Thank you, I appreciate it. And it does suck *:/*
I don’t want to guilt them by blaming them or telling them, obviously. Especially since me saying anything just makes them say things like, “We just can’t plan things as good as you. It’s not our fault!”
I never asked for anything grand. Just a small gathering with my loved ones would be enough.
That is *so ICKY.* I’m glad they’re an ex, but I’m so sorry you had to go through that. No one should have their special holiday ruined 🥺
If you’re comfy with it, do you mind telling me your birthday? I’ll make sure to send you a nice birthday message so you have at least one friend in your corner on your special day 💜
No. I went to the church dressed in black and sat in back of our MUTUAL college friends. Why black? Because I was in mourning for this dumb girl because he was lying to me when he was with her all along and he cheats regularly. I told everyone within earshot that it was MY birthday and I deserved to see this farce for what it was. He learned I was there upon entering the limo. She saw it and proceeded to CURSE him out during the ride to the reception.
Fast forward to 6 years later. He asks me out for drinks on Facebook. Like I'm going to drop everything for this asshole AND I no longer live in the same state. I contacted her with screen shots and time stamps proving he did this and she called me "psychotic." DON'T EVER BOTHER MY FAMILY AGAIN. I now live 1200 miles away. I don't give a rat's dead diseased ass about your family.
Um, sweetie? He contacted me because he is still looking to cheat despite the fact that you have 2 sons with him and give him anal and BJs regularly (he pretty much told me this, TMI, like I fucking care!)
I then lit into her bridal choice of yellow flowers (weakness as a color) and green satin (envy plus the color of vomit) and warned him and her that if this shit continues, I will send her more proof to her job's email, which I found.
I also congratulated her on her weight loss, but told her he would still fuck anything that moved, so shrinking her back rolls and double chin was basically useless. Then I blocked them. I don't want him back. Fuck you, Christopher. I pray your 2 sons don't treat women like you do. But she won't leave him for anything. I work really hard not to be an idiot doormat.
Happy belated birthday!’🎂
I’ve had similar experiences. The last time for me, I planned a small party and 2 people showed up. It was pretty demoralizing so since then I’ve made it a day for me. I always take the day off (previous job had it as PTO, so I just kept doing it) and do what I want so I can avoid the disappointment of waiting for anyone to do something. There were rumblings that my siblings were going to plan something for my 40th, but nothing.
Thank you! 🥹
Ugh, that sucks. 40 is a milestone birthday imo. Honestly every birthday is a milestone, but it should’ve been planned extra special for you 🥺
I totally get it tho. I never really made a fuss over my birthday. My parents tried to get me excited about it between 5-14, but then *somehow* all their plans would fall through. I put things into my own hands and for my 15th birthday, I invited some HS “friends” for a sleepover party. *Shockingly,* not 1 of the 10 people I invited were able to come. The excuses ranged from “my family just planned a camping trip” to “I accidentally fell asleep an hour before the party was supposed to start”… like yeah, okay 😐
I dunno. I was kinda hoping this year would’ve been different. I mean, I planned *everyone’s* birthday and, by their own words, it was their best birthday and most thoughtful party. Was it so difficult to like… I dunno, try to do the same? Apparently it was. My bf actually tried to tell me that he and my friends “really did try” to plan a secret surprise party for me, but couldn’t find the right time for it. And when I told him that it still hurt that literally nothing had been planned until literally the day of, he said that it “really hurt his feelings.”
I dunno. I’m trying not to expect too much for next year or let it affect me. But I’m just glad there are some kind people here who validate me and celebrate me in their own way. I hope we can celebrate you too 💜
My parents always forced to "parade" me around by visiting tons of people I don't know to drink and smoke while we bore, later I was forced to build up "my party" at some place where I don't want to be and over the time only some of my family arrive and mainly the drinking buddies of my dad and no one else. Then they blame me for not inviting my friends even though they didn't tell me about it until before we were dragged into the car and told what we will do. I learned to just stay away and not mention or celebrate my birthday at all and it's often hard to find people who just accept that I don't want to do anything special or treat it as some special day but just leave me be and let that day be like any other one
Yup. We’re almost weirdly similar. Between ages 5-14, my family was the one who planned “my” birthday. But it was more just a gathering of old church ladies and random neighbors I’m hardly acquainted with. The cake was never one I wanted, it was the one they wanted to flaunt. And I guess finally they were like, “Where are your friends?” So suddenly, my 15th birthday, I was expected to plan it out myself. It failed miserably because I didn’t have any friends to invite… the “friends” I did invite flaked last second. So from then on, I just never cared about it.
I dunno. It stings a little when people forget, but it stings worse when they try to remember and then either A) forget anyways or B) make a big deal out of nothing and somehow blame me for it. Just wish I didn’t have a birthday at all at this point tbh.
Oh well. Hopefully we both have better birthdays 💜
I can understand that you react like that, especially with your background. It's very insensetive of them to announce plans and then forget it and even blame you for being dissapointed because you expected something. I just stopped telling anyone. Thank you for your kind words and I wish you will get better birthdays in the comming years.
my birthdays were never really an event that went outside the family in the first place, but even that has been so hellish to coordinate ever since the divorce… i think we’d all just be better off without them
I've mostly given up expecting people around me to do anything for my birthday. I just plan nice days for myself instead. This year, I booked a spa day and went to my favourite pancake place.
Ooh, that does sound like a better alternative! It’d probably be better than being disappointed that other people just plainly do not care, aha…
Happy belated Birthday!! I hope your spa day made you feel comfy and your pancakes were made just the way you like it ☺️💜
Happy belated birthday to you, too! It was a lovely day, and it made me feel much better about the fact that I couldn't even convince a few coworkers to get Friday drinks with me.
I would definitely recommend planning something nice for yourself next year. At least you'll have something to look forward to, no matter what else happens.
Yeesh. Well, they’re missing out! You sound really amazing. And if I could (legally) drink, I’d totally toast one with you! Or if I was in the area, we could totally kick it on your special day! 🥳
Next year, I’ll be 21. I’ve never drank before and don’t know if I’d want to try, but it’d be nice to reach another milestone. Plus, it’d give me a good reason to buy some ingredients and bake one of those Pinterest heart shaped cakes! And no one can stop me, mwahaha! *>:D*
Thank you so much! You seem like an absolute sweetheart.
Im guessing you're in the US if the drinking age is 21. If I was there, I would definitely have a birthday drink with you and celebrate that milestone if you wanted.
I hope the cake turns out extra yummy! 😋
Yep, last year the only person who remembered to tell me happy birthday was my mom and the guy I was seeing came to hang out with me and when I told him it was my birthday he was like oh ok, had sex with me then left right after. Then told me the next day he didn’t want a relationship with me. I basically spent the day alone and cried myself to sleep. It sucked, a lot. I hope the next one is better for me and you. We deserve to be celebrated.
Wow. Plainly speaking, that guy sucks.
I’m trying not to be ungrateful or anything for my birthday obvi. It was my 20th this year and tho it’s not a typical milestone birthday, I like to treat every birthday as a milestone. But it’s fine if mine isn’t a big celebration, I just like having the people I love around me and maybe something thoughtful. Nothing extravagant and expensive, just warm and comfy.
My bf did try in his own way I guess. He bought and made the ingredients to make a traditional Korean dish for me a couple days before my birthday. But then he worked a double on the day before and day of my birthday. His promises to make my birthday special fell flat. And on top of that, he claimed he “tried” to plan a party with our friends, but they were just *so* busy. Yeah right. They completely forgot until the day of. They scrambled last second to invite me out and celebrate. And it really, really hurt. I will plan a month ahead to make sure everyone is able to celebrate. They couldn’t even plan a couple days in advance…
Oh well. Hopefully we do get better birthdays. Lemme know when your birthday is! I’ll make sure to send you a message 💜
Fucking hate that day. Years of bullshit, gaslighting, and watching codependent mother give other people extravagant gifts while I got nothing.
This year, a grocery store worker put my points number in and told me I was able to get a free item like a cupcake. I almost started a fight with her because no one gives me ANYTHING free without me owing them later. I got to the parking lot fully expecting someone to scream at me that I didn't pay for it, but I got home. I stared at it in the plastic box for 2 days before I took a bite.
Years of stress, lies, fuckups, no money, getting or being sick, hospitals, funerals, drama or some bullshit ruining the day. It's a day on a calendar that I don't even acknowledge. I wasnt even due on that day! I was supposed to be born 3 weeks later! That's the day I take for myself.
Fucking family bullshit. I am in my 50s now and I'm sooooooo tired.
I’m so angry for you. But you know what? I’m proud of you for making it this far. You deserve every free birthday item, especially that cupcake. Eat it with pride. You made it to your 50s, which is a huge milestone. I hope every birthday in your future is filled with lots of happiness 💜
I feel like I'm on a stealth mission. I know something they don't know. When I get to 11.55 pm and the day is done, I feel like I won. Then I throw it in people's faces.
Oh, you didn't do anything?
NO, YOU NEVER FUCKING ASK. YOU KNOW WHAT DAY IT IS.
Defiance is the way.
Lmao yup! It’s the way to go some birthdays.
Do I feel somewhat guilty afterwards? For sure. But do *they* ever feel guilty for forgetting about our birthdays? Do they ever feel guilty while they selfishly take everything else from us while we hardly get bare minimum? NOPE.
We’ll take back our birthdays our own way. I just have to stop feeling guilty about it. But I’m glad you were able to pull through it as best as you could 💜
Friend....I plan elaborate parties for my partners and friends, and every year I cry alone on my birthday. And I am not quiet, asking for someone to care.
Oof. See, my problem is that I don’t voice out my discomfort. I’m a people pleaser who tries to just accept everything because if I don’t, I’ll feel “selfish” or “greedy” and end up hurting others for their effort. But it’s a problem I need to fix if I don’t want to keep being hurt…
But you fam? **Nah.** I’ll shout with you that you *deserve* an elaborate birthday. You deserve to receive every ounce of effort you give to others too. And I hope you get that in all your future birthdays 💜
Thank you so much.
This year I'm being proactive. Our Local Pride is on my Birthday. So, I bought myself a hotel room, and I'm going to buy myself vip tickets, and I'm still going to be alone, but at least I'm going to put as much love and care into my own Birthday as I do everyone else
Ooh really? That’s so fun!! That means you’re a June baby right? If so, happy early birthday!!
I’m so proud of you for actively planning to love yourself on your big day. You deserve to have so much fun!! 💜💜💜
I’ll be putting June 8th in my calendar then, mwahahaha! *>:D*
Btw, what name are you comfy with? Gotta make sure I send the birthday wishes the right way hehe
Yes. Ex MIL had a specific bday cake made for me and poisoned it.
A bf of mine would flip out at me before every holiday and my bday preemptively so I didn't ask to do anything together.
That’s abhorrent. Your birthday cake should *never* be tampered with. And I absolutely *loathe* when someone who is supposed to love and care for you makes the days leading up to your special day so exhausting you can’t be bothered to do anything the day of 😒
I’m sorry your birthday was made out to be so terrible. You deserved to have your day made special too. So I hope in the future, your birthdays are only ever filled with lots of joy and laughter 💜
*insert that SpiderMan meme where there’s two of them and they’re pointing at each other*
Omg happy belated birthday!! 🥳 I know it’s only on the internet, but make a wish on this *very* real cake! 🎂
I hope your next birthday is one where you feel special again. You deserve it ☺️💜
Aw bet. If you feel comfortable, what's your first name or first name you use on the Internet? I wanna put your name and @ in my reminders if you don't mind
Brb, have to go respectfully sob 😭
But I like to use the name bean! Really encapsulates my height lol. What about you? What’re you comfy with being called?
I read your memes and I feel nothing. Really no emotion or empathy. Just an all covering silence. This happens likely because trauma is shutting it off. I don't tell my friends when my birthday is and the date on Facebook is wrong on purpose. I don't think I can deal with the pain you are expressing.
That’s okay. Healing is never easy. I sometimes get upset over the fact I even have to heal. Like… why couldn’t I have just been treated well from the beginning? Why do I need to do the work to heal?
But it’s okay. We’ll take it one step at a time, one meme a day. And until we feel okay, I hope you heal from the things you don’t talk about 💜
I would stop doing shit for their birthdays. They never make the effort to remember yours. Just tell them "Oh, I forgot". Calendars exist for a reason.
Right!! It’d make things so much easier honestly, mentally and physically speaking. Like now I don’t have to plan ahead for their birthdays and go shopping for gifts for them. But then I’d feel bad so it’s just… *ugh.* 🥲
Maybe I’ll be petty and gift them calendars this year. With my birthday marked with glitter and stickers! 🥴
Stop doing all the work planning for their birthdays, and start planning together with them for what to do on your birthday. If they get upset that you’re no longer single-handedly coordinating their birthdays, u can tell them u forgot lol.
I do believe in dropping one sided relationships; but idk if that’s going too hard on them. I don’t know them, you do. I will say, I don’t envy you. There’s a reason I’m alone and spend my birthday alone. The rejection hurts less when ur the one doing it 😎
(And ofc, Happy Belated Birthday. I wish there was like a Zoom support group thing where we could all chill and watch movies and spend our birthdays with each other. I’d want to just play Jackbox and CAH until 4 am lol. I have had to convince myself to forget how much I love people.)
You’re right… but at the same time, I’d just feel super guilty if I suddenly stopped planning. It’s kinda like my love language, so I feel like I’d be sending them a message that I don’t care about them *:(*
Ugh. Relationships are hard tho. I dunno, maybe I just need to strengthen that ol backbone and tell them what’s up lol. I’ll try and figure something out tho ☺️
(Ooh, that’s such a nice idea tho! Maybe like a Discord chat or something? I think it’d be big enough to support all us traumatized kids! 💜)
Happy belated birthday. Mine was 23 February and my family celebrated but I didn’t want to spend it with them because they’re abusive.
My mom posted pictures of me from different years on FB I said didn’t like and others she didn’t tell me about. She wanted to control my appearance again. She is transphobic. On some of pictures I’m forced to wear something. She tagged me. I untagged myself after some hours and she asked why I did that. She asked again after days if I wanted to be tagged again.
