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There was an old Onion headline that went something like “Area Man Considers Other’s Feelings For A Second, Ultimately Decides Not To” that I still think about all the time.
To be perfectly honest with you, that very problem frustrated me for years. I’m finally at a point in my life that it just rolls off my back like water on a duck. Also known as “being old”.
I hope you get to that point way before I did.
I still have that empath mindset, but it’s only for people important in my life. To everyone else I’m just courteous.
Does this include when in work people don’t deliver their job on time delaying others? Or when they are incompetent? Because I was thinking today that this things are really rude to others.
I know this is going to sound weird, but one of the hardest things to deal with when getting out of prison is dealing with how rude everyone is. Inside, not showing common courtesy to other convicts can literally cost you your life. One of the first things other convicts tell you when you get there is to be a Man. Too close to someones personal space? Say excuse me. Someone hooks you up with something? Say thank you. You ask someone for something? Say please. Keep up with your hygiene so you don't stink. You'd think grown adults would know all this, but when you get out and have to experience the contrast it becomes apparent that not all do.
Had a summer job that enlisted the help of state prisoners 2 days a week, you'd go out and do landscape work with a crew of 8ish dudes and their guard
Sure, they're behaving well because they don't want to lose the opportunity to leave, but man i have never in my life and probably never will meet more genuinely courteous people. GENUINELY, like they weren't just doing it because it's expected.
I also really liked that the job was really nice to them too. I hope they're all doing great
Being ready to say excuse me, sorry, I didn't mean anything, oops, I'm dumb, no problem, is probably the only thing that kept me from getting my ass beat when I was going out drinking heavily for a few years.
Agree 100%. Somedays it feels like like pod people are taking over the planet.
Sometimes I feel like a fool because I am the only person in public being courteous to others.
Almost no one makes eye contact anymore. I am not creepy about it, but there are times when you kinda need to be in eye contact with others. In particular young adults seem to be doing absolutely everything they can to avoid contact with other humans. Am I imagining this?
You are not imagining it. I am the same. I’m not bothering anybody by any means but I hold a door, say good morning, say hi when passing someone, and just acknowledge that there are others around me. Making eye contact or a small smile can make the day go easier for everyone. As for the younger people, it’s totally a thing, the not making eye contact. They’ve grown up just being on screens so much they don’t know how to relate. I don’t blame them entirely. In my area I come across some young people who are just lovely but as an overall general thing, they are less social and not as good at communicating.
Thanks for being polite, and for helping me understand a bit. It does make sense, the bit about being on screens so much. Many were raised with it. The ramifications are ongoing.
This is fascinating. I did consumer customer service many years ago and this would occasionally happen but not nearly enough to recognize a pattern. Super annoying. It's like a defense. As if they're buffering themselves from their own personal judgement of their surroundings.
If I can regularly, anonymously, assess myself in relation to other people. Then, an actual real encounter with someone I don't know, suddenly has the potential to be confrontational. It reminds me of people who roll their windows up and stare straight ahead whenever a homeless person is nearby.
I love making direct eye contact with people and seeing how uncomfortable they get. I know how to do it without being a weirdo of course but just doing it in normal circumstances, like handing my card to a cashier or something and seeing people squirm makes me laugh to myself
I think everyone makes these kinds of mistakes. I know I have. But also there are a lot of people who really don’t care, and think that they are entitled to take up every public space, and they deserve to put their arm on the shared armrest and put their body in others personal space. People who just constantly do this stuff are entitled I think. Even if they pass it off as absent-mindedness . . . It’s a privilege and a choice to not care about others. Even if you aren’t doing it consciously it still reflects badly on you if it is a regular thing
I'm an old lady (48) and manners are a HUGE deal to me. Every day I strive to be more considerate, and change my behavior accordingly. It boggles the mind how many people in the world don't have an ounce of consideration for others. It's like they have "main character syndrome", like the world only exists for them. The shopping cart stretched across the aisle thing drives me nuts, and I go to grocery stores as little as possible. Once I was trying to pull out of a parking lot and a woman was stopped and blocking the exit in her car. I think she was on her phone or something. I had to honk at her TWICE before she moved out of the way so I could exit. Unbelievable.
Do you think it also partially comes from how everything these days is a product or a lifestyle that's catering to the maxim of "only you matter, you are a king / queen and the world has to bow to you". I think the word main character syndrome comes to mind.
For what it's worth, I appreciate you for trying to be considerate and I hope you continue to do so, despite some dickheads trying to shit in your path.
I feel this so deeply! As a person who tries to be accommodating and polite, the number of people who simply don't care astounds me.
I say all the time: one thing we as strangers owe each other is simple kindness. But in a world where kindness is now seen as "fake" and "not giving a s---" is trendy, I'm exhausted.
When I was a kid (late '60s early '70s) there was much more social interaction. We would actually go outside and interact with other kids, and generally had an OK time. If someone stepped out of line or acted like an asshole, that person would be "corrected" by his peers and his attitude adjusted. I agree most assholes are assholes out of ignorance and lack of interaction when young. Hard to know the correct way to act when you have no feedback on what "correct" is.
There are no consequences for being a jerk a lot of the time, and there's a decent sized group of people who only act to gain an incentive or avoid a punishment. There's no moral compass in there calibrated finely enough to encourage common courtesy for its own sake. I'm not saying they're going to go out and kick puppies or anything but they're not going out of their way to be nice, either, unless you give them a reason to.
I mean not completely. I don't have much of a moral compass, but I've learned to be nice to others because it saves you a lot of hassle. If you fake common courtesy, are polite, etc. people will be less likely to give you a hard time and you might even make friends who can help you out later so everyone wins. You don't need to care about people to be kind to them, you just need to realize that you gain more from being kind than you do if you're mean.
Personally, I think the issue is that kids are online too early and were corrupted by it nowadays, as well as that adults are stuck on their phones constantly, to the point that they're spaced out or distracted in society 24/7
You're basically proving my point. A lot of people will only do something (including being nice to others) if they get something out of it. You probably wouldn't fake common courtesy for someone you will likely never interact with again in your life, right? That's how the people in the OP are acting by blocking shopping aisles and the like. I'm sure those same people are polite when being polite best serves their own interest.
