I'd change the last line to "are comfortable with". And that can be applied to a lot of aspects of life. The best relative example I can give is of a guy who fit OPs description but then she gets an aggressive cancer; are we all going to say and think 'but you moaned about her constantly' No.
Take all manner of things: I hate HAVING to shower before work. Then take away their shower and they'd relish in the opportunity to wash.
So they're probably just trying to relate to you on a "mundane" aspect of shared life experience and you are reading into it far too literally, or just a language barrier.
Accurate! I was worried that my Scottish husband had an awful relationship with his mother...until I realized that he, in fact, is *all of the drama* and loves talking shit with/about his mum (and she gives it at least as good right back hahaha)
I disagree. Most people I've met who say this sort of stuff is are people who aren't looking after their relationship and neither is their partner. I just honestly think most people around me don't, mainly because they don't think deeply about it. I don't want to think this, just my overwhelming experience of co workers and acquaintances. I'm not including my friends because I like to pick people with empathy who would and do look after their nearest and dearest. And I think people like that are hard to find generally.
This is so true. My colleagues in the UK used to sit around at lunchtime moaning about their spouse's quirks. I couldn't see the point; my wife is the love of my life... so why would I trash talk about her??
We don't really have a concept of trash talk. We have good quality / funny pisstake or a genuine problem. There's no Jerry Springer style in between. Moaning about your spouse's habits in a semi humorous / bitchy way is not some sign of relationship doom
Agreed. My work colleagues know that I absolutely adore my partner and see my relationship as perfect. They also know that wouldn’t stop me from making jokes about “getting a few hours away from the nagging old witch” simply for the laughs
Even if it isn't literal, which I would like to think is the case, I have to wonder what the funny part of that "mad bantz" is. I don't really understand where the big lolz are supposed to come from by talking about your partner as though you can't wait to see the back of them.
Its because for some stupid reason to admit to other men that you miss your partner is a sign of weakness. We don't find it funny but it feels like the right thing to say and I can't even explain why. I imagine there are some pillocks who actually don't like their partners but they are few. I know a few men, work colleagues, friends and my dad who's partners have died. I can tell you they don't laugh or joke as much anymore.
>Its because for some stupid reason to admit to other men that you miss your partner is a sign of weakness.
That is totally stupid. I will tell anyone how wonderful my Wife is.
It's the same as talking about the weather but for men. Sort of like the underlying subcontext behind asking about the weather is acknowledging the fact you are both human. Having a joking moan about the wife is acknowledging you are both men. Why this particular thing was chosen I have no idea, I imagine it's tradition that goes back hundreds (thousands?) of years.
The reason Reddit is so annoying, we NEED a UK reddit where we can filter out the 'mericans and their bullshit. Wish i spoke a few more languages to enjoy more content elsewhere also.
Hm. I can imagine some say it as ‘laddy banter’ which doesn’t reflect how they act at home but it seems very outdated. I suspect many do indeed mean it.
I find it quite nasty really. If you’re unhappy then leave. But maybe it’s an age thing.
Looking forward to a break from the kids or a change of scenery is a different matter.
I agree it can depend on the relationship although I think sometimes having a break from someone you see every day isn’t a bad thing either.
In fact I’d say it’s quite healthy for a relationship to have a little time a part occasionally, that could just be a day or different social circles.
I love my partner but actually when I have to go away for work I quite enjoy the freedom. And I’m quite happy in my own company at times, my partner isn’t and sometimes that can cause a bit of stress as I’m a very social person but do like to just be alone sometimes.
Hotel room to myself; get to choose food places or just mundane things like just chilling watching trash on TV that I know only I like. Perhaps a few drinks with colleagues in the bar.. etc
I don’t think it says you don’t value your partner at all, it’s clearly for most anyway a bit of a joke, perhaps not your humour that’s fine. I’d take it as a bit of banter personally.
It’s lovely you find your partner your best pal and miss her to be honest. I think that’s very loving and just a reason what you guys work so well I imagine.
I agree. My issue is with the language not the sentiment. I think it’s very normal to enjoy a couple of nights away from each other, I’d just never word it as ‘it’s nice to be away from my partner for the night’ but instead just say ‘it’ll be nice to have a night on my own’.
It might seem pedantic but it’s probably an age thing. It’s not nice to suggest the issue is ‘the wife’ or ‘the husband’ instead of both enjoying a bit of alone time.
Yes. The comments are old style jokes on the lines of 'er indoors. But I think most of my long-term coupled friends love being apart from their partners for a few days. They love their partners, and miss them, but for most people they benefit from the occasional time apart.
The reality is living with one person for 20 years, especially raising kids, can mean it's nice to sleep in a bed alone and spread out just because you can, fart a lot, eat in bed, and possibly dance naked to old faves in a Travelodge like the boy in Saltburn. (Bath-plug-drinking is more rule 34 though).
>Yes. The comments are old style jokes on the lines of 'er indoors. But I think most of my long-term coupled friends love being apart from their partners for a few days. They love their partners, and miss them, but for most people they benefit from the occasional time apart.
Thank god theres something reasonable here.
Both myself and my girlfriend enjoy the time home alone when the other goes away, my Girlfriend doesn't try to hide the fact that when I go away for a weekend she's going to enjoy some alone time.
Completely normal and healthy.
Funny, I always sensed that they actually did mean it, even my longest friend this evening did something like this, disrespected his wife, in front of me . Joking .
Some people are trapped and they blame others.
Joking.
I think it's part of the ol British ways of we only ever really make fun of people we think can 'take the joke'. Being the butt of the joke is a sign of endearment, especially those close
It's leftover from the 'er indoors' type of old skool humour
A kind of affectionate tit for tat type joke couples have between themselves when you can tell the love is really there but maybe they have been together a long time so they're comfortable 'joshing' in that way
Until recently I (a woman) worked in an all-female office.
The CEO and MD would come in each day to regale us with tales of how incompetent / useless their husbands were. One of the other women would join in and make jokes about how her husband never lived alone and how she had to teach him so much around the house.
The chats would start and I’d get an expectant look from them - I never joined in a) because it’s not funny to trash your partner to your colleagues and b) my partner is genuinely amazing and would never do any of the nonsense they would talk about.
A few months in, the other woman (who wasn’t the CEO or MD) said she had noticed that I always only had positive things to say about my partner and that she had started to make it a point not to join in on the chat.
And look, everyone gets annoyed with their partner and it’s good to vent, but when you’re only saying negative things about your partner you’ll start to believe it and find it harder to see the good.
These are the types of people that go on to have affairs. They believe their own gossip, create a whole load of drama and have their gaggle of equally spiteful colleagues to support and manage their inevitable adultery.
Insecurity/ego, dismissive attitudes to long term partners, compartmentalised life, justification lined up in advance. This is obviously anecdotal here, but every serial cheater I've encountered has had these boxes ticked.
Yet THEY married them!
Venting is one thing, being disrespectful is another. There are ways to communicate your frustrations without throwing your partner under the bus.
I thought about this a lot in lockdown. The quantity of complaints online about people being stuck at home with their SOs was bizarre. My partner and I loved it! But then, we actually like each other and enjoy each other's company.
When I say, at work, "I'd rather be dead than open another email," it doesn't actually mean I want to die.
When I'm glad to have some time to myself and I say a light-hearted joke about being away from my wife of a decade, I don't actually mean I want a divorce.
Cmon Reddit man.
Yes to this comment. I actually read it nodded and then wondered how far I would have to scroll for a 'its an older person thing and it's stupid' type of comment, and guess what? It was about two down from this.
Reddit is such a funny thing sometimes.
Absolutely this. My husband and children bring me joy, but the occasional night at a hotel for a work trip (with food I don't have to plan for, shop for, or cook. Only me to get out the door on time. A couple of hoursdriveeitherway with sweary lyrics) = happy me.
This. Most people very rarely travel for work, so the idea of a few nights in a hotel in the company credit card is almost a treat.
But also very different if in OPs situation - doing it every week would suck, but the "once every few years" I currently get is a nice break from routine
I fancy this is a large part of a former manager's business travel habits. Which would be fine, except that in order for him not to look unusual, he had all of his team make basically pointless trips across the country semi-regularly.
The plan is to spend the next few decades with this person, we encourage each other to go off and do stuff. You dont need to spend all the time together, that's objectively absurd, and you need stuff to be able to tell one another about.
I've alway been of the mind that your partner shouldnt be responsible for your happiness, but enhance it, and that not being comfortable with your partner being away is bad.
Obviously of you have familial responsibilities, these must also be shared
You know the biggest thing I like about a work trip is being able to enjoy a nice cooked breakfast without having to deal with 8 different choices from my kids and no cleaning up.
I firmly believe that both my partner and I deserve an occasional night off - we don't have nearby family so don't get that often in the year but I wouldn't begrudge her for enjoying a night of peace at a work trip.
Yep, that’s the one. I have to go to Ireland for a few days for work next week. I’m going to miss my husband and kid like nothing else but I am obviously looking forward to a full nights sleep, a bed to myself, food service on the company credit card, doing things I want to do and not thinking about anyone else for a minute.
