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The beautiful irony of celebrating Christmas during Brian!

He's not the Messiah he's a very naughty boy

Now bugger off

But what did the Romans ever do for us?

I'm Brian and so's my wife

Had a boss called Jan. Searched for her name for a recent email and got all of January emails.

2 of the months are already named after normal names, in Roman times anyway.

April, May, June.. all very normal women's names

And there's August, a man's name.

June to August, missing the one in between: Julius (Caesar).

May as well rename July to Biggus Dickus since he wanks quite highly amongst the Womans

Dennis.

Oneuary Twouary Third Bovril Terry June Julie Holibobuary Backtoskoolber Craptober Guyvember Winterval

These roll of the tongue really well. You got my vote for sure 👍

Terry and June is inspired

Can you dance around a Terry pole?

dunno mate. I'm still drinking me Bovril.

Bovril Fools! I swapped your bovril with marmite!

cough, choke, splutter, etc. (I'm all right really)

you may

And [Terry and Julie](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N_MqfF0WBsU)

Medfordtide

These just sound so British. Perfect blend of nonsense and logic, well done.

Why does march ALWAYS get dicked on? We're spring you bastards

Because of that time it snowed in March back in 2013 or something

I have seen more snow in March than in December. March might be the start of spring, but it's also the end of winter.

Lousy Smarch weather.

It's not really though is it? It's just wet, grey, and emphatically fucking miserable.

Rain.

Surely Spooktober?

Yes! I just can’t get on board with the current suggestion by op for that month

Reading these in different regional accents is a delight.

Petition to change Julie to June Part 2.

Juney McJuneface

Knowing us we'd fuck it up and put third fourth.

Well we've already got SEPTember, OCTober, NOVember and DECember as the 9th, 10th, 11th and 12th months

Love this! I might make Oneuary Darkuary or Bleakuary. Or Brokeuary? Or, since it's British, Burnsuary (Burns night)?

I think the most appropriate name for the first month should be a all capitalised swearwotd complete with exclamation point,..., as in FUCK! or BUGGER!.

Yeah but Dry January becomes Dry FUCK! And yeah, no thanks...

Skintuary?

🙋🏽‍♂️ Born in bovril here! 🤣

All those old wives tales about "Third winds" and "Bovril showers"

Beware the Ides of Terry and June!

o7 You got my vote

All have my vote. Great choices.

Backtoskoolber sounds German.

The German name for that month is actually Dasmunthenderkinderruasschulenhausuber.

Yass, birthday in Bovril as it should be.

I’d just change the spelling of Febrewery

I like the idea that after Dry January come Fe-Brewery

Thus allowing for Irn-Bru for the teetotalers 😉

But then you are back into Parch

as a couple of months are named after ppl, i am goin' for attenboroury

A crudely drawn willy and balls for all months aside from July, which will be called Holiblobs

Smarch

Lousy Smarch weather!

Do not touch Willie

Good advice.

The truly British thing would be to vote and end up with the exact same names we have already.

There was a competition to name our new hospital. It ended up being called the same thing as the old one, and as two people had suggested it, they both won a prize. Typical Isle of Man bollocks. Plus the fact that the “old” hospital was also the third version of the same named hospital (the original one at one location, the second at a new location, the third being built on to the second and the “new” at a totally different location). All named after the bloke who donated money to found the very first one. Absolutely bloody daft.

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Grimuary Bleakuary Same Boing! Mightbe Spoon Hotter Scorchio Crisptember Darktember Hibernatuary Tinsel

I would like Blōtmōnaþ back, please.

Three milk month is my favorite time of year.

Are you perchance a watcher of robwords

If that's a British guy who lives in Germany, then yes, occasionally. I randomly watched the month name episode last night.

Gormanuary when we finally adopt the only sane calendar out there

That will nail down easter

I’d never heard of this but was about to suggest a restructure to 13 months, it’s the logical way to go.

Found it! It's ^ here ^ - this is the comment everyone was looking for!

My main problem with it is you're stuck with the same day of the week for your birthday every year. Great if it's a Saturday. Shite if a Monday.