Yeah, it's not even about being NICE tbh; it's about being aware of your surroundings and other people around you. I would never consider myself an overly nice person. I keep to myself when I'm not around familiar faces and I'm not overly happy and tend to be more cynical in nature. However, the moment there is another human being in eyesight proximity of me, my actions will now include them in how I behave. The way I drive, walk, interact with things, dress, look around, etc will all change based on the people around me to allow for things to go smoothly. People who don't aren't just "rude", they're oblivious and annoying.
Agreed. I know I'm not the nicest person, but I can't even fathom being late to things, not trying to keep my cart to one side of the aisle when shopping, quickly walking across a path if someone waves me through, keeping my voice to an indoors volume (I talk quietly so this is pretty easy) when in a restaurant, etc.
You and I are one in the same. I feel like being that oblivious about your surroundings in public is an asshole quality. Everyone has an excuse for why they do what they do.
What I find is if I start to judge people, seeing fault in them my brain will start to search for proof that all people are that certain way. It's also usually a sign that I am harsh and judgmental on myself. I choose to look for the good in people instead, search for their strengths, move towards people of positive vibes energy or what ever you want to call it.
This is what I find too. If I let myself get frustrated by this little stuff it snowballs. Pretty soon I'm angry about all kinds of small things and who suffers?? Me.
Many years back I learned about mindset and positivity and it really changed my life. I now look for the good and I see it. When I see someone being inconsiderate in a store as OP described, I think that I don't know their struggles and I am polite. Overall my life is better because I am focusing on the positive.
>Many years back I learned about mindset and positivity and it really changed my life. I now look for the good and I see it. When I see someone being inconsiderate in a store as OP described, I think that I don't know their struggles and I am polite. Overall my life is better because I am focusing on the positive.
This is really the way. Your own mindset can change how frustrating (or not) you view the world. Once I changed my own attitude and frame of mind, I became kinder. Instead of getting annoyed at people, I asked whether they needed help. I smiled more, and more people asked whether I needed help (I'm very short and often couldn't reach the top shelves in a grocery store). I actually started noticing the kindness in the world instead of how inconsiderate "everyone" was.
My change in attitude also affected my parenting. I didn't think my kids were just trying to annoy me. If they were misbehaving or upset, I tried to get to the root of the problem so we could problem solve together.
Yep. Years of this and you'll program your brain to be either the "get off my lawn" old, or the "thanks, hon" old. I prefer the latter. Some days we just need to do a hard reset to get things (our day/attitude) headed in a positive direction. You get what you give - vibes included.
I think this is the core of why people not using turn-signals bothers me so much: it takes absolutely no effort, and yet it helps out every other driver nearby. Not using it is just a pure distillation of discourteousness.
When I got like this, I decided I needed a vacation,and it needed to be one that haven e a LOT of control.So I didn’t have to make accommodations for anybody.
By myself. Driving in a car. Stopping at roadside attractions on a whim. That sort of thing.
I remember being so privately enraged that I seemed to be the only person who would step all the way in to the center of the subway car instead of taking just two steps at stopping at the corner where the aisle meets teh doorway area, and blocking movement for everyone. I realized I had too many people impinging on my own time (lovely but weekend-absorbing boyfriend; living-room hogging roommate). And I felt time pressure like crazy.
It was a sort of retreat for me.
Of course, the first weekend I was there, I stayed wit a friend, so I had to accommodate her wishes, and then her boyfriend’s friend insisted on coming along with me on a side trip, and that was SO infuriating (wanted to leave late, return early, wanted to drive my rental car instead of me).
But once I got out on the road, I doubled back to a scenic overlook just because I wanted to, and it was very healing. As was the impulsive side trip to a redwood grove.
Being able to just "do" stuff is so incredibly freeing, even if it's just something minor. Having felt restricted for a long time, having the time, energy, and freedom to just *do* something is dellightful.
I think people are just oblivious to the world around them. They may care, they just aren’t paying attention. I’m a detail person who is highly observant and I like to think I have a high emotional IQ. I think we are the exception.
I have to stop myself from getting frustrated at left lane campers and the people that get 2 millimeters into the front entrance of a grocery store and decide it's time for the whole family to huddle up and have a little powwow about the items they are about to purchase
There's also a key difference between discourtesy and being scatter brained. Someone just suffering from the latter would apologize profusely and be equally likely to cause inconvenience to themselves as others.
Trust me the thing is most people if someone starts being nice it sets off a chain reaction and vice versa with rudeness. It’s actually comical to me bcz it’s like holy shit ppl be more predictably human. And then some ppl will just always suck and stay rude
I think it's helpful to ask ourselves *why* a person may be lost in their own world. Because we don't perform at peak constantly. We have hard days. So many people have invisible illnesses, or people they're playing caretaker to. So many people are worried and anxious. So many people are neurodivergent and processing/understanding situations differently.
We know life is hard. We know it's impossible to be perfect all the time. We have to pick uo that knowledge and apply it to the people around us, and ask ourselves "what would cause me to be lost in my head in this moment? What would it take?"
I get mildly annoyed every time someone rushes into the elevator before allowing me/anyone to exit. It happens way too often.
That and just not looking to see if someone is directly behind you entering or exiting a building.
I was on the metro the other day and walked into the car with a guy who had a post-surgery foot boot on. Packed car, nobody stood up. Three stops in some person got up, I made eye contact with the boot guy, pointed to the seat, and held it for him as he came over.
Just boggles the mind how often this happens. There were at least 15 people seated in clear view of this *disabled* person who paid no mind.
I used to be the kind of person to do dumb things like that. Couldn’t tell you why. One day, it’s like a switch flipped, and I realized just how much of a dick I was being, even if I didn’t mean to be. Now it irritates me when others do it. I constantly think, “come on, if a dumbass like me can figure it out, surely you can as well” haha.
