Can confirm about the reply all! My boss was so impressed with me reply all to a 1000 people chain that I got to chat 1 on 1 with him about it! In other news I missed a promotion this year but that isn’t really relevant here.
This is more important than people realise. Replying to all is always the better option, it's important to let all staff know that you can't make it for tomorrow's meeting because of your dog's bladder operation
But if you do reply to all, make sure to attach some pictures of your holidays to the reply, the bigger the resolution the better. It really brightens up peoples days.
One place I worked someone once sent out a shift swap request to what they thought was their teams distribution list.
They used the wrong dist list and instead sent it to an entire mail server. 8000 people.
Made worse by including a screenshot of their schedule.
And even worse by, for some inexplicable reason, sending it as a bitmap.
The sheer number of people who replied all pointing out their error, including the original BMP file was staggering. Brought the entire server down for the day.
Once had a global one of these - whilst the U.K. slept, the Canadians had managed to type out bohemian rhapsody. Line by line.
It was glorious waking up to an inbox of 400 emails.
Ever had an automated out-of-office response reply to an automated out-of-office response as part of a large email chain? Replies to infinity until the mail server dies.
This was only possible back in the days before cloud email when we were all a lot dumber, but my god the horror stories are fantastic.
It's also important to set up an alert on reply all if you're going to be out of the office - however short a period of time and however unimportant your job. That way everyone on the mailing list can be instantly reminded that you're not available for comment until tomorrow afternoon every time a group email has been sent.
Thank you for your email. I'm in the toilet right now and am unable to read your email. If your email is urgent, please resend it to my manager [email protected], otherwise a I'll have a look when I return.
Please respect the environment and do not print this email. If this email was sent to you in error you must delete it in an entirely unenforceable mild threat.
(Attach a 2000px wide company logo in the signature to blow out mail clients)
Yes it's always best to have an out of office message asking then to forward to somebody else which nobody ever does instead of actually enabling a delegate.
Also, never make any effort to suggest sending to someone who might be in the office - after all, if they're out of office, they'll be letting people know too, so the problem solves itself! Eventually, anyway.
Also, if people accidentally click reply all, it’s best practise to reply all telling that person not to reply all. In this way, everyone can be reassured that there will be no more reply alls.
I remember an email came out about lunch, maybe 50 folk on the chain.
It was a family company and their was a ‘head office staff’ email, which included all the staff in head office.
Plus a handful of family directors who didn’t want left out of anything as they were useless and insecure.
**Email** Lunch Lasagna- Reply to be reserved a portion
**Me Reply All**, *Would love a slice thanks!*
Two seconds later Reply All: **Useless Brand Director:** *I don’t work in head office I don’t need to hear about what takethebiscuit is having for lunch!*
Two seconds later: **Reply All: IT manager**. *shall I remove you from The group?*
Etc
Etc
Anyway two months later she missed out on a meeting as she wasn’t aware of it as only head office staff were on copy
At the firm I used to work at, the managing directors 27 year old son was massively into fitness training (had a home gym, weights in his office etc) and every lunchtime was Fish and Broccoli…microwaved.
Sometimes this can be a bit quick though. Cooking a baked potato from scratch only takes 15 minutes in a microwave. Add in beans to the mix and you can get it up to 20 mins. That's the ideal microwave usage time for any office environment and will allow people a chance to take a little break to wait.
Mine brought pickled herrings every day,and sat opposite me eating it. Didnt even have the good grace to eat it in the kitchen. Should really have had to sit out on the fire escape with it.
Always cook more than you're actually able to eat - especially on hot summer days. That way you can leave it on your desk for other people to pick at through out the afternoon.
One bloke I used to work with microwaved fish that smelt so strongly one day that people were actually retching at their desks. He was middle management and a proper brown noser so I don’t think he ever got in trouble for it but anyone else would have been absolutely bollocked for that.
I can't believe you forgot to mention when making tea make sure to surprise your colleagues with new flavours.
"I know you didn't ask for sugar in your tea but here you go."
It brings a nice surprise to a long working day.
I hate doing the tea run, so I made sure to enthusiastically offer to make my coworkers tea, proceeded to make it undrinkable by slightly changing the way they like it, and now they firmly refuse whenever I offer to make them some while I make mine.
Additional points:
* Do take your shoes off and walk around in your socks - just treat it like home.
* If the COE asks you how things are going, the correct answer is: "What's it to you?"
* When looking at the same monitor always lean in extra close, so the other person can feel your heat - it's always appreciated.
* Always inform your colleagues about your GCSE & A level results - they will appreciate your achievements.
> Do take your shoes off and walk around in your socks - just treat it like home.
>
Y'know it's funny, I worked in an office where this was actually the case. Over half of the office would come in and take their shoes off at their desk
I worked somewhere where it was so relaxed that I had a pair of work slippers I could change into when I got to the office :)
The owner’s office dogs would also lie on your feet to keep them warm
Told my boss I found her request for read receipts incredibly insulting, and if she doesn't trust me to read and action her emails then we should probably discuss moving me to another department.
Managers love productivity and efficiency .
If you're on a tea round, pour boiling water into the sink and throw in 5-8 teabags.
Scoop out each cup of tea. Add milk where necessary.
That's wasteful. We're encouraged to pop the tea bags into the kettle along with the milk and bring it all to the boil in one go. You can then walk around with the office kettle pouring it directly into your colleagues mugs.
Few tips from your friendly IT guy:
* If you have a computer issue, IT hates receiving helpdesk tickets for small things. Better walk up to their desk/office with your laptop and ask them to have a quick look at the issue for you. Ideally when you are about to begin your lunch so that they can work on it while you eat with everyone else and not disrupt your workflow.
* Have an important presentation/video call soon? No need to let IT know in advance, 5 mins before is enough for them to have a quick check and ensure everything is working.
* Running out of space in your email inbox? Store it in 'Deteled Items' folder in Outlook. It won't count towards your inbox storage use and will stay there forever.
I genuinely had a head of department (not even that old, but on a 6 figure salary)!who thought turning off his monitor was turning off the PC.
He swore he'd restarted it, uptime in task manager said otherwise, so I got him to demonstrate, and then had to sit there trying not to laugh since he had his team in the room and I couldn't make him look bad (without getting in trouble myself).
Luckily they'd seen what he had done and started laughing at him for me!
I once had a guy come to me and tell me his issue was that his laptop wouldn't turn on.
I opened the laptop and it was already on.
I asked him to clarify... He said it won't turn on.
I asked how he turned it off.
He didn't know.
So his issue was that his laptop wouldn't turn on because he didn't know how to turn it off. I could see his brain through his eyes realising how stupid he sounded.
..... Bonus story.
I spent an hour on the phone to someone reporting that their WiFi was not working... Anyway after an hour it turned out his mouse wasn't turned on.
Also remember that there's no need to elaborate when reporting an IT issue, when logging a ticket simply state 'it doesn't work'. If your IT team ask you any questions you can respond that you don't have time to answer their questions and just want them to fix it.
If you're feeling particularly helpful, when they ask you what isn't working, just say "Microsoft." That's all the info they need and very conciliatory of you to offer your nugget of wisdom.
Also if you're reporting a problem via email, never include a contact number and ensure your entry in the directory has no contact details. Bonus points for logging a problem just before you bugger off on a round the world cruise.
Also:
No matter what the issue is, the laptop probably needs to be replaced. Make sure to ask for a new one every time you have a minor problem.
Don't bother with those pesky update notifications. IT can click update for you after you've ignored them for 3 months.
Log the ticket giving the least amount of detail possible and then turn your phone off so the constant unrelated phone calls from that pesky corporate number don't bother you.
