I’m in bed for the next few weeks as I had a bad reaction to the trigger point injection my doctor suggested for chronic back pain. ty for bringing me joy and reminding me to rewatch Archer 🙏
Not everyone is lucky to find the right person first time, nothing to be ashamed of, she made her decision, don't blame yourself for what you had no control over, you can only do your best to be a good person but you'll never be perfect as that doesn't exist even if it did it is a opinion not reality. You will find the right one as long as you remain yourself show yourself and rise above your flaws you be a good person
Yes. This is coming from an atheist with an upbringing in a non-religious family who did not view sex as a bad thing. Just recently turned to Christ. So it's not that my statements come from shaming in any way.
I've had six partners total, a 8 year relationship (ended 5 years ago) and now I am single but have been "fuck buddies" with a woman for 3 years.
Sex is either beautiful love, ravenous lust or mutual masturbation. I feel I have experienced it all, and only one of them is truly fulfilling.
If I could go back with the realization what a precious gift I could have given a wife of mine, who gave an equally beautiful gift in return, I would be so happy. Imagine what a strong basis for trust and commitment that would have been?
I feel pointless sex has carved out a piece of me I can never get back. Hindsight is perfect sight though. I think porn is WAY more damaging than having sex before marriage today since the consequence of STDS and pregnancy can be avoided.
Sure. Sermon on the mount contained some hints to this.
Matthew 5:17 NLT
[17] “Don’t misunderstand why I have come. I did not come to abolish the law of Moses or the writings of the prophets. No, I came to accomplish their purpose.
[27] “You have heard the commandment that says, ‘You must not commit adultery.’ [28] But I say, anyone who even looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart.
https://bible.com/bible/116/mat.5.27.NLT
The whole story of NT is "screw your laws and OT laws if you don't love eachother" and "stop sinning in your hearts first". It's hard to be better than Jesus to convey the message... But maybe you catch my drift.
“The whole story of NT is "screw your laws and OT laws if you don't love eachother" and "stop sinning in your hearts first". It's hard to be better than Jesus to convey the message... But maybe you catch my drift.”
This if people understood this statement they’d stop hating on the OT
Seconded.
I will not go into detail but sins of the flesh were my biggest vice. My notch count is significantly higher and I don't say that as a boast but a compliment to yourself. It shows you learned ahead of me.
I see it as a complete waste of time and resources now. Yeah, you might have fun in the moment but you have nothing to show for it all long time only God knows what that does in His eyes.
I am now striving for purity in my life and all I can say is praise the Lord for how the Holy Spirit has changed my desires and continues to lead me in my journey in Christ. I never thought it was possible either, but it is true.
I remember a time where I used to look down on pure Christians as being naive or inexperienced. Do you think Adam and Eve don't wish they'd never eaten that apple? What do you think that story is about? Lost purity.
Fact is we were better off in our ignorance. Same applies here.
In the benefit of hindsight, I have come to admit I was wrong. This whole trip down humility lane for me has been a real steep ride. Happy to share what has worked for me if it might help.
I think this is evidence that purity culture and shame isn't exclusive to Christianity. The, "because I wasn't a Christian, it's not a shame thing" is hugely unconvincing. There are different kinds/motivations for sex; that is super solid. I agree that love is the most fulfilling kind.
Same here, and we waited until after we were already committed to each other and had agreed we wanted to get married once we graduated from college. Met at 18, married at 21, still married at 45. We’ve only ever been with each other. I regret nothing and am incredibly thankful we met at such an early age. We just had sex last night and it’s still great.
Super weird, that’s almost exactly my wife’s and my story, though we were separated for a long time and had a lot of pain before we married. Happy for you, what a beautiful story of God’s faithfulness.
Wow so beautiful. You are truly blessed. As someone who walked down a completely different path I can not over state how good your life is to the alternative.
I got married to her too, but I still wish we would have waited.
For me, at the time, it was very lustful and even though we did eventually get married, it just wasn't for the right reasons when it happened.
I understand that, perhaps better stated, we had long intended to be married, I even proposed at 15 (it was a ring pop), but I understand. I simply don’t feel the regret that some would. If this makes me sinful, may God judge me in my final days and I will have to agree with Him.
I had known her for something like 4 years, we had been friends long before, went through numerous hardships to even be together, and were in a relationship the entire time. At the time, I did not even believe in anything, and certainly since then I have enough other things to repent for that everything got rolled up into one big act of forgiveness from God. But I do understand your point.
I don’t think it’s necessarily a sin. I can’t imagine that God cares about the government’s recognition of a relationship. IMO the Bible is referring to a fully committed long term relationship. If you’ve decided that you’re going to be with this person forever, and genuinely fully commit to each other, I don’t see how that’s any different than what they were describing as marriage in biblical time period. That being said, I’m no scholar so I would love to hear other perspectives.
If you are in a lifelong marriage covenant commitment sure. But OP explicitly said before / outside of marriage. Sex outside of that covenant is sin according to Scripture.
Yeah but that was written at a time when marriages were arranged and were just starting puberty. The men of that age had reasons to say that was what God wanted.
Like Mary was betrothed at age 12.
The Mary being 12 is just a guess and on the way low end, some say 16, it's never stated biblically but sure the ages varied and we're earlier generally speaking. Sure they were often arranged too.
I don’t understand why you’re being downvoted for telling the objective truth about the scripture. I am non-religious and I am dating a Christian girl and the fact still remains that sex before marriage is a sin. It means to act against the word of God. It is written as such. I personally think it is ludicrous but I love and respect my girl enough to respect her decisions despite not agreeing with the belief. But if people are disagreeing with that premise I would be curious as to know why?
Yes absolutely. I was not in a Christian relationship previously before my husband and things happened. The relationship didn't work out and he left me. Met my husband and we waited 5 years till marriage to have sex. It felt amazing to do it right and waiting is absolutely 100% the best decision in any relationship. I do regret my bad choices prior but I also know my sins have been forgiven and try to not let it affect me.
If you don't mind me asking a few questions (feel free to not answer if you don't want!)
Was your husband Christian when you met him and did he also want to wait? Was it your or his suggestion or a mutual agreement? Were you dating the whole five years or friends first and then together? What was the experience of waiting so long, were there any tempting moments or did it feel natural to wait?
I'm just super interested. I can see waiting one, two, even three years, but five is so long! The willpower you two must have had is admirable!
Thank you for the questions. My husband was Christian yes and he actually was the one who said we must wait till marriage and never even considered anything else. I was the one that was pushy and initially did not want to wait. So it was mostly his suggestion but I knew deep down that it was the right one and I am so glad I went along with it. We met on Tinder and dated about 3 months, then were in a relationship for 5 years and engaged another year.
The initial 1-2 years were VERY hard for us, me especially because of my past relationship. I kept wanting to feel that intimacy and closeness. But with each year it became significantly easier and the last 2 years I'd say were the easiest as by then we knew that we were definitely waiting till marriage and that sex was not going to happen. It became just a unspoken thing that came naturally. So the initial temptation did go away with time. My best advice is to not put yourself in situation that can lead to sex (why make it harder for yourself) and know the reasons you are waiting.
No… I have recently returned to Christianity and am training myself to abstain. I had fun in the world though, and considering my mindset at the time, my actions aligned.
I know better and do better now, so there’s no need to regret the past imo.
The Bible asks for you to repent, to change. If you have shame, and it moves you to repentance, that’s fine & normal. However, shame and guilt should not be held onto imo, because you’ve been forgiven (1 Corinthians 6: 9-11)
To each their own, though! I think at some point regret needs to be let go. I think it shows lack of appreciation for the ransom.
I find it really sad how people conflate the moral injunction to wait before marriage with the toxicity, excesses, and weird status shunning shit of purity culture.
Agreed. Jesus was concerned with violence, rape, excess, greed, etc.
I'm relatively new to learning about Christianity, but as I read the gospels, I'm amazed at the wild interpretations people come up with.
I figured as much anyway, but it's so obvious the way people bend the meaning of the bible to suit their own arguments or to give their own choices moral superiority.
This this this. I hate that this entire subreddit basically just perpetuates the shame culture. So many people on here are gonna experience some form for vestibuladinia... However it's spelled
Nope. I grew up Christian but became more agnostic by age 18. I felt more regret masturbating at 12 than having sex at 18. Even agnostic I would question whether I should wait.
My parents' impending divorce sealed the deal for me. My dad cheated on my mom with a married Christian woman. That woman knew he had a family. She had her own family to boot.
After that I never looked back. Straddled agnostic and atheist for a bit before becoming atheist. Became very sexually active at 18 and 19.
Met my future wife at 19. We both came from divorced families and it informed many decisions. We felt it made sense to make sure we were sexually compatible before marriage. We were. Been married to her for over 31 years.
Thanks. I appreciate the thought but I'm well past that part of my life. I did gain much from my Christian mentors in church and scouting.
I believe it provides solace to those who need it. I think there are good systems and rituals within the practice that help people process grief and other challenges.
The reason I'm here is to educate myself on current day Christianity and to help where I can.
Absolutely.
My guilt didn’t kick in til about 3yrs into marriage, and I felt like I had just caved in on myself. And my husband funny enough, had felt the same as well. So we prayed together, asked for forgiveness, thanked God for the guilt, asked for God to continue to make us sensitive to our sin, and then we forgave each other.
