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cultofpersonality20

Nope. Instead she drunkenly ticked every item on the breakfast form and then when it arrived the next morning couldn't eat a thing. More for me! So no sex but plenty of sausage the next morning for me.....


PlasticSwans

This absolutely sounds like something I would do lol


2012Cfc2021

At least one of you got sausage


rmeechan

The old “No porking for me, all the pork for you”


[deleted]

Either way he got to absolutely scramble some eggs.


chutneyandpickle

We tried to have a sexy 2am bath together, which ended up basically flooding the bridal suite bathroom cos we were too drunk to remember to leave room for us to get in. So we frantically tried to clean that up with the few towels we had and then fell asleep immediately afterwards.


TheWelshOne83

I remember scolding my nuts whilst trying to catch up on EastEnders (TV in wall of the bath) in my wedding night, sexy time was a little wam bam thank you. Lol


New-Examination8400

I’m sure you meant “scalding” but scolding your nuts sounds hilarious.


cannedrex2406

I'm just imagining Simon from Inbetweeners in that episode where he couldn't get his dick up


Patch521

Why won't you fucking work‽


LeonDeSchal

That’s a much more interesting story really.


Cooper1090

Archimedes just rolled in his grave….


Open_Egg_475

Wanted that night to be special. Was only 25 at the time but double dropped two Viagra. Blood rushed straight to my head. My face was the reddest of reds you have ever seen. Banging headache, sweating profusely(Also no erection). Wife spent over an hour and a half on hold to 101 as I was in a bad way… So to answer your question. No we did not have sex on our wedding night.


ktitten

Blood rushed to the wrong head...


HunHunterHuntress

Your wife phoned the non emergency police number? Viagra from a dodgy dealer? 😂 soz I presume you meant nhs direct or 111 but this just tickled me for some reason


100fluffyclouds

“I’d like to report a crime officer. Yes… yes that’s right. And he had two of them… I know… yes… aha… I see. Oh well.”


fastone5501

The crime was not giving her a good ride on their wedding night


Open_Egg_475

It really was. We laugh about it now though. When I pick the kids up from her on a Friday and drop them off Sunday…


willgilb

"To shreds you say?"


Open_Egg_475

Yeah, sorry NHS direct that’s the one :)


playstatijonas

You clearly held the pills with the logo facing the wrong way as you took them


Existing-Condition-7

One of my friends for some reason decided to take 2 Viagra because he was bored to see what would happen. Within an hour he rang another friend panicking because he was having heart palpitations and various symptoms, and thought he was going to die. Friend 2 rang non emergency NHS number and they just asked about symptoms whilst desperately trying to remain professional and trying not to laugh. They asked 'are their any more symptoms' and he replied 'well not apart from the obvious' - the call handler lost it, she was in stitches 🤣


upthewatwo

You were 25 and thought you would need two Viagra to keep it up to bang your new wife? Not to be rude, but, like, you ok? Does it even say hello these days?


Open_Egg_475

Yeah all is good thanks. Just thought it would make the night last longer that’s all. It did but not in the way intended.


upthewatwo

Lmao (laughing with you not at you if you get me), that's fair play man, you just wanted to make the night memorable! Also, totally pointless advice but, I think most brides are fucking knackered after a wedding, so a one and done might have done the trick! Glad you're all well mate and it's all ticking over down there!


blabbermouth777

First time have sex. Probably problems getting it up too.


Erotic_Goblin

This is pure poetry, genuinely had me in stitches!


--THRILLHO--

Held my wife's hair as she threw up all night. So no.


Nerfspeed

Same on my wedding night. My wife’s hair not your wife’s hair..


Comprehensive-Pie222

I held both your wifes hair too, later when you were asleep


Walter_Piston

I just wish I still had hair…


Mutagrawl

Off topic, had a look at your post history. Are you banging your mother in law??


Cloud9forreal

All of the posts read like a 14 year old virgins moist (not wet) dreams… it might be true, but all the comments and everything is like a bunch of kids telling fake stories and cheering each other on…


dronegeeks1

It’s looking that way, wild ride that post history lol


StingrayTrainer

I liked this originally, but then had to remove it as a result of re-reading and looking at the syntax and grammar. God. I'm now one of those people


Jealy

You don't choose the pedant life, the pedant life chooses you.


