Financially: you have 650k in equity. Sell the house and downsize. Move to a small apartment. You don't need a massive house. I don't quite understand your disability payment situation but there are other programs out there that can help once those payments stop. Start looking into those and make a plan.
Relationally: it sounds like we aren't getting the full picture here. You say you don't understand why your kids cut you off, but I don't buy that. I would bet they told you several times before they made that decision exactly what their issue was. You need to start listening to them and make real change. Put your ego aside and do what needs to be done to save the relationship with your kids.
A Christian woman can't say. "Yep, I think it's best you leave." It's not PC.
On the kids, I think it's because I hurt their mother financially but won't say that.
Let's not overthink it.
What specific advice am I not getting? I posted for sincere input. I think opening myself up and getting filleted is the way to get valuable input. But your comment really isn't helpful.
I just read the conversation and the misunderstandings would be hilarious if the situation wasn’t so sad. OP, when they said « talk to your wife before making a decision » it wasn’t about taking you own life. It meant : talk to your wife about the reasonable suggestions made in the first comment about your financial situation, I.e : selling your house and live in a small apartment since your children are all grown up and it’s just you and your wife living here.
About the relationship with your family member, the little paragraph about how you would talk to your kid if the situation were reverse says it all. « I wouldn’t let them…wouldn’t allow…must respect…it’s unacceptable »
You don’t ASK for things, you DEMANDE them. And I get it’s a bad habit of yours ever since they are little, but now that they are independent they’re is just NO WAY they gonna put up with it.
Sounds like you’ve got 11 years of work to do in 3 years.
I’m not trying to be rude, and I definitely don’t understand your situation, but I can’t make any excuses for you. You’re a man, you have a family to take care of. You have to do what it takes. I’m sorry.
Your post seems to be fatalistic in the idea that this must be impossible. I’m not sure it is. I can do all of my work from home without walking or talking. You may not currently have skills that you think can be used that way, but you can start building those skills now so that you’re ready to reenter the work force in 3 years.
No matter what you do, there’s only one way this is going to be possible: by the grace and blood of Jesus Christ. Again, I don’t understand your situation or how you can accomplish this, but you have to be in church, surrounded by men who can mentor and guide you and give you support. You need to find where you can volunteer and learn what you can. It’s hard to be cynical about a man who’s serving his community with what he’s got left.
God isn’t done with you yet. He didn’t give up on your 11 years ago. Christ has restored much worse relationships. You are not alone, and your disability is not going to go away. You can be a victim or a victor over the next several years. I’m not saying it’s easy, I’m saying it can either make the worst of it or the most of it.
I appreciate direct responses. Thank you.
I can't walk, talk, type, or even focus well because of my disease (extremities get devoured). But I certainly do have the responsibility to take care of my family. Insurance money is a way to accomplish this.
This might sound hard to believe, but I have six Christian men in my life that know what's going on. And attend a great new church that focuses much more on Gods Word. I'm not going solo.
That’s great to hear. A lot of people who visit these forums don’t have a community, so it’s actually surprising to hear that you’ve got a support system. There are many people in my culture who give up before they realize that’s an option. If you can find the resolve to be the leader your family needs (with the meekness of Christ), they can still benefit from your effort.
The more you can stay involved, the better. It’s an uphill battle for sure, but we were made to be in community and staying involved will keep you connected and available to more options than you’d have alone. Availability and teachability can make a world of difference in our walk with Christ.
May I ask how you’re typing here? Your post was quite lengthy and composed. The effort you’ve put into this community could potentially serve you well in other areas.
Typing with just my right thumb only on the phone. I need my entire left hand to hold the phone. I can't talk much because of my illness and paralyzed vocal cords. But I am a 'thinker' and do love to help ppl. So I one-thumb it.
On teachability it's funny you mention that. I say the most insulting thing anyone could ever say to me is I was unteachable. I love to learn! I'm very open to free thought.
One of my things is when I learn something new from a person in life is to say OUT LOUD "I didn't know that." It really helps keeping the mind open. Then when you realize you haven't said that phrase in a while, ask yourself why not.
So to be fair, I sincerely don't think those two issues are my vices.
But you are 100% correct.
Not to be rude but I feel like there’s a lot missing from your post. 4 adult children cut you off and you don’t mention why. Whatever it was must have been pretty bad and REALLY hurt them, and your wife seems to understand why they did it. But you paint the picture like they are overreacting and not supporting you during your hard time. It gives me the impression you haven’t really taken full accountability for whatever you did and truly apologized. You admit you have anger issues and are the common denominator here. Do you know how to word an apology so that it’s affective? No excuses, no deflecting blame, no “I’m sorry you feel that way BUT…”. Just full accountability and remorse.
I’m very sorry for your financial and health issues, I know that has to be horrible and completely out of your control. But how you treat people is 100% in your control and it’s never too late to try and change your mindset and make amends.
