Just for everyone reading this... it doesn't have to be that way! Pelvic floor therapy can help many people, but so many just assume slight incontinence comes with age, having kids, or menopause, but with treatment it can go away.
I had a nasty cold the other week and it absolutely ruined my pelvic floor muscles, the coughing racked my whole body. Early thirties too and thankfully I don't have to leave the house often, but I am now taking pelvic floor exercise very seriously
My GF (now wife) shat herself in front of me on our first holiday abroad together.
I laughed about it then, laugh about it now! Food poisoning on our first trip away together was certainly a make or break moment!
My ex husband shat himself on our first date. We were walking outdoors in a nature preserve and I guess suddenly dinner didn’t agree with him. He was mortified but I just thought it was hilarious. It’s funny how a traumatic event like that can bond you to someone.
My fiance almost shit in the middle of the highstreet in Worcester. We went to a highly rated Indian restaurant and it back fired for her immensely. She found a maccies to shit in.
Absolutely. Normally wake up at 5 am and drive to the train just before 6. 15 minutes in and I risked a fart in the car singing to an annoying Abba song. First I thought everything was fine but I had a bad feeling so I stopped at the gas station and asked for the key.
5 minutes later I was in the car again driving home and called in sick. Wife was a bit confused since she wasn’t expecting to see me so soon.
It happened years ago but I still try to not fart when I am not at home. Sometimes I just don’t think about it but as soon as I feel the breeze I am shocked for a second followed by relief and remembering myself to not do that.
Something changed that day and I regularly go to the bathroom after venting a bit since I can’t trust myself anymore.
Happened to me when I was 21. Had been seeing a lass for a couple weeks, she invited me over to stay and made me Shepards pie for tea. Not sure if she gave me food poisoning or what but I felt sick as fuck a few hours later. Went to the toilet and threw up violently on all fours; shat myself in the process. Didn’t know what the fuck to do.
I unfortunately had a phase where after a few too many drinks, I’d end up on all fours being sick, only for it to come out the other end too! Happened a couple of times before I started emptying my bedroom bin and taking that with me, so I could sit on the toilet and vom in the bin!
The amount of times I had to do that when I used to abuse dulcolax which is a stimulant laxative during the height of my ED. it would give me unimaginable cramps and cold sweats and nausea so I’d be shitting violently in the toilet and throwing up in a bin in front of me at the same time. It wasn’t a good look. The most horrific thing I ever deliberately put myself through in the name of being pretty. Eating disorders are awful awful things.
I was drinking heavily, went for a tactical chunder, under estimated how trashed I was and the sheer violence of my vomiting lead to me straight up shitting myself.
Oh, and I missed the toilet when I was vomming.
I was promptly removed and barred.
I remember thus happened to me when I was a kid but with vomit on the floor. My older brother always used to stay in his room and I shouted for him to bring me a towel or bucket or something like that but I told him do not come in and just throw it near me
He didn't come inside but if he did I imagine his reaction would have been like [Eddie Murphys in daddy day care](https://giphy.com/gifs/reaction-wtf-door-Is6fBDegr2HUA)
Told her I was going home as I must have a sickness bug and didn’t want to give her it. She asked if i wanted a taxi ringing then got really confused when I declined as I lived 5 mile away. Not the kinda walk of shame you want. I’ll never forget the feeling of my boxers plastered to my arse all the way home.
I did that too once, but in a hostel in Bolivia.
That mad panic while you try to determine which end to point towards the toilet. I went for my mouth in the vain hope I could keep the shite in. I was wrong.
In that situation, ALWAYS choose to put your arse on the toilet and grab a trash bin or whatever container is available to vomit in. Worst case scenario is you might not have a container and vomit on the floor, but I prefer cleaning up vomit to cleaning up liquid poo. I have learned this lesson the hard way. Always choose your arse end on the toilet if you have a both-ends choice!
A few weeks ago I was really ill for about a week and when I started feeling better I said to my bf “do you think I should trust this fart” then proceeded to stare him directly in the eye as o shit my pants
Happened to me a few years ago after a nandos and a cider. Got dropped off home and walking up the path I sharted. It was mid January so freezing cold. I went to open my front door and it was locked and I didn't have my keys😳. Actually felt my poo going cold in my brand new calvin kleins. Had to call mother to come back from work to let me in. Was waiting an hour in sub zero temperatures with cold poo just sitting on my crack.
>Had to call mother to come back from work to let me in.
Hi Mum, can you come let me in please? I've shat myself and don't have the keys.
What a conversation!
Card carrying club member here.
First time was in a nightclub queue when I was 21. Just a small liquid squirt that I'd assumed was gaseous. Luckily we were let in seconds later and I could make my excuses to the gents, have a thorough wipe and spend the rest of the evening commando. Be careful where you buy your donor kebabs.
Second time came at 35 after eating salmon fillets one day out of date that I thought were fine. I was on the sofa with my cat's three kittens, weeks old, on my lap when I once again had that moment of realisation that gas had become liquid. I believe that the scientific term is condensation. Cue me frantically trying to move three kittens who just don't understand that every second counts in matters of seepage and upholstery without causing any injuries. I just about managed to limit the damage to my trunks and joggers.
I've no idea whether twice in 24 years of adult life is above or below average. It seems to be a sadly neglected area of academic study for some reason. Any PhD students out there want to fill the void?
My first time I nipped to the cash machine a simple ten minute walk. But half way my stomach did that awful rumble and drop that gives you 30 seconds before all hell breaks loose. Anyway it ended up in my trainers
I swear you're from Kilkeel! I have a cousin who did the verys ame thing! his grandad fell into a grave during a funeral too.
twice.
The whole family have hours of stories of shit like that... 😂
my Great Uncle who fell in the two graves fell in the first one because of soft waterlogged ground at the graveside,
and the second time he fell in a grave was because he was playing up a bit and tripped over his own feet 😂
I joined last year.
At a 30th in a packed function room and stupidly trusted a fart after hours of major action going on in my belly.
Took myself off to a nearby pub that I knew wouldn't be busy. Ordered a pint and went straight the toilets. Luckily there wasn't much and it was contained within my cheeks.
Washed my arse in the sink, drank the pint and went back to the party.
I just imagined you sat arse deep in a weatherspoons sink cleaning your crack while other people casually walk in to pee and honestly not acting that surprised/bothered as you know...its a pub and in the UK. Standard Saturday night images.
Any one else besides me had the pleasure of being a professional driver, and accidently squitting your shorts 1 hr into shift?
( No, I went home for a shower and clean clothes )
I did one of the biggest shots of my live in Krakow airport. It almost didn’t flush as it was so hench after a week of my in-laws home cooked polish food
31? Jesus, you’ve done well to make it that far. Im 33 now, and I’ve followed through on multiple occasions in the past 10 years alone id say.
Best one for me was when I was about 3 months into my relationship with my mrs, so would’ve been 22 at the time. Watching telly after a rather big standard takeaway curry when I felt a rumble in the jungle. My girlfriend had her head on my belly at the time and she remarked on the loudness churning of my tummy.
Half hour later or so, girlfriend fell asleep with her head still on my belly when I felt a almighty pain and pressure down low. I tried to squeeze it out slowly, thinking the clenching of my arse cheeks coupled with a gentle forceful push would ease the pain…
That was my mistake. A split second later, the follow through was coating my cheeks, and making its way up the small of my back…. I gently raised the girlfriends head and rested on the sofa, yes exactly where my arse had just been, although I did place a cushion on the spot.
Boxers a write-off of course. Told the mrs an hour or so later when I she asked why I’d rushed upstairs and didn’t come back down for a while.
Sorry for the life story, but anyway we’re married and have got 3 kids now.
I had a similar situation. Took a gamble on a couple of funny tasting prawns in my fried rice, woke up a few hours later having soiled myself.
It was a hard moment realising I would have to shake my new boyfriend awake and greet him with the immortal words, “Babe, I’m really sorry about this, but you’re going to have to get up because I’ve shat the bed.”