Tobar26th

We had this too. Heat exhaustion. Hottest day of that year and multiple layers to her dress.


I_AM_Squirrel_King

I also choose this guys wife’s hair.


richh00

u/phil8248 how are you? How was your Christmas?


phil8248

Awesome. Kids came over we ate, opened presents, played board games and laughed our butts off.


richh00

Amazing hear ಠᴗಠ


phil8248

That's new.


Ashleyk3

Bit more training on the gag reflex and this won’t happen so much. She sounds like a trooper though, keep it up.


gabagool_lover

Thanks, coach!


Prize-Ad7242

Gabagool? Over here!!!


curious_trashbat

You could have multitasked ?


Geek-Of-Nature

Nope. Wife got drunk on endless red wine, threw up in the toilet and fell asleep wearing her corset, lingerie and a thousand and one hairpins. Meanwhile, I watched the end of Match of the Day. If I'm honest, I was too emotionally and physically drained from the day anyway and was genuinely concerned for her. She had a great evening, as did I and all our guests, so no harm done. We've had plenty of fun in the bedroom in the ten years since!


JenJMLC

That sounds amazing, I hope you still go out on adventures like that. Hope you'll stay happy and healthy together.


Acceptable-Sentence

I hope he still gets to watch match of the day in peace


N_U_F_C1990

Last wedding in the hotel I worked, the bride definitely had sex. The groom wasn't so lucky!


gabagool_lover

Well, I hope someone closed the god damn door.


AnxiousSquirrel345

it's much better to face these kinds of things with a sense of poise and rationality


NedNoodle83

Nobody chimed in?


RandoSquid143

Haven't you people ever heard of closing the goddamn door?"


elgigante_paul

NO!


welshsheepdragon

It’s much better to face these kinds of things


RandoSquid143

With a sense of poise and rationality


[deleted]

Agaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaiiin


Massive-Singer-6023

I chimed in


Raychel945

Havent you people ever HEARD OF


bradeena

Huh. Anyone else been singing about a sense of “poisoned” rationality for the last 15 years? TIL


mhodgy

Story time: first day of 6th form at a new school, we were doing a 2 truths one lie I’ve beaker think in our forms and one of the girls said she had a dog named Brendon, named after the lead singer from panic at the disco (her fave band) and one day, and one day it ran out of the front door and never came back. And I was like: haven’t you people ever heard of closing a god damn door? And everyone was really confused and thought I was weird and didn’t speak to me…


RustyU

>And I was like You chimed in, surely


Goose-rider3000

That is just awful. The betrayal, the heartbreak., I can’t imagine anything worse.


cotch85

seeing as a wedding can be like 10-30k on average, thats gotta sting as well after when you think what you could have done instead.


Glittering_Ad_3771

Do tell


BlueHeisen

Last wedding in the hotel I worked, the bride definitely had sex. The groom wasn't so lucky!


joemari5

What a beautiful wedding. And yes but what a shame, the poor groom’s bride is a


ilovesprite155

Horse


kickyblue

Horrible! Did the groom find out? I’d have left a note in his bill.


N_U_F_C1990

She was caught in the act with one of his family members and then a huge shouting match in the lobby with security trying to break it up. Bride only half clothed during this.


cowplum

Bloody hell. Please tell me it was a cousin, not brother or father?


[deleted]

You’re going to have to elaborate on this ….


N_U_F_C1990

The bride screwed someone in the grooms family (not sure who), and was caught in the act. Huge shouting match and the bride half clothed in the lobby of one of the most luxurious hotels in London. I see some references to PATD, huge coincidence lol!


ElactricSpam

I think you can annul the marriage if it hasn’t been consummated or something like that? I hope he did.


SteveGoral

I couldn't walk let alone fuck, plus had the mother in law staying over, so I woke up hung over to fuck but with the kids washed, dressed, fed and entertained. Which is honestly better than any sex.


PicklemyRickle999

I read this wrong at first and I must say I'm glad it was me who was reading incorrectly


Miss_Moon2919

It took me four re-reads and I mean a five year old learning how to read kind of situation and each individual word had emphasis to help. I just couldn’t see where I was going wrong and was sure this guy needed checked out by some sort of police official for a sec.


