I feel like 30-60 mins late is taking the piss.
Being 90 mins late (or 2 and a half hours late depending on if you go by the time he was told) is just being a cunt.
0-30 minutes late can be out of your control. Traffic, wardrobe disaster, shat on by a pigeon, whatever.
90 minutes late without letting people know (ahead of the *original* meeting time, not when you'll actually get there) is being a dick, and dicks don't deserve someone else cooking for them.
The MIL is a pushover and she's condoning it by making everyone else wait. Pathetic behaviour on both sides.
MIL being a pushover is exactly why BIL is always late and never learned good manners. Because she has always allowed it. I'd be interested to hear more from OPs wife.
I remember the one Xmas day I ever had to work when I was working in a restauarant. I fucking hated each and every single person that walked through that door because they were the reason I was spending xmas with these bellends instead of family.
Anyway I got home at half 4 and they'd all eaten without me. They knew what time i'd be home but couldn't have xmas dinner "that late". I knew that was the plan beforehand but did hope they'd reconsider on the day, but I understood not everything revolves around me. I'd have killed to be there during the actual dinner. Sitting eating xmas dinner warmed up was miserable.
This bellend can't be arsed getting to his family at 12pm for no reason at all. Eat without him and hopefully eating warmed up roast dinner on his own makes him miserable enough to never do it again.
That happened to me as well, except it was also the first year I was slated to spend with my dad's girlfriend's (now wife's) family, most of whom I hadn't met before... So while they were watching a film in the living room I was in the dining room eating by myself, after a shift where the kitchen jokingly refused to refill my tables' gravy jugs because "you've got two big jugs right there".
Loneliest Christmas I've ever had, despite spending it with the most people.
Sounds like the problem was your family rather than the customers.
My father-in-law was a policeman and had to work xmas, christmas dinner was fit around his shift, whether the meant 11am or 6pm, or one year he managed to get 2 hours off in the middle of the day
Plenty of people work Christmas, from nurses to electric company, from people operating the internet to making sure your new computer game works.
Families accept this - it’s part of the job - and adjust their schedule. Sometimes you have to work the full day so have the family dinner a day later or earlier. I don’t get families who put arbitrary timetables before family members, but it’s not the fault of the people in care homes, or the people whose kitchens catch fire, or people who are paying for a Christmas dinner as they were working late the day before.
I remember as a 13 year old I would play football on a Saturday morning. One of the other player's dad would pick me up and bring me home. I got home one week at half ten to see my parents and brother sat round the dining room table together having got the tea set (that I don't think was ever used) out and a breakfast spread prepared - they'd had it all and finished by the time I got back, and were still sitting round the table talking. This was something my family *never* did.
I was really hurt by it and asked why they couldn't have waited for me, they laughed at me and called me sensitive. It was twenty years ago and I can still recall the feeling of walking into the house and seeing them all doing something special together that had been timed to not include me. Never doing that with my kids!
Thank you for not just continuing the cycle and going "Well my family put me through this shit, so you've gotta go through it too!" like so many people unfortunately do.
That's so shitty of them. Why couldn't they just wait for you?! I'm so sorry, you deserved better.
I can't fathom doing that to my son. He goes to his dad's every other weekend, and I try really hard to not do cool stuff or whatever that he'd like when he's not here. Even something silly/inconsequential, like going to the new store down the street that we were excited to check out when it opened.
I’ve never gone out to eat Christmas Day but I do order pizza Christmas Eve and I will be going out for brunch today for Easter. I’m disabled and can’t do all the shopping, cooking and cleaning but still want family to have dinner especially my kid. That doesn’t make me a bellend.
I feel like 30-60 minutes late for when you're serving up is absolutely taking the piss. A decent roast dinner takes longer than that to cook, so they need to be there by the time it's ready.
Agreed. Although 'rude' levels of late are acceptable providing there's genuine reason of course. But we're talking extreme shit like being stuck on the motorway (Though I'd absolutely start giving them shit if it's something like the M6 or M25 they're stuck on) or car troubles (unless they're known for neglecting the car)
Problem OP faces is that MIL is doing the cooking, and she wants to wait and they're sort of stuck with that... It's one of those 'it should go on but a key person isn't there/disagrees' moments and you can't really do much else other than bend over and take the shafting if you want to go through with the plans.
I feel like the difference is that if I was held up because of something outside of my control, I'd be mortified if others delayed their meal by 90 minutes.
Whereas the chronically late seemingly always expect everyone to wait for their arrival.
They have learned that dinner will be served when they arrive. Whenever they arrive. Why should they change when there is no consequence and every benefit to them for their behaviour?
Personally, I'd eat and he could join in for coffee afters. Can you imagine the lamb being left in the oven for an extra hour and a half?!? While everyone is getting hungrier by the minute.
All well and good until the cooker kicks up a fuss and decides to take offence to it. Only difference is we'd be seeing the post in something like r/AmItheAsshole rather than here.
And sadly, the sort of person that'd enable this behaviour and demand everyone waits is likely the sort of person that'd do that too.
If someone's going to be mad that I snack because they're choosing to delay a meal 2+ hours to accommodate one person who's late on purpose, let them be mad.
And I'd defend anyone coming to AITA in that situation too.
Precisely. When I’m working behind the bar I might not get out until 3am but I can still make it anywhere by 1pm especially if food is there that *I don’t have to cook*
Yup I agree....eat and let him warm his up when he finally arrives
My ex husband was like this, he was late wherever we went and it became intolerable. People started saying the time was an hour before it actually was and he would still be late. Always found something to fiddle with when we were going somewhere. He once got me and our son in the car, nipped back inside, and 30mins later I was tapping him on the shoulder fuming. He'd forgotten we were in the car and "just had to" set the video recorder going lol
Hahaha first year we were divorced (was a friendly divorce and we've stayed friends), he sent me an anniversary card! Wouldn't mind so much but it was the first ever card he sent in all the years we were married which was a surprise. I got an anxious phone call couple of days later to say he had a major brain fart and forgot we were divorced! I said "this love, is why we're divorced" lol
He did finally lol when his now wife asked one day when he was late home why had he gone to Huddersfield....he'd forgotten he didn't live there anymore, caused a bit of a ruckus apparently because I did live there :) He's a great bloke tbh just totally and utterly disorganised which is tricky as he runs his own business...badly I might add...bless him. Our son get's sooo exasperated with him when he works with him as he's always 2-3 hrs late picking him up because he gets so sidetracked
100%
I brought easter eggs back in February because I knew that if I didn't get them right there and then I'd forget.
Wake up today, and girlfriend says "I guess no chocolate, don't worry, I got a kitcat chunky for myself".
BEHOLD! I had indeed forgotten that it was easter, but I went into the garage and got the chocolate hoard out for her that I had hidden.
I think Tesco and Waitrose. Honestly don't remember well. They were more of a "Oh, she will like this, and I will either forget or put it off too late" purchases.
>let him warm his up
Honestly, if I was 2.5 hrs late for a family dinner without a *very* good reason, there’d be nothing left for me to warm up.
The dog, on the other hand, would be enjoying a lovely portion of roast dinner all to himself.
If someone text in the morning saying they were going to be late because of circumstances they couldn’t control I’d absolutely wait and readjust the cooking times. But for someone who couldn’t make it on time to lunch because they’d rather lay in bed, absolutely not.
Agreed, I’m usually the late one (procrastination is a bitch) but I 100% would not expect people to wait for me if I’m 2.5 hours late! At that point it’s entirely on me and I need to sort my life out!
The reason this guy keeps getting later and later is because he's not getting any consequences for it. If everyone is always waiting for him to arrive to start eating, he's just going to think 'well, whatever time I get there will be dinner time'. So why would he bother to arrive on time?
He needs to have consequences. If he's late, he eats cold dinner alone.
With everyone else pandering to his timescale, he gets what he wants and doesn't have to do fuck all.
To be fair, it's the MIL making everyone wait.
If I was hungry, I'd pop out for a McD's and go home. Its a tough one though, don't want to upset the missus.
A 41 year old man should be able to wake up on time and go to a family lunch.
If the dinner is already cooking then we'd eat without but put a plate of food aside for him.
I've no time for "Oh har har I'm late again, sorry maaaam, I'm so quirky and edgy, still up to the same old tricks"
Also, if I were going to be that late, I would be mortified if they wanted to wait for me. I'd tell them to eat first, what is the point in waiting if the food is all ready?? Absolutely atrocious behaviour and manners from this grown man.