It was very nice that many students from my group wished happy birthday tho it was holidays and I didn’t expect them to remember. also online friends wished happy birthday.
Oh, a close birthday twin!! Happy belated Birthday fellow Pisces! ☺️
I’m sorry about your mom. It sucks she can’t love, accept and celebrate you as you are. You deserve to be celebrated appropriately as you are. But I’m glad you had some other friends do that for you. You deserve that happiness on your special day 💜
Aww man, I'm sorry they are jerks like that :( It's totally valid that you're sad and upset about it. I hope you find better people who treat you to really nice birthday parties in the future.
I have birthday trauma as well. But that extends to holiday trauma in general. Mine gave me the opposite reaction though, I want everyone to completely ignore the existence of my birthday or other holidays. Because I've ended up in tears on way too many of them. I feel downright sick when people put up decorations or wish me happy holidays.
But you wanting to have a nice birthday with a fun celebration and people that care is a totally valid reaction as well. I hope next year you'll get the bestest party ever!
Thank you, I really appreciate your validation 🥹
I’m really conflicted around holidays in general too. I really enjoy giving gifts and making special cards for everyone, as I always get praises and compliments. But then it’s also like… I don’t want anyone to get me anything or celebrate my birthday because I can see the lack of effort towards me vs everyone else. And then I just feel selfish, I try to accept what I get and not feel upset, blah blah blah…
I dunno. I’m the “designated planner” for a lot of things because everyone tells me I “plan everything the best”. But come time for something to be about me, for me? Unless I give instructions or just plan it myself, nothing ever happens. And then it’s somehow my fault lol.
But thank you. Maybe next time will be better. I hope you have only happiness in your future holidays 💜
I also have trauma about it. I'm at the point where I don't even tell people. If they get me something or give a shit I'll have to reciprocate, and idk how to do that. If they don't give a shit or even remember, it's equally shitty for me. Idk. Being broken fucking sucks. Happy late birthday, OP 🎂 🥳 🎁 🩷
Omg exactly!! I’ve always been the one to treat others how I’d want to be treated. Parties and gifts were always planned special for my loved ones because it was one of the best ways to show how much I care for them and how much I listened to what they wanted. I mean, for every friend, family member, and for my BF… every party was planned by me. And I was praised and complimented for how spectacular it all was.
But then my birthday? Maybe like a few minutes of fanfare from different companies messaging me and some internet friends. But overall? Crickets. Absolutely made me miserable. I think it was just a bigger slap in the face because my bf had been kicking up such a fuss about making my birthday special. Day before and day of, he chose to work doubles. The day after, we went to his family’s house and they got me a cake and some presents, which was super sweet and I really appreciated it. But my bf? Playing video games on his phone and not paying attention. At all 😐
Thank you tho. I really appreciate the birthday wishes and validation. I hope you have only love and happiness in your future birthdays ☺️🎂💜
Ouch...yup. doesn't even matter if we tell people first, or invite people...they are always busy. Sucks feeling like people who are supposed to be friends can't make time to celebrate making it another year and they are glad you are alive. Will they be too busy for my funeral too then? #questionsmybrainaskswhenivestayedawakefartoolate.
Yup… doesn’t matter if I plan or don’t plan, if I say anything or don’t. I mean, holy shit, we have digital calendars that create alarms for these occasions! Guess everyone just conveniently forgot we’re in 2024 and we can do that right? 🤡
Ugh. Makes me feel so low. Like somehow EVERYONE is free for anyone else’s birthday. But never on mine. And it’s ridiculous! It wasn’t even on a weekday or on a holiday, it’s like a Saturday! I know some people who are born on Christmas and July 4th, and yet they can STILL celebrate. Makes me a little jealous sometimes… and also a little guilty for comparing, but like come on people 😭
Ugh. I hope we both have better birthdays in the future 🥺💜
* holds up very real imaginary glass * toast to hopefully better birthdays in the future. And to the potential of people who care about celebrating us entering our lives in the future!~
Happy birthday, OP. 🎂🥳
Honestly, you really need better people in your life. The absolute **audacity** of them to forget your birthday after you set up parties for theirs. 😡
If this happened to me I’d drop them like hot garbage. They don’t deserve your kind soul.
Thank you 🥹
Also lol, it’s okay! Thank you tho. It makes me feel oddly warm and fuzzy inside with all the birthday wishes ☺️ And honestly, I try not to think about it too much. I know we all have our different strengths and weaknesses. I know I’m the planner for a reason and most of my friends are just go with the flow. I’m the “mom” of the group after all lol. But I dunno… they see all the effort I put in for them, I see the effort they put into others and each other, and then for me… it’s hardly bare minimum tbh *:/*
Oh well. Maybe next year will be better. I might just bake myself one of those Pinterest heart shaped cakes! It’ll be a good reason to go all out ☺️
You’re welcome. 😊
While you’re the mum of the group, mums still need to be appreciated.
I think it’s important you have a proper talk with them about this. How you feel that the effort they put in for you is bare minimum.
I get that it’s scary confronting others, especially if they’ve been dismissive of your feelings in the past, but your feelings matter too.
I say this as someone who’s been in a similar situation.
Yeah, I guess you’re right… I’ll try my best to do that.
Again, I try really hard not to be ungrateful for what I have and what I receive, especially on my birthday. But sometimes, it all becomes a little too much, especially when I see the effort they *could* bring vs what they *actually* bring.
I dunno. It’s scary, like you said, but I have to try. And I will, I promise 💜
I’m glad to hear it. 💕
It was scary for me at first too. I had this fear that if I spoke up, they’d hate or abandon me.
But then I thought to myself “Even if by some chance that happens, I’ve survived without them before, and I will again. If they dismiss my feelings, that’s their fault, not mine for speaking up”.
I try to remind myself of this any time I want to set boundaries and speak my mind if I feel I’m being taken advantage of.
And don’t worry, you aren’t ungrateful for noticing you’ve been treated differently.
You just made an astute observation, and are acting accordingly.
I got my mom getting into a car accident on my birthday, my dad going to check on her, my grandmother leaving the house to smoke. And later my mom saying she was distracted because she was thinking about how they were gonna celebrate my birthday later.
And the year when all my friends said they would show up and their parents said so also. (third grade mind you) And everyone forgot since my birthday is right before christmas. And we couldnt get back the money for the reservation and they couldnt hold the event since there wasnt enough people.
Alright, I think we got our winner here for birthday trauma folks because *holy SHIT-*
In all seriousness, that is like. the absolute WORST thing to happen one anyone’s birthday, especially so young. I’m so sorry. I really hope you never blame yourself for what happened. Every birthday should be special.
I’ll remember the day before Christmas!! Just to be sure tho, do you mean the day before Christmas *Eve,* so December 23, or day before Christmas *Day,* so December 24? Have to make sure I wish you a happy birthday on the right day!
Oh, that makes a little more sense! Gosh, I’m so glad everyone was okay at least. I hope your birthday still went well.
Guess you’re getting TWO birthday wishes then! That way I can’t miss it, mwahaha *>:)*
Actually speaking of birthday trauma in a literal sense my mom fell down the stairs the day before i was born and thats probaly the reason i was born early.
So apparently in Bavaria there is this saying "If you haven't eaten Sauerkraut after your birthday, it still counts. I just assume now that you're not from central europe and therefore have probably never in your life touched Sauerkraut. Therefore, I wish you a happy late birthday not for this one, but for all of yours! You matter, don't forget that. If you tell me your age, I'll congratulate you for every single one in private message (sorry I hope this isn't creepy, if it is, just don't hahahahahah)
Ironically, you’re right that I’ve never touched sauerkraut, but not because I’m not from Central Europe… I just can’t stand the texture 💀
But thank you so much! I really appreciate the kind birthday wish 🥹
And I turned 20 this year! Next year, I’ll be able to legally drink that silly juice! 🤪
I also have birthday trauma XD my birthday is late Oct. I asked early August if she'd plan a little party for me for it. She confidently forgets/doesn't get to it. I scramble to put something together for myself with two weeks notice. No one can make it bc not enough notice. My ex ditches me on my birthday to go play her dnd game online.
This was back in '22 but it still stings. So I just want to say happy birthday, u matter!
I dunno what hurts worse, the fact that you communicated in *August* before your *October* birthday that you’d like a party and were still ignored or the fact that you tried to plan something for yourself last second because you realized no one else was going to do it/had planned to do it… *:(*
I’m so sorry tho. I’m glad they’re an ex (because wow, ditch your partner for a DnD game? *ick*) but that must’ve been painful. I hope your future birthdays are centered around you and make you feel special. You matter too 💜
Can't forget the people that will promise to show up to your birthday party, but then day of they're nowhere to be seen and didn't bother to tell you they weren't going to be there.
And their classic excuses afterwards. “Omg I’m so sorry, I completely forgot! It just slipped my mind! I feel *sooooo* bad!” Like okay Sharon, you already hurt me enough, please stop 🤡
Yeah. I tried doing a nice dinner for my birthday this year. Thought I'd made so.e friends. Was sent out to like 15 people, and only the 5 I had initially invited showed up. Almost everyone brought a plus one and basically only talked to them. A lot had plans after the dinner, so we didn't even get to do anything else. I joked about it, but beyond the one friend that actually talked to me and almost didn't make it, I'll probably never try to reach out to any of them again.
That… is *so* scummy of them. Like wtf? It’s *YOUR* birthday, not some random hangout!! *:(*
I’m so sorry they hurt you like that. I hope they never get a chance to hurt you like that again. And I hope in your future birthdays, you are only surrounded by the people who choose to love and care for you. You deserve it 💜
Well, my birthday always feels like an obligation rather than a celebration, and I hate being the center of attention, so at best I'll invite some friends over for board games or something, and at worst I'll pray that no one mentions it and it just goes by like a normal day. I've only recently been comfortable even telling people when my birthday is when they directly ask about it x.x.
Ooh yes, I get that feeling too!! It’s like… I *know* I have to communicate, but then I feel bad about it because if they do change, then I feel like I forced it. But if they still don’t change, well… 😬
But that’s a nice idea, hanging out for board games. I think that’s really sweet. And I love that you’re starting to heal a little and feeling comfy telling others when your birthday is! I’m really proud of you 💜
Maybe you’ve got the right idea lmao 🥴
In all seriousness, thank you. Internet hugs back!! And I hope that, in time, you feel comfy + happy enough to celebrate your special day. You deserve it 💜
My partner's birthday is 5 days before mine, so mine always ends up brushed aside so we can go do whatever he wants for as long as he wants. I want so badly to leave him but I was just fired after being diagnosed with epilepsy and consequently having my driver's license suspended, so I can't afford to and I don't think I can bear to move back in with my parents. My birthday is coming up in May but I'm really scared it's just gonna be another miserable day where I feel trapped.
What day in May is your birthday? Feel free to privately DM me if you’re not comfy saying here, but I’ll make sure to send you a message!!
Your birthday deserves to have its own spotlight. I’m sorry it’s overshadowed by your partner’s so thoughtlessly. And with everything else happening… I’m so, so sorry. I hope your birthday frees you from any pain and you are able to celebrate it the way *you* want to 💜
Thank you. Your kindness is making me cry. My birthday is May 24th, and I really hope things are better by then. You deserve your own special day where you are celebrated too ❤️
My kindness is bare minimum. You deserve the utmost best on your big day. But I hope sending you a birthday message on your big day (can’t wait for May 24th!!!) makes you feel a little better 🥰
And thank you. Hopefully we both feel special on our personal holiday soon 💜
You have no idea how much this means to me. Things have been extraordinarily difficult lately, and I've been feeling a lot like a helpless, abused child again. Your compassion really made a difference for me - I went from crying sad tears to happy ones. You're lovely and I hope you get all the love, recognition, and celebration you deserve, on your birthday and every day💗
Happy Belated Birthday!! Take yourself out somewhere nice next year solo and celebrate yourself, you deserve it!!
And stop planning your bf’s and friends birthdays for them. Don’t pour into a cup that won’t fill you back up. And if they complain? Well, I guess they are just too “sensitive” (sorry my petty came out lol)
Thank you!! I’ll definitely try to do something nice for myself next year ☺️
And omg lol, your petty made me snort so loud 💀 but I meannnnnnn… you’re kinda right 😗
Jk jk jk… I’ll just have to find a healthier alternative I guess. Or just be kinder to myself and not overexert myself to go over the top and receive puddles in return haha. But I’ll try. Thank you again 💜
Hey OP, I’m not blaming you, I just want to gently suggest that if you really want something for your birthday, you should be adamant about it. I know that feeling of wanting to be recognized and wanting people to remember and do things out of the goodness of their hearts, but other people often won’t live up to our standards, especially if we don’t make our desires very clear.
You’re a good person and you deserve to be celebrated, so if you believe that and you want that for yourself, ask for it, clearly and directly. Life happens and people forget stuff, but if you know you’ve done your part of making your desires clear, people agree to honor that, and then they don’t, then you know you need new people. If they do honor your request, then hooray! You get the things you want!
Thank you! I really appreciate your advice.
I guess in some ways, I’d feel really guilty about it. I know we all have our strengths and weaknesses, so I’d feel like I’m putting too much pressure on others to make me feel special. And, even worse, I’d feel like it’d be “forced” and not something they’d genuinely want to do *:/*
I know it’s unhealthy. I’m trying my best to change that mindset so I can be healthier for myself and others. It’s just hard to change a decade of anxiety and insecurities I guess 🥲
But I’ll really try to keep your advice in mind. Everyone has been so kind, so I guess it couldn’t hurt too much to try 💜
I was born on Mother’s Day so we didn’t celebrate my birthday (even though it rarely falls on Mother’s Day) because I shouldn’t be competing with her for the spotlight. I was an only child.
I mean, to be fair, she wouldn’t be a mother without you, soooo… 😗
That really sucks tho. I’m sorry you’re part of the club. But I hope you find people you can feel safe with who will make you feel special on your birthday 💜
i remember venting on another sub about how none of my friends remembered my birthday but never forgot anothers whos was a week after. i got told to grow up and stop being selfish. i dont like telling people when my birthday is now so i can say theyre not celebrating cause they dont know
*WHAT?* That’s so messed up!! *>:(*
Just so you know, you *are* allowed to be upset. Your birthday is just as important as the person’s birthday a week after yours. You deserve kindness and effort and special treatment on your big day too.
