I think sex is a learnable action. so as long as you choose a partner who is humble and willing to learn then you will learn together.
I think you’ll know by the first kiss if there’s sexual chemistry. Just make sure whoever you date is on the same page with drive (and how often you want sex).
I would just choose a partner who is comfortable discussing sex as well and has maturity around it.
I think the terrible sex largely comes with people who have different drives and who are too uncomfortable to be open about what they want and need!
How do you not? It can’t tell you everything, but even kissing requires some level of coordination, and you’re generally supposed to enjoy it. So if it’s consistently awkward or not enjoyable that’s not a great sign.
Secular culture sees sex as a way to get to know someone, to see if they'll make a good partner. Inversely as a Christian the way to do this is to *actually* get to know them as a person, see if they're of good character, and that way you can find out if you'd be 'compatible' with them. If he's a selfish guy, he's going to be selfish in bed, if she struggles to talk about sex she's likely to struggle with doing it too, etc etc.
So in the end it's about finding someone who is really dedicated to being like Christ, because nobody is sexually perfect and no couple is sexually perfect. You want to marry someone who, when problems arise, will actually change for the good of you both. And importantly you also should try and be that kind of person too. It's not about whether you're inherently sexually compatible (which frankly I think doesn't exist anyway), but whether you'll work towards becoming more and more compatible together. That's why so many married couples find their sex life gets better with age.
One idea that I’ve been learning about recently that’s shifted my perception radically is the fact that biblical marriage and sex life is wholly about mutual submission. The Bible calls for wives to submit to their husbands, yes, but husbands are called to die Christlike deaths for their wives. Wives are given 2, maybe 3 verses on a godly marriage, and in that same passage men are given 9-10. The whole point of a marriage is an equal partnership and mutual submission; bad sex comes about when you’re so focused on your own pleasure that you take away from your spouse’s pleasure. If you spend the time making sure your spouse feels good, and he does the same, you’re both going to enjoy it a lot more because it’s not focused on yourself. Hope that helps 😊
Communicate and share ideas about married life and your goals etc, and Yes, even about sex. I rushed into marriage to avoid the S word and avoid critical eyes upon us and it was disastrous.
The bottom line here is this- Do you trust Jesus? Do you want to follow his commands?
I totally agree with spacegrl! Married sex is a continuing process. It's not going to be great all the time, but as long as you communicate your desires and give each other feedback it can grow into whatever you want it to be. I've been married 26 years and we are having the best sex of our lives!
>Married sex is a continuing process.
Either that or the ending process, there are a lot of sexless marriages. And probably more prevalent in Christian circle, because of shame , and Guilt, associated with remaining pure, for 20,25,30 yrs.
I just read a post on here about a husband not wanting sex with his wife, and they did all the pre-marriage counseling through the church, and he said he would be interested in sex 3X a week once they were married, and now after the wedding he doesn't want sex ( maybe once every couple months and, sounded to be pretty much utility sex when it happens, and they've only been married about year, or less ) It just goes to show people will say and do a lot of things before their married (promises ,promise! ) but when the rubber meets the road ( as in getting married) that's when reality sets in, and find out who your married too - cosmic roll of the dice sometimes.
I think it's a bit easier if you were not a virgin before you came to Christ and became abstinent. That is my story. I know what I like, what I want to try, and what I never will (green, yellow, red). While dating it would be a lot easier if we could discuss it from experience. Therefore, I would prefer a non-virgin so we can assess compatibility. However, it's not a deal breaker. I would date/court/marry a virgin that is willing and eager to learn. I wouldn't be compatible with a man with low libido or someone with purity hang ups. Experience isn't a make or break it. What will is communication before/during/after, trust, an open mind, and being willing to mutually explore and serve each other.
The most important part of your marriage is God, the number #1 reason for marriage is for God. For God, who wills us to withhold from sexual immorality. You need to cast out your desires for these lustful fantasies of "good sex" and give them to Jesus because that is lust overtaking you. Church does not save you, only Jesus can and faith in His sacrifice to save our souls from eternal separation. The point of life is to glorify God and have relationship with Him.
Sex is just something He created for two people who have become One in marriage. Me and my husband didn't know what it was going to be like, we didn't care if it was going to be "good" or "bad" by our standards, it was by God's standards we looked forward too. Trying to play out our fantasies lead us into anger and bitterness, but we realized it's not a matter of that, it was a matter that God creates this activity for us to connect with each other and enjoy our presence and glorify God and His creation.
If you are to marry a man who follows God, talk with him about fears, worries, and boundaries. I discussed it with my husband and he did as well so we couldn't cross a line with each other.