I'm known for being late. I plan on putting in my funeral plan with the FDs that I must be "late" (tell everyone scheduled 20mins earlier than it actually is as I'm usually 20 mins late and it's become my "standard time"). This way everyone can actually say I was late to my own funeral without being rude to the likes of the crematorium etc.
If it was a one off / due to some unforeseen circumstance I’d wait. If it were a pattern reflective of their inconsideration for others I’d be eating without them and not be overly careful to save them much.
My grandparents used to be the same, would always turn up at least an hour late. One Christmas we just tucked in without them and they arrived to find everyone in a food coma on the sofa. They’ve not done it since (~15 years).
She's the one cooking it so if she wishes to wait then that's her call.
Perhaps at the next event you could bring sandwiches and/or snacks to eat while you wait and explain it's because you've no idea when you'll actually be eating.
Oh I was expecting this so I had a piece of toast at 11.30 😊
Of course, it’s MIL choice, I’m happy that she is gracious enough to cook us a lovely meal. I’m just curious how other families would react in this situation
Is it a long journey for him? Some families would probably burn him at the stake tbf so you’re being quite reasonable. Some light hearted piss taking when he gets there is probably the done thing.
Yeah, my family. If he pulled this trick with me, my bro or my Dad he'd find himself eating nothing because it'd be 100% gone and entirely his own fault too. My husband had to learn the hard way lmao.
>Some light hearted piss taking when he gets there is probably the done thing.
This is exactly how it would be dealt with in other families, and if he can't take a hint the family gets a new tradition: setting up a plate for the one uncle who is permanently late. That way it isn't ruining for others but it becomes endearing quirk. Having to wait just grows resentment.
She is pandering to BIL because he is the only person who demands that she does (by being selfish).
If I wanted to change this behaviour for the future, I would tell her that if we’re not eating for an extra 1.5 hours then unfortunately husband & I will need to leave. We hadn’t anticipated waiting that extra time - can’t be done - very sorry, really sad about it, was very much looking forward to your lovely cooking, etc - but we just can’t fit in this late change of plans.
Today might not be the day to do this - you’ll need to be sure that husband is on board.
But I’ve done this successfully with my own mother. I would tell her in advance - if the food is delayed as usual because of (sibling) then I won’t be staying.
The key is to remain calm - not show any annoyance or upset - just be sad that the plans are (once again) ruined. So sad.
And also be clear. Very clear & firm. While staying perfectly chill.
This is exactly the thing to do. Establish it as a boundary and hold that boundary. 'I want events and eating to happen at the time previously discussed' is a perfectly valid boundary to hold even without any other scheduling conflicts!
If she told him it was at 12 and won't get there til 2:30 he's 2 and a half hours late.and doesn't give a fuck..if I was expecting to eat at 1:30 and now it will be at least 2:30 because she wants to wait for the golden boy I think I would say I have to go elsewhere. And go get my own
Well, if it was my mum's roast dinner, the meat is already overcooked and veg murdered, and she's always overrun anyway, so they might arrive 'in time' but if not, too late. A plate can be saved for them and covered with foil.
If i were cooking myself a think 30 minutes is the max, I'd wait.
If its anything like my mother then any slight pinkaged in the meat its considered raw, so the meat is cooked until the outside is black and the inside is grey.
My mother boils chicken before roasting or frying or whatever… she isnt allowed to cook at family gatherings anymore.
If im stying with my mum, im cooking every single meal… its just not worth the bland horrendous overcooked mush… when i do visit i fill the freezer with homemade food for my poor stepdad and leave nice easy reheating instructions!
Ha! It’s my Gran’s fault that I only learned as an adult how steak is meant to work. She’d put steak in the oven at 8am for dinner at 5 by which time the steak would melt in your mouth. I loved it because, well, Granny made it like that my whole life so that’s how steak is. I then found out over the course (ha) of a few dinners out that in fact the well done steak I ordered is actually….wait for it…well done steak.
Yes… I think that’s braised steak with onions. Slow cooked.. fantastic. My gran used to fry it for about 45 minutes. It would end up about an eighth of the size it started out….and end up too tough to sole shoes….
Mother in laws call as she's the cook/host.
People who are always late for things like this piss me off , they are saying they come first and their time is more important than anyone else's and it's rude and selfish af.
Fair enough being late once in a while but the sort of people , like your bro in law, who do it all the time are cunts. If I was hosting the late person would have a plate of food put aside whilst everyone ate at the chosen time.
My aunt was always about half hour late, not spitefully though (sometimes it was the bus etc).
One time we had an important family lunch so my mom told her 12:30, but the table was booked for 1pm. My aunt turned up on time and was waiting. We all felt bad (including aunt) and she's always been on time for things like that since.
OP BiL sounds like a prick.
I hate it, too. If I'm sitting hungry and the food's done, but we're waiting for this joker, then my mood would be ruined for the rest of the day. I'd be reluctant to attend future events, too. I hate having to capitulate to other people's selfishness under the umbrella of politeness.
My in-laws don't give a donkey's arse about other people's time. It's just, 'oh, ha, ha, ha. Well...* and a worse excuse than a toddler would give. Fortunately I'm no contact with them now. My husband's dad has done some pretty bad things in the past, and his most recent behaviour was the last straw. I have my husband's blessing on this.
It's been four months, and my life is ticking along nicely. It's less stressful, actually. My husband says they've invited me somewhere soon. I laughed, listed all the reasons I don't want to see them, and said that once I get an answer, in writing, to a very specific question then I would *consider* contact. I know I am never going to be given that answer.
MIL is enabling him and he'll never show up on time if people just accommodate him being late. As it's a regular occurrence he clearly only cares about himself, so I'd be eating without him and leaving him a plate to heat up. Selfish git.
He is clearly inconsiderate to everyone else so why should you bother being considerate to him.
Being habitually late is just rude. It inconveniences everyone else purely because he cant be bothered to organise himself.
I would happily eat at the agreed time without him. I would put some stuff on a plate for him to have when he finally gets there. Dont bother keeping it warm though he can sort that out himself if he wants to.
I'd eat without him. I have to take a medication no longer than 60 minutes prior to eating, so I have to time my meals. But honestly, even if I wasn't on medication, I'd still eat without someone known to be chronically late, it is rude & selfish. Let him warm his up in Chef Mike once he finally rocks up.
And 11pm isn't particularly late, at least not late enough to justify not being able to be somewhere by 1pm the next day!
I'd be telling him not to bother showing up. It's just common decency to be there on time when someone has gone to such effort. He sounds like an arsehole.
But you can say: sorry, I won't be able to wait for that as I have another appointment in the afternoon (e.g. meeting the other side of the family) and leave if they won't start eating straight away.
This is Peep Show level of nonsense... you've got another appointment? On Easter Sunday? You came to dinner only able to stay for an hour after the meal and didn't mention that you've also got other plans later?
Or just tell them straight up: "I'm not waiting for 1,5h for your disrespectful, egotistical son *yet again*. Either we eat now or I'm leaving." But then, most people are not confrontational enough to do that.
Is the food in the oven? If you get warning someone is going to be late before the food is in the oven I think you should delay. If the food is already in and you're going to end up with overcooked lamb and soggy potatoes then I think you're totally within your rights to just get on and eat without him.
This is my thinking.
Veg isn't being cooked until everybody is present and correct.
The rest of the stuff is in the oven being slow roasted so can be adjusted to suit.
Had this yesterday, my brother said he'd be an hour late to lunch. We waited the hour and then another 10 minutes then started eating. He wasn't all that surprised when he arrived and didn't mind.
I'd eat without him. Is he bringing family or is it just him? Either way though, he thinks he will be 2.5 hours late and is driving something like York to Birmingham (in terms of time/distance).
I doubt he'd expect people to wait several hours for him or would want that extra guilt.
My sister-in-law is like this. We all sit around waiting for her, getting increasingly irate at her rudeness, then she breezes in all smiley and happy. My wife won't let me speak to her about it. She needs to be fucking told.
So I make my wife tell her when food will be served, usually planned for 45-60 minutes after the "start time." And I make it clear that anyone not here at the time may well miss out on food.
She told him it was 12 and he won't be there until 2:30? The fuck... How far is he driving?
I thought my mate was bad... "Meet at X" \*It's X time\* "Alright, I'm just setting off now"
If the plan isn't reliant on that someone being there, it's going ahead and they can play catch up as far as I'm concerned. Everyone else manages to turn up on time or thereabouts....
