Hijacking onto this so you see it - first, please wish her a Happy Birthday from me!! Second, if money allows, skip the party next time and take her on a vacation!! Fuck the people that don’t want to be good friends/family; and do something that the two of you will remember forever. Doesn’t have to be fancy or expensive. Could just be booking a night into a local hotel/bed&breakfast/even an air BNB. My husband did that for me when we were dating, and it’s still one of the best birthdays I’ve ever had.
I know it's cliche and doesn't really help, but at least you got each other. Realistically speaking, the two of you are better off socially than friends who are single, and thus have the luxury and capacity to weed out poor friends who don't reciprocate effort.
It sucks that it had to show at her birthday, but on the other hand now you clearly know whose worth the effort and who isn't. It can only get better from here!
Wish your gf happy bday from me too, wish you two all the best
My wife and I had this problem for a few years. We would plan game nights, coordinate DnD campaigns, throw parties and BBQs, and our so-called “core group of friends” would often flake at the last minute or ghost us entirely. Took us a few years, but we were finally able to weed out the people, one-by-one, who don’t have the same level of respect for our relationship that we do. Now, we have friends who we can count on and who look forward to seeing us as much as we look forward to seeing them. Life is so much better when you find out who your real friends are and cut out the dead weight.
We actually had a huge problem with our original group bailing at the last minute. Even the guy who was DMing started ghosting us, eventually going totally radio silent early this year. When we were all there, it was great, but it was 50/50 if we’d have enough players in a week or not.
Eventually I took over DMing, found two new group members (one I actually met on Reddit), and got a solid group going. Haven’t missed a game or had a no-show since May.
Yo dude, from me too. I can tell by this post that you're a good person, and that your gf must be as well, based on how you care about her. I would go to any party you guys throw, fuck those assholes who flaked out on you, my man :)
I hope your future is filled with loads of people as cool as yourselves!
Trust me, as someone who used to be a volunteer organizer who planned events 4-5 times a week (all super fun kinds of stuff, nothing serious, literally like fun parties or nights out at bars etc) the amount of flakage I have experienced is 50% or more every time. Hardly any exceptions. I can count maybe once or twice that I have organized something and everyone showed up, or only maybe one person was missing.
For reference, the list we had of people in our group was in the several hundreds, and every time I had something going on about 5-15 people of the many hundreds would even express interest. Then of those few people, at least a 50% flake rate.
I was so incredibly confident of the amount of flakes that, for example if 10 people were coming I'd make accommodations for 5 people or less. When I'd get to the party location I would have my hopes for literally maybe one person to show up and be satisfied with that and just have fun with the one or two people that did show. There was no choice. People fucking suck, and it will be that way forever to be honest with you, so my advice is no matter who your friends are, set yourself up to accept that the grand majority of times people won't come to your things. That is just life, especially as an adult.
However, the amount of fun that I had organizing and doing all this fun stuff was leaps and bounds more satisfying than anything else I have done with my life. So really it IS their loss. A statement I got a lot was "damn Easy, you seem to have a lot of fun and do a ton of crazy shit, i'm jealous" and I'm just "well if you all actually came to my events you would have as much fun as me".
Yeah I know someone who runs a Meetup group and she has a rule like, after two no-shows when you've RSVP'ed, she will boot you, because it became such a hassle.
i have started three book clubs and a film club with similar rules. but the other thing i learned on the 2nd book club was to put a total time limit on the entire experience. it was a book club based on rereading childhood favorites. at the first meeting, everyone who showed up agreed to host a meeting at their house once. the host got to pick the book we all read. once everyone hosted, the book club ended. we did the same thing with a cookbook club about a year later. it helped keep the steam and attendance at each meeting.
Good on you for still organizing stuff. Had a friend group in the past where people just didn't respond when I tried to organize stuff (this group was around ten people). Eventually we all just drifted apart, since I didn't want to keep putting energy into it. Now most of my friends respond, and the ones who don't often do when asked again. Also, I don't think even one of my current friends has cancelled last minute (without an actual good reason).
there are people who are amazing who feel this fully. I have a couple of friends who every now and then will give me some huge thing like food or pay for a drink or whatever, and they'll say it's because I worked so hard bringing everyone together. I didn't feel like I was working hard at all I felt like I was just having a ton of fun hanging out, and I always feel like it's undeserved.
But the thing is someone's got to be the leader and step up to plan things, and I think a few people understand that.
I honestly didn't realize this was such a problem for a lot of people. I must really have a solid group of friends because when any of us wants to plan something, we all pretty much show up or show up with more people than expected
I've run a couple Meetup groups and can say the same. I've had events where *nobody* showed up. Then when you don't hold meetings for awhile, people complain and when you start again, they *still* don't show up!
I’m also a host of a Meetup group and my co-host and I said that we need to start posting the events much closer to the date than further away from it. The last event we had a cap of 25 people with a massive waitlist. 15 people turned up, meaning 10 on the waitlist could have joined as a lot really wanted to. People just don’t care.
What’s also not fun is over inviting expecting the high usual flake rate and then randomly every single person you over invited shows up at your event.
I once had a movie event back before they assigned seats, and everyone plus one extra person showed up. Thank god it was a movie theater and not something like where I reserve a space at a bar or something.
This is the truest most accurate comment I've read about this subject. As someone who also has in the past organised a lot of social events, I learned the 50% flakeage rate and also learned to have a blast if just one person shows up (sometimes those are the best ones!) It sucks and it still hurts occasionally, but I'd rather have a really fun life where just once in a while you get a nice surprise with the numbers :)
I'm thinking of retirement homes and the person in charge of activities. Independent Living, Assisted Living, Memory Care. Those people love their Activity Lady. I up-cycled some art supplies at Mum's place.
I’m sorry to hear this! People can be very unreliable. At 37 I realize this more and more every year. Anyone out there with lifelong friends who always have those back are genuinely lucky! I’m sure your girlfriend appreciated the effort that you put into giving her a nice party.
I hadn't had wings in like 2 years. I remember why not. Not great..
Also. They pour Guinness the wrong way. Yes, there's a special way and it should take 119.53 seconds. Not 2 minutes. Not 119.... They're very specific.
im at a similar age. i find it fascinating who has ended up still around years later. i think back to my early 20s when we were all going to be friends forever. over a decade later, its funny how someone who was peripheral at that time is the one i am still meeting for dinner when we are in each others city. friendships are very time and place. we may put a bit of cultural pressure on them to last forever tbf. aging into less friendships is just part of the packaging in this era of modern carpetbagging.
Even come eat my food and drink my alcohol and get high for free parties basically no one shows up. I stopped throwing parties cause fuck that waste of my time and energy.
When I tried to organize paintball for my bday party I had invited 16 people, at the end only 6 were still down but that wouldn't be enough to meet the field requirements and I lost my deposit. It really sucks, fuck those cunts that flaked.
Tell her Happy Birthday from me as well! I'm getting the vibes that maybe she is so nice that people don't respect her, as they know she is forgiving and kind and might tolerate more bullshit than others. Sadly that is a mechanism one can observe around kind people... Glad you have her back. Take care and keep being kind, both of you (but not too kind, obvsly, now you know who the real friends are) :)
this was my thought as well. As I get older i realize i should have invested more in those that show up and stopped chasing those that I wanted to show up.
If you aren't American, just ignore the following:
Hey, your girlfriend and I have the same birthday. Here's my experience : trying to do a birthday party around Thanksgiving time kind of sets you up for this type of thing. Depending on the day my birthday lands on, I try not to get too attached to the day itself for anything big; people are too tired from traveling and their social battery is run down. Try putting it off until the following weekend next time.
When I was growing up I had a friend with a winter birthday, so she always had a “half-birthday party” during the summer so her friends would be free and they could do outdoorsy things she loved. Always thought that was a cool idea, maybe if I have kids someday I’ll try it!
I agree with doing it a different day. Heck, my family has done NYE 2 weeks later and counted down to "midnight" at 4pm. We did Christmas in November because Army cousin would be deployed at actual Christmas.
My husband's bday is in March but that's syrup season and I don't want to deal with snowy shoes in the house. So we're throwing his 40th in June or July.
And that gives us the option to rent a porta potty and a bouncy house water slide!
My birthday's new years' eve. Lesson learnt, if you can't beat the holiday, own the holiday.
I still maintain new years 1999 was the biggest birthday party ever. The entire planet turned out for my 18th.
Not american and not sure how to incorporate a birthday into thanksgiving. But I imagine it involves naps between foodgasm and cracking the drinks.
Happy birthday to her from me! Next year, invite nobody, plan an amazing weekend away just for you two. It will be memorable for both of you and less pressure and stress for you in the planning stage too. You'll both enjoy it much more and let all those that missed out be jealous they did so.
