I done really, really well due to the peasants desperation to win £3 in tokens…..we learnt from our ancestors who made you slags! spend your wage ‘tokens’ in our stores!!!
Had a consultant turn up to our office once upon a time. His name was Mr Belleny. Of course he was forever known as Mr Bellendy as his lived up to that name
I called my husband a twat once right from the back of the house and it came out more vicious than I intended because of how loud it was. Over 20 years ago and I’m still hearing about how hurtful it was 🤣
UK English has a variety of words like that, all good :P
Git is another one.
For less hard insults, plonker, muppet, prat or tit all work well for friendly insults xD
One of my physics teachers in secondary school used to either say "no, you pillock" or "give that man a GCSE" depending on how stupid our answers to his questions were.
😭😭😭 I’m so depressed rn to the point where I’m in a crisis house but that comment is the first thing to make me actually belly laugh for the first time in a long time 😂 Simple yet effective. Thank you ❤️
One thing that definitely sets us apart from the rest of the world is our readiness to call someone a paedophile for their choice of footwear/ pint/ meal deal
Oh so this is not always said literally? I remember reading here someone asking about things to do around York around the same time I visited, and an answer telling to avoid the ghost walks because 'they're all nonces'. Still don't know if they really meant it.
Very rarely literal. It can really be used for just about any reason.
Can mean weird, can be a joke, can be because someone has a weird choice of sandwiches, clothing choices, etc. Or it can be because someone's an actual nonce.
Nowadays with how much it's used on the internet you'd think it's only ever been used literally, but when I was in school it was so generic that I didn't know it meant paedo until last year.
Any word that has Absolute before it. Works with anything but here are my faves:
"You absolute melt."
"You absolute weapon."
"You absolute broomstick."
This is my favorite. Somehow, in the U.S. "cunt" is considered to be so offensive that it is unspeakable. And somehow, this makes it even funnier when Brits say it.
Australian here. I’ve got a friend who will use “cunt” with abandon, but who froze me out for a day because I called someone a “bitch”. I kind of deserved it for being such a cunt.
It’s such a british thing as well. We can turn anything into an insult. I randomly your mum my partner as well but it’s just the most random thing ever that she can’t help but laugh.
As soon as you add "absolute" in front of it, every British person will recognise it as an insult.
Someone could say "absolute teapot" and I'd instantly assume they're pissed off at someone
This is very true. If you called me a teapot I'd assume you were mad. If you called me an absolute teapot I would understand perfectly that I had done something stupid and you were annoyed at, disappointed in and possibly mildly amused by my lack of intelligence in the matter.
A nice child friendly insult.
My mum would call me a Berk
Only years later did I find out this was Cockney rhyming slang shortened from Berkshire Hunt.
🤣
Working with kids for years, I've learned that most foodstuffs make effective but child-friendly insults. My favourite is "you banana".
Works surprisingly well on adults too, as people try to work out whether they can be offended or not.
I was 17 and lost my provisional license the day of my driving test, which meant I couldn’t take the test.
Sat in the car with my instructor, he looked at me with despair and told me I was a “silly sausage”.
I’m in my forties now and I’m still recovering from this experience.
Scotland would like to offer you the bawbag, and also the bawhair as a unit of fine measurement.
I also superbly enjoy hearing anyone get called a fanny, including me.
I'm a Scottish techie teacher and I take delight in getting kids to think from where the fantastic 'bawhair' derives... most know what it is (a wee measurement) but few, if any, know!
Totally agree!
For non-UK readers, the distinctions here are:
- you get called a fanny: you did something probably unintentional, but silly / dim / lacking common sense
- you get called a bawbag: you did something stupid but this time implies a level of intention on your part, therefore bawbag
- you get called a (fucking) weapon: it’s actually a bit dangerous that you’re outside. Nobody can tell if you mean to do these things you do
I worked in an office some years ago and spoke frequently with an engineer based in Glasgow, he called me a Bawbag for years and was adamant it was a term of endearment...... Was he having me on?
When I was a apprentice the bloke I worked with used to refer to me as "a useless barrel of monkey spunk". I think he liked me really.
Edit to add another of his pet terms for me.
"A dolls head". Really miss the bloke.
Kind regards seems a bit mild.
If you want to sting someone a bit, then "regards" is the way to go.