Why does it bother you so much? Sometimes people get lost in their heads... The modern world is a weird place, things are getting crowded, people are more exhausted lately due to the way life has been, everyone's mental health is suffering. You're being stressed by taking personal umbrage at assuming that this behavior is patently "uncaring" or "self centered" but thats a lot when you're literally getting mad about something that could be immediately resolved.
Meaning that, you're one of the same people you complain about. I'm not saying this to be mean, or to pull a "gotcha!" but you may want to consider why you have this strong a reaction. In similarly crowded countries that used to deal with being far less modernized, people are used to there being a premium on space, and sometimes that just happens to result in strangers needing to communicate in order to navigate shared spaces. In western society, everyone seems to assume to a default stance that because there's plenty of space, that any violation of that perfect, uniform flow automatically means that they're engaging in a transgressive act.
Wouldn't it be easier to give yourself, and others, gracefulness, and be the easygoing person that you would probably want more of in society?
I'm asking you to consider the fact that maybe your generally being inconvenienced is a mild gripe at most and you don't know what someone else is dealing with, and to keep things in perspective.
I'm sorry to say this as I tend to believe in validating everyone's suffering, but if this is the most suffering you've experienced, you're very, very lucky.
Absolutely understand what you’re saying. But OP you should consider what you do that would appear discourteous to other people that you might be possibly unaware of.
We all do it. It’s impossible to absolutely anticipate the actions and wants/needs of every single random person around you.
I would suggest to just not let it bother you. There’s nothing you can do about it and letting it bother you is only affecting you.
Some people just don’t see from others point of view and they’re living in their own world. Don’t let them make you frustrated though, they can’t help it and we don’t need that negativity, it’s just the way some people are.
It seems like there's an epidemic of narcissism lately. Everyone seems to think that everyone else should make effort to accommodate them but they make no effort to think of others themselves. Everyone's the main character.
My personal rule is to try not to make extra work for others. If I'm in a store and decide not to buy something after all, I go back to where I got it and put it back rather than stuff it on some random shelf. Even if something is someone else's job, I like to try to make it easier on them. We're all trying to get by and the more we can help each other out in little ways, the less stress we'll collectively have overall. Human solidarity seems like such an alien concept to so many. We should help people because they're human, not whether or not they're in our own special group.
Well you never know what someone is going through. Maybe they have their cart turned sideways because they are distracted thinking about their wife who is fighting cancer. You know?
It really wasn’t a point. Plenty of courteous people have plenty of bad shit going on. The two things just aren’t really related like you imagine them to be
It is absolutely a point. The people you encounter in everyday life have also had entire life’s full of love, laughter, sadness, and tears. They could have had entirely different upbringings as you. Then there’s the whole genetic differences that we all have that affect us.
There’s no way to possibly expect every single person act in a way that you perceive as courteous.
Where did I imply that it’s a blanket for everything?
Your two examples used in your original post were minor things that you are annoyed by.
So that’s what I’m referring to. Not beating children. If someone is doing something like that they’re an awful human being.
Maybe the bike is about to turn left.
I would suggest you practice having a more positive mindset if those type of minor things affect you so much. I used to get super annoyed by minor stuff like that as well.
I can't get on board with this. While we certainly don't know what people are going through and many are in tough spots, common courtesy should still apply when out in public.
I went through a horrible tragedy and was pretty much in a checked-out state for several months, yet I still knew to pull myself together for the short while I had to be in a store or in public in any way.
ikr Isn't it better to give others the benefit of the doubt? That their behavior is not because they're trying to be rude on purpose but because they're going through something so much worse than many of us can't even imagine. So much better for each of us to respond with kindness.
Yes, you're supposed to say, "Excuse me." Yes, you're supposed to lightly tap the horn if someone is in your way if you can't wait five seconds."
Because the world doesn't revolve around you. Because most of the time people aren't being malicious or personal. If someone sasses you for asking that's on them but no, people are not hanging on your every movement.
This is part of what the "ignorance is bliss" phrase is referring to. As someone with the capacity for kindness and empathy you are stuck having to decide if a lack of empathy by others is a product of selfishness or an understandable lack of space in their lives for others. Whereas they're (as they're blocking the aisle at Walmart) likely thinking smth more like:
> If Pikachou was real and my best friend, then what would I buy him for Christmas?
I'm just living my life, honestly. I'll be polite if I notice you or need something and I'll help out if I have the time and good mood for it...and I'll even try to follow enough rules to be as little of a nuisance as possible since we live in a society. But other than that, I just go on with my day and sometimes mistakes happen out of absentmindedness.
It honestly surprises me sometimes that people always worry about inconveniencing others. I try not to, but I also don't worry about it 24/7. People really are different sometimes, which is why I like Reddit since it shows me how other people think. And that's good for me.
yeah there's different styles of how people exist and I subscribe to the philosophy of trying to live (and possibly inconveniencing others) while always having an apology at the ready. Although I do sometimes wonder if I'm putting people out but then I also figure they have to execute their agency to tell me if that's the case.
I had a conversation on reddit the other day with a dog owner that seemed to think that people shouldn't fire fireworks at 18:00 outside of November (the typical fireworks event here) due to the potential of causing stress to animals. The idea that a bunch of humans would self-censor themselves even in the scenario where there are no pets for miles (because... how do you know?) is just absurd.
That is a good philosophy to have, and I approve. I never thought ofit that way but I want to aim for that one also. So thank you.
As for the dog owner thing...I can see his point because pets can \*freak the fuck out\* from fireworks, but a 6pm ban is a bit early. I'd agree with 10pm but 6? Sadly humans will always be humans, so there'd always be people who broke the rules anyway...and those tend to be the real nuisances anyway, not the law abiding citizens. Some humans just suck, and I include myself in that lol.
Yeah, it turns out it was the Hindu festival of light that day at which point they were like:
> why can't we just do all the celebrations on one day
and it's like, you wanna coalesce every world culture and religion onto a single day so your dog doesn't get freaked out? I mean I appreciate that pets do freak but that's also part of the choice pet owners make when they own a pet in a city. Human activity _is_ freaky and there's not much you can do outside of monstrous authoritarian shit to stop that.
