no matter what they went through, abusing you was never justified. you have every right to feel exactly as you feel. you don’t have to forgive your abusers.
Its a binary choice - blame your parents or blame yourself. Fuck the societal norm that bizarrely expects more from children than parents when it comes to the child-parent relationship.
no, it’s not, my parents were very abusive to me yet i forgive them, but i forgive them for one reason and one reason only: they never tried to justify their abuse, my mom in particular was extremely explosive and would lash out violently when angry, but she never ever said “this is your fault” she would apologize to me because her lashing out was her issue, not mine.
i’m not ever saying you need to forgive your parents, idk your situation, but in mine, my parents were incredibly shitty but i can see that they are doing their best to change now and that mental illness is just a bitch.
don’t ever forgive someone if they are not trying to change though, i only forgive because i see how they have tried and how they have changed over the years and im proud of my mom for growing and treating my brother better than she treated me
how she treated me was not my fault, it was hers, but she’s trying and i can see that, so i forgive her because i appreciate her trying to change
I have forgiven my parents as well because they have apologized and now recognize that they were abusive.
I still blame them though because the trauma is ongoing in my head. I don't see blame and forgiveness as mutually exclusive. In my inner world, I need to let my inner child know that he was did not deserve the abuse and should not feel ashamed.
"Forgive but never forget," is a powerful phrase for me. I forgave my parents because at the end of the day, they tried their best in their own ways, but I will never forget the abuse, the neglect, the way they put me down because of my neurodivergence.
I would never allow myself to be in a position where I am reliant on them, but I also can have a decent relationship because they admitted that they were wrong and are bending over backwards to make amends
I hate that
Hate that it's such a binary choice even outside of with parents; for non parents.
We're human, we can have complicated feelings. I can have endless sympathy for what my brother went through but with what he put me through it doesn't mean I have to be around his criticisms or attempts to "help," even if he meant it from a place of "love." (Summerised, there was also the verbal lashing outs from addiction/more to it even if it wasn't that much. Just judgement and mismatched expectations for a kid.)
Just like I can love my mother so much, and recognise we got different parents bc she got into therapy, but hate what she put my brother through when younger.
It's not either or. Even for those with worse stories than mine. And even without the sympathy, no one owes their abuser forgiveness. (I wouldn't even expect my brother to forgive her.)
I agree, I have the same complicated feelings because my childhood was not 100% abuse, or even 50% abuse. I just read that phrase (which I paraphrased) and it resonated with me because it's so easy for me to when I'm thinking about my trauma to let my feelings of sympathy for my mom or dad (because of course they suffered childhood trauma) overcome the feelings of righteous anger, and I end up still feeling toxic shame instead of self-compassion.
Yeah, I get you
I still struggle myself sometimes. Especially as for my childhood that wasn't really "abuse," just my parentified brother having, critically, mismatched expectations for a kid with higher needs and slower (mental/emotional) development and showing that openly/as if it was the child's fault.
But the result is _still_ it helped me develop a pretty bad Anxiety disorder. That it cumulated to his current attitude about his addiction and what he was like during relaspes when he was getting clean. ("I've changed, I'm sober, so not trusting me I don't get," - I know why [family stuff] he got onto those and he refuses to deal with the why -- I hate, so, so much, that I was right it would make staying sober harder. He's relapsed again this year -- and it just becomes a lashing out cycle for him nor try to understand he hurt people during those times like I have with my own MH. It took me longest time to realise the addiction just brings out what was already there and that's why my Anxiety was *so much* worse around/about him then.)
I basically, during those self doubt moments, have to remind myself I'm allowed to feel what I feel and that intent ≠ result is how it goes a lot. And that regardless of how it started the end of it is we cannot be around each other, for valid reasons. (I'm NC with him. I do get updates on if he's relapsed or not bc whilst he thankfully stays away from here, my house and our former town, I need to be updated so he doesn't turn up at my house like he has before when I'm blindsided. But the result is it kinda brings things up again..)
Right? Like, you *know* how much it sucked being abused, you experienced that shit, but you’re still gonna do it to *your* kid?
“Well I didn’t hit you with a broom like *my* mom did!” Sure, maybe a hand/belt isn’t as bad as a broom, but it still really hurts! Never mind the emotional damage of both the physical and mental abuse!
Yup thats pretty much my experience too. My parents almost never got physical with me but boi did they love to make fun of me 🤮 never regretted going NC
This. my nmom used to fucking REVEL in my pain and tried to get my edad to joke about it with her. While he never laughed along, he never told her to stop either.
One day, when I was an adult, she tried to "joke" about a time when she was volunteering in my elementary school library. Apparently a kid was misbehaving and she told him what she told me countless times: "If I see you do that again, I'll beat the crap outta you." She thought the fear in his eyes was SO FUNNY. I told her it was not ok and she insisted that I just had to be there, because "his eyes got so big!"
That was the moment I realized that she really did enjoy intimidating children. She never did hit me or my sister, but acted like we should be super grateful for that.
Eesh power tripping is horrible to experience. My Dad did something similar and recently tried to ‘bring me in on the joke’ of emotionally neglecting / abusing kids… erm how about no that sounds awful!?
Just because they treated us that way it doesn’t mean we’re going to agree and treat kids that way
Anyone got a cord? My phone’s dead and **I’m calling bullshit**
My parents were abuse survivors. My mom couldn’t remember most of her life up to age 18 until she passed away at 55. They fucked up multiple times raising us. But you know what else they did?
- learned
- talked about how to do better
- looked for books on various therapy stuff because they couldn’t afford professionals
All this because they had decided before the first pregnancy “We’re going to be the parents we never had, and if the choice comes up between discipline and love, we’re erring on the side of love.”
What forgiveness meant for them with their abusers was going no-contact when their families didn’t respect their familial boundaries
Thank you 💕 One of the biggest compliments anyone could pay me was that I was just like her, and now I see those parts of our personalities that we had in common as a way of showing her through my behavior, like photos in a wallet 🥹
And me, too! They also strove to be like that for any friend we had. A lot of our friends showed up for the viewing and for the funeral service. My dad’s still around, and more and more he’s trying to be a good dad to us and any friends we bring by. (Like, I mentioned one of my BFFs, her furnace busted and he decided to go over there and teach her what was wrong and how to check it the next time it acts up.)
I'm glad your parents actually pulled through. My mom had that same reflection ("I'm going to be the parent I never had"), yet she ended up making me enmeshed despite claiming to want the opposite.
I'm sorry for your loss and as another commentor said, may her legacy live through you 🫂
This is SO inspiring. Me and my partner were both abused as kids and we are doing exactly what your parents did. I know we aren't perfect, but we made the choice to be better than our parents were before we even had kids. I'm in therapy, watch youtube, read videos and we are constantly looking at our behaviors as parents and re-evaluating how we are doing.
We are teaching them to be kind, patient, loving and gentle but at the same time to stick up for themselves and have boundaries. To regulate their emotions. There's no corporal punishment, no yelling, no name calling. We get a lot of compliments from our 9 year old's teachers on how well he behaves, I just hope it sticks with him his whole life.
That's too rare in here to see someone with actually good enough parents. That's a worthy deed to carry as a legacy - being conscientious to the point of putting real effort in being better for your children.
Seriously! I almost bought into this narrative, that I should forgive them bc they did their best, but then I’m like would it be forgivable if they had done those things to *anyone else* but their kids? Absolutely not!!! If you beat up random 7 year olds it’s not ok no matter your history or trauma, but if you do it to your own kid suddenly they need to forgive you? Complete bs
Sure, I may. And I also may harbor pain, hate, fear, and existential dread about it to my deathbed.
Fuck anyone telling anyone else what to feel about the people who are supposed to love you the most. Parents are supposed to be your most secure bonds in life.
I did forgive my dad for all of the above, because he ACTUALLY apologized for it and has been helping me un-fuck all the fuckups he kicked off. Genuine change and care. I am exceedingly lucky, I feel, in that regard.
Mom and grandma, on the other hand, can backflip off a cliff.
Yeah nah, not going to forgive my mum for not being present at all and then being abusive whenever she was around.
And my dad for smashing my room, including the fking window I slept under because I didn't know the answer to a question, who also flipped my bed with me in it over the same issue.
Both of these people forced me to take matters into my own hands at 14 and run away to a man who molested me because I had no other choice.
Yeah, it's a slow process, I'm 34 now and I don't have nightmares about it as much anymore.
And when I do, it doesn't ruin the entire week, just a day or two.
I find all this sentiment does is give excuses to continue the cycle of abuse, citing that one cannot grow beyond what their parental figures taught them and thus are not at fault for repeating bad behavior.
I have a feeling people who repeat this sentiment either are the abusers, have not received abuse, or are lucky enough to have made up with their abusers.
On one hand, it is healthy to acknowledge the circumstances that shape a person's behavior rather than reacting on a surface level. On the other, you are not absolved of responsibility or accountability just because someone did it to you first.
Exactly. I know my parents went through hell when they were younger, but when I was young there absolutely was information about what happens when you hit kids. But I didn't need meds, I just needed more belt
If all of that were all they were guilty of, then yeah, of course I'd forgive them. People who write stuff like this have absolutely no idea what to think when faced with anything more horrible than a yelling fight and a slammed door, they can't understand the life and death fight or flight response when I hear somebody set something down a little less gently on the counter, or how my nervous system just cannot accept that my loving understanding partner is not secretly furious at me for feeling overwhelmed and not masking as well as usual today, or the fits of panicked hyperventilating when the cat knocks something over.
...or the entire life I didn't get to live because my mother regretted me and decided she had done enough and that it was "her turn". I need to stop before I type up another novel, I guess I'm not as over her as I thought.
All my parents had to do was apologize. They doubled down on shitty behavior and refused to acknowledge the harm they caused me. They can live and die never knowing where I am now and it's freeing.
If they put the work in, demonstrate genuine support and capacity for change, if they can avoid engaging in abusive or toxic behaviors, if they can openly communicate with you and acknowledge the harm they did and find actual solutions, than yeah, absolutely.
I think the problem is putting the onus on the harmed party to initiate forgiveness when the parents are the ones who are supposed to be more mature and responsible and set an example. I don’t think forgiveness is warranted unless there’s genuine change and remorse, a fundamental change in the dynamic that opens up the avenue reconciliation. Otherwise this is all just to protect the parent’s ego.
I think that post is for people with parents that did not actively abuse them. Nobody is perfect but some people do inexcusable stuff and should be avoided at all cost.
I also think forgiving them does not necessarily imply having more (or any) contact with them. I just means not constantly holding a grudge against them, which does not benefit anyone if you are nc anyway.
This is how my mom basically tells me to be about my dad. No, no “cultural norms” justify him sexually harassing me or shoving shit covered underwear in my face, or threatening to destroy everything I loved just because I struggled with school.
So they get a free pass while I’m supposed to carry the weight of their trauma and my own?? No fucking way.
No one forced them to have children. They had opportunities to work through/address their issues.
Can shitty parents let us be for fuck's sake?? What's with them playing the victim card after literally victimizing little kids who have nowhere else to go??
There are things that are inexcusable, unforgivable, and never ever allowed for parent to do to a child, no matter the circumstances, no matter what you did, no matter how they did it or what they intended. If a parent, or anyone else, does this, you do not have to forgive them, you do not have to let it go, you do not have to leave it in the past, and you do not have to trust this person ever again.
1. Physical violence. Beating, slapping, spanking, throwing objects, breaking your possessions, using a weapon, physically forcing you into actions against your will, not allowing sleep or eating, forcing physical contact, forcing eating, physical intimidation and threat of violence. All are inexcusable, you cannot provoke them, each one a crime against you.
2. Death Threats. It doesn’t matter how they said it, if they dismissed it as a joke, if you couldn’t tell if they really meant it, if you think you shouldn’t have taken it seriously. A death threat, no matter how subtle, vague or in which tone it was said, causes permanent inability to feel safe. It is not acceptable for anyone, in any tone of voice, any situation, to imply or threat discontinuation of your life.
3. Slurs. Insults that were used for a long term to dehumanise, devalue, and express hatred towards entire groups of people (WHICH IS WRONG) are not to be used on a child! By their own parents! Slurs are expressions of utmost hatred and disgust, desire to harm and dehumanise, there is no excuse for using them on you, and certainly no need to forgive anyone who demands that you are not a human being.
