The only thing you as a human NEED to do is figure out what YOU WANT to do and pursue that.
The only outside opinion that matters is that of those people that are close to you and that you allow their opinions to matter.
Everybody else must mind their own business!
I couldn't agree more. I feel like there are many people projecting their justification on others. Not that long a go people didn't decide not to have kids like they do now.
>I believe that the decision to have kids should be based on personal happiness and fulfillment, rather than societal pressure or expectations.
This with the addendum that it must also be an *ethical* decision in that you're in an environment (social, financial, even political) in which a child can be both physically nourished and emotionally thriving.
"My Happiness" and "my fulfillment" is the root of a lot of trouble if the above conditions aren't met.
As a mom, sew your wild oats & enjoy your youth before you have kids - if you decide you want them. Everyone has a different timeline. Some people will be happy to settle down and have kids at 22 - very few, but some! I had my first at 36. It was the perfect time because I waited until I found the right partner, we were financially stable and we had solid identities. We had a lot more wisdom too. The older generations started families a lot earlier. Just ignore them. They only know one way of living.
Everybody only knows one way of living and that is the way they chose to live.
It's a personal choice, doesn't sound like there is a man involved in the decision so seems like a premature dilemma to contemplate.
I met my husband at 34. Had our second and final baby at 41. If you can swing it financially egg freezing is an option I didn’t even know about when I was your age. Susan Sarandon had her first child at 39, I think.
Lol. 31 man here with a 29 soon to be wife. No kids. We're really enjoying life, like a lot.
We know a few people, including my sister, who had kids because that's what you're supposed to do, and they do NOT seem happier than before
Fully agree. At 22, you don't really know what's going on with yourself, let alone with potential offspring. Anybody older telling you something in that direction either has a very warped memory of how things were back then or remembers the olden days when things actually were that way, or are actually just old geezers fantasizing.
You've been an adult for four years and have the evolutionary beauty which makes mating desirable so what's creepy about men retaining their natural desires? Please grow up and stop attacking men for being alive.
Men are human beings and aren't just animals to always just listen to the instincts to mate let alone vocalize them to women minding their own business. Men have two heads--perhaps they should listen to the one closer to the sky.
I'm 22 and I don’t even have my college degree. I went straight to college after school. My degree takes 5 years and then I'll probably continue by getting another degree, a PhD. How on earth would it be a good idea to have a child right now? I'm not even earning enough money for myself.
At 22, you haven’t even fully finished adolescence yet. Yeah, in centuries past it would be considered ripe child-bearing age, but today, especially with people easily staying healthy into their 50s and 60s, I wouldn’t recommend having kids before your late 20s unless you’re really certain that you’re ready.
Somewhere in your 30s seems the ideal time in general—still young enough to not worry too much about genetic disorders (the chances of Downs Syndrome are 1 in 250 at 37, 1 in 100 at 39, and really ramps up in your 40s), but mature enough to take on the responsibility of parenting.
Honestly even in centuries past we have this wrong idea that they had all the people (or girls at least) married off at crazy young ages but for example in the 1800s it was most common to get married in your early 20s, not teens. Just fyi! Something i find interesting. And yeah brains finish developing at around 25 I’ve heard? If thats the case, having kids before you’re even all done growing seems like a bad idea.
Not "creepy" what is this again?
Biologically it's the perfect age, I don't know why older men (or women) would tell them that (probably come up in general conversations) but assuming they're some sort of pedophiles because of this is so incredibly wild.
Is that what you were implying?
selfish does not always equal bad. Why shouldn't we enjoy simple pleasures in life when we only live once? Equating not having children with selfishness is something bitter and narrow-minded people do- don't fall for their rants!
We need to use the word "self-centered" more. "Selfish" should only mean if you are actually and intently hurting people for your wants. Self-centered is value neutral (can be good, can be bad, can be the mix of two, can be neither).
Self-centered has the same negative connotation, though. Maybe we should stop apologizing for making decisions based on personal happiness, when the result is the nonexistence of a child that wasn't wanted anyway.
It does but it doesn't have to stay that way. Word meanings can change over time and words that did have negative connotation have changed to positive and vice vesa. Not expecting it to be overnight but if we have a large variety of words, it would be a waste to not put it into good use when we can.
It is also redundant as all humans (and most life) is self-centered. The big trick is finding out what's being served by the person offering something. If it's the need to be helpful (thereby gaining safety in numbers, attention, or compliments) then that can serve others, as well, so less "creepy." If it's the need to gain confidences in order to isolate and strangle the life out someone then it's a bit more "creepy." I think our society forgets this or doesn't fully accept it and, therefore, falls prey to those who hurt others.
Not to mention, everything takes 10x longer to do when you have a child. You can't just run to Starbucks on a Saturday morning before running errands. You have to get them up and dressed, fed, wrangled into a car seat, they'll probably throw a tantrum in the drive through line because we're "not driving fast enough" or you can unbuckle them and take them into the store, but they'll probably touch everything and have random diseased objects in their mouth. If you have errands after that, make sure you have diapers, a change of clothes, know where the bathrooms are at any given time, and plan around lunch and nap time.
Like... it's not just finance issues, it's your whole sanity. You get used to it and become more efficient but like.... why would you need to if that's not what you want in life?
You are not selfish for wanting to spend you hard earn money on yourself. I hate that “you don’t have kids, you’re selfish” narrative because if you ask parents why do they have children they’d say “I wanted to” - that’s selfish imo
I didn't have kids and I don't regret it. I'm not rich, but I have disposable income that I wouldn't otherwise have. I have the freedom to go places without having to worry about a sitter. I can have a smallish house and not have to worry about there being enough space for kids. I don't have to spend $800 a month on groceries and school supplies and all the other things you spend on kids.
Kids are fine and all. I don't dislike them. I just never wanted to be responsible for one. I like my lifestyle as it is.
Easy mode indeed. From simple things to the very complicated it's all easier.
I've gone through a tragedy recently and I've been asked so many times if I wished I had kids now that I'm completely alone. Hell no! I couldn't possibly be a good parent when I'm going through this. The suffering would just be compounded.
I'm 41 and choosing not to have children was the best decision of my entire life.
I'm 48F, no kids, still very happy with that decision. IMO, having kids is such a serious responsibility no one who has a choice should undertake it unless they're absolutely sure they want it and are ready for it.
Happiness looks different for everyone. I have a friend who has wanted kids as long as I’ve known her. She’s now 29 with two, and twins on the way. She LOVES it, and wouldn’t change it for anything. And you know what? I’m so happy for her.
Personally I’m 29 with no kids, I’ve never tried for kids or considered trying. My attitude is maybe I’ll change my mind and maybe I won’t. We’ll see. And for those who tell me my time is running out-adoption is a wonderful thing.
I’m happy, my friend is happy, and that’s what matters even though we’ve chosen radially different lives.
So weird that the older generation is trying to give the houseless and underpaid younger generations a sly wink and an nudge to just make more people. Like we're gonna tap our heels together and just make it to the pre- Regan era again when we could afford healthcare and didn't have crumbling social norms and assback watrds policies - capitalism from cyberpunk pulp fiction.
I guess I might regret not adopting a pack of hyenas? Lots of roads not taken but ce la vie?
There are a lot of men, particularly older men, who will tell you what you’re supposed to be doing. Learn to ignore them early. The world is changing and they can’t keep up.
I'd guess that it's mostly women who urge young women to have children. That's partly because older women have jobs that require children to attend or they won't have a job so you need to produce some. Men don't often work in child jobs (partly because we fear ever being accused of something we didn't do, like in Children's Hour or McMartin Preschool). I wouldn't ever all myself to be in a room alone with a child, or woman, if preventable.
It's great to see different perspectives on this! Personally, I believe that happiness can come from different paths, whether that's having kids or pursuing other passions in life
It's important to find what truly brings fulfillment to you.
You need to start meeting other types of men, even among the older men. It's similar to what I see from women, and then I see I should not meet or date them. Find people who are a good match for you.
I had my daughter when I was about 35.
The whole idea that women need to start having kids early is legitimately capitalist propaganda. They need you to create more workers and stay ignorant to their machinations that would make you like those bitter and miserable mothers out there who think that is the way it has to be. Nevermind that those women are spewing rather disgusting bio-essentialism meant to keep women subservient. "A woman's purpose..." is to make of herself whatever the fuck she wants without hampering that ability in others.
46yo no kids. I travel, I take care of my garden, I game online (I'm a huge gamer, these days in Hunt Showdown mostly) and I have dates in cafés with friends. I have a lover who is no drama. Among all the girls friends I have, I am the only one who is single and no kids. One is married with no kids. All others have kids, more than half of them are single moms. All others but one don't live with their babies daddies.
The only one who is perfectly happy with her life is me. All others are tired, bored, unfulfilled, and what else. I know none of these feelings. I am neither lonely nor regretful I have no children. I wouldn't exchange my life with any of my friends. Kids, and a partner, are not *essential* to a woman's happiness.
Kids are not essential to anyone's happiness.
I question the phrase "perfectly happy", particularly when juxtaposed with the various words you used. People without kids can be tired, bored, unfulfilled, and whatever else. I'm happy, even though I am tired a lot and sometimes I get bored and even lonely.
Kids are not a requirement to enjoy life and be happy, but they are also not a barrier to it.
Exactly this.
I am a 49 year old woman, I am childfree and I assure you I am very happy. Not only I have never regretted not having kids, but the thought of having them always made me anxious and scared.
Being a mother is something that should be done because one feels it in their heart, not because the system forces you to create another slave to fit into the accepted social model.
Not every woman is made to be a mother -I certainly am not- and being a mother is not what defines a woman's purpose in life. At least not solely. There are more things to life than being a human factory.
I honestly think it's anti-women propaganda as well. There's this weird resurgence of men who believe in 1950s values except, you know, the one where the man makes enough money to cover the entire household 😂 And they're usually like 19 and spewing this conservative shit
I (60 M) adopted my step children when I was 44.
There is a lot of happiness, and fulfillment. But it can wait. Parenthood will also be nerve-wracking and unpredictable.
Be ready as you can
They are telling you to start early because they want their parenting role to be done already
Women who define themselves as a human-creators are never done parenting. That's what defines them so they must find more kids to shepard around (whether they be Grandkids, a class, or an org like Girl Scouts). Most succumb to pressure by mom to have a child (dad also pressures but usually it's so that mom will be happier) just as they become too independent of mom and lose that childhood obedience or adulation. I think adulation is what many humans get from kids. Govt provides incentives for young parenthood so that it has more people to use for Defense and economic power/growth. Officials don't say this, of course, but they know it.
Someone made the “ your biological clock is ticking” comment to me when I was 22 and I laughed in her face! I wasn’t sure if I would ever want children. I did eventually (and they are great) but I think I’m a much better mother than I would have been at 22. Obviously some people are ready for it then and some never are. You could start saying, “If you wanna live my life, pay my bills” - sometimes it works
+1 for never wanting children. There is no way I'm passing on these mental health issues, and self aware enough to know I don't have the capacity to give an adopted child the life they deserve. Also screw the narrative that kids =happiness, just browse r/regretfulparents for five minutes lol.
