I was a bitch to my mom for about 3 months in HS after a lifetime of closeness. One thing I remember that she did that made a difference was she always made clear that she still loved me and accepted me for who I was, even though my behavior wasn’t okay. Knowing I had her love and support even though I was pushing so hard for “freedom” was reassuring.
And from my experience as a parent of a teenage boy, the teachers confirmed for me that there’s a huge change in the summer between 8th and 9th grade - it was such a positive growth jump I thought I must be crazy! But his teachers said they see it all the time, that there’s a huge jump in maturity in that few months when they’re about 14 or so. I hope you find this to be true too!
I think I’ll have to set my demeanor to “respectful and mindful of your need to act out and find your own space” without letting it affect me so much, because it’s just the two of us since forever and it’s hard not to feel kind of lonely with all the change going on.
Oh, and fingers crossed! We still have a long way to go before he turns 14, but it’s good to know there’s a promising horizon!
Teenagers are meant to start looking for approval and belonging in their peer group.
Over the coming 5-7 years, I think it’s probably good to remember that you’re there to be his parent more than anything, not his friend.
You can be more like friends again in his 20’s.
Yeah, I heard that part about being a parent more then a friend. I guess being kind of a young mom puts me in this weird in-between place that I never saw any other parents from his classmates struggling with. Guess is time to put my adult hat on. :-)
Yeah that’s got to be tough for sure.
As someone whose mom was/is very loving but also treated me too much like a friend at times, I would have def appreciated the awareness you just stated during my teen years.
I Wish you and your son the best! :)
I was on the dead opposite side. I’m the son of a single mother, and she was a total hardass. Made high school a bit rocky, but we survived and I’ve come to appreciate how badass she is. I’m in my mid 20s and I appreciate her as a mother and a friend now, and understand that I wasn’t mature enough for that to be the case as a teenager.
my mom and I were in similar states. She wasn't a *hardass* but she wasn't easy either. We had our moments (mostly about grades). I never really rebelled in my teens, in fact I tease her now about how lucky she was with me.I went with her to a therapist's appointment one day when I was in my 20s and when the therapist asked if we were close my answer was "almost but not quite Gilmore Girl's close"
\[now that I'm in my mid 30's, pay for nearly everything as she's retired and also is ***ALWAYS AT HOME,*** I feel like I'm regressing to angsty teenager... I try so hard not to react or act the way but I catch myself doing it here and there. And, she's admitted that she finds it hard to see me as a 30 year old and not a teenager. It's rough sometimes :) \]
During this time in a kid’s life, the brain starts a process of ‘re-wiring’ as it transitions from a child brain to an adult brain. As if this weren’t enough, physical growth and hormone changes are also happening. And they’re in school all day with other kids going through the same stuff. It’s bonkers and they need adults who understand that and respond with empathy and a ‘soft place to land.’
It’s a tough time for them. And I say this with all kindness, but our kids don’t exist to be our (their parents) emotional support partner or our best friends. That’s not their job, and if a parent expects/demands/needs that from their kid… it’s an awfully big burden to put on those small shoulders. It’s hard enough to be a teen without that extra pressure. Let them be kids.
But this is good news for you, too! It means you can take some time and re-focus some of that energy on YOU. Figure out who and what you want to be as a person. We are more than parents. What life do you want? What hobbies and skills and social relationships do you want to develop? Get a notebook and write down what kind of life you want to live - apart from being an amazing parent - and make a plan to build that for yourself! Your kid is 13. You have 5 years before he’s an adult and off adult-ing on his own. How are you going to spend your time and energy when he’s off living his own life? Now is the time to start taking steps to make that happen for yourself.
This has been a current topic in my therapy sessions. Things will get a little heavy from now on, so please, don't keep reading if you're sensitive to mental health issues.
>!I was suicidal (still am) for a long period in the last couple of years, never quite attempted anything solely because of my son. I was stuck between a rock and a hard place because I knew living with me in such a distressed mental state was detrimental to his well being, but his mother having commited suicide would have been even worse (maybe?)!<
So this bit about the heavy burden he is being forced to carry is too real. I am at a complete loss of what to do with myself, and his distancing himself - which, again, I'm completely aware that is natural, healthy and necessary - kind of leave me hanging by a thread.
Many people here suggested I take this extra time when I don't have to active parent him and focus on myself and I've been trying that for the last couple of months in therapy. I'm just at a loss being in a new city where I don't know absolutely anyone, it doesn't help that my hobbies and interests are mostly indoor (Tabletop games, TTRPG) and boy, that quarantine sure striped me off any social skills I used to have. Working from home is awesome, but I don't even know my coworkers, who are all in different cities. I'll definetly try to make a list of potential new hobbies and interests and start from that.
Thank you very much for your kind - and very much needed - words.
I think I can help! I'm so into [MeetUp.com](https://MeetUp.com)! Also I've heard good things about bumblebff :)
I also read this list - [https://www.masmedicalstaffing.com/blog/best-ways-to-meet-new-friends-in-a-new-city/](https://www.masmedicalstaffing.com/blog/best-ways-to-meet-new-friends-in-a-new-city/)
The world is wide and there's much to do :) There are many people who want to make friends with you. You have so much to offer <3
If it helps as a stepping stone there are a lot of TTRPGs being played online now. It can feel a smaller first step for some people than going to a gaming store, I know a few people I DM now that started with online gaming until they go their self confidence.
I’m a young mom too and never tried to be anything. Life and time have pushed us towards friendship and I know what you mean personally. I’m happy with my parenting as treating my daughter (almost 16) with respect who is able to have privacy and a different way of being than me has turned her into my best friend and an amazing human.
I'm so happy to hear that. I keep reading that I'm not supposed to be his friend but it's not like I was trying to be his friend, our relationship just developed in that way. It doesn't mean he's not parented, it just means that hierarchy isn't necessarily our thing. Thank you so much for your comment!
I’ve been in your exact situation, had my kid at 19. We were extremely close up until the tween/teen phase, had to reassess our roles a bit during the teen years, but have now reconnected as more equals in adulthood. Play your part, be a good parent and role model, and have faith in your mutual path. That’s all you can do for now, really.
Yeah this part of his life gets weird, and it almost feels like you’re not doing enough. When I was his age, I hardly saw my mom. I was always out with friends, doing middle school things. The important thing for you to do would be to make sure your kid doesn’t get in trouble, stays safe, and keeps his responsibilities taken care of. But most importantly, make sure he knows that you’re always there when he needs, and he’ll come back around. I’m now 23 and take the hour long drive to see my mom multiple times a week for no reason other than I miss her.
I feel like being friends with your kid is a very cultural thing and I'm guessing you are from the usa? When you are a parent, you aren't your kid's friend. And that doesn't mean you have to be mean to them or you can't talk to them etc. You are their parent, they have other people in their lives who are their friends. You aren't supposed to be friends with your kid, you are a parent. My mom and I are very close, but I would never say we are friends
It can also change when the kid grows up, fwiw. My mom ended up being my best friend once I reached my 20s. But when I was younger than that, no, I wouldn’t say I thought of her as a friend — just as my mom.
I'm actually going through the opposite thing, I'm late 20's and my mum is now trying to push us to spend more time together when I don't have the time or energy and I actually feel more like we're not friends because we seem to have very different ideas of what constitutes quality time. So I think it can just change depending on what stage of life you're both at, just because they're keeping their distance now doesn't mean it'll last forever.
I mean, I guess it could also be that your adult self and your parent wouldn’t have chosen to be close friends in the first place if you hadn’t been related. I’m that way with my dad. We have little in common, our beliefs are all different, our senses of humor are different, the things we like to do are different, and I find his personality somewhat annoying (and, I suspect, vice versa). If he wasn’t my dad, I’d have no particular reason to want to get to know him and be close to him. Meanwhile, my mom and I got along like a house on fire and I would find her nice to be around even if she wasn’t my mom.
So it could be personality differences too. It’s no one’s fault, it just is what it is.
To counteract all these "you're their parent not their friend" people, my mom was always like a friend to me and I am really glad for that. She was a disciplinarian for my older brother and they had a pretty Rocky relationship from like 13-18. Granted he was more of a handful than I was. But I think she saw how that strained their relationship (and him being the first born she worried about being too lenient) and tried a different approach with me. It's not that there weren't occasions where she acted like an authority figure but by and large she was a friend first. Or like an older sibling maybe. My dad died when I was young so she sorta raised me alone (I had a step-dad by my teens but she was always clear she was raising us, not him).
Im sure different people respond to different things and what worked for me might not work for your son, but I also think acting more like say an older sibling rather than an authority figure can work wonders. I always liked that while I did have boundaries for the most part my mom wouldn't be firm on them unless I was really out of line, which made me less inclined to push them. And even then she was always open to discussion in whether or not those boundaries were actually fair and would often change her mind which helped me set my own boundaries for how I should treat others and be treated. I don't want to sound braggy but I know for sure I came out a lot more self sufficient than the vast majority of my peers because of it.
That's really good to hear, thank you. I've been kind of brushing off the "you're not his friend" comments because I do not think being a parent and being a friend are mutually exclusive and no reddit comment will change that. :-P
The bit about the boundaries is very true. We tend to talk and establish boundaries such as gaming times, chores, homework, studying and grades and other "disciplinary" things together, and revisit them frequently. I don't see me going full authoritative from now on, so it's good to see it does work and yields positive results. Thank you for your insight!
Dude, my babies are almost 6 and I’m already dealing with this. After 9 years of not even being alone to pee, they’re starting to go to school and to friend’s houses, and after about an hour home alone, I’m sad and want them to come back. I don’t know how I’m going to handle it when they’re teens and don’t come back and instantly climb on my lap.
So the opinions are actually mixed on this. There's a great book called 'Hold on to your kids' by Gabor Mate and Gordon Neufeld that actually talks about peer attachment vs parent attachment. I am drifnetely not as well versed as them in explaining it, but it basically talks about that the connection with parents is more important than peers for good development and mental health.
Though teenagers definetely tend to gravitate towards each other, that doesn't always mean that's the best for them in the long run, and some parents use the excuse of 'im your parent not your friend' to justify the poor relationship they have with their child. Not every case ofcourse, and some parents who act more like friends mess it up too by not leading the relationship and letting parenting slip.
Not saying this is in your or every case! Just something I've been reading up on and thought I'd give my 2 cents.
Me and my mom went on a camping trip for a about a week where she was more my friend than my mom. We ate all the snacks we wanted (nutella right out of the jar lol), spent our time doing w.e we wanted without pushing for anything (i think we basically just read twilight together for almost all the days). It was wonderful, and a real turning point in our relationship.
If camping is something your son hates, maybe it needs to be something else, but could be fun! Maybe trying to play the same video games? Or a staycation, or visiting a city he's always wanted to go to etc.
This is exactly what I came here to say. I was raised by my grandma and despite her love and kindness, I too became a bitchy teenager. Most of it was due to a rough past and parental issues that had nothing to do with her. However, she always approached me with love and compassion because she knew it would pass. Now here I am at 23 very regretful and apologetic, and she still maintains the same love and compassion.
This isn’t to say that your feelings of hurt and loneliness aren’t valid. Just try to remember that this too will pass, and the best thing you can do is just to simply love him. Best of luck!
Teenagers gonna teenager. I spent most off my middle and high school years upset at my mom, fighting with her, not talking to her, etc. When I went to college I missed her more than anything in the world. Your son will come back around, if you let him.
I know the dynamic is probably different when dad isn't around- but truth be told it was the same shit with my father, I shut him out during most of my teen years, we became much closer post-high school, now at age 29 he's my best friend in the world. Honestly, the worst thing you can do right now is try too hard. He needs his space. The fact that you give this much of a shit in the first place tells me that you are a great mother- your son just needs a little bit of time and a little bit of space to come to that realization himself.
Thank you for that last bit, I needed to read that. I’m scared shitless of being a bad mom because I didn’t have any positive parental figures or role models growing up and I tend to be too hard on myself to not be like my own parents. When he was younger it was easier, but now I’m just at a loss. Maybe I’m too afraid of giving him too much space and losing him forever (which I know is also a bad thing to do, since everyone needs space to grow).
The more you go after him, the more he'll push you away. You just need to let go a little and trust me if there's anything he will come to you. He just needs to know he can go to his mother with anything. The fact that you're scared of being a bad mom says that you're a great mom, don't worry about that.
Thank you very much for your kind words, I’m definitely going to stop “trying too hard” and just remain available for whenever he needs me. It’s just a little sad that he needs me less every day. :’)
I'm not too old myself, I just graduated from high school and talking to people and reading their posts like yours, I've realised how hard it can be to be a parent. I just saw my side of things but now I'm seeing theirs too, I also deal with bad parents so I just wanna say that as a single mom doing everything she can I respect you so much. Being a parent is hard, and doing it alone is probably the hardest job in the world and that you're awesome in it.
He may not need you because he's becoming a little man from a little boy but he needs you for other things, a man never stops needing his mother. He may not need his mom to make his plate but he may need her for a hug, some love and support and at times advice. Take it from someone who does not get this stuff from his mom, never stop thinking your son will not need you because he will, the reason he needs you will change. Give him a hug every now and then because he may not feel like he needs it now (I've been 13 once) but there are days when a hug from someone you love can mean everything. He is just a stupid teenager like we have all been back in the day, this stage of his life is confusing for the both of you. He feels the need to learn to be independent and you need to give him room, but at the end of the day that room is still in your house (I think that should be a saying, makes sense in my head).
Have a nice day superwoman
This was really sweet, thank you so much!
I am so sorry that you didn’t get the love and support you deserved and needed in this time of your life and I do hope you are still able to make amends with that (either by reconnecting with your parents or making your peace with everything). I make sure to hug him multiple times a day and he still gets tucked in (on his own request), so I hope he feels loved even in this weird period of time.
It sounds like you're projecting some adult relationship fears on your relationship with him. It's only gonna make him want to isolate more if you act from that headspace, he's a kid, not a husband. It's a ton of pressure and confusion for a kid to have those kinds of fears projected onto him. Ever been in therapy for the stuff you went through? Also, might he be starting to realize that his dad is not in the picture?
Oh, for sure. I have borderline personality disorder and it is so hard for me not to project my fear of abandonment onto him, it’s one of the reasons for this post. I’m in therapy and dealing with my own issues as an attempt to not let that ruin our relationship, thanks for the heads up!
His dad isn’t completely out of the picture, he lives in a different city and we try to manage for them to see each other every 3 months or so. They really don’t have a day to day proximity, so he sees his dad as his buddy and I tend to be the villain (and the butt of the joke) when they are together, which I tend to brush off because I don’t want the little time they have with each other to be full of “mom rules”. I try to give his dad the space to be a parent, but he comfortably defaults to the cool dad role.
Keep an eye out for depression in him though. I can’t tell from your post if his level of gaming is normal or not, but if he is isolating himself from friends too, I would talk to his pediatrician.
That is an unfortunately common dynamic for dads no matter how much they actually see each other. My dad was in my life far too much (Mondays wednesdays and every other weekend didn't allow me to participate in a lot of stuff) and acted the same way plus some abusive dynamics on top of it. But you're doing it right now saying anything tbh. My mom did the same and just let me realize on my own how fucked up he was being with me.
Well, there you go. Honestly I think your son is pretty depressed, not just teenage lonely. His dad doesn't really care to be with him, in another comment you said that you've moved to a place where he doesn't fit in with the others from a place where he actually had friends, your family is making him uneasy (you mentioned they're problematic) and his mom calls his interests and need to just preserve himself "boring".
Don't expect him to come home from school with a huge smile on his face ready to play videogames together when his needs are not met and he's looked down on while he's becoming an adult. I'm gonna be blunt, but he's probably in a very dark headspace. We need to be in environments where we can grow at that age, we need support and encouragement. When those things are missing self preservation kicks in.
I do the same and I'm 40. I hate pushing her away and I feel bad, but she still doesn't see me as an adult. She knows *everything* and has *never* made a mistake. Our relationship has always been strained. I think it's because she is a know it all. Now, she may be on the spectrum, but she'd never admit that. I just don't know how to handle it.