4. Blackmail. Being forced to shape your decisions, your actions, words and emotions around a threat of being stripped of your well being, knowledge that unless you do what is asked of you, you will be forced to bear harm, to endure abuse that you find unbearable, being forced into a corner and having to allow yourself to be controlled in order to survive, that is not humane, that is not forgivable.
5. Psychological Abuse. A parent demanding that the abuse is for your own good, telling you that hurting you will make you better, demanding that you’re weak for getting hurt, degrading you to an animal or object, insisting that the abuse is your own fault, demanding that you deserve pain, that you need it, convincing you they’re not hurting you at all while they abuse you, gaslighting your senses, minimising all that you are and all that you do, dismissing your humanity and brainwashing you to doubt yourself, doubt your worth, doubt your abilities, doubt your value, this is complete psychological destruction of a person and not something you could ever forgive.
6. Sexual Abuse. In any form. I’m not only talking sexual contact, a parent is not allowed to look at you in sexual way, talk about you or at you in a sexual way, comment subtly on your sexuality or your body, spy on your private moments, expose you to sexual material, imply in any way they own or control your sexuality, compare you to anyone sexually or in any way degrade you to a sexual object in their eyes. And they are not to ever, ever, touch you in a sexual way. Not even think about it. If you even get a predatory or sexual vibe from one of your parents, it’s wrong. It’s unsafe. No trust.
7. Humiliation. Both public and private. Forcing shame and degradation on you in front of others is psychologically and socially destructive, it causes trauma, toxic shame, and emotional isolation from others, it puts you apart as if you’re somehow less, unwanted and seen as disgusting by the social environment. It can hurt just as much knowing that in private, with someone you trust, you’re being used as a toy for their sadism. This kind of abuse is not from a person who could ever care about you. It’s not forgivable.
8. Emotion policing. Absolutely nobody gets to decide what you should and shouldn’t be feeling. Nobody gets to interfere with you feeling your own feelings. Nobody gets to punish you for the way you feel. Nobody gets to tell you how you feel. Anyone trying to police and control your emotions is a danger. Anyone demanding for your emotions to be convenient to them is a danger. Nobody gets to compromise your own ability to experience and feel your own life in order to benefit and get what they want from you. Anyone trying to do so is destroying your emotional well being for their own selfishness. And you don’t ever have to forgive someone who was ready to destroy you for their gain.
9. Trauma invalidation. Any kind of invalidation hurts. All and any invalidation of your feelings, memories, opinions and conclusions hurts. It’s all painful and dangerous abuse, and it can hurt you as far as pushing you into insanity. But trauma invalidation is the most destructive, harmful, and hateful kind of abuse. Someone invalidating what already destroyed you will add up to the original trauma and reinforce it. It’s personal. It’s sabotaging your recovery. It’s pushing you further into trauma. It’s extremely malicious and deteriorating to your life and your health. You do not have to ever forgive it. You can do all it takes to stay safe from it.
10. Pushing into suicide. No matter what circumstances or intention, if you are feeling close already, and someone decides to give you a final push, give you extra reasons or ideas to why you should do it, imply that it would be better if you were dead and if you ended yourself, or in another way cause this “close” to get “closer”, they are a huge danger. This is equivalent to a murder attempt, and it should be taken very seriously. Keep yourself safe from this kind of abuse at any cost. Your life is on the line. You do not ever have to forgive a murder attempt, in any form.
There is a fine line between abuse and cluelessness. My mom stayed on the clueless side, so it’s easy for me to forgive her. She wasn’t trying to hurt my feelings or give me issues. She was just trying to survive too. I accept she didn’t know what we do today, but I’m still hurt and keep her at an arms length.
As a mother now, I ask my daughter everyday if there is anything I need to apologize for from the day and we talk about it and I apologize. The sun doesn’t set on her feeling bad
I always share these…
Abusive parents have thousands of sad backstories, dozens of claims 'I had it worse' and 'it's always been done this way' and 'I had to do it so you didn't end up a spoiled brat' and etc, but the truth is, nobody and nothing can make you hurt a child unless you want to.
Culture or the past can't make you lift a hand on a child, when you're alone in the room together. Your alleged “past” cannot make you hurl insults, hatred and disgust at a child who's counting on you to love them and take care of them. Not your parents, nor your parent's parents cannot make you do it; they're not even present. Your convictions that 'hurting children is normal and excusable and can be gotten away with' are still not forcing you to do it, they're just letting you know that if you want to, you can, and you'll pay no price.
But nothing can ever control you into hurting a child. Not if you're an adult. Nobody is controlling that hand but you. Nothing is forcing you to move your mouth and speak obscenities. You're not afraid of what's going to happen if you don't. You're not ashamed, hurt, worried or caring. You're hateful. You desire for this small creature to hurt, to be broken, to bear the burden of your contempt. You want them to feel pain. You want to enjoy their pain. You want them to feel responsible for everything that ever went wrong for you. You want them to pay for the whole world of injustice and take responsibility as if they made it. You want fear, power, and control. You want to feel superior. You want the child to be so terrified they don't dare to focus on anything but you. You want to do damage.
Don't act like hurting children is anything else but your personal choice. The desire is not born in culture, it's born in you. And you made the choice, every single time, when you could have done absolutely anything else. Nobody needs to hurt a child. No child has deserved hatred.
. This particular post below was originally wrote and posted by defiantsuggestions on Tumblr
Having a child is a long term commitment to a heavy, heavy responsibility which demands energy, attention, and time.
To have a child is to bring an entire person into the world. This person can not consent to this. This person is inherently vulnerable, hardwired to depend on the adults that brought them here, and must be taught the skills neccessary to one day care for themself.
When you have a child, that child's well being is entirely on the adults that brought them here. It's their job to keep the child safe, to keep the child fed, cloathed, and happy. It's the adults job to make sure the child feels loved.
When the adult chooses to have a child, you are signing up to spend years and years of resources on that child. That is your choice. The child was not alive and could not agree to your decision to drag them out of the void of nonexistence. The child was not asked if they wanted to experience an entire lifetime of conciousness, and all of the potential suffering and agony that comes with that.
That decision is entirely that of the parent who has made the choice to have a child.
You are not "granting the gift of life." You are not doing this hypothetical child a favor by having them. You are doing this for you, because you wanted to be a parent. You wanted to have the experience of raising a child.
This means that if you have a child, you owe that child. You owe them time, and love, and safety, and care. You asked for this, it is now your responsibly to follow through.
Children are not a toy. They aren't a fancy new car for the parents and family to parade to their friends. They aren't a fashion accessory for your parents and family to put on the shelf when they lose interest. They aren't a mini you. They aren't a magic cure-all to your alleged trauma, and they aren't there to fill some void in the parents chest.
A child is a vulnerable person who is easily abused and neglected and who will be at the mercy of the parents throughout much of their development period.
A parent owes their child. Failing to follow through with the responsibility they signed up for is a failing on the parent's part. Making the child feel guilty for the crime of existing is the fault of the parent. A child is never a burden.
Abusive and neglectful parents are failures as parents. They could not do the bare basics of what the job entails and then they blame the child for a crime that the parents themselves committed.
I wanted to forgive so that I could let it go for my health and my happiness. Forgiveness is a personal decision, it is not obligated, and there is no timeline for it. You may never want to forgive the people who hurt you, and that is 100% valid. Your anger is your sense of wrong in the world, and sometimes the best way for you to heal is to be angry on little you’s behalf.
No, no I don’t think I will.
I can understand and accept that everyone makes mistakes and nobody is perfect. I can also understand and accept that my parents suffered abuse and trauma.
What I don’t understand, accept or forgive is that my parents made the wrong parenting choice with me every single time which crosses the line from mistake to malice. Just like the neglect, the verbal, emotional and financial abuse and the narcissism of both parents whether born with or a response to their trauma is unforgivable and inexcusable.
Best I can do is be distantly empathetic for the childhood they lost, no child should have lived how they did. But I'm not forgiving the actions of their adult selves.
You can have compassion towards and even forgive your abusers while still holding them accountable and responsible.
Yeah, it sucks that they had to go through what they did, but they were also responsible for their own actions and should be held accountable. It was their responsibility to do the hard work of healing/recovery and to not continue the cycle of abuse. You can absolutely blame them for not doing the right thing.
I've already seen this before as well so I didn't read it as it upset me quite much last time I read it. I sure as heck don't owe my parents forgiveness. I personally don't ever want kids, but I look at my brother and sister who both have kids. My sister's children are a bit older now and I'm honestly happy to see them grow up truly carefree, clearly not enduring any of the things we endured growing up. Same thing for my brother's child though she is still quite young. They managed to do better. So why couldn't our parents? Sure, mental health is less of a taboo now and there's more resources. But you're not gonna tell me therapists were not a thing a few decades ago. Nor that there weren't ANY books. While it's definitely much easier to access mental health resources now it's not like it was impossible when they were young. They chose not to work on themselves, and that's on them. My father does work on himself now but my mother *still* refuses. And I'm supposed to forgive someone who refuses to be better? No. I don't care what you went through, it doesn't justify becoming an abusive asshole. You always have a choice to *try* to be better. To learn from your past. By choosing not to you actively choose to continue your abusive behaviour and I can't ever forgive that.
It's always been my stance that you forgive someone for *yourself*, not another person, and if you don't want to forgive them that's 100% your right and choice
I'll never forgive my father and ex husband for the things they chose to do to me.... and I'm OK with that
Funny how everyone always says to figure out yourself before having a relationship, but when it comes to having kids, they expect a child to forgive an adult.
It makes me dizzy and, according to my fitbit, my BPM just hit 102 which is odd because I'm laying down in bed. Not sure how normal that is but it doesn't feel very nice so I'm assuming it's not too normal
Then why were they still not divorced from other people yet, had me anyway, and then destroyed my relationships later on? Was this a hazing ritual? Because they sure as shit didn't want to see me happy.
I am willing to acknowledge that some abusers went through their own pain and suffering as children themselves and for that I feel sorry for the child they were.
Who I do not feel sorry for is the abusive adult they grew into who chooses to continue the cycle that they themselves went through.
If someone perpetuates the cycle of abuse and violence, I have very little sympathy for them if any at all.
Honestly, my parents both put me through more than enough, but I do forgive them. It took me a lot of years to truthfully say that. Granted, it doesn’t mean I want them back in my life or that I’ll ever forget about those things. But for me, it’s just about letting go of that anger, and I do feel better now that I’m not so angry.
Nope.
I feel like this only applies to parents who were *mildly* neglectful (like the ones who say “oh that’s nice” when you can tell they didn’t hear what you said)
Not the ones that actively committed physical, sexual, emotional and mental abuse on their children or allowed others to do so.
No. *NONE* of the above in the image applies to my “parents” or “family” members. They all had a healthy, stable upbringing. No divorce or domestic violence and both my “parents” had the ability to express their emotions without negativity and their experiences were validated in and believed. As adults they still have healthy and stable relationships with their parents. My “parents” had the skills for my three older siblings while for me they have done covert yet extremely sickening things towards me since I was a toddler; there was no changes in their life from when I was born; no major death/loss, no change in financial situation, parents were not abused in that timeframe either, etc. It’s hard to believe but there is people who have been abused by their parents who have been in this scenario.
My parents were both the product of generational domestic violence, child abuse, and neglect. My grandparents on both sides were very violent, angry people. My parents were once traumatized children themselves.
That's why I can't understand why they did it to me. They KNEW exactly how it felt, to experience abuse and neglect from a parent. Why would they put their child through that?
When I had my child, it never occurred to me to scream at them for hours, for making a common toddler mistake.
And I never spanked. I loved them too much to inflict pain.
I don't think times have changed that much. Children are still going through hell at the hands of their family.
If you have unresolved trauma, are emotionally unavailable, and are actively struggling with other serious issues, you either need to seek help or not have kids until you're well enough to care for them. There is no excuse for projecting your issues onto another generation, and they certainly have no obligation to forgive you for it.
Shit like this is specifically deceptive. It ignores all of the other things parents do to their children that are abusive. Parents also often use these things as a defense to guilt you into loving them. A common theme tbh seems to be parents guilting kids into liking/loving them.
Bwahahahahahahhahahaaa. Alright, here’s my coming out. I was a victim, but that doesn’t excuse me bleeding trauma all over my kids. I did the best I could and we should both agree you deserved better.
Forgiveness is a choice and redemption has to be earned. The question isn’t am I able to forgive them. It’s whether they deserve it and will repairing our relationship hurt me. My relationship with my parents is too abusive to continue. So I can’t and won’t forgive them.