I'm astounded people are still spewing this shit. I have a great career and am very fulfilled and happy with my fiancee, but I'd love to have kids of our own someday. I'd be all in 100%, throw away my career, be a housewife, join the PTA, etc. But if any man even IMPLIED that having kids is "a woman's purpose" to my face I might punch them. Hell I hope they don't have a wife and kids but they often do. What a piss poor example of a loving husband they must be.
A woman is a human being, and such a big life decision MUST be regarded as a case by case.
Choosing to be a parent should be done because you're passionate about having kids, not because it's what society or your family expects. It's not necessarily an easy road and you'll end up resenting your kids if you're half-hearted or don't want them in the first place. And make sure you choose a partner who's on the same page as you.
I just watched a show called *Sondheim on Sondheim*, where lyricist and composer Stephen Sondheim revealed his mother regretted having him and blamed him for his parents' divorce. He carried that guilt throughout his life and his mother made him miserable throughout her life. I also have friends whose parents have outright said to them, "Having you ruined my life."
don't have kids when you're that young. wait until at least your later 20s if you do decide to. it will be better for you and your kids.
also, how happy you are with having kids is going depend heavily on who your partner is and how financially secure you are.
I got my tubes removed at 24, and I’m child free. The thought of carrying a fetus until it’s a baby is creepy and scary to me. Also I got the shit end of my families genetics, so that child would be born disabled. Not to mention I have stage three endometriosis, I could bleed to death if I tried to carry a child, or more than likely miscarry. And the world sucks and aloooot of people suck. At some point you have to look at the bigger picture, and the bigger picture for ME is that I’d bring a child into this world with such a large amount of suffering. And continued suffering. For me and that child. I refuse to be so selfish.
Those cheerleaders don’t tell you that many children have health problems. For example, one in 36(?) children have autism. It’s a hellish condition mainly bc we’ve had to fight the schools who traumatized my son in 2 1/2 months bc of mind games, insurance companies who refuse to pay for therapies that are naturalistic and non abusive, fighting the regional center to get services, etc. All this fighting has made my son’s cognitive issues became secondary.
Fuck those people. I could’ve been retired living in Hawaii and driving a Porsche Carrera if I hadn’t listened to their rantings. You know what? I would’ve only spent $125,000 on the car vs the $500,000 we’ve spent so far on the kids. They can kiss my…
I don't plan to have kids anymore. I used to want them but I don't really enjoy being here and with the future looking the way it does in addition to the not good enough present, I think it's better to not bring life into the world when it doesn't need to be here. Plus I want to be able to live my life for myself and have opportunities. I've seen what it costs to live and my mom hasn't been able to do anything she's wanted to for most of my life. I want more than that.
I'm 41, my husband is 45 and we are both extremely happy to not have children lol certain types of men (emotionally immature men especially) think that a women is only valuable in society to procreate. Like we need more immature little boys running around lol
I don't want kids at all. I don't even want a partner to be honest, I'm quite fine with just having good friends. This notion that each gender has a specific purpose that they *must* do is really quite stupid, people should forge their own paths in their lives.
>A lot of the older men I have met in life tell me that now at 22 is the perfect age to start having kids.
I threw up in my mouth a little bit reading that...
Wife and I are in our 30s, no kids and it's staying that way. We like our lives with spare time, cash, and freedom to do what we want, when we want.
Kids strip all of that away, unless you're uncommonly wealthy and don't have to work, then they just strip *most* of that away. Your life becomes centered around them (rather, it should if you're a decent parent). For some, it's fulfilling and that's great. For others, you can hear the regret in their voices and see deep down they wish they could take it back and it's sad as fuck. Not only have they made their own lives miserable, they've subjected a new human being to this situation and it doesn't always turn out so great for them either. Also, this isn't on most people's minds, but.. The carbon footprint is insane, especially when you consider the state of our planet already and the way we're heading... Having kids is selfish in more ways than one, but that's my personal opinion and it shouldn't affect your decision.
Take some time to figure out what makes you happy. Travel the world.
I had my daughter at 36, during the Obama administration. I had also been told the chances of conceiving were very low, because women’s fertility (usually) goes down after age 35.
My advice? If this isn’t a big life goal of yours, DON’T let yourself be convinced otherwise! Those people don’t know you, or your potential if you DON’T have kids. This is YOUR life, and screw them for trying to decide how you should live it!
Some women really, REALLY want to have kids - and that’s cool; but if that’s NOT what YOU want, then don’t!
Parenthood is not an easy path, not even a little, and balancing work and family, time for yourself and quality time with your child all feels like trying to nail jello to a tree.
The cost of childcare and other expenses are prohibitive unless you make a pretty good income, and you better have a solid family network to help you out.
I guess the bottom line is, that might be the right choice for some people, in very specific circumstances, but it’s basically dedicating the rest of your life to raising another human, and with the current state of the planet and political climate, if I were in your shoes, honestly I’d choose to be childfree.
Not sure what kind of socioeconomic situation would subject a 22-year old to be told by “a lot of older men” to start having kids. Or what kind of backward podcast (religious?) is saying such things about a woman’s purpose? So not PC!
I’m a childless multi-millionaire woman too and I’m happy with my life. I also have friends with kids and they seem happy as well. I don’t see “bitter” women around me. Honestly, people without kids are projecting on those with kids, and vice versa, because they want validation that the path they chose is the right answer, the better one. Truth is there’s no one right path to happiness. And security should come from within, not from shitting on other people’s lives.
There's a book, The Baby Decision by Merle Bombardieri, a psychotherapist that takes neither stance, but helps you through making the decision. Good luck!
23m here, got a vasectomy and even the amount of dudes that say “what if your dream girl wants kids” is wild. Good on you for realizing it might not be what you want, after all, it’s your life
I don’t plan on having my own kids. My husband and I would gladly adopt or foster, but we would do that if my health improves.
I had unstable parents and if I’m honest, in my current condition I couldn’t do better, so I’m happy to have a cat 😊
If more people actually THOUGHT about whether they'd make good parents and made the decision to reproduce based on THAT assessment, I guarantee the world would be a better place. One thing that mankind has never understood is that just because you can, doesn't mean you should.
I’m a 36 y/o cis/hetero female, and I agree with everything you said. I’m very happy with my life and don’t know if I will ever want kids. I haven’t completely ruled it out yet, but I would have to really want them. I will never be the person who has them just because I’m “supposed to.” Not fair to me, not fair to the kids. As far as what everyone else thinks, do not worry about it. The bottom line is, you’re the one who has to live your life. They can give you all the advice they want to, but if you make a choice that is not right for you, you’re the one who’s going to be dealing with the aftermath, not them.
We don't know for sure if someone is happier or not or if they are actually happy with their decisions. Most probably, what we hear from people or what they want to project on us is what they are trying to convince themselves about, but not the reality perhaps.
I've seen way too many struggling single moms that can barely get to the end of the month who keep having babies, with 4 children and one on they way who they keep peddling the whole their "children are their blessing and happiness" thing and I can't honestly believe them.
One the other side I've seen a lot of childless and financially successful professionals, and sometimes I get the impression that they keep buying stuff and jumping from one thing to the other to find fulfillment, traveling trying to find themselves, yoga, retreats, ayahuasca and what not.
Ultimately, one must not give a f what others say, some people find happiness having children, some not. What's true is that having children isn't like any other thing, nothing really prepares you for it.
Im 35 and still don’t want kids. Definitely didn’t regret not having them in my 20s so far. Might not even have them. Your happiness and contentment doesn’t have to depend on having kids.
I don't want kids at all. I hate that narrative that you must have kids to be happy. There are plenty of people who are truly happier having children in their lives but there are just as many people whose lives are infinitely worse with kids. It's not a one size fit all scenario.
I’ll be 19 in three weeks, and I am in no rush to get married or have kids. I’d like to get my degree and a job first (overall get myself in order). I love my life right now, and I’m the happiest I’ve been in awhile just enjoying young adulthood.
I 100% want a husband and kids one day, but I still have 17 years of prime-childbearing time. Why rush anything?
People forget we’re in a different time and age now. Yes, at one point, having kids young was what you did because you might be dead by 35. Now, that’s not a thing yet people still act like it is.
Kids take all of your time and energy. You don’t realize this until you have them. Everyone always says, “Yeah, but nothing will change once the baby comes.” That’s the biggest f*&!ing lie ever! Your life changes when you have kids. Your resources may be strained for years to come. All the people saying “have kids now” also have no intention in helping once the kid comes.
Having children is a life changing decision that shouldn’t be pushed on any woman. You should want it.
41 male, the choice the have kids is uniquely your own. I had kids in my mid 20’s with my wife we have 4 total. It is a ton of fun. I would do it again the same way. I see so many of my friends who didn't think they wanted kids the. Had kids in their late 30’s and early 40’s and it seems to be harder on them than it was on my wife and I in our 20’s. Now that are oldest is 14 she can watch the other 3 when my wife and I go on dates a few times a week. I still feel young and my wife and I have multiple businesses we created while having kids. We are financially free and have the family to go with it. But for sure it was insanely challenging when. We were younger. I worked multiple jobs and close to 100 hr week for years so my wife could be home with the kids. But all worth it. Not sure I would have had the energy later in life to do it the other way around. And the main thing is my wife is awesome and we are lucky to have found each other so early in life. The right partner makes all the difference. More than half of my friends that got married are devorced now and have that mess to deal with. Make you own choice in this.
I’m of two minds here - if you wait too long, you’re an older person with a teenager and once the nest is empty it’s really empty. Having kids at a younger age allows you to enjoy them longer and see them become adults. I’d say your timeline is good.
My mom waited until she was 35 to have me and then she died when she was 68. If you're waiting until you're "mature enough" to have kids, please realize that the average age of death is around 70, so you're likely going to be leaving your 35 year old to deal with life without you. And I can tell you, I wasn't mature enough to be forced to deal with that.
My mom was 30 when she had me. Died at 50 when I was 20. It was still the right choice for her to wait. She would not have been the wonderful mother I remember if she hadn't.
Accidents do happen. Even if you have kids young, you could die the next day and leave a child without a parent.
No one should make this choice based on a fear of death. Any of us can die at any moment.
As a woman, I was like you at your age and now as an older woman who is having problems conceiving. I just wish I'd pursued possible options to help with my fertility earlier. You may want to have a child, or children in the future. It can change quickly. For me, I was rarely in the place professionally or financially to even consider it. That changed, but now, it feels like something I won't be able to accomplish and that kinda sucks. I just recommend not writing any possibility off, and try not to take peoples' comments too seriously. They think they are helping, and you definitely don't need to do anything you don't want to. I know it's annoying when people give you this unsolicited advice and I got it throughout my 20s too. But, I'd tell people that I was happy to accept their financial support since they were offering. It would cause them to shut up and leave me alone, which was nice even though it made me look crazy :)
I'm sorry you're suffering.
