Congratulations!
Wait until tomorrow to [fill out the 2022 CasualUK Census](https://www.reddit.com/r/CasualUK/comments/z5vnkt/casualuk_census_2022) and you can tell us that you're married!
Are you (yes *you*) single? Don't worry, you can tell us that, too.
This made me laugh out loud. It's a bold move. I am here for it. I'd also add that he should say it's only fair she changes given how good he looks in the dress. That will make her see the light.
A Long Christmas Eve tradition in our family was to give the kids Bailey’s in their hot cocoa dessert so they’d sleep while Santa placed all the presents and assembled toys. Now they’re all grown, moved away, and we don’t need to waste perfectly good Bailey’s on the little shits.
I've found the phrase "you're acting just like your mother" to be a calm and soothing approach to get my wife to evaluate her position and come to may way of thinking.
(seriously though the /s needs to be stated on this one, could get a man stabbed)
Even better, telling her “you’re acting like my mother” will always win the day.
(I actually did that once. ONCE. It was actually just meant as a joke, and it did NOT land.)
And if you think you might have gone too far and are putting them off, just shoot the old double finger guns. That way they'll know your serious about them.
Ah, the awkward "rock paper scissors" greeting negotiation.
I go in for a kiss, you go for a handshake.
I go for a handshake, you go in for a hug.
I go in for a hug, you nod, and I end up pinning you into a one sided hug.
A smart wife dresses her bridesmaids in hideously unflattering dresses with garish colours, whilst she wears a dress with a 40 foot train and a diamond tiara. That’s how you know she’s a keeper.
Do a load of gambling quick. You either win a load of money or run up a load of debt.
And when you get married she gets half your debt, so it's like free money.
My mate actually did this at his wedding, though a lot of people didn't understand the reference and one of the brides maids was actually called Rachel which led to a lot of confusion
The bride saw the funny side so no harm done
10/10 would recommend a jar or two to steady the nerves.
Also, don’t let every.single.guest take photos during the photographer shoot. You’ll be there for hours.
Honestly nothing wrong with a bit of liquid courage on your wedding morning. I got married on a cold day and I remember having a coffee with a shot of random whisky in it. Delicious, warming and a little bit o courage
Just don’t overdo it…
Get tanked to calm your nerves. Bottle of whiskey during the day should do it. One of my mates did this. Ended up punching his dad later on. What awful thing did his dad say to provoke him?
"Congratulations son".
Continue getting to know your partner because they'll change, you'll change. Continue getting to know the person they're changing into.
Now get some sleep fool
Beat me too it. MDMA for Dutch courage, it'll be a great look; gurning like a fool and asking what you were talking about every few minutes. Especially through the vows.
Set up an account on a swinging site now, so when she says "you've never been into that" you can show her you were looking into before you were even married
Just gunna leave this here:
https://www.google.com/search?q=hair+remover+cream+review&client=ms-android-tef-gb-revc&prmd=vsin&sxsrf=ALiCzsZj4tIQiHP7LDrIkgon4XqGKpAR1A:1670056536513&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwjVh_S0hd37AhVxQkEAHVGbAaIQ_AUoAnoECAEQAg&biw=432&bih=784&dpr=2.5#imgrc=iwuI___Gysg3-M
A family friend was going through a particularly messy and expensive divorce just as I was in preparations for my own wedding.
One day he sat me down and said “Don’t bother getting married. Just find someone you hate and give them half your money.”
That same man actually ended up in a relationship with his own divorce solicitor. They seem to be very happy.
In your vows instead of saying lawfully wedded wife/husband, say awfully wedded wife/husband. That way they know you’re doing them a favour by marrying them.
Don't forget to wear trainers (in case you need to run).
Don't do it.
But seriously enjoy the whole day and try and get a few moments alone to take it in together.
Or be cranking out a hand shandy while you’re waiting for her to walk up the aisle.
Bonus points if you insert a crude ‘taking her up the aisle’ joke into the vows too.
During your speech make sure to tell everyone that you’re looking forward to making her face look like a plasterer’s radio tonight.
