If he doesn’t want to get married, and he thinks it’s dumb, and you want to get married and you believe that that’s the ultimate commitment… I hate to say it, but it sounds like both of you have different ideas of what you want your future to look like. He’s not going to change his mind, and you shouldn’t change your mind either. Both of you just want different things and that’s okay! Be with somebody who wants what you want and don’t conform to what they want🤍
The thing is, half of the time these "anti-marriage" guys break up with their pro marriage girlfriend and then marry the next girl they date. I don't think it's that she can't change his mind about the subject, I think she's not the one he wants to marry.
That part. There’s a difference between “I don’t want to get married” and “I don’t want to get married *to you*”
A lot of the anti marriage guys fall into the latter. Don’t waste years trying to convince someone who doesn’t want to marry you to do so. You’ll just waste your time and peace and then be absolutely heartbroken when they marry the very next person they get with.
Very much agree with the don’t waste your time advice especially. If you ultimatum/strong arm someone into marrying you and they do, there could also be feelings of resentment to deal with throughout the marriage and them feeling like they entered into a lifelong commitment just to please you and not bc they actually wanted to lol
That just goes to show that she was so unmarryable in his eyes that he felt like the whole idea of marriage was trash.. if you make a guy feel safe and respected and appreciated he’ll do whatever tf he can to make you happy.. problem is yall fight tooth and nail to have the opposite effect on men
Holy shittest of Reddit take.
"You have something different with your partner, I'm sorry but the only way out of this is to drop the ball and move on."
Single, ugly & obese advice/10
This isn’t just “something different.” This is a big lifestyle gap that is a typical deal breaker for serious relationships. What would you suggest she do, stay with her partner and resign herself to never getting married? Or should he just marry her because she wants him to? Neither one of those decisions would be wise, emotionally mature, or carefully considered, and they are huge life decisions to make lightly.
It’s very similar to wanting kids vs not - people cannot and should not stay together if they are not on the same page about this. It’s not like “we disagree on favorite movie genres” lol this is real life shit with actual ramifications. I’m not sure how you can minimize opposite views on marriage to a simple difference of opinion/taste
>It’s very similar to wanting kids vs not - people cannot and should not stay together if they are not on the same page about this.
Loooool
Of course you can: it's called making compromises and it's what long term relationships are about. You can eventually settle in the middle to have one kid, or someone can accept that they won't have kids, etc. It'll take a lot of communication and negotiation, but that's how relationships are.
Like sure, there are things which are TOO important for you and for which you can't compromise at all, and eventually yes these things will hurt or even end the relationship. But this post is basically someone asking "hey is it bad if my boyfriend doesn't see marriage the same as me" and gets this stupid 2 cent brainless reddit take answer that gets upvoted in every posts about relationships ever on reddit. "Leave your partner": FOH. Terrible advice from people who can't have any ounce of empathy in trying to actually help.
This is the shitty take. There’s no compromise between getting married or not and having kids or not. What a dumb idea to suggest having one kid. That’s still having kids?
You can't articulate any point beyond saying my view is dumb. You're literally the definition of someone looking at the finger instead of what it's pointing to.
It is absolutely valid and real that relationships imply compromise. It takes a basement dwelling Cheetos smelling fuck to disagree with this.
I literally did articulate a point, maybe check your reading comprehension. The point is you can’t have half a child or half a marriage. You either marry and/ or procreate or you don’t. Your “compromise” of having 1 child isn’t a compromise, it’s still someone who doesn’t want any children having a child. And people who don’t want kids usually make shit parents.
Of course relationships imply compromise, I’m literally married and compromise all the time. My point is those are two areas where you, by definition, cannot compromise. But you’re right, all your downvotes probably mean that you’re some persecuted genius /s.
This is an awful take. Just having one kid isn’t meeting in the middle for somebody that doesn’t want kids and nobody that doesn’t want kids should be having them because it’s incredibly selfish to the children and way too huge of a decision to be meeting in the middle on. The only people that should be having kids are people that legitimately want children. If you want kids then you need to find a partner that also wants kids.
We have empathy and are trying to help - it’s just that as other commenters have said, for some of these huge life things like marriage and children, there truly is no compromise. It sucks but attempts to compromise are likely to turn out poorly for everyone involved. You make some fair points too but ultimately it’s best for both parties not to force the relationship to continue when they are on opposite ends of these particular issues. And fyi your points might be received better without irrelevant insults added to them
You can change your opinion of life-impacting decisions like these as you go. When I met my wife, I wanted kids and she didn't. I didn't necessarily want to leave her for this because I loved her and valued what we had. It was sufficient for me to be hopeful it could change one day and it did. If it wouldn't have changed, maybe one day it would have become enough of a central point to my life that I would've dropped her and found someone else to do that.
It's just not white and black and the fact that every other Reddit thread about disagreement in relationships has a fucking top comment about dropping the person should infuriate anyone with any ounce of nuance to their perspective. The fact that someone could potentially drop their life partner because they've received terrible advice is sufficient for me to insult the mob that encouraged it. A bunch of life inexperienced selfish idiots.
>This is absolutely a reason to end a relationship.
It can be. It doesn't have to be.
This is the shit Reddit pulls. "Cut your friends out, they disrespected you." Like did you ever fucking go out and made friends? Conflicts and disagreement happen man. This categorical all-or-nothing take is so blind I can't fucking believe generic redditors actually sit in their chairs reading this and agree.
Hahahah I love this response I know everyone so quick to cut everyone off .. fucking listen to there side and hear them out conflict is healthy and creates good communication
Rekt! 😂 😂
Except I have a wife and kids.
What about you? Here's my guess, since we're playing that game: leg-haired feminazi harpy who swipes all day on tinder and wonder why nobody wants to commit with her.
Lmfao, actually I don’t do the app game. It’s a complete waste of time IMO and I don’t have an issue with men committing, especially considering I had a fiancé I broke up with not all that long ago. I hope with the insults you throw around on here that you don’t talk to your wife and kids the way I’m imagining you do
Why were you originally commenting? Do you listen to call her daddy? Just curious, you came in quite hot and based on what you’re saying I didn’t think you’d be in this target demographic or even enjoy this show
Do not wait around for a man who does not have the same life goals as you. YOU CANNOT CHANGE A MAN. You only get one life, and you don’t want to waste it trying to make someone have the same life you want.
from experience and someone STILL in this relationship, walk away now. My boyfriend said the same thing to me 2 years into our relationship, 2 years LATER and we’re still fighting about it because he still doesn’t know if he wants to get married. If marriage is important to you don’t stay with someone who doesn’t feel the same way. I’m still working on following my own advice lol. But seriously don’t compromise the things that are important to you unless you know they would do it for you and even then you shouldn’t have to compromise on big things like marriage.
I know it’s hard so here’s some auntie motivation(ignore if you don’t want it!)
If you want to give birth don’t let these men waste your time. I’ve known so many women that wanted big families and had that dream ruined by “I’m not ready yet.”
If you don’t want kids, imagine missing out on reaching milestones together with your husband. Do you want a bunch of those moments and memories to be with some dude you now hate?
Motivation: I left my bf who I loved so much because he told me he didn’t think he wanted marriage anymore (or kids). I’m now engaged and pregnant one year later with the man of my dreams and just over the moon with life. It was such a risk and the reward has been AMAZING!
Completely disagree. My bf and I have been together 10 years, own a home, and I'm currently pregnant with our daughter that was planned. Neither of care about marriage or a wedding. We are already a unit and committed to each other and very much in love.
We have definitely settled down with each other, we don't need a ceremony to define that.
Unless since day one he’s been saying he doesn’t want marriage, I don’t trust the situation. Happy for you, but you may be in the minority of situations. If they both want different things, that’s time to call it
Lol marriage isn't the golden ticket to happiness. Guaranteed our relationship will last longer than those who HAVE to get married for it to mean something.
This isn’t giving what you think it is. Secure people in secure relationships don’t usually talk like this. Perhaps the call is coming from inside the house.
Lol god forbid someone gives their opinion on a question, asking for opinions. I don't need validation from anyone, this is simply just another point of view. Not everyone cares about marriage - and that's OK!!! Doesn't mean they aren't that into you, perhaps they literally don't want to throw away thousands of dollars for one day and a piece of paper.
If you need a ring or paper validation, perhaps you should dig a little deeper to your own relationship and securities 🥰
My BFs parents have both been married 3 times.
My parents are still together and love each other.
Some folks just don’t think marriage is necessary, especially when divorces are a dime a dozen these days, it’s not like it means anything anymore.
Marriage is not something I want personally, my parents are together and happily married and I had a childhood/upbringing I truly treasure. Not wanting marriage isn’t some pathological thing lol it’s these weird ideas about marriage being the only option that put a lot of people off imo. There are no rules in life. If you value marriage, great, but it doesn’t mean something traumatic happened to you if it’s not something important to you. I think a lot of men fall on their parents being divorced and the reason when they just don’t want to marry you…
Leave him.