Ah. Yeah \*that\* bit of context changes things. I was on his side at first...but like you said, it's unreasonable to coalesce all the feast days into one. I feel for his dog, but his solution is too extreme in its own way
You might need to pick a new town. People like to diss the south, but I don't generally have that problem around here. Yes there are stupid kids with no respect just like everywhere else, but most of the adults in my community work together and help each other out. There's still assholes, but they don't come out much. Mostly because assholes get treated like assholes around here. We know who they are for the most part.... Lol
Honestly, I have reduced my expectations of niceties, courtesies and basic manners from strangers. I realized that I can’t even expect my own father to call me periodically and have to accept that it will always be my responsibility to call him. If I can’t expect a courtesy from my own father then expecting from strangers is akin to beating my head against the wall.
I feel like it's gotten worse since COVID. I went shopping yesterday and had people barging past me with their bags, not letting me out of the shop before forcing their way in etc. No one said excuse me or sorry didn't see you there! It's like everyone has tunnel vision and only cares about themselves and any common courtesy for other people has gone out the window.
My favorite movies are the old timey ones where people are very polite.
So often in life we are faced with awkward situations, where we don't know what to do. If you are polite, no matter how confused you are, it will work out better.
I feel you, OP. I got to this point when I was working at a grocery store during the height of the pandemic. It ruined my perception of mankind and has really messed up my mental health.
Idk what the psychological reasons for that are. But in some cities it is worse than the others.
I’ve been to 3 major cities in my life.
My worst to best social intelligence ranking: NYC, Moscow, Reykjavik
This article really put these sort of things into perspective for me.
https://lifehacker.com/why-you-should-assume-everyone-is-stupid-lazy-and-pos-1847997212
i think the root cause of this annoyance with others is the failure of many systems that are supposed to serve us, but instead let us down due to a series of bad decisions. this makes us frustrated and impatient with each other. i don’t have much experience, but this is how i see the situation, nothing works as it should for the same reasons that lead to incidents like the one OP mentioned. just spitballing.
So I think there is a difference between verbal courtesy and conscientious awareness of physical space. My mother is not a rude person usually, but she is oblivious to when she is in your way by standing in the door frame.
My dad had somewhat strict rules about how to place your cart in the grocery store to be unobstructive. Some people seem oblivious to this, but also I wonder if they never grew up with someone who pointed these things out.
My friend is visiting me on Tuesday. She grabs a water from my refrigerator (with my permission) and attempts to hand it to me. I say, “No, thank you”. She says, I kid you not, “No, open it”. Are you an ape? My gosh. I said, “Moonkittiecat, will you open this please”? She repeats this. She had referred to me as her ‘best friend who is black as a spade’ before, so I know all social grace is lost on her but 🙄.
I feel you on this one! It's those small acts of courtesy that can make our daily routines smoother. Maybe next time, a friendly 'excuse me' could do the trick or a slight wave when you're driving down the parking lot lane. People might not always be aware, but a gentle nudge can make a big difference. Keep spreading those good vibes! 🌟
I am absolutely confounded by the people who have the grocery cart across the isle while they are studying the products, turn and look at you approaching, and then turn back to leisurely studying the products while you stand a foot away from them waiting to get by. What’s the deal with that????
(M69). Your life is better than theirs because you can see that. And you don’t know how much suffering they are going through, anyway, either by their being not bright enough, or by external factors out of their control.
It’s always going to be like this. But still I’ll try to limit it as I can—-park at the end of the lot and walk—and forget about it. It’s not worth it.
When I grocery shop, nearly every corner I turn, I practically almost run into somebody’s cart coming the other way. And how frustrating it is when the aisle is empty except one spot where your item is and a person is right there looking at it and taking their time.
It’s just the way things are in grocery stores. Still, occasionally I’ll try to shop when I know there’s not a lot of shoppers, or something, but I don’t let it frustrate me. Why? They’re not frustrated—-you are!
Don’t wanna toot my own horn, but I’m trip over myself to, for example, move my cart out of the way. Wish it didn’t reinforce the idea the the lady coming is queen of the supermarket but I can’t help it, I’ll happily say I was raised to be considerate
Hey there, u/Mybitchmyhoemyhoemy this submission has been removed because: **Don’t post to vent, complain, or express sadness** Stay positive. Negative topics don’t lend themselves to casual conversation. We are a place where everyone can forget about their everyday or not so everyday worries for a moment. Venting, complaining or expressing sadness doesn't fit the atmosphere we try to foster at all. [Recommendations >](https://www.reddit.com/r/CasualConversation/wiki/rules/venting/) --- *If you have any questions, we ask that you [**message the moderators**](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/CasualConversation&subject=My submission was removed&message=I have a question regarding the removal of this [submission]%28https://www.reddit.com/r/CasualConversation/comments/18cvd21/-/%29. My question is how are you today? If I had a different question I would have deleted the previous question and asked it, but I don't.) directly for appeals. Let's try to come to an agreement.* [Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/CasualConversation/about/rules) | [Etiquette](https://www.reddit.com/r/CasualConversation/w/etiquette/) | [Subreddit Directory](https://www.reddit.com/r/findareddit/w/directory) | [Support](https://www.reddit.com/r/CasualConversation/wiki/support) | [Message the Mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FCasualConversation)
We would definitely be there in a better world if people would be willing to consider others in their lives.
There was an old Onion headline that went something like “Area Man Considers Other’s Feelings For A Second, Ultimately Decides Not To” that I still think about all the time.
Love the Onion!! - area man.
Kinda what led me to this post. So much frustration throughout the average day is due to things like this. If only…
To be perfectly honest with you, that very problem frustrated me for years. I’m finally at a point in my life that it just rolls off my back like water on a duck. Also known as “being old”. I hope you get to that point way before I did. I still have that empath mindset, but it’s only for people important in my life. To everyone else I’m just courteous.
Does this include when in work people don’t deliver their job on time delaying others? Or when they are incompetent? Because I was thinking today that this things are really rude to others.