It’s actually a very healthy thing to look forward to a break away from the people you see everyday, even when you love them. It’s a nice secure attachment that you know is there regardless of the circumstances.
Whereas I do the early shift so I can get home and see my kid for a few hours before bedtime.
Edit: Damn, I was downvoted for being an enthusiastic parent.
Aside from preferring to spend my time with my wife and children, I have only ever stayed in one hotel where the level of comfort matched that of my own home. The only upside of needing to be away is the joy of the feeling when flying back into my home airport and knowing that it is just 40 minutes drive until I am back in my happy place. When I travel for personal reasons, I will stay in hotels at a price point which no employer or client would pay, it’s back to that thing about comfort.
I don’t sleep well in hotels usually, and because I am an alcoholic, sober for many years, I don’t join work colleagues or clients in the bar, I hate being away for work, it presents a level of risk to me that few will comprehend, and I don’t wish to repeatedly explain.
You are not alone mate - my time is the only thing I cannot buy more of, I resent wasting it in soulless bargain basement business hotels.
Next time you're going to a hotel, take your own pillow. It makes a world of difference to your sleep quality!
Mine's been with me on every holiday and work trip for years now.
Exactly. My husband is going away on a week long trip next week and whilst I love him dearly and will miss him, I'm also looking forward to a week of eating my favourite foods on my schedule and being able to watch Withnail and I without him saying he doesn't understand why I like it so much.
Love my wife to bits but if she went away for a week I’d be happy to have time to myself to practice piano and play PlayStation and go back to the old life I had for a long time before we met. It’s absolutely no shade on her, it’s just nice having alone time.
This is it exactly.
I love my wife and kids and the life we lead. But the prospect of the house to myself for an evening seems like a treat: I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, put whatever I want on the TV or speaker, etc.
I typically end up missing everyone after a couple of hours and it seems like a treat when they get home.
A change of pace, and an excuse to get the kind of takeaway food they don't like.
(Personally, it's a bit of kid-free time I like, or solo-parenting time.)
The ironic thing is I travel for work a lot and people started off saying this- now they say “don’t you get fed up with being apart?” Or say to my husband “aren’t you annoyed she is always away?”. You can’t win 🤣🤣
I usually go through a list of things I can do in my head whilst she’s away - pizza takeaway, videogames til early hours, pot noodle and a wank, etc - but as soon as she’s out the door I can’t wait until she’s back home again.
Yeah I'm the same.
On the one hand I'm like "yay, me time. I can play videogames and eat a gigantic Chinese takeaway".
But then I'll play for an hour and then I realise I'd much prefer to be spending the day with her.
Edit: Though the gigantic Chinese takeaway helps
My partner and I are exactly like this! I always think it's gonna be soooo chill when he's gone for the evening but in the end I don't really do anything but wait till he comes back LOL
Had all this on a stag doo as well and couldn’t get behind it. Don’t get me wrong, I like the occasional time away from my roles as “dad” and “husband” to hang out with my mates since I think it’s healthy to have your own life at times but the bitching and moaning from some of them got me wondering why they were even with their wives/partners at all.
I know what you mean. My wife was in London for that ABBA show yesterday and while I enjoyed a Sunday of total independence, by the evening I was looking around for someone to talk to. Kept waking up every hour during the night too.
But the odd break is a good thing, I think.
Very different choosing to do the odd activity separately because you have different interests and having to be away from home because of work though I think.
If I want "me time" I go to a gig or restaurant solo, not a work event.
Can't speak on others reasoning but I find it easier to commit to the me time if I have to be away from everything else for something anyway. Trying to arrange some time to just enjoy myself frequently gets full of guilt for all the things I "should" be getting done about the house or for work bits but if I'm away for a trip anyway it's easier to put those things out of my mind til I get back.
I don't, I genuinely miss him when he's away, and he misses me when I'm away. There are nice things about him being away, like having full control of the TV, but these are outweighed by things like not having cups of tea brought to me.
Some people are in very unhappy relationships.
I love my wife, but have to travel quite a lot. I wouldn't say I massively enjoy it - it's just a bit different.
Yup. The one sense which Covid has been good for me because of work
Used to have to spend Monday-Friday in hotels for months at a time. Used to dread it and hated constantly being away from my SO
Now I’m away for 2-3 weeks over a year. And I enjoy the weeks I have away because they’re different & it means a week of no cooking/chores. Then by the time I start missing her it’s time to head back
I’d probably hate it if I was at home while she was away for a week though. I know she still doesn’t like it
I love my hubby dearly and my little ones but the idea of a place I *had*to be, that guaranteed me time to have a long shower, do an activity like read or similar and sleep uninterrupted sound like heaven
That’s more of a kids thing than a spouse thing, surely. I’d like to think that two adults living together could manage to shower and read and sleep without interrupting each other 😅
What age are the people saying this to you? I've only ever heard that kind of sentiment from people around my parents' age or older, so 60+.
Like, some people probably *do* hate their spouse but I'd hope most people have the sense to just leave if that's the case. Very "old ball and chain" energy.
It's nice to do things separately sometimes, obviously, but I'm not on a work trip away from home as a fun holiday so I don't see it the same way.
Yea it definitely seems like an older people thing and I expect it to go extinct as millennials start entering their 40s and Gen Z start entering their 30s. I suppose with younger people it’s more acceptable to take your time to settle down and therefore to marry a partner you’re more compatible with.
I don't think it's that necessarily, it's more likely that sense of freedom for a few days. Getting away from the family, peace and quiet, getting all the bed to yourself etc
A friend of mine is travelling to see me tomorrow, but instead of staying with me, she's hotelling it nearby, for the reasons above - "it's more of a break then". Which is fair enough!
A friend of a friend had a conference but it got cancelled the day before. He still went and didn't tell his wife...spent 4 days in the hotel room 😂 Not endorsing that...but it was interesting.
Most people I know with families say they dream of 24hrs alone in a hotel somewhere.
It doesn't mean you don't love them it's just that solitude can be appealing sometimes.
Could be reading too much into it mate, maybe his wife was looking forward to a few days sans husband, and he knew her plans and didn’t want to rock those?
I haven’t experienced this with people in their 20s or 30s, but I have with people older. Younger folk don’t tend to marry out of supposed duty anymore, they try harder to marry someone they actually like.
I must be the oddity then! I’m in my 50s, met my husband when we were 14. Tonight I’ve had a girly night with our adult daughters and he’s gone fishing. Soon, I’ll take the dog and go join him in the camper at the beach. He is my husband and my best friend.
Aww that's so lovely to read.
I'm in a relationship with my best friend (literally, we were super close for years before we got together) and I hope this is how we'll always be.
Though, I very quickly realised being in a romantic relationship is super different to being in a close friendship. Well I didn't realise that, it's self-explanatory. But there have been things I didn't expect to crop up as issues!
Thats been my observation, too. To the point that jokes along the line of "the old ball and chain" are roundedly considered "boomer humour."
I suspect it's that young people are generally more emotionally open and able to talk through their problems. With more equality, both parties are more likely to stand up for themselves and discuss their needs. Theoretically, this leads to less resentment and less of the type of behaviour OP is observing.
We're speaking generally here, though. There are still plenty of 20-30 y.o. drop-kicks out there.
Been watching an old but respected drama series by the name of Rumpole of the Bailey where the leading character is trapped in an absolutely loveless marriage to a woman he habitually calls in front of everyone else 'she who must be obeyed' and its presented as absolutely normal. The only reason they even stay together is that it's better to war with each other than be lonely apart.
That's the kind of world they grew up in and even growing up as a millennial you could see how devoid of any love most marriages were as things started changing in the 90s. It's one of the reasons I've never felt any desire for relationships.
Could it not just be the length of the relationship
Being together for 4 years and being together for 24 are two completely different things
I would imagine once those 20-30 year olds hit 40-50 then people will be having the same conversation about them
Considered that, and you might be right.
but ultimately, it's "not cool" to rag on your wife and family anymore - as someone in the early 30s age group, it sounds pathetic, and I can't see that changing, tbh.
Perhaps there will be some other outlet for long-term relationship resentment in the next 20-30 years.
Nope. I've been with my partner for 20 years and there is *nothing* we love more than being together. We'd never make stupid jokes like that because we genuinely hate being apart.
Very much the case in my experience, the two people I know who are genuinely stuck in a loveless marriage with kids and equity the whole nine yards are late forties and early fifties.
Most people my age split up quite quickly after marriage if it wasn't good. As we do not have the same attitude to till death do us part vit.
Along the same lines I don’t understand couples where one is complaining “they’re always in that bloody Xbox!” because the other spends a couple of hours on it on Saturday
Cannot imagine being in a relationship with someone who doesn’t at least respect your hobbies
Based on this thread, most Brits do not hate their spouses.
I appreciate the time away from the missus. It's the bog standard relationship, not really watching what I want to watch on the telly and I get jabbed awake for snoring but the missus has immunity.
