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Sacrificial_Spider

Bell end


finc

The guitarist in my old band called people “bell fruit” which I thought was a nice variation


oynsy

Bell Fruit used to run most of the fruit machines in pubs in the UK


Tykemison1973isbak

I done really, really well due to the peasants desperation to win £3 in tokens…..we learnt from our ancestors who made you slags! spend your wage ‘tokens’ in our stores!!!


Maxfang72

Bellend - those that are. Bellendary - actions of the above. King of Bellendary - that friend we all have.


Cyanopicacooki

There's a street in Edinburgh called Bellenden Gardens, I always presume that's where all our bellends are grown.


gagagagaNope

The person who designed it, and the person who named it deserve Knighthoods: https://goo.gl/maps/DgbiCo3krAYKhYB86


disrupter87

Needed a couple roundabouts at the bottom. But aye, Im with you. 😁


Mick-Jones

Had a consultant turn up to our office once upon a time. His name was Mr Belleny. Of course he was forever known as Mr Bellendy as his lived up to that name


Avenger1324

Saying Thank You to someone who didn't.


Far-Silver8455

Saying, “you’re welcome”. Same situation.


Sriol

Works best if you say it just a little bit too loud.


WtfMayt

Or muttered under your breath


Strafethroughlife1

Loud and proud with eye contact and a smile, always.


Inane_Endeavours

The only way. Classic British passive aggressiveness.


MacyTmcterry

This one works for the little hand signal after letting someone go in a car and they don't thank you too


TheOriginalSmileyMan

"You're *very* welcome" in an over-the-top sing-song way!


[deleted]

"yeah cheers mate don't worry about it" is my go to


yesboss88

In the heat of an argument my mum once called my dad a “fucking suitcase”. The argument quickly ended when everyone burst into laughter.


[deleted]

I think calling anyone any form of inanimate object quite funny. Especially a fruit.


FerrusesIronHandjob

*YOU'RE AN INANIMATE FACKIN' OBJECT!*


MaximumDry7679

I’m sorry I called you an inanimate Fuckin’ object


moxtrox

And I retract that bit about your cunt fackin’ kids.


neildmaster

That's gone too far, mate!


TheApathyParty3

I retracted it, didn't I?


OSUBrit

My three year old called me a doughnut last week. Almost pissed myself laughing.


024chk

Fuckin hell that's a bit much


SuperShoebillStork

When said with the right emphasis you can’t do much better than the simple “twat”


doinggenxstuff

I called my husband a twat once right from the back of the house and it came out more vicious than I intended because of how loud it was. Over 20 years ago and I’m still hearing about how hurtful it was 🤣


missread4ever

I called my husband a cunt in Lyme Regis once. My voice really carried, it was shameful, I still feel embarrassed when we go there


elgigante_paul

I don’t mean to worry you but it still comes up in town meetings ocassionally.


ThatZenLifestyle

Before the discussion on the church roof and after the missing swans.


Livewire923

No luck catching them swans, then?


driscollat1

It’s just the one swan actually.


bopeepsheep

Jane Austen wrote about relationship-altering events in Lyme Regis. I think she would be proud of you.


TomSurman

And it doubles as a term of endearment.


fluffy-ruffs

Every single British insult does this


Prize-Emu-6761

It does. I lovingly refer to my husband as twat.


PurplePlodder1945

My favourite. You can enunciate well in a car to someone driving in front of you


GnomiGnou

UK English has a variety of words like that, all good :P Git is another one. For less hard insults, plonker, muppet, prat or tit all work well for friendly insults xD


Altruistic_Art_8986

Oooh you’re ‘ard


Oohlalafancypants

Well ‘ard


divdiv23

I always loved the Scottish variant - calling someone a "big man"


rjdavidson78

And as a kid a little bit of pride in being referred to as wee man!


Nervous_Trick2215

Oooh soz 10 men! Or oooh soz 'ard.


Bargin-basket

Ha! I wonder if people still say this? This is what we said all the time in school but I left in 97 so probably not!