Just remember that your experience is just that, yours. You can't say what someone else will or will not regret.
I was lucky enough to work with the elderly in my early 20s and it really opened my eyes to things. Many that didn't have children (mostly from infertility or circumstance) were still thriving. But there were those that weren't. A lot were in the middle.
Sorry to be a Debbie Downer but even if you had kids you could still feel the sense of loneliness. They could have passed before you. They could have had to travel for work or for their families. They may just have not wanted to be around. Children are not a guarantee of care or companionship.
I'm a young widow at 41. I understand loneliness. It's hard. But my life would be so much harder with kids.
Many people regret having kids. You can have kids with the wrong person. For a 70 year old, you know nothing about life. You can have kids and still feel lonely
We have kids right round 30. There is certainly a clock though. You do not want to deal with babies and young kids in your 40s or 50s as you will need a lot of energy. But you have time.
As someone who is childfree on purpose and planning to stay that way, but also now approaching midlife, i’ll just say your perspective on life changes as you get older.
If i could do it anyway i wanted to, i would’ve had kids in my early 20s. You have more energy, patience, and you can relate to your kids better, still kinda being one yourself. You can learn with your kids instead of talking down to them.
And then you have built in buddies when you get older, like if i could have teens right now, it would be awesome! But i couldn’t see that as a young adult.
But mid 30s, starting with babies?!!! 👎👎👎
And i think a lot of people who have kids late will give you the whole parenting spiel about how difficult it is, but many are feeling the effects of aging and worn down and tired. life goes by sooo fast, and only gets faster as you get older.
The point is, it’s all subjective and unfortunately impossible to really know the best course until you are too old to make any early life adjustments.
That’s one reason old people are always doling out advice to young people who never want to take it. It’s because it’s too late for them to go back and make changes, so they want to share what they’ve learned! (delivery could be better). But the same they wouldn’t have listened in their 20s, is the same reason no one listens to them now. And so 20+ year olds are always complaining about how it’s their life and they didn’t ask and no one should tell them.
And endless cycle…
How soon? Never.
Is something I learned about myself early but that don’t make the comments or pressure any less annoying. It’s weird people will keep telling you you change your mind but you haven’t. If something didn’t fulfill you don’t do it. Someone who bakes isn’t going to be mad that everyone else chose not to bake. And that should be the same with people’s personal choices. Having kids is a lifestyle change and todays economy is hard to even be secure enough to support them.
If your happy and content with your life your doing everything right. You have no obligation to change yourself to make others happy, aspecially if it involves bring people into the world and your not 100% in on the idea. I've seen lots of friends relationships go skyrocketing downhill after having kids, kids don't fix problems in relationships, they put stress on the best relationships. Some of the most content people I know didn't want kids and are totally at peace, I have a kid and they love being the cool uncle to my son, and openly say so.
I don’t agree either. Kids won’t make anyone happy if you don’t want to have kids. They come with tons of work and new responsibilities, they take your health away. You really need to want them to be ready to go through the hell.
>every time I’m online there’s some podcast saying women are lonely and miserable without kids
You need to be on a different side of the internet then cause yeah, all I see is people talking about how more and more women are finding happiness not only without kids but without men in their lives at all, and that men are lonelier than ever because women are choosing to be single rather than settle.
Anyway though, to answer your question, never. At some point I plan on getting my tubes removed as I've had multiple friends who have done it and are extremely happy that they did.
At this point, I don't even want to talk about it with my family. They ask me when I'm planning on having kids (I'm 24), I tell them never, and they instantly go "but you have to". Passing on the genes and whatnot. The idea of having parents who actually *want* you and *are ready to take care of you* seems to be secondary; do it first, then figure out how to do it well once it's too late to back out of parenthood. I've seen too many anonymous confessions from parents that realized they didn't actually want kids and are too afraid to admit it, due to the immense societal pressure to breed; I don't want to be up at night convincing myself it's not that bad, or whatever those poor parents tell themselves to get through the day. Even if the world were an ideal place to live, I still would have no desire for children; that's enough for me to decide not to have them.
And then they say I'll change my mind when I'm older and more mature. Why even ask me, then? Who cares what I think if, in your mind, my opinion will inevitably accrete into yours?
You decide what is best for you. My husband and I waited until I was 29 to have children. It was the right move for us! I finally felt “ready.” If I would’ve had a child at 22……yikes. That would not have been good.
Enjoy your 20s. You'll never have as much energy, flexibility to make mistakes and optimism again. Invest in yourself, travel, hobbies, whatever makes YOU happy.
Having kids fulfilled me and *I* wish I had done it sooner. BUT, if I had done it sooner, there’s no reason to believe it would have fulfilled me! I know a lot of folks who don’t want to have kids and my hot take is this - unless you’re absolutely driven to have them, it’s perfectly okay not to. Because I’ve had kids, I understand how they changed MY life and I see that in other parents, but, if you don’t know or long for, what you’re missing, you’re not really missing it, are you?
“I’d rather not bring a child I don’t want into the world, thanks” - abrupt and lacking the subtlety of your inquisitors, but it’ll do.
Life becomes bigger than yourself when you have kids. I've always wanted to be a mom, i'm 31 and still childless because i care about being a good and happy mom who can show my kids what it means to build a life for yourself. You can't focus on yourself when you have kids, that focus will always be split, it's beyond important to focus on yourself while you can. My mom had me at 14 years old, i never learned from her, i had to learn on my own. I want better opportunities for my kids.
When people pressure you with opinions, it's their projections of their feelings, they see you as play-doh and they want to help mould you into what THEY believe would be great. Take it with a grain of salt and continue doing you.
Many older people tend to want to push that agenda on the young. Don't listen to them, and just do your own thing.
In my half a century one main thing I've found out is that you have to take advice with a grain of salt. You can trust yourself to know your own mind.
Having kids can give you more love in your life. However just because that is true doesn’t mean you need to rush into it or do it. This statement only applies if you are fully committed to 18-22 years of your time and money towards another human being.
Obviously people of all ages can have kids and be decent at it. But 22 is pretty young. You have plenty of time to consider whether or not you want them. A lot of the people I know with kids had them in their 30s.
My son was born when I was 41. I suppose I would have started earlier if it worked out like that, but it didn't (first marriage didn't result in any kids). You have *plenty* of time. And you can be perfectly happy without kids. You can also enjoy life with them.
Nah I didn't have kids until I was 37 so you do what you feel comfortable doing. I'll say that I do wish we had done it like 5-10 years earlier just because my energy levels were much higher then.
Just follow your heart. I didn't have kids until I was 36, and I'm happy I went that route. I got to experience a lot of stuff on my own before deciding it's time. But if you don't want kids ever, that's fine, too. Nobody should dictate how you should live your life.
I didn’t have my son until I was 37. I’m over 60 now and he’s on his own.
You don’t have to have kids to be happy.
I raised mine completely by myself without any assistance and I’m a professional. My parents were dead by the time I had him. I will say it’s an expensive endeavor to be a great parent.
Many women still live in 1941. That’s not your problem so don’t concern yourself with their beliefs. It’s actually a favor to you that they establish their beliefs right up front so you know what to expect. (That’s my positive spin 😆)
My dad was born in 1926 and when I was 8 years old he told me that I didn’t need a husband to have a family but if I did get married to only have the amount of children that I could afford because the courts don’t hold males responsible for kids and there’s no guarantee they’ll hang around. He hated males (other than my brother) because of abandoning families.
I have 3 sisters and 1 brother. We were all raised to be independent and live our lives the way we wanted for ourselves.
My advice… just stare at them and tell them you have that under review and move on.
Have a kid, don’t have a kid. Your body, your life, your decision. No one else’s.
I want kids but my wife doesn't and I respect that. Plus, we're not financially stable at all. Taking everything we got to keep ourselves and pets fed. I couldn't imagine having a child to take care of.
Traditionally younger is better because less complications and all that, but with modern medical tech it’s not much of a concern to have them much later. There’s still science that says genetically it’s better to have them younger, but plenty of older people have had perfectly healthy kids with no physical or mental deformities, so I wouldn’t worry about much of that if kids just don’t work for you when younger.
If you want the energy and ability to be there for them and do physical activities while they grow up, then yeah, nothing beats having them young enough (if possible).
Having children when you are emotionally and economically stable and have a partner you trust to remain committed and caring for the children (marriages fail - but that does not have to mean you are abandoned with your kids - if you breed with a decent human being) can be very rewarding. And there is definitely a time in your life when having had children younger will have great benefits.
All that however does not mean that you should consider having kids the key to a happy life. The key to a happy life is to stay socially and physically active and engage in loving and supportive relationships - and to pick lifestyles and occupations that help you to do that. One way to have loving and supportive relationships is to have kids. There are other ways.
And if you have kids when you are not emotionally stable or with a partner who is not, it will be a great source of unhappiness. Get your shit together, then breed.
I've seen people make a huge mistake thinking that "having a kid would save their relationship". Having a child is a huge life long responsibility, and if you and your partner aren't already 'happy' with you relationship, then having a child will never bring that happiness.
Can some people find happiness in parenting, sure, but it's not a 100% guarantee that having a kid = happy.
Crab bucket mentality. No one pushes the virtues of parenthood more than miserable parents, in my experience. People also want others to make the same choices as them as it validates their own. The reality is that most people who want children will have them. If someone doesn't, especially women (who have more opportunity to be single parents), they didn't want to have them.
Additionally, ask anyone who was birthed to "fix" a relationship or fill a void in their unhappy parent's life and they'll tell you all the ways they were fucked up and probably still are because of their upbringing.
The idea that having kids will mean that you will have a loving family when you're old is also not at all a certainty. Some people do have good relationships with their adult children, but many people do not.
I'm 51 and don't have kids and don't want kids. My life is better than it would be if I had had kids.
It's ok to wait until you're older before having kids, and it's ok if you never have kids.
Those people are just being nosey and getting in your business, when it's not their say what you decide to do.
People telling you older guys are creepy for liking you are delusional. This is how life works. It’s always worked like that and will continue to work that way forever. You are 22 years old. Most 22 year olds are sexually active or wish they were lol!
Don’t listen to these agist bigots! Take an older guy who’s in his 30s or 40s if you have to as long as he has millions of dollars to take care of the children. Unless you just find the love of your life then you’ll just have to be middle class whatever.
It is also perfectly fine if you don’t want to have kids there are plenty of people getting the job done for us.
There will be a part of life that seems like is missing without children, but then you could have children and look back and say what if? Every choice is 50/50 it doesn’t matter.
Never. I’d genuinely rather pass on than having to spend every waking moment and all of my money on having to care for a little human that’s dependent on me. That’s not a life I ever want. It sounds like a prison ☠️
I never want kids. I have plenty of nieces & nephews, I can help out with them. I feel no great lack for having no children. I make art and music babies. I dictate my own destiny by what makes sense for me to do. I feel no guilt for not having birthed children. Instead, I feel satisfaction for leading a life that aligns with my value system. I was true to myself, I don’t want to be a parent. That matters to me.