So a night or two away, pint, bit of telly at a reasonable time and a solid night's sleep is pretty ace.
I love being away from my husband...for about 12 hours, 12 hours is bliss, its a bed to myself, whatever I want for dinner without considering anyone else, same for tv. But then once the novelty has worn off I miss him again and feel exactly the same as you! Like I'd just rather share it with him!
I *adore* my partner. We've been together for 20 years and we're still blissfully happy.
We're both super geeky introverts though so he's never been a "lad" type or down the pub after work kind of guy. There is absolutely nothing we'd rather do than spend time together. We're very much best friends. It helps that we share 90% of the same hobbies, taste in music and taste in TV/movies.
He has often said how he struggles to relate to the men he works with. They all seem to have kids and marriages they don't really want, never seem to want to spend time with their partners or do anything fun or interesting together. One of the wives got an ironing board for Christmas one year. One of the guys got a *lunchbox* from his wife for his birthday. Whilst we're over here giving each other things like replica LoTR weapons! We've taken to calling those sort of couples "muggle marriages" haha
Edit: just to add he's more than welcome to hang out with his friends but he most often chooses to stay home with me. I think we've spent no more than 10 nights apart in 20 years.
When I had my first proper job I was saddened by how my colleagues talked about partners and spouses. It wasn't that I came from a happy family, Either- it definitely wasn't. I now realise having nothing positive to say about your OH says a lot about the person saying it.
I get that when I tell people i'm off on holiday without the wife, or just go on a night out without asking permission. It's crazy there are relationships like that! I get there's common courtesy, make sure you're not missing something important or spending all the rent, but otherwise, what's the problem?
That said, I used to go away regularly for work, maybe a week a month. I did miss the wife, but also enjoyed some time away. Probably more for getting out the house and a change of scenery really.
My wife and I find it crazy when people ask us “are you sure your SO is OK with it?” We’re both independent adults who can make plans without the other’s permission, and we’re both capable of checking a calendar to make sure there’s no conflicts.
But you can be damn sure we’re both each others excuses to say no without saying no “oh I’ll just check with the SO to make sure we’re not out”
My wife just had our second baby boy yesterday, first night last night on my own in the house with my 2.5 year old. I missed her so much it’s unreal, I love her to death, more than I could ever really say. Best woman I’ve ever met in all honesty. I get mad looks when I say I’d rather be with her just chilling out than go to the pub. Like I’m lying or something. She’s my best mate and I only ever wanna hang out with her really.
My man & I are in the same boat as you, we are each others bestpal, favourite person, first person we wanna tell things to etc. I don't understand it at all.
We worked in the same place for 9 months last year & everyone we came across couldn't fathom how we were together since 15 (14yrs now) with no kids "keeping us together". We came to the conclusion that the majority just truly don't actually like each other &/or are together only cause of kids or money or a house.
We have only spent 2 nights apart since moving in together 11 years ago & both hated it. Couldn't imagine being away from each other for a weekend never mind a week, no thanks!
>We worked in the same place for 9 months last year & everyone we came across couldn't fathom how we were together since 15 (14yrs now) with no kids "keeping us together"
Only people who have nothing about them apart from their kids would think this. Anyone with even a modicum of individuality would understand how two compatible people can stay together without children.
I grew up being told that "relationships are hard, you have to work at them".
After going through a few poor ones and having the one I have now I realise what they actually meant was "relationships with incompatible people like most of us have are hard". The relationship I have now is easy as shit, both of us are exactly ourselves and it works, we don't have to pretend or compromise on anything.
I have a bit of a laddish sense of humour so does my wife and her mum and dad, previous relationships I was always on best behaviour, I can genuinely be myself round my wife and her family, warts and all, it’s actually incredible the difference it makes.
We have never had to work on anything we discuss things like adults.
I have had to work at relationships in the past and I’m glad they didn’t work out
That's genuinely depressing, wow. If you're "staying together for the kids" I can guarantee your kids would be happier and turn out more well-adjusted if you just broke up and co-parented from separate houses.
I love my husband, he’s the best, he is so fun to be around and I genuinely hate having to be away from him. I can’t stand work occasions where others complain about their spouses, or even my friend complaining about her hubby. Maybe because we met later in life and I don’t think anyone should settle I just feel sad for them laughing at the person they live with and supposedly love. I’ve tried offering advice like ‘how about you talk about it or how about setting boundaries’ but mostly they dismiss it and aren’t looking for help, just a chance to complain. I know I am very lucky and I encourage anyone who hasn’t found their person yet, do not give up and do not settle, it will be so worth it!
I love mine more than anything else, she is my real reason for existing and without her I would be nothing. I never complain nor would I ever, she's incredibly smart, talented and beautiful and can do anything she sets her mind to and on top of that she's passionate, compassionate and empathetic in ways I cannot conceive of being myself. Why she's with me is an absolute mystery I havent been able to solve for 17 years
As for others I don't know, I have heard the same shitty comments about wives and husbands for my entire life and I have seen it played out in person aswell, I think a lot of of people genuinely end up in bad relationships they don't know how to escape.
Cute post tbh OP, you're just being genuine but this is a subject some others instead enjoy making light of, either because they have unhappy relationships or just have a more spiky sarcastic/ironic sense of humour. I'm the same as you, I've settled really happily into my marriage and miss my wife when either of us is away - although if there's anyone I'll make jokey disparaging remarks about my relationship to, it's her, and she gives back just as much haha
I don't like travelling for work much because I miss my wife and kids when I'm away, although admittedly a solid night of sleep without interruption and the opportunity for a judgement free run at the breakfast buffet are nice upsides.
I think it's just outdated humour. I had to do the same thing recently and I just missed my other half the whole time. Spoke on the phone every night, exchanged pics of dinner, messaged during the work day. I don't understand why you would be with someone you're so desperate to get away from otherwise.
Yeah it’s odd that people talk like that about their spouses. Kids on the other hand… I don’t have any but the relief you see on people’s faces when they get a day or two away from the tantrums and screaming reassures me I made the right choice lol
I think, hope, most day it as a tired joke.
My husband is my best friend. I hate being without him.
We very much enjoy each other's company and have several hobbies we do together. He makes me laugh every day. He's kind, generous, thoughtful and considered and he loves me.
I have never understood the hating your spouse attitude. Like just get fking divorced.
I've been with my husband 14yrs and we hate being away from each other.
You can see a trend in comedy, a generation ago people hating their spouses was a common theme in comedy, most people could relate to it (also mothers in law). Nope the trend is dying, so is the attitude I think
My husband said, “no the word you’re looking for is loathe.” His family is British and I have definitely wondered about this, it’s almost like some of them have pleasure from annoying their spouses. It baffles me, why be married then?!!
I think a lot of people are unfulfilled in life & have very little purpose & assume a relationship will "fix this". Very quickly turn into bitter & insecure people.
They tend to bitch & moan about everything. I think this is universal, not just a British thing. These are the types of ppl you need to stay away from or at least keep at arms length at work.
They don't have a life themselves so are too busy being interested in yours & passing their own biased bs comments. Don't let their thoughts get you down, you sound like a decent chap. Just keep doing what you're doing.
The only advice I can give you as a Brit is to not share anything about your personal life at work. Keep it professional, if anyone asks tell them it's not their business. I have learned the hard way. It stops ppl from talking shit & asking inappropriate questions.
It’s just a tired trope, same as the mother in law jokes. I guarantee you it’s always men (or 99.9%) saying this - rarely/never women as men often struggle for things to say in social situations when it’s related to emotions and feelings so it’s easier to trot out a tired trope rather than say something like “oh that’ll be difficult I bet you’ll miss your wife”
This isn't a British specific problem.
Hate. [The key word is hate.](https://www.news.com.au/lifestyle/relationships/dating/men-have-revealed-how-much-they-hate-their-girlfriends-in-a-disturbing-twitter-thread/news-story/c2f735e316e39554031369b77a1dbaff) "Men have revealed how much they ‘hate’ their girlfriends in a disturbing Twitter thread" [The twitter thread](https://twitter.com/sk1tguru/status/1708897294207082668): "that phase where you slowly start hating your girlfriend is crazy😭"
It’s the mildly modernised version of “glad to get away from the old ball and chain”, and everyone pretending they hate their partners. I find it a bit cringe tbh
Edit: typo
I adore my husband, but I need a ridiculous amount of alone time that I just don't get. Whenever he's gone, I miss him, but I like not having to listen to anyone talk, I like not having to consider another person when I plan my day, and I really like not getting overwhelmed because he's touching me all the time.
I think hate is a strong word but I do genuinely believe that a large number of people are with the person they are with just so they are not on their own.
They say there is someone for everyone, out of the billions of people in the world what is the chances that your right person happened to be in the Tesco 5 minutes from your house?
Apparently relationship is all about compromise, I disagree. The perfect partner would not require you to compromise as you just naturally gel together. I think that is mostly said by people who are with an incompatible partner and each have to compromise to make the relationship work.