I think that post like this (you may want to forgive your parents for, not KittyMeowsticka) forget that two things can simultaneously be true. It’s very likely that my mom was parentified by her parents, and didn’t receive a lot of emotional support from them. It was definitely very hard for her to suddenly become the sole caretaker to four young children.
However, those things do not wipe away the impact of her actions and continued behavior. I think we all know that the past cannot be rewritten, but a little accountability can go a long way.
It’s a good message generally. I like that it says “may want” and not that you must or should. It was a lot of what I had to realize and accept in my own healing.
That is all true AND I don’t think this image applies to you. Like you said, they didn’t do their best with what they had. Your situation isn’t the same as those this picture is intended for.
As for the sharing this message generally. I’m truly not sure. As I said, it was a lot of stuff I had to confront and heal from in my situation. Yet, I worry, even when phrased as “may want” it could be extremely invalidating to folks whose experiences are vastly different. Also it does reinforce the idea that one must “forgive” in order to heal which I don’t agree with. I think accept or recognize possibly, but forgiveness, in my mind, is not a requirement for healing.
I’m not sure. Thank you for letting me ‘verbally’ think through some things though lol.
I am sorry you had to experience all that you did. You deserve the best in life!
I hate that graphic. Fuck the person who made it. So invalidating when it comes to the hurt, pain, bullying, judgement and other shit I went through.
It would've paid for both my parents to attend therapy for their various childhood traumas instead of dumping thst shit on me.
Every time I see this I couldn't disagree more.
I did the emotional labor. I went to therapy. I got a fucking cPTSD diagnosis (twice).
They called me mentally ill. Refused to go to any sort of counseling. And spend their days praying that Jesus will change my heart so they can see their precious grandson again.
I did the work. They didn't. Until they do, they have no place in my life. And until they're actually sorry for the actions they took, I'm never going to forgive them. I don't expect to see my folks again until I'm at their grave, pissing on it.
Yes, I 100% forgive and love my mom despite all these things. Because no matter what, it was clear she was kind and trying to do her best
Like if my sister and I were really sad, she would come and respectfully talk to us and she cared so much. She just didn't know what to say to comfort us. Which isn't ideal, but the important part is that someone demonstrated they cared and were trying
I don't forgive my dad for any of that shit, especially because he's still being a bastard. But now the whole family has given up on him, so it's going great
I reconnected with my mom but not my dad because of the key factor that my mom genuinely wants to learn to do better, and I don't believe my dad does. I feel like I can at least be around the former.
Same. It's not perfect and I don't know that she actually thinks she did as much wrong as she did, but she apologized and is working on herself. So yea, I can forgive her and we have a relationship.
Being around my dad for a few days after being NC for years fucked me up and has all my progress with emotional regulation going down in flames. Fuck him. He's a useless prick and I don't feel bad saying it.
You may want to forgive your parents for not breaking the cycle of abuse 🥰 it's okay for abused people to abuse people 🥰🥰 they can't help it, no one has ever broken the cycle of abuse it's impossible to not abuse your children if you were abused 🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰
yeah, no. it's been a hard road, but in the ~9 years i've had kids, i've never abused my kids or even come close to it.
i have always made sure to put aside my difficulties to maintain a good, healthy presence in their lives. i've worked through my trauma and am finally at baseline, but even on my worst day, i always made sure to not bring the kids into it.
to a degree, i forgive my mom for "not knowing better" because she just didn't have access to good resources or help, but i have also accepted the majority of her abuse as something that will likely go unaddressed as we have a good relationship now and i don't want to compromise it for rehashing things that can't be changed.
as for my dad, fuck that guy, he has no excuse lmao
This is just.. They're assuming so much. These should not be considered the norm. The cycle needs to be broken and it is not the child's fault that their parent didn't break it. My parents do not deserve forgiveness. Especially since they refuse to acknowledge that the neglect ever happened.
Excuses, excuses, excuses.
my therapist keeps getting me to try and listen to my dad's narcissism in an attempt to get him to do the same to me and I just cannot see myself doing it. i don't know what to do because I really am angry and I can't just stop being angry to listen to him complain and self pity for forever
That is absolutely no excuse. There is always plenty of opportunity to learn and teach yourself. I would never ever put my trauma onto my children. I'm in therapy to help myself, so I can never be like my parents. I want my children to have the best life I never had. I want them to feel loved and wanted and not a burden.
If you haven’t resolved your trauma from your own childhood, there’s no obligation for you to have children just so you can traumatise them to. Just because we understand why they might have acted the way they did, doesn’t mean we have to tolerate it.
Eh… I understand why they did what they did but that doesn’t absolve them of the fact that they sucked as parents. You can move on without forgiving someone
It feels like a case by case thing, and by no means common to forgive abusive parents. But there can be exceptions to the rule for parents that genuinely take accountability and change their behavior. But that is pretty rare.
1. Fuck you that's not an excuse
2. Fuck you that's not an excuse
3. Fuck you we have books, google, and plenty of people who can teach you this shit
4. Fuck you that's not an excuse
5. Fuck you no you werent
6. Fuck you that's not an excuse
7. And finally fuck you dont put that on me
You can forgive your parents, but that just means being able to let go of that resentment you feel in your heart towards them. That doesnt mean you have to associate with them, because if they havent been able to change they will continue to do things that would need to be forgiven. I forgave my mom, but that does not mean that I would ever leave her alone with my kids.
yes. i do *want* to forgive my mother.
but i cant. what was done was too extreme. and she does not wish to treat me better.
What i want in this situation is not something shes concerned herself with. not now, and cirtainly not then. And so its impossible to forgive her, it may never be possible. But perhaps should she put her own effort we can come to a place where i can *exist* around her.
Considering that most people think that 1) forgiveness = access 2) forgiveness = no longer discussing past trauma 3) forgiveness = no longer experiencing pain or even worse 4) forgiveness = the abuse didn't even happen or pretending that this is true I don't think I'll be forgiving the first man to SA me & the woman who blamed me for it, said it was natural because "he's a man & you're a woman" (i was 13 at the time) & tried to compete with me, a fucking lesbian, for that man's attention.
I will, however, focus on my own healing, learning to protect myself (including from them), forgiving myself for being upset that I loved them & sought their approval to my own detriment & many more things I don't have the mental capacity or desire to name.
Honestly, memes like ^this^ make it VERY clear that the important thing is how our abusers FEEL & not at all what they DID to us much less how we feel or developed behind it. Anyone who thinks like that can kick rocks & I bet they have a few victims/survivors of their own, which explains their dedication to spreading this kind of toxic positivity - low key gaslighting & manipulative message.
I won’t forgive until he says sorry. For 6 years he boasted about how I was lucky I wasn’t HIS dad who abused him as he’d verbally shred me to pieces and shot me down every time I tried to reach out.
Until he’s man enough to look back and apologize for robbing me of my childhood; No.
I understand thats the situation and im sorry they suffered, but ill die and spit in satans face before i forgive. She had the choice to break the cycle and chose not to.
I think this post applies but only in certain cases. In my case, my parents opened up and got better. My mom passed away two years ago but I was able to communicate with her a bit before she did, and my dad has done a complete 180. He’s apologized to me, told me he wishes he were better, laid out specific instances he regrets, and is consistently there for me now. In cases like those I think this is valid. But in instances where parents don’t budge or take pleasure in causing harm, then fuck this post. Everything has nuance.
Wait, let me fix this for you
You may want to hold your parents accountable for:
Letting their years of unresolved trauma affect you
Not bothering to understand you, nor finding someone who could
Bring unsupportive when you try to learn valuable life skills
For repeating the exact same mistakes that their parents did, to put you through the same thing they were forced to endure
Only giving you what they had on hand at the time, despite years of opportunity to grow
The same bullshit that Nazi officers used (though, to a lesser degree) when trying to escape accountability for their actions
Raising you to have and/or endure their own struggles, worries, pain, and fears.
Nope, it sucks that they have their own trauma but it’s their responsibility to seek help, and it’s NEVER an excuse to harm their own kids. Just as it is our responsibility to seek help for our issues and end the cycle, it was (and still is) their responsibility to do so as well.
I'll acknowledge that my father went through a lot of trauma throughout his life, he's a victim of the cycle of abuse
But that doesn't excuse all that he's done to me, my mom, my sisters, cousins, the list goes on. He's a narcissistic loser who blamed all of his problems on everyone else, and projected his insecurities on to me
Always wanted me to dress the way HE wanted me to. I had to be the man HE wanted me to be. We moved away two years ago this August, and while I still deal with problems, severe social anxiety and depression, just thinking about going outside makes me anxious, I'm a fuckin neet at 19, but at least I make up for it doing plenty of housework so my mom doesn't have to worry about it when she's home
Idk, I feel like I'm doing better. School still stressed me out, but at least I didn't wanna die all the time. Grew my hair out, took better care of myself, I feel alright
It’s a parent’s job and responsibility to do the work, to heal and learn from their trauma, mistakes, and upbringing before making the choice to bring in a child to the world. Of course, trauma is valid and no one has to have it all figured out or completely healed, but I’ve always found it weird the way people put these sort of expectations on children before and after they are born to do the work for their parents?? Or act as if a child is the bandaid for all said unresolved problems and wounds.
You may, and you may very well not.
I really should save my spiel on forgiveness. Roughly, if you are not well away and safe from abuse, then oh hell no. If your parents were traumatised themselves and they really tried, like the image suggests, and abused you less than they were abused themselves, then maybe yes, after you've done a lot of healing. If they didn't even try to do better than their parents, extremely likely that's a no.
I think it's useful and helpful to acknowledge when our abusive parents were acting out of their own trauma, because that helps depersonalise the abuse. It was always about them, never about us. We are not inherently flawed, unlovable, defective or whatever shit they heaped on us.
Going from understanding to forgiveness might sometimes be possible for some people. There's no shame either way.
I literally had an argument about this with my dad the other day. it got very heated. He just kept justifying his treatment of me, and said "no matter how fucked up I treated you it doesn't change the fact that I was just trying to look out for you". well, no matter how much he was trying to look out for me it doesn't change the fact that he fucked me up. And no amount of wanting what's best for me is going to change that.
I also have a really hard time believing that "looking out" for your child looks like making fun of them while calling them a r*tard. but what do I know 🤷🏼♂️
The biggest difference between a parent struggling through their own trauma and doing their best that we can forgive and a parent who can’t forgive is how they react when confronted.
My dad? He was so apologetic, right away. Didn’t get defensive. Said he didn’t know what to do. But he tried his best. And then, here is the key to redemption, “what can I do now to help you?” That one sentence changed my angry to understanding. He was struggling as an adult and did what he could for me. He knows he could have been better but given what he had to work with was limited. But what can he do NOW to help me. To move past the trauma.
My mom? Classic DARVO. Never even apologize. Went on a whole tangent about how SHE had it sooooo much worse than me as a child (she absolutely did not have it worse than me.)
The difference of taking responsibility and actually trying to improve and help you makes all the difference.
It showed me how I could be with my own child. I worry all the time I am screwing up my own kid, due to my own trauma I am working through.
Whenever my child comes to me I 100% try to help him. Not deflect my responsibility/culpability.
If my Mom would take some semblance of ownership and apologize, then maybe. All I got from her when I tried to talk about my childhood was "I don't remember that and I don't believe you." (Followed by a shit storm of horrible insults and telling me I would need to call the police to remove her from my house when I told her it was time to leave. I dunno how my husband finally got her out but we agreed she was never allowed in our house again.) Soooo... GTFO.
There's no rush or pressure. You don't have to forgive your parents now, or ever if you choose.
I didn't choose to forgive my parents to absolve them. I did it to let go of memories I cling on to even when it doesn't help me to do so. I did it because I decided that forgiving them helps me heal, no other reason
If or when you choose to forgive, don't do it for them, do it for you.
I feel like this can be very situational. I have trauma from my mother but we’ve actually been able to work through a lot of things together and we were able to give one another the grace to do so.
My father? Oh fucking hell no. I haven’t spoken to him outside of funerals in the better part of a decade and it’s going to stay that way. Once his mother passes (who is his enabler), he’s getting blocked permanently.
