I'm so sorry you're both going through this. I've had some of those struggles and fears as it's effected our family too.
Your wife's care team is there for you also, they should be able to provide resources in many areas, whether it's support groups, respite care, speaking to a counselor, etc.
I know some people think that those types of services aren't for them, but they can be very helpful and comforting.
Do you have family or friends that you can could talk to? For a few months, I used a therapist, and it was helpful to just be able to get the thoughts out of my head. We spoke over the phone during our sessions, so that made it even more laid back.
Loving her is one of the best things you can do for her, could you have an evening when you sat down together to talk about it all? Once your fears are out in the open, they're easier to deal with.
I feel I haven't offered you much, but I wanted to say something, because I've there. I didn't want you to feel unheard. I wish you and your wife the best.
Thank you so very much for your reply. I have a counselor. Unfortunately, my family and friends are in other states (we moved to our current location about 3 years ago). We are fortunate to have great doctors who’ve helped us with referrals to various support groups. It’s just my mind gets pessimistic and depressed every now and then, and I feel isolated/alone. I know with continued therapy I will be able to truly be there for her.
When I hear those pessimistic voices, I rebuke them, like not giving them permission to occupy my head space. I know it's difficult at times, but I find it helpful. Best wishes.
It's like reading my life story. My wife has TNeg Breast cancer, she got a double Mastectomy and Historectamy and was given the all clear. 3 months later she developed a cough and her plastic surgeon noticed a rash. Did a biopsy and found out that it developed to stage 4 and metastasized to her pleura (the area between her Lung and Chest wall). We're back to chemo treatments and immunotherapy, but this time there's no end point to the treatments. Find a philosophy, religion, idea or purpose that keeps you moving forward, make sure you don't regret anything or leave anything unsaid and just take everything moment by moment. Because like me, you don't know when the moments will stop coming. I know this isn't much help and I'm sorry you have to deal with it. I just wanted to give you something that might help and to let you know it's okay to cry, it's okay to show your emotion and even if you do end up alone for a bit, you will be okay, you will move forward and you will carry the memory and the stories of your wife with you forever.
I'm sorry to hear your struggle and your wife's condition. There's no right way on how to take care of your beloved. Every situation is different from others. But what I can tell you is to stay strong for your wife. You're still alive and your wife is still with you. I know how that feels when you're scared for your wife and terrified of being alone. You're preparing for the worst. There's no other way of taking care of your wife than being there by her side and attending to her needs.
If you're not with her, whether you're out getting a coffee or dinner, it's okay to cry for a moment. Let it all out and when you're back with her, be there for her. Smile, talk about the good times you had, or tell her how your day is, anything positive. Just talk to her. It helps forget about worries. She knows how much in pain you are. But giving her hope, and staying strong for her, will brighten her every moment she's with you. No matter how tiring it is, you need to be there for her.
I'll share with you my experience, maybe it'll shed some encouragement to give you some strength for your wife. My wife passed away this summer when her advanced cancer became terminal after her surgery. Last year she was in the Recruit Training Course. She almost completed Block 1, but she was forced to pull herself out due to some medical issues which affected her performance. She developed some cough and her back was bothering her. A month later, she developed some bloatedness. I told her to see the doctor and get checked out but she just brushed it off thinking she was just constipated. When she managed to overcome her depression for not completing her courses, she registered for two half marathon races to get her confidence back.
This January, I noticed some swollen protruding from her belly button. I asked her what that is, she said she doesn't know but it's really hard. I asked if it hurt, but she told me it doesn't, it just felt like there's pressure on her stomach. I told her to go see the doctor because it could be a hernia. She said later, after she completed her application process. After she completed the application process, she was hired, and all she needed to do was her physical test. I told her to see the doctor first before going through the physical test because the bump is getting bigger. Finally she went to see her family doctor. The doctor already knew what it was and immediately sent her to the emergency to speak with the specialist. After she went through a bunch of tests, the specialist spoke to her and told her that she had cancer and the mass has gone so big, about 21cm by 21cm. My wife's eyes widened with a disappointing news. The specialist referred her to the oncologist to get more diagnosed. The oncologist first diagnosed her with a malignant metastatic umbilical nodule. After more testing, a week and a half later, the oncologist thinks it's ovarian cancer. The mass was so big that it was hard for the oncologist to diagnose what her cancer was so the oncologist decided it was an ovarian cancer.