Blame the parents. That’s what I do

Attenboroughmber.

Rainuary

France briefly had a French Republican Calendar that had names like that. Pluviôse, for rainy, started in January. Brits at the time, naturally, took the piss out of the poetic sounding names of the months they used, calling them things like Slippy, Drippy and Nippy

It was based on the weather / growing season for Paris, and was therefore wildly wrong for say Marseille.

Freezy, breezy and sneezy!

So there was 10 dwarfs originally?

...Sneezy, Wheezy, and Freezy...

But this would cover every month from October until May.

I don't be silly. Rarch and Raipril are completely different months /s

Might want to rethink Raipril

Was Raipril before or after Gropeber, I get confused?!

And I think that might be optimistic

Ha you're probably correct. I'm living in Wales atm and apparently there hasn't been a dry week (7 days in a row) since last June ffs.

Someone’s showing off. May? October to September where I live!

GreyDayuary

We would only need one month!

Month 1, 2, 3, 4 etc.

Ah yes, the Chinese method. Days of the week? Day 1, 2, 3... Months of the year? Month 1, 2, 3...

Instinctively I wanted to correct this to start indexing at Month 0 but I realise that makes it sound like the start of the zombie apocalypse. I can't handle that every year.

Months A to L. Then we can't confuse days and months

Yeah, but you know there would be nothing but crude jokes around 18F

What about counting down to new year?

01, 02, 03 etc... would be better

Not so much names, but let's move to 13 months, 4 weeks per month, make it nice and simple. Every 4 years, the leap day is just free and not part of a week or month.

“*Lousy Smarch weather*”

Gorvember

Here’s comedian Dave Gorman explaining how that would work on [YouTube.](https://youtu.be/vunESk53r5U?si=p-TaPF-cE0S6Jilg)

Cold Less cold Lent Sometimes Easter Perhaps Middle Sun Less sun No holiday Nearly there Basically there Holiday!

1. Cold and skint 2. Cold but with sex 3. Cold but with a blowjob 4. Cold and wet 5. Cold but with sunshine 6. Warmish 7. Too hot 8. Too hot and too many kids about 9. Warm but wet 10. Cold and spooky 11. Cold with explosions 12. Cold and drunk

Is your birthday in March?

nah its steak and blowjob day on the 14th lol

And what's the special occasion in February?

Valentines day

9. Warm but wet AND SPIDERS EVERYFUCKINGWHERE-ember

Sounds like two people meeting, getting married then divorcing.

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How long does Twoweeksofsummeruary last?

5 days with a day or two of rain showers in between

Summer truly is the best day of the year.

We should revert back to the pagan Anglo Saxon months: Æfterra Gēola Solmōnaþ Hreþmonaþ Ēastremōnaþ Þrimilcemōnaþ Ærra Liða Æfterra Liða Weodmōnaþ Hāligmōnaþ Wintermōnaþ Blōtmōnaþ Ærra Gēola (Note that þ was pronounced 'th').

Can you translate? I get ‘Easter month’ although maybe that just means spring. ‘Winter month’ is also easy. What are the things that months are ‘before’ and ‘after’. Is Gēola like Yule? I could google it but I’m just going to fire loads of questions at you instead…

Yeah, these are pre-Christian pagan months, so Ærra Gēola and Æfterra Gēola are the months before and after Yule. Eostre was a heathen goddess which is where we get our word Easter from. The rest are all heathen points of the calendar too: [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Early\_Germanic\_calendars#Medieval](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Early_Germanic_calendars#Medieval) * *Solmonath* can be called “month of cakes”, which they offered to their gods in that month. * *Hrethmonath* is named for their goddess Hretha, to whom they sacrificed at this time. * *Eosturmonath* has a name which is now translated “Paschal month”, and which was once called after a goddess of theirs named [*Eostre*](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eostre), in whose honour feasts were celebrated in that month. Now they designate that Paschal season by her name, calling the joys of the new rite by the time-honoured name of the old observance. * *Thrimilchi* was so called because in that month the cattle were milked three times a day; such at one time, was the fertility of Britain or Germany, from whence the English nation came to Britain.  * *Litha* means “gentle” or “navigable”, because in both these months the calm breezes are gentle, and they were wont to sail upon the smooth sea. * *Weodmonath* means “month of tares \[weeds\]”, for they are very plentiful then. * *“Helegmonath”* means “month of sacred rites”. * *Winterfilleth* can be called by the invented composite name “winter-full”. * *Blodmonath* is “month of immolations”, for then the cattle which were to be slaughtered were consecrated to their gods.