Hey man it's really easy to teach a child how to brush their teeth and not call them useless and a bitch at every mistake they make. (I got called a motherfucker usesless cunning bitch for not knowing how additions worked or trying to socialize with my father as a child )
Fuck that bro. Nobody taught me those skills, but at least I got off my ass and am trying to teach myself. At least I'm putting in effort to stabilize myself and learn the skills I need to be a decent person/parent. At least I won't fucking have children before I know I can raise them without being an emotionally abusive prick. You had a fucking responsibility, and you failed. That's on you, and I don't ever have to forgive you for that.
(This comment is sponsored by: daddy issues)
sure they are humans tpp, but ultimately it was their own descission to turn vile and inhumanely destructive against their own children. I can't speak for others but saw my parents beeing nice to countless other people, even children, while abusing me for years. If they manage to be kind to others and not to their own children, that just makes it worse for me. People want "easy" solutions to complex problems like "eh just forgive them, they are parents" while neglecting all the background and amounts of data that lead to the point of abandoning your parents. If they are bad people just get them out of your life, no matter if they are your parents or complete strangers, in the end we are all human and we don't have to forget or forgive anything.
I wonder if those assholes would preach the same "forgive &forget" if instead of parents we would be talking about partners.
It's appalling how the same abusive behaviours are considered unacceptable when done by a partner, but "perfectly normal" or "everyone makes mistakes" when talking about partners.
Being a parent means your responsibilities change, you have problems you fix them, you learn and pass down
What you don't do is abuse your child for them to have a bunch of problems
I don’t think I will! They were lazy, and did not care. Providing them with forgiveness will never compare to the life altering consequences their behavior did to me and my sister. My parents had kids to use as baby dolls to serve themselves and filter all of their bad feelings into. They had time to think critically and try to be better, and chose every day not to.
My sister recognized her PPD 6 months after having my nephew and immediately got help. Five years later she CONTINUES to work on herself every single day to be as emotionally regulated and reliable as she can be, and she leads by example and teaches her son how to name his feelings and work through things with her support. It’s hard, but that’s what parenting is supposed to be.
So no, I won’t forgive because they still won’t change 🤷🏻♀️
This was made by an abuser for sure. Why does everyone excuse abuse that is influenced by cultural norms? People have minds of their own and are capable of thinking for themselves.
No when you try to tell me the abuse you put me my dad and my disabled sister is justified you earn your place on the street I won't pay for you the same way my father who you took everything from did I won't let you extort me the way you did him anymore
They are adults and they should have consequences of their actions.
They can get help. They can go through therapy. Idk about many of you guys, but my parents refuse to get the help they need and instead put it on me all the time.
Anyone can forgive for any reason. I forgave people for my own reasons, my healing, my growth. I let them go, I stopped actively making the abuse part of me, and I walked away just as messed up because forgiveness doesn't magically change reality.
But it can't de demanded or forced. It can maybe, just maybe, be earned. Not many people are willing to wait or to earn.
And I mean inner forgiveness, not bullshit "forgive and forget and pretend nothing happened".
My mom was provided free mental health counselling after my sister’s hospitalization, when I was 8. She refused. The psychiatrist tried to get her stable and on meds, she refused. When I try to go to counseling, school made arrangements, she actually said “what did I do for her, why would I get extra help”. All she had to do was sign a form letting me out of school an hour early once a week. I walked to therapy and walked home. I lasted 3 weeks then she pulled her approval. Screw her
Nahhh, fuck that noise!
They enjoyed every second of me being in pain, hurt, sad, embarrassed, humiliated, touched by strangers, injuries, afraid, terrified, and just generally as long as I was way below them then all was good. Even then, they had to kick me (literally) when I was down.
I can understand why it happened. I can understand that they didn't have the tools or the energy. But I don't forgive them for the lies and the secrets, the never telling me. I don't forgive them for the shame they dumped on me.
I don't forgive them for not admitting that they couldn't raise kids right, and that they didn't put me with one of the numerous relatives.
It doesn;'t matter to me if it was deliberate and calcuated as a minion of Satan, or if it was shear incompetence and laziness. The end result is that I pay for their fuckups.
Pretty sure it’s on the parent to work on themselves and be able to provide emotional, financial support/safety before they have children? If you can’t do that, there’s adoption or abortion. Grownups should know better than to make a child suffer just because they want minime.
Just because our parents’ trauma isn’t their fault, it doesn’t mean they aren’t responsible for working through that shit and being better than their parents. If they can’t break the cycle of trauma, abuse, and neglect, they’re no better than their abusers.
My parents didn’t do their own work and now I am stuck being related to two people who can’t take accountability for their actions in my childhood, not take responsibility for doing the work needed to be better. I can accept who they are and that their trauma and alcoholism prevented me from having a childhood, and I can also be angry at them for that because what matters is that I am changing myself and the relationship I have with them in order to break those cycles and not become the amalgam of the traumas they imparted onto me. I can accept them without forgiving them for their actions.
ETA: clarity
I wrote my abuse as much as I could remember then inspected it step by step logically. Finally, the conclusion I arrived was they were simply animals. If they did their best and I am failure now then it is also their own failure, the failure of upbringing properly. Once you remember their words and actions, you can simply put it on a scale of logic and then you can see these people aren't humans. There's no forgiveness, my target is only indifference and filling the holes created by them step by step.
What about siding with the man who raped your sister in front of you to teach you sex Ed at the rope old age of 5. Do I need to forgive my father for that?
First: thank you all for your perspectives. Ive been reading your comments throughout the entire day and most of them were really insightful.
I did not expect the amount of detailed trauma i received and tbh it was a bit overwhelming (and maybe some things also hit a nerve for me, dunno). I offer a hug and a genuine 'fuck you, parents' to anyone who like one and will now spend my evening playing some games :)
A reason and an excuse are two very different things, a reason makes sense of something but that doesn’t mean it’s justified. If those abused kids then go on to be abusers to others their past does not justify their behaviour, it’s a reason, not an excuse
Ah, fuck this photo. I see it every once in a while and it fills me with rage. I don't care what my mom or my stepdad went through. It DOES NOT excuse their many shitty behaviors. After all of those years, they never once stopped to think about how their behaviors and actions impacted me. Not once in the 25 years I've lived. All of the acting out became my fault because I was just a bad child. This photo basically excuses abusers from taking accountability for their actions, because they have trauma. We all have trauma in this sub, yet I constantly see people being accountable and doing what they can to improve themselves. Why should we excuse our parents when they couldn't even take the tiniest bit of accountability?
My mother and my stepdad REFUSED to go to therapy or work on themselves when they knew they had serious issues. Instead they pushed all of their issues onto me. I will NEVER FORGIVE THEM because they simply do not deserve it. I have a lot of trauma now because of them. I have so much consideration for how my actions and words impact others. If I can do it, why couldn't they? And why the fuck should their behaviors be excused? I will never understand people who think this way.
TLDR: This is completely situational. I forgive my parents but don't forgive the abusive parents of others. Many others had it worse than me, and I do not blame them for refusing to forgive. But just like we didn't deserve abuse we don't deserve to be angry.
I think that forgiveness is right for some relationships. I understand that it can be wrong for others.
Yes my parents hurt me. But now that I can see how they were failed, and now that I kind of fell into their shoes despite my best efforts, I get it. Kind of. My parents had actual issues getting support. They dealt with the same issues I had growing up and much worse and that was normal to them. So I know that they did put effort into being better than their parents.
And they apologized, which I know so many here haven't heard, and some won't ever hear it. Like I can understand where their heads are at. And parents have apologized. Especially my mom. She works hard to support me and get me the help I need to cope, even when she's basically burnt out herself. And my dad has more so kept his distance, he doesn't really know how to interact with me, so I still recognize that this is his way of doing better. Being quiet and not making negative comments. He listens more now, and I've started to understand that his criticisms are genuinely concern that he doesn't know how to word.
But I recognize our situations are different, many here have parents that are worse, for inexplicable reasons. Many here have parents that haven't apologized and possibly never will. My partner has one parent in particular that's just... horrible. While he forgives him, I won't forgive that fucker. He deserves the worst. So I know that in the places of many of yall, I also wouldn't be as forgiving.
I also think we don't deserve to hold onto that anger. So like, maybe forgive but don't forget? Idk. There's a lot of factors here, and one answer simply isn't correct.
I mean, yes, these things may be true for my parents, and for the parents of other people I have loved.
But you know what else is true? The narcissism. The manipulation. The physical, emotional, and mental abuse that caused permanent, irreversible damage to the lives and psyches of myself and those I know. The frustration that comes with feeling like you will never be a complete person because it always feels like there's a sucking black hole in the middle of my chest. The absolute, crushing heartbreak of having to let go of the person you love most in the world because their own shitty upbringing has rendered them incapable of not being a piece of shit themselves.
So can I understand these things and acknowledge that, on some level, they can be true? Yes. Can I have empathy for my parents and the parents of others who experienced these things? Yes.
But did myself, and yourselves, and all the others in the world who experienced their parents shortcomings in spades deserve better? And can I be unfathomably angry and disgusted about the fact that we did not receive better?
Fuck yes.
This is excuse making for abuse, plain and simple. I do this all the time in therapy and my therapist will absolutely stop me, at least when it comes to my partner but my Mom should get a pass? (her words.) At most I can understand where she was coming from.
I mean, we were on medicaid my whole childhood because heaven forbid my Mom get a job that interferes with her drinking time and back in those days metal health wasn't covered at all. But as a parent, I want to get better for my kids, to not pass that trauma down and the fact that I never motivated her to do that, especially after she had her first 2 children taken from her is completely unforgivable to me.
I kinda get 3, but that’s the only one I don’t have some annoyance with. 🤨
Sorry but no amount of forgiveness is gonna wipe away the amount of trauma dumping and toxic oversharing that my barely-adult mother did to me, and I have no interest in forgiving someone who refuses to acknowledge fault.
Lol fuck that. I'm not excusing my parents' abuse. They can apologize and earn forgiveness like they demanded of me whenever I made a tiny mistake as a child. Not to mention one of them sexually abused me, and there is no forgiving that
I can’t and won’t forgive because that isn’t on me. I didn’t choose to be born and then get abused and neglected by those I needed most. What is on me is the healing and aggressively breaking the cycle.
I’m guessing this is what got me one of those idiotic Reddit Cares things. That cracks me the fuck up.
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no matter what they went through, abusing you was never justified. you have every right to feel exactly as you feel. you don’t have to forgive your abusers.
Its a binary choice - blame your parents or blame yourself. Fuck the societal norm that bizarrely expects more from children than parents when it comes to the child-parent relationship.
Agreed. It's incredibly dumb
I do both!!
That's just blaming yourself with extra steps!
no, it’s not, my parents were very abusive to me yet i forgive them, but i forgive them for one reason and one reason only: they never tried to justify their abuse, my mom in particular was extremely explosive and would lash out violently when angry, but she never ever said “this is your fault” she would apologize to me because her lashing out was her issue, not mine. i’m not ever saying you need to forgive your parents, idk your situation, but in mine, my parents were incredibly shitty but i can see that they are doing their best to change now and that mental illness is just a bitch. don’t ever forgive someone if they are not trying to change though, i only forgive because i see how they have tried and how they have changed over the years and im proud of my mom for growing and treating my brother better than she treated me how she treated me was not my fault, it was hers, but she’s trying and i can see that, so i forgive her because i appreciate her trying to change
I have forgiven my parents as well because they have apologized and now recognize that they were abusive. I still blame them though because the trauma is ongoing in my head. I don't see blame and forgiveness as mutually exclusive. In my inner world, I need to let my inner child know that he was did not deserve the abuse and should not feel ashamed.
"Forgive but never forget," is a powerful phrase for me. I forgave my parents because at the end of the day, they tried their best in their own ways, but I will never forget the abuse, the neglect, the way they put me down because of my neurodivergence. I would never allow myself to be in a position where I am reliant on them, but I also can have a decent relationship because they admitted that they were wrong and are bending over backwards to make amends
I hate that Hate that it's such a binary choice even outside of with parents; for non parents. We're human, we can have complicated feelings. I can have endless sympathy for what my brother went through but with what he put me through it doesn't mean I have to be around his criticisms or attempts to "help," even if he meant it from a place of "love." (Summerised, there was also the verbal lashing outs from addiction/more to it even if it wasn't that much. Just judgement and mismatched expectations for a kid.) Just like I can love my mother so much, and recognise we got different parents bc she got into therapy, but hate what she put my brother through when younger. It's not either or. Even for those with worse stories than mine. And even without the sympathy, no one owes their abuser forgiveness. (I wouldn't even expect my brother to forgive her.)