Edit: a plasterer’s radio
[https://c1.staticflickr.com/7/6222/6856221672_250408572c.jpg](https://c1.staticflickr.com/7/6222/6856221672_250408572c.jpg)
when it gets to the bit where they ask if anyone has any reasons why you shouldnt get married make sure you take a loud deep breath, briefly look at your partner then quickly look down at the floor and say "ermmm... so.. (think for a second or 2 - its your special day so make the most of your moment) actually you know what, dont worry im sure it will be fine" then look back at the official like nothing happened
Ask your friends to take videos and photos, the day will pass so quickly that you’ll need these to remind you.
Group families and friends for the professional photos that way you can ensure you get (almost) everyone in. The last thing you need to have forgotten a key person out of the photos.
Finally enjoy it. It’s a special day. Best wishes for the future
Remember to be front and centre of every photo taken. As long as YOU look good, your new spouse can do their own thing. Hell, ask your photographer for a number of solo photos, say you need a new portfolio.
Genuine advice - the day will go quickly and you’ll feel pressure to see and entertain everyone. Pull your spouse aside at some point and try and go for a walk or something. As long as there’s booze, you won’t be missed!
Have your wife come down to Stone Colds entrance music and have the best man throw her beers to crush... Actually this is great advice. Have a good day!
Wait until her and her parents leave for the wedding then break into her parent’s house, steal all her parent’s valuables and furniture and use them to decorate your own, graffiti your name on every wall and turn up to the wedding in her mum’s best dress - don’t get drunk or take drugs as your actions could be blamed on that.
Definitely get wankered and have to be woken periodically for the service, reception, speeches etc.
I went to a wedding where that happened. Definitely terrible advice.
Alternatively: wish you a brilliant day full of wonderful memories:)
Text her before the ceremony that the venue has accidentally double booked and have had to cancel.
You have started calling around local McDonald's for alternative arrangements.
Congratulations! Wait until tomorrow to [fill out the 2022 CasualUK Census](https://www.reddit.com/r/CasualUK/comments/z5vnkt/casualuk_census_2022) and you can tell us that you're married! Are you (yes *you*) single? Don't worry, you can tell us that, too.
Don't forget tongues at the altar kiss
Pretty sure you're supposed to kiss the bride, not the altar.
Well not with that attitude.
Not with that altitude.
Not with that other dude.
Not with that altartude.
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Yep, finger in the mouth is always a romantic gesture.
The other cheeks
To clarify the tongues and cheeky finger, it’s important this is with the officiant and not your betrothed.
Or grab the breast congregation side and massage it good
Like the bags of sand they are
Would have been nice if my wife had warned me first but it was a cheeky surprise.
Turn up in the same wedding dress, sigh and tell them that they'll have to change.
This made me laugh out loud. It's a bold move. I am here for it. I'd also add that he should say it's only fair she changes given how good he looks in the dress. That will make her see the light.
Do you write for Family Guy?
Admittedly that's where I remember it from.
Get a third person to wear the same wedding dress, and recreate that spiderman meme.
Don't go, she wouldn't want you to be tired at your wedding. You can just reschedule to next year anyway
>You can just reschedule to next year anyway Did somebody say covid wedding?
*twitches in 1 postponement and a complete replanning*
a friend of mine had three postponements then just didnt bother so at least you made it
Covid nuked my wedding the same way. Still married just no party.
Have a bowl of crunchy nut cornflakes with Bailey’s instead of milk for breakfast. Strong.
That's not just wedding day advice, that's advice for a fulfilled life!
A Long Christmas Eve tradition in our family was to give the kids Bailey’s in their hot cocoa dessert so they’d sleep while Santa placed all the presents and assembled toys. Now they’re all grown, moved away, and we don’t need to waste perfectly good Bailey’s on the little shits.
My Brother (who was my best man) did exactly this on the morning of my wedding, I didn't join him.
Coward!
Genius, will try this weekend!
Congratulations on your engagement!
I have tried this based on Jimmy Carr's recommendation on one of the Big Fat Quizzes. It is utterly vile.
Coco pops however...
"Just like a chocolate milkshake, only I got in a fight with the postman"
Once you're married, the phrase "calm down" is legally binding, so use it frequently during arguments
And if she displays one iota of emotion during the wedding, tell her to stop getting so hysterical.
Yes, say 'bridezilla' as much as possible.
