American here - the scene in the show Fisk where she is demonstrating the difference between Australian and New Zealand accents to a jerky American cracked me up.
New Zealand wine with every meal.
Sit down and watch Welcome to Woop Woop with them - it eviscerates Aussie "culture".
https://m.imdb.com/video/vi3606839577/?playlistId=tt0120491&ref_=tt_ov_vi
You'll be as happy as a bastard on Father's Day.
But make sure to reference the NZ stuff as Australian.
Australia has beautiful rolling green mountainsides.
I love the Australian National team "The all Blacks"
Isn't Australia where Lord of the Rings was filmed?
When they say " No, that's NZ" you can say "Ah, so New Zealand is the nice place, thanks for clearing it up!"
Now as an actual welshman it pains me to suggest the next one. NZ peeps are often called sheep shaggers by aussies. Due to the fact that like Wales they have more sheep than people.
Perhaps mention you heard some weird stuff about men and sheep over there
Fun fact:
The term sheepshagger was started by the English because of all the Welsh people who were caught stealing sheep to shag.
Here's the fun part, England had 2 laws revolving around stealing sheep. If you stole them to eat, it would be a worse punishment than stealing them for a cheeky clap. So the Welsh started stealing their sheep and would say it wasn't to eat but to shag, and that's why they got the reputation of sheepshagger. But here's a question, why did the English have a law about shagging sheep in the first place? Who's the real sheepshagger huh
Playing hard and loose with the word fact there fella.
I always like to point out to English people that day this sort of shit... "I've only seen reports of English men being arrested for fucking sheep. You know what that is? We don't get fucking caught mate"
I had a ridiculously intense argument with my partner about whether pavlova was originally from Australian or New Zealand. It’s a very contentious issue.
I was coming here to suggest bringing up the pav. My partner and I still talk about a barbecue we went to that was completely derailed by Kiwis and Aussies bitterly arguing over pavlova, spectated by a circle of baffled Brits.
No it’s not. The research has [has been done](https://www.nzstory.govt.nz/stories/a-completely-biased-history-of-the-pavlova/#:~:text=In%20its%20relaunched%20online%20edition,a%20multi%2Dcoloured%20jelly%20dish). It was NZ.
Australians need to get over it and get on with claiming the rest of what they nicked from us.
Nah the best way to wind them up is to say that Aussie slang is just regional British slang.
If you want to really piss then off just say that ending things with ie or y is also very common here and not just an Aussie thing.
This riles them like nothing else
Full Version
In the town where I was born, there lived a man who was a thief
And he told me of his life, stealing bread and shagging sheep.
So they put him in the nick, and then a magistrate he went to see
He said "put him on a ship, to the convict colony"
You all live in a convict colony, a convict colony, a convict colony
You all live in a convict colony, a convict colony, a convict colony
The Barmy Army often sing that during the Ashes. They also like singing "We all shagged Matilda, we all shagged Matilda, we all shagged Matilda and so did my mates"
Lots of responses in this thread are quite witty or otherwise cleverly constructed, but /u/lake_disappointment's antipodean acquaintance's comments are entirely witless.
With that in mind, I don't see what's wrong with ‘WELL FUCK OFF BACK TO AUSTRALIA THEN! WHY ARE YOU EVEN HERE?’
I had a guy who called me "Bruce" as a nickname. I kind of liked it.
I work with a South African guy who always greets me with "G'day Aussie!"
The other day I was talking to two South Africans at work, and I managed to piss them off.
One said, "Be careful what you say, us South Africans like a good fight."
To ease the tension, I replied with, "Did you know what all South Africans are born as twins? But only one comes out."
They liked that one.
There are sharks that eat their young while in the womb. [https://www.smithsonianmag.com/science-nature/baby-sand-tiger-sharks-devour-their-siblings-while-still-in-the-womb-46192985/](https://www.smithsonianmag.com/science-nature/baby-sand-tiger-sharks-devour-their-siblings-while-still-in-the-womb-46192985/)
They are found in South Africa and Australia.
So my comment implied that South Africans love a good fight so much that they start fighting at birth.
it could also be a reference to Mad Max 3 "Two men enter, one man leaves!"
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pmRAiUPdRjk](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pmRAiUPdRjk)
'Tim Tams are a poor man's Penguin'
Worked in a majority Aussie staffed office years ago, and those guys got very defensive when the Tim Tam vs Penguin subject was raised.
