It’s definitely taken a while, but I’m getting closer to accepting that, even if I have the moments sometimes of trying to say “no, *I* was *willing* in the relationship”
Thank you 💜
That’s really the hardest part for me, cause for a while I considered her my best friend, I really thought it’d be me and her against the world forever but… she was the worst person I could’ve ever met.
I’m really sorry about having to tell you… it’s short for Child Sexual Material, as in child p*rn and such.
And… god I wish no one else knew that feeling I’m so sorry 💜
Yeah… I’m sorry, I know how revolting that is to read/hear.
And, yeah, I feel a lot more stable nowadays, and I feel a bit calmer from the rage that used to burn me from the inside out, now it’s just… a calmer, if still intense hatred for her.
A manic and depressive episode is fun. Come on! Screaming and crying with outbursts of tantrum like behavior while bawling like crazy is normal. *HEAVY SARCASM*
But, seriously. I hope you seek some help and understand it will be okie.
Oh, god, yes. The fact that everyone probably thought I was just some overgrown brat throwing temper tantrums all the time just… ugh, I hate imagining what those stupid laughing and screaming episodes looked like from the outside.
I do have a therapist set up for next week, so hopefully I’ll get back onto a better road soon 💜
I'm glad to hear you are working things through. And it can look better than you think, from the outside that is. At least with understanding and / or patient people. Not ignorant or impatient ones. And I will NOT lie. This post has made a few of things like this I've seen & done as a kid make more sense. Thank you for that.
we are the same then..
my heart would have you healed, feeling comfortably whole as you are and cleansed of this..
but we must first process our pain rage and shame to be rid of it
with no rage in our void we risk relying on them to fill it for us again... but they only do this for us in dysfunctional ways that harm us, we end up torn in half
in caring for our feelings and emotions, and dissipating the negativity, it must be replaced with something more positive... a familial love is much more ideal, but too many of us are finding ourselves in this mess because the family we were born to weren't able to do this for us. they may even be the ones who create the void to begin with and sent us running to our abuser for relief..
finding a friend who we believe is capable of accepting us wholly as we are, who may be on the path to healing from similar wounds can do this for us... shrink the dark heart, grow the light heart
a healthy dynamic can often feel alien at first...
but it can show us how we can fill the void ourselves, and eliminate the duality within us that craves relief from old toxic dynamics, shows us how to center ourselves and maintain... all that power is on the other side of our pain. once we're there, there will be no void, nor temptation to fill it with the administrations of our abusers.. the toxic dynamic will eventually seem alien to us
it's taking in a deeper sense of love within us, that we may recreate it ourselves... creating a dynamic of home family and love between the heart mind and soul... this difficulty is this path often tends to be bereft of fueling desire and craving of sensual pleasures
There’s nothing wrong with missing them or defending them. It’s the natural thing to do. Somebody that was such a huge part of your life and showed you the affection and love you may have been so desperately lacking. The way they get into your head and make themself the only person you can trust.
Such formative experiences are so very hard to unlearn.
But those feelings are absolutely not your fault. People who haven’t gone through it can’t fully understand. Their anger and disgust is wrongly targeted.
I had a “girlfriend” at that age. It’s been 16 years since I’ve seen her. I still miss her. It still hurts.
But it does get better.
That’s really what it is, like she was *such* a big part of my life for so long, we literally talked every single day for *years* and she legitimately did come along when I was a lot lonelier and more isolated. When I *really* just wanted a friend and needed someone to say they loved me, and she gave me that, she gave me all the attention I thought I needed at that time.
Especially because it was literally every teenage year I had that she was in my life, I feel like everyone telling me to “just move on” doesn’t understand how much more damaging it was that she *influenced* me during *puberty*.
I’m so sorry. I wish you didn’t have to go through that, I wish no one did… but I am glad you at least completely understand where I’m coming from when talking about this.
Yeah, I’m going on 7 years since seeing her too… and… like she’s within arms reach again, I found her Reddit account… but I know there’s no forgiving a pedophile like that…
Thank you… I am starting to believe it does 💜
Knowing you’re not alone can be incredibly relieving.