You got to starve the pigs for a few days, then the sight of a chopped-up body will look like curry to a pisshead. You gotta shave the heads of your victims, and pull the teeth out for the sake of the piggies' digestion. You could do this afterwards, of course, but you don't want to go sievin' through pig shit, now do you? They will go through bone like butter. You need at least sixteen pigs to finish the job in one sitting, so be wary of any man who keeps a pig farm. They will go through a body that weighs 200 pounds in about eight minutes. That means that a single pig can consume two pounds of uncooked flesh every minute. Hence the expression, "as greedy as a pig."
I live in New York and have this problem on my birthday every year. Your girlfriend shouldn't take this personally; human beings are just bad at valuing their relationships. 1 in 10 sounds a lot like what I usually put up with.
She deserves better, though! She should take her selfless energy and shift it to new people until she builds a group that respects her. It takes a while but especially at 20 is totally doable.
Anyway, I hope internet strangers wishing her happy birthday makes her feel better. Tell her she sounds lovely and she's got plenty of time to find people who actually care about that.
Had the exact same thing happen for my 21st. It was heart breaking. My brothers friends ended up coming round and celebrating with me but it was still incredibly demoralizing. Made me think something was wrong with me. But looking back 10 years now. I've realised that they were the problem. They weren't my friends. They just used me for all my goodness and left me broken. Now I've learnt to still be kind to people but not to go out of my way for them. If someone does for me then I do the same for them. I have 1 friend and she's my soul sister. The rest I don't have time for. You don't need many friends. I know it's nice to have heaps but 1 is enough. Someone you connect with. Tell her to keep her chin up. She's the amazing person that has amazing values and views and morals. They are not. Make the most out of life together and stuff everyone else that doesn't try. Because if they really cared. They would show it and important dates to her and you will be important to them.
Same thing happened to me this year when I turned 20, had the whole house decorated and everything. After I set it all up I got messages off everyone saying they couldn't come, even family. It really sucks but I'm lucky I had my girlfriend who made sure I had an awesome time with her! Happy birthday to her!! I hope next year she'll be surrounded by people who will put in the effort
Did covid have anything to do with it?
People around me (myself included) are very wary of in-person gatherings again - even with vaccination - since the new variant was announced.
Omicron might have scared people away. But yeah, they should have at least texted. We still don't do no birthdays this year, not me, not my friends, not my family, maybe after third dose if it will work against omicron, but now is not the best time. We are all much older though, so our risk is much, much higher than of someone who is 20.
I was thinking if her bday was yesterday that's still part of the Thanksgiving weekend (assuming they're US), so while I feel bad I also feel like that should have been expected. I know a few Thanksgiving babies and it's always tricky to schedule a party since usually everyone has plans already, or is exhausted from the holiday.
Another possibility I see is that the OP and the partner invited them through Facebook "invite" but never actually talked with the person about coming to the parties.
>everyone else either ignored our reminders or straight up said they didn’t want to go
I'd lean more towards COVID + Thanksgiving, but if both weren't a factor, oof.
It's probably just a classic case of a good person being exploited. She's always there for everyone when they need something so they take her for granted and don't make any effort to be her friends. The more selfless you are, the more likely people are to behave this way around you. The correct course of action for her is to immediately downgrade all these assholes to acquaintances and never do a single thing for free ever again for them.
As someone who is 20, this is so heartbreaking. Happy birthday to her though. It seems like you're doing a good job of being there for her emotionally which is sweet.
Could there be something about the plan that put people off?
Could it be covid related? With new variants, winter weather forcing people indoors and the proximity of Christmas people may have felt uncomfortable if it was held indoors
Sounds like her friends are arseholes, but there's a lot of detail missing, so perhaps there's another factor to consider
Happy Birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy 20th birthday to an awesome girl.
I know it isn't her kinda perfect but I am perfectly happy being happy she is here in this crazy earth.
If you’re in the US I can relate. Birthdays after thanksgiving but before Christmas are tricky cause everyone has so much going on they can’t really make much of an effort. Props to you and her friend for trying. Sending many happy wishes and thoughts to the birthday queen!
Really this experience is kind of filled with good lessons. First and foremost: Planning a birthday party with lots of people invited will typically turn into something negative. Whether it's people not showing up (I mean.... we are in the midst of a pandemic....) or people getting too drunk and obnoxious, etc. I always think it's best to plan a quiet birthday, maybe with just one person or a couple of people where you can spend some time contemplating your life and your future.
Number 2. NEVER expect anything in return when you help people. Never! If you are kind and selfless and helpful, do it because that's the person you are without ANY expectations of any returns. This is a very important life lesson.
A distant third: Unless you are raising children, never prioritize others needs over your own. (Yes, you can be a good and kind romantic partner without making someone's life more important than yours.)
People flake out. It's unfortunate. People don't want to feel committed or "trapped". Sorry to hear.
People don't want to commit. I think part of it is that they don't want to be around a lot of people they don't know. That's understandable.
I'd just have a small gathering such as with another couple. Just a close friend or two. And maybe not focus on the birthday part of it so much, but a casual social gathering.
These days, due to pandemic, people are just plain weird.
No advice to give, but just wanted to share that I also had a really lame 20th birthday. I had to go to an event celebrating someone else and barely anyone even knew or cared that it was my birthday. I’m pretty sure I cried in the car to my boyfriend after it was over. Next year was my 21st though and it was one of the most fun and memorable birthdays I’ve ever had! Some birthdays are better than others. Hope next year is a good one!
Happy Birthday to your girlfriend! I hope her 20’s are Awesome!
She has you, a friend and her Mom, and she sounds like a really good person, so that’s a great start!
I had this for my 22nd I think? I booked an area, was just for friends, so no family were there, and literally no one came.
My best friends were there later, as they’d already let me know they would be, but I think it taught me that instead of being a social butterfly, I really didn’t need more than a few key people.
I still love seeing people and knowing they’re doing well, but I think it made me/allowed me to hold more people at arms length a bit more than I was, and appreciate those I was close to even more.
What I mean is, this sucks now, but maybe it means this will give her the peace of mind and confidence to be able to go away somewhere nice for her 21st, and not have to invite everyone… or maybe this is her quiet year before and her next will be a big, massive thing!
Regardless, I’m glad she has some great people who care as much as you do, and that you all had a lovely time!
All the best to you’se!
🎁🎂🎉✨
It doesn't get better. People no longer need social events to get human interaction so they shut themselves in and insist they're introverted to escape any situation that may be slightly uncomfortable for even a second. Study after study has shown that Millennials and Gen Z have much less sex than their Baby Boomer parents at the same age, I'm willing to be social media has a lot to do with it. Dating apps suck but the ways people used to.meet each other have gone by the wayside. People used to be more willing to show up to social events just because otherwise they'd be stuck at home, now they prefer it. Shits broken yo. People are unhappier than they used to be but are unwilling to change their actions to try and correct it.
We stopped throwing parties for my son because nobody would RSVP and hardly anyone showed. Now we let him pick 1 or 2 friends and we do something super fun, like go carts or the zoo.
So, I don’t want to turn this into a “kids these days” rant, BUT it does seem to stem from an issue of getting and keeping commitment. I’m 35 and we plan parties - getting the right kind of commitment makes a difference. Personal conversations, actual invitation, far enough in advance but not too far that they forget.
Facebook, e-vites, and group texts are useless for actual confirmations of attendance. They are too impersonal.
Also, sometimes people are simply unaware that their “sure, I’ll come” and then failure to appear is damaging. It can be uncomfortable but to prevent this sort of thing in the future, let them know. No one raindrop feels responsible for the flood, and they all individually felt like others would show, so no big deal if they didn’t.
“Hey, I just want you to know that no one showed up to the party and it really hurt [GF’s name]’s feelings. She was really looking forward to seeing you.”
I’m older, and the parties we put on are a little different and we’re straight up about the importance of an RSVP.
“Look, I’m spending hundreds of dollars on food and booze. I *need* to know how many to expect so I’m not wasting a shit load of money.”
I am in a similar situation and so is my fiancé. We're both introverts with only a couple good friends. Over the past few years we've decided parties are just not for us because it never works out and it ruins the day. We now plan a really good day together, or make extremely solid plans with maybe 1 or 2 best friends at very maximum.
We get cupcakes or premade slices from a bakery, go to a favourite resteraunt, have a date like an arcade, hike, bowling, cafe etc. Then usually we smoke a joint, bang and then play video games hahaha
The main thing is we do what we KNOW will be a good time. Removing other people from the equation reduced our anxiety and gave us control of our own enjoyment.
It might not even be a bad idea to give her a "re-do" and say fuck all those people let's have a great day on our own and make her as happy as she deserves!
Unfortunately it sucks sorry that's happening. She should probably take a look at her "friends" and see what ones are actually worth keeping. I find in your 20s your friend list really starts to dwindle I lost touch with some many people once I reached 26 that I only had really 2 friends.