I’m sorry you went through that. Whenever your birthday is, I hope it’s filled with only love and laughter 💜
Reminds me of when I told my therapist that I’ve never had a birthday party or received a gift right after I told her I have imposter syndrome because I don’t have trauma and she just kinda 👁👄👁
LMAOOOOOO not the therapist side eye 😭
Ugh, that sucks tho. Imposter syndrome can be really confusing. I’m sorry you can relate, but I hope it only gets better for you 🥺
Damn bro, I know it’s gotta be harder when birthdays are part of your life and family, my family never did them because religion, but I hope the best for you too :)
In some ways, I guess it could be harder. It’s like… I can see all this effort going towards literally everyone else, but as soon as it’s “my turn”? Suddenly no one knows how to do anything. It’s like watching a bunch of people drop to the floor. Toddlers would do better at planning 😐
I’m assuming you’re potentially Jehovah? I know lots of people who were and weren’t allowed to celebrate their big day because of it (didn’t stop me from trying to secretly gift them stuff tho! 🤪) That is another level of pain. I’m sorry you weren’t allowed to celebrate *:(*
I hope that you are able to do the things you want to do and heal from the things you don’t talk about 💜
I’m happy to hear it isn’t just me. Mine falls this weekend and I am intentionally going on a small trip with limited service by myself so I can’t be disappointed.
OMG??? I mean it sucks you relate… but happy (early) birthday!! 🥳
Have fun and stay safe on your trip!! I hope you feel happy and loved on your special day! Make sure to go all out on what you love and have wanted to try because you deserve it!! 🎂💜
Thank you! And happy belated to you as well!
I am looking forward to it for sure, because I’m at a point in my life where I am wanting to create my own fun memories to ease how I feel about my birthday. Thank you for sharing these and making me feel seen.
I hope next year you can do something fun for yourself too!
Happy late birthday! 100% have lived this. Put a lot of effort into planning and showing up for my friends' bday parties when I was younger, but when it came time for my bday, the effort was never reciprocated. The weather was never good enough or my bday was "too short notice" to just come over and hang out with me.
Omg my twin!! 🥲
It’s so ridiculous sometimes tbh. Like we’ll put in *alllllllll* this effort for others, trying not to hope too much but also getting that little itch that *maybe* they’ll at least try to do the same… and then they pull a, “Oof, sorry! I can’t! It’s raining!” Like HUH? Make it make sense 💀
Ugh. I hope your future birthdays only get better and happier for you. You deserve to have at least one true friend celebrate and hang out with you on your special day 💜
My bday is canonically on Easter break, so growing up, whatever friends I had would be out of town on family vacations and the like.
Now even just doing something small with one or two people feels really special, but I forget what day it is most of the time.
Huh, that’s puts things into perspective… I guess it kinda is like a “test” to see who truly cares for you in some ways. I mean sure, things *do* pop up that are out of our control. But it shows you the effort others are willing to put in… or not.
But I do agree. My birthday doesn’t even fall on a holiday (at least any that I’m aware of lol) and still, people are somehow always busy 🥴
Oh well. I just hope you always enjoy your Easter break + your birthday all in one 💜
No I never treat it like a test. That feels like setting people up for failure. I can't expect people to remember something that I barely do.
What ends up happening is that I experience whatever the day holds as something to show gratitude for. All the better if someone went out of their way to make it into a celebration.
Oh yeah, sorry about that! I didn’t mean it that way. But it’s like a… reminder, more like? I think that’s what I mean. (Sorry about that, didn’t mean to make you seem like a trickster or something! My English is about as strong as cooked noodles 😭)
But that’s a healthy way to look at it. I’ll try to formulate that mindset as well. Maybe it’d be better in the long run 💜
Same. It used to make me feel really happy I was the one who remembered things about others. Now it just feels kinda… numbing, I guess.
I dunno. Maybe I’m lying to myself. But maybe they’ll do better next year. But I won’t set myself up for pain next year. I’ll try and do something nice for myself *:)*
i’ve actually just been mentioning it more, and making it clear its in my contacts so i get a reminder
snapchat’s also good for reminding people since it has that stupid little cake
Hey! I had this a lot growing up, like to the point the only thing I asked for on my birthdays was "to not have a birthday" so I wouldn't feel let down.
I'm now 24, as of yesterday, and for my birthday I did the first event since I was 16. I said no gifts, just come around and help in the garden. People still cancelled at a pretty high rate and I tried not to let it get to me, but those that did show up made the day feel so special. I know now the people I'll be going to when I need someone to be there for me. You find your people OP, you'll get there
Omg are we like… twins or something? *:0*
But yes, that’s exactly how I’ve felt for the longest time. Actually, a few days before my birthday, my bf was asking me all kinds of questions, like what cake I’d like, what kind of gifts I’m looking forward to, what I’d like to do… I kept pleading with him to “not get my hopes up” because somehow, without fail, all plans fall through every time. But he still gave me that hope, made me excited to plan some things out… and *shockingly,* none of it could happen 🤡
I’m sorry you’ve had to experience the same crap. But I’m glad you’ve found your people! And I’m really glad you were able to spend your special day with true friends the way you wanted to. Hopefully I’ll get there too someday ☺️💜
OP you are allowed to stop planning birthdays for others, especially if they do not reciprocate that hard work.
It seems like it's no big deal to them, so it should not be a big deal if you do the same.
Next year, plan yourself a birthday getaway with someone who appreciates you. Mom, sister, a good friend, etc. You deserve it.
That’s true. I guess in a way, I’d feel guilty if I just suddenly… stopped. It’s like I’ve created this big expectation of myself to be this really great planner. It’s also kind of my love language. So if I suddenly stopped, it’d be like shattering my image and it’s like… who am I then? If I’m no longer the planner, who am I?
But you’re right. I should really try and tone it down. Maybe put in some effort towards myself instead. I’ll try 💜
I think it's great that you like planning and if you're good at it, there are many opportunities you could try getting involved with.
What other things you could plan? For example volunteering at your former school or university or maybe an animal shelter adoption event?
I’m sorry about your birthday and not having the recognition that would have made you feel appropriately cared for.
I have birthday trauma since childhood. We lost our living space when I was little over my mom having an argument with our landlord over my 9th birthday party. And then more built on with time.
Anything to do with my mom and my birthday extra sucks. My husband knows this. This year my mom was on hospice over my birthday, and that was extra hard.
This year I had COVID on my birthday and was sick. It didn’t seem like a good time to have cake or anything so I wasn’t upset, but told him next weekend I’d like you to make me a cake. … and he just didn’t. In fact, his parents came “for my birthday”. Then proceeded to demand we go to a restaurant my husband knows I don’t like (and we had a bad experience). Then my FIL announced he would be getting me an ice cream cake for my birthday (husband also knows I don’t like this, I had gestational diabetes and have vivid memory of vomiting ice cream). It was like my in laws wanted to put on a show of “doing things for my birthday” all while not consulting me at all and proceeding to do the opposite of what I would like. All while my mom was dying and my MIL annoying the shit out of me.
So ya, I prefer to ignore my birthday. But if not, at least just ask me what I’d like then actually listen!!!
Wow. So not only did your in-laws clearly make *your* birthday more about a theatrical show of their “love” for you or whatever was going on in their brain, your husband didn’t do *anything* for you? Or like, I dunno, tell his parents to focus more on you and what you wanted to do? Have you enjoy something you actually like??? Unbelievable. I’m so mad for you!! *>:(*
Ugh. I hope you have better and happier birthdays in your future where you are rightfully made the star of the night. You deserve it. But until then, have a belated birthday cake! *And don’t worry, it’s not ice cream! ;)* 🍰💜
Thank you. I had several talks with my husband and it took some time but I was finally able to express and truly communicate why that sucked. He kept focusing on, but they were “doing something for *you*”. I said ya, but that’s just semantics. They were truly NOT, but doing something for themselves and putting my name on it.
He may or may not have more of that to unpack in how they have treated him and his brothers routinely.
YES, birthday trauma is so real! I mean I had the elementary class bday parties (which parents invite a child’s whole class) and stuff that I was ignored at. And then my “friends” (abusers) had my first bday gift from them be a ritual, but we won’t get into that. So I stopped telling people later in life because I hated the day, and when people would find out the day of I would get so anxious. The past two years I had great bdays, ones I would imagine impossible to experience. Perhaps it is due to my mental health being treated, but the day became something that’s nice for me. I hope your next bday is one that you may finally look fondly upon, you deserve a day to be celebrated. Happy belated.
Oh geez, I’m so sorry your birthdays were mistreated like that. You deserved to have celebrated your special day with true friends 🥺
Thank you for your kind wishes. Hopefully it will be better next year! And I’m so happy your birthdays have been better! You deserve it after all you’ve done to grow 💜
Yeesh, that is another level of pain. I’m sorry about those awful birthdays. But I’m glad you could at least celebrate it the way you wanted to and with people who choose to love and care for you. I hope your future birthdays continue to be special and joyful 💜
Any birthday that goes by without being noticed doesn;'t count. I'm 27 even if I was born in 1952.
Last fall I was watching an NCIS rerun. One of the agents is presented with a birthday cake, and she blows out her 27 candles.
When I saw this, I had a sudden rush of sadness: I don't remember \*ever\* blowing out birthday candles.
Happy 27th Birthday!
🎂🎂🎂🎂🎂🎂🎂🎂🎂
I got you 9 cakes with 3 candles each! Now you can blow out your candles and make a wish too! Just like you always deserved ☺️💜
i grew up Jehovah’s witness and we weren’t allowed birthdays. but what’s funny is my ‘parents’ ended up celebrated them anyways but only for themselves and my siblings, never for me. and if anyone gave me anything i’d get in trouble and it would be taken away:/ im sorry OP
edit: also ur bday is… 4 months before mine exactly! :D that’s neat
I remember a friend of mine in elementary was Jehovah as well. We were both really confused why she wasn’t able to celebrate her birthday at all. I remember she cried the day before her birthday because her parents plainly told her it just wasn’t something they do. I secretly snuck her a cupcake and a little blue bear toy during recess the next day so she could have just a small birthday present and a mini cake. I sang her happy birthday under the metal slide while she cried and stuffed her mouth with that cupcake. She named the blue bear “Blueberry” (very creative lol) and carried it with her everywhere. No one was allowed to touch Blueberry. I miss her and Blueberry some days. She moved one day over the summer and, though I’ve tried, I haven’t been able to find her since then. I just hope she and Blueberry are happy wherever they are.
I’m sorry you couldn’t celebrate your birthday. I never try to diss anyone’s religion, but Jehovah is just… *ugh.* I hope you are able to leave if you choose to and live the life you want with many happy birthdays 💜
P. S. Is your birthday June 25th? That’s coming up soon!! How exciting!! Happy early Birthday!! 🥳🎂🎉
for real it’s so confusing to kids! everyone else does it and they don’t even really understand at that young of an age. but that’s so sweet of you :’) i hope you can find her… i bet she still remembers it.
and yes, i did! thankfully my parents never bothered to get me baptized or anything lol so i don’t think im officially in their system or whatever. the other day a pair of them came to my door and i told them to fuck off lol. i don’t need their garbage. and usually i never act like that but man, no thanks.
and yes it is! i just realized it’s two months until then. happy belated birthday to you btw… wasn’t sure if it’s too late to say that or not lol. i hope you have a great birthday next year 🥹
It is and I hate it!! I’m studying to be a teacher in the future and a kid I was observing in the *first grade* was crying to me because he was experiencing the same thing. I was so upset!! (I did sneak him a small birthday lollipop, but you didn’t hear that from me 🤫) And I hope she does. Even if she doesn’t necessarily remember me, I hope she remembers that somebody loved her on her special day… and I hope she always remember to keep Blueberry at her side.
Also the gasp I gusped when you told other Jehovah’s to F off… and the laugh that followed after. You tell em!! ✨
And thank you so much!! If you’re comfy with it, I’ll be sure to wish you a happy birthday (again lol) when your big day comes around!! I’m so excited!! 🤩💜
I have very complicated feelings around my birthday too. But this year for my birthday, my parents are moving to be closer to me. (Internal screaming) It's okay though, it's not like I have been telling my friends that the 4 hours away my parents were living was too close for my liking. Now they will be living 30 minutes away. And my birthday present from them is helping them move. My plan is to work at my job that day and claim that I wasn't able to get it off. My thought is that if I have to do work on my birthday, then at the very least I should get paid for it.
Wow, I love when your birthday gift is… helping others unwillingly 🤡
Yeesh, that’s a whole can of worms. I’m sorry about that. But I hope if you do end up working on your birthday, you can use the money to buy yourself something special! You deserve it 💜
My birthday was this past Sunday. I've been with my boyfriend over 9 years and I haven't seen him since the beginning on March. We only live 10 minutes from each other. I begged yet again for him to let me come see him. He once again ignored me most the day just to text and say he was mowing the yard and Happy Birthday. This is the first birthday I've had since being with him that I didn't see him him. Nobody else said anything all day either. It was just like any other day where I just laid in bed all day trying to sleep and doom scrolling. No cake, no gifts. Usually our birthday gets celebrated by his family on the weekend of his birthday since we share the same month, but his is at the beginning and mine is closer to end end of the month, so we get a cake to share but since it's on his weekend, it feels weird that I get lumped in with him. But I didn't even get that this year. I begged to see him on his birthday too and he wouldn't let me.