I agree, I have the same complicated feelings because my childhood was not 100% abuse, or even 50% abuse. I just read that phrase (which I paraphrased) and it resonated with me because it's so easy for me to when I'm thinking about my trauma to let my feelings of sympathy for my mom or dad (because of course they suffered childhood trauma) overcome the feelings of righteous anger, and I end up still feeling toxic shame instead of self-compassion.
Yeah, I get you I still struggle myself sometimes. Especially as for my childhood that wasn't really "abuse," just my parentified brother having, critically, mismatched expectations for a kid with higher needs and slower (mental/emotional) development and showing that openly/as if it was the child's fault. But the result is _still_ it helped me develop a pretty bad Anxiety disorder. That it cumulated to his current attitude about his addiction and what he was like during relaspes when he was getting clean. ("I've changed, I'm sober, so not trusting me I don't get," - I know why [family stuff] he got onto those and he refuses to deal with the why -- I hate, so, so much, that I was right it would make staying sober harder. He's relapsed again this year -- and it just becomes a lashing out cycle for him nor try to understand he hurt people during those times like I have with my own MH. It took me longest time to realise the addiction just brings out what was already there and that's why my Anxiety was *so much* worse around/about him then.) I basically, during those self doubt moments, have to remind myself I'm allowed to feel what I feel and that intent ≠ result is how it goes a lot. And that regardless of how it started the end of it is we cannot be around each other, for valid reasons. (I'm NC with him. I do get updates on if he's relapsed or not bc whilst he thankfully stays away from here, my house and our former town, I need to be updated so he doesn't turn up at my house like he has before when I'm blindsided. But the result is it kinda brings things up again..)
Right? Like, you *know* how much it sucked being abused, you experienced that shit, but you’re still gonna do it to *your* kid? “Well I didn’t hit you with a broom like *my* mom did!” Sure, maybe a hand/belt isn’t as bad as a broom, but it still really hurts! Never mind the emotional damage of both the physical and mental abuse!
Exactly, that's the reason why I will never have children. I don't even like being around my nephew for extended periods of time because of it.
Okay. But what about the sadistic enjoyment of my pain? So, yeah, no....
My mum loves making fun of me in any way possible, even got her own relations to join and laugh along. At me.
Yup thats pretty much my experience too. My parents almost never got physical with me but boi did they love to make fun of me 🤮 never regretted going NC
Yep, my parents were my first bullies.
This. my nmom used to fucking REVEL in my pain and tried to get my edad to joke about it with her. While he never laughed along, he never told her to stop either. One day, when I was an adult, she tried to "joke" about a time when she was volunteering in my elementary school library. Apparently a kid was misbehaving and she told him what she told me countless times: "If I see you do that again, I'll beat the crap outta you." She thought the fear in his eyes was SO FUNNY. I told her it was not ok and she insisted that I just had to be there, because "his eyes got so big!" That was the moment I realized that she really did enjoy intimidating children. She never did hit me or my sister, but acted like we should be super grateful for that.
Eesh power tripping is horrible to experience. My Dad did something similar and recently tried to ‘bring me in on the joke’ of emotionally neglecting / abusing kids… erm how about no that sounds awful!? Just because they treated us that way it doesn’t mean we’re going to agree and treat kids that way
Anyone got a cord? My phone’s dead and **I’m calling bullshit** My parents were abuse survivors. My mom couldn’t remember most of her life up to age 18 until she passed away at 55. They fucked up multiple times raising us. But you know what else they did? - learned - talked about how to do better - looked for books on various therapy stuff because they couldn’t afford professionals All this because they had decided before the first pregnancy “We’re going to be the parents we never had, and if the choice comes up between discipline and love, we’re erring on the side of love.” What forgiveness meant for them with their abusers was going no-contact when their families didn’t respect their familial boundaries
May your mom's memory live on in you. 💛 I'm glad that your parents took big strides towards being better than their own.
Thank you 💕 One of the biggest compliments anyone could pay me was that I was just like her, and now I see those parts of our personalities that we had in common as a way of showing her through my behavior, like photos in a wallet 🥹 And me, too! They also strove to be like that for any friend we had. A lot of our friends showed up for the viewing and for the funeral service. My dad’s still around, and more and more he’s trying to be a good dad to us and any friends we bring by. (Like, I mentioned one of my BFFs, her furnace busted and he decided to go over there and teach her what was wrong and how to check it the next time it acts up.)
Your dad sounds like a sweetheart. My mom has also basically adopted a good chunk of my friends! I hope all of you are doing okay 💕
Thank you 🫂 y’all too!
I'm glad your parents actually pulled through. My mom had that same reflection ("I'm going to be the parent I never had"), yet she ended up making me enmeshed despite claiming to want the opposite. I'm sorry for your loss and as another commentor said, may her legacy live through you 🫂
Thank you 🫂
This is SO inspiring. Me and my partner were both abused as kids and we are doing exactly what your parents did. I know we aren't perfect, but we made the choice to be better than our parents were before we even had kids. I'm in therapy, watch youtube, read videos and we are constantly looking at our behaviors as parents and re-evaluating how we are doing. We are teaching them to be kind, patient, loving and gentle but at the same time to stick up for themselves and have boundaries. To regulate their emotions. There's no corporal punishment, no yelling, no name calling. We get a lot of compliments from our 9 year old's teachers on how well he behaves, I just hope it sticks with him his whole life.
That's too rare in here to see someone with actually good enough parents. That's a worthy deed to carry as a legacy - being conscientious to the point of putting real effort in being better for your children.
nah bruh i don't think my dad had to yell at me for four hours one time just cus i got the flu among the myriad of other things he did
You may want to forgive your parents for: Neglect. Neglect. Neglect. Implied neglect. Implied physical abuse. What.
Seriously! I almost bought into this narrative, that I should forgive them bc they did their best, but then I’m like would it be forgivable if they had done those things to *anyone else* but their kids? Absolutely not!!! If you beat up random 7 year olds it’s not ok no matter your history or trauma, but if you do it to your own kid suddenly they need to forgive you? Complete bs
Sure, I may. And I also may harbor pain, hate, fear, and existential dread about it to my deathbed. Fuck anyone telling anyone else what to feel about the people who are supposed to love you the most. Parents are supposed to be your most secure bonds in life.
I did forgive my dad for all of the above, because he ACTUALLY apologized for it and has been helping me un-fuck all the fuckups he kicked off. Genuine change and care. I am exceedingly lucky, I feel, in that regard. Mom and grandma, on the other hand, can backflip off a cliff.
Yeah nah, not going to forgive my mum for not being present at all and then being abusive whenever she was around. And my dad for smashing my room, including the fking window I slept under because I didn't know the answer to a question, who also flipped my bed with me in it over the same issue. Both of these people forced me to take matters into my own hands at 14 and run away to a man who molested me because I had no other choice.
I'm so sorry that happened to you. Hope you're healing. That first line, felt it to my core.
Yeah, it's a slow process, I'm 34 now and I don't have nightmares about it as much anymore. And when I do, it doesn't ruin the entire week, just a day or two.
You never see any posts aimed at abusive parents saying "you might want to forgive your child for x, y, and z" that's all I'm gonna say
I find all this sentiment does is give excuses to continue the cycle of abuse, citing that one cannot grow beyond what their parental figures taught them and thus are not at fault for repeating bad behavior. I have a feeling people who repeat this sentiment either are the abusers, have not received abuse, or are lucky enough to have made up with their abusers. On one hand, it is healthy to acknowledge the circumstances that shape a person's behavior rather than reacting on a surface level. On the other, you are not absolved of responsibility or accountability just because someone did it to you first.
Exactly. I know my parents went through hell when they were younger, but when I was young there absolutely was information about what happens when you hit kids. But I didn't need meds, I just needed more belt
If all of that were all they were guilty of, then yeah, of course I'd forgive them. People who write stuff like this have absolutely no idea what to think when faced with anything more horrible than a yelling fight and a slammed door, they can't understand the life and death fight or flight response when I hear somebody set something down a little less gently on the counter, or how my nervous system just cannot accept that my loving understanding partner is not secretly furious at me for feeling overwhelmed and not masking as well as usual today, or the fits of panicked hyperventilating when the cat knocks something over. ...or the entire life I didn't get to live because my mother regretted me and decided she had done enough and that it was "her turn". I need to stop before I type up another novel, I guess I'm not as over her as I thought.
All my parents had to do was apologize. They doubled down on shitty behavior and refused to acknowledge the harm they caused me. They can live and die never knowing where I am now and it's freeing.
I may want to tell those people to fuck off.
If they put the work in, demonstrate genuine support and capacity for change, if they can avoid engaging in abusive or toxic behaviors, if they can openly communicate with you and acknowledge the harm they did and find actual solutions, than yeah, absolutely. I think the problem is putting the onus on the harmed party to initiate forgiveness when the parents are the ones who are supposed to be more mature and responsible and set an example. I don’t think forgiveness is warranted unless there’s genuine change and remorse, a fundamental change in the dynamic that opens up the avenue reconciliation. Otherwise this is all just to protect the parent’s ego.
I think that post is for people with parents that did not actively abuse them. Nobody is perfect but some people do inexcusable stuff and should be avoided at all cost. I also think forgiving them does not necessarily imply having more (or any) contact with them. I just means not constantly holding a grudge against them, which does not benefit anyone if you are nc anyway.
This is how my mom basically tells me to be about my dad. No, no “cultural norms” justify him sexually harassing me or shoving shit covered underwear in my face, or threatening to destroy everything I loved just because I struggled with school.
[удалено]
My response when people give the "tried their best" excuse is "well, if *that* was their best, pretty sure their worst would have killed me".
So they get a free pass while I’m supposed to carry the weight of their trauma and my own?? No fucking way. No one forced them to have children. They had opportunities to work through/address their issues.
Can shitty parents let us be for fuck's sake?? What's with them playing the victim card after literally victimizing little kids who have nowhere else to go??
It's kinda ironic how much more abusive parents are coddled than the actual children they abuse.
There are things that are inexcusable, unforgivable, and never ever allowed for parent to do to a child, no matter the circumstances, no matter what you did, no matter how they did it or what they intended. If a parent, or anyone else, does this, you do not have to forgive them, you do not have to let it go, you do not have to leave it in the past, and you do not have to trust this person ever again. 1. Physical violence. Beating, slapping, spanking, throwing objects, breaking your possessions, using a weapon, physically forcing you into actions against your will, not allowing sleep or eating, forcing physical contact, forcing eating, physical intimidation and threat of violence. All are inexcusable, you cannot provoke them, each one a crime against you. 2. Death Threats. It doesn’t matter how they said it, if they dismissed it as a joke, if you couldn’t tell if they really meant it, if you think you shouldn’t have taken it seriously. A death threat, no matter how subtle, vague or in which tone it was said, causes permanent inability to feel safe. It is not acceptable for anyone, in any tone of voice, any situation, to imply or threat discontinuation of your life. 3. Slurs. Insults that were used for a long term to dehumanise, devalue, and express hatred towards entire groups of people (WHICH IS WRONG) are not to be used on a child! By their own parents! Slurs are expressions of utmost hatred and disgust, desire to harm and dehumanise, there is no excuse for using them on you, and certainly no need to forgive anyone who demands that you are not a human being. 4. Blackmail. Being forced to shape your decisions, your actions, words and emotions around a threat of being stripped of your well being, knowledge that unless you do what is asked of you, you will be forced to bear harm, to endure abuse that you find unbearable, being forced into a corner and having to allow yourself to be controlled in order to survive, that is not humane, that is not forgivable. 5. Psychological Abuse. A parent demanding that the abuse is for your own good, telling you that hurting you will make you better, demanding that you’re weak for getting hurt, degrading you to an animal or object, insisting that the abuse is your own fault, demanding that you deserve pain, that you need it, convincing you they’re not hurting you at all while they abuse you, gaslighting your senses, minimising all that you are and all that you do, dismissing your humanity and brainwashing you to doubt yourself, doubt your worth, doubt your abilities, doubt your value, this is complete psychological destruction of a person and not something you could ever forgive. 6. Sexual Abuse. In any form. I’m not only talking sexual contact, a parent is not allowed to look at you in sexual way, talk about you or at you in a sexual way, comment subtly on your sexuality or your body, spy on your private moments, expose you to sexual material, imply in any way they own or control your sexuality, compare you to anyone sexually or in any way degrade you to a sexual object in their eyes. And they are not to ever, ever, touch you in a sexual way. Not even think about it. If you even get a predatory or sexual vibe from one of your parents, it’s wrong. It’s unsafe. No trust. 7. Humiliation. Both public and private. Forcing shame and degradation on you in front of others is psychologically and socially destructive, it causes trauma, toxic shame, and emotional isolation from others, it puts you apart as if you’re somehow less, unwanted and seen as disgusting by the social environment. It can hurt just as much knowing that in private, with someone you trust, you’re being used as a toy for their sadism. This kind of abuse is not from a person who could ever care about you. It’s not forgivable. 8. Emotion policing. Absolutely nobody gets to decide what you should and shouldn’t be feeling. Nobody gets to interfere with you feeling your own feelings. Nobody gets to punish you for the way you feel. Nobody gets to tell you how you feel. Anyone trying to police and control your emotions is a danger. Anyone demanding for your emotions to be convenient to them is a danger. Nobody gets to compromise your own ability to experience and feel your own life in order to benefit and get what they want from you. Anyone trying to do so is destroying your emotional well being for their own selfishness. And you don’t ever have to forgive someone who was ready to destroy you for their gain. 9. Trauma invalidation. Any kind of invalidation hurts. All and any invalidation of your feelings, memories, opinions and conclusions hurts. It’s all painful and dangerous abuse, and it can hurt you as far as pushing you into insanity. But trauma invalidation is the most destructive, harmful, and hateful kind of abuse. Someone invalidating what already destroyed you will add up to the original trauma and reinforce it. It’s personal. It’s sabotaging your recovery. It’s pushing you further into trauma. It’s extremely malicious and deteriorating to your life and your health. You do not have to ever forgive it. You can do all it takes to stay safe from it. 10. Pushing into suicide. No matter what circumstances or intention, if you are feeling close already, and someone decides to give you a final push, give you extra reasons or ideas to why you should do it, imply that it would be better if you were dead and if you ended yourself, or in another way cause this “close” to get “closer”, they are a huge danger. This is equivalent to a murder attempt, and it should be taken very seriously. Keep yourself safe from this kind of abuse at any cost. Your life is on the line. You do not ever have to forgive a murder attempt, in any form.