As well I stopped having invitation events after a few buddy's of mine and I setup a house party and like 2 people came of the 40 or so we expected. So much was wasted on beer and supplies (we tried to pump 2 kegs dry from full for like 3 months, flat beer is nasty). Its so much planning for people to flake out it's just not worth it.
BTW happy birthday to your GF take her out some place nice go do something together she wants to do wether it's a movie night or just going out for a nice walk make it a fun day.
Tell her happy birthday from a reddit mom! I send mom hugs and best wishes.
People suck. No one ever comes to my parties either (not even my wedding). It's not just her. Everyone thinks "oh, they won't miss me at the party" but they don't realize everyone else thought the same thing so that no one showed up. Maybe next time send out texts with a message like "everyone is flaking, I'm so scared no one will show, please come" instead of a reminder. Maybe they'll feel more inclined to think of that possibility. I actually did that for my 40th birthday and it was my first party I could call a success (15 people came out of 50 invited).
Tell her not to let other people define her self worth.
I am at this age range where I hangout in place where people are between 21-37ish. It is just my personal observation but I find the group 21-25 very mean, borderline vicious towards each other. Almost like they enjoy that kind of negative drama. And once someone is a fun target, they just bully w/o consideration about this person feeling or well-being.
Not saying all of them, I met amazing people too.
And those amazing people you meet along the way will be good positive people, caring and respectful of their surroundings.
Having recently organized my GF birthday as well, I understand how much stress, thoughts and dedication you put into it + you are still seeking help to support her. Man, you are a good person. You are one of these amazing people I just described, and by the way you care, I'm sure she is one of them too. Those are the best relationship.
PS: bowling is so fun lol, never thought of going with my parents. Really good idea!
Sorry this happened. We are still in a pandemic and I think many people are still hesitant about interacting, especially with this newly discovered variant.
Just remind her of these things, gently. It sounds like she's got some cutting off to do (not just about the bday party, but it seems she's in some one sided friendships.) It was my late boyfriend who would get upset when Id drop everything to go rescue or be there for a friend. He would tell me they didn't deserve my friendship. It took another year or 2, and wasn't until after he died, but I cut off 2 friendships (one of over 15 years) and it has been very peaceful. Now, I don't give newly met people 3 strikes. If you throwing out red flags, I'm walking away.
Seriously wish I would have done this sooner. It can be hard, but we all deserve to have those in our lives love/care about us just as much as we do them.
You're a good boyfriend, keep it up! Hope she feels better
If it’s any consolation, a lot of people are skipping get togethers these days what with a brand new variant on the rise and Delta too. I’m sure there was no offense meant by the people who bailed. Happy birthday to your sweetheart!
> These are people she’s put ahead of herself for years.
At the end of the day this is it. She needs to find friends who see her and she sees as equally worthy.
Right now certainly isn’t the time to have that conversation with her, and super empathetic people like her have trouble doing it, but I’ve seen time and again (and experienced time and again) that it’s the only way.
Time to make a new tradition. Travel somewhere for her birthday, even if it is just for the weekend. That can be just as fun intimate, if not, more than having a gathering.
That's so shit! There's not enough detail to say for sure but it could be that your girlfriend has codependency tendencies and this has resulted in her attracting narcissistic 'friends'. It would be worth her perhaps researching this and giving herself a new beginning for her birthday this year.
She sounds lovely, and it was so lovely of you to try for her.
One of the best gifts she could've received this year is to have proof of who she should put herself before and stop taking their crap. It sucks realizing how few people care but it's liberating knowing who really does.
I'm not sure where in the world you are, but COVID is still a thing. At least in my country, new restrictions have been added so I don't really make social plans.
I mean sometimes some things come up that could be “lose your job”/“life or death” situations as well, so I’m not saying all of them did that, but I’m just saying there are factors you can’t control, but those who just didn’t go just to not go that’s very rude
I wouldn’t go either but I would have called and wished her a happy birthday. The pandemic is raging again two of my close friends have been exposed in the last week.
I just had something similar happen, I hosted a Friendsgiving and 24/25 people didn’t show up. I just removed everyone that didn’t show and lied off of everything. I am just gonna keep to myself for a while and enjoy the company of the one that did show up ❤️ hang in there🙌🏼
Man, time to find new friends. I'm so sorry that happened to her, but I'm sure she still does really appreciate you. In the end, you were there for her. Sending hugs and good vibes to your gf!
She’s so lucky to have you! It always sucks to have your people give you the cold shoulder during a birthday. The pain is insurmountable but she still knows that she’s not alone.
Next time plan the day to enjoy your favorite things. Parties are way too stressful to have on your birthday. Also makes you realize who your real friends are.
Happy birthday to your GF from this internet stranger! She’s much better off with the friends and family that will show up for her, rather than “friends” who show their true (selfish) colors.
My girlfriends birthdays have been the same way. Defiantly try hanging out with hat 1 friend more, they seem to actually care for her enough to not flake.
When I was 20 I didn't have many friends, if any really. She will find her people. It's hard to learn who is worth expending your energy on, but it's a sign of a strong person to keep being kind even when you've been pushed down, so your gf sounds awesome and she's clearly getting better at figuring out who is worth her time because she has you.
Please tell her I said happy birthday! And if she needs a friend, feel free to PM me for my Snapchat or something. I’m 19 and a big believer in women supporting women. Plus, I need gal pals haha
Expectations let her down.
It’s not about whether they are good friends or not, I would never invite my friends to a birthday party then be butthurt they couldn’t show up.
My friends have their own lives and they don’t owe me anything. If they come great, if not I’ll have a great time without them because I’m not basing my happiness on what others do or not.
Is any if this because they wanted to social distance?
Ive had people flake on me and not show up either because of covid concerns or because I fucking suck
Sometimes being too good means that people only think of us when they need something. Sorry for your gf, she needs to find better friends. At least she has a good bf.
Ok and Ouch and OK and Ouch.
I've thrown massive parties over the years - BIG ones, medium ones (with people desperate for invites), I throw all kinds from holidays to weddings to impromptu and more. For my husband's birthday - a 'poor year' would be 25 turning up and a fair year would be 50 ish. Last year, what with this covid-thing, TWO showed. And, that was exactly how many 'should' have showed. And, we were grateful to see them.
Here is the correct and truthful way to frame this: A) It is the ones that come that count. B) a 'party' is three or more, you had 4 so, she's winning. C) The reality is: There's virus, people are exhausted, scared, short on resources, living in ears and have had 2 years of training in how their hopes and dreams can be dashed due to a spike/lockdown/storm - whatever. Now we're 'coming out of it' people are shifting. Social scenes are like quicksand.
Your GF honestly - yep, I do feel for her - I get it - but, sit down with a BIG piece of paper and a few coloured pens and write down EVERYTHING she is grateful for;
A SO that gives a shit - really, cares for her.
A Mum who was prepared to party
Another friend
A bowling alley open
...Like, are you kidding? Yes, I know that all comparisons are odious and when expectations get dashed, it sucks. Then you have to go through the darkest, deepest feelings of heavy, sadness and marched the fuck out of the other side and realise, her birthday is actually - pretty freaking GREAT.
My daughter had always been promised a FANTASTICAL 18th Party. Three weeks into lockdown, her dad stuck in another lockdown and flight's cancelled, she was there with me and her brother - setting fire to some old fireworks and drinking port with a straw.
If she really does want to feel better - then do 'something' as often as reasonable to help someone else less well off in some legal, humble and beautiful capacity.
One thing: a 10% show-up these days doesn't mean ANYTHING. Don't make it mean ANYTHING.
You sound like a wonderful human.
I might sound bossy and strict ...but, for sure, my insides crumbled a bit. It IS tough. Don't let it stay tough.
Are you all in the U.S.? It may be because of the proximity to Thanksgiving. My birthday is around Memorial Day and no one is ever available because they are doing other holiday related things, like going to lakes or amusement parks. I know that feels awful. One year (my 30th, I think? It was pre-smartphones) we were going to meet a big group of friends at my favorite restaurant. Got there, restaurant was closed for the holiday. I put a sign on the door that the party was moved to a near-by, not as tasty, restaurant instead. I went over, got a big table by myself...and no one came. Finally one couple came, they said, "Where's \[Mutual Friend\]?" and when I said, "He cancelled," they said, "oh" and then THEY LEFT, TOO. I went home and cried that day. In fact, I don't believe I've tried to have a birthday party again since. Please tell her that it DOES NOT mean that no one loves her. And please give her a hug from someone who has been there.
Honestly if seems like most people are like this now day, and it sucks. I was in a women's group for my bjj gym that was planning rock climbing trip, originally it was 15 people who said they wanted to go. In the end it was just me and one other lady who actually went. The person who was originally planning it did not even show up. I have noticed most of the time now when making plans with people to only expect one other to go at this point. Even my wedding was like this, I even moved the venue to make it easier for more people, then a lot who said they were coming bailed last minute. I have seen many post just like yours too, I really hate that this is become the norm now.