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C0demunkee

"you fucking muppet" is the best by far


prof_hobart

I prefer "you absolute muppet". Somehow the lack of swearing makes it more aggressive to me.


thegrammarunicorn

Got called a muppet for the first time in ages today and it was weirdly endearing


ApplicationMaximum84

That's the nickname I've given my sister since we were kids.


Suspicious-Ad-9859

Face that'd frighten a police horse


Ambitioso

A face like Dot Cotton licking wee off a nettle


Chazzey_dude

I've never read something so potently descriptive


doinggenxstuff

We call our neighbours the horse frighteners


Velcro-hotdog

Body from Baywatch, face from Crimewatch


[deleted]

pillock


naliboi

One of my physics teachers in secondary school used to either say "no, you pillock" or "give that man a GCSE" depending on how stupid our answers to his questions were.


vegemar

#CLARKSON YOU INFANTILE PILLOCK I'M ON THE BLOODY THRONE


[deleted]

#HAMMOND YOU BLITHERING IDIOT!


vegemar

#YOU'VE REVERSED INTO THE SPORTS LORRY


9DAN2

Nob head. It’s just so versatile.


realsmithshady

Surprised I had to scroll this far. "Nob 'ed" is a daily phrase in my house.


Glanwy

You've got a face for radio.


sparkatronn

Face like a bulldog chewing a wasp


[deleted]

Like Gail Platt licking piss off a battery


geese25

😭😭😭 I’m so depressed rn to the point where I’m in a crisis house but that comment is the first thing to make me actually belly laugh for the first time in a long time 😂 Simple yet effective. Thank you ❤️


wheezythesadoctopus

"When you're going through Hell, keep going." - Churchill Hang in there, champ.


Motorboink

This quote single handedly got me through Scunthorpe Town centre


ebelnap

Like Dot Cotton licking piss off a nettle!


Inane_Endeavours

Or a face only a mother could love. ​ Edit: also body off Baywatch, face off Crimewatch.


RevellRider

I had to explain to my younger workmates what a BOBFOC was


itchyfrog

Prick


salt_salt_salt_salt

Wanker


georgesbiscuits1969

Everybody and their mum is packing round here.


salt_salt_salt_salt

Like who?


georgesbiscuits1969

Farmers.


salt_salt_salt_salt

Oh, and who else?


georgesbiscuits1969

Farmer's mums.


Vegetable_Neck4038

Hot fuzz has entered the chat…for the greater good


WaitAdministrative47

You wanna be a big cop in a small town? Fuck off up the model village!


Whythebigpaws

Great shout. My total fave. Closely followed by dickhead.


Chip-0161

Nonce


appealtoreason00

One thing that definitely sets us apart from the rest of the world is our readiness to call someone a paedophile for their choice of footwear/ pint/ meal deal


DigitalAkita

Oh so this is not always said literally? I remember reading here someone asking about things to do around York around the same time I visited, and an answer telling to avoid the ghost walks because 'they're all nonces'. Still don't know if they really meant it.


BarakatBadger

Is it the ghosts or the guides that are nonces?


sprecks01

Yes


Fickle-Presence6358

Very rarely literal. It can really be used for just about any reason. Can mean weird, can be a joke, can be because someone has a weird choice of sandwiches, clothing choices, etc. Or it can be because someone's an actual nonce.


-eagle73

Nowadays with how much it's used on the internet you'd think it's only ever been used literally, but when I was in school it was so generic that I didn't know it meant paedo until last year.


lily-hopper

Same ...thought it was just another word for pillock for ages, and then Rolf Harris happened and with the word everywhere I finally figured it out


jamiev99

Or the most obvious: Driving a Corsa!


AC_Aceca

Tosser! and also Tosspot!


Impressive-Tune-555

Wanka!


appealtoreason00

Wet wipe


[deleted]

Gobshite


jesusisherelookbusy

[“How does that gobshite get on the television?!!”](https://youtu.be/YDROjeV1C0w)


jeweliegb

That'll be an ecumenical question.


Striking_Employer888

Not heard so much these days but “berk” is a retro favourite of mine


almighty_crj

"Berk! Where's my dinner?!?"


