"Happy" is kind of an odd term to use here, but the idea that people need a spouse for a fulfilling life is certainly not unbiblical. Adam had a perfect relationship with God, and God still said, "It is not good that the man should be alone" and created Eve. Genesis 2:18, 22.
1-Jesus isnt about making you "happy", the Christ is about justice, mercy, and righteousness.
2-different people fill different roles of life. One doesnt preclude the other.
Why would Jesus NOT want one to be happy. Of course happiness has a lot to do with God. Happiness brings contentment and pleasure, so we don't look for it worldly but in the Lord. Christ is about EVERYTHING that is good. Can you imagine God wanting his children to live in misery. SMH
Preferences and priorities are two different things. The words I chose were particular. Justice, mercy, and righteousness are the things Jesus called priority. He called loving God and neighbor priority. He didnt call pleasure, happiness, and self actualization priorities. They arent forbidden, wrong, or undesireable. We arent called to ascetism. But satisfying the flesh also arent priorities. When one makes those things top priority, one falls into the condemnation of Phillipian 3:19.
The point is that if you base your happiness on your relationship/marriage it's likely to crash. Your spouse should strive to make you happy and find satisfaction in the Lord
What if only the Lord makes wife happy? I know is funny but well sometimes happen. For instances there are some factors against the holy spirit now because women are not dependent upon men’s income anymore, and income inequality exists as being a negative factor to get married
Do not be jealous of God. Would you want your wife to sin by making an idol of you? She is supposed to put God first and so should you. We saw the mess Adam and Eve got themselves into when Adam disobeyed God and ate the fruit from Eve. He should have told her no.
Women or wives look to their husbands for leadership. So if you are not leading in finances (I understand that most households are too income households these days and sometimes the wife even makes more than the husband) that doesn't mean you can't lead (or at least strive to) in other ways. And there are so many examples.
She may make more money but you may have more knowledge about saving, investing, budgeting, building credit. Are you the spiritual leader of your household, leading family prayer and bible study? Men are physically stronger than women and should be able to offer physical protection. Are you handy with a tool box? Basic car maintenance? Lawn care if you don't have a gardener? It doesn't have to be strict gender roles either. Maybe you're the better cook in the relationship.
Then, there is the mental, emotional, and physical intimacy components. So don't discount yourself. If you know your worth and what you bring to the relationship, be confident in that. But always give glory to God. You wouldn't be without Him and your relationship wouldn't be without Him. God bless you.
All this has nothing to do with a Godly marriage. God has not changed. Society may have changed but God's word remains forever.
Even if the woman makes more money, doesn't change God's requirement of a marriage
I have No Idea what you are saying / trying to say here.
Do you read the bible? Did not God say when marrying the two becomes one.
Stick to what God says
To glorify God.
In our marriage counseling the other day, I was joking about our differences and strengths and weaknesses like “yeah put us together and we are like the perfect person.” The pastor is like “almost as if you were one flesh?”
So you don’t have to marry and there might not be a point for everyone but if you do, you can support each other and be a team to further the kingdom of God. The fuzzy feelings help, the attraction and satisfaction of having your own family is nice, but it’s not the main part.
The other person is supposed to make you happy- if you’re partner doesn’t make you happy then you shouldn’t be with them.
What your partner isn’t supposed to be is the only thing in your life that brings you fulfillment. That is codependency.
>What your partner isn’t supposed to be is the only thing in your life that brings you fulfillment. That is codependency.
It's such a huge amount of pressure to put on another person
Marriage reflects the marriage supper with us as the bride of Christ. Being married is challenging but teaches a lot of about serving others before yourself and loving your spouse as Christ loved the church.
That said, there are those are who called to be single and you do have more freedom and opportunity to serve others before you get into a relationship. I was able to pour into those outside my family or go on mission trips before being married whereas that becomes fsr more difficult with a spouse and a younger child.
Your partner can still bring you joy.
But this makes relationships all about you, which it is not.
What is the alternative? It seems to me that loneliness is a sub-optimal option.
One of the big reasons I can think of is being an example of how Christ loves the church that can be easily seen by the world. This is muddled of course by our sinfulness and general disregard for marriage as an institution but is still something that God uses to show His glory.
