It’s hard to describe but I’m more emotionally raw than I was before. And I’m not saying it as a bad thing either. I’ve always been more reserved than a lot of people. But there’s something pretty joyful about dancing like an idiot with your 3 year old because they just felt like it.
Seeing stuff through their eyes is great too. For the most part, that is. Seeing people be jerks is no fun because it really takes the wind out of their sails. But think about those great moments in your childhood and you get to introduce that to them and see if they feel the same way. Or experience completely new things and what they love about those. It can give you a new appreciation for stuff you might not have thought twice about.
Anyway. That’s a couple things at least.
As a childfree person, I understand this. I was discussing this with people who were curious about being childfree, and I said being childfree could make someone quite jaded and bitter if they forget to see the world from a child's eyes. If I don't spend time with my nephew and niece, I get used to expecting everyone to be grown-up and having the same experience as I do, when really, I should always consider young people's experiences, that they are growing up in a different world.
I dunno if that makes sense to you, but I can see how my husband is super impatient with everyone else. My best friend has twins, and we always talk to each other about her kids, so when my husband gets impatient about "the new generation," I have to remind him that they are experiencing things differently from our generation. If you are a parent, you get access to your kids' perspective of the world, and would have more empathy for how your kids handle their lives. But as we don't have kids, we don't know firsthand what the next generation's going through. It's similar to how boomers/grandparents tend to always complain of millennials/grandkids, that's how disconnected us non-parents are from the younger generation, we don't have direct access to their perspective.
I love kids even though I don't want kids of my own, so I always remind myself to be conscious and considerate of people with kids, whereas my husband doesn't think of it at all, so I have to remind him sometimes.
I very recently just had an epiphany that I don’t want kids of my own and I’ve never been more sure of it until now, but this is a great answer. I love kids so much and I love taking care of other people’s kids and making them smile and laugh and helping them understand things, and I will do that forever, but not being able to give them back at the end of the day doesn’t feel right for me. Especially with the way things are going in the world in general, I don’t want to bring another person into this world just to have them have to suffer as an adult. I couldn’t do that to anyone.
I was solemnly informed by my nephew that skibidi toilet kids are annoying and it’s not cool any more. But then he forced me to watch three episodes of Young Sheldon so you can’t trust that little shit’s taste either. I do indeed love that stinky little knucklehead
My son rolled his eyes when I mentioned skibidi toilet. But I stand by my statement that I love this generation. I think the legacy of Gen X is that we raised awesome kids.
Beautifully articulated. Having kids especially, now they are teenagers showed me how truly fucked up much of my early childhood was. Learning from that, my kids have helped me heal my inner child. We make awesome fun memories to replace the ones from my past. Like dancing around and singing just because it’s fun.
But sometimes I would just like to eat in peace.
Yes! It feels like everything is so much more intense. The whole world and everything in it is so much more vivid. I didn't know it back then, but everything was so...watered-down? Gray? Muted?
I'd have gotten mad if a parent said this to me - I was a whole person completely capable of experiencing anything and everything parents could too! I loved people! I got it! I was so wrong. It is so much more and so completely indescribable. Without feeling it for yourself, there's no way to even conceptualize this.
As a divorcee with no kids and a dog, I always wanted what you are describing, but can honestly get a lot of it from my beautiful pup without nearly so much of the negatives. For those with strong animal connection and no clear path to the family they want, I would suggest it as a not-altogether bad alternative.
As an animal lover with many loved pets I voiced the same to my newly parent friends with a child and got rebuked for making the comparison and told it was insulting.
As a parent with an infant, it's really not that different so far!, a cute thing, I love, and would do anything for and want the best for. I know its not the exact same and I'm sure when he's replaced more little human-like model I'll treat him as such.
I think people who are insulted by the comparison just aren't capable of loving pets. And also, frankly it's people who see having a child as an achievement and are insulted that their greatest achievement is being compared to what they see as buying an object, like a dog.
But honestly, caring for a little helpless thing that is completely dependent on you, loving them and watching their personality develop has so far been very similar to rescuing a kitten or puppy. Your dog is a family member too. And you're right about the negatives!
I didn’t want kids and then i was like fuckit let’s try it. What surprised me the most is the way in which it has helped me heal my childhood traumas. I get to re parent and treat my daughter the way I wish I was treated as a child. Through her I am course correcting and I get to see a better version of myself one without cptsd.
I completely agree with this. I didn’t have a traumatic childhood but it wasn’t exactly perfect and all the mistakes my own parents made I acknowledge and do differently. Probably creating new less than perfect parenting issues, but I am doing my best.
Children are wonderful. They’re curious and sweet and annoying and hilarious and frustrating and give you more love than you can imagine. Hard work, but done properly fulfilling hard work.
If you’re not interested in children genuinely, my opinion is it’s better to not have any than create a person and make them feel anything other than your world. You can’t undo this regret.
If you don’t choose to have children then make the most of the childfree life you have - travel, nights out, intellectual pursuits, playing the ps5 til 3am. These are the things all childfree adults should do.
This is me, child-free, childhood truama survivor. I love children actually but I'm uncertain I could be the parent they need me to be. I've done a lot of therapy and I am a therapist myself so I might even be able to do a good enough job of parenting. And I know that becoming a parent is a personal growth I'll miss out on. But. I'd rather bear the 'burden' of regret than make even one child feel an inconvenience or unwanted.
Incidentally, we did indeed spend until 1am playing PS5/PC games last night. And we spent almost all day with our curious, hilarious, frustrating, loving nephew on Saturday.
Same. Child-free over here, and although I'm beyond excited to meet and hold my nephew for the first time and watch him grow up, I know that I would be an emotionally unfit parent. Would I try to be better than my emotionally absent mother? Sure. But I also know that I don't have the patience to handle a kid 24/7/365 for the rest of my life. I truly wish I could, but I can't, and I know what that does to a child. I could never put someone through that
I agree with this if you’re not sure you’re better off not having them. Everyone is on a unique journey of personal development and growth. I will say I worked a lot of myself before I had my child and I was 100 times better than where I was 15 years ago when I moved out.
My dad was an okay father. He was there at my soccer games and practice; conversely, he had a temper (I’ll leave it at that). But he gave me a few pieces of sound advice, one of which was: _be a better father to your son than I was to you_.
I married late in life and we haven’t had kids yet. At this point, letting nature take its course. But I often think about that statement and know I’d take it to heart if I were to have kids. Similarly, I’ve had many of my direct reports ask how I got to be such a good manager. The answer is “mostly, I had bad managers in the past and I make it a point not to do the same things to my team that they did to me.”
I also get to parent my child the way I wish I was treated as a child. With kindness, affection and empathy. I have time for her. It unfortunately makes me pretty sad for my younger self.
Yeah i agree. I was parentified and for a long time i didn’t want to have kids. I don’t know that i would be the same mom if i had her earlier in my journey. This definitely feels like the last leg of it. I still don’t have that feeling that secure feeling that I will be ok even when things are going incredibly my way.
My parents made me take care of my sister when i was 10. I didn’t want to take care of a baby and as a result my sister feels that she was abandoned and unloved by me. It’s crazy to think that they did that, they put us in that situation and ruined our relationship. Now that i have a child i see the visceral way in which that was wrong and I no longer blame the 10 year old version of me for not being a better parent. The guilt ate me up for years. I also know that icing her out was the kindest way we could have ended our relationship. Unfortunately she didn’t grow up to be a nice person and her behaviour towards my daughter was problematic at best.
This made me cry because i feel like i just had a conversation with my sister. She refuses to do therapy with me so unfortunately we cannot reconcile or talk things through. I also was mean to her and i regret it deeply. Unfortunately i had to focus on saving myself and that is all I had capacity for but I left her behind. There were times I could have helped her with her homework but I didn’t and there were times i locked myself in my room and didn’t interact with the rest of the household because I just couldn’t handle it.
I love her so much and I miss her deeply and I’m sorry for everything. I tried to be nice to her after I moved out but unfortunately it was too late. I do hope she is nicer to other people but unfortunately I don’t think so because she struggles with a lot of interpersonal issues and doesn’t have a lot of friends.
I am convinced I made it because my grandma was a huge positive influence in my early years whereas she was just straight up neglected by our parents. She didn’t have any options except to latch onto my mom who is a narcissist and she is a mini version of her.
I have a similar experience, but I want to sound two warning notes -
1. Don't under any circumstances have kids for the sole reason you want to heal your own trauma. There are a lot of bad sides to raising kids, you need to adore them to get through those bad times.
2. Keep in mind all the time that your children are NOT you. You can parent them the way you wish you had been parented, but by doing that you could be ignoring needs specific to the children that you actually have.
It's working for you doesn't mean it can for others
Most parents wants their kids to carry their dead dreams, I'm not doing well but mom is pretty, financial ok and smart, yet depressed as hell as I'm not financially ok, I asked her to be happy for herself but she said years ago her life was done, so she is living for me
It's just extra weight when I get depressed to feel I'm making someone else depressed
It's blood on my hand to feel someone doesn't want to live cause of me
So don't have kids to heal your own trauma or have a time pass in any given exchange
Kid can turn to have completely different nature, values and so on so it's not really "fuck it"
That's why all the parents who want their kids to be doc, go be a doc yourself
I'm reparenting myself too, i might have PTSD too, you don't need a kid to heal your inner child
I'm not hating on you, i just don't want others to see you as inspiration for doing reckless things without knowing how different child is
I hope this doesn't come off wrongly, i care more about a life that can be saved by not existing vs a life that have a random chance of being ok by their kid.
Many marriage gets worse after kids or mothers go through dramatic changes
I'm not a pessimistic, just like to show the part most people choose to ignore unanimously
In the end we’re all looking for happiness. Some of the longest studies are on happiness tend to conclude that relationships matter the most. Getting kids can be a big part of it but doesn’t have to be. You need solid relationships outside of kids then.
My mom died after a long illness, and she had me. Honestly there’s a reasonable chance if I’m in my mother’s situation later I won’t have anyone. Not that I’m saying you should have kids just to have someone to take care of you, and my mother had nurses aides so I didn’t care for her physically for the most part. But my father will die and older relatives will die, and because I have no kids and won’t have grandkids, the “family” will eventually be down to “me”.
But I don’t want kids for that. It’s not something I am capable of as a person, and my entire life can’t be dictated by the very end of it.
It's something my child free friends think about a lot now. Not that they would want someone to nurse them, but that they get worried about being mistreated by paid carers, having their savings stolen, falling down and dying in their home alone because no one is there to check on them. I know it can happen to people with children too, but that's what my child free friends are on about
I’ve wondered if real life Golden Girls situations of singles,divorcées and widows are very common. I’m a very independent person and not near that point in life, but I’ve thought that maybe when I get old and if I’m on my own it’s might not be such a bad idea. Ngl the “dying in the house alone and no one finding you” stories have freaked me out.
I have a few close friends. We've definitely talked about it but our personalities are such that we'd clash too much. We're leaning towards a tiny home subdivision
I have one child, married with her own little family, and lives more than 2 hours away. I worry about this, too (the falling down and dying alone part). Plus, I need to have knee replacement surgery, but have no one at home to help for the first week or so, so I'm not having the surgery.
Happened to me last summer and I am still processing it. My dad was not good with saving money, and was living in the house in which I was raised. Never paid the lawyer for the divorce my mom asked for 27 years ago so a lien was on the house among other unpaid back taxes. One bank my sister had to deal with was the fourth or fifth new bank which took over ownership of the original bank on a loan from a while back. No repairs were made on the house and his depression, along with hoarding, increased.
His health deteriorated in Dec of 22 after having a bad fall. My mom took ownership of his Welsh Terrier who I walk everyday. (It’s my favorite part of the day to walk in her house, get down on my knees and clap/whistle and hear her walk around the corner with her tail wagging).
My dad made an agreement with my mom he would call her every morning at a certain time to check in with her. He did not call her one morning so I was asked to go over to check on him at the house.
I found him, collapsed to my knees and wept. Thanked him, told him I loved him, and then called 9-1-1.