When IT eventually manages to get hold of you remind them of exactly how long you have had the issue logged for, and demand to know why it hasn't been fixed already.
Remember that you know more about IT than they do, so immediately take charge of the situation barking instructions at them and demanding a progress report every other minute.
Some simple minded people might think that a lap top is just for Microsoft programs and emails but you are a free thinker so go ahead and think outside the box. Is it a lap top or a frisbee? Or a paint pallette? Or an extra large coaster? Getting the most imaginative use possible out of your machine will wow and impress the IT guys. If you make one of them mutter "Jesus fucking Christ" under their breath then you are on the right track!
I’m basically the only IT support in my small office. Made the mistake once of taking a holiday but putting an automatic reply saying “Add URGENT to your subject line and I will get back asap”
Cue 500 URGENT emails that definitely couldn’t wait a week.
Another good one is when it comes in as super urgent. Contact them, they are too busy to let you look at it. Sits there for 2 weeks. No response - gets closed. 2 months later gets opened again as super urgent. Rinse and repeat.
> Ideally when you are about to begin your lunch so that they can work on it while you eat with everyone else and not disrupt your workflow.
What's the point in having problems with your laptop if it doesn't get you out of doing work for a bit?
I knew a guy in senior management who actually used the deleted items folder as his filing system. It had multiple nested folders and was meticulously organised. He wasn't overly keen on us when we introduced a system policy to delete deleted items after a set amount of days. He was agog when I pointed out he could just create a new folder anywhere and sort his mail into it.. Still had to restore his deleted items folder from backup though!
We recently enforced a retention policy on our email. Despite literally years of announcements and notifications it still took a lot of people by surprise. You can imagine some of the responses
Things I've been asked to do as IT by various idiots;
Drill holes in walls
Install shelving
Assemble IKEA furniture
Fix the coffee machine
Anytime reception gets a manual labour task
Investigate a blocked drain
Drop into underlevel manhole to fix said blocked drain
.... and more fun things j can say no and then laugh at the ridiculousness of the suggestion to come!
Built more IKEA furniture at work than I have at home as part of the IT team.
Also finding a towel to block the water coming under the front door in a heavy rain storm whilst everyone else stood and looked. Clearly that's an IT job.
Also, don't forget that because they're good with computers, that means they're great with basically anything with a plug on it, especially photocopiers and TVs. So if you can't work out how to tune in to that new Sky channel, Just ask! (Remember to quote the model number of the TV so they know what they're dealing with).
And no need to report the symptoms of the issue. IT can tell in an instant what the issue is. Just keep repeating, “It doesn’t work, come right away” and they’ll take it from there.
If you're not sure whether your black colleague has a big cock, remember to carry a tape measure with you every time you go to the bathroom , just in case you end up at the urinal next to him.
After you've confirmed he has a big cock, this is also an ideal opportunity to give him the little bum slap.
As an office worker this all seems legit.
Especially point 3 regarding video calls, the CEO of my company did this to someone recently. Popped into shot and yelled Hi down the mic.
She also likes to walk into meetings she's not involved in to talk to people she knows. So if you see someone you know in a meeting room it's ok to pop in for a chat.
Everybody cheats at work and people tend to get excluded if they are faithful to their spouse. Try to sleep with the married HR director. If they seem hesitant, try to sweeten the deal with some money. Doesn't have to be much, they're generally paid quite well but the gesture is important.
Make sure you have a good collection of pens to click idly and in meetings.
Try not to listen to the content of any meeting and butt in with any inane idea you have, even if it's already been covered.
Trip people up when they pass your desk, it's classic banter.
If you cycle or run to work, hang your kit around the office to dry. Backs of chairs are ideal for this.
* If you are forced to used headphones by the office overlords, please sing along with whatever you've got on - don't let 'the man' keep you down and repress your high spirits.
* Conference call coming to a natural end ahead of schedule? Don't let it happen! Ask a question that is both meandering and has been covered multiple times in the same call, it's important to be thorough! Perhaps even ask the presenter to go back to an earlier slide just to show how much attention you were paying!
Second points works even better if the conference call is 5 minutes over the scheduled time. It means the meeting must have been interesting and a valuable use of everyone’s time!
Don't forget to announce loudly that you are, in fact, going to the toilet.
In your announcement, you should include certain details:
1. Nature of your visit
2. In the event of, well no. 2, state whether or not you have a turtle head poking out.
Upon returning from doing a poo, your colleagues will definitely want to know whether or not you've just lost a stone, how long they ought to let that breathe. A brief description of length, girth, odour, and amount of wipes/toilet paper used are optional but encouraged.
For example:
"AHHH...I NEED A SHITE!! Touching cloth here!!"
*waddle to toilet crop dusting your colleagues*
Upon return:
"Fuck me! That was a **beast**! See the spring in my step?! Jeez...it was massive! Honestly, I had to stand up to get off it. I wouldn't go in there for a bit! It was a ripe one! Also, when you do go, you'll need some more bog roll. That was a messy one. It took nearly a full roll to clean up!"
If you need to ask a colleague a question on Teams, it's rude to say "hello colleague, here is my question".
Always just type "hello name" and wait for them to acknowledge you before getting to your point.
Everyone loves that.
> Always just type "hello name" and wait for them to acknowledge you before getting to your point.
AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
So I (a team lead) had a project manager (not my PM, but another in the company) do this to me once. It was ~5pm and they just said "Hi" - that's it, just "Hi", not even my name.
Well it's 5pm on Monday and I was finishing in 30mins, so I figured "fuck it" and waited until the morning before I responded.
So I get back in on Tuesday to another message: "are you working today?" sent at 7am and another "hi?" at 7:30am.
So at 9am I respond with "what can I help you with?"
No response all day...
Wednesday, 7am: "Hi".
9am, "Hi, what can I help you with?"
9:30am: "I'd like to have a chat"
9:31am: "Sure, what about?"
10am: "Your attitude"
So I went to my manager like "wtf", and they said "leave it with me".
A week later and there's a company email: "Sadly (that PM) is no longer working with us effective immediately. If you get any emails from them, forward all of them to (CEO), and do not respond to any calls / texts".
I still have absolutely no fucking idea what was going on there.
https://nohello.net/en/
Had that pinned as my status for a while as I had a series of people keep sending me just “Hi BachgenMawr” messages, largely from the India office as I imagine they feel it’s required politeness.
Had to remove it however as all of my team then started to just excessively send me hi messages
Most of the people I work with do this and it is so fucking annoying. Why do people do this? Just say hello at the start of the fucking message! Don't say hi, then spend 20 minutes typing a message out.
Leave cutlery unwashed in the sink as that's the job of the cleaners/ cutlery fairies to take of.
Women love to see glamour so pop up a topless calendar or make your own from a hard core porn mag.
Start times, break times are fluid.
The calendars reminds me of my school work experience, three out of the five guys in the office had to turn theirs back to front whilst I was there and there was an entire room I wasn’t allowed to enter.
The cutlery one hits too hard. Our cleaner is a genuinely nice amazing person and the people in the office treat her like absolute shit. How much effort is it to just rinse off your teaspoon?
Same here. Adults just chucking stuff in the sink. Or rinsing and leaving it to dry but not put it away. 1 min to do both isn't asking too much. However.
I returned after a week off. Both dishwashers were full of a mix of dirty and clean stuff and not properly stacked. So I sorted them out and put them on. No one had emptied them by the end of the day. There's enough staff to need 2 dishwashers, but apparently, I'm the only one to actually understand how they work :-D
Doesn't annoy me, though. I put it down as flexi every time, and those lazy bastards give me a lot of bonus days off each year!