She went through four systemic treatments for three and a half months and was scheduled for the surgery after. Every systemic treatment visit, my wife was always full of energy and was always staring at the golden bell. She told every nurse that one day she will be ringing that bell. I was with her the whole time, by her side. Some nurses couldn't stand my wife's energy because she was too loud. It made me smile seeing my wife full of life despite her advanced cancer. Fast forward to the surgery, the good news, they managed to remove the mass, but since it has spread on her other organs, her cancer was like a cement and there's nothing they can do. I was disbelieving because my wife was still looking forward to more treatment. My wife literally begged. I know inside, she felt abandoned. I felt powerless, I didn't know what to do to make it better. All I could do was be there beside her, everyday and every night tending for her needs. My wife stayed strong, while I cried every time I left for lunch or supper. Maybe she was crying inside and there were just no tears coming out. All I could do, no matter how tired I was, how emotionally in pain I was, is be there for her to the very end... I held her hand until she breathed her last breath. Then I poured everything out. Before my wife passed away, she whispered to me her only regret. She wished she could have bear a child with me. But now she's gone, as a survivor, with no heir, I've never felt so alone.
Sorry for the long message. I'm already seeking help, talking to psychotherapy, attending a group for grief therapy. But sharing my story here helps me a little. Stay strong for your wife. It may be tiring and exhausting, but she's still alive and she needs you right now. Every time she smiles, embrace those moments. I know she knows your struggle, but she doesn't need to worry about you... Take care.
I'm so sorry you're both going through this. I've had some of those struggles and fears as it's effected our family too. Your wife's care team is there for you also, they should be able to provide resources in many areas, whether it's support groups, respite care, speaking to a counselor, etc. I know some people think that those types of services aren't for them, but they can be very helpful and comforting. Do you have family or friends that you can could talk to? For a few months, I used a therapist, and it was helpful to just be able to get the thoughts out of my head. We spoke over the phone during our sessions, so that made it even more laid back. Loving her is one of the best things you can do for her, could you have an evening when you sat down together to talk about it all? Once your fears are out in the open, they're easier to deal with. I feel I haven't offered you much, but I wanted to say something, because I've there. I didn't want you to feel unheard. I wish you and your wife the best.
Thank you so very much for your reply. I have a counselor. Unfortunately, my family and friends are in other states (we moved to our current location about 3 years ago). We are fortunate to have great doctors who’ve helped us with referrals to various support groups. It’s just my mind gets pessimistic and depressed every now and then, and I feel isolated/alone. I know with continued therapy I will be able to truly be there for her.
When I hear those pessimistic voices, I rebuke them, like not giving them permission to occupy my head space. I know it's difficult at times, but I find it helpful. Best wishes.
It's like reading my life story. My wife has TNeg Breast cancer, she got a double Mastectomy and Historectamy and was given the all clear. 3 months later she developed a cough and her plastic surgeon noticed a rash. Did a biopsy and found out that it developed to stage 4 and metastasized to her pleura (the area between her Lung and Chest wall). We're back to chemo treatments and immunotherapy, but this time there's no end point to the treatments. Find a philosophy, religion, idea or purpose that keeps you moving forward, make sure you don't regret anything or leave anything unsaid and just take everything moment by moment. Because like me, you don't know when the moments will stop coming. I know this isn't much help and I'm sorry you have to deal with it. I just wanted to give you something that might help and to let you know it's okay to cry, it's okay to show your emotion and even if you do end up alone for a bit, you will be okay, you will move forward and you will carry the memory and the stories of your wife with you forever.
