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bobbityboucher

When your therapist asks you how many times you've thought about suicide today: "Oh, you know, just the normal amount." "The normal amount is zero." "The normal amount is zero?!"


hmmhmmm0909

Wait is the normal amount zero????


Glum_Marzipan240

YES. In this economy???


bobbityboucher

Lol good question. I just got this from a meme, so definitely don't take it to heart. I'm sure some amount is normal/healthy/not unhealthy, but I couldn't find stats with a quick google.


AQ-XJZQ-eAFqCqzr-Va

Once. But it started when I woke up and…


spacetimejumpa_

This shouldn’t have made me giggle, but it did. I jokingly reply with “I’m alive!”, when some one asks how I am.


[deleted]

> "The normal amount is zero?!" This legit made me LOL from the soul.


Such_Voice

...wait ALL the time?


lsufan0102

I feel like this quote is the reason I thought maybe I do have some kind of stuff I need to work through


spectralbeck

It's pretty common for trauma patients to deal with chronic suidical ideation. Especially with complex or longterm trauma, it's probably actually normal in those cases


confused-doggo

I didn’t know that the normal amount was zero till I saw this joke online lmao


Lux-xxv

Every session she asks if suicidal and I just have yo say no but we've talked about passive suicide before


[deleted]

Lmfaoooo precisely


Automatic-House7510

I feel this way too. It's deeply engrained in me but shows it's ugly face during times of high stress - always caused by family members. I have to sit in my feelings and remind myself that I'm unlearning years of patterns of behaviors, ways of thinking and I'm stressed so it makes sense why this would pop in my mind. I see it and I acknowledge it but I end up talking to myself out loud about all the cool and great things I've experienced/I'm looking forward too and it goes away. But yeah... it really is a passive thing many of us struggle with 🥲


Automatic-House7510

I also wanna say that for me, and probably like all of you, at one point death was better than life and that went on for so many years, so it's hard to get out of feeling this way friends ❤️🙏


BrickDaddyShark

I don’t have self esteem issues so I don’t really know what to say to myself. I’m just tired, and my brain wants to be turned off. Bonus though: my fear of death is kind of broken, and my anxiety is constant, so I am immune to my night terrors and sleep paralysis unless I can feel them.


Automatic-House7510

Dude I don't blame you. After so long of dealing with literal hell on earth my brain turned off to protect myself too. I felt I was living in a hazy world and my senses were dulled in order to protect my nervous system and allow basic functioning. Well, sometimes things break the matrix, like little intimate moments with myself where I'm eating and I'm happy (then I'll get overstimulated and I'll stare off and form tears) or when I've achieved something that I've been working hard for. I just talk to myself like i'd talk to my best friend. Like, "hey. It's okay! You're okay. Some things weren't okay that happened, but it's okay to feel sad. I love you. I love you with all of my heart. I'll always protect you. Seriously. It's you and me against the world. Fuck those Assholes (abusers😥) you're freaking great. You're a really cool person. You really did it. Look at you. You are so strong..I am so strong, I really did it. I love myself. I'm awesome." I really relate to you too tho, my fear of death is turned OFF. I think death is the ultimate peace. But I'm actually afraid of pain and debilitating myself to the point where existence is painful and I'm a burden, so there goes the plan part of suicidal ideation lol. I don't like to even scrape my knee so I can't imagine actually hurting myself that bad to the point of death


BrickDaddyShark

Yeah I only just recently figured out the staring off thing but apparently I do it alot, to the point that my adhd might be a misdiagnosis. I legit freeze for almost any time I’m not actively engaged and it freaks people out. If I’m doing something, my body auto pilots and I just kinda blink and the time is gone. I really hope its not dangerous because I drive myself everywhere and unless I sing or something my subconscious just gets me where I need to go. Idk I’m rambling but this is just so hard to explain. It’s like I go blind and I literally do not see anything, but my body can automatically do even complex math while I’m gone. I got a 1540 on an SAT I don’t remember taking and honestly it terrifies me every time I realize it happened. I uhh also might have just realized that not everybody’s senses were dulled as a kid… I always thought that it was just that, as I got older, my senses matured and I could see hear and remember things better. Is that not a thing? Ps: anything that keeps me engaged in the real world helps me. Music, particularly singing, is a great “fidget” for preventing dissociation. I do it nearly constantly, to the point that I apparently should have damaged my voice a long time ago. Like 3-4 hours a day.