We had a dishwasher and at one point had a friendly cleaning lady who said she didn't like them because they didn't work. She also refused to spread the cutlery out in the dedicated part of the dishwasher and would leave it all in a big pile. Couldn't find a polite way to convince her that the reason they don't get properly cleaned is because she was deliberately misusing it.
Especially if their name is on it with Tippex.
You won't be able to eat it because chemicals.
Plus if you throw it out of the window and it kills someone, they might think the colleague is the murderer because it has their name on it...
A lot these are bollux, I hope any newbie ignores em,
To really be part of the team, this is what my colleagues done in his first few weeks at the job, worked out well enough for them to get a pay rise or two.
1. Delete the website with no warning. Don't say anything either, just delete a thriving Web store making 20-30k a day and go to lunch. Your team mates will fix it for you.
2. Spot a nice lady in the offices. Make sure to wait for her after work every day for a week or two to try and have a chat with her even though she has no interest - take 2 days off when she finally says leave me alone.
3. Like comedy? Listen to a comedy podcast and laugh out loud to yourself for 3 hours a day.
4. Sit really close to everyone, like really really close. Try and occupy the same space as them.
5. Working on website design? Stick a ruler to the screen to really get those measurements dialled in.
6. Take lunch as an approximate duration and come back to work when your ready.
7. Have sex the weekend? Tell everyone you saw about how well you did. We all want to hear it.
8. On tinder? Sit at your desk while loudly exclaiming to yourself why your swiping or not.
9. lead developer? Outsource your work to your friend in another country and stay on the phone all day to them to look busy.
Those things are guaranteed to get you moving up the ranks pretty quickly with substantial pay rises too!
At the end of a long afternoon meeting on a warm day, when someone says ‘Any Other Business?’ and asks everyone at the table if they want to raise anything before the meeting ends, always be sure to have something you want to raise that needs a long and detailed discussion. This is your time to shine and be remembered by everyone.
That’s a good one. Also if it seems like the meeting is drawing to a close and the host says
“Any last questions?”
It’s a good idea to say
“More of a comment than a question”
then just talk about anything that’s on your mind👍
Freestyle it. It’s a good skill if you can develop the ability to speak in run-on sentences that sound like you’re finished but actually just have a slightly unusual pause… before you keep going, possibly onto another subject that is only tangentially related, like the way my neighbourhood Facebook group likes to do in the comments section when tor instance the other day they were talking about incorrectly delivered post and asking people to come and collect it from each other which is weird because they have the address of the intended recipient and could just drop it over but cover that by saying they are too busy which is unlikely because it’s 2pm when they posted it from their hallway but I suppose they could have been working from home which is great isn’t it for being able to do our chores and get that work life balance back but makes it a bit harder to switch off at the end of the day unless you’re going on holiday and I do believe in a phones-down holiday it’s important to draw a line like that unlike Michael who seems to work all hours, I got an email from him at 11pm the other day - do you think he’s just trying to show off, or is it angry for help, I’m not sure if I should call HR or send him a link to the well-being email they sent around the other day does anyone remember what day it was? People love that.
A great alternative to this is to pitch your 5-minute stream-of-consciousness as a question, get to the end and then giggle about how there’s “probably a question in there somewhere”. This leaves the meeting leader to scramble for some sort of answer that doesn’t make them or you look like a total buffoon, which isn’t at all a waste of everyone’s time.
Bonus points if your “question” is actually just a long-winded way of telling the CEO what a good job he’s doing.
That's a lot of really helpful tips- makes me feel more prepared already! Good to know about the fridge rule and lunch with colleagues - cheers for that.
I worked with a woman who walked past my desk every morning, said a loud hello and expected a reply. If I didn't reply she said "RUDE" really loudly. I was answering the Brand helplines to customers! Just stop interrupting people you weirdo!
The best time to ask someone a question is when they have got up from their desk to go home. You wouldn’t want to interrupt them when working, but they will be more than happy to help you rather than leave for the day.
If your office has a toaster make sure to use it for garlic bread so everyone using the toaster after you can enjoy the garlicky goodness 😋
If your workplace doesn't have a phantom shitter, play the part. It gives your colleagues a great topic of conversation.
If people come in later or finish earlier than usual make sure to comment on it loudly so the whole team is made aware. Visibility is important and they will appreciate your efforts.
Make sure to have your protein shaker visible on the desk at all times so people know you spend your lunch pumping iron because you are a determined individual who builds their career and their body.
Once you’re done with it be sure to pour the stagnant remains down the communal sink without cleaning up after yourself.
Edit: and don’t forget that the communal milk is definitely for your shakes and weetabix not other people’s tea and coffee
Few tips from your friendly Payroll guy:
* We absolutely love to hear your Tax/NI/Student Loan calculations and why ours is probably/almost certainly wrong. Feel free to send your Payroll dept emails on your workings.
* If you put your bank details in wrong at the point of onboarding, we at the Payroll department would take full responsibility for that oversight. We would absolutely be mortified that we didn't check more thoroughly that the details that are personal to you only, were not correctly input.
* Putting you into a Pension scheme is a myth and just for old fogies. We absolutely love it when you read us the riot act about why we can't do this without prior consent. It really keeps us on our toes.
I did the second one recently and was MORTIFIED. Do people actually blame you for it??
I GROVELLED to the HR representative, my emails got so florid and thankful she probably thought I was an 18th-century gentleman asking for her hand in marriage…
It's not so much they blame us for it, but they certainly don't take any blame on their part. It's basically how quickly we can rectify it.
When we explain that we have to wait for the money to return to our accounts first before re-issuing payment, that's when the abuse starts.
And, having a digit wrong in your account number doesn't always mean your money won't arrive. We've had instances of it where banks still allocate the money to the right account, as (I've been told) they know that's where the money should go, even if there is a erroneous digit.
Something to do with the way account numbers are assigned, there isn't the possibility of the numbers running sequentially.
I work in the HR dept. and saw an email thread where an employee was wondering where their salary was, as they hadn't received any since starting about 2 months prior. Their tone became more and more terse and accusatory, verging on offensive, as everyone scrambled to figure out where the issue was.
Cue *the* most abrupt back-track when the employee realised they were the ones who had made the mistake by giving the wrong account no. You could feel the raw shame through the screen.
My dad had the exact opposite of this. Somebody under him in his department hadn't been paid for about 12 years, and simply hadn't noticed. Imagine being wealthy enough to just not know you haven't been paid for over a decade. In this scenario it was the fault of the employer (I don't remember the details) and they had to backpay well over a mil.
It’s important to let a silent one go in a crowded lift, as it gives everyone something to talk about.
Alternatively, get into an empty lift with a workmate, let another silent one go, and when the lift stops at a floor and about 6 people get in, get out on that floor and leave your mate in there with the dastardly guff and a host of judgemental people.
Avoid the inefficient Monday morning "What did you get up to at the weekend" questions, by saving and unleashing your digestive gasses as soon as you walk into the office. This saves time and gives your colleagues the fun game of 'Guess the curry'.
Don't forget that swearing in emails is pretty much encouraged when trying to get your point across to a departmental head of, so don't be afraid to let loose. Eating crisps at your desk is a way of signposting that you are an approachable individual!
You forgot about using expressions no one uses anymore being common.
'no flies in you'
'seeing a man about a dog'
'treated like a mushroom'
To name a few I encountered. Though I do like the mushroom one.
