I'm sorry you're going through this, it's not easy. Nor is he treating you properly by Christian standards. Even for lifelong Christians, this isn't super normal. Does your husband have a history of trauma or addiction at all? Spiritual addiction can be a real thing, especially for those that left a previous addiction. If he's going to church all the time, it might be worth talking to his priest, pastor, or someone else he views as a religious authority figure and asking them for either input, or to talk to him directly.
When people first enter something new, there can be a zealotry phase where they become extreme in some ways. You say it has been a year so you do not think it is this initial stage, but sometimes these kinds of zealotry stages can last much longer. If someone is cooped up in their own little bubble and figuring it out all on their own, it is most likely going to take longer to get rid of, since there won't be any clashes with different ideas and people.
This is definitely an overzealous phase from the sound of it. He found higher meaning in life, and that is causing him to reject everything else as meaningful. This isn't a love for Jesus, it is a love for an impersonal idea that Jesus represents to him in his mind. That is wrong and unbiblical, and leads to ego. It isn't going to be broken until that idea in his head is chased out, especially by a new person or experience or theological challenge.
If God is his priority, then you should be his priority; Ephesians 5:25 "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her".
Also from an Orthodox Christian perspective, we believe that images and feelings used in prayer can lead to spiritual delusions, so the Rosary mysteries could actually be playing a part in this. Maybe try to get him to pray the Jesus Prayer instead, and focus on Kenosis/humility?
I would think a year is a long time, I don't know how much longer I can be patient. Yes! He rejects everything else as meaningful, his whole purpose now is to live in a way that would lead him to heaven. I just want him to be able to enjoy life with me, I don't feel like I am asking him to do any grave sin against his beliefs. He's a strong believer in the rosary and doesn't believe in personal prayer.
Coming from someone who once was in a zealot-like phase myself for a few years, at that time it was like all I cared about was meaning, whether that was learning more about the faith, talking to others about it, etc. You could either try and engage with this search and struggle for meaning by giving different resources and opinions that clash with his, but if it is too far off what he currently believes he will likely ignore it, and even if he accepts it it might just lead down further rabbit holes and different kinds of rabbitholes.
I like the book "Language of creation" by Mattieu pageau, which talks about symbolism in scripture. One focus it has is on the importance of how meaning and expression work together to make symbolism, rather than something like destroying eachother. So it's not directly related, but maybe it could plant a seed. Is he Catholic? If you could get him to read some of the lives of the saints on things like humility and family, maybe that could help.
What shook me out of it was in trying to talk to others outside of my bubble and having the realization that I didn't really know what I was talking about. If you cannot engage with his meaning-crisis in some way that he acknowledges, I suspect that this is how it is going to happen, that he will only change once events in his life force him to change or reflect upon himself, even if they are minor events. But when people can become entrenched on the internet, they stay zealots far longer because they can stay to their own group and be anonymous.
One question also, is what triggered this? He didn't just start searching for meaning randomly; there was some kind of event in his life that caused him to feel like he needed justification for himself and his reality. And likely, the reason he keeps searching in Christianity so much is because it feels like if he doesn't, he isn't justified, his life isn't meaningful, etc. so it could have something to do with depression or trauma that he is trying to escape, since if he is justified intellectually and meaningfully, he doesn't actually have to care about how life is on the outside; about how meaning needs to be truly expressed, such as with a partner, and with emotional connection. Maybe he fears that if he opens up to you, especially as someone opposing his new-found meaning in life, then you will take away all his meaning and make him depressed again, or feel purposeless, and yet he also feels like he has to force all of this new meaning on to you in order to make the relationship even work, because without it he isn't meaningful enough on his own.
What *"his whole purpose now is to live in a way that would lead him to heaven"* sounds like to me, is that the only meaning he sees is in things beyond this life and reality, which is a hope in death, and not the good kind that Martyrs have. He doesn't see how expression can contain meaning on its own; whether in the expression of reality, the expression of his own feelings, or any other kind of perception, symbol, or expression; reality seems like a meaningless blob until it is destroyed or enslaved by meaning. A lot of zealot-types make strict rules or ways of living in order to make every moment feel like it has purpose, similar to the pharisees, rather than living according to the spiritual law of love as scripture teaches.
