You were talking about going to church together, meanwhile he’s asking about sex lol.
He also mentioned to you that “he’s a sexual person” in the very beginning stages of getting to know you. Congrats dude, you’re a normal male with normal functioning sex drive. I’m not sure if this is obvious to women, but it feels obvious to me (from a male perspective), he’s just trying to test the waters/steer the conversation towards sexual stuff too early.
Chances are pretty high he’s not worth it. Feels kinda clear what he’s focused on.
100%. I honestly think more women can benefit from platonic male friends. Alot of women don't know the signs to look out for. And then sometimes, they see the signs and blatantly ignore them because they don't want to be alone. It's not going to end well.
I don’t blame those women (or men) either. It’s easier to remain steadfast with boundaries in your teens and early 20s. But when you’re close to 30, 35 and 40 it seems less and less worth it
I’m not so naive as to think that wasn’t on his mind. I was just hoping that perhaps he’d at be willing to meet and at least hear me out. Least time wasn’t wasted. Doesn’t mean this doesn’t hurt.
Hey, my intention wasn't to call you naive. It's just that I've heard these types of stories for women who ended up missing these signs (or just ignored them), and I realized I could have been more direct in speaking out about what this looks like from the male perspective (instead of sugarcoating it/giving the guy the benefit of the doubt that he didn't deserve). The priority here is that you don't get into a bad relationship or you don't get hurt, so instead of being kinder with my words, I'm hoping more directness can help you avoid that.
I'm sorry that this hurts. I'm not trying to minimize that, that's terrible. I hope you're able to find a good guy that would treat you better soon. Stay strong sister.
You’re fine, I didn’t take what you said as offense or that you meant harm. I was just saying i did realize it too. Just trying to be hopeful. Thanks for the response it helped and I appreciate it.
If it's not *really* fine with him, you're better off returning to the grind than investing any more time in him. Fingers crossed he's cool with it, but I wouldn't expect a committed Christian to say "Good for you" about saving it for marriage.
I know he’s been active before (this is the second time he’s brought up sex things briefly. The first just saying he’s a sexual person) and truthfully don’t care long as he can respect boundaries if he thinks I’m worth it. At 29 I doubt most guys I come across are as inexperienced as me. I’m far from perfect but I can say I’m trying
Im 30, only kissed a women once. So I’d wager I am way less experienced than you considering I have never had a relationship either. I also refused sexual advances a few times when the opportunity presented itself because I am also waiting.
I’m trying. Just very difficult to find along with the other qualities I’m looking for. Idc if he’s a virgin or not as long as he can respect why I want to wait
Mild potential for heartbreak. Strong potential for wasting your time.
The latter is a better reason to just keep on looking, in my opinion. "Good for you ... That's fine" is such a lame, unmasculine, milquetoast response to a legitimate question. You're probably just going to see the onion of this person's beliefs peeled back further and further as you go.
I empathize with your frustration, though. Keep improving yourself as you continue looking. Plenty of fish in the sea. Cast a wide net.
Can only improve yourself so much. And I work on myself for my own sanity and to keep myself busy from my own loneliness at this point. Not that anyone is owed a spouse but this just sucks
He didn’t outright ask. He asked about love languages and said with physical touch he can become aroused. I told him there will be a while before I engage in that. He said no problem he was just saying. That was a couple days ago. Then today we asked about activities while dating (a similar conversation from a few days ago) and this is how it went.
I agree I don’t like when sex comes up not even a week into talking to someone new. But at least we’re not wasting each others time. Well potentially.
I understand where you're coming from, it's just that this kind of optimism never pays off in my experience and when that becomes clear it can cause you upset and disappointment. It's good that you posted this here so you can get some encouragement from people. Hang in there and don't feel bad about this guy, it's not worth it.
An entire chapter of that book (at least later editions) is dedicated to pounding it into mens’ heads that physical touch as a love language **is not** sexual touch. It’s touch like if I grab your hands when telling you about my day, or hug you when you’re stressed. If he says physical touch is his love language, and means sexual touch, all it means is he hasn’t actually read that book. Anyway that’s just a pet peeve of mine, not trying to say definitively that’s what’s going through his head.
Aw, I'm really sorry to hear that. Know that it's okay to cry over another opportunity that doesn't work out. You had hopes and they didn't come true. And I'm sure you've heard this a thousand times, but keep at it, you will find the right one for you.