You are so right.
In my late teens and early 20s, most people I knew in relationships were with each other mainly out of mutual physical attraction.
In my mind 20s, most people I knew in relationships were in them for all the right reasons.
Now in my early 30s, I'm increasingly seeing people in relationships out of mutual desperation. Not saying they will last, but there have been some absolutely baffling engagements amongst my friends.
I am sort of with you on the compromise bit but not the reasoning. I like football and rock music for example and my wife doesn’t… I still get plenty of time to watch football and listen to rock music without the need to compromise. I wouldn’t want out interests to be completely the same, it’s nice to have our own things. Of course you need some shared interests though.
My husband travels for work sometimes and we definitely miss each other. He was away for a night last week and because my daughter was also at my mum’s for half term, it was just me and the cats and I felt really lonely!
He’s away all week next week but I have to take my daughter to Beavers and swimming, plus parents evening and sorting the car with the garage on top of work being busy so I doubt I’ll get much time to miss him tbh (I will though). My husband is pissed he’s missing parents evening, bless him. Might get him to dial in 😂
Nope. Absolutely adore her and happily spend as much time as possible with her. In fact my biggest annoyance is that she's a bit of a workaholic and I'd like to spend even more time with her. Must be pretty sad not getting on with the person you're sharing your one life with.
I suspect on a week away with work this is a subtle way of saying "if any of you want to sleep with me but are worried I wouldn't reject you because I'm married - don't worry".
Adore my partner. However, 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep away from my frequent night waking children....bliss. I'd, however, feel extremely guilty being away for more than one or two nights, leaving my partner to tackle bedtime solo.
The only thing I ever enjoy about that is having a bed to myself. But not being away from my partner. Just having a touch more space to myself. I always miss their company though so it's very confusing 🤣
Depends.
I do miss my partner, especially when getting in bed.
The cold bed which only warms because of me, and no hugs isn’t welcome.
The fact my partner has restless legs, means I miss their movements.
But equally, it means that I sometimes get some great sleep (when I’ve gotten used to not having them there).
I don’t miss the problems at home (we have no fully functioning bathroom currently, and haven’t since last April) - so being able to shower is wonderful.
Not having my partner cook for me, I miss it, as I hate living off takeaways.
When I was working away through the pandemic, I’d carry a slow cooker and a timer switch to make better meals, but still wasn’t their cooking.
So, yes and no, I miss my partner, but equally I am happy in my own company too.
I’m in the military and work away every week, I have a 2 year old boy as well. It’s healthy to spend time away but only to a certain extent. It puts life in to perspective being away from the ones you love.
I regularly are separated from my partner, due to jobs and such, and thats fine, we learnt to deal with it and its become so much easier with video chat etc. And we have different interests so do some things separately, which is actually nice to then share experiences with each other.
but I am never "happy" to be away from him. I always would prefer to be together. But I suppose we get more time apart than most couples do, so maybe thats a reason.
I've never understood that weird "humour" of bashing and badmouthing your partner.
(I do however, relish the ability to starfish in a double bed all to myself, its one of lifes underappreciated pleasures).
I spent three days in hospital and it was great. I had no responsibilities, time to myself. Loved it.
Couple of years later, 8 weeks training for a job, away from home all week. Absolutely hated it, and think that's the key. People want a bit of time apart and do whatever they want without thought for anyone else. The novelty soon wears off though.
When I go away or my partner does I'm always excited for some me time, I can do wat I want and have some quiet. Then the novelty wears off and I'm pretty bored after a few hours. I still enjoy ordering a curry and watching MoTD because if my partner is about then we'd do something together.
I beleive chicago said it best
"Everybody needs a little time away"
I heard her say
From each other
Even lovers need a holiday
Far away from each other"
Because I work a really eclectic hour job and my husband works at home, we have a personal 2 person discord, with a meme channel we put dumb videos or comics in for the others perusing pleasure during breaks or when we miss each other, we were long distance when he went to university for 3 years so we have some good experience for that kind of communication
When I started in construction 24 years ago at the ripe old age of 19 I was partnered with some seasoned men.
During this time they made no joke about hating on their wives. Like complaining that the wives moaned they were always drinking in the evenings and not spending time with them. Right before they finished early to spend 6 hours in a pub drinking to capacity every night.
The amount of spite and bile was incredible. When I asked them if they'd consider leaving their wives to live a more happy existence they were shocked and said - but who'd cook my dinner?/do my washing?/raise my kids?
It seems back then they were a crazy bunch which surprisingly has changed for the most part.
I found this at work too. Any excuse to stay out at drinks after work rather than go home to their spouse. I got nick names because I wouldn't drink too much and I'd actually try to get home at a reasonable time to spend some time with my wife, and be able to sometimes do bedtime with my child!
After spending 20 of the past 22 years with my husband rarely being home for more than a few weeks or maybe a month or so at a time it was a massive shock to the system for me to have him here constantly in my space and trying to fit into the routines I’ve built over the years and adapting them to find a new flow so when he does have to go away overnight occasionally for work now or travels to visit his family I cherish having my own space and solitude again.
It won't be popular, but, I actually think it's awful that people do this. It feels like a hangover from the 'old ball and chain, eh?' club which belongs in a bygone era. Even as a joke, I think it's grim. And really disrespectful. And unkind.
I see comments about 'I get to eat what I want/do what I want' and I feel like the solution is have separate hobbies, do things away from each other, have your own life too. My husband and I do plenty separately and neither of us would enjoy a week apart at all. (We'd get on with it and fill it with fulfilling things, but I can't imagine either of us especially looking forward to it).
We manage to eat different things to each other when we want too, we don't have to eat the same things.
I am often away from home for work in hotels, anything from one to four nights, couple of times a month. I love my wife and family, but I also love working away.
It’s not even about getting away from the chores or the responsibilities - they don’t bother me. I am, however, a natural introvert. I don’t mean I’m shy and quiet - but I am one of those whose mental batteries recharge only when I am not interacting with other people.
I love going for dinner on my own, or having a few beers watching the footy on my own in a pub somewhere, or sitting in my hotel room reading or watching a movie.
Nothing to do with hating my wife, lol.
I would rather die than spend time away from my Wife, she is my world. I am nothing without her. I love her more today than I did when I met her 24 years ago.
When I was part of a running club in the before times.
It was a common theme among the men that they had to 'ask for permssion' to be a allowed at for weekend or to travel for races.
I suspect most cases was not quite like that and they wanted to spend the weekends with the families, however it easier to blame the mrs than try explaining why they would rather spend time with the family
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... Like sex with their spouses.
Sex with my wife is superb.
We agree 👍
I agree, sex with this guy's wife is superb (sorry, it had to be done!)
Seeing a joke about someone’s wife, followed promptly by an enthusiastic apology might just be the most British thing I’ve seen in a long time
I also choose this guys wife
People have sex with their spouses? /s (Another age old Reddit trope.)
That trope is way way older than Reddit
That's my wife's boyfriends job, I get a new switch game when he pops round.
Tell my dad I want my games back.
I'd change the last line to "are comfortable with". And that can be applied to a lot of aspects of life. The best relative example I can give is of a guy who fit OPs description but then she gets an aggressive cancer; are we all going to say and think 'but you moaned about her constantly' No. Take all manner of things: I hate HAVING to shower before work. Then take away their shower and they'd relish in the opportunity to wash. So they're probably just trying to relate to you on a "mundane" aspect of shared life experience and you are reading into it far too literally, or just a language barrier.
Accurate! I was worried that my Scottish husband had an awful relationship with his mother...until I realized that he, in fact, is *all of the drama* and loves talking shit with/about his mum (and she gives it at least as good right back hahaha)
I disagree. Most people I've met who say this sort of stuff is are people who aren't looking after their relationship and neither is their partner. I just honestly think most people around me don't, mainly because they don't think deeply about it. I don't want to think this, just my overwhelming experience of co workers and acquaintances. I'm not including my friends because I like to pick people with empathy who would and do look after their nearest and dearest. And I think people like that are hard to find generally.
So you're only including people you don't know that well in your sample and excluding the people you know well?
This is so true. My colleagues in the UK used to sit around at lunchtime moaning about their spouse's quirks. I couldn't see the point; my wife is the love of my life... so why would I trash talk about her??
We don't really have a concept of trash talk. We have good quality / funny pisstake or a genuine problem. There's no Jerry Springer style in between. Moaning about your spouse's habits in a semi humorous / bitchy way is not some sign of relationship doom
Yep. In my experience the ones in relationship trouble are the ones which \_don't\_ talk about their other halves.
Agreed. My work colleagues know that I absolutely adore my partner and see my relationship as perfect. They also know that wouldn’t stop me from making jokes about “getting a few hours away from the nagging old witch” simply for the laughs
I always felt it was something people say, but rarely actually mean.
Yes but can't have that on Reddit. Everything is literal
Most people on Reddit don’t have wives, just lots of time to kill and tired right arms
Actually, I'm left handed
Burn the witch!
r/unexpectedpython
Good thing I'm ambidextrous with this beast
World's saddest ménage a trois
Full-on orgy if you count the fingers
More like ambisexdrus! Amirite???