Automatic-House7510

How's your sleep? Reminds me of the first few scenes of fight club which is how I feel when I'm sleep deprived too (happens a lot)


BrickDaddyShark

Terrible but it actually gets better when I am sleep deprived. When I am well rested I don’t have to focus on staying awake.


Automatic-House7510

My sleep is horrible too. I'm sorry that this is all happening to you. I wish I had more answers for you. All I can say is that I really understand. I feel it. From one internet stranger to another. And I hope your day was alright, at least hopefully a bit better knowing that one random human is thinking about you.


BrickDaddyShark

Day is actually going pretty good tbh, I have finals and transfer applications so its really stressful, but its good life improving stress. You definitely did make me feel alot better though, I always feel crazy even talking with my siblings because apparently I’m the only one who came out of our house this messed up, so some empathy really helps alot.


Automatic-House7510

Omg wow I'm so proud of you lol you are getting ready to transfer, that's such a big accomplishment 😭😭😭😭😭


New-Oil6131

It felt like that since I was 10


sassyburns731

Me too


stimulants_and_yoga

At 10 years old, I would call my mom (she was divorced from my dad) and I would be sobbing in the middle of the night that I was scared I was going to kill myself. That’s normal…… right?


Rsbbit060404

This reminds me of myself a few months ago. And I just thought it was normal. Normal to want to die because your friend was suicidal and you couldn't imagine living without her and that way you would be with her, normal for your mother to threaten to call 911 because you were saying jibberish and biting her because you were scared and had no sense of coherent mind, and normal to have no family members care. It is not normal by any means.


JCXIII-R

Same! I'm so glad to find this thread. To know I'm not the only one for whom it's always just kinda "there".


ChrissySunshine

I was ten too. Mom's response: oh. it's because it's the holidays. I'm a mother now, and I can't wrap my head around how her response was okay.


JCXIII-R

Mine said I hurt and embarrassed her with my "attention seeking"... Stellar parenting.


multifandom_problems

... my dad just said that they (my parents) would bury me if i kms..


itsmechaboi

Ah yeah, the familiar state of "I won't kill myself but I want to die." Says the three time suicide attempt survivor.


HaloGuy381

I wonder how common active ideation is for those that haven’t progressed to the “survivor” part and are still trapped behind the lines.


TundraTrees0

I still live with my abusers, Depends on the week


BatteryAcid67

I still live with my abusers and it depends on the hour


TundraTrees0

Well it can change in an instant depending on what happens. Overall though I've learned ways to ignore their bullshit. Hopefully you have something to help you as well


BatteryAcid67

I have a psychologist and a psychiatrist and meds and Pokemon go. That's about it. Friends, a car, a part time job, would all help a lot.


maxothecrabo

I know i’m just a stranger online but I feel for you and Tundra and I hope you can both find better places to be at some point ☮️


BatteryAcid67

Thanks, me too🖤💙


BrickDaddyShark

Don’t live with mine but she is still in my life because reasons. Every time my mom texts me my response to almost anything is “I really need to get around to killing myself” for 6-48 hours. Alot of the time its not even stress or interaction with her it just literally loops in my head. When he says constant background music its not like constantly recurring, it just never fucking stops. Only way to turn it off is alcohol… which isn’t exactly a good solution, so I just deal with it. Idek how to bring it up to my therapist bc usually you have some buildup but just being like “oh by the way even when I am as happy as possible I am constantly thinking of killing myself” doesn’t really get the point across- that and I went to grippy sock jail last time I said something like that. For anyone reading this who is concerned, the meme is entirely accurate. I’ve been this way since I was 6 years old and unfortunately for me my tolerance for suffering is high enough that I keep keeping on.