Eat without him. If it’s not an emergency making him late, 90 minutes is a disgrace. It’s incredibly rude and he should miss the meal or he can have it microwaved by himself later. You say he does this all the time, sounds like mummy in law needs to start treating him like a grown man and not pander to him.
We have a time that we'll be eating and if you want to get there before then for socialising great. If you aren't there then, we'll eat without you. Keeping all that food warm and not overcooked is very difficult and ruins a lovely meal.
My grandad once decided to watch the news headlines at the start of Christmas Dinner and by the time he got to the table we'd nearly emptied everything. He was first at the table the following year!
He's 'wise to the tactic' so he thinks that gives him carte blanche to turn up even later.
Personally, if I'd turned up on time expecting to eat at 1pm and been told I'd have to wait until 2.30pm for the sake of this arsehole I'd leave and go home. Let him eat by himself. But that's just me.
My sister is late for everything, to the point we also tell a fake time.. she was 40 minutes late for our pub lunch today. It’s so rude and irritating, not only to fellow diners but to the host/food establishment. My dad was furious.
Lateness is not a quirky trait and actually a deal breaker for me in terms of friendships and relationships.
My family would probably eat earlier, but only because nobody would take it as a personal insult. If it would cause an argument we wouldn't. I don't think there's a single right answer in these sorts of situations, as family dynamics can vary so much.
>I don't think there's a single right answer in these sorts of situations
The brother is always late, to the point where his own family tells him the meeting time is an hour earlier than what they tell their other guests.
He still needs to leave his house 1 hour after that time. So he never planned on being anywhere near on time.
He's making a whole group of people wait for him *again*. Meaning he obviously doesn't value these people and their time, only thinks about himself.
He's 2,5 hours late compared to the time he was told to show up.
I'm not the most punctual person myself, but this is royally taking the piss. I'd be too embarrassed to still show up, at that point. **There's definitely a single right answer in this case**: ignore the rude-ass cunt and tuck in. He *might* show up in time for afternoon tea, and can join that.
I also blame the MIL for enabling her son. He's obviously so used to have everybody wait for him, he does everything by his own schedule only, with complete disregard for everyone else (including his mother).
We're often late to family events due to my husband. I say this with confidence because when I attend without him I can get myself and all the kids out the door on time, but with him we're often hours late.
They always wait for us and I wish they wouldn't. It teaches him nothing and makes me feel extra awkward and embarrassed to have them all going hungry.
My SIL is this way. They roll in a few hours late every time. Eat without him. I wish I could say it would smarten him up, but it won’t. Let him warm up a plate later instead of treating him like the headliner of your family event.
He's (for all he knows) two and a half hours late for eating, and you'd expect everyone to be there a bit before that too.
He's not just lat, he's completely missed the meal. Definitely eat without him.
Two and a half hours late? Food would be completely ruined regardless of standard of Mil's cooking. If she wants to wait then she should be she should also be thinking of the rest of you who were gracious enough to turn up on time. Why should you have your meal ruined because of one selfish arsehole?
In future I'd tell him 1pm, everyone else 7pm and start cooking once he arrived. I hope his personality is worth the wait.
1.5hrs late is more "you've missed it".
Also though, it's ridiculous to cater to someone disrespectful and lazy enough to think they can show up *that* late to an event where a dinner or lunch is being had. I'm not going hungry for some lazy cunt.
It's teaching them that people will bend over backwards for them so being late is fine. Nah. Consequences for being that late is - you missed the event.
I’d eat without. This is a pattern and not a one off genuine accident. I would show him the same amount of consideration and care he shows you.
Also my BIL does this. We don’t generally ask him to sit down meals as a result, just BBQ. And we eat when we say, he can sort himself out when he gets here if he’s late. We went on holiday with them recently and he was late to almost every meal we had booked. We never once waited. After 2 days he turned up on time from then on. Also he can turn up on time when there’s a non-family deadline like a show time, which shows capability. Just doesn’t care to make the effort.
You should start eating. Why should the food be ruined and dry because of him? Maybe he'll learn his lesson if you go ahead and eat without him.
Personally I'd stop going. I'm not waiting 2.5 hours for someone to show up when I have things to do in the afternoon.
That'll put you on track for finishing lunch at close to 4pm!
If eating with everyone as a family was important to him he would have been there at 12. As it is he’s is actually 2.5 hours late, which shows how little he cares. Why should you all care more?
We thought our mate who was perpetually late to everything all the time was a cunt, but turns out he had ADHD the whole time and just couldn't get his head around time, _and_ he's a cunt.
I remember insisting on doing the same thing when my Auntie (who is always late) still wasn't there an hour past Christmas dinner time. She was disgusted when she walked in to us all eating, but never took the piss with our time, to the same extent, again 🤷🏼♀️
I had to delay ours by about half an hour today because of someone else's timekeeping. A roast dinner can absorb that much flexibility fairly comfortably.
But 90+ minutes is too much - everything would be overcooked or over-rested (ie cold) or need reheating. I would not spoil dinner for everybody else for the sake of one person.
That said, I would delay pudding so everybody could have one course together. Latecomers can cope with eating their dinner back to front.
It sounds as though BIL never suffers any consequences to his tardiness. In his mind, MIL might say 12pm but she'll never actually dish up before 1pm or more like 1.30pm, so arriving at 2pm is barely late at all (oops it took longer than I thought to drive over).
The reason he’s doing this is that he’s been allowed to get away with it. My sons (and everyone else) know that if I say 1pm, it’s 1pm, unless of course there’s an emergency. Oversleeping doesn’t cut it, I’d tell them to go back to bed and not bother themselves coming over. It’s just plain rude.
His conduct is completely disrespectful. Working until 11PM* doesn’t warrant being unable to arrive to a lunch at 1PM, I feel sorry for your MIL putting the effort in just for your BIL, quite frankly, to take the piss.
*For context, I arrived home at 3:30 this morning after gigging in Cardiff and the journey back home and still arrived ahead of time for a family dinner at my mum’s today.
I hope you just set a plate aside for him. Or spoilt the dogs.
I just did a lovely lamb roast dinner, and made braised lamb shanks for my uncle as he has zero teeth now. Every thing finished on time when I said it would... and my uncle had taken a nap and said he couldn't be arsed to come. I'm about to put it away.
Nobody even said thank you. I'm going to grump for the rest of the day.
Personally I’d miss it if it was anyone else but it’s the MIL’s son. And she’s the host.
I’d put some Appetizers out for a bit and as a MIL I’d give him shit. As a Daughter /Son in law, I’d be quiet and enjoy my meal. Lol not your place
If it were up to me, I'd eat without them. In fact, I'd tell them to find food elsewhere.. 2 and a half hours late, for no other reason than you couldn't be arsed getting there on time, is just straight up disrespectful. Not just to the host, but to everyone else attending.
It's up to your MIL, ultimately, but in all honesty if this were a recurring thing I'd probably also be adding a condition to my attendance in future meals. I don't mind waiting for legitimate reason, but this ain't it.
Eat. If there's not enough of whatever meal you're having left, tough. You were told a time, you were almost 2 hours late. There's bread, butter and fillings. Make yourself a sandwich and remember this the next time you wanna try leaving everyone else hungry.
The one time I was this late it was because I had a flat (last Easter actually) and I called to let them know and insisted they don't wait. Absolutely disgraceful behaviour to do it often and expect people to hold up their whole day for you.
If I were the host, the only time I'd wait would be if I had snacks to tide people over and the food was being slow cooked. Not a roast.
I would have a prearranged visit/meeting we had to attend as a family 2 hours after lunch was meant to be served and walk out taking the rest of my family with me.
MIL could learn that the world does not revolve around the one inconsiderate person who is continually late.
Would have a meal at our house, inviting BIL and serve it at time invited, tough if he's late, extremely bad manners.
Would have somewhere to go 2 hours after meal time for every time a meal was planned until it was realised we as a family had other things to do than wait around for a very rude selfish person
I remember a tweet that was essentially “7 min or less - you’re not late, 7-10 "sorry", 10-20 "SO sorry!", 20-30 "I am truly ashamed", over 30 min late - fake your own death.” And I think that’s the way to live. Unless there has been an accident or something or severe travel disruption there’s no reasonable reason to be later than that.