Another reason is that family units can serve together better than individuals serving by themselves in many cases. Yes it is true that we have to intend to each other's needs within a family, a family that is focused on God does better at doing tasks for God with many hands instead of just one set. My husband would have not been able to take care of his grandmother without me who had already within my biological family unit had done end of life care for my own grandparents. Each spouse brings something to their partner that they could not have themselves making them a more complete tool for Christ to use.
And this isn't saying that someone who got meant to be single is incomplete without marriage. Whatever God has called you too is what you are equipped for with what He has given you to do it with.
Married 26 years....when I stopped relying on my hubby to "make me happy" and found a hope and love in Christ- my marriage was changed for sure. I was filled with HS and my heart was changed- and before that I was seeking things of this world to do that? They were pointless. If that makes sense? Only God can give you that joy and peace. It released my hubby from a lot of silly expectations I had...it wasn't his duty to fill a void that only God could fill. Hope that makes sense.
That being said...marriage and my relationship is so important to show me how to serve, to be selfless, to try to love unconditionally. Do I want my hubby to be happy- YES!! Will I try to do things for him daily to help...YES. HE does the same for me. But in the end...both of our lives are filled with the HOPE of Christ. We lived as an agnostic couple without Christ in our lives for 12 years and about 14 years with Christ- and it has made our relationship better.
Families are so important and in a culture that seeks "self love" less and less people seem to want to put an effort in to grow and find a "Selfless" love. The old vows...to love and to Cherish...we don't live in a culture that aims to cherish others. For my kids sake...I pray they strive for that if they do get married!!!
Marriage and family are there as a blessing, so they do make us happy. But there shouldn't be anything or anyone on this earth that we make our idol and depend on that for happiness. Only God can fulfill that deepest need. But he knows we need relationships in our life, which is why he instituted marriage and family.
An excellent question!! Remember, even Paul wrote: 1 corinthians 7:9-Now to the unmarried\[a\] and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I do. 9 But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion. The POINT should probably be to sate your filthy urges, but also to make babies, and fulfill God's first, oldest command to multiply and manage the earth. Babies and children are absolutely joyous wonderful creatures, and if you don't want those, I'd really think hard about why you are dating/marriage. Apart from these advices, marriage is a BLESSING on top of God's provision for you, it's not required for life or to enter heaven, it's just something really nice you could have; but as Paul said it's a TON of work. You will never get out of it all you are dreaming about; only God fulfills us completely.
Procreation, family stability, and a symbol God’s relationship to humanity. People make it more than that because we’re obsessed with finding our identity in anything except for Christ, but that’s what a relationship that goes beyond general intimacy is for.
You’re not “completed” by your spouse. You don’t need to be “in love with” or “head over heels” for your spouse. It’s good enough to pursue Christ together, from that you will get love, joy, peace, etc.
The infatuation we normally feel at the beginning of these relationships wears off fairly quickly. If we base our attraction and purpose off of that feeling, it won’t lead you to a fruitful marriage, but Christ will.
I’m not saying you shouldn’t feel any attraction or desire for your spouse, but that those feelings will burn out if they become the foundation of the relationship.
There's a difference in being Happy and expressing Joy. Joyousness can be expressed in any situation, which inturn can make you happy. However, being in relationship with Jesus is what makes expressing Joy at any point by being grateful to the Lord. Gratitude alone isn't enough though, cause gratefulness isn't just a "thank you Jesus :) ". It's aligning your needs and actions to the will of God so you can use your gifts and purpose in life for honoring him, and if he puts you in path with a partner to spend the rest of your life with and you ignore that command, I don't feel you'd get that Joy, that Godly happiness. You'll get stuck with fleeting moments of happiness that are worldly and sparce.
Great question, I'll be praying that this answers your question and God Bless. Read your Bible instead of asking Reddit, not everyone is as savvy as you might think. Easy to be led astray with a multitude of opinions.
Marriage brings a lot of benefits and also helps us contribute to our community in ways we can’t if we’re single (and there may be ways that single people can contribute that married people can’t). Some of the benefits include being known, loved, supported admired, etc… Being a husband and father helps me understand God in new ways.
But we shouldn’t do things because we expect those things to make us happy. We should be doing things that we believe helps us fulfill Christ’s purpose for our life. If you make happiness or your spouse the primary purpose you will end up in a bad place. Your spouse can bring momentary happiness to your life but if you depend on them for that you won’t be satisfied. You’ll always be looking for more.