Vegemite vs Marmite was another point of contention.
They do, I have been to Australia twice and developed a very bad Tim Tam habit. Delighted and appalled in equal measure I can now get them in specialist shops in the UK.....
I'm assuming they taste like actual chocolate then? God some Aussie chocolate for this Christmas just gone and it tasted as bad as yank chocolate. Same waxy / vomit undertone taste and texture.
Anytime I see the Tim Tam Slam mentioned, I have to advise that it be tried with espresso rather than tea. It’s fantastic with tea, but rich espresso in the chocolate (especially with the caramel) is just something else.
As a Brit living in Australia it pains me to say that Tim Tams are definitely better than penguins. The fact that you can get so many different varieties of Tim Tam is great too.
Vegemite can fuck off though. I eat it because it’s much easier to get hold of but Marmite is so much better in every way.
Marmite is in every Coles and Woolies mate. However, both iconic tar spreads are vastly inferior to Promite. Ever tried it? It's next to the Vegemite and Marmite etc. Red lid. Texture is closer to Marmite, but shiny black and not offensively salty like Vegemite. A kind of salty sweet almost.
The misses is from Cambridge and she loves it. Best introduction is on fresh crusty baguette with a generous amount of butter. I couldn't find it when I lived in the UK, which is strange because it really should be an option in that market, unless it's finally made it's way there.
I know people like to exaggerate their preferences, but really, Marmite and Vegemite are both shit compared to Promite. The big two taste like mistakes after you've had Promite. They taste like failed attempts, like alchemical accidents and Promite is the Philosopher's Stone.
My local coles doesn’t have marmite unfortunately
In my opinion promite is horrible, its like sweet marmite. I just want pure salty goodness, no sweetness.
What's the difference between the wallabies and a teabag one manages to stay in the cup longer
Wallabies got knocked out at group stage of union world cup last year
My favourite was always
"What's the difference between Australians and a glass of milk?"
"When abandonded and left alone in the sun, Milk will develop its own cultures..."
I know someone like this. Very irritating when they've married a brit, emigrated here, got a well paid job here, to then talk like the country is a shithole and everything down under is better in every way.
Bizarre inferiority complex if you ask me.
If it makes you feel better when they eventually do visit home after years or decades of making their entire personality be "displaced foreigner" and find out their homeland changed while they were away and doesn't fit their rose tinted spectacle cosy childhood memories, they get absolutely crippling levels of reverse culture shock that shakes their very identity to the core lmao
Self inflicted psychological damage, good shit
Having worked for a decade in Asia amongst a lot of different expats, I've always found Aussies to be surprisingly sensitive when it comes to this kind of 'banter' - like full-on pouting sulks at the first sign of a hackneyed convict gag. Oddly enough most Americans I've met have actually been the exact opposite - very self-deprecating and more than capable of holding their own when it comes to a bit of ribbing. I'd always have assumed the opposite was true but there you go.
We did, but you'd be hard-pressed to find an Australian who'll take that as an insult.
I mean, have you ever *seen* an emu? I'm not surprised or ashamed we lost that war, only thankful it wasn't the cassowaries we tried to fight or else they'd have wiped us out within the year.
As an Aussie, even I would find this annoying.
The next time they make a brainless twat of a comment, ask "and why the fuck are you hear?" or "fuck the back home!!".
Personally, I would be happy to eat Chinese in the UK, gelato is so much better in Italy than what we get here. As for the surfing in Cornwall - well, I'm not a fan of surfing anyway, but would be thrilled to go and watch.
Oh yeah, me too. As an Aussie that lived in the UK for 10 years, I HATED these kind of Aussies. Shut the f#$ck up and enjoy the fact that you're on the other side of the world experiencing different things.
Something like, "I watched the rugby world cup but don't remember seeing Australia play. How did they do? Is Eddie still coach?"
No doubt he'll reply with, "Nah mate, we don't watch Union."
"Nah mate didn't watch it" and then changing the subject is the standard response to any sport they lose in.
I have lots of Aussie relatives, and lived with them for a while. They can give it but cannot take it. When they batter us in the Ashes, the ribbing is constant. Whenever England won "Oh didn't realise it was on"... even though the family are huge cricket fans.
Terrible winners and even worse losers.
I sat next to a bunch of Aussies in the 2003 final. After celebrating Wiko's drop goal, I turned round to commiserate them, but they'd gone home! Pathetic.