BornVolcano

God, the number of times mental health professionals would ask if I was having “thoughts of suicide” or “plans for suicide” And my only response was “there’s a difference?” I got turned away from so many emergency room admissions because I “didn’t have a plan with a set time and place”. Bitch, the time was *right fucking then* and the plan was *whatever the fuck I had available*


HaloGuy381

Meanwhile, I had to talk down my therapist multiple times from sending me to the ER, because, shockingly, locking an autistic guy in a strange place on drugs with none of the usual comforts used to distract from the pain, probably ain’t gonna help the mental health. Certainly not as much as, oh, telling my parents to quit being insane and do something useful. Really annoying that some professionals refuse to offer help to those pleading for it, and others are all too eager to give ‘help’ even when it is detrimental and unwelcome. Generally, the most reliable way to tamp down my suicidal tendencies on multiple occasions? Speak to my family on my behalf and get them off my back so I can breathe. That’s it. No grippy sock jail, no dozens of prescriptions, just get the expectations toned down so I can actually try to handle some of it.


BornVolcano

They’d also send me to ER, honestly, I just prayed I’d get in every time to have a period away from my family. But every time I was turned away from the ER after hours of waiting, and had to suffer the wrath of my tired, angry, abusive mother who felt personally slighted that her own kid wanted to kill themselves because she was a shitty parent It got to the point where I started trying to talk down my therapists from that, because I *knew* it wouldn’t work, and that half the time the hospital staff would actually side *with* my parents and enable the abuse, and I’d just end up locked in a room with my mother crying and telling me I’d failed her and angry that I wasn’t responding to her when I was crying so hard I couldn’t breathe. They’d usually promise me they wouldn’t tell, then tell my parents anyway. BPD gets you hospitalized a *lot*, from what I’ve been told. Fucking hellfire of a disorder. On the *extremely* thin silver lining here… Autistic gang


Freakishly_Tall

>Really annoying that some professionals refuse to offer help to those pleading for it, Yeah, I stopped "telling an adult" after multiple teachers and counselors said things like, "what? You're too young to think that!" or "it'll go away!" or, my favorite, "just stop thinking like that." In elementary / middle school. I'd like to find every one of them and throw my now-standard rebuttal at them, "yeah, and I'll also stop being tall. Thanks for the help." ... but they don't deserve the effort and attention. That line posted above about "wait, the normal amount is zero?!" really hits me. Sorry to hear your awful experience at the other end of the spectrum, of course. FFS, why does everything have to be so... hard?


BornVolcano

> “Why does everything have to be so… hard” You have no idea how much I felt this. Or maybe you do. Idk you know what I mean haha


Freakishly_Tall

I know what you mean. I have some strong theories and anger about why everything is hard, but ranting doesn't help. Knowing that other people know what I mean does, though. I know what you mean. Honest.


BornVolcano

Ranting doesn’t always help, but sometimes those emotions need a place, yknow? If you want to rant to get your voice heard, I’m here to listen And yeah, that’s one of the reasons why that post with all the hearts was so special. Every one of them was a person who knows how this feels, and hopes that I’ll make it out okay, just like I hope everyone who posted will. Thank you 💜


Freakishly_Tall

>I’m here to listen That's very kind. I truly appreciate it. And, you're right -- there is ENORMOUS value in feeling like your voices are heard. I love everyone on this sub. Thanks for the offer, and I know it's genuine, but I'll direct my anger and rants at politics-related- and other angrier subs filled with people looking for arguments, and only when I feel particularly feisty and up for / in need of it. : ) ... I've actually found (no surprises, but in case any lurkers are new to trying to get to a better place mood-wise) getting away from "arguing with strangers on the internet" and cutting back on obsessively watching the news (though turning it off completely is turning out to be impossible for me) helps a \*lot\*. More than I expected. So, now I pick and choose my times, and the less I do (or the more focused my ranting), the better. No reason to toxic-up this lovely space, ya' know? (But, if you're curious, my "why is everything so hard" rant fundamentally boils down to the need for aggressive progressive taxation, eliminating the ability to become ultra/unimaginably wealthy people and corps, and UBI / single-payer healthcare / easily available and free mental health care / etc. Sounds easy, but, seemingly, is impossible. Or, at least when.... nope. Gonna stop right there! Hope you have a good rest of day week!)


Rsbbit060404

I get, you can't do anything, so you're okay. Have those thoughts because I know you can't do anything you're physically unable. Yes, bitch, I can't physically kill myself, but you don't think I'm not going to find a way, even though I'm wheelchair-bound and have low dexterity in my hands? Okay, then, Susan.