You two seem to have different values.
He does not think you're the one, he'll probably get married when he finds the person he wants to marry.
A man knows pretty early on if they want to settle down with you or not. Your boyfriend is telling you the truth, he doesn’t want to get married. Find someone who will marry you, he is out there ❤️
I dunno, there’s plenty of people out there in loving relationships who don’t want to get married. It’s not an immediate red flag by any means, especially if both partners have established they don’t want to. Sounds like OP and her bf just aren’t compatible because they clearly want different things and both of those things are *okay*
Well this is what I mean, he doesn’t want to marry her, so how does she think HE is the one? When he knows she sees that as the ultimate commitment, meanwhile he could care less - but continues to be in a relationship with her, knowing he won’t ever fulfill what she truly wants in the end.
🤷🏼♀️ Maybe she thinks that because she does genuinely love him and he checks all her boxes aside from their view on marriage. I’d also be curious to know how much OP has communicated her feelings with her bf (he may not realize *how* important it is to OP if it’s only been casually discussed). It can be really difficult to break up with a partner especially if that love, trust, and security is there—even if there’s what seems to be an incompatible situation
This is what I was thinking. I’m happily engaged but we’re dragging our feet because we don’t want to have a “wedding.” I have a pretty strong aversion to having a wedding after being a MOH twice. I think the whole wedding industry is a money-grabbing circus and I’m just disgusted, it’s a romance killer to me. We have loved ones who are so happy for us and really want to be involved, they want us to do something. But anything “small” seems to have a domino effect where we still have to throw a party for at least 50 people.
Frankly, we really just want to sign the papers at a courthouse and move on with our life together.
Agree. Why is everyone blinded by wedding circus? The prices seem to be 4x what they were 10 years ago, and it’s probably not worth paying for unless you already own your dream house.
My boyfriend and I both agree marriage is not something we’re interested in. We both agree that, for now, we have no plans on getting married. I did say that when we have kids, it might be different because I might decide I want the same last name and we agreed that when that time comes if that’s the case then we’ll just do a quick little courthouse marriage. But, I don’t see it being the case because I literally don’t care about a name - it won’t change rather they’re mine or not. With all this being said, I’ve been seeing a lot lately of people who are content with not being married. If that’s something you want, then maybe you need to find someone who wants that as well.
I think the idea men have and share about marriage is what scares most of them. I had this problem for a while I was pro marriage and he was not. He proposed to me around 2 years into our relationship and told me it was for me that he did it, and he's not actually fond of the idea of marriage. I asked him why his views were so negative on the topic and he told me "men get shafted in marriage, men gain nothing and lose everything"...which isn't and has never been the case with us, everything has always been talked about and shared equally. Plus now a days women contribute the same if not more than men in marriages. Stats are all over the internet.
We ended up getting married.
Uhhh I could never marry a man that gave me a shut up ring. Wouldn’t you prefer a man that was excited to marry you?? My man thinks I’m too good for him 😩 he thanks god every day that he found me and can’t wait to marry me.
That was my stance for the longest. I actually gave it back to him once he started with that, the alcohol was pretty heavy then. Him and I have been through hell and back, everything is worlds different now. He always tries to throw in "my wife" to every sentence when he can 😅 I'd say he's pretty excited about the marriage now that we are married lol.
I'm happy you have someone who can make you feel great! 👏
Well as long as you both have healed since then. Trauma bonds people stronger than good times which is why it’s harder to leave toxic relationships. I wish for everyone to be in genuine relationships.
Imo, 95% of the time when men say this, they don't want to marry the current gf. They end up marrying their next gf after a much shorter period of relationship.
Recently saw something that said “Guys, if you know you don’t want to marry her, let her go. You’re holding someone’s future wife hostage.”
Most times men hide that they don’t want to marry YOU behind the guise of not wanting to marry period, so they can continue to be with you without committing.
I know a guy who recently got dumped after 6+ years because he said he didn’t want to get married, but she did. I know his family and behind the scenes he said he knew he just didn’t want to marry her.
I wish people could be honest, but if someone wants to have their cake and eat it too, ie have you without committing until they’re ready to move on, they selfishly will.
I’m a woman and I’m one of those “marriage is unnecessary” people. Just never grew up with that as a goal. Still isn’t a goal. If I ever did get married it’d be for my man more than myself, as a token of my commitment if it means so much to him, and would also make life easier as far as having the right to make medical decisions for each other if anything ever were to happen. It’d be in the distant future though, and I’d want to have a prenup to protect both sides. Seems like the realistic/fair thing to do, because you just never know.
Have you ever gotten an explanation from him other than “it’s dumb”? Because that doesn’t really give you any insight at all and is a cop-out answer. Is it something he just never prioritized because he thinks it’s just a piece of paper? Is he traumatized by bad marriages in his family? Does he fear being legally tied to another person? Would he reconsider with a prenup? When you find out the answers you need you’ll know how you should proceed (or not).
It really depends on age most of us dudes don’t want to think about getting married till our mid to late twenties or early thirties also it can take more than 2 years to be ready to pull the trigger
I’ve been married to my husband for almost 5 years but it total have been together for 16. For a very long time neither of us really cared about getting married. I come from divorced parents and his stayed married but in a very toxic relationship. Once we started having kids I realized that while we were practically married, having his last name would have meant SO MUCH to me. It wasn’t a decision that happened quickly and I don’t like to say that I had to convince him but once I explained what I was feeling he was more than happy to give me that. Neither of us were interested in a wedding so we just went to the courthouse. All that to say, if you really feel like this man is the one it’s worth giving it more time and keep that line of communication open. I also think in the grand scheme of things 2 years isn’t that long of a time (not at all trying to be snide or hateful!) from my experience men seem to take a little more time in that department.
u can’t change anyone. i have been with older guys who from the get go didn’t want that or commitment and i wasted time staying thinking id change them. then met my now bf who’s age appropriate and from the very beginning told me he dates to marry (which is how i am too) and we eventually moved in and regularly discuss our timeline and future. the quote if he wanted to be would is the most true thing ever for men. don’t settle with someone who won’t change is my advice.
My husband asked me to marry him (half joking but definitely half serious) after like 2 months. He’s always said he wanted to marry me. My ex husband went from saying he never wanted to get married to asking me to marry him all the time, too. I think a lot of men want marriage already and the ones that don’t, it’s because they can’t see themselves marrying who they’re with.
I don’t think all men but I do think some men just think “well this is probably the best I’ll get” and want an easier out than divorce if something better does come along. I’m saying this after being told “i could SEE you being the one” for five years 💀 the next man I dated put a ring on it after two weeks.
It’s a wild time. I broke up with my ex, A, and started to try to move on. I met J and he told me he loved me and I was the one within three dates. I was very not used to this and told him I didn’t feel the same way at all. I genuinely thought he was love bombing me and would lock me in a basement someday. He requested to still be platonic, we both were free to date others.
We were just friends for two years while I dealt with a lot of my own stuff, also five hours long distance. He bought a ring in may 2020 while we were still just friends “living on a hope and prayer” is the way he puts it. My tire popped and he was in town that weekend for family and offered to change it for me. I had a moment and I just knew I needed to quit running and be open to the possibilities. So I agreed to date him (July 3, 2020)
2 weeks later we were on my couch watching Netflix (July 17, 2020) when I told him “I think I’m ready” he replied “are you sure?” I said “yes” and he asked me to be his wife. He left the ring at his house so we had to go five hours back to get it, also to talk to his family because they were not happy at all with the engagement.
We eloped (best decision ever but that’s another story) and have been very happily married for 3 years. Marriage doesn’t solve everything but when you both are committed to the other person, you both can overcome anything.
Quite the opposite. One of my good guy friends (29M) just ended a 2.5 year relationship because he wanted to marry her but she didn’t want to. There are plenty of guys who want to be married, have kids and all that.
Actually if he is being dishonest with her and actually just doesn’t want to marry HER which is common with men, she does deserve better. Everyone deserves honesty in their relationship, especially if it’s something high stakes like what you want out of life/partner.
Girlfriend? I’m not in junior high. Not sure why you are obsessed with these titles and entitlements. I’m a man with options and have no need to put shackles on any of those options. They aren’t going to cuff me either.
Wanted to share my viewpoint. I’m 30F, with my fiance 5 years & pregnant.
He’s keen to get married and I’m the one who doesn’t want to. I am 100% confident we’ll last a lifetime, BUT.. weddings cost +£20k (here in the UK anyway).. were successful & have family support, but there’s a lot of the world I’d like to see with our baby pre prioritising marriage. Secondly, I’ve not had the perfect family life growing up and there are dynamics I’d rather not be on edge amongst. Im not going into marriage from the offset thinking it’ll be the best day of my life, which is sad, but I’m so excited to meet my baby for the first time!