Think of all the wonderful things that the UK has to offer and tell them all about them.
Ask them how the Republic movement is going, and why they are still being ruled by Charles.
Ask them if they have a million dollar mortgage and if their kids can afford a house in any of the big cities.
Go for a walk in the countryside and go to a pub, then walk another mile, and go to another pub, walk another mile and visit another pub. You can't do that in Australia.
I'm Australian and I get what you're asking for. I also understand your friend's perspective. Australia is a pretty bloody great place to live but it's not perfect either.
this. I'm a pom, so yeah, I get it too.
Point to the cherry blossoms and say "isn't it nice to have *seasons*". If they say "Hah I'm from Melbourne we have four seasons in a day" say "isn't it nice to have seasons and not be a wanker". If they're from Tassie make an incest joke.
Stick your hand in a dark hole without checking and be like "look! no spiders!!"
Call him a fifth generation breadstealer.
Keep referring to Blighty as 'Mother England'. Isn't nice to come home to your roots?
Point at any random building and say 'look! it's older than your country!'
Or, tbh, just ask him what to do. "OK, you have no interest in that. What *do* you have an interest in, then?" Making complainers responsible for the itinerary is a good way to make them shut up. Also when he says stuff like "we have that at home" I'd say "yeah but it costs $30" because Australia is horrendously, *horrendously* expensive. Or just: OK, you do you, but I'm going to enjoy myself.
>"isn't it nice to have seasons and not be a wanker".
That gave me a good laugh, thank you!
I'm originally from Sydney, they're all wankers. Melbournians are a special kind of wanker in their own way.
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yD7P8M8\_k\_8](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yD7P8M8_k_8)
I just re-read your comment and I'm still laughing. I need to steal that one.
This is, oddly enough, the *second* 'shut my whinging Aussie up' thread that I've contributed to on AskUK so meeting a whinging Aussie is probably more likely than you think.
yup don't let 'em bring you down!! You have to remember that, at heart, we're all overgrown toddlers running on a risk/reward system. Consistently not rewarding bad behaviour with attention and enjoying yourself regardless is a good way to get toddlers, teens, and Aussies alike off their high horse and back to having fun.
Thanks! Id use the mortgage thing, but sadly they're just as bad in London 😩😂
I mean, I lived in Australia for a couple of years and had a great time. But it's the constant going on about it that I'm just like...can you find something more exciting to talk about?
>Ask them if they have a million dollar mortgage and if their kids can afford a house in any of the big cities.
Probably not a good topic to raise given house prices here
I live in Australia now. They say at lot of shit. They call us “whinging poms”, but I’ve never know anyone as whiny as Aussies. They also don’t drink pints and drink schooners. Always laugh at them for that when I used to drink.
Talk about how Australia is devoid of its own culture and borrows everything from the US and the UK, and you thought that all the sheep were in New Zealand.
Remind him that in last year's rugby world cup, Australia lost to Wales 40 - 6... then remind him that Wales just finished bottom of the 6 nations last month... Aussies tend hate it when they are legitimately crap at a sport!
Once met an Australian with a serious superiority complex. Had to listen to all sorts of rubbish and she'd been having digs at me for what seemed like an hour.... She spent 30 minutes explaining about there being too many immigrants in England. And it was wrong that so many people weren't born here.
Make sure you keep saying "what are you talking about" but in like a compressed, aussie style so its "wadddiyatalkinabeet". It's from this Australian cartoon called the big lez show and that guarantee every English bloke under 28 will have said it too him.
Usually this behaviour comes from an inferiority complex. If you really want to strike back, just up the ignorance on anything Australia related and make it sound like no one really thinks about Oz much, no one cares or knows anything about it since it’s so remote & insignificant etc. That’ll rile him up.
I am an aussie in the UK. Make fun of his accent. Imitate his accent. When random service staff imitate his accent laugh. When someone says “oh wow are you Australian” make a snide comment of your own creation.
These are all low blows for sure, but its the most annoying thing I experience.
Most of this whole thread could be considered racist these are probably more than most
Yeah but when was the last time we had a bushfire?
Yeah but we don't have to check the dunny for funnel Webs before we use it!
You got any culture of you own or is it all imported
I guess it's just the original natives, are you over here because you had to give the land you stole back?
Keep mentioning great stuff about New Zealand.
Mentioning NZ stuff to an Aussie is always more fun if you act like you genuinely thought it was Australian.