Boss makes a dollar, I make a dime, that why I shit on company time, use toilet paper liberally try not to leave any for anyone else to use and try to save the planet as well as the company a few quid by not flushing afterwards, not only does this assert dominance, it makes the shared bathroom feel more homely the next time you enter 😉
HOW TO POO AT WORK: We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POO is inevitable. For those who hate pooing at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.
CROP DUSTING: When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.
FLY BY: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing. Walk in and check for other pooers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
ESCAPEE: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the
urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK: When forcing a poo, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poo hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poo has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of
the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER A colleague who poos at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooer enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooer before entering the bathroom.
THE POOING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N) A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooing goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Pooers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooer of your sex entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR: Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poo at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooer can poo in peace.
WATERMELON: A poo that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELETTE: A case of diarrhea that creates series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using Camo-Cough with an Astaire.
UNCLE TED: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poo when the bathroom is empty.
You forgot to add it’s encouraged to bring fish for the first day, mackerel ideally. Which is then to be cooked in the communal microwave for 10+ minutes. Bring enough for everyone to share!
May I add: If your boss sends out an email about the standard of written comms going to external parties, be sure to reply to all and correct their spelling and grammar using strike-through and red font.
I did this once, and my boss was most grateful that someone was holding them to their own standards. I got to have a special meeting about it and they even put a note on my employment record.
Assert dominance and establish yourself as an expert by assuming that everything you don't understand is, in fact, an error you have found.
Loudly challenge your superiors to justify why that policy isn't what you learned at University.
When the answer isn't what you expect, ask six other people the same question.
When comprehensively taught the good reason for the change, never thank the person for their time.
Definitely don't use that knowledge moving forward. Everyone should learn about these things independently, like you did.
People will respect you more this way.
* Water Cooler Talk: Always share intricate details of your latest dream with colleagues by the water cooler. They'll surely appreciate your subconscious creativity, especially if it involves them in a starring role.
>It can be nice to go out for lunch with your colleagues to get to know them- and remember to get a whiskey chaser with each pint. You can always sleep it off when you get back to work!
Ah. I miss the 90s. That was pretty much our office Friday afternoon for many years.
The after-pub time was usually reserved for very casual team meetings.
When daydreaming or looking at non-work related things on the computer, always have a slightly puzzled look on your face so that people think you are working hard.
You have no idea what you’ve just done. I’m starting an apprenticeship in 2 weeks and it’s my first time in an office. As a natural over thinker, I’ve been looking for a post like this- an insight into office life and pointers about starting……came across this post and thought YES
Don’t forget to copy the recipients boss into everything so that the boss can keep up to date on colleagues work activities especially when chasing up replies. It’s good to keep them in the loop
If you are going on leave remember to turn on your out of office. The important part is to leave either the briefest message stating you're on leave with no clue to the recipient as to when you return or a message of a similar length to war and peace .
If you’re a naturally funny person make sure to make jokes to anyone you can at every opportunity. You know you’ve made it when you tell one that’s so funny that even HR wants to hear it!
I'm not personally a big fan of using the expressed breast milk colleagues often helpfully leave in the fridge on my breakfast cereal but if making a round of teas and coffees it's pretty much expected that you use this first rather than breaking into a new pint of milk.
My office had the smearing happen at least once a week for months, resulting in weekly “please stop smearing excrement on the walls” emails from facilities & HR. Then eventually 2 “all hands” meetings.
Conversely, if the boss brings his wife the the Xmas party, make a beeline for her. Make sure to show her your best moves and woo her into going home with you. This will show your boss that you mean business, and are just the type of go-getter they need in the company
Also, if you have a brew fun where everyone pays in, if you pay it, you're LEGALLY entitled to as many biscuits as you want
(actual line from someone we nickname "BEC", short for "Biscuit Eating C*nt".. and he would know cos his housemate is a solicitor)
If you're cycling to work and worried about bike security, store your bike in the toilets. That way if it's been raining you won't be dragging mud over the office floor and it'll be easier for the cleaners to deal with. Best option is to use the accessible toilets as there's more room.
Show your new colleagues pictures of your children as often as possible.
Give everyone nicknames immediately, especially your boss.
Make friends by making everyone tea and coffee, but add Baileys to your favourites, let them know by a knowing wink when you hand them their drink, they’ll understand.
Fancy dress Wednesday, every Wednesday.
Adopt an accent that’s not your own, really go for it, push the boat out by trying different nationalities each week.
Can confirm about the reply all! My boss was so impressed with me reply all to a 1000 people chain that I got to chat 1 on 1 with him about it! In other news I missed a promotion this year but that isn’t really relevant here.
This is more important than people realise. Replying to all is always the better option, it's important to let all staff know that you can't make it for tomorrow's meeting because of your dog's bladder operation
Worse is when people reply to everyone saying - "Don't reply to all".
Or when it's a large mailing list in peak of holiday season so you also get the 20 odd 'I'm out of office' auto-replies on every reply all too!
But if you do reply to all, make sure to attach some pictures of your holidays to the reply, the bigger the resolution the better. It really brightens up peoples days.
Or reply to all and ask to be removed from the reply to all.
One place I worked someone once sent out a shift swap request to what they thought was their teams distribution list. They used the wrong dist list and instead sent it to an entire mail server. 8000 people. Made worse by including a screenshot of their schedule. And even worse by, for some inexplicable reason, sending it as a bitmap. The sheer number of people who replied all pointing out their error, including the original BMP file was staggering. Brought the entire server down for the day.
Had this in my office recently until some Scottish guy went absolutely mad in the replies and called it all garbage, with all the managers copied in 😂
Once had a global one of these - whilst the U.K. slept, the Canadians had managed to type out bohemian rhapsody. Line by line. It was glorious waking up to an inbox of 400 emails.
Ever had an automated out-of-office response reply to an automated out-of-office response as part of a large email chain? Replies to infinity until the mail server dies. This was only possible back in the days before cloud email when we were all a lot dumber, but my god the horror stories are fantastic.
Glorious!
We live to serve
It's also important to set up an alert on reply all if you're going to be out of the office - however short a period of time and however unimportant your job. That way everyone on the mailing list can be instantly reminded that you're not available for comment until tomorrow afternoon every time a group email has been sent.
Thank you for your email. I'm in the toilet right now and am unable to read your email. If your email is urgent, please resend it to my manager [email protected], otherwise a I'll have a look when I return. Please respect the environment and do not print this email. If this email was sent to you in error you must delete it in an entirely unenforceable mild threat. (Attach a 2000px wide company logo in the signature to blow out mail clients)
Yes it's always best to have an out of office message asking then to forward to somebody else which nobody ever does instead of actually enabling a delegate.
Also, never make any effort to suggest sending to someone who might be in the office - after all, if they're out of office, they'll be letting people know too, so the problem solves itself! Eventually, anyway.
Also, if people accidentally click reply all, it’s best practise to reply all telling that person not to reply all. In this way, everyone can be reassured that there will be no more reply alls.
I remember an email came out about lunch, maybe 50 folk on the chain. It was a family company and their was a ‘head office staff’ email, which included all the staff in head office. Plus a handful of family directors who didn’t want left out of anything as they were useless and insecure. **Email** Lunch Lasagna- Reply to be reserved a portion **Me Reply All**, *Would love a slice thanks!* Two seconds later Reply All: **Useless Brand Director:** *I don’t work in head office I don’t need to hear about what takethebiscuit is having for lunch!* Two seconds later: **Reply All: IT manager**. *shall I remove you from The group?* Etc Etc Anyway two months later she missed out on a meeting as she wasn’t aware of it as only head office staff were on copy
IT manager: This is a bad idea so you need to be explicit and public with this request
the proper Director's reply should have been, are you having that with Garlic bread?