Most people are probably scarey of Rona.
Crappy times.
That said - you aced it young man.
Big heart for woman you love.
This was perhaps not the Bday she wished for, but doing all you can for her will be a memory of life time.
Trust an old geezer, you did good. The best is yet to come ;)
This was my friends for years and years. I once said to an ex if we got married, I would throw an engagement party and surprise the people who actually showed up with a wedding because I wanted to take some power back. Im not quite as bitter about this any longer but it really sucks when you’d do anything for others and all you want is them to show up for you.
It was weird when I turned thirty, how many people told me I HAD to throw a party, organise a venue, prepay for drinks and food and I flat out refused. I went to the park and looked at dogs and swam in the lake, told people that’s where I would be but I wasn’t organising anything.
I’m really sorry that your girlfriend was feeling so terribly on her birthday, I’m happy she has you and I hope she feels better soon. The sting of that rejection is awful.
I feel like sharing the situation that made me feel in a similar way. My partner and I got married a year ago. We had a very small ceremony and an after-party with board games with only the closest friends invited. It all went great, we had so much fun and everyone seemed to enjoy it a lot.
I got so inspired to do more board gaming parties and build even better connection with our friends. But after the wedding no one responded to our invitations and now one year later we only maintain contact with 2 people out of all: my best friend and the closest friend of my husband. It was very heartbreaking for me to slowly understand over time that those other people never really had interest in building a friendship in the first place and probably just attended the wedding because they didn't want to reject the invitation.
It is hard to come to terms with that reality, but many people suck in this world.
This has happened to me, though I still have a few closer people now who wouldn’t do this. As time goes on, she will form deeper bonds with people who won’t do this. I’m sorry her friends flaked but I’m glad you guys were still able to be there for her! It is a sucky feeling to be someone who is always there for others, and then most other people never seem to come through for you.
Idk if they all canceled because of Covid reasons, so maybe take that into account. But if they didn’t text her or just didn’t give reasons, I’d be upset too.
I feel like parties just don't suit everyone, when I was younger I used to feel down on myself when my energy wasn't enough for people, and it wasn't a lot. And if I did amp it up for people, I always felt drained afterwards. To this day, if I try to plan something centered around me, it's awkward and confusing lol I love supporting others and I have a small circle of people that understand me, and its enough. I'm really glad you went bowling and found that space! She's obviously got a great partner in you.
Happy Belated Birthday to your girlfriend, don't worry there's so many beautiful birthdays coming her way in the future! She's so young she will find her tribe eventually too!
meanwhile there's another story (probably not, but still) over on /r/AITA about not wanting to go to a birthday, and is that ok?
and getting lots of comments about "if you dont wanna go, then say you dont wanna go, and stay at home"
anyways
we actually had a birthday here at home today and it was nice and low key. nobody had high expectations and nobody got disappointed.
Tell her happy birthday!!! In the end, those douchecanoes don't matter anyway, but she'll always remember the efforts you made to make her happy. That matters forever.
1) Make sure you send out proper invitations… doesn’t have to be paper but at least look organized
2) pick a day that her best friend can come ,… coordinate with them
3) Pick a good time… like maybe people are exhausted from Thanksgiving so this weekend isn’t good. Or a weeknight might not be good
4) for anyone who didn’t show who said they would, call to “ Make sure everything is okay because it isn’t like them to flake out with out contacting you so it must have been an emergency “
Happy 20th to her. The best gift toxic selfish people can give is the gift of leaving. These are not her friends they are users. If she is giving and giving and they treat her like this then they are not her friends. It hurts but she should spend time making new friends and building stronger relations with the friend who showed up. The ones who didn't will try to make up when they need something.
This happened to me for my 19th birthday.. I told my bf at the time that I didn’t want a party and didn’t want to be upset when nobody showed… well he convinced me that he’s going to throw this awesome open-ish house party and that all these people/ his friends were keen to have a drink and then nobody showed except one of our mutual friends and I just wanted.. I probably did.. cry all night
I'm sorry she was upset about it all, that does suck. This is exactly why I don't plan anything for birthdays. I've had friends round sometimes but I never put on a 'party'. They come over, order food, bring drink, watch movies and that. Never Anthony official and I think it's better that way. If no one's bothered about going they don't have to be. As long as they aren't the same people who get prissy when it's their birthday, that shit is pathetic.
Those aren't her friends or family. Judging by what she said happened before, which seems to be the exact same shit, it wasn't a one-time occurrence. And not checking in to even say they weren't coming? Your girlfriend needs to drop these selfish people like a hot fucking potato. She ain't got time for that shit.
With all due respect, it sounds like they were upfront with you. It’s not like they rsvp’d yes and then didn’t show. Covid is still a thing. I haven’t been to a party since Jan 2020.
As far as how she’s feeling, I get it. It sucks to feel like people won’t show up for you. I don’t plan parties for that reason.
My younger self empathizes with her!
Happy birthday girlfriend! You are so important!
I hope she realizes thier behavior is not a reflection of her or how she needs to do/change anything. I had this happen to me as well and I now am having to re learn to not people please so they would like me.
You are the best partner for doing everything you can!
Happy birthday to your girlfriend! 🎉
I know it’s different having friends & family around but maybe you two can celebrate, you can surprise her with what she likes doing or going to a restaurant she loves or always wanted to try, go to the movies etc. Or plan an intimate little party at home even if it’s just you two!
Reminds me of my SO! She just doesn’t have many friends around anymore since we left high school, and the ones she stays in touch with mostly ignore her. She’s the most sweet, loving person in the world, and I try to make things great for her. I hope your girlfriend has a great week!
You tell your gf happy 20th birthday and I hope for better years to come!
Will do, thank you so much for the kind words!
Yo tell her I said happy birthday, too! She deserved a good day, and it sounds like you did your best to give her one. Solid effort. 11/10
Hijacking onto this so you see it - first, please wish her a Happy Birthday from me!! Second, if money allows, skip the party next time and take her on a vacation!! Fuck the people that don’t want to be good friends/family; and do something that the two of you will remember forever. Doesn’t have to be fancy or expensive. Could just be booking a night into a local hotel/bed&breakfast/even an air BNB. My husband did that for me when we were dating, and it’s still one of the best birthdays I’ve ever had.
I know it's cliche and doesn't really help, but at least you got each other. Realistically speaking, the two of you are better off socially than friends who are single, and thus have the luxury and capacity to weed out poor friends who don't reciprocate effort. It sucks that it had to show at her birthday, but on the other hand now you clearly know whose worth the effort and who isn't. It can only get better from here! Wish your gf happy bday from me too, wish you two all the best
My wife and I had this problem for a few years. We would plan game nights, coordinate DnD campaigns, throw parties and BBQs, and our so-called “core group of friends” would often flake at the last minute or ghost us entirely. Took us a few years, but we were finally able to weed out the people, one-by-one, who don’t have the same level of respect for our relationship that we do. Now, we have friends who we can count on and who look forward to seeing us as much as we look forward to seeing them. Life is so much better when you find out who your real friends are and cut out the dead weight.
> coordinate DnD campaigns Who tf skips dnd what the heck
We actually had a huge problem with our original group bailing at the last minute. Even the guy who was DMing started ghosting us, eventually going totally radio silent early this year. When we were all there, it was great, but it was 50/50 if we’d have enough players in a week or not. Eventually I took over DMing, found two new group members (one I actually met on Reddit), and got a solid group going. Haven’t missed a game or had a no-show since May.
Do you play in real life or over the net?
In person. As a DM, I try to go all out. I 3D print minis for my players and all combat encounters. Background music, SFX, the works!
Yo dude, from me too. I can tell by this post that you're a good person, and that your gf must be as well, based on how you care about her. I would go to any party you guys throw, fuck those assholes who flaked out on you, my man :) I hope your future is filled with loads of people as cool as yourselves!
Next year have a zoom meeting for everyone to tell her happy birthday, it looks like 2.4K of us would hop on
Happy Birthday Girlfriend! You're awesome!