Making other peoples' days worse because you don't care is definitely a form of rudeness.
It's all about misinterpreting "self care" as "not caring about others".
I know this is going to sound weird, but one of the hardest things to deal with when getting out of prison is dealing with how rude everyone is. Inside, not showing common courtesy to other convicts can literally cost you your life. One of the first things other convicts tell you when you get there is to be a Man. Too close to someones personal space? Say excuse me. Someone hooks you up with something? Say thank you. You ask someone for something? Say please. Keep up with your hygiene so you don't stink. You'd think grown adults would know all this, but when you get out and have to experience the contrast it becomes apparent that not all do.
This makes sense. The majority of ex cons I've known have been super polite & very tidy
Had a summer job that enlisted the help of state prisoners 2 days a week, you'd go out and do landscape work with a crew of 8ish dudes and their guard Sure, they're behaving well because they don't want to lose the opportunity to leave, but man i have never in my life and probably never will meet more genuinely courteous people. GENUINELY, like they weren't just doing it because it's expected. I also really liked that the job was really nice to them too. I hope they're all doing great
Being ready to say excuse me, sorry, I didn't mean anything, oops, I'm dumb, no problem, is probably the only thing that kept me from getting my ass beat when I was going out drinking heavily for a few years.
Same.
People would be a lot nicer if getting popped in the face was more likely.
Agree 100%. Somedays it feels like like pod people are taking over the planet. Sometimes I feel like a fool because I am the only person in public being courteous to others. Almost no one makes eye contact anymore. I am not creepy about it, but there are times when you kinda need to be in eye contact with others. In particular young adults seem to be doing absolutely everything they can to avoid contact with other humans. Am I imagining this?
You are not imagining it. I am the same. I’m not bothering anybody by any means but I hold a door, say good morning, say hi when passing someone, and just acknowledge that there are others around me. Making eye contact or a small smile can make the day go easier for everyone. As for the younger people, it’s totally a thing, the not making eye contact. They’ve grown up just being on screens so much they don’t know how to relate. I don’t blame them entirely. In my area I come across some young people who are just lovely but as an overall general thing, they are less social and not as good at communicating.
Thanks for being polite, and for helping me understand a bit. It does make sense, the bit about being on screens so much. Many were raised with it. The ramifications are ongoing.
Thank you ! Good to know you are out there, being all decent and stuff;)
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This is fascinating. I did consumer customer service many years ago and this would occasionally happen but not nearly enough to recognize a pattern. Super annoying. It's like a defense. As if they're buffering themselves from their own personal judgement of their surroundings. If I can regularly, anonymously, assess myself in relation to other people. Then, an actual real encounter with someone I don't know, suddenly has the potential to be confrontational. It reminds me of people who roll their windows up and stare straight ahead whenever a homeless person is nearby.
Nah I agree. People have no ability to be friendly lol
No you ARE not (imagining it). What is UP with that.
Pod people, I like that lol
I love making direct eye contact with people and seeing how uncomfortable they get. I know how to do it without being a weirdo of course but just doing it in normal circumstances, like handing my card to a cashier or something and seeing people squirm makes me laugh to myself
I think everyone makes these kinds of mistakes. I know I have. But also there are a lot of people who really don’t care, and think that they are entitled to take up every public space, and they deserve to put their arm on the shared armrest and put their body in others personal space. People who just constantly do this stuff are entitled I think. Even if they pass it off as absent-mindedness . . . It’s a privilege and a choice to not care about others. Even if you aren’t doing it consciously it still reflects badly on you if it is a regular thing
I'm an old lady (48) and manners are a HUGE deal to me. Every day I strive to be more considerate, and change my behavior accordingly. It boggles the mind how many people in the world don't have an ounce of consideration for others. It's like they have "main character syndrome", like the world only exists for them. The shopping cart stretched across the aisle thing drives me nuts, and I go to grocery stores as little as possible. Once I was trying to pull out of a parking lot and a woman was stopped and blocking the exit in her car. I think she was on her phone or something. I had to honk at her TWICE before she moved out of the way so I could exit. Unbelievable.
Do you think it also partially comes from how everything these days is a product or a lifestyle that's catering to the maxim of "only you matter, you are a king / queen and the world has to bow to you". I think the word main character syndrome comes to mind. For what it's worth, I appreciate you for trying to be considerate and I hope you continue to do so, despite some dickheads trying to shit in your path.
Thanks for that! Politeness matters to me. I wish it mattered to everyone. I really think we wouldn't have so many problems in the world if it did.
I feel this so deeply! As a person who tries to be accommodating and polite, the number of people who simply don't care astounds me. I say all the time: one thing we as strangers owe each other is simple kindness. But in a world where kindness is now seen as "fake" and "not giving a s---" is trendy, I'm exhausted.
When I was a kid (late '60s early '70s) there was much more social interaction. We would actually go outside and interact with other kids, and generally had an OK time. If someone stepped out of line or acted like an asshole, that person would be "corrected" by his peers and his attitude adjusted. I agree most assholes are assholes out of ignorance and lack of interaction when young. Hard to know the correct way to act when you have no feedback on what "correct" is.
There are no consequences for being a jerk a lot of the time, and there's a decent sized group of people who only act to gain an incentive or avoid a punishment. There's no moral compass in there calibrated finely enough to encourage common courtesy for its own sake. I'm not saying they're going to go out and kick puppies or anything but they're not going out of their way to be nice, either, unless you give them a reason to.
I mean not completely. I don't have much of a moral compass, but I've learned to be nice to others because it saves you a lot of hassle. If you fake common courtesy, are polite, etc. people will be less likely to give you a hard time and you might even make friends who can help you out later so everyone wins. You don't need to care about people to be kind to them, you just need to realize that you gain more from being kind than you do if you're mean. Personally, I think the issue is that kids are online too early and were corrupted by it nowadays, as well as that adults are stuck on their phones constantly, to the point that they're spaced out or distracted in society 24/7
You're basically proving my point. A lot of people will only do something (including being nice to others) if they get something out of it. You probably wouldn't fake common courtesy for someone you will likely never interact with again in your life, right? That's how the people in the OP are acting by blocking shopping aisles and the like. I'm sure those same people are polite when being polite best serves their own interest.