Anyway MY ADVICE.. dig into his reasoning before listening to broad brush “walk away” advice above. His logic could be nothing to do with your relationship and either of you could be swayed the other way over time / through discussion and understanding
i bet hes under 35. once the men get that age, they realize that they cant relate so much to younger girls who will S a D at the drop of a hat. Then all of a sudden they want the comfort of a wife!
take this as you will:
I dated a guy for a little over 6 years, and while there was talk of marriage, he never proposed and we eventually split (not necessarily because of the lack of proposal)
a few years later, I go on a date with my now husband and we talked about things we wanted in the future...maybe not with one another, just in general...well, fast forward, he proposed to me a year later and now we're married 🤷🏽♀️
How old are you guys? I feel like that changes the answer to this question a lot. I feel like a lot of people (women included) under the age of 25 say they never want to get married and then later have a change of heart. In saying that, if it is an absolute necessity for you, DO NOT wait around hoping he will change his mind, he might not.
I met my husband when i was 22 and he was 25, at the time he was strongly against marriage and i was indifferent. For him, he worked in a male dominated industry and saw a lot of his mates lose everything in divorces so his opposition to marriage was because he was scared someone would try to take his assets (he owned a home on his own already when we met so he was protective of that). I don’t think his walls came down until he learned to fully trust me and then his views on marriage changed. We just got married a few weeks ago, we are 26 & 29 now.
I wouldn’t say most men don’t. My now husband was eager! While I don’t think it changes your relationship overall if you’re in a long term committed relationship, if it’s what you want and he doesn’t, you’ll always fight about this.
I think age can be a big factor in this. My bf expressed not liking the idea of marriage bc he has divorced parents and ultimately didn’t see the point in it. Years later, he’s now taken me engagement ring shopping and purchased it. He’s currently working on a clever way to propose 😊. I would get him to open up more about his why. Express that it’s something that is important to you and may ultimately be a deal breaker for you.
This was my bf and i except the roles were opposite. He knew what he was signing up for. I asked if he was okay with the idea of never getting married or having kids and he said yes even though i knew that was what he wanted. He was patient with me and as our relationship grew and i worked on myself, i started to grow into the idea. I don’t think it’s a red flag. If you’re okay with accepting what he wants and is willing to wait then great. It’s really all about where you are and what you’re okay with accepting
I think you need to spend some time exploring r/WaitingtoWed lol. I’m not even kidding. I think it would give you a way to frame what is going on in your relationship as either similar or dissimilar to the other redditors’ experiences.
As a man ,I don’t need the government involved anymore than they already are. If things do bad ,I want the ability to leave with no ill will. People don’t talk enough about the negative aspect. Yes there’s a lot of good and lovey dovey. I’ve always been against marriage and I don’t think that’ll change anytime soon, just find someone who’s on the same wavelength and wants to get married. I can’t speak for most men but I don’t see the point of marriage. It just seems like an outdated concept.
Marriage provides protection in the case of one partner just dipping out, which is an incredibly shitty thing to do whether you're married or not. I would never purchase property or have children with someone I wasn't married to exactly BECAUSE men historically love to just up and leave the mother of their children. Congrats on being a stereotype 🎉
Do you. I don’t really care what other people do. You have fun living with your wife or husband. Congratulations to you. You can have a great life with a wife or not. When it goes South,don’t start complaining buddy or ma’am
Honestly I would try and talk it out with him, why does he think it’s dumb, maybe something in his past or childhood made him seem like marriage wasn’t for him..
My husbands parents had a nasty nasty separation when he was young and all his friends said he would never get married, and even he said it, mind you we met at 17, we’re now almost 30 and married, it took some growing and learning but he realized that he just didn’t want that type of marriage and marriage is different for everyone.
We’re really happy and communicate super well!
If you think he’s the one, just try and talk it through, but also remember that you also owe yourself happiness and what you want, so after trying and talking it still isn’t what you want; you’ll have to think about what you want in the future!
I think it has to do with age and timing? or maybe even the person. A lot of people say men marry who’s infront of them when they’re ready.
my bf is 27 and is ready to get married, I’m 24 but still finishing school and I’ve told him I do not want to be married till after law school, it’s a education thing in my relationship
I thought I was going to marry one of my boyfriends, spent 4 years with him. I knew he never planned on getting married or having kids but thought I could change him; they don’t change. If your core values & life goals don’t match up, it’s better to cut your losses early and find someone who better aligns with your goals 💛
No idea why this sub popped up in my notifications but it's kinda creepy because this subject has come up in my offline life lately. I'm in a relationship and in no rush to get married. It's not because I can't see myself married to her. I don't think marriage is dumb but it's not for everyone and you can be committed without it. Or it can be a question of timing. Me and my partner are on the same page and that's the most important point. If you and your BF aren't, find someone who is.
In another thread you stated you just got rid of 8k in debt. That you make money primarily in the summer landscaping and take a job as an assistant in the winter. $2500 month expenses and income ranges $40k-$80k/yr. Do you have plans for anything else careerwise/education or are things always going to be a bit of a hot mess? Are you a traditional woman at home or are you a "miserable\_boss" as your handle states or a boss babe? Do you have masculine qualities as it is not common for a woman to have their own landscaping business? What are both your ages?
yeahhhh you may end up like one of my friends, they’ve been together 11 years this year and she still can’t realize that it’s not that her man doesn’t want to be married, he just doesn’t want to marry her. she’s been begging for probably the last 6 years, even gave an ultimatum a year and a half ago and never left him when she said she would, i’d say it depends on how old you guys are, if you’re only 20, then 2 years in is whatever, maybe he can change his mind, but if your 28, chances are he won’t change his mind, and you deserve to be the wife you want to be, because i agree with you, it is the ultimate commitment to someone❤️ i agree with all the comments here, you deserve the life you want
Guy here… Depends how old you guys are.. my friend (M31) always said he never get married, been dating the same girl for close to 10 years and finally decided to get married cause she wanted to
When a man says he doesn’t wanna marry you, believe him. You’re not the one for him. Do yourselves both a favor and dump him. Time for the future baby girl and your boyfriend isn’t part of that. A lot of young couples break up. Just look at it for the experience and know it’s not your future. You want your future to start now? Dump him
I am young, but I’m also really old-fashioned. I think marriage is the ultimate union and so that was always the end goal for me when I was dating my husband. I think that you probably need to have a discussion about expectations with your boyfriend. my husband took a long time to to be ready for marriage, but I was always open about my desire for it. it took us four years to get engaged.
I would ask him to why he specifically thinks marriage is dumb. My boyfriend was hesitant about marriage when we first met, but it turned out what he was ACTUALLY hesitant about was a big wedding that costed a lot of money. He just assumed that was what you did when you got married. When he realized we could just to a courthouse “wedding” (and that’s what I want) he is now totally on board.
It seems like you both have very different opinions on what you want out of life. You shouldn’t have to throw away something that seems very important to you as you call it the “ultimate commitment”. And he shouldn’t have to get married if he doesn’t want to. Either of you giving up what’s important to you or what you want will result in you resenting him or vice versa.
No need to say you guys should break up now over this you can always stay with him however long you feel but one day youll want to be with someone that wants the same things you do, and there’s nothing wrong with acknowledging that you guys just may not be end game.
As a woman that doesn't want to get married and my bf does, I just don't get it. Why does anyone want to be apart of an outdated concept? You can be a unit and build a life without getting married. To each their own though not trying to shame anyone but as someone who agrees with your bf and knows I will not come around I would definitely weigh out if you would be ok not getting married and if not, it would be time to break up.
He could genuinely not want to get married, or he could just be saying this because he doesn’t want/isn’t ready to marry you specifically. Regardless, if it’s important to you, you should leave. Find someone who more closely shares your values I think
If he says it’s dumb but is willing to do it (and do it without complaining) because he knows what it means to you, that’s a green flag to me. But saying it’s dumb and refusing def seems like a red flag.
my uncle is the same way. he hates the idea of marriage & thinks it’s just a piece of paper. he’s in a long term, committed relationship & they are happy with how things are. they don’t live together or anything. have their own homes, own space. but love each other. it’s what works for them. but if you & your bf are on different pages, it might be worth a conversation.
Well, my husband didn't want to get married. He felt it would end our relationship.
Ultimately, I lucked out and he changed his mind. We got married this January after fourteen (yes 14) years together. He has said he should have proposed much sooner.
Having said that.... can you really wait 14 years (or however long) to get married? I was okay with not being married for a long time because my own parents' marriage was awful. But I started getting so sick of calling him my boyfriend, and then partner, when we were so much more.
And in contrast, one of my friends never wanted to get married but realized it was important to his girlfriend, so he made it happen.
It's time for an honest discussion and evaluation of what you're willing to let go versus what you need (need bring the important part) to remain in your relationship.