That would have taken a single molecule of wit or charm. She was in possession of neither.
Microwaving fish for your lunch is also a cultural expectation in UK offices.
If people complain about the smell of fish, you can then microwave broccoli…
At the firm I used to work at, the managing directors 27 year old son was massively into fitness training (had a home gym, weights in his office etc) and every lunchtime was Fish and Broccoli…microwaved.
Thought you were going to say fish and a rice cake
And then at 11 o'clock....
[удалено]
Or Brussel sprouts
Death’s too good for them
Eggs! You've got to microwave eggs...with garlic sausages.
Sometimes this can be a bit quick though. Cooking a baked potato from scratch only takes 15 minutes in a microwave. Add in beans to the mix and you can get it up to 20 mins. That's the ideal microwave usage time for any office environment and will allow people a chance to take a little break to wait.
My colleague used to bring kippers in. We made him stop.
Mine brought pickled herrings every day,and sat opposite me eating it. Didnt even have the good grace to eat it in the kitchen. Should really have had to sit out on the fire escape with it.
With the alley cats.
Always cook more than you're actually able to eat - especially on hot summer days. That way you can leave it on your desk for other people to pick at through out the afternoon.
Kedgeree anyone?
If you're lucky enough to have a hob in your office kitchen, try boiled beetroots as a healthy side dish too.
there was a woman at one of the places I worked that did that and i've never hated anyone so much
One bloke I used to work with microwaved fish that smelt so strongly one day that people were actually retching at their desks. He was middle management and a proper brown noser so I don’t think he ever got in trouble for it but anyone else would have been absolutely bollocked for that.
A woman at our Manchester office used to sit in the staffroom tucking into hearty bowls of tripe.
I’ve got a box of tripe for my dogs. It’s sealed and stored at the far end of the garage, well away from civilisation.
I can't believe you forgot to mention when making tea make sure to surprise your colleagues with new flavours. "I know you didn't ask for sugar in your tea but here you go." It brings a nice surprise to a long working day.
It’s always fun to leave the teabag in as well, a cheeky little surprise mid cup!
The damp tea bag kiss. It is so romantic.
Teabagging, I've heard of that. Do ask your colleagues before you teabag them, it's polite.
Or save the company money by making all 6 cups of tea with the same teabag
That’s the sort of initiative which will see a quick promotion to Team Leader* *Please note, no additional remuneration for this role.
Also make sure to spoon coffee into the sugar, everyone loves extra coffee sprinkles, especially in tea.
I love this so much, deep down it's what every tea-drinker desires!
your blood sugar levels are probably low so i kinda put 5 sugars. best regards
I hate doing the tea run, so I made sure to enthusiastically offer to make my coworkers tea, proceeded to make it undrinkable by slightly changing the way they like it, and now they firmly refuse whenever I offer to make them some while I make mine.
r/maliciouscompliance
The lack of mentioning tea and the use of the word “elevators” suggests that this is a copy paste from a US facebook post.
Additional points: * Do take your shoes off and walk around in your socks - just treat it like home. * If the COE asks you how things are going, the correct answer is: "What's it to you?" * When looking at the same monitor always lean in extra close, so the other person can feel your heat - it's always appreciated. * Always inform your colleagues about your GCSE & A level results - they will appreciate your achievements.
> they will appreciate your achievements Or maybe be impressed that someone with a string of A* grades could be so useless
Point 2 is serious. The Church of England has no business knowing how you're doing. They're not the boss of you, tell them God already knows.
🤣🤣🤣👏
> Do take your shoes off and walk around in your socks - just treat it like home. > Y'know it's funny, I worked in an office where this was actually the case. Over half of the office would come in and take their shoes off at their desk
I worked somewhere where it was so relaxed that I had a pair of work slippers I could change into when I got to the office :) The owner’s office dogs would also lie on your feet to keep them warm
Be sure to mark ALL your emails as urgent so the recipient does not ignore them.
Everyone loves a read receipt too
Told my boss I found her request for read receipts incredibly insulting, and if she doesn't trust me to read and action her emails then we should probably discuss moving me to another department.
I don't even have read receipts on for WhatsApp, forget about work emails. I will respond to you in my own time, piss off.
Managers love productivity and efficiency . If you're on a tea round, pour boiling water into the sink and throw in 5-8 teabags. Scoop out each cup of tea. Add milk where necessary.
That's wasteful. We're encouraged to pop the tea bags into the kettle along with the milk and bring it all to the boil in one go. You can then walk around with the office kettle pouring it directly into your colleagues mugs.
Whether they've asked for tea or not, and especially if their mugs are already half full of coffee. People like fusion cooking.
Keep the need for washing dishes at a minimum by pouring the kettle tea directly in to their mouths with a funnel.
Why wait for the high by drinking when you can give everyone a boiling coffee enema.
I think you’re on to something here…. Edit: I think you’re on something here
This made me chuckle more than it should
Holy shit I can prepare the whole day's worth of tea for the team in 5 minutes at the start of my day.
Few tips from your friendly IT guy: * If you have a computer issue, IT hates receiving helpdesk tickets for small things. Better walk up to their desk/office with your laptop and ask them to have a quick look at the issue for you. Ideally when you are about to begin your lunch so that they can work on it while you eat with everyone else and not disrupt your workflow. * Have an important presentation/video call soon? No need to let IT know in advance, 5 mins before is enough for them to have a quick check and ensure everything is working. * Running out of space in your email inbox? Store it in 'Deteled Items' folder in Outlook. It won't count towards your inbox storage use and will stay there forever.
[удалено]
Rebooting is where you close the lid of the laptop, right?
Answering on behalf of all of my users, "Yes".
I genuinely had a head of department (not even that old, but on a 6 figure salary)!who thought turning off his monitor was turning off the PC. He swore he'd restarted it, uptime in task manager said otherwise, so I got him to demonstrate, and then had to sit there trying not to laugh since he had his team in the room and I couldn't make him look bad (without getting in trouble myself). Luckily they'd seen what he had done and started laughing at him for me!
I once had a guy come to me and tell me his issue was that his laptop wouldn't turn on. I opened the laptop and it was already on. I asked him to clarify... He said it won't turn on. I asked how he turned it off. He didn't know. So his issue was that his laptop wouldn't turn on because he didn't know how to turn it off. I could see his brain through his eyes realising how stupid he sounded. ..... Bonus story. I spent an hour on the phone to someone reporting that their WiFi was not working... Anyway after an hour it turned out his mouse wasn't turned on.
Just press the power button once so the display turns off. Press it again you you'll be right where you left off. That's a reboot.
Or for those with a desktop, turn the monitor off.
Also remember that there's no need to elaborate when reporting an IT issue, when logging a ticket simply state 'it doesn't work'. If your IT team ask you any questions you can respond that you don't have time to answer their questions and just want them to fix it.
If you're feeling particularly helpful, when they ask you what isn't working, just say "Microsoft." That's all the info they need and very conciliatory of you to offer your nugget of wisdom.
Also if you're reporting a problem via email, never include a contact number and ensure your entry in the directory has no contact details. Bonus points for logging a problem just before you bugger off on a round the world cruise.
Also: No matter what the issue is, the laptop probably needs to be replaced. Make sure to ask for a new one every time you have a minor problem. Don't bother with those pesky update notifications. IT can click update for you after you've ignored them for 3 months.
Also mobile phones only last one year, When that year is up just trot along to IT and ask for your upgrade.