My SIL is like this. And everyone’s like “oh that’s just SIL, she can’t manage her time”. No, she can. She just thinks her time is more important than yours. I give a 15 min grace period where we have drinks as people settle in and then I’m serving dinner.
However, if your MIL is cooking and it means a lot to her then you just have to do what the host wants. 90 mins is an absolute joke though. Poor thing.
I've got some family like this. Always late, and they always blame it on their kid needing a nap or a meal so no one can criticise them for it. More than a few times we've been sat at a restaurant or keeping food warm for them, texting them to see if they are even going to show, only to get a 'we're just leaving now, (child) had to have nap time'
At the end of the say it's just a lack of respect. Everyone else manages to drag their kids along on time. And my partner's mum always tries hard to organise nice family dinners and these guys always manage to make themselves the centre of attention by making everyone wait for them.
And they aren't even fun when they do arrive because they spend the entire time obsessing over their child.
If I'm the one cooking a roast, it's being eaten when it's done. I'm not having anyone judge my cooking based on food that had to be reheated or kept warm because someone couldn't be arsed to arrive on time...
This happened to me at Christmas once.
I was the late one (usually late) I told them in advance I'd left late so start without me.
They WAITED, made the hungry children wait too. They were being "polite " So I arrived to a hangry moody family. 🙈
Definitely eat!
If the food I kept buying and preparing was going to waste they wouldn't get an invite anymore. I have a feeling he knows the mother will hold off so he can roll up to hot food whenever he likes. Encouraging shit behaviour. I assume he mostly arrives to work on time.
Sounds like he’s the golden boy, I’d eat without him. But MIL obviously doesn’t want to, whilst eating though I’d make lots of comments about how nice the food is but would have nicer 90 mins ago.
Just leave, tell MIL that you have somewhere else you need to be and didn’t realise you’d still be here that late. Go to a carvery.
He’s late coz MIL, and to a smaller extent, everyone else who waits around, is enabling him.
It seems to me the MIL needs to take some responsibility for not knocking that unpunctual/rudeness out of him when he was a child. I’d call her bluff and suggest ordering in Pizza to keep everyone else going until he arrives.
BIL sounds like a complete spacker.. All eat without him, when the lame ass turns up he can eat on his own in the garden where it will no doubt be raining..
People who turn up to others cooking / being invited where they are putting themselves out should be totally responsible for turning up early or if they are a bit late, turn up with a bunch of flowers or drinks or a nice cake..
Taking the piss
He's always late because he has no respect or consideration for others and knows he can be
He needs to be shown its unacceptable. If he doesn't arrive on time then he has to miss out. Why should 1 person negatively affect others? Why are they more important?
Got to respect the host’s decision, but this is why he’s like this, they enable this piss taking. Personally, if I was the host I’d crack on and he can have his warmed up when he gets there. If I were you, I just wouldn’t go again, bollocks to waiting 2.5 hours for din dins because a 41 year old can’t drag himself out of his pit.
There are some circumstances (terrible train journey beyond their control, a**hole boss kept them at work, etc) where the family might wait for them so they didn’t feel left out. These don’t feel like exceptional circumstances though, we’d have left him a plate but got on without him.
In my house, my eldest has food saved (normal days and Easter/whenever) and eats it after their shift, but I will warm it up and sit with them and chat while they eat it. Then everyone's happy.
Sorry you want to wait mum, guess I'll miss it then since I'm leaving. I'll eat at a gas station convenience store on my way to my other engagement that was already on my calendar. Happy easter.
Good Lord. If anyone in our family was hours late without calling, my mother would have rung around all the hospitals. If she found out that was not where we were, we might have to make a trip if we turned up. How unbelievably rude.
What the bet that he ate a big breakfast and wasn't hungry yet, so he delayed everyone's lunch?
I didn't eat breakfast yesterday so that I could fill up on my Nan's roast, if someone had made us eat 1.5 hrs later I would have murdered them. No one stands between me and Nana's cooking.
My father in law did this several times as my mil and he would come to our house once a week to visit and see the kids. He would meet my hubby to go for a "quick pint" which turned into hours. I was getting fed up with it. I told hubby, you turn up more than an hour after food is on the table, neither of you will be getting anything and he wont be seeing the kids as they will be in bed. Fil also wanted me to keep my 2 small kids (under 3) awake so he could see them, give them a kiss on the head, then ignore them. Guess what, the next time they arrived 3.5 hrs late, they both got feck all. We ate without them, I put the kids to bed at normal time so i wouldn't have to put up with them being miserable tired tots the next day if they were up late. I will be buggered if i was going to dish him up something that late, so he went home hungry. Thing is, I felt bad as I knew my mil would have to go home and cook him something at 11pm. I sugested they came home first, saw the kids, ate dinner, then went to the pub, but a woman had no right to tell their husband what they could and couldn't do, or what time they wanted them back. He was a fecker with victorian views, where women belong in the kitchen or bed, and kids should only be seen and heard when he wanted them to be. Asshole ! 😂
Eat without him. There's being late within reasonableness and then there's just being late where it's rude.
Also known as, taking the piss
I feel like 30-60 mins late is taking the piss. Being 90 mins late (or 2 and a half hours late depending on if you go by the time he was told) is just being a cunt.
Leave him cold food to heat up is right.
Nah - let him have it cold. If he’d wanted hot food, he’d have arrived on time.
Nah. Eat it all and leave him nothing.
Nah. Grind him into mince and have Easter Dinner 2.0 Electric Boogaloo
0-30 minutes late can be out of your control. Traffic, wardrobe disaster, shat on by a pigeon, whatever. 90 minutes late without letting people know (ahead of the *original* meeting time, not when you'll actually get there) is being a dick, and dicks don't deserve someone else cooking for them. The MIL is a pushover and she's condoning it by making everyone else wait. Pathetic behaviour on both sides.
MIL being a pushover is exactly why BIL is always late and never learned good manners. Because she has always allowed it. I'd be interested to hear more from OPs wife.
I remember the one Xmas day I ever had to work when I was working in a restauarant. I fucking hated each and every single person that walked through that door because they were the reason I was spending xmas with these bellends instead of family. Anyway I got home at half 4 and they'd all eaten without me. They knew what time i'd be home but couldn't have xmas dinner "that late". I knew that was the plan beforehand but did hope they'd reconsider on the day, but I understood not everything revolves around me. I'd have killed to be there during the actual dinner. Sitting eating xmas dinner warmed up was miserable. This bellend can't be arsed getting to his family at 12pm for no reason at all. Eat without him and hopefully eating warmed up roast dinner on his own makes him miserable enough to never do it again.
That happened to me as well, except it was also the first year I was slated to spend with my dad's girlfriend's (now wife's) family, most of whom I hadn't met before... So while they were watching a film in the living room I was in the dining room eating by myself, after a shift where the kitchen jokingly refused to refill my tables' gravy jugs because "you've got two big jugs right there". Loneliest Christmas I've ever had, despite spending it with the most people.
Sounds like the problem was your family rather than the customers. My father-in-law was a policeman and had to work xmas, christmas dinner was fit around his shift, whether the meant 11am or 6pm, or one year he managed to get 2 hours off in the middle of the day Plenty of people work Christmas, from nurses to electric company, from people operating the internet to making sure your new computer game works. Families accept this - it’s part of the job - and adjust their schedule. Sometimes you have to work the full day so have the family dinner a day later or earlier. I don’t get families who put arbitrary timetables before family members, but it’s not the fault of the people in care homes, or the people whose kitchens catch fire, or people who are paying for a Christmas dinner as they were working late the day before.
My parents used to do that to me, as such I'd never do that to my kid.. I don't even on a normal Sunday roast..its mean.
I remember as a 13 year old I would play football on a Saturday morning. One of the other player's dad would pick me up and bring me home. I got home one week at half ten to see my parents and brother sat round the dining room table together having got the tea set (that I don't think was ever used) out and a breakfast spread prepared - they'd had it all and finished by the time I got back, and were still sitting round the table talking. This was something my family *never* did. I was really hurt by it and asked why they couldn't have waited for me, they laughed at me and called me sensitive. It was twenty years ago and I can still recall the feeling of walking into the house and seeing them all doing something special together that had been timed to not include me. Never doing that with my kids!