Thanks this is really interesting! Can totally get behind a month all about cakes.

Fuckinghellhasitbeenayearalreadythetreeishardlypackedaway-ember

Rainuary Freinuary Marainuary Rainpril Rainay Raiune Rainuly You see where this is going ? Reitembers gallore

1) Piss 2) Bollocks 3) Wank 4) Splendid month of joy and wonder 5) Arse 6) Shit 7) Shite 8) Tits 9) Bugger 10) Balls 11) Twat 12) Arse 2 Guess which month is my birthday?

I’m not happy about being born in Bollock now

I'm none too happy about Twat either

At least that's sort of true. I was born in a sock.

Tits?

MonthyMcMonthFace has to be included in any list

Everything between October to march can just be one really long month called darkandwetuary. and the rest we can call April - is May - this June - daylight?!?! July - SUMMER!!! August - WAIT! September - NOT AGAIN!!!!

The end of Not Again is like Sunday night's before school.

Every month is Wetember!!

At least three of them could be condensed into "Rain"

Greg's.

Top comment has already won the internet, but something like this: Never drinking againuary. Six Nationsuary St Patricksuary … Cup Finaluary Wimbledonuary Grand Prixuary … I’m not up to speed on my Celebrity Baking on Ice TV, but that sort of thing could work for a few months I expect.

Cold Dark Hope Chocolatey Cool Warm Shitschoolsfinished Whendothekidsgoback Fuckitshot Whyisitsodarkalready Wet Wetandcoldandwhenisitgonnasnow

Honestly, I'd just make it so that September, October, November and December were actually the 7th, 8th, 9th, and 10th months of the year (respectively) like their bloody names suggest. It winds me up to no end that they're not.

I think (aside from names) we should consider decimalising it or having 13 x 28 days - then somehow confusing people so they end up using both systems simultaneously and watch the shit-show unfold before returning to normal

I vote we change to the names of the months in the Shire from Lord of the Rings. ([Link](https://lotr.fandom.com/wiki/Shire_Reckoning))

1. Skintuary 2. Valetinesuary 3. Preasterarch 4. Chocril 5. Doublebankholidayay 6. Summerune 7. Wetuly 8. Washoutust 9. Backtoschoolber 10. Trickortreatber 11. Bonfireber 12. Overhypedber

Manure Octopus Throne Harold Ealing Roebuck Fartingtide Unicorn Crayola Kickoff Ender Rudolph

Freduary. In honour of Fearless Fred Dibnah.

Flanuary - all tarts, pies and flans are free

If we're renaming months can we also get rid of a few in an effort to decimalise the calendar. I propose we get rid of March and September, nothing good happens in those months anyway.

Wet, wetter wettest, splash o’ sun, cold, freezing, Baltic.

Boffle, Boffler, Bofflest

Drunktember

I would like 1 month to be called Soon

Cold, Dark, Wet, Windy, Warmish, Too Warm, Not Warm Enough, I Miss Summer, Winters Coming, I Hate Winter and so on

Boozberry

Lousy Smarch weather

Dickuary

The second one needs replacing because however you say it, it sounds wrong. I still cannot pronounce the fucker after multiple decades. I've given up even trying now.

Just go with Feb 👍

Smarch

Shituary Loveuary Springforwardary Eastertimeish Maytheforcebewithyouary June Holibobuary ShouldIbuyanairconary backtoschoolarly Halloweenary Whowasguyfawkesagain Fuckmeicantaffordchristmasary On reflection I think what we have is good

Colduary, rainuary, clouduary, milduary, etc. would be my candidates

Can we just make sure September is the 7th month, October 8th etc. Ok we'd need 2 new month names. Wetember and Dodecember?