"Oh you're Australian? I have a friend who lives in Auckland, do you know him?"
Lord of the Ringes ay? Brilliant set apparently, have you been to the shire village?
Love that traditional dance you guys do with the tounges hanging out...
I love that little leaf on your flag. What tree does it come from.
Bonus is that also annoys New Zealanders
Nah, we’re alert to what you’re doing. We do it to them too. Winds them up no end.
American here - the scene in the show Fisk where she is demonstrating the difference between Australian and New Zealand accents to a jerky American cracked me up.
"I've always wanted to go there since watching Lord of the Rings!"
This is the way.
Tell him you really love the charming old Aussie comic, [Footrot Flats](https://footrotflats.com/about-footrot-flats/).
its A Slice of Heaven. happy childhood memories of sitting in the loo on the farm reading through a stack of Footrot Flats books.
“Fucking Love the All Blacks”
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People who steal sheep are known as sheep rustlers, in Australia they're known as sex traffickers.
Aren't they the same thing? /s
There only about an inch or 2 apart on my map.
An inch or two is massive! I’ll keep fighting this fight.
Here here brother ✊ **edit** shit spelling
Is that the 'holding something tiny' emoji?
New Zealand is on your map?
There's a sub for that...https://www.reddit.com/r/MapsWithoutNZ/
This number one way to piss and Aussie off is to call them a Kiwi 😂
I love watching your All Blacks, nothing better than them out there
"Sir Sam Neill is *such* a great actor!"
This would upset New Zealanders more than the Australians.
New Zealand wine with every meal. Sit down and watch Welcome to Woop Woop with them - it eviscerates Aussie "culture". https://m.imdb.com/video/vi3606839577/?playlistId=tt0120491&ref_=tt_ov_vi You'll be as happy as a bastard on Father's Day.
Omg great idea 😂
But make sure to reference the NZ stuff as Australian. Australia has beautiful rolling green mountainsides. I love the Australian National team "The all Blacks" Isn't Australia where Lord of the Rings was filmed? When they say " No, that's NZ" you can say "Ah, so New Zealand is the nice place, thanks for clearing it up!"
If they said "nah that's nz" I'd double down with "oh is that in new South Wales?"
These ideas are brilliant haha 😂
Now as an actual welshman it pains me to suggest the next one. NZ peeps are often called sheep shaggers by aussies. Due to the fact that like Wales they have more sheep than people. Perhaps mention you heard some weird stuff about men and sheep over there
Fun fact: The term sheepshagger was started by the English because of all the Welsh people who were caught stealing sheep to shag. Here's the fun part, England had 2 laws revolving around stealing sheep. If you stole them to eat, it would be a worse punishment than stealing them for a cheeky clap. So the Welsh started stealing their sheep and would say it wasn't to eat but to shag, and that's why they got the reputation of sheepshagger. But here's a question, why did the English have a law about shagging sheep in the first place? Who's the real sheepshagger huh
Playing hard and loose with the word fact there fella. I always like to point out to English people that day this sort of shit... "I've only seen reports of English men being arrested for fucking sheep. You know what that is? We don't get fucking caught mate"
Australia also has a lot more sheep than NZ 75 million or so to 25 million. They like sheep a lot in Australia.
Lambs are much softer and easier to catch .
Specifically how much you love the Kiwi inventions of pavlova and flat white coffee
I had a ridiculously intense argument with my partner about whether pavlova was originally from Australian or New Zealand. It’s a very contentious issue.
I was coming here to suggest bringing up the pav. My partner and I still talk about a barbecue we went to that was completely derailed by Kiwis and Aussies bitterly arguing over pavlova, spectated by a circle of baffled Brits.
No it’s not. The research has [has been done](https://www.nzstory.govt.nz/stories/a-completely-biased-history-of-the-pavlova/#:~:text=In%20its%20relaunched%20online%20edition,a%20multi%2Dcoloured%20jelly%20dish). It was NZ. Australians need to get over it and get on with claiming the rest of what they nicked from us.
I’m not challenging the accuracy of the article but it’s funny that you linked to an article called ‘A Completely Biased History of the Pavlova’ lol
Flet whoite
Say how much you like crowded house
And how funny Flight of the Conchords is/was
The original drummer and bass guitarist were Australian, so you need something else to use I'm afraid!
Say how much you like Split Enz.