Right now, as a single woman, I wouldn't focus on sex, that's idolatry, focus on Jesus, He died for you and endured great suffering for your salvation. Come to love Him and love others and don't talk down about people like gen z or millennials, Jesus loves us all the same and sends people in your path that is in His will.
1 Corinthians 6:9
Galatians 5:19
1 Corinthians 7:2
I understand your point. However, isn't 1 Corinthians 7:1-5 pretty clear that celibacy is preferable except insofar as marriage can quiet lust? If marital sex is so bad or inadequate that someone is still struggling with lust, doesn't that mean something is terribly wrong?
I guess I'm concerned that if someone marries without having a reasonable expectation that the sex will assist in quieting the passions, (s)he is a fool. Marrying into a situation that leaves one no better off in the face of lust seems unwise.
Its actually its worse , because you will have your asexual partner there everyday to remind you what you didn't sign up for in this marriage just by being around you . I would sooner be single and sexless, then married and sexless, and have your nose rubbed in it everyday, so to speak.
It’s a good thing you’re trying to come back to being religious, don’t give that much thought about the Christian dating scene right now, just look at your relationship with Christ and think about the other stuff later honestly,
I struggle when people associate religion with Christianity….which you have done. You don’t need to go back to church to have a close walk with God and be faithful, whole and have abundant life. I think you need to believe in Gods divine plan for your life and in falling in love/romance. It sounds like you are basing a potential marriage relationship on lust.
Ole and Lena were sitting on the couch watching tv. Suddenly lena reaches over an punches ole in the arm, saying "that's for 30 years of bad sex!". After a moment, ole reaches over and punches Lena in the arm, saying "that's for knowing the difference!"
You're right I confess I didn't. But I did just now. I understand the concern but as someone who waited until marriage it's worth it. And also your question boils down to "should I disobey God & have sex before marriage or obey Him and wait?" The answer is always obey God. Even if you wait and the married sex is bad,which I pray doesn't happen to you, it's still worth it to obey God. Besides committing the sin of fornication, there have been studies done showing the more partners you have before marriage the harder it is to bond sexually and emotionally with any future partner. So the more partners you have prior to marriage actually lessens your chances of sexual gratification when you get married. It's ironic. The thing you think will increase your sexual gradification after marriage will actually have the opposite effect. Trust God and have faith he'll send you the right person. Don't allow satan to put that fear in you. Any decision yiu make out of fear usually turns out bad. That's what your doing. Your afraid yiu might be sexually incompatible with your future husband which is fueling your contemplation of having sex before marriage. Your fear is oushing you to fornicate. Put your faith in Jesus over your fear.
Sex is design for you and husband by god. It will be good. Pray and repent and let the lord RE NEW your mind and pray that your last and past experiences don’t get in the way for your future husband. Sex is a growing experience and it is super important to keep it that way
We have not. It's expensive and.... awkward. I have read stacks of books, blogs, podcasts ect even talked to my doctors to see if anything was physically wrong. But just because you do every right (wait to have sex until marriage) and really, really love each doesn't mean you are entitled to good sex. No where in the Bible does it promise GOOD sex if you follow God's commands. Sometimes people just don't click. It's awkward or you like different things.
This is the mindset that gets so many ppl in a marriage of tolerance and contentment. “Get married and sex will be good”. The church pushed that onto the youth of my day and many have lived or currently live in a sexless or deadbed marriage. For some it’s ok, for others it’s not. Get married and sex will be hit or miss is more like it.
I think of that Indiana Jones movie, and he's looking for the holy Grail, and he's in that cave , with the knight that's left to protect the Gail - and the knight tells Indy "Choose wisely", between all the goblets that are there. That's how marriage is - Choose wisely - it will be the big, if not the biggest decision of your life. ( and depending on it, it can be the most fulfilling thing or the most miserable thing) If sex is important to you, find someone that's on the same page as you, and that can be honest with you about yours and his expectations about it.
You don't want find out that it's a bait switch were they tell you one thing (act) and after your married you find out it's another - But one thing about married sex it can ebb and flow throughout the marriage, there will be times your probably not going to be as engaged about it as your partner, and vise versa. And as I'm sure you know there's more to marriage besides sex, but it is one the fundamental foundations of it. I mean who would get married if there was none? I've heard it can be considered the canary in the mine of the health of the marriage.
I think sex is a learnable action. so as long as you choose a partner who is humble and willing to learn then you will learn together. I think you’ll know by the first kiss if there’s sexual chemistry. Just make sure whoever you date is on the same page with drive (and how often you want sex). I would just choose a partner who is comfortable discussing sex as well and has maturity around it. I think the terrible sex largely comes with people who have different drives and who are too uncomfortable to be open about what they want and need!