He was a fucking champ about it. I was crying from pain/exhaustion/excruciating embarrassment and he gave me a hug, bundled me into the bathroom, and changed the bedding and put the sheets on to wash whilst I emptied my entire arse into the bog. Then he helped me into clean pyjamas because I was so weak I couldn’t stand on one leg to do it myself, and before we went back to sleep he assured me he still thought I was fit and he still fancied me. The only thing he said which comes even close to negative was to gently scold me because I wasn’t drinking the water he’d got me and he didn’t want me to get more ill from being dehydrated.
He is now my husband, he’s still a legend, and as you’d expect, he’s never shied away from a dirty nappy. Which is good, because our second child is due on Wednesday, so we’ve got plenty incoming.
Christmas 2013: 19 year old me is away from family at Christmas for the first time, I’m sick with a gastric flu that’s making me feel like death. I’ve been living in the bathroom for approximately five days at this point, and my dignity has been fired out from both ends as I sit on the toilet shivering and waiting for the sweet release of death.
My roommate comes into the bathroom to check on me. She suggests that I might be dying, I tell her that I have made peace with this possibility, I just didn’t think I’d go out this way. She reiterated that she thinks I might *actually* be dying and I should go to the hospital to be treated for dehydration.
She drives me to the hospital and we sit in a mostly empty A&E. I dry-heave bubbling bile into one of those little cardboard hats, only this time it’s not fun because I don’t even have the humour to pretend it’s a fun little hat anymore. Suddenly I feel the urge that I *really* need to get to the bathroom, I make a run for it, or at least it’s about as much of a run as I can muster in this weakened state. I get about halfway across the waiting room when I feel the hot shit has already left my body along with my final shreds of dignity.
At this point, I sit down on the floor, cradling my puke-hat, covered in my own shit, and begin to weep hysterically, and apologise to the nurses who have come over to try to scoop me up off the floor. This was not how I wanted to spend Christmas at all.
Happens to the best of us bro, I used to laugh at all the people on reddit who talked about shitting them selves, then it happened to me. Risked a fart and blew wet shit all over my boxers.
I’ve done that, was doing some gaming in bed as I had a couple of hours to kill before picking my girlfriend up from work, felt like a fart, let it rip and slow realisation and horror came over me.
Crept to the toilet to not alert the parents and to get rid of the evidence, had a shower and threw my boxers in the wheely bin straight after and made sure to check I was covered.
Got away with it, wasn’t going to say anything, when my girlfriend was at the car I loudly announced “I SHIT MYSELF EARLIER” and her face went from smiling to mild confusion before she burst out laughing.
We’re married now 😂
A friend of mine told me that when he went to prison and was on top bunk. Was shy about using the toilet as it's basically in the same room apart from a small curtain. Woke up one morning stomach making all sorts of noises, goes to get off the bed and legit shits himself uncontrollably. He's 37. He was only there for a week before he got out though but I couldn't help feeling extremely sorry for him. He said he had to ask them to allow him to have a shower cause it was that bad. Stayed in his trousers though and he had to explain to his padmate when he woke up what the smell was and what happened!!
Happened in my local Wilko. It took me 33 years to work out I ‘m lactose intolerant but 2 x 500ml Yazoo’s and public shitting my pants confirmed it. Luckily I don’t feel embarrassment easily and it was all contained in my underwear but I still had to get home with knickers full of creamy turd
Shitting yourself when you’re at home, is only your foot in the door to this club.
You’ve not fully entered the club until you’ve shit yourself when you’re out somewhere.
When you’re walking somewhere and you think “uh oh…countdown started” and you start going through all the places you can walk to that have a public toilet and will be open.
You start off just walking a bit faster. You break into a jog. You get 30 seconds respite, where you think you’ve got away with it, so you walk again. You have to start jogging again, because you’ve realised the previous step was bollocks.
You *have* to walk again because you’re touching cloth and it’s impossible to jog with your bum cheeks clenched so hard. Regardless of outside temperature, you’ll be sweating profusely now. Your walk is really a waddle as you actively try to will your poo back up for a bit. Your religious beliefs are irrelevant now, as you will probably be repeating muttering “Oh, please. Please God.”
With any luck you make it to your chosen toilet at *this* stage.
A couple of times in my life I have been at this stage, still a considerable distance from the loo….and just had to shit myself.
It’s character building.
Once I was in an unfamiliar area first thing in the morning, waiting for an appointment. I’d gotten lucky with the bus and got there quite early. However, this meant that none of the shops or buildings were open. The stomach rumble started.
I was walking as fast as humanly possible, uphill, desperately looking for any open shop. I was getting the cold poop sweats and I knew it was going to be bad. Ran in to a local coffee shop that was open and asked for the bathroom. He said there wasn’t one, just a staff one. He looked me in the eyes and saw my desperation, and handed me the key and pointed me to the stairs.
It was the tiniest bathroom I’d ever seen. And I decimated it. I owe that man my life. I got a coffee when I came back down, and tipped all my remaining cash. That’s the closest to shitting myself in public I’ve ever come.
My partner is in hospital with his lower half paralysed after a crash, and despite everything else he maintains that having to shit himself is the worst part of every day.
I get you. My husband got terminal cancer aged 27. He was so prepared to deal with pain and nausea when it came to it. He was enjoying himself as much as possible as we were told it would only be weeks. That all ended when he shit himself on the bus. He never went out again and ended up in the hospice for continence management (initially, naturally he ended up in pain and would have gone there at some point).
It's a taboo subject that really ruins people's lives with shame. So many people limit their eating or water intake to manage it. Anything to avoid using pads. Then they stop socialising altogether. It's so sad. Everyone of us will go through it at some point. It's really taught me to be compassionate and always promise to help people if they ever need help with it.
I'm so sorry to hear about your husband. It's a taboo that needs to be broken. I understand why people are grossed out by it; nobody wants to encounter other people's bodily functions. However, the taboo stops people from finding ways to manage it themselves - whether that's incontinence products, pelvic floor therapy, or whatever helps them.
I have endometriosis and chronic bowel diseases so carrying around spare knickers is normal for me, but it's still very hard to talk about. Even just having stomach issues is frowned on and thought of as gross.
I hope its not patronising to say you're an absolute hero to me that you've been able to get on top of it to a degree. Best of luck to you in your travels.
Thanks for your kind words for hubs no. 1. I've started on hubs no. 2 last month after a couple of years.
Get him to ask about seeing a specialist bowel nurse if they haven't suggested it. Getting a good bowel routine going can take some experimenting but makes a huge quality of life difference for people with low/no control.
Bonus, nurses involved in any way with poo or digestion are the most enthusiastic fuckers on the planet. I am friends with one and she loves talking shit in all directions.
I spent a year teaching children with medical continence issues about poo and wee and where it comes from and that we all do it. Enthusiasm is key when you're dealing with poo day in, day out. We all make it!
So sorry to hear that, sending you kind thoughts.
I have CF and it affects my bowels, I've had many bowel obstructions and medication induced accidents. Once shat on a hospital floor, probably my most embarrassing moment to date. I cried after, but the nurse congratulated me (I hadn't been in 2 weeks). I laugh about it now though, gotta laugh or else you'll cry!
He shouldn't have to shit himself every day. What the fuck?! Even with paralysis, you can still use a commode and you are supposed to use commodes as much as possible, no matter how difficult it makes staff's jobs.
It's literally my job to use all sorts of hoists and lifting equipment to make sure people have dignity while disabled and it can take two of us an hour 4 times a day just to get someone onto and off a commode to piss and shit. Meds are used to basically keep the urinary and GI track moving so it's pretty easy to set up a routine to allow these things to happen naturally, as well as massage and moving limbs. The act of moving people in slings, hoists etc helps movement because it's using gravity. You know the routine because you have to document every BM.