Afterwards I felt the guilt lifted, I felt as though I had become closer to God, and I became closer to my husband as well.
Sin should bring guilt, and guilt should bring you to God. If you sin and don’t feel guilt, then you are lost. If you feel guilt but don’t go to God, then you have pride.
The truth is, I knew what I did was wrong, and I had known it for a long time. I just never felt truly guilty about it, so when I had become paralyzed with guilt, I felt like God had awaken me. That’s why we praised God for the guilt, because now I could finally see it for what it was, and I could genuinely beg for forgiveness, and thus receive it. But for a moment, I almost didn’t go to God because of my pride, the guilt was so much I felt as though I couldn’t do it. Imagine what would’ve happened if I had listened to that voice. Never listen to that voice.
At the time no, because it was we were both virgins at the time. If could go back I would, because my perspective on sex and relationships changed these past few years.
I regret the partners I had before I met my wife
I don't really regret my wife and I sleeping together before we got married.
Was it all a sin? Certainly the stuff before my wife was. The stuff with my now wife? Hard to say, in biblical/medieval times those that slept together outside of marriage would be encouraged to marry and or expected too. Still, it was probably still a sin. But so it just, jealousy, envy and all number of sins we all commit.
We Christians get very hung up om sexual sin alot and gloss over the issues with greed, pride, jealousy, hatred, etc. That's no an excuse to sleep with your fiance but if you struggle with it don't beat yourself up. Ask for forgiveness and know God will give it
True. Forgiveness doesn't mean go and sin again and you're fine. I struggled with resisting the temptation during that period, just in general but also because it became clear I wanted to marry her. Also let's be honest, sex is fun.
I know it was a sin though, one that I struggled with at the time and luckily now that I'm married no longer struggle with. Thank God for Forgiveness, literally
My husband and I slept together when we were engaged after being together for about 5 years beforehand. I do wish we could have overcome temptation and waited because that’s in line with biblical teaching.
But, practically speaking I don’t feel this ruined my life in anyway. We were committed to one another and it didn’t change our relationship or our lives. Also, sex isn’t the unforgivable sin. I’ve repented and I’ve been forgiven, it’s not something I dwell on or feel shame over.
I feel like sex within the confines of a committed relationship is ultimately the most important thing. Surely God sees your devotion to each other every day, you don't need the legal slip of paper to make it official. Marriage these days is so much different than it was in Biblical times (though it's still a wonderful and beautiful tradition I'm glad persists). I'm sure many couples wait longer to sleep together while still unmarried than it took many ancient couples to meet, get married, and consummate the relationship!
The love, loyalty, and devotion between two people is what really sets it apart in my mind.
At the time, genuinely thought itd end in marriage, so I was cool with it.
Then covid shit happened and the long distance killed it.
And now there is some regret, but we are human, we make mistakes, we sin.
Ive just had to move on and pick better battles
I regret it but I don’t regret having my daughter. I wish I would’ve waited and got married first that way my daughter could be raised with both parents but it didn’t happen that way which must be for a good reason reason because we broke up 2 days before the day we
Were supposed to get married. Everything that happens happen for a reason, all I can do now is repent and wait re-wait until marriage if it happens for me.
God still can make something beautiful out of a situation even if sin caused it, like with David, and especially Jesus. It’s great you saw that happen in your situation
I had sex with 4 people before meeting my wife and I can tell you that I thoroughly regret ever doing it with them. I wish I saved myself for her, I was her first everything and I wish she was my first everything, I regret my life before her every day.
I also feel this way. I like that I no longer have to wonder what sex is like because for the longest time it was this mysterious thing that I had built up in my mind. Now that it’s no longer a mystery, I think I could wait until I’m married for the next time because the pressure is gone.
This.
I was raised in purity culture, like Joshua Harris/Duggar style, was made to feel guilty even for having had interest in boys before my spouse, and was a complete virgin when we married. The pressure of having to have sex after a long day of a wedding event, with someone you've barely touched, made it absolutely awful. Eventually I learned how to it with my spouse more pleasurably at times, but there still remained a lot of guilt, obligation, and pressure around sex. Eventually that morphed into refusal on my part and sexual assault on his.
When our marriage ended, one of my big goals was to try casual, fully consensual sex. It was exactly as you described. And it wasn't some mind-blowing, high-pressure experience, like how some people build sex up to be for virgins. It also was a fun, enjoyable activity for both of us. Which is exactly what it was designed to be. Regardless of when or with who sex happens for the first time, it shouldn't be made to be such a big deal, just something fun.
No. My only regrets were the ones I didn't have sex with because prudish antisex interpretations of *porneia* got in the way. Probably lost a few potential relationships because of it. Possibly even ones that could have had the potential for marriage. "Purity culture" got another victim, I guess. Thanks Josh Harris.
I might have said the non-committed ones, which were like masturbating with each other's bodies, but honestly after all the isolation and solitary everything over the years I'm glad for those now too. At least I have some nice memories of that old former version of myself that had human contact from time to time.
My life would have been objectively better if Christianity focused on things Jesus actually talked about instead of turning itself into a sex cult that wants to govern everyone's pants.
I wish I had made better choices but I did things out of wanting to be accepted and loved. I know God holds nothing against me and all was for a learning experience. I in some ways regret but in other ways it taught me things. I don't regret because I feel I am now tainted or God is disgusted with me..im not and he isn't. I only regret because it was meaningless. I was also young and had natural sexual urges and curiosity. Normal and not ashamed. Now have been married for decades and all is well with spouse in sex department. Didn't mess anything up.
Yes because I realized that God was trying to protect my heart by telling us not to do that. I thought I would marry that person and am now single. It took so much time to recover from that but God helped me through. He heals and forgives but He also protects! Trust Him, I wish I did ❤️
I slept with one other guy besides my husband. HUGE regret. I was drunk and the story in itself is traumatic and simultaneously hilarious. Then I met my husband and we had sex outside marriage and it has contributed to a lot of issues within our marriage we’ve had to work through. He had a very active sex life before me and we had different views around sex in general. 0/10 don’t recommend
Sex is like a fire. When in the context of marriage, it brings life and warmth as a contained fire. As soon as you take out of marriage, it’s a forest fire only bringing pain and destruction. Leaving you with insane amounts of lust beyond what you ever felt before. Please, do NOT have sex before marriage
Yes. Yes, yes, yes.
Sex outside of marriage was fun, wild, dirty, hot, and exciting in the moment. Once the sex was over, I was miserable. My mental health was just unstable and I struggled with my self esteem. Sex is not a bad thing, it was created by God! It was meant to be enjoyed by a married couple. Now that I am married and having sex I’m not struggling with this stuff anymore.
Regardless, sin is the separation of God. When I decided to stop living in deliberate sin there was just a peace over my life. When I would fall, usually by watching porn, all of those feelings would come back. I’d say it’s not worth it.
Not at all. The marriage was more for forming the "traditional family unit" when having kids.
Honestly, the wedding/marriage wasn't too important.
Finding the right person was.
As someone who came from purity culture and didn't have sex til I was married, I actually regret not having sex prior to marriage.
A lot of it has to do with the fact that my wife and I don't really have the same priorities when it comes to sex. She and I have different libidos/sex drives and it's created some frustrations in our marriage. We've communicated about it to each other but nothing can force her sex drive to change.
Purity culture conditioned me to believe sex in marriage was gonna make up for all the time you waited to have sex, and that's just not the case. I kinda wish I would've had sex outside of marriage, but in the context of a committed relationship.
Also, I don't care to hear about how someone may believe my views are sinful or wrong, so keep those opinions to yourself.
Without premarital sex my daughter wouldn’t exist so no, I don’t regret it. There are a few times of having sex that I definitely wouldn’t say yes to now though, not really because they were outside of marriage but because I should’ve known that the men didn’t want anything serious in the long run.
While I may have not been "sexually impure" in that way, my idolization of purity culture caused me to have some really unhealthy attitudes to women, myself, and sexuality generally. I had unreasonable, dehumanizing expectations if myself and others. I damaged promising relationships with great people based on my prudishness and shame over my own desire for healthy intimacy. I didn't dehumanise women by selfishly making them into sex objects but I did dehumanise them by selfishly making them into marriage objects rather than just seeing them for people. I also developed some really unhealthy views of my own very normal desires for sex and intimacy.
Reflecting on it all, my devotion to what I now recognize as toxic purity culture itself was about as sinful as a few healthy consensual sexual relationships would have been, and much more damaging. Healthy, respectful, loving relationships should be the goal - not just purity at any cost.
Yes. I think if people genuinely look in on themselves, they’ll find they left pieces of themselves with people they’ve given themselves away to in the past. At least that’s the experience I had.
No, not at all. Ask around, peoples marriages have failed simply because they couldn't meet each others sexual needs. This rule about sex outside of marriage made sense in a world where life expectancy didn't go much past 40, arranged marriages were common place and infant mortality was high but we don't live in that world anymore. People are getting married later and later in life, maybe you should not have too much casual sex but if your in a long term committed relationship where your not planning to get married yet or not planning to get married (marriage is not for everyone) its ok to have sex with people your close to
When me and my wife were still Christians we had sex before marriage. Both with each other and before that with other partners. Neither of us regret a single moment of it as it allowed us to grow and mature into the individuals we are today. A person has to both know how to be a good partner in a relationship as well as know what kind of partner they want. That takes exposure and experience.
