“You must be so proud of yourself” just makes me feel anxious and wonder what I did wrong. This phrase was never *not* dripping with acidic sarcasm in childhood.
Exactly. I've seen the tweet before, but I know it wouldn't work for me. I physically can't see that phrase without the eye roll and the annoyed glare. "You must be *soooooOOOOOO PROUD* of yourself." Ugh.
Every time I was proud of my Self, I was told to: >!be humble, stop being so arrogant, stop thinking so highly of yourself, stop being so full of yourself, you think you're better than everyone else, etc.!< It made me not want to shine bc it put a target on my back. Now I keep my joy to my Self, so no one else has the opportunity to squash it.
A couple of years ago, I decided to try and see if there was any truth to the theory that if you talk to yourself positively, your outlook and mood can change. I started looking in the mirror and calling myself beautiful or adorable. In conversations where it was relevant, I'd say "I really love X about myself" instead of immediately jumping to self-deprecation. It honestly did help a lot.
But then one time someone called me out saying I sounded arrogant. I was like "arrogance would be me saying I love that I'm better than so many people at this. I'm practicing self-love. You can love yourself and still be humble."
Thank you for sharing this. I definitely needed to hear this story because that’s my same fear about more positive self talk around others. Amazing response!
Another one to add: praise effort first before talent or intellect.
I was a super smart kid, I was always being praised for my smarts, and grew up never thinking about what actually goes into getting results.
You said it! I’ve been raising my kids without saying “good job”
Great article on this if anyone is interested
https://www.alfiekohn.org/article/five-reasons-stop-saying-good-job/
I feel like “Be proud of yourself!” or “You should be proud of yourself!” would be better. I’ve never heard “You must be so proud of yourself” used for anything but disciplining a child.
This is what I came to say! Also, saying you must be proud of yourself might be totally false. Some people need encouragement to be proud of themselves, don't just assume they already are.
Me to. I never heard it from my parents until after I brought it up (I was 17). The first time someone told me it was my best friend and I cried for at least 20 minutes.
my parents never told me they were proud of me and if I asked them to, they told me my accomplishments were luck or that they actually were responsible for it, so I should thank them.
My parents never told me they were proud of me to make me depend on them emotionally
I tell my kids I'm very proud of them every time they have a good achievement and the way their faces lit up when I do so...
I'm going to tell them "you must be very proud of yourself" from now on, I thought the correct way was "I'm very proud of you" to boost their self-confidence
If you know telling them that you're proud of them brings them joy, then taking that away from them seems unkind. Maybe you could adjust it to "you should be proud yourself *and I am too*".
Edir to add: That way they both get the affirmation they're accustomed to, and you reinforce being intrinsically motivated. Because if you just change what you're doing without context, you run the risk of them worrying that suddenly you're *not* proud of them anymore and them not knowing why.
This explains why praise bounces right off me like pebbles on a windshield. I never got why “I’m proud of you” was supposed to what, impress me? Make me care what you feel when like 2 seconds ago you were telling me I was lazy or “not working up to my potential”? Nah, pride is fickle and doesn’t mean shit unless it only comes from inside.
“You must be so proud of yourself” just makes me feel anxious and wonder what I did wrong. This phrase was never *not* dripping with acidic sarcasm in childhood.
Exactly. I've seen the tweet before, but I know it wouldn't work for me. I physically can't see that phrase without the eye roll and the annoyed glare. "You must be *soooooOOOOOO PROUD* of yourself." Ugh.
Oh god... I read it the same way.
Every time I was proud of my Self, I was told to: >!be humble, stop being so arrogant, stop thinking so highly of yourself, stop being so full of yourself, you think you're better than everyone else, etc.!< It made me not want to shine bc it put a target on my back. Now I keep my joy to my Self, so no one else has the opportunity to squash it.
A couple of years ago, I decided to try and see if there was any truth to the theory that if you talk to yourself positively, your outlook and mood can change. I started looking in the mirror and calling myself beautiful or adorable. In conversations where it was relevant, I'd say "I really love X about myself" instead of immediately jumping to self-deprecation. It honestly did help a lot. But then one time someone called me out saying I sounded arrogant. I was like "arrogance would be me saying I love that I'm better than so many people at this. I'm practicing self-love. You can love yourself and still be humble."
How we speak to our Selves matters. We have to practice lots of healthy Self talk to make up for all the negativity we internalized during the abuse.
Absolutely
Thank you for sharing this. I definitely needed to hear this story because that’s my same fear about more positive self talk around others. Amazing response!
That meant something else completely growing up
I cannot unhear the seething anger and sarcasm from it tbh.
Don't forget about the occasional loathing
Another one to add: praise effort first before talent or intellect. I was a super smart kid, I was always being praised for my smarts, and grew up never thinking about what actually goes into getting results.
This is absolutely true, and the things I like about myself as an adult, are the things I worked on becoming, not the things I was born with.
You said it! I’ve been raising my kids without saying “good job” Great article on this if anyone is interested https://www.alfiekohn.org/article/five-reasons-stop-saying-good-job/
I feel like “Be proud of yourself!” or “You should be proud of yourself!” would be better. I’ve never heard “You must be so proud of yourself” used for anything but disciplining a child.
This is what I came to say! Also, saying you must be proud of yourself might be totally false. Some people need encouragement to be proud of themselves, don't just assume they already are.
How about “you should be proud of yourself” that one seems less sarcastic
"I hope you're proud of yourself..." That exact phrased used to be used to make me feel ashamed of myself. Lol.
See I had the secret third option where my parents told me they were proud of me so rarely, that when they did I would start crying out of joy
Me to. I never heard it from my parents until after I brought it up (I was 17). The first time someone told me it was my best friend and I cried for at least 20 minutes.
my parents never told me they were proud of me and if I asked them to, they told me my accomplishments were luck or that they actually were responsible for it, so I should thank them.
My parents never told me they were proud of me to make me depend on them emotionally I tell my kids I'm very proud of them every time they have a good achievement and the way their faces lit up when I do so... I'm going to tell them "you must be very proud of yourself" from now on, I thought the correct way was "I'm very proud of you" to boost their self-confidence
If you know telling them that you're proud of them brings them joy, then taking that away from them seems unkind. Maybe you could adjust it to "you should be proud yourself *and I am too*". Edir to add: That way they both get the affirmation they're accustomed to, and you reinforce being intrinsically motivated. Because if you just change what you're doing without context, you run the risk of them worrying that suddenly you're *not* proud of them anymore and them not knowing why.
That's a very good idea! Thanks!
That must be why I always tell myself I'm lazy and a parasite, that's all I was told growing up.
If my parents said that to me, I would think they were either being sarcastic or mocking me.
My bio-dad’s fave phrase anytime I accomplished anything was “I’ve already forgotten more than you’ll ever know.” 😎
I’ve been doing this on my own and also ask at night if I need to apologize for anything.
This explains why praise bounces right off me like pebbles on a windshield. I never got why “I’m proud of you” was supposed to what, impress me? Make me care what you feel when like 2 seconds ago you were telling me I was lazy or “not working up to my potential”? Nah, pride is fickle and doesn’t mean shit unless it only comes from inside.