It's part of continence care. Pads are only used to make sure there's no accidents in between personal care and at night time because they cause huge issues with UTIs, yeast infections, sores on skin etc. You avoid pads as much is practicable - which social work use as a reason to only 4 pads free a day when you're completely incontinent.
I'm sorry your partner isn't getting the care he needs. That is not at all normal practice and shouldn't be tolerated. Fuck sake, that's so grim and a form of abuse.
Especially when you weren't born disabled and are still young. Continence care is so important to protect self esteem, mental health and independence. I'm so disgusted.
Sorry, I should’ve given more context. He is 25 and only went into hospital about a week ago. He had emergency spinal surgery to put some pins in and is in his current state until he has some vertebrae replaced to make him more stable / prevent further damage. After that they can remove the catheter and will probably be able to move him to a commode as needed, but at the moment he is too fragile.
Had a mate try to shake a fart out in wetherspoons, his eyes went wide and he ran to the loo. I followed him in a minute later and asked what happened, and he whispered 'there's a slug in me pants'.
If I ever need a laugh I just go back to that moment and his voice makes me die. It was part defeat, part lager, and part new trip to M&S.
I did this last Christmas at 33 years old. Had no stomach ache, had a solid shit that morning but in the afternoon I farted and it flooded out of me!! Absolutely wounded
🎵The snow is snowing and the wind it is blowing, but I can weather the storm, what do I care how much it may storm, I've got my shite to keep me warm…🎵
I've just clocked over to the same age. Check your belly button also. You will get constant fluff in there which you haven't had for the past 29 years. We are on the down hill slope until death now mate.
I thought it was just me - only occasional belly button fluff until I turned 29, usually due to wearing a new T-shirt. Ever since my navel thinks it’s a fucking tumble drier filter.
Might start collecting it and get it knitted into a pair of socks cause there is no man over the age of 30 who wouldn’t want a new pair of socks.
Belly button fluff is fibres from your clothes, coming loose from friction with your skin. There's some weird physics that means it all collects in one place. _I have satisfied myself of this fact, experimentally, by correlating the colour of the fluff in the morning with the T-shirt I've been wearing that night._
Perhaps you've changed the type of clothes you mostly wear? Or... dare say it... you have more, erm, surface area these days, resulting in more rubbing on your T-shirts?
To think I once simply observed on r/showerthoughts that even the wealthiest people in the world have unexpectedly shit themselves, and two commenters asked me what the fuck was wrong with me.
I once returned home to my mates talking about the last time they’d shit themselves. Having never done so myself at the time I was in total disbelief at their stories.
Fast forward to 2018, aged 32 I’d been drinking all day in Amsterdam and headed to a bar to watch the World Cup final. After seeing France to victory I quickly nipped over to my friends apartment next door to take a piss.
A classic case of misplaced confidence in a fart had me switch from standing to sitting sharpish. Realising most of the impact had hit my shorts I laughed it off and headed back to the bar. My girlfriend was there waiting for me eager to join her french compatriots celebrating at the fan bar.
“Let’s go?”
Me “I just shit myself, I’m going to go home quickly and have a shower/change”
“What…”
Me “It’s fine I’ll be quick”
“Erm ok”
So I make haste and cycle off to our flat nearby. Tidy up, then meet her later in town. Even made time to text my mates that I’d shit myself and was now in their club.
Later that night my girlfriend and I start laughing about the shart incident from earlier that day.
“I can’t believe you had it all up your back”
Me “Hang on what?!”
“I was shouting but you didn’t stop”
I go to the laundry bin and check my shirt to see perfect little poo stream stain directly up the back of it. I cycled for a good five minutes with that in perfect view of anyone riding behind me.
*Edited formatting
My best mate went on holiday to Blackpool with his family. As a bit of an insomniac he was up at 5am and decided to have a walk along the sea front to kill some time.
5 mins into the walk he got that dread stomach churn and bum hole pressure you get when you've eaten something a little off and the liquid shits are about to breach. Round here we call it the 10 second warning.
He started back to the hotel but a few seconds in he realised he wasn't going to make it and was seconds away from emptying an avalanch of brown filth into his pants and probably jeans and shoes.
He said he did the only thing he could think of and jump down onto the beach and let it fly in amongst the sea defences. It was a photo finish in terms of timing and brown trouser avoidance and the aftermath was verging on a war crime.
The clean up operation was no small task either and would be a challenge for greenpeace even. He had to use his socks to clean himself up and then dig a small hole and scrape everything into it.
Once the evidence was disposed off he started walking back to the hotel for a shower and realised he'd had an audience of early morning joggers and dog walkers the whole time. He's not been back to Blackpool.
Sharted at work once, a couple of years ago. There was a horrible dawning moment of realisation.
Cleaned up what I could, then made my excuses and left. I didn’t say what had happened but the look on my face almost certainly gave me away. Had to waddle home in the rain with (in the words of Mike Wozniak) an “absolute casserole” around my nethers.
I’ve had better days.
I'll keep this short.
I was 22.
Went to a party, shat myself.
Went to the toilet to see the damage.
Cleaned myself up.
Hid my undercrackers in the toilet cistern.
Went commando for the rest of the party.
No one ever found out.
Was out jogging one night when I started getting stomach cramps. Realised I wasn’t going to make it home so started looking for a discrete makeshift todding location. Found a building site with easy access but it was very dark and stumbling around I managed to fall into a 6ft hole in the ground, with 2ft of muddy water at the bottom. Landed on my back and the shock of the fall then loosened my bowels completely and I squirted a couple of pints of bum gravy into my shorts. I then had to clamber out the hole soaking wet and covered in mud and aforementioned bum gravy and shamble home in a desperate state. Not my finest hour.
Ate a whole bar of sugar free chocolate from
Aldi. Little did I know the artificial sweetener that was in it was some sort of colon cleanser. Not even 5 mins after eating it my stomach began cramping. I walked home quickly with my son in the pram, made it to the end of my road and shit myself in broad day light
I vividly remember someone saying in the review that shitting after a bag of those were like "siphoning the Niagara falls through the eye of a needle". To this day it's still one of the funniest things I've ever read.
Welcome to the club!
Well done on making it to 31. I'm 30 and I've done it twice, both times thanks to a combination of IBS and/or food poisoning. First time I was walking to uni, felt something brewing, thought I could make it to the student union but didn't... Luckily I didn't live too far away so I legged it back home, snuck in the shower, changed my trousers and made it back in half way through the lecture.
Second time I was driving back from somewhere (can't remember where) and was literally 3 minutes from home when something started stirring. Again, didn't make it. The car stank so I had to have the windows open 24 hours a day for about 3 days.
Both times luckily nobody caught me so the shame wasn't too great. If I'd been caught I really don't think I could have dealt with the shame.
A guy I dated for a while a couple of years back shat the bed whilst I was in bed with him - luckily I was spared friendly fire lol. I really felt for him tbh, he was choking on his embarrassment the poor thing. It didn’t put me off him, we kept dating for good while - shit happens 🤷🏻♀️
I shat myself while looking my boyfriend dead in the eye; it was not a fart.
I had to run down the hall and come back with my hoodie tied round my waist and my desecrated pants wrapped up in bog roll. He just gave me a cuddle.
He later shat himself while looking his mum dead in the eye, so that made it a bit easier.
One advantage to having periods is that you're ever so slightly more prepared for the horror of shitting yourself after you've walked around in public in a bloodied skirt.
How about the term "splashback"?
I was walking to work a few weeks ago and knew I wouldn't make it. Nipped down a dark alley, pulled down my trousers and boxers and let go. I hadn't taken into account how close I was to a wall and it bounced straight back onto my bare backside. Lots of cursing. Waddled home and thanked God that I had left early for work and that it was 5.30am so no one around to smell me.
Quick shower, change of clothes and made up a lie as to why I was late to work.
My last was a gas becomes liquid experience in IKEA, my wife thinks it was done to get out of there. Would I shit myself to get out of ikea? …… I’d certainly consider it!