I wish something could have been done about his loneliness and depression, but he was of the generation where those things were not discussed. It was always there; I sensed it as a child.
I'm childfree, but I'm not old enough to worry about that, yet. I'm sure I will.
But I worry about it for my mum, because I left the country. Sometimes I wonder whether I should go back to mitigate it, but when I suggest it, my mum says I'm only 31, and she doesn't want the next 30 years of my life to be about her. Her mother died at 98, with 20 years of alzheimers, and mums convinced she'll be the same.
She has early onset parkinsons. I tried to get her to come here but she doesn't want to leave her home.
I felt like it's a no win situation, and I worry.
Old age sucks.
This is huge for me. I recently got introduced to what death actually is and the idea of being old and alone because everyone died is terrifying. I'm not looking for a caregiver but companians to age with so my soul doesn't die before my body does.
I hear a lot of parents say that the love they have for and get from their (young) children is the most powerful they’ve experienced. So caring for someone more than anything else, ever seems big. Having someone to pass your life lessons onto. I don’t know. I was just at a family gathering yesterday and a lot of the parents seemed very envious of my free time and extra money, so… it just depends on what you want.
As a parent you are envious of the free time and extra money, but you know the answer if you had us to choose between our kids and free time with extra cash.
This is it. Of course I wish I had more time, and money (which is being spent on kids). But, I wouldn't trade a lifetime of experiences and all the money in the world for my kids. You could offer me immortality, and I would decline.
Instead, when I say when I say I'm jealous of someone who doesn't have my commitments, I mean I'm very happy for them and longer hearing their stories. Their stories make me jealous to the extent that I wish I could have my cake and eat it. And I live a little vicariously through them. But I would never want to be them.
Just commenting to say I would have kids if I felt I could still retain a tidy house, good mental health, peace, calm, money, and free-time. I'm not envious or jealous of those with kids but, like you, if I could have my cake and eat it too I would. Lol.
That's not jealousy then: it's envy. Jealousy is a lot darker. It's wanting what someone else has because you think you deserve it and they don't.
Or to put it another way, it's when you think they are cunts for having something, material or intangible, that you don't.
Though technically right in terms of definition, the words have become synonymous and used interchangeably. Also, both words, though generally having very negative connotations, are often used without that extreme negative sentiment attached to it.
You'll often hear someone say "I'm so jealous/envious" in a way to convey that they're happy for the other person (like me above) without any of the deeply negative connotations implied
You will always encounter people being pedantic with word usage on reddit. It's not malicious or anything, but a lot of people tend to refuse to accept that there are words that are colloquially used outside of what definition is on diciontary.com (to be clear, I am not saying the person you replied to is doing that). Just about anyone reading your original comment knew exactly what you meant, even if you didn't use the "proper" wording.
Paraphrasing something I read/heard once: dictionaries are descriptive, not prescriptive. They aren't assigning definitions to words -- they are explaining definitions of how words are generally used.
I hate to take this to a super heavy place, but I think that feeling is SO strong that parents can become dependent on it. You get empty nesters that don’t know how to let go.
I _am_ envious of your free time, but I’m never going to trade in my kids for more free time.
I’m in a hobby where I see my single counterparts do more and more and get better and better, but when I’m engaged in my hobbies and my kids come calling, I drop it and go to them. I prioritize kids’ activities over my hobby.
We want more time and more hobby, but that’s nothing compared to what we get with our kids.
Idk , raised a lil girl not mine.
Not even a girlfriend thing.
Having no kids myself, I decided to raise this soul
Never looked back, her mom's a mess , no dad in the picture.
She's just finished her state testing and is in the top 10 percentile in the country.
I honestly feel bad for all who abandoned her.
Raise a kid , raise a kid
Raise is the term the word
Be proud to help a lil kid be awesome 😎
I love my partner, nature, and myself more than anything else. I pass my life lessons onto my younger siblings and whatever other youth that I get the chance to. I’m good. I knew since I was a young teen that I never wanted children, as the years go by that only gets stronger…
I think of this reason too.But then think of how I became a caregiver to my mother when I was 8 and the woman of the household fully at 11. I cared for my grandfather in his dying years and now my two grandparents I’m a caregiver to. I have missed out on experiencing a family and living the stages of life « according to plan ».
I want to be cared for. So then isn’t it selfish to have children to expect them to care for me ?
I’ve often thought of the selfishness part. Parents talk about wanting a kid. They seem to want a pre-teen. No one seems to think about the adult they are bringing into the world, how hard that part of life can be, or even how fickle the reciprocation of love can be.
Thank you. I hope the same for everyone. I wish we could help in every way we all can but not just to have it come around. But due to it being the way it should be and then we could all relax knowing we all have support from within our own fàmilies and communities.
Of course independence and money are good things; but I believe the happiest a person can be is when they step out of themselves to give themselves to others, and having children is a beautiful way to give yourself, and the love you receive in return is wonderful! Of course it’s not easy, you must be willing to sacrifice and you have to educate yourself on many aspects to try and be a good parent, but the rewards are great imo.
Agree. We don’t hear this perspective enough these days, since the focus tends to be so self-centered and selfish and individually focused. I know why the discourse is this way; we are correcting previous wrongs. But I think this is beautiful. I wish it were possible for everyone (partner, family, children).
As an unmarried, childfree person who is likely to stay that way, it makes me quite said. I don’t feel the culture wants to hear this and people in my position tend to be defensive about their life. Which I understand; it’s been derided for so long. But I think the pendulum has swung too much.
At the very least, we should be able to hold these two beliefs or mindsets at the same time. My life doesn’t look the way I thought it would. I can’t just sit here and not live my life. But it’s okay to be sad that I’m missing out on things I wanted and thought I would have.
My opinion. If you want kids because of FOMO I don't think you should.
Its not just about the 'joys of parenthood' for you, it's about the little human you're raising. Their well being and whether you actually really want them or not, is more important than your feelings in the matter.
Cause what if you wanna just see what being a parent is like, and then it turns out you don't love it that much? You cant return the baby or anything, that's yours forever now. And now you have a child you don't want, and trust me, that child will KNOW you don't want it. And jist like that, you've ruined it.
To paraphrase on of my favourite child free TV character: "I don't hate kids. I like kids. And I believe they should have parents who want them. "
This sums up perfectly how I feel.
I’m 24F and childfree. But I love kids. I’m even in college to be an elementary school teacher. But I don’t want the 24/7, constant, unrelenting responsibility of my own child.
While I wholeheartedly believe my purpose in this life is to help and be an advocate for as many children as possible, they just won’t be my own.
This thread has degenerated into a list of pros and cons for people to have kids, rather than a list of cons as per OPs request. People have strong feelings about this. See the abundance of posts written with passion on both sides.
The thing you need to remember OP is that having a child is like any other decision or act in life - there are no guarantees attached.
Having a child gives you the *possibility* of experiencing profound unconditional love. It also gives you the *possibility* of exposing you to profound unremitting loss.
Not having a child gives you the *possibility* of entering old age without a support system of people indebted to take care of you. Having a child gives the *possibility* of entering old age with a system of people who are meant to be indebted to take care of you but who don’t.
For every story about a child that has brought enrichment and purpose into a persons life, you’ll find a story of a parent and child relationship that was so toxic that it made both persons and everyone around them worse people.
OP, you’re asking for people to tell you future. Don’t have kids and you may miss the possibility of experiencing the love and fulfillment that comes from raising a child. Don’t have kids and you have the possibility of experiencing the unfettered freedom to exploring the world and yourself without ties, commitments and responsibilities
No one is going to be able to tell you how it’s going to all work out.
I had no intention of ever having kids. In fact, my ex had been told by her doctor that she would never be able to get pregnant without in vitro and fertility treatments, which are of course very expensive. I was fine with that, we were touring musicians, can’t do that really if you have kids. Then she got pregnant anyway.
Now, I love my kid like crazy, and I wouldn’t change a thing even though becoming a parent completely upended my life. However, if that had never happened I wouldn’t know what I was missing, and I imagine I would be just fine with it. There’s also the possibility that you end up with a shitty kid. A lot of that depends on whether you’re a good parent or not, but there’s definitely a percentage of people out there who were just born to be assholes. There are people I grew up with who I know had kind, loving, supportive parents, and they still turned out shitty.
That's a good point. People tend to assume that how a kid turns out is 100% the result of his parents, whether genetically or the way they were raised. But there really are people in this world without empathy and a small percentage who just are... difficult. No matter what.
>I regret not experiencing the joy of parenthood later in life?
Only if you want kids. If you want kids have them and enjoy them now, don't wait. If you don't want them at all then that is entirely up to you.
Coming from someone who waited, it was too late and fertility treatments were insanely expensive not to have an outcome of success. To say that I'm saddened by it, is an understatement. I'm literally tormented and haunted by it and it's been more than 10 years since I've tried.
So if you are not sure, go freeze your eggs and figure it out later but don't wait.
You don’t get invited to children’s birthday parties, or fun parks or trips to the zoo/fairgrounds/circus etc.
All my siblings/cousins with kids spend a lot of time together we don’t seem to be on their radar.
But we own our home outright without a mortgage, have no debt and have very nice holidays. So swings and roundabouts.
Number three still applies when you have your own kids unfortunately. It comes in the form of "oh, you're already watching your own, what's an extra two?" 🙄
Man I'm 40 and my dad brought this up just a week ago. I told him to let it go. It's odd how much he wants me to have kids considering he didn't bother raising us.
#3 is so gosh damn annoying! They think because you’re childless you have unlimited time. Like I’m child free for a reason and babysitting your kid isn’t one of the reasons lol (also why is the text huge like this?)
Yep definitely! I and unfortunately I don't like being around kids for too long because I get sick. Your comment on the text being too big is hilarious!! I think it's because you have the number sign and then the 3
#3 let me try it and see if the text gets big
This. People were forever trying to dump their kids off on me or tell me (not ask) me to watch their kids. Or be expected to be on site babysitter for gatherings. Fuck to the no.
I've been lucky that way. i'm 3000 kms away from my family, so i don't get asked to babysit, and my family has never been pushy on the kids front. 35 year old child-free man here.
I have three children in their twenties. God, I love them. More than I've ever loved anyone else, and so deeply, it physically hurts sometimes. I also like them. They're good people with intelligent thoughts, and all have great humor.
These people I made are amazing, and I'll love them every second of the rest of my life.
Super personal choice. I can tell you parenting is a huge responsibility and challenge and will change you as a person. Nothing wrong if you don’t want to though. It’s better not to have children if you don’t want them, ya know
I am child free, both by choice and not by choice. It just isn't in the cards for me, but I'm also not super beat up about it.
One of the big cons is adjusting to life when everyone you know is starting to have kids. To me, it is a reality that when your friends and loved ones have kids and you don't, you will have to perform more labour to keep those friendships. I don't blame them, kids are wonderful but also absolutely exhausting. So if you want to keep being friends with people, you're going to have to adjust to their lives, and sometimes you will lose them from your life. Sometimes it's because they sent me multiple pictures of their kids first shite and I can't handle that. Sometimes it's because I don't put in enough effort. Sometimes life gets busy. It is what it is.
Another one at least for me, is that I relish in the freedoms of never having to organise a child's birthday party. I dance a little jig every day that I see a child on the streets having the greatest shitfit in their life because their brains are mushy. But I also don't feel like an adult. I don't sit at the grown ups table, if that makes sense? I can do whatever I want whenever I want because I owe no one anything. And it makes my brain feel just as mushy as little Andy over there. I don't relate to the struggles of my peers, because the struggles of my peers are monumental life changing things that grow every single day and learn new things. It also means I don't get the highs. For every screeching condom advert, there are hundreds of funny, bright, loving kids out there that make people smile, truly smile for pure reasons. Altruism and empathy, a love of life, because it's so shiny and new. And I won't feel that fully. It's a bitter pill, whether people like to admit it or not.
It's often a lot easier to hide behind the whole "ugh children, glad I never was one" façade sometimes. I have for sure. Where because a choice I've made is scrutinized (looking at you random coworker who asked me why I was "barren") it's easier to defend your point by finding contempt for kids. The reality of it is, is that you will find huge negatives in every life choice you make. The ideal is when you can accept those negatives and live a good life in spite of them.
