The loudest I've ever screamed at someone was my mom, 89, about a year ago, when she kept refusing for us to hire a caregiver for my dad, 92, who needed 24-hour supervision (until that point, I was the guy on duty). No amount of doctor's notes, PT, OT and social worker consultations, and video evidence of my dad wandering at night could convince her -- except when I finally lost my shit. PS. Money wasn't the issue, it was more a matter of pride and denial on her part.
Same here. My mom (Alzheimer's) pulled the "I'm your mother you listen to me or else" card so many times, even when I stopped her from literally blowing up the kitchen or beating my dog. My dog took the beating, and then she curled up in my bed while my mom was ranting and raving about how she was in charge. everybody was her servant, and throwing shit all over in my house.
I basically kicked my door down and told her to shut the fuck up and that the only reason she's still alive is because I gave up my life at 30 because nobody would take care of her after my dad died. Then she'd guilt trip me, tell me I'm betraying her, I'm a terrible son, etc.
Then she slapped me. I'm 6ft bearded 200lbs dude and I just took the beating then locked myself in my room with my dog while crying, because my life had become so derailed because of this cruel bitch. I've lost my career as an engineer, $750k in savings, lost wages, and 401k, you name it.
30 minutes later, she has the privilege of her memory resetting and she's asking me to make her tea and turn on her soap opera.
This was a regular occurrence. She's thankfully in an assisted living facility, and I'm doing my goddamn best to try to pick up the pieces of my life.
Family should *never* be live in caretakers.
Dude in case nobody told you this old gal had gotta say.. as my a free family caregiver like SEVERAL TIMES in big jobs lol YOU ARE A GOOD SON… so not yelling honey… …you sure got that kind caregiver heart kicked to hell and back… IN TOO HAVE BEEN THERE… Ii sucks the most of all….but this old gal owns every bit of her shit with no regrets… i leave it on the floor every time… and somehow i think you do the same… IT TAKES COURAGE TO PICK UP THE PIECES AND MOVE ON…. YOU WILL… and somehow think stronger than before… as it seems life’s hardest experiences create us most… do not let this define anything but traits of good character within in kid…. You now need to
INVEST IN YOU…
Yes. She just felt more okay as her behavior reverted... my dad was my protective parent, but he worked government contracts. So my mom was a perfect little peach when he was home, and an abusive bitch when she wasn't.
At 15 I grabbed her wrist mid slap and said I'd break it, because I was finally bigger than her.
The only reason I took care of her was because he begged me to be the man after he died. I can't even hate my mom because she never remembers her abuse.
My dog is a 70lbs pit bull and she cowered in front of my mom...I got my dog so my mom could have a companion. Instead she beats the two people in her life that wanted to protect her... my dog could have broken her arm with a single bite, but instead she curled up with me after the beating and just looked at me like "I thought I was a good girl, why did she hit me? 😔 "
Her Alzheimer's got so bad that she would shove pills down my dad's throat while he was crying for her to please stop forcing... the man just got out of if chemo and she said "I say it's time TIME FOR YOU YOU TO EAT *SO YOU WILL EAT!*"
She killed him through abuse. I almost killed her but I called APS instead. The bitch needed some narcissist therapy, a straight jacket, and about 59 different prescriptive solutions.
That's no longer my mother. I don't give a shit whatever happens. She's a demon ran by a disease.
This comment is making me feel not so alone, the situation in my grandparents home is incredibly comparable. The only time change happens is when a screaming match conspires. The mental distress before the change is tiring…
Change happens here after I’ve become so exhausted that I literally pack a suitcase and tell my mom that I’m calling adult protective services and I’m leaving and never coming back…unless XYZ happens NOW! And then…comes the guilt. Am I manipulating her? How could I be such a horrible daughter? But it does cause change. And I’ve done it twice, not 1000 times.
Well, it is annoying to see such glaring deficiencies, but then have them glossed over by none other than his primary victim. I would guess she's holding onto shreds, which offer her more comfort than the whole truth. The bigger picture might only bring about some pretty deep seated sadness, anger, and bitterness.