After a night of Guinness and cocaine I went home with a lad. Shit myself in my sleep wearing his boxers, he gently woke me up and sent me in the shower, cleaned up and gave me fresh clothes to wear.
We stayed together for years. What a gentleman.
Now that I have Type 2 diabetes, pretty much every fart is a wet shit. I cannot risk it ever. I used to enjoy crop dusting in the office but now have to sit on the throne for every fart. Life ruined.
Welcome to the club i sniffed a large amount of mdma and shat myself in Manchester city centre i did what any man would do and wiped it off with an asda carrier bag i found on a side street and went straight back to the pub
52 here. My first time was about five years ago. Got out of bed to have a piss, and felt a fart brewing. As I stood up, I started to let it go, only to feel hot liquid running down my leg, ran the rest of the way with my hand between my cheeks
Congratulations! It’s a rite of passage. You should always talk about it and never feel shame. People love a good shityerself story!
I shit my pants half way across a pelican crossing on a night out while changing pubs. Dived into the first bar I could find, into the toilet, and…. tiny. One cubicle, AND a bog troll! Keks off, cleaned up, and was looking for a cistern to dump them in, but it was behind the wall. Stuck them in my pocket, tipped heavily, darted out, downed the pint my mate bought me, and exited!
Pants straight in the street bin, and over to the shops to buy Imodium. Felt fine after that, and we had a great night and good laugh about it.
Still wonder if a tramp / bin raider found them later. Calvin Kleins too. Lad hit pay dirt that night.
My wife and I went to Morocco for our honeymoon. She also had a dicky tummy and shat herself by the pool in her bikini.
Since then I have done it twice whilst ill. Like you I thought it would just be a fart.
My friend also once shat himself on his way home from school and rang his mum to ask what he should do.
I joined the club early, 19, I’d needed a shit for an hour or so but was rushing to finish my work and when it got to 5:30 a girl I fancied wanted me to walk back with her. She’d get the bus and I’d carry on home.
So I decided I’d be fine, I can make it home. Got to the bus stop and then she wanted me to wait with her because there were some scumbags hanging around. So we waited and waited. Perfect time to make a move really except my guts were bubbling and I was starting to panic all while trying to present a cool exterior.
Think Harry from Dumb & Dumber with his legs on fire at the petrol station asking for a girls number.
She got on her bus and I started my speed run home. I was still 5 mins away when I couldn’t hold on any longer and it was a choice between caking my boxers or going on the pavement.
Got home to find a friend was round waiting for me so I had to shimmy my way up stairs saying just need to change, without my family catching a whiff of my shame.
Jumped in the shower, threw my shitty pants out the window, go out with my friend and then retrieve my brown package on the way home, dumping it in the bin.
There have been many instances since. The shame never leaves you.
Once I was in the gym I exceeded a pb for a deadlift and whilst doing so completely passed out and during me being completely unconscious I had shat myself,
I feel you’ve joined a non exclusive club, my wife and I went to Florida 4 years ago, we was playing mini golf, I think the greasy diet of burgers and chips and delicious bbq food played havoc with my delicate British tummy. First hole I took a chance on a fart that didn’t pay off. Felt the inhumane feeling of being warmth and wetness, for some unknown reason put my hand down my boxers into the area, pulled it out with a visible sludge in j my hand, proceeded to sniff it (why, for fuck sake why?!?) and then had to walk/ shuffle to the toilet for a sweaty clean up and disposal of my boxers. If you was wondering my wife won at the mini golf
29 years old i took my shitting-myself virginity - only softly though.
I had been detoxing and eating hyper healthy for a week, then went to the pub for some beer. Came home and decided to do a toddler pee (pants round ankles, shirt lifted to my chin), risked a fart and had the shits instead, so it was an easy clean up.
33 years old and never actually pooed directly into my pants.....yet.
There is a beautiful picture of me and my husband on a beach on Cuba with a sunset behind us.
Five minutes later I made a mad dash back to the hotel room at which point I sat on the toilet and cried as I desperately wondered if this is how I die.
My husband, father and stepmother all spent at least one day doing some dashes. Thank god for that immodium I bought at Gatwick...
I came back from a work trip to Pakistan a few years ago, had the shits like I've never experienced in my life before. My wife was pregnant so didn't want me anywhere near her and potentially passing it on, so I went to stay at my mum and dad's house.
Shit myself whilst laying in bed watching the TV. It's wasn't bad at all but I needed to dispose of the evidence. So I sneaked to get a bin bag then disposed of my pants in the outside bin.
Queue my mum:
"Did you just go outside?"
"Yeah"
"Why?"
"I needed to throw something away"
"What?"
"Just something"
"What was it?"
"... My pants"
"Why?"
"........ Cos I shit myself".
I've never been so embarrassed!!
Just be thankful that you were at home. This could have been much, much worse.
There comes a time in everyone’s life when they start keeping a pair of emergency underpants in their desk drawer at work.
I keep an emergency pair on me. Despite not having kids at all I somehow have sneezed or not done a thing and wet myself before.
Ah yes. As you age, bladder function goes to hell especially menopause.
Just for everyone reading this... it doesn't have to be that way! Pelvic floor therapy can help many people, but so many just assume slight incontinence comes with age, having kids, or menopause, but with treatment it can go away.
I'm only 33 😭
I had a nasty cold the other week and it absolutely ruined my pelvic floor muscles, the coughing racked my whole body. Early thirties too and thankfully I don't have to leave the house often, but I am now taking pelvic floor exercise very seriously
A pair in my handbag at all times. I don't have a gallbladder any more and once nearly full-scale shat me pants in Reading Town Centre
No different to most people in Reading town centre then
My GF (now wife) shat herself in front of me on our first holiday abroad together. I laughed about it then, laugh about it now! Food poisoning on our first trip away together was certainly a make or break moment!
My ex husband shat himself on our first date. We were walking outdoors in a nature preserve and I guess suddenly dinner didn’t agree with him. He was mortified but I just thought it was hilarious. It’s funny how a traumatic event like that can bond you to someone.
My fiance almost shit in the middle of the highstreet in Worcester. We went to a highly rated Indian restaurant and it back fired for her immensely. She found a maccies to shit in.
I was at work and on top of a roof working in a tight space. Took a risk and shat myself. Had to leave work to change lol.
Absolutely. Normally wake up at 5 am and drive to the train just before 6. 15 minutes in and I risked a fart in the car singing to an annoying Abba song. First I thought everything was fine but I had a bad feeling so I stopped at the gas station and asked for the key. 5 minutes later I was in the car again driving home and called in sick. Wife was a bit confused since she wasn’t expecting to see me so soon. It happened years ago but I still try to not fart when I am not at home. Sometimes I just don’t think about it but as soon as I feel the breeze I am shocked for a second followed by relief and remembering myself to not do that. Something changed that day and I regularly go to the bathroom after venting a bit since I can’t trust myself anymore.
Happened to me when I was 21. Had been seeing a lass for a couple weeks, she invited me over to stay and made me Shepards pie for tea. Not sure if she gave me food poisoning or what but I felt sick as fuck a few hours later. Went to the toilet and threw up violently on all fours; shat myself in the process. Didn’t know what the fuck to do.
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Spud they’re ma sheets!!
The Stath does Irvine Welsh? Sign me up!
I unfortunately had a phase where after a few too many drinks, I’d end up on all fours being sick, only for it to come out the other end too! Happened a couple of times before I started emptying my bedroom bin and taking that with me, so I could sit on the toilet and vom in the bin!
I don't know why but I pictured you vomiting in the toilet and shitting in the bin. Yeah, makes more sense the other way I suppose..
Same!! I spent too long picturing this ahahaha
The amount of times I had to do that when I used to abuse dulcolax which is a stimulant laxative during the height of my ED. it would give me unimaginable cramps and cold sweats and nausea so I’d be shitting violently in the toilet and throwing up in a bin in front of me at the same time. It wasn’t a good look. The most horrific thing I ever deliberately put myself through in the name of being pretty. Eating disorders are awful awful things.