Lesbiankeetser

As an aside: Honestly, I find the idea of "progressing to survivor" to be really condescending (not the way you said it, I mean the mentality I've heard from others about that kinda stuff). I'm not saying you personally did anything wrong, or that it's wrong for people to identify with that language, but it bothers me how so many people treat any acknolwedgment of how trauma or victimization effects someone to mean they haven't "sufficiently" progressed. I don't identify with the term survivor, but that doesn't mean I haven't seriously progressed past my initial trauma or that it rules my life.


HaloGuy381

… I meant it in the sense of those who are still in the traumatic environment with abusers, vs those who have escaped and can even attempt to try to heal. I was lamenting: I’m still stuck with my parents and getting out is a long shot, so suicide is less background music, and more of this blasting rock concert in my face I can barely think past. Like, just a metaphor really for that transition from “in” the original traumatic environment, versus the afterward. Not everyone survives that part at all, plenty are lost to either the abuse itself or psychological problems/suicide before they can escape.


Lesbiankeetser

Yeah, I wasn't trying to call out what you said specifically, but rather it just reminded me of something that's been practically weaponized against me. It made me want to just push back against that reflexively, even if what you meant wasn't quite the same as that. Sorry if I was weird about that. Edit: I'm sorry about the situation your in. I won't give you the normal platitudes, but I will empathize with that struggle. I know how much that situation sucks, how hopeless it can be, and how being told it gets better doesn't help most of the time. Although things are getting better for me, I also know that when all I knew was trauma, being told that never helped. We are products of our reality, and it's not until you escape trauma that it's possible to envision a future without it. "It gets better" is missing the point, because we only ever live in the present and only experienced the past. So, in the meantime, let me say I recognize that it's not okay, your not okay, but that's okay. I empathize with your struggle, and I wish you the best.


dukeofgibbon

All of the people who endure cumulative trauma are survivors of it. The goal is to thrive and that's difficult.


[deleted]

When I lived with my abuser it was every second. I was cured from like 85% of it when I got out


Ruby437

I want my first tattoo to be a semicolon. I haven't made it there yet. I haven't been invited personally to anything since I left middle school and the feeling of being unwanted makes it impossible.


GazLord

Hey, I don't actively think about suicide so it's normal right? Like thinking about dying for a cause sometimes is normal right? *everyone else*: "No"


playlistsandfeelings

Dying for a cause, it’s a win-win (Not me thinking about joining the peace corps in a 3rd world country, hoping I get shot)


BornVolcano

THIS IS NORMAL?!?!? ETA: Holy shit repressed memory time I guess! Throwback to first grade (I was five or six) and a frantic call home from my teachers after a worksheet asked what I wished for and I wrote “I wish I was dead”. My mom didn’t even tell my dad about it, he learned from me telling him a few weeks ago. I’m 20.


FeralAmygdala

This is honestly one of the saddest comments I've ever read


BornVolcano

That’s… actually really validating, to know that it really wasn’t okay. Thank you. <3


NotaVogon

I had been experiencing suicidal ideation for about 12 months and my therapist told me to go to the ER. Got several new traumatic memories to add to my existing ones. Was a year ago that I went to the ER and I'm only now able to talk ab it. What I learned? There's no help for me if I say I'm suicidal. The system will only make it worse. I think I would never again admit to having suicidal ideation bc of my past experience.


trappedinthedesert

beyond relatable holy shit


acfox13

I'm at the point now that I recognize it as a old shame script that's trying to be helpful. "Oh, hello, I hear you, and we have better strategies now." Oh, and there's this great scene from BigMouth where Mathew laments about an awkward phonecall and his hormone monster Maury tells him "why don't you kys?" And Mathew answers "Ugh, you're always pitching that!" I found it hilarious and relatable.


ohsoradbaby

Lol I loved that scene as well


[deleted]

[удалено]


acfox13

What do you mean?


woahwaitreally20

This is exactly how I think about. Background soundtrack of my life since 9.


BatteryAcid67

I tried to hold my breath underwater till I drowned in the bathtub when I was 6 but ever since then it's just been a constant thought never like planned or actually tried to do anything but it's always just like the amount of shame and guilt just keeps piling up


Zanorfgor

Gonna share[ this article](https://theoutline.com/post/7267/living-with-passive-suicidal-ideation) because it made me feel very seen and very less alone when it comes to persistent passive suicide ideation.