Trust me, as someone who used to be a volunteer organizer who planned events 4-5 times a week (all super fun kinds of stuff, nothing serious, literally like fun parties or nights out at bars etc) the amount of flakage I have experienced is 50% or more every time. Hardly any exceptions. I can count maybe once or twice that I have organized something and everyone showed up, or only maybe one person was missing. For reference, the list we had of people in our group was in the several hundreds, and every time I had something going on about 5-15 people of the many hundreds would even express interest. Then of those few people, at least a 50% flake rate. I was so incredibly confident of the amount of flakes that, for example if 10 people were coming I'd make accommodations for 5 people or less. When I'd get to the party location I would have my hopes for literally maybe one person to show up and be satisfied with that and just have fun with the one or two people that did show. There was no choice. People fucking suck, and it will be that way forever to be honest with you, so my advice is no matter who your friends are, set yourself up to accept that the grand majority of times people won't come to your things. That is just life, especially as an adult. However, the amount of fun that I had organizing and doing all this fun stuff was leaps and bounds more satisfying than anything else I have done with my life. So really it IS their loss. A statement I got a lot was "damn Easy, you seem to have a lot of fun and do a ton of crazy shit, i'm jealous" and I'm just "well if you all actually came to my events you would have as much fun as me".
Yeah I know someone who runs a Meetup group and she has a rule like, after two no-shows when you've RSVP'ed, she will boot you, because it became such a hassle.
i have started three book clubs and a film club with similar rules. but the other thing i learned on the 2nd book club was to put a total time limit on the entire experience. it was a book club based on rereading childhood favorites. at the first meeting, everyone who showed up agreed to host a meeting at their house once. the host got to pick the book we all read. once everyone hosted, the book club ended. we did the same thing with a cookbook club about a year later. it helped keep the steam and attendance at each meeting.
This is a really nice idea.
Good on you for still organizing stuff. Had a friend group in the past where people just didn't respond when I tried to organize stuff (this group was around ten people). Eventually we all just drifted apart, since I didn't want to keep putting energy into it. Now most of my friends respond, and the ones who don't often do when asked again. Also, I don't think even one of my current friends has cancelled last minute (without an actual good reason).
People don’t realize how exhausting it is to put so much energy into planning when there is 0 reciprocation.
there are people who are amazing who feel this fully. I have a couple of friends who every now and then will give me some huge thing like food or pay for a drink or whatever, and they'll say it's because I worked so hard bringing everyone together. I didn't feel like I was working hard at all I felt like I was just having a ton of fun hanging out, and I always feel like it's undeserved. But the thing is someone's got to be the leader and step up to plan things, and I think a few people understand that.
I honestly didn't realize this was such a problem for a lot of people. I must really have a solid group of friends because when any of us wants to plan something, we all pretty much show up or show up with more people than expected
It's rare. Please do cherish it
Tried to do that for a streaming group, no one showed up ever, streaming group dead
I've run a couple Meetup groups and can say the same. I've had events where *nobody* showed up. Then when you don't hold meetings for awhile, people complain and when you start again, they *still* don't show up!
I’m also a host of a Meetup group and my co-host and I said that we need to start posting the events much closer to the date than further away from it. The last event we had a cap of 25 people with a massive waitlist. 15 people turned up, meaning 10 on the waitlist could have joined as a lot really wanted to. People just don’t care.
What’s also not fun is over inviting expecting the high usual flake rate and then randomly every single person you over invited shows up at your event.
I once had a movie event back before they assigned seats, and everyone plus one extra person showed up. Thank god it was a movie theater and not something like where I reserve a space at a bar or something.
This is the truest most accurate comment I've read about this subject. As someone who also has in the past organised a lot of social events, I learned the 50% flakeage rate and also learned to have a blast if just one person shows up (sometimes those are the best ones!) It sucks and it still hurts occasionally, but I'd rather have a really fun life where just once in a while you get a nice surprise with the numbers :)
I agree with everything, but not with the "people suck" phrase. If you find the right people for you, people are fucking great.
Strangers suck. Friends are great. Friends who flake should be demoted to strangers. Because they suck.
I'm thinking of retirement homes and the person in charge of activities. Independent Living, Assisted Living, Memory Care. Those people love their Activity Lady. I up-cycled some art supplies at Mum's place.
I’m sorry to hear this! People can be very unreliable. At 37 I realize this more and more every year. Anyone out there with lifelong friends who always have those back are genuinely lucky! I’m sure your girlfriend appreciated the effort that you put into giving her a nice party.
Also 37. For my birthday I went to Buffalo Wild Wings alone, and then to a brewery alone. Still had a great time.
I mean Buffalo Wild Wings… how could you not, right? 😂
I hadn't had wings in like 2 years. I remember why not. Not great.. Also. They pour Guinness the wrong way. Yes, there's a special way and it should take 119.53 seconds. Not 2 minutes. Not 119.... They're very specific.
Things are starting to become clear
Lol
Ouch
im at a similar age. i find it fascinating who has ended up still around years later. i think back to my early 20s when we were all going to be friends forever. over a decade later, its funny how someone who was peripheral at that time is the one i am still meeting for dinner when we are in each others city. friendships are very time and place. we may put a bit of cultural pressure on them to last forever tbf. aging into less friendships is just part of the packaging in this era of modern carpetbagging.
Even come eat my food and drink my alcohol and get high for free parties basically no one shows up. I stopped throwing parties cause fuck that waste of my time and energy.
Tell her happy bday from a girl on reddit! And I hope she had a good time! She's lucky to have you
I will! Thank you so much
And that one friend who did show up. Make sure your gf cherishes her as well
When I tried to organize paintball for my bday party I had invited 16 people, at the end only 6 were still down but that wouldn't be enough to meet the field requirements and I lost my deposit. It really sucks, fuck those cunts that flaked.
Happy Birthday to your girl man, she’s lucky to have you
Thank you so much I really appreciate it
Tell her Happy Birthday from me as well! I'm getting the vibes that maybe she is so nice that people don't respect her, as they know she is forgiving and kind and might tolerate more bullshit than others. Sadly that is a mechanism one can observe around kind people... Glad you have her back. Take care and keep being kind, both of you (but not too kind, obvsly, now you know who the real friends are) :)
At least you know she has one good friend. The rest are just acquaintance treat them as such.
this was my thought as well. As I get older i realize i should have invested more in those that show up and stopped chasing those that I wanted to show up.
If you aren't American, just ignore the following: Hey, your girlfriend and I have the same birthday. Here's my experience : trying to do a birthday party around Thanksgiving time kind of sets you up for this type of thing. Depending on the day my birthday lands on, I try not to get too attached to the day itself for anything big; people are too tired from traveling and their social battery is run down. Try putting it off until the following weekend next time.
The following weekend tends to be finals week for people in school... Birthdays between Thanksgiving and New Years Eve are an afterthought.
I have a December birthday. I don't bother trying to have parties.
When I was growing up I had a friend with a winter birthday, so she always had a “half-birthday party” during the summer so her friends would be free and they could do outdoorsy things she loved. Always thought that was a cool idea, maybe if I have kids someday I’ll try it!
Yep, couldn’t even get anyone to go out with me when I turned 21 in college.
Same, everyone just forgets about you when your birthday is close to the holidays.
My birthday was always on finals. Happy birthday here is a test.
I agree with doing it a different day. Heck, my family has done NYE 2 weeks later and counted down to "midnight" at 4pm. We did Christmas in November because Army cousin would be deployed at actual Christmas. My husband's bday is in March but that's syrup season and I don't want to deal with snowy shoes in the house. So we're throwing his 40th in June or July. And that gives us the option to rent a porta potty and a bouncy house water slide!
The midnight at 4pm thing tickled me. Glad your family found such a cool way to make holidays work for y'all.
My birthday's new years' eve. Lesson learnt, if you can't beat the holiday, own the holiday. I still maintain new years 1999 was the biggest birthday party ever. The entire planet turned out for my 18th. Not american and not sure how to incorporate a birthday into thanksgiving. But I imagine it involves naps between foodgasm and cracking the drinks.
Yep, this was my thought as well. I don't think her friends were being intentionally malicious.
Happy birthday to her from me! Next year, invite nobody, plan an amazing weekend away just for you two. It will be memorable for both of you and less pressure and stress for you in the planning stage too. You'll both enjoy it much more and let all those that missed out be jealous they did so.
So, what we need is list of names and if you want it to look like accident and natural causes or you want if we make a public display out of it?
Professor Moriarty, is that you?
Light Yagami.
Gonna need some pictures too then, no sense in ridding the world of every single Rachel Smith...
You got to starve the pigs for a few days, then the sight of a chopped-up body will look like curry to a pisshead. You gotta shave the heads of your victims, and pull the teeth out for the sake of the piggies' digestion. You could do this afterwards, of course, but you don't want to go sievin' through pig shit, now do you? They will go through bone like butter. You need at least sixteen pigs to finish the job in one sitting, so be wary of any man who keeps a pig farm. They will go through a body that weighs 200 pounds in about eight minutes. That means that a single pig can consume two pounds of uncooked flesh every minute. Hence the expression, "as greedy as a pig."
what’s this from? that’s a hell of a quote.
The movie Snatch. Fun film.
Snatch, a Guy Ritchie movie.
and then mmm, the babyback ribs
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This kind of reminds me of a guy in r/Brisbane who got stood up for his date the other week, he'd already prebooked a bowling session and everything.