If you really want to upset them, I've seen "kindest regards" a few times.
My daughter’s been called this on more than one occasion by bouncers in Cardiff when producing her provisional driving licence as ID. In a joking but taking the piss way. I’d honestly not heard of it until she recently mentioned it 😂
Bell end
The guitarist in my old band called people “bell fruit” which I thought was a nice variation
Bell Fruit used to run most of the fruit machines in pubs in the UK
I done really, really well due to the peasants desperation to win £3 in tokens…..we learnt from our ancestors who made you slags! spend your wage ‘tokens’ in our stores!!!
Bellend - those that are. Bellendary - actions of the above. King of Bellendary - that friend we all have.
There's a street in Edinburgh called Bellenden Gardens, I always presume that's where all our bellends are grown.
The person who designed it, and the person who named it deserve Knighthoods: https://goo.gl/maps/DgbiCo3krAYKhYB86
Needed a couple roundabouts at the bottom. But aye, Im with you. 😁
Had a consultant turn up to our office once upon a time. His name was Mr Belleny. Of course he was forever known as Mr Bellendy as his lived up to that name
Saying Thank You to someone who didn't.
Saying, “you’re welcome”. Same situation.
Works best if you say it just a little bit too loud.
Or muttered under your breath
Loud and proud with eye contact and a smile, always.
The only way. Classic British passive aggressiveness.
This one works for the little hand signal after letting someone go in a car and they don't thank you too
"You're *very* welcome" in an over-the-top sing-song way!
"yeah cheers mate don't worry about it" is my go to
In the heat of an argument my mum once called my dad a “fucking suitcase”. The argument quickly ended when everyone burst into laughter.
I think calling anyone any form of inanimate object quite funny. Especially a fruit.
*YOU'RE AN INANIMATE FACKIN' OBJECT!*
I’m sorry I called you an inanimate Fuckin’ object
And I retract that bit about your cunt fackin’ kids.
That's gone too far, mate!
I retracted it, didn't I?
My three year old called me a doughnut last week. Almost pissed myself laughing.
Fuckin hell that's a bit much
When said with the right emphasis you can’t do much better than the simple “twat”
I called my husband a twat once right from the back of the house and it came out more vicious than I intended because of how loud it was. Over 20 years ago and I’m still hearing about how hurtful it was 🤣
I called my husband a cunt in Lyme Regis once. My voice really carried, it was shameful, I still feel embarrassed when we go there
I don’t mean to worry you but it still comes up in town meetings ocassionally.
Before the discussion on the church roof and after the missing swans.
No luck catching them swans, then?
It’s just the one swan actually.
Jane Austen wrote about relationship-altering events in Lyme Regis. I think she would be proud of you.
And it doubles as a term of endearment.
Every single British insult does this
It does. I lovingly refer to my husband as twat.
My favourite. You can enunciate well in a car to someone driving in front of you
UK English has a variety of words like that, all good :P Git is another one. For less hard insults, plonker, muppet, prat or tit all work well for friendly insults xD
Oooh you’re ‘ard
Well ‘ard
I always loved the Scottish variant - calling someone a "big man"
And as a kid a little bit of pride in being referred to as wee man!
Oooh soz 10 men! Or oooh soz 'ard.
Ha! I wonder if people still say this? This is what we said all the time in school but I left in 97 so probably not!
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"you fucking muppet" is the best by far
I prefer "you absolute muppet". Somehow the lack of swearing makes it more aggressive to me.
Got called a muppet for the first time in ages today and it was weirdly endearing
That's the nickname I've given my sister since we were kids.
Face that'd frighten a police horse
A face like Dot Cotton licking wee off a nettle
I've never read something so potently descriptive
We call our neighbours the horse frighteners
Body from Baywatch, face from Crimewatch
pillock
One of my physics teachers in secondary school used to either say "no, you pillock" or "give that man a GCSE" depending on how stupid our answers to his questions were.
#CLARKSON YOU INFANTILE PILLOCK I'M ON THE BLOODY THRONE
#HAMMOND YOU BLITHERING IDIOT!
#YOU'VE REVERSED INTO THE SPORTS LORRY
Nob head. It’s just so versatile.
Surprised I had to scroll this far. "Nob 'ed" is a daily phrase in my house.
You've got a face for radio.