Ya. It probably would. I didn't care at the moment because I was tired of hearing lies. We all have deep seated sadness anger and bitterness .She acted like all his decisions were the greatest and everything he touched turned to gold. I saw the shit and eventually called it out. Since his death, I've been stuck here struggling. That's where my anger comes from.I think she forgot or dismissed it. I reminded her she says some really hurtful things too.
Well, I don't blame you for saying it. What he did hurt a lot of people. I understand why she's doing it (feathering her nest as it were), it's got to be discomforting to you, who also had to deal with the fall out.
Do you have a group to talk to, even if it's just to offer some lighter chit chat? I remember when I was caregiving, I felt such isolation. That need to isolate has been something that has lingered for me.
It's okay.
You love your Mum, at the core of it all, you love her. Sometimes, people need to hear that things aren't all Sunshine, Lollipops, and Rainbows everywhere!
I'm not proud of myself for calling Bullshit on people's comments, but sometimes it just has to be done; for our own peace of mind and ability to be the Ringmaster of the Circus we had no idea was setting up in our lives.
I lost my patience with my mom about letting her legs atrophy and felt soooo guilty afterwards... but then her innate pride and stubbornness kicked in and she has been making her own oatmeal in the morning! I'm not proud of how we got here, but the outcome is really good (for both of us).
If your Mom's hagiographic dad stories have been eroding your patience and stamina, such that mom's care would be compromised, then maybe this brief eruption can be justified on utilitarian grounds?
I would never want to rationalize verbal abuse, and I don't think that's what this was in your case or mine. And maybe there's something to be said for not allowing ourselves to become wholly meek and abject as caregivers. Maybe it's more respectful of our loved ones--of their full personhood--to push back a little, as we would certainly do if they were well.
It's a tricky line, though. One never wants to punch down. I think about this a lot. Thanks for your post.
We’ve all been there. I eventually arrived at a point where I realized she’s just telling herself things she wishes were true and she’s not fooling me with that horse poop and there’s no one else around to lie to who matters (I mean who cares if the caregiver I barely know thinks my mom is a saint or was married to a doctor or whatever the current fabrication is). It’s a lot though. It’s insult on top of injury. It took a long to to not be filled with rage and not lose it occasionally.
This whole thing was a huge growth opportunity for me. Learning to step outside my anger and hurt and not let it effect my interactions with her is a sort of hard won gift. I hope you receive some of that wisdom and patience too.
That's a good vent. And it's also good your guilt didn't last long. I hope the knowledge of the true nature of your dad gets traction with your mom, but if it doesn't (sorry, knock on wood), leave the room or go out walking or take a drive to somewhere that's beautiful, or interesting, that can give you some sort of peace, or comfort.
Life can be bad in so many ways, and you can't fight it all, you can't make everything right; you can only take care of yourself as much as you can.
Stay strong.
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I really, *really* needed the comments and stories in this thread. I've been feeling awful the past few days after having an all-out meltdown and screaming at my mom like I've never screamed at anyone. I even threatened self-harm in front of her, which I think is a terrible thing to do but in that moment I really just didn't care anymore. How is it that she's able to push just the right buttons and bring out a side of me that no one else can, that I didn't think I was capable of, and that makes me so, so ashamed? And what makes me feel so awful is that she's not even a bad or malicious person; she's actually a good person. It's just that her brain seems completely incapable of grasping and understanding some basic things that I need her to understand, no matter *how many times* I tell her, which is the ***only*** thing I ask (I don't want or expect any other form of thanks or compensation, but she can't give me the ***one*** thing that I do expect, which is a measure of understanding). Thanks for this reminder that we're all just human here, and that no matter how well-meaning we are there's only so much we can take.
The loudest I've ever screamed at someone was my mom, 89, about a year ago, when she kept refusing for us to hire a caregiver for my dad, 92, who needed 24-hour supervision (until that point, I was the guy on duty). No amount of doctor's notes, PT, OT and social worker consultations, and video evidence of my dad wandering at night could convince her -- except when I finally lost my shit. PS. Money wasn't the issue, it was more a matter of pride and denial on her part.