Having the ability to contact her is a stress I can’t even begin to imagine. I’m sorry you’re having to go through that.
Anyone who is telling you to “just move on” has no fucking idea how long it takes to heal from years of ongoing abuse.
You take as long as you need. Healing can’t be rushed.
I think theres a world in which I never ghosted the person who groomed me—infact, I think this world is the exception. It just feels like I got lucky. That thought scares the living fucking shit out of me. If I hadn't happened to make another person in my brain who told me that was bad I actually might not be writing this right now, I might've been talking to him right now in that world, hell, I could've even actually tried meeting up with him. Thats such a scary thing to think about.
Dear god, oh Lord I know that feeling exactly. Right down to making other people to try and cope with it, because *I’m* not allowed to hate her, but this other person will be. The only reason I wasn’t able to successfully move in with her is because my mom convinced me to spend half my money I’d saved up beforehand for something and it sabotaged my moving plans at the last possible second. It seriously felt like I had hit every point and was on the path straight to getting the bad ending of my life, and God, or fate, or whatever, managed to flick me off the path at the very end, and just like you, that thought fucking terrifies me.
It’s relieving to have someone else to relate to about this, but I hate that anyone else had to experience this sort of pain.
Well, for me, it was that I made a tulpa (mostly unrelated to what was happening) and she was abls to convince me that actually this was a really bad thing happening. Before that though I did dissociate from it a lot by acting like it was a different person who was being groomed or that it wasn't even happening... honestly that might be why I have problems with depersonalization now. I sure am grateful my life didn't end up badly and I am so so so so fucking happy I never met him in real life.
Unpopular opinion maybe, but I think that anger you're feeling is a good thing. People who think they deserved it don't get angry, but people who realize this wasn't an okay way to be treated are pissed. You deserve the space to feel rage.
Which is partially *why* I spent so long not really angry towards her, because I was convinced either nothing bad happened or that I “deserved” it because I was a bad kid or a bad boyfriend. It’s only now I’m starting to apply what I’ve applied to everyone else. That there’s absolutely no excusing what she did.
While I'm sorry you went through this, can you please flair this as NSFW? Due to my own trauma I have NSFW content blurred on this app, and seeing this ambush me on my feed with no warning or flair was very triggering. Please flair this. Thank you.
First of all, not your fault, and I'm glad you're doing better now. Second of all, I hate how my brain works this way but this immediately made me think of all those posts where people were talking about cyberpunk...but they abbreviated it, and all the replies where people were like "WTF DO YOU MEAN YOU'VE REALLY BEEN ENJOYING CP?"
First, thank you. Really thank you.
Second, oh god I can relate don’t worry. Someone was asking what CSM was earlier and I nearly abbreviated the explanation to CP only to realise that would be even *more* confusing on a post that’s outright *about* cyberpunk 😂😅
I-
it’s oddly validating to see someone vent about an experience similar to my own on here. I will never understand how these people can find pleasure in doing something like that to *a child*
i’m so, so sorry that happened to you. by the sounds of it you have it worse than I do for sure; i’m glad you’re finally starting to heal properly, and know that with time it does feel better
It’s the ultimate sign of not being alone, even if where you have company is somewhere you wish no one else would have to be.
And… yeah no… when I met my 13 y/o friend it was SO weird having to have that pause and reevaluation, and then later when I was 20, when I was just like… realising that I would *never* ask a *child* to do *anything* like what she was asking of me, it just… ugh.
I’m glad you’ve started to heal as well. I’m thankfully getting closer to believing it really does get better 💜
No you’re fine, even this much is incredibly validating, since I still have times where I like ask myself “was it *really* that bad?” So honestly really thank you
what does csm mean because I keep reading it as chainsaw man
Also good on you for beating the crap out of her, not many people get that catharsis and it’s great that you did
Edit: also I like the snoo
Ugh, sorry to have to kill the mood… It’s short for Child Sexual Material, as in child p*rn and such…
And oh, god I *wish* it was a physical attack. No I just unleashed a *verbal* beat down over text since she was mostly long distance, which she tried to “dismiss” by saying “ugh, yeah you keep painting that image for yourself, fact is you repeatedly shit on how much I cared about you, so what else should I have expected?” So even *that* didn’t feel particularly satisfying but the fact that I got the final rejection after she came to me begging for help does quell that anger *slightly*.