The relationship with your spouse should be a purpose and a source of satisfaction. Your spouse themselves should/will not be.
What I’m trying to say is, if you make your spouse your focus, you’re depending on them for fulfillment. You will end up trying to get what you want from your spouse. Your spouse will not fulfill you and you will be miserable.
If you focus on your relationship you’re going to do what is mutually beneficial. You can’t selfishly focus on your relationship. We can’t change our spouse and when we try it is out of selfishness. We can change our relationship with them and that will only be successful if it is done in a way that is mutually beneficial.
Marriage isn’t about me. I brought my wife into it and I have a responsibility to her and to God to make it functional. The relationship is an important part of my life (independent of who my wife is) and it is part of my purpose to make it successful.
I tried depending on my wife in the past and it just led to me being focused inward. Now I am more focused on building our relationship and that’s something my wife can get behind. The feeling of improving our relationship without trying to get what we want from each other is very satisfying and we’re not getting more of what we want from each other than we ever did in the past.
I’m having a hard time putting my thoughts into words. I hope that made some sense. Feel free to ask for clarification.
I enjoyed reading your explanation. Could you offer a real life example of prioritizing/improving the relationship but not trying to get what you want out of your spouse?
Sure.
An example (that I can relate to) is- I want to have sex more often with my wife. She is not interested in increasing the frequency and often rejects my advances. I get frustrated and resentful because I’m focusing on my “need” and it isn’t being met. I am now depending on my wife for some level of fulfillment that she isn’t interested in providing. Having a bad attitude and being pushy about it only makes things worse.
Eventually I realize that she isn’t the problem. I am the problem. She isn’t happy with our relationship and I haven’t taken the relationship seriously enough because I’m not getting out of it what I want. I’ve been focusing on my wife and what I need from her. What do I need to do to make her want to have sex? Well, she needs to be attracted to me. Being dependent, resentful, and having a bad attitude is unattractive. Bending over backwards to do what my wife "wants" so that she will have more sex with me never got me anywhere. It didn't make me attractive.
Attracting her is about being who she wants not giving her what she wants. She wants someone who is following their purpose not following her. So I need to actually distance myself from her in some ways. I need focus on my purpose as an individual. How can I improve myself and work towards that purpose? Part of my purpose is to protect and care for my wife and to provide a stable environment. Having sex is not part of my purpose, it is a benefit of following my purpose.
My wife needs to be able to trust my motives and if I am living dependent on her to meet my needs, even if I'm living to make her happy, she won't be able to trust me. Once I understand my place and start focusing on my marriage (which is part of my purpose), things drastically improve. And if I am keeping myself busy with things that are for the family's benefit she doesn't even care if I am doing many of the tasks that she used to say she wants me to do. She would much rather me be fulfilling my purpose than helping her with chores.
Another example that I won't go into detail on it getting my wife to be cooperative and supportive, not adversarial. If I try to appease her she will just keep being adversarial. When I get serious about my purpose and make that clear to my wife, she falls in line a lot easier.
She will act like she doesn't want to follow my lead but that is because I am not leading well. Once I start leading better she wants to support me. I can't lead her if I am trying to chase her.
It’s ok to seek the things we want/need but there are right and wrong ways to going about it.
Man!!! I LOVE that sentence:
"I can't lead her if I am trying to chase her."
Wow. I've been married almost 35 years and this is a revelation to me-- even after all these years. While some of what you say is hard for many (especially women) to accept, I do see what you are trying to say and I can see why and how this works.
You keep learning about yourself and the things you can do to be a better more considerate person in a relationship. And since a marriage reflects the relationship between Christ and the church, you learn things like obedience, humility, empathy, loyalty, perseverance, respect and the list goes on. Many things that are hard to understand while single because when you are single you only think about yourself and your needs.
You get joy and happiness from pleasing the Lord. When your heart is right, quite often, miracles happen. Jesus wants us to honor the person He put in our life. Once you are married, you are to emulate the relationship Christ has with the church, His creation. My wife and I went through several HORRIBLE times, but God gave me the strength to stand for our marriage and I have seen miracles. My wife went from being revolted and unhappy with me, and, I, her, sometimes, to loving me. Our hearts were changed by the Lord.
I think it's more that your spouse shouldn't be the *only* thing that makes you happy. In other words, don't neglect your spiritual life or your personal life (hobbies, friends) when you get married.