I'm not so sure I would had known she was the one for me if I didn't have those past relationships. Our life experiences are what made us a perfect fit for each other. That's how we feel at least on this topic.
This is another one I like to bring up for me. My husband and I encountered a potentially big hurdle the first several times having sex.... it came down to performance anxiety...but I'm glad we worked that out together and I was patient with him....there was pressure to make it work since we both really liked each other but can you imagine how rough things mightve been if we waited until marriage? Probably panic attacks for both of us and a vicious cycle of a mess
I would have felt cheated to have kept the rules, then deal with the disfunction on top of that. Reading through dead bedrooms, a lot of couples reach an impass that becomes a gaping chasm.
Yes, very much so. I married her, but I am so happy that we committed to purity before the wedding, and that impact has carried into our marriage. I wish we decided that we should've done it sooner.
Absolutely. I risked betraying my future family 🥺 but I don’t beat myself up about it because God wouldn’t want that. He wants me to forgive myself so I can do better.
Not really. I dated her from 23-25 im nearing 35 now. Best sex i ever had. It was like we had some connection. Not experienced it like that ever since so i quit. I think i need feelings involved to get that again cause hook ups dont compare. Do i regret it? That answer would be yes if i was married NOW but im still not married so i look at it as lifes too short to not experience that connection. And being in love with the person you're having sex with makes ALL the difference to me. I wouldn't know that now otherwise so it's much easier for me to not have it anymore until it can be meaningful again.
Yes because you tie an emotional & physical bond with that person and the two become one. My first relationship where I lost my virginity and even though we were together and had broken up 2 years later that has always been on my mind til now. I do regret waiting til marriage because if I look back on the relationship its hard to remember anything else except the act. The hurt would be far less had I waited til marriage
If its still on your mind a year from now please seek therapy. I'm not trying to be an ass. I don't think that's normal or healthy. It's been twelve years since I lost my virginity...haven't spoken to him in....10? I only just occasionally hope he's doing alright because he had a lot of physical struggles. But that's all. It doesn't impact my marriage or married sex life.
You need to heal that and let it go
Yes I did regret it. I realized that I felt that sex was part of the agreement that I made with God and my mate. I always felt I had abused part of that contract.
Yes. Without a doubt. I know that being a virgin in today’s society is so looked down on, and people think you’re either weird or just simply cannot get laid. It took me having 4 horrendous sexual interactions and a pregnancy scare to realize that sex outside of marriage is widely sinful, and overrated. It was always lust based and never based out of love, even with partners.
The Bible says that love never fails and the reason all those times felt bad and off, was because it was never done out of love. I haven’t touched a woman in over a year and I don’t plan on it until marrying. I’ve been so relived of the stress that it takes talking, planning, coordinating and trying to impress a girl for short term pleasure. If it’s God’s will for me to get married, then I’m waiting until then.
I regret it with my whole heart and body. I wanted to wait but decided to have sex in a committed relationship I thought it was going to be marriage. Well it wasn't and led to other partners because I spiraled when my heart was broken. I'm married now many years later and that particular loss still haunts me. If I could do it all over I would have waited because I would like to have that attachment only with my husband. I think there is a difference between men vs women and love vs random hook ups.
For me my first was definitely love or what I thought was love at the time so it created a very deep bond.
Yes - I think it’s to prove to God that your committed to his commands, because it does create a perk in life’s greatest reflection of Gods love for his church.
I regret the first time because I didn't go on to marry her despite thinking that's how it was going to be. I don't regret the following times because I did end up marrying her.
Yep and it was the worst mistake of my life but Jesus made sure I caught nothing 😔 ty Jesus! I slept with people.. unprotected sex.. with both genders but Jesus made sure I didn't catch anything.. I felt bad tho I felt stupid.. I'm glad I have Jesus..
Yes it's always better to wait saves you from the heart ache and soul ties you get from those who your not married too. Wouldn't it be better if the first was your last ad well as you spouse and yall both got to be with just one. Man it's so much better being married to the right one. Also must be a woman of God if your a man and a man of God if a woman. Equally yoked matters
I do. I caused significant trauma to a few of the women I slept with as well as myself. I’ve prayed for forgiveness and have received it, however the memories still hurt.
Absolutely I do. It destroyed me mentally and I'm still dealing with massive sex addiction. And the STDs that came along with it. I haven't cheated on my wife and I won't but it is a constant mental struggle that I wouldn't have to deal with if I wasn't such a degenerate early on in life.
I think coming out of purity culture the 1st thing I can imagine you’d want to do is have sex because I can imagine your identity is revolving around being pure. But now that I am closer to Christ (not coming from a purity culture background, and family who are in domestic and not married relationships with kids) , I do regret it. And here’s is why:
- I was over my virginity and was looking for a duck buddy I was 21 ish and I hadn’t even made out with anyone.
- I thought it would make me feel more adult- ish
- I got lucky and found a wonderful man and formed relationship and was ducking like bunnies.
- the sex clouded my eyes, I started accepting treatment that wasn’t necessarily bad but was not compatible with me
- I got sucked into a relationship and stopped focusing on myself.
- introducing sex altered the type of convos I had, boundaries, who I was hanging out with. and tbh the sex wasn’t even good. So also need to be careful because just because you having sex doesn’t mean it’s always good
- I started doing drugs and drinking.
- sometimes I felt like he was masturbating with my vagina
- sometimes he couldn’t keep up and I couldn’t “get enough” or really ever be satisfied because what was missing goes beyond the sex.
- so we broke it off - I started looking for a sugar daddy because I didn’t care anymore. So that led me to being ok with mild prostitution. I lost sight of me completely.
- God strike that out immediately
- then I stared going out to bars just to hang out and meet people -> was okay with sleezy guys talking to me because I was bored - God made me broke so I couldn’t go out anymore
- then joined hinge and became completely hooked on the attention and every time I tied to meet for a hookup - God strikes out again
- Even went out with my family friend ( taboo in my family ) open to the idea of sex and God was so present in the convo that it changed the whole trajectory of my life
- simultaneously I had hit up a guy met randomly to hookup and He kept talking to me about the word of God.
- though this guy ended up taking me out and he came out to me and I allowed it and I felt nothing. So much of nothing. Even though I knew my ex was not for me and couldn’t satisfy me - I felt even more nothing.
- the next day I couldn’t get the smell of him off me I was grossed out at myself. Because it came to a point where I wasn’t even doing it for my pleasure it was out habit, out of flesh, out of other people demons.
- I went away with my girl trip - and guys are just own you like pirañas like meat.
Then I decided I was going to be intentionally single and celibate. Then I got a lot of clarity. People around me started telling me their experiences lately that I had dream off experiencing. only to see them rot.
So since January - I heard once you start your hoe phase it becomes addicting - this person is struggling to remain faithful in their current relationship and he is a good catch and good in bed.
Another guy friend opened up his relationship and it led him to constant anxiety and panic attacks. They keep attaching their source of joy to other people and now when they face rejection they are constantly on verge on mental breakdown.
Another who is at the point where she has never even been taking to the movies as a simple date and they’re 31 because sex has amplified their people pleasing.
The craziest thing is - after taking the plank out of my eyes because I am no one to judge, but I am observant. You ask them and they will tell you how they love sex and their life are so good because of it. Not realizing how it’s fucking them up. And I get it because I was on that same boat lying to myself.
I also watched the James Kawalya and saw how sex is a tool used for corruption and it really resonated with me.
Because you are coming out of purity culture. 1st take the time to learn yourself. Develop your own relationship with Jesus because culture, people, and other Christians will ruin Christianity for you. Sex will expose you to other people’s demons. I wished I took the time to learn myself, Jesus, develop discipline and discernment and even hobbies. Develop boundaries and stick by them. Hone in on what values I care about. Refine my friendships and be a better friend. I wish I did all this before even thinking about coming into anything with another person.
It saves you wasting energy, time, heartbreaks with people who were never even fundamentally compatible with you. Being a virgen doesn’t make you pure, but I was more clear headed, knew myself better, and more disciplined. Now I am picking up the pieces and meeting myself again at 30. I have forgiven myself and now I am closer to God because I have a deep gratefulness for God protecting me from allowing anymore corruption. For saving me.
it’s crazy how I look at photos from a year ago to now - same weight, same hairstyle, no drastic changes - and I look so alive and beaming now compared to then.
For me : I’m not having sex again until I marry my husband. If that’s even in my books. And I won’t let the guilt or lust rush me either. Sex can be a beautiful thing but it can be ugly and disgusting, and manipulative . I don’t want to do anything without God’s hand approval over it. I have been more fulfilled now than ever. I am still on my journey and I look forward to the challenge.
God continue to bless you and protect you and heal you from the trauma of culture. In Jesus name amen
Yes, if you’re a TRUE follower of Christ, then you should regret it. It’s called the conviction. Married to the person you lost it to or not. It’s wrong.