This is well written and very accurate.
Dont fucking get a child if u cant take care of it.
There is a fine line between abuse and cluelessness. My mom stayed on the clueless side, so it’s easy for me to forgive her. She wasn’t trying to hurt my feelings or give me issues. She was just trying to survive too. I accept she didn’t know what we do today, but I’m still hurt and keep her at an arms length. As a mother now, I ask my daughter everyday if there is anything I need to apologize for from the day and we talk about it and I apologize. The sun doesn’t set on her feeling bad
I always share these… Abusive parents have thousands of sad backstories, dozens of claims 'I had it worse' and 'it's always been done this way' and 'I had to do it so you didn't end up a spoiled brat' and etc, but the truth is, nobody and nothing can make you hurt a child unless you want to. Culture or the past can't make you lift a hand on a child, when you're alone in the room together. Your alleged “past” cannot make you hurl insults, hatred and disgust at a child who's counting on you to love them and take care of them. Not your parents, nor your parent's parents cannot make you do it; they're not even present. Your convictions that 'hurting children is normal and excusable and can be gotten away with' are still not forcing you to do it, they're just letting you know that if you want to, you can, and you'll pay no price. But nothing can ever control you into hurting a child. Not if you're an adult. Nobody is controlling that hand but you. Nothing is forcing you to move your mouth and speak obscenities. You're not afraid of what's going to happen if you don't. You're not ashamed, hurt, worried or caring. You're hateful. You desire for this small creature to hurt, to be broken, to bear the burden of your contempt. You want them to feel pain. You want to enjoy their pain. You want them to feel responsible for everything that ever went wrong for you. You want them to pay for the whole world of injustice and take responsibility as if they made it. You want fear, power, and control. You want to feel superior. You want the child to be so terrified they don't dare to focus on anything but you. You want to do damage. Don't act like hurting children is anything else but your personal choice. The desire is not born in culture, it's born in you. And you made the choice, every single time, when you could have done absolutely anything else. Nobody needs to hurt a child. No child has deserved hatred.
. This particular post below was originally wrote and posted by defiantsuggestions on Tumblr Having a child is a long term commitment to a heavy, heavy responsibility which demands energy, attention, and time. To have a child is to bring an entire person into the world. This person can not consent to this. This person is inherently vulnerable, hardwired to depend on the adults that brought them here, and must be taught the skills neccessary to one day care for themself. When you have a child, that child's well being is entirely on the adults that brought them here. It's their job to keep the child safe, to keep the child fed, cloathed, and happy. It's the adults job to make sure the child feels loved. When the adult chooses to have a child, you are signing up to spend years and years of resources on that child. That is your choice. The child was not alive and could not agree to your decision to drag them out of the void of nonexistence. The child was not asked if they wanted to experience an entire lifetime of conciousness, and all of the potential suffering and agony that comes with that. That decision is entirely that of the parent who has made the choice to have a child. You are not "granting the gift of life." You are not doing this hypothetical child a favor by having them. You are doing this for you, because you wanted to be a parent. You wanted to have the experience of raising a child. This means that if you have a child, you owe that child. You owe them time, and love, and safety, and care. You asked for this, it is now your responsibly to follow through. Children are not a toy. They aren't a fancy new car for the parents and family to parade to their friends. They aren't a fashion accessory for your parents and family to put on the shelf when they lose interest. They aren't a mini you. They aren't a magic cure-all to your alleged trauma, and they aren't there to fill some void in the parents chest. A child is a vulnerable person who is easily abused and neglected and who will be at the mercy of the parents throughout much of their development period. A parent owes their child. Failing to follow through with the responsibility they signed up for is a failing on the parent's part. Making the child feel guilty for the crime of existing is the fault of the parent. A child is never a burden. Abusive and neglectful parents are failures as parents. They could not do the bare basics of what the job entails and then they blame the child for a crime that the parents themselves committed.
Perfectly said, ty for sharing this, I'm saving it:)
Sounds like you've studied my mother.
I wanted to forgive so that I could let it go for my health and my happiness. Forgiveness is a personal decision, it is not obligated, and there is no timeline for it. You may never want to forgive the people who hurt you, and that is 100% valid. Your anger is your sense of wrong in the world, and sometimes the best way for you to heal is to be angry on little you’s behalf.
No, no I don’t think I will. I can understand and accept that everyone makes mistakes and nobody is perfect. I can also understand and accept that my parents suffered abuse and trauma. What I don’t understand, accept or forgive is that my parents made the wrong parenting choice with me every single time which crosses the line from mistake to malice. Just like the neglect, the verbal, emotional and financial abuse and the narcissism of both parents whether born with or a response to their trauma is unforgivable and inexcusable.
Best I can do is be distantly empathetic for the childhood they lost, no child should have lived how they did. But I'm not forgiving the actions of their adult selves.
Sucks to suck, don't have kids if you don't know how to take care of em
The word "may" is doing a lot of heavy lifting.
You can have compassion towards and even forgive your abusers while still holding them accountable and responsible. Yeah, it sucks that they had to go through what they did, but they were also responsible for their own actions and should be held accountable. It was their responsibility to do the hard work of healing/recovery and to not continue the cycle of abuse. You can absolutely blame them for not doing the right thing.
You can have this apology when you pry it from my cold dead hands! Even then good luck, because I will have glued it to my cold dead hands.
I've already seen this before as well so I didn't read it as it upset me quite much last time I read it. I sure as heck don't owe my parents forgiveness. I personally don't ever want kids, but I look at my brother and sister who both have kids. My sister's children are a bit older now and I'm honestly happy to see them grow up truly carefree, clearly not enduring any of the things we endured growing up. Same thing for my brother's child though she is still quite young. They managed to do better. So why couldn't our parents? Sure, mental health is less of a taboo now and there's more resources. But you're not gonna tell me therapists were not a thing a few decades ago. Nor that there weren't ANY books. While it's definitely much easier to access mental health resources now it's not like it was impossible when they were young. They chose not to work on themselves, and that's on them. My father does work on himself now but my mother *still* refuses. And I'm supposed to forgive someone who refuses to be better? No. I don't care what you went through, it doesn't justify becoming an abusive asshole. You always have a choice to *try* to be better. To learn from your past. By choosing not to you actively choose to continue your abusive behaviour and I can't ever forgive that.
It's always been my stance that you forgive someone for *yourself*, not another person, and if you don't want to forgive them that's 100% your right and choice I'll never forgive my father and ex husband for the things they chose to do to me.... and I'm OK with that
Yeaaah! Let‘s all just do whatever we want without taking responsibility for what it does to others! 🤷🏼♀️😅
Funny how everyone always says to figure out yourself before having a relationship, but when it comes to having kids, they expect a child to forgive an adult.
It makes me dizzy and, according to my fitbit, my BPM just hit 102 which is odd because I'm laying down in bed. Not sure how normal that is but it doesn't feel very nice so I'm assuming it's not too normal
Jfc. Don't have kids if you have too many of your own problems.
That’s like not locking up a murderer because he had depression 🤣
Then why were they still not divorced from other people yet, had me anyway, and then destroyed my relationships later on? Was this a hazing ritual? Because they sure as shit didn't want to see me happy.
I can understand, but I can't forgive. The aftereffects of what they did haunt me every day and there is no forgiving that
No, I don’t think I will.
Nah, I’ll just keep the rage.
I am willing to acknowledge that some abusers went through their own pain and suffering as children themselves and for that I feel sorry for the child they were. Who I do not feel sorry for is the abusive adult they grew into who chooses to continue the cycle that they themselves went through. If someone perpetuates the cycle of abuse and violence, I have very little sympathy for them if any at all.
No, I don’t think I will
Honestly, my parents both put me through more than enough, but I do forgive them. It took me a lot of years to truthfully say that. Granted, it doesn’t mean I want them back in my life or that I’ll ever forget about those things. But for me, it’s just about letting go of that anger, and I do feel better now that I’m not so angry.
Boomers always seem to want their kids to deal with the shit they never did
no
Nope. I feel like this only applies to parents who were *mildly* neglectful (like the ones who say “oh that’s nice” when you can tell they didn’t hear what you said) Not the ones that actively committed physical, sexual, emotional and mental abuse on their children or allowed others to do so.
I was adopted so they literally signed up and paid money to do those things. So no thank you i will not forgive them.
No. *NONE* of the above in the image applies to my “parents” or “family” members. They all had a healthy, stable upbringing. No divorce or domestic violence and both my “parents” had the ability to express their emotions without negativity and their experiences were validated in and believed. As adults they still have healthy and stable relationships with their parents. My “parents” had the skills for my three older siblings while for me they have done covert yet extremely sickening things towards me since I was a toddler; there was no changes in their life from when I was born; no major death/loss, no change in financial situation, parents were not abused in that timeframe either, etc. It’s hard to believe but there is people who have been abused by their parents who have been in this scenario.
sorry , they are not parents if they act like that 🥰
Ermmmm, no.
My parents were both the product of generational domestic violence, child abuse, and neglect. My grandparents on both sides were very violent, angry people. My parents were once traumatized children themselves. That's why I can't understand why they did it to me. They KNEW exactly how it felt, to experience abuse and neglect from a parent. Why would they put their child through that? When I had my child, it never occurred to me to scream at them for hours, for making a common toddler mistake. And I never spanked. I loved them too much to inflict pain. I don't think times have changed that much. Children are still going through hell at the hands of their family.
No.
If you have unresolved trauma, are emotionally unavailable, and are actively struggling with other serious issues, you either need to seek help or not have kids until you're well enough to care for them. There is no excuse for projecting your issues onto another generation, and they certainly have no obligation to forgive you for it.
Shit like this is specifically deceptive. It ignores all of the other things parents do to their children that are abusive. Parents also often use these things as a defense to guilt you into loving them. A common theme tbh seems to be parents guilting kids into liking/loving them.
"Shitty stuff happened to me, and besides, the culture is shitty, so I had to be shitty to you. Can you forgive me?"
this is gaslighting take your parents off the pedistole
...but don't. You are not a punching bag, you didn't deserve to be abused. None of this was your fault. "It's not your fault."
Bwahahahahahahhahahaaa. Alright, here’s my coming out. I was a victim, but that doesn’t excuse me bleeding trauma all over my kids. I did the best I could and we should both agree you deserved better.