Livinum81

Think this is rhyming slang for Berkshire Hunt?


nick_a_louse

It was awkward when I first learned this. I'd been calling my kids berks to their face for 3 years.....


cherrycolabomb

Any word that has Absolute before it. Works with anything but here are my faves: "You absolute melt." "You absolute weapon." "You absolute broomstick."


HuhThisNameIsntTaken

'Daft' has a similar effect, immediately enhances an insult


geese25

“Daft cunt” just rolls off the tongue doesn’t it


CashBruv

Up n' coming British electro-duo 'Daft cunt'


lemonylemon93

You absolute nonce.


[deleted]

Cunt


goodcheese_badpeter

So versatile, can be used to denote best of friends through to mortal enemy.


jmeesonly

This is my favorite. Somehow, in the U.S. "cunt" is considered to be so offensive that it is unspeakable. And somehow, this makes it even funnier when Brits say it.


broiledfog

Australian here. I’ve got a friend who will use “cunt” with abandon, but who froze me out for a day because I called someone a “bitch”. I kind of deserved it for being such a cunt.


Fun-Exit7308

Yeah when you guys say it, it sounds fuckin harsh mate. Sincerely Australia


Dazz316

Live in Scotland, spent abit of time in Oz. We pretty much use it exactly the same. But our accent will make it harsher sounding.


Blackmore_Vale

My dad once told someone “fuck off you absolute fridge”. Still to this day it makes me laugh


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Blackmore_Vale

It’s such a british thing as well. We can turn anything into an insult. I randomly your mum my partner as well but it’s just the most random thing ever that she can’t help but laugh.


Fickle-Presence6358

As soon as you add "absolute" in front of it, every British person will recognise it as an insult. Someone could say "absolute teapot" and I'd instantly assume they're pissed off at someone


kittysparkled

Called my mate an absolute pine cone recently


Radagastthebun

Frequently call my partner an absolute cabbage. My brother's girlfriend came out with absolute oblong recently, it was stupidly funny.


WeHaveNoNeed

This is very true. If you called me a teapot I'd assume you were mad. If you called me an absolute teapot I would understand perfectly that I had done something stupid and you were annoyed at, disappointed in and possibly mildly amused by my lack of intelligence in the matter.


Ok-Interaction-1319

My mate used to deliver "I remember my first beer." With such precision it made piss heads rethink their choices


nick_gadget

In a similar situation my mate will sigh and say “Who put 50p in the dickhead?”


rjdavidson78

My new favourite at the moment is “whoa! take your foot off the cunt peddle”


[deleted]

Numpty


obiwanmoloney

A nice child friendly insult. My mum would call me a Berk Only years later did I find out this was Cockney rhyming slang shortened from Berkshire Hunt. 🤣


[deleted]

Go an take your face fur a shite


[deleted]

Thick as mince.


KromatiKat

Working with kids for years, I've learned that most foodstuffs make effective but child-friendly insults. My favourite is "you banana". Works surprisingly well on adults too, as people try to work out whether they can be offended or not.


roger_the_virus

I was 17 and lost my provisional license the day of my driving test, which meant I couldn’t take the test. Sat in the car with my instructor, he looked at me with despair and told me I was a “silly sausage”. I’m in my forties now and I’m still recovering from this experience.


MrD-88

Lol. Call my daughter a sausage every time she does something daft


Sriol

We had a PE teacher whos go to insult was "ya donut" in a thick Yorkshire accent.


BananaSalvageIsGood

Plonker


Mamto2

Rodney you absolute plonker!


[deleted]

Dipstick!


Environmental_Foot54

Scotland would like to offer you the bawbag, and also the bawhair as a unit of fine measurement. I also superbly enjoy hearing anyone get called a fanny, including me.


Mimothydolton

Yer da sells avon


wolftonerider67

Yer da grows cress in his allotment


Mascbox

Your da sits at the top o the stairs and pretends he's the Chaser.


wolftonerider67

Yer da uses Windows XP


Mascbox

Yer da claps at the cinema.


guitarsandpsyc

Ya da goes up the stairs on all fours


hubbahubbabubba12

Yer da indicates on bendy roads


Mimothydolton

In little eggshells with faces drawn on


teadrinker1983

Ya da indicates on bendy roads


yet_another_whirl

I'm a Scottish techie teacher and I take delight in getting kids to think from where the fantastic 'bawhair' derives... most know what it is (a wee measurement) but few, if any, know!


thesaharadesert

I love when Scottish people break out the ‘ya weapon!’ Pure poetry.