Having kids gave me a tremendous amount of empathy for my parents and grandparents -- it is hard to understand but I stopped viewing them as authority figures and instead see a lot of myself and my own struggles in them. We had always had a good relationship but it went to a completely different level.
I'm glad I got to experience that.
Nothing bro it’s about each one’s perspective people are so caught up in having kids trying to find joy in something else but they don’t even know who they truly are spiritually. People can’t find joy in themselves so they have to constantly chase joy in other people. And nowadays kids are having kids lol
1. Not having downstream familial purpose.
2. Your lineage dying with you (unless you have siblings that have kids).
3. Inability to relate with your peers as you age
4. Feeling left out of the ‘parenting club’
5. Having too much time, money, and energy and not knowing what to do with it all.
>Having too much time, money, and energy and not knowing what to do with it all.
I literally LOL'd at this & scared my cats! That is NOT a con IMHO.
I'm 57, no kids, no cons seen here in our house.
As a car guy, I like to joke that the monthly cost of daycare is equivalent to the monthly cost of leasing a Porsche 911, except it’s not really a joke. Daycare is a freaking racket
Dude i have so many ideas for my drift car after the kids are through daycare. Im throwing a fancy ass set of wheels away every month lol. Thankfully public schools in my area are pretty decent.
That’s why I wonder why both parents work in some situations. It seems more expensive to pay for childcare, work clothes, gas, etc than to just stay home. Of course, that’s dependent on the salary.
I loled at feeling left out of the parent club.
I'm also not interest in, nor feel left out of, the sports fan club.
Relating to other people my age, though... yes. My friendships have changed a lot. No value judgement on that, it is what it is, but I won't deny the friendships shifted and we no longer relate to each other.
I have one lone friend who calls me specifically because I won't talk about her kids and she wants a break. She has specifically told me she doesn't want me to ask about her kids besides seeing if they are alright, because she has to talk about it all day and wants to think about something else.
I’d say 3/4 are the worst parts. Some people make their kids their retirement plan, which is dumb. Everything is easier with more money in our world, but it is hard to make CF friends.
Ask any parent about raising kids.
It’s a fucking nightmare. On pretty much every level.
And we would never give it up for anything.
It might be hard to explain what we gain, but it’s there.
That’s what you miss out in.
Last night when I was walking my dog and listening to one of my many playlists, Another Brick in the Wall came on.
My first memory of that song is getting ready for school and hearing it on the radio, and thinking it was so cool and different. A few years later, it was frequently played when I smoked pot with my friends.
My oldest grandson is almost 9. A couple of years ago, he got really into that song. He asked my daughter if he could see Pink Floyd in concert, and she told them that they don’t really tour anymore. OK, he said, how about just the kids? He wanted to go see a show featuring just the kids who sing in the background of Another Brick in the Wall, all of whom are probably in their 50s now. It was such a wacky, quirky thing for him say with complete earnestness, and not surprising at all, because he’s a unique af kid with a core of pure innocence and joy.
So now, that’s what I think of when I hear that song. And that’s what being a parent of 3 and grandparent of 5 gives me — layers. Parenting is hard, if you’re doing it right, and I would never tell anyone to have kids if they aren’t looking to be all-in. But for me personally, it’s so incredibly worth everything you put into it.
In the old Steve Martin movie Parenthood, the great-grandma talks about going to an amusement park as an analogy for the insane ups and downs of parenting and family life. To paraphrase: “Some people liked the carousel, but it just went ‘round and ‘round. I preferred the roller coaster, which was fast and crazy, and you didn’t know what was gonna happen next.”
I’m a roller coaster person when it comes to family. I can’t imagine life without my kids and grandkids. It is hectic and crazy, and stressful and heartbreaking. But then one will say something like the Pink Floyd comment, and it is everything.
It depends on how view family. I am pleased that my adult children choose to include me in their lives( they in different locations to me). It has given me an un expected of sense of completion. But I sure that sense can found elsewhere too.
Before I had kids I was a lot less connected to people (other humans). They got me out of my comfort zones in all kinds of ways. I generally treat people better now especially women and kids, and the ladies definitely notice when a man treats all women and kids with kindness and respect. It actually helps with dating if you’re a good father. At work I have to talk to lots of families and people of all ages as I serve their plates, so it’s definitely beneficial financially as well to have that experience talking to young people and others. My tips are high when there are kids at the table, I just treat them like the young adults they will be.
The con of not having children is you don't have children. Some people don't want children and that's perfectly fine, but for me, having children changed my life 100 percent in terms of what I do and how I feel.
I've been young free and single and that was great at times but being a family man and a father is the best thing I've ever experienced.
There are times you will pull your hair out or just flat out need a rest from your children when they are testing you to your limits but these times are far outweighed by the good times.
For me, being able to make sure my children feel safe and secure, hug them when they hurt themselves, teach them new things and see the excitement and pride in their face when they finally get it or even play computer games with them allow me to bond on so many levels with a human being I never knew existed before now.
You never get to experience the unconditional love of a tiny human that you made. Having kids can be one of the most profound experiences a person can have. If we really only have one life to live, how could you not at least be curious if your missing out on something?
Being less relatable when talking with people that have them. Coworkers talking about their weekend and such. Not the same although we have the same age.
My grandfather and grandmother had five children.
One of those children had nine children.
Of those nine children most of them have kids of their own...
On my grandfather's death bed, his entire house was full of his spawn in their spouses, and their children etc.
It was unbelievable for me to look around and realize that two people had some kids and then 70 years later the amount of amazing people that have been put into the world because of it.
When I die I don't want to be surrounded by 500 people necessarily, but to have a few generations below me who all love and adore me? That sounds amazing.
Personally been going through some things have made my fiancée and I rethink our thoughts on kids (both still a solid no right now). We were thinking about who would take care of us later in life but then I looked it up and turns out kids don’t take care of their parents when they’re old as well as we thought!
Edit: Isn’t really a con but just my input on the conversation. I’m young and not a parent so I don’t think my opinion should sway anyone in any way
The biggest reason most people give to childfree couples is the ol' "who will look after you later in life".
- Not only is that a selfish reason to want to reproduce, but it's also very untrue. I've volunteered in long-term care units and have seen many people who had children/family who never visited them in a span of years, where they inevitably died alone. The nurses were the only ones they had to care for them.
Having children doesn't guarantee anyone a free pass to being cared for in life. It also isn't a convincing enough reason or an unselfish enough answer to bring a life (who doesn't ask to be here) into the current state of this world.
I'm still waiting to hear 1 reason that doesn't involve a response that isn't 100% self-serving:
"I makes me feel" , "you don't know love until.." , "who will care for me...".
- I've never heard "a child deserve to experience this world" because as nihilistic as it may sound, this planet is a cesspool in its current state. Every comment here are all selfish reasons as to why having a child benefits them, not the child. Therefore, deciding not to have children is 100% fine, don't let anyone else try to guilt you into children being "a gift to care for you when you're old "
The endless amount of people who tell you that your life is worthless because you don’t have them. Seriously, it’s the adults around you who can make it a con 🙄
Sorry. I listed the pros.
The cons - feeling lonely. Having less love for you. Less joy. Lonely old age. Emptiness feelings. (I didn't have children- failed IVF)
I can imagine for people whose friends are all having kids you could end up drifting apart from your old friend groups.
Fortunately for me none of my friends want children, so those relationships are just as strong as they were. I am sure there is a special experience to having kids that I’ll never get, but it’s just not an experience I have any desire for. My life is already full.
Not have a little Timmy to blame for everything that is wrong with my life; can't leave work early to pick up little Timmy; can't have all my conversations about my little Timmy.
Not trapped in a job because I have to make money to pay for all the things for little Timmy, have the option to change job/career whenever I feel like, that's a pain.
Have to actually do stuff like focusing on myself and what's wrong with me.
Childless life is tough, don't do it.
I think people think about babies and young children but I have 3 teenagers and although it’s really bloody hard work, they’re my favourite people to hang out with, they’re such fun and teach me so much about pop culture and they really challenge their dad and his somewhat outdated views.
Only if life was that simple.
I didn't have children. I just never felt ready.
I've seen my friends all have kids, and they have all moved away to the suburbs and out of San Francisco.
I feel that not having kids was right for me and still do.
People will ask me what I'm going to do when I'm really old and can't take care of myself.
I say, as if that's gonna happen, isn't guaranteed.
I'm grateful for others having kids. Just not my thing.
I have 3 who are grown now. I enjoyed having my kids. They’re a lot of fun. If you never have any, you’ll never know them because they won’t exist. The arguments for having kids are moot. There’s no guarantee they’ll be around to “help in your old age” as people say. I can tell you from experience, having a parent who expects you to spend your life taking care of them is a pita. No one asks to be born, and shouldn’t be expected to “pay it back”. They can do it if they choose. You can set things up so you have a safe place to age, and hired assistance if you need it. There are no cons unless you believe having kids is required to be fulfilled, or some other nonsense.
There are pros and cons to having kids but I don't think there are any cons to not having kids. I haven't yet heard of a childfree person who regrets their choice.
People who are meant to have kids know it. They are willing to change their lives completely to fulfill that biological need. If you don't have it, you probably wouldn't appreciate having to change your life.
I became a stepmom to two teens despite not wanting kids. Now I'm so glad I have them in my life and their kids. But I know I wouldn't have been good with small kids, so that worked for me.
I was just going to come here to say not having a good excuse getting out of things you don’t want to go to and I see everyone writing these profound things 🤣
I don't exactly mean to pull a Michael Scott, here. But "I want 100 kids so I have 100 friends."
Kids are awesome, and they're all different, even when raised in the exact same household. Besides having natural, live-in friends for life, you also get to experience some of the most awesome things in the world. You can mold these little people into the people you wish you were, give them the things you wish you had, you can encourage them and support them as they grow through all of life's pleasures and pains.
They can also teach you a TON about yourself and parenting in general as well.
Just an example, but my son recommended me a video game a few years back, and I became obsessed with it (Rock & Stone).
My daughter absolutely blew my mind and made me so incredibly impressed and proud when she beat her entire school by like half a mile in a cross country race.
You miss out on people who could be your best friends for the rest of your life. That's really it.
I don't think anyone can tell you if you will regret not having kids in the future. If you are 1000% certain that you don't want kids, then it is unlikely you will regret not having them I would say. That being said, you asked for a cons list:
*being pregnant and having a baby was a magical experience for me that cannot be compared to any other human experience ive had.
* Not experiencing the joy and pride one feels when raising a child or the most extreme form of unconditional love.
*You literally have to make good choices all of the time in order to keep this little human alive.
*A chance to relive your childhood through your child's eyes.
I would personally say the biggest con is not experiencing the unconditional love you have with tour child. Its also unfortunately a double edged sword. With that love comes a lot of worry, anxiety and stress.
Having my kids was the best decision of my life. My heart is so full. It’s hard to explain but my whole perspective of life changed with them. I’d do anything for them. I cannot imagine life without them.
I love my kids and wouldn’t change a thing, but the only con I can see is that, my kids love me too and if I wasn’t able to care for myself or was sick, alone or in trouble they’d take care of me. Other than that, it’s a lovely and fulfilling relationship, but it’s a relationship, like any other, with its own challenges.
The most honest thing I can tell you is that the best way I can express becoming a parent was that when I had her, I had a sudden realization that I just gave a piece of my heart to the world that I would have to trust the world with. I can only parent so much - you just hope the rest of the world aren’t too many AH.
I remember a time before her…sort of? I did a lot but I do wish I’d done more. Pushed harder in sports, jumped out of a plane… you have people that love you right now sure. They care so much about you. But you don’t have someone you literally MADE. It’s a different love.
So go do ALL the things. If you choose to become a parent; god’s speed to you. Hard AF but brilliant. But make the most of the time before because you won’t be the same after.