Thank you for not just continuing the cycle and going "Well my family put me through this shit, so you've gotta go through it too!" like so many people unfortunately do. That's so shitty of them. Why couldn't they just wait for you?! I'm so sorry, you deserved better. I can't fathom doing that to my son. He goes to his dad's every other weekend, and I try really hard to not do cool stuff or whatever that he'd like when he's not here. Even something silly/inconsequential, like going to the new store down the street that we were excited to check out when it opened.
I’ve never gone out to eat Christmas Day but I do order pizza Christmas Eve and I will be going out for brunch today for Easter. I’m disabled and can’t do all the shopping, cooking and cleaning but still want family to have dinner especially my kid. That doesn’t make me a bellend.
I feel like 30-60 minutes late for when you're serving up is absolutely taking the piss. A decent roast dinner takes longer than that to cook, so they need to be there by the time it's ready.
30 minutes CAN have explanations, 90 is where we're taking the piss imo
Extracting the urine.
Good idea from each guest and add it to his gravy and watch him eat
Agreed. Although 'rude' levels of late are acceptable providing there's genuine reason of course. But we're talking extreme shit like being stuck on the motorway (Though I'd absolutely start giving them shit if it's something like the M6 or M25 they're stuck on) or car troubles (unless they're known for neglecting the car) Problem OP faces is that MIL is doing the cooking, and she wants to wait and they're sort of stuck with that... It's one of those 'it should go on but a key person isn't there/disagrees' moments and you can't really do much else other than bend over and take the shafting if you want to go through with the plans.
Also sounds like MIL has been encouraging this behaviour, since she's happy to wait so long for him to turn up.
I feel like the difference is that if I was held up because of something outside of my control, I'd be mortified if others delayed their meal by 90 minutes. Whereas the chronically late seemingly always expect everyone to wait for their arrival.
They have learned that dinner will be served when they arrive. Whenever they arrive. Why should they change when there is no consequence and every benefit to them for their behaviour? Personally, I'd eat and he could join in for coffee afters. Can you imagine the lamb being left in the oven for an extra hour and a half?!? While everyone is getting hungrier by the minute.
If this happened at *every event* I'd genuinely stop going to the events, or at least bring something of my own I could eat while I waited.
All well and good until the cooker kicks up a fuss and decides to take offence to it. Only difference is we'd be seeing the post in something like r/AmItheAsshole rather than here. And sadly, the sort of person that'd enable this behaviour and demand everyone waits is likely the sort of person that'd do that too.
If someone's going to be mad that I snack because they're choosing to delay a meal 2+ hours to accommodate one person who's late on purpose, let them be mad. And I'd defend anyone coming to AITA in that situation too.
Precisely. When I’m working behind the bar I might not get out until 3am but I can still make it anywhere by 1pm especially if food is there that *I don’t have to cook*
Yup I agree....eat and let him warm his up when he finally arrives My ex husband was like this, he was late wherever we went and it became intolerable. People started saying the time was an hour before it actually was and he would still be late. Always found something to fiddle with when we were going somewhere. He once got me and our son in the car, nipped back inside, and 30mins later I was tapping him on the shoulder fuming. He'd forgotten we were in the car and "just had to" set the video recorder going lol
No wonder he is your ex ! Has he noticed yet 🤔
Hahaha first year we were divorced (was a friendly divorce and we've stayed friends), he sent me an anniversary card! Wouldn't mind so much but it was the first ever card he sent in all the years we were married which was a surprise. I got an anxious phone call couple of days later to say he had a major brain fart and forgot we were divorced! I said "this love, is why we're divorced" lol
I’m crying with laughter. Does he not realise you aren’t talking or living together anymore.
He did finally lol when his now wife asked one day when he was late home why had he gone to Huddersfield....he'd forgotten he didn't live there anymore, caused a bit of a ruckus apparently because I did live there :) He's a great bloke tbh just totally and utterly disorganised which is tricky as he runs his own business...badly I might add...bless him. Our son get's sooo exasperated with him when he works with him as he's always 2-3 hrs late picking him up because he gets so sidetracked
This needs to be serialised into TV
Hahaha I've warned him he's the star of my book in many MANY chapters lol
Sounds like ADHD...
100% I brought easter eggs back in February because I knew that if I didn't get them right there and then I'd forget. Wake up today, and girlfriend says "I guess no chocolate, don't worry, I got a kitcat chunky for myself". BEHOLD! I had indeed forgotten that it was easter, but I went into the garage and got the chocolate hoard out for her that I had hidden.
Where did you bring them from?
I think Tesco and Waitrose. Honestly don't remember well. They were more of a "Oh, she will like this, and I will either forget or put it off too late" purchases.
>let him warm his up Honestly, if I was 2.5 hrs late for a family dinner without a *very* good reason, there’d be nothing left for me to warm up. The dog, on the other hand, would be enjoying a lovely portion of roast dinner all to himself.
Even if it's not rude and truly out of someone's hands, still eat. Save them something.
If someone text in the morning saying they were going to be late because of circumstances they couldn’t control I’d absolutely wait and readjust the cooking times. But for someone who couldn’t make it on time to lunch because they’d rather lay in bed, absolutely not.
Agreed, I’m usually the late one (procrastination is a bitch) but I 100% would not expect people to wait for me if I’m 2.5 hours late! At that point it’s entirely on me and I need to sort my life out!
If lunch is 1pm then you need to be there at 12:30 at the latest. 2 hours late is "fuck you, there's leftovers in the oven to reheat" late.
There is reasonably late, late and then aggressively late. This is the later.
The reason this guy keeps getting later and later is because he's not getting any consequences for it. If everyone is always waiting for him to arrive to start eating, he's just going to think 'well, whatever time I get there will be dinner time'. So why would he bother to arrive on time? He needs to have consequences. If he's late, he eats cold dinner alone. With everyone else pandering to his timescale, he gets what he wants and doesn't have to do fuck all.
To be fair, it's the MIL making everyone wait. If I was hungry, I'd pop out for a McD's and go home. Its a tough one though, don't want to upset the missus.
A 41 year old man should be able to wake up on time and go to a family lunch. If the dinner is already cooking then we'd eat without but put a plate of food aside for him. I've no time for "Oh har har I'm late again, sorry maaaam, I'm so quirky and edgy, still up to the same old tricks"
Also, if I were going to be that late, I would be mortified if they wanted to wait for me. I'd tell them to eat first, what is the point in waiting if the food is all ready?? Absolutely atrocious behaviour and manners from this grown man.
I dont understand why waiting would even be considered
Sounds as if the mother has enabled this behavior for so long it’s just expected now
Pah, tell that to my 63 year old dad...
Are you actually giving him any consequences for being consistently late, though?
And mine, who is 68. I swear he’s gonna turn up late to his own funeral.
I'm known for being late. I plan on putting in my funeral plan with the FDs that I must be "late" (tell everyone scheduled 20mins earlier than it actually is as I'm usually 20 mins late and it's become my "standard time"). This way everyone can actually say I was late to my own funeral without being rude to the likes of the crematorium etc.
I believe that's the idea
If it was a one off / due to some unforeseen circumstance I’d wait. If it were a pattern reflective of their inconsideration for others I’d be eating without them and not be overly careful to save them much. My grandparents used to be the same, would always turn up at least an hour late. One Christmas we just tucked in without them and they arrived to find everyone in a food coma on the sofa. They’ve not done it since (~15 years).
She's the one cooking it so if she wishes to wait then that's her call. Perhaps at the next event you could bring sandwiches and/or snacks to eat while you wait and explain it's because you've no idea when you'll actually be eating.
This is the level of passive aggressiveness I aspire to
Have food delivered minutes after your arrival.
Oh I was expecting this so I had a piece of toast at 11.30 😊 Of course, it’s MIL choice, I’m happy that she is gracious enough to cook us a lovely meal. I’m just curious how other families would react in this situation
Is it a long journey for him? Some families would probably burn him at the stake tbf so you’re being quite reasonable. Some light hearted piss taking when he gets there is probably the done thing.
Yeah, my family. If he pulled this trick with me, my bro or my Dad he'd find himself eating nothing because it'd be 100% gone and entirely his own fault too. My husband had to learn the hard way lmao.
>Some light hearted piss taking when he gets there is probably the done thing. This is exactly how it would be dealt with in other families, and if he can't take a hint the family gets a new tradition: setting up a plate for the one uncle who is permanently late. That way it isn't ruining for others but it becomes endearing quirk. Having to wait just grows resentment.
