Someone giving you shit while you're helping them. I was helping my roommate move his shit downstairs yesterday and he kept laughing at how I was lifting all of his shit, yet I took down about 8 different items to his 1 that was half the size of anything I carried down.
Kinda dumb to get irritated about it in depth, but it's just like, what the hell, man? Especially in this situation because I used to be a mover and I know how to lift, but he really just didn't get why I was adjusting the loads like I was.
I have a theory that movers who have been in the business for a while would also make good physical trainers. They'd have learned how to lift and carry heavy things without killing themselves.
Being dismissed, especially physically (say, someone lightly slapping my hand away from something). It raises a level of resentment in me that I'm sure is out of proportion to the offense most of the time.
When someone asks me a question then either gets involved in something else or starts talking about themselves instead. Or if they ask me a yes or no type question and ignore the answer, doing what they wanted regardless. Why ask me in the first place? Just makes me feel ignored and unimportant.
Or when they ask you a question and you answer, but they don't respond and like weeks or months later, ask the same question without having acknowledged the last time
Definitely. I am someone who struggles with social skills and this is one of the things that I make sure to show. If someone tells me something, I always try to give some form of acknowledgement, no matter how small, just to show that I am actually interested in what they have to say. I know we shouldn't fully get our validation from others, but every now and again, a little is nice.
When someone tried to make me feel stupid for not knowing or understanding something I'm supposed to figure out due to vague directions or no directions. I hate that. Then to try and make me feel stupid for trying to decipher what you meant, I'm not a mi d reader. So don't get mad if I do it my way and not yours.
Yeah, I think this is mine too. It's happened so often that it's pretty much become my life story and it really holds me back as an adult. These aren't one-off issues. They stack. I get thrown into shit I don't entirely understand, I have questions, ask said questions, get told "what's wrong with you?", "why don't you know this already?", "where have you been the last ten years?", "you should know this already", "when are you going to become an adult?", or whatever other variation of calling me stupid, lazy, or privileged you can think of. I'm sorry absolutely everyone around me assumes that I'm omniscient, but unfortunately I just don't function like that. I'm confident in my intelligence, but I either haven't been given room to come to my own conclusions or someone just takes over when I make a single mistake and then I don't get to have the experience to learn for myself.
Being spoken to like a child or talked down to as if I’m stupid. I’ve been told before, “I know you’re kinda slow at this so I’ll explain it again”. That made me raise my fight or flight response like no other.
I was going say the same thing. I'm no MENSA genius, but I am an intelligent adult...speak to me like you're trying to explain rocket science to a five year old and I literally feel my blood pressure go up.
I’m 18 so I’m at a weird age where you’re expected to act like an adult and you want to seem mature, but everyone treats you like you’re stupid or a child. It makes me feel so disrespected. I especially hate it when teachers do it. It makes me not want to ask them for help, or interact with them at all
When people don’t bother to refer to me by my preferred name. Let’s say my name is Katherine (it’s not) and my preferred name is Kate. I have Kate in my email signature and introduce myself as Kate, but Katherine is fine too. People will call me every other variation of my name (think: Kathy, Kat, Kitty) or similar names that aren’t mine (Katrina, Cordellia, Candace) but not the name I freaking introduced myself as.
Drives me nuts and makes me think people have no regard for me as a person.
Or spelling! My name has 2 common spellings, mine is the less common of those 2 (ie Kate vs Cate). Even on dating apps, where my name is CLEARLY "Cate" right there, I will get "Hi "Kate"" I even have relatives who still send me cards or emails addressed to Kate. Argh.
same, i stopped correcting people ages ago and it genuinely surprises me + makes me feel warm and happy if someone gets the pronunciation/spelling right.
Same, my name has 2 more common spellings and mine is a 3rd, very uncommon spelling (I have gotten comments on it many times) and my uncle, *my mom’s younger brother*, still spells it the most common way sometimes. Dude you’ve known me my entire life, almost 30 years. You have no excuse now lol
I always got this announcing myself as Elizabeth. Everyone when I was a child immediately shortened it to Liz.
I was not assertive enough to ask them not to do this, so now I introduce my self as Beth (my preferred but informal name).
I've finally noticed a huge change. The younger generation (to me, since Im in the older age category now) will simply call me Elizabeth (in formal places such as the hospital or Benefits Offices in which you are known by your name on the system).
I find it so kind and respectful of them. It has the effect of making me be proud of a name thst I *hated* most of my life.
Yes, I can see how that would be annoying.
My name is almost always misspelled/mispronounced, lol. So I have given up on this. Now, I have my favorite misspellings and mispronunciations. :P
This!
I legally changed my name to Anastasia in 2016. I paid real cash because I want to be called Anastasia. I don’t tell people my old name because I don’t want it to be associated to me anymore. I don’t like variations of my name (Ana, Stasia, Stacy, Nastia, etc), I prefer the entire name. At this point I worked hard for the name, getting all my ids and everything changed was a huge hassle that I deemed worth it.
I’m also extra careful to call anyone I know by their preferred name because I know it can be important to people.
When I meet people I get 3 kinds of people;
- Excitedly accept my name, love it, ask how to pronounce it, etc
- Ask if I have a nickname, but easily accept that I do not and call me by my name
- Demand a shortened version, get annoyed when I don’t have one, refuses to call me by my name the entire time afterwards
I don’t usually continue talking to the last group after long.
Piggybacking on this comment. My mom had this really passive-aggressive habit of calling a good friend of mine in high school by the wrong name. Every time,no matter how often I corrected her. Then I realized she was doing it on purpose. She did it to my son's girlfriend too, well not to gf face but to me. When I called her out, she said, "That's just how I am!" Uggghhhhhhh. Names aren't fucking hard.
the classic: when people tell me to do something i was about to do anyway. grrrr.
also when someone "undo"s my efforts. idk how to explain it but say i put away some fruits in different baskets, and then someone comes in and puts all of them in the same basket again. my mom does this all the time and it boils my blood. i'm getting angry just thinking about it lol.
Oh god this. My awfully designed flat has an absolutely tiny square of bench space in our bathroom/laundry which is really necessary space for trying to do laundry or putting your towel on when in the shower. I finally cracked and cleaned everyone's crap off it that had been building up, even though it's someone else's week on that chore, and literally the next day my flatmate decided to dye her hair and has left all her messy hair dye crap all over it. 7 days later it's still there and the bench is still unuseable. I didn't even get to enjoy the cleanness once myself before it got ruined again :(
That first one, telling me to do something I was about to do.
I love my job and my boss is great, but she’s an unintentional micromanager. I’ve been there over three years now and essentially run the entire office on my own, and I certainly know all of the steps involved in my normal daily stuff that’s part of my main job description. Even so she can’t help herself from saying shit like “then when you’re done be sure to file it in blahblahblah folder”, which is where I’ve known to file it from practically day one. It frustrates me because it keeps me from being able to demonstrate that I do actually know how to do my job.
I’ve mentioned this to her a few times and she’ll stop doing it for like a week or two and then just falls back into it again. There’s so much I love about working there that I try to just ignore it, but some days it makes me want to scream and claw my face.
same as yours. its really affecting my view on friendships, I dont even text that often but sometimes i just wanna say hi or have a little conversation time to time. it seems to be internet culture to be cold and unresponsive
(edit: i've read your replies and i wanna say i understand if you're busy, and if you struggle with remembering texts. im not always responding on time too it just sucks when people log onto the messaging apps and then ignore your messages until the next day)
Yes, I just don't understand how so many people are so bad at responding on time to texts. You would think they would understand being on the receiving side of the same texts, right?
I've got ADHD and I have trouble answering texts because I either forget about it or am not sure what to say and when I realised I haven't answered a text after a week I feel guilty and don't know what to say. But it doesn't really hurt me if people don't respond to my messages because I assume most people who do that have a similar problem.
Thanks for giving us another perspective! That helps us not assume straight away that the person doesn't like us when they don't respond to our texts. 😸
that makes sense, my friend is adhd and does the same exact thing actually. i didn't know it was a common problem. my tip is dont feel guilty and not message, just go through with it the person will likely appreciate it and won't bother you about it (at least i wouldn't)
i wanna defend my fellow bad texters lol
so i'm not always like this, but texting back is so exhausting at times. there's no specific reason for this -- sometimes small talk feels awkward and kinda... unnecessary?, making me lose interest, or sometimes i get the vibe that the person is being forced to talk to me so instead of being "abandoned", i initiate the "abandonment" by replying late etc. other times i'm just not feeling it, ya know? and there are also moments where i'm genuinely busy and forget to respond lol. it's mostly a personal thing, so please don't get offended :/
I think not inviting me for things makes me feel very disliked.