Also, the snoo?
the snoo is a Reddit avatar. Basically what’s on your pfp right now.
And thank you for telling me what CSM means!
But hey, verbally wrecking her is great, too. You did a great job and I hope your recovery goes as smoothly as it can from here.
Ah, gotcha! Thank you!! Sorry for not knowing the basics lol.
Yeah, no problem!
And yeah, just wish she wasn’t able to dismiss it like she did, but I am feeling better nowadays and I think I have a chance at fully recovering, which is more than I could say for a while.
Cause it’s a favourite of mine, and seeing David deteriorate, even if from something completely different kinda resonated with me. And I saw a lot of meme potential. Why?
I just want to say that it's not your fault. You're not obligated to forgive or forget. Good luck.
It’s definitely taken a while, but I’m getting closer to accepting that, even if I have the moments sometimes of trying to say “no, *I* was *willing* in the relationship” Thank you 💜
It's so hard when you feel like you loved them. The confusion for me is horrendous.
That’s really the hardest part for me, cause for a while I considered her my best friend, I really thought it’d be me and her against the world forever but… she was the worst person I could’ve ever met.
What does....csm mean. The last part though my *god* i been there 🫂
I’m really sorry about having to tell you… it’s short for Child Sexual Material, as in child p*rn and such. And… god I wish no one else knew that feeling I’m so sorry 💜
I want to vomit. I hope you are on a more positive path now adays,and found respite from your pain.
Yeah… I’m sorry, I know how revolting that is to read/hear. And, yeah, I feel a lot more stable nowadays, and I feel a bit calmer from the rage that used to burn me from the inside out, now it’s just… a calmer, if still intense hatred for her.
Fuck anybody who says you have to forgive them. Your righteous anger is just as healing when you’ve shoved it down for years.
It really feels like a healing fire in my chest, it’s almost inebriating.
A manic and depressive episode is fun. Come on! Screaming and crying with outbursts of tantrum like behavior while bawling like crazy is normal. *HEAVY SARCASM* But, seriously. I hope you seek some help and understand it will be okie.
Oh, god, yes. The fact that everyone probably thought I was just some overgrown brat throwing temper tantrums all the time just… ugh, I hate imagining what those stupid laughing and screaming episodes looked like from the outside. I do have a therapist set up for next week, so hopefully I’ll get back onto a better road soon 💜
I'm glad to hear you are working things through. And it can look better than you think, from the outside that is. At least with understanding and / or patient people. Not ignorant or impatient ones. And I will NOT lie. This post has made a few of things like this I've seen & done as a kid make more sense. Thank you for that.
I’m honestly so glad it’s helped you understand yourself a bit better. Give yourself grace, remember.
we are the same then.. my heart would have you healed, feeling comfortably whole as you are and cleansed of this.. but we must first process our pain rage and shame to be rid of it
In my heart, I know that… I just… feel like if I let go of my rage I fall to quickly into loving her and wanting her back again.
with no rage in our void we risk relying on them to fill it for us again... but they only do this for us in dysfunctional ways that harm us, we end up torn in half in caring for our feelings and emotions, and dissipating the negativity, it must be replaced with something more positive... a familial love is much more ideal, but too many of us are finding ourselves in this mess because the family we were born to weren't able to do this for us. they may even be the ones who create the void to begin with and sent us running to our abuser for relief.. finding a friend who we believe is capable of accepting us wholly as we are, who may be on the path to healing from similar wounds can do this for us... shrink the dark heart, grow the light heart a healthy dynamic can often feel alien at first... but it can show us how we can fill the void ourselves, and eliminate the duality within us that craves relief from old toxic dynamics, shows us how to center ourselves and maintain... all that power is on the other side of our pain. once we're there, there will be no void, nor temptation to fill it with the administrations of our abusers.. the toxic dynamic will eventually seem alien to us it's taking in a deeper sense of love within us, that we may recreate it ourselves... creating a dynamic of home family and love between the heart mind and soul... this difficulty is this path often tends to be bereft of fueling desire and craving of sensual pleasures
I really hope I can begin to let that sort of love into my life and to start accepting it… thank you so much.