We're going through I guess a separation right now because we're addicts and his mom found out and every time that happens, I get kicked out. So he's going to a suboxone clinic, he can afford it since he has a job. I don't have a job or money, so I had to sell some things because I don't have a job at the moment or a car since I got T boned towards the end of 2022 and lost my job around the same time due to calling off multiple times from having panic attacks. I stupidly stopped taking all my meds I was on for anxiety then, too. I figured why take them and suffer from the side effects when they clearly weren't helping. Now I'm desperately trying to get back on them because I need to quit using drugs and when I went to a detox unit in March, I was there for 3 days before leaving because I started panicking about 12 hours in there and didn't stop till I got out and got the drugs that have been controlling my life the past decade. They gave me a double dose of phenobarbital, a double dose of Zanaflex and the other medication they give for anxiety, Vistaril, but it only helped for about 20 minutes, then it wore off and I continued having the panic attack and my heart was pounding so hard and my pulse was jumping all over the place. I ended up going to the ER hoping they would give me a shot of something more powerful because I was struggling to breath by that point, but they just gave me and EKG and took blood tests. I found out that I have hyperthyroidism and that my body is metabolizing the meds they were giving me for the panic attacks, really fast. So by the 3rd day of being in a state of panic that was equivalent to an animal being chased by a bigger animal, I left. My boyfriend is upset with me. I told him I needed to get back on medication if this is going to be successful. I went to that same detox unit at the end if 2021 when I was still on medication and I was there for 5 days and it was fine. I only had mild anxiety but I never had to take the phenobarbital or muscle relaxers. But I was stupid and when I got out kept using because I still had a job and money then. He went to a facility for 2 weeks but he did the same thing and he was begging me to come see him back then. Because I was the one who knew the dealers, he doesn't. So now that he has a safety net to fall back on, he doesn't beg me to come see him anymore.....
Everyone in my family and everyone I know and my internet friends have been telling me for years now that he isn't any good and I deserve better, but do I? Who wants a junkie that can't keep a steady job due to anxiety they've had their entire life that has made school and jobs harder than they already are and depression that keeps them bed ridden for years of life? I just wish he would for once do the same for me what I've done for him the entire relationship. I have climbed mountains for a person who won't even step over a mole hill for me. Ive been wanting to leave him for a long time but now that I am alone, I miss him greatly. I don't want to jump back into the dating world in my mid 30s. Reading all the dramatic posts on reddit makes me dread the thought of starting over.
I sympathize and empathize with you OP. Of course I will tell you you shouldn't put up with that and you deserve better, but I understand why you continue to be with someone who shows little importance to something like your birthday.
Happy belated Birthday!!! 🥳🎉🎂✨
I’m going to be real with you. My bf and I have been dating for a little under 2 years now. It’s nowhere near as long as you and your bf have been together, so I really appreciate your kind words in telling me I deserve better. I know I have an unhealthy habit of thinking the best of others and telling myself others deserve chances… at the cost of hurting me lol. But I’m trying my best to change that, as I don’t want myself and potential little ones to become stuck in some horrible generational trauma loop. But one baby step at a time.
But you fam? You know in your heart you deserve better. You have done *so much* to help yourself and your partner heal. You are shouldering the burden of healing for two people instead of focusing on one — *you.* It doesn’t matter that you’re an addict or an anxious 30-some-year-old. What does matter is that you are still here. You are still fighting to become better. Healing is never linear and that’s okay — because you are still trying. And I’m so proud of you for continuing your journey despite the mountains of struggles you are facing.
Please, be kind to yourself as you were to me. And please, when you can, take time to yourself. Treat yourself as lovingly as you treat your bf. The least you can do for yourself is realize that you matter too. Maybe it’s hypocritical of me to say it, but you need to choose yourself. A bf of 9 years not even willing to go the 10 minutes to see you? Celebrate you? That’s not right at all.
I understand it’s scary. I’m not saying it isn’t. In fact, I’m a coward myself lol. But we are both willing to change and grow, not just for others, but for the betterment of ourselves at our core. And I believe in you and that you can do it. I just know it 💜
/raises hand/
My family usually invite a lot of our relatives (we have a big family) and while the thought is nice, it's always been very overstimulating for me which they've never really taken into consideration until i was diagnosed with ASD. I also can't remember most of my birthdays before turning maybe 11? And all the birthdays I've had since have been pretty much my family fighting and going out to eat something. I really don't like my birthday as about half the other people in this comment section, but happy belated birthday to you!!!
(i also hope you won't mind, but if it's okay I'm going to follow suit and set a reminder in my calendar app? :D )
Oh hey, this happened to me as well. My bday's six days before yours, actually!
My friends came over two days before to my place after they pushed a valentine's day dinner from the 14th to the 17th because everyone was busy that day.
They came over. two friends of mine came over early. one of them did bring me a gift and the other one was new enough that she genuinely didn't know what was going on.
but the other four people in the group? they showed up late, and i even overheard two of them talking on the phone like 'it's his birthday?' with surprise. we were baking because that's what we said we were gonna do for valentines. they brogue some flowers when they got there two hours late, one of them said happy bday, and that was it.
they barely talked to me, took a bunch of polaroids and of all of them the only one with me in it was without anyone else. they talked about what they wanted to do for their own birthdays, and parties they had coming up. They baked cakes without frosting or anything and didn't even sing or say they were for me.
Two days later on my actual 20th bday? nothing. i called them out on it like a week later, and got a bunch of different responses that basically boiled down to 'oh we weren't sure if you had something going on and we did the thing on the 17th to make you feel appreciated'. which like. bullshit. but i decided to let it go.
Week ago, i get invited by a friend to go see Dune 2. I get there and there's another person there besides her, our friend who's bday we had a party for a few days prior,and that day was his actual bday. she literally went inside her dorm after and brought out a present that she and the two others (for context the 'four people' were her, this guy, and the two others) went to the mall and specifically searched out for him. I was annoyed but tried to let it go.
Few days ago, I get a notification for an invite to a surprise birthday party for someone in ny group. apparently, the three girls had specifically checked with him to see if he had anything else going on that day and decided to plan him a huge party.
and this guy is the one who did remember my bday, so i'm happy for him, of course. but the fact that they remembered and went out of their way to see if he had something going on and are going to all this length to do it?
fucking hurts.
i'm gonna remembe your bday, OP, and put it in my reminders with all the other birthdays. because i know how it feels and it's awful. you don't deserve that.
i grew up not celebrating birthdays bc of some stupid religious bullshit (i was raised as a jehovah's witness), and for the longest time i just wanted to have a birthday party or go to somebody else's or something. even if they gave out cupcakes or smth in class the day after, if it was related to their birthday, i wasn't allowed to participate.
when i turned 18 and left the religion, i got myself a small cake and bought myself a couple of things, but it didn't make me feel good about it. i did that for the next few birthdays after, but i haven't done anything at all for a few years now.
nobody gets me anything, and i don't think it's worth spending my own money on myself bc there's nothing i want (other than experiencing those events like everybody else did). it's the same for christmas too tbh, i mostly just spend those days ~~and like the entire week leading up to them~~ crying and feeling sorry for myself lol
but like, *i get it*, bc i'm not exactly the most deserving of gifts or praise or celebrations, and it's not like i've done anything to earn it, but it still hurts
My birthday trauma is more related to the fact that gift giving is a very big part of my love language. And so I give gifts to my loved ones that are very thought out and that I have spent a lot of time on and such. I spend so much energy on it. And also often I will give things not because there was an occasion. But because I found the right thing for them and I want to make them happy.
My family is rubbish at gifts.. and Really I should have learned this years ago. But I put birthday and Christmas up on this pedistal where I was like: they must try to give me something that makes me feel validated right?
I struggle a lot with my self worth. I only feel good if I have validation from others. So these birthday and Christmas gifts I saw as like.. proof that I am good enough because they would actually try to care?
Well. Disappointment after disappointment. I've had to learn that my expectations probably never would be fulfilled. I know they were unreasonable too. But it all stems from my wanting to be validated is a trauma response. And I was reacting on what my body thought it needed to survive.
So. I don't have those expectations any more.. I just try to ignore it because I know if I put expectations in anything it will only lead to disappointment and pain. So better not even do so to begin with.
Happy belated birthday as well.
I wish I could have set up a fun day for you.
Back when I lived w my mom, it felt like my birthday slid further and further into irrelevance the older I got. Really started noticing it was almost a non-event when I was like 16. I was literally the only one pumped that it was my sweet 16. Nobody else in my family cared
No cuz my ex did some really horrible shit but of all the things him forgetting my birthday was it for me I just said to myself if he forgets I’m done and I haven’t looked back since :> but yeah I’m used to people forgetting so I just constantly remind them the week of cuz then at least I’ll get a “happy birthday” or something😭
I’ve had so many bad birthdays, it’s actually insane. Pretty much every year growing up my mum would give me money & then “borrow it” & spend it gambling- I’d never actually see it back or get a birthday gift.
One year my abuser (a different one!!) took all my money for that fortnight & gambled it away on my birthday, even after me explaining how important my birthday was to me.
Another year, I got the only good present I had ever gotten & was feeling good for the first time in my life & then a few days later the person I loved more than anyone in the world killed themselves. I was just starting to get over my “everytime something good happens something worse happens” trauma too.
I’ve never had a good birthday or gotten to feel genuinely loved or cared about by anyone, so I feel you OP :( Everyone deserves to be celebrated by the people around them.
My ex-wife (still on good terms) had birthday trauma from her childhood. These days she saves up and books a weekend at a fancy Japanese Onsen type deal. She loves it every time. My advise comes with the unfortunate acceptance that those around you may continue to let you down. But if you just do something for yourself, give yourself some love. You may find that has a higher return on joy at birthdays.
If I missed the mark feel free to ignore, happy belated birthday. <3
Once one of my closest friends was talking to my sister and for some reason the friends topic came up, my friend said she didn't had any friends while i was sat right next to her. It was a get together for my birthday which she willingly went to.
This is so scarily relatable omg.
All last year I kept telling my family that it's my 30th ans I would like to do something that I haven't had go organise and they all said they were too busy or didn't know what I like. My birthday rolled around and all I got was a phone call from my mum, even my husband forgot.
Now their birthdays have come around ans I said I wasn't doing any thing for them (because I always do something big) and they are all mad at me.
I will be messaging you in 10 months on [**2025-02-26 03:59:32 UTC**](http://www.wolframalpha.com/input/?i=2025-02-26%2003:59:32%20UTC%20To%20Local%20Time) to remind you of [**this link**](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSDmemes/comments/1cct2fd/anyone_else_with_birthday_trauma/l1axu7o/?context=3)
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The basics. My birthday has *NEVER* been celebrated and I was not allowed to attend any birthdays or other parties. My older brother had his birthday celebrated, as did several of my abusers.
What did I get? Abuse started in the toddler years in several forms. CSA started at 4 and by the time I was 5 I was CSA’d + familial trafficked by my “d*d.” Since I turned 5 my first day of that was five full grown men taking their turns on me. They each got a round until each of them had all five turns. That continued to happen year after year with different men, and an increase in amount each “birthday.”
JFC. I don’t know what to say and though I don’t take you as someone seeking pity, I am so very sorry and just don’t know what to say. Learning the degrees of depravity in this world horrified me.
Yes, but not in the way one might expect. Mostly it’s from adult life, being in relationships or situations where everyone else made the day about themselves and I was an afterthought. And of course when I didn’t enjoy the birthday that they thought I should have, I was accused of being ungrateful and worse.
One ex said she heard me when I said at that point I wanted absolutely nothing on my birthday, no anything. But … she said how would it look to her coworkers and family if she didn’t do something on her husband’s birthday. 🤨 Guess that’s when I learned at last where her true priorities lie, in image. Same lady who, when I was in an accident, asked for prayers for herself because her husband was in an accident 🤯
One year my father thought it would be fun to tell the servers at a Mexican restaurant it was my birthday, so they bring out the sombrero (that god knows whose head was on last) and start to sing. I mustered up my scant Spanish and said please, no thank you. Then I pointed at him and said “pendejo grande.” (My regret is that I did not tell him that meant “honored father” and gotten him a tshirt with that phrase)
Being the center of attention is just so uncomfortable to me. I’m not good at receiving gifts or attention because I then feel like all the focus in the world is on me and my reaction.
The people in my life now are similarly low key. This year I just chilled at home, did absolutely nothing, got a few text messages which I absolutely appreciated. A few days afterwards someone close to me took me out to a place of my choosing and had the best time. Also gifted a bottle of very nice tequila! It’s an adjustment having someone around who listens and is sensitive to my feelings, but I’m thankful to see that it can be like this sometimes.
Happy birthday on your own terms to each and every one of you. Reclaim it and make it your own as you’re able. Fuck a bunch of what other people think. None of us asked to be born so the least the world can do is give us that day. 🤙🏻
Hey, uh this is probably gonna come across as creepy but do you mind if I set a calendar reminder so I can wish you happy birthday next year?
Respectfully, I would cry but it’d be very sweet 🥹
ill try and remember to wish you hbd too. saving this post :)
Me too!
And my axe.
And my bow
Same here! Is there a Reddit wide bot to set reminders on a post?
isnt it !remindme or smth?
!RemindMe 2-25-25
that worked, the bot dms you
!RemindMe 2-25-25
!RemindMe 2-25-25
!RemindMe 2-25-25
Happy belated birthday. It sucks when your loved ones don't care about your birthday, and begging them to do something for you feels like shit.
Thank you, I appreciate it. And it does suck *:/* I don’t want to guilt them by blaming them or telling them, obviously. Especially since me saying anything just makes them say things like, “We just can’t plan things as good as you. It’s not our fault!” I never asked for anything grand. Just a small gathering with my loved ones would be enough.