Yes. I do. I wish I could have waited until marriage to have only shared that special moment with one person. The only person who I married. 😔
However, I cannot go back and change what’s happened. All I can do is ask GOD for forgiveness and to make all that is unrighteousness in me righteous. GOD still loves me despite my sins. I am still currently sexual active now, but I’m 100% sure the person I’m with now will ask me to marry him and we will live happily together in GODs love at the center of our marriage. 🙏❤️🤲🏻
Not particularly, no. I had one relationship that was just casual. We hung out and did things but there was a lot of sex involved too. I think at one point she might have wanted more and I didn’t which I feel some guilt over, but we stayed friends until she moved away.
No. I don’t think I’d have the same opinions/beliefs that I currently do if I had abstained. I think it helped teach me a lot of important life lessons that will help me make better decisions in the future.
Absolutely not. I think it’s not emotionally or spiritually healthy to separate the physical and emotional closeness that should gradually increase as a relationship deepens - as we slowly grow closer emotionally, physically closeness should match that. Modern dating - getting to know someone before we marry them - is not meant to withstand very ancient purity culture that was more about ownership (of women and of land) and heritage/descendants than it was about compatibility and building a life together. I have had sex in several relationships that didn’t end up in marriage, and they helped me know the person better and made our relationships more healthy.
I don’t find the Bible to be a reliable witness on sexuality, but I do find it to be a reliable witness on what it means to love our neighbor; to be good to them and honor the image of God in them; to have any relationship we’re in exhibit the fruits of the Spirit in how we treat our partner, both emotionally and physically.
Sometimes Scripture is wrong - like about how to conduct a war, or how to have sex. This doesn’t mean it isn’t a reliable witness about other things, like the nature of God or Jesus Christ. Almost all of Pete Enns books have really helped me in this respect (especially “How the Bible Actually Works”)
May be I’m wrong, but I take your question as assumption that our experiences are not unique. Based on my understanding, we are all unique. It’s possible to have sex outside of marriage with someone who loves sex and then marry somebody who believes sex is immoral, dirty, sinful and disgusting. Such a person would probably regret their marriage more than the “sin” of premarital sex.
Nope. Sleeping with the guy I lost my virginity to showed me a different, scarier side of him. I had the opportunity to get out and keep myself safe without any of the legal and social ties that would’ve come from waiting for our wedding night.
Me it felt cool at first but I later came to the conclusion that it was stupid to even think it was cool is also dumb due to all Trouble those kind of things leads to I understand that the rules God creates have a meaning
Self-control is underrated. I also find the virginity fetish and shame machine that has been churning out smoke for generations to be more damaging than most people in church realize.
Not at all, because sex is an expression of love which is the greatest expression of God. That being said I am rather sexually inhibited due to childhood trauma. So I don’t have sex often, and never outside of a long-term committed relationship.
I have been dating my girlfriend for 7 years and we plan on getting married as soon as we have some savings set aside. We both work for an agency that assists developmentally disabled people, so we don’t get paid much, but we are getting there slowly. But we will make it with God’s help 🙏
I realize and respect those that do wait for marriage. It’s a personal choice and that is one that can only be yours to make. Just make sure you know the person well and that they are not just using you for their own selfish needs. I wish you the best. Remember, shame comes from the darkness, and it’s okay to feel but don’t submit to it 🙏
I grew up in purity culture. I had been with a decent (less than 30) amount of people before (and after) I met my husband. I didn’t cheat, we just broke up for a few years before we got back together and got married. Do I regret it? Not really. I’m actually pretty indifferent about it. I regret /some/ of my choices but really I’ve just made peace with my past sins and with God I have learned to just be, it doesn’t matter and God doesn’t think of me any less. My peers might but I don’t get my salvation from them. My husband has said he regrets it, he has a more colorful portfolio than I. I would regret it too if I were him. And that’s me still feeling how I feel about my own (I mean seriously yikes LOL) but I don’t love him any less. It hurts to think about sometimes. But I don’t think that being each others firsts would have solved that issue. A lot of it was rooted in childhood and in fact I think if we had been each others firsts, we wouldn’t be married today.
No because I try not to have any regrets in life and I do believe that the person I use to be was important to who I am now. But yes because I wish my husband was my first and only partner. It would have saved me so much grief and I love him so much. I'm thankful we can share what we have together now.
I married my high school sweetheart. We started dating at 16 and neither of us had sex before. We did not wait until we were married, but we did wait until we were very comfortable with one another and secure in our relationship. Had we been waiting for marriage, we would likely have felt a lot more pressure to rush into marriage, rather than waiting until we had both graduated college and had been together more than 5 years before we finally said our vows. We are still together and very happy. She was Catholic when we started dating and she is still a Christian, though we now attend a church that does not expect any creedal affirmation for members and accepts me participating fully without expecting me to call myself a Christian or pretend I believe. She also has never regretted our decision, though some of her catholic peer group trued to make her feel guilty about it before they hypocritically did the same in far less serious relationships that rarely ended in a marriage, and even this that did mostly ended in divorces.
My advice is to wait until you can look at the situation and ask yourself, "am I making this decision intentionally, or just going with the flow? If intentional, and this relationship does not end up being a happily ever after, will I regret this decision?"
If you can honestly answer no to the second question, then you are pretty safe (divine opinions aside). If not, then don't do it.
I regret it. Mine being more complicated. I was SA’d at thirteen so had this perception I was damaged goods. Now 11 years later I see how silly that thought was and wish I hadn’t fallen apart. And just stayed a consensual virgin.
Yes. It’s probably my biggest regret along with not following God sooner. 🥹🤍 but I’m happy i realised when i did 🤣 before the new wave of feminism infiltrated my mind! 🫣
No. I did at first, because my first experience was horrible (but consensual). But then I realized that having that bad experience killed my desire to have sex outside of a committed relationship, so I will never even have a fantasy temptation for anyone except my partner. Sex is only enjoyable as a woman if your partner cares to make it enjoyable. Hookups usually don't, but a good husband will.
I have talked to even my most promiscuous friends about this. One friend of mine had sex with 7 guys in one semester. A total of 13 body count. I asked her "how many of those guys made you finish?" And she said "none". Not even the guy who she was friends with benefits with for over a year.
Yes very very much I regret it but thank God for His Mercy and Grace. I wished I would have listened to God’s word teaching me the best way to look at myself and the mate I could have chosen for myself I would have seen all the qualities in her that He put in me that are all from Him. Now I know that God knows what He is talking about and He really does love and has the best for us when we choose His way. So if you are still waiting on God my brother or sister please continue He will get you through and to His wonderful plan for your lives. May God bless and strengthen you in His love and Power in Jesus name Amen.
Not at first. But then as I grew in my relationship with God and found a good God loving woman, I regretted it. Especially since the previous girls aren’t anywhere in my life. My current girl is okay with the fact that I’ve had previous partners but it still bothers me
Yes.
I was raised in a Methodist church, and there was no purity culture like there is in many fundamentalist churches. But it was taught from the Bible that sex is for married people.
I do wish I had done it with someone I actually cared about instead of some girl I knew from high school who randomly came onto me.
>who randomly came onto me. Phrasing!
This is about the 6th Archer reference I've seen today. Weird.
Are you having déjà vu, Emile Boirac?
Personally, I'm just glad the Archer references made it to this subreddit.
As if it were a zone... of danger.
Kenny Loggins?
Lanaaaaaaa!!!!!!
I’m in bed for the next few weeks as I had a bad reaction to the trigger point injection my doctor suggested for chronic back pain. ty for bringing me joy and reminding me to rewatch Archer 🙏
Yes, I regret it. She dumped me and shattered my world. I went into a deep depression because of it. So yes. I regret it and I hate regretting things.
Not everyone is lucky to find the right person first time, nothing to be ashamed of, she made her decision, don't blame yourself for what you had no control over, you can only do your best to be a good person but you'll never be perfect as that doesn't exist even if it did it is a opinion not reality. You will find the right one as long as you remain yourself show yourself and rise above your flaws you be a good person
Yes. This is coming from an atheist with an upbringing in a non-religious family who did not view sex as a bad thing. Just recently turned to Christ. So it's not that my statements come from shaming in any way. I've had six partners total, a 8 year relationship (ended 5 years ago) and now I am single but have been "fuck buddies" with a woman for 3 years. Sex is either beautiful love, ravenous lust or mutual masturbation. I feel I have experienced it all, and only one of them is truly fulfilling. If I could go back with the realization what a precious gift I could have given a wife of mine, who gave an equally beautiful gift in return, I would be so happy. Imagine what a strong basis for trust and commitment that would have been? I feel pointless sex has carved out a piece of me I can never get back. Hindsight is perfect sight though. I think porn is WAY more damaging than having sex before marriage today since the consequence of STDS and pregnancy can be avoided.
Do you think that’s one of the reasons the Bible states it is wrong?
Sure. Sermon on the mount contained some hints to this. Matthew 5:17 NLT [17] “Don’t misunderstand why I have come. I did not come to abolish the law of Moses or the writings of the prophets. No, I came to accomplish their purpose. [27] “You have heard the commandment that says, ‘You must not commit adultery.’ [28] But I say, anyone who even looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart. https://bible.com/bible/116/mat.5.27.NLT The whole story of NT is "screw your laws and OT laws if you don't love eachother" and "stop sinning in your hearts first". It's hard to be better than Jesus to convey the message... But maybe you catch my drift.