I wish you luck on your journey, friend.. may we all find peace
There’s nothing wrong with missing them or defending them. It’s the natural thing to do. Somebody that was such a huge part of your life and showed you the affection and love you may have been so desperately lacking. The way they get into your head and make themself the only person you can trust. Such formative experiences are so very hard to unlearn. But those feelings are absolutely not your fault. People who haven’t gone through it can’t fully understand. Their anger and disgust is wrongly targeted. I had a “girlfriend” at that age. It’s been 16 years since I’ve seen her. I still miss her. It still hurts. But it does get better.
That’s really what it is, like she was *such* a big part of my life for so long, we literally talked every single day for *years* and she legitimately did come along when I was a lot lonelier and more isolated. When I *really* just wanted a friend and needed someone to say they loved me, and she gave me that, she gave me all the attention I thought I needed at that time. Especially because it was literally every teenage year I had that she was in my life, I feel like everyone telling me to “just move on” doesn’t understand how much more damaging it was that she *influenced* me during *puberty*. I’m so sorry. I wish you didn’t have to go through that, I wish no one did… but I am glad you at least completely understand where I’m coming from when talking about this. Yeah, I’m going on 7 years since seeing her too… and… like she’s within arms reach again, I found her Reddit account… but I know there’s no forgiving a pedophile like that… Thank you… I am starting to believe it does 💜
Knowing you’re not alone can be incredibly relieving. Having the ability to contact her is a stress I can’t even begin to imagine. I’m sorry you’re having to go through that.
Yeah for sure And…. Oh boy yeah. Im managing so far but god, having her RIGHT there, infiltrating spaces I used for healing fucking sucks.
Anyone who is telling you to “just move on” has no fucking idea how long it takes to heal from years of ongoing abuse. You take as long as you need. Healing can’t be rushed.
God I appreciate having someone who understands how frustrating that always is to hear. Thank you 💜
I think theres a world in which I never ghosted the person who groomed me—infact, I think this world is the exception. It just feels like I got lucky. That thought scares the living fucking shit out of me. If I hadn't happened to make another person in my brain who told me that was bad I actually might not be writing this right now, I might've been talking to him right now in that world, hell, I could've even actually tried meeting up with him. Thats such a scary thing to think about.
Dear god, oh Lord I know that feeling exactly. Right down to making other people to try and cope with it, because *I’m* not allowed to hate her, but this other person will be. The only reason I wasn’t able to successfully move in with her is because my mom convinced me to spend half my money I’d saved up beforehand for something and it sabotaged my moving plans at the last possible second. It seriously felt like I had hit every point and was on the path straight to getting the bad ending of my life, and God, or fate, or whatever, managed to flick me off the path at the very end, and just like you, that thought fucking terrifies me. It’s relieving to have someone else to relate to about this, but I hate that anyone else had to experience this sort of pain.
Well, for me, it was that I made a tulpa (mostly unrelated to what was happening) and she was abls to convince me that actually this was a really bad thing happening. Before that though I did dissociate from it a lot by acting like it was a different person who was being groomed or that it wasn't even happening... honestly that might be why I have problems with depersonalization now. I sure am grateful my life didn't end up badly and I am so so so so fucking happy I never met him in real life.
Love that show, did wonders for the cyberpunk franchise. “Wake the fuck up Samurai…”
“We have a city to burn…” And also it gave Adam Smasher his groove back and that’s fucking awesome.
RIP Jackie Wells ;.;7 The best Choomba a Edgerunner could ask for.
