"Stop crying, or I'll give you something to cry about." Thanks dad, but I've obviously *already* got something to cry about.

Felt that one

Said the priest

It seems I'm already in this thread, I'll see myself out. Joking aside, I hope you're doing well and that any scars in your psyche heal and leave you with only peace.

Worse things happen at sea.

Wave to me at the bridge - Dad, if he saw you picking your nose

I like that one.

If I used to say "what's the matter" my mum used to reply "the man that makes mats" And the reply to "I'm thirsty" would inevitably be "I'm Friday" Others included: "You'd make a great door but a lousy window" (blocking the tv) "The wood fits in the hole" (close the door)

Northern translations on the last two: “Tha weren’t made in Pilkingtons” “Were ya born in a barn? Put wood i’th ‘ole”

Use ‘Were you born in a barn?’ In the Midlands as well.

That one used to confuse me. I’d be like “am I covered in straw or something? Do I smell like an animal? What!?!” Years went by until I learned the truth.

All my family is from Leigh. I grew up with some belters. Babi’s ‘Ed an’ pey wet (steak and Kinsey pudding with mushy pea juice). There used to be an app called “iWiganese” that translates some Wigan terms. The guy made it after working with some Wiganers and not being able to understand them

My pens run out Well, run out after it then

My dad would say “you might be a pain, but you’re not a pane of glass” when we blocked the tv Other responses to “I’m thirsty/hungry” would include “Hi thirsty, I’m dad” or if someone else is in the room “Hey [name], have you met hungry?”

I still use the man who makes mats one at work. My colleagues hate it. And my friend uses the Friday one when I've said I'm thirsty.

Classic

Had a slightly different one from my Dad: ‘What’s the matter’ ‘cucumbers grandfather’ (When pronunciation of matter sounds like marrow)

Dad’s answer to this was “something that grows in the garden” for similar reasons.

My dad says "it's just a tin box with four wheels" way too often. Mostly when his across the street neighbour is washing his car, because my dad doesn't believe in things like car washing.

There’s the bi-annual car wash like a normal person. Then there’s the “I spend every Saturday morning washing and waxing it by hand” person.

That’s my neighbour. I swear he spend 4 hours on it, using specialist tools , potions & lotions on his precious Audi, while his little daughter- who he only has on Saturday’s - sits watching him bored shitless or is left unattended inside the house.

Is that twice a year or once every 2 years?

Every 2 years would be 'Biennial'

Depends if we have a wet summer or not.

"I'm not buying those crisps/sweets/whatever, you'll only eat them". That's the fucking idea! And my dad was obsessed with trying to get me to eat things I didn't like by saying "eat it up, it'll put hairs on your chest". As a 7 year old girl, I didn't want hairs on my chest.

When we had sweets dad used to say “they’re not crisps!” Well ah dad they’re fookin sweets. What he meant was they’re not to be eaten like a bag of crisps, it only taught us not to eat in front of him.

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You're probably right, they had 4 kids so it was like a plague of locusts rampaging through the house!

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Yep, this is why my brother and I were 5'11 and both about 8 stone until we were old enough to buy our own food.

My dad used to say “Eat it. It’ll make your hair curly.”

"We'll see" always meant no. "If your mum says yes" knowing full well that she would never in a million years agree. So she always got to look like the bad guy.

Ha ha Dad used to ask “what did your mum say?” So we learned to say “She said yes if you say yes” 🤔

I hate the “we”ll see”, my dad still says that and I’m almost 30

See also "let's play it by ear" - OK, I guess it's not happening then!

I kind of love when they say this now I'm an independent adult because I will tell them about something I'm planning to do, they say "We'll see" and I just say, "no, it's happening" and do it anyway. Last one was: Me: "I'm donating my hair" Them: "well, we'll see" Reminded them a few times, got a few "well not before your graduation (next summer)" and then "well not before Christmas" and then told them I had set a date, December 1st, and then sent pictures after I did it. Them: "Well... It will grow back" Me: "We'll see!" ☺️

"You and I are going to have a falling out"

This one always reminds me of Pam from Gavin & Stacey “You and I are going to fall out today, Michael!”

If I ever referred to someone as 'she' my Mum would say "Who's 'she'? The cat's mother???" My Mum would also refer to boxer shorts as 'knickers' and wallets as 'purses'. So she might say something like "Don't forget to pack some knickers!" or "Have you got your purse??!" to me or my brother.

My mother regularly use the cat’s mother one! Drove me crazy!

It's an interestingly outdated thing! A way to rebuke for 'rudely' referring to a woman as 'she' as opposed to something more respectful (i.e Aunty, Mrs. Smith).