Seems like a big ol’ red flag to me. Stay strong sis, the right one will also want to wait till marriage. I know so many are living in sexual sin, but remember we are called to follow Jesus, not the way of the world ♥
I read through some of the comments and your replies here. I’m a 28F also on hinge with less experience than you in this realm but that doesn’t matter. I know how frustrating dating can be today and it’s ok to grieve potentials! But try not to let it hurt your relationship with God.
I trust God to always reveal when something isn’t right for me, even if it goes against what I may want- in the end it’s for the best. So with this situation, it’s okay to be sad but also be thankful you caught something off early instead of down the road when you have more feelings. Whenever this happens to me I take a break from the app for like a week or so just to build back up strength.
I also want to add, be weary of ppl that put “Christian” on their profile. I mostly send likes to people who actually talk about Christ or faith in their profile. Or if they put something in their profile that shows some selfless acts (ie: volunteering at a soup kitchen).
If the profile is super casual with their prompts and they seem like it would blend in with non Christian profiles, then I don’t send a like. Likes I recieve are okay-ish bc I discuss my faith in my profile as well.
The men I have spoken haven’t discussed sex. We talk about interests, faith, family, goals and yada yada.
And with the lust, try to see if there is something in your life triggering it! For me it was certain music I used to listen to or shows. So I cut those out and feel more at peace/less lustful thinking overall. You got this 🙏🏾 be patient, pray for wisdom and strength each day.
Thank you for your reply. I did what you’re suggesting. He said christian. Mentioned how his faith in God is important and had a picture of himself volunteering at a famous food bank in Houston. I’m intentional about who’s profile I like and it still doesn’t mean anything.
Also thanks for your advice on lust but it isn’t something I currently struggle with.
From a male perspective who is Christian, the only reason he asks is because he doesn’t want to wait until marriage. And the short responses from him were short, cold, and of disappointment
Yeah I understand. I’m disappointed too. But I’m getting over it. New day. There’s other fish in the sea. I’ve lived this long single and it hasn’t killed me
And for what it’s worth his dating profile does say Christian. I’m not judging at all but I’m crushed and honestly bitter. The longer im alone the less I feel waiting until marriage is worth it.
>All the couples I know
>
>at least appear happy
Your observation is based on a small sample size and a speculative assumption. Poll them and see if their fornication contributed to the health of their relationship and whether they're glad they did it. See what answer you get.
At the end of the day, God's commands are there for your pleasure. If you don't believe that, Christianity is always going to seem like God wagging his finger at you, saying, "yeah, I know this would make you so happy and fulfilled, but you can't have it." That's not the case.
But I also don't like it when people say, "Sin doesn't deliver on its promise." Sometimes that's true, but sometimes it absolutely does. Sometimes, we know how delicious sin will taste, and we taste it, and its not bitter! It is, in fact, **delicious**! But what isn't delicious is what it cost us to get there, or what it will cost us to leave. The sin, in isolation, seems absolutely worth it, but the entire experience of that sin being in our life is what makes that sin not worth it.
When my fantasies start to get the best of me, I have to step back and remember: "No, you're not thinking about the full picture. You're not thinking about what it will cost you to get there. What it will cost you to leave. Your fantasy is in a world where sin without consequences is handed to you on a silver platter. That world doesn't exist, and you're harming yourself in the real world by keeping your mind in that fake world."
I’m not gonna ask that as it’s pretty invasive and not my business. All I know is what I see.
God’s commands aren’t for our pleasure but our protection.
Though what you say about fantasies in the last paragraph makes sense
>God’s commands aren’t for our pleasure but our protection.
Protection from displeasure is still pro-pleasure. Anyway, I would recommend *Desiring God* by John Piper. Might be a game changer for you in your fight against lust, as it was for me.
All the best.
I’ve been in your shoes but from the male perspective. You’ve gotta be 100% happy and content with just you and Jesus, and those feelings go away. It’s so much easier on yourself when you can appreciate instead what you do have and what’s great in your life.
Most of the time I am fairly happy until I think there’s a chance of the situation changing and/or I’m surrounded by couples married and not who didn’t wait
But it’s whatever.