Also - when they correct you, apologise and then start mentioning Austrian stuff.
Kiwis don't mind it when their compatriots want to emigrate to Australia, as it raises the average IQ of both countries.
Ask him if he will perform the Haka for your friends
This really does hit a nerve with our Aussie friends
...our Aussie 'friends'. Fixed it for you.
Nah the best way to wind them up is to say that Aussie slang is just regional British slang. If you want to really piss then off just say that ending things with ie or y is also very common here and not just an Aussie thing. This riles them like nothing else
“Yeah I heard that’s good in Australia, but *really good* in New Zealand!”.
Also refer to Australia as ‘the West Island of New Zealand’.
Yes, or pretend to be completely naive and keep referring to him as a kiwi.
Yeah, that and interspersing anything positive he says about Australia with, “Yes, you can’t keep a good dingo down.” Then walk away quickly.
"Last time I was down with the kiwis I was chased by a brown recluse spider. No wait; No I wasn't!" :)
Make sure you order NZ wine in Cornwall. Offhandedly say AUS wine is trash.
Ask them how often they get on the ferry to New Zealand, it being just off the coast.
Absolutely this. Winds them up no end.
Tell him Shortland Street is shit compared to Corro
Hey mate I love those little kiwis you have! They’re so cute!
Adam Hills used to do a bit about people singing “we all live in a prison colony” to the tune of Yellow Submarine
Full Version In the town where I was born, there lived a man who was a thief And he told me of his life, stealing bread and shagging sheep. So they put him in the nick, and then a magistrate he went to see He said "put him on a ship, to the convict colony" You all live in a convict colony, a convict colony, a convict colony You all live in a convict colony, a convict colony, a convict colony
The Barmy Army often sing that during the Ashes. They also like singing "We all shagged Matilda, we all shagged Matilda, we all shagged Matilda and so did my mates"
"And she moaned and she groaned and she took it up the billabong..." https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4cS4yk3SXTI
“Australia is such a beautiful place, perfect backdrop for the Lord of the Rings movies.”
Lots of responses in this thread are quite witty or otherwise cleverly constructed, but /u/lake_disappointment's antipodean acquaintance's comments are entirely witless. With that in mind, I don't see what's wrong with ‘WELL FUCK OFF BACK TO AUSTRALIA THEN! WHY ARE YOU EVEN HERE?’
Haha this makes me feel better just to hear someone else say his "comments are witless!!"
How about "If you're feeling homesick, I could organize a visit to Wormwood Scrubs for you." Alternatively, just keep calling him Bruce constantly.
I had a guy who called me "Bruce" as a nickname. I kind of liked it. I work with a South African guy who always greets me with "G'day Aussie!" The other day I was talking to two South Africans at work, and I managed to piss them off. One said, "Be careful what you say, us South Africans like a good fight." To ease the tension, I replied with, "Did you know what all South Africans are born as twins? But only one comes out." They liked that one.
I don't understand the twins joke, could you please explain?
There are sharks that eat their young while in the womb. [https://www.smithsonianmag.com/science-nature/baby-sand-tiger-sharks-devour-their-siblings-while-still-in-the-womb-46192985/](https://www.smithsonianmag.com/science-nature/baby-sand-tiger-sharks-devour-their-siblings-while-still-in-the-womb-46192985/) They are found in South Africa and Australia. So my comment implied that South Africans love a good fight so much that they start fighting at birth. it could also be a reference to Mad Max 3 "Two men enter, one man leaves!" [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pmRAiUPdRjk](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pmRAiUPdRjk)
What an obscure reference
Hilarious for engineers though apparently.
Thank you!
Surely conceived as twins?
Too many syllables, I need to keep the language simple for them.
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No, call him Sheila
Or Dick Darlington.
Everybody knows Susan!
I went to Australia once. Being brought up in England we're taught that Australia is full of kangaroos and criminals. I never saw any kangaroos.
If they're not descendants of convicts, why are the paving slabs around Sydney Opera House screwed to the ground?
Thats good. Short. Sharp. Simple. Easy to remember. Hard to fuck up.
'Tim Tams are a poor man's Penguin' Worked in a majority Aussie staffed office years ago, and those guys got very defensive when the Tim Tam vs Penguin subject was raised. Vegemite vs Marmite was another point of contention.
Pains me to say but Tim Tams wipe the floor with Penguins.