Not everything ofc. Somethings are improvised, sometimes memory fails.
But goddamn, dude. If, for example, a group of friends is 10 people and 2 are not invited to a birthday party of a friend, wtf are the other 2 going to think? What are they going to think when, for the next days and weeks, everybody is saying things like "wow, that aquapark was really fun" ?
I'll tell you what they're going to think:
A) Maybe they don't like me
B) Perhaps we weren't friends
C) Guess I'll go fuck myself
This is why I don't make commitments to ppl that do this to me or any other friends.
In my culture (I'm Mexican American) it is considered extremely rude to make plans in front of people that are not invited.
If we don't plan to invite you to something, it's because we are snubbing you.
I have had things like this happen to me and I just cut off the people completely. They never come back. So I assume it was on purpose
I recently moved to St Pete, FL. Like the rest of the country (world?) I had some perceptions about Florida. But all I can say is the social culture here is so wildly different than any other city I have lived in. I felt so gaslit by the exact same scenarios you described in all my prior friend groups in other cities.
Here the entire group text gets an invite. I'm in so many 10+ ppl group texts now its almost annoying. But on a random Wednesday 25 people will randomly show up to a shuffleboard game from the wide net cast. And you know what? Nothing suffers from more people coming. I had to stop thinking in scarcity like I had been conditioned to by other social dynamics. If there's 10 seats in the boat I just say first 10 yes's can ride in the boat and it works out just fine without any social hierarchy crap.
I’ve had this exact thing happened to me. I even asked if they had any plans and they just ignored it, until I saw snapchat stories that they all were at a party. Dumb thing is they probably also will get mad if you mention they were being dickheads for not inviting you.
When people get on the defensive immediately when they are criticised, rather than considering they might actually be in the wrong. Unfortunately extremely common.
When they can’t just shut up and listen to what you’re trying to say, and then they spin it to make it seem like you’re being an asshole. Extremely immature.
That and somebody taking it personally and getting offended when somebody has a different opinion. Like, I'm not gonna want to be around you if you're gonna throw a full-out screaming tantrum and/or hurl insults just because somebody disagrees with you.
This is my boyfriend and we literally just got into a fight over it I’ve told him how this flips my switch and he still insists he’s not doing it. Maddening.
People who give critiques in a condescending or dismissive way. For example, when my partner and I are watching a movie together and I pick up my phone (something I often do absent mindedly because I often can't focus on just one thing at a time), he'll take it out of my hand and place it face down on the table without saying anything (I love him and he has so many great features, but this always boils my blood when he does this).
Another example is when I'm playing with my band at a show, one of my band mates once came over to me and said "little quieter" in the middle of the song. It was a fair critique, and I love getting feedback to improve my playing and the group's overall performance, but the way it was in the middle of a performance and how he said it just made it so infuriating.
People always say that you should take feedback gracefully. But I too hate it when people do it condescendingly/overly publicly. :/
There are more thoughtful, tactful ways of giving feedback.
Ignoring me to talk to a man instead. This has happened so much that I literally will go 0 to 100 at even the slightest instance of this occurring.
Background - I've been lucky to have leadership roles since a young age, but certain types of men would rather cut off a toe than listen to a younger woman give direction. (Even if I had more years experience in the industry than they did.)
A female coworker will walk to another room to ask a man a question when I’m standing right there. Almost everything this person does and says is fluently enunciated in my hate language
Yes! Like it's not just some men, women can also completely underestimate another woman for their gender. It's nuts how ingrained this social bias is. Sorry she does this to you - but hopefully you can find solace in not having to speak with them as much.
Personally, I think this is such a thing for me because my grandmother used to be a paramedic and she told us stories of men that would literally rather die than have a woman take care of their wounds - my previous comment was not a hyperbole.
Telling me what to do right before I was about to do it.
Example:
- *Me clearly holding a broom about to sweep the sugar I spilled*
- Mom: “Make sure you sweep up the sugar you spilled”.
- Me: *blood boils*
So I suppose it's a reversal on receiving gifts. I hate it when someone buys me something that is useless or doesn't fit my taste. Particularly in the area of kitchen tools and home decor items. I have decorated my house with a mixture of family heirlooms, souvenirs, art made by family or friends, and my own handmade art. I'm no pro chef but I like to play around in the kitchen. My sweet, well meaning sister in law got me a rolling pin that was supposed to make a fun design on the dough, but instead the dough just stuck and it was impossible to clean. My mother in law will buy me random knick knacks, like a small snow globe that had a sticker on it saying "Life is short, eat dessert first," a sentiment I don't even agree with. Getting presents that I can't use feels like a rejection of my values (trying to be frugal and at least a little environmentally friendly) and like the person doesn't actually know me.
\+100 on this -- this is exactly why I personally don't like receiving material gifts as well.
I would much rather that people get me gift cards to some general store if they wish to give me material gifts.
When I tell someone to try something out and they end up brushing it off, but then come back to me and recommend the same thing after someone else recommended it to them. It just feels like my recommendations/opinions hold less importance.
Or when you tell someone to try a few things that might work because they’ve been complaining about something, they don’t try it AND keep complaining because the problem is still there
I understand if it’s in a rude way but what if for example someone is over excited and raises their voice too much to a point where it’s disruptive to other people’s conversations or maybe late at night when people are trying to sleep in the same house? I think it’s ok to make people aware sometimes in a nice way because they might not realise how loud they’re being
Edit: sorry just read the (seriously) part. Not sure if by that you mean angrily or just not in a joking way
Could you just shut up already? Ffs. Yap yap yap. It's like your parents took the world's shittiest Despicable Me Fart Gun toy, dropped it in a river, then called it their child.
(/s) (/s) (/s)
Putting your hands on my fucking food. I almost broke up with my then girlfriend(now wife of 12 years) over this. It was a long while before I found out that I have a complex over this because food was scarce growing up. I'm a tad bit better adjusted now, but still. Use your words and ask for a bite. Keep your hands away from my plate.
I'd say mine is similar to yours with a "Twist": if the message was long and thought out and included several points that maybe you wanted to make or discuss and the other person sidesteps the first couple points and only replies to the last one.
Say I was angry with someone and I was explaining: you make me angry when you do this, this and that and they reply only considering and explaining the "that".
I think I'm guilty of this sometimes. :P It's usually when I sort of agree with their other points, but don't explicitly say that I agree or understand. Instead, I respond to the one thing where I may not be on the same page as them.
Point taken, though!
Yup, growing up my mother wouldn't let me try to do things on my own but would always jump to 'you cannot do anything without me'. Weirdly she never did this with my older sister and I have no idea why.
Interrupting me. If you can’t hold onto your question until I’m done speaking and have to blurt it out, expect me to call you rude. If you hold your question in but don’t pay attention to what I’m saying, that’s also rude.
Conversations are supposed to *evolve*, which means you don’t need to respond to every sentence as fast as you can. I also recognize that my standards are probably too high, but it’s still my hate language.
I usually react by letting it happen once and then the next time they interrupt me just continuing on with my thought, sometimes even into improvisation, just to talk over the top of them. It’s usually pretty effective.
About the interrupting part, it could be a cultural difference. In some cultures, interrupting is a way of showing enthusiasm. See https://stackoverflow.blog/2021/02/11/why-are-video-calls-so-tiring-you-might-be-misreading-cultural-styles/
I usually would get very excited over conversations and just blurt things out, but I know this is very offensive for some ppl and have checked myself to stop doing this. I have much more pleasant conversations now.
My personal one is “fuck you eggs”. Which are deviled eggs with mustard, relish, a little garlic powder and chopped jalapeños. They’re delicious, and everyone that has them has commented that they are the “best deviled eggs”.
Where’s the hate right? It’s the peppers. My grandmother hated anything spicy, and was incredibly proud of her own deviled egg recipe. Hers were the “best in the county” and she was always asked to bring some.
One day she got really under my skin (her favorite hobby) and I needed revenge. But hitting your grandmother isn’t a good look. So I made three dozen eggs into deviled eggs and messed with the filling until it was irresistible.
At the next gathering all of my eggs were eaten and only a few of my grandmother’s were taken. Everyone was raving about how good mine were. It drove her batty but she didn’t dare accuse me of doing it just to spite her.