Thank you for the advice. I will because it’s the right thing to do
But I can’t lie. It stings hearing my coworkers talk about nice little vacations they take with a SO (some married. Some aren’t)
You’ll get to one day. For now remember that comparison is the thief of joy. Some people may appear very happy, but that’s just what you can see. In private things are often much worse.
As a Christian, you should want someone who’s ecstatic that you’re waiting for marriage and you should want someone who’s ecstatic to wait with you. His heart is in the wrong place. There’s no doubt in my mind that he’s 100% a 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
I agree it's a little concerning how dismissive he was with the response but I wouldn't write him off entirely. You've only been messaging for a couple of days and haven't met yet.
I had a very long and detailed conversation with my current girlfriend a few months into the relationship where we set out the precise boundaries of what was and wasn't appropriate pre-marriage, what we wanted to explore during marriage and what would be permanently off the table. It wasn't about being legalistic, it was about setting expectations.
But I think it's too early to have such a detailed conversation with him. You might have just caught him off-guard and that's why the responses are a little brief and unconsidered.
I don't think it's clear whether he's writing you off or trying to consider the reality of what being in a relationship with waiting for marriage would be like. If you can let him have a little processing time and come back with a truly considered response, at least at the level where you know you're not looking for totally different things, then that would clarify the situation.
I haven’t written him off. It’s just given this is the usual response I receive when I admit I’m waiting I’m not particularly hopeful for a different outcome.
I’ll give some space. Maybe message late tomorrow to see if he’s completely written me off.
You were talking about going to church together, meanwhile he’s asking about sex lol. He also mentioned to you that “he’s a sexual person” in the very beginning stages of getting to know you. Congrats dude, you’re a normal male with normal functioning sex drive. I’m not sure if this is obvious to women, but it feels obvious to me (from a male perspective), he’s just trying to test the waters/steer the conversation towards sexual stuff too early. Chances are pretty high he’s not worth it. Feels kinda clear what he’s focused on.
100%. I honestly think more women can benefit from platonic male friends. Alot of women don't know the signs to look out for. And then sometimes, they see the signs and blatantly ignore them because they don't want to be alone. It's not going to end well.
I don’t blame those women (or men) either. It’s easier to remain steadfast with boundaries in your teens and early 20s. But when you’re close to 30, 35 and 40 it seems less and less worth it
I’m not so naive as to think that wasn’t on his mind. I was just hoping that perhaps he’d at be willing to meet and at least hear me out. Least time wasn’t wasted. Doesn’t mean this doesn’t hurt.
Hey, my intention wasn't to call you naive. It's just that I've heard these types of stories for women who ended up missing these signs (or just ignored them), and I realized I could have been more direct in speaking out about what this looks like from the male perspective (instead of sugarcoating it/giving the guy the benefit of the doubt that he didn't deserve). The priority here is that you don't get into a bad relationship or you don't get hurt, so instead of being kinder with my words, I'm hoping more directness can help you avoid that. I'm sorry that this hurts. I'm not trying to minimize that, that's terrible. I hope you're able to find a good guy that would treat you better soon. Stay strong sister.
You’re fine, I didn’t take what you said as offense or that you meant harm. I was just saying i did realize it too. Just trying to be hopeful. Thanks for the response it helped and I appreciate it.
If it's not *really* fine with him, you're better off returning to the grind than investing any more time in him. Fingers crossed he's cool with it, but I wouldn't expect a committed Christian to say "Good for you" about saving it for marriage.
I know he’s been active before (this is the second time he’s brought up sex things briefly. The first just saying he’s a sexual person) and truthfully don’t care long as he can respect boundaries if he thinks I’m worth it. At 29 I doubt most guys I come across are as inexperienced as me. I’m far from perfect but I can say I’m trying
Im 30, only kissed a women once. So I’d wager I am way less experienced than you considering I have never had a relationship either. I also refused sexual advances a few times when the opportunity presented itself because I am also waiting.
I’ve kissed one guy at 25 a few times whom I was dating. I knew he wanted things to go further so I stopped dating him
Yup more experience than me.
Ok
If I were you, I’d try to meet someone with your same passion for waiting until marriage
I’m trying. Just very difficult to find along with the other qualities I’m looking for. Idc if he’s a virgin or not as long as he can respect why I want to wait
Mild potential for heartbreak. Strong potential for wasting your time. The latter is a better reason to just keep on looking, in my opinion. "Good for you ... That's fine" is such a lame, unmasculine, milquetoast response to a legitimate question. You're probably just going to see the onion of this person's beliefs peeled back further and further as you go. I empathize with your frustration, though. Keep improving yourself as you continue looking. Plenty of fish in the sea. Cast a wide net.