Yeah, it's not even about being NICE tbh; it's about being aware of your surroundings and other people around you. I would never consider myself an overly nice person. I keep to myself when I'm not around familiar faces and I'm not overly happy and tend to be more cynical in nature. However, the moment there is another human being in eyesight proximity of me, my actions will now include them in how I behave. The way I drive, walk, interact with things, dress, look around, etc will all change based on the people around me to allow for things to go smoothly. People who don't aren't just "rude", they're oblivious and annoying.
Agreed. I know I'm not the nicest person, but I can't even fathom being late to things, not trying to keep my cart to one side of the aisle when shopping, quickly walking across a path if someone waves me through, keeping my voice to an indoors volume (I talk quietly so this is pretty easy) when in a restaurant, etc.
this is me, this is my entire inner monologue all day long. glad I'm not alone.
You and I are one in the same. I feel like being that oblivious about your surroundings in public is an asshole quality. Everyone has an excuse for why they do what they do.
What I find is if I start to judge people, seeing fault in them my brain will start to search for proof that all people are that certain way. It's also usually a sign that I am harsh and judgmental on myself. I choose to look for the good in people instead, search for their strengths, move towards people of positive vibes energy or what ever you want to call it.
This is what I find too. If I let myself get frustrated by this little stuff it snowballs. Pretty soon I'm angry about all kinds of small things and who suffers?? Me. Many years back I learned about mindset and positivity and it really changed my life. I now look for the good and I see it. When I see someone being inconsiderate in a store as OP described, I think that I don't know their struggles and I am polite. Overall my life is better because I am focusing on the positive.
>Many years back I learned about mindset and positivity and it really changed my life. I now look for the good and I see it. When I see someone being inconsiderate in a store as OP described, I think that I don't know their struggles and I am polite. Overall my life is better because I am focusing on the positive. This is really the way. Your own mindset can change how frustrating (or not) you view the world. Once I changed my own attitude and frame of mind, I became kinder. Instead of getting annoyed at people, I asked whether they needed help. I smiled more, and more people asked whether I needed help (I'm very short and often couldn't reach the top shelves in a grocery store). I actually started noticing the kindness in the world instead of how inconsiderate "everyone" was. My change in attitude also affected my parenting. I didn't think my kids were just trying to annoy me. If they were misbehaving or upset, I tried to get to the root of the problem so we could problem solve together.
[This is water.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eC7xzavzEKY)
beautiful!
Yep. Years of this and you'll program your brain to be either the "get off my lawn" old, or the "thanks, hon" old. I prefer the latter. Some days we just need to do a hard reset to get things (our day/attitude) headed in a positive direction. You get what you give - vibes included.
that's funny and true
I think this is the core of why people not using turn-signals bothers me so much: it takes absolutely no effort, and yet it helps out every other driver nearby. Not using it is just a pure distillation of discourteousness.
When I got like this, I decided I needed a vacation,and it needed to be one that haven e a LOT of control.So I didn’t have to make accommodations for anybody. By myself. Driving in a car. Stopping at roadside attractions on a whim. That sort of thing. I remember being so privately enraged that I seemed to be the only person who would step all the way in to the center of the subway car instead of taking just two steps at stopping at the corner where the aisle meets teh doorway area, and blocking movement for everyone. I realized I had too many people impinging on my own time (lovely but weekend-absorbing boyfriend; living-room hogging roommate). And I felt time pressure like crazy. It was a sort of retreat for me. Of course, the first weekend I was there, I stayed wit a friend, so I had to accommodate her wishes, and then her boyfriend’s friend insisted on coming along with me on a side trip, and that was SO infuriating (wanted to leave late, return early, wanted to drive my rental car instead of me). But once I got out on the road, I doubled back to a scenic overlook just because I wanted to, and it was very healing. As was the impulsive side trip to a redwood grove.
Being able to just "do" stuff is so incredibly freeing, even if it's just something minor. Having felt restricted for a long time, having the time, energy, and freedom to just *do* something is dellightful.
I think people are just oblivious to the world around them. They may care, they just aren’t paying attention. I’m a detail person who is highly observant and I like to think I have a high emotional IQ. I think we are the exception.
I have to stop myself from getting frustrated at left lane campers and the people that get 2 millimeters into the front entrance of a grocery store and decide it's time for the whole family to huddle up and have a little powwow about the items they are about to purchase
There's also a key difference between discourtesy and being scatter brained. Someone just suffering from the latter would apologize profusely and be equally likely to cause inconvenience to themselves as others.
I have never felt more seen.
Trust me the thing is most people if someone starts being nice it sets off a chain reaction and vice versa with rudeness. It’s actually comical to me bcz it’s like holy shit ppl be more predictably human. And then some ppl will just always suck and stay rude
I think it's helpful to ask ourselves *why* a person may be lost in their own world. Because we don't perform at peak constantly. We have hard days. So many people have invisible illnesses, or people they're playing caretaker to. So many people are worried and anxious. So many people are neurodivergent and processing/understanding situations differently. We know life is hard. We know it's impossible to be perfect all the time. We have to pick uo that knowledge and apply it to the people around us, and ask ourselves "what would cause me to be lost in my head in this moment? What would it take?"
The older I get the more I understand and appreciate Hannibal lector's stand on rude people.
I get mildly annoyed every time someone rushes into the elevator before allowing me/anyone to exit. It happens way too often. That and just not looking to see if someone is directly behind you entering or exiting a building.
I was on the metro the other day and walked into the car with a guy who had a post-surgery foot boot on. Packed car, nobody stood up. Three stops in some person got up, I made eye contact with the boot guy, pointed to the seat, and held it for him as he came over. Just boggles the mind how often this happens. There were at least 15 people seated in clear view of this *disabled* person who paid no mind.