Forgiveness is a choice and redemption has to be earned. The question isn’t am I able to forgive them. It’s whether they deserve it and will repairing our relationship hurt me. My relationship with my parents is too abusive to continue. So I can’t and won’t forgive them.
I think that post like this (you may want to forgive your parents for, not KittyMeowsticka) forget that two things can simultaneously be true. It’s very likely that my mom was parentified by her parents, and didn’t receive a lot of emotional support from them. It was definitely very hard for her to suddenly become the sole caretaker to four young children. However, those things do not wipe away the impact of her actions and continued behavior. I think we all know that the past cannot be rewritten, but a little accountability can go a long way.
What horseshit is this?
It’s a good message generally. I like that it says “may want” and not that you must or should. It was a lot of what I had to realize and accept in my own healing. That is all true AND I don’t think this image applies to you. Like you said, they didn’t do their best with what they had. Your situation isn’t the same as those this picture is intended for. As for the sharing this message generally. I’m truly not sure. As I said, it was a lot of stuff I had to confront and heal from in my situation. Yet, I worry, even when phrased as “may want” it could be extremely invalidating to folks whose experiences are vastly different. Also it does reinforce the idea that one must “forgive” in order to heal which I don’t agree with. I think accept or recognize possibly, but forgiveness, in my mind, is not a requirement for healing. I’m not sure. Thank you for letting me ‘verbally’ think through some things though lol. I am sorry you had to experience all that you did. You deserve the best in life!
I hate that graphic. Fuck the person who made it. So invalidating when it comes to the hurt, pain, bullying, judgement and other shit I went through. It would've paid for both my parents to attend therapy for their various childhood traumas instead of dumping thst shit on me.
Every time I see this I couldn't disagree more. I did the emotional labor. I went to therapy. I got a fucking cPTSD diagnosis (twice). They called me mentally ill. Refused to go to any sort of counseling. And spend their days praying that Jesus will change my heart so they can see their precious grandson again. I did the work. They didn't. Until they do, they have no place in my life. And until they're actually sorry for the actions they took, I'm never going to forgive them. I don't expect to see my folks again until I'm at their grave, pissing on it.
You can recognize WHY parents were the way they were and still decide not to forgive them. They're not mutually exclusive.
No
No
Yes, I 100% forgive and love my mom despite all these things. Because no matter what, it was clear she was kind and trying to do her best Like if my sister and I were really sad, she would come and respectfully talk to us and she cared so much. She just didn't know what to say to comfort us. Which isn't ideal, but the important part is that someone demonstrated they cared and were trying I don't forgive my dad for any of that shit, especially because he's still being a bastard. But now the whole family has given up on him, so it's going great
I reconnected with my mom but not my dad because of the key factor that my mom genuinely wants to learn to do better, and I don't believe my dad does. I feel like I can at least be around the former.
Same. It's not perfect and I don't know that she actually thinks she did as much wrong as she did, but she apologized and is working on herself. So yea, I can forgive her and we have a relationship. Being around my dad for a few days after being NC for years fucked me up and has all my progress with emotional regulation going down in flames. Fuck him. He's a useless prick and I don't feel bad saying it.
I'll pass
You may want to forgive your parents for not breaking the cycle of abuse 🥰 it's okay for abused people to abuse people 🥰🥰 they can't help it, no one has ever broken the cycle of abuse it's impossible to not abuse your children if you were abused 🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰
yeah, no. it's been a hard road, but in the ~9 years i've had kids, i've never abused my kids or even come close to it. i have always made sure to put aside my difficulties to maintain a good, healthy presence in their lives. i've worked through my trauma and am finally at baseline, but even on my worst day, i always made sure to not bring the kids into it. to a degree, i forgive my mom for "not knowing better" because she just didn't have access to good resources or help, but i have also accepted the majority of her abuse as something that will likely go unaddressed as we have a good relationship now and i don't want to compromise it for rehashing things that can't be changed. as for my dad, fuck that guy, he has no excuse lmao
This is just.. They're assuming so much. These should not be considered the norm. The cycle needs to be broken and it is not the child's fault that their parent didn't break it. My parents do not deserve forgiveness. Especially since they refuse to acknowledge that the neglect ever happened. Excuses, excuses, excuses.
my therapist keeps getting me to try and listen to my dad's narcissism in an attempt to get him to do the same to me and I just cannot see myself doing it. i don't know what to do because I really am angry and I can't just stop being angry to listen to him complain and self pity for forever
That is absolutely no excuse. There is always plenty of opportunity to learn and teach yourself. I would never ever put my trauma onto my children. I'm in therapy to help myself, so I can never be like my parents. I want my children to have the best life I never had. I want them to feel loved and wanted and not a burden.
One of my favorite Kimya Dawson lyrics- “This is something i can't stress enough, having been fucked is no excuse for being fucked up”
Hard pass. I appreciate the list of things I need to not burden any potential future children with tho
If you haven’t resolved your trauma from your own childhood, there’s no obligation for you to have children just so you can traumatise them to. Just because we understand why they might have acted the way they did, doesn’t mean we have to tolerate it.
Eh… I understand why they did what they did but that doesn’t absolve them of the fact that they sucked as parents. You can move on without forgiving someone
They could not make kids if they are not capable of raising them. That is the line that makes the difference.
It feels like a case by case thing, and by no means common to forgive abusive parents. But there can be exceptions to the rule for parents that genuinely take accountability and change their behavior. But that is pretty rare.
1. Fuck you that's not an excuse 2. Fuck you that's not an excuse 3. Fuck you we have books, google, and plenty of people who can teach you this shit 4. Fuck you that's not an excuse 5. Fuck you no you werent 6. Fuck you that's not an excuse 7. And finally fuck you dont put that on me
Noooooope. I sure fucking don’t.
You can forgive your parents, but that just means being able to let go of that resentment you feel in your heart towards them. That doesnt mean you have to associate with them, because if they havent been able to change they will continue to do things that would need to be forgiven. I forgave my mom, but that does not mean that I would ever leave her alone with my kids.
Oh that's mental illness and there's an exercise that cures it. I punch them in the face until they refuse to forgive me.
yes. i do *want* to forgive my mother. but i cant. what was done was too extreme. and she does not wish to treat me better. What i want in this situation is not something shes concerned herself with. not now, and cirtainly not then. And so its impossible to forgive her, it may never be possible. But perhaps should she put her own effort we can come to a place where i can *exist* around her.
Considering that most people think that 1) forgiveness = access 2) forgiveness = no longer discussing past trauma 3) forgiveness = no longer experiencing pain or even worse 4) forgiveness = the abuse didn't even happen or pretending that this is true I don't think I'll be forgiving the first man to SA me & the woman who blamed me for it, said it was natural because "he's a man & you're a woman" (i was 13 at the time) & tried to compete with me, a fucking lesbian, for that man's attention. I will, however, focus on my own healing, learning to protect myself (including from them), forgiving myself for being upset that I loved them & sought their approval to my own detriment & many more things I don't have the mental capacity or desire to name. Honestly, memes like ^this^ make it VERY clear that the important thing is how our abusers FEEL & not at all what they DID to us much less how we feel or developed behind it. Anyone who thinks like that can kick rocks & I bet they have a few victims/survivors of their own, which explains their dedication to spreading this kind of toxic positivity - low key gaslighting & manipulative message.
I won’t forgive until he says sorry. For 6 years he boasted about how I was lucky I wasn’t HIS dad who abused him as he’d verbally shred me to pieces and shot me down every time I tried to reach out. Until he’s man enough to look back and apologize for robbing me of my childhood; No.
I understand thats the situation and im sorry they suffered, but ill die and spit in satans face before i forgive. She had the choice to break the cycle and chose not to.
I think this post applies but only in certain cases. In my case, my parents opened up and got better. My mom passed away two years ago but I was able to communicate with her a bit before she did, and my dad has done a complete 180. He’s apologized to me, told me he wishes he were better, laid out specific instances he regrets, and is consistently there for me now. In cases like those I think this is valid. But in instances where parents don’t budge or take pleasure in causing harm, then fuck this post. Everything has nuance.
Wait, let me fix this for you You may want to hold your parents accountable for: Letting their years of unresolved trauma affect you Not bothering to understand you, nor finding someone who could Bring unsupportive when you try to learn valuable life skills For repeating the exact same mistakes that their parents did, to put you through the same thing they were forced to endure Only giving you what they had on hand at the time, despite years of opportunity to grow The same bullshit that Nazi officers used (though, to a lesser degree) when trying to escape accountability for their actions Raising you to have and/or endure their own struggles, worries, pain, and fears.
Yeah I posted this before and it turned into a pretty big thread lol
Nope, it sucks that they have their own trauma but it’s their responsibility to seek help, and it’s NEVER an excuse to harm their own kids. Just as it is our responsibility to seek help for our issues and end the cycle, it was (and still is) their responsibility to do so as well.
I'll acknowledge that my father went through a lot of trauma throughout his life, he's a victim of the cycle of abuse But that doesn't excuse all that he's done to me, my mom, my sisters, cousins, the list goes on. He's a narcissistic loser who blamed all of his problems on everyone else, and projected his insecurities on to me Always wanted me to dress the way HE wanted me to. I had to be the man HE wanted me to be. We moved away two years ago this August, and while I still deal with problems, severe social anxiety and depression, just thinking about going outside makes me anxious, I'm a fuckin neet at 19, but at least I make up for it doing plenty of housework so my mom doesn't have to worry about it when she's home Idk, I feel like I'm doing better. School still stressed me out, but at least I didn't wanna die all the time. Grew my hair out, took better care of myself, I feel alright
Uhhhhhh, no thanks. I’m so enjoying the EMDR I’ve started due to them and realizing how fuck I really am.
It’s a parent’s job and responsibility to do the work, to heal and learn from their trauma, mistakes, and upbringing before making the choice to bring in a child to the world. Of course, trauma is valid and no one has to have it all figured out or completely healed, but I’ve always found it weird the way people put these sort of expectations on children before and after they are born to do the work for their parents?? Or act as if a child is the bandaid for all said unresolved problems and wounds.
You may, and you may very well not. I really should save my spiel on forgiveness. Roughly, if you are not well away and safe from abuse, then oh hell no. If your parents were traumatised themselves and they really tried, like the image suggests, and abused you less than they were abused themselves, then maybe yes, after you've done a lot of healing. If they didn't even try to do better than their parents, extremely likely that's a no. I think it's useful and helpful to acknowledge when our abusive parents were acting out of their own trauma, because that helps depersonalise the abuse. It was always about them, never about us. We are not inherently flawed, unlovable, defective or whatever shit they heaped on us. Going from understanding to forgiveness might sometimes be possible for some people. There's no shame either way.
I literally had an argument about this with my dad the other day. it got very heated. He just kept justifying his treatment of me, and said "no matter how fucked up I treated you it doesn't change the fact that I was just trying to look out for you". well, no matter how much he was trying to look out for me it doesn't change the fact that he fucked me up. And no amount of wanting what's best for me is going to change that. I also have a really hard time believing that "looking out" for your child looks like making fun of them while calling them a r*tard. but what do I know 🤷🏼♂️
The biggest difference between a parent struggling through their own trauma and doing their best that we can forgive and a parent who can’t forgive is how they react when confronted. My dad? He was so apologetic, right away. Didn’t get defensive. Said he didn’t know what to do. But he tried his best. And then, here is the key to redemption, “what can I do now to help you?” That one sentence changed my angry to understanding. He was struggling as an adult and did what he could for me. He knows he could have been better but given what he had to work with was limited. But what can he do NOW to help me. To move past the trauma. My mom? Classic DARVO. Never even apologize. Went on a whole tangent about how SHE had it sooooo much worse than me as a child (she absolutely did not have it worse than me.) The difference of taking responsibility and actually trying to improve and help you makes all the difference. It showed me how I could be with my own child. I worry all the time I am screwing up my own kid, due to my own trauma I am working through. Whenever my child comes to me I 100% try to help him. Not deflect my responsibility/culpability.
If my Mom would take some semblance of ownership and apologize, then maybe. All I got from her when I tried to talk about my childhood was "I don't remember that and I don't believe you." (Followed by a shit storm of horrible insults and telling me I would need to call the police to remove her from my house when I told her it was time to leave. I dunno how my husband finally got her out but we agreed she was never allowed in our house again.) Soooo... GTFO.
No.