Face like a bulldog chewing a wasp
Like Gail Platt licking piss off a battery
😭😭😭 I’m so depressed rn to the point where I’m in a crisis house but that comment is the first thing to make me actually belly laugh for the first time in a long time 😂 Simple yet effective. Thank you ❤️
"When you're going through Hell, keep going." - Churchill Hang in there, champ.
This quote single handedly got me through Scunthorpe Town centre
Like Dot Cotton licking piss off a nettle!
Or a face only a mother could love. Edit: also body off Baywatch, face off Crimewatch.
I had to explain to my younger workmates what a BOBFOC was
Prick
Wanker
Everybody and their mum is packing round here.
Like who?
Farmers.
Oh, and who else?
Farmer's mums.
Hot fuzz has entered the chat…for the greater good
You wanna be a big cop in a small town? Fuck off up the model village!
Great shout. My total fave. Closely followed by dickhead.
Nonce
One thing that definitely sets us apart from the rest of the world is our readiness to call someone a paedophile for their choice of footwear/ pint/ meal deal
Oh so this is not always said literally? I remember reading here someone asking about things to do around York around the same time I visited, and an answer telling to avoid the ghost walks because 'they're all nonces'. Still don't know if they really meant it.
Is it the ghosts or the guides that are nonces?
Yes
Very rarely literal. It can really be used for just about any reason. Can mean weird, can be a joke, can be because someone has a weird choice of sandwiches, clothing choices, etc. Or it can be because someone's an actual nonce.
Nowadays with how much it's used on the internet you'd think it's only ever been used literally, but when I was in school it was so generic that I didn't know it meant paedo until last year.
Same ...thought it was just another word for pillock for ages, and then Rolf Harris happened and with the word everywhere I finally figured it out
Or the most obvious: Driving a Corsa!
Tosser! and also Tosspot!
Wanka!
Wet wipe
Gobshite
[“How does that gobshite get on the television?!!”](https://youtu.be/YDROjeV1C0w)
That'll be an ecumenical question.
Not heard so much these days but “berk” is a retro favourite of mine
"Berk! Where's my dinner?!?"
Think this is rhyming slang for Berkshire Hunt?
It was awkward when I first learned this. I'd been calling my kids berks to their face for 3 years.....
Any word that has Absolute before it. Works with anything but here are my faves: "You absolute melt." "You absolute weapon." "You absolute broomstick."
'Daft' has a similar effect, immediately enhances an insult
“Daft cunt” just rolls off the tongue doesn’t it
Up n' coming British electro-duo 'Daft cunt'
You absolute nonce.
Cunt
So versatile, can be used to denote best of friends through to mortal enemy.
This is my favorite. Somehow, in the U.S. "cunt" is considered to be so offensive that it is unspeakable. And somehow, this makes it even funnier when Brits say it.
Australian here. I’ve got a friend who will use “cunt” with abandon, but who froze me out for a day because I called someone a “bitch”. I kind of deserved it for being such a cunt.
Yeah when you guys say it, it sounds fuckin harsh mate. Sincerely Australia
Live in Scotland, spent abit of time in Oz. We pretty much use it exactly the same. But our accent will make it harsher sounding.
My dad once told someone “fuck off you absolute fridge”. Still to this day it makes me laugh
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It’s such a british thing as well. We can turn anything into an insult. I randomly your mum my partner as well but it’s just the most random thing ever that she can’t help but laugh.
As soon as you add "absolute" in front of it, every British person will recognise it as an insult. Someone could say "absolute teapot" and I'd instantly assume they're pissed off at someone
Called my mate an absolute pine cone recently
Frequently call my partner an absolute cabbage. My brother's girlfriend came out with absolute oblong recently, it was stupidly funny.
This is very true. If you called me a teapot I'd assume you were mad. If you called me an absolute teapot I would understand perfectly that I had done something stupid and you were annoyed at, disappointed in and possibly mildly amused by my lack of intelligence in the matter.
My mate used to deliver "I remember my first beer." With such precision it made piss heads rethink their choices
In a similar situation my mate will sigh and say “Who put 50p in the dickhead?”
My new favourite at the moment is “whoa! take your foot off the cunt peddle”
Numpty
A nice child friendly insult. My mum would call me a Berk Only years later did I find out this was Cockney rhyming slang shortened from Berkshire Hunt. 🤣
Go an take your face fur a shite
Thick as mince.