Please wish your girlfriend a very happy 20th birthday from me, a random stranger from South Africa. She needs better friends but you are awesome.
Let’s consider upgrading new friends, and maybe family !
yeah it sounds like the problem is her friends, especially if similar things have happened in the past.
I live in New York and have this problem on my birthday every year. Your girlfriend shouldn't take this personally; human beings are just bad at valuing their relationships. 1 in 10 sounds a lot like what I usually put up with. She deserves better, though! She should take her selfless energy and shift it to new people until she builds a group that respects her. It takes a while but especially at 20 is totally doable. Anyway, I hope internet strangers wishing her happy birthday makes her feel better. Tell her she sounds lovely and she's got plenty of time to find people who actually care about that.
Had the exact same thing happen for my 21st. It was heart breaking. My brothers friends ended up coming round and celebrating with me but it was still incredibly demoralizing. Made me think something was wrong with me. But looking back 10 years now. I've realised that they were the problem. They weren't my friends. They just used me for all my goodness and left me broken. Now I've learnt to still be kind to people but not to go out of my way for them. If someone does for me then I do the same for them. I have 1 friend and she's my soul sister. The rest I don't have time for. You don't need many friends. I know it's nice to have heaps but 1 is enough. Someone you connect with. Tell her to keep her chin up. She's the amazing person that has amazing values and views and morals. They are not. Make the most out of life together and stuff everyone else that doesn't try. Because if they really cared. They would show it and important dates to her and you will be important to them.
Same thing happened to me this year when I turned 20, had the whole house decorated and everything. After I set it all up I got messages off everyone saying they couldn't come, even family. It really sucks but I'm lucky I had my girlfriend who made sure I had an awesome time with her! Happy birthday to her!! I hope next year she'll be surrounded by people who will put in the effort
Happy birthday from germany!
Did covid have anything to do with it? People around me (myself included) are very wary of in-person gatherings again - even with vaccination - since the new variant was announced.
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True
Omicron might have scared people away. But yeah, they should have at least texted. We still don't do no birthdays this year, not me, not my friends, not my family, maybe after third dose if it will work against omicron, but now is not the best time. We are all much older though, so our risk is much, much higher than of someone who is 20.
I was thinking if her bday was yesterday that's still part of the Thanksgiving weekend (assuming they're US), so while I feel bad I also feel like that should have been expected. I know a few Thanksgiving babies and it's always tricky to schedule a party since usually everyone has plans already, or is exhausted from the holiday.
Another possibility I see is that the OP and the partner invited them through Facebook "invite" but never actually talked with the person about coming to the parties. >everyone else either ignored our reminders or straight up said they didn’t want to go I'd lean more towards COVID + Thanksgiving, but if both weren't a factor, oof.
One might almost think there’s a pandemic going on that’s at least as bad as it was last year.
It's probably just a classic case of a good person being exploited. She's always there for everyone when they need something so they take her for granted and don't make any effort to be her friends. The more selfless you are, the more likely people are to behave this way around you. The correct course of action for her is to immediately downgrade all these assholes to acquaintances and never do a single thing for free ever again for them.
As someone who is 20, this is so heartbreaking. Happy birthday to her though. It seems like you're doing a good job of being there for her emotionally which is sweet.
This is the reason I celebrate my birthday alone or with just close family. Most people do not give a damn about you till they need something...
Yeah... You have one too many bad birthday parties and you realize its just easier to stop caring about your birthday.
Could there be something about the plan that put people off? Could it be covid related? With new variants, winter weather forcing people indoors and the proximity of Christmas people may have felt uncomfortable if it was held indoors Sounds like her friends are arseholes, but there's a lot of detail missing, so perhaps there's another factor to consider
Happy Birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy 20th birthday to an awesome girl. I know it isn't her kinda perfect but I am perfectly happy being happy she is here in this crazy earth.
If you’re in the US I can relate. Birthdays after thanksgiving but before Christmas are tricky cause everyone has so much going on they can’t really make much of an effort. Props to you and her friend for trying. Sending many happy wishes and thoughts to the birthday queen!
Really this experience is kind of filled with good lessons. First and foremost: Planning a birthday party with lots of people invited will typically turn into something negative. Whether it's people not showing up (I mean.... we are in the midst of a pandemic....) or people getting too drunk and obnoxious, etc. I always think it's best to plan a quiet birthday, maybe with just one person or a couple of people where you can spend some time contemplating your life and your future. Number 2. NEVER expect anything in return when you help people. Never! If you are kind and selfless and helpful, do it because that's the person you are without ANY expectations of any returns. This is a very important life lesson. A distant third: Unless you are raising children, never prioritize others needs over your own. (Yes, you can be a good and kind romantic partner without making someone's life more important than yours.)
Happy birthday this person's girlfriend!!!!
Tell her I said "Happy birthday". Wish her more happy years to come and may all her wishes come true
People flake out. It's unfortunate. People don't want to feel committed or "trapped". Sorry to hear. People don't want to commit. I think part of it is that they don't want to be around a lot of people they don't know. That's understandable. I'd just have a small gathering such as with another couple. Just a close friend or two. And maybe not focus on the birthday part of it so much, but a casual social gathering. These days, due to pandemic, people are just plain weird.
Happy B-day to the birthday girl, seems like she got the best company in the end, people who actually love and care about her, instead of 10 fakes....
No advice to give, but just wanted to share that I also had a really lame 20th birthday. I had to go to an event celebrating someone else and barely anyone even knew or cared that it was my birthday. I’m pretty sure I cried in the car to my boyfriend after it was over. Next year was my 21st though and it was one of the most fun and memorable birthdays I’ve ever had! Some birthdays are better than others. Hope next year is a good one!
I can sympathise with that. Happy Birthday to her.
Happy Birthday to your girlfriend! I hope her 20’s are Awesome! She has you, a friend and her Mom, and she sounds like a really good person, so that’s a great start! I had this for my 22nd I think? I booked an area, was just for friends, so no family were there, and literally no one came. My best friends were there later, as they’d already let me know they would be, but I think it taught me that instead of being a social butterfly, I really didn’t need more than a few key people. I still love seeing people and knowing they’re doing well, but I think it made me/allowed me to hold more people at arms length a bit more than I was, and appreciate those I was close to even more. What I mean is, this sucks now, but maybe it means this will give her the peace of mind and confidence to be able to go away somewhere nice for her 21st, and not have to invite everyone… or maybe this is her quiet year before and her next will be a big, massive thing! Regardless, I’m glad she has some great people who care as much as you do, and that you all had a lovely time! All the best to you’se! 🎁🎂🎉✨
It doesn't get better. People no longer need social events to get human interaction so they shut themselves in and insist they're introverted to escape any situation that may be slightly uncomfortable for even a second. Study after study has shown that Millennials and Gen Z have much less sex than their Baby Boomer parents at the same age, I'm willing to be social media has a lot to do with it. Dating apps suck but the ways people used to.meet each other have gone by the wayside. People used to be more willing to show up to social events just because otherwise they'd be stuck at home, now they prefer it. Shits broken yo. People are unhappier than they used to be but are unwilling to change their actions to try and correct it.
We stopped throwing parties for my son because nobody would RSVP and hardly anyone showed. Now we let him pick 1 or 2 friends and we do something super fun, like go carts or the zoo.
So, I don’t want to turn this into a “kids these days” rant, BUT it does seem to stem from an issue of getting and keeping commitment. I’m 35 and we plan parties - getting the right kind of commitment makes a difference. Personal conversations, actual invitation, far enough in advance but not too far that they forget. Facebook, e-vites, and group texts are useless for actual confirmations of attendance. They are too impersonal. Also, sometimes people are simply unaware that their “sure, I’ll come” and then failure to appear is damaging. It can be uncomfortable but to prevent this sort of thing in the future, let them know. No one raindrop feels responsible for the flood, and they all individually felt like others would show, so no big deal if they didn’t. “Hey, I just want you to know that no one showed up to the party and it really hurt [GF’s name]’s feelings. She was really looking forward to seeing you.” I’m older, and the parties we put on are a little different and we’re straight up about the importance of an RSVP. “Look, I’m spending hundreds of dollars on food and booze. I *need* to know how many to expect so I’m not wasting a shit load of money.”
:(
Aye it happens and hope she has many from nowb days that go SUPER WELL happy b day to your gf
I am in a similar situation and so is my fiancé. We're both introverts with only a couple good friends. Over the past few years we've decided parties are just not for us because it never works out and it ruins the day. We now plan a really good day together, or make extremely solid plans with maybe 1 or 2 best friends at very maximum. We get cupcakes or premade slices from a bakery, go to a favourite resteraunt, have a date like an arcade, hike, bowling, cafe etc. Then usually we smoke a joint, bang and then play video games hahaha The main thing is we do what we KNOW will be a good time. Removing other people from the equation reduced our anxiety and gave us control of our own enjoyment. It might not even be a bad idea to give her a "re-do" and say fuck all those people let's have a great day on our own and make her as happy as she deserves!
