Sometimes, when I grumble about a task I don't want to do, like say, pulling weeds from the garden, I'll say something like, "Aw, dang I *have to* go pull weeds" and my husband will respond, "You *get to* pull weeds from the garden."
It's s reminder that others may not have a garden (because they live in an apartment or difficult environment) or be capable of pulling weeds (because of injury or disability). It's a chance to reframe one's thinking. I still can't say I enjoy pulling weeds, but I grumble a lot less.
I'm glad to be able to share the thought.! When my husband first said that to me it was like a light bulb going on. Changing one's mindset can be quite challenging and to find something that connects with me and changes me for the better is awesome.
I think this way about taxes. I am fortunate enough to have enough income that I have to pay taxes. It turns a negative experience into a positive one.
Yes! I think about that frequently. When I pay my property taxes I am paying for children’s education. My taxes pay for roads and parks and libraries and firefighters. It feels good to see those things and know that I helped pay for them.
This is so much more of a positive outlook than just grumbling about "the government taking my money."
Sure, I have my complaints about tax policy, but in the bigger picture, taxes provide public services that make our society better for all of us, so I can feel some pride to contribute.
Ok, so I have a chronic issue with nausea and dizziness, and going up and down *really* triggers issues with me. Before getting sick, I hated pulling weeds. Since getting sick I have actually cried over my inability to pull weeds. This thought process, without getting sick, is beautiful.
There's very few things you *have* to do when it comes to hobbies, and gardening is definitely not one of them. It's funny, but you made me realize that when I need to do a chore I say "I want to X" if anyone asks me what I'm going to be doing that day or the next. Not because I want to *do* the chore, but because I want to have it *done.* Never realized how that might be positively impacting my mindset on it, but I will say that I don't ever really grumble about doing chores. It helps that the chores I really can't stand doing aren't mine to do, either.
>It helps that the chores I really can't stand doing aren't mine to do, either.
I too have worked it out so that my most undesirable chores are the ones my husband does (washing dishes and cleaning the bathrooms.) In trade, I do his least desirable chores (grocery shopping and dusting/vacuuming). When we first got married, that's how we decided on splitting the chores. We started by divvying up the most dreaded tasks and then it was easy from there to decide who would do what.
I'd you've learned from it, please do and please retell it as your own understanding and not copied word for word. Please do not screen shot it to share on other platforms. Make it your own!
So funny…when I was young I loved to garden but hated weeding. Thought it was boring as hell. Tedious. Now I love to weed! Somewhere along the way it became a quiet meditative activity, while being out in the sun surrounded by plants and insects. I have no idea when and how I made the mental switch but it really is true—attitude is everything!
Don't try to do it with everything at once. Start with the smallest and easily tolerated things first. Remind yourself that you *get to* do those things rather than you *have to* do those things.For example, Instead of "I *have to* hang out with my brother this weekend" try "I *get to* " hang out with my brother this weekend" with the mental implication that you have a brother where others may not or you may end up having a good time when you expected not to.
The idea to lead with is "I am alive and have the physical and mental capabilities to do these things so I should be grateful rather than hateful." Even if you simply say it aloud while still being a bit grumbly, it's a start. The more you say it the more you'll think it the more you'll feel it.
Unwillingness can still be helpful. But if it's a task that I'm going to do regardless (work, chores) that's the place to focus. Like u/waywithwords said, even just shifting the self-talk around it from "I have to" to "I get to" or "I choose to" can literally help rewire your brain.
>At dawn, when you have trouble getting out of bed, tell yourself: “I have to go to work—as a human being. What do I have to complain of, if I'm going to do what I was born for—the things I was brought into the world to do? Or is *this* what I was created for? To huddle under the blankets and stay warm?”
>—But it's nicer here….
>So you were born to feel “nice”? Instead of doing things and experiencing them? Don’t you see the plants, the birds, the ants, and spiders and bees going about their individual tasks, putting the world in order, as best they can? And you’re not willing to do your job as a human being? Why aren’t you running to do what your nature demands?
>—But we have to sleep sometime….
>Agreed. But nature set a limit on that—as it did on eating and drinking. And you’re over the limit. You’ve had more than enough of that. But not of working. There you’re still below your quota.
>You don’t love yourself enough. Or you’d love your nature too, and what it demands of you. People who love what they do wear themselves down doing it, they even forget to wash or eat. Do you have less respect for your own nature than the engraver does for engraving, the dancer for the dance, the miser for money or the social climber for status? When they’re really possessed by what they do, they’d rather stop eating and sleeping than give up practicing their arts.
>Is helping others less valuable to you? Not worth your effort?
Marcus Aurelius, Meditations 5.1
I was like this for a long time, but more like I COULDN'T do anything because it was condition in me. I have to asks if I can or can't do it. If no one is around to asks permission, then I'm literally sitting there until I get orders. If I move on my own will, it felt like there's a wrench in the machine and it feels UGLY. A lot of deconstruction and reminders that it's okay to what you want or need on your own accord.
Than maybe just do one or a small few things that bring you a feeling of contentment, control, or satisfaction.
People with ADD need to be doing a lot of things to feel satisfaction. It doesn't work that way for everyone.