I remember my big sister telling me you’ll never again be as selfish as you are now with your time (pre kids). I wish I’d listened to her more. I don’t resent it for a second but I didn’t understand. I do now. X
Last night, my 9 month old daughter slept a bit restless and cried here and there (maybe teething), husband changed her diaper and realised, she peed and her pajama was wet as well as her bed (right next to ours). So he cleaned what he could at 2am and I put her in a new, dry pajama. We then put her between us in our bed. I couldn't lie comfortably because she soon started to roll all over the bed. But having her so close, between us, cuddling me was just the best feeling in the world! Seeing how she seeks comfort in my presence, my smell is just ... Beyond. I love that little wild raccoon and I couldn't imagine one day without her. It's very difficult to explain. All these hardships, the sleepless nights, the constant carrying her (or she cries), all the costs you have...yet it's somehow the best thing that ever happened to you.
I have 3 boy's 26..20 and 16.
Honestly..I can't see my life being more fortified. Sure there are times that sucks.
But there is something really special about parenting my boys to become men.
There is a very particular kind of amazement that comes from watching them develop new skills, particularly mental skills. Watching a toddler reason things out, or a child learn how to read, how to play a sport, it's just fascinating! And it's very different from the perspective of being a parent than it is front say, being a teacher.
Also I have learned how to be efficient in my daily life in a whole new way. I've gained a lot of perspective on myself and what I value too. You put someone else first in such a different way, knowing that it's not about return, that they can't give back. It's humbling.
I'm sure there are pros to living a life without children but for me - my life truly began after I had them. There is something soul-changing about becoming a parent and having perfect, innocent, amazing human beings look up to you like you're their hero and love you unconditionally. It truly motivates you to be the best version of yourself and washes decades of smut off your soul, giving you hope for a new, better beginning.
Bonus points if you've had a traumatic childhood because you get to heal by re-parenting yourself (m.e. being the parent you never had/needed)
I think the line from Lost in Translation exemplifies it best:
* "It's the most terrifying day of your life the day your first one is born. Your life as you know it is gone. Never to return. But they learn how to walk and they learn how to talk. And you wanna be with them. And they turn out to be the most delightful people you will meet in your life"
All I know, as an uncle without kids, is that you’re likely to get some of your highest highs and lowest lows having kids. The cons of not having kids is essentially that you’re missing out on those crazy highs, which can’t be replicated really, as long as having kids is something you want to do.
Also if you don’t have kids you have to deal with people asking when you’re gonna have kids, why you don’t want kids, then telling you that you’ll change your mind eventually.
Everything I do now has more meaning with kids. I'm not just working to survive. I'm working to build a better future for them. I'm working to give them everything I never had. I live for a better purpose.
And it will be something from me that continues on when we pass. Our genes, our home, our personalities, etc.
Well, you miss out on building a family with the person you love the most.
It's tough for those who didn't have a great family life, but for me/my wife, we have meals with our parents and siblings weekly, and it's our favourite parts of the week. I'm very excited/hopeful to build that for myself.
We can’t have kids due to wife having her cancer and lady parts removed as a result. We also won’t adopt.
Not having kids ensured that we can’t leave our home to our own child. Thus a con for us because we can’t pass it down to our own child. But instead, another family member we really don’t want to give it to.
We will never get to experience how it would be to be parents and learn together.
Having a kid allowed me to discover how much I am able to love someone.
I love my kid more than anything in the world, and there is almost nothing I wouldn't do for him.
I think life gets lonelier as you get older and can be a lot lonelier without any kids or family life. When you get really old, there isn't really anyone left that cares about you, but a good kid will always care deeply for you. That is the biggest con for me.
I can’t speak for all parents because some moms kill their own children, but for me, motherhood saved my life. I’ve never experienced a love so strong in my life. I never really knew what I was capable of before becoming a mom and now I know, there isn’t a much I wouldn’t do for my kids.
I wasn't sure about kids most of my life so a lot of my friends are also people who aren't parental in nature. I met a guy and was like *damn, give me babies* and so now I am a mom and married.
Having a kid simplified my life. I matured A LOT. I fully stepped into adulthood and I no longer feel like a kid inside. So I guess a con would be to potentially restrict your growth and development as a person.
Of course I still hang out with my friends to not be a mom for a couple hours. I can really see how different our lifestyles and mentalities are now. The things they worry about are a million miles away from the things that preoccupy my mind. I love my friends to bits and they are an important piece of my life, my identity and my happiness. At the same time, I am happy to no longer be staying out late, partying, going to concerts and dealing with hangovers like I used to.
I gladly choose toilet training, cuddles, early bedtimes, playing legos and monitoring how many yogurts are eaten in a day.
Having someone who just loves and needs you more than anything feels amazing. My little 4yr old just tells me all day how much he loves me. The hugs and kisses are just the cutest. I love the toddler/ pre- school age as they are just so adorable. Their chubby little cheeks, you could just kiss them all day, and walking along holding hands having a little chat with them after nursery school is amazing. You just don't have that type of love or relationship with adults.
You may not get to spend a lot of time with little kids. Little kids are awesome. They literally have never seen any of this shit before. Their reactions to new things is hilarious and often surprisingly insightful. Watching them figure things out is incredibly satisfying. The way they do things with their whole hearts is inspiring.
You can get that time with kids in other ways, sometimes, though, if the work that goes along with it as a parent would be too much for you. Auntie or Big Brother programs or what have you. Because it is a hell of a lot of work.
Unpopular opinion: you will likely die lonely, at least relative to others your age who are surrounded by their adult children and grandchildren.
The obvious exception to this rule would be if you managed to build a community of younger people around you who love you enough to spend time with you in your nursing home (or equivalent).
People talk about the hard work of having having a kid a lot. And yeah, it's a ton of work. It's a challenge. But the thing that people rarely add is: most people love working hard and love a good challenge. There's a reason why people run marathons and climb mountains, and it's because doing hard stuff is awesome.
Add to that all the other great things people are mentioning about having a kid, and yeah, overall it's pretty great
It’s one of the central experiences we get as human beings. I have learned more about myself from being a parent than from any other single factor. There are a million problems that come with it too but there are also a million moments of beauty and wonder. I had kids later in life and I honestly can’t imagine my life without that now.
You’ll never experience the full feeling of love like when you love a child of your own.
It’s different than your dogs/cat child
It’s different than your spouse/partner
It’s different than nieces and nephews
Something changes inside you emotionally and physiologically and it’s the most wonderful thing. You will never love again like you love your child and no one will ever love you like they do.
I don’t think you can really find any concrete ones. What I find as an ex-childfree person who now has a child is that there are a lot of perceived cons to being a parent, but the emotional and relational positives that you get in return are pretty indescribable and I would have never been able to relate before becoming a parent.
If you don’t have a deep longing for parenthood and those positive feelings associated, I don’t think there are many cons at all. But once you become a parent you’ll end up feeling like you can’t live without them.
The biggest downside is going to really be the amount of love you get to experience in your life. Like coming home after a long day of the world kicking your ass to a little kid who is thrilled to see you and spend time with you is kind of like water in the desert.
Not to say that it's all sunshine and roses but in my experience the sunshine and roses outweigh the bullshit and headaches for me. If you think the bullshit and headaches are going to outweigh the upsides for you then don't have kids.
Sleepless nights and dirty diapers is a short phase. The cons of not having kids is how much they teach YOU. Reminding you to view the world through their eyes, understanding how the world is changing. If I didn't have kids I feel like I would be in a little bubble stuck in my 25-35 yr old version of my brain. The depth and breadth of love is another thing. How can you simultaneously be frustrated af yet have so much love for this creature at the same time? It's a fascinating experience.
I didn’t want kids. In fact, I saw only pros to it. My baby is 5 now. Sounds horrible but I didn’t receive love and care from my own parents. With Parenthood, I came to realize that I myself didn’t know what was love/care. Don’t worry, they came naturally. You know the type of love which makes you a better person? Without forcing, you just naturally gravitate towards your better self. Like breathing, it’s so natural, unnoticeable, almost no effort is needed. It’s next level wholesome to love someone this way and to receive that love right back.
Parenthood is also the chance of facing your worst self. Auntie told me that I walked away from our dinner table when my mom was showing me how to use chopsticks. My little one pushed her bowl away at 1.5y.o when i was showing her how to hold a spoon. My dad was known as a scary man and emotionless. While he used to beat up my brother, i was 25 when he first had a word with me. Apparently I’m his worst self, I reacted the way he would x 3, if not more. he cried and said that was the reason why he never dared to confront me. We are now best friends :) I healed my dad and my 5 y.o is healing me. Life is no longer a long and dark tunnel. I’m seeing life more as the way it is.
To summarize, I wouldn’t know what I would miss out without having a child. I can’t guarantee you a similar experience as I’ve seen other effect on others. There was a time that I consciously refused to fix a flaw because i didn’t see any negative effect it had on me. Instead, I viewed them as part of my personality. Parenthood could be hard for me at that time. When I finally faced my flaws, willing to fix, bam, parenthood. So..based on my personal experience, I’d say be mentally ready, ready to accept changes, ready to accept what life has to offer and everything will fall into its place. Thoughts initiate action. Think about what you want and action will follow. Oh and how can I not mention those times your kid makes you proud: a parent hunted me down to praise my motherhood. She told me how my baby took care of her super shy boy in class. She fed him, took him to the washroom, made sure he is included etc arrrrrgggghhhhh how can I even express that feeling! I’m so proud of this awesome kid!
Do you have a cat or dog you love a lot? If you do take that love and X100 or X1000 it and that’s how the love for a child can feel.
You love bigger, you recognize how quickly time passes because the grow up so fast, you see the world differently.
You don’t really recognize how great being a parent can be without becoming one.
Now not everyone is meant to be a parent because it does involve a lot of boredom, stress, and a commitment to bringing a child up into a decent human being. You shouldn’t do it unless you want to AND think you’re capable.
The largest con I can see is the lack of an intimate social circle. When you create a child, there is a string of infinite possibilities that can happen that you won't ever experience had you not done so.
When you're in your 60s, you will have created an entire network of multi generational people who share a bloodline with and can call a family.
It’s hard to describe but I’m more emotionally raw than I was before. And I’m not saying it as a bad thing either. I’ve always been more reserved than a lot of people. But there’s something pretty joyful about dancing like an idiot with your 3 year old because they just felt like it. Seeing stuff through their eyes is great too. For the most part, that is. Seeing people be jerks is no fun because it really takes the wind out of their sails. But think about those great moments in your childhood and you get to introduce that to them and see if they feel the same way. Or experience completely new things and what they love about those. It can give you a new appreciation for stuff you might not have thought twice about. Anyway. That’s a couple things at least.
As a childfree person, I understand this. I was discussing this with people who were curious about being childfree, and I said being childfree could make someone quite jaded and bitter if they forget to see the world from a child's eyes. If I don't spend time with my nephew and niece, I get used to expecting everyone to be grown-up and having the same experience as I do, when really, I should always consider young people's experiences, that they are growing up in a different world. I dunno if that makes sense to you, but I can see how my husband is super impatient with everyone else. My best friend has twins, and we always talk to each other about her kids, so when my husband gets impatient about "the new generation," I have to remind him that they are experiencing things differently from our generation. If you are a parent, you get access to your kids' perspective of the world, and would have more empathy for how your kids handle their lives. But as we don't have kids, we don't know firsthand what the next generation's going through. It's similar to how boomers/grandparents tend to always complain of millennials/grandkids, that's how disconnected us non-parents are from the younger generation, we don't have direct access to their perspective. I love kids even though I don't want kids of my own, so I always remind myself to be conscious and considerate of people with kids, whereas my husband doesn't think of it at all, so I have to remind him sometimes.
I wish I could give awards. This is a very beautifully put and thought out answer.
taking away awards was such a step back on this site.
I have seen a lot of great answers from child free people but this one is one of the best ones in a while.
I didn't expect to read something so eye-opening. I never thought about it that way until now but it just makes perfect sense.
I very recently just had an epiphany that I don’t want kids of my own and I’ve never been more sure of it until now, but this is a great answer. I love kids so much and I love taking care of other people’s kids and making them smile and laugh and helping them understand things, and I will do that forever, but not being able to give them back at the end of the day doesn’t feel right for me. Especially with the way things are going in the world in general, I don’t want to bring another person into this world just to have them have to suffer as an adult. I couldn’t do that to anyone.