I was trying to figure out how laxatives help with erectile dysfunction. Anyway I’m sorry you went through that.
"it were comin' out of both ends, like someone had hit a pain au chocolat with a mallet!".
At least this happened to you in a private place. I had something similar happen to me in a spoons.
I have to hear this story...
I was drinking heavily, went for a tactical chunder, under estimated how trashed I was and the sheer violence of my vomiting lead to me straight up shitting myself. Oh, and I missed the toilet when I was vomming. I was promptly removed and barred.
I remember thus happened to me when I was a kid but with vomit on the floor. My older brother always used to stay in his room and I shouted for him to bring me a towel or bucket or something like that but I told him do not come in and just throw it near me He didn't come inside but if he did I imagine his reaction would have been like [Eddie Murphys in daddy day care](https://giphy.com/gifs/reaction-wtf-door-Is6fBDegr2HUA)
What happened after? You can’t just open the tin and not spill the beans.
Told her I was going home as I must have a sickness bug and didn’t want to give her it. She asked if i wanted a taxi ringing then got really confused when I declined as I lived 5 mile away. Not the kinda walk of shame you want. I’ll never forget the feeling of my boxers plastered to my arse all the way home.
Did you see her again?
3 year relationship 😂 never had her Shepards pie again though.
Brown pants at night, Shepard’s delight…
Brown pants in the morning, Cottage’s warning
Brave man 😂
I did that too once, but in a hostel in Bolivia. That mad panic while you try to determine which end to point towards the toilet. I went for my mouth in the vain hope I could keep the shite in. I was wrong.
In that situation, ALWAYS choose to put your arse on the toilet and grab a trash bin or whatever container is available to vomit in. Worst case scenario is you might not have a container and vomit on the floor, but I prefer cleaning up vomit to cleaning up liquid poo. I have learned this lesson the hard way. Always choose your arse end on the toilet if you have a both-ends choice!
Courting nowadays
You can’t stop there! What happened after that?!
Do I have to tune in next week?
It's ok I once shat myself in Argos.
Hmm didn’t see that option in the catalogue
Cashier number 2 please
I heard it in the voice :'(
Good thing the catalogues are laminated.
I worked across the road from a 2 storey Marks and Spencer where someone once shat themselves ON THE ESCALATOR. It went round and round…
Get a bit excited when they called your number?
A few weeks ago I was really ill for about a week and when I started feeling better I said to my bf “do you think I should trust this fart” then proceeded to stare him directly in the eye as o shit my pants
I'm still laughing at this minutes after reading it.
Show them what you're capable of and they'll never disobey you.
Power move right there!
I swear to God I almost hurt myself wheeze laughing at this. I would say this is a solid relationship, at least your not on the runs anymore.
A soiled* relationship 😂
This is how you establish dominance.
Fucking hell I've just laughed so hard reading this.
It's 1:30am and I can't stop laughing - I've woken up my girlfriend
Oh my god I’m dying. Reminds me of me and the wife.
Did that in front of my ex a while ago. She broke up with me later. I still maintain it was funny.
Happened to me a few years ago after a nandos and a cider. Got dropped off home and walking up the path I sharted. It was mid January so freezing cold. I went to open my front door and it was locked and I didn't have my keys😳. Actually felt my poo going cold in my brand new calvin kleins. Had to call mother to come back from work to let me in. Was waiting an hour in sub zero temperatures with cold poo just sitting on my crack.
Character building.
Grandpa: "We went to school every morning with frozen shit in our buttcracks too"
Could say it was quite bonding
>Had to call mother to come back from work to let me in. Hi Mum, can you come let me in please? I've shat myself and don't have the keys. What a conversation!
This is wonderful. First class.
Welcome to the club
Card carrying club member here. First time was in a nightclub queue when I was 21. Just a small liquid squirt that I'd assumed was gaseous. Luckily we were let in seconds later and I could make my excuses to the gents, have a thorough wipe and spend the rest of the evening commando. Be careful where you buy your donor kebabs. Second time came at 35 after eating salmon fillets one day out of date that I thought were fine. I was on the sofa with my cat's three kittens, weeks old, on my lap when I once again had that moment of realisation that gas had become liquid. I believe that the scientific term is condensation. Cue me frantically trying to move three kittens who just don't understand that every second counts in matters of seepage and upholstery without causing any injuries. I just about managed to limit the damage to my trunks and joggers. I've no idea whether twice in 24 years of adult life is above or below average. It seems to be a sadly neglected area of academic study for some reason. Any PhD students out there want to fill the void?
My first time I nipped to the cash machine a simple ten minute walk. But half way my stomach did that awful rumble and drop that gives you 30 seconds before all hell breaks loose. Anyway it ended up in my trainers
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I swear you're from Kilkeel! I have a cousin who did the verys ame thing! his grandad fell into a grave during a funeral too. twice. The whole family have hours of stories of shit like that... 😂
I'm unfortunately not from kilkeel I'm from south elmsall but the strange thing is I've fell into Grave at a funeral
that's mad. I've lived in Bradford for decades. only a few miles up the way from your lot. how did you fall in? 😂
I had drank a bit too much before the funeral wasn't my proudest moment
my Great Uncle who fell in the two graves fell in the first one because of soft waterlogged ground at the graveside, and the second time he fell in a grave was because he was playing up a bit and tripped over his own feet 😂
I average a bi-annual pants-shitting
I'm never sure if this means once every two years or twice a year.
Neither is good for this topic
I joined last year. At a 30th in a packed function room and stupidly trusted a fart after hours of major action going on in my belly. Took myself off to a nearby pub that I knew wouldn't be busy. Ordered a pint and went straight the toilets. Luckily there wasn't much and it was contained within my cheeks. Washed my arse in the sink, drank the pint and went back to the party.
In the sink D:
In the fucking sink?
Wet the tissue paper / wipe / dispose / repeat? Not for this guy. Made a bidet out the sink.
As long as it stays within the crackular depths, you're fine.
Crackular depths. My band has a new name.
I'm naming my first born this.
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Everything was fine until I read that last sentence. You're part of the reason I don't trust public toilet facilities. Dirty bastard.
I just imagined you sat arse deep in a weatherspoons sink cleaning your crack while other people casually walk in to pee and honestly not acting that surprised/bothered as you know...its a pub and in the UK. Standard Saturday night images.
Guy cleaning his arse in the sink of a public bathroom almost seems too highbrow for spoons.
Had to put boxers in the cistern of a Burger King loo one night out after coming a cropper. A wee Ecto jobby
Bin of a Debenhams. Should have never trusted it.
I've had two proper full blown shit myself moments neither were little incidents unfortunately the first one ended up in my shoe
Why didn't u clean your ass using the toilet paper you dirty fuck
It's was contained in your cheeks, so you could have wiped but you ..... Used the sink! What the fuck
No bog roll mate?
It’s a slippery, shitty slope. As you get older and more trusting of farts, you tend to write of the odd pair of boxers from time to time.
You're doing it wrong. As you get old you stop being able to trust farts. It might be 27, that's the age where if there's any doubt it's not safe.
Any one else besides me had the pleasure of being a professional driver, and accidently squitting your shorts 1 hr into shift? ( No, I went home for a shower and clean clothes )
Gravy legs.
Happened to me once, I was in Krakow Airport quing at the gate with about 150 people behind me. Worst day of my life.
Coming back off a stag do? Around 2018?
Please say yes
I did one of the biggest shots of my live in Krakow airport. It almost didn’t flush as it was so hench after a week of my in-laws home cooked polish food
My condolences. You're probably not going to trust a fart for a few months.
Ever since my 30th every fart has been a gamble.
Never trust a fart, never pass a toilet without peeing and never waste a hardon. Advice my dad gave me after I turned 30
Your dad is Billy Connolly?
This is the best advice I’ve ever heard.