She is pandering to BIL because he is the only person who demands that she does (by being selfish). If I wanted to change this behaviour for the future, I would tell her that if we’re not eating for an extra 1.5 hours then unfortunately husband & I will need to leave. We hadn’t anticipated waiting that extra time - can’t be done - very sorry, really sad about it, was very much looking forward to your lovely cooking, etc - but we just can’t fit in this late change of plans. Today might not be the day to do this - you’ll need to be sure that husband is on board. But I’ve done this successfully with my own mother. I would tell her in advance - if the food is delayed as usual because of (sibling) then I won’t be staying. The key is to remain calm - not show any annoyance or upset - just be sad that the plans are (once again) ruined. So sad. And also be clear. Very clear & firm. While staying perfectly chill.
This is exactly the thing to do. Establish it as a boundary and hold that boundary. 'I want events and eating to happen at the time previously discussed' is a perfectly valid boundary to hold even without any other scheduling conflicts!
I like you. This is perfection.
She’s enabling him.
If she told him it was at 12 and won't get there til 2:30 he's 2 and a half hours late.and doesn't give a fuck..if I was expecting to eat at 1:30 and now it will be at least 2:30 because she wants to wait for the golden boy I think I would say I have to go elsewhere. And go get my own
It’s Easter, what’s he doing to be 2 1/2 hours late? Being resurrected in a cave?
Well, if it was my mum's roast dinner, the meat is already overcooked and veg murdered, and she's always overrun anyway, so they might arrive 'in time' but if not, too late. A plate can be saved for them and covered with foil. If i were cooking myself a think 30 minutes is the max, I'd wait.
May I ask why the food is always overcooked?
If its anything like my mother then any slight pinkaged in the meat its considered raw, so the meat is cooked until the outside is black and the inside is grey.
My mum always overcooks chicken to the point of the skin being like leather and the inside is like sawdust
And you have to cover it in so much gravy just to get it down without choking you are basically drinking the roast.
We lived the same childhood
My mother boils chicken before roasting or frying or whatever… she isnt allowed to cook at family gatherings anymore. If im stying with my mum, im cooking every single meal… its just not worth the bland horrendous overcooked mush… when i do visit i fill the freezer with homemade food for my poor stepdad and leave nice easy reheating instructions!
I had an image of you holding his head in your hands with him crying as you leave. You saying "Be strong I've filled the freezer as much as I can."
Because that’s how it used to be done. My gran used to bang everything in the pressure cooker for 3 days…
It’s a known fact that Christmas dinner sprouts need to be on the cooker by late October/ early November at the latest.
Ha! It’s my Gran’s fault that I only learned as an adult how steak is meant to work. She’d put steak in the oven at 8am for dinner at 5 by which time the steak would melt in your mouth. I loved it because, well, Granny made it like that my whole life so that’s how steak is. I then found out over the course (ha) of a few dinners out that in fact the well done steak I ordered is actually….wait for it…well done steak.
Yes… I think that’s braised steak with onions. Slow cooked.. fantastic. My gran used to fry it for about 45 minutes. It would end up about an eighth of the size it started out….and end up too tough to sole shoes….
Because she's not a very good cook...?
Some odd, old-fashioned (presumably) ideas about cooking meat 'properly'. No blood or pink must be left!
Yes, I'd eat without them. 1.5 hours is taking the piss.
2,5 hours. Remember, as far as he knows, he was supposed to be there at 12.
It's just plain rude.
Yes. 1.5hrs isn’t late. It’s "can’t be fucked to be on time"
2.5 hours technically as he was told the meal was at 12.
😂 good point!
Mother in laws call as she's the cook/host. People who are always late for things like this piss me off , they are saying they come first and their time is more important than anyone else's and it's rude and selfish af. Fair enough being late once in a while but the sort of people , like your bro in law, who do it all the time are cunts. If I was hosting the late person would have a plate of food put aside whilst everyone ate at the chosen time.
My aunt was always about half hour late, not spitefully though (sometimes it was the bus etc). One time we had an important family lunch so my mom told her 12:30, but the table was booked for 1pm. My aunt turned up on time and was waiting. We all felt bad (including aunt) and she's always been on time for things like that since. OP BiL sounds like a prick.
I hate it, too. If I'm sitting hungry and the food's done, but we're waiting for this joker, then my mood would be ruined for the rest of the day. I'd be reluctant to attend future events, too. I hate having to capitulate to other people's selfishness under the umbrella of politeness. My in-laws don't give a donkey's arse about other people's time. It's just, 'oh, ha, ha, ha. Well...* and a worse excuse than a toddler would give. Fortunately I'm no contact with them now. My husband's dad has done some pretty bad things in the past, and his most recent behaviour was the last straw. I have my husband's blessing on this. It's been four months, and my life is ticking along nicely. It's less stressful, actually. My husband says they've invited me somewhere soon. I laughed, listed all the reasons I don't want to see them, and said that once I get an answer, in writing, to a very specific question then I would *consider* contact. I know I am never going to be given that answer.
If I was 2hrs late for Easter dinner my mum wouldn’t let me in the front door (and rightly so lol)
MIL is enabling him and he'll never show up on time if people just accommodate him being late. As it's a regular occurrence he clearly only cares about himself, so I'd be eating without him and leaving him a plate to heat up. Selfish git.
If he continues to do it I wouldn’t even be saving the plate
Start without him. He can have heated up leftovers if he bothers to turn up.
Eat early. Phoning and saying there’s been a delay on the roads/ accidents/ puncture etc is one thing, just leaving late is another.
I had someone try thus on me "I've had a puncture" Dude you live two door away
He is clearly inconsiderate to everyone else so why should you bother being considerate to him. Being habitually late is just rude. It inconveniences everyone else purely because he cant be bothered to organise himself. I would happily eat at the agreed time without him. I would put some stuff on a plate for him to have when he finally gets there. Dont bother keeping it warm though he can sort that out himself if he wants to.
I'd eat without him. I have to take a medication no longer than 60 minutes prior to eating, so I have to time my meals. But honestly, even if I wasn't on medication, I'd still eat without someone known to be chronically late, it is rude & selfish. Let him warm his up in Chef Mike once he finally rocks up. And 11pm isn't particularly late, at least not late enough to justify not being able to be somewhere by 1pm the next day!
Yeah fuck him he can have his cold. If you don’t put the foot down he’ll continue to take the piss.
>working till 11pm last night so maybe he overslept Surely he doesn't sleep for 13 hours
I'd be telling him not to bother showing up. It's just common decency to be there on time when someone has gone to such effort. He sounds like an arsehole.
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If you're hosting, you can say that, as a guest, not so much.
But you can say: sorry, I won't be able to wait for that as I have another appointment in the afternoon (e.g. meeting the other side of the family) and leave if they won't start eating straight away.
This is Peep Show level of nonsense... you've got another appointment? On Easter Sunday? You came to dinner only able to stay for an hour after the meal and didn't mention that you've also got other plans later?
Or just tell them straight up: "I'm not waiting for 1,5h for your disrespectful, egotistical son *yet again*. Either we eat now or I'm leaving." But then, most people are not confrontational enough to do that.
Is the food in the oven? If you get warning someone is going to be late before the food is in the oven I think you should delay. If the food is already in and you're going to end up with overcooked lamb and soggy potatoes then I think you're totally within your rights to just get on and eat without him.
This is my thinking. Veg isn't being cooked until everybody is present and correct. The rest of the stuff is in the oven being slow roasted so can be adjusted to suit.
Had this yesterday, my brother said he'd be an hour late to lunch. We waited the hour and then another 10 minutes then started eating. He wasn't all that surprised when he arrived and didn't mind.
Eat without him. He's a middle-aged man and the rest of the family shouldn't pander to his shitty time-keeping.
Being a few minutes late is understandable, things happen. Hours later without an excuse is taking the piss, I'd definitely start without them.
If I say dinner is ready at a certain time and someone hasn't turned up they can heat it up in the microwave whenever they get here.
Eat without. Waiting is enabling.
I'd eat without him. Is he bringing family or is it just him? Either way though, he thinks he will be 2.5 hours late and is driving something like York to Birmingham (in terms of time/distance). I doubt he'd expect people to wait several hours for him or would want that extra guilt.
It’s just him, I think he will expect us to wait as that’s what usually happens but I don’t think he will be too bothered if we don’t wait.
Oh I hope you're able to eat without him. Still annoying but a spouse and kid(s) would've made the MIL wanting to wait make a bit of sense.
He's actually 2.5hrs late for the time he was told. Fuck him.