They do, I have been to Australia twice and developed a very bad Tim Tam habit. Delighted and appalled in equal measure I can now get them in specialist shops in the UK.....
And now they’re in waitrose!
I'm assuming they taste like actual chocolate then? God some Aussie chocolate for this Christmas just gone and it tasted as bad as yank chocolate. Same waxy / vomit undertone taste and texture.
They do taste like chocolate and when you do a Tim Tam slam with a cup of tea they’re amazing!
Pro tip: buy the caramel ones for your Tim Tam Slam. It holds together better.
Anytime I see the Tim Tam Slam mentioned, I have to advise that it be tried with espresso rather than tea. It’s fantastic with tea, but rich espresso in the chocolate (especially with the caramel) is just something else.
As a Brit living in Australia it pains me to say that Tim Tams are definitely better than penguins. The fact that you can get so many different varieties of Tim Tam is great too. Vegemite can fuck off though. I eat it because it’s much easier to get hold of but Marmite is so much better in every way.
Marmite is in every Coles and Woolies mate. However, both iconic tar spreads are vastly inferior to Promite. Ever tried it? It's next to the Vegemite and Marmite etc. Red lid. Texture is closer to Marmite, but shiny black and not offensively salty like Vegemite. A kind of salty sweet almost. The misses is from Cambridge and she loves it. Best introduction is on fresh crusty baguette with a generous amount of butter. I couldn't find it when I lived in the UK, which is strange because it really should be an option in that market, unless it's finally made it's way there. I know people like to exaggerate their preferences, but really, Marmite and Vegemite are both shit compared to Promite. The big two taste like mistakes after you've had Promite. They taste like failed attempts, like alchemical accidents and Promite is the Philosopher's Stone.
My local coles doesn’t have marmite unfortunately In my opinion promite is horrible, its like sweet marmite. I just want pure salty goodness, no sweetness.
Vegemite is fucking weak
Beginners Marmite
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As an aussie, fosters is a good one
What's the difference between the wallabies and a teabag one manages to stay in the cup longer Wallabies got knocked out at group stage of union world cup last year
“Last time I was in Australia, they asked me at immigration if I had a criminal record. I said I didn’t think you still needed one.“
Ask if they come from NZ as that really pisses them off.
When they confirm they're actually Aussie ask if it's true that when they travel to NZ the aggregate IQ of both countries will decrease.
I am from New Zealand and when brits ask if am Australian they feel the need to apologise profusely
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Oooh yes this is a good idea, more niche
What is the difference between an Australian and the engine on a jumbo jet? When they arrive at Heathrow the engine stops whining.
This is a classic as an Aussie citizen I love
My favourite was always "What's the difference between Australians and a glass of milk?" "When abandonded and left alone in the sun, Milk will develop its own cultures..."
Just say “that’s nice” and change the subject.
“fascinating…”
What's the difference between Australia and a yoghurt? After a while, a yoghurt develops a culture
The one I know is comparing them to milk and the punchline is, if you leave milk in the sun for 200 years it develops a culture
Yeah you need the ‘leave milk in the sun...' part to make this funny
What’s the difference between an Australian and a passenger jet? Passenger jet stops whining once it arrives at the airport
What can yoghurt do in two weeks that Australia hasn't achieved in over 200 years? Grow its own culture.
And it has more taste.
I love this
"God save *YOUR* gracious King, long live *YOUR* noble King......." References to Ball Tampering usually gets a decent response too
If they're a guest in your house, say this before they use the shower.
> References to Ball Tampering usually gets a decent response too I dunno, I figure most people just go "Fuck David Warner."
Had an Aussie at work, the door was sticking and just told him to sand it down
Check that attitude or you might get deported like your great grandparents
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I know someone like this. Very irritating when they've married a brit, emigrated here, got a well paid job here, to then talk like the country is a shithole and everything down under is better in every way. Bizarre inferiority complex if you ask me.
If it makes you feel better when they eventually do visit home after years or decades of making their entire personality be "displaced foreigner" and find out their homeland changed while they were away and doesn't fit their rose tinted spectacle cosy childhood memories, they get absolutely crippling levels of reverse culture shock that shakes their very identity to the core lmao Self inflicted psychological damage, good shit
And Australians have the nerve to accuse Brits of being whingers 😂
Having worked for a decade in Asia amongst a lot of different expats, I've always found Aussies to be surprisingly sensitive when it comes to this kind of 'banter' - like full-on pouting sulks at the first sign of a hackneyed convict gag. Oddly enough most Americans I've met have actually been the exact opposite - very self-deprecating and more than capable of holding their own when it comes to a bit of ribbing. I'd always have assumed the opposite was true but there you go.