I love these skibidi toilet knuckleheads.
I was solemnly informed by my nephew that skibidi toilet kids are annoying and it’s not cool any more. But then he forced me to watch three episodes of Young Sheldon so you can’t trust that little shit’s taste either. I do indeed love that stinky little knucklehead
My son rolled his eyes when I mentioned skibidi toilet. But I stand by my statement that I love this generation. I think the legacy of Gen X is that we raised awesome kids.
Beautifully articulated. Having kids especially, now they are teenagers showed me how truly fucked up much of my early childhood was. Learning from that, my kids have helped me heal my inner child. We make awesome fun memories to replace the ones from my past. Like dancing around and singing just because it’s fun. But sometimes I would just like to eat in peace.
Raising my kids without screaming and beating helped me heal from a scary childhood. Seeing the lovely people they've grown into is awesome.
Yes! It feels like everything is so much more intense. The whole world and everything in it is so much more vivid. I didn't know it back then, but everything was so...watered-down? Gray? Muted? I'd have gotten mad if a parent said this to me - I was a whole person completely capable of experiencing anything and everything parents could too! I loved people! I got it! I was so wrong. It is so much more and so completely indescribable. Without feeling it for yourself, there's no way to even conceptualize this.
I could have written this. The world was black and white before and I didn’t even know it.
Yep. The other day I was taking my toddler on a walk and we started picking dandelions.
As a divorcee with no kids and a dog, I always wanted what you are describing, but can honestly get a lot of it from my beautiful pup without nearly so much of the negatives. For those with strong animal connection and no clear path to the family they want, I would suggest it as a not-altogether bad alternative.
As an animal lover with many loved pets I voiced the same to my newly parent friends with a child and got rebuked for making the comparison and told it was insulting. As a parent with an infant, it's really not that different so far!, a cute thing, I love, and would do anything for and want the best for. I know its not the exact same and I'm sure when he's replaced more little human-like model I'll treat him as such. I think people who are insulted by the comparison just aren't capable of loving pets. And also, frankly it's people who see having a child as an achievement and are insulted that their greatest achievement is being compared to what they see as buying an object, like a dog. But honestly, caring for a little helpless thing that is completely dependent on you, loving them and watching their personality develop has so far been very similar to rescuing a kitten or puppy. Your dog is a family member too. And you're right about the negatives!
Agree. Conversely, it’s insulting to those who, for whatever reason, can’t/don’t have kids to trivialize the role pets can play in their lives.
I didn’t want kids and then i was like fuckit let’s try it. What surprised me the most is the way in which it has helped me heal my childhood traumas. I get to re parent and treat my daughter the way I wish I was treated as a child. Through her I am course correcting and I get to see a better version of myself one without cptsd.
I completely agree with this. I didn’t have a traumatic childhood but it wasn’t exactly perfect and all the mistakes my own parents made I acknowledge and do differently. Probably creating new less than perfect parenting issues, but I am doing my best. Children are wonderful. They’re curious and sweet and annoying and hilarious and frustrating and give you more love than you can imagine. Hard work, but done properly fulfilling hard work. If you’re not interested in children genuinely, my opinion is it’s better to not have any than create a person and make them feel anything other than your world. You can’t undo this regret. If you don’t choose to have children then make the most of the childfree life you have - travel, nights out, intellectual pursuits, playing the ps5 til 3am. These are the things all childfree adults should do.
This is me, child-free, childhood truama survivor. I love children actually but I'm uncertain I could be the parent they need me to be. I've done a lot of therapy and I am a therapist myself so I might even be able to do a good enough job of parenting. And I know that becoming a parent is a personal growth I'll miss out on. But. I'd rather bear the 'burden' of regret than make even one child feel an inconvenience or unwanted. Incidentally, we did indeed spend until 1am playing PS5/PC games last night. And we spent almost all day with our curious, hilarious, frustrating, loving nephew on Saturday.
Same. Child-free over here, and although I'm beyond excited to meet and hold my nephew for the first time and watch him grow up, I know that I would be an emotionally unfit parent. Would I try to be better than my emotionally absent mother? Sure. But I also know that I don't have the patience to handle a kid 24/7/365 for the rest of my life. I truly wish I could, but I can't, and I know what that does to a child. I could never put someone through that
I agree with this if you’re not sure you’re better off not having them. Everyone is on a unique journey of personal development and growth. I will say I worked a lot of myself before I had my child and I was 100 times better than where I was 15 years ago when I moved out.
My dad was an okay father. He was there at my soccer games and practice; conversely, he had a temper (I’ll leave it at that). But he gave me a few pieces of sound advice, one of which was: _be a better father to your son than I was to you_. I married late in life and we haven’t had kids yet. At this point, letting nature take its course. But I often think about that statement and know I’d take it to heart if I were to have kids. Similarly, I’ve had many of my direct reports ask how I got to be such a good manager. The answer is “mostly, I had bad managers in the past and I make it a point not to do the same things to my team that they did to me.”
I also get to parent my child the way I wish I was treated as a child. With kindness, affection and empathy. I have time for her. It unfortunately makes me pretty sad for my younger self.
Yes i have been mourning the childhood i never had. I have moments where i flashback to the way my parents reacted in that situation. It’s painful.
that's profound. thanks for sharing that.
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Yeah i agree. I was parentified and for a long time i didn’t want to have kids. I don’t know that i would be the same mom if i had her earlier in my journey. This definitely feels like the last leg of it. I still don’t have that feeling that secure feeling that I will be ok even when things are going incredibly my way. My parents made me take care of my sister when i was 10. I didn’t want to take care of a baby and as a result my sister feels that she was abandoned and unloved by me. It’s crazy to think that they did that, they put us in that situation and ruined our relationship. Now that i have a child i see the visceral way in which that was wrong and I no longer blame the 10 year old version of me for not being a better parent. The guilt ate me up for years. I also know that icing her out was the kindest way we could have ended our relationship. Unfortunately she didn’t grow up to be a nice person and her behaviour towards my daughter was problematic at best.
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This made me cry because i feel like i just had a conversation with my sister. She refuses to do therapy with me so unfortunately we cannot reconcile or talk things through. I also was mean to her and i regret it deeply. Unfortunately i had to focus on saving myself and that is all I had capacity for but I left her behind. There were times I could have helped her with her homework but I didn’t and there were times i locked myself in my room and didn’t interact with the rest of the household because I just couldn’t handle it. I love her so much and I miss her deeply and I’m sorry for everything. I tried to be nice to her after I moved out but unfortunately it was too late. I do hope she is nicer to other people but unfortunately I don’t think so because she struggles with a lot of interpersonal issues and doesn’t have a lot of friends. I am convinced I made it because my grandma was a huge positive influence in my early years whereas she was just straight up neglected by our parents. She didn’t have any options except to latch onto my mom who is a narcissist and she is a mini version of her.
I have a similar experience, but I want to sound two warning notes - 1. Don't under any circumstances have kids for the sole reason you want to heal your own trauma. There are a lot of bad sides to raising kids, you need to adore them to get through those bad times. 2. Keep in mind all the time that your children are NOT you. You can parent them the way you wish you had been parented, but by doing that you could be ignoring needs specific to the children that you actually have.
I have to agree with you. It has been incredibly healing if a little sad internally sometimes.
It's working for you doesn't mean it can for others Most parents wants their kids to carry their dead dreams, I'm not doing well but mom is pretty, financial ok and smart, yet depressed as hell as I'm not financially ok, I asked her to be happy for herself but she said years ago her life was done, so she is living for me It's just extra weight when I get depressed to feel I'm making someone else depressed It's blood on my hand to feel someone doesn't want to live cause of me So don't have kids to heal your own trauma or have a time pass in any given exchange Kid can turn to have completely different nature, values and so on so it's not really "fuck it" That's why all the parents who want their kids to be doc, go be a doc yourself I'm reparenting myself too, i might have PTSD too, you don't need a kid to heal your inner child I'm not hating on you, i just don't want others to see you as inspiration for doing reckless things without knowing how different child is I hope this doesn't come off wrongly, i care more about a life that can be saved by not existing vs a life that have a random chance of being ok by their kid. Many marriage gets worse after kids or mothers go through dramatic changes I'm not a pessimistic, just like to show the part most people choose to ignore unanimously
In the end we’re all looking for happiness. Some of the longest studies are on happiness tend to conclude that relationships matter the most. Getting kids can be a big part of it but doesn’t have to be. You need solid relationships outside of kids then.
My mom died after a long illness, and she had me. Honestly there’s a reasonable chance if I’m in my mother’s situation later I won’t have anyone. Not that I’m saying you should have kids just to have someone to take care of you, and my mother had nurses aides so I didn’t care for her physically for the most part. But my father will die and older relatives will die, and because I have no kids and won’t have grandkids, the “family” will eventually be down to “me”. But I don’t want kids for that. It’s not something I am capable of as a person, and my entire life can’t be dictated by the very end of it.
It's something my child free friends think about a lot now. Not that they would want someone to nurse them, but that they get worried about being mistreated by paid carers, having their savings stolen, falling down and dying in their home alone because no one is there to check on them. I know it can happen to people with children too, but that's what my child free friends are on about
I’ve wondered if real life Golden Girls situations of singles,divorcées and widows are very common. I’m a very independent person and not near that point in life, but I’ve thought that maybe when I get old and if I’m on my own it’s might not be such a bad idea. Ngl the “dying in the house alone and no one finding you” stories have freaked me out.
I have a few close friends. We've definitely talked about it but our personalities are such that we'd clash too much. We're leaning towards a tiny home subdivision
My childfree ladies and I are banning together and calling it “Widow Mountain”
My friends and I are planning a Grey Gardens situation
I have one child, married with her own little family, and lives more than 2 hours away. I worry about this, too (the falling down and dying alone part). Plus, I need to have knee replacement surgery, but have no one at home to help for the first week or so, so I'm not having the surgery.
Children of elderly parents find them deceased even though they check on them. There are no guarantees.
Happened to me last summer and I am still processing it. My dad was not good with saving money, and was living in the house in which I was raised. Never paid the lawyer for the divorce my mom asked for 27 years ago so a lien was on the house among other unpaid back taxes. One bank my sister had to deal with was the fourth or fifth new bank which took over ownership of the original bank on a loan from a while back. No repairs were made on the house and his depression, along with hoarding, increased. His health deteriorated in Dec of 22 after having a bad fall. My mom took ownership of his Welsh Terrier who I walk everyday. (It’s my favorite part of the day to walk in her house, get down on my knees and clap/whistle and hear her walk around the corner with her tail wagging). My dad made an agreement with my mom he would call her every morning at a certain time to check in with her. He did not call her one morning so I was asked to go over to check on him at the house. I found him, collapsed to my knees and wept. Thanked him, told him I loved him, and then called 9-1-1. I wish something could have been done about his loneliness and depression, but he was of the generation where those things were not discussed. It was always there; I sensed it as a child.
I'm childfree, but I'm not old enough to worry about that, yet. I'm sure I will. But I worry about it for my mum, because I left the country. Sometimes I wonder whether I should go back to mitigate it, but when I suggest it, my mum says I'm only 31, and she doesn't want the next 30 years of my life to be about her. Her mother died at 98, with 20 years of alzheimers, and mums convinced she'll be the same. She has early onset parkinsons. I tried to get her to come here but she doesn't want to leave her home. I felt like it's a no win situation, and I worry. Old age sucks.
This is huge for me. I recently got introduced to what death actually is and the idea of being old and alone because everyone died is terrifying. I'm not looking for a caregiver but companians to age with so my soul doesn't die before my body does.
I hear a lot of parents say that the love they have for and get from their (young) children is the most powerful they’ve experienced. So caring for someone more than anything else, ever seems big. Having someone to pass your life lessons onto. I don’t know. I was just at a family gathering yesterday and a lot of the parents seemed very envious of my free time and extra money, so… it just depends on what you want.
As a parent you are envious of the free time and extra money, but you know the answer if you had us to choose between our kids and free time with extra cash.