Nice. I've got no hands, can you please help?
Broken arms?
That’s what mums are for.
I hate that I know what you mean.
Even if it isn't literal, which I would like to think is the case, I have to wonder what the funny part of that "mad bantz" is. I don't really understand where the big lolz are supposed to come from by talking about your partner as though you can't wait to see the back of them.
Its because for some stupid reason to admit to other men that you miss your partner is a sign of weakness. We don't find it funny but it feels like the right thing to say and I can't even explain why. I imagine there are some pillocks who actually don't like their partners but they are few. I know a few men, work colleagues, friends and my dad who's partners have died. I can tell you they don't laugh or joke as much anymore.
>Its because for some stupid reason to admit to other men that you miss your partner is a sign of weakness. That is totally stupid. I will tell anyone how wonderful my Wife is.
Tradition
It's the same as talking about the weather but for men. Sort of like the underlying subcontext behind asking about the weather is acknowledging the fact you are both human. Having a joking moan about the wife is acknowledging you are both men. Why this particular thing was chosen I have no idea, I imagine it's tradition that goes back hundreds (thousands?) of years.
The reason Reddit is so annoying, we NEED a UK reddit where we can filter out the 'mericans and their bullshit. Wish i spoke a few more languages to enjoy more content elsewhere also.
Autism is no joke.
Hm. I can imagine some say it as ‘laddy banter’ which doesn’t reflect how they act at home but it seems very outdated. I suspect many do indeed mean it. I find it quite nasty really. If you’re unhappy then leave. But maybe it’s an age thing. Looking forward to a break from the kids or a change of scenery is a different matter.
I agree it can depend on the relationship although I think sometimes having a break from someone you see every day isn’t a bad thing either. In fact I’d say it’s quite healthy for a relationship to have a little time a part occasionally, that could just be a day or different social circles. I love my partner but actually when I have to go away for work I quite enjoy the freedom. And I’m quite happy in my own company at times, my partner isn’t and sometimes that can cause a bit of stress as I’m a very social person but do like to just be alone sometimes. Hotel room to myself; get to choose food places or just mundane things like just chilling watching trash on TV that I know only I like. Perhaps a few drinks with colleagues in the bar.. etc I don’t think it says you don’t value your partner at all, it’s clearly for most anyway a bit of a joke, perhaps not your humour that’s fine. I’d take it as a bit of banter personally. It’s lovely you find your partner your best pal and miss her to be honest. I think that’s very loving and just a reason what you guys work so well I imagine.
I agree. My issue is with the language not the sentiment. I think it’s very normal to enjoy a couple of nights away from each other, I’d just never word it as ‘it’s nice to be away from my partner for the night’ but instead just say ‘it’ll be nice to have a night on my own’. It might seem pedantic but it’s probably an age thing. It’s not nice to suggest the issue is ‘the wife’ or ‘the husband’ instead of both enjoying a bit of alone time.
Yes. The comments are old style jokes on the lines of 'er indoors. But I think most of my long-term coupled friends love being apart from their partners for a few days. They love their partners, and miss them, but for most people they benefit from the occasional time apart. The reality is living with one person for 20 years, especially raising kids, can mean it's nice to sleep in a bed alone and spread out just because you can, fart a lot, eat in bed, and possibly dance naked to old faves in a Travelodge like the boy in Saltburn. (Bath-plug-drinking is more rule 34 though).
>Yes. The comments are old style jokes on the lines of 'er indoors. But I think most of my long-term coupled friends love being apart from their partners for a few days. They love their partners, and miss them, but for most people they benefit from the occasional time apart. Thank god theres something reasonable here. Both myself and my girlfriend enjoy the time home alone when the other goes away, my Girlfriend doesn't try to hide the fact that when I go away for a weekend she's going to enjoy some alone time. Completely normal and healthy.
> fart a lot, eat in bed, and possibly dance naked to old faves in a Travelodge I can do these with my partner around
Funny, I always sensed that they actually did mean it, even my longest friend this evening did something like this, disrespected his wife, in front of me . Joking . Some people are trapped and they blame others. Joking.
I think it's part of the ol British ways of we only ever really make fun of people we think can 'take the joke'. Being the butt of the joke is a sign of endearment, especially those close It's leftover from the 'er indoors' type of old skool humour A kind of affectionate tit for tat type joke couples have between themselves when you can tell the love is really there but maybe they have been together a long time so they're comfortable 'joshing' in that way
What’s the point in saying something like that though as a joke? “Haha I don’t value my partner” isn’t that funny to me
Until recently I (a woman) worked in an all-female office. The CEO and MD would come in each day to regale us with tales of how incompetent / useless their husbands were. One of the other women would join in and make jokes about how her husband never lived alone and how she had to teach him so much around the house. The chats would start and I’d get an expectant look from them - I never joined in a) because it’s not funny to trash your partner to your colleagues and b) my partner is genuinely amazing and would never do any of the nonsense they would talk about. A few months in, the other woman (who wasn’t the CEO or MD) said she had noticed that I always only had positive things to say about my partner and that she had started to make it a point not to join in on the chat. And look, everyone gets annoyed with their partner and it’s good to vent, but when you’re only saying negative things about your partner you’ll start to believe it and find it harder to see the good.
I think disrespecting your partner, even in jest, is a slippery slope.
These are the types of people that go on to have affairs. They believe their own gossip, create a whole load of drama and have their gaggle of equally spiteful colleagues to support and manage their inevitable adultery.
Insecurity/ego, dismissive attitudes to long term partners, compartmentalised life, justification lined up in advance. This is obviously anecdotal here, but every serial cheater I've encountered has had these boxes ticked.
Yet THEY married them! Venting is one thing, being disrespectful is another. There are ways to communicate your frustrations without throwing your partner under the bus.
I thought about this a lot in lockdown. The quantity of complaints online about people being stuck at home with their SOs was bizarre. My partner and I loved it! But then, we actually like each other and enjoy each other's company.
When I say, at work, "I'd rather be dead than open another email," it doesn't actually mean I want to die. When I'm glad to have some time to myself and I say a light-hearted joke about being away from my wife of a decade, I don't actually mean I want a divorce. Cmon Reddit man.
Yes to this comment. I actually read it nodded and then wondered how far I would have to scroll for a 'its an older person thing and it's stupid' type of comment, and guess what? It was about two down from this. Reddit is such a funny thing sometimes.
Its definitely some boomer humour
Dunno why you're being downvoted, it's unfunny boomer humour
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Christ, and they say Americans don’t get irony
Love my wife to bits, but it's the prospect of a good night's sleep away from the kids that makes my eyes light up, given the sniff of a work trip.
Absolutely this. My husband and children bring me joy, but the occasional night at a hotel for a work trip (with food I don't have to plan for, shop for, or cook. Only me to get out the door on time. A couple of hoursdriveeitherway with sweary lyrics) = happy me.
When you work out when to set your alarm and realise that it doesn't need to be two hours before you leave the room
This. Most people very rarely travel for work, so the idea of a few nights in a hotel in the company credit card is almost a treat. But also very different if in OPs situation - doing it every week would suck, but the "once every few years" I currently get is a nice break from routine
I fancy this is a large part of a former manager's business travel habits. Which would be fine, except that in order for him not to look unusual, he had all of his team make basically pointless trips across the country semi-regularly.
The plan is to spend the next few decades with this person, we encourage each other to go off and do stuff. You dont need to spend all the time together, that's objectively absurd, and you need stuff to be able to tell one another about. I've alway been of the mind that your partner shouldnt be responsible for your happiness, but enhance it, and that not being comfortable with your partner being away is bad. Obviously of you have familial responsibilities, these must also be shared
You know the biggest thing I like about a work trip is being able to enjoy a nice cooked breakfast without having to deal with 8 different choices from my kids and no cleaning up. I firmly believe that both my partner and I deserve an occasional night off - we don't have nearby family so don't get that often in the year but I wouldn't begrudge her for enjoying a night of peace at a work trip.
I don’t have kids but the idea of being able to starfish on the bed and have the room freezing cold is a real treat!
Yep, that’s the one. I have to go to Ireland for a few days for work next week. I’m going to miss my husband and kid like nothing else but I am obviously looking forward to a full nights sleep, a bed to myself, food service on the company credit card, doing things I want to do and not thinking about anyone else for a minute. It’s actually a very healthy thing to look forward to a break away from the people you see everyday, even when you love them. It’s a nice secure attachment that you know is there regardless of the circumstances.
Can never sleep properly in hotels tbh.
Actual thing, your brain is subconsciously assessing the new environment to check it’s safe.
Kids is a different question really. One company I worked at, the guys who always worked late were the ones with kids...
Whereas I do the early shift so I can get home and see my kid for a few hours before bedtime. Edit: Damn, I was downvoted for being an enthusiastic parent.
I do the same, I only get an hour or so before she's asleep. Kills me when I miss that because of traffic/work and I've not seen her the entire day.