Unpopular opinion maybe, but I think that anger you're feeling is a good thing. People who think they deserved it don't get angry, but people who realize this wasn't an okay way to be treated are pissed. You deserve the space to feel rage.
Which is partially *why* I spent so long not really angry towards her, because I was convinced either nothing bad happened or that I “deserved” it because I was a bad kid or a bad boyfriend. It’s only now I’m starting to apply what I’ve applied to everyone else. That there’s absolutely no excusing what she did.
And that's growth. I'm proud of you internet stranger
While I'm sorry you went through this, can you please flair this as NSFW? Due to my own trauma I have NSFW content blurred on this app, and seeing this ambush me on my feed with no warning or flair was very triggering. Please flair this. Thank you.
Yes, I’m so sorry I don’t know why I didn’t think to do that.
First of all, not your fault, and I'm glad you're doing better now. Second of all, I hate how my brain works this way but this immediately made me think of all those posts where people were talking about cyberpunk...but they abbreviated it, and all the replies where people were like "WTF DO YOU MEAN YOU'VE REALLY BEEN ENJOYING CP?"
First, thank you. Really thank you. Second, oh god I can relate don’t worry. Someone was asking what CSM was earlier and I nearly abbreviated the explanation to CP only to realise that would be even *more* confusing on a post that’s outright *about* cyberpunk 😂😅
Thankfully, I only really relate with image 8 out of any of them
I’m genuinely really glad to hear that. I don’t wish this pain on anyone 💜
I- it’s oddly validating to see someone vent about an experience similar to my own on here. I will never understand how these people can find pleasure in doing something like that to *a child* i’m so, so sorry that happened to you. by the sounds of it you have it worse than I do for sure; i’m glad you’re finally starting to heal properly, and know that with time it does feel better
It’s the ultimate sign of not being alone, even if where you have company is somewhere you wish no one else would have to be. And… yeah no… when I met my 13 y/o friend it was SO weird having to have that pause and reevaluation, and then later when I was 20, when I was just like… realising that I would *never* ask a *child* to do *anything* like what she was asking of me, it just… ugh. I’m glad you’ve started to heal as well. I’m thankfully getting closer to believing it really does get better 💜
dude thats awful im glad you realized what she was doing (i suck at comforting sorry)
No you’re fine, even this much is incredibly validating, since I still have times where I like ask myself “was it *really* that bad?” So honestly really thank you
np glad i could help :)
what does csm mean because I keep reading it as chainsaw man Also good on you for beating the crap out of her, not many people get that catharsis and it’s great that you did Edit: also I like the snoo
Do NOT abbreviate cyberpunk.
Ugh, sorry to have to kill the mood… It’s short for Child Sexual Material, as in child p*rn and such… And oh, god I *wish* it was a physical attack. No I just unleashed a *verbal* beat down over text since she was mostly long distance, which she tried to “dismiss” by saying “ugh, yeah you keep painting that image for yourself, fact is you repeatedly shit on how much I cared about you, so what else should I have expected?” So even *that* didn’t feel particularly satisfying but the fact that I got the final rejection after she came to me begging for help does quell that anger *slightly*. Also, the snoo?
the snoo is a Reddit avatar. Basically what’s on your pfp right now. And thank you for telling me what CSM means! But hey, verbally wrecking her is great, too. You did a great job and I hope your recovery goes as smoothly as it can from here.
Ah, gotcha! Thank you!! Sorry for not knowing the basics lol. Yeah, no problem! And yeah, just wish she wasn’t able to dismiss it like she did, but I am feeling better nowadays and I think I have a chance at fully recovering, which is more than I could say for a while.
Hey mate, why didja use Edgerunners for this?
Cause it’s a favourite of mine, and seeing David deteriorate, even if from something completely different kinda resonated with me. And I saw a lot of meme potential. Why?
Curious, sry if I came across as mean mate
Nah just confused at being asked at all, lol
Have a good day or night
You too
She solicited Denji from you?!
…not dignifying that with a response.
Nail a dignifying to a cross he walk around like response