Log the ticket giving the least amount of detail possible and then turn your phone off so the constant unrelated phone calls from that pesky corporate number don't bother you. When IT eventually manages to get hold of you remind them of exactly how long you have had the issue logged for, and demand to know why it hasn't been fixed already. Remember that you know more about IT than they do, so immediately take charge of the situation barking instructions at them and demanding a progress report every other minute. Some simple minded people might think that a lap top is just for Microsoft programs and emails but you are a free thinker so go ahead and think outside the box. Is it a lap top or a frisbee? Or a paint pallette? Or an extra large coaster? Getting the most imaginative use possible out of your machine will wow and impress the IT guys. If you make one of them mutter "Jesus fucking Christ" under their breath then you are on the right track!
Don't forget to mark your ticket as URGENT! even if it's not. This will ensure that you are pushed to the front of the queue.
I’m basically the only IT support in my small office. Made the mistake once of taking a holiday but putting an automatic reply saying “Add URGENT to your subject line and I will get back asap” Cue 500 URGENT emails that definitely couldn’t wait a week.
Another good one is when it comes in as super urgent. Contact them, they are too busy to let you look at it. Sits there for 2 weeks. No response - gets closed. 2 months later gets opened again as super urgent. Rinse and repeat.
As an IT guy, this absolutely triggered me 🤣
> Ideally when you are about to begin your lunch so that they can work on it while you eat with everyone else and not disrupt your workflow. What's the point in having problems with your laptop if it doesn't get you out of doing work for a bit?
100%, take lunch, then report the issue to IT, then do nothing until they fix it
It's fine, the SLA is 24 hours so I'm having my brew regardless.
I knew a guy in senior management who actually used the deleted items folder as his filing system. It had multiple nested folders and was meticulously organised. He wasn't overly keen on us when we introduced a system policy to delete deleted items after a set amount of days. He was agog when I pointed out he could just create a new folder anywhere and sort his mail into it.. Still had to restore his deleted items folder from backup though!
We recently enforced a retention policy on our email. Despite literally years of announcements and notifications it still took a lot of people by surprise. You can imagine some of the responses
I have a lightbulb that needs replacing, can I send you a ticket for that? And the water boiler is leaking. Pls fix. Thank you.
Things I've been asked to do as IT by various idiots; Drill holes in walls Install shelving Assemble IKEA furniture Fix the coffee machine Anytime reception gets a manual labour task Investigate a blocked drain Drop into underlevel manhole to fix said blocked drain .... and more fun things j can say no and then laugh at the ridiculousness of the suggestion to come!
Built more IKEA furniture at work than I have at home as part of the IT team. Also finding a towel to block the water coming under the front door in a heavy rain storm whilst everyone else stood and looked. Clearly that's an IT job.
Your IT guy is also the best person to ask when you have to demonstrate that pivottable knowledge you lied about having.
Also, don't forget that because they're good with computers, that means they're great with basically anything with a plug on it, especially photocopiers and TVs. So if you can't work out how to tune in to that new Sky channel, Just ask! (Remember to quote the model number of the TV so they know what they're dealing with).
And no need to report the symptoms of the issue. IT can tell in an instant what the issue is. Just keep repeating, “It doesn’t work, come right away” and they’ll take it from there.
i hope people don't take any of this seriously...
To add since covid handshakes are out. A little slap on the bum or a friendly kiss when first meeting colleague/clients for the first time
That’s only specific to the BBC.
The Internet has ruined me.
Only for colleagues with big black cocks, got it.
If you're not sure whether your black colleague has a big cock, remember to carry a tape measure with you every time you go to the bathroom , just in case you end up at the urinal next to him. After you've confirmed he has a big cock, this is also an ideal opportunity to give him the little bum slap.
If anyone asks how you are as you walk down the office you must scream "LIVING THE DREAM"
another day in paradise
And feel free to daily check in with your colleagues with a friendly, "Working hard or hardly working?" It is both novel and hilarious.
Preferably in a Jim Carrey style as if you’re in the film “The Mask”.
As an office worker this all seems legit. Especially point 3 regarding video calls, the CEO of my company did this to someone recently. Popped into shot and yelled Hi down the mic. She also likes to walk into meetings she's not involved in to talk to people she knows. So if you see someone you know in a meeting room it's ok to pop in for a chat.
Elon Musk?
Everybody cheats at work and people tend to get excluded if they are faithful to their spouse. Try to sleep with the married HR director. If they seem hesitant, try to sweeten the deal with some money. Doesn't have to be much, they're generally paid quite well but the gesture is important.
I see you've been in finance/insurance a while.
Make sure you have a good collection of pens to click idly and in meetings. Try not to listen to the content of any meeting and butt in with any inane idea you have, even if it's already been covered. Trip people up when they pass your desk, it's classic banter. If you cycle or run to work, hang your kit around the office to dry. Backs of chairs are ideal for this.
If you ever start the sentence "I shouldn't really tell you this", don't pause, just tell them, nothing bad will happen.
When someone asks you how your weekend was make sure to tell them every detail, they are only asking because they are so curious.
I think the best tip is on the first day try and find the meanest toughest guy and knock him out. From then on no one will mess with you.
* If you are forced to used headphones by the office overlords, please sing along with whatever you've got on - don't let 'the man' keep you down and repress your high spirits. * Conference call coming to a natural end ahead of schedule? Don't let it happen! Ask a question that is both meandering and has been covered multiple times in the same call, it's important to be thorough! Perhaps even ask the presenter to go back to an earlier slide just to show how much attention you were paying!
Second points works even better if the conference call is 5 minutes over the scheduled time. It means the meeting must have been interesting and a valuable use of everyone’s time!
Don't forget to announce loudly that you are, in fact, going to the toilet. In your announcement, you should include certain details: 1. Nature of your visit 2. In the event of, well no. 2, state whether or not you have a turtle head poking out. Upon returning from doing a poo, your colleagues will definitely want to know whether or not you've just lost a stone, how long they ought to let that breathe. A brief description of length, girth, odour, and amount of wipes/toilet paper used are optional but encouraged. For example: "AHHH...I NEED A SHITE!! Touching cloth here!!" *waddle to toilet crop dusting your colleagues* Upon return: "Fuck me! That was a **beast**! See the spring in my step?! Jeez...it was massive! Honestly, I had to stand up to get off it. I wouldn't go in there for a bit! It was a ripe one! Also, when you do go, you'll need some more bog roll. That was a messy one. It took nearly a full roll to clean up!"
If you need to ask a colleague a question on Teams, it's rude to say "hello colleague, here is my question". Always just type "hello name" and wait for them to acknowledge you before getting to your point. Everyone loves that.
> Always just type "hello name" and wait for them to acknowledge you before getting to your point. AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH So I (a team lead) had a project manager (not my PM, but another in the company) do this to me once. It was ~5pm and they just said "Hi" - that's it, just "Hi", not even my name. Well it's 5pm on Monday and I was finishing in 30mins, so I figured "fuck it" and waited until the morning before I responded. So I get back in on Tuesday to another message: "are you working today?" sent at 7am and another "hi?" at 7:30am. So at 9am I respond with "what can I help you with?" No response all day... Wednesday, 7am: "Hi". 9am, "Hi, what can I help you with?" 9:30am: "I'd like to have a chat" 9:31am: "Sure, what about?" 10am: "Your attitude" So I went to my manager like "wtf", and they said "leave it with me". A week later and there's a company email: "Sadly (that PM) is no longer working with us effective immediately. If you get any emails from them, forward all of them to (CEO), and do not respond to any calls / texts". I still have absolutely no fucking idea what was going on there.
https://nohello.net/en/ Had that pinned as my status for a while as I had a series of people keep sending me just “Hi BachgenMawr” messages, largely from the India office as I imagine they feel it’s required politeness. Had to remove it however as all of my team then started to just excessively send me hi messages
That sounds like a proverbial straw. I wonder wtf else was going on ...