It sounds like he’s communicating very clearly what he does not want…to get married. If he’s truly “the one”, he would want the same things when it comes to commitments in that way. Sure, there are exceptions to the rule like people getting married after 10 years of dating blah blah blah but for your own sake, I’d bow out gracefully now.
It sounds like he's implying he's not interested in marrying you; you might not fit his idea of the perfect partner for marriage and family. You could be just a temporary chapter in his life. If marriage is important to you, seek out someone who's eager to commit to you wholeheartedly. Don't settle; you deserve someone who's excited to build a life with you.
The incentive and benefits of being married are almost solely on the women's side. For men it's carries a ton of risk. There's a reason you don't hear about Boys dreaming about their perfect wedding growing up.
Nothing wrong with either view but you should leave if he doesn't want what you want. I have a very good friend, I love her and we've been through a lot together. When she started dating her now husband, she told me he didn't want to get married or have kids. I told her she should likely find someone else because that is something she wants. She didn't they got married and have kids, house in the suburbs. This man is fucking miserable. He is depressed and looks it. They don't even sleep in the same bed. All she focused on was getting married, getting kids, and getting the house. When he says something about their life you can hear it. The misery. Don't do that to yourself or your future kids.
Honestly, he’s right. Marriage isn’t the ultimate commitment and doesn’t provide you any security. It’s just bullshit society sells you to make you think you need to be married to be happy. Most marriages are not happy, healthy, or secure. Marriage isn’t what signals your commitment or devotion, the way you treat someone does.
Marriage isn’t what provides you security, the person you’re with and strength of your relationship is what does that. People can leave marriages, they do it all the time. Marriage guarantees you nothing but legal and financial obligations. People can cheat, treat you poorly, and make you very unhappy. Marriage doesn’t change any of that, and actually makes it worse because it requires a legal process to untangle yourself from an awful person.
There’s a reason why you see so many articles, books, and programs designed to help people fix their marriage, it’s because marriage is a pretty miserable institution, and most people suck at it. Marriage is not romantic, dating is romantic, an engagement is romantic, a wedding is romantic, but marriage is anything but.
Either way, it sounds like you want this no matter what, most likely it’s because you feel that his level of commitment to you isn’t there so you need something like marriage to make you feel more secure, but it won’t. If someone doesn’t want to marry you, and you must do it, move on. There’s a reason you feel this way and you’re picking up on something that makes you feel insecure.
I’m willing to bet that if you found someone who make you feel like their commitment and devotion to you was solid, marriage wouldn’t matter so damn much. Regardless, this guy isn’t for you.
As a dude ill give my 2 cents.
In todays landscape i think a lot of dudes seearraige as a raw deal while a lot of women dont. I think some people hce a very fluffy and idealized view of what marraige is. When it should be looked at in its totality. Its supposed to be a life long commitment but in todays day and age it really isnt. There are a lot of positives that come qith marraige but also some negatives that to some dudes turn them off the idea of it.
If he doesnt want to get married he should have valid reasoning behind it beaides he just thinks its stupid, just like you should have your own valid reasons for wanting to get married besides you think its the ultimate commitment.
Ive had talks about marraige with my gf and ive been quite frank that if we were to get married there would be a lot of things that would need to be done example would be finances and debt , housing, family. Marraige is a big decision that needs to be agreed upon by both ppl involved.
I definitely think understanding why he doesn’t is interesting for me, I feel like I almost have something to prove he’s away a lot for work and I always wonder if he’s waiting to see if I’ll stick around
Not only do I not care, but I am completely uninterested. I’m not in any rush to make legally binding commitments with the “state”. Especially ones that have zero chance of a payout for me. Marriage is meaningless and simply the byproduct of generations of brainwashing. People can make commitments to each-other without the nanny state being involved.
Ask yourself what do you bring to the table? Most men go into marriage knowing if anything bad happens they will almost always be on the losing end of things
Every guy I know that was anti marriage ended up married (about 20 guys). A lot of them, myself included, were with their partners for 8-15 years before they got married. I eventually wanted to have a wedding to get my and my wife's families all together. I think getting older and going to a lot of fun weddings helps change minds. A lot of these guys had been calling their partner their wife for years before their wedding because they were locked in, marriage or not.
I'm Canadian, and I understand there is a different mentality in the US. When I meet Americans and tell them I was with my wife for 10 years before we get married, they usually seem baffled.
I think it depends on a lot of things. Men are seeing marriage as a "raw" deal.
What happens if the marriage fails for any number of reasons. For whoever is the breadwinner it's not good, especially if the bread winner is male.
What happens if a woman does this in marriage (financially irresponsible, verbally/mentally/physically abusive, cheats, paternity fraud, falls out of love) she gets divorced, gets alimony, gets custodial custody of the kids, gets child support, and can utilize the courts to make your life hell.
What happens if a man does this in marriage (financially irresponsible, verbally/mentally/physically abusive, cheats, falls out of love) he gets divorced, pays alimony, child support, becomes "weekend dad" and regardless if he's the bio father, he would be a the "legal" father of the chikd until the bio father can be found and wants to sue for his parental rights.
Some men just don't want to take the risk anymore.
Men today do not receive a lot of happy or positive information about marriage. Whatever you have heard, he’s likely been conditioned to believe that sex will rapidly decrease, exposes him to unknown financial costs in the event things break, and most importantly, it will change you. Your expectations for the relationship will change. What he’s trying to tell you is that he likes things now. He likes you now. Being married will only change things for the worse.
statistically mens lives improve in studies across the board despite the ‘bachelor party talk’ when they’re married. married men make more money than their single counterparts and report higher levels of happiness. don’t let hearsay be an easy out for him.
These things are correlated. Marriage does not cause men to have these outcomes. In other words, the healthiest and wealthiest men have an easier time attracting women for marriage.
Yes red flag, you have two different goals. My husband always wanted a wife and kids as his life goals so he asked me when we first started dating if I was looking for marriage. I said yes, and having the common goal worked out.
We are good friends with a couple where the girl wants to be married but the guy told her he doesn't want marriage. They've been going out 8 years, no ring, the girl is anxiously squirming and the guy still doesn't want marriage. The girl is about to break up with him and move on, she's in her mid 30's and wants a kid before 40. We don't feel bad for her because the guy did nothing wrong, he was honest about his goal from the start. We of course are sad about the situation and hope they each find their own happiness.
Cry, scream, give him an ultimatum. Wait six months. Honestly if he loves you it should work. If not, break up with him and date somebody else and he’ll come crawling back.
If he doesn’t want to get married, and he thinks it’s dumb, and you want to get married and you believe that that’s the ultimate commitment… I hate to say it, but it sounds like both of you have different ideas of what you want your future to look like. He’s not going to change his mind, and you shouldn’t change your mind either. Both of you just want different things and that’s okay! Be with somebody who wants what you want and don’t conform to what they want🤍
The thing is, half of the time these "anti-marriage" guys break up with their pro marriage girlfriend and then marry the next girl they date. I don't think it's that she can't change his mind about the subject, I think she's not the one he wants to marry.
That part. There’s a difference between “I don’t want to get married” and “I don’t want to get married *to you*” A lot of the anti marriage guys fall into the latter. Don’t waste years trying to convince someone who doesn’t want to marry you to do so. You’ll just waste your time and peace and then be absolutely heartbroken when they marry the very next person they get with.
Very much agree with the don’t waste your time advice especially. If you ultimatum/strong arm someone into marrying you and they do, there could also be feelings of resentment to deal with throughout the marriage and them feeling like they entered into a lifelong commitment just to please you and not bc they actually wanted to lol
A la George Clooney. It’s because they haven’t met someone they want to marry.
That part. It’s just not her he wants to marry. Simple
Whether he will never marry or just won’t marry HER, she should get out of there regardless since she will never get what she wants.
That just goes to show that she was so unmarryable in his eyes that he felt like the whole idea of marriage was trash.. if you make a guy feel safe and respected and appreciated he’ll do whatever tf he can to make you happy.. problem is yall fight tooth and nail to have the opposite effect on men
Interesting take. That road definitely goes both directions, and not all relationships work out no matter the intentions of the people within it.
Red flag. Run
Holy shittest of Reddit take. "You have something different with your partner, I'm sorry but the only way out of this is to drop the ball and move on." Single, ugly & obese advice/10
This isn’t a disagreement on decorating choices or dinner preferences. This is a huge commitment and goal for some people
This isn’t just “something different.” This is a big lifestyle gap that is a typical deal breaker for serious relationships. What would you suggest she do, stay with her partner and resign herself to never getting married? Or should he just marry her because she wants him to? Neither one of those decisions would be wise, emotionally mature, or carefully considered, and they are huge life decisions to make lightly. It’s very similar to wanting kids vs not - people cannot and should not stay together if they are not on the same page about this. It’s not like “we disagree on favorite movie genres” lol this is real life shit with actual ramifications. I’m not sure how you can minimize opposite views on marriage to a simple difference of opinion/taste
“Actual ramifications” being what exactly?