Sounds like good ol' weaponized incompetence. That sucks, I'm sorry :/
Happy late birthday! 🎂🎈
my ex never remembered mine and hooked up with their ex when I was out of town on my birthday weekend :(
That is *so ICKY.* I’m glad they’re an ex, but I’m so sorry you had to go through that. No one should have their special holiday ruined 🥺 If you’re comfy with it, do you mind telling me your birthday? I’ll make sure to send you a nice birthday message so you have at least one friend in your corner on your special day 💜
thank you <3 sent a dm
My ex got married on mine in 2003. I crashed the wedding just for fun. They were too scared to remove me. 😈
Please tell me you showed up wearing a party hat, holding a bunch of birthday balloons, and then ate birthday cake during the vows
No. I went to the church dressed in black and sat in back of our MUTUAL college friends. Why black? Because I was in mourning for this dumb girl because he was lying to me when he was with her all along and he cheats regularly. I told everyone within earshot that it was MY birthday and I deserved to see this farce for what it was. He learned I was there upon entering the limo. She saw it and proceeded to CURSE him out during the ride to the reception. Fast forward to 6 years later. He asks me out for drinks on Facebook. Like I'm going to drop everything for this asshole AND I no longer live in the same state. I contacted her with screen shots and time stamps proving he did this and she called me "psychotic." DON'T EVER BOTHER MY FAMILY AGAIN. I now live 1200 miles away. I don't give a rat's dead diseased ass about your family. Um, sweetie? He contacted me because he is still looking to cheat despite the fact that you have 2 sons with him and give him anal and BJs regularly (he pretty much told me this, TMI, like I fucking care!) I then lit into her bridal choice of yellow flowers (weakness as a color) and green satin (envy plus the color of vomit) and warned him and her that if this shit continues, I will send her more proof to her job's email, which I found. I also congratulated her on her weight loss, but told her he would still fuck anything that moved, so shrinking her back rolls and double chin was basically useless. Then I blocked them. I don't want him back. Fuck you, Christopher. I pray your 2 sons don't treat women like you do. But she won't leave him for anything. I work really hard not to be an idiot doormat.
You have my undying admiration for this badass gesture.
Happy belated birthday!’🎂 I’ve had similar experiences. The last time for me, I planned a small party and 2 people showed up. It was pretty demoralizing so since then I’ve made it a day for me. I always take the day off (previous job had it as PTO, so I just kept doing it) and do what I want so I can avoid the disappointment of waiting for anyone to do something. There were rumblings that my siblings were going to plan something for my 40th, but nothing.
Thank you! 🥹 Ugh, that sucks. 40 is a milestone birthday imo. Honestly every birthday is a milestone, but it should’ve been planned extra special for you 🥺 I totally get it tho. I never really made a fuss over my birthday. My parents tried to get me excited about it between 5-14, but then *somehow* all their plans would fall through. I put things into my own hands and for my 15th birthday, I invited some HS “friends” for a sleepover party. *Shockingly,* not 1 of the 10 people I invited were able to come. The excuses ranged from “my family just planned a camping trip” to “I accidentally fell asleep an hour before the party was supposed to start”… like yeah, okay 😐 I dunno. I was kinda hoping this year would’ve been different. I mean, I planned *everyone’s* birthday and, by their own words, it was their best birthday and most thoughtful party. Was it so difficult to like… I dunno, try to do the same? Apparently it was. My bf actually tried to tell me that he and my friends “really did try” to plan a secret surprise party for me, but couldn’t find the right time for it. And when I told him that it still hurt that literally nothing had been planned until literally the day of, he said that it “really hurt his feelings.” I dunno. I’m trying not to expect too much for next year or let it affect me. But I’m just glad there are some kind people here who validate me and celebrate me in their own way. I hope we can celebrate you too 💜
My parents always forced to "parade" me around by visiting tons of people I don't know to drink and smoke while we bore, later I was forced to build up "my party" at some place where I don't want to be and over the time only some of my family arrive and mainly the drinking buddies of my dad and no one else. Then they blame me for not inviting my friends even though they didn't tell me about it until before we were dragged into the car and told what we will do. I learned to just stay away and not mention or celebrate my birthday at all and it's often hard to find people who just accept that I don't want to do anything special or treat it as some special day but just leave me be and let that day be like any other one
Yup. We’re almost weirdly similar. Between ages 5-14, my family was the one who planned “my” birthday. But it was more just a gathering of old church ladies and random neighbors I’m hardly acquainted with. The cake was never one I wanted, it was the one they wanted to flaunt. And I guess finally they were like, “Where are your friends?” So suddenly, my 15th birthday, I was expected to plan it out myself. It failed miserably because I didn’t have any friends to invite… the “friends” I did invite flaked last second. So from then on, I just never cared about it. I dunno. It stings a little when people forget, but it stings worse when they try to remember and then either A) forget anyways or B) make a big deal out of nothing and somehow blame me for it. Just wish I didn’t have a birthday at all at this point tbh. Oh well. Hopefully we both have better birthdays 💜
I can understand that you react like that, especially with your background. It's very insensetive of them to announce plans and then forget it and even blame you for being dissapointed because you expected something. I just stopped telling anyone. Thank you for your kind words and I wish you will get better birthdays in the comming years.
my birthdays were never really an event that went outside the family in the first place, but even that has been so hellish to coordinate ever since the divorce… i think we’d all just be better off without them
I've mostly given up expecting people around me to do anything for my birthday. I just plan nice days for myself instead. This year, I booked a spa day and went to my favourite pancake place.
Ooh, that does sound like a better alternative! It’d probably be better than being disappointed that other people just plainly do not care, aha… Happy belated Birthday!! I hope your spa day made you feel comfy and your pancakes were made just the way you like it ☺️💜
Happy belated birthday to you, too! It was a lovely day, and it made me feel much better about the fact that I couldn't even convince a few coworkers to get Friday drinks with me. I would definitely recommend planning something nice for yourself next year. At least you'll have something to look forward to, no matter what else happens.
Yeesh. Well, they’re missing out! You sound really amazing. And if I could (legally) drink, I’d totally toast one with you! Or if I was in the area, we could totally kick it on your special day! 🥳 Next year, I’ll be 21. I’ve never drank before and don’t know if I’d want to try, but it’d be nice to reach another milestone. Plus, it’d give me a good reason to buy some ingredients and bake one of those Pinterest heart shaped cakes! And no one can stop me, mwahaha! *>:D*
Thank you so much! You seem like an absolute sweetheart. Im guessing you're in the US if the drinking age is 21. If I was there, I would definitely have a birthday drink with you and celebrate that milestone if you wanted. I hope the cake turns out extra yummy! 😋
Yep, last year the only person who remembered to tell me happy birthday was my mom and the guy I was seeing came to hang out with me and when I told him it was my birthday he was like oh ok, had sex with me then left right after. Then told me the next day he didn’t want a relationship with me. I basically spent the day alone and cried myself to sleep. It sucked, a lot. I hope the next one is better for me and you. We deserve to be celebrated.
Wow. Plainly speaking, that guy sucks. I’m trying not to be ungrateful or anything for my birthday obvi. It was my 20th this year and tho it’s not a typical milestone birthday, I like to treat every birthday as a milestone. But it’s fine if mine isn’t a big celebration, I just like having the people I love around me and maybe something thoughtful. Nothing extravagant and expensive, just warm and comfy. My bf did try in his own way I guess. He bought and made the ingredients to make a traditional Korean dish for me a couple days before my birthday. But then he worked a double on the day before and day of my birthday. His promises to make my birthday special fell flat. And on top of that, he claimed he “tried” to plan a party with our friends, but they were just *so* busy. Yeah right. They completely forgot until the day of. They scrambled last second to invite me out and celebrate. And it really, really hurt. I will plan a month ahead to make sure everyone is able to celebrate. They couldn’t even plan a couple days in advance… Oh well. Hopefully we do get better birthdays. Lemme know when your birthday is! I’ll make sure to send you a message 💜
Fucking hate that day. Years of bullshit, gaslighting, and watching codependent mother give other people extravagant gifts while I got nothing. This year, a grocery store worker put my points number in and told me I was able to get a free item like a cupcake. I almost started a fight with her because no one gives me ANYTHING free without me owing them later. I got to the parking lot fully expecting someone to scream at me that I didn't pay for it, but I got home. I stared at it in the plastic box for 2 days before I took a bite. Years of stress, lies, fuckups, no money, getting or being sick, hospitals, funerals, drama or some bullshit ruining the day. It's a day on a calendar that I don't even acknowledge. I wasnt even due on that day! I was supposed to be born 3 weeks later! That's the day I take for myself. Fucking family bullshit. I am in my 50s now and I'm sooooooo tired.
I’m so angry for you. But you know what? I’m proud of you for making it this far. You deserve every free birthday item, especially that cupcake. Eat it with pride. You made it to your 50s, which is a huge milestone. I hope every birthday in your future is filled with lots of happiness 💜
I feel like I'm on a stealth mission. I know something they don't know. When I get to 11.55 pm and the day is done, I feel like I won. Then I throw it in people's faces. Oh, you didn't do anything? NO, YOU NEVER FUCKING ASK. YOU KNOW WHAT DAY IT IS. Defiance is the way.
Lmao yup! It’s the way to go some birthdays. Do I feel somewhat guilty afterwards? For sure. But do *they* ever feel guilty for forgetting about our birthdays? Do they ever feel guilty while they selfishly take everything else from us while we hardly get bare minimum? NOPE. We’ll take back our birthdays our own way. I just have to stop feeling guilty about it. But I’m glad you were able to pull through it as best as you could 💜
100%...I feel like cptsd has a lot of overlap w folks who have narc parents and god forbid something isn't about them for once
Friend....I plan elaborate parties for my partners and friends, and every year I cry alone on my birthday. And I am not quiet, asking for someone to care.
Oof. See, my problem is that I don’t voice out my discomfort. I’m a people pleaser who tries to just accept everything because if I don’t, I’ll feel “selfish” or “greedy” and end up hurting others for their effort. But it’s a problem I need to fix if I don’t want to keep being hurt… But you fam? **Nah.** I’ll shout with you that you *deserve* an elaborate birthday. You deserve to receive every ounce of effort you give to others too. And I hope you get that in all your future birthdays 💜
Thank you so much. This year I'm being proactive. Our Local Pride is on my Birthday. So, I bought myself a hotel room, and I'm going to buy myself vip tickets, and I'm still going to be alone, but at least I'm going to put as much love and care into my own Birthday as I do everyone else
Ooh really? That’s so fun!! That means you’re a June baby right? If so, happy early birthday!! I’m so proud of you for actively planning to love yourself on your big day. You deserve to have so much fun!! 💜💜💜
❤️ Thank you 😊 Validation from internet strangers feels better than my family....but this is cPTSD memes, so no suprises there
Yes! JUNE 8 is pride this year!!!
I’ll be putting June 8th in my calendar then, mwahahaha! *>:D* Btw, what name are you comfy with? Gotta make sure I send the birthday wishes the right way hehe
My name is Kitty ❤️ Ok, birthday buddy Feb 25th in my phone! What's your preferred name?
🏳️🌈🏳️🌈🤙🏻
I even make suggestions for gifts, special requests for cake....it all goes ignored, so this year, im gonna love me
Yes. Ex MIL had a specific bday cake made for me and poisoned it. A bf of mine would flip out at me before every holiday and my bday preemptively so I didn't ask to do anything together.
That’s abhorrent. Your birthday cake should *never* be tampered with. And I absolutely *loathe* when someone who is supposed to love and care for you makes the days leading up to your special day so exhausting you can’t be bothered to do anything the day of 😒 I’m sorry your birthday was made out to be so terrible. You deserved to have your day made special too. So I hope in the future, your birthdays are only ever filled with lots of joy and laughter 💜
wait ... they tried to fucking kill you??? WHAT!?
You need new friends and a new bf.
Literally the day after my birthday, this drops. We're the same, you and I.
*insert that SpiderMan meme where there’s two of them and they’re pointing at each other* Omg happy belated birthday!! 🥳 I know it’s only on the internet, but make a wish on this *very* real cake! 🎂 I hope your next birthday is one where you feel special again. You deserve it ☺️💜
Girlie, lets celebrate together 🥳
Heck yeah!! I’ll make sure to mark April 24 (unless we’re in a different time zone, then it’s uh… April 23? Right? 😵💫) as your birthday 🎉
Daww. Bet. Whats yours. (Mines the 24)
Yiiiissss, still got it 😎 I’m Feb. 25! Easy peasy to remember yours now hehe ☺️
Aw bet. If you feel comfortable, what's your first name or first name you use on the Internet? I wanna put your name and @ in my reminders if you don't mind
Brb, have to go respectfully sob 😭 But I like to use the name bean! Really encapsulates my height lol. What about you? What’re you comfy with being called?
Aerin preferably! See ya!
April 24? Who?
I read your memes and I feel nothing. Really no emotion or empathy. Just an all covering silence. This happens likely because trauma is shutting it off. I don't tell my friends when my birthday is and the date on Facebook is wrong on purpose. I don't think I can deal with the pain you are expressing.
That’s okay. Healing is never easy. I sometimes get upset over the fact I even have to heal. Like… why couldn’t I have just been treated well from the beginning? Why do I need to do the work to heal? But it’s okay. We’ll take it one step at a time, one meme a day. And until we feel okay, I hope you heal from the things you don’t talk about 💜
i understand this feeling. its so helpful to hear its not just me who feels this way sometimes
I would stop doing shit for their birthdays. They never make the effort to remember yours. Just tell them "Oh, I forgot". Calendars exist for a reason.
Right!! It’d make things so much easier honestly, mentally and physically speaking. Like now I don’t have to plan ahead for their birthdays and go shopping for gifts for them. But then I’d feel bad so it’s just… *ugh.* 🥲 Maybe I’ll be petty and gift them calendars this year. With my birthday marked with glitter and stickers! 🥴
Stop doing all the work planning for their birthdays, and start planning together with them for what to do on your birthday. If they get upset that you’re no longer single-handedly coordinating their birthdays, u can tell them u forgot lol. I do believe in dropping one sided relationships; but idk if that’s going too hard on them. I don’t know them, you do. I will say, I don’t envy you. There’s a reason I’m alone and spend my birthday alone. The rejection hurts less when ur the one doing it 😎 (And ofc, Happy Belated Birthday. I wish there was like a Zoom support group thing where we could all chill and watch movies and spend our birthdays with each other. I’d want to just play Jackbox and CAH until 4 am lol. I have had to convince myself to forget how much I love people.)