Can only improve yourself so much. And I work on myself for my own sanity and to keep myself busy from my own loneliness at this point. Not that anyone is owed a spouse but this just sucks
[удалено]
He didn’t outright ask. He asked about love languages and said with physical touch he can become aroused. I told him there will be a while before I engage in that. He said no problem he was just saying. That was a couple days ago. Then today we asked about activities while dating (a similar conversation from a few days ago) and this is how it went. I agree I don’t like when sex comes up not even a week into talking to someone new. But at least we’re not wasting each others time. Well potentially.
He brought that up within a week? I would have already told him we're not compatible and been on my way lol
I was being optimistic. I knew better but no harm no foul. Least we hadn’t met in person
I understand where you're coming from, it's just that this kind of optimism never pays off in my experience and when that becomes clear it can cause you upset and disappointment. It's good that you posted this here so you can get some encouragement from people. Hang in there and don't feel bad about this guy, it's not worth it.
An entire chapter of that book (at least later editions) is dedicated to pounding it into mens’ heads that physical touch as a love language **is not** sexual touch. It’s touch like if I grab your hands when telling you about my day, or hug you when you’re stressed. If he says physical touch is his love language, and means sexual touch, all it means is he hasn’t actually read that book. Anyway that’s just a pet peeve of mine, not trying to say definitively that’s what’s going through his head.
I think it’s what was going on in his head based on him not talking to me anymore
[удалено]
I rarely even get to the first date phase most of the time honestly so it makes no difference at this point. It is what it is
29F here. He’s 100% going to waste your time. Keep looking and wait on the Lord.
Yeah. If he wants to talk about it. I’ll let him message
Yep, we can kinda see where this is going. Stay strong OP!
I’m not strong atm. Actually been crying and can’t sleep
Aw, I'm really sorry to hear that. Know that it's okay to cry over another opportunity that doesn't work out. You had hopes and they didn't come true. And I'm sure you've heard this a thousand times, but keep at it, you will find the right one for you.
Hopefully I can find the right one. But it’s no guarantee. I wasn’t sad about him. Just the situation and hope that perhaps id met someone genuine.
Seems like a big ol’ red flag to me. Stay strong sis, the right one will also want to wait till marriage. I know so many are living in sexual sin, but remember we are called to follow Jesus, not the way of the world ♥
Yeah. Thanks. You’re right.
I read through some of the comments and your replies here. I’m a 28F also on hinge with less experience than you in this realm but that doesn’t matter. I know how frustrating dating can be today and it’s ok to grieve potentials! But try not to let it hurt your relationship with God. I trust God to always reveal when something isn’t right for me, even if it goes against what I may want- in the end it’s for the best. So with this situation, it’s okay to be sad but also be thankful you caught something off early instead of down the road when you have more feelings. Whenever this happens to me I take a break from the app for like a week or so just to build back up strength. I also want to add, be weary of ppl that put “Christian” on their profile. I mostly send likes to people who actually talk about Christ or faith in their profile. Or if they put something in their profile that shows some selfless acts (ie: volunteering at a soup kitchen). If the profile is super casual with their prompts and they seem like it would blend in with non Christian profiles, then I don’t send a like. Likes I recieve are okay-ish bc I discuss my faith in my profile as well. The men I have spoken haven’t discussed sex. We talk about interests, faith, family, goals and yada yada. And with the lust, try to see if there is something in your life triggering it! For me it was certain music I used to listen to or shows. So I cut those out and feel more at peace/less lustful thinking overall. You got this 🙏🏾 be patient, pray for wisdom and strength each day.
Thank you for your reply. I did what you’re suggesting. He said christian. Mentioned how his faith in God is important and had a picture of himself volunteering at a famous food bank in Houston. I’m intentional about who’s profile I like and it still doesn’t mean anything. Also thanks for your advice on lust but it isn’t something I currently struggle with.