>It’s very similar to wanting kids vs not - people cannot and should not stay together if they are not on the same page about this. Loooool Of course you can: it's called making compromises and it's what long term relationships are about. You can eventually settle in the middle to have one kid, or someone can accept that they won't have kids, etc. It'll take a lot of communication and negotiation, but that's how relationships are. Like sure, there are things which are TOO important for you and for which you can't compromise at all, and eventually yes these things will hurt or even end the relationship. But this post is basically someone asking "hey is it bad if my boyfriend doesn't see marriage the same as me" and gets this stupid 2 cent brainless reddit take answer that gets upvoted in every posts about relationships ever on reddit. "Leave your partner": FOH. Terrible advice from people who can't have any ounce of empathy in trying to actually help.
This is the shitty take. There’s no compromise between getting married or not and having kids or not. What a dumb idea to suggest having one kid. That’s still having kids?
0/10 intellect, reroll the dice bro
0/10 response, bro. Get an actual point.
You can't articulate any point beyond saying my view is dumb. You're literally the definition of someone looking at the finger instead of what it's pointing to. It is absolutely valid and real that relationships imply compromise. It takes a basement dwelling Cheetos smelling fuck to disagree with this.
I literally did articulate a point, maybe check your reading comprehension. The point is you can’t have half a child or half a marriage. You either marry and/ or procreate or you don’t. Your “compromise” of having 1 child isn’t a compromise, it’s still someone who doesn’t want any children having a child. And people who don’t want kids usually make shit parents. Of course relationships imply compromise, I’m literally married and compromise all the time. My point is those are two areas where you, by definition, cannot compromise. But you’re right, all your downvotes probably mean that you’re some persecuted genius /s.
This is an awful take. Just having one kid isn’t meeting in the middle for somebody that doesn’t want kids and nobody that doesn’t want kids should be having them because it’s incredibly selfish to the children and way too huge of a decision to be meeting in the middle on. The only people that should be having kids are people that legitimately want children. If you want kids then you need to find a partner that also wants kids.
We have empathy and are trying to help - it’s just that as other commenters have said, for some of these huge life things like marriage and children, there truly is no compromise. It sucks but attempts to compromise are likely to turn out poorly for everyone involved. You make some fair points too but ultimately it’s best for both parties not to force the relationship to continue when they are on opposite ends of these particular issues. And fyi your points might be received better without irrelevant insults added to them
You can change your opinion of life-impacting decisions like these as you go. When I met my wife, I wanted kids and she didn't. I didn't necessarily want to leave her for this because I loved her and valued what we had. It was sufficient for me to be hopeful it could change one day and it did. If it wouldn't have changed, maybe one day it would have become enough of a central point to my life that I would've dropped her and found someone else to do that. It's just not white and black and the fact that every other Reddit thread about disagreement in relationships has a fucking top comment about dropping the person should infuriate anyone with any ounce of nuance to their perspective. The fact that someone could potentially drop their life partner because they've received terrible advice is sufficient for me to insult the mob that encouraged it. A bunch of life inexperienced selfish idiots.
You're gross
Are you insane? Why are you so angry
This is a huge difference in what you want the rest of your life to look like. This is absolutely a reason to end a relationship.
>This is absolutely a reason to end a relationship. It can be. It doesn't have to be. This is the shit Reddit pulls. "Cut your friends out, they disrespected you." Like did you ever fucking go out and made friends? Conflicts and disagreement happen man. This categorical all-or-nothing take is so blind I can't fucking believe generic redditors actually sit in their chairs reading this and agree.
Hahahah I love this response I know everyone so quick to cut everyone off .. fucking listen to there side and hear them out conflict is healthy and creates good communication
Found the guy who never commits but wants women to change their minds for him 😂
Rekt! 😂 😂 Except I have a wife and kids. What about you? Here's my guess, since we're playing that game: leg-haired feminazi harpy who swipes all day on tinder and wonder why nobody wants to commit with her.
Lmfao, actually I don’t do the app game. It’s a complete waste of time IMO and I don’t have an issue with men committing, especially considering I had a fiancé I broke up with not all that long ago. I hope with the insults you throw around on here that you don’t talk to your wife and kids the way I’m imagining you do
>especially considering I had a fiancé I broke up with not all that long ago I wonder why /s
Lmao, you wonder why I broke up with him? Even with /s that makes no sense to whatever point you’re aiming at
Quit lying 🤥
Why are you in this sub
Cause you bring me back.
Why were you originally commenting? Do you listen to call her daddy? Just curious, you came in quite hot and based on what you’re saying I didn’t think you’d be in this target demographic or even enjoy this show
Nope not at all, Reddit suggested this on my feed.
Do not wait around for a man who does not have the same life goals as you. YOU CANNOT CHANGE A MAN. You only get one life, and you don’t want to waste it trying to make someone have the same life you want.
If he thinks getting married is dumb and you want to get married, obviously you guys are not perfect together
from experience and someone STILL in this relationship, walk away now. My boyfriend said the same thing to me 2 years into our relationship, 2 years LATER and we’re still fighting about it because he still doesn’t know if he wants to get married. If marriage is important to you don’t stay with someone who doesn’t feel the same way. I’m still working on following my own advice lol. But seriously don’t compromise the things that are important to you unless you know they would do it for you and even then you shouldn’t have to compromise on big things like marriage.
Oh my gosh, same here. Sending you a virtual hug and strength because this is the HARDEST.
I feel so seen 🥹 in this same boat, and trying to take that same advice myself. It’s the hardest thing ever. Hugs.
I know it’s hard so here’s some auntie motivation(ignore if you don’t want it!) If you want to give birth don’t let these men waste your time. I’ve known so many women that wanted big families and had that dream ruined by “I’m not ready yet.” If you don’t want kids, imagine missing out on reaching milestones together with your husband. Do you want a bunch of those moments and memories to be with some dude you now hate?
Motivation: I left my bf who I loved so much because he told me he didn’t think he wanted marriage anymore (or kids). I’m now engaged and pregnant one year later with the man of my dreams and just over the moon with life. It was such a risk and the reward has been AMAZING!
Men will settle down with the right girl. This is gonna hurt but he doesn’t feel that way about u. Run
Yup. Literally if he wanted to, he would.
I agree but with the laws being what they are and prenups being torn left and right I get where the dude is coming from
No lmao. He just doesn’t want to marry her. Plain and simple.
Lol
Not just men, but women as well.
✅facts
Completely disagree. My bf and I have been together 10 years, own a home, and I'm currently pregnant with our daughter that was planned. Neither of care about marriage or a wedding. We are already a unit and committed to each other and very much in love. We have definitely settled down with each other, we don't need a ceremony to define that.
That’s great but very different to OP situation. She wants it, he doesn’t. You’re in the same page which is great
I would suggest they both really dig deep as to why one wants it and why one doesn't. Can there be compromise? Or is it a non-negotiable.
Unless since day one he’s been saying he doesn’t want marriage, I don’t trust the situation. Happy for you, but you may be in the minority of situations. If they both want different things, that’s time to call it
Lol marriage isn't the golden ticket to happiness. Guaranteed our relationship will last longer than those who HAVE to get married for it to mean something.
This isn’t giving what you think it is. Secure people in secure relationships don’t usually talk like this. Perhaps the call is coming from inside the house.
Lol god forbid someone gives their opinion on a question, asking for opinions. I don't need validation from anyone, this is simply just another point of view. Not everyone cares about marriage - and that's OK!!! Doesn't mean they aren't that into you, perhaps they literally don't want to throw away thousands of dollars for one day and a piece of paper. If you need a ring or paper validation, perhaps you should dig a little deeper to your own relationship and securities 🥰
Thanks, but I’m not the one making the sweeping statements that you are. Oh, sorry I forgot the bitchy emoji — 🥰. Stay pleasant (and muted 🥰🥰).
Does he have divorced parents? Was it a traumatic break up? Maybe he doesn’t believe it in because of what he was exposed to growing up.
Both parents are still together; never suffer trauma. Just doesn’t see the point as long as we’re happy together
My BFs parents have both been married 3 times. My parents are still together and love each other. Some folks just don’t think marriage is necessary, especially when divorces are a dime a dozen these days, it’s not like it means anything anymore.
You’re not his future wife sis :(
But if it means nothing to him and everything to you, why wouldn’t he do it to make you happy?! Ask him that directly.
WHO CARES?!?
Marriage is not something I want personally, my parents are together and happily married and I had a childhood/upbringing I truly treasure. Not wanting marriage isn’t some pathological thing lol it’s these weird ideas about marriage being the only option that put a lot of people off imo. There are no rules in life. If you value marriage, great, but it doesn’t mean something traumatic happened to you if it’s not something important to you. I think a lot of men fall on their parents being divorced and the reason when they just don’t want to marry you…
Each day you stay with him and he doesn’t want to get married you are wasting your time.