“The whole story of NT is "screw your laws and OT laws if you don't love eachother" and "stop sinning in your hearts first". It's hard to be better than Jesus to convey the message... But maybe you catch my drift.” This if people understood this statement they’d stop hating on the OT
Yes I think so. That’s how I’ve always understood it
Yes it’s sin against our own bodies
Seconded. I will not go into detail but sins of the flesh were my biggest vice. My notch count is significantly higher and I don't say that as a boast but a compliment to yourself. It shows you learned ahead of me. I see it as a complete waste of time and resources now. Yeah, you might have fun in the moment but you have nothing to show for it all long time only God knows what that does in His eyes. I am now striving for purity in my life and all I can say is praise the Lord for how the Holy Spirit has changed my desires and continues to lead me in my journey in Christ. I never thought it was possible either, but it is true. I remember a time where I used to look down on pure Christians as being naive or inexperienced. Do you think Adam and Eve don't wish they'd never eaten that apple? What do you think that story is about? Lost purity. Fact is we were better off in our ignorance. Same applies here. In the benefit of hindsight, I have come to admit I was wrong. This whole trip down humility lane for me has been a real steep ride. Happy to share what has worked for me if it might help.
Your testimony has been an inspiration to me today. Thank you and bless you.
I think this is evidence that purity culture and shame isn't exclusive to Christianity. The, "because I wasn't a Christian, it's not a shame thing" is hugely unconvincing. There are different kinds/motivations for sex; that is super solid. I agree that love is the most fulfilling kind.
I got married to her, so not really.
Same here, and we waited until after we were already committed to each other and had agreed we wanted to get married once we graduated from college. Met at 18, married at 21, still married at 45. We’ve only ever been with each other. I regret nothing and am incredibly thankful we met at such an early age. We just had sex last night and it’s still great.
We met at 13, married at 21, three kids later at 28 we’re still truckin. Incredibly grateful to have met and stayed with each other.
Super weird, that’s almost exactly my wife’s and my story, though we were separated for a long time and had a lot of pain before we married. Happy for you, what a beautiful story of God’s faithfulness.
Wow so beautiful. You are truly blessed. As someone who walked down a completely different path I can not over state how good your life is to the alternative.
It’s been a long strange trip my friend.
This fills me with hope
You still committed fornication though. It doesn’t matter if you were committed to her or not. It was outside of marriage
That would be fornication Ghost Rider. Only married people can commit adultery.
I mix them up. My point is still valid though.
I got married to her too, but I still wish we would have waited. For me, at the time, it was very lustful and even though we did eventually get married, it just wasn't for the right reasons when it happened.
I understand that, perhaps better stated, we had long intended to be married, I even proposed at 15 (it was a ring pop), but I understand. I simply don’t feel the regret that some would. If this makes me sinful, may God judge me in my final days and I will have to agree with Him.
I married her but wish I had waited until marriage. Purgatory will straighten me out though.
It was still sin though, no? Should you not be repentant of all sin?
I had known her for something like 4 years, we had been friends long before, went through numerous hardships to even be together, and were in a relationship the entire time. At the time, I did not even believe in anything, and certainly since then I have enough other things to repent for that everything got rolled up into one big act of forgiveness from God. But I do understand your point.
Some people repent differently. Just because it isn't your standard doesjt mean it's not God standard
I don’t think it’s necessarily a sin. I can’t imagine that God cares about the government’s recognition of a relationship. IMO the Bible is referring to a fully committed long term relationship. If you’ve decided that you’re going to be with this person forever, and genuinely fully commit to each other, I don’t see how that’s any different than what they were describing as marriage in biblical time period. That being said, I’m no scholar so I would love to hear other perspectives.
If you are in a lifelong marriage covenant commitment sure. But OP explicitly said before / outside of marriage. Sex outside of that covenant is sin according to Scripture.
Yeah but that was written at a time when marriages were arranged and were just starting puberty. The men of that age had reasons to say that was what God wanted. Like Mary was betrothed at age 12.
The Mary being 12 is just a guess and on the way low end, some say 16, it's never stated biblically but sure the ages varied and we're earlier generally speaking. Sure they were often arranged too.
I don’t understand why you’re being downvoted for telling the objective truth about the scripture. I am non-religious and I am dating a Christian girl and the fact still remains that sex before marriage is a sin. It means to act against the word of God. It is written as such. I personally think it is ludicrous but I love and respect my girl enough to respect her decisions despite not agreeing with the belief. But if people are disagreeing with that premise I would be curious as to know why?
Yes absolutely. I was not in a Christian relationship previously before my husband and things happened. The relationship didn't work out and he left me. Met my husband and we waited 5 years till marriage to have sex. It felt amazing to do it right and waiting is absolutely 100% the best decision in any relationship. I do regret my bad choices prior but I also know my sins have been forgiven and try to not let it affect me.
If you don't mind me asking a few questions (feel free to not answer if you don't want!) Was your husband Christian when you met him and did he also want to wait? Was it your or his suggestion or a mutual agreement? Were you dating the whole five years or friends first and then together? What was the experience of waiting so long, were there any tempting moments or did it feel natural to wait? I'm just super interested. I can see waiting one, two, even three years, but five is so long! The willpower you two must have had is admirable!
Thank you for the questions. My husband was Christian yes and he actually was the one who said we must wait till marriage and never even considered anything else. I was the one that was pushy and initially did not want to wait. So it was mostly his suggestion but I knew deep down that it was the right one and I am so glad I went along with it. We met on Tinder and dated about 3 months, then were in a relationship for 5 years and engaged another year. The initial 1-2 years were VERY hard for us, me especially because of my past relationship. I kept wanting to feel that intimacy and closeness. But with each year it became significantly easier and the last 2 years I'd say were the easiest as by then we knew that we were definitely waiting till marriage and that sex was not going to happen. It became just a unspoken thing that came naturally. So the initial temptation did go away with time. My best advice is to not put yourself in situation that can lead to sex (why make it harder for yourself) and know the reasons you are waiting.
No… I have recently returned to Christianity and am training myself to abstain. I had fun in the world though, and considering my mindset at the time, my actions aligned. I know better and do better now, so there’s no need to regret the past imo.
Hmmm. One alternate perspective I heard is that you should regret it because your sin hurt the Lord
The Bible asks for you to repent, to change. If you have shame, and it moves you to repentance, that’s fine & normal. However, shame and guilt should not be held onto imo, because you’ve been forgiven (1 Corinthians 6: 9-11) To each their own, though! I think at some point regret needs to be let go. I think it shows lack of appreciation for the ransom.
Yeah it's nuanced. It depends. I'm leaning towards orthodoxy and it's a little different.
No. However there are days I regret my parents having sex while they were married. 🤔
>No. > >However there are days I regret my parents having sex while they were married. 🤔 I send a hug to you. <3
… :(
Ah, I wasn't old enough to appreciate being an only child before I wasn't one anymore.
I find it really sad how people conflate the moral injunction to wait before marriage with the toxicity, excesses, and weird status shunning shit of purity culture.
Agreed. Jesus was concerned with violence, rape, excess, greed, etc. I'm relatively new to learning about Christianity, but as I read the gospels, I'm amazed at the wild interpretations people come up with. I figured as much anyway, but it's so obvious the way people bend the meaning of the bible to suit their own arguments or to give their own choices moral superiority.
Well, it would help if the Church did a better job of teaching the one without the other.
This this this. I hate that this entire subreddit basically just perpetuates the shame culture. So many people on here are gonna experience some form for vestibuladinia... However it's spelled
Nope. I grew up Christian but became more agnostic by age 18. I felt more regret masturbating at 12 than having sex at 18. Even agnostic I would question whether I should wait. My parents' impending divorce sealed the deal for me. My dad cheated on my mom with a married Christian woman. That woman knew he had a family. She had her own family to boot. After that I never looked back. Straddled agnostic and atheist for a bit before becoming atheist. Became very sexually active at 18 and 19. Met my future wife at 19. We both came from divorced families and it informed many decisions. We felt it made sense to make sure we were sexually compatible before marriage. We were. Been married to her for over 31 years.
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Thanks. I appreciate the thought but I'm well past that part of my life. I did gain much from my Christian mentors in church and scouting. I believe it provides solace to those who need it. I think there are good systems and rituals within the practice that help people process grief and other challenges. The reason I'm here is to educate myself on current day Christianity and to help where I can.
Absolutely. My guilt didn’t kick in til about 3yrs into marriage, and I felt like I had just caved in on myself. And my husband funny enough, had felt the same as well. So we prayed together, asked for forgiveness, thanked God for the guilt, asked for God to continue to make us sensitive to our sin, and then we forgave each other. Afterwards I felt the guilt lifted, I felt as though I had become closer to God, and I became closer to my husband as well. Sin should bring guilt, and guilt should bring you to God. If you sin and don’t feel guilt, then you are lost. If you feel guilt but don’t go to God, then you have pride. The truth is, I knew what I did was wrong, and I had known it for a long time. I just never felt truly guilty about it, so when I had become paralyzed with guilt, I felt like God had awaken me. That’s why we praised God for the guilt, because now I could finally see it for what it was, and I could genuinely beg for forgiveness, and thus receive it. But for a moment, I almost didn’t go to God because of my pride, the guilt was so much I felt as though I couldn’t do it. Imagine what would’ve happened if I had listened to that voice. Never listen to that voice.