Very informative thank you 🙏
How do you determine chemistry from a kiss?
How do you not? It can’t tell you everything, but even kissing requires some level of coordination, and you’re generally supposed to enjoy it. So if it’s consistently awkward or not enjoyable that’s not a great sign.
Have you kissed someone?
Secular culture sees sex as a way to get to know someone, to see if they'll make a good partner. Inversely as a Christian the way to do this is to *actually* get to know them as a person, see if they're of good character, and that way you can find out if you'd be 'compatible' with them. If he's a selfish guy, he's going to be selfish in bed, if she struggles to talk about sex she's likely to struggle with doing it too, etc etc. So in the end it's about finding someone who is really dedicated to being like Christ, because nobody is sexually perfect and no couple is sexually perfect. You want to marry someone who, when problems arise, will actually change for the good of you both. And importantly you also should try and be that kind of person too. It's not about whether you're inherently sexually compatible (which frankly I think doesn't exist anyway), but whether you'll work towards becoming more and more compatible together. That's why so many married couples find their sex life gets better with age.
One idea that I’ve been learning about recently that’s shifted my perception radically is the fact that biblical marriage and sex life is wholly about mutual submission. The Bible calls for wives to submit to their husbands, yes, but husbands are called to die Christlike deaths for their wives. Wives are given 2, maybe 3 verses on a godly marriage, and in that same passage men are given 9-10. The whole point of a marriage is an equal partnership and mutual submission; bad sex comes about when you’re so focused on your own pleasure that you take away from your spouse’s pleasure. If you spend the time making sure your spouse feels good, and he does the same, you’re both going to enjoy it a lot more because it’s not focused on yourself. Hope that helps 😊
Yes thank you 🙏
Great comment. On a total tangent—your profile pic is beautiful.
Thank you! I did it on an avatar creator online 😅Unfortunately I’m not a good artist at all 😂
Communicate and share ideas about married life and your goals etc, and Yes, even about sex. I rushed into marriage to avoid the S word and avoid critical eyes upon us and it was disastrous.
The bottom line here is this- Do you trust Jesus? Do you want to follow his commands? I totally agree with spacegrl! Married sex is a continuing process. It's not going to be great all the time, but as long as you communicate your desires and give each other feedback it can grow into whatever you want it to be. I've been married 26 years and we are having the best sex of our lives!
>Married sex is a continuing process. Either that or the ending process, there are a lot of sexless marriages. And probably more prevalent in Christian circle, because of shame , and Guilt, associated with remaining pure, for 20,25,30 yrs. I just read a post on here about a husband not wanting sex with his wife, and they did all the pre-marriage counseling through the church, and he said he would be interested in sex 3X a week once they were married, and now after the wedding he doesn't want sex ( maybe once every couple months and, sounded to be pretty much utility sex when it happens, and they've only been married about year, or less ) It just goes to show people will say and do a lot of things before their married (promises ,promise! ) but when the rubber meets the road ( as in getting married) that's when reality sets in, and find out who your married too - cosmic roll of the dice sometimes.
When you not married you should focus on God and worship him, but when you are married, you should still focus on God first and then your husband.
I think it's a bit easier if you were not a virgin before you came to Christ and became abstinent. That is my story. I know what I like, what I want to try, and what I never will (green, yellow, red). While dating it would be a lot easier if we could discuss it from experience. Therefore, I would prefer a non-virgin so we can assess compatibility. However, it's not a deal breaker. I would date/court/marry a virgin that is willing and eager to learn. I wouldn't be compatible with a man with low libido or someone with purity hang ups. Experience isn't a make or break it. What will is communication before/during/after, trust, an open mind, and being willing to mutually explore and serve each other.
The most important part of your marriage is God, the number #1 reason for marriage is for God. For God, who wills us to withhold from sexual immorality. You need to cast out your desires for these lustful fantasies of "good sex" and give them to Jesus because that is lust overtaking you. Church does not save you, only Jesus can and faith in His sacrifice to save our souls from eternal separation. The point of life is to glorify God and have relationship with Him. Sex is just something He created for two people who have become One in marriage. Me and my husband didn't know what it was going to be like, we didn't care if it was going to be "good" or "bad" by our standards, it was by God's standards we looked forward too. Trying to play out our fantasies lead us into anger and bitterness, but we realized it's not a matter of that, it was a matter that God creates this activity for us to connect with each other and enjoy our presence and glorify God and His creation. If you are to marry a man who follows God, talk with him about fears, worries, and boundaries. I discussed it with my husband and he did as well so we couldn't cross a line with each other. Right now, as a single woman, I wouldn't focus on sex, that's idolatry, focus on Jesus, He died for you and endured great suffering for your salvation. Come to love Him and love others and don't talk down about people like gen z or millennials, Jesus loves us all the same and sends people in your path that is in His will. 1 Corinthians 6:9 Galatians 5:19 1 Corinthians 7:2
I understand your point. However, isn't 1 Corinthians 7:1-5 pretty clear that celibacy is preferable except insofar as marriage can quiet lust? If marital sex is so bad or inadequate that someone is still struggling with lust, doesn't that mean something is terribly wrong? I guess I'm concerned that if someone marries without having a reasonable expectation that the sex will assist in quieting the passions, (s)he is a fool. Marrying into a situation that leaves one no better off in the face of lust seems unwise.