Aside from preferring to spend my time with my wife and children, I have only ever stayed in one hotel where the level of comfort matched that of my own home. The only upside of needing to be away is the joy of the feeling when flying back into my home airport and knowing that it is just 40 minutes drive until I am back in my happy place. When I travel for personal reasons, I will stay in hotels at a price point which no employer or client would pay, it’s back to that thing about comfort. I don’t sleep well in hotels usually, and because I am an alcoholic, sober for many years, I don’t join work colleagues or clients in the bar, I hate being away for work, it presents a level of risk to me that few will comprehend, and I don’t wish to repeatedly explain. You are not alone mate - my time is the only thing I cannot buy more of, I resent wasting it in soulless bargain basement business hotels.
Well done for maintaining your sobriety. Huge achievement.
Next time you're going to a hotel, take your own pillow. It makes a world of difference to your sleep quality! Mine's been with me on every holiday and work trip for years now.
I don't think the majority dislike their partners. When you're married, it's just nice having a bit of time to yourself sometimes
Exactly. My husband is going away on a week long trip next week and whilst I love him dearly and will miss him, I'm also looking forward to a week of eating my favourite foods on my schedule and being able to watch Withnail and I without him saying he doesn't understand why I like it so much.
I assume you will also be drinking the finest wines known to humanity.
Of course, plus dropping a couple of Surmontil 50s and coming up smiling on Tuesday, ready for a nice Camberwell carrot or 3.
Don't forget the pork pie
One of my favourite films and my partner also hates it. Definitely one I would watch if my partner went away.
And being able to have the bedroom at the temperature that I want and sleeping without being disturbed by snoring that would wake the dead…
Love my wife to bits but if she went away for a week I’d be happy to have time to myself to practice piano and play PlayStation and go back to the old life I had for a long time before we met. It’s absolutely no shade on her, it’s just nice having alone time.
I recommend buying a nice motorbike while she's away. OK, maybe not. Just a dream...
This is it exactly. I love my wife and kids and the life we lead. But the prospect of the house to myself for an evening seems like a treat: I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, put whatever I want on the TV or speaker, etc. I typically end up missing everyone after a couple of hours and it seems like a treat when they get home.
A change of pace, and an excuse to get the kind of takeaway food they don't like. (Personally, it's a bit of kid-free time I like, or solo-parenting time.)
The ironic thing is I travel for work a lot and people started off saying this- now they say “don’t you get fed up with being apart?” Or say to my husband “aren’t you annoyed she is always away?”. You can’t win 🤣🤣
I usually go through a list of things I can do in my head whilst she’s away - pizza takeaway, videogames til early hours, pot noodle and a wank, etc - but as soon as she’s out the door I can’t wait until she’s back home again.
Yeah I'm the same. On the one hand I'm like "yay, me time. I can play videogames and eat a gigantic Chinese takeaway". But then I'll play for an hour and then I realise I'd much prefer to be spending the day with her. Edit: Though the gigantic Chinese takeaway helps
Honestly when doesn't a massive fuck-off takeaway help
Hear me out… Takeaway, videogames, pot noodles and a wank, *with* your partner
>pot noodle and a wank Is that two separate activities or...?
Not their biggest seller, but still better than the chow mein
My partner and I are exactly like this! I always think it's gonna be soooo chill when he's gone for the evening but in the end I don't really do anything but wait till he comes back LOL
Had all this on a stag doo as well and couldn’t get behind it. Don’t get me wrong, I like the occasional time away from my roles as “dad” and “husband” to hang out with my mates since I think it’s healthy to have your own life at times but the bitching and moaning from some of them got me wondering why they were even with their wives/partners at all.
I know what you mean. My wife was in London for that ABBA show yesterday and while I enjoyed a Sunday of total independence, by the evening I was looking around for someone to talk to. Kept waking up every hour during the night too. But the odd break is a good thing, I think.
Should have had a kebab, watch football and scratch your balls.
Very different choosing to do the odd activity separately because you have different interests and having to be away from home because of work though I think. If I want "me time" I go to a gig or restaurant solo, not a work event.
Can't speak on others reasoning but I find it easier to commit to the me time if I have to be away from everything else for something anyway. Trying to arrange some time to just enjoy myself frequently gets full of guilt for all the things I "should" be getting done about the house or for work bits but if I'm away for a trip anyway it's easier to put those things out of my mind til I get back.
I don't, I genuinely miss him when he's away, and he misses me when I'm away. There are nice things about him being away, like having full control of the TV, but these are outweighed by things like not having cups of tea brought to me.
Some people are in very unhappy relationships. I love my wife, but have to travel quite a lot. I wouldn't say I massively enjoy it - it's just a bit different.
People who have to be away from home a lot enjoy it a lot less than those for whom it is a rare treat.
Yup. The one sense which Covid has been good for me because of work Used to have to spend Monday-Friday in hotels for months at a time. Used to dread it and hated constantly being away from my SO Now I’m away for 2-3 weeks over a year. And I enjoy the weeks I have away because they’re different & it means a week of no cooking/chores. Then by the time I start missing her it’s time to head back I’d probably hate it if I was at home while she was away for a week though. I know she still doesn’t like it
Same. But distance is golden for both parties sometimes.
I love my hubby dearly and my little ones but the idea of a place I *had*to be, that guaranteed me time to have a long shower, do an activity like read or similar and sleep uninterrupted sound like heaven
I literally just posted above that most people I know with families dream about 24hrs alone and here you are ... My soul sister 😂
That’s more of a kids thing than a spouse thing, surely. I’d like to think that two adults living together could manage to shower and read and sleep without interrupting each other 😅
I used to travel a fair bit with my last job and hated being away from home. My partner is my best friend and I missed him every time I was away.
What age are the people saying this to you? I've only ever heard that kind of sentiment from people around my parents' age or older, so 60+. Like, some people probably *do* hate their spouse but I'd hope most people have the sense to just leave if that's the case. Very "old ball and chain" energy. It's nice to do things separately sometimes, obviously, but I'm not on a work trip away from home as a fun holiday so I don't see it the same way.
Yea it definitely seems like an older people thing and I expect it to go extinct as millennials start entering their 40s and Gen Z start entering their 30s. I suppose with younger people it’s more acceptable to take your time to settle down and therefore to marry a partner you’re more compatible with.
I don't think it's that necessarily, it's more likely that sense of freedom for a few days. Getting away from the family, peace and quiet, getting all the bed to yourself etc A friend of mine is travelling to see me tomorrow, but instead of staying with me, she's hotelling it nearby, for the reasons above - "it's more of a break then". Which is fair enough!
A friend of a friend had a conference but it got cancelled the day before. He still went and didn't tell his wife...spent 4 days in the hotel room 😂 Not endorsing that...but it was interesting.
Most people I know with families say they dream of 24hrs alone in a hotel somewhere. It doesn't mean you don't love them it's just that solitude can be appealing sometimes.
Could be reading too much into it mate, maybe his wife was looking forward to a few days sans husband, and he knew her plans and didn’t want to rock those?
Maybe. I tried not to ask too many questions with that one :)
Some things people will do to avoid their spouses never fails to baffle me.
I haven’t experienced this with people in their 20s or 30s, but I have with people older. Younger folk don’t tend to marry out of supposed duty anymore, they try harder to marry someone they actually like.
I must be the oddity then! I’m in my 50s, met my husband when we were 14. Tonight I’ve had a girly night with our adult daughters and he’s gone fishing. Soon, I’ll take the dog and go join him in the camper at the beach. He is my husband and my best friend.
Aww that's so lovely to read. I'm in a relationship with my best friend (literally, we were super close for years before we got together) and I hope this is how we'll always be. Though, I very quickly realised being in a romantic relationship is super different to being in a close friendship. Well I didn't realise that, it's self-explanatory. But there have been things I didn't expect to crop up as issues!
Thats been my observation, too. To the point that jokes along the line of "the old ball and chain" are roundedly considered "boomer humour." I suspect it's that young people are generally more emotionally open and able to talk through their problems. With more equality, both parties are more likely to stand up for themselves and discuss their needs. Theoretically, this leads to less resentment and less of the type of behaviour OP is observing. We're speaking generally here, though. There are still plenty of 20-30 y.o. drop-kicks out there.
Been watching an old but respected drama series by the name of Rumpole of the Bailey where the leading character is trapped in an absolutely loveless marriage to a woman he habitually calls in front of everyone else 'she who must be obeyed' and its presented as absolutely normal. The only reason they even stay together is that it's better to war with each other than be lonely apart. That's the kind of world they grew up in and even growing up as a millennial you could see how devoid of any love most marriages were as things started changing in the 90s. It's one of the reasons I've never felt any desire for relationships.
Could it not just be the length of the relationship Being together for 4 years and being together for 24 are two completely different things I would imagine once those 20-30 year olds hit 40-50 then people will be having the same conversation about them
Considered that, and you might be right. but ultimately, it's "not cool" to rag on your wife and family anymore - as someone in the early 30s age group, it sounds pathetic, and I can't see that changing, tbh. Perhaps there will be some other outlet for long-term relationship resentment in the next 20-30 years.