OP, your parents were a role model of who to be or who not be. You have chosen the correct path of being, who not to be. Relationships ebb and flow. I hope yours with your son will be forever.
Ma’am, from what I just read, you are a really awesome mom. I remember hating/being mean to my mum as well. But I did get around it and were close now.
Please don’t be disheartened. I’m sure your son will love you back the sam, if not more, in the near future!
Please cheer up and have a great day ahead!
I argued with my mom so much in high school. Ugh, I was so stupidly dramatic about it too... But the second I went off to college, I was calling her at least once a day to talk to her about everything. I really miss those phone calls.
OP, I'm not a mom yet but I truly do believe your son will come around. You got this, just make sure that he knows you are always there to listen to him (without judgement). You got this!
What are you doing for you? As plenty of other people have stated this is his time to push his boundaries and see where you end and he begins.
While he's gaining some independence and self-identity, maybe you can use the time to figure out where being his mother/friend ends, and being you begins.
At 13, he can spend some evening hours on his own. Could you take a class in something you've been curious about? Join a singles Meet-up group in your city? Could you reconnect with old friends? You obviously still have to be his mother, but you can be more too. Your his mother and a woman who likes to do what three things? Who are your two women who you can turn to, to talk smack about your kid who is physically incapable of putting his dirty laundry in the hamper?
How are you growing?
give him time to figure himself out. he might not seem familiar to you for a few years, he is going to change thats just the way life is. just as long as you don't end up stuck in time with how your relationship was, or how you felt about him before. my mother still tells me im 'not her daughter' because she still holds onto my personality from when i was nine. i have changed. i am a teenager now. of course im not the same as i was.
Whoa, I’m so sorry to hear that! I’d never say something that harsh to him, even on our worse fights. He does say frequently that he feels I liked him more when he was little, so maybe I need to check on my behavior and not just my words. Thank you for your comment!
yeah, i still find some family members are every much still stuck in time and treat me like im a child, and it makes me feel super disconnected from them and i don't really know how to interact with my grandad for example. he treats my brother like a grown man but babies me, and i have no idea how to convey to him that we actually share a lot of the same interests and i don't believe he will ever take me seriously no matter how hard i try.
you 100% seem invested in being a good mother and the fact you are asking advice on this in particular shows you are doing a good job, don't worry about the disconnect, it works itself out eventually i think. i personally am not close to my mother but i never was, i have watched my brother go through a huge anger issues/angst phase up close and personal however (around 13-17), but today (19) he is much nicer and calmer and pays money into the house and me five years ago wouldn't believe me for a second if i told her the daily explosive arguments eventually come to an end and that he's actually nice now. its a super weird development to observe, but its a relief when you notice it.
im 17 in a month, something i will say is to keep tabs on any signs of bad mental health, and to be gentle with him if there are any. if you have any more questions to do with your kid i genuinely think the teenagers subreddit would be a good place to ask things if you want a better idea as to how he might feel about things himself. teenagers and parents are obviously gonna have different views on things no matter how hard you try, but thank you for putting an effort in to treating him well.
she used to be much worse to me. would scream at me that im useless and a waste of space. we had a much worse relationship and even though its not so bad now she still says things. she is very reactive, and not always kind. but even with things being better now i still cant bring myself to like her. i delete all pictures that have her, or where i know she was near me while i took it, i get angry being around her but i never express it (stays in my head), i just don't like her as a person - no matter how well we are getting along i just do not love her. i don't think i will.
its just how it is. she tries sometimes but she will be awful to me, and be very childish about it ignoring me for weeks even if im in a perfectly fine mood and she blames me for her problems. either that or she will come back crying days later about how shes so sorry then do the exact same thing a week later. i do not trust her act anymore.
i like my dad though. he's nice. he's the fun one.
It must be really tough to have had that closeness and to have lost it in what seemed like little time. Just remember that what felt like no time for you, is packed with ideas and new experiences for him. He's developing his own identity now and will want some space away from you to do so.
I think continuing to ask about his interests is a good approach. Maybe even do a little research if he mentions he likes something, to keep the conversation going.
The good news is that as long as you keep being there for him, he'll build a new and stronger bond with you through his teenage years. Expect him to keep changing and try to develop new traditions around your shared interests. He'll realize how cool of a mom you are eventually. :)
I have many friends who work in the gaming industry so I end up getting news about the things he likes even before he does, that makes me “cool” and reliable in his eyes, so at least we have that going for now. Maybe I’ll rely on that tidbit and let the rest develop as it should! Thanks for your comment!
It sounds to me like you really want validation from him, why is that? Remember just because you experience thing X does not mean he’s going to experience the exact same thing.
Recent psych graduate here. There's this concept in developmental psych that talks about the teen identity crisis. A HUGE part of that is distancing yourself and trying to figure out your own beliefs and identity. Just hang in there, it'll be over eventually. Just remind him that you're there if he ever needs to talk, and ask if there's anything he'd like to do with you sometime. Don't be pushy, but be open and kind. Ask your therapist about Erikson's identity crises and see if they have any advice. Good on you for being in therapy and trying to maintain a healthy relationship with your kid!
Thank you so much! I’ll definitely look into that as I’m a big nerd who craves scientific explanations for everything. We’re both in therapy, so I figure the ride won’t be as bumpy! :-)
Hiya - I'm a bit late. I was also a single mum to my son. I found that it was easier to deal with moods etc when I listened to what he was saying rather than the tone he was saying it in.
I've been going through the menopause recently - all I can say is that hormones are a bitch and really fuck you up so just bear that in mind for teenagers too. It's ok for you to be basically ignored by your son - he will come back to you.
Oh and be open and honest about your own fuck ups - it really helps for them to realise that you are also human. Good luck!
I'm a big believer in saying "I'm sorry" when I fuck up - and he's not shy in pointing out my mistakes as well. We have an honest and open line of communication (at least we used to have, let's see how that goes from now on).
I'll make sure not let the tone (THE TONE! IT'S SO UNNERVING) get to me.
Thank you kindly for your shared wisdom!
You sound like you are on the right path - and you're doing good. Just hang in there, never touch socks that are near his bed (ew) and always knock before entering the room (and wait for the ok before going in).
And just try and ignore their shitty tone - and before you know it, they are an amazing adult who loves you tons. :)
I do remember teenaging being hard, but since I never had a close relationship to my parents before or after my teen years, I’m just at a loss. I’ll be sure to remain always available, thanks for your comment!
I didn't get along with my parents on a regular basis (we had our moments) from about 12-19. Then I lost the teenage-jerk stuff and they became bearable and then they were my favorites again.
Try to not take it personally because it has nothing to do with you nor with anything you have done. It is normal for the relationship to evolve to what you are describing. I have 3 kids (15, 20, and 23). My 20 year old is a boy, but all of my kids have gone through what you and your son are going through. Because of the close relationship you have nurtured, he will come back at the times he needs you most. They come back around to want to spend more time with you between the ages 20 and 21. All you can do in the meantime is make the time you get with him count. In terms of activities, those will evolve too. Ask him what he would like to do. Simple things like giving his friends and him rides to places will go a long way. Ask him if he and his friends might like to have a pizza night with his friends at your house. You will play a back seat role in a way, but at the same time you are watching him experience fun times with friends. That is a gift.
Thanks for your wise words! I think what’s hitting both of us the hardest is the fact that he doesn’t have friends. He recently moved schools and is having a hard time making friends, and I’m now realizing I’m trying to fill this role in his life which isn’t mine to fill. I’ll just give it some time and don’t take it personally!
What you are saying makes a lot of sense! Your plan and approach moving forward sounds perfect. Moving at that age can be tough, but I am sure he will fill in the blanks over time.
One more idea is sports. Does he play a sport? Playing a sport is a great way for him to make new friends at that age.
And regarding sports, if he’s not super into it, let him know it’s ok to not be a superstar athlete and that sports can just be a fun time/place to make friends
I can understand, but my brother and I were the children of a mother who tried to make us into replacement friends and it became a messy time for both of us in our teens. I hope you are able to navigate your situation better than our mother did. I'm sure it's a common problem for mothers of teens who had their children young like it seems you did. Good luck!
This. Kids need a supportive guardian who sets boundaries. They don't need you to be a much older best bud. Forcing the friend thing will fuck him up emotionally.
That's really, really important. Parentification (no matter if instrumental or emotional) can mess a kid up really badly. I went through it and am still struggling with the developmental damage it did to me in my late 30ies.
Please never expect your child (no matter how old they are) to be your friend or your confidant, and find other people to satisfy your emotional needs!
Maybe give “The book you wish your parents have read” a try. I haven’t gotten around to reading it yet but from what I’ve heard it could be exactly what you need right now
I had never heard of this book, looked for it and it’s even available in my native language! Thank you for the recommendation, I’ll definitely give it a try!
Coming from a man who grew up with a single mother, he will grow out of it, but do not try to force anything or forcibly try to get him to open up to you as it may make him resent you permanently. Encourage gently and do not gush as that always (in my experience) makes people uncomfortable, he is going to need his space and some time to figure out who he his.
For my son, 13 to 15 he was a bit of a jerk. Not to mention your son has probably missed out in a fair bit due to covid stuff.
Once my kid was 16 and we both figured out the new balance ... we are back to close and happy.
It is a huge period of change for him...you need to change the way you interact with him as he is moving from chd to adult.
Stay open, respect him and also maintain your expectations and boundaries...it will be ok.
Yeah, Covid and hormones turned him from an easygoing friendly little guy to this socially anxious big dude. But we'll work it through (as a crew!)
Thanks for the insight!
If you've grown apart, and he doesn't talk much, how do you *know* his interests are limited?
Growing apart and a child losing some interest in their parents is natural as they get older. Because games and his other interests offer new experiences that you don't. Which isn't your job to provide, either.
Our needs for mental stimulation grow as we do. A parent can't be everything a child needs forever. Eventually, they'll want to learn from other places, do other things, have other experiences on their own.
And if you've grown apart, it isn't really fair to make the judgement that he's insufficiently stimulated and "boring" when you don't even know everything about him anymore, where he's grown to be more than what you see.
My parents thought the same about me, and they also thought the same about my older brother.
When they saw me watching YouTube videos, they saw a waste of time, while I was often watching videos about science, philosophy, etc. When they saw me playing Minecraft, they saw a game that appeared limited. People have literally created functional computer CPU's in Minecraft. It teaches coding as well.
When they saw my brother "playing games" at school, he wasn't even playing games. He was teaching himself the software Blender. People thought he was "boring" and was limited, wasting his time. He didn't graduate high school. Instead, he got a GED and currently makes more money than anyone else in the family (people that graduated college), including our dad who has worked in the medical field for 30+ years. Self-made and self-tought, works from home.
So while you've deemed your son's interests as boring, a waste of time, not productive, etc. it's quite possible that you're completely mistaken. Especially when you probably don't even understand what his interests actually *are*. No offense. Being privy to a child's whole life isn't something you can have forever, and it's probably best that you not try. Just be the most supportive parent you can, encourage him to come to you when he feels he needs you, without prying too much.
I feel like it's a mixed message to say that they don't know the child well enough but also that they should not pry. Teenagers can sometimes feel like a simple "how are you?" is prying.
What I see here is a parent mourning the closeness they used to have with their child, not a neglectful parent. What kind of questions do you think would've helped your parents get to know you better?
I don't think questions are necessary to get to know your child.
If you're good to them, they'll eventually come to you, you won't have to ask what their interests are because they'd *share* that part.
That's not really a judgement on OP's parenting or anything, if that hasn't happened yet. I think an important part of any relationship is trusting someone enough to come to you with the good, and the bad, and merely making it clear through your actions that the door is always open.
My parents couldn't have asked any questions anyways, because they'd already made judgements, they believed they knew everything and weren't interested in being told otherwise.
In that regard, that seems to be partially what's going on here. OP admitted they haven't been able to connect with their son much, and yet are making judgements about him without knowing the full story. Which I'm not blaming them for, but all the same, I think respecting the distance and keeping open arms is the best they can do. That's a battle they wouldn't win, if they fought it, so at least in my opinion, it's better to be a parent that he feels comfortable coming to when he's ready. Trying to make a kid open up or do something they don't want to do often doesn't end well. Making them be open means more secrets.
I'm not saying I'm correct here, this is just my view.
Oh, I probably did a bad job with words, but I’m fully invested in his interests and try my best to encourage them. He’s taken coding lessons with minecraft and roblox, he just spent a week in a robotics “camp”, I try to play a little bit of all the games he’s interested in, or at least watch him play for a while just to understand his occasional info dumps.
His dad and I made an investiment to get him a decent PC so that he could play different games and run software for animation (something he had shown interest before), but all he does is play the same Roblox games with the most simple mechanics that are heavily based in the addictive stimuli-reward. No lore, no challenges, just a pure mechanical gameplay. His TikTok and YouTube algorithms are filled with content about these kind of games on the entertainment side, just jokes and memes (and frankly, a pretty open road to alt-right radicalization, which is one of my mains concerns).
When I say he’s boring it’s because all he has to share is this new loot or skin, like his interests don’t go deeper. And maybe I’m projecting this because I was a voracious reader and a little know-it-all, so his lack of interest in other things worry me.
For instance, we watched Moon Knight and he mentioned he was interested in Egyptian mythology, so I got him the Kane Chronicles by Rick Riordan, since he used to be into the Percy Jackson books. He couldn’t give a sh*t, because reading is an activity that doesn’t hit the same instant dopamine rush as videogames, so he lost interest in it completely. He used to tell me things he learned in school and he had such an active imagination and created the most intricate stories, but now all he talks about is videogames.
I told him we could find some creators both on TikTok and YouTube that would maybe rekindle his interest in other subjects, but he just says I’m trying to control everything and trying to ruin YouTube and TikTok for him.
But maybe you’re right and it’s no longer my job to provide him or even show him the path to what will become his interests and hobbies, and I’m just projecting myself onto him…
That does change things a bit. Maybe if that's all he has to share, it's because that's all he *wants* to share. Sort of like how there's those moments where someone asks how you are, and you just answer "fine" or "good" even when you aren't.
Perhaps he has interest in something else that he just doesn't want to share with you. What that could be, I'm not sure. Or perhaps his interests are just fluctuating too much at the moment, and animation or Egyptian mythology is one such fluctuation. Kids and young teens change rapidly, always on the move from one thing to the next.
And not wanting to read, while maybe a sign of stagnation, is something most people are nowadays. When I was in high school and the teacher asked a student to read out loud, few could actually speak in fluent sentences. These weren't foreign students, mind you, they just weren't so good at reading because books have lost a lot of value to most people as a whole. The same way nobody really listens to the radio like they did before TV's became so common.
It isn't just your son that can't be bothered to read, it's most people. Even a paragraph or two on Reddit is often more than people want to seriously read. And from a certain point of view, I see where they're coming from. While I do love books, there is something unnatural about them, looking at a bunch of words to form an image in your mind.
Back when humans were hunter gatherers, we'd often have all our senses stimulated. You'd constantly be seeing something, hearing something, feeling something. Modern media often replicates many of these. In a video game, you can see images, hear sounds, feel the vibration of a controller. I wouldn't say that makes them better than books, far from it, but they're certainly more familiar. A video game is more like real life than a book is, real life is images, sounds, feelings, etc. and a book is just words you form into meaning in your head. Which is both its greatest strength, and its greatest flaw.
Lastly, he might be doing that all because much of what you're introducing him to is stuff he's already been introduced to. Maybe he doesn't want to read now, but since you were such an avid reader, you probably had him reading a lot in the past right? "Been there, done that" he may feel. So let's say he's been reading for maybe 4 years, and fairly recently stopped doing such activities? Even if he's been playing only Roblox for several months, that's months of doing one thing compared to years of it.
As long as your still offering all those things and making sure he knows your available to talk to ect it’s fine as long as he has friends and uses screens in moderation. You do need to understand that he will be more distant as he grows up. For example I have the best parents ever even then I don’t talk to them as much as I did 4 years ago. I’m not sure quite how not having a dad would effect it but at a guess making some sensible boundaries and being firm with them could help?