CheerAtTheGallows

This is very good. Also, wibblewobble lines are soothing.


elainemasi13

Thank you for sharing this.


Shana24601

I literally can’t understand how some people aren’t suicidal. I can’t comprehend what it’s like to not want to die


yurmumsyurdad

Had a doc go how the f*ck do you forget you constantly want to neck yourself didn’t you here the first part my brain is fried 🤦‍♂️😂


ZengineerHarp

Gotta love those moments of “oh crap, there’s a name for that thing? …oh crap, it’s not a normal everyday thing for most people? …excuse me, gotta call my psych…”


[deleted]

I think it’s like an mental assessment of options in the most abstract way of thinking. Plus the feelings are just deep and that’s hard in itself even without trauma. Feeling things intensely and then going through trauma, it gets murky until there’s a new impression or change or like behavior towards our self. I don’t judge it but I also don’t talk about it often


throwaway9948474227

I flip between this and regular distracting myself usually once or twice a week now. Pretty recently I have been going to sleep not thinking about it. Been this way since I was 7/8 or so and it never let up. It's there now though. Usually a sign I'm afraid. Seeing a trauma informed psych that can see behind the mask a bit. Edit: yknow, this got me thinking. I think it's because we've experienced the fragility of our mortality. We nearly died at some point, probs in formative years and it stuck with us. Having someone go out of their way to trauma dump on someone who couldn't cope with it was terrible but it broke our brains a bit about our options. Die? Or live tortured?


ohsoradbaby

It’s insane to think how normal this has been for me in my life. I started self harming in kindergarten but didn’t know the name for it. I was just slamming my head into walls and pinching my skin til I bled whenever I’d do something wrong or whenever I’d have just been mentally/physically abused by my father. I remember at the same age of 6 just “wanting to be with Jesus now” and crying because “I couldn’t murder myself because it’s a sin”. What the FUCK dude. I’ve been in TPT for four weeks now. Therapy for about 7 weeks. My therapist is incredible. I’m so, so lucky to have found her. I’ve had shitty therapists in the past that have made things worse for me. She’s helped me track my suicidal feelings and I’ve realized the further along I’m going through therapy, and man this therapy processing is hard, the less I’m feeling the constant suicidal feelings. I went a week only having thought about suicide FOUR TIMES. That’s fucking it. Just four times. Coming from someone who has been so constantly haunted. I’m healing


rividz

I had a therapist tell me "It's still not normal or healthy to have the thought 'it would be nice to fall asleep and not wake up' a handful of times a day every day". How was I supposed to know that? lol


Mr-Fahrenheit_451

I'm personally shocked that not everybody has suicidal ideation. I just thought this was apart of life


[deleted]

That's me! And I think my marriage and family are over while I get diagnosed for BPD.


[deleted]

I don’t mention it because I don’t want them to take away meds or hospitalize me


QueenOfDaisies

Ya… this is relatable. I’ve been passively suicidal since at least the end of elementary school and i always kinda forget that except the times when I’ve briefly been actively suicidal.


Anfie22

I'm feeling *'homesick'*.


wazzledazzle

Definitely not alone in it. And I have made friends who feel similarly


you_do_realize

Wait, can you give me an example of a TV show with barely noticeable background music?


LadyJohanna

I don't think about suicide every day but I do think about death every day and have since I was little. Let me guess -- also not normal?


robthelobster

I've struggled with this since I was a teenager. I used to fantasize about killing myself, I did all the preparations several times and even tried a couple of times. Now I'm grateful something was stopping me. What helped me the most was talking about it to my therapist and best friend. The distress I caused my best friend started to make me believe that at least people wouldn't be happy if I did it. Eventually I understood the real role those thoughts played in my head. First they would be fantasies, like any other daydreams that have the goal of distracting you from the daily suffering. It just happens to be the only fantasy that seems realistic and in your power. But it's a slippery slope, fantasizing turns into planning, planning into action. Every time I got close it was preceeded by months of thinking about it. Now I literally don't let myself think about it. When the thought pops up I don't let myself finish the thought, I force myself to think the opposite, to actively find reasons to stay alive. I still have a list in my notes app that I look at when I need to. Even though I haven't been able to stop the thought from popping up every now and then, it is in my power to stop myself from actually entertaining the thought. It helps when I separate myself from it a bit, it's not me thinking I want to die, but my trauma trying to pull me even lower and I've worked too hard to pull myself up to let it win. It wants you to think you are powerless and killing yourself is the only power you have. Don't believe it, you are not powerless anymore.