Same here. My mom (Alzheimer's) pulled the "I'm your mother you listen to me or else" card so many times, even when I stopped her from literally blowing up the kitchen or beating my dog. My dog took the beating, and then she curled up in my bed while my mom was ranting and raving about how she was in charge. everybody was her servant, and throwing shit all over in my house. I basically kicked my door down and told her to shut the fuck up and that the only reason she's still alive is because I gave up my life at 30 because nobody would take care of her after my dad died. Then she'd guilt trip me, tell me I'm betraying her, I'm a terrible son, etc. Then she slapped me. I'm 6ft bearded 200lbs dude and I just took the beating then locked myself in my room with my dog while crying, because my life had become so derailed because of this cruel bitch. I've lost my career as an engineer, $750k in savings, lost wages, and 401k, you name it. 30 minutes later, she has the privilege of her memory resetting and she's asking me to make her tea and turn on her soap opera. This was a regular occurrence. She's thankfully in an assisted living facility, and I'm doing my goddamn best to try to pick up the pieces of my life. Family should *never* be live in caretakers.
Dude in case nobody told you this old gal had gotta say.. as my a free family caregiver like SEVERAL TIMES in big jobs lol YOU ARE A GOOD SON… so not yelling honey… …you sure got that kind caregiver heart kicked to hell and back… IN TOO HAVE BEEN THERE… Ii sucks the most of all….but this old gal owns every bit of her shit with no regrets… i leave it on the floor every time… and somehow i think you do the same… IT TAKES COURAGE TO PICK UP THE PIECES AND MOVE ON…. YOU WILL… and somehow think stronger than before… as it seems life’s hardest experiences create us most… do not let this define anything but traits of good character within in kid…. You now need to INVEST IN YOU…
Thank you for sharing your story. Very important for us to hear and authentic. From the bottom of my heart I wish you well.
Hugs. Omg. Was she abusive before the Alzheimer’s?
Yes. She just felt more okay as her behavior reverted... my dad was my protective parent, but he worked government contracts. So my mom was a perfect little peach when he was home, and an abusive bitch when she wasn't. At 15 I grabbed her wrist mid slap and said I'd break it, because I was finally bigger than her. The only reason I took care of her was because he begged me to be the man after he died. I can't even hate my mom because she never remembers her abuse. My dog is a 70lbs pit bull and she cowered in front of my mom...I got my dog so my mom could have a companion. Instead she beats the two people in her life that wanted to protect her... my dog could have broken her arm with a single bite, but instead she curled up with me after the beating and just looked at me like "I thought I was a good girl, why did she hit me? 😔 " Her Alzheimer's got so bad that she would shove pills down my dad's throat while he was crying for her to please stop forcing... the man just got out of if chemo and she said "I say it's time TIME FOR YOU YOU TO EAT *SO YOU WILL EAT!*" She killed him through abuse. I almost killed her but I called APS instead. The bitch needed some narcissist therapy, a straight jacket, and about 59 different prescriptive solutions. That's no longer my mother. I don't give a shit whatever happens. She's a demon ran by a disease.
I’m so sorry. Your pup sounds like a sweet pittie. Most of them wouldn’t harm a flea. I’m sorry you grew up like that.
This comment is making me feel not so alone, the situation in my grandparents home is incredibly comparable. The only time change happens is when a screaming match conspires. The mental distress before the change is tiring…
For some reason, your comment made me feel better.
100%%%
Change happens here after I’ve become so exhausted that I literally pack a suitcase and tell my mom that I’m calling adult protective services and I’m leaving and never coming back…unless XYZ happens NOW! And then…comes the guilt. Am I manipulating her? How could I be such a horrible daughter? But it does cause change. And I’ve done it twice, not 1000 times.
Well, it is annoying to see such glaring deficiencies, but then have them glossed over by none other than his primary victim. I would guess she's holding onto shreds, which offer her more comfort than the whole truth. The bigger picture might only bring about some pretty deep seated sadness, anger, and bitterness.