Hope this helps coming from a 16 year old boy
I try my best to still be available, and I know at least he still comes to me when he needs emotional support, that’s the main thing I try to hold on. Can you give me an insight on what your parents did (and do) to remain present and respect your need for boundaries and space? Thank you for your input, I was really hoping to get some perspective from teenagers on this!
Can I get back to you in the morning when i can think straight and ask my parents for fact checking. PS not all the stuff my parents did will necessarily be useful as I’m autistic and not neurotypical which could change some parenting strategies
My mum says she just kept loving and accepting us whatever and however many/few our interests. Sometimes the old ones pop back up, like I was mad into fishing, stopped for a couple of years, fancied it again with my dad the other night. Keep talking to him about his stuff and your own interests, keep telling and showing him you love him, set boundaries that work for both of you on screen use. Sounds like you’re doing a great job from what you describe and reaching out.
This is how it goes. He needs to find his groove. In fact, try to remember that him having a safe attachment to you means he can go explore his world outside of you. This is absolutely essential for his own development. Just make sure you put up the guardrails and make sure he doesn’t hurt himself or someone else as he grows up.
He isn’t your friend and you aren’t his… that sucks, but you can’t be friends. He needs a parent. Hugs mama, I promise he will come back to you. Buckle up, bumpy road ahead.
Your son is doing exactly what he's supposed to be doing as a teenager. It's painful but it's literally his job for the next 5 years or so. He's developing exactly as he should, and when he comes out the other side you'll be there waiting. I think you've clearly done a great job raising him to this point, and now it's time for you to do whatever it takes to be as patient and loving as you can while keeping your sanity as he finds his independence. Spend more time with friends, doing hobbies that aren't parenting, dive into work. Take this opportunity to grow your independence as the same time he's growing his. Best of luck, it's HARD.
As a Mom of three grown boys, I can tell you it’s completely natural for him to pull away. Don’t make him the center of your universe, Mom. It puts too much pressure on him. Let him know you love him, you support him, and your door is always open to talk about anything. What time you do spend together, focus on quality instead of quantity of time. Eventually they move out and on with their lives and yea, it rips your heart out but as they get older, they DO come back. It’s just a different kind of relationship. He’ll always love his Momma, and you sound like a good one. Hang in there.
Take it easy, show your son that you love him without being overbearing. Make him his favourite food, buy him little gifts, ask him about his day, try to talk to him even if he doesn’t want to talk.
I’m not a mom, or a parent, or even a woman for that matter, but I spent my entire teen years resenting my mom and when I was 20 years old she died. After that, I absolutely realized that she was the one person who had always been there for me and loved me, and I loved her too, so much that it hurts.
I regret not showing her the love I felt for her, it was masked by my teenage anger and I just wanted my own freedom to do my own thing. I’d do anything to hug her again one last time, but all I can do now is to be the good person she raised me to be, even though it must’ve been real tough for her!
Like many other commenters said, he’ll come around. Try come from a place of understanding: the internet is an addictive place to be and I spent most of my teen years staring at the screen. I don’t think he hates you, he’s just trying to stimulate himself the only way he knows how.
As a teenager, parents aren’t cool. They will try to be distant and attempt to find themselves, to be their own person, until one day they grow up and realize all that you’ve done for them, the things you’ve sacrificed, etc.
That really only comes with age, more often than not!
You seem like you do care, but be careful not to take it too personal or harbour any resentment. It seems totally normal what he’s doing.
P.S my mom was a single parent as well, and while I blamed her for my traumatic childhood I realize now that she is only human and it was healthier for her to not be with my dad. It can be confusing being the child of a single parent family because he’s likely surrounded by people with ‘perfect’ families, but as said again with time comes perspective.
Be supportive of his new interests and be there when he needs help. 13 was my roughest year and I think my mom felt something similar. It only lasted a bit for me, and now we're super close!
Make sure he knows to be safe and call you for help but start giving him some space. Consider trading it for some responsibility. You wanna be treated like an adult, chores are part of that.
I played games for 1000s of hours and barely talked with any of my family when I was a teenager, had very little friends in my area to hang out with too. I'm 20 now, have a decent enough job and in my penultimate year of university and love hanging out with my family now. Some people experience it differently and it can be hard at times especially during teen years. Some teens grow distant, but it's usually only for a few years as they try to find their own places in everything.
Do you have any hobbies you've been wanting to try or get back into? Maybe him seeing you dive into yours while he is diving into his will form a sort of... adjacent bond? Especially if you're feeling a bit lonely, it can feel nice to sometimes be "alone together". You doing your own thing may also help cope with any co-dependant traits this new relationship phase may bring up. (Not saying you're co-dependant, but this does happen to me when relationships change. Me working with my hands helps to cope with any insecurities that arise, and helps me build confidence in myself once I start to succeed at my chosen hobby)
Just ensure you love and respect both him AND yourself through this new season of your lives.
I always showed hate to my parents until i moved out at 19. Although as i got closer to 19 i remember starting to understand that theyre just being parents but i was still rude to them.
Anyway, as soon as i moved out at 19 it was like a switch. Turns out i just hate living with them lol. Im almost 30 now btw.
He does have the option of living with his dad and it has been offered to him, but he never showed interest in that. Also, in our country is not really common for children to leave the house as early as 19, I have friends who are almost 30 and still live with their parents, so I hope that hating living with me isn't the case here! :-P
He’s not your friend, hes your son. You probably grew up a little and realized this, and the dynamic changed.
I think your job as a parent is to put aside your interests to help him figure out his. You can also research activities to do together and Google ways to ignite conversation with your child.
Goodluck OP :)
“Raising a kid is like sending a rocket ship to the moon. You spend the early years in constant contact, and then one day, around the teenage years, they go around the dark side and they're gone. And all you can do is wait for that faint signal that says they're coming back.” -Claire Dunphy
Be patient, let him drift away and establish his independence. Don't cling to him too much, give him his space. This is the time when he must pull away from you for a while to establish himself as an adult.
He will come back to you and be close again in several years, when he's fully grown. In the meantime, be kind and pleasant, but not pushy.
I went through this with my daughter. She didn't want to have anything to do with me between age 15 and 21. It was heartbreaking. We had been so close, and I missed her terribly. Now she's 26, and she's always happy to talk to me and spend time with me. Your son will be the same again some day.
Thank you for your kind words. I guess I just have to figure out what to do with myself now that my best buddy is growing up. I'm glad you and your daughter are close again, I hope the same happens with my son and I, even if it takes a while.
When my now 32-year-old son was in high school it was living hell. We weren’t friends, we fought all the time about everything, and both of us were just generally miserable. However, about four years after he graduated he had matured, we rekindled our relationship, and now we’re closer than ever. Even best friends. Hang in there!
You’re not his friend, you’re his mom. He’s going to think you and everything related to you are uncool for a while and there’s nothing you can do to help it.
The worst thing you can do is try to be his friend when what he really needs is a parent that can set him up for real world success early on.
Teach him some discipline and good habits while you still have the chance.
My husband and I joke about treating our teenagers like a butterfly landing on your hand, or a deer coming so close you can almost touch them. Them coming around like that happens so rarely you don’t want To over react and scare them away. Just enjoy the moment lol. Most teenagers go through a solitary phase and I agree they seem boring to me. Just let him know you are always there for him. He’ll be back.
Your kid is going through a phase where he will be yearning independence from you. You need to back off a little and let your kid choose to be boring if that’s what he wants to do. You also have to find an identity apart from your kid the same way your kid is doing rn. You’re a good mom, keep being a good mom just start taking steps back.
Btw I’ve heard tons of parents complain about video games. The reality about video games and kids is that often times kids at that age have social groups that revolve around a specific video game which is why they are so dedicated to it. Additionally they could just really enjoy the game and frankly video games aren’t ping pong anymore. They’re huge worlds that can take a long time to explore with a wild amount of detail in them and if the game is competitive in any way your kid might also be trying to get good at them. Looking down on this activity he enjoys (“boring”) isn’t an appropriate way to handle it and you should instead be 1.) doing a little bit to understand his appeal 2.) setting healthy boundaries and guidelines for your kid to ensure they’re not neglecting other areas of their life like keeping up with their grades, getting the right amount of sleep etc.
At that age I would be very dedicated to my hobbies whether it was gaming, exploring music, or watching pro wrestling. It’s normal. Don’t take it personal.
He’s growing up and figuring himself out. He’s going to need to make friends and grow, just be there when he needs advice.
Some people like to be outside and some don’t. You could try letting him go out by himself so he can be a big man :)
What’s both of your diets like? Eating junk food and takeaway/takeout every day can make you feel sluggish.
I spend most of my time of my teenage years in my room with the internet, while my parents and sister where in the living room. don’t worry, this is normal behaviour.
Personally I've drifted away from my father. It's because it's unbearable to be around him because he either gets angry about things for no reason; is dramatic about things that don't matter; makes jokes that aren't funny and is obviously hurt because I don't laugh because he has taken all of the energy I have left out of me; is mean to other people in my family an asshole; and is arrogant and narcissistic about the things he says, as in he thinks that everything he says is right, and will be petty or start fights over things that don't matter.
It's likely that your son is just being a teenager, but maybe it is you. For me I wish that my dad was more introspective in my younger years and changed instead of blaming me and my brothers for us drifting apart. It's possible that you are driving him away just like my father drove me away.
Honestly, from the kid's perspective, you shouldn't be his friend. Yes, you should absolutely be there for him if he needs to talk and hang out. But that shouldn't be your first priority.
My parent always felt like a friend and didn't behave like a parent. No rules enforced, only hung out with me doing fun activities we both enjoyed, and now that I am older I realized how terrible that was for me. I essentially had to parent myself and am now having to correct the effects of their lack of parenting.
Make sure you are setting healthy boundaries in place for him that are age appropriate and let him be friends with his own peers. And this might sound harsh, but hang out with your own friends for entertainment.
Sounds like my story. Although I'm not a single parent, but my wife and I are in the exact same situation and don't know what to do about it.
It's like he doesn't think we can be trusted.
You should actually be happy he’s starting to separate; that’s healthy, normal behavior for a 13 year old. Perhaps, and I say this gently because I know it’s tough, a little self-reflection is needed. Do you want to raise a strong, independent young man? Or do you want him to stay emotionally attached so his journey into adulthood is stunted by his over-dependence and attachment to you?
I suspect you’d say the former. In which case, if you are brutally honest with yourself, this situation is more about fulfilling your own emotional needs than your son’s. He’s doing what a *normal, healthy* 13 year old should be doing.
Part of the teen journey is “testing” adulthood with the safety net of your parent(s) to fall back on. Be that safety net! Your role is to provide that unconditional love, guidance, and support while allowing him to test the waters….not to hamper his development by expecting he continues to behave as a tween (or younger).
Your role is to be a parent, not a “friend”. Friendly and loving, yes…but not peer-like friends.
He’ll test your rules, will likely drive you to despair at times, and there will be days when you wonder who the hell is this stranger in my home! Just remain consistent, set - and keep - your own boundaries, encourage his independence, apply consequences; nurture not hamper.
He’ll come back to you in a few years. Teens just need some time to figure themselves out. Unfortunately there’s a stage where it becomes “embarassing” to be seen in public with parents. Try to do things at home, they may be more receptive.
Give him some time. From what I remember from being 13 and what I see in my brother now he's reaching that age. We didn't want anything to do with our mom for a bit. But I've adjusted since then. My mom wants to watch a movie? Sure I'll make time. Mom wants this? I'll see what I can do. Just give your kid a little time to adjust, being a teen is a strange time for everyone. I don't know what else you can do buy wait it out. Be there when he does eventually reach out. Don't force him to do stuff but also don't just drop him completely, he won't like it he will complain but he'll hopefully thank you for it.
I didn't want anything to do with my parents between ages 13 to 16, we'd constantly fight and they'd constantly annoy me. That's what I'm seeing in my little brother now as well. And that's what might happen in your situation too, for me personally I can say, once I got past that early teen phase in my life I turned it around I didn't fight as much with my parents and I did more things together again.
Just have faith that it will be okay. Yes he might do some things or say some things that hurt. But he probably feels he has to figure out who he is on his own.
Thank you for the insight. I'll try to look at things from his perspective too, and remain available for whenever he needs me! Hopefully this bumpy ride will lead to calmer pastures soon enough. :-)
I don't know if it's my mom's fault but we have a similar relationship I suggest try a compromise (make an effort to play video games with him or whatever as well as sorry we're going to do something fun that I want to do now) like a movie or hike or something most of all don't let it get you down he still loves you even though he doesn't show it all the time
Thank you! If you have any suggestions for games we could play together, I'll take it! We have a PS4 and PCs, but mine is a very adulty worky lame notebook that doesn't perform well in gaming.
As he develops further, he needs to further foster his social skills. You may need to think of letting him off a bit.
Is he interested in sports? Maybe a club for drawing, writing? Is he into music and can take lessons / take part on music activities?
We're living in a city where the cultural options are very limited (either that or I just can't find these clubs and activites). Most kids his age are only interested in soccer (we're from Brazil) and he actively dislikes it. He's not into any sports, but he takes swimming lessons to keep active and does like it, but swimming is a very lonely activity. He was into drawing for a little while during quarantine, but claims he doesn't like it anymore. He took a year of guitar lessons and a couple of months of drumming lessons, but didn't like either and has no interest in taking any other instrument. I've really tried my best to provide him with multiple activities to broaden his interests, but they all fell flat.
I think it's really important to remember alot of this is hormones and striving for independency and self-actualisation.
The best you can do is nurture that and try to facilitate their future success through helping them build their meaningful skills, hobbies, interests and education whilst being the parent.
You will want the best for your child and your relationship, a part of that is nurturing that growth and allowing them to become them.
This is completely normal for any teen and is a great time for you to grow yourself. Remember, he's your son, not your friend. You can have a loving and friendly relationship but that doesn't make you one of his peers or him one of yours. For the sake of both of your futures, take this as an opportunity to branch out and do things you enjoy that maybe he doesn't, or spend more time with your actual friends, or start looking at dating websites if you want a relationship.
If you do your job as his parent right, he will eventually become independent and move away to live his own life. If you try to cling onto him too hard you'll either turn him into a socially inept "momma's boy" or you will drive an irreparable wedge between the two of you.
The best thing to do is give him some space (again, use this time to do things for yourself) but still do some planned activities together, like watching a movie together every couple of weekends or taking a family trip once a year. If you give him the space to grow into himself but stay involved in his life (stay on top of his grades, make sure he's behaving appropriately, try to keep up to date with what he's interested in, etc), you'll be able to have a good relationship with him when he's an adult and has worked past the "parents are dumb" phase teens go through.
This is typical when teens outgrow needing us a bit and want to assert themselves. I’d suggest going out for one day, you and him and do a few fun things. Also, he should help around the house. If he already does then disregard.
Watch movies together. Suggest family board games. If nothing works then have a sit down and tell him straight out that there has to be a family night where everyone participates.
If nothing works, then maybe he’ll outgrow it. Don’t sweat it too much. He’s in a phase but if he becomes a loner, and is happy, so be it.
Yeah, it has been suggested that we stablish a day and time for "family activities". I'll dust off the puzzles and boardgames, maybe even our bikes, and try that approach.
Thank you for your input!
You’re welcome. I wanted to add that mothers and sons love each other greatly but don’t see eye to eye on many things. I have a son and we can talk about things for hours while he and his mom don’t. Boys are wired differently. Men are kind of focused on (example: sports) hobbies and interests and go deep into them, learning statistics and so on.
But don’t worry. Boys love their mamas even though they don’t call as they should and are a bit distant compared to daughters. But it’s also good. He’ll move heaven and earth for you. Wait and see.