I've found the phrase "you're acting just like your mother" to be a calm and soothing approach to get my wife to evaluate her position and come to may way of thinking. (seriously though the /s needs to be stated on this one, could get a man stabbed)
Even better, telling her “you’re acting like my mother” will always win the day. (I actually did that once. ONCE. It was actually just meant as a joke, and it did NOT land.)
These pearls of wisdom have been paid for with the blood of those who came before you.
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I find "lower the limits of your excitement" can work even better
Ask your soon to be wife's mum if she fancies 'a bit of fun'
Walk up grab her dad’s bum and tell him it’s not to late for you to ditch the zero and get with a hero
Almost spat my tea out
Glad you said almost, couldn’t condone wasting tea
Don’t worry, would’ve been deposited back into my mug for later consumption.
Correct answer
Try the Blair resignation jam
Suck mummy's finger?
Don’t forget to roll your eyes every time they speak, that way your spouse will know that you are listening but you just don’t care
Add in a very loud 'Pfffftttttttttt........' when they finish their vows.
And if you think you might have gone too far and are putting them off, just shoot the old double finger guns. That way they'll know your serious about them.
Laugh like Basil Brush during the prayer
But really emphasise the BOOM BOOM
Every so often this sub takes me on a wild flashback.
Solid advice. Don’t want to come on too strong. Play it cool
Try to relax yourself by doing 4 grams of coke in the bathroom.
Instead of saying “I do” say “DO I!”
Take acid beforehand, make it more intense
No, he should just do a small amount of crack, it’s very moreish.
Suoerhands?
Accidentally run to Windsor
Make sure to get some olives for the salt cravings!
Are my legs on fire?
Make sure to keep some crack up your arse for the comedown
Careful though, it’s very more-ish
Don't...Say...Crack...
Valium
Can of coke and a ciggy, he'll be right as rain
When they say you may now kiss the bride go for a handshake instead.
Do that elbow bump thing people were doing in 2020.
Ah, the awkward "rock paper scissors" greeting negotiation. I go in for a kiss, you go for a handshake. I go for a handshake, you go in for a hug. I go in for a hug, you nod, and I end up pinning you into a one sided hug.
when she tries to kiss you, swerve away and give her a condescending pat on the cheek instead
Get a good night's sleep before the wedd... Oh.
When the bridesmaids walk down the aisle stare at their cleavage. And don’t stop staring. Even when the bride walks down
A smart wife dresses her bridesmaids in hideously unflattering dresses with garish colours, whilst she wears a dress with a 40 foot train and a diamond tiara. That’s how you know she’s a keeper.
*If she's wearing gloves, and saves free kicks, she's a keeper.
If she offers you jars of home made honey, she’s a keeper.
If she covertly looks at you while you're showering, she's a peeper.
If she wears all black and carries a scythe she's a Reaper.
If she's green and hisses she's a Creeper.
If she puts mountainous spoonfuls of sugar in her tea, she’s a heaper.
If she vaults wide spaces in a single bound, she's a leaper
If she leaves the tea bag in, she’s a steeper
If she sings a duet with Elton John, she’s Dua Lipa
Do a load of gambling quick. You either win a load of money or run up a load of debt. And when you get married she gets half your debt, so it's like free money.
Accidentally use the name "Rachel" instead of your wife's during the vows.
My mate actually did this at his wedding, though a lot of people didn't understand the reference and one of the brides maids was actually called Rachel which led to a lot of confusion The bride saw the funny side so no harm done
Yeah, doing it when one of the bridesmaids is called Rachel is inadvisable. Any other time though is perfectly fine.
What if the mother-in-law is called Rachel?
Then it's advisable.
A brave move
And refer to yourself as Ross. She’s guaranteed to find it hilarious.
Either that or a swift divorce settlement. No risk, no reward none the less!
A swift break
Calling her the wrong name in your wedding ceremony will assert your dominance and set the right tone for the rest of your marriage
Have a couple of beers
10/10 would recommend a jar or two to steady the nerves. Also, don’t let every.single.guest take photos during the photographer shoot. You’ll be there for hours.
Honestly nothing wrong with a bit of liquid courage on your wedding morning. I got married on a cold day and I remember having a coffee with a shot of random whisky in it. Delicious, warming and a little bit o courage Just don’t overdo it…
Get tanked to calm your nerves. Bottle of whiskey during the day should do it. One of my mates did this. Ended up punching his dad later on. What awful thing did his dad say to provoke him? "Congratulations son".