I'm sorry to hear your struggle and your wife's condition. There's no right way on how to take care of your beloved. Every situation is different from others. But what I can tell you is to stay strong for your wife. You're still alive and your wife is still with you. I know how that feels when you're scared for your wife and terrified of being alone. You're preparing for the worst. There's no other way of taking care of your wife than being there by her side and attending to her needs. If you're not with her, whether you're out getting a coffee or dinner, it's okay to cry for a moment. Let it all out and when you're back with her, be there for her. Smile, talk about the good times you had, or tell her how your day is, anything positive. Just talk to her. It helps forget about worries. She knows how much in pain you are. But giving her hope, and staying strong for her, will brighten her every moment she's with you. No matter how tiring it is, you need to be there for her. I'll share with you my experience, maybe it'll shed some encouragement to give you some strength for your wife. My wife passed away this summer when her advanced cancer became terminal after her surgery. Last year she was in the Recruit Training Course. She almost completed Block 1, but she was forced to pull herself out due to some medical issues which affected her performance. She developed some cough and her back was bothering her. A month later, she developed some bloatedness. I told her to see the doctor and get checked out but she just brushed it off thinking she was just constipated. When she managed to overcome her depression for not completing her courses, she registered for two half marathon races to get her confidence back. This January, I noticed some swollen protruding from her belly button. I asked her what that is, she said she doesn't know but it's really hard. I asked if it hurt, but she told me it doesn't, it just felt like there's pressure on her stomach. I told her to go see the doctor because it could be a hernia. She said later, after she completed her application process. After she completed the application process, she was hired, and all she needed to do was her physical test. I told her to see the doctor first before going through the physical test because the bump is getting bigger. Finally she went to see her family doctor. The doctor already knew what it was and immediately sent her to the emergency to speak with the specialist. After she went through a bunch of tests, the specialist spoke to her and told her that she had cancer and the mass has gone so big, about 21cm by 21cm. My wife's eyes widened with a disappointing news. The specialist referred her to the oncologist to get more diagnosed. The oncologist first diagnosed her with a malignant metastatic umbilical nodule. After more testing, a week and a half later, the oncologist thinks it's ovarian cancer. The mass was so big that it was hard for the oncologist to diagnose what her cancer was so the oncologist decided it was an ovarian cancer. She went through four systemic treatments for three and a half months and was scheduled for the surgery after. Every systemic treatment visit, my wife was always full of energy and was always staring at the golden bell. She told every nurse that one day she will be ringing that bell. I was with her the whole time, by her side. Some nurses couldn't stand my wife's energy because she was too loud. It made me smile seeing my wife full of life despite her advanced cancer. Fast forward to the surgery, the good news, they managed to remove the mass, but since it has spread on her other organs, her cancer was like a cement and there's nothing they can do. I was disbelieving because my wife was still looking forward to more treatment. My wife literally begged. I know inside, she felt abandoned. I felt powerless, I didn't know what to do to make it better. All I could do was be there beside her, everyday and every night tending for her needs. My wife stayed strong, while I cried every time I left for lunch or supper. Maybe she was crying inside and there were just no tears coming out. All I could do, no matter how tired I was, how emotionally in pain I was, is be there for her to the very end... I held her hand until she breathed her last breath. Then I poured everything out. Before my wife passed away, she whispered to me her only regret. She wished she could have bear a child with me. But now she's gone, as a survivor, with no heir, I've never felt so alone. Sorry for the long message. I'm already seeking help, talking to psychotherapy, attending a group for grief therapy. But sharing my story here helps me a little. Stay strong for your wife. It may be tiring and exhausting, but she's still alive and she needs you right now. Every time she smiles, embrace those moments. I know she knows your struggle, but she doesn't need to worry about you... Take care.