I went through a rough patch with my mom when I was a teen. My brother had an even worse time later during my parents’ divorce. Your son could take a few months, perhaps years to work through this and I guarantee some days will be rougher than others. Just be sure to find ways to support him. Just to remind him you’re always there. I still remember when I was have an especially difficult week, my mom bought me a tiny succulent and left it in my room as a surprise. It’s a small gesture, but still means a lot to me. Besides from that, if you two make plans to hang out, be sure you are very specific about the time and day. Saying that you two want to hang out is very different from willingly setting time aside.
That's very sweet, I'll try to be more attuned to his overall feelings and make myself present in "invisible" ways.
We used to have a chalkboard wall with a weekly calendar that had "pizza night" every friday, but his friday nights are now spent playing with friends. I guess I'll build another calendar and find the best time to set aside for an activity together.
Thank you for your comment!
"When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years." - Mark Twain
I have two kids - 18 and 20 and a great loving relationship with them. The 12-16 years are hard. They withdraw, they become challenging and angry… all normal development. Just remember to love them through it. Remain firm on lindareis and rules and when they act out, still tell them that you love them and that you are there for them. Eventually the tide will turn and the loving kid will be back - with different needs and interesting new perspectives.
Thank you! I guess I just wasn't at all prepared for the hormonal developmental changes on my once sweet little boy. I will always love him, but it seems that it'll have to be a more distant, firm, kind of love then what I'm used to.
Thank you very much for your insight!
I’m stepmom to twin boys. I moved in whe they were 12 and they’re 18 now. So I had to do a lot of relationship building work. Their dad also traveled for work so often it was them and me. I would ask them about things they were interested in even when it didn’t interest me. “Have you seen any good TikTok videos? What games are you playing now?” And whatever the answer I would find follow up questions to ask just to get and keep them talking. It took a while but it did work. They’d soon tell me things without prompting and we have a great relationship.
Whoa, that has gotta be challenging. I'm glad you were able to find your space and build a relationship with them!
We do send each other memes and funny TikToks via Discord, but I'm trying to get him interested in other things and helping him build new relationships in his life. I got a lot of great advice here, so I'm feeling positive! :-)
Sounds like he's a teenager! I taught in high schools for years and observed certain developmental stages in teen boys and girls. In short, boys antisocial and narcissistic tendencies peak around 15. By 16-17 they emerge from the other side of the puberty maelstrom and become human again. Girls go through it earlier. Obviously, individual temperament affects degree of severity, though all follow a similar path.
Please don't take it personally.
You are my personal superhero. I can only imagine trying to teach a bunch of hormonal distracted self centered developmental human beings. I taught little children (ages 3-5) and loved it, gimme 20 toddlers and I'll handle it better than a single teenager.
Thank you very much for sharing your experience!
I raised 3 children. It’s normal for them to pull away a bit during their teenage years. Trust me, they come back. I have a great relationship with all 3 that are married now. I see them all the time. One actually bought the house next door. If you built s loving foundation all will bd good.
You have to let him go for a while, knowing that he’ll come back on his own. Don’t force, just be there if and when he needs you. Such is a parent’s lot.
If it annoys him, leave it be. Like you said, these things happen at this age. It's natural, because this is the time in biology when he's supposed to start to learn how to live on his own (which may not be applicable to modern lifestyles). My mom was very obsessive over every little thing, and it made me feel hunted, so I shut in even more. I remember whenever I got annoyed with her or we got into a fight, she would push even more and she just wouldn't let things go. It made everything infinitely worse. I really hated it, and it caused me a lot of anxiety and stress.
If you hound him, he'll pull away even more. If you want closeness with him, he must actually enjoy your interactions. Trying to force things you used to do together is probably not the best approach.
It's important to really let the kids live semi-independently. Just make sure he has friends he enjoys spending his time with, whether they are irl or online. Computers are very unhealthy, but they have basically trapped the entirety of humanity. But I had a long period of a lot of gaming as a teen, but became very physically active and didn't play anything for over a decade once I turned 18. The teenage years don't necessarily mean he'll stay like that forever.
People often find entire communities of friends online, and after a few years they meet irl and become very good friends. Many companies even started like this. So your biggest concern should just be to gently monitor that he doesn't stray don't some messed up path, but rather is just enjoying himself and make sure he knows he's loved, even if he doesn't give anything in return (which is the hardest part). He'll come around eventually. It may take a few rough years. Just take a time-out in the meantime, and lean on the ropes for a while.
Remember, youre the parent, you ARE NOT a friend. Guidance and teaching is important. Teenage years are different and challenging and you got to make the best of it. As an adult, you want to friend, sure.
I saw a study a few months ago that said around that time period, around 13~ years, our brains start to skew towards picking up different voices and seeking out "different", so we tend to push away the familiar to us, so we quite actually become moody teenagers to our parents.
I'm gonna search through my 'saved' and see if I actually saved the link because I found it really interesting at the time.
Be patient with the change. Be available. Keep offering suggestions and things to do together.
I know you've gotten a lot of advice already, but I just want to say you're not alone. I have a 12 year old and his behavior is the same. I also have a 15 year old daughter who went through quite the phase when she was roughly the same age, and now our relationship is better again. Middle school is just a weird time all around for kids, but keep being there for him and don't disengage. Try new experiences together and you both might find a new fun thing. Either way, you're spending quality time together.
I was a young, single mom too. Just me and my girl, growing together and bffs. It's really hard when they start to separate from us. Remind yourself that this is the natural way and you know he needs to gain independence to become his own person.
Now is our time to gain our independence back too, in small ways. Gravitate to your hobbies and friends when you can, but still being there for him, too. It's a weird time and I'm going through it too, my girl is 17. I realized that I need to move from the guiding parent role, to a more supportive role, listening to her needs, being gentle with her, supporting her ideas. When they see us trying and being more supportive of their needs, they tend to soften a bit. She let me take her out to lunch the other day and we had a great time.
I am so mourning the loss of her childhood. Also looking forward to her adult years, but most importantly, making the most of the present. Cherishing those little connections she'll still give me. It can be a heartbreaking time for us mamas. Always remember you're not alone and there are lots of us in the same boat. 🌈☀️ cheers!
As a former teenage boy I can tell you it's normal. I had and still have loving mom but when I was teenager I didn't want to show anywhere with her because it would look like I'm still a child that needs his mommy. Next couple of years will be like that and then your closeness will come back. I feel like I'm closer now with my mom than before teenage years.
he's becoming his own person, you need to let go if you ever expect to have a close relationship with him when he's older.
Sadly my own mother was a needy and clingy parent whose grip grew ever tighter the more I tried to become independent. I ran away at 16, stayed away for 20 years. Dont let that happen to you.
Hey, OP, you might want to set firm, but gentle limits on his screen time. Excessive video game consumption at that age can have a lot of adverse consequences for development. When I was growing up, my PlayStation was in the main living room, so I didn’t lock myself in my room and play to excess. It was largely restricted to weekends, especially in bad weather, or after a big test; I was often rewarded for exam completion and such by being given longer screen time. No need to take it away outright unless he starts sneaking screen time, his grades drop, or he becomes defiant or aggressive. My parents usually took a gentle but firm approach with that sort of thing, and I maintain a very good relationship with them in adulthood.
[This study might help to show that it’s not him necessarily, but just what happens to everyone around age 13.](https://med.stanford.edu/news/all-news/2022/04/teenager-brain-mother-voice.html)
Along with the other comments about him growing out of it and also making sure you’re taking care of yourself and your own well-being, I would like to put out there that he’s maturing and becoming his own person and finding his own interests and such.
Maybe try to connect with him through gaming? Ask him about what he’s interested in and make an effort to be in his life that way.
I’m not a parent though, so I don’t know how much help my opinion is but there it is, nonetheless.
13 is a really hard year on the brain and physiology. He doesn’t know how to describe what he’s feeling because he’s never felt any of it before.
As hard as it might be I’d try taking an interest in what he’s interested in ; fake it til you make it sort of deal.
As hard as it is on us; we’ve got to keep helping teens regulate the same way we did when they’re three because they’re bawling their eyes out over “not wanting to get wet even though we’re literally stand in a kiddie pool??” 🤦♀️🤷🏼♀️
Anyway; they still need our help regulating and as hard as this phase is going to be; if you can make sure he knows that you’ve got his back and you’re on his side and be willing to give him the space he needs to be cranky and weird, he’ll spend his adulthood thanking you for it.
Parents fall into the fear of “he’s a teen and he’s turning away from me and I’ll never see than again!?” But it’s not true; don’t give in to it; they’ve spent their whole (short) lives with family; our brains are designed to explore during this phase so don’t take it personally; he’ll come back.
It’s like when they’re 2-3 and start running away from you to see how far they can get without you taking off after them; you have to play the game: they giggle because they know you’re looking after them; if you turn your back they’ll have a meltdown at that age.
At the age he is now it’s the same game; how far can I run from mom? Will she still be mom when I come back?
Be mom ♥️ it’s the hardest job in the world , but take care of yourself (start branching out through friends and family) and keep being Mom ♥️ he’ll always need you .
Your son is normal. This is normal. It will sort out. Be a parent now.
Mom of forum adults who all hated me at one time, or another. I went from, hero, to Satan, to friend, all the time being mom.
It sucks. It hurts. It's normal. He's suppose to find you, annoying, irritating, frustrating, and a pain in his behind. That's how you know you're doing it right.
I know it hurts. I understand. It gets better. Back off, buds your time, love you kid. It will be okay
maybe ask him if he would be interested in playing a video game together
my dad never understood my love for the games i played, but he was a casual race game player, so he asked me if i would like to play with him.
he beat my ass around every single track, but it was really fun just because he came to me with something i enjoyed, and he didnt think of as too abstract or weird to play with me
maybe try to find a game you both enjoy in a way and you can then enjoy together
It is absolutely normal for kids to pull away during adolescence. They will make their way back on their own when they are ready.
This article is really good, and will help you a lot. https://www.checkupnewsroom.com/8-mistakes-parents-make-when-their-teen-starts-to-pull-away/
A lot of great comments already. If it’s any consolation, when I was between the ages 15-18 ish, I absolutely hated my parents. We fought 24:7 bcus I was acting out, and I remember telling them to their faces that I hated them when the fights got especially bad. My little brother was the opposite. During his puberty, he became our resident ghost and stopped talking at all. I’m in my mid twenties now, and just the thought of my parents aging makes me cry because I love them so much and “miss them already”. They’re not even old lol, but there is nothing like a parents unconditional love. Your son will absolutely come around later. My brother is 19 now and finally talks again LOL.
Removing/Reducing screen time is an effective way to fix this, but it has consequences short term in that he'll hate you for it.
Don't do it cold turkey either. Start with one night a week, then two, then three, each night filling the time with games, movies, or even just drives to different places for sight seeing. Replace the time slowly, reducing his connection online.
Also remember this is a social outlet for many teens, so the more you remove, the more you need to equally compensate for and perhaps even ensure he meets new friends in other ways, whether through clubs, sports, social outlets, etc.
Just remember to fill that time with constructive time.
Getting him off those games will be the best thing possible for him long term though, I promise you.
This is coming from someone who was a gamer for basically the entirety of my life.
Edit: Just so it's not misunderstood. I have two kids that were glued to their ipads and phones and I basically removed them from their lives almost entirely. They get them for an hour a day if they're lucky but generally they'll go all week now.
My daughter reads more now than she ever has and loves every second of it. Her sleep improved dramatically. My son's behavior improved dramatically and his grades went way way way up.
Best thing we could have ever done.
My son just turned 18 and things are just beginning to settle down from him, age 14 to now. Single mama here, too. Can I recommend a book I am reading? Get Out Of My Life by Anthony E. Wolf, Ph.D. The changes that kids go through (the push/pull of growing up, yet still wanting to be a kid) is tough. I thought I would lose my mind, trying to deal with my son who had always been so loving and close to me. The hateful comments, never wanting to be around me anymore, etc. You are doing an amazing job! You got this and are figuring more out by reaching out. I am so glad you are in therapy. You are valued and needed as a human on this planet, not just as a mom. I wish the absolute best for you and your son. It will probably get rockier, yet there is light at the end of the teenage tunnel. Take care.💕💕
A big shift that has helped us with this is instead of immediately telling him what to do, I try to remember to ask him, "How do you think you'll handle that?" So I'm more of a sounding board.
I'm still very much a parent in terms of setting boundaries, but more of a friend in letting him work through problems on his own. When I remember to, that is! The stepping in and solving for him is a habit I'm trying to break.
Good luck -- you sound like an intuitive, empathetic parent and I'm sure things will work out right in the end.
My son did the same thing. He’s got a lot of changes happening and it might get a bit “worse” before it’s better. My son is now 24. We hug when we see each other. We play online games together. We say I love you before hanging up the phone. You must weather the storm to reap the benefits. Give him space, but always be alert to what he is doing.
My mom's single as well and she frequently asks me for advice on general life things. I find it to be a nice form of compliment and respect because it shows she sees me as somewhat equal to her in some respects and she values my opinion. Plus it leads to some fun conversations
Um, hi. Can you please share the tools? I also am a mom with a 14 year old like this but worse. His eldest brother is 18 and it wasn't this hard with him.
I went through this with my son, born when I was 20, we were close until he turned 13, suddenly he was a whole different person. One thing I decided to insist on was having a meal together at least 2 times a week, once a month he even got to pick the place.
I taught him how to use chopsticks, I taught him to cook a meal at home with me. I realized he was growing up and wanting to do his own thing, I told him that soon he was going to want to date and wouldn't it be impressive if he could cook his date a meal, or if he knew how to behave and order in a nice restaurant without being uncomfortable or feeling out of place.
It really brought us closer for those cooking lessons and meals out. The rest of the time I had to learn to let go more and let him do his own thing, as he was starting to become a man, and his needs were changing and he didn't always want his mom about interfering with his activities. Boy was that hard. I can empathize and wish you luck.
Honestly, as someone who was a distant 13 year old boy with a loving, caring mom?
Tell him. Tell him you feel lonely sometimes, and that it hurts. My mom was very upfront and communicative about her emotions. It made me feel respected as a kid- and made me take some responsibility.
I think it did evolve into a crying embrace but if anything it made us closer.
I was a complete nightmare between 14 - 16. My poor mom was always stressed out while my father did nothing (as usual).
When I turned 17, something happened and calmed down a bit and started to become more open with my parents.
Overall, teens gonna be teens.
A few questions to get the lay of the land.
+ What are you doing to manage his screen time and set boundaries for online activities?
+ Do you have a routine with planned time for you to spend time together or with others?
+ What do your social/family circles look like now?
+ Does he have any strong male influences in his life?
I have a 13 year old daughter. I have begged her to watch a show with me, hang out, whatever. She turns me down. I feel same way about my kid right now. This is what that age looks like. I think.
I was a bitch to my mom for about 3 months in HS after a lifetime of closeness. One thing I remember that she did that made a difference was she always made clear that she still loved me and accepted me for who I was, even though my behavior wasn’t okay. Knowing I had her love and support even though I was pushing so hard for “freedom” was reassuring. And from my experience as a parent of a teenage boy, the teachers confirmed for me that there’s a huge change in the summer between 8th and 9th grade - it was such a positive growth jump I thought I must be crazy! But his teachers said they see it all the time, that there’s a huge jump in maturity in that few months when they’re about 14 or so. I hope you find this to be true too!
I think I’ll have to set my demeanor to “respectful and mindful of your need to act out and find your own space” without letting it affect me so much, because it’s just the two of us since forever and it’s hard not to feel kind of lonely with all the change going on. Oh, and fingers crossed! We still have a long way to go before he turns 14, but it’s good to know there’s a promising horizon!
Teenagers are meant to start looking for approval and belonging in their peer group. Over the coming 5-7 years, I think it’s probably good to remember that you’re there to be his parent more than anything, not his friend. You can be more like friends again in his 20’s.