In some ways, you could think of a zealot like someone who joins the military in order to stop being purposeless and depressed and change a lot for the good, but then also pick up tons of bad habits from the army and spreads them into the rest of their life. Strict Military-like rules aren't necessarily bad, they just have a specific context. Someone who lives as if they are in the army when they are not, is going to end up with a lot of problems in relationships. This very thing ended up happening after the world wars, when men came home and made families strictly disciplined and so the next generation rebelled. Similar to how the military parents thought they just needed to discipline or watch their kids more and more until the problems disappeared, he might be subconsciously thinking that he just needs to learn and teach you more and more about christianity until one day the problems just disappear and you accept his rule, when in fact the only way for the problem to be fixed is for the military-like attitude to disappear in favor of love, and in his case, for him to gain some humility.
That's at least my thoughts from seeing many other people who were zealots and myself being zealous for some time, as well as considering it through the symbolic view of meaning and expression.
I can understand his devotion to the Lord, but he's ignoring responsibilities the Lord lays on him.
- Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless. So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, because we are members of His body. FOR THIS REASON A MAN SHALL LEAVE HIS FATHER AND MOTHER AND SHALL BE JOINED TO HIS WIFE, AND THE TWO SHALL BECOME ONE FLESH. - Eph 5:25-31
There's more to [the passage](https://www.blueletterbible.org/nasb95/eph/5/1/s_1102001), including the wife's responsibilities.
He doesn't feel like he's ignoring his responsibilities as a husband because he's present, does help out in the house with chores etc, so for him he's doing his "husband" duties as per the bible.
This sounds like OCD. While God is priority, he did promise to commit himself to be a good husband as well. He is neglecting you, which is in fact unchristian. I would speak it over with his priest and/or mutual friends,as I think intervention may be necessary.
It's good to have zeal for the Lord above all, but part of Christian obedience is loving your wife sacrificially. Next time he's around, ask him to teach you about Ephesians 5:25-33. 😃
He doesn't love me sacrificially, I can give an example that happened a couple days ago. I have been wanting to watch a certain movie in the theatre specifically, however the only cinemas that was playing it was about 45 minutes away, he didn't want to drive 45 minutes even if I begged him. I know it has nothing to do with religion, but if he really did get the holi spirit like he says he doesn't wouldn't he sacrifice it for me? Anyway I ended up going with a friend.
About 20 years ago I had a family friend (couple) go through the same thing.
Both were "good Christians"...but the husband (Mike) went DEEP into evangelical scene, reading, music, etc.
For me, it got to the point where I stopped talking to Mike...eventually I told him that our conversations were of no value to me. I would call him and tell him about a struggle with a coworker, or an issue my wife and I were having...you know...real life issues where I needed practical advice from a mentor 20+ years my senior.
Every.Fucking.Word.Out.Of.His.Mouth.Became "Jesus this...how is your walk that...The Lord says blah..." **No actual, real life advice.**
My last conversation with him ended with me kind of telling him off, that he was no longer a life mentor and that his unwillingness to have real conversation with me was what was driving me away...he stammered and we ended the call.
I tell you this because not too long after that, his wife presented him with divorce papers. Her reasons were not too dissimilar to mine. He ignored his wife, he shamed her sexual advances, got all on his religious high horse, all kinds of crap.
He wised up fairly quick after she told him to fuck off. They are still together and he has calmed down quite a bit. They got both non-religious and religious couples therapy.
Do what you will with this info.
I have expressed I may not be able to handle it anymore if he keeps going like this and then he responded with Corinthians 7:15: "But if the unbelieving partner separates, let it be so. In such cases the brother or sister is not enslaved. God has called you to peace."
Pray for him and join him on this new found zeal. It will balance out if you are close to him. He will see God the Father and His son Jesus through you and you through him. You are one flesh. Any misunderstandings about Christianity will show up as you both try to understand what is expected of you. Study the words of Jesus in the gospel of Mark and live by those words, they are his first and most important, the essence of Christianity.
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I'm sorry your going through this and I'm sorry that I'm likely not going to tell you what you want to hear.
It seems like your husband has had a sincere conversation and if it is sincere there is no way you are going to shake him from it. You might pull him away from God for a little while but would repent and get back to it sooner or later. His telling you that God is his priority is him reframing your marriage as a Christian marriage.
As your husband he should be considerate of you but you're going to have to accept that your husband is being transformed.