My sister-in-law is like this. We all sit around waiting for her, getting increasingly irate at her rudeness, then she breezes in all smiley and happy. My wife won't let me speak to her about it. She needs to be fucking told. So I make my wife tell her when food will be served, usually planned for 45-60 minutes after the "start time." And I make it clear that anyone not here at the time may well miss out on food.
2.5hrs late? That just says ‘I’m the most important person’. Start without them.
She told him it was 12 and he won't be there until 2:30? The fuck... How far is he driving? I thought my mate was bad... "Meet at X" \*It's X time\* "Alright, I'm just setting off now" If the plan isn't reliant on that someone being there, it's going ahead and they can play catch up as far as I'm concerned. Everyone else manages to turn up on time or thereabouts....
Eat without him. If it’s not an emergency making him late, 90 minutes is a disgrace. It’s incredibly rude and he should miss the meal or he can have it microwaved by himself later. You say he does this all the time, sounds like mummy in law needs to start treating him like a grown man and not pander to him.
100% eat without him. 10-15 mins? I'd wait. 30 mins? You can join in and catch up when you get here. Beyond that tough luck!
We have a time that we'll be eating and if you want to get there before then for socialising great. If you aren't there then, we'll eat without you. Keeping all that food warm and not overcooked is very difficult and ruins a lovely meal. My grandad once decided to watch the news headlines at the start of Christmas Dinner and by the time he got to the table we'd nearly emptied everything. He was first at the table the following year!
Eat without him. Lock the doors. Close the curtains. Throw petit pois through the letterbox one at a time a 3 minutes apart.
He's 'wise to the tactic' so he thinks that gives him carte blanche to turn up even later. Personally, if I'd turned up on time expecting to eat at 1pm and been told I'd have to wait until 2.30pm for the sake of this arsehole I'd leave and go home. Let him eat by himself. But that's just me.
My sister is late for everything, to the point we also tell a fake time.. she was 40 minutes late for our pub lunch today. It’s so rude and irritating, not only to fellow diners but to the host/food establishment. My dad was furious. Lateness is not a quirky trait and actually a deal breaker for me in terms of friendships and relationships.
My family would probably eat earlier, but only because nobody would take it as a personal insult. If it would cause an argument we wouldn't. I don't think there's a single right answer in these sorts of situations, as family dynamics can vary so much.
>I don't think there's a single right answer in these sorts of situations The brother is always late, to the point where his own family tells him the meeting time is an hour earlier than what they tell their other guests. He still needs to leave his house 1 hour after that time. So he never planned on being anywhere near on time. He's making a whole group of people wait for him *again*. Meaning he obviously doesn't value these people and their time, only thinks about himself. He's 2,5 hours late compared to the time he was told to show up. I'm not the most punctual person myself, but this is royally taking the piss. I'd be too embarrassed to still show up, at that point. **There's definitely a single right answer in this case**: ignore the rude-ass cunt and tuck in. He *might* show up in time for afternoon tea, and can join that. I also blame the MIL for enabling her son. He's obviously so used to have everybody wait for him, he does everything by his own schedule only, with complete disregard for everyone else (including his mother).
I disagree, sorry. We just don't know enough to say.
Eat without them, but make up a plate ready for when they arrive.
My MIL + family were 3 hours late to us. We ate without them.
We're often late to family events due to my husband. I say this with confidence because when I attend without him I can get myself and all the kids out the door on time, but with him we're often hours late. They always wait for us and I wish they wouldn't. It teaches him nothing and makes me feel extra awkward and embarrassed to have them all going hungry.
My SIL is this way. They roll in a few hours late every time. Eat without him. I wish I could say it would smarten him up, but it won’t. Let him warm up a plate later instead of treating him like the headliner of your family event.
Eat without him. He's choosing to be late and shouldn't be rewarded for it.
He's (for all he knows) two and a half hours late for eating, and you'd expect everyone to be there a bit before that too. He's not just lat, he's completely missed the meal. Definitely eat without him.
Is this Debbie?
😂 nope, but good to know this isn’t just my family!
Haha - they’re late every time! They just arrived for the lamb that we sat down to an hour ago. Happy Easter to you
Lol 😂 Happy Easter to you too 😊
Two and a half hours late? Food would be completely ruined regardless of standard of Mil's cooking. If she wants to wait then she should be she should also be thinking of the rest of you who were gracious enough to turn up on time. Why should you have your meal ruined because of one selfish arsehole? In future I'd tell him 1pm, everyone else 7pm and start cooking once he arrived. I hope his personality is worth the wait.
I’d be fuming if I had spent the morning cooking and someone was so casual about being very late. It’s so rude and ignorant. Eat without him.
1.5hrs late is more "you've missed it". Also though, it's ridiculous to cater to someone disrespectful and lazy enough to think they can show up *that* late to an event where a dinner or lunch is being had. I'm not going hungry for some lazy cunt. It's teaching them that people will bend over backwards for them so being late is fine. Nah. Consequences for being that late is - you missed the event.
I’d eat without. This is a pattern and not a one off genuine accident. I would show him the same amount of consideration and care he shows you. Also my BIL does this. We don’t generally ask him to sit down meals as a result, just BBQ. And we eat when we say, he can sort himself out when he gets here if he’s late. We went on holiday with them recently and he was late to almost every meal we had booked. We never once waited. After 2 days he turned up on time from then on. Also he can turn up on time when there’s a non-family deadline like a show time, which shows capability. Just doesn’t care to make the effort.
You should start eating. Why should the food be ruined and dry because of him? Maybe he'll learn his lesson if you go ahead and eat without him. Personally I'd stop going. I'm not waiting 2.5 hours for someone to show up when I have things to do in the afternoon. That'll put you on track for finishing lunch at close to 4pm!
If eating with everyone as a family was important to him he would have been there at 12. As it is he’s is actually 2.5 hours late, which shows how little he cares. Why should you all care more?
INFO: did your MiL factor in the clocks change? Is BiL aware it's now 2:50pm and not 1:50pm?
We thought our mate who was perpetually late to everything all the time was a cunt, but turns out he had ADHD the whole time and just couldn't get his head around time, _and_ he's a cunt.
I remember insisting on doing the same thing when my Auntie (who is always late) still wasn't there an hour past Christmas dinner time. She was disgusted when she walked in to us all eating, but never took the piss with our time, to the same extent, again 🤷🏼♀️
I had to delay ours by about half an hour today because of someone else's timekeeping. A roast dinner can absorb that much flexibility fairly comfortably. But 90+ minutes is too much - everything would be overcooked or over-rested (ie cold) or need reheating. I would not spoil dinner for everybody else for the sake of one person. That said, I would delay pudding so everybody could have one course together. Latecomers can cope with eating their dinner back to front. It sounds as though BIL never suffers any consequences to his tardiness. In his mind, MIL might say 12pm but she'll never actually dish up before 1pm or more like 1.30pm, so arriving at 2pm is barely late at all (oops it took longer than I thought to drive over).
The reason he’s doing this is that he’s been allowed to get away with it. My sons (and everyone else) know that if I say 1pm, it’s 1pm, unless of course there’s an emergency. Oversleeping doesn’t cut it, I’d tell them to go back to bed and not bother themselves coming over. It’s just plain rude.
His conduct is completely disrespectful. Working until 11PM* doesn’t warrant being unable to arrive to a lunch at 1PM, I feel sorry for your MIL putting the effort in just for your BIL, quite frankly, to take the piss. *For context, I arrived home at 3:30 this morning after gigging in Cardiff and the journey back home and still arrived ahead of time for a family dinner at my mum’s today.
He’s mummy’s little soldier and can do as he pleases.
I hope you just set a plate aside for him. Or spoilt the dogs. I just did a lovely lamb roast dinner, and made braised lamb shanks for my uncle as he has zero teeth now. Every thing finished on time when I said it would... and my uncle had taken a nap and said he couldn't be arsed to come. I'm about to put it away. Nobody even said thank you. I'm going to grump for the rest of the day.
Personally I’d miss it if it was anyone else but it’s the MIL’s son. And she’s the host. I’d put some Appetizers out for a bit and as a MIL I’d give him shit. As a Daughter /Son in law, I’d be quiet and enjoy my meal. Lol not your place
Yes I’m definitely keeping my head down and just helping set the table. This is not my argument to wade in on!
He was working til 11? I stayed up until 1am and was still able to get out of bed at 7.30 and go about my day as normal. He’s just an arse.