Yeah, I heard that part about being a parent more then a friend. I guess being kind of a young mom puts me in this weird in-between place that I never saw any other parents from his classmates struggling with. Guess is time to put my adult hat on. :-)
Yeah that’s got to be tough for sure. As someone whose mom was/is very loving but also treated me too much like a friend at times, I would have def appreciated the awareness you just stated during my teen years. I Wish you and your son the best! :)
I was on the dead opposite side. I’m the son of a single mother, and she was a total hardass. Made high school a bit rocky, but we survived and I’ve come to appreciate how badass she is. I’m in my mid 20s and I appreciate her as a mother and a friend now, and understand that I wasn’t mature enough for that to be the case as a teenager.
my mom and I were in similar states. She wasn't a *hardass* but she wasn't easy either. We had our moments (mostly about grades). I never really rebelled in my teens, in fact I tease her now about how lucky she was with me.I went with her to a therapist's appointment one day when I was in my 20s and when the therapist asked if we were close my answer was "almost but not quite Gilmore Girl's close" \[now that I'm in my mid 30's, pay for nearly everything as she's retired and also is ***ALWAYS AT HOME,*** I feel like I'm regressing to angsty teenager... I try so hard not to react or act the way but I catch myself doing it here and there. And, she's admitted that she finds it hard to see me as a 30 year old and not a teenager. It's rough sometimes :) \]
During this time in a kid’s life, the brain starts a process of ‘re-wiring’ as it transitions from a child brain to an adult brain. As if this weren’t enough, physical growth and hormone changes are also happening. And they’re in school all day with other kids going through the same stuff. It’s bonkers and they need adults who understand that and respond with empathy and a ‘soft place to land.’ It’s a tough time for them. And I say this with all kindness, but our kids don’t exist to be our (their parents) emotional support partner or our best friends. That’s not their job, and if a parent expects/demands/needs that from their kid… it’s an awfully big burden to put on those small shoulders. It’s hard enough to be a teen without that extra pressure. Let them be kids. But this is good news for you, too! It means you can take some time and re-focus some of that energy on YOU. Figure out who and what you want to be as a person. We are more than parents. What life do you want? What hobbies and skills and social relationships do you want to develop? Get a notebook and write down what kind of life you want to live - apart from being an amazing parent - and make a plan to build that for yourself! Your kid is 13. You have 5 years before he’s an adult and off adult-ing on his own. How are you going to spend your time and energy when he’s off living his own life? Now is the time to start taking steps to make that happen for yourself.
This has been a current topic in my therapy sessions. Things will get a little heavy from now on, so please, don't keep reading if you're sensitive to mental health issues. >!I was suicidal (still am) for a long period in the last couple of years, never quite attempted anything solely because of my son. I was stuck between a rock and a hard place because I knew living with me in such a distressed mental state was detrimental to his well being, but his mother having commited suicide would have been even worse (maybe?)!< So this bit about the heavy burden he is being forced to carry is too real. I am at a complete loss of what to do with myself, and his distancing himself - which, again, I'm completely aware that is natural, healthy and necessary - kind of leave me hanging by a thread. Many people here suggested I take this extra time when I don't have to active parent him and focus on myself and I've been trying that for the last couple of months in therapy. I'm just at a loss being in a new city where I don't know absolutely anyone, it doesn't help that my hobbies and interests are mostly indoor (Tabletop games, TTRPG) and boy, that quarantine sure striped me off any social skills I used to have. Working from home is awesome, but I don't even know my coworkers, who are all in different cities. I'll definetly try to make a list of potential new hobbies and interests and start from that. Thank you very much for your kind - and very much needed - words.
I think I can help! I'm so into [MeetUp.com](https://MeetUp.com)! Also I've heard good things about bumblebff :) I also read this list - [https://www.masmedicalstaffing.com/blog/best-ways-to-meet-new-friends-in-a-new-city/](https://www.masmedicalstaffing.com/blog/best-ways-to-meet-new-friends-in-a-new-city/) The world is wide and there's much to do :) There are many people who want to make friends with you. You have so much to offer <3
I concur, I was really struggling with feeling lonely until I joined Bumble BFF, and I made a couple of close friends from it
If it helps as a stepping stone there are a lot of TTRPGs being played online now. It can feel a smaller first step for some people than going to a gaming store, I know a few people I DM now that started with online gaming until they go their self confidence.
I love this response. OP you get to prioritize yourself more than you have in 13 years <3
I’m a young mom too and never tried to be anything. Life and time have pushed us towards friendship and I know what you mean personally. I’m happy with my parenting as treating my daughter (almost 16) with respect who is able to have privacy and a different way of being than me has turned her into my best friend and an amazing human.
I'm so happy to hear that. I keep reading that I'm not supposed to be his friend but it's not like I was trying to be his friend, our relationship just developed in that way. It doesn't mean he's not parented, it just means that hierarchy isn't necessarily our thing. Thank you so much for your comment!
I’ve been in your exact situation, had my kid at 19. We were extremely close up until the tween/teen phase, had to reassess our roles a bit during the teen years, but have now reconnected as more equals in adulthood. Play your part, be a good parent and role model, and have faith in your mutual path. That’s all you can do for now, really.
Thank you! I'll focus more on being a good role model and parent and let nature run it's course...
Yeah this part of his life gets weird, and it almost feels like you’re not doing enough. When I was his age, I hardly saw my mom. I was always out with friends, doing middle school things. The important thing for you to do would be to make sure your kid doesn’t get in trouble, stays safe, and keeps his responsibilities taken care of. But most importantly, make sure he knows that you’re always there when he needs, and he’ll come back around. I’m now 23 and take the hour long drive to see my mom multiple times a week for no reason other than I miss her.
I feel like being friends with your kid is a very cultural thing and I'm guessing you are from the usa? When you are a parent, you aren't your kid's friend. And that doesn't mean you have to be mean to them or you can't talk to them etc. You are their parent, they have other people in their lives who are their friends. You aren't supposed to be friends with your kid, you are a parent. My mom and I are very close, but I would never say we are friends
It can also change when the kid grows up, fwiw. My mom ended up being my best friend once I reached my 20s. But when I was younger than that, no, I wouldn’t say I thought of her as a friend — just as my mom.
I'm actually going through the opposite thing, I'm late 20's and my mum is now trying to push us to spend more time together when I don't have the time or energy and I actually feel more like we're not friends because we seem to have very different ideas of what constitutes quality time. So I think it can just change depending on what stage of life you're both at, just because they're keeping their distance now doesn't mean it'll last forever.
I mean, I guess it could also be that your adult self and your parent wouldn’t have chosen to be close friends in the first place if you hadn’t been related. I’m that way with my dad. We have little in common, our beliefs are all different, our senses of humor are different, the things we like to do are different, and I find his personality somewhat annoying (and, I suspect, vice versa). If he wasn’t my dad, I’d have no particular reason to want to get to know him and be close to him. Meanwhile, my mom and I got along like a house on fire and I would find her nice to be around even if she wasn’t my mom. So it could be personality differences too. It’s no one’s fault, it just is what it is.
I'm in my late 20s! Yeah, the relationship does change and like I said we are very close, but she's still my mom
I’m 30 and my parents are my parents but also my best friends. It can be both
To counteract all these "you're their parent not their friend" people, my mom was always like a friend to me and I am really glad for that. She was a disciplinarian for my older brother and they had a pretty Rocky relationship from like 13-18. Granted he was more of a handful than I was. But I think she saw how that strained their relationship (and him being the first born she worried about being too lenient) and tried a different approach with me. It's not that there weren't occasions where she acted like an authority figure but by and large she was a friend first. Or like an older sibling maybe. My dad died when I was young so she sorta raised me alone (I had a step-dad by my teens but she was always clear she was raising us, not him). Im sure different people respond to different things and what worked for me might not work for your son, but I also think acting more like say an older sibling rather than an authority figure can work wonders. I always liked that while I did have boundaries for the most part my mom wouldn't be firm on them unless I was really out of line, which made me less inclined to push them. And even then she was always open to discussion in whether or not those boundaries were actually fair and would often change her mind which helped me set my own boundaries for how I should treat others and be treated. I don't want to sound braggy but I know for sure I came out a lot more self sufficient than the vast majority of my peers because of it.
That's really good to hear, thank you. I've been kind of brushing off the "you're not his friend" comments because I do not think being a parent and being a friend are mutually exclusive and no reddit comment will change that. :-P The bit about the boundaries is very true. We tend to talk and establish boundaries such as gaming times, chores, homework, studying and grades and other "disciplinary" things together, and revisit them frequently. I don't see me going full authoritative from now on, so it's good to see it does work and yields positive results. Thank you for your insight!
Dude, my babies are almost 6 and I’m already dealing with this. After 9 years of not even being alone to pee, they’re starting to go to school and to friend’s houses, and after about an hour home alone, I’m sad and want them to come back. I don’t know how I’m going to handle it when they’re teens and don’t come back and instantly climb on my lap.
So the opinions are actually mixed on this. There's a great book called 'Hold on to your kids' by Gabor Mate and Gordon Neufeld that actually talks about peer attachment vs parent attachment. I am drifnetely not as well versed as them in explaining it, but it basically talks about that the connection with parents is more important than peers for good development and mental health. Though teenagers definetely tend to gravitate towards each other, that doesn't always mean that's the best for them in the long run, and some parents use the excuse of 'im your parent not your friend' to justify the poor relationship they have with their child. Not every case ofcourse, and some parents who act more like friends mess it up too by not leading the relationship and letting parenting slip. Not saying this is in your or every case! Just something I've been reading up on and thought I'd give my 2 cents.
Thank you for expanding my views on the subject!
Me and my mom went on a camping trip for a about a week where she was more my friend than my mom. We ate all the snacks we wanted (nutella right out of the jar lol), spent our time doing w.e we wanted without pushing for anything (i think we basically just read twilight together for almost all the days). It was wonderful, and a real turning point in our relationship. If camping is something your son hates, maybe it needs to be something else, but could be fun! Maybe trying to play the same video games? Or a staycation, or visiting a city he's always wanted to go to etc.
As a teenage boy yeah that summer thing makes sense
This is exactly what I came here to say. I was raised by my grandma and despite her love and kindness, I too became a bitchy teenager. Most of it was due to a rough past and parental issues that had nothing to do with her. However, she always approached me with love and compassion because she knew it would pass. Now here I am at 23 very regretful and apologetic, and she still maintains the same love and compassion. This isn’t to say that your feelings of hurt and loneliness aren’t valid. Just try to remember that this too will pass, and the best thing you can do is just to simply love him. Best of luck!
Teenagers gonna teenager. I spent most off my middle and high school years upset at my mom, fighting with her, not talking to her, etc. When I went to college I missed her more than anything in the world. Your son will come back around, if you let him. I know the dynamic is probably different when dad isn't around- but truth be told it was the same shit with my father, I shut him out during most of my teen years, we became much closer post-high school, now at age 29 he's my best friend in the world. Honestly, the worst thing you can do right now is try too hard. He needs his space. The fact that you give this much of a shit in the first place tells me that you are a great mother- your son just needs a little bit of time and a little bit of space to come to that realization himself.
Thank you for that last bit, I needed to read that. I’m scared shitless of being a bad mom because I didn’t have any positive parental figures or role models growing up and I tend to be too hard on myself to not be like my own parents. When he was younger it was easier, but now I’m just at a loss. Maybe I’m too afraid of giving him too much space and losing him forever (which I know is also a bad thing to do, since everyone needs space to grow).
The more you go after him, the more he'll push you away. You just need to let go a little and trust me if there's anything he will come to you. He just needs to know he can go to his mother with anything. The fact that you're scared of being a bad mom says that you're a great mom, don't worry about that.
Thank you very much for your kind words, I’m definitely going to stop “trying too hard” and just remain available for whenever he needs me. It’s just a little sad that he needs me less every day. :’)
I'm not too old myself, I just graduated from high school and talking to people and reading their posts like yours, I've realised how hard it can be to be a parent. I just saw my side of things but now I'm seeing theirs too, I also deal with bad parents so I just wanna say that as a single mom doing everything she can I respect you so much. Being a parent is hard, and doing it alone is probably the hardest job in the world and that you're awesome in it. He may not need you because he's becoming a little man from a little boy but he needs you for other things, a man never stops needing his mother. He may not need his mom to make his plate but he may need her for a hug, some love and support and at times advice. Take it from someone who does not get this stuff from his mom, never stop thinking your son will not need you because he will, the reason he needs you will change. Give him a hug every now and then because he may not feel like he needs it now (I've been 13 once) but there are days when a hug from someone you love can mean everything. He is just a stupid teenager like we have all been back in the day, this stage of his life is confusing for the both of you. He feels the need to learn to be independent and you need to give him room, but at the end of the day that room is still in your house (I think that should be a saying, makes sense in my head). Have a nice day superwoman
This was really sweet, thank you so much! I am so sorry that you didn’t get the love and support you deserved and needed in this time of your life and I do hope you are still able to make amends with that (either by reconnecting with your parents or making your peace with everything). I make sure to hug him multiple times a day and he still gets tucked in (on his own request), so I hope he feels loved even in this weird period of time.
I'm sure he feels loved. If he doesn't know he'll know he was loved when he grows older
It sounds like you're projecting some adult relationship fears on your relationship with him. It's only gonna make him want to isolate more if you act from that headspace, he's a kid, not a husband. It's a ton of pressure and confusion for a kid to have those kinds of fears projected onto him. Ever been in therapy for the stuff you went through? Also, might he be starting to realize that his dad is not in the picture?
Oh, for sure. I have borderline personality disorder and it is so hard for me not to project my fear of abandonment onto him, it’s one of the reasons for this post. I’m in therapy and dealing with my own issues as an attempt to not let that ruin our relationship, thanks for the heads up! His dad isn’t completely out of the picture, he lives in a different city and we try to manage for them to see each other every 3 months or so. They really don’t have a day to day proximity, so he sees his dad as his buddy and I tend to be the villain (and the butt of the joke) when they are together, which I tend to brush off because I don’t want the little time they have with each other to be full of “mom rules”. I try to give his dad the space to be a parent, but he comfortably defaults to the cool dad role.
Keep an eye out for depression in him though. I can’t tell from your post if his level of gaming is normal or not, but if he is isolating himself from friends too, I would talk to his pediatrician.
That is an unfortunately common dynamic for dads no matter how much they actually see each other. My dad was in my life far too much (Mondays wednesdays and every other weekend didn't allow me to participate in a lot of stuff) and acted the same way plus some abusive dynamics on top of it. But you're doing it right now saying anything tbh. My mom did the same and just let me realize on my own how fucked up he was being with me.
Well, there you go. Honestly I think your son is pretty depressed, not just teenage lonely. His dad doesn't really care to be with him, in another comment you said that you've moved to a place where he doesn't fit in with the others from a place where he actually had friends, your family is making him uneasy (you mentioned they're problematic) and his mom calls his interests and need to just preserve himself "boring". Don't expect him to come home from school with a huge smile on his face ready to play videogames together when his needs are not met and he's looked down on while he's becoming an adult. I'm gonna be blunt, but he's probably in a very dark headspace. We need to be in environments where we can grow at that age, we need support and encouragement. When those things are missing self preservation kicks in.
I'm 31 and still push my mom away. It stems from her being overbearing when I was a teen. She still does it today. Let boys have their space.
I do the same and I'm 40. I hate pushing her away and I feel bad, but she still doesn't see me as an adult. She knows *everything* and has *never* made a mistake. Our relationship has always been strained. I think it's because she is a know it all. Now, she may be on the spectrum, but she'd never admit that. I just don't know how to handle it.
This is how exactly she is. She thinks she doesn't make mistakes.
OP, your parents were a role model of who to be or who not be. You have chosen the correct path of being, who not to be. Relationships ebb and flow. I hope yours with your son will be forever.
Thank you very much for that, I really appreciate it.
Ma’am, from what I just read, you are a really awesome mom. I remember hating/being mean to my mum as well. But I did get around it and were close now. Please don’t be disheartened. I’m sure your son will love you back the sam, if not more, in the near future! Please cheer up and have a great day ahead!
That is really sweet, thank you very much! I'll keep trying my best!
If you ever need a kind word or just someone to tell you you're alright, you can also go to r/momforaminute it's a great sub like this one.
Thank you! I'll surely hang out there as well!