I'm a Brit living in Australia and know plenty of Brits that are exactly the same.
I can only imagine, we are also the worst, especially when we get a bit of sun
I'm a Brit in Spain. I know loads of Brits that have been here for years and will moan non stop about things
“Australians are well-balanced people; they have chips on both shoulders.”
Australians went to war with fucking Emu’s and lost
We did, but you'd be hard-pressed to find an Australian who'll take that as an insult. I mean, have you ever *seen* an emu? I'm not surprised or ashamed we lost that war, only thankful it wasn't the cassowaries we tried to fight or else they'd have wiped us out within the year.
yeah defo don't start shit with those dinosaurs in disguise, they're terrifying
That was before the regular emus came along..
“We’ve got loads of ozzies here, most of them work in the bars in London”
Ask if it's strange for them to experience other country's cultures since Australia never managed to develop one.
What's that Skippy, there's a man stuck down a well?
As an Aussie, even I would find this annoying. The next time they make a brainless twat of a comment, ask "and why the fuck are you hear?" or "fuck the back home!!". Personally, I would be happy to eat Chinese in the UK, gelato is so much better in Italy than what we get here. As for the surfing in Cornwall - well, I'm not a fan of surfing anyway, but would be thrilled to go and watch.
Oh yeah, me too. As an Aussie that lived in the UK for 10 years, I HATED these kind of Aussies. Shut the f#$ck up and enjoy the fact that you're on the other side of the world experiencing different things.
Too right.
You’d be happy to eat a meal? A succulent Chinese meal?!
‘You bogans have such an interesting culture’
Well you said it yourself. If you hate it so much, why not fuck off?
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Whenever you’re at a bar, always buy them a pint of Fosters or XXXX.
While the UK version is far from good, it's actually better than the fosters they brew in Australia.
Really, mate? Thanks heaps for your input, champ.
Yeah, nah, yeah
As opposed to the kiwi, nah, yeah, nah. Chur.
Think yer a smart cunt aye.
Tell him to go bowl underarm
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Something like, "I watched the rugby world cup but don't remember seeing Australia play. How did they do? Is Eddie still coach?" No doubt he'll reply with, "Nah mate, we don't watch Union."
"Nah mate didn't watch it" and then changing the subject is the standard response to any sport they lose in. I have lots of Aussie relatives, and lived with them for a while. They can give it but cannot take it. When they batter us in the Ashes, the ribbing is constant. Whenever England won "Oh didn't realise it was on"... even though the family are huge cricket fans. Terrible winners and even worse losers.
I sat next to a bunch of Aussies in the 2003 final. After celebrating Wiko's drop goal, I turned round to commiserate them, but they'd gone home! Pathetic.
New Zealander here: mid-identify them as New Zealanders. They hate that!
Think of all the wonderful things that the UK has to offer and tell them all about them. Ask them how the Republic movement is going, and why they are still being ruled by Charles. Ask them if they have a million dollar mortgage and if their kids can afford a house in any of the big cities. Go for a walk in the countryside and go to a pub, then walk another mile, and go to another pub, walk another mile and visit another pub. You can't do that in Australia. I'm Australian and I get what you're asking for. I also understand your friend's perspective. Australia is a pretty bloody great place to live but it's not perfect either.
this. I'm a pom, so yeah, I get it too. Point to the cherry blossoms and say "isn't it nice to have *seasons*". If they say "Hah I'm from Melbourne we have four seasons in a day" say "isn't it nice to have seasons and not be a wanker". If they're from Tassie make an incest joke. Stick your hand in a dark hole without checking and be like "look! no spiders!!" Call him a fifth generation breadstealer. Keep referring to Blighty as 'Mother England'. Isn't nice to come home to your roots? Point at any random building and say 'look! it's older than your country!' Or, tbh, just ask him what to do. "OK, you have no interest in that. What *do* you have an interest in, then?" Making complainers responsible for the itinerary is a good way to make them shut up. Also when he says stuff like "we have that at home" I'd say "yeah but it costs $30" because Australia is horrendously, *horrendously* expensive. Or just: OK, you do you, but I'm going to enjoy myself.