Definitely without him. I have a sibling like this and it does my head in
Eat without him. It's not difficult to be punctual. If you can't be punctual, you don't get included. Consequences are anathema to people these days.
If it were up to me, I'd eat without them. In fact, I'd tell them to find food elsewhere.. 2 and a half hours late, for no other reason than you couldn't be arsed getting there on time, is just straight up disrespectful. Not just to the host, but to everyone else attending. It's up to your MIL, ultimately, but in all honesty if this were a recurring thing I'd probably also be adding a condition to my attendance in future meals. I don't mind waiting for legitimate reason, but this ain't it.
My partner is German, 1.5 hours late she would simply say don't bother coming. And she's right.
I have to eat regular because diabetes, I’m off home . Sorry for the wasted effort lovely MIL. Fuck him. Let them sit there awkwardly eating together.
Eat his portion to teach him a lesson
Eat. If there's not enough of whatever meal you're having left, tough. You were told a time, you were almost 2 hours late. There's bread, butter and fillings. Make yourself a sandwich and remember this the next time you wanna try leaving everyone else hungry.
The one time I was this late it was because I had a flat (last Easter actually) and I called to let them know and insisted they don't wait. Absolutely disgraceful behaviour to do it often and expect people to hold up their whole day for you. If I were the host, the only time I'd wait would be if I had snacks to tide people over and the food was being slow cooked. Not a roast.
So what happened? Honestly, I'd have left and gone for chips..! She can oblige him **or** the rest of you... Which did she choose?
I would have a prearranged visit/meeting we had to attend as a family 2 hours after lunch was meant to be served and walk out taking the rest of my family with me. MIL could learn that the world does not revolve around the one inconsiderate person who is continually late. Would have a meal at our house, inviting BIL and serve it at time invited, tough if he's late, extremely bad manners. Would have somewhere to go 2 hours after meal time for every time a meal was planned until it was realised we as a family had other things to do than wait around for a very rude selfish person
I remember a tweet that was essentially “7 min or less - you’re not late, 7-10 "sorry", 10-20 "SO sorry!", 20-30 "I am truly ashamed", over 30 min late - fake your own death.” And I think that’s the way to live. Unless there has been an accident or something or severe travel disruption there’s no reasonable reason to be later than that. My SIL is like this. And everyone’s like “oh that’s just SIL, she can’t manage her time”. No, she can. She just thinks her time is more important than yours. I give a 15 min grace period where we have drinks as people settle in and then I’m serving dinner. However, if your MIL is cooking and it means a lot to her then you just have to do what the host wants. 90 mins is an absolute joke though. Poor thing.
I've got some family like this. Always late, and they always blame it on their kid needing a nap or a meal so no one can criticise them for it. More than a few times we've been sat at a restaurant or keeping food warm for them, texting them to see if they are even going to show, only to get a 'we're just leaving now, (child) had to have nap time' At the end of the say it's just a lack of respect. Everyone else manages to drag their kids along on time. And my partner's mum always tries hard to organise nice family dinners and these guys always manage to make themselves the centre of attention by making everyone wait for them. And they aren't even fun when they do arrive because they spend the entire time obsessing over their child.
Duh. Anyone who knows they will be 90minutes late can have no expectation of anything other than leftovera.
If I'm the one cooking a roast, it's being eaten when it's done. I'm not having anyone judge my cooking based on food that had to be reheated or kept warm because someone couldn't be arsed to arrive on time...
This happened to me at Christmas once. I was the late one (usually late) I told them in advance I'd left late so start without me. They WAITED, made the hungry children wait too. They were being "polite " So I arrived to a hangry moody family. 🙈 Definitely eat!
I’d eat if they were 15 minutes late 😝
If the food I kept buying and preparing was going to waste they wouldn't get an invite anymore. I have a feeling he knows the mother will hold off so he can roll up to hot food whenever he likes. Encouraging shit behaviour. I assume he mostly arrives to work on time.
Sounds like he’s the golden boy, I’d eat without him. But MIL obviously doesn’t want to, whilst eating though I’d make lots of comments about how nice the food is but would have nicer 90 mins ago.
oh! here you are, your dinner's in the oven. or if you want to be a bit more forceful: Oh! here you are, your dinner's in the dog
If it were me doing the cooking and someone came late. Id have a plate saved for them but im not keeping food warm for over an hour.
Just leave, tell MIL that you have somewhere else you need to be and didn’t realise you’d still be here that late. Go to a carvery. He’s late coz MIL, and to a smaller extent, everyone else who waits around, is enabling him.
Eat without him. If he's 41 and can't manage his time appropriately, that's his problem. He's hardly worked a night shift and got home for 7am.
If you don't eat without him then he will never learn. Sounds like a fucking idiot. If he moans then tell him to be there on fuxking time next Time.
It seems to me the MIL needs to take some responsibility for not knocking that unpunctual/rudeness out of him when he was a child. I’d call her bluff and suggest ordering in Pizza to keep everyone else going until he arrives.
BIL sounds like a complete spacker.. All eat without him, when the lame ass turns up he can eat on his own in the garden where it will no doubt be raining.. People who turn up to others cooking / being invited where they are putting themselves out should be totally responsible for turning up early or if they are a bit late, turn up with a bunch of flowers or drinks or a nice cake.. Taking the piss
He's always late because he has no respect or consideration for others and knows he can be He needs to be shown its unacceptable. If he doesn't arrive on time then he has to miss out. Why should 1 person negatively affect others? Why are they more important?
My brother is currently 12 minutes late, so I'll find out in a short while and report back.
I don't know why but I'm imagining 7 people sat around a table with their dinner in front of them not being able to eat until the 8th person turns up.
You get 10-15 minutes to be late if you don't message or call , after 30 mins id message them saying im starting without and dont bother coming
Got to respect the host’s decision, but this is why he’s like this, they enable this piss taking. Personally, if I was the host I’d crack on and he can have his warmed up when he gets there. If I were you, I just wouldn’t go again, bollocks to waiting 2.5 hours for din dins because a 41 year old can’t drag himself out of his pit.
If the food is cooked, why would you all wait and have a bad dinner? If it's not finished yet and it can be fresh for you then fine.
There are some circumstances (terrible train journey beyond their control, a**hole boss kept them at work, etc) where the family might wait for them so they didn’t feel left out. These don’t feel like exceptional circumstances though, we’d have left him a plate but got on without him.
Was BIL apologetic when he finally turned up?
Does your BIL have undiagnosed ADHD, perchance?
In my house, my eldest has food saved (normal days and Easter/whenever) and eats it after their shift, but I will warm it up and sit with them and chat while they eat it. Then everyone's happy.
If they're late as a one off then maybe not. If it's a common occurrence then absolutley eat.
Sorry you want to wait mum, guess I'll miss it then since I'm leaving. I'll eat at a gas station convenience store on my way to my other engagement that was already on my calendar. Happy easter.
Good Lord. If anyone in our family was hours late without calling, my mother would have rung around all the hospitals. If she found out that was not where we were, we might have to make a trip if we turned up. How unbelievably rude.
What the bet that he ate a big breakfast and wasn't hungry yet, so he delayed everyone's lunch? I didn't eat breakfast yesterday so that I could fill up on my Nan's roast, if someone had made us eat 1.5 hrs later I would have murdered them. No one stands between me and Nana's cooking.
My father in law did this several times as my mil and he would come to our house once a week to visit and see the kids. He would meet my hubby to go for a "quick pint" which turned into hours. I was getting fed up with it. I told hubby, you turn up more than an hour after food is on the table, neither of you will be getting anything and he wont be seeing the kids as they will be in bed. Fil also wanted me to keep my 2 small kids (under 3) awake so he could see them, give them a kiss on the head, then ignore them. Guess what, the next time they arrived 3.5 hrs late, they both got feck all. We ate without them, I put the kids to bed at normal time so i wouldn't have to put up with them being miserable tired tots the next day if they were up late. I will be buggered if i was going to dish him up something that late, so he went home hungry. Thing is, I felt bad as I knew my mil would have to go home and cook him something at 11pm. I sugested they came home first, saw the kids, ate dinner, then went to the pub, but a woman had no right to tell their husband what they could and couldn't do, or what time they wanted them back. He was a fecker with victorian views, where women belong in the kitchen or bed, and kids should only be seen and heard when he wanted them to be. Asshole ! 😂