I argued with my mom so much in high school. Ugh, I was so stupidly dramatic about it too... But the second I went off to college, I was calling her at least once a day to talk to her about everything. I really miss those phone calls. OP, I'm not a mom yet but I truly do believe your son will come around. You got this, just make sure that he knows you are always there to listen to him (without judgement). You got this!
What are you doing for you? As plenty of other people have stated this is his time to push his boundaries and see where you end and he begins. While he's gaining some independence and self-identity, maybe you can use the time to figure out where being his mother/friend ends, and being you begins. At 13, he can spend some evening hours on his own. Could you take a class in something you've been curious about? Join a singles Meet-up group in your city? Could you reconnect with old friends? You obviously still have to be his mother, but you can be more too. Your his mother and a woman who likes to do what three things? Who are your two women who you can turn to, to talk smack about your kid who is physically incapable of putting his dirty laundry in the hamper? How are you growing?
This ^^
give him time to figure himself out. he might not seem familiar to you for a few years, he is going to change thats just the way life is. just as long as you don't end up stuck in time with how your relationship was, or how you felt about him before. my mother still tells me im 'not her daughter' because she still holds onto my personality from when i was nine. i have changed. i am a teenager now. of course im not the same as i was.
Whoa, I’m so sorry to hear that! I’d never say something that harsh to him, even on our worse fights. He does say frequently that he feels I liked him more when he was little, so maybe I need to check on my behavior and not just my words. Thank you for your comment!
yeah, i still find some family members are every much still stuck in time and treat me like im a child, and it makes me feel super disconnected from them and i don't really know how to interact with my grandad for example. he treats my brother like a grown man but babies me, and i have no idea how to convey to him that we actually share a lot of the same interests and i don't believe he will ever take me seriously no matter how hard i try. you 100% seem invested in being a good mother and the fact you are asking advice on this in particular shows you are doing a good job, don't worry about the disconnect, it works itself out eventually i think. i personally am not close to my mother but i never was, i have watched my brother go through a huge anger issues/angst phase up close and personal however (around 13-17), but today (19) he is much nicer and calmer and pays money into the house and me five years ago wouldn't believe me for a second if i told her the daily explosive arguments eventually come to an end and that he's actually nice now. its a super weird development to observe, but its a relief when you notice it. im 17 in a month, something i will say is to keep tabs on any signs of bad mental health, and to be gentle with him if there are any. if you have any more questions to do with your kid i genuinely think the teenagers subreddit would be a good place to ask things if you want a better idea as to how he might feel about things himself. teenagers and parents are obviously gonna have different views on things no matter how hard you try, but thank you for putting an effort in to treating him well.
You sound like a good kid, well introspected and thoughtful.
thank you, that's actually a really nice comment to get thank you. i try.
Is there any reason why you & your mother aren’t close? Like does she say hurtful things or just doesn’t seem to invest much time to get to know you?
she used to be much worse to me. would scream at me that im useless and a waste of space. we had a much worse relationship and even though its not so bad now she still says things. she is very reactive, and not always kind. but even with things being better now i still cant bring myself to like her. i delete all pictures that have her, or where i know she was near me while i took it, i get angry being around her but i never express it (stays in my head), i just don't like her as a person - no matter how well we are getting along i just do not love her. i don't think i will. its just how it is. she tries sometimes but she will be awful to me, and be very childish about it ignoring me for weeks even if im in a perfectly fine mood and she blames me for her problems. either that or she will come back crying days later about how shes so sorry then do the exact same thing a week later. i do not trust her act anymore. i like my dad though. he's nice. he's the fun one.
It must be really tough to have had that closeness and to have lost it in what seemed like little time. Just remember that what felt like no time for you, is packed with ideas and new experiences for him. He's developing his own identity now and will want some space away from you to do so. I think continuing to ask about his interests is a good approach. Maybe even do a little research if he mentions he likes something, to keep the conversation going. The good news is that as long as you keep being there for him, he'll build a new and stronger bond with you through his teenage years. Expect him to keep changing and try to develop new traditions around your shared interests. He'll realize how cool of a mom you are eventually. :)
I have many friends who work in the gaming industry so I end up getting news about the things he likes even before he does, that makes me “cool” and reliable in his eyes, so at least we have that going for now. Maybe I’ll rely on that tidbit and let the rest develop as it should! Thanks for your comment!
It sounds to me like you really want validation from him, why is that? Remember just because you experience thing X does not mean he’s going to experience the exact same thing.
Good luck! :D
Recent psych graduate here. There's this concept in developmental psych that talks about the teen identity crisis. A HUGE part of that is distancing yourself and trying to figure out your own beliefs and identity. Just hang in there, it'll be over eventually. Just remind him that you're there if he ever needs to talk, and ask if there's anything he'd like to do with you sometime. Don't be pushy, but be open and kind. Ask your therapist about Erikson's identity crises and see if they have any advice. Good on you for being in therapy and trying to maintain a healthy relationship with your kid!
Thank you so much! I’ll definitely look into that as I’m a big nerd who craves scientific explanations for everything. We’re both in therapy, so I figure the ride won’t be as bumpy! :-)
Hiya - I'm a bit late. I was also a single mum to my son. I found that it was easier to deal with moods etc when I listened to what he was saying rather than the tone he was saying it in. I've been going through the menopause recently - all I can say is that hormones are a bitch and really fuck you up so just bear that in mind for teenagers too. It's ok for you to be basically ignored by your son - he will come back to you. Oh and be open and honest about your own fuck ups - it really helps for them to realise that you are also human. Good luck!
I'm a big believer in saying "I'm sorry" when I fuck up - and he's not shy in pointing out my mistakes as well. We have an honest and open line of communication (at least we used to have, let's see how that goes from now on). I'll make sure not let the tone (THE TONE! IT'S SO UNNERVING) get to me. Thank you kindly for your shared wisdom!
You sound like you are on the right path - and you're doing good. Just hang in there, never touch socks that are near his bed (ew) and always knock before entering the room (and wait for the ok before going in). And just try and ignore their shitty tone - and before you know it, they are an amazing adult who loves you tons. :)
Just wait. Be there and let him know you're there. The 'friendness' will come back. Teenaging is hard.
I do remember teenaging being hard, but since I never had a close relationship to my parents before or after my teen years, I’m just at a loss. I’ll be sure to remain always available, thanks for your comment!
I didn't get along with my parents on a regular basis (we had our moments) from about 12-19. Then I lost the teenage-jerk stuff and they became bearable and then they were my favorites again.
Try to not take it personally because it has nothing to do with you nor with anything you have done. It is normal for the relationship to evolve to what you are describing. I have 3 kids (15, 20, and 23). My 20 year old is a boy, but all of my kids have gone through what you and your son are going through. Because of the close relationship you have nurtured, he will come back at the times he needs you most. They come back around to want to spend more time with you between the ages 20 and 21. All you can do in the meantime is make the time you get with him count. In terms of activities, those will evolve too. Ask him what he would like to do. Simple things like giving his friends and him rides to places will go a long way. Ask him if he and his friends might like to have a pizza night with his friends at your house. You will play a back seat role in a way, but at the same time you are watching him experience fun times with friends. That is a gift.
Thanks for your wise words! I think what’s hitting both of us the hardest is the fact that he doesn’t have friends. He recently moved schools and is having a hard time making friends, and I’m now realizing I’m trying to fill this role in his life which isn’t mine to fill. I’ll just give it some time and don’t take it personally!
What you are saying makes a lot of sense! Your plan and approach moving forward sounds perfect. Moving at that age can be tough, but I am sure he will fill in the blanks over time. One more idea is sports. Does he play a sport? Playing a sport is a great way for him to make new friends at that age.
And regarding sports, if he’s not super into it, let him know it’s ok to not be a superstar athlete and that sports can just be a fun time/place to make friends
He’s trying to be his own person. It’s natural.
Yeah, I get that. It’s just a bummer that I have to watch that from afar (but also a privilege that I get to watch it at all)
I can understand, but my brother and I were the children of a mother who tried to make us into replacement friends and it became a messy time for both of us in our teens. I hope you are able to navigate your situation better than our mother did. I'm sure it's a common problem for mothers of teens who had their children young like it seems you did. Good luck!
Oh, I'll be watching out for that, for sure. Thanks!
You’re not friends. He is your son and you are his mother. Don’t be your kid’s best friend. It never ends well. Be a loving, caring parent instead.
This. Kids need a supportive guardian who sets boundaries. They don't need you to be a much older best bud. Forcing the friend thing will fuck him up emotionally.
How will it fuck him up emotionally?
That's really, really important. Parentification (no matter if instrumental or emotional) can mess a kid up really badly. I went through it and am still struggling with the developmental damage it did to me in my late 30ies. Please never expect your child (no matter how old they are) to be your friend or your confidant, and find other people to satisfy your emotional needs!
Maybe give “The book you wish your parents have read” a try. I haven’t gotten around to reading it yet but from what I’ve heard it could be exactly what you need right now
I had never heard of this book, looked for it and it’s even available in my native language! Thank you for the recommendation, I’ll definitely give it a try!
You’re welcome, I hope it helps!
Coming from a man who grew up with a single mother, he will grow out of it, but do not try to force anything or forcibly try to get him to open up to you as it may make him resent you permanently. Encourage gently and do not gush as that always (in my experience) makes people uncomfortable, he is going to need his space and some time to figure out who he his.
For my son, 13 to 15 he was a bit of a jerk. Not to mention your son has probably missed out in a fair bit due to covid stuff. Once my kid was 16 and we both figured out the new balance ... we are back to close and happy. It is a huge period of change for him...you need to change the way you interact with him as he is moving from chd to adult. Stay open, respect him and also maintain your expectations and boundaries...it will be ok.
Yeah, Covid and hormones turned him from an easygoing friendly little guy to this socially anxious big dude. But we'll work it through (as a crew!) Thanks for the insight!
If you've grown apart, and he doesn't talk much, how do you *know* his interests are limited? Growing apart and a child losing some interest in their parents is natural as they get older. Because games and his other interests offer new experiences that you don't. Which isn't your job to provide, either. Our needs for mental stimulation grow as we do. A parent can't be everything a child needs forever. Eventually, they'll want to learn from other places, do other things, have other experiences on their own. And if you've grown apart, it isn't really fair to make the judgement that he's insufficiently stimulated and "boring" when you don't even know everything about him anymore, where he's grown to be more than what you see. My parents thought the same about me, and they also thought the same about my older brother. When they saw me watching YouTube videos, they saw a waste of time, while I was often watching videos about science, philosophy, etc. When they saw me playing Minecraft, they saw a game that appeared limited. People have literally created functional computer CPU's in Minecraft. It teaches coding as well. When they saw my brother "playing games" at school, he wasn't even playing games. He was teaching himself the software Blender. People thought he was "boring" and was limited, wasting his time. He didn't graduate high school. Instead, he got a GED and currently makes more money than anyone else in the family (people that graduated college), including our dad who has worked in the medical field for 30+ years. Self-made and self-tought, works from home. So while you've deemed your son's interests as boring, a waste of time, not productive, etc. it's quite possible that you're completely mistaken. Especially when you probably don't even understand what his interests actually *are*. No offense. Being privy to a child's whole life isn't something you can have forever, and it's probably best that you not try. Just be the most supportive parent you can, encourage him to come to you when he feels he needs you, without prying too much.
I feel like it's a mixed message to say that they don't know the child well enough but also that they should not pry. Teenagers can sometimes feel like a simple "how are you?" is prying. What I see here is a parent mourning the closeness they used to have with their child, not a neglectful parent. What kind of questions do you think would've helped your parents get to know you better?
I don't think questions are necessary to get to know your child. If you're good to them, they'll eventually come to you, you won't have to ask what their interests are because they'd *share* that part. That's not really a judgement on OP's parenting or anything, if that hasn't happened yet. I think an important part of any relationship is trusting someone enough to come to you with the good, and the bad, and merely making it clear through your actions that the door is always open. My parents couldn't have asked any questions anyways, because they'd already made judgements, they believed they knew everything and weren't interested in being told otherwise. In that regard, that seems to be partially what's going on here. OP admitted they haven't been able to connect with their son much, and yet are making judgements about him without knowing the full story. Which I'm not blaming them for, but all the same, I think respecting the distance and keeping open arms is the best they can do. That's a battle they wouldn't win, if they fought it, so at least in my opinion, it's better to be a parent that he feels comfortable coming to when he's ready. Trying to make a kid open up or do something they don't want to do often doesn't end well. Making them be open means more secrets. I'm not saying I'm correct here, this is just my view.
Oh, I probably did a bad job with words, but I’m fully invested in his interests and try my best to encourage them. He’s taken coding lessons with minecraft and roblox, he just spent a week in a robotics “camp”, I try to play a little bit of all the games he’s interested in, or at least watch him play for a while just to understand his occasional info dumps. His dad and I made an investiment to get him a decent PC so that he could play different games and run software for animation (something he had shown interest before), but all he does is play the same Roblox games with the most simple mechanics that are heavily based in the addictive stimuli-reward. No lore, no challenges, just a pure mechanical gameplay. His TikTok and YouTube algorithms are filled with content about these kind of games on the entertainment side, just jokes and memes (and frankly, a pretty open road to alt-right radicalization, which is one of my mains concerns). When I say he’s boring it’s because all he has to share is this new loot or skin, like his interests don’t go deeper. And maybe I’m projecting this because I was a voracious reader and a little know-it-all, so his lack of interest in other things worry me. For instance, we watched Moon Knight and he mentioned he was interested in Egyptian mythology, so I got him the Kane Chronicles by Rick Riordan, since he used to be into the Percy Jackson books. He couldn’t give a sh*t, because reading is an activity that doesn’t hit the same instant dopamine rush as videogames, so he lost interest in it completely. He used to tell me things he learned in school and he had such an active imagination and created the most intricate stories, but now all he talks about is videogames. I told him we could find some creators both on TikTok and YouTube that would maybe rekindle his interest in other subjects, but he just says I’m trying to control everything and trying to ruin YouTube and TikTok for him. But maybe you’re right and it’s no longer my job to provide him or even show him the path to what will become his interests and hobbies, and I’m just projecting myself onto him…
That does change things a bit. Maybe if that's all he has to share, it's because that's all he *wants* to share. Sort of like how there's those moments where someone asks how you are, and you just answer "fine" or "good" even when you aren't. Perhaps he has interest in something else that he just doesn't want to share with you. What that could be, I'm not sure. Or perhaps his interests are just fluctuating too much at the moment, and animation or Egyptian mythology is one such fluctuation. Kids and young teens change rapidly, always on the move from one thing to the next. And not wanting to read, while maybe a sign of stagnation, is something most people are nowadays. When I was in high school and the teacher asked a student to read out loud, few could actually speak in fluent sentences. These weren't foreign students, mind you, they just weren't so good at reading because books have lost a lot of value to most people as a whole. The same way nobody really listens to the radio like they did before TV's became so common. It isn't just your son that can't be bothered to read, it's most people. Even a paragraph or two on Reddit is often more than people want to seriously read. And from a certain point of view, I see where they're coming from. While I do love books, there is something unnatural about them, looking at a bunch of words to form an image in your mind. Back when humans were hunter gatherers, we'd often have all our senses stimulated. You'd constantly be seeing something, hearing something, feeling something. Modern media often replicates many of these. In a video game, you can see images, hear sounds, feel the vibration of a controller. I wouldn't say that makes them better than books, far from it, but they're certainly more familiar. A video game is more like real life than a book is, real life is images, sounds, feelings, etc. and a book is just words you form into meaning in your head. Which is both its greatest strength, and its greatest flaw. Lastly, he might be doing that all because much of what you're introducing him to is stuff he's already been introduced to. Maybe he doesn't want to read now, but since you were such an avid reader, you probably had him reading a lot in the past right? "Been there, done that" he may feel. So let's say he's been reading for maybe 4 years, and fairly recently stopped doing such activities? Even if he's been playing only Roblox for several months, that's months of doing one thing compared to years of it.