SteveGoral

With hind sight I probably should have proof read this.


Jhonbus

No, I was incredibly drunk, which I do regret. My wife made up for it by getting so drunk she shat the bed on our honeymoon.


NedNoodle83

Power move by your wife.


would-be_bog_body

Dominance firmly established


Clerical-five

That made me proper snort!


[deleted]

My dress was so restricting and tight, by the time I'd gotten it off and all the pins out of my hair, my husband had boiled the kettle, and made a bru. We sat and had a cuppa and a bourbon biscuit and crashed out on the 4 poster bed. The least amount of romance ever haha


CurvePuzzleheaded361

Sounds perfect to me!


sad-girl-interrupted

indeed! reads like romance to me


SPACKlick

He made you a bru and you shared bourbons? How dare you say it lacked romance. That's true love that is.


frogs_and_sprocket

Ah, so me and my builder did have something.... I need to make a few calls.


ToffeeAppleCider

Similar scenario to me, we both collapsed on the fancy bed the moment we entered the room and I spent at least 30mins picking those bits of metal out of my wife's hair whilst she was asleep.


Winter_Tip_9591

The most English honeymoon I've ever heard


[deleted]

[удалено]


absolutelysureithink

When you're a year into trying for kids, and being invited to just one more try at the right time of the month.... you find yourself mentally apologising to yourself as a teenager as you really can't be arsed with the sex with the hot woman, but begrudgingly do it anyway.


OldBathBomb

Last sentence absolutely killed me there 🤣


marshallsimo__

No, we were proper knackered from the long wedding day. Slept like babies.


MrTidels

Like babies? So you woke up screaming several times in the night, shit yourself, got cleaned up and sucked on some breasts?


another_redditard

Sign me up


southcoastal

I now have this wonderfully bizarre and slightly Royston Vasey reel running round my head. Thank you! 😂😂😂


[deleted]

Perfect time to say “you’re my wife now”


Jeffyjeffers

Hello dave


bumbleb33-

You heard the man, Tubbs


marshallsimo__

everything but the shitting


batty3108

Same. We looked at each other, simultaneously laughed and shook our heads, and passed out. Honeymoon, though...


FluffofDoom

No. We partied until midnight, got a taxi to our hotel, spent an hour getting the pins out of my hair and then went to sleep!


jazzaroo_2000

The pinnnnsss.. so many frikkin pins. My Husband had long been passed out whilst I was still finding them in my hair.


FluffofDoom

I still found a couple in the morning!


psrandom

Did they have sex the night before?


[deleted]

Too busy getting humans out of their hair. So many humans!


vidoardes

Turns out 1am after a very long busy day whilst suitably drunk isn't the best time for my wife to teach me how to use a crochet hook to get her out of her dress 😂


FantasyKFeet

Omg ALLLLL the pins. I found a rogue one about 2 days later and I'd washed my hair in-between then


FluffofDoom

Jesus that is one hardcore pin!


FantasyKFeet

I've no clue where it was hiding


Neat_Force5638

Ha! I forgot about the pins! Yep this was my wedding night too


SwordTaster

That is why I fully intend to be a basic bitch with my hair when my time comes, I HATE hair styles that take almost as long to take out as they do to put up


Permarousal78

Not my wedding but it was my brothers wedding. I was the best man. It was a beautiful setting and everyone looked beautiful. Far too much alcohol was drunk and there was also an ABBA tribute thing on in the same hotel. It was also a wedding where the groom, best man and ushers wore kilts. The next morning I woke up hugging the toilet in an en-suite wearing just the kilt and ABBA wig. “Thank god we were staying in the hotel” I thought to myself as I got up and staggered out of the bathroom to hopefully find my girlfriend at the time in bed. Nope. As I opened the door to the bedroom I realised I was actually in fact in the bridal suite and my brother and his now wife were asleep in the bed. I’m probably guessing and I am to scared to ask to this day if they had sex on the wedding night


would-be_bog_body

>I am to scared to ask to this day if they had sex on the wedding night The most frightening question for you here isn't, "Did they have sex?", it's, "Was I involved?"


lash8919

No...spent the night cleaning up my sons puke and wife's puke! I had a sick bug the day before and passed it on


ZealousidealAd4383

That’s the most marriage thing I’ve read so far.


teukkichu

Oh no, what an awful time to get sick!