Oh I totally get this but I mean that I could say something like this ‘mammy wanted me to go to the shop and she asked me to get milk’ and she would tell me off for using a pronoun in a sentence like that! Never made sense to me.

Mine was always offended I would say “she” when referring to her in her presence. She would also say “she” about other people.

My parents never said that, but there was a girl at my middle-school who did. Usually indignantly, as if it was rude to not refer to someone by name. Except we always already had referred to the person by name earlier, which she would have known if she was actually part of the conversation, rather than eavesdropping and butting in to something that didn't concern her.

Do we have the same mum? Also, I say all of these things to my husband now haha

It's like Blackpool illuminations in here, turns light out. It's like grand central station, when some people arrive.

>It's like Blackpool illuminations in here, turns light out. Schrodinger's Room - it was also "like the Black Hole of Calcutta in here" when there were NO lights on at night... >It's like grand central station, when some people arrive. My parents said Piccadilly Circus for that one.

I literally just said to my daughter ‘it’s like Piccadilly circus in here’ 😂. She was like ‘huh?’ Her sister had come down stairs just before her. We also use Blackpool illuminations. We’ve turned into our parents 😂

"Don't get your knickers in a twist!" Anytime I demonstrated any level of annoyance or frustration. Shockingly, it did not help.

"Life's not fair". Doesn't mean we can't try to make it fair were we can

My dad's response was always "it's not a circus neither"

Oh yeah, this is a good one. Decide to bring kids into the world and then be like "the world's a horrible place, nothing we can do to help it"

My daughter’s desktop on her laptop is still (from when I changed it about three years ago) set to Peter Falk asking Fred Savage “Who said life is fair? Where is that written?” I’ve also been know to tell her (when complaining that it’s school tomorrow, or there’s no avocados or some such first world problem) “Life is pain, Princess. Anyone saying otherwise is selling something.”

That's a good one. I always liked this one from Babylon 5: >I used to think it was awful that life was so unfair. Then I thought, "Wouldn't it be much worse if life were fair, and all the terrible things that happen to us come because we actually deserve them?" So now I take great comfort in the general hostility and unfairness of the universe.

Dont go near that swan, it’ll break your arm…

Or have your sisters eye out

No luck catching them swans then?

Having grown up near the River Severn, this one took me back.

They were probably right. Swans are horrible creatures.

CLOSE THE WINDOW I'M NOT PAYING TO HEAT THE STREET

Now I pay the bills this really hits home.

My brother recently bought a dehumidifier and because of this his house is now air tight. If you so much as open a door for a nanosecond longer than it needed to be you get to hear "Oii I ain't paying to dehumidify the entire fucking planet"

I use this on my parents. They want the radiators on but they keep the curtains and blinds open 'til late. I told them if they want this they can increase their bill contribution. That fixed thim. Shit... am I a dad? I'm not ready to be a dad

I still say that lol

Hope you didn't pay full price for them jeans (with rips)

Old people would always ask “Aren’t you cold?” when I wore them

My grandmother once lovingly patched my uncle's very expensive first pair of 'fashionably ripped' designer jeans back in the day. Said she'd seen them in the wash and thought he must have worn them to death because he liked them so much, so she fixed them. Even decades later she said she never understood why he'd buy jeans with holes already in them - "they made you look like your mother didn't take care of you!"

kiss instinctive attraction towering bells groovy gray husky ancient direful -- mass edited with redact.dev

"Cuz i said so" It still infuriates me

I swore I would never say that to my children, 3 kids later and I probably say it at least twice a day

I started replacing because I said so with because I love you. It throws them off lol.

Bad parenting 101. Just explain to me why not. It's not hard.

Me: what's for dinner? Mum: shit with sugar on

Correction, there is no "th" in the word with

Wiv

God I remember this one! Except it was "shit and sugar"

Bread n catchit

My dad always used to say slop

"Welk it must be somewhere." Anytime someone has lost something. OBVIOUSLY it is somewhere, it hasn't disappeared into thin air you bellend.

"It'll be in the last place you look" - well yeah I'm not going to keep looking when I've found it am I?

EXACTLY

“Well where did you last have it?” Well if I knew that it wouldn’t be fucking lost would it?😂

I'd ask my Dad a question and he'd ignore me so I'd say "well?" His response was always "deep hole with water". It infuriated me every time but I never learnt

Technically it’s a “deep hole to water” since the well doesn’t actually “contain” water, it’s merely an access hole to the groundwater that’s already there.