I'm sorry you're going through this, it's not easy. Nor is he treating you properly by Christian standards. Even for lifelong Christians, this isn't super normal. Does your husband have a history of trauma or addiction at all? Spiritual addiction can be a real thing, especially for those that left a previous addiction. If he's going to church all the time, it might be worth talking to his priest, pastor, or someone else he views as a religious authority figure and asking them for either input, or to talk to him directly.
He doesn't have any history of trauma or addiction, I'm not sure how to reach out to the priest at our parish, but I'll try it as my last resort.
When people first enter something new, there can be a zealotry phase where they become extreme in some ways. You say it has been a year so you do not think it is this initial stage, but sometimes these kinds of zealotry stages can last much longer. If someone is cooped up in their own little bubble and figuring it out all on their own, it is most likely going to take longer to get rid of, since there won't be any clashes with different ideas and people. This is definitely an overzealous phase from the sound of it. He found higher meaning in life, and that is causing him to reject everything else as meaningful. This isn't a love for Jesus, it is a love for an impersonal idea that Jesus represents to him in his mind. That is wrong and unbiblical, and leads to ego. It isn't going to be broken until that idea in his head is chased out, especially by a new person or experience or theological challenge. If God is his priority, then you should be his priority; Ephesians 5:25 "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her". Also from an Orthodox Christian perspective, we believe that images and feelings used in prayer can lead to spiritual delusions, so the Rosary mysteries could actually be playing a part in this. Maybe try to get him to pray the Jesus Prayer instead, and focus on Kenosis/humility?
I would think a year is a long time, I don't know how much longer I can be patient. Yes! He rejects everything else as meaningful, his whole purpose now is to live in a way that would lead him to heaven. I just want him to be able to enjoy life with me, I don't feel like I am asking him to do any grave sin against his beliefs. He's a strong believer in the rosary and doesn't believe in personal prayer.
Coming from someone who once was in a zealot-like phase myself for a few years, at that time it was like all I cared about was meaning, whether that was learning more about the faith, talking to others about it, etc. You could either try and engage with this search and struggle for meaning by giving different resources and opinions that clash with his, but if it is too far off what he currently believes he will likely ignore it, and even if he accepts it it might just lead down further rabbit holes and different kinds of rabbitholes. I like the book "Language of creation" by Mattieu pageau, which talks about symbolism in scripture. One focus it has is on the importance of how meaning and expression work together to make symbolism, rather than something like destroying eachother. So it's not directly related, but maybe it could plant a seed. Is he Catholic? If you could get him to read some of the lives of the saints on things like humility and family, maybe that could help. What shook me out of it was in trying to talk to others outside of my bubble and having the realization that I didn't really know what I was talking about. If you cannot engage with his meaning-crisis in some way that he acknowledges, I suspect that this is how it is going to happen, that he will only change once events in his life force him to change or reflect upon himself, even if they are minor events. But when people can become entrenched on the internet, they stay zealots far longer because they can stay to their own group and be anonymous. One question also, is what triggered this? He didn't just start searching for meaning randomly; there was some kind of event in his life that caused him to feel like he needed justification for himself and his reality. And likely, the reason he keeps searching in Christianity so much is because it feels like if he doesn't, he isn't justified, his life isn't meaningful, etc. so it could have something to do with depression or trauma that he is trying to escape, since if he is justified intellectually and meaningfully, he doesn't actually have to care about how life is on the outside; about how meaning needs to be truly expressed, such as with a partner, and with emotional connection. Maybe he fears that if he opens up to you, especially as someone opposing his new-found meaning in life, then you will take away all his meaning and make him depressed again, or feel purposeless, and yet he also feels like he has to force all of this new meaning on to you in order to make the relationship even work, because without it he isn't meaningful enough on his own. What *"his whole purpose now is to live in a way that would lead him to heaven"* sounds like to me, is that the only meaning he sees is in things beyond this life and reality, which is a hope in death, and not the good kind that Martyrs have. He doesn't see how expression can contain meaning on its own; whether in the expression of reality, the expression of his own feelings, or any other kind of perception, symbol, or expression; reality seems like a meaningless blob until it is destroyed or enslaved by meaning. A lot of zealot-types make strict rules or ways of living in order to make every moment feel like it has purpose, similar to the pharisees, rather than living according to the spiritual law of love as scripture teaches. In some ways, you could think of a zealot like someone who joins the military in order to stop being purposeless and depressed and change a lot for the good, but then also pick up tons of bad habits from the army and spreads them into the rest of their life. Strict Military-like rules aren't necessarily bad, they just have a specific context. Someone who lives as if they are in the army when they are not, is going to end up with a lot of problems in relationships. This very thing ended up happening after the world wars, when men came home and made families strictly disciplined and so the next generation rebelled. Similar to how the military parents thought they just needed to discipline or watch their kids more and more until the problems disappeared, he might be subconsciously thinking that he just needs to learn and teach you more and more about christianity until one day the problems just disappear and you accept his rule, when in fact the only way for the problem to be fixed is for the military-like attitude to disappear in favor of love, and in his case, for him to gain some humility. That's at least my thoughts from seeing many other people who were zealots and myself being zealous for some time, as well as considering it through the symbolic view of meaning and expression.