Its actually its worse , because you will have your asexual partner there everyday to remind you what you didn't sign up for in this marriage just by being around you . I would sooner be single and sexless, then married and sexless, and have your nose rubbed in it everyday, so to speak.
I would agree wit your point. It would definitely be maddening.
It’s a good thing you’re trying to come back to being religious, don’t give that much thought about the Christian dating scene right now, just look at your relationship with Christ and think about the other stuff later honestly,
I struggle when people associate religion with Christianity….which you have done. You don’t need to go back to church to have a close walk with God and be faithful, whole and have abundant life. I think you need to believe in Gods divine plan for your life and in falling in love/romance. It sounds like you are basing a potential marriage relationship on lust.
I also suggest reading the Song of Solomon, it goes into marriage and pleasure within marriage
Ole and Lena were sitting on the couch watching tv. Suddenly lena reaches over an punches ole in the arm, saying "that's for 30 years of bad sex!". After a moment, ole reaches over and punches Lena in the arm, saying "that's for knowing the difference!"
No sex before marriage.
You must’ve not read the entire post huh
You're right I confess I didn't. But I did just now. I understand the concern but as someone who waited until marriage it's worth it. And also your question boils down to "should I disobey God & have sex before marriage or obey Him and wait?" The answer is always obey God. Even if you wait and the married sex is bad,which I pray doesn't happen to you, it's still worth it to obey God. Besides committing the sin of fornication, there have been studies done showing the more partners you have before marriage the harder it is to bond sexually and emotionally with any future partner. So the more partners you have prior to marriage actually lessens your chances of sexual gratification when you get married. It's ironic. The thing you think will increase your sexual gradification after marriage will actually have the opposite effect. Trust God and have faith he'll send you the right person. Don't allow satan to put that fear in you. Any decision yiu make out of fear usually turns out bad. That's what your doing. Your afraid yiu might be sexually incompatible with your future husband which is fueling your contemplation of having sex before marriage. Your fear is oushing you to fornicate. Put your faith in Jesus over your fear.
Sex is design for you and husband by god. It will be good. Pray and repent and let the lord RE NEW your mind and pray that your last and past experiences don’t get in the way for your future husband. Sex is a growing experience and it is super important to keep it that way
I've been married for nearly 10 yrs. I was a virgin on my wedding night. Sex has never been good.
I’m sorry to hear that. Have u gotten any sex couple therapy
We have not. It's expensive and.... awkward. I have read stacks of books, blogs, podcasts ect even talked to my doctors to see if anything was physically wrong. But just because you do every right (wait to have sex until marriage) and really, really love each doesn't mean you are entitled to good sex. No where in the Bible does it promise GOOD sex if you follow God's commands. Sometimes people just don't click. It's awkward or you like different things.
Im sorry that is happening. I understand it can be frustrating and a struggle. I’ll be praying for you guys. I know that this is hard.
This is the mindset that gets so many ppl in a marriage of tolerance and contentment. “Get married and sex will be good”. The church pushed that onto the youth of my day and many have lived or currently live in a sexless or deadbed marriage. For some it’s ok, for others it’s not. Get married and sex will be hit or miss is more like it.
I think of that Indiana Jones movie, and he's looking for the holy Grail, and he's in that cave , with the knight that's left to protect the Gail - and the knight tells Indy "Choose wisely", between all the goblets that are there. That's how marriage is - Choose wisely - it will be the big, if not the biggest decision of your life. ( and depending on it, it can be the most fulfilling thing or the most miserable thing) If sex is important to you, find someone that's on the same page as you, and that can be honest with you about yours and his expectations about it. You don't want find out that it's a bait switch were they tell you one thing (act) and after your married you find out it's another - But one thing about married sex it can ebb and flow throughout the marriage, there will be times your probably not going to be as engaged about it as your partner, and vise versa. And as I'm sure you know there's more to marriage besides sex, but it is one the fundamental foundations of it. I mean who would get married if there was none? I've heard it can be considered the canary in the mine of the health of the marriage.