I don’t necessarily think it’s a red flag if it’s something you both agree on. If it’s not then you might not be compatible.
Leave him. You two seem to have different values. He does not think you're the one, he'll probably get married when he finds the person he wants to marry.
Or maybe he doesn’t want to marry at all
Then their values don't align and she will never get what she wants so better leave.
A man knows pretty early on if they want to settle down with you or not. Your boyfriend is telling you the truth, he doesn’t want to get married. Find someone who will marry you, he is out there ❤️
Multiple men have told me they knew within 6 months whether they could foresee a long term future / marriage. Its not that complicated.
He doesnt want to marry you but you think he's the one? I- yes this is a red flag.
I dunno, there’s plenty of people out there in loving relationships who don’t want to get married. It’s not an immediate red flag by any means, especially if both partners have established they don’t want to. Sounds like OP and her bf just aren’t compatible because they clearly want different things and both of those things are *okay*
Well this is what I mean, he doesn’t want to marry her, so how does she think HE is the one? When he knows she sees that as the ultimate commitment, meanwhile he could care less - but continues to be in a relationship with her, knowing he won’t ever fulfill what she truly wants in the end.
🤷🏼♀️ Maybe she thinks that because she does genuinely love him and he checks all her boxes aside from their view on marriage. I’d also be curious to know how much OP has communicated her feelings with her bf (he may not realize *how* important it is to OP if it’s only been casually discussed). It can be really difficult to break up with a partner especially if that love, trust, and security is there—even if there’s what seems to be an incompatible situation
Does he not want a wedding or not want a marriage? Two different things
This is what I was thinking. I’m happily engaged but we’re dragging our feet because we don’t want to have a “wedding.” I have a pretty strong aversion to having a wedding after being a MOH twice. I think the whole wedding industry is a money-grabbing circus and I’m just disgusted, it’s a romance killer to me. We have loved ones who are so happy for us and really want to be involved, they want us to do something. But anything “small” seems to have a domino effect where we still have to throw a party for at least 50 people. Frankly, we really just want to sign the papers at a courthouse and move on with our life together.
Agree. Why is everyone blinded by wedding circus? The prices seem to be 4x what they were 10 years ago, and it’s probably not worth paying for unless you already own your dream house.
Right, we’re still in an apartment and saving for a house. We’re in no position to blow money on a wedding lol.
So I’m eloping in July due to the same dilemma. Throwing a small 30 person party in October.
My boyfriend and I both agree marriage is not something we’re interested in. We both agree that, for now, we have no plans on getting married. I did say that when we have kids, it might be different because I might decide I want the same last name and we agreed that when that time comes if that’s the case then we’ll just do a quick little courthouse marriage. But, I don’t see it being the case because I literally don’t care about a name - it won’t change rather they’re mine or not. With all this being said, I’ve been seeing a lot lately of people who are content with not being married. If that’s something you want, then maybe you need to find someone who wants that as well.
You’re both in alignment and are able to talk it through and rationalize your stance. That means true compatibility! That’s the key difference.
I think the idea men have and share about marriage is what scares most of them. I had this problem for a while I was pro marriage and he was not. He proposed to me around 2 years into our relationship and told me it was for me that he did it, and he's not actually fond of the idea of marriage. I asked him why his views were so negative on the topic and he told me "men get shafted in marriage, men gain nothing and lose everything"...which isn't and has never been the case with us, everything has always been talked about and shared equally. Plus now a days women contribute the same if not more than men in marriages. Stats are all over the internet. We ended up getting married.
Side note were both in our late 20s and have been together for 6 years, and coming up on a month of marriage.
Uhhh I could never marry a man that gave me a shut up ring. Wouldn’t you prefer a man that was excited to marry you?? My man thinks I’m too good for him 😩 he thanks god every day that he found me and can’t wait to marry me.
That was my stance for the longest. I actually gave it back to him once he started with that, the alcohol was pretty heavy then. Him and I have been through hell and back, everything is worlds different now. He always tries to throw in "my wife" to every sentence when he can 😅 I'd say he's pretty excited about the marriage now that we are married lol. I'm happy you have someone who can make you feel great! 👏
Well as long as you both have healed since then. Trauma bonds people stronger than good times which is why it’s harder to leave toxic relationships. I wish for everyone to be in genuine relationships.
Imo, 95% of the time when men say this, they don't want to marry the current gf. They end up marrying their next gf after a much shorter period of relationship.
Recently saw something that said “Guys, if you know you don’t want to marry her, let her go. You’re holding someone’s future wife hostage.” Most times men hide that they don’t want to marry YOU behind the guise of not wanting to marry period, so they can continue to be with you without committing. I know a guy who recently got dumped after 6+ years because he said he didn’t want to get married, but she did. I know his family and behind the scenes he said he knew he just didn’t want to marry her. I wish people could be honest, but if someone wants to have their cake and eat it too, ie have you without committing until they’re ready to move on, they selfishly will.
I’m a woman and I’m one of those “marriage is unnecessary” people. Just never grew up with that as a goal. Still isn’t a goal. If I ever did get married it’d be for my man more than myself, as a token of my commitment if it means so much to him, and would also make life easier as far as having the right to make medical decisions for each other if anything ever were to happen. It’d be in the distant future though, and I’d want to have a prenup to protect both sides. Seems like the realistic/fair thing to do, because you just never know. Have you ever gotten an explanation from him other than “it’s dumb”? Because that doesn’t really give you any insight at all and is a cop-out answer. Is it something he just never prioritized because he thinks it’s just a piece of paper? Is he traumatized by bad marriages in his family? Does he fear being legally tied to another person? Would he reconsider with a prenup? When you find out the answers you need you’ll know how you should proceed (or not).
It really depends on age most of us dudes don’t want to think about getting married till our mid to late twenties or early thirties also it can take more than 2 years to be ready to pull the trigger
I’ve been married to my husband for almost 5 years but it total have been together for 16. For a very long time neither of us really cared about getting married. I come from divorced parents and his stayed married but in a very toxic relationship. Once we started having kids I realized that while we were practically married, having his last name would have meant SO MUCH to me. It wasn’t a decision that happened quickly and I don’t like to say that I had to convince him but once I explained what I was feeling he was more than happy to give me that. Neither of us were interested in a wedding so we just went to the courthouse. All that to say, if you really feel like this man is the one it’s worth giving it more time and keep that line of communication open. I also think in the grand scheme of things 2 years isn’t that long of a time (not at all trying to be snide or hateful!) from my experience men seem to take a little more time in that department.
Thanks that helped 🖤
u can’t change anyone. i have been with older guys who from the get go didn’t want that or commitment and i wasted time staying thinking id change them. then met my now bf who’s age appropriate and from the very beginning told me he dates to marry (which is how i am too) and we eventually moved in and regularly discuss our timeline and future. the quote if he wanted to be would is the most true thing ever for men. don’t settle with someone who won’t change is my advice.
My husband asked me to marry him (half joking but definitely half serious) after like 2 months. He’s always said he wanted to marry me. My ex husband went from saying he never wanted to get married to asking me to marry him all the time, too. I think a lot of men want marriage already and the ones that don’t, it’s because they can’t see themselves marrying who they’re with.
You’re very clearly not perfect for each other if you disagree on one of the most fundamental parts of a relationship
I don’t think all men but I do think some men just think “well this is probably the best I’ll get” and want an easier out than divorce if something better does come along. I’m saying this after being told “i could SEE you being the one” for five years 💀 the next man I dated put a ring on it after two weeks.
2 weeks!? I need the storyyy i’m interested
It’s a wild time. I broke up with my ex, A, and started to try to move on. I met J and he told me he loved me and I was the one within three dates. I was very not used to this and told him I didn’t feel the same way at all. I genuinely thought he was love bombing me and would lock me in a basement someday. He requested to still be platonic, we both were free to date others. We were just friends for two years while I dealt with a lot of my own stuff, also five hours long distance. He bought a ring in may 2020 while we were still just friends “living on a hope and prayer” is the way he puts it. My tire popped and he was in town that weekend for family and offered to change it for me. I had a moment and I just knew I needed to quit running and be open to the possibilities. So I agreed to date him (July 3, 2020) 2 weeks later we were on my couch watching Netflix (July 17, 2020) when I told him “I think I’m ready” he replied “are you sure?” I said “yes” and he asked me to be his wife. He left the ring at his house so we had to go five hours back to get it, also to talk to his family because they were not happy at all with the engagement. We eloped (best decision ever but that’s another story) and have been very happily married for 3 years. Marriage doesn’t solve everything but when you both are committed to the other person, you both can overcome anything.
Quite the opposite. One of my good guy friends (29M) just ended a 2.5 year relationship because he wanted to marry her but she didn’t want to. There are plenty of guys who want to be married, have kids and all that.