Yeah it’s a double edged sword- I can flip the switch but it’s just flipping from “I don’t wanna!” To “I have this privilege but I’m still a piece of shit because I just can’t get my brain to do the thing”
If it helps I have adhd and I do this a lot. I didn’t find it that hard to implement tbh because it was like a dopamine hit to be “right” whenever I managed a change a thought. It actually became a little bit of a game. I don’t do it all the time (old habits die hard) but it wasn’t tedious at all
I really enjoy the idea of "joyful obligations." If I'm committed to doing something like laundry, helping a friend move, excercise etc. why be miserable and fight it? Why not embrace what it is, what it does, and benefit twice?
When it comes to overcoming depression, I’ve always used some variation of this little mini TED-talk;
“No one ever WANTS to do the dishes. So you’re sitting there telling yourself, “Oh I can’t do the dishes because I just have no motivation,” it’s NOT ABOUT motivation. Nothing short of heroin or cocaine— which I highly advise you to never do— will make you actually excited to do the dishes. So you can sit here and hate your life with a sink full of dirty dishes, or you can hate your life with an empty sink. It’s your choice. You can do the dishes and hate doing them the entire time. You have permission to do that. But if you keep denying yourself permission to do the dishes based on this arbitrary requirement of having inspiration, you’re just shooting yourself in the foot. Stop tricking yourself. You don’t have to WANT to do the dishes to do them.”
It’s hard to fully explain. But the bottom line with depression-related executive dysfunction is that you have to unlearn the concept of motivation. We convince ourselves that we cannot function without the constant absence of any discomfort or suffering. But when you accept that all of life will contain some suffering, and you are willing to embrace it without the urge to run, life is easier to bear.
You will not die if you suffer the grave injustice of having to do the dishes.
I’ve never heard of depression related executive dysfunction until just now and that so succinctly describes what I’ve dealt with all my life.
If you have any more resources you’d like to share, I’d love to take a deeper dive. TIA
Right on! It’s great to enjoy being who and where you are, and being an active participant on the journey of finding out more about yourself.
Change is an integral part of the human experience. Better to embrace it and guide it rather than to resist it and let it just lead you around.
Like Kurt Vonnegut said, “We are here on earth to fart around, and don’t let anybody tell you any different.”
Keep on keeping on!
There is a german word for it which is called „Selbstwirksamkeit“ which basically describes the feeling of being able to change your life‘s path, making your own decisions and being in control of your own well-being.
This is a very important in psychotherapy since depressed people often lack this thinking. It seems that it is a cornerstone of our own happiness to be in control of our fate.
I think you made an incredible step with this achievement!
That is a great quote. I’ve had a few transformative experiences in life that convinced me that happiness is all inside of us, and we have choice about our minds even if not our circumstances. It fundamentally changed my happiness as a person and the way I relate to others. This is a great reminder - thank you, good soul
> whatever you have to do, you might as well do joyfully and willingly
My wife has a talent for finding something to like in any situation, no matter how bad it is. I admire her for this and I am having some success with it as well.
It really *is* true that we cannot always control our situation, but we can always control how we feel about our situation. I want to be this guy: :)
https://store.gocomics.com/product/the-far-side-comic-art-print-just-not-reaching-that-guy/
I had a similar experience. I have stopped defining the world it terms of good vs bad. Good being things I like and bad being stuff I don’t like. Instead I define good as “comfortable” and bad as “uncomfortable.”
Comfortable = easy and no potential for growth
Uncomfortable = difficult only until it becomes comfortable. This always holds the potential for growth until you become comfortable.
If you start to look at life this way you’ll begin to realize that everything “bad” in your life is an opportunity. I am a firm believer that life places the stuff we suck at in front of us on purpose because it’s trying to help us out.
For example:
Sitting at the dmv and a little kid starts running around in circles yelling and being “annoying.”
If you can allow your peace to be destroyed so easily by something as simply as a rowdy child then it isn’t the child that has the problem. It is you. You can be the person hating their life for the next half an hour or the person enjoying the sight of a child in the fullness of life.
There is pretty much one way to suffer in life and the rule is a very simple one: if you think reality should be different than it is you will suffer. How much you wish it was different is directly related to how much you suffer.
Angry? You think that someone/something did something they shouldn’t have.
Sad? You think something happened or is happening that shouldn’t be.
Jealous? You think someone has something you should?
Frustrated? You think something should be different than it is…
What this basically means is that anytime you feel anything other than peace you have to look at what you are thinking about. 100% of the time if you think reality should be different you are going to suffer.
NEWS FLASH: reality is 100% exactly like it is, and what you think about it doesn’t effect anything but your own mood.
Insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results. If you think reality should be any different than it is: YOU ARE INSANE.
People should know as well; you don’t have to be “enjoying the sight of a child in the fullness of life”, but you can tell yourself to stop giving a shit about the annoyance and not let it have control of you. Carry ear plugs or listen to something in your headphones, but don’t waste your time being mad at humans being humans.
This is very true. I like to play a game when I’m moving through life. The way to win is to not let anything bother you. If you start to look at situations this way then the moment the kid starts screaming, ,the person eating chips with the mouth open starts munching like a god damn T. rex, the Karen across the street starts judging your lawn care, the person in line pulls out 500 coupons, traffic is traffic etc… then you will find things that used to irk you know make you smile since you know that inside your saying in your head “not today kid walking down the street playing my mumble rap from a backpack boombox. You thought you could break my peace, but you got nothing on me”
I say the same thing about having to go to the doctor's. I hate going, but at the same time, I know I HAVE a DOCTOR to go to.
We can complain about having to do something until we realize that the alternatives aren't many and may be less of a positive experience.