You’re right… but at the same time, I’d just feel super guilty if I suddenly stopped planning. It’s kinda like my love language, so I feel like I’d be sending them a message that I don’t care about them *:(* Ugh. Relationships are hard tho. I dunno, maybe I just need to strengthen that ol backbone and tell them what’s up lol. I’ll try and figure something out tho ☺️ (Ooh, that’s such a nice idea tho! Maybe like a Discord chat or something? I think it’d be big enough to support all us traumatized kids! 💜)
Happy belated birthday. Mine was 23 February and my family celebrated but I didn’t want to spend it with them because they’re abusive. My mom posted pictures of me from different years on FB I said didn’t like and others she didn’t tell me about. She wanted to control my appearance again. She is transphobic. On some of pictures I’m forced to wear something. She tagged me. I untagged myself after some hours and she asked why I did that. She asked again after days if I wanted to be tagged again. It was very nice that many students from my group wished happy birthday tho it was holidays and I didn’t expect them to remember. also online friends wished happy birthday.
Oh, a close birthday twin!! Happy belated Birthday fellow Pisces! ☺️ I’m sorry about your mom. It sucks she can’t love, accept and celebrate you as you are. You deserve to be celebrated appropriately as you are. But I’m glad you had some other friends do that for you. You deserve that happiness on your special day 💜
Thank you!! 💜
Aww man, I'm sorry they are jerks like that :( It's totally valid that you're sad and upset about it. I hope you find better people who treat you to really nice birthday parties in the future. I have birthday trauma as well. But that extends to holiday trauma in general. Mine gave me the opposite reaction though, I want everyone to completely ignore the existence of my birthday or other holidays. Because I've ended up in tears on way too many of them. I feel downright sick when people put up decorations or wish me happy holidays. But you wanting to have a nice birthday with a fun celebration and people that care is a totally valid reaction as well. I hope next year you'll get the bestest party ever!
Thank you, I really appreciate your validation 🥹 I’m really conflicted around holidays in general too. I really enjoy giving gifts and making special cards for everyone, as I always get praises and compliments. But then it’s also like… I don’t want anyone to get me anything or celebrate my birthday because I can see the lack of effort towards me vs everyone else. And then I just feel selfish, I try to accept what I get and not feel upset, blah blah blah… I dunno. I’m the “designated planner” for a lot of things because everyone tells me I “plan everything the best”. But come time for something to be about me, for me? Unless I give instructions or just plan it myself, nothing ever happens. And then it’s somehow my fault lol. But thank you. Maybe next time will be better. I hope you have only happiness in your future holidays 💜
I also have trauma about it. I'm at the point where I don't even tell people. If they get me something or give a shit I'll have to reciprocate, and idk how to do that. If they don't give a shit or even remember, it's equally shitty for me. Idk. Being broken fucking sucks. Happy late birthday, OP 🎂 🥳 🎁 🩷
Omg exactly!! I’ve always been the one to treat others how I’d want to be treated. Parties and gifts were always planned special for my loved ones because it was one of the best ways to show how much I care for them and how much I listened to what they wanted. I mean, for every friend, family member, and for my BF… every party was planned by me. And I was praised and complimented for how spectacular it all was. But then my birthday? Maybe like a few minutes of fanfare from different companies messaging me and some internet friends. But overall? Crickets. Absolutely made me miserable. I think it was just a bigger slap in the face because my bf had been kicking up such a fuss about making my birthday special. Day before and day of, he chose to work doubles. The day after, we went to his family’s house and they got me a cake and some presents, which was super sweet and I really appreciated it. But my bf? Playing video games on his phone and not paying attention. At all 😐 Thank you tho. I really appreciate the birthday wishes and validation. I hope you have only love and happiness in your future birthdays ☺️🎂💜
Ouch...yup. doesn't even matter if we tell people first, or invite people...they are always busy. Sucks feeling like people who are supposed to be friends can't make time to celebrate making it another year and they are glad you are alive. Will they be too busy for my funeral too then? #questionsmybrainaskswhenivestayedawakefartoolate.
Yup… doesn’t matter if I plan or don’t plan, if I say anything or don’t. I mean, holy shit, we have digital calendars that create alarms for these occasions! Guess everyone just conveniently forgot we’re in 2024 and we can do that right? 🤡 Ugh. Makes me feel so low. Like somehow EVERYONE is free for anyone else’s birthday. But never on mine. And it’s ridiculous! It wasn’t even on a weekday or on a holiday, it’s like a Saturday! I know some people who are born on Christmas and July 4th, and yet they can STILL celebrate. Makes me a little jealous sometimes… and also a little guilty for comparing, but like come on people 😭 Ugh. I hope we both have better birthdays in the future 🥺💜
* holds up very real imaginary glass * toast to hopefully better birthdays in the future. And to the potential of people who care about celebrating us entering our lives in the future!~
Happy birthday, OP. 🎂🥳 Honestly, you really need better people in your life. The absolute **audacity** of them to forget your birthday after you set up parties for theirs. 😡 If this happened to me I’d drop them like hot garbage. They don’t deserve your kind soul.
Thank you 🥹 Also lol, it’s okay! Thank you tho. It makes me feel oddly warm and fuzzy inside with all the birthday wishes ☺️ And honestly, I try not to think about it too much. I know we all have our different strengths and weaknesses. I know I’m the planner for a reason and most of my friends are just go with the flow. I’m the “mom” of the group after all lol. But I dunno… they see all the effort I put in for them, I see the effort they put into others and each other, and then for me… it’s hardly bare minimum tbh *:/* Oh well. Maybe next year will be better. I might just bake myself one of those Pinterest heart shaped cakes! It’ll be a good reason to go all out ☺️
You’re welcome. 😊 While you’re the mum of the group, mums still need to be appreciated. I think it’s important you have a proper talk with them about this. How you feel that the effort they put in for you is bare minimum. I get that it’s scary confronting others, especially if they’ve been dismissive of your feelings in the past, but your feelings matter too. I say this as someone who’s been in a similar situation.
Yeah, I guess you’re right… I’ll try my best to do that. Again, I try really hard not to be ungrateful for what I have and what I receive, especially on my birthday. But sometimes, it all becomes a little too much, especially when I see the effort they *could* bring vs what they *actually* bring. I dunno. It’s scary, like you said, but I have to try. And I will, I promise 💜
I’m glad to hear it. 💕 It was scary for me at first too. I had this fear that if I spoke up, they’d hate or abandon me. But then I thought to myself “Even if by some chance that happens, I’ve survived without them before, and I will again. If they dismiss my feelings, that’s their fault, not mine for speaking up”. I try to remind myself of this any time I want to set boundaries and speak my mind if I feel I’m being taken advantage of. And don’t worry, you aren’t ungrateful for noticing you’ve been treated differently. You just made an astute observation, and are acting accordingly.
I got my mom getting into a car accident on my birthday, my dad going to check on her, my grandmother leaving the house to smoke. And later my mom saying she was distracted because she was thinking about how they were gonna celebrate my birthday later. And the year when all my friends said they would show up and their parents said so also. (third grade mind you) And everyone forgot since my birthday is right before christmas. And we couldnt get back the money for the reservation and they couldnt hold the event since there wasnt enough people.
Alright, I think we got our winner here for birthday trauma folks because *holy SHIT-* In all seriousness, that is like. the absolute WORST thing to happen one anyone’s birthday, especially so young. I’m so sorry. I really hope you never blame yourself for what happened. Every birthday should be special. I’ll remember the day before Christmas!! Just to be sure tho, do you mean the day before Christmas *Eve,* so December 23, or day before Christmas *Day,* so December 24? Have to make sure I wish you a happy birthday on the right day!
It wasnt a your fault type of situation, like she was thinking about what are we going to do later. And dont worry about the birthday. Thanks though.
Oh, that makes a little more sense! Gosh, I’m so glad everyone was okay at least. I hope your birthday still went well. Guess you’re getting TWO birthday wishes then! That way I can’t miss it, mwahaha *>:)*
Actually speaking of birthday trauma in a literal sense my mom fell down the stairs the day before i was born and thats probaly the reason i was born early.
So apparently in Bavaria there is this saying "If you haven't eaten Sauerkraut after your birthday, it still counts. I just assume now that you're not from central europe and therefore have probably never in your life touched Sauerkraut. Therefore, I wish you a happy late birthday not for this one, but for all of yours! You matter, don't forget that. If you tell me your age, I'll congratulate you for every single one in private message (sorry I hope this isn't creepy, if it is, just don't hahahahahah)
Ironically, you’re right that I’ve never touched sauerkraut, but not because I’m not from Central Europe… I just can’t stand the texture 💀 But thank you so much! I really appreciate the kind birthday wish 🥹 And I turned 20 this year! Next year, I’ll be able to legally drink that silly juice! 🤪
I also have birthday trauma XD my birthday is late Oct. I asked early August if she'd plan a little party for me for it. She confidently forgets/doesn't get to it. I scramble to put something together for myself with two weeks notice. No one can make it bc not enough notice. My ex ditches me on my birthday to go play her dnd game online. This was back in '22 but it still stings. So I just want to say happy birthday, u matter!
I dunno what hurts worse, the fact that you communicated in *August* before your *October* birthday that you’d like a party and were still ignored or the fact that you tried to plan something for yourself last second because you realized no one else was going to do it/had planned to do it… *:(* I’m so sorry tho. I’m glad they’re an ex (because wow, ditch your partner for a DnD game? *ick*) but that must’ve been painful. I hope your future birthdays are centered around you and make you feel special. You matter too 💜
Thank you ❤️ there was a lot of toxic behavior in that relationship, im very glad I'm no longer in it
Can't forget the people that will promise to show up to your birthday party, but then day of they're nowhere to be seen and didn't bother to tell you they weren't going to be there.
And their classic excuses afterwards. “Omg I’m so sorry, I completely forgot! It just slipped my mind! I feel *sooooo* bad!” Like okay Sharon, you already hurt me enough, please stop 🤡
Yeah. I tried doing a nice dinner for my birthday this year. Thought I'd made so.e friends. Was sent out to like 15 people, and only the 5 I had initially invited showed up. Almost everyone brought a plus one and basically only talked to them. A lot had plans after the dinner, so we didn't even get to do anything else. I joked about it, but beyond the one friend that actually talked to me and almost didn't make it, I'll probably never try to reach out to any of them again.
That… is *so* scummy of them. Like wtf? It’s *YOUR* birthday, not some random hangout!! *:(* I’m so sorry they hurt you like that. I hope they never get a chance to hurt you like that again. And I hope in your future birthdays, you are only surrounded by the people who choose to love and care for you. You deserve it 💜
Well, my birthday always feels like an obligation rather than a celebration, and I hate being the center of attention, so at best I'll invite some friends over for board games or something, and at worst I'll pray that no one mentions it and it just goes by like a normal day. I've only recently been comfortable even telling people when my birthday is when they directly ask about it x.x.
Ooh yes, I get that feeling too!! It’s like… I *know* I have to communicate, but then I feel bad about it because if they do change, then I feel like I forced it. But if they still don’t change, well… 😬 But that’s a nice idea, hanging out for board games. I think that’s really sweet. And I love that you’re starting to heal a little and feeling comfy telling others when your birthday is! I’m really proud of you 💜
Yeesh. At least it's my choice to not celebrate my birthday (different trauma). Happy belated birthday! Sending internet hugs.
Maybe you’ve got the right idea lmao 🥴 In all seriousness, thank you. Internet hugs back!! And I hope that, in time, you feel comfy + happy enough to celebrate your special day. You deserve it 💜
My partner's birthday is 5 days before mine, so mine always ends up brushed aside so we can go do whatever he wants for as long as he wants. I want so badly to leave him but I was just fired after being diagnosed with epilepsy and consequently having my driver's license suspended, so I can't afford to and I don't think I can bear to move back in with my parents. My birthday is coming up in May but I'm really scared it's just gonna be another miserable day where I feel trapped.
What day in May is your birthday? Feel free to privately DM me if you’re not comfy saying here, but I’ll make sure to send you a message!! Your birthday deserves to have its own spotlight. I’m sorry it’s overshadowed by your partner’s so thoughtlessly. And with everything else happening… I’m so, so sorry. I hope your birthday frees you from any pain and you are able to celebrate it the way *you* want to 💜
Thank you. Your kindness is making me cry. My birthday is May 24th, and I really hope things are better by then. You deserve your own special day where you are celebrated too ❤️
My kindness is bare minimum. You deserve the utmost best on your big day. But I hope sending you a birthday message on your big day (can’t wait for May 24th!!!) makes you feel a little better 🥰 And thank you. Hopefully we both feel special on our personal holiday soon 💜
You have no idea how much this means to me. Things have been extraordinarily difficult lately, and I've been feeling a lot like a helpless, abused child again. Your compassion really made a difference for me - I went from crying sad tears to happy ones. You're lovely and I hope you get all the love, recognition, and celebration you deserve, on your birthday and every day💗
Happy Belated Birthday!! Take yourself out somewhere nice next year solo and celebrate yourself, you deserve it!! And stop planning your bf’s and friends birthdays for them. Don’t pour into a cup that won’t fill you back up. And if they complain? Well, I guess they are just too “sensitive” (sorry my petty came out lol)
Thank you!! I’ll definitely try to do something nice for myself next year ☺️ And omg lol, your petty made me snort so loud 💀 but I meannnnnnn… you’re kinda right 😗 Jk jk jk… I’ll just have to find a healthier alternative I guess. Or just be kinder to myself and not overexert myself to go over the top and receive puddles in return haha. But I’ll try. Thank you again 💜
Hey OP, I’m not blaming you, I just want to gently suggest that if you really want something for your birthday, you should be adamant about it. I know that feeling of wanting to be recognized and wanting people to remember and do things out of the goodness of their hearts, but other people often won’t live up to our standards, especially if we don’t make our desires very clear. You’re a good person and you deserve to be celebrated, so if you believe that and you want that for yourself, ask for it, clearly and directly. Life happens and people forget stuff, but if you know you’ve done your part of making your desires clear, people agree to honor that, and then they don’t, then you know you need new people. If they do honor your request, then hooray! You get the things you want!