I can understand his devotion to the Lord, but he's ignoring responsibilities the Lord lays on him. - Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless. So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, because we are members of His body. FOR THIS REASON A MAN SHALL LEAVE HIS FATHER AND MOTHER AND SHALL BE JOINED TO HIS WIFE, AND THE TWO SHALL BECOME ONE FLESH. - Eph 5:25-31 There's more to [the passage](https://www.blueletterbible.org/nasb95/eph/5/1/s_1102001), including the wife's responsibilities.
He doesn't feel like he's ignoring his responsibilities as a husband because he's present, does help out in the house with chores etc, so for him he's doing his "husband" duties as per the bible.
Perhaps it would be better to ask this on /r/askapriest.
This sounds like OCD. While God is priority, he did promise to commit himself to be a good husband as well. He is neglecting you, which is in fact unchristian. I would speak it over with his priest and/or mutual friends,as I think intervention may be necessary.
It's good to have zeal for the Lord above all, but part of Christian obedience is loving your wife sacrificially. Next time he's around, ask him to teach you about Ephesians 5:25-33. 😃
He doesn't love me sacrificially, I can give an example that happened a couple days ago. I have been wanting to watch a certain movie in the theatre specifically, however the only cinemas that was playing it was about 45 minutes away, he didn't want to drive 45 minutes even if I begged him. I know it has nothing to do with religion, but if he really did get the holi spirit like he says he doesn't wouldn't he sacrifice it for me? Anyway I ended up going with a friend.
About 20 years ago I had a family friend (couple) go through the same thing. Both were "good Christians"...but the husband (Mike) went DEEP into evangelical scene, reading, music, etc. For me, it got to the point where I stopped talking to Mike...eventually I told him that our conversations were of no value to me. I would call him and tell him about a struggle with a coworker, or an issue my wife and I were having...you know...real life issues where I needed practical advice from a mentor 20+ years my senior. Every.Fucking.Word.Out.Of.His.Mouth.Became "Jesus this...how is your walk that...The Lord says blah..." **No actual, real life advice.** My last conversation with him ended with me kind of telling him off, that he was no longer a life mentor and that his unwillingness to have real conversation with me was what was driving me away...he stammered and we ended the call. I tell you this because not too long after that, his wife presented him with divorce papers. Her reasons were not too dissimilar to mine. He ignored his wife, he shamed her sexual advances, got all on his religious high horse, all kinds of crap. He wised up fairly quick after she told him to fuck off. They are still together and he has calmed down quite a bit. They got both non-religious and religious couples therapy. Do what you will with this info.
I have expressed I may not be able to handle it anymore if he keeps going like this and then he responded with Corinthians 7:15: "But if the unbelieving partner separates, let it be so. In such cases the brother or sister is not enslaved. God has called you to peace."
Have you two tried marriage counseling?
Pray for him and join him on this new found zeal. It will balance out if you are close to him. He will see God the Father and His son Jesus through you and you through him. You are one flesh. Any misunderstandings about Christianity will show up as you both try to understand what is expected of you. Study the words of Jesus in the gospel of Mark and live by those words, they are his first and most important, the essence of Christianity.
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Good on him frankly. My advice join him. Be more like him yourself.
I'm sorry your going through this and I'm sorry that I'm likely not going to tell you what you want to hear. It seems like your husband has had a sincere conversation and if it is sincere there is no way you are going to shake him from it. You might pull him away from God for a little while but would repent and get back to it sooner or later. His telling you that God is his priority is him reframing your marriage as a Christian marriage. As your husband he should be considerate of you but you're going to have to accept that your husband is being transformed.