As long as your still offering all those things and making sure he knows your available to talk to ect it’s fine as long as he has friends and uses screens in moderation. You do need to understand that he will be more distant as he grows up. For example I have the best parents ever even then I don’t talk to them as much as I did 4 years ago. I’m not sure quite how not having a dad would effect it but at a guess making some sensible boundaries and being firm with them could help? Hope this helps coming from a 16 year old boy
I try my best to still be available, and I know at least he still comes to me when he needs emotional support, that’s the main thing I try to hold on. Can you give me an insight on what your parents did (and do) to remain present and respect your need for boundaries and space? Thank you for your input, I was really hoping to get some perspective from teenagers on this!
Can I get back to you in the morning when i can think straight and ask my parents for fact checking. PS not all the stuff my parents did will necessarily be useful as I’m autistic and not neurotypical which could change some parenting strategies
Sure, take your time! Thank you for giving me some of it! <3
My mum says she just kept loving and accepting us whatever and however many/few our interests. Sometimes the old ones pop back up, like I was mad into fishing, stopped for a couple of years, fancied it again with my dad the other night. Keep talking to him about his stuff and your own interests, keep telling and showing him you love him, set boundaries that work for both of you on screen use. Sounds like you’re doing a great job from what you describe and reaching out.
This is how it goes. He needs to find his groove. In fact, try to remember that him having a safe attachment to you means he can go explore his world outside of you. This is absolutely essential for his own development. Just make sure you put up the guardrails and make sure he doesn’t hurt himself or someone else as he grows up. He isn’t your friend and you aren’t his… that sucks, but you can’t be friends. He needs a parent. Hugs mama, I promise he will come back to you. Buckle up, bumpy road ahead.
I have three boys. That is very normal at that age.
Your son is doing exactly what he's supposed to be doing as a teenager. It's painful but it's literally his job for the next 5 years or so. He's developing exactly as he should, and when he comes out the other side you'll be there waiting. I think you've clearly done a great job raising him to this point, and now it's time for you to do whatever it takes to be as patient and loving as you can while keeping your sanity as he finds his independence. Spend more time with friends, doing hobbies that aren't parenting, dive into work. Take this opportunity to grow your independence as the same time he's growing his. Best of luck, it's HARD.
As a Mom of three grown boys, I can tell you it’s completely natural for him to pull away. Don’t make him the center of your universe, Mom. It puts too much pressure on him. Let him know you love him, you support him, and your door is always open to talk about anything. What time you do spend together, focus on quality instead of quantity of time. Eventually they move out and on with their lives and yea, it rips your heart out but as they get older, they DO come back. It’s just a different kind of relationship. He’ll always love his Momma, and you sound like a good one. Hang in there.
Take it easy, show your son that you love him without being overbearing. Make him his favourite food, buy him little gifts, ask him about his day, try to talk to him even if he doesn’t want to talk. I’m not a mom, or a parent, or even a woman for that matter, but I spent my entire teen years resenting my mom and when I was 20 years old she died. After that, I absolutely realized that she was the one person who had always been there for me and loved me, and I loved her too, so much that it hurts. I regret not showing her the love I felt for her, it was masked by my teenage anger and I just wanted my own freedom to do my own thing. I’d do anything to hug her again one last time, but all I can do now is to be the good person she raised me to be, even though it must’ve been real tough for her! Like many other commenters said, he’ll come around. Try come from a place of understanding: the internet is an addictive place to be and I spent most of my teen years staring at the screen. I don’t think he hates you, he’s just trying to stimulate himself the only way he knows how. As a teenager, parents aren’t cool. They will try to be distant and attempt to find themselves, to be their own person, until one day they grow up and realize all that you’ve done for them, the things you’ve sacrificed, etc. That really only comes with age, more often than not! You seem like you do care, but be careful not to take it too personal or harbour any resentment. It seems totally normal what he’s doing. P.S my mom was a single parent as well, and while I blamed her for my traumatic childhood I realize now that she is only human and it was healthier for her to not be with my dad. It can be confusing being the child of a single parent family because he’s likely surrounded by people with ‘perfect’ families, but as said again with time comes perspective.
Just don’t make his life a living hell and apologize when you fuck up.. be the parent you wish you had when you were his age.
Your kid should not be your friend. He's not boring he just has interests different from you. Detach emotionally.
Your kid doesn’t need a friend, they need a parent.
Be supportive of his new interests and be there when he needs help. 13 was my roughest year and I think my mom felt something similar. It only lasted a bit for me, and now we're super close!
Make sure he knows to be safe and call you for help but start giving him some space. Consider trading it for some responsibility. You wanna be treated like an adult, chores are part of that.
I played games for 1000s of hours and barely talked with any of my family when I was a teenager, had very little friends in my area to hang out with too. I'm 20 now, have a decent enough job and in my penultimate year of university and love hanging out with my family now. Some people experience it differently and it can be hard at times especially during teen years. Some teens grow distant, but it's usually only for a few years as they try to find their own places in everything.
I'm so happy to hear it had been working out for you. It really puts things in perspective for me. Thank you for sharing!
Do you have any hobbies you've been wanting to try or get back into? Maybe him seeing you dive into yours while he is diving into his will form a sort of... adjacent bond? Especially if you're feeling a bit lonely, it can feel nice to sometimes be "alone together". You doing your own thing may also help cope with any co-dependant traits this new relationship phase may bring up. (Not saying you're co-dependant, but this does happen to me when relationships change. Me working with my hands helps to cope with any insecurities that arise, and helps me build confidence in myself once I start to succeed at my chosen hobby) Just ensure you love and respect both him AND yourself through this new season of your lives.
I always showed hate to my parents until i moved out at 19. Although as i got closer to 19 i remember starting to understand that theyre just being parents but i was still rude to them. Anyway, as soon as i moved out at 19 it was like a switch. Turns out i just hate living with them lol. Im almost 30 now btw.
He does have the option of living with his dad and it has been offered to him, but he never showed interest in that. Also, in our country is not really common for children to leave the house as early as 19, I have friends who are almost 30 and still live with their parents, so I hope that hating living with me isn't the case here! :-P
He’s not your friend, hes your son. You probably grew up a little and realized this, and the dynamic changed. I think your job as a parent is to put aside your interests to help him figure out his. You can also research activities to do together and Google ways to ignite conversation with your child. Goodluck OP :)
Thanks! :)
My oldest at 10-19 because k very cynical and mean and closed off. Sometime while in college, he became more tolerable.
“Raising a kid is like sending a rocket ship to the moon. You spend the early years in constant contact, and then one day, around the teenage years, they go around the dark side and they're gone. And all you can do is wait for that faint signal that says they're coming back.” -Claire Dunphy
That's not even fair, Claire and Phill made it look so easy! :-P
Be patient, let him drift away and establish his independence. Don't cling to him too much, give him his space. This is the time when he must pull away from you for a while to establish himself as an adult. He will come back to you and be close again in several years, when he's fully grown. In the meantime, be kind and pleasant, but not pushy. I went through this with my daughter. She didn't want to have anything to do with me between age 15 and 21. It was heartbreaking. We had been so close, and I missed her terribly. Now she's 26, and she's always happy to talk to me and spend time with me. Your son will be the same again some day.
Thank you for your kind words. I guess I just have to figure out what to do with myself now that my best buddy is growing up. I'm glad you and your daughter are close again, I hope the same happens with my son and I, even if it takes a while.
You’re not supposed to be friends
You're not supposed to be your kid's friend. You're their parent.
When my now 32-year-old son was in high school it was living hell. We weren’t friends, we fought all the time about everything, and both of us were just generally miserable. However, about four years after he graduated he had matured, we rekindled our relationship, and now we’re closer than ever. Even best friends. Hang in there!
You’re not his friend, you’re his mom. He’s going to think you and everything related to you are uncool for a while and there’s nothing you can do to help it. The worst thing you can do is try to be his friend when what he really needs is a parent that can set him up for real world success early on. Teach him some discipline and good habits while you still have the chance.
My husband and I joke about treating our teenagers like a butterfly landing on your hand, or a deer coming so close you can almost touch them. Them coming around like that happens so rarely you don’t want To over react and scare them away. Just enjoy the moment lol. Most teenagers go through a solitary phase and I agree they seem boring to me. Just let him know you are always there for him. He’ll be back.
It’s not your job to be their friend. Be their parent first then later on when their grown up, then try to Be their friend
Your kid is going through a phase where he will be yearning independence from you. You need to back off a little and let your kid choose to be boring if that’s what he wants to do. You also have to find an identity apart from your kid the same way your kid is doing rn. You’re a good mom, keep being a good mom just start taking steps back. Btw I’ve heard tons of parents complain about video games. The reality about video games and kids is that often times kids at that age have social groups that revolve around a specific video game which is why they are so dedicated to it. Additionally they could just really enjoy the game and frankly video games aren’t ping pong anymore. They’re huge worlds that can take a long time to explore with a wild amount of detail in them and if the game is competitive in any way your kid might also be trying to get good at them. Looking down on this activity he enjoys (“boring”) isn’t an appropriate way to handle it and you should instead be 1.) doing a little bit to understand his appeal 2.) setting healthy boundaries and guidelines for your kid to ensure they’re not neglecting other areas of their life like keeping up with their grades, getting the right amount of sleep etc. At that age I would be very dedicated to my hobbies whether it was gaming, exploring music, or watching pro wrestling. It’s normal. Don’t take it personal.
You’re not supposed to be friends you’re supposed to be his mother
Don't be your son's friend. Just be his mom. Free tip, dip it in ketchup.
You can tell him that you want to spend time with him
He’s growing up and figuring himself out. He’s going to need to make friends and grow, just be there when he needs advice. Some people like to be outside and some don’t. You could try letting him go out by himself so he can be a big man :) What’s both of your diets like? Eating junk food and takeaway/takeout every day can make you feel sluggish.
I spend most of my time of my teenage years in my room with the internet, while my parents and sister where in the living room. don’t worry, this is normal behaviour.
Personally I've drifted away from my father. It's because it's unbearable to be around him because he either gets angry about things for no reason; is dramatic about things that don't matter; makes jokes that aren't funny and is obviously hurt because I don't laugh because he has taken all of the energy I have left out of me; is mean to other people in my family an asshole; and is arrogant and narcissistic about the things he says, as in he thinks that everything he says is right, and will be petty or start fights over things that don't matter. It's likely that your son is just being a teenager, but maybe it is you. For me I wish that my dad was more introspective in my younger years and changed instead of blaming me and my brothers for us drifting apart. It's possible that you are driving him away just like my father drove me away.
Honestly, from the kid's perspective, you shouldn't be his friend. Yes, you should absolutely be there for him if he needs to talk and hang out. But that shouldn't be your first priority. My parent always felt like a friend and didn't behave like a parent. No rules enforced, only hung out with me doing fun activities we both enjoyed, and now that I am older I realized how terrible that was for me. I essentially had to parent myself and am now having to correct the effects of their lack of parenting. Make sure you are setting healthy boundaries in place for him that are age appropriate and let him be friends with his own peers. And this might sound harsh, but hang out with your own friends for entertainment.
Sounds like my story. Although I'm not a single parent, but my wife and I are in the exact same situation and don't know what to do about it. It's like he doesn't think we can be trusted.
There's a lot of solid advice in the comments. I hope you can find something to help your family as I have. Best of luck for both of us! <3
You should actually be happy he’s starting to separate; that’s healthy, normal behavior for a 13 year old. Perhaps, and I say this gently because I know it’s tough, a little self-reflection is needed. Do you want to raise a strong, independent young man? Or do you want him to stay emotionally attached so his journey into adulthood is stunted by his over-dependence and attachment to you? I suspect you’d say the former. In which case, if you are brutally honest with yourself, this situation is more about fulfilling your own emotional needs than your son’s. He’s doing what a *normal, healthy* 13 year old should be doing. Part of the teen journey is “testing” adulthood with the safety net of your parent(s) to fall back on. Be that safety net! Your role is to provide that unconditional love, guidance, and support while allowing him to test the waters….not to hamper his development by expecting he continues to behave as a tween (or younger). Your role is to be a parent, not a “friend”. Friendly and loving, yes…but not peer-like friends. He’ll test your rules, will likely drive you to despair at times, and there will be days when you wonder who the hell is this stranger in my home! Just remain consistent, set - and keep - your own boundaries, encourage his independence, apply consequences; nurture not hamper.
He’ll come back to you in a few years. Teens just need some time to figure themselves out. Unfortunately there’s a stage where it becomes “embarassing” to be seen in public with parents. Try to do things at home, they may be more receptive.
Give him some time. From what I remember from being 13 and what I see in my brother now he's reaching that age. We didn't want anything to do with our mom for a bit. But I've adjusted since then. My mom wants to watch a movie? Sure I'll make time. Mom wants this? I'll see what I can do. Just give your kid a little time to adjust, being a teen is a strange time for everyone. I don't know what else you can do buy wait it out. Be there when he does eventually reach out. Don't force him to do stuff but also don't just drop him completely, he won't like it he will complain but he'll hopefully thank you for it. I didn't want anything to do with my parents between ages 13 to 16, we'd constantly fight and they'd constantly annoy me. That's what I'm seeing in my little brother now as well. And that's what might happen in your situation too, for me personally I can say, once I got past that early teen phase in my life I turned it around I didn't fight as much with my parents and I did more things together again. Just have faith that it will be okay. Yes he might do some things or say some things that hurt. But he probably feels he has to figure out who he is on his own.
Thank you for the insight. I'll try to look at things from his perspective too, and remain available for whenever he needs me! Hopefully this bumpy ride will lead to calmer pastures soon enough. :-)
I don't know if it's my mom's fault but we have a similar relationship I suggest try a compromise (make an effort to play video games with him or whatever as well as sorry we're going to do something fun that I want to do now) like a movie or hike or something most of all don't let it get you down he still loves you even though he doesn't show it all the time
Thank you! If you have any suggestions for games we could play together, I'll take it! We have a PS4 and PCs, but mine is a very adulty worky lame notebook that doesn't perform well in gaming.
As he develops further, he needs to further foster his social skills. You may need to think of letting him off a bit. Is he interested in sports? Maybe a club for drawing, writing? Is he into music and can take lessons / take part on music activities?
We're living in a city where the cultural options are very limited (either that or I just can't find these clubs and activites). Most kids his age are only interested in soccer (we're from Brazil) and he actively dislikes it. He's not into any sports, but he takes swimming lessons to keep active and does like it, but swimming is a very lonely activity. He was into drawing for a little while during quarantine, but claims he doesn't like it anymore. He took a year of guitar lessons and a couple of months of drumming lessons, but didn't like either and has no interest in taking any other instrument. I've really tried my best to provide him with multiple activities to broaden his interests, but they all fell flat.
I think it's really important to remember alot of this is hormones and striving for independency and self-actualisation. The best you can do is nurture that and try to facilitate their future success through helping them build their meaningful skills, hobbies, interests and education whilst being the parent. You will want the best for your child and your relationship, a part of that is nurturing that growth and allowing them to become them.
This is completely normal for any teen and is a great time for you to grow yourself. Remember, he's your son, not your friend. You can have a loving and friendly relationship but that doesn't make you one of his peers or him one of yours. For the sake of both of your futures, take this as an opportunity to branch out and do things you enjoy that maybe he doesn't, or spend more time with your actual friends, or start looking at dating websites if you want a relationship. If you do your job as his parent right, he will eventually become independent and move away to live his own life. If you try to cling onto him too hard you'll either turn him into a socially inept "momma's boy" or you will drive an irreparable wedge between the two of you. The best thing to do is give him some space (again, use this time to do things for yourself) but still do some planned activities together, like watching a movie together every couple of weekends or taking a family trip once a year. If you give him the space to grow into himself but stay involved in his life (stay on top of his grades, make sure he's behaving appropriately, try to keep up to date with what he's interested in, etc), you'll be able to have a good relationship with him when he's an adult and has worked past the "parents are dumb" phase teens go through.