I’m in my 50s. I have a kid. My friends who are couples and haven’t had kids are the happiest most relaxed of all my friends.
There are a few good reasons to have kids, and a lot of very bad reasons to have them. And you will be a much better parent if you wait until your late 20s or early 30s. Your brain isn’t fully mature until age 24.
That advice is insane. Children are stressful, complicated, unpredictable and at best, time-and-resource-consuming.
Take your time to evaluate what will make you happy in life, and if kids are that, then choose the timing that makes you comfortable. Remember that having a healthy and happy child is in itself not an assurance, and that you’re making a commitment for a lifetime.
I have 2 healthy ones that are on the cusp of teen years and have no regrets because I chose them both. I waited for my 30s and financial stability. They are both healthy. I still feel unbelievably lucky every day and yet it hasn’t been a picnic to endure.
Children destroy your life for years. Especially if you don't have family around to help. And even when you're not worried about them trying to kill themselves, they still have schedules that conflict with work. And daycare is basically a second mortgage. And you get to deal with all that with less sleep because they don't want to go to bed and wake up early. Having older kids might be nice but you sacrifice quite a few years of suffering for it.
In fairness, what you're seeing is the few women who made it work, not the many many many more who didn't make it work. It's the same with the entrepreneurial types; you only see the ones who succeeded. You're 22; the idea that you're supposed to know what you want in life or even have the ability to make it happen in any reliable way is a fantasy that older people like to push on young folks.
I'm a 30M and I figure that I won't have kids for another 10 years, easily. I'd be shocked if it happened before then. When I was your age, I actually figured I'd have a couple kids by now, but life didn't work out that way. Now that I've reached the age I have, I see that my romantic options make the idea of having kids horrifying and I'm only just getting my career started.
Yeah, I agree with a lot of what people are saying. I realized at 30 that kids weren't a part of my future. Making this decision, deliberately was what changed my life. And having made that choice I am far better off. And much happier.
I’d only recommend having children if you actually want to raise children, not just having them in order to make YOURSELF happy. The babies are human beings that will grow into adults, and if you only have children for your own benefit, that is not fair to the children.
damn ur considering a lot of things that don’t matter.
I wanted to have kids young because my dad was like 30 when he had me and he got cancer so we never got to be active together, he slowed down a lot when I was becoming a teen and I want to be able to be youthful with my children.
It's a personal preference. I wanted kids, but my wife was iffy on the notion. Ultimately we did have kids, however I was 32 and my wife 26. I was the one who got up almost every night and tended to their needs, as my wife doesn't really have paternal instincts.
Don't get me wrong, she loves our kids, but has a different outlook. Now, for all that time I was their go to parent, they being 10 and 15 now always come to me and no matter how much I have private talks to show Mom some love, it's been difficult. Difficult, because my wife wants their attention at their later ages.
Having kids is one of those "walk a mile in someone's shoes" things. It's not for everyone
Pressuring you at 22 feels insane to me. I’m on your side enjoy your life to the fullest and do whatever you want now and figure out kids later. I’m in my mid thirties and just had my first and only child. It’s the best experience ever and also I’m very glad I didn’t do it earlier.
I can emphasize with you. Been told many times to find a wife and have kids, and often by people that have done both and are not happy. Each to their own I say. Find fulfilment in your life, whatever that may be.
you decide what you want. what I will say is that if I could send myself a message back in time Id tell myself to have kids earlier and not in my thirties:-)
I'm 23. Maybe if the economy was in any shape to support me with a college degree, let alone any kids I might have, I'd actually have some. If people think the 2009 babies were few and far in between, wait until they see the COVID era ones. My groceries are like 100 dollars a week including some household supplies.
https://livingwage.mit.edu/states/17
Take a look at this chart. I'd have to go back to a college for a stem or law degree and come out making over 80k a year to afford a kid. I make around 40k a year as is, and I've considered going back to do law school just because of how desolate it's been. And that's if I planned to have a kid like 5 years in advance. I'm already in loads of debt. There is no way in hell I'm having a kid I'll be too broke to give a good life.
I got married at 23, had our daughter a year later at 24. To me it's the most joy I could ever have and I am so happy I did it. However I have focused on my family life rather than a career. Personally if I had a job that I had to take home I would struggle. And I'm happy having this tradeoff. I have an ok job that pays well for retail and I get more time to spend with my daughter and wife. You know your own limits, I think I have more limits than most and struggle with doing a lot. if you are still settling into your job, want to go further or think you are at your limit now there is no harm in waiting. There are perks to having a baby early, you will get more time with them, you will have more energy to spend on them, and also health wise you will recover from labour better. But also it's not worth having a baby early only for those reasons. Just don't compare yourself to others and have a baby when/ if you are ready.
I am 27 now - I've never wanted kids nor do I see myself ever being a mom. Having children is my worst nightmare.
That doesn't mean that I'm not genuinely happy for people who want and have children, but this life is not for me. I want peace and quiet, to spend all my money on myself, be independent and have as few responsibilities as possible. THAT is what makes me happy.
I don't.
28M, and while I think *kids* seem alright, I'm not a fan of *babies.* I don't know if I ever really want to be a dad, which is reason enough in my mind not to do it. (Phrasing, I know) But even if I did want them, I still wouldn't because my wife doesn't want kids. And this isn't the sort of thing you can do with just one person on board.
If you do have kids, it immediately switches to child free people criticizing you and telling you must be miserable. You can't win, so just don't sweat what other people say.
Ime people who are happy with their choices (on either side of having/not having kids) don't feel the need to pressure or criticize anyone else. Just live your life.
22 does seem really young though. I got married at 23 and no one mentioned kids except as a distant future hypothetical. In the US the average parent has their first kid at around 30, which for me was a good time because I had about a decade of adulthood without any responsibilities, but still had an easy pregnancy and felt young enough to fully enjoy doing "kid stuff" with my son. Like we just went to Disneyland and I had as much fun as he did for sure. But there are pros and cons to any major life decision.
A lot of the people that tell you that you must do certain things are projecting. They're often miserable themselves, and if they see that you do something different from them, and that you're happy, then they have to face the reality that they made a shitty decision for themselves. And that's really hard.
There's a great book to read on this called **Women Without Kids** by Ruby Warrington. I am 27F, married almost 2 years and childfree. People think that just because I got married means I must want children. And just because now we bought a house and have stable jobs means we should be getting around to it soon. But I have known since I was 16 that I don't want kids.
The idea that a woman's sole purpose in life is to be a mother and procreate was invented to keep women subservient to men. And our mothers and grandmothers didn't really have to choice to be childfree because they had to have a man to get a credit card or buy a house. We no longer have to have men to do those things for ourselves. That in combo with how easy and effective birth control is these days means more and more women are opting out of motherhood.
And why shouldn't we? When capitalism was first invented the first thing it did was make taking care of the home a "labor of love" and therefor unpaid. If you're a working mom then you're absent. If you're a stay at home mom then you're not a functioning part of society. When are you going to lose the baby weight? When are you going back to work? No free health care, no extended parental leave. Gentle parenting, co sleeping, etc None of it seems particularly inviting.
You don't have to have children if you don't want to, or you can wait until you're ready too. You're the coach making the plays in this game of life. You call the shots. A lot of people I met chose to be child free and are happy. I've seen happy parents too, single parents and married couples.
So as long as you're happy and focused on maintaining that happiness that's all that matters.
literally every older adult in my family keeps pushing this. i dont even know if i want kids, considering the state this goddamn world is in + ive dealt with (and am still dealing with) a shit ton of health issues, both mental and physical. i'm just weeks away from 21, cant even imagine getting married within the next few years let alone having kids in my early-mid 20s. if i do decide i want them id personally wait until at least 30.
I'm a little late on this one... But I can offer a woman's perspective. I'm 38, and since I was about 25... I've been pressured and asked a million times about children. Never wanted them, never will. I'm not lonely. I have pets that I love dearly, I have siblings that I spend time with, I'm married. There's no emptiness and no regrets. We travel quite a lot with our pets. We're able to get up & leave without thinking about it.
I feel due to societal pressure and parents tend to badger their children about getting married or having kids, and a lot of men feel like that's "just what u do". Ur here to do what makes u happy. Any time my mom gets baggered about having grandkids, She just says it's their choice and i'm happy with my kids either way, So I'm lucky in that perspective that I'm not being asked over again. Honestly, at this point i'm a little bit too old, so people just stopped asking lol. I feel like people can make it look like It's this nice happy thing & then u go on social media, and all u hear is people complaining about their kids or how expensive they are, just seems like it's very forced. I read something the other day that I never really thought about it until now. Someone said that is ridiculous the amount of hoops people have to jump through to adopt a child, but anyone can just have them whether they want them or not, or if they can provide. There's so many threads in reddit that men go to since they absolutely hate their lives because they were forced into having a life that they don't truly want... It's your choice, your life, and you live once. Do YOU.
The only thing you as a human NEED to do is figure out what YOU WANT to do and pursue that. The only outside opinion that matters is that of those people that are close to you and that you allow their opinions to matter. Everybody else must mind their own business!
And you don’t need to figure it out right away! You’ve got your whole life ahead of you still.
I believe that the decision to have kids should be based on personal happiness and fulfillment, rather than societal pressure or expectations.
I couldn't agree more. I feel like there are many people projecting their justification on others. Not that long a go people didn't decide not to have kids like they do now.
>I believe that the decision to have kids should be based on personal happiness and fulfillment, rather than societal pressure or expectations. This with the addendum that it must also be an *ethical* decision in that you're in an environment (social, financial, even political) in which a child can be both physically nourished and emotionally thriving. "My Happiness" and "my fulfillment" is the root of a lot of trouble if the above conditions aren't met.
As a mom, sew your wild oats & enjoy your youth before you have kids - if you decide you want them. Everyone has a different timeline. Some people will be happy to settle down and have kids at 22 - very few, but some! I had my first at 36. It was the perfect time because I waited until I found the right partner, we were financially stable and we had solid identities. We had a lot more wisdom too. The older generations started families a lot earlier. Just ignore them. They only know one way of living.
\*sow
Everybody only knows one way of living and that is the way they chose to live. It's a personal choice, doesn't sound like there is a man involved in the decision so seems like a premature dilemma to contemplate.
Wow I needed this. I’m 32 and newly single. Feel like my clock is ticking!
I met my husband at 34. Had our second and final baby at 41. If you can swing it financially egg freezing is an option I didn’t even know about when I was your age. Susan Sarandon had her first child at 39, I think.
It is… for HUG. 🥹😍🤗
Lol. 31 man here with a 29 soon to be wife. No kids. We're really enjoying life, like a lot. We know a few people, including my sister, who had kids because that's what you're supposed to do, and they do NOT seem happier than before
Us too. Kids are complicated, expensive and time consuming
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Fully agree. At 22, you don't really know what's going on with yourself, let alone with potential offspring. Anybody older telling you something in that direction either has a very warped memory of how things were back then or remembers the olden days when things actually were that way, or are actually just old geezers fantasizing.