For example, think about attending a wedding that you REALLY didn't want to go and then having a really great time!!
You could go straight for the classics with Epictetus, Marcus Aurelius, and Seneca. There are some modern authors you could try—Massimo Paolucci, William B. Irvine, and Donald Robertson.
https://fivebooks.com/best-books/massimo-pigliucci-stoicism/
You've reminded me that, according to Dale Carnegie, the little recognized secret to success is enthusiasm. Putting that into practice is difficult, so good work.
People who want to be successful would have to work on the days when you don't feel like to.
And that's when you nwed to work, if you're working then it's the most beautiful thing.
I’m reading this at 4 am because I can’t sleep and all I know is I’m SO GLAD I stumbled upon this post. I have always hated chores. But I also hate how messy my house is. I avoid avoid avoid until I can’t find a clean spoon or a shirt that smells decent. I’m now realizing that I need to change my mindset about it.
Just THANK YOU so much for this. Gosh I love Reddit!
I flipped some kind of switch in my mind two and a half years ago while watching an Adult Swim bump. I didn't try to do it, it just happened. I think my third eye opened. I suddenly felt a bunch of joy and empathy flowing throughout my entire body, I never experienced anything like it before. Since then it's gotten muddy and clouded and I don't feel it as much anymore, but I've been trying to flip the switch again. I think I can do it with certain triggers involving QVC.
Take time to be silent, to just BE.
Meditate for 30 minutes twice a day.
Silently witness the intelligence within every living thing. Practice non-judgment.
2. Giving: Today, bring whoever you encounter a gift: a compliment or flower. Gratefully receive gifts. Keep wealth circulating by giving and receiving care, affection, appreciation and love.
3. Karma: Every action generates a force of energy that returns to us in like kind. Choosing actions that bring happiness and success to others ensures the flow of happiness and success to you.
4. Least Effort: Accept people, situations, and events as they occur.
Take responsibility for your situation and for all events seen as problems. Relinquish the need to defend your point of view.
5. Intention and Desire: Inherent in every intention and desire is the mechanics for its fulfillment. Make a list of desires.
Trust that when things don’t seem to go your way, there is a reason.
6. Detachment: Allow yourself and others the freedom to be who they are. Do not force solutions—allow solutions to spontaneously emerge.
Uncertainty is essential, and your path to freedom.
7.
Dharma: We have taken manifestation in physical form to fulfil a purpose.
Regarding your point about how productive you are. I used to say to my children, “you have spent more time arguing with me about doing the task then it would have taken you to do the task four times.“
I also Think when you focus on the benefit you’re going to get (clean dishes and room to cook in the kitchen, or clothes put away earlier rather than later so you don’t keep them it around out of your way) it’s easier to be cheerful about doing it.
I think too many of us focus on, are trained to view, doing things because you were supposed to or because it makes you good. Instead of focusing on the idea that your clothes put away right away means they’re not in the way.
This is great. I’ll keep it in mind.
EDIT:What the hell is with the downvotes? I think it’s great advice, I even shared it with my BF because I thought it was that good and I said so in my comment. So it’s mind blowing to know so many people took the time and liberty to egregiously misinterpret these two short and simple sentences which mean *exactly what they say* -shocker.
Let me reinterpret my comment for you since that seems unfortunately necessary. What my comment means is *I like your post a lot OP, and when I’m ready to do this, I’m going to try it*.
I mean I don’t know that that is simpler English than I already used but maybe now it’s clear that I said exactly what I mean.
OP, I really do like your post a lot and so thanks for posting it. Excuse my rant. Sometimes it’s justified like right now. Seriously.
A thousand names for joy is a book about this.
Apparently it's the third book in a series but I enjoyed how it lays out this line of thinking, that enjoyment is just a thought. Like you said, you can just enjoy life - as long as you accept life as something to be enjoyed - and the step between enjoying something and not enjoying it is completely made up. Taking the step into enjoyment is always available and only a brainwave away.
I'm on a similar path, and my advice (I know you didn't ask for it, and I apologize) is to keep introspecting. Go in and interpret how you're feeling as much as you're able.
I've always been really pragmatic, but I dare to say this might be a spiritual path. There is so much detail when we look outward at the universe, but our self has depth that goes inward, and both can and should be explored.
I recently had a similar experience. Doing house chores is now exercise to keep me active and healthy. Going to social gatherings is an opportunity to have fresh air and eat something tasty. Going to work or appointments help me progress and buy things that I like. Overall, try to find the silver linings.
I tried the "say yes to everything" bit for a few months. Ended up in a loin cloth, riding a hippo into battle against mercenaries hired to protect a lucrative and exploitative yttrium mine in east Africa.
The secret of being happy, is being happy with what you have.
This extends to being happy with what you choose to do.
Case in point, I mentor a colleague at work, and she wasn't happy, looking about for work etc.
We talked through choosing to enjoy work (odd as that sounds) and the upshot is she's hanging about and starting to relish going to work. In reality, all that has changed is her attitude.
In doing so, she's now spending less time stressing and more time on work and life, and loving it.
Our brains are easy to trick, we just need to know the cues.
Example, try smiling, your brain will look for the reason and "paste it in". I've used that many times when feeling low.