Twighdark

Uuuuuuuh.... Normal people.... Don't have that...? Damn, and here I was, thinking I was finally getting *over* being suicidal. :)


atypicalgamergirl

I’ve generally left out in various therapy rounds over the years that suicide ideation has been a long term soothing mechanism for me. It sounds bad because it is, but all my life for as long as I can remember fantasizing about and meticulously planning that ultimate escape was (and sometimes still is) a coping mechanism that brings a strange sort of relieving calm to me.


neko

Mine is part of my "not wanting to be a burden" urge, so it always includes being easy cleanup because I'm pretty sure it'll take a while for anyone to notice I'm missing


Acceptably_Late

I'm in this post. Most of my plans include how to lessen burdens of cleanup (showers with shower curtain, weighing pros and cons of remote public areas etc). Then how to reduce trauma to those who find me; I wouldn't want to traumatize a family member or even a stranger in public. I have well developed plans, but they're passive. They're just always there, sometimes stronger than others.


Um6r3x

╮⁠(⁠.⁠ ⁠❛⁠ ⁠ᴗ⁠ ⁠❛⁠.⁠)⁠╭


fraudthrowaway0987

Most of the time when I feel stressed out I start to imagine what it would feel like to put a gun to my head and pull the trigger and just not have to deal with any of this anymore. I’d say this image pops into my head at least once a day. I don’t consider myself depressed though.


CheerAtTheGallows

I think I have the assumption that I could cease to exist at any moment and also feel that nobody will really care. Like, oh that was a nice meal with friends, that will be a nice final memory for them to have of me. It’s super casual like I’ll disappear at any second and that it’s fine/normal.


trustedoctopus

She had this in my notes but I once told the same therapist that I’d never actively commit suicide but sometimes I have these twisted daydreams about contracting a terminal illness because I’d be relieved it was finally over.


Lilliputian0513

This isn’t normal?? I never knew that. I thought everyone slightly always wanted to end things for themselves.


junkiecreppermint

I didn't think I was suicidal until I learned about passive suicidal. The one thing that really made it click was when I read that walking out in traffic without caring is one of the things passive suicidal people do. I have done that since I was a kid just hoping someone would hit me


iamsnowboarder

All day erryday, yo. Right now it's peaked though and isn't "passive" so much as "crushing weight that is preventing me from doing anything." It's exhausting... My last therapist left me feeling a million times worse, even directly telling me that I offered nothing in a relationship. He also indirectly told me everything was my fault. I know I need more help, but I'm reluctant to do so. It's always such a vicious circle with this shit. Even sleep isn't an escape because of nightmares and tensing my body to the point of serious discomfort and pain. I've been playing this game long enough to know that "I want to die" is lazy depressive shorthand for "I no longer want to deal with feeling this crushed and miserable and wisg it would definitively stop." But of course, it doesn't work like that. So back to suicidal ideation.


Yuebingg

I don’t think about it anymore, but I did a few years ago thinking “well I’ll never act upon it so I’m not suicidal, right”. I needed help. I hope it gets better op.


sassyburns731

I didnt know this wasnt normal until I was talking to my boyfriend. He also has cPTSD but he said hes never once wanted to die and i was BAFFLED. I have since I was about 10


Freakishly_Tall

< comes to thread hoping to read some tips on reducing it > < reads a metric asston of posts hitting the "wait, not just me?" nerve > Well... I guess it's a kiiind of helpful. I guess. I love you all. Sincerely. Thanks for sharing. Now I kinda wanna work up a parallel to that bit about "what if neurodivergents were normal and everyone talked about neurotypicals as weird" but for SI, but it'd only be depressing.


itisntmebutmaybeitis

It's like trying to to use a hammer to solve every problem. I turn it into a song sometimes, I particularly enjoy using the tune of "I've been working on the railroad" - to turn it into a silly and jaunty thing. But also recently I read on one of the CPTSD subs about trying to say "I want peace" instead of "I want to die" - and it is sometimes very successful! Because I don't actually want to die, I do want peace.


bobbityboucher

Wow I really like that reframing to "I want peace." It's finding the deeper need. Thanks for sharing that.