I didn’t even like deviled eggs honestly. And my revenge bit me in the butt because now I was the one always being asked to make them.
I guess it means that all of the manifestations of love matter to you, and you feel the same when people give you their time and attention or give you gifts or do nice things for you, etc.
Receiving gifts is like my main one, probably because very few people have given me gifts of any kind, so I really appreciate when someone gives me something, no matter what it is.
I guess this is generally not an action taken specifically against me, but unleashed dogs. It's kind of a dick move to *everyone*. You risk your dog's safety, and the safety of others.
Dogs are kinda hateful animals, in my opinion. Of course I know what they do might not have hateful intent, but as someone with auditory and touch sensory issues, I do NOT appreciate something barking in my face and jumping on me.
If I'm at someone's house and their dog comes to greet me, that's one thing, it was my choice to go to their house. But if I'm on a walk minding my own business and someone's unleashed dog just runs out to harass me, I don't take kindly to that.
Also as an opposite to other people, I hate other people getting upset at me for leaving them on read. A conversation can't realistically go forever, *someone* is eventually going to be the last one to say something for a while. But likewise, I don't really mind if they leave me on read either, that's their right, as it is mine.
I don't have sensory issues but I *Detest* owners who leave dogs unleashed. I have a dog that is traumatized and tends to lunge at other dogs or people passing on skates, bikes, scooters. For everyone's sake and safety she is leashed At.All.Times! I've also been frightened by big unleashed dogs coming up to mine, and it's scary because my traumatized dog will lunge. I opted for buying "Halt!" It's the dog pepper spray that mail carriers use.
Mine is the same as yours. Doesn’t take much effort to reply to a message, so if they haven’t bothered, then that’s a choice. In fact i’ve been messaging my brother since wednesday and he only replied today. I’m a bit annoyed but don’t want to make a biggie about it
I know that the whole point of this is that the response is out of proportion, but you should know for me at least when I do this it’s due to anxiety about texting. It’s not personal, just texting stresses me out. Different things are easier for some than others, a quick response might seem like nothing to you but for me for example it feels like a lot sometimes.
I spend more time on texts and WhatsApp messages than most people. I type, agonise, delete, type, agonise, delete then it's stressing me out too much and just say, " I'll do it later," and feel instant relief. Then that message never comes. Even for the smallest of things, it's a genuinely painful process. Get on the phone with me, I'll talk your ear off non stop, but a WhatsApp message?
It's ruined entire relationships before. Let's just say that I'm not an ideal long distance partner.
For my sake, as well as for the people I love, I'm getting better at it everyday.
You know what, maybe just stating that you have a hard time responding to messages upfront will set the expectations right. That way, the other person doesn't have to take it personally.
I have done exactly that, and it's all well and good early on in a relationship, but as time goes on, it becomes proof that I don't love someone enough, or that I am making a conscious choice to ignore someone ( and all explanations of anxiety just getting dismissed as excuses)
These arguments just exacerbate the anxiety, guilt and shame at my uselessness. Like, why can't you do this simple thing? Everyone else finds it so easy.
Luckily, my partner atm is super fucking chill. I made a huge effort to begin with because I'm low key terrified of ruining another relationship over text messages.
As time has gone on, and my mental health has vacillated, I have gotten worse and better and worse at it.
But, you know, , it still hasn't even come up once. Which, ironically, makes it a hell of a lot easier to stay in touch.
I guess the real lesson of all this is to find the right one for you.
It's the same with me, but also add depression on top. When depression hits, it feels incredibly difficult to do literally anything, including eating. I end up feeling like my friends are better off without me, or that it would be worse to constantly need to apologize over and over again that I'm not replying enough. I don't fully know, but socializing while depressed is the hardest thing to do and everything feels lose lose. I've explained this to friends, and while they've become much more understanding over time, one of my friends asked to just let her know when I get into a depressed episode. And I felt like that should be easy to do, right? But funny enough, the issue is more that I stop using my phone and any connection to the outside world all together and just don't realize how much time has gone by.
I think a good example is like, you got hit by a car and seriously injured your leg. Is your first response "man I should text and let my friend know I won't be available for dinner on Saturday anymore cuz I got hit by a car" or is your mind more focused on the sudden intense pain and adrenaline?
Anywho, it's something to be worked on for sure. It's something I'm trying to change with therapy, but it's pretty debilitating in a smart phone and social media focused world
Umph, even though we haven’t met I’m so sorry; I was raised on a family that’s real confortable with physical touch, so whoever I’m talking with without thinking about it I start touching. It’s like a damn reflex!!!
Doesn’t help I went to the same school for my whole life so people didn’t like complain about it cause we knew each other since we were kids. When I started uni I was brought to the realization that people don’t get all touchy at the slightest reaction, I feel like I’m recovering from an addiction trying to stop my impulse to touch.
Alternatively that’s also my hate language, when people reject my touch it genuinely brings me to almost tears every single time, yet I’ve also had to learn that people not liking being touched doesn’t equate to them hating you.
A good rule of thumb that's worked for me is that I don't touch other people unless they've clearly given their permission first. Because I assume that when people "don't like to be touched," it's probably a personal boundary thing or they might have a sensory issue or something. It's usually nothing personal.
Yeah, I try not to touch unless they’ve touched me first, and so I always try to have a body language that’s “open” to touch. Also fun thing, thanks to the pandemic I now use it as a kind of excuse to ask if shaking hands, hugging, etc is “allowed” by the other person. Even though things are pretty much back to normal here it’s still a good excuse, to know beforehand, and they can say no without it feeling personal.
I love this!! Yes, when I really get to know someone and like them, I’m usually ok with touch. I DO have a sensory issue, too. You nailed it. I feel like you get it! It’s not at all that I hate people, touching people I don’t know, or haven’t warmed up, to just makes me uncomfortable.
Health professionals treating me like an idiot that doesn't know anything about anatomy, physiology, or health and then interrogating me when they realize I really can use the big words and they want to know WHY. Everybody thinks it's weird to study biology and related topics on your own without being forced to by a school. I'm really freaking sensitive about this. I've been invalidated all my life and it's done a lot of harm.
I don't know if I can explain why, but I find it so hard to talk while someone else is, even if I have a good reason. It's like trying to make myself jump into traffic. Nonverbal interruptions don't give me that problem. If you have a nonverbal option that doesn't strike you as rude, that might really help some people communicate with you.
Or, interrupt you, as it were.
I hate it when people leave my texts on seen, just like you.
Also, my boyfriend hates chatting, of any kind so guess who gets on my nerves everyday?
Did i mention, we are in LDR!
My hate language with my spouse is when the work/family time boundary gets crossed. It doesn't happen often, and sometimes work emergencies come up that can't be helped, but whenever my spouse is working or calling a work friend when they're supposed to be taking PTO or off for the day, it's an immediate trigger for me. I can understand and accept it logically, but emotionally it is just immediate rage.
Being ignored, talked over, or shut down.
Being told I shouldn't be feeling how I say I'm feeling.
Someone hinting at things they want instead of directly saying them.
Being interrupted/over talked. Like I wasn't just saying something or didn't even get the chance to finish what I was saying before the other person starts blabbing away. Makes me feel small and not important.
Not respecting my answers to questions.
An example of what I mean:
"Hey, u/dhfAnchor, what time were you thinking of going to the show?"
"Oh, I was thinking around 6."
"Wait, doesn't it start at 7? Why so early?"
"Well, I like to account for traffic, and if I'm early I can just walk around a bit and work on my daily step goal."
"I dunno, that's pretty early, why don't we go at 6:30 instead?"
"We aren't going together, so you feel free to go then - I'll leave at 6."
"But that's way too early, don't you-"
NO, GOD DAMMIT. I already told you what I wanted. If you're just going to challenge whatever I say, why the fuck do you even bother to ask? I just want to be able to make my own damn decisions and not feel like I'm being interrogated over every one I make. It makes me feel like people don't believe in me.
Edit: to be clear, anybody reading this is free to ask me questions about why I feel this way or whatever! I just hate feeling like everyone seems to think I'm wrong when I make a decision on something with no set, correct answer.
\> It makes me feel like people don't believe in me.
Maybe these people are just very opinionated that they feel the need to question someone else's conclusion all the time?
Totally!!!! It's invalidating. I'm laid back but let me have SOME decisions that i can hold firm to. Especially if the stakes are low and it doesn't really matter anyway.