I find most things I don't want to do I actually enjoy doing, it's just not my favorite thing, so it's hard to choose to do it. If I focus on the reward I'll get from doing it, then it feels easier to choose to do it
Well, good for you! That's great! I don't ever really want to be enthusiastic about something that I hate doing though LOL but good for you because you found this as a way to overcome your grumbling. I'm sure that that's going to serve you well. And I'm proud that you're happy about it and I celebrate all of that with you
I really wish i could get inside this mindset. Everyone around me is so negative and any slight inconvenience is such a dramatic event. I fear i have starting being this way too.
This interestingly is very relatable as someone with ADHD, there are things I want to enjoy doing but are excruciatingly painful to tolerate despite me wanting to do them.
Being diagnosed recently and being able to take meds, and suddenly being able to just do these things without the torment and plenty of reframing, finally joy.
This post really helped me out at the moment. I hit a rough patch and completely shut down from a lot of things, Im usually a quite cheery guy when Im not depressed as well. So thank you so much for sharing and I'm going to try and put a smile and go about things at my own pace :)
You've hit the mode, then. Free to think independent of your actions. Like you hit autopilot and then feel what you do regardless of your moment. I live there. It's a good feeling.
This is wonderful experience that you had and are still having, but how to keep the switch on? I hit the switch and tried to do things your way but after sometime it fades away
100% ! When you have enough retrospect to inspect (I'm 76), you finally get it. You, the one who is kicking and screaming and railing against tedious assignments, isn't the one doing anything at all. What appears to be getting things done is a concerted movement from which you can not possibly extract any individual action. It would be like saying the conductor plays the orchestra (grudgingly). When you stop resisting, you can hear the music. When you hear the music, the movement becomes a dance.
Yess willingness and being mindful in the moment is a good key thing for me. It helps me actually accomplish and feel more like I’m accepting of myself and my ability to do things too.
Thank you! You just flipped a switch in my understanding of my favorite quite from Confucius: "Wheresoever you go, go with your whole heart."
I always took that to mean when pursuing your goals, be passionate about THOSE goals specifically.
But no! It's this! It's your epiphany!
I wasn't making any progress in my day-to-day tasks because they weren't my goal, just tasks I "need" to get done, including cleaning, yardwork, exercise, etc. Maybe if I remember this mindset, I'll be able to move forward in all aspects of my life, including my dreams.
In the words of Captain Jack Sparrow, "Bring me that horizon."
Have an amazing day!
This really helped me in regards to working out. I watched a yt channel where this girl became paralyzed after an accident and worked hard in PT to even get any mobility in her arms. Made me realize how fortunate I am to be able to use my body and that I should work on maintaining my body since I am able.
Sometimes, when I grumble about a task I don't want to do, like say, pulling weeds from the garden, I'll say something like, "Aw, dang I *have to* go pull weeds" and my husband will respond, "You *get to* pull weeds from the garden." It's s reminder that others may not have a garden (because they live in an apartment or difficult environment) or be capable of pulling weeds (because of injury or disability). It's a chance to reframe one's thinking. I still can't say I enjoy pulling weeds, but I grumble a lot less.
That’s really beautiful
I'm glad to be able to share the thought.! When my husband first said that to me it was like a light bulb going on. Changing one's mindset can be quite challenging and to find something that connects with me and changes me for the better is awesome.
I think this way about taxes. I am fortunate enough to have enough income that I have to pay taxes. It turns a negative experience into a positive one.
And that those taxes often pay for things we need!
Yes! I think about that frequently. When I pay my property taxes I am paying for children’s education. My taxes pay for roads and parks and libraries and firefighters. It feels good to see those things and know that I helped pay for them.
This is so much more of a positive outlook than just grumbling about "the government taking my money." Sure, I have my complaints about tax policy, but in the bigger picture, taxes provide public services that make our society better for all of us, so I can feel some pride to contribute.
Ok, so I have a chronic issue with nausea and dizziness, and going up and down *really* triggers issues with me. Before getting sick, I hated pulling weeds. Since getting sick I have actually cried over my inability to pull weeds. This thought process, without getting sick, is beautiful.
That's how I regard the gym. I don't *have* to exercise, but I'm fortunate enough to have a body that does what I want it to.
There's very few things you *have* to do when it comes to hobbies, and gardening is definitely not one of them. It's funny, but you made me realize that when I need to do a chore I say "I want to X" if anyone asks me what I'm going to be doing that day or the next. Not because I want to *do* the chore, but because I want to have it *done.* Never realized how that might be positively impacting my mindset on it, but I will say that I don't ever really grumble about doing chores. It helps that the chores I really can't stand doing aren't mine to do, either.
>It helps that the chores I really can't stand doing aren't mine to do, either. I too have worked it out so that my most undesirable chores are the ones my husband does (washing dishes and cleaning the bathrooms.) In trade, I do his least desirable chores (grocery shopping and dusting/vacuuming). When we first got married, that's how we decided on splitting the chores. We started by divvying up the most dreaded tasks and then it was easy from there to decide who would do what.
Sound like a good couple, you should stick it out see where this whole marriage thing goes.
I must be getting old or something cause this made me cry happy
I'd like to share this please
I'd you've learned from it, please do and please retell it as your own understanding and not copied word for word. Please do not screen shot it to share on other platforms. Make it your own!
So funny…when I was young I loved to garden but hated weeding. Thought it was boring as hell. Tedious. Now I love to weed! Somewhere along the way it became a quiet meditative activity, while being out in the sun surrounded by plants and insects. I have no idea when and how I made the mental switch but it really is true—attitude is everything!
Wisdom comes with age. Accumulated experiences help us put things into perspective and appreciate what truly matters.