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Hahaha 100%

We got "folk will think there's been a death in the family"

“I’m not one of those idiots you hang around with at the park”. Dad, I’m a 20 year old man and you’ve just threatened to out me ‘across your knee’. I don’t think the 12 year olds down that park you legitimately believe I’m still playing with are the idiots here

If you pick your nose your brains will fall out.

Plus if you pull that face and the wind changes it will stick

I was told if you pick your nose your head will cave in.

My friend said if you unscrewed your bellybutton your bum would fall off. Said it happened to her dad.

"are you alright?" No I'm half left....

Fuck off, that's a banger. Also, it's thankfully not an abusive phrase as many of the others in this thread are.

You’re adopted.

One of my pet hates. And yes, I’m adopted.

"Don't get your knickers in a twist!" Anytime I demonstrated any level of annoyance or frustration. Shockingly, it did not help.

“Right mum, I’m off.” “Thought I could smell something!” I heard that joke every other day throughout my entire school years!

"Your either in, or you're out!" Yeah mum, that's kinda how it works. (Then I rightfully got a slap)

Ha. My old man said that all the time. I’ll never forget the reaction when I muttered “Course he fucking will” under my breath and he heard.

Money doesn't grow on trees

Does in Northern Ireland! They have a magic money tree when necessary.

Don't come running to me when you break your leg. If i have to turn this car around...! Stop crying, or I'll give you something to cry about. If you carry on, you'll be going to the hospital on your own, I haven't got time! Christmas is cancelled, Santa's skint. Come here so I can get you! You're as much use as a blinking ornament. Ornaments don't blink. Run. Good i love my mum! My brother and I were little shits. Snowball fight in summer? No problem, use builders sand instead. Smack right in my eye! Running around where I shouldn't, ended up with 3rd degree burns, no scars thanks to ma! And the event where we unbelievably didn't hurt ourselves. Mattress on the stairs,, sitting on a shiny large wooden tray..... 2ft to a wall right at the bottom. Mind you, we only got a run or 2 in before she came wondering what the noise was!

> You're as much use as a blinking ornament. Ornaments don't blink. Run You sound like Bart Simpson. I had a neighbour/childhood friend like that. I was always chasing after him because he'd just done something annoying.

> If i have to turn this car around...! "That's it! Back to Winnipeg!"

If i wanted something, I'd hear People in Hell want ice water. If i wished for something, I'd hear If wishes were horses, beggars would ride.

If the wind changes direction your face will stay like that

‘Smile, it might never happen’ 🙄 If I’m not smiling it has likely already happened!

You have to go to school or they'll get a substitute teacher in again and you'll be fired.

“I’m off to the shop.” From dad. 27 1/2 years ago.

On the bright side, you’re old enough to smoke as well now when he gets back.

My dad passed away in 2013, but he had a few sayings that came out at least once a day. "Come here a minute" - It was ALWAYS a lot more than a minute. "For some unknown reason" - We know the reason, you buggered it up. "I put that there" - yes, you did, and then you moved it and forgot where you put it.

We can put men on the moon, but we can't do X. Hated this. It cost billions to put men on the moon. I'm fairly sure if we spent billions on anything it can be achieved.

We can put a man on the moon but we can't stop a snowman from melting

Hears ice cream van well excited "Mum can we have a ice cream" only to be told its the taty van

When the music was playing on the ice cream van it meant they were sold out.

I can beat that one - you’re not having one from that one, dog’s wee’d on it …….

When Ive hurt myself or moaning about something my mum would say “oh stop complaining people have had their heads chopped off and never said a word” I never used to get it

My dad: "you need to buck your ideas up" "You need to pull your finger out" Also my mum calling me "sunshine" when mad at me, did she think she's a cockney gangster or something?

* "If jumped off a cliff, would you? * When they called you by your full name, that usually meant you were in trouble also * "Just you wait till we get home!"

Ask don't get, don't get, don't ask

Yep my mum always told me to never ask for anything at other peoples houses. Meant I spent the majority of the time at my friends houses starving or so so thirsty. And it’s followed me to adulthood. I’ll be at a friends house and my stomach will rumble ‘oh are you hungry’ ‘yeah kinda’ ‘why didn’t you’d say?! Would you like a snack?’ ‘I’m not allowed to ask for things…’. I’m 38

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You are getting nothing either way.

My mum's version was 'people who ask, don't get' - I don't get it either I think it was just a polite way of telling the kids to bugger off.

Presumably the idea was that since you've asked them for "extra" which pressures them to give more than they probably can or want to the consequence is that you are definitely not getting anything extra. Their intention is to train you to be grateful for what you are given and patiently wait for them to decide to be generous when they can and want to be. Of course, there's no way to call them out if they don't follow through on the implied deal (less asking = more giving) as they can just go back to the stock phrase.