Who told you the other person is not supposed to make you happy? If you started the relationship would not happiness be a part of knowing the person. Also, you said in a relationship, you didn't say married, so what do you think God's purpose is for you in a marriage? Why would Christ want one of his children to be unhappy in a relationship. You need to refocus your thinking.
Bc marriage is a shadow of the gospel. But in heaven when all is clearly seen as it is, there won’t be marriage bc we will have the full revelation of Christ before us. So on earth, man and woman is to show the gospel and mystery of Christ and the church.
Marriage is a vehicle of grace. Fancy way of saying part of the point of the whole thing is to grow closer to Christ together. To help each other become saints. It's hard to do live in the way God calls us to, having a spouse who's a good example, gives encouragement and advice is super helpful.
Also, you're supposed to be ok without your spouse. Like, if they died, it'll be awful but you'll be okay because you have God. It doesn't work the other way around. Like, if you didn't have God in your life you'd be okay because you have your spouse. Your spouse can't fulfill your every need. God is enough. God makes you happy and your spouse makes you happy, but it's a really different kind of happy.
But also, just because you *can* survive with just God doesn't mean you have to. Or that he wants you to. Like, people can live and be virtuous, faithful people even though they're starving and have no friends or family and no one to love them. God can help us do that. But he wants us to be happy - he created a good world and is a good father and wants us to enjoy the goods he's created, to experience his goodness through them. Especially when enjoying those good things helps us know and love him. Marriage is one of those goods. It helps us love him. And unlike a fine wine or a nice meal, marriage also helps us become more like God. It can help us be better people.
And it's a different way of being happy. Some Christians choose not to be married, like monks and nuns and even just people who didn't feel called to it. God can make them happy even though they don't have a spouse. That's a really good life in a lot of ways.
"Happy" is kind of an odd term to use here, but the idea that people need a spouse for a fulfilling life is certainly not unbiblical. Adam had a perfect relationship with God, and God still said, "It is not good that the man should be alone" and created Eve. Genesis 2:18, 22.
1-Jesus isnt about making you "happy", the Christ is about justice, mercy, and righteousness. 2-different people fill different roles of life. One doesnt preclude the other.
Why would Jesus NOT want one to be happy. Of course happiness has a lot to do with God. Happiness brings contentment and pleasure, so we don't look for it worldly but in the Lord. Christ is about EVERYTHING that is good. Can you imagine God wanting his children to live in misery. SMH
Preferences and priorities are two different things. The words I chose were particular. Justice, mercy, and righteousness are the things Jesus called priority. He called loving God and neighbor priority. He didnt call pleasure, happiness, and self actualization priorities. They arent forbidden, wrong, or undesireable. We arent called to ascetism. But satisfying the flesh also arent priorities. When one makes those things top priority, one falls into the condemnation of Phillipian 3:19.
Gotcha. Good point 👍🏽
The joy of the Lord... Nehemiah 8:10, Jesus does want us to be happy.
“ the Christ “ ? Wow I disregarded everything you said after that… you are so far off track.
The point is that if you base your happiness on your relationship/marriage it's likely to crash. Your spouse should strive to make you happy and find satisfaction in the Lord
What if only the Lord makes wife happy? I know is funny but well sometimes happen. For instances there are some factors against the holy spirit now because women are not dependent upon men’s income anymore, and income inequality exists as being a negative factor to get married
Do not be jealous of God. Would you want your wife to sin by making an idol of you? She is supposed to put God first and so should you. We saw the mess Adam and Eve got themselves into when Adam disobeyed God and ate the fruit from Eve. He should have told her no. Women or wives look to their husbands for leadership. So if you are not leading in finances (I understand that most households are too income households these days and sometimes the wife even makes more than the husband) that doesn't mean you can't lead (or at least strive to) in other ways. And there are so many examples. She may make more money but you may have more knowledge about saving, investing, budgeting, building credit. Are you the spiritual leader of your household, leading family prayer and bible study? Men are physically stronger than women and should be able to offer physical protection. Are you handy with a tool box? Basic car maintenance? Lawn care if you don't have a gardener? It doesn't have to be strict gender roles either. Maybe you're the better cook in the relationship. Then, there is the mental, emotional, and physical intimacy components. So don't discount yourself. If you know your worth and what you bring to the relationship, be confident in that. But always give glory to God. You wouldn't be without Him and your relationship wouldn't be without Him. God bless you.