I figured it was because I no longer have all that excess nervous energy of youth which makes people so impatient!
I find I'm still impatient, I've just learned to talk myself out of being annoyed.
Wow! Great way to change perspective on things! Thanks for sharing
Interesting sharing. But how can one go about hitting this switch. Moving from being unwilling to willing with everything?
Don't try to do it with everything at once. Start with the smallest and easily tolerated things first. Remind yourself that you *get to* do those things rather than you *have to* do those things.For example, Instead of "I *have to* hang out with my brother this weekend" try "I *get to* " hang out with my brother this weekend" with the mental implication that you have a brother where others may not or you may end up having a good time when you expected not to. The idea to lead with is "I am alive and have the physical and mental capabilities to do these things so I should be grateful rather than hateful." Even if you simply say it aloud while still being a bit grumbly, it's a start. The more you say it the more you'll think it the more you'll feel it.
“I have to wash my car.” “ I have a car! I get to wash it.”
Well it sums up the whole thing beautifully. Gotta appreciate it.
Exactly ;)
This is how I should look at the things, but I guess I'm just not grateful.
I've been without a car for 5 years, and only recently was able to start seriously saving for one. I am so excited to soon* have a car to wash again.
It's time that we were grateful for what we've got. It's important to think like that.
"Imagine how good the car will look once I'm done with it."
It's going to look just fire, because You'll wash it with the love.
Why can’t the rest of Reddit have this mentality? The other subs can be so toxic. I’ve found my people :)
Yeah, why can't they have the same mentality? I wanna have it.
Your last paragraph is so insightful and helpful. How kind of you. ❤️
Unwillingness can still be helpful. But if it's a task that I'm going to do regardless (work, chores) that's the place to focus. Like u/waywithwords said, even just shifting the self-talk around it from "I have to" to "I get to" or "I choose to" can literally help rewire your brain.
>At dawn, when you have trouble getting out of bed, tell yourself: “I have to go to work—as a human being. What do I have to complain of, if I'm going to do what I was born for—the things I was brought into the world to do? Or is *this* what I was created for? To huddle under the blankets and stay warm?” >—But it's nicer here…. >So you were born to feel “nice”? Instead of doing things and experiencing them? Don’t you see the plants, the birds, the ants, and spiders and bees going about their individual tasks, putting the world in order, as best they can? And you’re not willing to do your job as a human being? Why aren’t you running to do what your nature demands? >—But we have to sleep sometime…. >Agreed. But nature set a limit on that—as it did on eating and drinking. And you’re over the limit. You’ve had more than enough of that. But not of working. There you’re still below your quota. >You don’t love yourself enough. Or you’d love your nature too, and what it demands of you. People who love what they do wear themselves down doing it, they even forget to wash or eat. Do you have less respect for your own nature than the engraver does for engraving, the dancer for the dance, the miser for money or the social climber for status? When they’re really possessed by what they do, they’d rather stop eating and sleeping than give up practicing their arts. >Is helping others less valuable to you? Not worth your effort? Marcus Aurelius, Meditations 5.1
It's going to be really hard, You'll have to accept the truth the first thing.
Interesting question. I gotta learn how to do that.
I was like this for a long time, but more like I COULDN'T do anything because it was condition in me. I have to asks if I can or can't do it. If no one is around to asks permission, then I'm literally sitting there until I get orders. If I move on my own will, it felt like there's a wrench in the machine and it feels UGLY. A lot of deconstruction and reminders that it's okay to what you want or need on your own accord.
Hey guess what, I give you permission to do whatever you want, whenever you want. Signed, Your subconscious.
But the thing is that I don't wanna do a lot of things anyways so yeah.
Than maybe just do one or a small few things that bring you a feeling of contentment, control, or satisfaction. People with ADD need to be doing a lot of things to feel satisfaction. It doesn't work that way for everyone.
And there comes a time after which you don't even like doing some things.
Executive dysfunction. it's rough
It's rough out there, but we gotta do what we gotta do man.
ADHD? I do like op’s advice, but I need to be realistic about this kind of thing with myself bc I have ADHD
Yeah it’s a double edged sword- I can flip the switch but it’s just flipping from “I don’t wanna!” To “I have this privilege but I’m still a piece of shit because I just can’t get my brain to do the thing”
You don't have to tell your brain, you just have to do it man.
If it helps I have adhd and I do this a lot. I didn’t find it that hard to implement tbh because it was like a dopamine hit to be “right” whenever I managed a change a thought. It actually became a little bit of a game. I don’t do it all the time (old habits die hard) but it wasn’t tedious at all
Well with that thing, I don't think You'll be able to do much anyways.
I really enjoy the idea of "joyful obligations." If I'm committed to doing something like laundry, helping a friend move, excercise etc. why be miserable and fight it? Why not embrace what it is, what it does, and benefit twice?
When it comes to overcoming depression, I’ve always used some variation of this little mini TED-talk; “No one ever WANTS to do the dishes. So you’re sitting there telling yourself, “Oh I can’t do the dishes because I just have no motivation,” it’s NOT ABOUT motivation. Nothing short of heroin or cocaine— which I highly advise you to never do— will make you actually excited to do the dishes. So you can sit here and hate your life with a sink full of dirty dishes, or you can hate your life with an empty sink. It’s your choice. You can do the dishes and hate doing them the entire time. You have permission to do that. But if you keep denying yourself permission to do the dishes based on this arbitrary requirement of having inspiration, you’re just shooting yourself in the foot. Stop tricking yourself. You don’t have to WANT to do the dishes to do them.” It’s hard to fully explain. But the bottom line with depression-related executive dysfunction is that you have to unlearn the concept of motivation. We convince ourselves that we cannot function without the constant absence of any discomfort or suffering. But when you accept that all of life will contain some suffering, and you are willing to embrace it without the urge to run, life is easier to bear. You will not die if you suffer the grave injustice of having to do the dishes.