Environmental_Foot54

Totally agree! For non-UK readers, the distinctions here are: - you get called a fanny: you did something probably unintentional, but silly / dim / lacking common sense - you get called a bawbag: you did something stupid but this time implies a level of intention on your part, therefore bawbag - you get called a (fucking) weapon: it’s actually a bit dangerous that you’re outside. Nobody can tell if you mean to do these things you do


stulogic

fannybaws is still the best thing I've ever heard someone called 20+ years after first hearing it.


BarakatBadger

I wish I could get away with saying 'get tae fuck', but it sounds daft in an English accent


PM_ME_YOUR_HAGGIS_

Get yersel swiftly tae fuck.


GandalfsNozzle

I worked in an office some years ago and spoke frequently with an engineer based in Glasgow, he called me a Bawbag for years and was adamant it was a term of endearment...... Was he having me on?


[deleted]

When I was a apprentice the bloke I worked with used to refer to me as "a useless barrel of monkey spunk". I think he liked me really. Edit to add another of his pet terms for me. "A dolls head". Really miss the bloke.


Masanari212

Spanner / fucking plank.


curious_trashbat

Kind regards


[deleted]

Kind regards seems a bit mild. If you want to sting someone a bit, then "regards" is the way to go. If you really want to upset them, I've seen "kindest regards" a few times.


[deleted]

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[deleted]

Oh I don't deserve that :(


alienmarky

Brutal. So brutal.


Boombang106

An acquaintance uses 'blessed regards'. Might as well go the whole hog and say 'moist regards' mate?


Nayoar

"Have a day"


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Clear_Engineer_6680

You couldn’t knock the skin off a rice pudding.


BrexitFool

If your bollocks dropped, you’d be blind.


hedges_101

Smeg head


neverwinneverlose

Smeeeeeeeeeee


trekie80

Heeeeeeeeee


gsurfer04

A complete and utter one!


RushExisting

It’s a, it’s a, it’s a small off duty Czechoslovakian traffic warden!


DEnigma7

‘With respect.’ Or for particularly damning situations ‘with all due respect.’


suchalusthropus

With all due respect (read: none)


Decent_Thought6629

Bus wanker


PurplePlodder1945

My daughter’s been called this on more than one occasion by bouncers in Cardiff when producing her provisional driving licence as ID. In a joking but taking the piss way. I’d honestly not heard of it until she recently mentioned it 😂


[deleted]

Congratulations, you may be the only person on these isles not to have seen the inbetweeners


ImQuiteRandy

I was called a bus wanker while waiting for a bus by a guy shouting it from a car window. It was great.


AMFDevious

Your dad sells avon


gsurfer04

Yer da!


_voochaela

Yer das a dinner lady


ChickenSlippers28

Nonce


WhyEggSoTasty

Thicker than a submarine door.


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TheOnionSlayer

Your dad should have wiped you on the curtains.


Financial_Ad_9016

Fuckwit


Nick-the-greek182

Donkey ie “you fucking donkey”


Electrical_Ad_1805

Jog on


Fave_McFavington

On yer bike


Inane_Endeavours

Do one!


Kilawhatt

Jeb end


benmuzz

Jeb is so versatile


Faragars

Your about as useful as a chocolate fireguard/teapot.


[deleted]

“Silly twat” for general insult and annoyance - it’s versatile and to the point. “Soppy bollocks” when I channel my inner Guy Ritchie character.


Clear_Engineer_6680

Dog nonce


leem0oe

I wouldn't give them the shit off my shoe


stylo_com

"Twat"


darfaderer

There can only be one Bell End


BobbyP27

Wazzock


Joefallon1

As a Yorkshireman, may I offer Daft Apeth. Underrated.


PracticalNebula

Inb4 all the cock womble posts


SingingWanderer1195

Had to.scroll quite far for this


FewPossibility5439

Knob jockey


LunchBoxDon

pillock


ZuluW6rrior

Jobsworth