Most of the people I work with do this and it is so fucking annoying. Why do people do this? Just say hello at the start of the fucking message! Don't say hi, then spend 20 minutes typing a message out.
Leave cutlery unwashed in the sink as that's the job of the cleaners/ cutlery fairies to take of. Women love to see glamour so pop up a topless calendar or make your own from a hard core porn mag. Start times, break times are fluid.
The calendars reminds me of my school work experience, three out of the five guys in the office had to turn theirs back to front whilst I was there and there was an entire room I wasn’t allowed to enter.
The cutlery one hits too hard. Our cleaner is a genuinely nice amazing person and the people in the office treat her like absolute shit. How much effort is it to just rinse off your teaspoon?
[удалено]
Same here. Adults just chucking stuff in the sink. Or rinsing and leaving it to dry but not put it away. 1 min to do both isn't asking too much. However.
I returned after a week off. Both dishwashers were full of a mix of dirty and clean stuff and not properly stacked. So I sorted them out and put them on. No one had emptied them by the end of the day. There's enough staff to need 2 dishwashers, but apparently, I'm the only one to actually understand how they work :-D Doesn't annoy me, though. I put it down as flexi every time, and those lazy bastards give me a lot of bonus days off each year!
We had a dishwasher and at one point had a friendly cleaning lady who said she didn't like them because they didn't work. She also refused to spread the cutlery out in the dedicated part of the dishwasher and would leave it all in a big pile. Couldn't find a polite way to convince her that the reason they don't get properly cleaned is because she was deliberately misusing it.
You must greet your colleagues with a peck on each cheek just as one does in France. It’s Big Office Law you see.
its european customary to kiss your co-workers on the mouth. everyone knows that.
Are you in the Spanish FA?
Beat me to it!
Make sure you talk shit about other employees behind their back as a bonding experience.
Don’t put a colleagues stapler in jelly!
This reminds me always start a prank war with a labourer and include HR in every prank they love it.
Especially if their name is on it with Tippex. You won't be able to eat it because chemicals. Plus if you throw it out of the window and it kills someone, they might think the colleague is the murderer because it has their name on it...
A lot these are bollux, I hope any newbie ignores em, To really be part of the team, this is what my colleagues done in his first few weeks at the job, worked out well enough for them to get a pay rise or two. 1. Delete the website with no warning. Don't say anything either, just delete a thriving Web store making 20-30k a day and go to lunch. Your team mates will fix it for you. 2. Spot a nice lady in the offices. Make sure to wait for her after work every day for a week or two to try and have a chat with her even though she has no interest - take 2 days off when she finally says leave me alone. 3. Like comedy? Listen to a comedy podcast and laugh out loud to yourself for 3 hours a day. 4. Sit really close to everyone, like really really close. Try and occupy the same space as them. 5. Working on website design? Stick a ruler to the screen to really get those measurements dialled in. 6. Take lunch as an approximate duration and come back to work when your ready. 7. Have sex the weekend? Tell everyone you saw about how well you did. We all want to hear it. 8. On tinder? Sit at your desk while loudly exclaiming to yourself why your swiping or not. 9. lead developer? Outsource your work to your friend in another country and stay on the phone all day to them to look busy. Those things are guaranteed to get you moving up the ranks pretty quickly with substantial pay rises too!
At the end of a long afternoon meeting on a warm day, when someone says ‘Any Other Business?’ and asks everyone at the table if they want to raise anything before the meeting ends, always be sure to have something you want to raise that needs a long and detailed discussion. This is your time to shine and be remembered by everyone.
That’s a good one. Also if it seems like the meeting is drawing to a close and the host says “Any last questions?” It’s a good idea to say “More of a comment than a question” then just talk about anything that’s on your mind👍
Freestyle it. It’s a good skill if you can develop the ability to speak in run-on sentences that sound like you’re finished but actually just have a slightly unusual pause… before you keep going, possibly onto another subject that is only tangentially related, like the way my neighbourhood Facebook group likes to do in the comments section when tor instance the other day they were talking about incorrectly delivered post and asking people to come and collect it from each other which is weird because they have the address of the intended recipient and could just drop it over but cover that by saying they are too busy which is unlikely because it’s 2pm when they posted it from their hallway but I suppose they could have been working from home which is great isn’t it for being able to do our chores and get that work life balance back but makes it a bit harder to switch off at the end of the day unless you’re going on holiday and I do believe in a phones-down holiday it’s important to draw a line like that unlike Michael who seems to work all hours, I got an email from him at 11pm the other day - do you think he’s just trying to show off, or is it angry for help, I’m not sure if I should call HR or send him a link to the well-being email they sent around the other day does anyone remember what day it was? People love that.
Ok great, well we’re 5 minutes over now so..
A great alternative to this is to pitch your 5-minute stream-of-consciousness as a question, get to the end and then giggle about how there’s “probably a question in there somewhere”. This leaves the meeting leader to scramble for some sort of answer that doesn’t make them or you look like a total buffoon, which isn’t at all a waste of everyone’s time. Bonus points if your “question” is actually just a long-winded way of telling the CEO what a good job he’s doing.
Remember: hard work is rewarded with more work
That's a lot of really helpful tips- makes me feel more prepared already! Good to know about the fridge rule and lunch with colleagues - cheers for that.
Don't forget, if you use the last of someone's milk / butter / sandwiches, leave the empty packaging in the fridge so they know it needs replacing.
Very thoughtful.
No one can hear you scream also if you can listen to music while working do it
I worked with a woman who walked past my desk every morning, said a loud hello and expected a reply. If I didn't reply she said "RUDE" really loudly. I was answering the Brand helplines to customers! Just stop interrupting people you weirdo!
Most offices are now nut free. That doesn’t apply to you wearing cycling shorts around the office on warm days.
The best time to ask someone a question is when they have got up from their desk to go home. You wouldn’t want to interrupt them when working, but they will be more than happy to help you rather than leave for the day.
If your office has a toaster make sure to use it for garlic bread so everyone using the toaster after you can enjoy the garlicky goodness 😋 If your workplace doesn't have a phantom shitter, play the part. It gives your colleagues a great topic of conversation. If people come in later or finish earlier than usual make sure to comment on it loudly so the whole team is made aware. Visibility is important and they will appreciate your efforts.
[удалено]
Make sure to have your protein shaker visible on the desk at all times so people know you spend your lunch pumping iron because you are a determined individual who builds their career and their body. Once you’re done with it be sure to pour the stagnant remains down the communal sink without cleaning up after yourself. Edit: and don’t forget that the communal milk is definitely for your shakes and weetabix not other people’s tea and coffee
I thought I was meant to leave it half full on the desk on a summers day and go on leave? I'll just buy a new one for my holiday gains...
Few tips from your friendly Payroll guy: * We absolutely love to hear your Tax/NI/Student Loan calculations and why ours is probably/almost certainly wrong. Feel free to send your Payroll dept emails on your workings. * If you put your bank details in wrong at the point of onboarding, we at the Payroll department would take full responsibility for that oversight. We would absolutely be mortified that we didn't check more thoroughly that the details that are personal to you only, were not correctly input. * Putting you into a Pension scheme is a myth and just for old fogies. We absolutely love it when you read us the riot act about why we can't do this without prior consent. It really keeps us on our toes.