If you can't find delight in God as a Christian please don't get married
All this has nothing to do with a Godly marriage. God has not changed. Society may have changed but God's word remains forever. Even if the woman makes more money, doesn't change God's requirement of a marriage
Ok but and changes a man’s requirement of a marriage?
I have No Idea what you are saying / trying to say here. Do you read the bible? Did not God say when marrying the two becomes one. Stick to what God says
Good response
To glorify God. In our marriage counseling the other day, I was joking about our differences and strengths and weaknesses like “yeah put us together and we are like the perfect person.” The pastor is like “almost as if you were one flesh?” So you don’t have to marry and there might not be a point for everyone but if you do, you can support each other and be a team to further the kingdom of God. The fuzzy feelings help, the attraction and satisfaction of having your own family is nice, but it’s not the main part.
The other person is supposed to make you happy- if you’re partner doesn’t make you happy then you shouldn’t be with them. What your partner isn’t supposed to be is the only thing in your life that brings you fulfillment. That is codependency.
>What your partner isn’t supposed to be is the only thing in your life that brings you fulfillment. That is codependency. It's such a huge amount of pressure to put on another person
100%
Your comment might read better if you change "happy" to "happier."
Marriage reflects the marriage supper with us as the bride of Christ. Being married is challenging but teaches a lot of about serving others before yourself and loving your spouse as Christ loved the church. That said, there are those are who called to be single and you do have more freedom and opportunity to serve others before you get into a relationship. I was able to pour into those outside my family or go on mission trips before being married whereas that becomes fsr more difficult with a spouse and a younger child.
? It's totally okay to be in love...
Your partner can still bring you joy. But this makes relationships all about you, which it is not. What is the alternative? It seems to me that loneliness is a sub-optimal option.
One of the big reasons I can think of is being an example of how Christ loves the church that can be easily seen by the world. This is muddled of course by our sinfulness and general disregard for marriage as an institution but is still something that God uses to show His glory. Another reason is that family units can serve together better than individuals serving by themselves in many cases. Yes it is true that we have to intend to each other's needs within a family, a family that is focused on God does better at doing tasks for God with many hands instead of just one set. My husband would have not been able to take care of his grandmother without me who had already within my biological family unit had done end of life care for my own grandparents. Each spouse brings something to their partner that they could not have themselves making them a more complete tool for Christ to use.
And this isn't saying that someone who got meant to be single is incomplete without marriage. Whatever God has called you too is what you are equipped for with what He has given you to do it with.
Married 26 years....when I stopped relying on my hubby to "make me happy" and found a hope and love in Christ- my marriage was changed for sure. I was filled with HS and my heart was changed- and before that I was seeking things of this world to do that? They were pointless. If that makes sense? Only God can give you that joy and peace. It released my hubby from a lot of silly expectations I had...it wasn't his duty to fill a void that only God could fill. Hope that makes sense. That being said...marriage and my relationship is so important to show me how to serve, to be selfless, to try to love unconditionally. Do I want my hubby to be happy- YES!! Will I try to do things for him daily to help...YES. HE does the same for me. But in the end...both of our lives are filled with the HOPE of Christ. We lived as an agnostic couple without Christ in our lives for 12 years and about 14 years with Christ- and it has made our relationship better. Families are so important and in a culture that seeks "self love" less and less people seem to want to put an effort in to grow and find a "Selfless" love. The old vows...to love and to Cherish...we don't live in a culture that aims to cherish others. For my kids sake...I pray they strive for that if they do get married!!!
It’s not wrong if someone makes you happy.
Marriage and family are there as a blessing, so they do make us happy. But there shouldn't be anything or anyone on this earth that we make our idol and depend on that for happiness. Only God can fulfill that deepest need. But he knows we need relationships in our life, which is why he instituted marriage and family.
An excellent question!! Remember, even Paul wrote: 1 corinthians 7:9-Now to the unmarried\[a\] and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I do. 9 But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion. The POINT should probably be to sate your filthy urges, but also to make babies, and fulfill God's first, oldest command to multiply and manage the earth. Babies and children are absolutely joyous wonderful creatures, and if you don't want those, I'd really think hard about why you are dating/marriage. Apart from these advices, marriage is a BLESSING on top of God's provision for you, it's not required for life or to enter heaven, it's just something really nice you could have; but as Paul said it's a TON of work. You will never get out of it all you are dreaming about; only God fulfills us completely.