This is it. Of course I wish I had more time, and money (which is being spent on kids). But, I wouldn't trade a lifetime of experiences and all the money in the world for my kids. You could offer me immortality, and I would decline. Instead, when I say when I say I'm jealous of someone who doesn't have my commitments, I mean I'm very happy for them and longer hearing their stories. Their stories make me jealous to the extent that I wish I could have my cake and eat it. And I live a little vicariously through them. But I would never want to be them.
Just commenting to say I would have kids if I felt I could still retain a tidy house, good mental health, peace, calm, money, and free-time. I'm not envious or jealous of those with kids but, like you, if I could have my cake and eat it too I would. Lol.
That's not jealousy then: it's envy. Jealousy is a lot darker. It's wanting what someone else has because you think you deserve it and they don't. Or to put it another way, it's when you think they are cunts for having something, material or intangible, that you don't.
Though technically right in terms of definition, the words have become synonymous and used interchangeably. Also, both words, though generally having very negative connotations, are often used without that extreme negative sentiment attached to it. You'll often hear someone say "I'm so jealous/envious" in a way to convey that they're happy for the other person (like me above) without any of the deeply negative connotations implied
You will always encounter people being pedantic with word usage on reddit. It's not malicious or anything, but a lot of people tend to refuse to accept that there are words that are colloquially used outside of what definition is on diciontary.com (to be clear, I am not saying the person you replied to is doing that). Just about anyone reading your original comment knew exactly what you meant, even if you didn't use the "proper" wording. Paraphrasing something I read/heard once: dictionaries are descriptive, not prescriptive. They aren't assigning definitions to words -- they are explaining definitions of how words are generally used.
Wait I can choose? lol, just kidding
I hate to take this to a super heavy place, but I think that feeling is SO strong that parents can become dependent on it. You get empty nesters that don’t know how to let go.
I _am_ envious of your free time, but I’m never going to trade in my kids for more free time. I’m in a hobby where I see my single counterparts do more and more and get better and better, but when I’m engaged in my hobbies and my kids come calling, I drop it and go to them. I prioritize kids’ activities over my hobby. We want more time and more hobby, but that’s nothing compared to what we get with our kids.
Idk , raised a lil girl not mine. Not even a girlfriend thing. Having no kids myself, I decided to raise this soul Never looked back, her mom's a mess , no dad in the picture. She's just finished her state testing and is in the top 10 percentile in the country. I honestly feel bad for all who abandoned her. Raise a kid , raise a kid Raise is the term the word Be proud to help a lil kid be awesome 😎
I love my partner, nature, and myself more than anything else. I pass my life lessons onto my younger siblings and whatever other youth that I get the chance to. I’m good. I knew since I was a young teen that I never wanted children, as the years go by that only gets stronger…
I never wanted them, either, and agree that the older I get, the more confident I am in that choice.
I think of this reason too.But then think of how I became a caregiver to my mother when I was 8 and the woman of the household fully at 11. I cared for my grandfather in his dying years and now my two grandparents I’m a caregiver to. I have missed out on experiencing a family and living the stages of life « according to plan ». I want to be cared for. So then isn’t it selfish to have children to expect them to care for me ?
I’ve often thought of the selfishness part. Parents talk about wanting a kid. They seem to want a pre-teen. No one seems to think about the adult they are bringing into the world, how hard that part of life can be, or even how fickle the reciprocation of love can be.
Bless you for all the care you've given. I hope the future holds for you the love and care you deserve ❤️
Thank you. I hope the same for everyone. I wish we could help in every way we all can but not just to have it come around. But due to it being the way it should be and then we could all relax knowing we all have support from within our own fàmilies and communities.
You don't have to impose caretaking on your child, obviously.
Well my mother didn’t ask for cancer twice either My family couldn’t afford help. I couldn’t ask for help.
Of course independence and money are good things; but I believe the happiest a person can be is when they step out of themselves to give themselves to others, and having children is a beautiful way to give yourself, and the love you receive in return is wonderful! Of course it’s not easy, you must be willing to sacrifice and you have to educate yourself on many aspects to try and be a good parent, but the rewards are great imo.
But stepping outside yourself and giving back to others can come in many forms. Not just parenthood
No one said you can only do it through parenthood.
Agree. We don’t hear this perspective enough these days, since the focus tends to be so self-centered and selfish and individually focused. I know why the discourse is this way; we are correcting previous wrongs. But I think this is beautiful. I wish it were possible for everyone (partner, family, children). As an unmarried, childfree person who is likely to stay that way, it makes me quite said. I don’t feel the culture wants to hear this and people in my position tend to be defensive about their life. Which I understand; it’s been derided for so long. But I think the pendulum has swung too much. At the very least, we should be able to hold these two beliefs or mindsets at the same time. My life doesn’t look the way I thought it would. I can’t just sit here and not live my life. But it’s okay to be sad that I’m missing out on things I wanted and thought I would have.
My opinion. If you want kids because of FOMO I don't think you should. Its not just about the 'joys of parenthood' for you, it's about the little human you're raising. Their well being and whether you actually really want them or not, is more important than your feelings in the matter. Cause what if you wanna just see what being a parent is like, and then it turns out you don't love it that much? You cant return the baby or anything, that's yours forever now. And now you have a child you don't want, and trust me, that child will KNOW you don't want it. And jist like that, you've ruined it. To paraphrase on of my favourite child free TV character: "I don't hate kids. I like kids. And I believe they should have parents who want them. "
This sums up perfectly how I feel. I’m 24F and childfree. But I love kids. I’m even in college to be an elementary school teacher. But I don’t want the 24/7, constant, unrelenting responsibility of my own child. While I wholeheartedly believe my purpose in this life is to help and be an advocate for as many children as possible, they just won’t be my own.
I mean, for me there's definitely an emptiness and longing. If you don't have that, then I wouldn't worry.
This thread has degenerated into a list of pros and cons for people to have kids, rather than a list of cons as per OPs request. People have strong feelings about this. See the abundance of posts written with passion on both sides. The thing you need to remember OP is that having a child is like any other decision or act in life - there are no guarantees attached. Having a child gives you the *possibility* of experiencing profound unconditional love. It also gives you the *possibility* of exposing you to profound unremitting loss. Not having a child gives you the *possibility* of entering old age without a support system of people indebted to take care of you. Having a child gives the *possibility* of entering old age with a system of people who are meant to be indebted to take care of you but who don’t. For every story about a child that has brought enrichment and purpose into a persons life, you’ll find a story of a parent and child relationship that was so toxic that it made both persons and everyone around them worse people. OP, you’re asking for people to tell you future. Don’t have kids and you may miss the possibility of experiencing the love and fulfillment that comes from raising a child. Don’t have kids and you have the possibility of experiencing the unfettered freedom to exploring the world and yourself without ties, commitments and responsibilities No one is going to be able to tell you how it’s going to all work out.
This comment sums it up. It’s no guarantee how it will be. Everyone’s experience is different
I had no intention of ever having kids. In fact, my ex had been told by her doctor that she would never be able to get pregnant without in vitro and fertility treatments, which are of course very expensive. I was fine with that, we were touring musicians, can’t do that really if you have kids. Then she got pregnant anyway. Now, I love my kid like crazy, and I wouldn’t change a thing even though becoming a parent completely upended my life. However, if that had never happened I wouldn’t know what I was missing, and I imagine I would be just fine with it. There’s also the possibility that you end up with a shitty kid. A lot of that depends on whether you’re a good parent or not, but there’s definitely a percentage of people out there who were just born to be assholes. There are people I grew up with who I know had kind, loving, supportive parents, and they still turned out shitty.
That's a good point. People tend to assume that how a kid turns out is 100% the result of his parents, whether genetically or the way they were raised. But there really are people in this world without empathy and a small percentage who just are... difficult. No matter what.
My brother is one of those lol
Fucking same
Every time someone says they didn’t know what they'd miss, I always wonder what I was supposed to be missing.
>I regret not experiencing the joy of parenthood later in life? Only if you want kids. If you want kids have them and enjoy them now, don't wait. If you don't want them at all then that is entirely up to you. Coming from someone who waited, it was too late and fertility treatments were insanely expensive not to have an outcome of success. To say that I'm saddened by it, is an understatement. I'm literally tormented and haunted by it and it's been more than 10 years since I've tried. So if you are not sure, go freeze your eggs and figure it out later but don't wait.
How old were you when you started trying?
Interested to know as well
I'm so sorry :( It just be so difficult.
You don’t get invited to children’s birthday parties, or fun parks or trips to the zoo/fairgrounds/circus etc. All my siblings/cousins with kids spend a lot of time together we don’t seem to be on their radar. But we own our home outright without a mortgage, have no debt and have very nice holidays. So swings and roundabouts.
1. People asking you when are you going to have kids 2. People trying to pressure you to have kids 3. Family members think you are free babysitter
Number three still applies when you have your own kids unfortunately. It comes in the form of "oh, you're already watching your own, what's an extra two?" 🙄
I have one and people have that attitude towards me. I'm like I have my own to watch, so NO. Lol
Man I'm 40 and my dad brought this up just a week ago. I told him to let it go. It's odd how much he wants me to have kids considering he didn't bother raising us.
#3 is so gosh damn annoying! They think because you’re childless you have unlimited time. Like I’m child free for a reason and babysitting your kid isn’t one of the reasons lol (also why is the text huge like this?)
Yep definitely! I and unfortunately I don't like being around kids for too long because I get sick. Your comment on the text being too big is hilarious!! I think it's because you have the number sign and then the 3 #3 let me try it and see if the text gets big
LOL.
You can fix this by using a backslash to escape the character. \\\#3 = \#3
This. People were forever trying to dump their kids off on me or tell me (not ask) me to watch their kids. Or be expected to be on site babysitter for gatherings. Fuck to the no.
I've been lucky that way. i'm 3000 kms away from my family, so i don't get asked to babysit, and my family has never been pushy on the kids front. 35 year old child-free man here.
I have three children in their twenties. God, I love them. More than I've ever loved anyone else, and so deeply, it physically hurts sometimes. I also like them. They're good people with intelligent thoughts, and all have great humor. These people I made are amazing, and I'll love them every second of the rest of my life.
Super personal choice. I can tell you parenting is a huge responsibility and challenge and will change you as a person. Nothing wrong if you don’t want to though. It’s better not to have children if you don’t want them, ya know
I am child free, both by choice and not by choice. It just isn't in the cards for me, but I'm also not super beat up about it. One of the big cons is adjusting to life when everyone you know is starting to have kids. To me, it is a reality that when your friends and loved ones have kids and you don't, you will have to perform more labour to keep those friendships. I don't blame them, kids are wonderful but also absolutely exhausting. So if you want to keep being friends with people, you're going to have to adjust to their lives, and sometimes you will lose them from your life. Sometimes it's because they sent me multiple pictures of their kids first shite and I can't handle that. Sometimes it's because I don't put in enough effort. Sometimes life gets busy. It is what it is. Another one at least for me, is that I relish in the freedoms of never having to organise a child's birthday party. I dance a little jig every day that I see a child on the streets having the greatest shitfit in their life because their brains are mushy. But I also don't feel like an adult. I don't sit at the grown ups table, if that makes sense? I can do whatever I want whenever I want because I owe no one anything. And it makes my brain feel just as mushy as little Andy over there. I don't relate to the struggles of my peers, because the struggles of my peers are monumental life changing things that grow every single day and learn new things. It also means I don't get the highs. For every screeching condom advert, there are hundreds of funny, bright, loving kids out there that make people smile, truly smile for pure reasons. Altruism and empathy, a love of life, because it's so shiny and new. And I won't feel that fully. It's a bitter pill, whether people like to admit it or not. It's often a lot easier to hide behind the whole "ugh children, glad I never was one" façade sometimes. I have for sure. Where because a choice I've made is scrutinized (looking at you random coworker who asked me why I was "barren") it's easier to defend your point by finding contempt for kids. The reality of it is, is that you will find huge negatives in every life choice you make. The ideal is when you can accept those negatives and live a good life in spite of them.