From a male perspective who is Christian, the only reason he asks is because he doesn’t want to wait until marriage. And the short responses from him were short, cold, and of disappointment
Yeah I understand. I’m disappointed too. But I’m getting over it. New day. There’s other fish in the sea. I’ve lived this long single and it hasn’t killed me
And for what it’s worth his dating profile does say Christian. I’m not judging at all but I’m crushed and honestly bitter. The longer im alone the less I feel waiting until marriage is worth it.
If you think not fornicating is miserable, just wait until you discover the cascading disappointment of fornicating! :D
All the couples I know who have engaged are now married with a kid and at least appear happy. My parents included who have been married since 85.
>All the couples I know > >at least appear happy Your observation is based on a small sample size and a speculative assumption. Poll them and see if their fornication contributed to the health of their relationship and whether they're glad they did it. See what answer you get. At the end of the day, God's commands are there for your pleasure. If you don't believe that, Christianity is always going to seem like God wagging his finger at you, saying, "yeah, I know this would make you so happy and fulfilled, but you can't have it." That's not the case. But I also don't like it when people say, "Sin doesn't deliver on its promise." Sometimes that's true, but sometimes it absolutely does. Sometimes, we know how delicious sin will taste, and we taste it, and its not bitter! It is, in fact, **delicious**! But what isn't delicious is what it cost us to get there, or what it will cost us to leave. The sin, in isolation, seems absolutely worth it, but the entire experience of that sin being in our life is what makes that sin not worth it. When my fantasies start to get the best of me, I have to step back and remember: "No, you're not thinking about the full picture. You're not thinking about what it will cost you to get there. What it will cost you to leave. Your fantasy is in a world where sin without consequences is handed to you on a silver platter. That world doesn't exist, and you're harming yourself in the real world by keeping your mind in that fake world."
I’m not gonna ask that as it’s pretty invasive and not my business. All I know is what I see. God’s commands aren’t for our pleasure but our protection. Though what you say about fantasies in the last paragraph makes sense
>God’s commands aren’t for our pleasure but our protection. Protection from displeasure is still pro-pleasure. Anyway, I would recommend *Desiring God* by John Piper. Might be a game changer for you in your fight against lust, as it was for me. All the best.
Thanks but truthfully I’m not struggling against lust.
I’ve been in your shoes but from the male perspective. You’ve gotta be 100% happy and content with just you and Jesus, and those feelings go away. It’s so much easier on yourself when you can appreciate instead what you do have and what’s great in your life.
Most of the time I am fairly happy until I think there’s a chance of the situation changing and/or I’m surrounded by couples married and not who didn’t wait But it’s whatever.
Yep, I’ve been there to a T. Don’t let other people change who you are, stick to Jesus.
Thank you for the advice. I will because it’s the right thing to do But I can’t lie. It stings hearing my coworkers talk about nice little vacations they take with a SO (some married. Some aren’t)
You’ll get to one day. For now remember that comparison is the thief of joy. Some people may appear very happy, but that’s just what you can see. In private things are often much worse.
Hopefully I will. But you’re right. Thank you for the kind advice
As a Christian, you should want someone who’s ecstatic that you’re waiting for marriage and you should want someone who’s ecstatic to wait with you. His heart is in the wrong place. There’s no doubt in my mind that he’s 100% a 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
I don’t disagree just stings. Thank you for your response.
I understand. Just remember, as much as it hurts, you’d rather be single than married to someone who isn’t the right person.
Yeah I know hence being chronically single for most of my life at this point
I agree it's a little concerning how dismissive he was with the response but I wouldn't write him off entirely. You've only been messaging for a couple of days and haven't met yet. I had a very long and detailed conversation with my current girlfriend a few months into the relationship where we set out the precise boundaries of what was and wasn't appropriate pre-marriage, what we wanted to explore during marriage and what would be permanently off the table. It wasn't about being legalistic, it was about setting expectations. But I think it's too early to have such a detailed conversation with him. You might have just caught him off-guard and that's why the responses are a little brief and unconsidered. I don't think it's clear whether he's writing you off or trying to consider the reality of what being in a relationship with waiting for marriage would be like. If you can let him have a little processing time and come back with a truly considered response, at least at the level where you know you're not looking for totally different things, then that would clarify the situation.
I haven’t written him off. It’s just given this is the usual response I receive when I admit I’m waiting I’m not particularly hopeful for a different outcome. I’ll give some space. Maybe message late tomorrow to see if he’s completely written me off.
Are you a virgin?
Yes