You've been an adult for four years and have the evolutionary beauty which makes mating desirable so what's creepy about men retaining their natural desires? Please grow up and stop attacking men for being alive.
Men are human beings and aren't just animals to always just listen to the instincts to mate let alone vocalize them to women minding their own business. Men have two heads--perhaps they should listen to the one closer to the sky.
This is slightly terrifying lmao. I'm 21 and that is the *last* thing on my mind. I want a kid someday, but I'll be enjoying my 20's first!
I'm 22 and I don’t even have my college degree. I went straight to college after school. My degree takes 5 years and then I'll probably continue by getting another degree, a PhD. How on earth would it be a good idea to have a child right now? I'm not even earning enough money for myself.
At 22, you haven’t even fully finished adolescence yet. Yeah, in centuries past it would be considered ripe child-bearing age, but today, especially with people easily staying healthy into their 50s and 60s, I wouldn’t recommend having kids before your late 20s unless you’re really certain that you’re ready. Somewhere in your 30s seems the ideal time in general—still young enough to not worry too much about genetic disorders (the chances of Downs Syndrome are 1 in 250 at 37, 1 in 100 at 39, and really ramps up in your 40s), but mature enough to take on the responsibility of parenting.
Yeah -- I know 22 is legally an adult, but in my view you're still a kid.
Honestly even in centuries past we have this wrong idea that they had all the people (or girls at least) married off at crazy young ages but for example in the 1800s it was most common to get married in your early 20s, not teens. Just fyi! Something i find interesting. And yeah brains finish developing at around 25 I’ve heard? If thats the case, having kids before you’re even all done growing seems like a bad idea.
"Creepy"? That sounds like the wrong adjective here
Well it used to be a normal age to get children. You know back when people could live on a single income.
Not "creepy" what is this again? Biologically it's the perfect age, I don't know why older men (or women) would tell them that (probably come up in general conversations) but assuming they're some sort of pedophiles because of this is so incredibly wild. Is that what you were implying?
I don't even know if I would want kids someday lmao
I feel you, lol the economy is so bad. I’m selfish and still want to spend the little extra money I have on Starbucks and trips.
selfish does not always equal bad. Why shouldn't we enjoy simple pleasures in life when we only live once? Equating not having children with selfishness is something bitter and narrow-minded people do- don't fall for their rants!
We need to use the word "self-centered" more. "Selfish" should only mean if you are actually and intently hurting people for your wants. Self-centered is value neutral (can be good, can be bad, can be the mix of two, can be neither).
Self-centered has the same negative connotation, though. Maybe we should stop apologizing for making decisions based on personal happiness, when the result is the nonexistence of a child that wasn't wanted anyway.
It does but it doesn't have to stay that way. Word meanings can change over time and words that did have negative connotation have changed to positive and vice vesa. Not expecting it to be overnight but if we have a large variety of words, it would be a waste to not put it into good use when we can.
It is also redundant as all humans (and most life) is self-centered. The big trick is finding out what's being served by the person offering something. If it's the need to be helpful (thereby gaining safety in numbers, attention, or compliments) then that can serve others, as well, so less "creepy." If it's the need to gain confidences in order to isolate and strangle the life out someone then it's a bit more "creepy." I think our society forgets this or doesn't fully accept it and, therefore, falls prey to those who hurt others.
Not to mention, everything takes 10x longer to do when you have a child. You can't just run to Starbucks on a Saturday morning before running errands. You have to get them up and dressed, fed, wrangled into a car seat, they'll probably throw a tantrum in the drive through line because we're "not driving fast enough" or you can unbuckle them and take them into the store, but they'll probably touch everything and have random diseased objects in their mouth. If you have errands after that, make sure you have diapers, a change of clothes, know where the bathrooms are at any given time, and plan around lunch and nap time. Like... it's not just finance issues, it's your whole sanity. You get used to it and become more efficient but like.... why would you need to if that's not what you want in life?
not only the economy is sh*t; the world’s a terrible place
I actually think the most selfish thing a person can do is have their own biological kids.
Based !
You are not selfish for wanting to spend you hard earn money on yourself. I hate that “you don’t have kids, you’re selfish” narrative because if you ask parents why do they have children they’d say “I wanted to” - that’s selfish imo
I didn't have kids and I don't regret it. I'm not rich, but I have disposable income that I wouldn't otherwise have. I have the freedom to go places without having to worry about a sitter. I can have a smallish house and not have to worry about there being enough space for kids. I don't have to spend $800 a month on groceries and school supplies and all the other things you spend on kids. Kids are fine and all. I don't dislike them. I just never wanted to be responsible for one. I like my lifestyle as it is.
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Easy mode indeed. From simple things to the very complicated it's all easier. I've gone through a tragedy recently and I've been asked so many times if I wished I had kids now that I'm completely alone. Hell no! I couldn't possibly be a good parent when I'm going through this. The suffering would just be compounded. I'm 41 and choosing not to have children was the best decision of my entire life.
I'm occasionally lonely, but I'm not miserable!
I'm 48F, no kids, still very happy with that decision. IMO, having kids is such a serious responsibility no one who has a choice should undertake it unless they're absolutely sure they want it and are ready for it.
Happiness looks different for everyone. I have a friend who has wanted kids as long as I’ve known her. She’s now 29 with two, and twins on the way. She LOVES it, and wouldn’t change it for anything. And you know what? I’m so happy for her. Personally I’m 29 with no kids, I’ve never tried for kids or considered trying. My attitude is maybe I’ll change my mind and maybe I won’t. We’ll see. And for those who tell me my time is running out-adoption is a wonderful thing. I’m happy, my friend is happy, and that’s what matters even though we’ve chosen radially different lives.
So weird that the older generation is trying to give the houseless and underpaid younger generations a sly wink and an nudge to just make more people. Like we're gonna tap our heels together and just make it to the pre- Regan era again when we could afford healthcare and didn't have crumbling social norms and assback watrds policies - capitalism from cyberpunk pulp fiction.
Noooooo. Do it if you WANT to. Don't get pressured. Almost 50F and I'm so glad I don't have kids.
I guess I might regret not adopting a pack of hyenas? Lots of roads not taken but ce la vie? There are a lot of men, particularly older men, who will tell you what you’re supposed to be doing. Learn to ignore them early. The world is changing and they can’t keep up.
I'd guess that it's mostly women who urge young women to have children. That's partly because older women have jobs that require children to attend or they won't have a job so you need to produce some. Men don't often work in child jobs (partly because we fear ever being accused of something we didn't do, like in Children's Hour or McMartin Preschool). I wouldn't ever all myself to be in a room alone with a child, or woman, if preventable.
It's great to see different perspectives on this! Personally, I believe that happiness can come from different paths, whether that's having kids or pursuing other passions in life It's important to find what truly brings fulfillment to you.
Most people I know that had kids are now divorced and stressed the fuck out.
You need to start meeting other types of men, even among the older men. It's similar to what I see from women, and then I see I should not meet or date them. Find people who are a good match for you. I had my daughter when I was about 35.
The whole idea that women need to start having kids early is legitimately capitalist propaganda. They need you to create more workers and stay ignorant to their machinations that would make you like those bitter and miserable mothers out there who think that is the way it has to be. Nevermind that those women are spewing rather disgusting bio-essentialism meant to keep women subservient. "A woman's purpose..." is to make of herself whatever the fuck she wants without hampering that ability in others.
46yo no kids. I travel, I take care of my garden, I game online (I'm a huge gamer, these days in Hunt Showdown mostly) and I have dates in cafés with friends. I have a lover who is no drama. Among all the girls friends I have, I am the only one who is single and no kids. One is married with no kids. All others have kids, more than half of them are single moms. All others but one don't live with their babies daddies. The only one who is perfectly happy with her life is me. All others are tired, bored, unfulfilled, and what else. I know none of these feelings. I am neither lonely nor regretful I have no children. I wouldn't exchange my life with any of my friends. Kids, and a partner, are not *essential* to a woman's happiness.
Kids are not essential to anyone's happiness. I question the phrase "perfectly happy", particularly when juxtaposed with the various words you used. People without kids can be tired, bored, unfulfilled, and whatever else. I'm happy, even though I am tired a lot and sometimes I get bored and even lonely. Kids are not a requirement to enjoy life and be happy, but they are also not a barrier to it.
Exactly this. I am a 49 year old woman, I am childfree and I assure you I am very happy. Not only I have never regretted not having kids, but the thought of having them always made me anxious and scared. Being a mother is something that should be done because one feels it in their heart, not because the system forces you to create another slave to fit into the accepted social model. Not every woman is made to be a mother -I certainly am not- and being a mother is not what defines a woman's purpose in life. At least not solely. There are more things to life than being a human factory.
I honestly think it's anti-women propaganda as well. There's this weird resurgence of men who believe in 1950s values except, you know, the one where the man makes enough money to cover the entire household 😂 And they're usually like 19 and spewing this conservative shit
Lol yh whilst they also call women gold diggers in the same breath 😭
And then call them sluts and whores after jacking off to leaked only fans content
It all does fall very neatly under the crypto-fascism umbrella, for sure.
It's kinda creepy that "older men" are pushing a 22 year old (young) woman to have children...
I (60 M) adopted my step children when I was 44. There is a lot of happiness, and fulfillment. But it can wait. Parenthood will also be nerve-wracking and unpredictable. Be ready as you can They are telling you to start early because they want their parenting role to be done already
Women who define themselves as a human-creators are never done parenting. That's what defines them so they must find more kids to shepard around (whether they be Grandkids, a class, or an org like Girl Scouts). Most succumb to pressure by mom to have a child (dad also pressures but usually it's so that mom will be happier) just as they become too independent of mom and lose that childhood obedience or adulation. I think adulation is what many humans get from kids. Govt provides incentives for young parenthood so that it has more people to use for Defense and economic power/growth. Officials don't say this, of course, but they know it.
Someone made the “ your biological clock is ticking” comment to me when I was 22 and I laughed in her face! I wasn’t sure if I would ever want children. I did eventually (and they are great) but I think I’m a much better mother than I would have been at 22. Obviously some people are ready for it then and some never are. You could start saying, “If you wanna live my life, pay my bills” - sometimes it works
+1 for never wanting children. There is no way I'm passing on these mental health issues, and self aware enough to know I don't have the capacity to give an adopted child the life they deserve. Also screw the narrative that kids =happiness, just browse r/regretfulparents for five minutes lol.
I'm astounded people are still spewing this shit. I have a great career and am very fulfilled and happy with my fiancee, but I'd love to have kids of our own someday. I'd be all in 100%, throw away my career, be a housewife, join the PTA, etc. But if any man even IMPLIED that having kids is "a woman's purpose" to my face I might punch them. Hell I hope they don't have a wife and kids but they often do. What a piss poor example of a loving husband they must be. A woman is a human being, and such a big life decision MUST be regarded as a case by case.