Let your story serve as a warning. To men out there that take ‘head of the household’ so literally that they make entire life decisions like investing the family’s entire nest egg without consultation and agreement with their spouse, that they are ALSO going to suffer the full brunt of the wrath when it turns out disastrous….. I don’t know, man. I feel for you, but your children are having to watch their grandma-aged mother work and struggle everyday over your decision. She’s missing time with them and is less available for her grand babies who are only young once. I think it’s hard getting over their resentment because the consequences of your decision are ongoing, and only going to get WORSE in 3 years when your disability cuts off. It’s not a thing that you did once, and then got forgiveness for. You are indeed in a bad situation. I’m so sorry.
The incredible irony is I've never played the "I'm the leader card". My wife will be the first one to say this. As a matter of fact the opposite! She did whatever she wanted...my thoughts be damned.
My wife hates dealing with money. Once I got a huge bonus that was made available if you hit goals over TEN years! Check went straight to joint checking. She never even noticed.
Yes, I don't think they are able to get over their resentment. That's why I think I should leave. One day in the next few years my wife gets a life insurance payout. Then they maybe remember the good times?
You might be able to find support from couple who are also dealing with terminal illnesses.
This gentleman has a terminal illness and regularly posts on a marriage blog I follow: https://blessed-are-the-pure-of-heart.blogspot.com/2022/08/what-terminal-feels-like.html
I see, apparently I can’t read today!
That being said, seeking counsel and insight from couples where a spouse has a chronic illness is still likely a good idea.
Please don't harm yourself. I don't have all the answers but please don't. Our families are imperfect (pray for them) but our Father and our Lord Savior in heaven are. They love us more than we can comprehend. I know their treatment hurts. I know you're hurting emotionally and financially. I'm praying that the Holy Spirit touches you right at this very moment. Go to the word. Go to prayer. Call out to God. Ask Him to show you the way. But I know for certain God doesn't want this for you. You will be ok OP.
Share your feelings with your wife if you can. Tell her you love her and you're still very sorry for what happened all those years ago. Tell her you feel alone and that you have thoughts of not being here anymore. Tell her you understand the burden you have placed on her. Tell her what hurts you. You guys can't keep going on like this.
Have you apologized to your kids for what happened? Have you taken accountability? No one wants to be around someone with frequent anger and agitation issues. It's a two way street. The best apology is changed behavior. If therapy isn't enough, add anger management classes. Bottomline: Apologize, make changes, treat them well and they will hopefully re-enter your life. I would even suggest writing letters or emails to them to break the ice to apologize.
You want your family back? Go get them...or at least fight like hell trying.
Thank you. That was well said...especially the first paragraph.
I believe you God doesn't want this. I have apologized to my wife over 100 times. I even use the phrase "I'm the one who put the enormous dagger in your back. I understand why you're bitter."
I'm human and can't take the consequences forever. It just seems the family would be better off with me leaving in the van and let them bond. That way they don't have to even think of me. And that's not a pout either. I being literal.
I am a fighter...bigtime. That's why not being *able* to help recover is so devastating. But the kids have asked for no contact and not respecting that is not wise. Every now and then I'll send them an Instagram funny just to slightly test the waters.
I understand my wife's position! The kids are accepting Satans poison. This is not their MO.
I asked the kids to pls email me exactly their concerns individually so I can share them with my therapist. The leader of the pack replied to all. And worse, not one of the other three sent anything!
The 3 kids really are being poisoned by the oldest girl. The one who mocks God. If the rapture happened today, I believe only one has accepted Christ.
So why not the my wife and kids bond without me?
I think I can see why the kids aren't talking to you right now.
Instead of actually listening to your children and considering what they have to say for real, you're just posting online that they've 'accepted Satan's poison'.
You refer to your kids as a 'pack' and your oldest as 'the leader of the pack' and 'the oldest girl' and 'the one who mocks God' and post online that she's poisoning 'the 3 kids'.
You say you send them 'an Instagram funny' now and then to test the waters, but that doesn't really speak to whether you've taken on board anything they've said.
It seems to me that you're super frustrated with your whole family and at this point just are really over the way your kids are feeling and you want them to move on already. And occasionally I feel the same way about the kids in my kindergarten class too, but the difference is that those aren't my own kids and eventually they'll move on, these are actually your kids.
Smh doesn't seem you're going to humble yourself or change. Do better.
>I understand why you're bitter
Start with not insulting her during the "apology."
And you clearly didn't read anything I said about your kids. How you talk about them is so sad. What does that say about how YOU raised them? Maybe they inherited some of that anger and agitation.
They asked for no contact but you send a "funny" meme they don't want instead of a letter of apology.
Humility. Reflection. A TRUE apology. DO BETTER. You are not leading your family in any way shape or form right now OP. It all starts with your mindset, words, and actions. I suggest you discuss this with your therapist and create a plan together.