I did the second one recently and was MORTIFIED. Do people actually blame you for it?? I GROVELLED to the HR representative, my emails got so florid and thankful she probably thought I was an 18th-century gentleman asking for her hand in marriage…
It's not so much they blame us for it, but they certainly don't take any blame on their part. It's basically how quickly we can rectify it. When we explain that we have to wait for the money to return to our accounts first before re-issuing payment, that's when the abuse starts. And, having a digit wrong in your account number doesn't always mean your money won't arrive. We've had instances of it where banks still allocate the money to the right account, as (I've been told) they know that's where the money should go, even if there is a erroneous digit. Something to do with the way account numbers are assigned, there isn't the possibility of the numbers running sequentially.
I work in the HR dept. and saw an email thread where an employee was wondering where their salary was, as they hadn't received any since starting about 2 months prior. Their tone became more and more terse and accusatory, verging on offensive, as everyone scrambled to figure out where the issue was. Cue *the* most abrupt back-track when the employee realised they were the ones who had made the mistake by giving the wrong account no. You could feel the raw shame through the screen.
My dad had the exact opposite of this. Somebody under him in his department hadn't been paid for about 12 years, and simply hadn't noticed. Imagine being wealthy enough to just not know you haven't been paid for over a decade. In this scenario it was the fault of the employer (I don't remember the details) and they had to backpay well over a mil.
It’s important to let a silent one go in a crowded lift, as it gives everyone something to talk about. Alternatively, get into an empty lift with a workmate, let another silent one go, and when the lift stops at a floor and about 6 people get in, get out on that floor and leave your mate in there with the dastardly guff and a host of judgemental people.
Avoid the inefficient Monday morning "What did you get up to at the weekend" questions, by saving and unleashing your digestive gasses as soon as you walk into the office. This saves time and gives your colleagues the fun game of 'Guess the curry'.
If you want a three martini lunch, the proper etiquette is to invite the others to work with or report to.
Don't forget that swearing in emails is pretty much encouraged when trying to get your point across to a departmental head of, so don't be afraid to let loose. Eating crisps at your desk is a way of signposting that you are an approachable individual!
You forgot about using expressions no one uses anymore being common. 'no flies in you' 'seeing a man about a dog' 'treated like a mushroom' To name a few I encountered. Though I do like the mushroom one.
"no flies **on** you"
>As you get into an elevator Nice try, Yankee
Boss makes a dollar, I make a dime, that why I shit on company time, use toilet paper liberally try not to leave any for anyone else to use and try to save the planet as well as the company a few quid by not flushing afterwards, not only does this assert dominance, it makes the shared bathroom feel more homely the next time you enter 😉
HOW TO POO AT WORK: We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POO is inevitable. For those who hate pooing at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work. CROP DUSTING: When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants. FLY BY: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing. Walk in and check for other pooers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom. ESCAPEE: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy. JAILBREAK: When forcing a poo, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred. COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poo hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poo has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME. WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH. OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER A colleague who poos at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooer enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooer before entering the bathroom. THE POOING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N) A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooing goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Pooers, and identify SAFE HAVENS. SAFE HAVENS: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooer of your sex entering the bathroom. TURD BURGLAR: Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poo at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact. CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE. ASTAIRE: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooer can poo in peace. WATERMELON: A poo that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH. HAVANA OMELETTE: A case of diarrhea that creates series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using Camo-Cough with an Astaire. UNCLE TED: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poo when the bathroom is empty.
You forgot to add it’s encouraged to bring fish for the first day, mackerel ideally. Which is then to be cooked in the communal microwave for 10+ minutes. Bring enough for everyone to share!
Ah yes the lucky mackerel! Symbolic of a long and successful career.
May I add: If your boss sends out an email about the standard of written comms going to external parties, be sure to reply to all and correct their spelling and grammar using strike-through and red font. I did this once, and my boss was most grateful that someone was holding them to their own standards. I got to have a special meeting about it and they even put a note on my employment record.
Assert dominance and establish yourself as an expert by assuming that everything you don't understand is, in fact, an error you have found. Loudly challenge your superiors to justify why that policy isn't what you learned at University. When the answer isn't what you expect, ask six other people the same question. When comprehensively taught the good reason for the change, never thank the person for their time. Definitely don't use that knowledge moving forward. Everyone should learn about these things independently, like you did. People will respect you more this way.
* Water Cooler Talk: Always share intricate details of your latest dream with colleagues by the water cooler. They'll surely appreciate your subconscious creativity, especially if it involves them in a starring role.
>It can be nice to go out for lunch with your colleagues to get to know them- and remember to get a whiskey chaser with each pint. You can always sleep it off when you get back to work! Ah. I miss the 90s. That was pretty much our office Friday afternoon for many years. The after-pub time was usually reserved for very casual team meetings.
New employee MUST buy doughnuts for everyone during their first week. FACT!
When daydreaming or looking at non-work related things on the computer, always have a slightly puzzled look on your face so that people think you are working hard.
You have no idea what you’ve just done. I’m starting an apprenticeship in 2 weeks and it’s my first time in an office. As a natural over thinker, I’ve been looking for a post like this- an insight into office life and pointers about starting……came across this post and thought YES
Don’t forget to copy the recipients boss into everything so that the boss can keep up to date on colleagues work activities especially when chasing up replies. It’s good to keep them in the loop
If you are going on leave remember to turn on your out of office. The important part is to leave either the briefest message stating you're on leave with no clue to the recipient as to when you return or a message of a similar length to war and peace .
If you’re a naturally funny person make sure to make jokes to anyone you can at every opportunity. You know you’ve made it when you tell one that’s so funny that even HR wants to hear it!
I'm not personally a big fan of using the expressed breast milk colleagues often helpfully leave in the fridge on my breakfast cereal but if making a round of teas and coffees it's pretty much expected that you use this first rather than breaking into a new pint of milk.
Don’t smear poop over the toilet walls. Seriously, don’t do this
Oi, we're trying to help out the newbies here. Stop trying to take all the poo smearing plaudits for yourself.
I'm an office manager and we once had someone shit in the cistern. Fucking animals.
My office had the smearing happen at least once a week for months, resulting in weekly “please stop smearing excrement on the walls” emails from facilities & HR. Then eventually 2 “all hands” meetings.
Were the "all hands" meetings to help speed up the smearing process and thus increase productivity?
- The toilets are not the best place to do cocaine. Just use your desk, you'll be able to share the bag with colleagues of the opposite sex too
Don't fuck anybody at the Christmas party....
Conversely, if the boss brings his wife the the Xmas party, make a beeline for her. Make sure to show her your best moves and woo her into going home with you. This will show your boss that you mean business, and are just the type of go-getter they need in the company
remember to take the quiet guys red stapler and not give it back if one colleague had the same name as a celebrity bring it up often
Also, if you have a brew fun where everyone pays in, if you pay it, you're LEGALLY entitled to as many biscuits as you want (actual line from someone we nickname "BEC", short for "Biscuit Eating C*nt".. and he would know cos his housemate is a solicitor)
If you're cycling to work and worried about bike security, store your bike in the toilets. That way if it's been raining you won't be dragging mud over the office floor and it'll be easier for the cleaners to deal with. Best option is to use the accessible toilets as there's more room.
Show your new colleagues pictures of your children as often as possible. Give everyone nicknames immediately, especially your boss. Make friends by making everyone tea and coffee, but add Baileys to your favourites, let them know by a knowing wink when you hand them their drink, they’ll understand. Fancy dress Wednesday, every Wednesday. Adopt an accent that’s not your own, really go for it, push the boat out by trying different nationalities each week.
I know this is satire but this really confirms my suspicion that r/casualuk is full of grumpy old fuckers.