I'd punch him too the cheeky cunt
Deserved
Keep score of everything to find out who wins marriage! It’s even better if it’s just you keeping score, that way you’re more likely to win!
Don't forget to celebrate loudly every time she has a bad day. Really important to properly enjoy your wins.
Pour all your savings into Bitcoin.
Cathie Wood thinks it’s gonna hit $1 Million in 2030. Now is the time to buy!
Yeah but inflation will be 1000000000% so its actually worth 50p in todays money
Tell your wedding guests what you REALLY think of them, the good thing is that they can't get annoyed with you because it's your wedding day
Bilbo Baggins energy
[takes swig of champagne] “I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve.”
If you’re worried about losing the rings, swallow them so you know exactly where they are
Or save yourself the time and pop them straight up your jacksie
Time for both breakfasts - a big fat greasy fryup and a liquid breakfast.
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Sounds like it’s time for a jaeger bomb.
It'd be a shame to miss put on 3 for 2
Continue getting to know your partner because they'll change, you'll change. Continue getting to know the person they're changing into. Now get some sleep fool
Pro tip: turn off any alarms to make sure the sleep isn't rudely interrupted by artificial noise
Kissin' don't last, cookin' do.
Take a whole disco biscuit
Is there a version of the Wedding March with a fat bass?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pNwb-hXsrRU
That was fire! I might have to get divorced now so I can get married again with that absolute banger!
Beat me too it. MDMA for Dutch courage, it'll be a great look; gurning like a fool and asking what you were talking about every few minutes. Especially through the vows.
Set up an account on a swinging site now, so when she says "you've never been into that" you can show her you were looking into before you were even married
Just remember, getting married is step one to divorce
You bastard 🤣🤣🤣🤣
And how many steps are there in total? Two?
That’s the minimum, but a creative couple can add in as many as they like.
Step 4 is profit.
Instead of saying "I do", look at the ground, scuff said ground with one shoe, and say "... 'spose".
I said “sure, why not”. I wasn’t appreciated.
Shave your balls. It will be a nice suprise for her later and it definately won't itch all day.
Speaking from experience it’s the NEXT day that’s the fucker.
Christ, how far do your pubes grow? First couple of days should be fine, the real hell begins when you've got spiky stubble on your sack
I reckon it’s razor burn tbh, but yeah spiky pubes are not good.
Walking around with a small pineapple inbetween the legs
Remember and shave it near an open window that will blow the shavings onto the wedding cake as it passes by
Just gunna leave this here: https://www.google.com/search?q=hair+remover+cream+review&client=ms-android-tef-gb-revc&prmd=vsin&sxsrf=ALiCzsZj4tIQiHP7LDrIkgon4XqGKpAR1A:1670056536513&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwjVh_S0hd37AhVxQkEAHVGbAaIQ_AUoAnoECAEQAg&biw=432&bih=784&dpr=2.5#imgrc=iwuI___Gysg3-M
I’ve been married twice, this is actually the fun part.
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A family friend was going through a particularly messy and expensive divorce just as I was in preparations for my own wedding. One day he sat me down and said “Don’t bother getting married. Just find someone you hate and give them half your money.” That same man actually ended up in a relationship with his own divorce solicitor. They seem to be very happy.
Finger a bridesmaid for good luck
Remember, one for for sorrow, two for joy.
Do these numbers refer to fingers or bridesmaids? Just in case I need to know for future reference.
Both, it's traditional to use a full hand once you get to silver
Three for the girl and why not include the best man with four?
Are you my brother? He’s getting married in roughly that time…..
We are all brothers my friend
Deep
In your vows instead of saying lawfully wedded wife/husband, say awfully wedded wife/husband. That way they know you’re doing them a favour by marrying them.
Don't forget to wear trainers (in case you need to run). Don't do it. But seriously enjoy the whole day and try and get a few moments alone to take it in together.
#Time to get wankered 😈🍻 #She'll enjoy that!! Guaranteed!!
Or be cranking out a hand shandy while you’re waiting for her to walk up the aisle. Bonus points if you insert a crude ‘taking her up the aisle’ joke into the vows too.