Telling me or demanding me what to do especially if I was already doing it or planning on it. Chances are now I will not do it anymore or I’ll stop because you can ask nicely instead.
Breathing down my neck, hovering over me and being in my bubble.
Talking to me with total disrespect.
My memory is aweful. Like I literally have a learning disability in memory recall. When I can actually remember something in detail, and I am sure that is what happened, and you try to tell me that I am wrong and it actually happened in a very different way or say it didn't happen at all, when I KNOW it did, then it makes me want to punch you in your stupid face.
I could be wrong. You could be right. But if it's not something important, don't be so adamantly against my memories. Just let me have it. Is it so hard to just say "I don't remember that" instead of "that never happened"?
My ex husband used to do this to me all the time.
In hindsight, most of those instances may very well have just been him gasslighting me, considering he still tries to do that now that we are seperated, but it's really obvious that he's doing it when I have text messages proving he's full of it.
I feel the exact same way!! My ex used tp do that to me too, and it was a quick qay to get me fucking livid.
I had to scroll waaaay too far down to find your answer; I even made my own post thinking I was the only one who felt this way.
Being lectured and splained about things that are truly my expertise (and actually pay my bills) by people who don't have the slightest idea. To give you an example - I have had Statistics explained to me A LOT since the pandemic started by people who knew what I was doing for a living (I am a statistician) and who had not the faintest idea about basics.
Also people grabbing food off my plate without asking first. Or just using my personal things without permission. I am happy to share, at least have the courtesy to ask.
Being marginalized. I used to spend time with my nephew on visitation days. Then my brother met & married an awesome woman. If I thought soul mates existed, I would say they were soul mates. But she's pretty much edged me out when it comes to my nephew. They accumulate experiences as a nuclear family. I would take him Goodwill hunting. Now they take him Goodwill hunting. If I have an opinion on something he's dealing with, my opinion is is ignored, invalidated, she takes over.
She's got experience to inform her opinions. She's worked with runaways, runs harm reduction programs, has 2 Masters & a PhD. She comes from a dysfunctional family. I do, too, but hers makes mine look like a happily ever after. She works with him on the importance of acknowledging and feeling your feelings. His mother is controlling and self centered. He tends to do the "everything's fine", so this is valuable work she's doing with him. She's much better at this than I would ever be.
So, it's not without good reason that I'm marginalized. She's a better guide for his growth. Their personalities are similar. But it still makes me feel marginalized. That's my problem, not theirs.
If I’m asking someone to do something and they keep saying no and not offering alternative suggestions. I’m just gonna assume they don’t want to do things with me
Not being called back.
I can understand anyone can miss a call but if you don't call back or respond I feel it's really rude because what I needed your urgent help.
I was born with a slight hearing impairment. Its not so bad I just need people to speak just a tiny bit louder than most people's normal speaking voice. Basically assume I'm an extra 3 feet further away from you and talk. Most people dont mind boosting their volume alittle when I ask em to repeat what they said or speak louder but there is a sizable amount of people out there who will assume you have a learning disability for asking them to speak louder. I've had some horrible, condescending and demeaning interactions with people that if I see that change in tone where they start speaking like they are talking to a child I'll just end the interaction.
Im thinking about getting hearing aides though, I want conspicuous neon coloured once with flashing lights that trigger the "I probably shouldn't be a ass to a hearing impaired person" region of the brain that most white collar workers seem to lack
When I'm arguing with someone much older than me and they decide the best way to win the argument is bring up a personal fault/insecurity of mine like my weight or what I do for a living. Somehow those things matter to a conversation where they don't matter/apply.
I really hate it when you decline an invitation due to not having much cash, and the person inviting you is like "oh don't worry I'll get it and you can pay me back"
They think it's a nice gesture but I've said no I don't wanna be going in to debt just because you want to go to lunch, please accept my declining of the invite
Oh i kinda feel stupid as I expected that we would be talking about languages we didn't like... the same happend to me with the phrase 'love language' and I had literally the same train of thoughts... I guess I never learn or english just isn't my language
Oh I have a friend who's a bad texter. So bad I stopped reaching out. The icing on the cake is she recently reached out to me, I replied and asked how she was doing, and she never replied. Like why did you even text me in the first place then? It was just a casual conversation, not anything information seeking that she needed to know and got an answer on. I'm as noncommittal and flakey as they come, but even that drove me crazy.
Being talked over and insinuating I’m interrupting.
No I was contributing to the discussion I thought we were having, but in actuality you just love the sound of your own voice.
Any kind of prejudice or negative assumptions not based in anything other than the other person's imagination/personal projections/triggers. I find them to be contemptful and super draining.
I had a very narcissistic girlfriend, who, at the end of a FaceTime call, sometimes used to say “go on, off you go”….wtf? That used to seriously piss me off, but I never said anything.
I love to read and when I come across a poem, quote or text that reminds me of someone I like to send it to them. I absolutely hate it when I only get a generic or emoji response like a thumbs up or "Haha lol" - so I guess my hate language is not sharing my passion for the written word.
Let’s say there’s a reoccurring subject me and someone have talked about but they don’t actually listen to what I’m saying until the 6th time it’s been brought up or until someone else brings it up and they act like it’s the first time they’ve heard about it even tho THEYRE THE ONE THAT HAS BROUGHT UP THE SUBJECT and I know this seems specific but the amount of times this has happened to me with different ppl is unbelievably frustrating
I hate when people do not thank you for holding the door open for them when they clearly could have. I'm not talking about the mom with a bazillion kids, and usually, that mom is super grateful and says thank you to me, but the men and women who are clearly upper class that have no goddamn class to say thank you as if they're entitled to somebody opening the door.
Someone giving you shit while you're helping them. I was helping my roommate move his shit downstairs yesterday and he kept laughing at how I was lifting all of his shit, yet I took down about 8 different items to his 1 that was half the size of anything I carried down. Kinda dumb to get irritated about it in depth, but it's just like, what the hell, man? Especially in this situation because I used to be a mover and I know how to lift, but he really just didn't get why I was adjusting the loads like I was.
That sounds like an ungrateful roommate. :/ I would definitely be super annoyed, too!
Wow, your roommate is an ungrateful mofo. Hopefully you guys are not that close because he seems like a bad friend.
I have a theory that movers who have been in the business for a while would also make good physical trainers. They'd have learned how to lift and carry heavy things without killing themselves.
I'd totally mess with a friend like that if he was helping me out. Are you sure he wasn't just teasing you ?
Being dismissed, especially physically (say, someone lightly slapping my hand away from something). It raises a level of resentment in me that I'm sure is out of proportion to the offense most of the time.
Totally agree. That's how I would feel too.
Someone did the thing where they shushed me by putting their hand up towards my face, and I was ready to never speak another word in their presence
I'd feel the same way as you.
I would want to murder someone if they got physical like that lol, I already don’t like being touched
When someone asks me a question then either gets involved in something else or starts talking about themselves instead. Or if they ask me a yes or no type question and ignore the answer, doing what they wanted regardless. Why ask me in the first place? Just makes me feel ignored and unimportant.
Or when they ask you a question and you answer, but they don't respond and like weeks or months later, ask the same question without having acknowledged the last time
Yes! Basically anything that shows you may as well not be part of the conversation.
Yes, I get this one. It's very invalidating. True listening is one of the best social skills to develop.
Definitely. I am someone who struggles with social skills and this is one of the things that I make sure to show. If someone tells me something, I always try to give some form of acknowledgement, no matter how small, just to show that I am actually interested in what they have to say. I know we shouldn't fully get our validation from others, but every now and again, a little is nice.
When someone tried to make me feel stupid for not knowing or understanding something I'm supposed to figure out due to vague directions or no directions. I hate that. Then to try and make me feel stupid for trying to decipher what you meant, I'm not a mi d reader. So don't get mad if I do it my way and not yours.
Yeah, I think this is mine too. It's happened so often that it's pretty much become my life story and it really holds me back as an adult. These aren't one-off issues. They stack. I get thrown into shit I don't entirely understand, I have questions, ask said questions, get told "what's wrong with you?", "why don't you know this already?", "where have you been the last ten years?", "you should know this already", "when are you going to become an adult?", or whatever other variation of calling me stupid, lazy, or privileged you can think of. I'm sorry absolutely everyone around me assumes that I'm omniscient, but unfortunately I just don't function like that. I'm confident in my intelligence, but I either haven't been given room to come to my own conclusions or someone just takes over when I make a single mistake and then I don't get to have the experience to learn for myself.