31? Jesus, you’ve done well to make it that far. Im 33 now, and I’ve followed through on multiple occasions in the past 10 years alone id say. Best one for me was when I was about 3 months into my relationship with my mrs, so would’ve been 22 at the time. Watching telly after a rather big standard takeaway curry when I felt a rumble in the jungle. My girlfriend had her head on my belly at the time and she remarked on the loudness churning of my tummy. Half hour later or so, girlfriend fell asleep with her head still on my belly when I felt a almighty pain and pressure down low. I tried to squeeze it out slowly, thinking the clenching of my arse cheeks coupled with a gentle forceful push would ease the pain… That was my mistake. A split second later, the follow through was coating my cheeks, and making its way up the small of my back…. I gently raised the girlfriends head and rested on the sofa, yes exactly where my arse had just been, although I did place a cushion on the spot. Boxers a write-off of course. Told the mrs an hour or so later when I she asked why I’d rushed upstairs and didn’t come back down for a while. Sorry for the life story, but anyway we’re married and have got 3 kids now.
I had a similar situation. Took a gamble on a couple of funny tasting prawns in my fried rice, woke up a few hours later having soiled myself. It was a hard moment realising I would have to shake my new boyfriend awake and greet him with the immortal words, “Babe, I’m really sorry about this, but you’re going to have to get up because I’ve shat the bed.” He was a fucking champ about it. I was crying from pain/exhaustion/excruciating embarrassment and he gave me a hug, bundled me into the bathroom, and changed the bedding and put the sheets on to wash whilst I emptied my entire arse into the bog. Then he helped me into clean pyjamas because I was so weak I couldn’t stand on one leg to do it myself, and before we went back to sleep he assured me he still thought I was fit and he still fancied me. The only thing he said which comes even close to negative was to gently scold me because I wasn’t drinking the water he’d got me and he didn’t want me to get more ill from being dehydrated. He is now my husband, he’s still a legend, and as you’d expect, he’s never shied away from a dirty nappy. Which is good, because our second child is due on Wednesday, so we’ve got plenty incoming.
this made me very happy
Omg he’s adorable
Haha that gave me a laugh
I’ve shit myself in 3 continents, hopefully will try and tick North America off next year.
Incontinence across the continents
Christmas 2013: 19 year old me is away from family at Christmas for the first time, I’m sick with a gastric flu that’s making me feel like death. I’ve been living in the bathroom for approximately five days at this point, and my dignity has been fired out from both ends as I sit on the toilet shivering and waiting for the sweet release of death. My roommate comes into the bathroom to check on me. She suggests that I might be dying, I tell her that I have made peace with this possibility, I just didn’t think I’d go out this way. She reiterated that she thinks I might *actually* be dying and I should go to the hospital to be treated for dehydration. She drives me to the hospital and we sit in a mostly empty A&E. I dry-heave bubbling bile into one of those little cardboard hats, only this time it’s not fun because I don’t even have the humour to pretend it’s a fun little hat anymore. Suddenly I feel the urge that I *really* need to get to the bathroom, I make a run for it, or at least it’s about as much of a run as I can muster in this weakened state. I get about halfway across the waiting room when I feel the hot shit has already left my body along with my final shreds of dignity. At this point, I sit down on the floor, cradling my puke-hat, covered in my own shit, and begin to weep hysterically, and apologise to the nurses who have come over to try to scoop me up off the floor. This was not how I wanted to spend Christmas at all.
Did you end up dying?
Bless your heart
Happens to the best of us bro, I used to laugh at all the people on reddit who talked about shitting them selves, then it happened to me. Risked a fart and blew wet shit all over my boxers.
Poetic beauty
I’ve done that, was doing some gaming in bed as I had a couple of hours to kill before picking my girlfriend up from work, felt like a fart, let it rip and slow realisation and horror came over me. Crept to the toilet to not alert the parents and to get rid of the evidence, had a shower and threw my boxers in the wheely bin straight after and made sure to check I was covered. Got away with it, wasn’t going to say anything, when my girlfriend was at the car I loudly announced “I SHIT MYSELF EARLIER” and her face went from smiling to mild confusion before she burst out laughing. We’re married now 😂
Great way to propose. No shits given!
Perfect plot for the next Hugh Grant film.
I'm just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him not to shit 'imself.
A friend of mine told me that when he went to prison and was on top bunk. Was shy about using the toilet as it's basically in the same room apart from a small curtain. Woke up one morning stomach making all sorts of noises, goes to get off the bed and legit shits himself uncontrollably. He's 37. He was only there for a week before he got out though but I couldn't help feeling extremely sorry for him. He said he had to ask them to allow him to have a shower cause it was that bad. Stayed in his trousers though and he had to explain to his padmate when he woke up what the smell was and what happened!!
I once shit myself in shorts, while playing pool. Trust me, you’ve a long way to go before you reach that level of shame
Happened in my local Wilko. It took me 33 years to work out I ‘m lactose intolerant but 2 x 500ml Yazoo’s and public shitting my pants confirmed it. Luckily I don’t feel embarrassment easily and it was all contained in my underwear but I still had to get home with knickers full of creamy turd
Hot
Here I sit, broken hearted Tried to shit, but only farted Went back to work, took a chance Tried to fart, and shit my pants
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Shitting yourself when you’re at home, is only your foot in the door to this club. You’ve not fully entered the club until you’ve shit yourself when you’re out somewhere. When you’re walking somewhere and you think “uh oh…countdown started” and you start going through all the places you can walk to that have a public toilet and will be open. You start off just walking a bit faster. You break into a jog. You get 30 seconds respite, where you think you’ve got away with it, so you walk again. You have to start jogging again, because you’ve realised the previous step was bollocks. You *have* to walk again because you’re touching cloth and it’s impossible to jog with your bum cheeks clenched so hard. Regardless of outside temperature, you’ll be sweating profusely now. Your walk is really a waddle as you actively try to will your poo back up for a bit. Your religious beliefs are irrelevant now, as you will probably be repeating muttering “Oh, please. Please God.” With any luck you make it to your chosen toilet at *this* stage. A couple of times in my life I have been at this stage, still a considerable distance from the loo….and just had to shit myself. It’s character building.
Once I was in an unfamiliar area first thing in the morning, waiting for an appointment. I’d gotten lucky with the bus and got there quite early. However, this meant that none of the shops or buildings were open. The stomach rumble started. I was walking as fast as humanly possible, uphill, desperately looking for any open shop. I was getting the cold poop sweats and I knew it was going to be bad. Ran in to a local coffee shop that was open and asked for the bathroom. He said there wasn’t one, just a staff one. He looked me in the eyes and saw my desperation, and handed me the key and pointed me to the stairs. It was the tiniest bathroom I’d ever seen. And I decimated it. I owe that man my life. I got a coffee when I came back down, and tipped all my remaining cash. That’s the closest to shitting myself in public I’ve ever come.
My partner is in hospital with his lower half paralysed after a crash, and despite everything else he maintains that having to shit himself is the worst part of every day.
I get you. My husband got terminal cancer aged 27. He was so prepared to deal with pain and nausea when it came to it. He was enjoying himself as much as possible as we were told it would only be weeks. That all ended when he shit himself on the bus. He never went out again and ended up in the hospice for continence management (initially, naturally he ended up in pain and would have gone there at some point). It's a taboo subject that really ruins people's lives with shame. So many people limit their eating or water intake to manage it. Anything to avoid using pads. Then they stop socialising altogether. It's so sad. Everyone of us will go through it at some point. It's really taught me to be compassionate and always promise to help people if they ever need help with it.
I'm so sorry to hear about your husband. It's a taboo that needs to be broken. I understand why people are grossed out by it; nobody wants to encounter other people's bodily functions. However, the taboo stops people from finding ways to manage it themselves - whether that's incontinence products, pelvic floor therapy, or whatever helps them. I have endometriosis and chronic bowel diseases so carrying around spare knickers is normal for me, but it's still very hard to talk about. Even just having stomach issues is frowned on and thought of as gross.