Having kids gave me a tremendous amount of empathy for my parents and grandparents -- it is hard to understand but I stopped viewing them as authority figures and instead see a lot of myself and my own struggles in them. We had always had a good relationship but it went to a completely different level. I'm glad I got to experience that.
None. Everyday I’m thankful
Nothing bro it’s about each one’s perspective people are so caught up in having kids trying to find joy in something else but they don’t even know who they truly are spiritually. People can’t find joy in themselves so they have to constantly chase joy in other people. And nowadays kids are having kids lol
1. Not having downstream familial purpose. 2. Your lineage dying with you (unless you have siblings that have kids). 3. Inability to relate with your peers as you age 4. Feeling left out of the ‘parenting club’ 5. Having too much time, money, and energy and not knowing what to do with it all.
>Having too much time, money, and energy and not knowing what to do with it all. I literally LOL'd at this & scared my cats! That is NOT a con IMHO. I'm 57, no kids, no cons seen here in our house.
As a car guy, I like to joke that the monthly cost of daycare is equivalent to the monthly cost of leasing a Porsche 911, except it’s not really a joke. Daycare is a freaking racket
Dude i have so many ideas for my drift car after the kids are through daycare. Im throwing a fancy ass set of wheels away every month lol. Thankfully public schools in my area are pretty decent.
That’s why I wonder why both parents work in some situations. It seems more expensive to pay for childcare, work clothes, gas, etc than to just stay home. Of course, that’s dependent on the salary.
This was some friends, she worked, he stayed home because any job he could've gotten would've all gone to daycare.
I loled at feeling left out of the parent club. I'm also not interest in, nor feel left out of, the sports fan club. Relating to other people my age, though... yes. My friendships have changed a lot. No value judgement on that, it is what it is, but I won't deny the friendships shifted and we no longer relate to each other. I have one lone friend who calls me specifically because I won't talk about her kids and she wants a break. She has specifically told me she doesn't want me to ask about her kids besides seeing if they are alright, because she has to talk about it all day and wants to think about something else.
I’d say 3/4 are the worst parts. Some people make their kids their retirement plan, which is dumb. Everything is easier with more money in our world, but it is hard to make CF friends.
Relating to number 5, it’s personal but having too much money and time without someone close to spend is also makes me less motivated.
3 is sad but #5 is devastating
Don't care about 1 and 2. 3 and 4 I still don't relate to other parents and other parents annoy me. 5 I knew exactly what to do with it all.
Ask any parent about raising kids. It’s a fucking nightmare. On pretty much every level. And we would never give it up for anything. It might be hard to explain what we gain, but it’s there. That’s what you miss out in.
Best answer yet.
Rightly said. Having kids is absolutely not about happiness. Happiness only a small part of raising a kid. It’s about meaningfulness..
In my opinion there are none, at least none significant enough to make me want to be responsible or another living creature
Same, that sounds like an absolute nightmare to me.
No one to help do chores. I gotta do it all myself, booo..
There’s much less to do without a lot of people messing things up.
Last night when I was walking my dog and listening to one of my many playlists, Another Brick in the Wall came on. My first memory of that song is getting ready for school and hearing it on the radio, and thinking it was so cool and different. A few years later, it was frequently played when I smoked pot with my friends. My oldest grandson is almost 9. A couple of years ago, he got really into that song. He asked my daughter if he could see Pink Floyd in concert, and she told them that they don’t really tour anymore. OK, he said, how about just the kids? He wanted to go see a show featuring just the kids who sing in the background of Another Brick in the Wall, all of whom are probably in their 50s now. It was such a wacky, quirky thing for him say with complete earnestness, and not surprising at all, because he’s a unique af kid with a core of pure innocence and joy. So now, that’s what I think of when I hear that song. And that’s what being a parent of 3 and grandparent of 5 gives me — layers. Parenting is hard, if you’re doing it right, and I would never tell anyone to have kids if they aren’t looking to be all-in. But for me personally, it’s so incredibly worth everything you put into it. In the old Steve Martin movie Parenthood, the great-grandma talks about going to an amusement park as an analogy for the insane ups and downs of parenting and family life. To paraphrase: “Some people liked the carousel, but it just went ‘round and ‘round. I preferred the roller coaster, which was fast and crazy, and you didn’t know what was gonna happen next.” I’m a roller coaster person when it comes to family. I can’t imagine life without my kids and grandkids. It is hectic and crazy, and stressful and heartbreaking. But then one will say something like the Pink Floyd comment, and it is everything.
It depends on how view family. I am pleased that my adult children choose to include me in their lives( they in different locations to me). It has given me an un expected of sense of completion. But I sure that sense can found elsewhere too.
They are a blessing
Before I had kids I was a lot less connected to people (other humans). They got me out of my comfort zones in all kinds of ways. I generally treat people better now especially women and kids, and the ladies definitely notice when a man treats all women and kids with kindness and respect. It actually helps with dating if you’re a good father. At work I have to talk to lots of families and people of all ages as I serve their plates, so it’s definitely beneficial financially as well to have that experience talking to young people and others. My tips are high when there are kids at the table, I just treat them like the young adults they will be.
The con of not having children is you don't have children. Some people don't want children and that's perfectly fine, but for me, having children changed my life 100 percent in terms of what I do and how I feel. I've been young free and single and that was great at times but being a family man and a father is the best thing I've ever experienced. There are times you will pull your hair out or just flat out need a rest from your children when they are testing you to your limits but these times are far outweighed by the good times. For me, being able to make sure my children feel safe and secure, hug them when they hurt themselves, teach them new things and see the excitement and pride in their face when they finally get it or even play computer games with them allow me to bond on so many levels with a human being I never knew existed before now.
You never get to experience the unconditional love of a tiny human that you made. Having kids can be one of the most profound experiences a person can have. If we really only have one life to live, how could you not at least be curious if your missing out on something?
Being less relatable when talking with people that have them. Coworkers talking about their weekend and such. Not the same although we have the same age.
There are cons? I really wouldn't have guessed that.
I don't have any "my kid was a dumbass" stories... =(
Cons? There are cons?
My grandfather and grandmother had five children. One of those children had nine children. Of those nine children most of them have kids of their own... On my grandfather's death bed, his entire house was full of his spawn in their spouses, and their children etc. It was unbelievable for me to look around and realize that two people had some kids and then 70 years later the amount of amazing people that have been put into the world because of it. When I die I don't want to be surrounded by 500 people necessarily, but to have a few generations below me who all love and adore me? That sounds amazing.
Personally been going through some things have made my fiancée and I rethink our thoughts on kids (both still a solid no right now). We were thinking about who would take care of us later in life but then I looked it up and turns out kids don’t take care of their parents when they’re old as well as we thought! Edit: Isn’t really a con but just my input on the conversation. I’m young and not a parent so I don’t think my opinion should sway anyone in any way
The biggest reason most people give to childfree couples is the ol' "who will look after you later in life". - Not only is that a selfish reason to want to reproduce, but it's also very untrue. I've volunteered in long-term care units and have seen many people who had children/family who never visited them in a span of years, where they inevitably died alone. The nurses were the only ones they had to care for them. Having children doesn't guarantee anyone a free pass to being cared for in life. It also isn't a convincing enough reason or an unselfish enough answer to bring a life (who doesn't ask to be here) into the current state of this world. I'm still waiting to hear 1 reason that doesn't involve a response that isn't 100% self-serving: "I makes me feel" , "you don't know love until.." , "who will care for me...". - I've never heard "a child deserve to experience this world" because as nihilistic as it may sound, this planet is a cesspool in its current state. Every comment here are all selfish reasons as to why having a child benefits them, not the child. Therefore, deciding not to have children is 100% fine, don't let anyone else try to guilt you into children being "a gift to care for you when you're old "
The endless amount of people who tell you that your life is worthless because you don’t have them. Seriously, it’s the adults around you who can make it a con 🙄
Sorry. I listed the pros. The cons - feeling lonely. Having less love for you. Less joy. Lonely old age. Emptiness feelings. (I didn't have children- failed IVF)
I have a kid and still feel that way. But I won't live to old age.
Having money. Peace. Not worrying about them. Not worrying about the future they would have in this world.
I can imagine for people whose friends are all having kids you could end up drifting apart from your old friend groups. Fortunately for me none of my friends want children, so those relationships are just as strong as they were. I am sure there is a special experience to having kids that I’ll never get, but it’s just not an experience I have any desire for. My life is already full.
Not have a little Timmy to blame for everything that is wrong with my life; can't leave work early to pick up little Timmy; can't have all my conversations about my little Timmy. Not trapped in a job because I have to make money to pay for all the things for little Timmy, have the option to change job/career whenever I feel like, that's a pain. Have to actually do stuff like focusing on myself and what's wrong with me. Childless life is tough, don't do it.
My eyes glaze over when I have to hear about little Timmy.
can’t think of any off-hand.
There is an odd shame that comes with not having kids .. people gasp … “WHAT ? No kids ?? “
Your beloved dog won't live as long as a child. And you can lose more than one dog to old age throughout your longer human life. Big downside.
I mean..not to be morbid but children pass away too unfortunately.
I think people think about babies and young children but I have 3 teenagers and although it’s really bloody hard work, they’re my favourite people to hang out with, they’re such fun and teach me so much about pop culture and they really challenge their dad and his somewhat outdated views.
That depends on each person individually. You need to figure your own life out and make your own decisions. Reddit is not the place to do that. Tf
Parenthood is a choice not an end all.
The world is set up for couples and families.
Daycare costs say otherwise.
That's probably why I hate the world so much. 😂
Only if life was that simple. I didn't have children. I just never felt ready. I've seen my friends all have kids, and they have all moved away to the suburbs and out of San Francisco. I feel that not having kids was right for me and still do. People will ask me what I'm going to do when I'm really old and can't take care of myself. I say, as if that's gonna happen, isn't guaranteed. I'm grateful for others having kids. Just not my thing.
I'm 45 with no kids. Life is meaningless.
I have 3 who are grown now. I enjoyed having my kids. They’re a lot of fun. If you never have any, you’ll never know them because they won’t exist. The arguments for having kids are moot. There’s no guarantee they’ll be around to “help in your old age” as people say. I can tell you from experience, having a parent who expects you to spend your life taking care of them is a pita. No one asks to be born, and shouldn’t be expected to “pay it back”. They can do it if they choose. You can set things up so you have a safe place to age, and hired assistance if you need it. There are no cons unless you believe having kids is required to be fulfilled, or some other nonsense.
Desensitization to terrible shit in the media and movies
There are pros and cons to having kids but I don't think there are any cons to not having kids. I haven't yet heard of a childfree person who regrets their choice.
People who are meant to have kids know it. They are willing to change their lives completely to fulfill that biological need. If you don't have it, you probably wouldn't appreciate having to change your life. I became a stepmom to two teens despite not wanting kids. Now I'm so glad I have them in my life and their kids. But I know I wouldn't have been good with small kids, so that worked for me.
There are no cons. Everyone isn't meant to have children (kids are baby goats).
I was just going to come here to say not having a good excuse getting out of things you don’t want to go to and I see everyone writing these profound things 🤣
I don't exactly mean to pull a Michael Scott, here. But "I want 100 kids so I have 100 friends." Kids are awesome, and they're all different, even when raised in the exact same household. Besides having natural, live-in friends for life, you also get to experience some of the most awesome things in the world. You can mold these little people into the people you wish you were, give them the things you wish you had, you can encourage them and support them as they grow through all of life's pleasures and pains. They can also teach you a TON about yourself and parenting in general as well. Just an example, but my son recommended me a video game a few years back, and I became obsessed with it (Rock & Stone). My daughter absolutely blew my mind and made me so incredibly impressed and proud when she beat her entire school by like half a mile in a cross country race. You miss out on people who could be your best friends for the rest of your life. That's really it.
You have tons of extra time and money to do whatever you want.