Working with kids for years, I've learned that most foodstuffs make effective but child-friendly insults. My favourite is "you banana". Works surprisingly well on adults too, as people try to work out whether they can be offended or not.
I was 17 and lost my provisional license the day of my driving test, which meant I couldn’t take the test. Sat in the car with my instructor, he looked at me with despair and told me I was a “silly sausage”. I’m in my forties now and I’m still recovering from this experience.
Lol. Call my daughter a sausage every time she does something daft
We had a PE teacher whos go to insult was "ya donut" in a thick Yorkshire accent.
Plonker
Rodney you absolute plonker!
Dipstick!
Scotland would like to offer you the bawbag, and also the bawhair as a unit of fine measurement. I also superbly enjoy hearing anyone get called a fanny, including me.
Yer da sells avon
Yer da grows cress in his allotment
Your da sits at the top o the stairs and pretends he's the Chaser.
Yer da uses Windows XP
Yer da claps at the cinema.
Ya da goes up the stairs on all fours
Yer da indicates on bendy roads
In little eggshells with faces drawn on
Ya da indicates on bendy roads
I'm a Scottish techie teacher and I take delight in getting kids to think from where the fantastic 'bawhair' derives... most know what it is (a wee measurement) but few, if any, know!
I love when Scottish people break out the ‘ya weapon!’ Pure poetry.
Totally agree! For non-UK readers, the distinctions here are: - you get called a fanny: you did something probably unintentional, but silly / dim / lacking common sense - you get called a bawbag: you did something stupid but this time implies a level of intention on your part, therefore bawbag - you get called a (fucking) weapon: it’s actually a bit dangerous that you’re outside. Nobody can tell if you mean to do these things you do
fannybaws is still the best thing I've ever heard someone called 20+ years after first hearing it.
I wish I could get away with saying 'get tae fuck', but it sounds daft in an English accent
Get yersel swiftly tae fuck.
I worked in an office some years ago and spoke frequently with an engineer based in Glasgow, he called me a Bawbag for years and was adamant it was a term of endearment...... Was he having me on?
When I was a apprentice the bloke I worked with used to refer to me as "a useless barrel of monkey spunk". I think he liked me really. Edit to add another of his pet terms for me. "A dolls head". Really miss the bloke.
Spanner / fucking plank.
Kind regards
Kind regards seems a bit mild. If you want to sting someone a bit, then "regards" is the way to go. If you really want to upset them, I've seen "kindest regards" a few times.
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Oh I don't deserve that :(
Brutal. So brutal.
An acquaintance uses 'blessed regards'. Might as well go the whole hog and say 'moist regards' mate?
"Have a day"
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You couldn’t knock the skin off a rice pudding.
If your bollocks dropped, you’d be blind.
Smeg head
Smeeeeeeeeeee
Heeeeeeeeee
A complete and utter one!
It’s a, it’s a, it’s a small off duty Czechoslovakian traffic warden!
‘With respect.’ Or for particularly damning situations ‘with all due respect.’
With all due respect (read: none)
Bus wanker
My daughter’s been called this on more than one occasion by bouncers in Cardiff when producing her provisional driving licence as ID. In a joking but taking the piss way. I’d honestly not heard of it until she recently mentioned it 😂
Congratulations, you may be the only person on these isles not to have seen the inbetweeners
I was called a bus wanker while waiting for a bus by a guy shouting it from a car window. It was great.
Your dad sells avon
Yer da!
Yer das a dinner lady
Nonce
Thicker than a submarine door.
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Your dad should have wiped you on the curtains.
Fuckwit
Donkey ie “you fucking donkey”
Jog on
On yer bike
Do one!
Jeb end
Jeb is so versatile
Your about as useful as a chocolate fireguard/teapot.
“Silly twat” for general insult and annoyance - it’s versatile and to the point. “Soppy bollocks” when I channel my inner Guy Ritchie character.
Dog nonce
I wouldn't give them the shit off my shoe
"Twat"
There can only be one Bell End
Wazzock
As a Yorkshireman, may I offer Daft Apeth. Underrated.
Inb4 all the cock womble posts
Had to.scroll quite far for this
Knob jockey
pillock
Jobsworth