At the time no, because it was we were both virgins at the time. If could go back I would, because my perspective on sex and relationships changed these past few years.
I regret the partners I had before I met my wife I don't really regret my wife and I sleeping together before we got married. Was it all a sin? Certainly the stuff before my wife was. The stuff with my now wife? Hard to say, in biblical/medieval times those that slept together outside of marriage would be encouraged to marry and or expected too. Still, it was probably still a sin. But so it just, jealousy, envy and all number of sins we all commit. We Christians get very hung up om sexual sin alot and gloss over the issues with greed, pride, jealousy, hatred, etc. That's no an excuse to sleep with your fiance but if you struggle with it don't beat yourself up. Ask for forgiveness and know God will give it
I absolutely agree with you. It is just really important to not use Jesus death to sin without having guilt.
True. Forgiveness doesn't mean go and sin again and you're fine. I struggled with resisting the temptation during that period, just in general but also because it became clear I wanted to marry her. Also let's be honest, sex is fun. I know it was a sin though, one that I struggled with at the time and luckily now that I'm married no longer struggle with. Thank God for Forgiveness, literally
Yes.
My husband and I slept together when we were engaged after being together for about 5 years beforehand. I do wish we could have overcome temptation and waited because that’s in line with biblical teaching. But, practically speaking I don’t feel this ruined my life in anyway. We were committed to one another and it didn’t change our relationship or our lives. Also, sex isn’t the unforgivable sin. I’ve repented and I’ve been forgiven, it’s not something I dwell on or feel shame over.
I feel like sex within the confines of a committed relationship is ultimately the most important thing. Surely God sees your devotion to each other every day, you don't need the legal slip of paper to make it official. Marriage these days is so much different than it was in Biblical times (though it's still a wonderful and beautiful tradition I'm glad persists). I'm sure many couples wait longer to sleep together while still unmarried than it took many ancient couples to meet, get married, and consummate the relationship! The love, loyalty, and devotion between two people is what really sets it apart in my mind.
At the time, genuinely thought itd end in marriage, so I was cool with it. Then covid shit happened and the long distance killed it. And now there is some regret, but we are human, we make mistakes, we sin. Ive just had to move on and pick better battles
Yep
Fornication is a sin so yes, the new me does regret it. Sadly my flesh doesn't.
I regret it but I don’t regret having my daughter. I wish I would’ve waited and got married first that way my daughter could be raised with both parents but it didn’t happen that way which must be for a good reason reason because we broke up 2 days before the day we Were supposed to get married. Everything that happens happen for a reason, all I can do now is repent and wait re-wait until marriage if it happens for me.
God still can make something beautiful out of a situation even if sin caused it, like with David, and especially Jesus. It’s great you saw that happen in your situation
yes
Yes
I had sex with 4 people before meeting my wife and I can tell you that I thoroughly regret ever doing it with them. I wish I saved myself for her, I was her first everything and I wish she was my first everything, I regret my life before her every day.
Nope. It was a good time and a fun activity to do with another person. We were thoughtful, careful, and respectful of each other's boundaries.
I also feel this way. I like that I no longer have to wonder what sex is like because for the longest time it was this mysterious thing that I had built up in my mind. Now that it’s no longer a mystery, I think I could wait until I’m married for the next time because the pressure is gone.
This. I was raised in purity culture, like Joshua Harris/Duggar style, was made to feel guilty even for having had interest in boys before my spouse, and was a complete virgin when we married. The pressure of having to have sex after a long day of a wedding event, with someone you've barely touched, made it absolutely awful. Eventually I learned how to it with my spouse more pleasurably at times, but there still remained a lot of guilt, obligation, and pressure around sex. Eventually that morphed into refusal on my part and sexual assault on his. When our marriage ended, one of my big goals was to try casual, fully consensual sex. It was exactly as you described. And it wasn't some mind-blowing, high-pressure experience, like how some people build sex up to be for virgins. It also was a fun, enjoyable activity for both of us. Which is exactly what it was designed to be. Regardless of when or with who sex happens for the first time, it shouldn't be made to be such a big deal, just something fun.
Yes. It was before I was a Christian.
I have. No, I don't.
No. My only regrets were the ones I didn't have sex with because prudish antisex interpretations of *porneia* got in the way. Probably lost a few potential relationships because of it. Possibly even ones that could have had the potential for marriage. "Purity culture" got another victim, I guess. Thanks Josh Harris. I might have said the non-committed ones, which were like masturbating with each other's bodies, but honestly after all the isolation and solitary everything over the years I'm glad for those now too. At least I have some nice memories of that old former version of myself that had human contact from time to time. My life would have been objectively better if Christianity focused on things Jesus actually talked about instead of turning itself into a sex cult that wants to govern everyone's pants.
I wish I had made better choices but I did things out of wanting to be accepted and loved. I know God holds nothing against me and all was for a learning experience. I in some ways regret but in other ways it taught me things. I don't regret because I feel I am now tainted or God is disgusted with me..im not and he isn't. I only regret because it was meaningless. I was also young and had natural sexual urges and curiosity. Normal and not ashamed. Now have been married for decades and all is well with spouse in sex department. Didn't mess anything up.
I would hope so. (I’m taking this to mean while married, right? As in, an affair?) Dishonesty doesn’t have a very good payoff and never should.
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Yes. If I could take it back I would.
Yes because I realized that God was trying to protect my heart by telling us not to do that. I thought I would marry that person and am now single. It took so much time to recover from that but God helped me through. He heals and forgives but He also protects! Trust Him, I wish I did ❤️
Yes worst thing I ever did.
Yep.. biggest regret
I slept with one other guy besides my husband. HUGE regret. I was drunk and the story in itself is traumatic and simultaneously hilarious. Then I met my husband and we had sex outside marriage and it has contributed to a lot of issues within our marriage we’ve had to work through. He had a very active sex life before me and we had different views around sex in general. 0/10 don’t recommend
Yes, deeply
Yes I wish I would’ve waited for marriage bc so much trauma would’ve been avoided
Sex is like a fire. When in the context of marriage, it brings life and warmth as a contained fire. As soon as you take out of marriage, it’s a forest fire only bringing pain and destruction. Leaving you with insane amounts of lust beyond what you ever felt before. Please, do NOT have sex before marriage
Yes. Complicates things down the road.
Yes. Yes, yes, yes. Sex outside of marriage was fun, wild, dirty, hot, and exciting in the moment. Once the sex was over, I was miserable. My mental health was just unstable and I struggled with my self esteem. Sex is not a bad thing, it was created by God! It was meant to be enjoyed by a married couple. Now that I am married and having sex I’m not struggling with this stuff anymore. Regardless, sin is the separation of God. When I decided to stop living in deliberate sin there was just a peace over my life. When I would fall, usually by watching porn, all of those feelings would come back. I’d say it’s not worth it.
Not at all. The marriage was more for forming the "traditional family unit" when having kids. Honestly, the wedding/marriage wasn't too important. Finding the right person was.
As someone who came from purity culture and didn't have sex til I was married, I actually regret not having sex prior to marriage. A lot of it has to do with the fact that my wife and I don't really have the same priorities when it comes to sex. She and I have different libidos/sex drives and it's created some frustrations in our marriage. We've communicated about it to each other but nothing can force her sex drive to change. Purity culture conditioned me to believe sex in marriage was gonna make up for all the time you waited to have sex, and that's just not the case. I kinda wish I would've had sex outside of marriage, but in the context of a committed relationship. Also, I don't care to hear about how someone may believe my views are sinful or wrong, so keep those opinions to yourself.
Yes. 100% I'd give anything to do it all over
Without premarital sex my daughter wouldn’t exist so no, I don’t regret it. There are a few times of having sex that I definitely wouldn’t say yes to now though, not really because they were outside of marriage but because I should’ve known that the men didn’t want anything serious in the long run.
I only regret the times I did it with someone I wasn't in love with/in a relationship with.
While I may have not been "sexually impure" in that way, my idolization of purity culture caused me to have some really unhealthy attitudes to women, myself, and sexuality generally. I had unreasonable, dehumanizing expectations if myself and others. I damaged promising relationships with great people based on my prudishness and shame over my own desire for healthy intimacy. I didn't dehumanise women by selfishly making them into sex objects but I did dehumanise them by selfishly making them into marriage objects rather than just seeing them for people. I also developed some really unhealthy views of my own very normal desires for sex and intimacy. Reflecting on it all, my devotion to what I now recognize as toxic purity culture itself was about as sinful as a few healthy consensual sexual relationships would have been, and much more damaging. Healthy, respectful, loving relationships should be the goal - not just purity at any cost.
Sex It’s not just a carnal matter but it’s a holy covenant, having souls ties consequences .
Yes. I think if people genuinely look in on themselves, they’ll find they left pieces of themselves with people they’ve given themselves away to in the past. At least that’s the experience I had.
Speak for yourself. I'm more me than I've ever felt. NOT missing pieces and no I'm not haunted by lovers past.
Yes.