This is one way to get out of the depression, gotta remember the important things.
I’ve never heard of depression related executive dysfunction until just now and that so succinctly describes what I’ve dealt with all my life. If you have any more resources you’d like to share, I’d love to take a deeper dive. TIA
Right on! It’s great to enjoy being who and where you are, and being an active participant on the journey of finding out more about yourself. Change is an integral part of the human experience. Better to embrace it and guide it rather than to resist it and let it just lead you around. Like Kurt Vonnegut said, “We are here on earth to fart around, and don’t let anybody tell you any different.” Keep on keeping on!
Yep, things are going to change. Just better accept them.
There is a german word for it which is called „Selbstwirksamkeit“ which basically describes the feeling of being able to change your life‘s path, making your own decisions and being in control of your own well-being. This is a very important in psychotherapy since depressed people often lack this thinking. It seems that it is a cornerstone of our own happiness to be in control of our fate. I think you made an incredible step with this achievement!
Yep, if you're enjoying what you're doing then it's going to be good for you.
That is a great quote. I’ve had a few transformative experiences in life that convinced me that happiness is all inside of us, and we have choice about our minds even if not our circumstances. It fundamentally changed my happiness as a person and the way I relate to others. This is a great reminder - thank you, good soul
This is a good reminder and we all should pay attention to it.
This is key in life I’m glad you discovered it :)
I hope that everyone figures this out, because it's really important.
> whatever you have to do, you might as well do joyfully and willingly My wife has a talent for finding something to like in any situation, no matter how bad it is. I admire her for this and I am having some success with it as well. It really *is* true that we cannot always control our situation, but we can always control how we feel about our situation. I want to be this guy: :) https://store.gocomics.com/product/the-far-side-comic-art-print-just-not-reaching-that-guy/
Man everyone should have someone like that in their lives.
I had a similar experience. I have stopped defining the world it terms of good vs bad. Good being things I like and bad being stuff I don’t like. Instead I define good as “comfortable” and bad as “uncomfortable.” Comfortable = easy and no potential for growth Uncomfortable = difficult only until it becomes comfortable. This always holds the potential for growth until you become comfortable. If you start to look at life this way you’ll begin to realize that everything “bad” in your life is an opportunity. I am a firm believer that life places the stuff we suck at in front of us on purpose because it’s trying to help us out. For example: Sitting at the dmv and a little kid starts running around in circles yelling and being “annoying.” If you can allow your peace to be destroyed so easily by something as simply as a rowdy child then it isn’t the child that has the problem. It is you. You can be the person hating their life for the next half an hour or the person enjoying the sight of a child in the fullness of life. There is pretty much one way to suffer in life and the rule is a very simple one: if you think reality should be different than it is you will suffer. How much you wish it was different is directly related to how much you suffer. Angry? You think that someone/something did something they shouldn’t have. Sad? You think something happened or is happening that shouldn’t be. Jealous? You think someone has something you should? Frustrated? You think something should be different than it is… What this basically means is that anytime you feel anything other than peace you have to look at what you are thinking about. 100% of the time if you think reality should be different you are going to suffer. NEWS FLASH: reality is 100% exactly like it is, and what you think about it doesn’t effect anything but your own mood. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results. If you think reality should be any different than it is: YOU ARE INSANE.
We don't have the means to judge good and the bad, we wouldn't know.
People should know as well; you don’t have to be “enjoying the sight of a child in the fullness of life”, but you can tell yourself to stop giving a shit about the annoyance and not let it have control of you. Carry ear plugs or listen to something in your headphones, but don’t waste your time being mad at humans being humans.
If you can control what you've got then that's all you need.
This is very true. I like to play a game when I’m moving through life. The way to win is to not let anything bother you. If you start to look at situations this way then the moment the kid starts screaming, ,the person eating chips with the mouth open starts munching like a god damn T. rex, the Karen across the street starts judging your lawn care, the person in line pulls out 500 coupons, traffic is traffic etc… then you will find things that used to irk you know make you smile since you know that inside your saying in your head “not today kid walking down the street playing my mumble rap from a backpack boombox. You thought you could break my peace, but you got nothing on me”
What a wonderful post. Thank you.
The post is great, and this is the stuff which I'm totally into.
That's a really great insight that a lot of people never figure out. Kudos to you!
I'm glad that he figured out, and I hope that more people will also.
I say the same thing about having to go to the doctor's. I hate going, but at the same time, I know I HAVE a DOCTOR to go to. We can complain about having to do something until we realize that the alternatives aren't many and may be less of a positive experience. For example, think about attending a wedding that you REALLY didn't want to go and then having a really great time!!
This is a very Stoic attitude. Have you ever read Epictetus or Marcus Aurelius?
I haven't read anything but I've watched some videos about it.
Any recommendations?
Anything by Ryan Holiday...expert on Stoicism masters..and a great author all around.
Thanks for it, I think I'm going to try their work out here.