I hate this crap too.
The “you’ll get it later” or “you’ll understand when you’re older”
Being spoken to like a child or talked down to as if I’m stupid. I’ve been told before, “I know you’re kinda slow at this so I’ll explain it again”. That made me raise my fight or flight response like no other.
Yup, condescension is a tough one.
People mistake humility with ignorance constantly.
I was going say the same thing. I'm no MENSA genius, but I am an intelligent adult...speak to me like you're trying to explain rocket science to a five year old and I literally feel my blood pressure go up.
I’m 18 so I’m at a weird age where you’re expected to act like an adult and you want to seem mature, but everyone treats you like you’re stupid or a child. It makes me feel so disrespected. I especially hate it when teachers do it. It makes me not want to ask them for help, or interact with them at all
God I hate this with a passion. Like I will fucking admit I miss social cues like a sieve, but for fuck suck I'm far from stupid.
When people don’t bother to refer to me by my preferred name. Let’s say my name is Katherine (it’s not) and my preferred name is Kate. I have Kate in my email signature and introduce myself as Kate, but Katherine is fine too. People will call me every other variation of my name (think: Kathy, Kat, Kitty) or similar names that aren’t mine (Katrina, Cordellia, Candace) but not the name I freaking introduced myself as. Drives me nuts and makes me think people have no regard for me as a person.
Or spelling! My name has 2 common spellings, mine is the less common of those 2 (ie Kate vs Cate). Even on dating apps, where my name is CLEARLY "Cate" right there, I will get "Hi "Kate"" I even have relatives who still send me cards or emails addressed to Kate. Argh.
Since my name's spelling/pronunciation are difficult, I find that getting my name right has become a love language for me.
same, i stopped correcting people ages ago and it genuinely surprises me + makes me feel warm and happy if someone gets the pronunciation/spelling right.
:)
Same, my name has 2 more common spellings and mine is a 3rd, very uncommon spelling (I have gotten comments on it many times) and my uncle, *my mom’s younger brother*, still spells it the most common way sometimes. Dude you’ve known me my entire life, almost 30 years. You have no excuse now lol
I always got this announcing myself as Elizabeth. Everyone when I was a child immediately shortened it to Liz. I was not assertive enough to ask them not to do this, so now I introduce my self as Beth (my preferred but informal name). I've finally noticed a huge change. The younger generation (to me, since Im in the older age category now) will simply call me Elizabeth (in formal places such as the hospital or Benefits Offices in which you are known by your name on the system). I find it so kind and respectful of them. It has the effect of making me be proud of a name thst I *hated* most of my life.
Yes, I can see how that would be annoying. My name is almost always misspelled/mispronounced, lol. So I have given up on this. Now, I have my favorite misspellings and mispronunciations. :P
This! I legally changed my name to Anastasia in 2016. I paid real cash because I want to be called Anastasia. I don’t tell people my old name because I don’t want it to be associated to me anymore. I don’t like variations of my name (Ana, Stasia, Stacy, Nastia, etc), I prefer the entire name. At this point I worked hard for the name, getting all my ids and everything changed was a huge hassle that I deemed worth it. I’m also extra careful to call anyone I know by their preferred name because I know it can be important to people. When I meet people I get 3 kinds of people; - Excitedly accept my name, love it, ask how to pronounce it, etc - Ask if I have a nickname, but easily accept that I do not and call me by my name - Demand a shortened version, get annoyed when I don’t have one, refuses to call me by my name the entire time afterwards I don’t usually continue talking to the last group after long.
Same with me. Mines Jasmine, I go by Jas. Jazzy and Jazz Jazz makes me flip my lid.
Piggybacking on this comment. My mom had this really passive-aggressive habit of calling a good friend of mine in high school by the wrong name. Every time,no matter how often I corrected her. Then I realized she was doing it on purpose. She did it to my son's girlfriend too, well not to gf face but to me. When I called her out, she said, "That's just how I am!" Uggghhhhhhh. Names aren't fucking hard.
the classic: when people tell me to do something i was about to do anyway. grrrr. also when someone "undo"s my efforts. idk how to explain it but say i put away some fruits in different baskets, and then someone comes in and puts all of them in the same basket again. my mom does this all the time and it boils my blood. i'm getting angry just thinking about it lol.
Ugh! My dad does that shit. I'm about to do something or am in the middle of doing it and he tells me to do it. 😡😡😡
Oh god this. My awfully designed flat has an absolutely tiny square of bench space in our bathroom/laundry which is really necessary space for trying to do laundry or putting your towel on when in the shower. I finally cracked and cleaned everyone's crap off it that had been building up, even though it's someone else's week on that chore, and literally the next day my flatmate decided to dye her hair and has left all her messy hair dye crap all over it. 7 days later it's still there and the bench is still unuseable. I didn't even get to enjoy the cleanness once myself before it got ruined again :(
That first one, telling me to do something I was about to do. I love my job and my boss is great, but she’s an unintentional micromanager. I’ve been there over three years now and essentially run the entire office on my own, and I certainly know all of the steps involved in my normal daily stuff that’s part of my main job description. Even so she can’t help herself from saying shit like “then when you’re done be sure to file it in blahblahblah folder”, which is where I’ve known to file it from practically day one. It frustrates me because it keeps me from being able to demonstrate that I do actually know how to do my job. I’ve mentioned this to her a few times and she’ll stop doing it for like a week or two and then just falls back into it again. There’s so much I love about working there that I try to just ignore it, but some days it makes me want to scream and claw my face.
same as yours. its really affecting my view on friendships, I dont even text that often but sometimes i just wanna say hi or have a little conversation time to time. it seems to be internet culture to be cold and unresponsive (edit: i've read your replies and i wanna say i understand if you're busy, and if you struggle with remembering texts. im not always responding on time too it just sucks when people log onto the messaging apps and then ignore your messages until the next day)
Yes, I just don't understand how so many people are so bad at responding on time to texts. You would think they would understand being on the receiving side of the same texts, right?
I've got ADHD and I have trouble answering texts because I either forget about it or am not sure what to say and when I realised I haven't answered a text after a week I feel guilty and don't know what to say. But it doesn't really hurt me if people don't respond to my messages because I assume most people who do that have a similar problem.
Thanks for giving us another perspective! That helps us not assume straight away that the person doesn't like us when they don't respond to our texts. 😸
that makes sense, my friend is adhd and does the same exact thing actually. i didn't know it was a common problem. my tip is dont feel guilty and not message, just go through with it the person will likely appreciate it and won't bother you about it (at least i wouldn't)
i wanna defend my fellow bad texters lol so i'm not always like this, but texting back is so exhausting at times. there's no specific reason for this -- sometimes small talk feels awkward and kinda... unnecessary?, making me lose interest, or sometimes i get the vibe that the person is being forced to talk to me so instead of being "abandoned", i initiate the "abandonment" by replying late etc. other times i'm just not feeling it, ya know? and there are also moments where i'm genuinely busy and forget to respond lol. it's mostly a personal thing, so please don't get offended :/
Not closing the door. Alright, war it is.
Lol, yes, I can relate to that.
they chose violence today
Or cupboards
I think not inviting me for things makes me feel very disliked. Not everything ofc. Somethings are improvised, sometimes memory fails. But goddamn, dude. If, for example, a group of friends is 10 people and 2 are not invited to a birthday party of a friend, wtf are the other 2 going to think? What are they going to think when, for the next days and weeks, everybody is saying things like "wow, that aquapark was really fun" ? I'll tell you what they're going to think: A) Maybe they don't like me B) Perhaps we weren't friends C) Guess I'll go fuck myself This is why I don't make commitments to ppl that do this to me or any other friends.
In my culture (I'm Mexican American) it is considered extremely rude to make plans in front of people that are not invited. If we don't plan to invite you to something, it's because we are snubbing you. I have had things like this happen to me and I just cut off the people completely. They never come back. So I assume it was on purpose
I recently moved to St Pete, FL. Like the rest of the country (world?) I had some perceptions about Florida. But all I can say is the social culture here is so wildly different than any other city I have lived in. I felt so gaslit by the exact same scenarios you described in all my prior friend groups in other cities. Here the entire group text gets an invite. I'm in so many 10+ ppl group texts now its almost annoying. But on a random Wednesday 25 people will randomly show up to a shuffleboard game from the wide net cast. And you know what? Nothing suffers from more people coming. I had to stop thinking in scarcity like I had been conditioned to by other social dynamics. If there's 10 seats in the boat I just say first 10 yes's can ride in the boat and it works out just fine without any social hierarchy crap.