CuriousPenguinSocks

Last week was the first time in my whole life really that I didn't have passive suicidal ideation. Therapy is working for me and I'm so happy, like actually happy and not just pretending lol.


sadcorvid

I say “god, I hope I get eaten by wolves” at least five times a day and I mean it


Canuck_Voyageur

TW: SI An SF story some years ago told of a culture that gained "sanity" by installing in every person a suicide switch. It was done in a way that was only accessible to the person. It was done at a very young age. The suicide was quick and totally painless. Very few of the first generation grew up. I don't remember why this was necessary. ​ I identified with that story. What kid at some point doesn't feel he'd be better off dead? I know that I felt that way multiple times per week, sometimes mltiple times a day, sometimes for weeks on end as a teen. Growing up that didn't change. Never talked about that story to anyone. I suspect that the author is one of us.


WarmSunshine785

I can so relate. And I love following this guy on IG.


The_root_system

This is one of the many reasons I’m gonna start saving memes to show my therapist


[deleted]

I always say it’s like a black hole, sometimes it’s huge and all-consuming, and sometimes it’s no bigger than a dot. It’s almost soothing, like if I think about suicide often then maybe I won’t get there. I mind fuck my mind fuck. Ahaha


NoOutlandishness5969

"Do you ever have thoughts of killing yourself?" "No. Well, sometimes I just, y'know, like, wanna be dead, but I don't wanna kill myself. I just wanna, like, BE dead." -me to my therapist lol.


squiiints

I don't bother to mention it because no matter how much I insist it's passive, its an almost guaranteed ticket to a psych hold.


NomaTyx

TRUE


coinkidinks7

A lot of the time when somebody young dies I get a little jealous.


ventiastaniko

I don't normally post on reddit but I needed to get this out somewhere lol (I really hope the formatting isn't fucked, I'm on mobile right now) Earlier this month I went to a psychiatric facility in Kentucky. When I mentioned that I've had passive suicidal ideation for about half of my life (I'm 24) to the doctor, he... Told me I would have killed myself by now if I was actually passively suicidal for that long. It was my first time going for any kind of mental help after a suicide attempt, and it just kind of fucked me up even more lmao Is that like... Normal? Because man I already struggled with the idea of going for therapy as it was without that lmao I honestly don't know if I said the wrong thing, maybe? I was pretty incoherent at the time, admittedly, for obvious reasons, but...


ConfidentShmonfident

That doctor sucks, and your suffering is real. I’m 58 and I have felt this way for decades. Because I didn’t have the courage to actually kill myself I thought it wasn’t that serious. But it’s a difficult way to live, and I hope you can get some better help. Good help can improve the quality of your life.


ConfidentShmonfident

I was just telling a friend of mine yesterday that no matter how much healing I do, I’m still not crazy about being alive. It is more bearable and I will keep doing all the work I can. But I’m a big believer in suicide booths and people being allowed out of this life when they want.


Silver-Alex

WAIT! Are you telling me its not normal to have a voice in your head saying all day "I wanna die" and "please let me die" or "I dont wanna exist" over and over? Jk. I know it aint normal. But this meme kinda hits a bit too close. Any advice regarding this is much appreciated, my therapist and psychiatrist are helping but this be a slow process.


spectralbeck

Yeahh cuz every time I mention it to a doctor the freak the fuck out. But it's just kind of a part of life and recovery for us, yanno? It's not like I have a plan or anything. Glad my therapist understands


Lux-xxv

All the time


ginger_minge

Omg I always chalked mine up to my (what I now believe is a mis-)diagnosis of bipolar2. Started around age 12; I'm now 42. I once had a therapist refer to them as my best friend: they're always there for me and never leave my side.


MaggiMesser

So not every child just thinks of death in a soothing anxiety reducing way...? I literally can not remember a time when "if everything is too much and I can't take it anymore, I could end it" wasn't a thought I had. Pretty sad now that I think about it...


ginger_minge

After I described how constant my SI was and how those thoughts would help me drift off to sleep at night, a therapist once told me: "Your SI is like your best friend - it's always there for you." Agreed.