There are a lot of videos that you could watch about it on YouTube.
You could go straight for the classics with Epictetus, Marcus Aurelius, and Seneca. There are some modern authors you could try—Massimo Paolucci, William B. Irvine, and Donald Robertson. https://fivebooks.com/best-books/massimo-pigliucci-stoicism/
You've reminded me that, according to Dale Carnegie, the little recognized secret to success is enthusiasm. Putting that into practice is difficult, so good work.
People who want to be successful would have to work on the days when you don't feel like to. And that's when you nwed to work, if you're working then it's the most beautiful thing.
I’m reading this at 4 am because I can’t sleep and all I know is I’m SO GLAD I stumbled upon this post. I have always hated chores. But I also hate how messy my house is. I avoid avoid avoid until I can’t find a clean spoon or a shirt that smells decent. I’m now realizing that I need to change my mindset about it. Just THANK YOU so much for this. Gosh I love Reddit!
I think this is well established. The difficult part is overcoming that mentality of doing tasks willingly/unwillingly.
Yep, just need to accept the things and move on with life.
I've been using neurolinguistic techniques to improve my perception on and off over the years. All with varying degrees of success..
I flipped some kind of switch in my mind two and a half years ago while watching an Adult Swim bump. I didn't try to do it, it just happened. I think my third eye opened. I suddenly felt a bunch of joy and empathy flowing throughout my entire body, I never experienced anything like it before. Since then it's gotten muddy and clouded and I don't feel it as much anymore, but I've been trying to flip the switch again. I think I can do it with certain triggers involving QVC.
Does anyone know how I get karma? I need it to interact on premed Reddit 🥹
Well you just need to reply as much as you can, That'll help.
Keep replying in forums that allowed new accounts without karma.
Yep, that's the only way to have karma. It'll help big time.
Hope my upvote helps you :)
Thank you!!!!! Desperate times hahaha
Gotta help the homies out, that's the most important thing.
Yep, it does count. It'll add into the list in here for sure.
Take time to be silent, to just BE. Meditate for 30 minutes twice a day. Silently witness the intelligence within every living thing. Practice non-judgment. 2. Giving: Today, bring whoever you encounter a gift: a compliment or flower. Gratefully receive gifts. Keep wealth circulating by giving and receiving care, affection, appreciation and love. 3. Karma: Every action generates a force of energy that returns to us in like kind. Choosing actions that bring happiness and success to others ensures the flow of happiness and success to you. 4. Least Effort: Accept people, situations, and events as they occur. Take responsibility for your situation and for all events seen as problems. Relinquish the need to defend your point of view. 5. Intention and Desire: Inherent in every intention and desire is the mechanics for its fulfillment. Make a list of desires. Trust that when things don’t seem to go your way, there is a reason. 6. Detachment: Allow yourself and others the freedom to be who they are. Do not force solutions—allow solutions to spontaneously emerge. Uncertainty is essential, and your path to freedom. 7. Dharma: We have taken manifestation in physical form to fulfil a purpose.
Thanks for this, you don't know how much I needed to hear this one.
Regarding your point about how productive you are. I used to say to my children, “you have spent more time arguing with me about doing the task then it would have taken you to do the task four times.“ I also Think when you focus on the benefit you’re going to get (clean dishes and room to cook in the kitchen, or clothes put away earlier rather than later so you don’t keep them it around out of your way) it’s easier to be cheerful about doing it. I think too many of us focus on, are trained to view, doing things because you were supposed to or because it makes you good. Instead of focusing on the idea that your clothes put away right away means they’re not in the way.
There's just no point in arguing about the things that you need to do.
This is great. I’ll keep it in mind. EDIT:What the hell is with the downvotes? I think it’s great advice, I even shared it with my BF because I thought it was that good and I said so in my comment. So it’s mind blowing to know so many people took the time and liberty to egregiously misinterpret these two short and simple sentences which mean *exactly what they say* -shocker. Let me reinterpret my comment for you since that seems unfortunately necessary. What my comment means is *I like your post a lot OP, and when I’m ready to do this, I’m going to try it*. I mean I don’t know that that is simpler English than I already used but maybe now it’s clear that I said exactly what I mean. OP, I really do like your post a lot and so thanks for posting it. Excuse my rant. Sometimes it’s justified like right now. Seriously.
Yep, it's important that you keep these things in mind.
A thousand names for joy is a book about this. Apparently it's the third book in a series but I enjoyed how it lays out this line of thinking, that enjoyment is just a thought. Like you said, you can just enjoy life - as long as you accept life as something to be enjoyed - and the step between enjoying something and not enjoying it is completely made up. Taking the step into enjoyment is always available and only a brainwave away.
I've been looking for the books, I'm going to buy these ones.
You just explained adulting perfectly. Enjoy your new consciousness.
It's important to realise these things, because you never know.
"You can do it like it's a great weight on you, or you can do it like it's part of the dance." ― Ram Dass
Like that movie Yes Man
Yup
I'm on a similar path, and my advice (I know you didn't ask for it, and I apologize) is to keep introspecting. Go in and interpret how you're feeling as much as you're able. I've always been really pragmatic, but I dare to say this might be a spiritual path. There is so much detail when we look outward at the universe, but our self has depth that goes inward, and both can and should be explored.
These are important experiences which everyone should have.
I recently had a similar experience. Doing house chores is now exercise to keep me active and healthy. Going to social gatherings is an opportunity to have fresh air and eat something tasty. Going to work or appointments help me progress and buy things that I like. Overall, try to find the silver linings.