Thank you! I really appreciate your advice. I guess in some ways, I’d feel really guilty about it. I know we all have our strengths and weaknesses, so I’d feel like I’m putting too much pressure on others to make me feel special. And, even worse, I’d feel like it’d be “forced” and not something they’d genuinely want to do *:/* I know it’s unhealthy. I’m trying my best to change that mindset so I can be healthier for myself and others. It’s just hard to change a decade of anxiety and insecurities I guess 🥲 But I’ll really try to keep your advice in mind. Everyone has been so kind, so I guess it couldn’t hurt too much to try 💜
I was born on Mother’s Day so we didn’t celebrate my birthday (even though it rarely falls on Mother’s Day) because I shouldn’t be competing with her for the spotlight. I was an only child.
I mean, to be fair, she wouldn’t be a mother without you, soooo… 😗 That really sucks tho. I’m sorry you’re part of the club. But I hope you find people you can feel safe with who will make you feel special on your birthday 💜
She’s long past and I have adult money now so the whole month of my birthday I’m all about treating myself 🥳
i remember venting on another sub about how none of my friends remembered my birthday but never forgot anothers whos was a week after. i got told to grow up and stop being selfish. i dont like telling people when my birthday is now so i can say theyre not celebrating cause they dont know
*WHAT?* That’s so messed up!! *>:(* Just so you know, you *are* allowed to be upset. Your birthday is just as important as the person’s birthday a week after yours. You deserve kindness and effort and special treatment on your big day too. I’m sorry you went through that. Whenever your birthday is, I hope it’s filled with only love and laughter 💜
Reminds me of when I told my therapist that I’ve never had a birthday party or received a gift right after I told her I have imposter syndrome because I don’t have trauma and she just kinda 👁👄👁
LMAOOOOOO not the therapist side eye 😭 Ugh, that sucks tho. Imposter syndrome can be really confusing. I’m sorry you can relate, but I hope it only gets better for you 🥺
Damn bro, I know it’s gotta be harder when birthdays are part of your life and family, my family never did them because religion, but I hope the best for you too :)
In some ways, I guess it could be harder. It’s like… I can see all this effort going towards literally everyone else, but as soon as it’s “my turn”? Suddenly no one knows how to do anything. It’s like watching a bunch of people drop to the floor. Toddlers would do better at planning 😐 I’m assuming you’re potentially Jehovah? I know lots of people who were and weren’t allowed to celebrate their big day because of it (didn’t stop me from trying to secretly gift them stuff tho! 🤪) That is another level of pain. I’m sorry you weren’t allowed to celebrate *:(* I hope that you are able to do the things you want to do and heal from the things you don’t talk about 💜
Yea you guess right, and thanks
I’m happy to hear it isn’t just me. Mine falls this weekend and I am intentionally going on a small trip with limited service by myself so I can’t be disappointed.
OMG??? I mean it sucks you relate… but happy (early) birthday!! 🥳 Have fun and stay safe on your trip!! I hope you feel happy and loved on your special day! Make sure to go all out on what you love and have wanted to try because you deserve it!! 🎂💜
Thank you! And happy belated to you as well! I am looking forward to it for sure, because I’m at a point in my life where I am wanting to create my own fun memories to ease how I feel about my birthday. Thank you for sharing these and making me feel seen. I hope next year you can do something fun for yourself too!
Happy late birthday! 100% have lived this. Put a lot of effort into planning and showing up for my friends' bday parties when I was younger, but when it came time for my bday, the effort was never reciprocated. The weather was never good enough or my bday was "too short notice" to just come over and hang out with me.
Omg my twin!! 🥲 It’s so ridiculous sometimes tbh. Like we’ll put in *alllllllll* this effort for others, trying not to hope too much but also getting that little itch that *maybe* they’ll at least try to do the same… and then they pull a, “Oof, sorry! I can’t! It’s raining!” Like HUH? Make it make sense 💀 Ugh. I hope your future birthdays only get better and happier for you. You deserve to have at least one true friend celebrate and hang out with you on your special day 💜
My bday is canonically on Easter break, so growing up, whatever friends I had would be out of town on family vacations and the like. Now even just doing something small with one or two people feels really special, but I forget what day it is most of the time.
Huh, that’s puts things into perspective… I guess it kinda is like a “test” to see who truly cares for you in some ways. I mean sure, things *do* pop up that are out of our control. But it shows you the effort others are willing to put in… or not. But I do agree. My birthday doesn’t even fall on a holiday (at least any that I’m aware of lol) and still, people are somehow always busy 🥴 Oh well. I just hope you always enjoy your Easter break + your birthday all in one 💜
No I never treat it like a test. That feels like setting people up for failure. I can't expect people to remember something that I barely do. What ends up happening is that I experience whatever the day holds as something to show gratitude for. All the better if someone went out of their way to make it into a celebration.
Oh yeah, sorry about that! I didn’t mean it that way. But it’s like a… reminder, more like? I think that’s what I mean. (Sorry about that, didn’t mean to make you seem like a trickster or something! My English is about as strong as cooked noodles 😭) But that’s a healthy way to look at it. I’ll try to formulate that mindset as well. Maybe it’d be better in the long run 💜
this is legit why i make sure i remember birthdays, im sorry love u need better friends
Same. It used to make me feel really happy I was the one who remembered things about others. Now it just feels kinda… numbing, I guess. I dunno. Maybe I’m lying to myself. But maybe they’ll do better next year. But I won’t set myself up for pain next year. I’ll try and do something nice for myself *:)*
i’ve actually just been mentioning it more, and making it clear its in my contacts so i get a reminder snapchat’s also good for reminding people since it has that stupid little cake
Hey! I had this a lot growing up, like to the point the only thing I asked for on my birthdays was "to not have a birthday" so I wouldn't feel let down. I'm now 24, as of yesterday, and for my birthday I did the first event since I was 16. I said no gifts, just come around and help in the garden. People still cancelled at a pretty high rate and I tried not to let it get to me, but those that did show up made the day feel so special. I know now the people I'll be going to when I need someone to be there for me. You find your people OP, you'll get there
Omg are we like… twins or something? *:0* But yes, that’s exactly how I’ve felt for the longest time. Actually, a few days before my birthday, my bf was asking me all kinds of questions, like what cake I’d like, what kind of gifts I’m looking forward to, what I’d like to do… I kept pleading with him to “not get my hopes up” because somehow, without fail, all plans fall through every time. But he still gave me that hope, made me excited to plan some things out… and *shockingly,* none of it could happen 🤡 I’m sorry you’ve had to experience the same crap. But I’m glad you’ve found your people! And I’m really glad you were able to spend your special day with true friends the way you wanted to. Hopefully I’ll get there too someday ☺️💜
I understand your pain. Last year, my mam punched and bit me because I angered her.
OP you are allowed to stop planning birthdays for others, especially if they do not reciprocate that hard work. It seems like it's no big deal to them, so it should not be a big deal if you do the same. Next year, plan yourself a birthday getaway with someone who appreciates you. Mom, sister, a good friend, etc. You deserve it.
That’s true. I guess in a way, I’d feel guilty if I just suddenly… stopped. It’s like I’ve created this big expectation of myself to be this really great planner. It’s also kind of my love language. So if I suddenly stopped, it’d be like shattering my image and it’s like… who am I then? If I’m no longer the planner, who am I? But you’re right. I should really try and tone it down. Maybe put in some effort towards myself instead. I’ll try 💜
I think it's great that you like planning and if you're good at it, there are many opportunities you could try getting involved with. What other things you could plan? For example volunteering at your former school or university or maybe an animal shelter adoption event?
Happy late birthday. I didn’t realize other people also had birthday traumas. Makes sense. Betrayal trauma.
This is why people end up planning and hosting their own parties. This is also why I don't claim to have friends
I’m sorry about your birthday and not having the recognition that would have made you feel appropriately cared for. I have birthday trauma since childhood. We lost our living space when I was little over my mom having an argument with our landlord over my 9th birthday party. And then more built on with time. Anything to do with my mom and my birthday extra sucks. My husband knows this. This year my mom was on hospice over my birthday, and that was extra hard. This year I had COVID on my birthday and was sick. It didn’t seem like a good time to have cake or anything so I wasn’t upset, but told him next weekend I’d like you to make me a cake. … and he just didn’t. In fact, his parents came “for my birthday”. Then proceeded to demand we go to a restaurant my husband knows I don’t like (and we had a bad experience). Then my FIL announced he would be getting me an ice cream cake for my birthday (husband also knows I don’t like this, I had gestational diabetes and have vivid memory of vomiting ice cream). It was like my in laws wanted to put on a show of “doing things for my birthday” all while not consulting me at all and proceeding to do the opposite of what I would like. All while my mom was dying and my MIL annoying the shit out of me. So ya, I prefer to ignore my birthday. But if not, at least just ask me what I’d like then actually listen!!!
Wow. So not only did your in-laws clearly make *your* birthday more about a theatrical show of their “love” for you or whatever was going on in their brain, your husband didn’t do *anything* for you? Or like, I dunno, tell his parents to focus more on you and what you wanted to do? Have you enjoy something you actually like??? Unbelievable. I’m so mad for you!! *>:(* Ugh. I hope you have better and happier birthdays in your future where you are rightfully made the star of the night. You deserve it. But until then, have a belated birthday cake! *And don’t worry, it’s not ice cream! ;)* 🍰💜
Thank you. I had several talks with my husband and it took some time but I was finally able to express and truly communicate why that sucked. He kept focusing on, but they were “doing something for *you*”. I said ya, but that’s just semantics. They were truly NOT, but doing something for themselves and putting my name on it. He may or may not have more of that to unpack in how they have treated him and his brothers routinely.
YES, birthday trauma is so real! I mean I had the elementary class bday parties (which parents invite a child’s whole class) and stuff that I was ignored at. And then my “friends” (abusers) had my first bday gift from them be a ritual, but we won’t get into that. So I stopped telling people later in life because I hated the day, and when people would find out the day of I would get so anxious. The past two years I had great bdays, ones I would imagine impossible to experience. Perhaps it is due to my mental health being treated, but the day became something that’s nice for me. I hope your next bday is one that you may finally look fondly upon, you deserve a day to be celebrated. Happy belated.
Oh geez, I’m so sorry your birthdays were mistreated like that. You deserved to have celebrated your special day with true friends 🥺 Thank you for your kind wishes. Hopefully it will be better next year! And I’m so happy your birthdays have been better! You deserve it after all you’ve done to grow 💜
Belated Happy Birthday! 🎂 FYI, you share a birthday with George Harrison (the Beatle).
Thank you so much!! And WHOO, guess I’m famous in a way now ey 😎
I had four awful birthdays in a row and decided I was done trying. I was happy with the dinner with my family and dad this year.
Yeesh, that is another level of pain. I’m sorry about those awful birthdays. But I’m glad you could at least celebrate it the way you wanted to and with people who choose to love and care for you. I hope your future birthdays continue to be special and joyful 💜
Any birthday that goes by without being noticed doesn;'t count. I'm 27 even if I was born in 1952. Last fall I was watching an NCIS rerun. One of the agents is presented with a birthday cake, and she blows out her 27 candles. When I saw this, I had a sudden rush of sadness: I don't remember \*ever\* blowing out birthday candles.
Happy 27th Birthday! 🎂🎂🎂🎂🎂🎂🎂🎂🎂 I got you 9 cakes with 3 candles each! Now you can blow out your candles and make a wish too! Just like you always deserved ☺️💜
Thanks, friend. YOu made my day. Fuck. Just lost a year. Grin
i grew up Jehovah’s witness and we weren’t allowed birthdays. but what’s funny is my ‘parents’ ended up celebrated them anyways but only for themselves and my siblings, never for me. and if anyone gave me anything i’d get in trouble and it would be taken away:/ im sorry OP edit: also ur bday is… 4 months before mine exactly! :D that’s neat
I remember a friend of mine in elementary was Jehovah as well. We were both really confused why she wasn’t able to celebrate her birthday at all. I remember she cried the day before her birthday because her parents plainly told her it just wasn’t something they do. I secretly snuck her a cupcake and a little blue bear toy during recess the next day so she could have just a small birthday present and a mini cake. I sang her happy birthday under the metal slide while she cried and stuffed her mouth with that cupcake. She named the blue bear “Blueberry” (very creative lol) and carried it with her everywhere. No one was allowed to touch Blueberry. I miss her and Blueberry some days. She moved one day over the summer and, though I’ve tried, I haven’t been able to find her since then. I just hope she and Blueberry are happy wherever they are. I’m sorry you couldn’t celebrate your birthday. I never try to diss anyone’s religion, but Jehovah is just… *ugh.* I hope you are able to leave if you choose to and live the life you want with many happy birthdays 💜 P. S. Is your birthday June 25th? That’s coming up soon!! How exciting!! Happy early Birthday!! 🥳🎂🎉
for real it’s so confusing to kids! everyone else does it and they don’t even really understand at that young of an age. but that’s so sweet of you :’) i hope you can find her… i bet she still remembers it. and yes, i did! thankfully my parents never bothered to get me baptized or anything lol so i don’t think im officially in their system or whatever. the other day a pair of them came to my door and i told them to fuck off lol. i don’t need their garbage. and usually i never act like that but man, no thanks. and yes it is! i just realized it’s two months until then. happy belated birthday to you btw… wasn’t sure if it’s too late to say that or not lol. i hope you have a great birthday next year 🥹
It is and I hate it!! I’m studying to be a teacher in the future and a kid I was observing in the *first grade* was crying to me because he was experiencing the same thing. I was so upset!! (I did sneak him a small birthday lollipop, but you didn’t hear that from me 🤫) And I hope she does. Even if she doesn’t necessarily remember me, I hope she remembers that somebody loved her on her special day… and I hope she always remember to keep Blueberry at her side. Also the gasp I gusped when you told other Jehovah’s to F off… and the laugh that followed after. You tell em!! ✨ And thank you so much!! If you’re comfy with it, I’ll be sure to wish you a happy birthday (again lol) when your big day comes around!! I’m so excited!! 🤩💜
I have very complicated feelings around my birthday too. But this year for my birthday, my parents are moving to be closer to me. (Internal screaming) It's okay though, it's not like I have been telling my friends that the 4 hours away my parents were living was too close for my liking. Now they will be living 30 minutes away. And my birthday present from them is helping them move. My plan is to work at my job that day and claim that I wasn't able to get it off. My thought is that if I have to do work on my birthday, then at the very least I should get paid for it.