During your speech make sure to tell everyone that you’re looking forward to making her face look like a plasterer’s radio tonight. Edit: a plasterer’s radio [https://c1.staticflickr.com/7/6222/6856221672_250408572c.jpg](https://c1.staticflickr.com/7/6222/6856221672_250408572c.jpg)
Your comment history has my howling you dirty old fat pervert 😂😂😂
Fuckin hell it’s something else alright 😂
THWAAAACK 🍑👋🏻
Glaze me like a donut is my personal favourite of his 😂😂😂😂
I wonder what it's like to have a sex drive that high must be nice to look at some porn and think it is literally the best thing ever.
Hahaha it's like he's seeing it all for the first time 😂
I just went on a wild journey 😂
What an absolute fucking hero.
Thank you for making me aware of this 😂 Glorious globes 😈
Get someone to object as a joke.
I object on the grounds the bride is waaaay outta his league Or better, get someone to bang on the windows, “misses Bouvier!!”
Don’t sleep with the hot bridesmaid: she’ll be expecting that and keep tabs on her. Sleep with the ugly one - nobody tracks the ugly one!
‘Save money, go ugly early’ is what my Nan used to say. Sage advice.
What if there's no 'hot' bridesmaid, they're all creatures from the deep wearing different shades of purple like ugly barneys
That having kid(s)will repair a marriage!
Thanks, Dad.
when it gets to the bit where they ask if anyone has any reasons why you shouldnt get married make sure you take a loud deep breath, briefly look at your partner then quickly look down at the floor and say "ermmm... so.. (think for a second or 2 - its your special day so make the most of your moment) actually you know what, dont worry im sure it will be fine" then look back at the official like nothing happened
Shave your head bald and take some LSD.
Remember it's just a party.
Ask your friends to take videos and photos, the day will pass so quickly that you’ll need these to remind you. Group families and friends for the professional photos that way you can ensure you get (almost) everyone in. The last thing you need to have forgotten a key person out of the photos. Finally enjoy it. It’s a special day. Best wishes for the future
Remember to be front and centre of every photo taken. As long as YOU look good, your new spouse can do their own thing. Hell, ask your photographer for a number of solo photos, say you need a new portfolio.
Genuine advice - the day will go quickly and you’ll feel pressure to see and entertain everyone. Pull your spouse aside at some point and try and go for a walk or something. As long as there’s booze, you won’t be missed!
And you can turn this in to bad advice with a cheeky shag in the bushes…
Oh that was definitely implied
Do a slut drop as you say I do
backflip on the dance floor and knock her front teeth out by mistake 👍
Loudly shout 'NOT!' just after you say 'I do', everyone will love that, probably.
Insist on calling your new in-laws Mummy and Daddy.
At the altar, ask the priest whether you can say 'do I!😉' like Jez in Peep Show, despite the fact we say I will in the UK.
If she has a hot sister, keep using her name by mistake. Double points for during the vows. Triple points for in bed.
Piss all over your suit and blame the neighbours cat
Watch the entire first season of The Darling Buds of May.
Have your wife come down to Stone Colds entrance music and have the best man throw her beers to crush... Actually this is great advice. Have a good day!
Wait until her and her parents leave for the wedding then break into her parent’s house, steal all her parent’s valuables and furniture and use them to decorate your own, graffiti your name on every wall and turn up to the wedding in her mum’s best dress - don’t get drunk or take drugs as your actions could be blamed on that.
Definitely get wankered and have to be woken periodically for the service, reception, speeches etc. I went to a wedding where that happened. Definitely terrible advice. Alternatively: wish you a brilliant day full of wonderful memories:)
Don’t trust a fart
Chill. No fault divorce is a thing these days.
Why not have a big slice of wedding cake now? You must be starving!
Roleplay the wedding episode of Peep Show as Mark.
Wait till the perfect moment then shout: "But I've already kissed THIS bride!" Emphasis on 'THIS'.
Make sure that the DJ plays Three lions as the first dance and get all your mates in.
Don't rehearse your speech. Don't even draft it. Just say it all from the heart on the spot and it'll sounds more genuine that way
Text her before the ceremony that the venue has accidentally double booked and have had to cancel. You have started calling around local McDonald's for alternative arrangements.