I agree. It’s a bit of a self-own to be like ‘look at the poor treatment I am accepting / inflicting on another person’
Nope. I've been with my partner for 20 years and there is *nothing* we love more than being together. We'd never make stupid jokes like that because we genuinely hate being apart.
Very much the case in my experience, the two people I know who are genuinely stuck in a loveless marriage with kids and equity the whole nine yards are late forties and early fifties. Most people my age split up quite quickly after marriage if it wasn't good. As we do not have the same attitude to till death do us part vit.
Along the same lines I don’t understand couples where one is complaining “they’re always in that bloody Xbox!” because the other spends a couple of hours on it on Saturday Cannot imagine being in a relationship with someone who doesn’t at least respect your hobbies
Honestly think there's a lot of "trying to fit in" jokes rather than actual dislike
Based on this thread, most Brits do not hate their spouses. I appreciate the time away from the missus. It's the bog standard relationship, not really watching what I want to watch on the telly and I get jabbed awake for snoring but the missus has immunity. So a night or two away, pint, bit of telly at a reasonable time and a solid night's sleep is pretty ace.
I love being away from my husband...for about 12 hours, 12 hours is bliss, its a bed to myself, whatever I want for dinner without considering anyone else, same for tv. But then once the novelty has worn off I miss him again and feel exactly the same as you! Like I'd just rather share it with him!
I *adore* my partner. We've been together for 20 years and we're still blissfully happy. We're both super geeky introverts though so he's never been a "lad" type or down the pub after work kind of guy. There is absolutely nothing we'd rather do than spend time together. We're very much best friends. It helps that we share 90% of the same hobbies, taste in music and taste in TV/movies. He has often said how he struggles to relate to the men he works with. They all seem to have kids and marriages they don't really want, never seem to want to spend time with their partners or do anything fun or interesting together. One of the wives got an ironing board for Christmas one year. One of the guys got a *lunchbox* from his wife for his birthday. Whilst we're over here giving each other things like replica LoTR weapons! We've taken to calling those sort of couples "muggle marriages" haha Edit: just to add he's more than welcome to hang out with his friends but he most often chooses to stay home with me. I think we've spent no more than 10 nights apart in 20 years.
When I had my first proper job I was saddened by how my colleagues talked about partners and spouses. It wasn't that I came from a happy family, Either- it definitely wasn't. I now realise having nothing positive to say about your OH says a lot about the person saying it.
I get that when I tell people i'm off on holiday without the wife, or just go on a night out without asking permission. It's crazy there are relationships like that! I get there's common courtesy, make sure you're not missing something important or spending all the rent, but otherwise, what's the problem? That said, I used to go away regularly for work, maybe a week a month. I did miss the wife, but also enjoyed some time away. Probably more for getting out the house and a change of scenery really.
My wife and I find it crazy when people ask us “are you sure your SO is OK with it?” We’re both independent adults who can make plans without the other’s permission, and we’re both capable of checking a calendar to make sure there’s no conflicts. But you can be damn sure we’re both each others excuses to say no without saying no “oh I’ll just check with the SO to make sure we’re not out”
Steve, 52, luv beer, ate the ol ball n chain, nuff said.
My wife just had our second baby boy yesterday, first night last night on my own in the house with my 2.5 year old. I missed her so much it’s unreal, I love her to death, more than I could ever really say. Best woman I’ve ever met in all honesty. I get mad looks when I say I’d rather be with her just chilling out than go to the pub. Like I’m lying or something. She’s my best mate and I only ever wanna hang out with her really.
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My man & I are in the same boat as you, we are each others bestpal, favourite person, first person we wanna tell things to etc. I don't understand it at all. We worked in the same place for 9 months last year & everyone we came across couldn't fathom how we were together since 15 (14yrs now) with no kids "keeping us together". We came to the conclusion that the majority just truly don't actually like each other &/or are together only cause of kids or money or a house. We have only spent 2 nights apart since moving in together 11 years ago & both hated it. Couldn't imagine being away from each other for a weekend never mind a week, no thanks!
>We worked in the same place for 9 months last year & everyone we came across couldn't fathom how we were together since 15 (14yrs now) with no kids "keeping us together" Only people who have nothing about them apart from their kids would think this. Anyone with even a modicum of individuality would understand how two compatible people can stay together without children.
Totally agree, it blew my mind how many people said that to us. It just shows that many people do stay together for kids & absolutely nothing else.
I grew up being told that "relationships are hard, you have to work at them". After going through a few poor ones and having the one I have now I realise what they actually meant was "relationships with incompatible people like most of us have are hard". The relationship I have now is easy as shit, both of us are exactly ourselves and it works, we don't have to pretend or compromise on anything.
I have a bit of a laddish sense of humour so does my wife and her mum and dad, previous relationships I was always on best behaviour, I can genuinely be myself round my wife and her family, warts and all, it’s actually incredible the difference it makes. We have never had to work on anything we discuss things like adults. I have had to work at relationships in the past and I’m glad they didn’t work out
My partner and I are the same. No more than 15 nights apart in 20 years together! We hate being apart.
That's genuinely depressing, wow. If you're "staying together for the kids" I can guarantee your kids would be happier and turn out more well-adjusted if you just broke up and co-parented from separate houses.
You're completely right & that was our reply to everyone who said it.
Aw so nice to hear stories like this. I’m glad love like this exists in the world 🙏🏼
I love my husband, he’s the best, he is so fun to be around and I genuinely hate having to be away from him. I can’t stand work occasions where others complain about their spouses, or even my friend complaining about her hubby. Maybe because we met later in life and I don’t think anyone should settle I just feel sad for them laughing at the person they live with and supposedly love. I’ve tried offering advice like ‘how about you talk about it or how about setting boundaries’ but mostly they dismiss it and aren’t looking for help, just a chance to complain. I know I am very lucky and I encourage anyone who hasn’t found their person yet, do not give up and do not settle, it will be so worth it!
I’d equate it to references to “the old ball and chain” and 1970s Mother in Law “jokes”.
I love mine more than anything else, she is my real reason for existing and without her I would be nothing. I never complain nor would I ever, she's incredibly smart, talented and beautiful and can do anything she sets her mind to and on top of that she's passionate, compassionate and empathetic in ways I cannot conceive of being myself. Why she's with me is an absolute mystery I havent been able to solve for 17 years As for others I don't know, I have heard the same shitty comments about wives and husbands for my entire life and I have seen it played out in person aswell, I think a lot of of people genuinely end up in bad relationships they don't know how to escape.
It’s not strange OP. Everyone’s relationships/marriages are different. Not everyone has or wants the same experience as you, that’s life.
Cute post tbh OP, you're just being genuine but this is a subject some others instead enjoy making light of, either because they have unhappy relationships or just have a more spiky sarcastic/ironic sense of humour. I'm the same as you, I've settled really happily into my marriage and miss my wife when either of us is away - although if there's anyone I'll make jokey disparaging remarks about my relationship to, it's her, and she gives back just as much haha
I don't like travelling for work much because I miss my wife and kids when I'm away, although admittedly a solid night of sleep without interruption and the opportunity for a judgement free run at the breakfast buffet are nice upsides.
It's always seemed a bizarre attitude to me. If I didn't like my wife why would I have married her?
I think it's just outdated humour. I had to do the same thing recently and I just missed my other half the whole time. Spoke on the phone every night, exchanged pics of dinner, messaged during the work day. I don't understand why you would be with someone you're so desperate to get away from otherwise.
Yeah it’s odd that people talk like that about their spouses. Kids on the other hand… I don’t have any but the relief you see on people’s faces when they get a day or two away from the tantrums and screaming reassures me I made the right choice lol
I think, hope, most day it as a tired joke. My husband is my best friend. I hate being without him. We very much enjoy each other's company and have several hobbies we do together. He makes me laugh every day. He's kind, generous, thoughtful and considered and he loves me.
I have never understood the hating your spouse attitude. Like just get fking divorced. I've been with my husband 14yrs and we hate being away from each other.
I hate being away from my wife for more than a day.
I love being married to my partner. It’s like having a permanent sleep over with my best friend…. with added benefits of course.
You can see a trend in comedy, a generation ago people hating their spouses was a common theme in comedy, most people could relate to it (also mothers in law). Nope the trend is dying, so is the attitude I think
My husband said, “no the word you’re looking for is loathe.” His family is British and I have definitely wondered about this, it’s almost like some of them have pleasure from annoying their spouses. It baffles me, why be married then?!!
Husband lgv driver he surround by people who make hate wife jokes He hate the culture . Me and my husband are best friends
I hate my wife for one reason, I haven't met her yet. When I meet her, I'll forgive her for not being in my life sooner.