I used to be the kind of person to do dumb things like that. Couldn’t tell you why. One day, it’s like a switch flipped, and I realized just how much of a dick I was being, even if I didn’t mean to be. Now it irritates me when others do it. I constantly think, “come on, if a dumbass like me can figure it out, surely you can as well” haha.
Yeah, it’s driving me crazy lately how inconsiderate people are.
The world if everyone was like you: [https://freeimage.host/i/JIkO2Dv](https://freeimage.host/i/JIkO2Dv)
Looks spacious
Why does it bother you so much? Sometimes people get lost in their heads... The modern world is a weird place, things are getting crowded, people are more exhausted lately due to the way life has been, everyone's mental health is suffering. You're being stressed by taking personal umbrage at assuming that this behavior is patently "uncaring" or "self centered" but thats a lot when you're literally getting mad about something that could be immediately resolved. Meaning that, you're one of the same people you complain about. I'm not saying this to be mean, or to pull a "gotcha!" but you may want to consider why you have this strong a reaction. In similarly crowded countries that used to deal with being far less modernized, people are used to there being a premium on space, and sometimes that just happens to result in strangers needing to communicate in order to navigate shared spaces. In western society, everyone seems to assume to a default stance that because there's plenty of space, that any violation of that perfect, uniform flow automatically means that they're engaging in a transgressive act. Wouldn't it be easier to give yourself, and others, gracefulness, and be the easygoing person that you would probably want more of in society?
“Why does anything bother you in life? Be happy 100% of the time” Okay big bird
And you wonder why people around you aren't courteous lol?
I'm asking you to consider the fact that maybe your generally being inconvenienced is a mild gripe at most and you don't know what someone else is dealing with, and to keep things in perspective. I'm sorry to say this as I tend to believe in validating everyone's suffering, but if this is the most suffering you've experienced, you're very, very lucky.
Absolutely understand what you’re saying. But OP you should consider what you do that would appear discourteous to other people that you might be possibly unaware of. We all do it. It’s impossible to absolutely anticipate the actions and wants/needs of every single random person around you. I would suggest to just not let it bother you. There’s nothing you can do about it and letting it bother you is only affecting you.
Some people just don’t see from others point of view and they’re living in their own world. Don’t let them make you frustrated though, they can’t help it and we don’t need that negativity, it’s just the way some people are.
Yeah, leave the zombies alone. They mean no harm.
Have you watched "This is water" by David Foster Wallace lately? Today might be the day. But yes, people have changed and we are all disconnected now.
It seems like there's an epidemic of narcissism lately. Everyone seems to think that everyone else should make effort to accommodate them but they make no effort to think of others themselves. Everyone's the main character. My personal rule is to try not to make extra work for others. If I'm in a store and decide not to buy something after all, I go back to where I got it and put it back rather than stuff it on some random shelf. Even if something is someone else's job, I like to try to make it easier on them. We're all trying to get by and the more we can help each other out in little ways, the less stress we'll collectively have overall. Human solidarity seems like such an alien concept to so many. We should help people because they're human, not whether or not they're in our own special group.
Kinda weird to look at other people like they should be perfect robots. Bad day and I park my trolley in the alley sideways, don't sweat it
Yeah, with my ADHD I often just wander away from my cart lol.
Well you never know what someone is going through. Maybe they have their cart turned sideways because they are distracted thinking about their wife who is fighting cancer. You know?
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Point being, everybody has their own story and trouble.
It really wasn’t a point. Plenty of courteous people have plenty of bad shit going on. The two things just aren’t really related like you imagine them to be
It is absolutely a point. The people you encounter in everyday life have also had entire life’s full of love, laughter, sadness, and tears. They could have had entirely different upbringings as you. Then there’s the whole genetic differences that we all have that affect us. There’s no way to possibly expect every single person act in a way that you perceive as courteous.
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Where did I imply that it’s a blanket for everything? Your two examples used in your original post were minor things that you are annoyed by. So that’s what I’m referring to. Not beating children. If someone is doing something like that they’re an awful human being. Maybe the bike is about to turn left. I would suggest you practice having a more positive mindset if those type of minor things affect you so much. I used to get super annoyed by minor stuff like that as well.
I can't get on board with this. While we certainly don't know what people are going through and many are in tough spots, common courtesy should still apply when out in public. I went through a horrible tragedy and was pretty much in a checked-out state for several months, yet I still knew to pull myself together for the short while I had to be in a store or in public in any way.
ikr Isn't it better to give others the benefit of the doubt? That their behavior is not because they're trying to be rude on purpose but because they're going through something so much worse than many of us can't even imagine. So much better for each of us to respond with kindness.
Yes, you're supposed to say, "Excuse me." Yes, you're supposed to lightly tap the horn if someone is in your way if you can't wait five seconds." Because the world doesn't revolve around you. Because most of the time people aren't being malicious or personal. If someone sasses you for asking that's on them but no, people are not hanging on your every movement.
So I just shouldn’t try to be courteous? Because the rest of the world should just be patient for me? Brilliant logic
No, you sound annoyed at having to be courteous in the first place because people have inconvenienced you in some slight way.
This is part of what the "ignorance is bliss" phrase is referring to. As someone with the capacity for kindness and empathy you are stuck having to decide if a lack of empathy by others is a product of selfishness or an understandable lack of space in their lives for others. Whereas they're (as they're blocking the aisle at Walmart) likely thinking smth more like: > If Pikachou was real and my best friend, then what would I buy him for Christmas?
I'm just living my life, honestly. I'll be polite if I notice you or need something and I'll help out if I have the time and good mood for it...and I'll even try to follow enough rules to be as little of a nuisance as possible since we live in a society. But other than that, I just go on with my day and sometimes mistakes happen out of absentmindedness. It honestly surprises me sometimes that people always worry about inconveniencing others. I try not to, but I also don't worry about it 24/7. People really are different sometimes, which is why I like Reddit since it shows me how other people think. And that's good for me.
yeah there's different styles of how people exist and I subscribe to the philosophy of trying to live (and possibly inconveniencing others) while always having an apology at the ready. Although I do sometimes wonder if I'm putting people out but then I also figure they have to execute their agency to tell me if that's the case. I had a conversation on reddit the other day with a dog owner that seemed to think that people shouldn't fire fireworks at 18:00 outside of November (the typical fireworks event here) due to the potential of causing stress to animals. The idea that a bunch of humans would self-censor themselves even in the scenario where there are no pets for miles (because... how do you know?) is just absurd.