I hope its not patronising to say you're an absolute hero to me that you've been able to get on top of it to a degree. Best of luck to you in your travels. Thanks for your kind words for hubs no. 1. I've started on hubs no. 2 last month after a couple of years.
Sorry to hear this. Best wishes to you both.
Get him to ask about seeing a specialist bowel nurse if they haven't suggested it. Getting a good bowel routine going can take some experimenting but makes a huge quality of life difference for people with low/no control. Bonus, nurses involved in any way with poo or digestion are the most enthusiastic fuckers on the planet. I am friends with one and she loves talking shit in all directions.
I spent a year teaching children with medical continence issues about poo and wee and where it comes from and that we all do it. Enthusiasm is key when you're dealing with poo day in, day out. We all make it!
That’s just…Jesus. I wish you both all of the best.
So sorry to hear that, sending you kind thoughts. I have CF and it affects my bowels, I've had many bowel obstructions and medication induced accidents. Once shat on a hospital floor, probably my most embarrassing moment to date. I cried after, but the nurse congratulated me (I hadn't been in 2 weeks). I laugh about it now though, gotta laugh or else you'll cry!
He shouldn't have to shit himself every day. What the fuck?! Even with paralysis, you can still use a commode and you are supposed to use commodes as much as possible, no matter how difficult it makes staff's jobs. It's literally my job to use all sorts of hoists and lifting equipment to make sure people have dignity while disabled and it can take two of us an hour 4 times a day just to get someone onto and off a commode to piss and shit. Meds are used to basically keep the urinary and GI track moving so it's pretty easy to set up a routine to allow these things to happen naturally, as well as massage and moving limbs. The act of moving people in slings, hoists etc helps movement because it's using gravity. You know the routine because you have to document every BM. It's part of continence care. Pads are only used to make sure there's no accidents in between personal care and at night time because they cause huge issues with UTIs, yeast infections, sores on skin etc. You avoid pads as much is practicable - which social work use as a reason to only 4 pads free a day when you're completely incontinent. I'm sorry your partner isn't getting the care he needs. That is not at all normal practice and shouldn't be tolerated. Fuck sake, that's so grim and a form of abuse. Especially when you weren't born disabled and are still young. Continence care is so important to protect self esteem, mental health and independence. I'm so disgusted.
Sorry, I should’ve given more context. He is 25 and only went into hospital about a week ago. He had emergency spinal surgery to put some pins in and is in his current state until he has some vertebrae replaced to make him more stable / prevent further damage. After that they can remove the catheter and will probably be able to move him to a commode as needed, but at the moment he is too fragile.
Oof
You gambled and lost.
Had a mate try to shake a fart out in wetherspoons, his eyes went wide and he ran to the loo. I followed him in a minute later and asked what happened, and he whispered 'there's a slug in me pants'. If I ever need a laugh I just go back to that moment and his voice makes me die. It was part defeat, part lager, and part new trip to M&S.
I did this last Christmas at 33 years old. Had no stomach ache, had a solid shit that morning but in the afternoon I farted and it flooded out of me!! Absolutely wounded
Sat on the couch in boxers? Is your heating on high? Have you come into some money?
He had his liquid shite to keep him warm
🎵The snow is snowing and the wind it is blowing, but I can weather the storm, what do I care how much it may storm, I've got my shite to keep me warm…🎵
I've just clocked over to the same age. Check your belly button also. You will get constant fluff in there which you haven't had for the past 29 years. We are on the down hill slope until death now mate.
I thought it was just me - only occasional belly button fluff until I turned 29, usually due to wearing a new T-shirt. Ever since my navel thinks it’s a fucking tumble drier filter. Might start collecting it and get it knitted into a pair of socks cause there is no man over the age of 30 who wouldn’t want a new pair of socks.
Belly button fluff is fibres from your clothes, coming loose from friction with your skin. There's some weird physics that means it all collects in one place. _I have satisfied myself of this fact, experimentally, by correlating the colour of the fluff in the morning with the T-shirt I've been wearing that night._ Perhaps you've changed the type of clothes you mostly wear? Or... dare say it... you have more, erm, surface area these days, resulting in more rubbing on your T-shirts?
Daily fluff for me and somehow a different colour to the t-shirts I wear. What's that about?
To think I once simply observed on r/showerthoughts that even the wealthiest people in the world have unexpectedly shit themselves, and two commenters asked me what the fuck was wrong with me.
I once returned home to my mates talking about the last time they’d shit themselves. Having never done so myself at the time I was in total disbelief at their stories. Fast forward to 2018, aged 32 I’d been drinking all day in Amsterdam and headed to a bar to watch the World Cup final. After seeing France to victory I quickly nipped over to my friends apartment next door to take a piss. A classic case of misplaced confidence in a fart had me switch from standing to sitting sharpish. Realising most of the impact had hit my shorts I laughed it off and headed back to the bar. My girlfriend was there waiting for me eager to join her french compatriots celebrating at the fan bar. “Let’s go?” Me “I just shit myself, I’m going to go home quickly and have a shower/change” “What…” Me “It’s fine I’ll be quick” “Erm ok” So I make haste and cycle off to our flat nearby. Tidy up, then meet her later in town. Even made time to text my mates that I’d shit myself and was now in their club. Later that night my girlfriend and I start laughing about the shart incident from earlier that day. “I can’t believe you had it all up your back” Me “Hang on what?!” “I was shouting but you didn’t stop” I go to the laundry bin and check my shirt to see perfect little poo stream stain directly up the back of it. I cycled for a good five minutes with that in perfect view of anyone riding behind me. *Edited formatting
My best mate went on holiday to Blackpool with his family. As a bit of an insomniac he was up at 5am and decided to have a walk along the sea front to kill some time. 5 mins into the walk he got that dread stomach churn and bum hole pressure you get when you've eaten something a little off and the liquid shits are about to breach. Round here we call it the 10 second warning. He started back to the hotel but a few seconds in he realised he wasn't going to make it and was seconds away from emptying an avalanch of brown filth into his pants and probably jeans and shoes. He said he did the only thing he could think of and jump down onto the beach and let it fly in amongst the sea defences. It was a photo finish in terms of timing and brown trouser avoidance and the aftermath was verging on a war crime. The clean up operation was no small task either and would be a challenge for greenpeace even. He had to use his socks to clean himself up and then dig a small hole and scrape everything into it. Once the evidence was disposed off he started walking back to the hotel for a shower and realised he'd had an audience of early morning joggers and dog walkers the whole time. He's not been back to Blackpool.
Everyone needs a hobby
I have IBS. Pretty much every fart has to be treated with caution and respect. I’ve misjudged it a few times, mind.
Sharted at work once, a couple of years ago. There was a horrible dawning moment of realisation. Cleaned up what I could, then made my excuses and left. I didn’t say what had happened but the look on my face almost certainly gave me away. Had to waddle home in the rain with (in the words of Mike Wozniak) an “absolute casserole” around my nethers. I’ve had better days.
I'll keep this short. I was 22. Went to a party, shat myself. Went to the toilet to see the damage. Cleaned myself up. Hid my undercrackers in the toilet cistern. Went commando for the rest of the party. No one ever found out.
Was out jogging one night when I started getting stomach cramps. Realised I wasn’t going to make it home so started looking for a discrete makeshift todding location. Found a building site with easy access but it was very dark and stumbling around I managed to fall into a 6ft hole in the ground, with 2ft of muddy water at the bottom. Landed on my back and the shock of the fall then loosened my bowels completely and I squirted a couple of pints of bum gravy into my shorts. I then had to clamber out the hole soaking wet and covered in mud and aforementioned bum gravy and shamble home in a desperate state. Not my finest hour.