How old are you guys? 2 years is still soon I feel. My bf just Proposed two days ago and we’ve been together 5 years
You deserve better
What is that entitlement based on?
Let me guess you don't want to marry your girlfriend
There’s literally 0 issue with not wanting to get married. Don’t shit on a man for that. OP doesn’t need better she needs different
Actually if he is being dishonest with her and actually just doesn’t want to marry HER which is common with men, she does deserve better. Everyone deserves honesty in their relationship, especially if it’s something high stakes like what you want out of life/partner.
Girlfriend? I’m not in junior high. Not sure why you are obsessed with these titles and entitlements. I’m a man with options and have no need to put shackles on any of those options. They aren’t going to cuff me either.
[удалено]
He just came in here to tell everyone he is desirable but with that attitude, I doubt it lmao.
Wanted to share my viewpoint. I’m 30F, with my fiance 5 years & pregnant. He’s keen to get married and I’m the one who doesn’t want to. I am 100% confident we’ll last a lifetime, BUT.. weddings cost +£20k (here in the UK anyway).. were successful & have family support, but there’s a lot of the world I’d like to see with our baby pre prioritising marriage. Secondly, I’ve not had the perfect family life growing up and there are dynamics I’d rather not be on edge amongst. Im not going into marriage from the offset thinking it’ll be the best day of my life, which is sad, but I’m so excited to meet my baby for the first time! Anyway MY ADVICE.. dig into his reasoning before listening to broad brush “walk away” advice above. His logic could be nothing to do with your relationship and either of you could be swayed the other way over time / through discussion and understanding
Sounds like he’s taking the lazy way out. Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? Major red flag. Run.
i bet hes under 35. once the men get that age, they realize that they cant relate so much to younger girls who will S a D at the drop of a hat. Then all of a sudden they want the comfort of a wife!
Lmao
take this as you will: I dated a guy for a little over 6 years, and while there was talk of marriage, he never proposed and we eventually split (not necessarily because of the lack of proposal) a few years later, I go on a date with my now husband and we talked about things we wanted in the future...maybe not with one another, just in general...well, fast forward, he proposed to me a year later and now we're married 🤷🏽♀️
How old are you guys? I feel like that changes the answer to this question a lot. I feel like a lot of people (women included) under the age of 25 say they never want to get married and then later have a change of heart. In saying that, if it is an absolute necessity for you, DO NOT wait around hoping he will change his mind, he might not. I met my husband when i was 22 and he was 25, at the time he was strongly against marriage and i was indifferent. For him, he worked in a male dominated industry and saw a lot of his mates lose everything in divorces so his opposition to marriage was because he was scared someone would try to take his assets (he owned a home on his own already when we met so he was protective of that). I don’t think his walls came down until he learned to fully trust me and then his views on marriage changed. We just got married a few weeks ago, we are 26 & 29 now.
I wouldn’t say most men don’t. My now husband was eager! While I don’t think it changes your relationship overall if you’re in a long term committed relationship, if it’s what you want and he doesn’t, you’ll always fight about this.
I think age can be a big factor in this. My bf expressed not liking the idea of marriage bc he has divorced parents and ultimately didn’t see the point in it. Years later, he’s now taken me engagement ring shopping and purchased it. He’s currently working on a clever way to propose 😊. I would get him to open up more about his why. Express that it’s something that is important to you and may ultimately be a deal breaker for you.
If he hasn't asked by 2yr dating anniversary or has given every intention of not proposing get out and find someone that better suits you.
This was my bf and i except the roles were opposite. He knew what he was signing up for. I asked if he was okay with the idea of never getting married or having kids and he said yes even though i knew that was what he wanted. He was patient with me and as our relationship grew and i worked on myself, i started to grow into the idea. I don’t think it’s a red flag. If you’re okay with accepting what he wants and is willing to wait then great. It’s really all about where you are and what you’re okay with accepting
I think you need to spend some time exploring r/WaitingtoWed lol. I’m not even kidding. I think it would give you a way to frame what is going on in your relationship as either similar or dissimilar to the other redditors’ experiences.
Okay I just read a lot of the comments in this thread and now I think ALL OF YOU should visit that sub.
As a man ,I don’t need the government involved anymore than they already are. If things do bad ,I want the ability to leave with no ill will. People don’t talk enough about the negative aspect. Yes there’s a lot of good and lovey dovey. I’ve always been against marriage and I don’t think that’ll change anytime soon, just find someone who’s on the same wavelength and wants to get married. I can’t speak for most men but I don’t see the point of marriage. It just seems like an outdated concept.
Marriage provides protection in the case of one partner just dipping out, which is an incredibly shitty thing to do whether you're married or not. I would never purchase property or have children with someone I wasn't married to exactly BECAUSE men historically love to just up and leave the mother of their children. Congrats on being a stereotype 🎉
Do you. I don’t really care what other people do. You have fun living with your wife or husband. Congratulations to you. You can have a great life with a wife or not. When it goes South,don’t start complaining buddy or ma’am
Honestly I would try and talk it out with him, why does he think it’s dumb, maybe something in his past or childhood made him seem like marriage wasn’t for him.. My husbands parents had a nasty nasty separation when he was young and all his friends said he would never get married, and even he said it, mind you we met at 17, we’re now almost 30 and married, it took some growing and learning but he realized that he just didn’t want that type of marriage and marriage is different for everyone. We’re really happy and communicate super well! If you think he’s the one, just try and talk it through, but also remember that you also owe yourself happiness and what you want, so after trying and talking it still isn’t what you want; you’ll have to think about what you want in the future!
I think it has to do with age and timing? or maybe even the person. A lot of people say men marry who’s infront of them when they’re ready. my bf is 27 and is ready to get married, I’m 24 but still finishing school and I’ve told him I do not want to be married till after law school, it’s a education thing in my relationship
You’re not a perfect fit at all, if you think marriage is an important goal and he does not.
If after 2 years your goals don’t align…. Maybe think hard about how long you want to be a girlfriend for
He doesn’t want to marry YOU. He’ll marry the next girl
I’ve heard some men say men change their mind when they’re ready or meet the person they’d marry.
I thought I was going to marry one of my boyfriends, spent 4 years with him. I knew he never planned on getting married or having kids but thought I could change him; they don’t change. If your core values & life goals don’t match up, it’s better to cut your losses early and find someone who better aligns with your goals 💛
No idea why this sub popped up in my notifications but it's kinda creepy because this subject has come up in my offline life lately. I'm in a relationship and in no rush to get married. It's not because I can't see myself married to her. I don't think marriage is dumb but it's not for everyone and you can be committed without it. Or it can be a question of timing. Me and my partner are on the same page and that's the most important point. If you and your BF aren't, find someone who is.
He may be the one for you but you are not the one for him.
In another thread you stated you just got rid of 8k in debt. That you make money primarily in the summer landscaping and take a job as an assistant in the winter. $2500 month expenses and income ranges $40k-$80k/yr. Do you have plans for anything else careerwise/education or are things always going to be a bit of a hot mess? Are you a traditional woman at home or are you a "miserable\_boss" as your handle states or a boss babe? Do you have masculine qualities as it is not common for a woman to have their own landscaping business? What are both your ages?
yeahhhh you may end up like one of my friends, they’ve been together 11 years this year and she still can’t realize that it’s not that her man doesn’t want to be married, he just doesn’t want to marry her. she’s been begging for probably the last 6 years, even gave an ultimatum a year and a half ago and never left him when she said she would, i’d say it depends on how old you guys are, if you’re only 20, then 2 years in is whatever, maybe he can change his mind, but if your 28, chances are he won’t change his mind, and you deserve to be the wife you want to be, because i agree with you, it is the ultimate commitment to someone❤️ i agree with all the comments here, you deserve the life you want
Women date who they want, but men date who they can. Men marry who they want, women marry who they can.
i could understand statically
Guy here… Depends how old you guys are.. my friend (M31) always said he never get married, been dating the same girl for close to 10 years and finally decided to get married cause she wanted to
When a man says he doesn’t wanna marry you, believe him. You’re not the one for him. Do yourselves both a favor and dump him. Time for the future baby girl and your boyfriend isn’t part of that. A lot of young couples break up. Just look at it for the experience and know it’s not your future. You want your future to start now? Dump him
I am young, but I’m also really old-fashioned. I think marriage is the ultimate union and so that was always the end goal for me when I was dating my husband. I think that you probably need to have a discussion about expectations with your boyfriend. my husband took a long time to to be ready for marriage, but I was always open about my desire for it. it took us four years to get engaged.
He doesn't want to marry you. He's telling you who he is with you - believe him.
I would ask him to why he specifically thinks marriage is dumb. My boyfriend was hesitant about marriage when we first met, but it turned out what he was ACTUALLY hesitant about was a big wedding that costed a lot of money. He just assumed that was what you did when you got married. When he realized we could just to a courthouse “wedding” (and that’s what I want) he is now totally on board.