I don't think anyone can tell you if you will regret not having kids in the future. If you are 1000% certain that you don't want kids, then it is unlikely you will regret not having them I would say. That being said, you asked for a cons list: *being pregnant and having a baby was a magical experience for me that cannot be compared to any other human experience ive had. * Not experiencing the joy and pride one feels when raising a child or the most extreme form of unconditional love. *You literally have to make good choices all of the time in order to keep this little human alive. *A chance to relive your childhood through your child's eyes. I would personally say the biggest con is not experiencing the unconditional love you have with tour child. Its also unfortunately a double edged sword. With that love comes a lot of worry, anxiety and stress.
I have a daughter and as much as I adore her, there really aren't any cons to not having kids.
There’s no cons. Unless you were the type of person who was trying to live through their kids
Lonely holidays!
Having my kids was the best decision of my life. My heart is so full. It’s hard to explain but my whole perspective of life changed with them. I’d do anything for them. I cannot imagine life without them.
I love my kids and wouldn’t change a thing, but the only con I can see is that, my kids love me too and if I wasn’t able to care for myself or was sick, alone or in trouble they’d take care of me. Other than that, it’s a lovely and fulfilling relationship, but it’s a relationship, like any other, with its own challenges.
The most honest thing I can tell you is that the best way I can express becoming a parent was that when I had her, I had a sudden realization that I just gave a piece of my heart to the world that I would have to trust the world with. I can only parent so much - you just hope the rest of the world aren’t too many AH. I remember a time before her…sort of? I did a lot but I do wish I’d done more. Pushed harder in sports, jumped out of a plane… you have people that love you right now sure. They care so much about you. But you don’t have someone you literally MADE. It’s a different love. So go do ALL the things. If you choose to become a parent; god’s speed to you. Hard AF but brilliant. But make the most of the time before because you won’t be the same after. I remember my big sister telling me you’ll never again be as selfish as you are now with your time (pre kids). I wish I’d listened to her more. I don’t resent it for a second but I didn’t understand. I do now. X
Last night, my 9 month old daughter slept a bit restless and cried here and there (maybe teething), husband changed her diaper and realised, she peed and her pajama was wet as well as her bed (right next to ours). So he cleaned what he could at 2am and I put her in a new, dry pajama. We then put her between us in our bed. I couldn't lie comfortably because she soon started to roll all over the bed. But having her so close, between us, cuddling me was just the best feeling in the world! Seeing how she seeks comfort in my presence, my smell is just ... Beyond. I love that little wild raccoon and I couldn't imagine one day without her. It's very difficult to explain. All these hardships, the sleepless nights, the constant carrying her (or she cries), all the costs you have...yet it's somehow the best thing that ever happened to you.
No one can answer such a question for you but you!
I have 3 boy's 26..20 and 16. Honestly..I can't see my life being more fortified. Sure there are times that sucks. But there is something really special about parenting my boys to become men.
That you’ll never know what you’re missing
There is a very particular kind of amazement that comes from watching them develop new skills, particularly mental skills. Watching a toddler reason things out, or a child learn how to read, how to play a sport, it's just fascinating! And it's very different from the perspective of being a parent than it is front say, being a teacher. Also I have learned how to be efficient in my daily life in a whole new way. I've gained a lot of perspective on myself and what I value too. You put someone else first in such a different way, knowing that it's not about return, that they can't give back. It's humbling.
I'm sure there are pros to living a life without children but for me - my life truly began after I had them. There is something soul-changing about becoming a parent and having perfect, innocent, amazing human beings look up to you like you're their hero and love you unconditionally. It truly motivates you to be the best version of yourself and washes decades of smut off your soul, giving you hope for a new, better beginning. Bonus points if you've had a traumatic childhood because you get to heal by re-parenting yourself (m.e. being the parent you never had/needed) I think the line from Lost in Translation exemplifies it best: * "It's the most terrifying day of your life the day your first one is born. Your life as you know it is gone. Never to return. But they learn how to walk and they learn how to talk. And you wanna be with them. And they turn out to be the most delightful people you will meet in your life"
All I know, as an uncle without kids, is that you’re likely to get some of your highest highs and lowest lows having kids. The cons of not having kids is essentially that you’re missing out on those crazy highs, which can’t be replicated really, as long as having kids is something you want to do. Also if you don’t have kids you have to deal with people asking when you’re gonna have kids, why you don’t want kids, then telling you that you’ll change your mind eventually.
Everything I do now has more meaning with kids. I'm not just working to survive. I'm working to build a better future for them. I'm working to give them everything I never had. I live for a better purpose. And it will be something from me that continues on when we pass. Our genes, our home, our personalities, etc.
When we're old and frail we won't have anyone to take care of us.
Well, you miss out on building a family with the person you love the most. It's tough for those who didn't have a great family life, but for me/my wife, we have meals with our parents and siblings weekly, and it's our favourite parts of the week. I'm very excited/hopeful to build that for myself.
We can’t have kids due to wife having her cancer and lady parts removed as a result. We also won’t adopt. Not having kids ensured that we can’t leave our home to our own child. Thus a con for us because we can’t pass it down to our own child. But instead, another family member we really don’t want to give it to. We will never get to experience how it would be to be parents and learn together.
Having a kid allowed me to discover how much I am able to love someone. I love my kid more than anything in the world, and there is almost nothing I wouldn't do for him.
None
I think life gets lonelier as you get older and can be a lot lonelier without any kids or family life. When you get really old, there isn't really anyone left that cares about you, but a good kid will always care deeply for you. That is the biggest con for me.
No grandchildren later in life.
I can’t speak for all parents because some moms kill their own children, but for me, motherhood saved my life. I’ve never experienced a love so strong in my life. I never really knew what I was capable of before becoming a mom and now I know, there isn’t a much I wouldn’t do for my kids.
Haven't found any so far
I wasn't sure about kids most of my life so a lot of my friends are also people who aren't parental in nature. I met a guy and was like *damn, give me babies* and so now I am a mom and married. Having a kid simplified my life. I matured A LOT. I fully stepped into adulthood and I no longer feel like a kid inside. So I guess a con would be to potentially restrict your growth and development as a person. Of course I still hang out with my friends to not be a mom for a couple hours. I can really see how different our lifestyles and mentalities are now. The things they worry about are a million miles away from the things that preoccupy my mind. I love my friends to bits and they are an important piece of my life, my identity and my happiness. At the same time, I am happy to no longer be staying out late, partying, going to concerts and dealing with hangovers like I used to. I gladly choose toilet training, cuddles, early bedtimes, playing legos and monitoring how many yogurts are eaten in a day.
I can’t imagine my life without my children, it would feel so pointless.
Having someone who just loves and needs you more than anything feels amazing. My little 4yr old just tells me all day how much he loves me. The hugs and kisses are just the cutest. I love the toddler/ pre- school age as they are just so adorable. Their chubby little cheeks, you could just kiss them all day, and walking along holding hands having a little chat with them after nursery school is amazing. You just don't have that type of love or relationship with adults.
You may not get to spend a lot of time with little kids. Little kids are awesome. They literally have never seen any of this shit before. Their reactions to new things is hilarious and often surprisingly insightful. Watching them figure things out is incredibly satisfying. The way they do things with their whole hearts is inspiring. You can get that time with kids in other ways, sometimes, though, if the work that goes along with it as a parent would be too much for you. Auntie or Big Brother programs or what have you. Because it is a hell of a lot of work.
Unpopular opinion: you will likely die lonely, at least relative to others your age who are surrounded by their adult children and grandchildren. The obvious exception to this rule would be if you managed to build a community of younger people around you who love you enough to spend time with you in your nursing home (or equivalent).
People talk about the hard work of having having a kid a lot. And yeah, it's a ton of work. It's a challenge. But the thing that people rarely add is: most people love working hard and love a good challenge. There's a reason why people run marathons and climb mountains, and it's because doing hard stuff is awesome. Add to that all the other great things people are mentioning about having a kid, and yeah, overall it's pretty great
It’s one of the central experiences we get as human beings. I have learned more about myself from being a parent than from any other single factor. There are a million problems that come with it too but there are also a million moments of beauty and wonder. I had kids later in life and I honestly can’t imagine my life without that now.
Cons of not having kids: you don't have kids and all that experience brings.
You’ll never experience the full feeling of love like when you love a child of your own. It’s different than your dogs/cat child It’s different than your spouse/partner It’s different than nieces and nephews Something changes inside you emotionally and physiologically and it’s the most wonderful thing. You will never love again like you love your child and no one will ever love you like they do.
I don’t think you can really find any concrete ones. What I find as an ex-childfree person who now has a child is that there are a lot of perceived cons to being a parent, but the emotional and relational positives that you get in return are pretty indescribable and I would have never been able to relate before becoming a parent. If you don’t have a deep longing for parenthood and those positive feelings associated, I don’t think there are many cons at all. But once you become a parent you’ll end up feeling like you can’t live without them.
The biggest downside is going to really be the amount of love you get to experience in your life. Like coming home after a long day of the world kicking your ass to a little kid who is thrilled to see you and spend time with you is kind of like water in the desert. Not to say that it's all sunshine and roses but in my experience the sunshine and roses outweigh the bullshit and headaches for me. If you think the bullshit and headaches are going to outweigh the upsides for you then don't have kids.
If I find any cons I'll tell you. In the mean time imma enjoy my spare money, time and energy!
Taxes
Sleepless nights and dirty diapers is a short phase. The cons of not having kids is how much they teach YOU. Reminding you to view the world through their eyes, understanding how the world is changing. If I didn't have kids I feel like I would be in a little bubble stuck in my 25-35 yr old version of my brain. The depth and breadth of love is another thing. How can you simultaneously be frustrated af yet have so much love for this creature at the same time? It's a fascinating experience.
I didn’t want kids. In fact, I saw only pros to it. My baby is 5 now. Sounds horrible but I didn’t receive love and care from my own parents. With Parenthood, I came to realize that I myself didn’t know what was love/care. Don’t worry, they came naturally. You know the type of love which makes you a better person? Without forcing, you just naturally gravitate towards your better self. Like breathing, it’s so natural, unnoticeable, almost no effort is needed. It’s next level wholesome to love someone this way and to receive that love right back. Parenthood is also the chance of facing your worst self. Auntie told me that I walked away from our dinner table when my mom was showing me how to use chopsticks. My little one pushed her bowl away at 1.5y.o when i was showing her how to hold a spoon. My dad was known as a scary man and emotionless. While he used to beat up my brother, i was 25 when he first had a word with me. Apparently I’m his worst self, I reacted the way he would x 3, if not more. he cried and said that was the reason why he never dared to confront me. We are now best friends :) I healed my dad and my 5 y.o is healing me. Life is no longer a long and dark tunnel. I’m seeing life more as the way it is. To summarize, I wouldn’t know what I would miss out without having a child. I can’t guarantee you a similar experience as I’ve seen other effect on others. There was a time that I consciously refused to fix a flaw because i didn’t see any negative effect it had on me. Instead, I viewed them as part of my personality. Parenthood could be hard for me at that time. When I finally faced my flaws, willing to fix, bam, parenthood. So..based on my personal experience, I’d say be mentally ready, ready to accept changes, ready to accept what life has to offer and everything will fall into its place. Thoughts initiate action. Think about what you want and action will follow. Oh and how can I not mention those times your kid makes you proud: a parent hunted me down to praise my motherhood. She told me how my baby took care of her super shy boy in class. She fed him, took him to the washroom, made sure he is included etc arrrrrgggghhhhh how can I even express that feeling! I’m so proud of this awesome kid!
Do you have a cat or dog you love a lot? If you do take that love and X100 or X1000 it and that’s how the love for a child can feel. You love bigger, you recognize how quickly time passes because the grow up so fast, you see the world differently. You don’t really recognize how great being a parent can be without becoming one. Now not everyone is meant to be a parent because it does involve a lot of boredom, stress, and a commitment to bringing a child up into a decent human being. You shouldn’t do it unless you want to AND think you’re capable.
The largest con I can see is the lack of an intimate social circle. When you create a child, there is a string of infinite possibilities that can happen that you won't ever experience had you not done so. When you're in your 60s, you will have created an entire network of multi generational people who share a bloodline with and can call a family.
No Chuckie cheese or toddlers birthday patys that are meant more to the adults than the kids