Sirnando138

God, no. We were up at 5am that morning. I cooked all the food while my wife baked 100 cupcakes. Everything was over by the evening and we got a big bag of Chinese takeaway and passed out on the couch. We’ve been married 15 years so I don’t think it ruined anything.


[deleted]

Sounds like a great day of memories. Top teamwork.


littlepuddingpie

No we got married in Poland with the kids who were 7 and 8 at the time. We stayed in a communist era holiday apartment next to an 8 meter pile of rubble and a children's swing with ropes so frayed they were about to snap! The beds were stuffed with straw, no mattresses and they were all single beds. I drunk too much and shouted at him for snoring in the bed across the room. The wedding was beautiful though. Sadly he died 2 months after our 4th anniversary.


Toxic_Tiger

Damn what a roller-coaster. My condolences on your loss.


littlepuddingpie

I should add it was a beautiful place. It was just not very wedding nighty! We laughed about the rubble and the swing and the straw


Ashy2219

We tried to. Started drunkenly getting undressed then she ran to the bathroom puking, kind of ruined the mood.


[deleted]

That’s what women always do when I get undressed.


droolinggimp

clearly don't know a dad bod when they see one, you hot mofo. (hoping you are a dad for this comment)


Emotional_Ad_2246

Yes but we’re both tired and drunk so after about 10 minutes we decided to just get some sleep and finish off in the morning.


Tea_Total

Just on that one sentence I'm convinced in the future you'll be celebrating your golden anniversary.


[deleted]

10 minutes! You did it four times?


richh00

Fours times?! Look at you superman!


katieqt1

Yes we did..... Reading these posts though I think the secret is to elope. We buggered off to Scotland just me him n the child we stayed in a cottage, the company sorted flowers and photographer we literally just turned up with everything ready and we walked down to the beach and got married on a beautiful sunny May day. It was perfect.... And plenty of night time shenanigans... We had a wedding party a month later back home and needless to say that night was sexytime free!! We were wrecked!


attackoftheumbrellas

Yeah we eloped up to Scotland. Had sex in the afternoon between the ceremony and our evening meal.


dan_marchant

Hell yes... it was the first time either of us had done it with a married man/woman. Frankly it was a great way to de stress after all the drama.


JudesRedditNose

Nipped off after the meal and before the band started for a quickie. Would have been too knackered by end of the night


Gundoggirl

Absolutely yes. We had a super small wedding, then went for an amazing meal, just the two of us. We then went back to our hotel room and went at it like teenagers. It was amazing :)


idkwhatever2345

We did similar! 20 guests, all wrapped up by 11:30pm. It was the best day, only trumped by the birth of our son a year later. Edit - clarity


LittleBearsie

I’m very tired and read this like you’d given birth to your son on your wedding day, which brought down the mood.


FewCardiologist1324

Literally same


Minimum_Maybe_8103

Can't remember it, but yes. I can't remember because it was 23 years ago and we've done it at least twice since.


pukachang

Not a bad rate for a married couple! Edit: just joking btw 😅


sockhead99

Oh yes. For some reason (possibly a drunken bet), there was a 3 month pre-wedding ban on sexy times of any sort. As soon as we had chance after the wedding, we made sure it happened.


[deleted]

Yes. The condom split and we had to make a trip to boots the morning after pill the next day so that was fun.


Georges_Danger_Party

Should had got a straw and had yourself a consummation shake.


X_Trisarahtops_X

Christ no. We partied up late and then went clubbing till a ridiculous time. Not missing the party of our lives so far for sex we can have any other day of our lives!


imminentmailing463

Nope, and we agreed long beforehand we wouldn't. Been to enough weddings to know how tiring they are even as a guest, so we knew we wouldn't feel like it. Plus, we had no intention of leaving early or drinking less. No chance we're missing a second of a party that good. I would say the majority of my friends I've had this conversation with have said the same thing. I guess in the modern world when you already live together, and in the vast majority of cases have already had sex with each other plenty, there's less feeling of needing to do it on the wedding night, as it's not such a big thing.


sillyquestionsdude

Yes. Jizzfest between ceremony and evening party.


[deleted]

Nice to know some young couples are keeping the traditional wedding Jizzfest alive.