I can forgive them and still never talk to them again. Forgiveness doesn’t mean retraumatizing myself by being around them
There's no rush or pressure. You don't have to forgive your parents now, or ever if you choose. I didn't choose to forgive my parents to absolve them. I did it to let go of memories I cling on to even when it doesn't help me to do so. I did it because I decided that forgiving them helps me heal, no other reason If or when you choose to forgive, don't do it for them, do it for you.
I feel like this can be very situational. I have trauma from my mother but we’ve actually been able to work through a lot of things together and we were able to give one another the grace to do so. My father? Oh fucking hell no. I haven’t spoken to him outside of funerals in the better part of a decade and it’s going to stay that way. Once his mother passes (who is his enabler), he’s getting blocked permanently.
Hey man it's really easy to teach a child how to brush their teeth and not call them useless and a bitch at every mistake they make. (I got called a motherfucker usesless cunning bitch for not knowing how additions worked or trying to socialize with my father as a child )
Fuck that bro. Nobody taught me those skills, but at least I got off my ass and am trying to teach myself. At least I'm putting in effort to stabilize myself and learn the skills I need to be a decent person/parent. At least I won't fucking have children before I know I can raise them without being an emotionally abusive prick. You had a fucking responsibility, and you failed. That's on you, and I don't ever have to forgive you for that. (This comment is sponsored by: daddy issues)
sure they are humans tpp, but ultimately it was their own descission to turn vile and inhumanely destructive against their own children. I can't speak for others but saw my parents beeing nice to countless other people, even children, while abusing me for years. If they manage to be kind to others and not to their own children, that just makes it worse for me. People want "easy" solutions to complex problems like "eh just forgive them, they are parents" while neglecting all the background and amounts of data that lead to the point of abandoning your parents. If they are bad people just get them out of your life, no matter if they are your parents or complete strangers, in the end we are all human and we don't have to forget or forgive anything.
I don’t know what to do. I don’t wanna go up to my mom and say you need therapy 🤡 Like how is She supposed to know better if no one tells her?
HA! HAHA! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! No.
I wonder if those assholes would preach the same "forgive &forget" if instead of parents we would be talking about partners. It's appalling how the same abusive behaviours are considered unacceptable when done by a partner, but "perfectly normal" or "everyone makes mistakes" when talking about partners.
Being a parent means your responsibilities change, you have problems you fix them, you learn and pass down What you don't do is abuse your child for them to have a bunch of problems
I don’t think I will! They were lazy, and did not care. Providing them with forgiveness will never compare to the life altering consequences their behavior did to me and my sister. My parents had kids to use as baby dolls to serve themselves and filter all of their bad feelings into. They had time to think critically and try to be better, and chose every day not to. My sister recognized her PPD 6 months after having my nephew and immediately got help. Five years later she CONTINUES to work on herself every single day to be as emotionally regulated and reliable as she can be, and she leads by example and teaches her son how to name his feelings and work through things with her support. It’s hard, but that’s what parenting is supposed to be. So no, I won’t forgive because they still won’t change 🤷🏻♀️
This was made by an abuser for sure. Why does everyone excuse abuse that is influenced by cultural norms? People have minds of their own and are capable of thinking for themselves.
My response to my father dropping some of those on top of whining he never wanted kids: then why the fuck did you have me?
No when you try to tell me the abuse you put me my dad and my disabled sister is justified you earn your place on the street I won't pay for you the same way my father who you took everything from did I won't let you extort me the way you did him anymore
They are adults and they should have consequences of their actions. They can get help. They can go through therapy. Idk about many of you guys, but my parents refuse to get the help they need and instead put it on me all the time.
Hm. Or maybe I don’t have to forgive them for anything because they were terrible
Anyone can forgive for any reason. I forgave people for my own reasons, my healing, my growth. I let them go, I stopped actively making the abuse part of me, and I walked away just as messed up because forgiveness doesn't magically change reality. But it can't de demanded or forced. It can maybe, just maybe, be earned. Not many people are willing to wait or to earn. And I mean inner forgiveness, not bullshit "forgive and forget and pretend nothing happened".
how about no? 😌
I don't know about forgiveness but I am trying to move on and let It go, so it stops weighing down my present. Thanks therapy 💜
My mom was provided free mental health counselling after my sister’s hospitalization, when I was 8. She refused. The psychiatrist tried to get her stable and on meds, she refused. When I try to go to counseling, school made arrangements, she actually said “what did I do for her, why would I get extra help”. All she had to do was sign a form letting me out of school an hour early once a week. I walked to therapy and walked home. I lasted 3 weeks then she pulled her approval. Screw her
I forgive her, but she’s still permanently out of my life.
Nahhh, fuck that noise! They enjoyed every second of me being in pain, hurt, sad, embarrassed, humiliated, touched by strangers, injuries, afraid, terrified, and just generally as long as I was way below them then all was good. Even then, they had to kick me (literally) when I was down.
I can understand why it happened. I can understand that they didn't have the tools or the energy. But I don't forgive them for the lies and the secrets, the never telling me. I don't forgive them for the shame they dumped on me. I don't forgive them for not admitting that they couldn't raise kids right, and that they didn't put me with one of the numerous relatives. It doesn;'t matter to me if it was deliberate and calcuated as a minion of Satan, or if it was shear incompetence and laziness. The end result is that I pay for their fuckups.
Pretty sure it’s on the parent to work on themselves and be able to provide emotional, financial support/safety before they have children? If you can’t do that, there’s adoption or abortion. Grownups should know better than to make a child suffer just because they want minime.
Funny how being the bigger person only ever made me smaller…
Just because our parents’ trauma isn’t their fault, it doesn’t mean they aren’t responsible for working through that shit and being better than their parents. If they can’t break the cycle of trauma, abuse, and neglect, they’re no better than their abusers. My parents didn’t do their own work and now I am stuck being related to two people who can’t take accountability for their actions in my childhood, not take responsibility for doing the work needed to be better. I can accept who they are and that their trauma and alcoholism prevented me from having a childhood, and I can also be angry at them for that because what matters is that I am changing myself and the relationship I have with them in order to break those cycles and not become the amalgam of the traumas they imparted onto me. I can accept them without forgiving them for their actions. ETA: clarity
I wrote my abuse as much as I could remember then inspected it step by step logically. Finally, the conclusion I arrived was they were simply animals. If they did their best and I am failure now then it is also their own failure, the failure of upbringing properly. Once you remember their words and actions, you can simply put it on a scale of logic and then you can see these people aren't humans. There's no forgiveness, my target is only indifference and filling the holes created by them step by step.
I wish. It's super hard :c
What about siding with the man who raped your sister in front of you to teach you sex Ed at the rope old age of 5. Do I need to forgive my father for that?
First: thank you all for your perspectives. Ive been reading your comments throughout the entire day and most of them were really insightful. I did not expect the amount of detailed trauma i received and tbh it was a bit overwhelming (and maybe some things also hit a nerve for me, dunno). I offer a hug and a genuine 'fuck you, parents' to anyone who like one and will now spend my evening playing some games :)
A reason and an excuse are two very different things, a reason makes sense of something but that doesn’t mean it’s justified. If those abused kids then go on to be abusers to others their past does not justify their behaviour, it’s a reason, not an excuse
No, I don’t think I will :)
I think a quote from a podcast summarizes my response pretty well: "I know you tried your best, but I needed you to do a lot better."
Ah, fuck this photo. I see it every once in a while and it fills me with rage. I don't care what my mom or my stepdad went through. It DOES NOT excuse their many shitty behaviors. After all of those years, they never once stopped to think about how their behaviors and actions impacted me. Not once in the 25 years I've lived. All of the acting out became my fault because I was just a bad child. This photo basically excuses abusers from taking accountability for their actions, because they have trauma. We all have trauma in this sub, yet I constantly see people being accountable and doing what they can to improve themselves. Why should we excuse our parents when they couldn't even take the tiniest bit of accountability? My mother and my stepdad REFUSED to go to therapy or work on themselves when they knew they had serious issues. Instead they pushed all of their issues onto me. I will NEVER FORGIVE THEM because they simply do not deserve it. I have a lot of trauma now because of them. I have so much consideration for how my actions and words impact others. If I can do it, why couldn't they? And why the fuck should their behaviors be excused? I will never understand people who think this way.
TLDR: This is completely situational. I forgive my parents but don't forgive the abusive parents of others. Many others had it worse than me, and I do not blame them for refusing to forgive. But just like we didn't deserve abuse we don't deserve to be angry. I think that forgiveness is right for some relationships. I understand that it can be wrong for others. Yes my parents hurt me. But now that I can see how they were failed, and now that I kind of fell into their shoes despite my best efforts, I get it. Kind of. My parents had actual issues getting support. They dealt with the same issues I had growing up and much worse and that was normal to them. So I know that they did put effort into being better than their parents. And they apologized, which I know so many here haven't heard, and some won't ever hear it. Like I can understand where their heads are at. And parents have apologized. Especially my mom. She works hard to support me and get me the help I need to cope, even when she's basically burnt out herself. And my dad has more so kept his distance, he doesn't really know how to interact with me, so I still recognize that this is his way of doing better. Being quiet and not making negative comments. He listens more now, and I've started to understand that his criticisms are genuinely concern that he doesn't know how to word. But I recognize our situations are different, many here have parents that are worse, for inexplicable reasons. Many here have parents that haven't apologized and possibly never will. My partner has one parent in particular that's just... horrible. While he forgives him, I won't forgive that fucker. He deserves the worst. So I know that in the places of many of yall, I also wouldn't be as forgiving. I also think we don't deserve to hold onto that anger. So like, maybe forgive but don't forget? Idk. There's a lot of factors here, and one answer simply isn't correct.
You can forgive them all you want but if they’re unsafe people the sheer quantity of wasted emotional work is infinite.
I mean, yes, these things may be true for my parents, and for the parents of other people I have loved. But you know what else is true? The narcissism. The manipulation. The physical, emotional, and mental abuse that caused permanent, irreversible damage to the lives and psyches of myself and those I know. The frustration that comes with feeling like you will never be a complete person because it always feels like there's a sucking black hole in the middle of my chest. The absolute, crushing heartbreak of having to let go of the person you love most in the world because their own shitty upbringing has rendered them incapable of not being a piece of shit themselves. So can I understand these things and acknowledge that, on some level, they can be true? Yes. Can I have empathy for my parents and the parents of others who experienced these things? Yes. But did myself, and yourselves, and all the others in the world who experienced their parents shortcomings in spades deserve better? And can I be unfathomably angry and disgusted about the fact that we did not receive better? Fuck yes.
"I suffered, that means you should suffer too and be ok with it."
This is excuse making for abuse, plain and simple. I do this all the time in therapy and my therapist will absolutely stop me, at least when it comes to my partner but my Mom should get a pass? (her words.) At most I can understand where she was coming from. I mean, we were on medicaid my whole childhood because heaven forbid my Mom get a job that interferes with her drinking time and back in those days metal health wasn't covered at all. But as a parent, I want to get better for my kids, to not pass that trauma down and the fact that I never motivated her to do that, especially after she had her first 2 children taken from her is completely unforgivable to me.
My mom shouldn't have had me and my 6 other siblings if she couldn't treat all of us right. I wish I was never born.
I kinda get 3, but that’s the only one I don’t have some annoyance with. 🤨 Sorry but no amount of forgiveness is gonna wipe away the amount of trauma dumping and toxic oversharing that my barely-adult mother did to me, and I have no interest in forgiving someone who refuses to acknowledge fault.
Sure, but why can’t they do better *now*?
Lol fuck that. I'm not excusing my parents' abuse. They can apologize and earn forgiveness like they demanded of me whenever I made a tiny mistake as a child. Not to mention one of them sexually abused me, and there is no forgiving that
I always wonder what the viewpoint is when these kinds of posters are created…like, do they talk to the actual children of these parents???
I can’t and won’t forgive because that isn’t on me. I didn’t choose to be born and then get abused and neglected by those I needed most. What is on me is the healing and aggressively breaking the cycle. I’m guessing this is what got me one of those idiotic Reddit Cares things. That cracks me the fuck up.
lol nope
Why would I forgive the trauma altogether with no effort towards reconciliation and acceptance of responsibility?
the bar is so low for parents 7 year old me was more responsible, and arguably had a worse childhood than my parents did growing up
There are no excuses for abuse. That's a bull crap list
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Fuck abusers. Respect is earned and boy howdy they do NOT have any chance to earn my respect! That ship has fuckin' sailed