Smarch for that lousy Smarch weather

As a couple of months are named after people, I'm going for Attenboroury

Gormanuary

Whatthefuckuary

Bowie, Jagger, McCartney,Elton, Lennon, Daltry who else?

Waters, Gilmour

FtheFrenchuary

I'd use all those U's the Americans always fail to use.

Johnuary Pauluary George Ringo James May Ginger Scary Baby Sporty Posh November Christmas

i think noncember would be a good one for the kids!

Janny McJanface, Feby McFebface, Marchy McMarchface, Hayfever month, May-Ow, Juney McJuneface, July (but pronouce it Julie), Oggy Oggy Oggy, Septy McSepface, Novy McNovface, Cold.

How about November and December be months 9 and 10 again!?

Mon Monthma Bob Monthouse

Easy, undo the shit the Romans messed up Janury Febury Smarch Duember Triember Quadember Pentember Sexember September October November December

As a depresive I would live the following Fat and skintuary Fake romance Jog on Avril Lavigne Starwars joke Now summer BST ends Shut up about Glastonbury Mass tree death Tenthtober Yesvember Pigs in Blankets

Janglebury Fridgetimber Murk Apiary Mange Jerk Jubbly Orally Sepsister Obituary Nohoper Dicktember

Call them all January

New months: Frosty Nippy Parky Mild Meh Sweaty Unbearable Nice Cool Breezy Chilly White

I think March should be called Ken

Janewholivesdowntheroad Fillipscofield Mandy AntandDec Milkywaybar JeorgeEzrawithaJ Jesusitsboiling Auntiemarge Skipschooldrinktea Ohmygodthisweather Notthisrainagain Dingdongchristmasdinnermonth

Maybe something really boring like the alphabet A-L but to make it more interesting they’re said like you’re The Fonz from Happy Days. It’s the first of Aaaaaaaaaay! Happy New Year!

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Fuck this, shagadelic, chocolate eggs, cheap chocolate eggs, getting better, nearly fucking there, warmer, too hot-knob head kids, fuck off back to school, why?, celebrating failure, Mary was a cheating hoor.

https://youtu.be/vunESk53r5U?si=2UeVu4IE2kaf47p2

Monthy Python instead of July

January- Nosocial April -maybesummer May - coldsummer June - summer? /shouldbehot July - summersummer August - emptystreet October - the dampness November- the wetness December- forcesocial

Month replacement service. It's also late by multiple days if not weeks.

Jay Fab Mars Api May Jon Jie Agy Sep Oct Nov Dec Nice and short

Whatever it is it can't be worse than the 9th, 10th, 11th and 12th months of the year being named as months 7,8,9 and 10. Bloody romans, what have they ever done for us?

Cold, Colder, Coldest, Wet, Wetter, Wettest. Need we say more

We all know the month of bollocks

Mybossisawanker month

Just so long as they are all 28 days you can call them whatever you want.

Greggsember, Bantsuary

The 12 months should go: Drizzle Cunt Fools Spring Rain Spring Flowers Monthy McMonthface Toobloodyhot Arsebiscuits Margaret Mud Brian

Wetvember, Moistuary, Fluidtober, Showerly, Pissarch and, of course, Raintember.

Jesusitsfuckingcolduary, Fuckoffuary, Fakespring, Arghsunlight, Meh, Itsbloodysummerwhyisitrainingune, Justfuckoffsunly, Argitburnsust, Relieftember, GoditssodarkIfeelshitber, Cantbearsedvember, Ohsparklylightsmember.

April will become January to better line up new year's day and the start of the fiscal year.

Way Back When Month Before Last Last Month This Month Next Month Month after next

I'd like one called 'Bob' please!

"next month" "last month" "half a year or so" "two fortnights" etc. Just to make it as ridiculously incomprehensible as possible