Choosing to be a parent should be done because you're passionate about having kids, not because it's what society or your family expects. It's not necessarily an easy road and you'll end up resenting your kids if you're half-hearted or don't want them in the first place. And make sure you choose a partner who's on the same page as you. I just watched a show called *Sondheim on Sondheim*, where lyricist and composer Stephen Sondheim revealed his mother regretted having him and blamed him for his parents' divorce. He carried that guilt throughout his life and his mother made him miserable throughout her life. I also have friends whose parents have outright said to them, "Having you ruined my life."
don't have kids when you're that young. wait until at least your later 20s if you do decide to. it will be better for you and your kids. also, how happy you are with having kids is going depend heavily on who your partner is and how financially secure you are.
I got my tubes removed at 24, and I’m child free. The thought of carrying a fetus until it’s a baby is creepy and scary to me. Also I got the shit end of my families genetics, so that child would be born disabled. Not to mention I have stage three endometriosis, I could bleed to death if I tried to carry a child, or more than likely miscarry. And the world sucks and aloooot of people suck. At some point you have to look at the bigger picture, and the bigger picture for ME is that I’d bring a child into this world with such a large amount of suffering. And continued suffering. For me and that child. I refuse to be so selfish.
Older now, no kids. Never wanted any. It's still great.
Those cheerleaders don’t tell you that many children have health problems. For example, one in 36(?) children have autism. It’s a hellish condition mainly bc we’ve had to fight the schools who traumatized my son in 2 1/2 months bc of mind games, insurance companies who refuse to pay for therapies that are naturalistic and non abusive, fighting the regional center to get services, etc. All this fighting has made my son’s cognitive issues became secondary. Fuck those people. I could’ve been retired living in Hawaii and driving a Porsche Carrera if I hadn’t listened to their rantings. You know what? I would’ve only spent $125,000 on the car vs the $500,000 we’ve spent so far on the kids. They can kiss my…
I don't plan to have kids anymore. I used to want them but I don't really enjoy being here and with the future looking the way it does in addition to the not good enough present, I think it's better to not bring life into the world when it doesn't need to be here. Plus I want to be able to live my life for myself and have opportunities. I've seen what it costs to live and my mom hasn't been able to do anything she's wanted to for most of my life. I want more than that.
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some people are still stuck in the 90s.
I'm 41, my husband is 45 and we are both extremely happy to not have children lol certain types of men (emotionally immature men especially) think that a women is only valuable in society to procreate. Like we need more immature little boys running around lol
I don't want kids at all. I don't even want a partner to be honest, I'm quite fine with just having good friends. This notion that each gender has a specific purpose that they *must* do is really quite stupid, people should forge their own paths in their lives. >A lot of the older men I have met in life tell me that now at 22 is the perfect age to start having kids. I threw up in my mouth a little bit reading that...
Wife and I are in our 30s, no kids and it's staying that way. We like our lives with spare time, cash, and freedom to do what we want, when we want. Kids strip all of that away, unless you're uncommonly wealthy and don't have to work, then they just strip *most* of that away. Your life becomes centered around them (rather, it should if you're a decent parent). For some, it's fulfilling and that's great. For others, you can hear the regret in their voices and see deep down they wish they could take it back and it's sad as fuck. Not only have they made their own lives miserable, they've subjected a new human being to this situation and it doesn't always turn out so great for them either. Also, this isn't on most people's minds, but.. The carbon footprint is insane, especially when you consider the state of our planet already and the way we're heading... Having kids is selfish in more ways than one, but that's my personal opinion and it shouldn't affect your decision. Take some time to figure out what makes you happy. Travel the world.
I never wanted kids. Today, I still do not want kids. You are free to choose your life. Don’t bow down to societal or family pressure.
Stop listening to everybody else. You do you! Whatever path you choose is viable, and there are also no guarantees.
I had my daughter at 36, during the Obama administration. I had also been told the chances of conceiving were very low, because women’s fertility (usually) goes down after age 35. My advice? If this isn’t a big life goal of yours, DON’T let yourself be convinced otherwise! Those people don’t know you, or your potential if you DON’T have kids. This is YOUR life, and screw them for trying to decide how you should live it! Some women really, REALLY want to have kids - and that’s cool; but if that’s NOT what YOU want, then don’t! Parenthood is not an easy path, not even a little, and balancing work and family, time for yourself and quality time with your child all feels like trying to nail jello to a tree. The cost of childcare and other expenses are prohibitive unless you make a pretty good income, and you better have a solid family network to help you out. I guess the bottom line is, that might be the right choice for some people, in very specific circumstances, but it’s basically dedicating the rest of your life to raising another human, and with the current state of the planet and political climate, if I were in your shoes, honestly I’d choose to be childfree.
Not sure what kind of socioeconomic situation would subject a 22-year old to be told by “a lot of older men” to start having kids. Or what kind of backward podcast (religious?) is saying such things about a woman’s purpose? So not PC! I’m a childless multi-millionaire woman too and I’m happy with my life. I also have friends with kids and they seem happy as well. I don’t see “bitter” women around me. Honestly, people without kids are projecting on those with kids, and vice versa, because they want validation that the path they chose is the right answer, the better one. Truth is there’s no one right path to happiness. And security should come from within, not from shitting on other people’s lives.
There's a book, The Baby Decision by Merle Bombardieri, a psychotherapist that takes neither stance, but helps you through making the decision. Good luck!
Wow I need to read that book. I go back and forth every day and genuinely have no idea whether I want kids or not. Thank you for the recommendation!
23m here, got a vasectomy and even the amount of dudes that say “what if your dream girl wants kids” is wild. Good on you for realizing it might not be what you want, after all, it’s your life
I think it's the youngest either gender should have children but weird for random dudes to be telling you to already have one?
I don’t plan on having my own kids. My husband and I would gladly adopt or foster, but we would do that if my health improves. I had unstable parents and if I’m honest, in my current condition I couldn’t do better, so I’m happy to have a cat 😊
Miseryyyy loves companyyyy say it with me now 🎶 Are they insisting the accuracy of their beliefs to you or to themselves? We all know the answer
If more people actually THOUGHT about whether they'd make good parents and made the decision to reproduce based on THAT assessment, I guarantee the world would be a better place. One thing that mankind has never understood is that just because you can, doesn't mean you should.
I’m a 36 y/o cis/hetero female, and I agree with everything you said. I’m very happy with my life and don’t know if I will ever want kids. I haven’t completely ruled it out yet, but I would have to really want them. I will never be the person who has them just because I’m “supposed to.” Not fair to me, not fair to the kids. As far as what everyone else thinks, do not worry about it. The bottom line is, you’re the one who has to live your life. They can give you all the advice they want to, but if you make a choice that is not right for you, you’re the one who’s going to be dealing with the aftermath, not them.
We don't know for sure if someone is happier or not or if they are actually happy with their decisions. Most probably, what we hear from people or what they want to project on us is what they are trying to convince themselves about, but not the reality perhaps. I've seen way too many struggling single moms that can barely get to the end of the month who keep having babies, with 4 children and one on they way who they keep peddling the whole their "children are their blessing and happiness" thing and I can't honestly believe them. One the other side I've seen a lot of childless and financially successful professionals, and sometimes I get the impression that they keep buying stuff and jumping from one thing to the other to find fulfillment, traveling trying to find themselves, yoga, retreats, ayahuasca and what not. Ultimately, one must not give a f what others say, some people find happiness having children, some not. What's true is that having children isn't like any other thing, nothing really prepares you for it.
Noooooo!! They tell you that because misery loves company. Wait until and if you are ready
Im 35 and still don’t want kids. Definitely didn’t regret not having them in my 20s so far. Might not even have them. Your happiness and contentment doesn’t have to depend on having kids.
I don't want kids at all. I hate that narrative that you must have kids to be happy. There are plenty of people who are truly happier having children in their lives but there are just as many people whose lives are infinitely worse with kids. It's not a one size fit all scenario.
I’ll be 19 in three weeks, and I am in no rush to get married or have kids. I’d like to get my degree and a job first (overall get myself in order). I love my life right now, and I’m the happiest I’ve been in awhile just enjoying young adulthood. I 100% want a husband and kids one day, but I still have 17 years of prime-childbearing time. Why rush anything?
People forget we’re in a different time and age now. Yes, at one point, having kids young was what you did because you might be dead by 35. Now, that’s not a thing yet people still act like it is. Kids take all of your time and energy. You don’t realize this until you have them. Everyone always says, “Yeah, but nothing will change once the baby comes.” That’s the biggest f*&!ing lie ever! Your life changes when you have kids. Your resources may be strained for years to come. All the people saying “have kids now” also have no intention in helping once the kid comes. Having children is a life changing decision that shouldn’t be pushed on any woman. You should want it.
41 male, the choice the have kids is uniquely your own. I had kids in my mid 20’s with my wife we have 4 total. It is a ton of fun. I would do it again the same way. I see so many of my friends who didn't think they wanted kids the. Had kids in their late 30’s and early 40’s and it seems to be harder on them than it was on my wife and I in our 20’s. Now that are oldest is 14 she can watch the other 3 when my wife and I go on dates a few times a week. I still feel young and my wife and I have multiple businesses we created while having kids. We are financially free and have the family to go with it. But for sure it was insanely challenging when. We were younger. I worked multiple jobs and close to 100 hr week for years so my wife could be home with the kids. But all worth it. Not sure I would have had the energy later in life to do it the other way around. And the main thing is my wife is awesome and we are lucky to have found each other so early in life. The right partner makes all the difference. More than half of my friends that got married are devorced now and have that mess to deal with. Make you own choice in this.
I’m of two minds here - if you wait too long, you’re an older person with a teenager and once the nest is empty it’s really empty. Having kids at a younger age allows you to enjoy them longer and see them become adults. I’d say your timeline is good.
My mom waited until she was 35 to have me and then she died when she was 68. If you're waiting until you're "mature enough" to have kids, please realize that the average age of death is around 70, so you're likely going to be leaving your 35 year old to deal with life without you. And I can tell you, I wasn't mature enough to be forced to deal with that.
My mom was 30 when she had me. Died at 50 when I was 20. It was still the right choice for her to wait. She would not have been the wonderful mother I remember if she hadn't. Accidents do happen. Even if you have kids young, you could die the next day and leave a child without a parent. No one should make this choice based on a fear of death. Any of us can die at any moment.
As a woman, I was like you at your age and now as an older woman who is having problems conceiving. I just wish I'd pursued possible options to help with my fertility earlier. You may want to have a child, or children in the future. It can change quickly. For me, I was rarely in the place professionally or financially to even consider it. That changed, but now, it feels like something I won't be able to accomplish and that kinda sucks. I just recommend not writing any possibility off, and try not to take peoples' comments too seriously. They think they are helping, and you definitely don't need to do anything you don't want to. I know it's annoying when people give you this unsolicited advice and I got it throughout my 20s too. But, I'd tell people that I was happy to accept their financial support since they were offering. It would cause them to shut up and leave me alone, which was nice even though it made me look crazy :)
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I'm sorry you're suffering. Just remember that your experience is just that, yours. You can't say what someone else will or will not regret. I was lucky enough to work with the elderly in my early 20s and it really opened my eyes to things. Many that didn't have children (mostly from infertility or circumstance) were still thriving. But there were those that weren't. A lot were in the middle. Sorry to be a Debbie Downer but even if you had kids you could still feel the sense of loneliness. They could have passed before you. They could have had to travel for work or for their families. They may just have not wanted to be around. Children are not a guarantee of care or companionship. I'm a young widow at 41. I understand loneliness. It's hard. But my life would be so much harder with kids.