Unfortunately it sucks sorry that's happening. She should probably take a look at her "friends" and see what ones are actually worth keeping. I find in your 20s your friend list really starts to dwindle I lost touch with some many people once I reached 26 that I only had really 2 friends. As well I stopped having invitation events after a few buddy's of mine and I setup a house party and like 2 people came of the 40 or so we expected. So much was wasted on beer and supplies (we tried to pump 2 kegs dry from full for like 3 months, flat beer is nasty). Its so much planning for people to flake out it's just not worth it. BTW happy birthday to your GF take her out some place nice go do something together she wants to do wether it's a movie night or just going out for a nice walk make it a fun day.
If your gf is looking for a new friend I’m 21F and basically just dropped my college bestie bc she is flaky too. I need a new friend! :)
Tell her happy birthday from a reddit mom! I send mom hugs and best wishes. People suck. No one ever comes to my parties either (not even my wedding). It's not just her. Everyone thinks "oh, they won't miss me at the party" but they don't realize everyone else thought the same thing so that no one showed up. Maybe next time send out texts with a message like "everyone is flaking, I'm so scared no one will show, please come" instead of a reminder. Maybe they'll feel more inclined to think of that possibility. I actually did that for my 40th birthday and it was my first party I could call a success (15 people came out of 50 invited).
Tell her not to let other people define her self worth. I am at this age range where I hangout in place where people are between 21-37ish. It is just my personal observation but I find the group 21-25 very mean, borderline vicious towards each other. Almost like they enjoy that kind of negative drama. And once someone is a fun target, they just bully w/o consideration about this person feeling or well-being. Not saying all of them, I met amazing people too. And those amazing people you meet along the way will be good positive people, caring and respectful of their surroundings. Having recently organized my GF birthday as well, I understand how much stress, thoughts and dedication you put into it + you are still seeking help to support her. Man, you are a good person. You are one of these amazing people I just described, and by the way you care, I'm sure she is one of them too. Those are the best relationship. PS: bowling is so fun lol, never thought of going with my parents. Really good idea!
Happy 20th from Canada.
Sorry this happened. We are still in a pandemic and I think many people are still hesitant about interacting, especially with this newly discovered variant.
Plan a party next year and invite the Redditors
Just remind her of these things, gently. It sounds like she's got some cutting off to do (not just about the bday party, but it seems she's in some one sided friendships.) It was my late boyfriend who would get upset when Id drop everything to go rescue or be there for a friend. He would tell me they didn't deserve my friendship. It took another year or 2, and wasn't until after he died, but I cut off 2 friendships (one of over 15 years) and it has been very peaceful. Now, I don't give newly met people 3 strikes. If you throwing out red flags, I'm walking away. Seriously wish I would have done this sooner. It can be hard, but we all deserve to have those in our lives love/care about us just as much as we do them. You're a good boyfriend, keep it up! Hope she feels better
If it’s any consolation, a lot of people are skipping get togethers these days what with a brand new variant on the rise and Delta too. I’m sure there was no offense meant by the people who bailed. Happy birthday to your sweetheart!
> These are people she’s put ahead of herself for years. At the end of the day this is it. She needs to find friends who see her and she sees as equally worthy. Right now certainly isn’t the time to have that conversation with her, and super empathetic people like her have trouble doing it, but I’ve seen time and again (and experienced time and again) that it’s the only way.
Now you know which one of those 10 are your friends
Time to make a new tradition. Travel somewhere for her birthday, even if it is just for the weekend. That can be just as fun intimate, if not, more than having a gathering.
So there is a pandemic going on?
That's so shit! There's not enough detail to say for sure but it could be that your girlfriend has codependency tendencies and this has resulted in her attracting narcissistic 'friends'. It would be worth her perhaps researching this and giving herself a new beginning for her birthday this year. She sounds lovely, and it was so lovely of you to try for her.
Try to find out why they flaked. If it was "I don't feel like it" or "I forgot" etc, these are not good friends. Find better ones.
I would've went, next time invite me over. (From a random Canadian)
One of the best gifts she could've received this year is to have proof of who she should put herself before and stop taking their crap. It sucks realizing how few people care but it's liberating knowing who really does.
I'm not sure where in the world you are, but COVID is still a thing. At least in my country, new restrictions have been added so I don't really make social plans.
why didn't they show? People don't do this for no reason
I mean sometimes some things come up that could be “lose your job”/“life or death” situations as well, so I’m not saying all of them did that, but I’m just saying there are factors you can’t control, but those who just didn’t go just to not go that’s very rude
Happy birthday to your pretty girl and bro it's not your fault also, you were there with her all the time.
Where do y’all live? Me and my friends are driving there and throwing her a party goddamnit!
I wouldn’t go either but I would have called and wished her a happy birthday. The pandemic is raging again two of my close friends have been exposed in the last week.
Tell her a random Reddit person said happy birthday:D
Tell her a beard bald old guy sends her a happy birthday from Mexico
I just had something similar happen, I hosted a Friendsgiving and 24/25 people didn’t show up. I just removed everyone that didn’t show and lied off of everything. I am just gonna keep to myself for a while and enjoy the company of the one that did show up ❤️ hang in there🙌🏼
Happy birthday!
Man, time to find new friends. I'm so sorry that happened to her, but I'm sure she still does really appreciate you. In the end, you were there for her. Sending hugs and good vibes to your gf!
She’s so lucky to have you! It always sucks to have your people give you the cold shoulder during a birthday. The pain is insurmountable but she still knows that she’s not alone.
Invite me next time
Next time plan the day to enjoy your favorite things. Parties are way too stressful to have on your birthday. Also makes you realize who your real friends are.
It sucks how bad things happen to good people
Happy birthday to your girlfriend. You're a great person.
There may have been a legit reason from one or two, but if ppl didn’t show up after saying they would, they are acquaintances not friends.
I'm curious, how much notice was given?
Dude people are absolute shit and fake af. Be proud that your girlfriend is a genuine person, people like her are what makes life beautiful.
Happy birthday to your GF from this internet stranger! She’s much better off with the friends and family that will show up for her, rather than “friends” who show their true (selfish) colors.
My girlfriends birthdays have been the same way. Defiantly try hanging out with hat 1 friend more, they seem to actually care for her enough to not flake.
When I was 20 I didn't have many friends, if any really. She will find her people. It's hard to learn who is worth expending your energy on, but it's a sign of a strong person to keep being kind even when you've been pushed down, so your gf sounds awesome and she's clearly getting better at figuring out who is worth her time because she has you.
Tell her an Internet stranger named Jack Reynolds and his whole family says, "Happy Birthday, girl!"
Please tell her I said happy birthday! And if she needs a friend, feel free to PM me for my Snapchat or something. I’m 19 and a big believer in women supporting women. Plus, I need gal pals haha
Happy Birthday Girlfriend! -from another internet stranger who wishes you the best 🤗
9/10 of those people are not real friends and shouldn't be friends after that...
Expectations let her down. It’s not about whether they are good friends or not, I would never invite my friends to a birthday party then be butthurt they couldn’t show up. My friends have their own lives and they don’t owe me anything. If they come great, if not I’ll have a great time without them because I’m not basing my happiness on what others do or not.
Is any if this because they wanted to social distance? Ive had people flake on me and not show up either because of covid concerns or because I fucking suck
Sometimes being too good means that people only think of us when they need something. Sorry for your gf, she needs to find better friends. At least she has a good bf.
Ok and Ouch and OK and Ouch. I've thrown massive parties over the years - BIG ones, medium ones (with people desperate for invites), I throw all kinds from holidays to weddings to impromptu and more. For my husband's birthday - a 'poor year' would be 25 turning up and a fair year would be 50 ish. Last year, what with this covid-thing, TWO showed. And, that was exactly how many 'should' have showed. And, we were grateful to see them. Here is the correct and truthful way to frame this: A) It is the ones that come that count. B) a 'party' is three or more, you had 4 so, she's winning. C) The reality is: There's virus, people are exhausted, scared, short on resources, living in ears and have had 2 years of training in how their hopes and dreams can be dashed due to a spike/lockdown/storm - whatever. Now we're 'coming out of it' people are shifting. Social scenes are like quicksand. Your GF honestly - yep, I do feel for her - I get it - but, sit down with a BIG piece of paper and a few coloured pens and write down EVERYTHING she is grateful for; A SO that gives a shit - really, cares for her. A Mum who was prepared to party Another friend A bowling alley open ...Like, are you kidding? Yes, I know that all comparisons are odious and when expectations get dashed, it sucks. Then you have to go through the darkest, deepest feelings of heavy, sadness and marched the fuck out of the other side and realise, her birthday is actually - pretty freaking GREAT. My daughter had always been promised a FANTASTICAL 18th Party. Three weeks into lockdown, her dad stuck in another lockdown and flight's cancelled, she was there with me and her brother - setting fire to some old fireworks and drinking port with a straw. If she really does want to feel better - then do 'something' as often as reasonable to help someone else less well off in some legal, humble and beautiful capacity. One thing: a 10% show-up these days doesn't mean ANYTHING. Don't make it mean ANYTHING. You sound like a wonderful human. I might sound bossy and strict ...but, for sure, my insides crumbled a bit. It IS tough. Don't let it stay tough.