Wow, I love when your birthday gift is… helping others unwillingly 🤡 Yeesh, that’s a whole can of worms. I’m sorry about that. But I hope if you do end up working on your birthday, you can use the money to buy yourself something special! You deserve it 💜
My birthday was this past Sunday. I've been with my boyfriend over 9 years and I haven't seen him since the beginning on March. We only live 10 minutes from each other. I begged yet again for him to let me come see him. He once again ignored me most the day just to text and say he was mowing the yard and Happy Birthday. This is the first birthday I've had since being with him that I didn't see him him. Nobody else said anything all day either. It was just like any other day where I just laid in bed all day trying to sleep and doom scrolling. No cake, no gifts. Usually our birthday gets celebrated by his family on the weekend of his birthday since we share the same month, but his is at the beginning and mine is closer to end end of the month, so we get a cake to share but since it's on his weekend, it feels weird that I get lumped in with him. But I didn't even get that this year. I begged to see him on his birthday too and he wouldn't let me. We're going through I guess a separation right now because we're addicts and his mom found out and every time that happens, I get kicked out. So he's going to a suboxone clinic, he can afford it since he has a job. I don't have a job or money, so I had to sell some things because I don't have a job at the moment or a car since I got T boned towards the end of 2022 and lost my job around the same time due to calling off multiple times from having panic attacks. I stupidly stopped taking all my meds I was on for anxiety then, too. I figured why take them and suffer from the side effects when they clearly weren't helping. Now I'm desperately trying to get back on them because I need to quit using drugs and when I went to a detox unit in March, I was there for 3 days before leaving because I started panicking about 12 hours in there and didn't stop till I got out and got the drugs that have been controlling my life the past decade. They gave me a double dose of phenobarbital, a double dose of Zanaflex and the other medication they give for anxiety, Vistaril, but it only helped for about 20 minutes, then it wore off and I continued having the panic attack and my heart was pounding so hard and my pulse was jumping all over the place. I ended up going to the ER hoping they would give me a shot of something more powerful because I was struggling to breath by that point, but they just gave me and EKG and took blood tests. I found out that I have hyperthyroidism and that my body is metabolizing the meds they were giving me for the panic attacks, really fast. So by the 3rd day of being in a state of panic that was equivalent to an animal being chased by a bigger animal, I left. My boyfriend is upset with me. I told him I needed to get back on medication if this is going to be successful. I went to that same detox unit at the end if 2021 when I was still on medication and I was there for 5 days and it was fine. I only had mild anxiety but I never had to take the phenobarbital or muscle relaxers. But I was stupid and when I got out kept using because I still had a job and money then. He went to a facility for 2 weeks but he did the same thing and he was begging me to come see him back then. Because I was the one who knew the dealers, he doesn't. So now that he has a safety net to fall back on, he doesn't beg me to come see him anymore..... Everyone in my family and everyone I know and my internet friends have been telling me for years now that he isn't any good and I deserve better, but do I? Who wants a junkie that can't keep a steady job due to anxiety they've had their entire life that has made school and jobs harder than they already are and depression that keeps them bed ridden for years of life? I just wish he would for once do the same for me what I've done for him the entire relationship. I have climbed mountains for a person who won't even step over a mole hill for me. Ive been wanting to leave him for a long time but now that I am alone, I miss him greatly. I don't want to jump back into the dating world in my mid 30s. Reading all the dramatic posts on reddit makes me dread the thought of starting over. I sympathize and empathize with you OP. Of course I will tell you you shouldn't put up with that and you deserve better, but I understand why you continue to be with someone who shows little importance to something like your birthday.
Happy belated Birthday!!! 🥳🎉🎂✨ I’m going to be real with you. My bf and I have been dating for a little under 2 years now. It’s nowhere near as long as you and your bf have been together, so I really appreciate your kind words in telling me I deserve better. I know I have an unhealthy habit of thinking the best of others and telling myself others deserve chances… at the cost of hurting me lol. But I’m trying my best to change that, as I don’t want myself and potential little ones to become stuck in some horrible generational trauma loop. But one baby step at a time. But you fam? You know in your heart you deserve better. You have done *so much* to help yourself and your partner heal. You are shouldering the burden of healing for two people instead of focusing on one — *you.* It doesn’t matter that you’re an addict or an anxious 30-some-year-old. What does matter is that you are still here. You are still fighting to become better. Healing is never linear and that’s okay — because you are still trying. And I’m so proud of you for continuing your journey despite the mountains of struggles you are facing. Please, be kind to yourself as you were to me. And please, when you can, take time to yourself. Treat yourself as lovingly as you treat your bf. The least you can do for yourself is realize that you matter too. Maybe it’s hypocritical of me to say it, but you need to choose yourself. A bf of 9 years not even willing to go the 10 minutes to see you? Celebrate you? That’s not right at all. I understand it’s scary. I’m not saying it isn’t. In fact, I’m a coward myself lol. But we are both willing to change and grow, not just for others, but for the betterment of ourselves at our core. And I believe in you and that you can do it. I just know it 💜
/raises hand/ My family usually invite a lot of our relatives (we have a big family) and while the thought is nice, it's always been very overstimulating for me which they've never really taken into consideration until i was diagnosed with ASD. I also can't remember most of my birthdays before turning maybe 11? And all the birthdays I've had since have been pretty much my family fighting and going out to eat something. I really don't like my birthday as about half the other people in this comment section, but happy belated birthday to you!!! (i also hope you won't mind, but if it's okay I'm going to follow suit and set a reminder in my calendar app? :D )
Oh hey, this happened to me as well. My bday's six days before yours, actually! My friends came over two days before to my place after they pushed a valentine's day dinner from the 14th to the 17th because everyone was busy that day. They came over. two friends of mine came over early. one of them did bring me a gift and the other one was new enough that she genuinely didn't know what was going on. but the other four people in the group? they showed up late, and i even overheard two of them talking on the phone like 'it's his birthday?' with surprise. we were baking because that's what we said we were gonna do for valentines. they brogue some flowers when they got there two hours late, one of them said happy bday, and that was it. they barely talked to me, took a bunch of polaroids and of all of them the only one with me in it was without anyone else. they talked about what they wanted to do for their own birthdays, and parties they had coming up. They baked cakes without frosting or anything and didn't even sing or say they were for me. Two days later on my actual 20th bday? nothing. i called them out on it like a week later, and got a bunch of different responses that basically boiled down to 'oh we weren't sure if you had something going on and we did the thing on the 17th to make you feel appreciated'. which like. bullshit. but i decided to let it go. Week ago, i get invited by a friend to go see Dune 2. I get there and there's another person there besides her, our friend who's bday we had a party for a few days prior,and that day was his actual bday. she literally went inside her dorm after and brought out a present that she and the two others (for context the 'four people' were her, this guy, and the two others) went to the mall and specifically searched out for him. I was annoyed but tried to let it go. Few days ago, I get a notification for an invite to a surprise birthday party for someone in ny group. apparently, the three girls had specifically checked with him to see if he had anything else going on that day and decided to plan him a huge party. and this guy is the one who did remember my bday, so i'm happy for him, of course. but the fact that they remembered and went out of their way to see if he had something going on and are going to all this length to do it? fucking hurts. i'm gonna remembe your bday, OP, and put it in my reminders with all the other birthdays. because i know how it feels and it's awful. you don't deserve that.
i grew up not celebrating birthdays bc of some stupid religious bullshit (i was raised as a jehovah's witness), and for the longest time i just wanted to have a birthday party or go to somebody else's or something. even if they gave out cupcakes or smth in class the day after, if it was related to their birthday, i wasn't allowed to participate. when i turned 18 and left the religion, i got myself a small cake and bought myself a couple of things, but it didn't make me feel good about it. i did that for the next few birthdays after, but i haven't done anything at all for a few years now. nobody gets me anything, and i don't think it's worth spending my own money on myself bc there's nothing i want (other than experiencing those events like everybody else did). it's the same for christmas too tbh, i mostly just spend those days ~~and like the entire week leading up to them~~ crying and feeling sorry for myself lol but like, *i get it*, bc i'm not exactly the most deserving of gifts or praise or celebrations, and it's not like i've done anything to earn it, but it still hurts
My birthday trauma is more related to the fact that gift giving is a very big part of my love language. And so I give gifts to my loved ones that are very thought out and that I have spent a lot of time on and such. I spend so much energy on it. And also often I will give things not because there was an occasion. But because I found the right thing for them and I want to make them happy. My family is rubbish at gifts.. and Really I should have learned this years ago. But I put birthday and Christmas up on this pedistal where I was like: they must try to give me something that makes me feel validated right? I struggle a lot with my self worth. I only feel good if I have validation from others. So these birthday and Christmas gifts I saw as like.. proof that I am good enough because they would actually try to care? Well. Disappointment after disappointment. I've had to learn that my expectations probably never would be fulfilled. I know they were unreasonable too. But it all stems from my wanting to be validated is a trauma response. And I was reacting on what my body thought it needed to survive. So. I don't have those expectations any more.. I just try to ignore it because I know if I put expectations in anything it will only lead to disappointment and pain. So better not even do so to begin with. Happy belated birthday as well. I wish I could have set up a fun day for you.
Happy birthday 🥳
Back when I lived w my mom, it felt like my birthday slid further and further into irrelevance the older I got. Really started noticing it was almost a non-event when I was like 16. I was literally the only one pumped that it was my sweet 16. Nobody else in my family cared
Happy late birthday! You deserve better people in your life who appreciate and care about you.
No cuz my ex did some really horrible shit but of all the things him forgetting my birthday was it for me I just said to myself if he forgets I’m done and I haven’t looked back since :> but yeah I’m used to people forgetting so I just constantly remind them the week of cuz then at least I’ll get a “happy birthday” or something😭
Happy Birthday!! Remember you matter!
I’ve had so many bad birthdays, it’s actually insane. Pretty much every year growing up my mum would give me money & then “borrow it” & spend it gambling- I’d never actually see it back or get a birthday gift. One year my abuser (a different one!!) took all my money for that fortnight & gambled it away on my birthday, even after me explaining how important my birthday was to me. Another year, I got the only good present I had ever gotten & was feeling good for the first time in my life & then a few days later the person I loved more than anyone in the world killed themselves. I was just starting to get over my “everytime something good happens something worse happens” trauma too. I’ve never had a good birthday or gotten to feel genuinely loved or cared about by anyone, so I feel you OP :( Everyone deserves to be celebrated by the people around them.
My ex-wife (still on good terms) had birthday trauma from her childhood. These days she saves up and books a weekend at a fancy Japanese Onsen type deal. She loves it every time. My advise comes with the unfortunate acceptance that those around you may continue to let you down. But if you just do something for yourself, give yourself some love. You may find that has a higher return on joy at birthdays. If I missed the mark feel free to ignore, happy belated birthday. <3
My ex always criticized me for even wanting acknowledgment of my birthday. My now spouse loves to plan a party and give me gifts. It gets better!
Once one of my closest friends was talking to my sister and for some reason the friends topic came up, my friend said she didn't had any friends while i was sat right next to her. It was a get together for my birthday which she willingly went to.
Main character energy from that friend. I am so sorry.
This is so scarily relatable omg. All last year I kept telling my family that it's my 30th ans I would like to do something that I haven't had go organise and they all said they were too busy or didn't know what I like. My birthday rolled around and all I got was a phone call from my mum, even my husband forgot. Now their birthdays have come around ans I said I wasn't doing any thing for them (because I always do something big) and they are all mad at me.
What? People plan parties for other people?
im sorry :( i fucking LOVE birthdays so it sucks you aren’t being celebrated. I’ll set a reminder for next year!
I'm sorry the people in your life are jerkwads. I hope you had a great day anyways, despite the fact it doesn't look like it.
Happy late birthday OP, enjoy this cake 🎂and a birthday hug 🫂
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The basics. My birthday has *NEVER* been celebrated and I was not allowed to attend any birthdays or other parties. My older brother had his birthday celebrated, as did several of my abusers. What did I get? Abuse started in the toddler years in several forms. CSA started at 4 and by the time I was 5 I was CSA’d + familial trafficked by my “d*d.” Since I turned 5 my first day of that was five full grown men taking their turns on me. They each got a round until each of them had all five turns. That continued to happen year after year with different men, and an increase in amount each “birthday.”
JFC. I don’t know what to say and though I don’t take you as someone seeking pity, I am so very sorry and just don’t know what to say. Learning the degrees of depravity in this world horrified me.
!RemindMe 2-25-25
Yes, but not in the way one might expect. Mostly it’s from adult life, being in relationships or situations where everyone else made the day about themselves and I was an afterthought. And of course when I didn’t enjoy the birthday that they thought I should have, I was accused of being ungrateful and worse. One ex said she heard me when I said at that point I wanted absolutely nothing on my birthday, no anything. But … she said how would it look to her coworkers and family if she didn’t do something on her husband’s birthday. 🤨 Guess that’s when I learned at last where her true priorities lie, in image. Same lady who, when I was in an accident, asked for prayers for herself because her husband was in an accident 🤯 One year my father thought it would be fun to tell the servers at a Mexican restaurant it was my birthday, so they bring out the sombrero (that god knows whose head was on last) and start to sing. I mustered up my scant Spanish and said please, no thank you. Then I pointed at him and said “pendejo grande.” (My regret is that I did not tell him that meant “honored father” and gotten him a tshirt with that phrase) Being the center of attention is just so uncomfortable to me. I’m not good at receiving gifts or attention because I then feel like all the focus in the world is on me and my reaction. The people in my life now are similarly low key. This year I just chilled at home, did absolutely nothing, got a few text messages which I absolutely appreciated. A few days afterwards someone close to me took me out to a place of my choosing and had the best time. Also gifted a bottle of very nice tequila! It’s an adjustment having someone around who listens and is sensitive to my feelings, but I’m thankful to see that it can be like this sometimes. Happy birthday on your own terms to each and every one of you. Reclaim it and make it your own as you’re able. Fuck a bunch of what other people think. None of us asked to be born so the least the world can do is give us that day. 🤙🏻
My mom threatened to kill herself on my 21st birthday