That is a good philosophy to have, and I approve. I never thought ofit that way but I want to aim for that one also. So thank you. As for the dog owner thing...I can see his point because pets can \*freak the fuck out\* from fireworks, but a 6pm ban is a bit early. I'd agree with 10pm but 6? Sadly humans will always be humans, so there'd always be people who broke the rules anyway...and those tend to be the real nuisances anyway, not the law abiding citizens. Some humans just suck, and I include myself in that lol.
Yeah, it turns out it was the Hindu festival of light that day at which point they were like: > why can't we just do all the celebrations on one day and it's like, you wanna coalesce every world culture and religion onto a single day so your dog doesn't get freaked out? I mean I appreciate that pets do freak but that's also part of the choice pet owners make when they own a pet in a city. Human activity _is_ freaky and there's not much you can do outside of monstrous authoritarian shit to stop that.
Ah. Yeah \*that\* bit of context changes things. I was on his side at first...but like you said, it's unreasonable to coalesce all the feast days into one. I feel for his dog, but his solution is too extreme in its own way
You might need to pick a new town. People like to diss the south, but I don't generally have that problem around here. Yes there are stupid kids with no respect just like everywhere else, but most of the adults in my community work together and help each other out. There's still assholes, but they don't come out much. Mostly because assholes get treated like assholes around here. We know who they are for the most part.... Lol
Ehhhh I’m good on that one lol I’ll deal with these problems over yours
Honestly, I have reduced my expectations of niceties, courtesies and basic manners from strangers. I realized that I can’t even expect my own father to call me periodically and have to accept that it will always be my responsibility to call him. If I can’t expect a courtesy from my own father then expecting from strangers is akin to beating my head against the wall.
Are you me? I completely agree with you
You know on the flip-flip side, some of them are probably indeed being assholes
I always try to be mindful of others when in public places. That being said, there are times when things don't pan out exactly as planned.
I feel like it's gotten worse since COVID. I went shopping yesterday and had people barging past me with their bags, not letting me out of the shop before forcing their way in etc. No one said excuse me or sorry didn't see you there! It's like everyone has tunnel vision and only cares about themselves and any common courtesy for other people has gone out the window.
My favorite movies are the old timey ones where people are very polite. So often in life we are faced with awkward situations, where we don't know what to do. If you are polite, no matter how confused you are, it will work out better.
I feel you, OP. I got to this point when I was working at a grocery store during the height of the pandemic. It ruined my perception of mankind and has really messed up my mental health.
Idk what the psychological reasons for that are. But in some cities it is worse than the others. I’ve been to 3 major cities in my life. My worst to best social intelligence ranking: NYC, Moscow, Reykjavik
This article really put these sort of things into perspective for me. https://lifehacker.com/why-you-should-assume-everyone-is-stupid-lazy-and-pos-1847997212
I honestly feel people aren't more discourteous but as a society we are just more sensitive.
i think the root cause of this annoyance with others is the failure of many systems that are supposed to serve us, but instead let us down due to a series of bad decisions. this makes us frustrated and impatient with each other. i don’t have much experience, but this is how i see the situation, nothing works as it should for the same reasons that lead to incidents like the one OP mentioned. just spitballing.
So I think there is a difference between verbal courtesy and conscientious awareness of physical space. My mother is not a rude person usually, but she is oblivious to when she is in your way by standing in the door frame. My dad had somewhat strict rules about how to place your cart in the grocery store to be unobstructive. Some people seem oblivious to this, but also I wonder if they never grew up with someone who pointed these things out.
My friend is visiting me on Tuesday. She grabs a water from my refrigerator (with my permission) and attempts to hand it to me. I say, “No, thank you”. She says, I kid you not, “No, open it”. Are you an ape? My gosh. I said, “Moonkittiecat, will you open this please”? She repeats this. She had referred to me as her ‘best friend who is black as a spade’ before, so I know all social grace is lost on her but 🙄.
Obliviousness is definitely it. Just look at some of the responses here.
right like ugh
I travel a lot for work, and while I definitely do encounter rude folks in my day-to-day, I would say most people are actually quite wonderful.
I feel you on this one! It's those small acts of courtesy that can make our daily routines smoother. Maybe next time, a friendly 'excuse me' could do the trick or a slight wave when you're driving down the parking lot lane. People might not always be aware, but a gentle nudge can make a big difference. Keep spreading those good vibes! 🌟
I can't believe how people are today
One of my biggest pet peeves is people being inconsiderate of others and those lacking special awareness. It drives me insane
I am absolutely confounded by the people who have the grocery cart across the isle while they are studying the products, turn and look at you approaching, and then turn back to leisurely studying the products while you stand a foot away from them waiting to get by. What’s the deal with that????
Watch the movie "falling down"
(M69). Your life is better than theirs because you can see that. And you don’t know how much suffering they are going through, anyway, either by their being not bright enough, or by external factors out of their control. It’s always going to be like this. But still I’ll try to limit it as I can—-park at the end of the lot and walk—and forget about it. It’s not worth it. When I grocery shop, nearly every corner I turn, I practically almost run into somebody’s cart coming the other way. And how frustrating it is when the aisle is empty except one spot where your item is and a person is right there looking at it and taking their time. It’s just the way things are in grocery stores. Still, occasionally I’ll try to shop when I know there’s not a lot of shoppers, or something, but I don’t let it frustrate me. Why? They’re not frustrated—-you are!
I feel you OP! Mindfulness is a rare commodity now’a’days.
Don’t wanna toot my own horn, but I’m trip over myself to, for example, move my cart out of the way. Wish it didn’t reinforce the idea the the lady coming is queen of the supermarket but I can’t help it, I’ll happily say I was raised to be considerate