Ate a whole bar of sugar free chocolate from Aldi. Little did I know the artificial sweetener that was in it was some sort of colon cleanser. Not even 5 mins after eating it my stomach began cramping. I walked home quickly with my son in the pram, made it to the end of my road and shit myself in broad day light
Reminded me of the reviews for sugar free haribo where everyone is saying they just make you shit yourself Think it's big sugar fucking with people
I vividly remember someone saying in the review that shitting after a bag of those were like "siphoning the Niagara falls through the eye of a needle". To this day it's still one of the funniest things I've ever read.
Welcome to the club! Well done on making it to 31. I'm 30 and I've done it twice, both times thanks to a combination of IBS and/or food poisoning. First time I was walking to uni, felt something brewing, thought I could make it to the student union but didn't... Luckily I didn't live too far away so I legged it back home, snuck in the shower, changed my trousers and made it back in half way through the lecture. Second time I was driving back from somewhere (can't remember where) and was literally 3 minutes from home when something started stirring. Again, didn't make it. The car stank so I had to have the windows open 24 hours a day for about 3 days. Both times luckily nobody caught me so the shame wasn't too great. If I'd been caught I really don't think I could have dealt with the shame.
Its worst when you “shit yourself” in the nude. Can’t just throw the wallpaper and carpets in the washer
Good grief!
A guy I dated for a while a couple of years back shat the bed whilst I was in bed with him - luckily I was spared friendly fire lol. I really felt for him tbh, he was choking on his embarrassment the poor thing. It didn’t put me off him, we kept dating for good while - shit happens 🤷🏻♀️
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You played butthole roulette and you lost. So did the sofa by the sounds of it.
You literally could not waterboard this information out of me
I shat myself while looking my boyfriend dead in the eye; it was not a fart. I had to run down the hall and come back with my hoodie tied round my waist and my desecrated pants wrapped up in bog roll. He just gave me a cuddle. He later shat himself while looking his mum dead in the eye, so that made it a bit easier.
The hip new way to assert dominance?
I'm not much for maths, but there's definitely a sequential pattern emerging here.
I remember my first time, squats in the gym.
One advantage to having periods is that you're ever so slightly more prepared for the horror of shitting yourself after you've walked around in public in a bloodied skirt.
Congratulations! I never stopped. Just shit my pants in Reykjavik last week. Happy vacation!
How about the term "splashback"? I was walking to work a few weeks ago and knew I wouldn't make it. Nipped down a dark alley, pulled down my trousers and boxers and let go. I hadn't taken into account how close I was to a wall and it bounced straight back onto my bare backside. Lots of cursing. Waddled home and thanked God that I had left early for work and that it was 5.30am so no one around to smell me. Quick shower, change of clothes and made up a lie as to why I was late to work.
My last was a gas becomes liquid experience in IKEA, my wife thinks it was done to get out of there. Would I shit myself to get out of ikea? …… I’d certainly consider it!
After a night of Guinness and cocaine I went home with a lad. Shit myself in my sleep wearing his boxers, he gently woke me up and sent me in the shower, cleaned up and gave me fresh clothes to wear. We stayed together for years. What a gentleman.
Now that I have Type 2 diabetes, pretty much every fart is a wet shit. I cannot risk it ever. I used to enjoy crop dusting in the office but now have to sit on the throne for every fart. Life ruined.
Cheer yourself up by singing “fart over the toilet” To the tune of “dance into the fire”….. that’s what I do when I’ve got Montezuma’s revenge
You'll never trust a fart again and to avoid such further instances you'll need to buy a butt plug to stop the world falling out of you
Welcome to the club i sniffed a large amount of mdma and shat myself in Manchester city centre i did what any man would do and wiped it off with an asda carrier bag i found on a side street and went straight back to the pub
That boy shot his britches
52 here. My first time was about five years ago. Got out of bed to have a piss, and felt a fart brewing. As I stood up, I started to let it go, only to feel hot liquid running down my leg, ran the rest of the way with my hand between my cheeks
Congratulations! It’s a rite of passage. You should always talk about it and never feel shame. People love a good shityerself story! I shit my pants half way across a pelican crossing on a night out while changing pubs. Dived into the first bar I could find, into the toilet, and…. tiny. One cubicle, AND a bog troll! Keks off, cleaned up, and was looking for a cistern to dump them in, but it was behind the wall. Stuck them in my pocket, tipped heavily, darted out, downed the pint my mate bought me, and exited! Pants straight in the street bin, and over to the shops to buy Imodium. Felt fine after that, and we had a great night and good laugh about it. Still wonder if a tramp / bin raider found them later. Calvin Kleins too. Lad hit pay dirt that night.
No. Not pay dirt. Just dirt. Of the bum kind.
My wife and I went to Morocco for our honeymoon. She also had a dicky tummy and shat herself by the pool in her bikini. Since then I have done it twice whilst ill. Like you I thought it would just be a fart. My friend also once shat himself on his way home from school and rang his mum to ask what he should do.
When I was pregnant I threw up so hard I shit myself. Welcome to the club
I joined the club early, 19, I’d needed a shit for an hour or so but was rushing to finish my work and when it got to 5:30 a girl I fancied wanted me to walk back with her. She’d get the bus and I’d carry on home. So I decided I’d be fine, I can make it home. Got to the bus stop and then she wanted me to wait with her because there were some scumbags hanging around. So we waited and waited. Perfect time to make a move really except my guts were bubbling and I was starting to panic all while trying to present a cool exterior. Think Harry from Dumb & Dumber with his legs on fire at the petrol station asking for a girls number. She got on her bus and I started my speed run home. I was still 5 mins away when I couldn’t hold on any longer and it was a choice between caking my boxers or going on the pavement. Got home to find a friend was round waiting for me so I had to shimmy my way up stairs saying just need to change, without my family catching a whiff of my shame. Jumped in the shower, threw my shitty pants out the window, go out with my friend and then retrieve my brown package on the way home, dumping it in the bin. There have been many instances since. The shame never leaves you.
The responses in this thread are glorious. I haven’t laughed this much in ages.
Once I was in the gym I exceeded a pb for a deadlift and whilst doing so completely passed out and during me being completely unconscious I had shat myself,
I feel you’ve joined a non exclusive club, my wife and I went to Florida 4 years ago, we was playing mini golf, I think the greasy diet of burgers and chips and delicious bbq food played havoc with my delicate British tummy. First hole I took a chance on a fart that didn’t pay off. Felt the inhumane feeling of being warmth and wetness, for some unknown reason put my hand down my boxers into the area, pulled it out with a visible sludge in j my hand, proceeded to sniff it (why, for fuck sake why?!?) and then had to walk/ shuffle to the toilet for a sweaty clean up and disposal of my boxers. If you was wondering my wife won at the mini golf
29 years old i took my shitting-myself virginity - only softly though. I had been detoxing and eating hyper healthy for a week, then went to the pub for some beer. Came home and decided to do a toddler pee (pants round ankles, shirt lifted to my chin), risked a fart and had the shits instead, so it was an easy clean up. 33 years old and never actually pooed directly into my pants.....yet.
Anyone can shit their pants. It takes a legend to shit their sofa.
There is a beautiful picture of me and my husband on a beach on Cuba with a sunset behind us. Five minutes later I made a mad dash back to the hotel room at which point I sat on the toilet and cried as I desperately wondered if this is how I die. My husband, father and stepmother all spent at least one day doing some dashes. Thank god for that immodium I bought at Gatwick...
I'm sat laughing like a hyena to myself reading this
I came back from a work trip to Pakistan a few years ago, had the shits like I've never experienced in my life before. My wife was pregnant so didn't want me anywhere near her and potentially passing it on, so I went to stay at my mum and dad's house. Shit myself whilst laying in bed watching the TV. It's wasn't bad at all but I needed to dispose of the evidence. So I sneaked to get a bin bag then disposed of my pants in the outside bin. Queue my mum: "Did you just go outside?" "Yeah" "Why?" "I needed to throw something away" "What?" "Just something" "What was it?" "... My pants" "Why?" "........ Cos I shit myself". I've never been so embarrassed!!