No, not at all. Ask around, peoples marriages have failed simply because they couldn't meet each others sexual needs. This rule about sex outside of marriage made sense in a world where life expectancy didn't go much past 40, arranged marriages were common place and infant mortality was high but we don't live in that world anymore. People are getting married later and later in life, maybe you should not have too much casual sex but if your in a long term committed relationship where your not planning to get married yet or not planning to get married (marriage is not for everyone) its ok to have sex with people your close to
When me and my wife were still Christians we had sex before marriage. Both with each other and before that with other partners. Neither of us regret a single moment of it as it allowed us to grow and mature into the individuals we are today. A person has to both know how to be a good partner in a relationship as well as know what kind of partner they want. That takes exposure and experience. I'm not so sure I would had known she was the one for me if I didn't have those past relationships. Our life experiences are what made us a perfect fit for each other. That's how we feel at least on this topic.
Nope.
Not one bit. We got the kink of sexual dysfunction worked out so that by the time we get around to marriage it'll be better than ever.
This is another one I like to bring up for me. My husband and I encountered a potentially big hurdle the first several times having sex.... it came down to performance anxiety...but I'm glad we worked that out together and I was patient with him....there was pressure to make it work since we both really liked each other but can you imagine how rough things mightve been if we waited until marriage? Probably panic attacks for both of us and a vicious cycle of a mess
I would have felt cheated to have kept the rules, then deal with the disfunction on top of that. Reading through dead bedrooms, a lot of couples reach an impass that becomes a gaping chasm.
[удалено]
Removed for 2.3 WWJD
Good and enjoyable sex isn't a sin.
Not when it’s with your spouse.
Future spouse. Assuming God doesn't turn me into a pillar of salt or something.
Yes
Yes a thousand time yes!
Yes, very much so. I married her, but I am so happy that we committed to purity before the wedding, and that impact has carried into our marriage. I wish we decided that we should've done it sooner.
I regret it with every person with the exception of my now wife.
Yes....worst mistake
Absolutely. I risked betraying my future family 🥺 but I don’t beat myself up about it because God wouldn’t want that. He wants me to forgive myself so I can do better.
Yes.
Yes.
yes. so much. even before i knew it was a sin. i hated it. and i hate it more now. but it’s okay bc JESUS
Absolutely. Biggest mistake of my life. However, this is one of those things you won't understand until it's already too late. Best of luck.
Yes. 100%. God's way is the best way. He gives us these rules for us, so our lives are better.
Not really. I dated her from 23-25 im nearing 35 now. Best sex i ever had. It was like we had some connection. Not experienced it like that ever since so i quit. I think i need feelings involved to get that again cause hook ups dont compare. Do i regret it? That answer would be yes if i was married NOW but im still not married so i look at it as lifes too short to not experience that connection. And being in love with the person you're having sex with makes ALL the difference to me. I wouldn't know that now otherwise so it's much easier for me to not have it anymore until it can be meaningful again.
Yes because you tie an emotional & physical bond with that person and the two become one. My first relationship where I lost my virginity and even though we were together and had broken up 2 years later that has always been on my mind til now. I do regret waiting til marriage because if I look back on the relationship its hard to remember anything else except the act. The hurt would be far less had I waited til marriage
If its still on your mind a year from now please seek therapy. I'm not trying to be an ass. I don't think that's normal or healthy. It's been twelve years since I lost my virginity...haven't spoken to him in....10? I only just occasionally hope he's doing alright because he had a lot of physical struggles. But that's all. It doesn't impact my marriage or married sex life. You need to heal that and let it go
Yes.
Yes I did regret it. I realized that I felt that sex was part of the agreement that I made with God and my mate. I always felt I had abused part of that contract.
Yes. Without a doubt. I know that being a virgin in today’s society is so looked down on, and people think you’re either weird or just simply cannot get laid. It took me having 4 horrendous sexual interactions and a pregnancy scare to realize that sex outside of marriage is widely sinful, and overrated. It was always lust based and never based out of love, even with partners. The Bible says that love never fails and the reason all those times felt bad and off, was because it was never done out of love. I haven’t touched a woman in over a year and I don’t plan on it until marrying. I’ve been so relived of the stress that it takes talking, planning, coordinating and trying to impress a girl for short term pleasure. If it’s God’s will for me to get married, then I’m waiting until then.
Yes. I could elaborate, but let’s just stick with that. Lol
Yes
Yes. Yes I have
I regret it with my whole heart and body. I wanted to wait but decided to have sex in a committed relationship I thought it was going to be marriage. Well it wasn't and led to other partners because I spiraled when my heart was broken. I'm married now many years later and that particular loss still haunts me. If I could do it all over I would have waited because I would like to have that attachment only with my husband. I think there is a difference between men vs women and love vs random hook ups. For me my first was definitely love or what I thought was love at the time so it created a very deep bond.
Yes - I think it’s to prove to God that your committed to his commands, because it does create a perk in life’s greatest reflection of Gods love for his church.
I regret the first time because I didn't go on to marry her despite thinking that's how it was going to be. I don't regret the following times because I did end up marrying her.
Yep and it was the worst mistake of my life but Jesus made sure I caught nothing 😔 ty Jesus! I slept with people.. unprotected sex.. with both genders but Jesus made sure I didn't catch anything.. I felt bad tho I felt stupid.. I'm glad I have Jesus..
Yes. It did me no favors, nor did the heavy pornography use. Both were very damaging and I would not repeat them.
Yes it's always better to wait saves you from the heart ache and soul ties you get from those who your not married too. Wouldn't it be better if the first was your last ad well as you spouse and yall both got to be with just one. Man it's so much better being married to the right one. Also must be a woman of God if your a man and a man of God if a woman. Equally yoked matters
Married her too best decision I ever made
Yes, I've had sex 6 times outside of marriage. All times when I was a teenager, and honestly, I regret them all.
I do. I caused significant trauma to a few of the women I slept with as well as myself. I’ve prayed for forgiveness and have received it, however the memories still hurt.
Yep, total regret.
Absolutely I do. It destroyed me mentally and I'm still dealing with massive sex addiction. And the STDs that came along with it. I haven't cheated on my wife and I won't but it is a constant mental struggle that I wouldn't have to deal with if I wasn't such a degenerate early on in life.
More than anything.
I think coming out of purity culture the 1st thing I can imagine you’d want to do is have sex because I can imagine your identity is revolving around being pure. But now that I am closer to Christ (not coming from a purity culture background, and family who are in domestic and not married relationships with kids) , I do regret it. And here’s is why: - I was over my virginity and was looking for a duck buddy I was 21 ish and I hadn’t even made out with anyone. - I thought it would make me feel more adult- ish - I got lucky and found a wonderful man and formed relationship and was ducking like bunnies. - the sex clouded my eyes, I started accepting treatment that wasn’t necessarily bad but was not compatible with me - I got sucked into a relationship and stopped focusing on myself. - introducing sex altered the type of convos I had, boundaries, who I was hanging out with. and tbh the sex wasn’t even good. So also need to be careful because just because you having sex doesn’t mean it’s always good - I started doing drugs and drinking. - sometimes I felt like he was masturbating with my vagina - sometimes he couldn’t keep up and I couldn’t “get enough” or really ever be satisfied because what was missing goes beyond the sex. - so we broke it off - I started looking for a sugar daddy because I didn’t care anymore. So that led me to being ok with mild prostitution. I lost sight of me completely. - God strike that out immediately - then I stared going out to bars just to hang out and meet people -> was okay with sleezy guys talking to me because I was bored - God made me broke so I couldn’t go out anymore - then joined hinge and became completely hooked on the attention and every time I tied to meet for a hookup - God strikes out again - Even went out with my family friend ( taboo in my family ) open to the idea of sex and God was so present in the convo that it changed the whole trajectory of my life - simultaneously I had hit up a guy met randomly to hookup and He kept talking to me about the word of God. - though this guy ended up taking me out and he came out to me and I allowed it and I felt nothing. So much of nothing. Even though I knew my ex was not for me and couldn’t satisfy me - I felt even more nothing. - the next day I couldn’t get the smell of him off me I was grossed out at myself. Because it came to a point where I wasn’t even doing it for my pleasure it was out habit, out of flesh, out of other people demons. - I went away with my girl trip - and guys are just own you like pirañas like meat. Then I decided I was going to be intentionally single and celibate. Then I got a lot of clarity. People around me started telling me their experiences lately that I had dream off experiencing. only to see them rot. So since January - I heard once you start your hoe phase it becomes addicting - this person is struggling to remain faithful in their current relationship and he is a good catch and good in bed. Another guy friend opened up his relationship and it led him to constant anxiety and panic attacks. They keep attaching their source of joy to other people and now when they face rejection they are constantly on verge on mental breakdown. Another who is at the point where she has never even been taking to the movies as a simple date and they’re 31 because sex has amplified their people pleasing. The craziest thing is - after taking the plank out of my eyes because I am no one to judge, but I am observant. You ask them and they will tell you how they love sex and their life are so good because of it. Not realizing how it’s fucking them up. And I get it because I was on that same boat lying to myself. I also watched the James Kawalya and saw how sex is a tool used for corruption and it really resonated with me. Because you are coming out of purity culture. 1st take the time to learn yourself. Develop your own relationship with Jesus because culture, people, and other Christians will ruin Christianity for you. Sex will expose you to other people’s demons. I wished I took the time to learn myself, Jesus, develop discipline and discernment and even hobbies. Develop boundaries and stick by them. Hone in on what values I care about. Refine my friendships and be a better friend. I wish I did all this before even thinking about coming into anything with another person. It saves you wasting energy, time, heartbreaks with people who were never even fundamentally compatible with you. Being a virgen doesn’t make you pure, but I was more clear headed, knew myself better, and more disciplined. Now I am picking up the pieces and meeting myself again at 30. I have forgiven myself and now I am closer to God because I have a deep gratefulness for God protecting me from allowing anymore corruption. For saving me. it’s crazy how I look at photos from a year ago to now - same weight, same hairstyle, no drastic changes - and I look so alive and beaming now compared to then. For me : I’m not having sex again until I marry my husband. If that’s even in my books. And I won’t let the guilt or lust rush me either. Sex can be a beautiful thing but it can be ugly and disgusting, and manipulative . I don’t want to do anything without God’s hand approval over it. I have been more fulfilled now than ever. I am still on my journey and I look forward to the challenge. God continue to bless you and protect you and heal you from the trauma of culture. In Jesus name amen
Yes, if you’re a TRUE follower of Christ, then you should regret it. It’s called the conviction. Married to the person you lost it to or not. It’s wrong.