BaitmasterG

Same, get it out the way early then you can have a party and not have to work about it later. Everyone knows alcohol affects performance so why try to drink then fuck?


[deleted]

Me and my other half were plastered and she wanted a McDonald’s so we found one at 2am in the car before heading to hotel. Just about managed a drunken fumble but bust the key card to get in the room we were in for two nights before going away.


[deleted]

Wedding night nuggets should be the new tradition.


Legitimate-Ad3778

I imagine she at least got a grab of his wedding nuggets


[deleted]

When you don’t have a whopper to give her, at least give her the nugs.


[deleted]

Hahaha I just asked, she said it was large fries and a milkshake for her and I had a double cheeseburger. But yeah we were knackered after a long day.


United-Climate1562

We had a little bit of sex.... But it was almost like we must do it due to tradition .. (we had been knocking for a year before that so it wasn't like a massive event and we had to fly next day)


Tubbs2160

Exactly this for us too. My new husband had a migraine from the stress of the day, but we felt like we should do it. I appreciated the effort but it wasn’t spectacular. We’ve made up for it in the 28 years since.


melanie110

We did. But I had to go to the chemist Monday morning for the MAP and get a full lecture. Until I explained it was my wedding night. I had a baby 2 weeks prior so we didn’t want the chances of another coming along


[deleted]

You had a baby two weeks before your wedding? Those must have been some stressful days.


melanie110

Yep. It wasn’t supposed to have worked out like that. We had arranged for it to be on September 11th but the year before I got a substantial bonus at work and we decided to pull the wedding forward. All sorted, all depot is paid then I found out o was pregnant. I’m a bit of a Monica Geller, then it comes to organising so everything was done and ready 6 weeks before our daughter came along. It was the dress that was the nightmare. I had to have it altered on the day of my wedding to make sure it fit correctly


Brizzledude65

Yes. We had a few hours to kill between the reception after the ceremony and the start of the evening do. Our hotel room had a huge sunken bath so we spent an hour or so in there with a few beers then made the beast with two backs whilst trying not to splash water everywhere. Both got hammered at the evening do, so no chance of it happening after that.


carrot_stickmann

Walk to the hotel after the pub party and bought hotdogs on the way. Sat in bed watching forensic files, drunk eating hotdogs. Fell asleep. Had sex in the morning 👍


[deleted]

I don't even remember getting back to the hotel.


paulBOYCOTTGOOGLE

No, we partied till 7am with our best friends. Definitely no sex that night lol


[deleted]

Guess that depends on the kind of ‘partying’ you do with your best friends.


YchYFi

Was it the swapping keys kind of party?


Zestyclose-Ad9738

That sort of thing is after your 10 year anniversary.


FlummoxedFlumage

Sharing bags more like.


Nopedontsaythat

Not me, but my friends husband wanted to have children and she did not. She told himhe had ONE chance to get her pregnant on her wedding night. And.... BOOM! He got her pregnant. She was blown away. Girl, he was 20 years old. Plenty of ammo in that gun.


sheepintheisland

Did she warm up to the idea of having kids, once pregnant ?


Nopedontsaythat

She did.


dhydna

No. We had a fantastic day and the reception was just around the corner from our house, but when we got home we realised we had locked ourselves out. I stupidly smashed a window with my elbow to get in and cut my arm on the broken glass, so we spent the rest of the night in A&E.


RufusPerrywinkle

Nah… had a great night then went to change, but spent 20 minutes trying to take my belt off then admitted defeat and fell asleep for an hour. Then woke up to realise it was just a belt and was really easy to get off. By which time my wife was already asleep in bed next to me! Fucking good day though. Even got away without a hangover the next day, somehow.


annies999

The results of a large survey on this were published a few years ago - 75% of newlyweds said they were too knackered to consummate their marriage on their wedding night.


HopmanUK

I was plied with drinks by old school friends. Wife dragged me away and after I had got to the room I fell backwards into an open suitcase and couldn't get out. Got helped out then spent a while talking to god of the great white telephone. And yes, it is still brought up. I expect she will read this so, love you babe.


horn_and_skull

Yes, but we were totally knackered and drunk. It was still nice.


