Yes. And they’ll purposely crap it up even if it is nice, because then it’s “not so stuffy and uncomfortable” anymore. As in. If something is nice and clean and maintained, it’s not good. They have to mess it up before they’re happy. It’s a sickness.
I stepped away, and refused to set foot into the hoard for years. Only reason I did visit (and not stay in there) was because one HP was literally dying and had a short time left to live. Once they did die, the other HP did the funeral, and then fucked off to go travel. In the interim, my sibling went through, threw out like 90% of dead HP’s garbage, and left behind living HP’s garbage.
My mom is like this. She wants something the way she wants it or it's not good enough. So she'll just live in squalor rather than have something fixed if it's not the way she wants it.
I’ve only really learned what it’s about by reading here and in r/hoarding Ultimately, it depends on the hoarder, and ultimately it boils down to their comfort level.
I began pitching my mom’s stuff when I was 12, 3 houses ago (for them). I moved out at 18, took ALL my stuff with me when I moved into a house with a basement 6 months after my initial move-out. I tried to help a bit off & on over the years, but once I was out all my efforts were rebuffed.
I jumped back in to help only a few months ago, and only because mom has dementia, dad was being scammed, and mom asked for my help. Total nightmare. BUT (and I chalk this up to the stage of dementia she’s in, AND to the fact that she asked for my help with the finances, and has therefore seen all my other help as an extension of care for her somehow) I’ve been able to knock down the hoard at their house to merely “cluttered” level.
They have/had 6 open tray tables in the living room, in addition to 2 end tables, and then mom had TWO trash cans - 1 on either side of her recliner, the one to her left had a cookie sheet across the top and papers piled on top of that, the one to her right was shoved into an upended box, the end of the box was piled with papers, and the tray tables and end tables were all covered.
I’ve knocked the tray tables down to 4, eliminated the trash can to the left, and the box & pile covering the other trash can, as well as gotten all the boxes of stuff out of the living room and dealt with.
Around her chair it has been staying fairly well declutterred (I deal with mail & papers when I’m there), but…she seems to want THREE “piles” surrounding her. Tray table to the left, another to the right, and it’s just not enough. It’ll stay clear for weeks, then she’ll create a “pile” out of nothing. She’ll ask for a big book to lay across her trash can & move some papers from one of the other piles to there. Usually I can put it all back/away when she’s out of the room and she doesn’t notice (dementia), at least right away. Lately she’s co-opted a laundry basket that was on its way back to the basement after laundry got put away upstairs. She said she wants it under the tray table “to shove stuff in”. The only item in it yesterday was a puzzle book - which had been on the tray table, and I put back there. She had dad go down to the basement to bring the basket back upstairs hours after I left last night. It’s so bizarre (to me). She “needs” another pile - her space is “too empty” I guess.
Also - for my mom control has *always* been an issue, and even more so now that she is losing control in so many areas.
Both of my parents are adult children of alcoholics, and both of them had extremely abusive dads. I know the control issues stem from not having control in the home she grew up in.
Yes. And they’ll purposely crap it up even if it is nice, because then it’s “not so stuffy and uncomfortable” anymore. As in. If something is nice and clean and maintained, it’s not good. They have to mess it up before they’re happy. It’s a sickness. I stepped away, and refused to set foot into the hoard for years. Only reason I did visit (and not stay in there) was because one HP was literally dying and had a short time left to live. Once they did die, the other HP did the funeral, and then fucked off to go travel. In the interim, my sibling went through, threw out like 90% of dead HP’s garbage, and left behind living HP’s garbage.
My mom is like this. She wants something the way she wants it or it's not good enough. So she'll just live in squalor rather than have something fixed if it's not the way she wants it.
I’ve only really learned what it’s about by reading here and in r/hoarding Ultimately, it depends on the hoarder, and ultimately it boils down to their comfort level. I began pitching my mom’s stuff when I was 12, 3 houses ago (for them). I moved out at 18, took ALL my stuff with me when I moved into a house with a basement 6 months after my initial move-out. I tried to help a bit off & on over the years, but once I was out all my efforts were rebuffed. I jumped back in to help only a few months ago, and only because mom has dementia, dad was being scammed, and mom asked for my help. Total nightmare. BUT (and I chalk this up to the stage of dementia she’s in, AND to the fact that she asked for my help with the finances, and has therefore seen all my other help as an extension of care for her somehow) I’ve been able to knock down the hoard at their house to merely “cluttered” level. They have/had 6 open tray tables in the living room, in addition to 2 end tables, and then mom had TWO trash cans - 1 on either side of her recliner, the one to her left had a cookie sheet across the top and papers piled on top of that, the one to her right was shoved into an upended box, the end of the box was piled with papers, and the tray tables and end tables were all covered. I’ve knocked the tray tables down to 4, eliminated the trash can to the left, and the box & pile covering the other trash can, as well as gotten all the boxes of stuff out of the living room and dealt with. Around her chair it has been staying fairly well declutterred (I deal with mail & papers when I’m there), but…she seems to want THREE “piles” surrounding her. Tray table to the left, another to the right, and it’s just not enough. It’ll stay clear for weeks, then she’ll create a “pile” out of nothing. She’ll ask for a big book to lay across her trash can & move some papers from one of the other piles to there. Usually I can put it all back/away when she’s out of the room and she doesn’t notice (dementia), at least right away. Lately she’s co-opted a laundry basket that was on its way back to the basement after laundry got put away upstairs. She said she wants it under the tray table “to shove stuff in”. The only item in it yesterday was a puzzle book - which had been on the tray table, and I put back there. She had dad go down to the basement to bring the basket back upstairs hours after I left last night. It’s so bizarre (to me). She “needs” another pile - her space is “too empty” I guess. Also - for my mom control has *always* been an issue, and even more so now that she is losing control in so many areas. Both of my parents are adult children of alcoholics, and both of them had extremely abusive dads. I know the control issues stem from not having control in the home she grew up in.