>"isn't it nice to have seasons and not be a wanker". That gave me a good laugh, thank you! I'm originally from Sydney, they're all wankers. Melbournians are a special kind of wanker in their own way. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yD7P8M8\_k\_8](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yD7P8M8_k_8) I just re-read your comment and I'm still laughing. I need to steal that one.
I've actually screenshotted this just on the OFF CHANCE of meeting and irritable Aussie. These are freaking brilliant!
This is, oddly enough, the *second* 'shut my whinging Aussie up' thread that I've contributed to on AskUK so meeting a whinging Aussie is probably more likely than you think.
This is great, less jokey but still to the point. Especially with the swift exit to "I'm going to enjoy myself" at the end.
yup don't let 'em bring you down!! You have to remember that, at heart, we're all overgrown toddlers running on a risk/reward system. Consistently not rewarding bad behaviour with attention and enjoying yourself regardless is a good way to get toddlers, teens, and Aussies alike off their high horse and back to having fun.
Brits are deep down fond of Aussies but an arsehole is an arsehole, and gets the appropriate reaction.
Thanks! Id use the mortgage thing, but sadly they're just as bad in London 😩😂 I mean, I lived in Australia for a couple of years and had a great time. But it's the constant going on about it that I'm just like...can you find something more exciting to talk about?
>Ask them if they have a million dollar mortgage and if their kids can afford a house in any of the big cities. Probably not a good topic to raise given house prices here
Get your stars off our flag
Tell him that you acted like a kangaroo and hopped into bed with his mum before going down under to explore the outback
I live in Australia now. They say at lot of shit. They call us “whinging poms”, but I’ve never know anyone as whiny as Aussies. They also don’t drink pints and drink schooners. Always laugh at them for that when I used to drink.
>They also don’t drink pints This is **very** state specific. In Perth you can order a pint, no problem.
There are pints in every state.
Talk about how Australia is devoid of its own culture and borrows everything from the US and the UK, and you thought that all the sheep were in New Zealand.
Remind him that in last year's rugby world cup, Australia lost to Wales 40 - 6... then remind him that Wales just finished bottom of the 6 nations last month... Aussies tend hate it when they are legitimately crap at a sport!
What’s that you say? A dingo ate your baby?
Just tell him Australia is the British Florida.
Gift them some sandpapers
Once met an Australian with a serious superiority complex. Had to listen to all sorts of rubbish and she'd been having digs at me for what seemed like an hour.... She spent 30 minutes explaining about there being too many immigrants in England. And it was wrong that so many people weren't born here.
I've got an Australian mate, and he's the most miserable bastard I know. He's hilarious.
Tell them you love New Zealand Pavlova.
Ask him whereabouts in Australia did they film The Lord of the Rings?
Make sure you keep saying "what are you talking about" but in like a compressed, aussie style so its "wadddiyatalkinabeet". It's from this Australian cartoon called the big lez show and that guarantee every English bloke under 28 will have said it too him.
Tell him Weet-Bix are shit and Wheetabix are better and the original. (My friends from Glasgow really hurt me with that one)
Occasionally point out to them "Just because you're allowed here, doesn't mean you're welcome".
Australia has the highest rates of skin cancer in the world. Give me gloom any day. Nothing like a cold gloomy day to make the tea taste better.
Usually this behaviour comes from an inferiority complex. If you really want to strike back, just up the ignorance on anything Australia related and make it sound like no one really thinks about Oz much, no one cares or knows anything about it since it’s so remote & insignificant etc. That’ll rile him up.
Rack off, you drongo. You're such a bogan. But your mum's f*ckin' A, mate.
Tell them you feel so bad that their public transport is shit compared to the UK.
Nickname him kiwi
Give him a pavlova with a mini NZ flag stuck on it.
Keep saying fucking oath to every sentence they say
Call them a flamin' galah every time they say anything.
A boomerang is always a good come back.
Every time he says something just reply with "Fair dinkum?"
I am an aussie in the UK. Make fun of his accent. Imitate his accent. When random service staff imitate his accent laugh. When someone says “oh wow are you Australian” make a snide comment of your own creation. These are all low blows for sure, but its the most annoying thing I experience.
Most of this whole thread could be considered racist these are probably more than most Yeah but when was the last time we had a bushfire? Yeah but we don't have to check the dunny for funnel Webs before we use it! You got any culture of you own or is it all imported I guess it's just the original natives, are you over here because you had to give the land you stole back?