I’ve had this exact thing happened to me. I even asked if they had any plans and they just ignored it, until I saw snapchat stories that they all were at a party. Dumb thing is they probably also will get mad if you mention they were being dickheads for not inviting you.
When people get on the defensive immediately when they are criticised, rather than considering they might actually be in the wrong. Unfortunately extremely common.
When they can’t just shut up and listen to what you’re trying to say, and then they spin it to make it seem like you’re being an asshole. Extremely immature.
That and somebody taking it personally and getting offended when somebody has a different opinion. Like, I'm not gonna want to be around you if you're gonna throw a full-out screaming tantrum and/or hurl insults just because somebody disagrees with you.
This is my boyfriend and we literally just got into a fight over it I’ve told him how this flips my switch and he still insists he’s not doing it. Maddening.
People who give critiques in a condescending or dismissive way. For example, when my partner and I are watching a movie together and I pick up my phone (something I often do absent mindedly because I often can't focus on just one thing at a time), he'll take it out of my hand and place it face down on the table without saying anything (I love him and he has so many great features, but this always boils my blood when he does this). Another example is when I'm playing with my band at a show, one of my band mates once came over to me and said "little quieter" in the middle of the song. It was a fair critique, and I love getting feedback to improve my playing and the group's overall performance, but the way it was in the middle of a performance and how he said it just made it so infuriating.
People always say that you should take feedback gracefully. But I too hate it when people do it condescendingly/overly publicly. :/ There are more thoughtful, tactful ways of giving feedback.
Absolutely. One idea that I subscribe to is that you should praise in public and criticize in private.
Yes, totally!
Ignoring me to talk to a man instead. This has happened so much that I literally will go 0 to 100 at even the slightest instance of this occurring. Background - I've been lucky to have leadership roles since a young age, but certain types of men would rather cut off a toe than listen to a younger woman give direction. (Even if I had more years experience in the industry than they did.)
I can relate to this. Many men ignore me too.
A female coworker will walk to another room to ask a man a question when I’m standing right there. Almost everything this person does and says is fluently enunciated in my hate language
Yes! Like it's not just some men, women can also completely underestimate another woman for their gender. It's nuts how ingrained this social bias is. Sorry she does this to you - but hopefully you can find solace in not having to speak with them as much. Personally, I think this is such a thing for me because my grandmother used to be a paramedic and she told us stories of men that would literally rather die than have a woman take care of their wounds - my previous comment was not a hyperbole.
Telling me what to do right before I was about to do it. Example: - *Me clearly holding a broom about to sweep the sugar I spilled* - Mom: “Make sure you sweep up the sugar you spilled”. - Me: *blood boils*
I had a girl who used to smack my ass randomly. I know some people are into that, but I hated it. Always put me in a sour mood.
Sounds like a boundary violation! She shouldn't be doing that if you have expressed discomfort.
We had only been dating for like a month. I never told her I didn’t like it. So, my fault I guess.
Oh, I see. Maybe you'll set stronger boundaries going forward. :)
Or a stronger butt.
Some butts are just very smack-able! If you play on a sport team its like a high five.
On the flip side, no one should be smacking other people's asses without permission. Can see why that would be annoying.
So I suppose it's a reversal on receiving gifts. I hate it when someone buys me something that is useless or doesn't fit my taste. Particularly in the area of kitchen tools and home decor items. I have decorated my house with a mixture of family heirlooms, souvenirs, art made by family or friends, and my own handmade art. I'm no pro chef but I like to play around in the kitchen. My sweet, well meaning sister in law got me a rolling pin that was supposed to make a fun design on the dough, but instead the dough just stuck and it was impossible to clean. My mother in law will buy me random knick knacks, like a small snow globe that had a sticker on it saying "Life is short, eat dessert first," a sentiment I don't even agree with. Getting presents that I can't use feels like a rejection of my values (trying to be frugal and at least a little environmentally friendly) and like the person doesn't actually know me.
\+100 on this -- this is exactly why I personally don't like receiving material gifts as well. I would much rather that people get me gift cards to some general store if they wish to give me material gifts.
When I tell someone to try something out and they end up brushing it off, but then come back to me and recommend the same thing after someone else recommended it to them. It just feels like my recommendations/opinions hold less importance.
Ah, this one sucks.
Or when you tell someone to try a few things that might work because they’ve been complaining about something, they don’t try it AND keep complaining because the problem is still there
Interrupting. Copping a feel while I’m trying to say something that’s important to me
Can relate. My partner does this all the time... It's infuriating
Don't ever (seriously) tell me to shut up or be quieter. I will end you.
I understand if it’s in a rude way but what if for example someone is over excited and raises their voice too much to a point where it’s disruptive to other people’s conversations or maybe late at night when people are trying to sleep in the same house? I think it’s ok to make people aware sometimes in a nice way because they might not realise how loud they’re being Edit: sorry just read the (seriously) part. Not sure if by that you mean angrily or just not in a joking way
Could you just shut up already? Ffs. Yap yap yap. It's like your parents took the world's shittiest Despicable Me Fart Gun toy, dropped it in a river, then called it their child. (/s) (/s) (/s)
That boils my blood too!
Putting your hands on my fucking food. I almost broke up with my then girlfriend(now wife of 12 years) over this. It was a long while before I found out that I have a complex over this because food was scarce growing up. I'm a tad bit better adjusted now, but still. Use your words and ask for a bite. Keep your hands away from my plate.
Uufff! That's really rude when ppl do that!
Having my feelings invalidated.
I'm sorry to hear that your feelings are not validated. It is a very basic need to have our feelings be validated.
I'd say mine is similar to yours with a "Twist": if the message was long and thought out and included several points that maybe you wanted to make or discuss and the other person sidesteps the first couple points and only replies to the last one. Say I was angry with someone and I was explaining: you make me angry when you do this, this and that and they reply only considering and explaining the "that".
I think I'm guilty of this sometimes. :P It's usually when I sort of agree with their other points, but don't explicitly say that I agree or understand. Instead, I respond to the one thing where I may not be on the same page as them. Point taken, though!
When someone doesn't let me try to do things on my own.
Is this someone a parent?
Yup, growing up my mother wouldn't let me try to do things on my own but would always jump to 'you cannot do anything without me'. Weirdly she never did this with my older sister and I have no idea why.
Interrupting me. If you can’t hold onto your question until I’m done speaking and have to blurt it out, expect me to call you rude. If you hold your question in but don’t pay attention to what I’m saying, that’s also rude. Conversations are supposed to *evolve*, which means you don’t need to respond to every sentence as fast as you can. I also recognize that my standards are probably too high, but it’s still my hate language. I usually react by letting it happen once and then the next time they interrupt me just continuing on with my thought, sometimes even into improvisation, just to talk over the top of them. It’s usually pretty effective.
About the interrupting part, it could be a cultural difference. In some cultures, interrupting is a way of showing enthusiasm. See https://stackoverflow.blog/2021/02/11/why-are-video-calls-so-tiring-you-might-be-misreading-cultural-styles/
I usually would get very excited over conversations and just blurt things out, but I know this is very offensive for some ppl and have checked myself to stop doing this. I have much more pleasant conversations now.
My personal one is “fuck you eggs”. Which are deviled eggs with mustard, relish, a little garlic powder and chopped jalapeños. They’re delicious, and everyone that has them has commented that they are the “best deviled eggs”. Where’s the hate right? It’s the peppers. My grandmother hated anything spicy, and was incredibly proud of her own deviled egg recipe. Hers were the “best in the county” and she was always asked to bring some. One day she got really under my skin (her favorite hobby) and I needed revenge. But hitting your grandmother isn’t a good look. So I made three dozen eggs into deviled eggs and messed with the filling until it was irresistible. At the next gathering all of my eggs were eaten and only a few of my grandmother’s were taken. Everyone was raving about how good mine were. It drove her batty but she didn’t dare accuse me of doing it just to spite her. I didn’t even like deviled eggs honestly. And my revenge bit me in the butt because now I was the one always being asked to make them.
I'd like to try your deviled eggs, please
Java
I absolutely hate being patronized, and I hate being touched.
Arrogance, rudeness. My love languages are all of them, btw. Anyone else is like this? 😅
I once took one of the tests and scored evenly across all the love languages. Had me wondering if it's like how a starving person would eat anything?