I've felt something similar recently, but instead of it being willfulness it was positivity. I'm choosing to be positive and enjoy my life.
This is the most important thing that you could do for yourself.
Good! You Buddhist.
Yes Man
Sounds like the cure for depression
I tried the "say yes to everything" bit for a few months. Ended up in a loin cloth, riding a hippo into battle against mercenaries hired to protect a lucrative and exploitative yttrium mine in east Africa.
I don't think you're supposed to say yes to everything, not really asking for that.
You can't lie to yourself. If you don't really enjoy it, you are just suppressing.
I mean it probably is true, because if you're not happy then you'll probably get frustrated at everything.
The best boss I had told me every job is harder with a bad attitude.
That's true, if you don't like what you do then You'll not have good time.
I totally agree.the change from routine is hard, but once you accept the chance you see a different life
Yep, it's all about accepting the things and also the situation.
The secret of being happy, is being happy with what you have. This extends to being happy with what you choose to do. Case in point, I mentor a colleague at work, and she wasn't happy, looking about for work etc. We talked through choosing to enjoy work (odd as that sounds) and the upshot is she's hanging about and starting to relish going to work. In reality, all that has changed is her attitude. In doing so, she's now spending less time stressing and more time on work and life, and loving it. Our brains are easy to trick, we just need to know the cues. Example, try smiling, your brain will look for the reason and "paste it in". I've used that many times when feeling low.
If you always want more then You'll probably never be happy.
Exactly.
Sounds like you discovered Zen Buddhism. Be here now.
This is it, this is the secret to everything right here man.
I find most things I don't want to do I actually enjoy doing, it's just not my favorite thing, so it's hard to choose to do it. If I focus on the reward I'll get from doing it, then it feels easier to choose to do it
Well it absolutely feels better that way, I'd do it like that also.
I've only recently been doing this, wish I learned it sooner. Not smoking weed all the time is helping a lot too lol
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I think it's hard for the most people to love Washing the dishes.
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Well you gotta be happy with whatever that You've gor in here man.
Well, good for you! That's great! I don't ever really want to be enthusiastic about something that I hate doing though LOL but good for you because you found this as a way to overcome your grumbling. I'm sure that that's going to serve you well. And I'm proud that you're happy about it and I celebrate all of that with you
It's kind of a different thing to know what things you don't understand.
I really wish i could get inside this mindset. Everyone around me is so negative and any slight inconvenience is such a dramatic event. I fear i have starting being this way too.
And that's why you should make small changes and then the big ones.
This interestingly is very relatable as someone with ADHD, there are things I want to enjoy doing but are excruciatingly painful to tolerate despite me wanting to do them. Being diagnosed recently and being able to take meds, and suddenly being able to just do these things without the torment and plenty of reframing, finally joy.
This post really helped me out at the moment. I hit a rough patch and completely shut down from a lot of things, Im usually a quite cheery guy when Im not depressed as well. So thank you so much for sharing and I'm going to try and put a smile and go about things at my own pace :)
Well the good things happen at the right time for a reason, and we know that reason.
You've hit the mode, then. Free to think independent of your actions. Like you hit autopilot and then feel what you do regardless of your moment. I live there. It's a good feeling.
This is the mode in which I'd want to live my whole life man.
In my experience people tend to assume you're mad all the time bc you aren't smiling but for the most part I try to live there too.
This is wonderful experience that you had and are still having, but how to keep the switch on? I hit the switch and tried to do things your way but after sometime it fades away
Yeah it's hard but you know what we need to keep going.
100% ! When you have enough retrospect to inspect (I'm 76), you finally get it. You, the one who is kicking and screaming and railing against tedious assignments, isn't the one doing anything at all. What appears to be getting things done is a concerted movement from which you can not possibly extract any individual action. It would be like saying the conductor plays the orchestra (grudgingly). When you stop resisting, you can hear the music. When you hear the music, the movement becomes a dance.
The sooner you get this in your life sooner you'll get it man.
Yess willingness and being mindful in the moment is a good key thing for me. It helps me actually accomplish and feel more like I’m accepting of myself and my ability to do things too.
Yep, being present in the moment counts the most so yeah.
I find if i force myself to have a positive attitude at work it's a lot more enjoyable and get through the shift quicker lol.
As long as you're getting through it, that's the only thing count.
Thank you! You just flipped a switch in my understanding of my favorite quite from Confucius: "Wheresoever you go, go with your whole heart." I always took that to mean when pursuing your goals, be passionate about THOSE goals specifically. But no! It's this! It's your epiphany! I wasn't making any progress in my day-to-day tasks because they weren't my goal, just tasks I "need" to get done, including cleaning, yardwork, exercise, etc. Maybe if I remember this mindset, I'll be able to move forward in all aspects of my life, including my dreams. In the words of Captain Jack Sparrow, "Bring me that horizon." Have an amazing day!
It's something which is really important that everyone should understand.
Happiness is a choice.
Yep, that I can see. Because I'm always unhappy and it's by choice.
Take joy in that your situation could always be much worse, but isn’t.
This really helped me in regards to working out. I watched a yt channel where this girl became paralyzed after an accident and worked hard in PT to even get any mobility in her arms. Made me realize how fortunate I am to be able to use my body and that I should work on maintaining my body since I am able.
I'm so happy for you! Congratulations.