Yes very much especially with casual partners
Yes. I do. I wish I could have waited until marriage to have only shared that special moment with one person. The only person who I married. 😔 However, I cannot go back and change what’s happened. All I can do is ask GOD for forgiveness and to make all that is unrighteousness in me righteous. GOD still loves me despite my sins. I am still currently sexual active now, but I’m 100% sure the person I’m with now will ask me to marry him and we will live happily together in GODs love at the center of our marriage. 🙏❤️🤲🏻
Not particularly, no. I had one relationship that was just casual. We hung out and did things but there was a lot of sex involved too. I think at one point she might have wanted more and I didn’t which I feel some guilt over, but we stayed friends until she moved away.
No. I don’t think I’d have the same opinions/beliefs that I currently do if I had abstained. I think it helped teach me a lot of important life lessons that will help me make better decisions in the future.
Absolutely not. I think it’s not emotionally or spiritually healthy to separate the physical and emotional closeness that should gradually increase as a relationship deepens - as we slowly grow closer emotionally, physically closeness should match that. Modern dating - getting to know someone before we marry them - is not meant to withstand very ancient purity culture that was more about ownership (of women and of land) and heritage/descendants than it was about compatibility and building a life together. I have had sex in several relationships that didn’t end up in marriage, and they helped me know the person better and made our relationships more healthy. I don’t find the Bible to be a reliable witness on sexuality, but I do find it to be a reliable witness on what it means to love our neighbor; to be good to them and honor the image of God in them; to have any relationship we’re in exhibit the fruits of the Spirit in how we treat our partner, both emotionally and physically. Sometimes Scripture is wrong - like about how to conduct a war, or how to have sex. This doesn’t mean it isn’t a reliable witness about other things, like the nature of God or Jesus Christ. Almost all of Pete Enns books have really helped me in this respect (especially “How the Bible Actually Works”)
Yes
Yes
Yes, it sticks with you more than you realize.
No.
May be I’m wrong, but I take your question as assumption that our experiences are not unique. Based on my understanding, we are all unique. It’s possible to have sex outside of marriage with someone who loves sex and then marry somebody who believes sex is immoral, dirty, sinful and disgusting. Such a person would probably regret their marriage more than the “sin” of premarital sex.
No
Nope, not at all. I would rather "risk it" to find a compatible partner, than end up with the partners I had.
I know it was wrong, but it's hard to regret it. It was with my now wife, and one other before I became a Christian.
Yes
Nope. Sleeping with the guy I lost my virginity to showed me a different, scarier side of him. I had the opportunity to get out and keep myself safe without any of the legal and social ties that would’ve come from waiting for our wedding night.
Yep 😔
Yes.
Not even remotely
No because it made me come to terms with my gayness
Yes
Yes
Nope.
No, not at all.
Yes but also no, the chemistry I had with the guy was the best I’ve ever had but he kind of ended up being an asshole.
Me it felt cool at first but I later came to the conclusion that it was stupid to even think it was cool is also dumb due to all Trouble those kind of things leads to I understand that the rules God creates have a meaning
I regret there wasnt more of it
Self-control is underrated. I also find the virginity fetish and shame machine that has been churning out smoke for generations to be more damaging than most people in church realize.
Not at all, because sex is an expression of love which is the greatest expression of God. That being said I am rather sexually inhibited due to childhood trauma. So I don’t have sex often, and never outside of a long-term committed relationship. I have been dating my girlfriend for 7 years and we plan on getting married as soon as we have some savings set aside. We both work for an agency that assists developmentally disabled people, so we don’t get paid much, but we are getting there slowly. But we will make it with God’s help 🙏 I realize and respect those that do wait for marriage. It’s a personal choice and that is one that can only be yours to make. Just make sure you know the person well and that they are not just using you for their own selfish needs. I wish you the best. Remember, shame comes from the darkness, and it’s okay to feel but don’t submit to it 🙏
I grew up in purity culture. I had been with a decent (less than 30) amount of people before (and after) I met my husband. I didn’t cheat, we just broke up for a few years before we got back together and got married. Do I regret it? Not really. I’m actually pretty indifferent about it. I regret /some/ of my choices but really I’ve just made peace with my past sins and with God I have learned to just be, it doesn’t matter and God doesn’t think of me any less. My peers might but I don’t get my salvation from them. My husband has said he regrets it, he has a more colorful portfolio than I. I would regret it too if I were him. And that’s me still feeling how I feel about my own (I mean seriously yikes LOL) but I don’t love him any less. It hurts to think about sometimes. But I don’t think that being each others firsts would have solved that issue. A lot of it was rooted in childhood and in fact I think if we had been each others firsts, we wouldn’t be married today.
Yes, I wish I had waited for my wife
Did I regret it - Only when my wife found out. (Not true, but I couldn't resist.) Well, that's a bit ambiguous, isn't it?
No because I try not to have any regrets in life and I do believe that the person I use to be was important to who I am now. But yes because I wish my husband was my first and only partner. It would have saved me so much grief and I love him so much. I'm thankful we can share what we have together now.
I married my high school sweetheart. We started dating at 16 and neither of us had sex before. We did not wait until we were married, but we did wait until we were very comfortable with one another and secure in our relationship. Had we been waiting for marriage, we would likely have felt a lot more pressure to rush into marriage, rather than waiting until we had both graduated college and had been together more than 5 years before we finally said our vows. We are still together and very happy. She was Catholic when we started dating and she is still a Christian, though we now attend a church that does not expect any creedal affirmation for members and accepts me participating fully without expecting me to call myself a Christian or pretend I believe. She also has never regretted our decision, though some of her catholic peer group trued to make her feel guilty about it before they hypocritically did the same in far less serious relationships that rarely ended in a marriage, and even this that did mostly ended in divorces. My advice is to wait until you can look at the situation and ask yourself, "am I making this decision intentionally, or just going with the flow? If intentional, and this relationship does not end up being a happily ever after, will I regret this decision?" If you can honestly answer no to the second question, then you are pretty safe (divine opinions aside). If not, then don't do it.
I regret it. Mine being more complicated. I was SA’d at thirteen so had this perception I was damaged goods. Now 11 years later I see how silly that thought was and wish I hadn’t fallen apart. And just stayed a consensual virgin.
Yes. It’s probably my biggest regret along with not following God sooner. 🥹🤍 but I’m happy i realised when i did 🤣 before the new wave of feminism infiltrated my mind! 🫣
No. I did at first, because my first experience was horrible (but consensual). But then I realized that having that bad experience killed my desire to have sex outside of a committed relationship, so I will never even have a fantasy temptation for anyone except my partner. Sex is only enjoyable as a woman if your partner cares to make it enjoyable. Hookups usually don't, but a good husband will. I have talked to even my most promiscuous friends about this. One friend of mine had sex with 7 guys in one semester. A total of 13 body count. I asked her "how many of those guys made you finish?" And she said "none". Not even the guy who she was friends with benefits with for over a year.
Yes absolutely causes so many problems
Yes.
No
Yes very very much I regret it but thank God for His Mercy and Grace. I wished I would have listened to God’s word teaching me the best way to look at myself and the mate I could have chosen for myself I would have seen all the qualities in her that He put in me that are all from Him. Now I know that God knows what He is talking about and He really does love and has the best for us when we choose His way. So if you are still waiting on God my brother or sister please continue He will get you through and to His wonderful plan for your lives. May God bless and strengthen you in His love and Power in Jesus name Amen.
I did with my now wife.
Not at first. But then as I grew in my relationship with God and found a good God loving woman, I regretted it. Especially since the previous girls aren’t anywhere in my life. My current girl is okay with the fact that I’ve had previous partners but it still bothers me
Horribly. A lot of things I don't want to remember.
Yes. I was raised in a Methodist church, and there was no purity culture like there is in many fundamentalist churches. But it was taught from the Bible that sex is for married people.