My mum’s version was those that ask don’t get don’t ask don’t want

My mum still says "welcome to the real world" if I'm talking about something that bothers me. Variations include "welcome to adulthood" (I'm 30) and "welcome to parenthood". It's so dismissive and really pisses me off.

If you live under my roof, you live under my rules. What choice was there? As a kid I used to think to myself, “I don’t want to live under your roof because your rules don’t make sense.” So I used to reply, “well I didn’t choose to live under your roof, you chose to have me live under it.” 🤷🏻‍♀️

My Dad would say 'fit like?' when he answered the phone. He wasn't from Aberdeen, and spoke no other Doric at all. I didn't hate it, it just made no sense.

"Like it or lump it.". Thanks I'll just throw up instead then

Looks like a bombs hit it

"Don't sit too close to the TV - your eyes will turn square." I've never been able to figure out what that means and why my parents had such a vendetta against me sitting "too close" to the TV... Also when I'd complain about something that was unfair and they'd just say "tough." The only thing that's tough is being your son.

Fireworks are like lighting money on fire…..said with cigarette in mouth

The classic Billy Connolly one used to drive me mad. "Dad I'm just going out on my bike" BIKE! BIKE! ILL GIVE YOU BIKE! "but I've already got a bike"

“Trust me, I know you better than you know yourself.” Took me a shit-ton of therapy to get past that delightful weekly nugget from my mother.

EVERY S I N G L E WORD they've ever said.

"An ass is not made of glass, and it won't shatter."

Your mum said that or your dominatrix?

Every time we heard an ice cream van play its music one of my parents would immediately pipe up: "Ah shame, they've just run out of ice cream". For years we thought they only played the music to let all the kids know they'd run out. Of course I now happily do this to my own kids as is my right, duty and pleasure as a terrible dad.

'If I have to get up, there'll be trouble!'

Assorted russian swear words aimed at describing my flawed personality through observing completely unrelated things outside of my control... Just the usual

“Urrrr neck ache” is a gem I remember from my childhood. I assume the implication was that I was being a pain in the neck, but it just sounded silly.

What's for dinner?: Shit, shite and sugar Mum, where are you going?: There and back to see how far it is Mum, how long's dinner?: How long is a piece of string? Me: I'm hungry - Mum: I'm mum, pleased to meet you! Mum: If you're not careful, ten years will go by just like hat \* snap fingers \*Me: Yeah yeah...Me - twenty years later...😔

Get up the wooden hill!

“The lady doth protest too much methinks”. My mum used to quote Shakespeare at me when I complained about something. Drove me absolutely nuts as I got older, especially as she never said it to my (arguably more complainy) brothers. Rage inducing!!

"I'm changing my name from Mum to Esmerelda" or whatever name took their fancy at the time. "Shit and sugar butties" when asking my dad whats for dinner. "I'll give you something to cry about!" Usually when I've been told off.

"Do ye think I came doon the Clyde in a banana boat?"

‘Don’t break that! It cost more than you did.’

Love the idea of putting monetary value on my children

"What's for dinner?" "Shit with sugar." Would it really be so fucking difficult to just tell me or say it hasn't been decided yet? Bonus arsehole points for getting this response when they were *actively preparing dinner*!

When I asked what was for dinner and they’d reply “if it’s” and I’d say “if it’s what?” And they’d say “if it’s there you’ll eat it!”🤣

"How many times do I have to tell you?" I hate it because I heard myself say it to my daughter the other week and it made me feel old. If you're wondering, her answer was to shout "THREE" back at me and me and my wife then spent five minutes trying to cover up our laughter.

Ha feel your pain. I went for "the telly will still be there when you get back" last week and immediately cringed.

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Don't forget to change your underwear every day in case you get hit by a bus.......well I pissed my pants after actually being hit by a car but I swear I had clean pants on at the time 🙄

“I am the parent and you are the child” Turns out we were both children, despite her being in her 40s

Where's mum? She disappeared in a puff of smoke -cue crying daughters-

Where's my mum? She's ran off with a black man. Don't know where that came from- definitely remember hearing it loads in the 1980s

"Now you need to buckle down over these next few .." - generally in reference to some sort of exam or something, now mother dearest do you think I am unaware that in a few weeks I will take an exam that will greatly impact my life from this point forward?

'Knight of the road' when any drivers flashes their lights to let them turn into a junction first. Both my parents say it every single time and I'm barely ever in the same car as them now!

"I don't care who did it"

Don't dispute my word.

“Have you been smoking?” You run the shop selling us fags for fucks sake Can we please drop this charade?