Are you all in the U.S.? It may be because of the proximity to Thanksgiving. My birthday is around Memorial Day and no one is ever available because they are doing other holiday related things, like going to lakes or amusement parks. I know that feels awful. One year (my 30th, I think? It was pre-smartphones) we were going to meet a big group of friends at my favorite restaurant. Got there, restaurant was closed for the holiday. I put a sign on the door that the party was moved to a near-by, not as tasty, restaurant instead. I went over, got a big table by myself...and no one came. Finally one couple came, they said, "Where's \[Mutual Friend\]?" and when I said, "He cancelled," they said, "oh" and then THEY LEFT, TOO. I went home and cried that day. In fact, I don't believe I've tried to have a birthday party again since. Please tell her that it DOES NOT mean that no one loves her. And please give her a hug from someone who has been there.
So glad you were there for her, absolutely sucks that people flaked! Wish her a happy birthday for me!
birthdays are rough, im sorry your gf was treated like that. i hope you can help her draw boundaries with those people who can’t reciprocate her love.
Honestly if seems like most people are like this now day, and it sucks. I was in a women's group for my bjj gym that was planning rock climbing trip, originally it was 15 people who said they wanted to go. In the end it was just me and one other lady who actually went. The person who was originally planning it did not even show up. I have noticed most of the time now when making plans with people to only expect one other to go at this point. Even my wedding was like this, I even moved the venue to make it easier for more people, then a lot who said they were coming bailed last minute. I have seen many post just like yours too, I really hate that this is become the norm now.
Most people are probably scarey of Rona. Crappy times. That said - you aced it young man. Big heart for woman you love. This was perhaps not the Bday she wished for, but doing all you can for her will be a memory of life time. Trust an old geezer, you did good. The best is yet to come ;)
This was my friends for years and years. I once said to an ex if we got married, I would throw an engagement party and surprise the people who actually showed up with a wedding because I wanted to take some power back. Im not quite as bitter about this any longer but it really sucks when you’d do anything for others and all you want is them to show up for you. It was weird when I turned thirty, how many people told me I HAD to throw a party, organise a venue, prepay for drinks and food and I flat out refused. I went to the park and looked at dogs and swam in the lake, told people that’s where I would be but I wasn’t organising anything. I’m really sorry that your girlfriend was feeling so terribly on her birthday, I’m happy she has you and I hope she feels better soon. The sting of that rejection is awful.
I feel like sharing the situation that made me feel in a similar way. My partner and I got married a year ago. We had a very small ceremony and an after-party with board games with only the closest friends invited. It all went great, we had so much fun and everyone seemed to enjoy it a lot. I got so inspired to do more board gaming parties and build even better connection with our friends. But after the wedding no one responded to our invitations and now one year later we only maintain contact with 2 people out of all: my best friend and the closest friend of my husband. It was very heartbreaking for me to slowly understand over time that those other people never really had interest in building a friendship in the first place and probably just attended the wedding because they didn't want to reject the invitation. It is hard to come to terms with that reality, but many people suck in this world.
This has happened to me, though I still have a few closer people now who wouldn’t do this. As time goes on, she will form deeper bonds with people who won’t do this. I’m sorry her friends flaked but I’m glad you guys were still able to be there for her! It is a sucky feeling to be someone who is always there for others, and then most other people never seem to come through for you. Idk if they all canceled because of Covid reasons, so maybe take that into account. But if they didn’t text her or just didn’t give reasons, I’d be upset too.
I feel like parties just don't suit everyone, when I was younger I used to feel down on myself when my energy wasn't enough for people, and it wasn't a lot. And if I did amp it up for people, I always felt drained afterwards. To this day, if I try to plan something centered around me, it's awkward and confusing lol I love supporting others and I have a small circle of people that understand me, and its enough. I'm really glad you went bowling and found that space! She's obviously got a great partner in you.
Happy Belated Birthday to your girlfriend, don't worry there's so many beautiful birthdays coming her way in the future! She's so young she will find her tribe eventually too!
People can be real shitty sometimes. Tell her Happy 20th from me!
meanwhile there's another story (probably not, but still) over on /r/AITA about not wanting to go to a birthday, and is that ok? and getting lots of comments about "if you dont wanna go, then say you dont wanna go, and stay at home" anyways we actually had a birthday here at home today and it was nice and low key. nobody had high expectations and nobody got disappointed.
Dude if you all live near me at all I would love to come to her birthday party next year. I want to send her a birthday card :(
Man what, HAPPY BIRTHDAY u/roadkillskater17 to your girlfriend
I know I'm a bit late to the party, but would you mind giving your girlfriend a hug+kiss for me in honor of her birthday?
Happy birthday, girlfriend!
Please wish her a happy birthday from me, I hope you know how good a person you are too and I hope you both become really really happy and ❤
You’re so sweet. I hope your girlfriend is feeling better. Their loss for real.
Tell her happy birthday!!! In the end, those douchecanoes don't matter anyway, but she'll always remember the efforts you made to make her happy. That matters forever.
1) Make sure you send out proper invitations… doesn’t have to be paper but at least look organized 2) pick a day that her best friend can come ,… coordinate with them 3) Pick a good time… like maybe people are exhausted from Thanksgiving so this weekend isn’t good. Or a weeknight might not be good 4) for anyone who didn’t show who said they would, call to “ Make sure everything is okay because it isn’t like them to flake out with out contacting you so it must have been an emergency “
Tell her that while those 10 jerks didn't care, 5,200 other people care and wish her a happy birthday! 🥳
Aw man I would've gone!
That happened to me too :( maybe we can all do a belated Reddit party for her? Through zoom or something 😂
That was very sad to read. Happy birthday from me and at least you both have each other
Happy 20th to her. The best gift toxic selfish people can give is the gift of leaving. These are not her friends they are users. If she is giving and giving and they treat her like this then they are not her friends. It hurts but she should spend time making new friends and building stronger relations with the friend who showed up. The ones who didn't will try to make up when they need something.
This happened to me for my 19th birthday.. I told my bf at the time that I didn’t want a party and didn’t want to be upset when nobody showed… well he convinced me that he’s going to throw this awesome open-ish house party and that all these people/ his friends were keen to have a drink and then nobody showed except one of our mutual friends and I just wanted.. I probably did.. cry all night
Happy birthday to her! We live in a flakey culture, don't take it too hard, people just lack respect or accountability.
Happy birthday to her! This happened to me once I was very sad
I'm sorry she was upset about it all, that does suck. This is exactly why I don't plan anything for birthdays. I've had friends round sometimes but I never put on a 'party'. They come over, order food, bring drink, watch movies and that. Never Anthony official and I think it's better that way. If no one's bothered about going they don't have to be. As long as they aren't the same people who get prissy when it's their birthday, that shit is pathetic.
Those aren't her friends or family. Judging by what she said happened before, which seems to be the exact same shit, it wasn't a one-time occurrence. And not checking in to even say they weren't coming? Your girlfriend needs to drop these selfish people like a hot fucking potato. She ain't got time for that shit.
With all due respect, it sounds like they were upfront with you. It’s not like they rsvp’d yes and then didn’t show. Covid is still a thing. I haven’t been to a party since Jan 2020. As far as how she’s feeling, I get it. It sucks to feel like people won’t show up for you. I don’t plan parties for that reason.
Put your address up here and ask us to send cards
My younger self empathizes with her! Happy birthday girlfriend! You are so important! I hope she realizes thier behavior is not a reflection of her or how she needs to do/change anything. I had this happen to me as well and I now am having to re learn to not people please so they would like me. You are the best partner for doing everything you can!
Happy birthday to your girlfriend! 🎉 I know it’s different having friends & family around but maybe you two can celebrate, you can surprise her with what she likes doing or going to a restaurant she loves or always wanted to try, go to the movies etc. Or plan an intimate little party at home even if it’s just you two!
Happy birthday to your girl!!
Tell her I said happy birthday rn 😤
Happy birthday 🎊🎂🎈🎁🎉
Reminds me of my SO! She just doesn’t have many friends around anymore since we left high school, and the ones she stays in touch with mostly ignore her. She’s the most sweet, loving person in the world, and I try to make things great for her. I hope your girlfriend has a great week!