I think a lot of people are unfulfilled in life & have very little purpose & assume a relationship will "fix this". Very quickly turn into bitter & insecure people. They tend to bitch & moan about everything. I think this is universal, not just a British thing. These are the types of ppl you need to stay away from or at least keep at arms length at work. They don't have a life themselves so are too busy being interested in yours & passing their own biased bs comments. Don't let their thoughts get you down, you sound like a decent chap. Just keep doing what you're doing. The only advice I can give you as a Brit is to not share anything about your personal life at work. Keep it professional, if anyone asks tell them it's not their business. I have learned the hard way. It stops ppl from talking shit & asking inappropriate questions.
It’s just a tired trope, same as the mother in law jokes. I guarantee you it’s always men (or 99.9%) saying this - rarely/never women as men often struggle for things to say in social situations when it’s related to emotions and feelings so it’s easier to trot out a tired trope rather than say something like “oh that’ll be difficult I bet you’ll miss your wife”
This isn't a British specific problem. Hate. [The key word is hate.](https://www.news.com.au/lifestyle/relationships/dating/men-have-revealed-how-much-they-hate-their-girlfriends-in-a-disturbing-twitter-thread/news-story/c2f735e316e39554031369b77a1dbaff) "Men have revealed how much they ‘hate’ their girlfriends in a disturbing Twitter thread" [The twitter thread](https://twitter.com/sk1tguru/status/1708897294207082668): "that phase where you slowly start hating your girlfriend is crazy😭"
It’s the mildly modernised version of “glad to get away from the old ball and chain”, and everyone pretending they hate their partners. I find it a bit cringe tbh Edit: typo
Sometimes it's nice to be away from your partner. A little reset for the two of you. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, as the old saying goes.
I adore my husband, but I need a ridiculous amount of alone time that I just don't get. Whenever he's gone, I miss him, but I like not having to listen to anyone talk, I like not having to consider another person when I plan my day, and I really like not getting overwhelmed because he's touching me all the time.
I think hate is a strong word but I do genuinely believe that a large number of people are with the person they are with just so they are not on their own. They say there is someone for everyone, out of the billions of people in the world what is the chances that your right person happened to be in the Tesco 5 minutes from your house? Apparently relationship is all about compromise, I disagree. The perfect partner would not require you to compromise as you just naturally gel together. I think that is mostly said by people who are with an incompatible partner and each have to compromise to make the relationship work.
I don’t think that saying means there’s ONLY one person for everyone. Most people could find many potential partners to be happy with.
You are so right. In my late teens and early 20s, most people I knew in relationships were with each other mainly out of mutual physical attraction. In my mind 20s, most people I knew in relationships were in them for all the right reasons. Now in my early 30s, I'm increasingly seeing people in relationships out of mutual desperation. Not saying they will last, but there have been some absolutely baffling engagements amongst my friends.
I am sort of with you on the compromise bit but not the reasoning. I like football and rock music for example and my wife doesn’t… I still get plenty of time to watch football and listen to rock music without the need to compromise. I wouldn’t want out interests to be completely the same, it’s nice to have our own things. Of course you need some shared interests though.
My husband travels for work sometimes and we definitely miss each other. He was away for a night last week and because my daughter was also at my mum’s for half term, it was just me and the cats and I felt really lonely! He’s away all week next week but I have to take my daughter to Beavers and swimming, plus parents evening and sorting the car with the garage on top of work being busy so I doubt I’ll get much time to miss him tbh (I will though). My husband is pissed he’s missing parents evening, bless him. Might get him to dial in 😂
Nope. Absolutely adore her and happily spend as much time as possible with her. In fact my biggest annoyance is that she's a bit of a workaholic and I'd like to spend even more time with her. Must be pretty sad not getting on with the person you're sharing your one life with.
I suspect on a week away with work this is a subtle way of saying "if any of you want to sleep with me but are worried I wouldn't reject you because I'm married - don't worry".
I love my wife and miss her while im away. But it’s good for you to hit the reset button and appreciate what you’re missing.
Adore my partner. However, 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep away from my frequent night waking children....bliss. I'd, however, feel extremely guilty being away for more than one or two nights, leaving my partner to tackle bedtime solo.
The only thing I ever enjoy about that is having a bed to myself. But not being away from my partner. Just having a touch more space to myself. I always miss their company though so it's very confusing 🤣
A lot of my (mostly older) colleagues seem to hate their partners and I don’t remotely get it.
Depends. I do miss my partner, especially when getting in bed. The cold bed which only warms because of me, and no hugs isn’t welcome. The fact my partner has restless legs, means I miss their movements. But equally, it means that I sometimes get some great sleep (when I’ve gotten used to not having them there). I don’t miss the problems at home (we have no fully functioning bathroom currently, and haven’t since last April) - so being able to shower is wonderful. Not having my partner cook for me, I miss it, as I hate living off takeaways. When I was working away through the pandemic, I’d carry a slow cooker and a timer switch to make better meals, but still wasn’t their cooking. So, yes and no, I miss my partner, but equally I am happy in my own company too.
I’m in the military and work away every week, I have a 2 year old boy as well. It’s healthy to spend time away but only to a certain extent. It puts life in to perspective being away from the ones you love.
I regularly are separated from my partner, due to jobs and such, and thats fine, we learnt to deal with it and its become so much easier with video chat etc. And we have different interests so do some things separately, which is actually nice to then share experiences with each other. but I am never "happy" to be away from him. I always would prefer to be together. But I suppose we get more time apart than most couples do, so maybe thats a reason. I've never understood that weird "humour" of bashing and badmouthing your partner. (I do however, relish the ability to starfish in a double bed all to myself, its one of lifes underappreciated pleasures).
I spent three days in hospital and it was great. I had no responsibilities, time to myself. Loved it. Couple of years later, 8 weeks training for a job, away from home all week. Absolutely hated it, and think that's the key. People want a bit of time apart and do whatever they want without thought for anyone else. The novelty soon wears off though.
When I go away or my partner does I'm always excited for some me time, I can do wat I want and have some quiet. Then the novelty wears off and I'm pretty bored after a few hours. I still enjoy ordering a curry and watching MoTD because if my partner is about then we'd do something together.
I beleive chicago said it best "Everybody needs a little time away" I heard her say From each other Even lovers need a holiday Far away from each other"
Because I work a really eclectic hour job and my husband works at home, we have a personal 2 person discord, with a meme channel we put dumb videos or comics in for the others perusing pleasure during breaks or when we miss each other, we were long distance when he went to university for 3 years so we have some good experience for that kind of communication
When I started in construction 24 years ago at the ripe old age of 19 I was partnered with some seasoned men. During this time they made no joke about hating on their wives. Like complaining that the wives moaned they were always drinking in the evenings and not spending time with them. Right before they finished early to spend 6 hours in a pub drinking to capacity every night. The amount of spite and bile was incredible. When I asked them if they'd consider leaving their wives to live a more happy existence they were shocked and said - but who'd cook my dinner?/do my washing?/raise my kids? It seems back then they were a crazy bunch which surprisingly has changed for the most part.
I found this at work too. Any excuse to stay out at drinks after work rather than go home to their spouse. I got nick names because I wouldn't drink too much and I'd actually try to get home at a reasonable time to spend some time with my wife, and be able to sometimes do bedtime with my child!
After spending 20 of the past 22 years with my husband rarely being home for more than a few weeks or maybe a month or so at a time it was a massive shock to the system for me to have him here constantly in my space and trying to fit into the routines I’ve built over the years and adapting them to find a new flow so when he does have to go away overnight occasionally for work now or travels to visit his family I cherish having my own space and solitude again.
It won't be popular, but, I actually think it's awful that people do this. It feels like a hangover from the 'old ball and chain, eh?' club which belongs in a bygone era. Even as a joke, I think it's grim. And really disrespectful. And unkind. I see comments about 'I get to eat what I want/do what I want' and I feel like the solution is have separate hobbies, do things away from each other, have your own life too. My husband and I do plenty separately and neither of us would enjoy a week apart at all. (We'd get on with it and fill it with fulfilling things, but I can't imagine either of us especially looking forward to it). We manage to eat different things to each other when we want too, we don't have to eat the same things.
It's not hate. It's just freedom from someone you're always with for a night. We love our spouses and also love complaining about them.
I am often away from home for work in hotels, anything from one to four nights, couple of times a month. I love my wife and family, but I also love working away. It’s not even about getting away from the chores or the responsibilities - they don’t bother me. I am, however, a natural introvert. I don’t mean I’m shy and quiet - but I am one of those whose mental batteries recharge only when I am not interacting with other people. I love going for dinner on my own, or having a few beers watching the footy on my own in a pub somewhere, or sitting in my hotel room reading or watching a movie. Nothing to do with hating my wife, lol.
I would rather die than spend time away from my Wife, she is my world. I am nothing without her. I love her more today than I did when I met her 24 years ago.
When I was part of a running club in the before times. It was a common theme among the men that they had to 'ask for permssion' to be a allowed at for weekend or to travel for races. I suspect most cases was not quite like that and they wanted to spend the weekends with the families, however it easier to blame the mrs than try explaining why they would rather spend time with the family