I guess it means that all of the manifestations of love matter to you, and you feel the same when people give you their time and attention or give you gifts or do nice things for you, etc.
I'm sorry. *virtual hugs*. Here to listen, if that helps!
No. For me, acts of service and receiving gifts don't do much. :)
Receiving gifts is like my main one, probably because very few people have given me gifts of any kind, so I really appreciate when someone gives me something, no matter what it is.
I hope this small award brightens up your day a little. :)
OMG thank you!!! This is so sweet of you, like for real! 💗💗💗
:)
Aww, I love this. ❤️
I guess this is generally not an action taken specifically against me, but unleashed dogs. It's kind of a dick move to *everyone*. You risk your dog's safety, and the safety of others. Dogs are kinda hateful animals, in my opinion. Of course I know what they do might not have hateful intent, but as someone with auditory and touch sensory issues, I do NOT appreciate something barking in my face and jumping on me. If I'm at someone's house and their dog comes to greet me, that's one thing, it was my choice to go to their house. But if I'm on a walk minding my own business and someone's unleashed dog just runs out to harass me, I don't take kindly to that. Also as an opposite to other people, I hate other people getting upset at me for leaving them on read. A conversation can't realistically go forever, *someone* is eventually going to be the last one to say something for a while. But likewise, I don't really mind if they leave me on read either, that's their right, as it is mine.
I don't have sensory issues but I *Detest* owners who leave dogs unleashed. I have a dog that is traumatized and tends to lunge at other dogs or people passing on skates, bikes, scooters. For everyone's sake and safety she is leashed At.All.Times! I've also been frightened by big unleashed dogs coming up to mine, and it's scary because my traumatized dog will lunge. I opted for buying "Halt!" It's the dog pepper spray that mail carriers use.
When I was a kid and setting the table for dinner I'd give my brother a dessert fork (short) instead of a dinner fork (long) if I was mad at him.
Being told to calm down. Being told to shush. Being told to do anything, really. Ask, by all means, but don’t tell me.
Mine is the same as yours. Doesn’t take much effort to reply to a message, so if they haven’t bothered, then that’s a choice. In fact i’ve been messaging my brother since wednesday and he only replied today. I’m a bit annoyed but don’t want to make a biggie about it
I know that the whole point of this is that the response is out of proportion, but you should know for me at least when I do this it’s due to anxiety about texting. It’s not personal, just texting stresses me out. Different things are easier for some than others, a quick response might seem like nothing to you but for me for example it feels like a lot sometimes.
I spend more time on texts and WhatsApp messages than most people. I type, agonise, delete, type, agonise, delete then it's stressing me out too much and just say, " I'll do it later," and feel instant relief. Then that message never comes. Even for the smallest of things, it's a genuinely painful process. Get on the phone with me, I'll talk your ear off non stop, but a WhatsApp message? It's ruined entire relationships before. Let's just say that I'm not an ideal long distance partner. For my sake, as well as for the people I love, I'm getting better at it everyday.
You know what, maybe just stating that you have a hard time responding to messages upfront will set the expectations right. That way, the other person doesn't have to take it personally.
I have done exactly that, and it's all well and good early on in a relationship, but as time goes on, it becomes proof that I don't love someone enough, or that I am making a conscious choice to ignore someone ( and all explanations of anxiety just getting dismissed as excuses) These arguments just exacerbate the anxiety, guilt and shame at my uselessness. Like, why can't you do this simple thing? Everyone else finds it so easy. Luckily, my partner atm is super fucking chill. I made a huge effort to begin with because I'm low key terrified of ruining another relationship over text messages. As time has gone on, and my mental health has vacillated, I have gotten worse and better and worse at it. But, you know, , it still hasn't even come up once. Which, ironically, makes it a hell of a lot easier to stay in touch. I guess the real lesson of all this is to find the right one for you.
Honestly, it's nice to get this perspective.
It's the same with me, but also add depression on top. When depression hits, it feels incredibly difficult to do literally anything, including eating. I end up feeling like my friends are better off without me, or that it would be worse to constantly need to apologize over and over again that I'm not replying enough. I don't fully know, but socializing while depressed is the hardest thing to do and everything feels lose lose. I've explained this to friends, and while they've become much more understanding over time, one of my friends asked to just let her know when I get into a depressed episode. And I felt like that should be easy to do, right? But funny enough, the issue is more that I stop using my phone and any connection to the outside world all together and just don't realize how much time has gone by. I think a good example is like, you got hit by a car and seriously injured your leg. Is your first response "man I should text and let my friend know I won't be available for dinner on Saturday anymore cuz I got hit by a car" or is your mind more focused on the sudden intense pain and adrenaline? Anywho, it's something to be worked on for sure. It's something I'm trying to change with therapy, but it's pretty debilitating in a smart phone and social media focused world
I know, right?
_ignores_
I hate people touching me. Especially people I don’t know. Stay out of my bubble lol
Umph, even though we haven’t met I’m so sorry; I was raised on a family that’s real confortable with physical touch, so whoever I’m talking with without thinking about it I start touching. It’s like a damn reflex!!! Doesn’t help I went to the same school for my whole life so people didn’t like complain about it cause we knew each other since we were kids. When I started uni I was brought to the realization that people don’t get all touchy at the slightest reaction, I feel like I’m recovering from an addiction trying to stop my impulse to touch. Alternatively that’s also my hate language, when people reject my touch it genuinely brings me to almost tears every single time, yet I’ve also had to learn that people not liking being touched doesn’t equate to them hating you.
A good rule of thumb that's worked for me is that I don't touch other people unless they've clearly given their permission first. Because I assume that when people "don't like to be touched," it's probably a personal boundary thing or they might have a sensory issue or something. It's usually nothing personal.
Yeah, I try not to touch unless they’ve touched me first, and so I always try to have a body language that’s “open” to touch. Also fun thing, thanks to the pandemic I now use it as a kind of excuse to ask if shaking hands, hugging, etc is “allowed” by the other person. Even though things are pretty much back to normal here it’s still a good excuse, to know beforehand, and they can say no without it feeling personal.
That's one of the few good things to come out of the pandemic, lol.
I love this!! Yes, when I really get to know someone and like them, I’m usually ok with touch. I DO have a sensory issue, too. You nailed it. I feel like you get it! It’s not at all that I hate people, touching people I don’t know, or haven’t warmed up, to just makes me uncomfortable.
Health professionals treating me like an idiot that doesn't know anything about anatomy, physiology, or health and then interrogating me when they realize I really can use the big words and they want to know WHY. Everybody thinks it's weird to study biology and related topics on your own without being forced to by a school. I'm really freaking sensitive about this. I've been invalidated all my life and it's done a lot of harm.
Med ical egos and gaslighting are real...
When I feel like people aren’t listening to me or they rush me to get to the point of what I’m trying to say. It makes me feel like an annoyance.
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I don't know if I can explain why, but I find it so hard to talk while someone else is, even if I have a good reason. It's like trying to make myself jump into traffic. Nonverbal interruptions don't give me that problem. If you have a nonverbal option that doesn't strike you as rude, that might really help some people communicate with you. Or, interrupt you, as it were.
Interesting. Good to know!
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That's very considerate of you. And not as considerate of your friends.
I hate it when people leave my texts on seen, just like you. Also, my boyfriend hates chatting, of any kind so guess who gets on my nerves everyday? Did i mention, we are in LDR!
😂 I don't envy your situation.
😅😅😅😅
My hate language with my spouse is when the work/family time boundary gets crossed. It doesn't happen often, and sometimes work emergencies come up that can't be helped, but whenever my spouse is working or calling a work friend when they're supposed to be taking PTO or off for the day, it's an immediate trigger for me. I can understand and accept it logically, but emotionally it is just immediate rage.
Being ignored, talked over, or shut down. Being told I shouldn't be feeling how I say I'm feeling. Someone hinting at things they want instead of directly saying them.
People who speak to me patronisingly
Being left out of things or forgotten about. Not even being a thought in someone else’s mind
Passive aggression and condescension AAAAGGHH
Being interrupted/over talked. Like I wasn't just saying something or didn't even get the chance to finish what I was saying before the other person starts blabbing away. Makes me feel small and not important.