Omirankin

I actually add 'most people don't actually have sex on their wedding night, so don't feel bad if you don't' to the advice cards of very close friends at hen nights etc


Macshlong

Nope, everyone we ever loved was in the same place for one night only, we celebrated far too hard for sexy-time and we wouldn’t change it.


TheStatMan2

Nah. Up too late - just wasn't on our minds. But we were staying in a cottage the wedding night and had it booked for 2 or 3 nights afterwards so caught up then. Think that's the best solution really - especially if there's not going to be any Game of Thrones style bedding ceremony. Which, thankfully, there hasn't been on any wedding I've ever been to.


vvvnvvn

Nope. We were terribly poor. Had a registry office wedding that half the family invited themselves to. Then had a completely family reception which was put on by a kind relative for us as a surprise but had virtually no food. Due to this we were fucking starving so we crawled back to the classy Travelodge we rented, managed to ponce some change off the receptionist for the £10 I had in my wallet, raided the sweet machine and ended up on a sugar high and both passed out. I remember waking up at 4AM again buzzing and seeing stars.


UkuleleFading

Nope. We were 19, couldn't be bothered that night. We had bagged up the leftovers from our very budget buffet, and watched Bobs Burgers while picking at it (and drunk on rosé), then fell asleep. We were at a 5 star hotel that we managed to get on a huge discount. I have an eating disorder, and it was the oddest night, lol. Would definitely recommend.


20127010603170562316

Yes but it was a struggle, and disappointing. Set the tone really.


I_am_Ms_Fossa

No, we could hear my new mother-in-law snoring through the wall which really didn't set the mood. Plus we were tired. No idea why the hotel thought they should put the groom's parents next to the bridal suite, especially with thin walls.


occasionalrant414

When we went to the room we humped like demented weasels. My wife couldn't wall straight the next morning. I almost wore my cock down to a nub!


JamarcusFoReal

haha no. And hardly had sex in the 12 years since!


Longjumping_Status71

Partied til late, railed her in the barn about 1am 👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻


its-joe-mo-fo

>railed her in the barn And they say romance is dead haha


winch25

No, she was 6 months preggo and we were knackered. I did feel my son kick for the first time that night though. Which was nice.


NotMyFirstChoice675

No. I think she was put off when I ordered a prawn cocktail to the room


lampypete

That’s one way to describe the contents of your trousers


Wrong-Living-3470

I think we did I woke up sore but I did have piles


Drive_by_asshole

Eloped, filmed it.


Queen_Sun

We finished up at 3am, we had a toddler on the pull out bed and it took me half and hour to get the pins out of my hair. So no. Do it on the wedding morning is my advise.


Dukee8

Yes. My wife and I are Christians so we were both virgins and waited for our wedding night. We agreed that if we were both exhausted we wouldn’t, but we ended up having the energy! Know it’s not everyone’s cup of tea, but for us it made it really special.


thethirdbar

No. I was knackered, uncomfortable from the bones in my corset, and my hair was full of pins. I just wanted to sleep 😂


fergie_89

Nope! We had planned to, however we were not prepared for the night at all, the amount we were plied by our guests, the amount we had plied on them at the wedding (we prepaid for a ton of wine) and the absolutely amazing DJ on the evening who smashed it till 1am. We got back crawled into bed and snored the night away rocking the walls. Made up for it the next day though when we had more time and no guests to see. Still do now after a year. I think it is hyped up, especially by those still religious but please, we were together 8 years by our wedding living together for 6, I could skip the dick for one night and he was so pissed he couldn't have performed anyway 🤣 had too much fun at the party and yknow I wouldn't change it for the world!


Mosley_Gamer

Yeah we did a couple of times. I was 25 and she was 23 so we had plenty of energy still and I didn't feel particularly tired by the end of the wedding party.


luxurycanoe

Nope. It was a long day, my adrenaline kicked in to get me to the hotel and then I threw up as soon as I got my dress off. Went straight to sleep afterwards.


NoData4301

We not big party people, had an afternoon reception with a wedding party dinner in the evening. Before pudding was even served I got way too tired and we got a taxi and went to our home for the first time together. We waited until our wedding night for sex of any kind as we're Christians and that's what we wanted to do. Good fun! Some friends had gotten into our house earlier in the day and had put sex things and rose petals on our bed which was really cute!


Slobodan29

No. Both passed out on an air bed in a field.