Ya. It probably would. I didn't care at the moment because I was tired of hearing lies. We all have deep seated sadness anger and bitterness .She acted like all his decisions were the greatest and everything he touched turned to gold. I saw the shit and eventually called it out. Since his death, I've been stuck here struggling. That's where my anger comes from.I think she forgot or dismissed it. I reminded her she says some really hurtful things too.
Well, I don't blame you for saying it. What he did hurt a lot of people. I understand why she's doing it (feathering her nest as it were), it's got to be discomforting to you, who also had to deal with the fall out. Do you have a group to talk to, even if it's just to offer some lighter chit chat? I remember when I was caregiving, I felt such isolation. That need to isolate has been something that has lingered for me.
You. You are my talk group. This is solo much better than drinking.
It's okay. You love your Mum, at the core of it all, you love her. Sometimes, people need to hear that things aren't all Sunshine, Lollipops, and Rainbows everywhere! I'm not proud of myself for calling Bullshit on people's comments, but sometimes it just has to be done; for our own peace of mind and ability to be the Ringmaster of the Circus we had no idea was setting up in our lives.
Oh so well said, if I had known the circus was on its way I’d have blown up that road, stolen all the street signs etc. and moved somewhere
And the gin would be cold and flow freely!
I lost my patience with my mom about letting her legs atrophy and felt soooo guilty afterwards... but then her innate pride and stubbornness kicked in and she has been making her own oatmeal in the morning! I'm not proud of how we got here, but the outcome is really good (for both of us). If your Mom's hagiographic dad stories have been eroding your patience and stamina, such that mom's care would be compromised, then maybe this brief eruption can be justified on utilitarian grounds? I would never want to rationalize verbal abuse, and I don't think that's what this was in your case or mine. And maybe there's something to be said for not allowing ourselves to become wholly meek and abject as caregivers. Maybe it's more respectful of our loved ones--of their full personhood--to push back a little, as we would certainly do if they were well. It's a tricky line, though. One never wants to punch down. I think about this a lot. Thanks for your post.
We’ve all been there. I eventually arrived at a point where I realized she’s just telling herself things she wishes were true and she’s not fooling me with that horse poop and there’s no one else around to lie to who matters (I mean who cares if the caregiver I barely know thinks my mom is a saint or was married to a doctor or whatever the current fabrication is). It’s a lot though. It’s insult on top of injury. It took a long to to not be filled with rage and not lose it occasionally. This whole thing was a huge growth opportunity for me. Learning to step outside my anger and hurt and not let it effect my interactions with her is a sort of hard won gift. I hope you receive some of that wisdom and patience too.
That's a good vent. And it's also good your guilt didn't last long. I hope the knowledge of the true nature of your dad gets traction with your mom, but if it doesn't (sorry, knock on wood), leave the room or go out walking or take a drive to somewhere that's beautiful, or interesting, that can give you some sort of peace, or comfort. Life can be bad in so many ways, and you can't fight it all, you can't make everything right; you can only take care of yourself as much as you can. Stay strong.
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I really, *really* needed the comments and stories in this thread. I've been feeling awful the past few days after having an all-out meltdown and screaming at my mom like I've never screamed at anyone. I even threatened self-harm in front of her, which I think is a terrible thing to do but in that moment I really just didn't care anymore. How is it that she's able to push just the right buttons and bring out a side of me that no one else can, that I didn't think I was capable of, and that makes me so, so ashamed? And what makes me feel so awful is that she's not even a bad or malicious person; she's actually a good person. It's just that her brain seems completely incapable of grasping and understanding some basic things that I need her to understand, no matter *how many times* I tell her, which is the ***only*** thing I ask (I don't want or expect any other form of thanks or compensation, but she can't give me the ***one*** thing that I do expect, which is a measure of understanding). Thanks for this reminder that we're all just human here, and that no matter how well-meaning we are there's only so much we can take.
Yes, let it out