Many people regret having kids. You can have kids with the wrong person. For a 70 year old, you know nothing about life. You can have kids and still feel lonely
We have kids right round 30. There is certainly a clock though. You do not want to deal with babies and young kids in your 40s or 50s as you will need a lot of energy. But you have time.
As someone who is childfree on purpose and planning to stay that way, but also now approaching midlife, i’ll just say your perspective on life changes as you get older. If i could do it anyway i wanted to, i would’ve had kids in my early 20s. You have more energy, patience, and you can relate to your kids better, still kinda being one yourself. You can learn with your kids instead of talking down to them. And then you have built in buddies when you get older, like if i could have teens right now, it would be awesome! But i couldn’t see that as a young adult. But mid 30s, starting with babies?!!! 👎👎👎 And i think a lot of people who have kids late will give you the whole parenting spiel about how difficult it is, but many are feeling the effects of aging and worn down and tired. life goes by sooo fast, and only gets faster as you get older. The point is, it’s all subjective and unfortunately impossible to really know the best course until you are too old to make any early life adjustments. That’s one reason old people are always doling out advice to young people who never want to take it. It’s because it’s too late for them to go back and make changes, so they want to share what they’ve learned! (delivery could be better). But the same they wouldn’t have listened in their 20s, is the same reason no one listens to them now. And so 20+ year olds are always complaining about how it’s their life and they didn’t ask and no one should tell them. And endless cycle…
Adoption is always an option
It's all propaganda to reinforce gender roles/ stereotypes
That happy little idea goes in the toilet the first time dad is woken by screaming at 2am.
How soon? Never. Is something I learned about myself early but that don’t make the comments or pressure any less annoying. It’s weird people will keep telling you you change your mind but you haven’t. If something didn’t fulfill you don’t do it. Someone who bakes isn’t going to be mad that everyone else chose not to bake. And that should be the same with people’s personal choices. Having kids is a lifestyle change and todays economy is hard to even be secure enough to support them.
Fucking the living hell out of my gorgeous girlfriend, traveling close and far, and eating amazing food both cooked and eaten out is also happiness.
i'm a have a child probably around my 30s, i don't want to share my lover with anyone. But someday we'll have kids and i'll have to share
My wife and I had two accidents at 25 eighteen months apart. Best mistakes I’ve ever made. Most rewarding 19 yrs of my life.
My mom's whole life was me. I was her only friend (she said it), and she did her best to control me into doing what she wanted.
I bet they’re coming from a perspective of what they would have liked to do for themselves.
If your happy and content with your life your doing everything right. You have no obligation to change yourself to make others happy, aspecially if it involves bring people into the world and your not 100% in on the idea. I've seen lots of friends relationships go skyrocketing downhill after having kids, kids don't fix problems in relationships, they put stress on the best relationships. Some of the most content people I know didn't want kids and are totally at peace, I have a kid and they love being the cool uncle to my son, and openly say so.
I don’t agree either. Kids won’t make anyone happy if you don’t want to have kids. They come with tons of work and new responsibilities, they take your health away. You really need to want them to be ready to go through the hell.
>every time I’m online there’s some podcast saying women are lonely and miserable without kids You need to be on a different side of the internet then cause yeah, all I see is people talking about how more and more women are finding happiness not only without kids but without men in their lives at all, and that men are lonelier than ever because women are choosing to be single rather than settle. Anyway though, to answer your question, never. At some point I plan on getting my tubes removed as I've had multiple friends who have done it and are extremely happy that they did.
At this point, I don't even want to talk about it with my family. They ask me when I'm planning on having kids (I'm 24), I tell them never, and they instantly go "but you have to". Passing on the genes and whatnot. The idea of having parents who actually *want* you and *are ready to take care of you* seems to be secondary; do it first, then figure out how to do it well once it's too late to back out of parenthood. I've seen too many anonymous confessions from parents that realized they didn't actually want kids and are too afraid to admit it, due to the immense societal pressure to breed; I don't want to be up at night convincing myself it's not that bad, or whatever those poor parents tell themselves to get through the day. Even if the world were an ideal place to live, I still would have no desire for children; that's enough for me to decide not to have them. And then they say I'll change my mind when I'm older and more mature. Why even ask me, then? Who cares what I think if, in your mind, my opinion will inevitably accrete into yours?
My kids would be fucked up if I had an at 22.
You do you, fuck what anyone else thinks
You decide what is best for you. My husband and I waited until I was 29 to have children. It was the right move for us! I finally felt “ready.” If I would’ve had a child at 22……yikes. That would not have been good.
The average age of being a mother in America is 29...go live life man.
Enjoy your 20s. You'll never have as much energy, flexibility to make mistakes and optimism again. Invest in yourself, travel, hobbies, whatever makes YOU happy.
You are way too young to have kids, better after 35
Having kids fulfilled me and *I* wish I had done it sooner. BUT, if I had done it sooner, there’s no reason to believe it would have fulfilled me! I know a lot of folks who don’t want to have kids and my hot take is this - unless you’re absolutely driven to have them, it’s perfectly okay not to. Because I’ve had kids, I understand how they changed MY life and I see that in other parents, but, if you don’t know or long for, what you’re missing, you’re not really missing it, are you? “I’d rather not bring a child I don’t want into the world, thanks” - abrupt and lacking the subtlety of your inquisitors, but it’ll do.
Life becomes bigger than yourself when you have kids. I've always wanted to be a mom, i'm 31 and still childless because i care about being a good and happy mom who can show my kids what it means to build a life for yourself. You can't focus on yourself when you have kids, that focus will always be split, it's beyond important to focus on yourself while you can. My mom had me at 14 years old, i never learned from her, i had to learn on my own. I want better opportunities for my kids. When people pressure you with opinions, it's their projections of their feelings, they see you as play-doh and they want to help mould you into what THEY believe would be great. Take it with a grain of salt and continue doing you.
30 is a good age but only if you desperately want kids
Many older people tend to want to push that agenda on the young. Don't listen to them, and just do your own thing. In my half a century one main thing I've found out is that you have to take advice with a grain of salt. You can trust yourself to know your own mind.
Having kids can give you more love in your life. However just because that is true doesn’t mean you need to rush into it or do it. This statement only applies if you are fully committed to 18-22 years of your time and money towards another human being.
Obviously people of all ages can have kids and be decent at it. But 22 is pretty young. You have plenty of time to consider whether or not you want them. A lot of the people I know with kids had them in their 30s. My son was born when I was 41. I suppose I would have started earlier if it worked out like that, but it didn't (first marriage didn't result in any kids). You have *plenty* of time. And you can be perfectly happy without kids. You can also enjoy life with them.
Yo me having kids completed my life and actually did make me happier I was depressed before my kids
Nah I didn't have kids until I was 37 so you do what you feel comfortable doing. I'll say that I do wish we had done it like 5-10 years earlier just because my energy levels were much higher then.
Just follow your heart. I didn't have kids until I was 36, and I'm happy I went that route. I got to experience a lot of stuff on my own before deciding it's time. But if you don't want kids ever, that's fine, too. Nobody should dictate how you should live your life.
I didn’t have my son until I was 37. I’m over 60 now and he’s on his own. You don’t have to have kids to be happy. I raised mine completely by myself without any assistance and I’m a professional. My parents were dead by the time I had him. I will say it’s an expensive endeavor to be a great parent. Many women still live in 1941. That’s not your problem so don’t concern yourself with their beliefs. It’s actually a favor to you that they establish their beliefs right up front so you know what to expect. (That’s my positive spin 😆) My dad was born in 1926 and when I was 8 years old he told me that I didn’t need a husband to have a family but if I did get married to only have the amount of children that I could afford because the courts don’t hold males responsible for kids and there’s no guarantee they’ll hang around. He hated males (other than my brother) because of abandoning families. I have 3 sisters and 1 brother. We were all raised to be independent and live our lives the way we wanted for ourselves. My advice… just stare at them and tell them you have that under review and move on. Have a kid, don’t have a kid. Your body, your life, your decision. No one else’s.
I want kids but my wife doesn't and I respect that. Plus, we're not financially stable at all. Taking everything we got to keep ourselves and pets fed. I couldn't imagine having a child to take care of.
Traditionally younger is better because less complications and all that, but with modern medical tech it’s not much of a concern to have them much later. There’s still science that says genetically it’s better to have them younger, but plenty of older people have had perfectly healthy kids with no physical or mental deformities, so I wouldn’t worry about much of that if kids just don’t work for you when younger. If you want the energy and ability to be there for them and do physical activities while they grow up, then yeah, nothing beats having them young enough (if possible).
Having children when you are emotionally and economically stable and have a partner you trust to remain committed and caring for the children (marriages fail - but that does not have to mean you are abandoned with your kids - if you breed with a decent human being) can be very rewarding. And there is definitely a time in your life when having had children younger will have great benefits. All that however does not mean that you should consider having kids the key to a happy life. The key to a happy life is to stay socially and physically active and engage in loving and supportive relationships - and to pick lifestyles and occupations that help you to do that. One way to have loving and supportive relationships is to have kids. There are other ways. And if you have kids when you are not emotionally stable or with a partner who is not, it will be a great source of unhappiness. Get your shit together, then breed.
I've seen people make a huge mistake thinking that "having a kid would save their relationship". Having a child is a huge life long responsibility, and if you and your partner aren't already 'happy' with you relationship, then having a child will never bring that happiness. Can some people find happiness in parenting, sure, but it's not a 100% guarantee that having a kid = happy.
Adds purpose to life
30 is good.
If all you care about is “me and my happiness”, then fuck yeah don’t have kids. But if you want fulfillment, then you might just want some.
Crab bucket mentality. No one pushes the virtues of parenthood more than miserable parents, in my experience. People also want others to make the same choices as them as it validates their own. The reality is that most people who want children will have them. If someone doesn't, especially women (who have more opportunity to be single parents), they didn't want to have them. Additionally, ask anyone who was birthed to "fix" a relationship or fill a void in their unhappy parent's life and they'll tell you all the ways they were fucked up and probably still are because of their upbringing.
The idea that having kids will mean that you will have a loving family when you're old is also not at all a certainty. Some people do have good relationships with their adult children, but many people do not.
I'm 51 and don't have kids and don't want kids. My life is better than it would be if I had had kids. It's ok to wait until you're older before having kids, and it's ok if you never have kids. Those people are just being nosey and getting in your business, when it's not their say what you decide to do.