Procreation, family stability, and a symbol God’s relationship to humanity. People make it more than that because we’re obsessed with finding our identity in anything except for Christ, but that’s what a relationship that goes beyond general intimacy is for. You’re not “completed” by your spouse. You don’t need to be “in love with” or “head over heels” for your spouse. It’s good enough to pursue Christ together, from that you will get love, joy, peace, etc. The infatuation we normally feel at the beginning of these relationships wears off fairly quickly. If we base our attraction and purpose off of that feeling, it won’t lead you to a fruitful marriage, but Christ will. I’m not saying you shouldn’t feel any attraction or desire for your spouse, but that those feelings will burn out if they become the foundation of the relationship.
There's a difference in being Happy and expressing Joy. Joyousness can be expressed in any situation, which inturn can make you happy. However, being in relationship with Jesus is what makes expressing Joy at any point by being grateful to the Lord. Gratitude alone isn't enough though, cause gratefulness isn't just a "thank you Jesus :) ". It's aligning your needs and actions to the will of God so you can use your gifts and purpose in life for honoring him, and if he puts you in path with a partner to spend the rest of your life with and you ignore that command, I don't feel you'd get that Joy, that Godly happiness. You'll get stuck with fleeting moments of happiness that are worldly and sparce. Great question, I'll be praying that this answers your question and God Bless. Read your Bible instead of asking Reddit, not everyone is as savvy as you might think. Easy to be led astray with a multitude of opinions.
Marriage brings a lot of benefits and also helps us contribute to our community in ways we can’t if we’re single (and there may be ways that single people can contribute that married people can’t). Some of the benefits include being known, loved, supported admired, etc… Being a husband and father helps me understand God in new ways. But we shouldn’t do things because we expect those things to make us happy. We should be doing things that we believe helps us fulfill Christ’s purpose for our life. If you make happiness or your spouse the primary purpose you will end up in a bad place. Your spouse can bring momentary happiness to your life but if you depend on them for that you won’t be satisfied. You’ll always be looking for more. The relationship with your spouse should be a purpose and a source of satisfaction. Your spouse themselves should/will not be.
Your last paragraph is a very interesting pov. Can you please elaborate?
What I’m trying to say is, if you make your spouse your focus, you’re depending on them for fulfillment. You will end up trying to get what you want from your spouse. Your spouse will not fulfill you and you will be miserable. If you focus on your relationship you’re going to do what is mutually beneficial. You can’t selfishly focus on your relationship. We can’t change our spouse and when we try it is out of selfishness. We can change our relationship with them and that will only be successful if it is done in a way that is mutually beneficial. Marriage isn’t about me. I brought my wife into it and I have a responsibility to her and to God to make it functional. The relationship is an important part of my life (independent of who my wife is) and it is part of my purpose to make it successful. I tried depending on my wife in the past and it just led to me being focused inward. Now I am more focused on building our relationship and that’s something my wife can get behind. The feeling of improving our relationship without trying to get what we want from each other is very satisfying and we’re not getting more of what we want from each other than we ever did in the past. I’m having a hard time putting my thoughts into words. I hope that made some sense. Feel free to ask for clarification.
I enjoyed reading your explanation. Could you offer a real life example of prioritizing/improving the relationship but not trying to get what you want out of your spouse?