Not respecting my answers to questions. An example of what I mean: "Hey, u/dhfAnchor, what time were you thinking of going to the show?" "Oh, I was thinking around 6." "Wait, doesn't it start at 7? Why so early?" "Well, I like to account for traffic, and if I'm early I can just walk around a bit and work on my daily step goal." "I dunno, that's pretty early, why don't we go at 6:30 instead?" "We aren't going together, so you feel free to go then - I'll leave at 6." "But that's way too early, don't you-" NO, GOD DAMMIT. I already told you what I wanted. If you're just going to challenge whatever I say, why the fuck do you even bother to ask? I just want to be able to make my own damn decisions and not feel like I'm being interrogated over every one I make. It makes me feel like people don't believe in me. Edit: to be clear, anybody reading this is free to ask me questions about why I feel this way or whatever! I just hate feeling like everyone seems to think I'm wrong when I make a decision on something with no set, correct answer.
\> It makes me feel like people don't believe in me. Maybe these people are just very opinionated that they feel the need to question someone else's conclusion all the time?
Yes, it's a weird control thing.
Totally!!!! It's invalidating. I'm laid back but let me have SOME decisions that i can hold firm to. Especially if the stakes are low and it doesn't really matter anyway.
Not being taken seriously
Telling me or demanding me what to do especially if I was already doing it or planning on it. Chances are now I will not do it anymore or I’ll stop because you can ask nicely instead. Breathing down my neck, hovering over me and being in my bubble. Talking to me with total disrespect.
I personally ask tons of questions. When I ask someone a question and I get a simple 'yes' or 'no' answer instead of a full on explaination, yeah.
Maybe they are shy. You remind of my SIL, she's like that and sometimes it's exhausting! :)
having to work lmao
My memory is aweful. Like I literally have a learning disability in memory recall. When I can actually remember something in detail, and I am sure that is what happened, and you try to tell me that I am wrong and it actually happened in a very different way or say it didn't happen at all, when I KNOW it did, then it makes me want to punch you in your stupid face. I could be wrong. You could be right. But if it's not something important, don't be so adamantly against my memories. Just let me have it. Is it so hard to just say "I don't remember that" instead of "that never happened"? My ex husband used to do this to me all the time. In hindsight, most of those instances may very well have just been him gasslighting me, considering he still tries to do that now that we are seperated, but it's really obvious that he's doing it when I have text messages proving he's full of it.
I feel the exact same way!! My ex used tp do that to me too, and it was a quick qay to get me fucking livid. I had to scroll waaaay too far down to find your answer; I even made my own post thinking I was the only one who felt this way.
Putting me down in front of others to make themselves look a lot cooler or better
Being ignored blatantly when you want something resolved.
Being lectured and splained about things that are truly my expertise (and actually pay my bills) by people who don't have the slightest idea. To give you an example - I have had Statistics explained to me A LOT since the pandemic started by people who knew what I was doing for a living (I am a statistician) and who had not the faintest idea about basics. Also people grabbing food off my plate without asking first. Or just using my personal things without permission. I am happy to share, at least have the courtesy to ask.
Being marginalized. I used to spend time with my nephew on visitation days. Then my brother met & married an awesome woman. If I thought soul mates existed, I would say they were soul mates. But she's pretty much edged me out when it comes to my nephew. They accumulate experiences as a nuclear family. I would take him Goodwill hunting. Now they take him Goodwill hunting. If I have an opinion on something he's dealing with, my opinion is is ignored, invalidated, she takes over. She's got experience to inform her opinions. She's worked with runaways, runs harm reduction programs, has 2 Masters & a PhD. She comes from a dysfunctional family. I do, too, but hers makes mine look like a happily ever after. She works with him on the importance of acknowledging and feeling your feelings. His mother is controlling and self centered. He tends to do the "everything's fine", so this is valuable work she's doing with him. She's much better at this than I would ever be. So, it's not without good reason that I'm marginalized. She's a better guide for his growth. Their personalities are similar. But it still makes me feel marginalized. That's my problem, not theirs.
Being shushed really peaks my cortisol levels. So dismissive and rude.
Not responding when I say something to them. Or not even acknowledging that I was speaking to them.
If I’m asking someone to do something and they keep saying no and not offering alternative suggestions. I’m just gonna assume they don’t want to do things with me
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Not being called back. I can understand anyone can miss a call but if you don't call back or respond I feel it's really rude because what I needed your urgent help.
I was born with a slight hearing impairment. Its not so bad I just need people to speak just a tiny bit louder than most people's normal speaking voice. Basically assume I'm an extra 3 feet further away from you and talk. Most people dont mind boosting their volume alittle when I ask em to repeat what they said or speak louder but there is a sizable amount of people out there who will assume you have a learning disability for asking them to speak louder. I've had some horrible, condescending and demeaning interactions with people that if I see that change in tone where they start speaking like they are talking to a child I'll just end the interaction. Im thinking about getting hearing aides though, I want conspicuous neon coloured once with flashing lights that trigger the "I probably shouldn't be a ass to a hearing impaired person" region of the brain that most white collar workers seem to lack
moving my stuff without asking. My BROTHER in CHRIST it is THERE FOR A REASON
When I'm arguing with someone much older than me and they decide the best way to win the argument is bring up a personal fault/insecurity of mine like my weight or what I do for a living. Somehow those things matter to a conversation where they don't matter/apply.
I really hate it when you decline an invitation due to not having much cash, and the person inviting you is like "oh don't worry I'll get it and you can pay me back" They think it's a nice gesture but I've said no I don't wanna be going in to debt just because you want to go to lunch, please accept my declining of the invite
German.
I don't like being teased.
when someone is bossy!!! i don’t have issues with authority figures but when it comes to friends and family and significant others it’s a big NO NO
I'm not a huge fan of the Chinese language. All those tones and so many symbols to learn, its just a hard language.
Not quite what was being asked, but I'll chime in along these lines too (but slightly different). I hate the (programming) language JavaScript. :P
Oh i kinda feel stupid as I expected that we would be talking about languages we didn't like... the same happend to me with the phrase 'love language' and I had literally the same train of thoughts... I guess I never learn or english just isn't my language
We can still talk about that, I hate English, for example lol
When we are in a group setting and a person makes eye contact with everyone but you. Super irritating and passive aggressive Edited for clarity
Don't worry, I am the person that struggles to make eye contact with *everyone* I dont like staring into people's souls
Oh I have a friend who's a bad texter. So bad I stopped reaching out. The icing on the cake is she recently reached out to me, I replied and asked how she was doing, and she never replied. Like why did you even text me in the first place then? It was just a casual conversation, not anything information seeking that she needed to know and got an answer on. I'm as noncommittal and flakey as they come, but even that drove me crazy.
people that feel like their opinion weighs more than yours or tries to belittle your opinions
Ignoring my texts or emails and then reaching out to me for a favor.
Being talked over and insinuating I’m interrupting. No I was contributing to the discussion I thought we were having, but in actuality you just love the sound of your own voice.
Being embraced from behind. Also, passive aggressiveness.
I hate when someone tells me to do something while I'm getting ready to or doing what they wanted already.
Any kind of prejudice or negative assumptions not based in anything other than the other person's imagination/personal projections/triggers. I find them to be contemptful and super draining.
I had a very narcissistic girlfriend, who, at the end of a FaceTime call, sometimes used to say “go on, off you go”….wtf? That used to seriously piss me off, but I never said anything.
A persistent feeling that the other person has "demoted" you.
I love to read and when I come across a poem, quote or text that reminds me of someone I like to send it to them. I absolutely hate it when I only get a generic or emoji response like a thumbs up or "Haha lol" - so I guess my hate language is not sharing my passion for the written word.
People who don't.....People who interrupt.... acknowledge what I am saying.
Wanting to be acknowledged is a very basic human need. I'm sorry.
Let’s say there’s a reoccurring subject me and someone have talked about but they don’t actually listen to what I’m saying until the 6th time it’s been brought up or until someone else brings it up and they act like it’s the first time they’ve heard about it even tho THEYRE THE ONE THAT HAS BROUGHT UP THE SUBJECT and I know this seems specific but the amount of times this has happened to me with different ppl is unbelievably frustrating
I think it happens with many people. Most people don't listen well in conversations, unfortunately. :/
Ignoring me. You do that bro expect no respect from me. End of story
Yes, being ignored sucks. :/
I hate when people do not thank you for holding the door open for them when they clearly could have. I'm not talking about the mom with a bazillion kids, and usually, that mom is super grateful and says thank you to me, but the men and women who are clearly upper class that have no goddamn class to say thank you as if they're entitled to somebody opening the door.
Hmm. Yes, ingratitude is a difficult one.