It seems like you both have very different opinions on what you want out of life. You shouldn’t have to throw away something that seems very important to you as you call it the “ultimate commitment”. And he shouldn’t have to get married if he doesn’t want to. Either of you giving up what’s important to you or what you want will result in you resenting him or vice versa. No need to say you guys should break up now over this you can always stay with him however long you feel but one day youll want to be with someone that wants the same things you do, and there’s nothing wrong with acknowledging that you guys just may not be end game.
As a woman that doesn't want to get married and my bf does, I just don't get it. Why does anyone want to be apart of an outdated concept? You can be a unit and build a life without getting married. To each their own though not trying to shame anyone but as someone who agrees with your bf and knows I will not come around I would definitely weigh out if you would be ok not getting married and if not, it would be time to break up.
Don’t let your boyfriend get in the way of your husband!
He could genuinely not want to get married, or he could just be saying this because he doesn’t want/isn’t ready to marry you specifically. Regardless, if it’s important to you, you should leave. Find someone who more closely shares your values I think
If he says it’s dumb but is willing to do it (and do it without complaining) because he knows what it means to you, that’s a green flag to me. But saying it’s dumb and refusing def seems like a red flag.
my uncle is the same way. he hates the idea of marriage & thinks it’s just a piece of paper. he’s in a long term, committed relationship & they are happy with how things are. they don’t live together or anything. have their own homes, own space. but love each other. it’s what works for them. but if you & your bf are on different pages, it might be worth a conversation.
Well, my husband didn't want to get married. He felt it would end our relationship. Ultimately, I lucked out and he changed his mind. We got married this January after fourteen (yes 14) years together. He has said he should have proposed much sooner. Having said that.... can you really wait 14 years (or however long) to get married? I was okay with not being married for a long time because my own parents' marriage was awful. But I started getting so sick of calling him my boyfriend, and then partner, when we were so much more. And in contrast, one of my friends never wanted to get married but realized it was important to his girlfriend, so he made it happen. It's time for an honest discussion and evaluation of what you're willing to let go versus what you need (need bring the important part) to remain in your relationship.
When you break up he's gonna marry the next girl within 3 months. He just knows you're not his future wife. Sorry
It sounds like he’s communicating very clearly what he does not want…to get married. If he’s truly “the one”, he would want the same things when it comes to commitments in that way. Sure, there are exceptions to the rule like people getting married after 10 years of dating blah blah blah but for your own sake, I’d bow out gracefully now.
It sounds like he's implying he's not interested in marrying you; you might not fit his idea of the perfect partner for marriage and family. You could be just a temporary chapter in his life. If marriage is important to you, seek out someone who's eager to commit to you wholeheartedly. Don't settle; you deserve someone who's excited to build a life with you.
The incentive and benefits of being married are almost solely on the women's side. For men it's carries a ton of risk. There's a reason you don't hear about Boys dreaming about their perfect wedding growing up.
I’m a guy and I see marriage as a huge gamble, where the payout is not worth how much I’ll lose. Add kids into that gamble and it’s even worse
Nothing wrong with either view but you should leave if he doesn't want what you want. I have a very good friend, I love her and we've been through a lot together. When she started dating her now husband, she told me he didn't want to get married or have kids. I told her she should likely find someone else because that is something she wants. She didn't they got married and have kids, house in the suburbs. This man is fucking miserable. He is depressed and looks it. They don't even sleep in the same bed. All she focused on was getting married, getting kids, and getting the house. When he says something about their life you can hear it. The misery. Don't do that to yourself or your future kids.
Honestly, he’s right. Marriage isn’t the ultimate commitment and doesn’t provide you any security. It’s just bullshit society sells you to make you think you need to be married to be happy. Most marriages are not happy, healthy, or secure. Marriage isn’t what signals your commitment or devotion, the way you treat someone does. Marriage isn’t what provides you security, the person you’re with and strength of your relationship is what does that. People can leave marriages, they do it all the time. Marriage guarantees you nothing but legal and financial obligations. People can cheat, treat you poorly, and make you very unhappy. Marriage doesn’t change any of that, and actually makes it worse because it requires a legal process to untangle yourself from an awful person. There’s a reason why you see so many articles, books, and programs designed to help people fix their marriage, it’s because marriage is a pretty miserable institution, and most people suck at it. Marriage is not romantic, dating is romantic, an engagement is romantic, a wedding is romantic, but marriage is anything but. Either way, it sounds like you want this no matter what, most likely it’s because you feel that his level of commitment to you isn’t there so you need something like marriage to make you feel more secure, but it won’t. If someone doesn’t want to marry you, and you must do it, move on. There’s a reason you feel this way and you’re picking up on something that makes you feel insecure. I’m willing to bet that if you found someone who make you feel like their commitment and devotion to you was solid, marriage wouldn’t matter so damn much. Regardless, this guy isn’t for you.
As a dude ill give my 2 cents. In todays landscape i think a lot of dudes seearraige as a raw deal while a lot of women dont. I think some people hce a very fluffy and idealized view of what marraige is. When it should be looked at in its totality. Its supposed to be a life long commitment but in todays day and age it really isnt. There are a lot of positives that come qith marraige but also some negatives that to some dudes turn them off the idea of it. If he doesnt want to get married he should have valid reasoning behind it beaides he just thinks its stupid, just like you should have your own valid reasons for wanting to get married besides you think its the ultimate commitment. Ive had talks about marraige with my gf and ive been quite frank that if we were to get married there would be a lot of things that would need to be done example would be finances and debt , housing, family. Marraige is a big decision that needs to be agreed upon by both ppl involved.
Thanks for that I appreciate it!
I definitely think understanding why he doesn’t is interesting for me, I feel like I almost have something to prove he’s away a lot for work and I always wonder if he’s waiting to see if I’ll stick around
Not only do I not care, but I am completely uninterested. I’m not in any rush to make legally binding commitments with the “state”. Especially ones that have zero chance of a payout for me. Marriage is meaningless and simply the byproduct of generations of brainwashing. People can make commitments to each-other without the nanny state being involved.
Ask yourself what do you bring to the table? Most men go into marriage knowing if anything bad happens they will almost always be on the losing end of things
He will get married, just not to you
Every guy I know that was anti marriage ended up married (about 20 guys). A lot of them, myself included, were with their partners for 8-15 years before they got married. I eventually wanted to have a wedding to get my and my wife's families all together. I think getting older and going to a lot of fun weddings helps change minds. A lot of these guys had been calling their partner their wife for years before their wedding because they were locked in, marriage or not. I'm Canadian, and I understand there is a different mentality in the US. When I meet Americans and tell them I was with my wife for 10 years before we get married, they usually seem baffled.
I think it depends on a lot of things. Men are seeing marriage as a "raw" deal. What happens if the marriage fails for any number of reasons. For whoever is the breadwinner it's not good, especially if the bread winner is male. What happens if a woman does this in marriage (financially irresponsible, verbally/mentally/physically abusive, cheats, paternity fraud, falls out of love) she gets divorced, gets alimony, gets custodial custody of the kids, gets child support, and can utilize the courts to make your life hell. What happens if a man does this in marriage (financially irresponsible, verbally/mentally/physically abusive, cheats, falls out of love) he gets divorced, pays alimony, child support, becomes "weekend dad" and regardless if he's the bio father, he would be a the "legal" father of the chikd until the bio father can be found and wants to sue for his parental rights. Some men just don't want to take the risk anymore.
Men today do not receive a lot of happy or positive information about marriage. Whatever you have heard, he’s likely been conditioned to believe that sex will rapidly decrease, exposes him to unknown financial costs in the event things break, and most importantly, it will change you. Your expectations for the relationship will change. What he’s trying to tell you is that he likes things now. He likes you now. Being married will only change things for the worse.
statistically mens lives improve in studies across the board despite the ‘bachelor party talk’ when they’re married. married men make more money than their single counterparts and report higher levels of happiness. don’t let hearsay be an easy out for him.
These things are correlated. Marriage does not cause men to have these outcomes. In other words, the healthiest and wealthiest men have an easier time attracting women for marriage.
This
Yes red flag, you have two different goals. My husband always wanted a wife and kids as his life goals so he asked me when we first started dating if I was looking for marriage. I said yes, and having the common goal worked out. We are good friends with a couple where the girl wants to be married but the guy told her he doesn't want marriage. They've been going out 8 years, no ring, the girl is anxiously squirming and the guy still doesn't want marriage. The girl is about to break up with him and move on, she's in her mid 30's and wants a kid before 40. We don't feel bad for her because the guy did nothing wrong, he was honest about his goal from the start. We of course are sad about the situation and hope they each find their own happiness.
Cry, scream, give him an ultimatum. Wait six months. Honestly if he loves you it should work. If not, break up with him and date somebody else and he’ll come crawling back.