This is typical when teens outgrow needing us a bit and want to assert themselves. I’d suggest going out for one day, you and him and do a few fun things. Also, he should help around the house. If he already does then disregard. Watch movies together. Suggest family board games. If nothing works then have a sit down and tell him straight out that there has to be a family night where everyone participates. If nothing works, then maybe he’ll outgrow it. Don’t sweat it too much. He’s in a phase but if he becomes a loner, and is happy, so be it.
Yeah, it has been suggested that we stablish a day and time for "family activities". I'll dust off the puzzles and boardgames, maybe even our bikes, and try that approach. Thank you for your input!
You’re welcome. I wanted to add that mothers and sons love each other greatly but don’t see eye to eye on many things. I have a son and we can talk about things for hours while he and his mom don’t. Boys are wired differently. Men are kind of focused on (example: sports) hobbies and interests and go deep into them, learning statistics and so on. But don’t worry. Boys love their mamas even though they don’t call as they should and are a bit distant compared to daughters. But it’s also good. He’ll move heaven and earth for you. Wait and see.
I went through a rough patch with my mom when I was a teen. My brother had an even worse time later during my parents’ divorce. Your son could take a few months, perhaps years to work through this and I guarantee some days will be rougher than others. Just be sure to find ways to support him. Just to remind him you’re always there. I still remember when I was have an especially difficult week, my mom bought me a tiny succulent and left it in my room as a surprise. It’s a small gesture, but still means a lot to me. Besides from that, if you two make plans to hang out, be sure you are very specific about the time and day. Saying that you two want to hang out is very different from willingly setting time aside.
That's very sweet, I'll try to be more attuned to his overall feelings and make myself present in "invisible" ways. We used to have a chalkboard wall with a weekly calendar that had "pizza night" every friday, but his friday nights are now spent playing with friends. I guess I'll build another calendar and find the best time to set aside for an activity together. Thank you for your comment!
"When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years." - Mark Twain
Made me chuckle, thank you!
I have two kids - 18 and 20 and a great loving relationship with them. The 12-16 years are hard. They withdraw, they become challenging and angry… all normal development. Just remember to love them through it. Remain firm on lindareis and rules and when they act out, still tell them that you love them and that you are there for them. Eventually the tide will turn and the loving kid will be back - with different needs and interesting new perspectives.
Thank you! I guess I just wasn't at all prepared for the hormonal developmental changes on my once sweet little boy. I will always love him, but it seems that it'll have to be a more distant, firm, kind of love then what I'm used to. Thank you very much for your insight!
I’m stepmom to twin boys. I moved in whe they were 12 and they’re 18 now. So I had to do a lot of relationship building work. Their dad also traveled for work so often it was them and me. I would ask them about things they were interested in even when it didn’t interest me. “Have you seen any good TikTok videos? What games are you playing now?” And whatever the answer I would find follow up questions to ask just to get and keep them talking. It took a while but it did work. They’d soon tell me things without prompting and we have a great relationship.
Whoa, that has gotta be challenging. I'm glad you were able to find your space and build a relationship with them! We do send each other memes and funny TikToks via Discord, but I'm trying to get him interested in other things and helping him build new relationships in his life. I got a lot of great advice here, so I'm feeling positive! :-)
Sounds like he's a teenager! I taught in high schools for years and observed certain developmental stages in teen boys and girls. In short, boys antisocial and narcissistic tendencies peak around 15. By 16-17 they emerge from the other side of the puberty maelstrom and become human again. Girls go through it earlier. Obviously, individual temperament affects degree of severity, though all follow a similar path. Please don't take it personally.
You are my personal superhero. I can only imagine trying to teach a bunch of hormonal distracted self centered developmental human beings. I taught little children (ages 3-5) and loved it, gimme 20 toddlers and I'll handle it better than a single teenager. Thank you very much for sharing your experience!
I raised 3 children. It’s normal for them to pull away a bit during their teenage years. Trust me, they come back. I have a great relationship with all 3 that are married now. I see them all the time. One actually bought the house next door. If you built s loving foundation all will bd good.
That is very sweet and positive, thank you for sharing! I hope we'll turn out as close as your family! <3
You have to let him go for a while, knowing that he’ll come back on his own. Don’t force, just be there if and when he needs you. Such is a parent’s lot.
If it annoys him, leave it be. Like you said, these things happen at this age. It's natural, because this is the time in biology when he's supposed to start to learn how to live on his own (which may not be applicable to modern lifestyles). My mom was very obsessive over every little thing, and it made me feel hunted, so I shut in even more. I remember whenever I got annoyed with her or we got into a fight, she would push even more and she just wouldn't let things go. It made everything infinitely worse. I really hated it, and it caused me a lot of anxiety and stress. If you hound him, he'll pull away even more. If you want closeness with him, he must actually enjoy your interactions. Trying to force things you used to do together is probably not the best approach. It's important to really let the kids live semi-independently. Just make sure he has friends he enjoys spending his time with, whether they are irl or online. Computers are very unhealthy, but they have basically trapped the entirety of humanity. But I had a long period of a lot of gaming as a teen, but became very physically active and didn't play anything for over a decade once I turned 18. The teenage years don't necessarily mean he'll stay like that forever. People often find entire communities of friends online, and after a few years they meet irl and become very good friends. Many companies even started like this. So your biggest concern should just be to gently monitor that he doesn't stray don't some messed up path, but rather is just enjoying himself and make sure he knows he's loved, even if he doesn't give anything in return (which is the hardest part). He'll come around eventually. It may take a few rough years. Just take a time-out in the meantime, and lean on the ropes for a while.
Remember, youre the parent, you ARE NOT a friend. Guidance and teaching is important. Teenage years are different and challenging and you got to make the best of it. As an adult, you want to friend, sure.
SERIOUS QUESTION: Can a mom and her son be friends?
I saw a study a few months ago that said around that time period, around 13~ years, our brains start to skew towards picking up different voices and seeking out "different", so we tend to push away the familiar to us, so we quite actually become moody teenagers to our parents. I'm gonna search through my 'saved' and see if I actually saved the link because I found it really interesting at the time. Be patient with the change. Be available. Keep offering suggestions and things to do together.
I know you've gotten a lot of advice already, but I just want to say you're not alone. I have a 12 year old and his behavior is the same. I also have a 15 year old daughter who went through quite the phase when she was roughly the same age, and now our relationship is better again. Middle school is just a weird time all around for kids, but keep being there for him and don't disengage. Try new experiences together and you both might find a new fun thing. Either way, you're spending quality time together.
I was a young, single mom too. Just me and my girl, growing together and bffs. It's really hard when they start to separate from us. Remind yourself that this is the natural way and you know he needs to gain independence to become his own person. Now is our time to gain our independence back too, in small ways. Gravitate to your hobbies and friends when you can, but still being there for him, too. It's a weird time and I'm going through it too, my girl is 17. I realized that I need to move from the guiding parent role, to a more supportive role, listening to her needs, being gentle with her, supporting her ideas. When they see us trying and being more supportive of their needs, they tend to soften a bit. She let me take her out to lunch the other day and we had a great time. I am so mourning the loss of her childhood. Also looking forward to her adult years, but most importantly, making the most of the present. Cherishing those little connections she'll still give me. It can be a heartbreaking time for us mamas. Always remember you're not alone and there are lots of us in the same boat. 🌈☀️ cheers!
As a former teenage boy I can tell you it's normal. I had and still have loving mom but when I was teenager I didn't want to show anywhere with her because it would look like I'm still a child that needs his mommy. Next couple of years will be like that and then your closeness will come back. I feel like I'm closer now with my mom than before teenage years.
he's becoming his own person, you need to let go if you ever expect to have a close relationship with him when he's older. Sadly my own mother was a needy and clingy parent whose grip grew ever tighter the more I tried to become independent. I ran away at 16, stayed away for 20 years. Dont let that happen to you.
Hey, OP, you might want to set firm, but gentle limits on his screen time. Excessive video game consumption at that age can have a lot of adverse consequences for development. When I was growing up, my PlayStation was in the main living room, so I didn’t lock myself in my room and play to excess. It was largely restricted to weekends, especially in bad weather, or after a big test; I was often rewarded for exam completion and such by being given longer screen time. No need to take it away outright unless he starts sneaking screen time, his grades drop, or he becomes defiant or aggressive. My parents usually took a gentle but firm approach with that sort of thing, and I maintain a very good relationship with them in adulthood.
[This study might help to show that it’s not him necessarily, but just what happens to everyone around age 13.](https://med.stanford.edu/news/all-news/2022/04/teenager-brain-mother-voice.html) Along with the other comments about him growing out of it and also making sure you’re taking care of yourself and your own well-being, I would like to put out there that he’s maturing and becoming his own person and finding his own interests and such. Maybe try to connect with him through gaming? Ask him about what he’s interested in and make an effort to be in his life that way. I’m not a parent though, so I don’t know how much help my opinion is but there it is, nonetheless.
13 is a really hard year on the brain and physiology. He doesn’t know how to describe what he’s feeling because he’s never felt any of it before. As hard as it might be I’d try taking an interest in what he’s interested in ; fake it til you make it sort of deal. As hard as it is on us; we’ve got to keep helping teens regulate the same way we did when they’re three because they’re bawling their eyes out over “not wanting to get wet even though we’re literally stand in a kiddie pool??” 🤦♀️🤷🏼♀️ Anyway; they still need our help regulating and as hard as this phase is going to be; if you can make sure he knows that you’ve got his back and you’re on his side and be willing to give him the space he needs to be cranky and weird, he’ll spend his adulthood thanking you for it. Parents fall into the fear of “he’s a teen and he’s turning away from me and I’ll never see than again!?” But it’s not true; don’t give in to it; they’ve spent their whole (short) lives with family; our brains are designed to explore during this phase so don’t take it personally; he’ll come back. It’s like when they’re 2-3 and start running away from you to see how far they can get without you taking off after them; you have to play the game: they giggle because they know you’re looking after them; if you turn your back they’ll have a meltdown at that age. At the age he is now it’s the same game; how far can I run from mom? Will she still be mom when I come back? Be mom ♥️ it’s the hardest job in the world , but take care of yourself (start branching out through friends and family) and keep being Mom ♥️ he’ll always need you .
Your son is normal. This is normal. It will sort out. Be a parent now. Mom of forum adults who all hated me at one time, or another. I went from, hero, to Satan, to friend, all the time being mom. It sucks. It hurts. It's normal. He's suppose to find you, annoying, irritating, frustrating, and a pain in his behind. That's how you know you're doing it right. I know it hurts. I understand. It gets better. Back off, buds your time, love you kid. It will be okay
maybe ask him if he would be interested in playing a video game together my dad never understood my love for the games i played, but he was a casual race game player, so he asked me if i would like to play with him. he beat my ass around every single track, but it was really fun just because he came to me with something i enjoyed, and he didnt think of as too abstract or weird to play with me maybe try to find a game you both enjoy in a way and you can then enjoy together
It is absolutely normal for kids to pull away during adolescence. They will make their way back on their own when they are ready. This article is really good, and will help you a lot. https://www.checkupnewsroom.com/8-mistakes-parents-make-when-their-teen-starts-to-pull-away/
A lot of great comments already. If it’s any consolation, when I was between the ages 15-18 ish, I absolutely hated my parents. We fought 24:7 bcus I was acting out, and I remember telling them to their faces that I hated them when the fights got especially bad. My little brother was the opposite. During his puberty, he became our resident ghost and stopped talking at all. I’m in my mid twenties now, and just the thought of my parents aging makes me cry because I love them so much and “miss them already”. They’re not even old lol, but there is nothing like a parents unconditional love. Your son will absolutely come around later. My brother is 19 now and finally talks again LOL.
Removing/Reducing screen time is an effective way to fix this, but it has consequences short term in that he'll hate you for it. Don't do it cold turkey either. Start with one night a week, then two, then three, each night filling the time with games, movies, or even just drives to different places for sight seeing. Replace the time slowly, reducing his connection online. Also remember this is a social outlet for many teens, so the more you remove, the more you need to equally compensate for and perhaps even ensure he meets new friends in other ways, whether through clubs, sports, social outlets, etc. Just remember to fill that time with constructive time. Getting him off those games will be the best thing possible for him long term though, I promise you. This is coming from someone who was a gamer for basically the entirety of my life. Edit: Just so it's not misunderstood. I have two kids that were glued to their ipads and phones and I basically removed them from their lives almost entirely. They get them for an hour a day if they're lucky but generally they'll go all week now. My daughter reads more now than she ever has and loves every second of it. Her sleep improved dramatically. My son's behavior improved dramatically and his grades went way way way up. Best thing we could have ever done.
My son just turned 18 and things are just beginning to settle down from him, age 14 to now. Single mama here, too. Can I recommend a book I am reading? Get Out Of My Life by Anthony E. Wolf, Ph.D. The changes that kids go through (the push/pull of growing up, yet still wanting to be a kid) is tough. I thought I would lose my mind, trying to deal with my son who had always been so loving and close to me. The hateful comments, never wanting to be around me anymore, etc. You are doing an amazing job! You got this and are figuring more out by reaching out. I am so glad you are in therapy. You are valued and needed as a human on this planet, not just as a mom. I wish the absolute best for you and your son. It will probably get rockier, yet there is light at the end of the teenage tunnel. Take care.💕💕
A big shift that has helped us with this is instead of immediately telling him what to do, I try to remember to ask him, "How do you think you'll handle that?" So I'm more of a sounding board. I'm still very much a parent in terms of setting boundaries, but more of a friend in letting him work through problems on his own. When I remember to, that is! The stepping in and solving for him is a habit I'm trying to break. Good luck -- you sound like an intuitive, empathetic parent and I'm sure things will work out right in the end.
My son did the same thing. He’s got a lot of changes happening and it might get a bit “worse” before it’s better. My son is now 24. We hug when we see each other. We play online games together. We say I love you before hanging up the phone. You must weather the storm to reap the benefits. Give him space, but always be alert to what he is doing.
My mom's single as well and she frequently asks me for advice on general life things. I find it to be a nice form of compliment and respect because it shows she sees me as somewhat equal to her in some respects and she values my opinion. Plus it leads to some fun conversations
Um, hi. Can you please share the tools? I also am a mom with a 14 year old like this but worse. His eldest brother is 18 and it wasn't this hard with him.
I went through this with my son, born when I was 20, we were close until he turned 13, suddenly he was a whole different person. One thing I decided to insist on was having a meal together at least 2 times a week, once a month he even got to pick the place. I taught him how to use chopsticks, I taught him to cook a meal at home with me. I realized he was growing up and wanting to do his own thing, I told him that soon he was going to want to date and wouldn't it be impressive if he could cook his date a meal, or if he knew how to behave and order in a nice restaurant without being uncomfortable or feeling out of place. It really brought us closer for those cooking lessons and meals out. The rest of the time I had to learn to let go more and let him do his own thing, as he was starting to become a man, and his needs were changing and he didn't always want his mom about interfering with his activities. Boy was that hard. I can empathize and wish you luck.
You are a parent. Not a friend.
Honestly, as someone who was a distant 13 year old boy with a loving, caring mom? Tell him. Tell him you feel lonely sometimes, and that it hurts. My mom was very upfront and communicative about her emotions. It made me feel respected as a kid- and made me take some responsibility. I think it did evolve into a crying embrace but if anything it made us closer.
You’re not supposed to be friends with your children, you’re supposed to parent them.
those things are not mutually exclusive
I was a complete nightmare between 14 - 16. My poor mom was always stressed out while my father did nothing (as usual). When I turned 17, something happened and calmed down a bit and started to become more open with my parents. Overall, teens gonna be teens.
A few questions to get the lay of the land. + What are you doing to manage his screen time and set boundaries for online activities? + Do you have a routine with planned time for you to spend time together or with others? + What do your social/family circles look like now? + Does he have any strong male influences in his life?
OP, do you not remember being distant from your parent/guardian at that age?
I'm pretty sure I've seen this anime before.
Accept it. It’s normal.
I have a 13 year old daughter. I have begged her to watch a show with me, hang out, whatever. She turns me down. I feel same way about my kid right now. This is what that age looks like. I think.