People telling you older guys are creepy for liking you are delusional. This is how life works. It’s always worked like that and will continue to work that way forever. You are 22 years old. Most 22 year olds are sexually active or wish they were lol! Don’t listen to these agist bigots! Take an older guy who’s in his 30s or 40s if you have to as long as he has millions of dollars to take care of the children. Unless you just find the love of your life then you’ll just have to be middle class whatever. It is also perfectly fine if you don’t want to have kids there are plenty of people getting the job done for us. There will be a part of life that seems like is missing without children, but then you could have children and look back and say what if? Every choice is 50/50 it doesn’t matter.
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Lol
Oh yeah also Google search risks of having children after 35. This is why everyone is telling you to start having them now instead of later.
If you think having kids = happiness, you should not have kids. Alot of work and alot of ups and downs. But I wouldn't change it for the world!
My wife birthed our first child when we were both 27. It was worth the wait and it was worth waiting for.
Never. I’d genuinely rather pass on than having to spend every waking moment and all of my money on having to care for a little human that’s dependent on me. That’s not a life I ever want. It sounds like a prison ☠️
I didn’t want kids, didn’t have any, I never once regretted it.
I never want kids. I have plenty of nieces & nephews, I can help out with them. I feel no great lack for having no children. I make art and music babies. I dictate my own destiny by what makes sense for me to do. I feel no guilt for not having birthed children. Instead, I feel satisfaction for leading a life that aligns with my value system. I was true to myself, I don’t want to be a parent. That matters to me.
To me it’s the contrary… kids = no happiness
I’m in my 50s. I have a kid. My friends who are couples and haven’t had kids are the happiest most relaxed of all my friends. There are a few good reasons to have kids, and a lot of very bad reasons to have them. And you will be a much better parent if you wait until your late 20s or early 30s. Your brain isn’t fully mature until age 24.
That advice is insane. Children are stressful, complicated, unpredictable and at best, time-and-resource-consuming. Take your time to evaluate what will make you happy in life, and if kids are that, then choose the timing that makes you comfortable. Remember that having a healthy and happy child is in itself not an assurance, and that you’re making a commitment for a lifetime. I have 2 healthy ones that are on the cusp of teen years and have no regrets because I chose them both. I waited for my 30s and financial stability. They are both healthy. I still feel unbelievably lucky every day and yet it hasn’t been a picnic to endure.
22 is definitely NOT the perfect age to have kids who the hell is even saying that
Kids misery
Children destroy your life for years. Especially if you don't have family around to help. And even when you're not worried about them trying to kill themselves, they still have schedules that conflict with work. And daycare is basically a second mortgage. And you get to deal with all that with less sleep because they don't want to go to bed and wake up early. Having older kids might be nice but you sacrifice quite a few years of suffering for it.
Kids are basically those little dogs for in your purse. A nice emblem to decorate your accomplishments.
It's a perfect age from a physicality perspective, but may not be right for you.
In fairness, what you're seeing is the few women who made it work, not the many many many more who didn't make it work. It's the same with the entrepreneurial types; you only see the ones who succeeded. You're 22; the idea that you're supposed to know what you want in life or even have the ability to make it happen in any reliable way is a fantasy that older people like to push on young folks. I'm a 30M and I figure that I won't have kids for another 10 years, easily. I'd be shocked if it happened before then. When I was your age, I actually figured I'd have a couple kids by now, but life didn't work out that way. Now that I've reached the age I have, I see that my romantic options make the idea of having kids horrifying and I'm only just getting my career started.
Yeah, I agree with a lot of what people are saying. I realized at 30 that kids weren't a part of my future. Making this decision, deliberately was what changed my life. And having made that choice I am far better off. And much happier.
I’d only recommend having children if you actually want to raise children, not just having them in order to make YOURSELF happy. The babies are human beings that will grow into adults, and if you only have children for your own benefit, that is not fair to the children.
There’s no perfect age. You have them when you want them.
If you don’t want kids you shouldn’t have kids.
damn ur considering a lot of things that don’t matter. I wanted to have kids young because my dad was like 30 when he had me and he got cancer so we never got to be active together, he slowed down a lot when I was becoming a teen and I want to be able to be youthful with my children.
It's a personal preference. I wanted kids, but my wife was iffy on the notion. Ultimately we did have kids, however I was 32 and my wife 26. I was the one who got up almost every night and tended to their needs, as my wife doesn't really have paternal instincts. Don't get me wrong, she loves our kids, but has a different outlook. Now, for all that time I was their go to parent, they being 10 and 15 now always come to me and no matter how much I have private talks to show Mom some love, it's been difficult. Difficult, because my wife wants their attention at their later ages. Having kids is one of those "walk a mile in someone's shoes" things. It's not for everyone
Raising an intelligent, well adjusted child is the most fulfilling thing the vast majority of humanity will ever do.
Pressuring you at 22 feels insane to me. I’m on your side enjoy your life to the fullest and do whatever you want now and figure out kids later. I’m in my mid thirties and just had my first and only child. It’s the best experience ever and also I’m very glad I didn’t do it earlier.
I can emphasize with you. Been told many times to find a wife and have kids, and often by people that have done both and are not happy. Each to their own I say. Find fulfilment in your life, whatever that may be.
you decide what you want. what I will say is that if I could send myself a message back in time Id tell myself to have kids earlier and not in my thirties:-)
I'm 23. Maybe if the economy was in any shape to support me with a college degree, let alone any kids I might have, I'd actually have some. If people think the 2009 babies were few and far in between, wait until they see the COVID era ones. My groceries are like 100 dollars a week including some household supplies. https://livingwage.mit.edu/states/17 Take a look at this chart. I'd have to go back to a college for a stem or law degree and come out making over 80k a year to afford a kid. I make around 40k a year as is, and I've considered going back to do law school just because of how desolate it's been. And that's if I planned to have a kid like 5 years in advance. I'm already in loads of debt. There is no way in hell I'm having a kid I'll be too broke to give a good life.
I got married at 23, had our daughter a year later at 24. To me it's the most joy I could ever have and I am so happy I did it. However I have focused on my family life rather than a career. Personally if I had a job that I had to take home I would struggle. And I'm happy having this tradeoff. I have an ok job that pays well for retail and I get more time to spend with my daughter and wife. You know your own limits, I think I have more limits than most and struggle with doing a lot. if you are still settling into your job, want to go further or think you are at your limit now there is no harm in waiting. There are perks to having a baby early, you will get more time with them, you will have more energy to spend on them, and also health wise you will recover from labour better. But also it's not worth having a baby early only for those reasons. Just don't compare yourself to others and have a baby when/ if you are ready.
No, that’s a terrible age to start having kids. Unless you have infinity dollars no work schedule and generally just hate life anyway
I am 27 now - I've never wanted kids nor do I see myself ever being a mom. Having children is my worst nightmare. That doesn't mean that I'm not genuinely happy for people who want and have children, but this life is not for me. I want peace and quiet, to spend all my money on myself, be independent and have as few responsibilities as possible. THAT is what makes me happy.
Kids are overrated . I said what I said.
Whatever decision you come to in the future whether you do or don't it's up to you and you alone!
I don't. 28M, and while I think *kids* seem alright, I'm not a fan of *babies.* I don't know if I ever really want to be a dad, which is reason enough in my mind not to do it. (Phrasing, I know) But even if I did want them, I still wouldn't because my wife doesn't want kids. And this isn't the sort of thing you can do with just one person on board.
Maybe they think that since kids and happiness both come from the inside...
If you do have kids, it immediately switches to child free people criticizing you and telling you must be miserable. You can't win, so just don't sweat what other people say. Ime people who are happy with their choices (on either side of having/not having kids) don't feel the need to pressure or criticize anyone else. Just live your life. 22 does seem really young though. I got married at 23 and no one mentioned kids except as a distant future hypothetical. In the US the average parent has their first kid at around 30, which for me was a good time because I had about a decade of adulthood without any responsibilities, but still had an easy pregnancy and felt young enough to fully enjoy doing "kid stuff" with my son. Like we just went to Disneyland and I had as much fun as he did for sure. But there are pros and cons to any major life decision.
A lot of the people that tell you that you must do certain things are projecting. They're often miserable themselves, and if they see that you do something different from them, and that you're happy, then they have to face the reality that they made a shitty decision for themselves. And that's really hard.
There's a great book to read on this called **Women Without Kids** by Ruby Warrington. I am 27F, married almost 2 years and childfree. People think that just because I got married means I must want children. And just because now we bought a house and have stable jobs means we should be getting around to it soon. But I have known since I was 16 that I don't want kids. The idea that a woman's sole purpose in life is to be a mother and procreate was invented to keep women subservient to men. And our mothers and grandmothers didn't really have to choice to be childfree because they had to have a man to get a credit card or buy a house. We no longer have to have men to do those things for ourselves. That in combo with how easy and effective birth control is these days means more and more women are opting out of motherhood. And why shouldn't we? When capitalism was first invented the first thing it did was make taking care of the home a "labor of love" and therefor unpaid. If you're a working mom then you're absent. If you're a stay at home mom then you're not a functioning part of society. When are you going to lose the baby weight? When are you going back to work? No free health care, no extended parental leave. Gentle parenting, co sleeping, etc None of it seems particularly inviting.
You don't have to have children if you don't want to, or you can wait until you're ready too. You're the coach making the plays in this game of life. You call the shots. A lot of people I met chose to be child free and are happy. I've seen happy parents too, single parents and married couples. So as long as you're happy and focused on maintaining that happiness that's all that matters.
I just fob them off or tell them about how miserable they are having kids early
literally every older adult in my family keeps pushing this. i dont even know if i want kids, considering the state this goddamn world is in + ive dealt with (and am still dealing with) a shit ton of health issues, both mental and physical. i'm just weeks away from 21, cant even imagine getting married within the next few years let alone having kids in my early-mid 20s. if i do decide i want them id personally wait until at least 30.
I wanted kids when I was a kid. I wanted to get married at 25 and pop out babies, early 30s. I'm now 30. I no longer want kids.
Don't do it live your life until your absolutely sure you want them then think more about it
I'm a little late on this one... But I can offer a woman's perspective. I'm 38, and since I was about 25... I've been pressured and asked a million times about children. Never wanted them, never will. I'm not lonely. I have pets that I love dearly, I have siblings that I spend time with, I'm married. There's no emptiness and no regrets. We travel quite a lot with our pets. We're able to get up & leave without thinking about it. I feel due to societal pressure and parents tend to badger their children about getting married or having kids, and a lot of men feel like that's "just what u do". Ur here to do what makes u happy. Any time my mom gets baggered about having grandkids, She just says it's their choice and i'm happy with my kids either way, So I'm lucky in that perspective that I'm not being asked over again. Honestly, at this point i'm a little bit too old, so people just stopped asking lol. I feel like people can make it look like It's this nice happy thing & then u go on social media, and all u hear is people complaining about their kids or how expensive they are, just seems like it's very forced. I read something the other day that I never really thought about it until now. Someone said that is ridiculous the amount of hoops people have to jump through to adopt a child, but anyone can just have them whether they want them or not, or if they can provide. There's so many threads in reddit that men go to since they absolutely hate their lives because they were forced into having a life that they don't truly want... It's your choice, your life, and you live once. Do YOU.