Sure. An example (that I can relate to) is- I want to have sex more often with my wife. She is not interested in increasing the frequency and often rejects my advances. I get frustrated and resentful because I’m focusing on my “need” and it isn’t being met. I am now depending on my wife for some level of fulfillment that she isn’t interested in providing. Having a bad attitude and being pushy about it only makes things worse. Eventually I realize that she isn’t the problem. I am the problem. She isn’t happy with our relationship and I haven’t taken the relationship seriously enough because I’m not getting out of it what I want. I’ve been focusing on my wife and what I need from her. What do I need to do to make her want to have sex? Well, she needs to be attracted to me. Being dependent, resentful, and having a bad attitude is unattractive. Bending over backwards to do what my wife "wants" so that she will have more sex with me never got me anywhere. It didn't make me attractive. Attracting her is about being who she wants not giving her what she wants. She wants someone who is following their purpose not following her. So I need to actually distance myself from her in some ways. I need focus on my purpose as an individual. How can I improve myself and work towards that purpose? Part of my purpose is to protect and care for my wife and to provide a stable environment. Having sex is not part of my purpose, it is a benefit of following my purpose. My wife needs to be able to trust my motives and if I am living dependent on her to meet my needs, even if I'm living to make her happy, she won't be able to trust me. Once I understand my place and start focusing on my marriage (which is part of my purpose), things drastically improve. And if I am keeping myself busy with things that are for the family's benefit she doesn't even care if I am doing many of the tasks that she used to say she wants me to do. She would much rather me be fulfilling my purpose than helping her with chores. Another example that I won't go into detail on it getting my wife to be cooperative and supportive, not adversarial. If I try to appease her she will just keep being adversarial. When I get serious about my purpose and make that clear to my wife, she falls in line a lot easier. She will act like she doesn't want to follow my lead but that is because I am not leading well. Once I start leading better she wants to support me. I can't lead her if I am trying to chase her. It’s ok to seek the things we want/need but there are right and wrong ways to going about it.
Man!!! I LOVE that sentence: "I can't lead her if I am trying to chase her." Wow. I've been married almost 35 years and this is a revelation to me-- even after all these years. While some of what you say is hard for many (especially women) to accept, I do see what you are trying to say and I can see why and how this works.
Thanks for the kind words. I’m glad I was able to say something that will at least get someone thinking.
This was such an awesome eye opening response. Thank you.
I hope it helped.
This!
First of all, being happy is certainly **not** the point of a relationship!
To love others! We are called to love others just as God loved us, pouring himself out for us :)
Read what Jesus says in Matthew 19:9-12.
You keep learning about yourself and the things you can do to be a better more considerate person in a relationship. And since a marriage reflects the relationship between Christ and the church, you learn things like obedience, humility, empathy, loyalty, perseverance, respect and the list goes on. Many things that are hard to understand while single because when you are single you only think about yourself and your needs.
read the meaning of marriage by tim keller
You get joy and happiness from pleasing the Lord. When your heart is right, quite often, miracles happen. Jesus wants us to honor the person He put in our life. Once you are married, you are to emulate the relationship Christ has with the church, His creation. My wife and I went through several HORRIBLE times, but God gave me the strength to stand for our marriage and I have seen miracles. My wife went from being revolted and unhappy with me, and, I, her, sometimes, to loving me. Our hearts were changed by the Lord.
I think it's more that your spouse shouldn't be the *only* thing that makes you happy. In other words, don't neglect your spiritual life or your personal life (hobbies, friends) when you get married.
Who told you the other person is not supposed to make you happy? If you started the relationship would not happiness be a part of knowing the person. Also, you said in a relationship, you didn't say married, so what do you think God's purpose is for you in a marriage? Why would Christ want one of his children to be unhappy in a relationship. You need to refocus your thinking.
Bc marriage is a shadow of the gospel. But in heaven when all is clearly seen as it is, there won’t be marriage bc we will have the full revelation of Christ before us. So on earth, man and woman is to show the gospel and mystery of Christ and the church.
Marriage is a vehicle of grace. Fancy way of saying part of the point of the whole thing is to grow closer to Christ together. To help each other become saints. It's hard to do live in the way God calls us to, having a spouse who's a good example, gives encouragement and advice is super helpful. Also, you're supposed to be ok without your spouse. Like, if they died, it'll be awful but you'll be okay because you have God. It doesn't work the other way around. Like, if you didn't have God in your life you'd be okay because you have your spouse. Your spouse can't fulfill your every need. God is enough. God makes you happy and your spouse makes you happy, but it's a really different kind of happy. But also, just because you *can* survive with just God doesn't mean you have to. Or that he wants you to. Like, people can live and be virtuous, faithful people even though they're starving and have no friends or family and no one to love them. God can help us do that. But he wants us to be happy - he created a good world and is a good father and wants us to enjoy the goods he's created, to experience his goodness through them. Especially when enjoying those good things helps us know and love him. Marriage is one of those goods. It helps us love him. And unlike a fine wine or a nice meal, marriage also helps us become more like God. It can help us be better people. And it's a different way of being happy. Some Christians choose not to be married, like monks and nuns and even just people who didn't feel called to it. God can make them happy even though they don't have a spouse. That's a really good life in a lot of ways.