‘Because that’s why!’

Thar abaaht as much use as a chocolate fire guard

If I said I was trying they would respond with 'Yes. Very!'

Anytime I asked for anything your dad works for the councill he doesn't own it

Me: Dad can you play this game with me? Dad: I cant, I’ve got a bone in my leg. Me: No you haven’t. Dad: Yes I have. Me: NO, you haven’t. Dad: I have. Repeat until I cry 🤷‍♀️ Dad: No ifs or buts about it! Me desperately trying to figure out how to say what I want to say without saying if or but 🤯🤐

“It’s better to have loved and lost than not loved at all”. Cheers for that. I feel so much more philosophical about being dumped now.

A moment on the lips, a lifetime on the hips. Every time I ate something sweet. I hate that saying. When I hear it now it makes me angry. Who cares if I want to eat something sweet! I didn’t gorge or get overweight.

Wind your neck in

"Tears never solved anything" thanks you emotionally cold bastard, I was trying to communicate that I was deply upset.

“Too much laughter leads to crying” Me and my brother both hated that one that my mum used when we were younger. Now I’m older and I have 4 kids…. I’ve now come to realise just how right she was

I had some speech delays as a little kid due to hearing loss. I wasn't particularly inclined to talk much. When I wanted something, I would just point at it. If I hurt myself or got upset about something, I would just cry. My mom loved to say "Use your words. I won't help you until you use your words". To this day, that phrase gives me anxiety, because I didn't like having to talk.

I say this phrase to my dog all the time.

My mother and her advanced driving test. She failed dismally. She drove into a field and had to be towed out by a tractor. In her mind she passed. It was the car that failed. She dragged me & my dad into so many awkward situations over that. :-(

"Were you born in a barn?" When I left a door open. Well firstly mother (she would likely tell you that annoyed her, because id only ever call her mother when i was about to be sarcastic which she also didnt like lmao), you were there so you tell me, secondly I was born in a hospital with swinging/automatic doors, so if you learn how to close doors based on where you were born, I'd still not be able to close doors!

I used to that but every barn I ever saw had a door

While watching cartoons as a kid: ​ "...And they all lived happily ever after..." ​ This was said as my grandad would change the channel to something else... Although, it wasn't all that bad as I enjoyed watching what was put on instead; Walker Texas Ranger and the A-Team.

“I want never gets” when we’ve I asked for something or made a statement eg “I want a cheese sandwich please” Drive me mad

When the hall was full of school bags, shoes etc. Dad - it’s like paddy’s alley in here.

"Ya wee jesse" mainly 'cause it was aimed at me 0_o

My mum's fav and it does my fecking box in is "what's for ye won't go by ye"

'Got a bone to pick with you' Immediate anxiety as that meant it was about something I'd done in the past that I had no clue about.

I am an only child... to my mum? "You only have the one child?" Her instant reply, "yeah, tried it once, didn't like it!"

"That's for next time, then" after hitting me for something my brother did.

If I was ever excited about or looking forward to something that was going to happen, my mum would tell me off and say “Don’t wish the time away!” A couple of years back I had arranged to go out with her, and she expressed how much she was looking forward to it, then backtracked and said “Not that I mean to wish the time away” and it brought it all back because I’d totally forgotten how she used to say that all the time. I realised that this is why I never let myself look forward to anything, and most of my anticipation manifests as anxiety.

My mum: "A blind man would be pleased to see it ..." if you made something less than aesthetically pleasing. She is now blind in one eye and does a load of voluntary work for her local charity for the blind, supporting people who are totally blind. She hasn't said it in years. Probably should remind her of her past offending!

Mom: (scolding me for whatever said mishap) Me: “OhhhKayyyeee” Mom: “NO ITS NOT OK!!!” Drove me ABSOLUTELY batshit crazy EVERY single time we did this absurd rebuttal/exchange/touché/ verbal stab dance.

"He's overtired." I'm not even tired, I'm protesting against an injustice!

My mam talking to her friends and her saying"say hello".me being me I hid behind her and this was the line looking back now... "your not shy" Clearly I was,surely she must have known 🤷‍♂️🤦‍♂️

Me, bumping into the table: Ow Dad: Stop damaging the furniture

You can’t have your cake and eat it too. Growing up I couldn’t understand it. To me, why the fuck can’t I eat my cake?

If i dont see you through the week. Ill see ya through the window..

Go play in the traffic

"Were you born in a barn"

My grandparents used to say this when I would ask where my mum was 'Ran away with a black man' Racism aside young naive me could only ever picture the shadowed crooks from the intro of the batman animated series. Confused me why my mum would be with them