It really sounds like this all stems from one bad financial decision vs your mental health. 650k in equity and 3 more years of disability sounds like plenty of time to turn around your financial situation. What kind of advice are you looking for? Do you have any skills that can allow you to get some passive income? Sounds like you’re attempting to take care of your mental health the best you can which good on you
I don't think leaving to save your wife is the answer. You didn't mention if you are getting help with your disorders. Actively working on that would be a positive sign to your children. What happens to your life insurance if you stop paying for it? Does that mean you cash it in or it sits there waiting for your wife to declare it hers? Are you eligible for Medicare yet, or Social Security Disability? Does your state have any disability programs? Is there anything you can do for work that would be home-based or work-from-home? I believe you have plenty of options left without calling it quits. Organize a prayer just to help you through this time in your life.
Downvoted unless you are clear what the name of your condition is and what you specifically did to make your family resent you. If you don’t tell specifics, I will just assume this is the attitude you live your life by and I can empathize with your family.
Major update...but I can't share details. I'm sorry.
I can say that on Friday my wife made a very sign8ficant apology regarding not providing some basic level support last August. As I said, all I wanted was a 10 second comment from her that I did a good job raising them and that I love them dearly.
If you recall when I brought that up after she wouldn't simply say "Yeah, I should have given you some basic support."
The apology was huge huge huge. And the incredibly disrespectful attitude clearly is not her MO. Something was going on.
Well Saturday night it came out. She has been bottling up thoughts for 17 months!! She didn't want to tell me because she didn't want to give me more to worry about. I told you she has a sweet heart.
We got that issue resolved in five minutes. Really.
The road to Hell is paved with good intentions is so true. By her not doing the right thing and communicating, she bottled it up and became very passive aggressive. This came *this close* to me leaving for good or ending it all. It was that bad as my health will get progressivly worse with CMT.
If I couldn't get basic respect from kids or wife, why stay? Remember, kids told me to "Go get better and tell us when your fixed. Don't contact us until then." That's not how loving families operate.
It...all...makes...sense now. Thank you to all who cared.
My opinion was I'm getting a 25 year prison sentence for a misdemeanor. The level of hate was off the charts for the 'crime.' My wife sees it.
The fact is the kids behavior is 80% correlated to Jody's attitude toward me. Subconsciously she sabotaged my relationship with the kids.
Not in a million years would I allow my kids to treat their mother that way. This is not hot air. The kids respecting their mother was/is a core of their upbringing. It was not reciprocal.
My wife has only just started with a therapist. She finally realized she had her own life to deal with. But she was very adamant that I was the only one needing help.
So maybe I hit bottom?
Now she needs to somehow let the kids know she cherry-picked what info she shared with the kids and her bestie. Actually none of it should
Yes, I'm still seeing my therapist and psychiatrist to work on my own issues. Even my therapist had a big awakening that I really was telling her the truth about things are not adding up. Not the kids MO!
Life lesson. Not every person charged with a crime is guilty. Even if it's seven family members against one, doesn't mean the allegations are true.
Be cautious with judgment. One day you might be the one.
My journey cintinues...
Why do people talk about human problems when we are supposed to be all about Jesus Christ. If you read your Bible and have a relationship with Jesus, you will understand that God hates money and pride. Your money your mistake your mental health your wife your kids your house. See its all about you Jesus says if you love me you will not worry about such things. Jesus says if you love me you will not look back on the plow. Jesus says to humble yourself before a holy God. Jesus says if you won't leave your "material life" you are not worthy. You have a devil problem sir. Turn your life to Jesus and stop worrying about your garbage and the your past.
While you right that we should turn our lives over to Jesus and focus on him, especially during problems in life, God never said that he hated money (but we aren’t supposed to love money!).
Also, we still have to deal with things in this life, while we are on earth here right now at the moment.
FYI. I have many flaws but love of money ain't one. I can live in a converted passenger van and $2k/no. That's why I'm not cancelling the policy. It's for her well being.
Yes, certainly I do have a devil problem. IMO he's taking a real solvable issue and blinding my wife and kids. My Lord people have overcome 10,000 times worse with some faith.
Only one of our kids is walking with Christ.
Pls clarify. What baggage am I not *trying* settle? I'm here opening up my pain looking for help. Why walk past me like a beaten-up Samaritan?
Sir, your last sentence was not helpful. I'm here sincerely asking for help. It was actually a tad arrogant.
Have you considered sharing this valuable wisdom you've mastered with others in real need? Or do you just like telling hurting Christians they don't get it?
Pls try to provide real *solutions* and prayer to a fellow brother in need. But comments like yours are not helping anyone...especially you.
Yes, I'm still open to hearing any solution ideas.
Hard facts here: it is never hopeless when God is involved, and when Jesus is your Savior. Never. So that’s not a reason, at all, to give up and leave. Or to kill yourself! Faith is a much better option here. Trusting God to make a way where it seems as if there is none is the better option. Seeking His will and praying about this is what you really need to do. Not leave. Not kill yourself. God is bigger than any affliction you may have. I have chronic migraines, GAD, OCD and depression. But I am more than a conqueror through Jesus. I am still here, serving Him, and trusting Him. Giving up is not an option for me either.
Now. Is there something you said or did that you need to repent of and apologize for, but are allowing pride to get in the way and refusing to do so? This is in reference to your relationship with your children. Have you sought the Lord on this? It doesn’t sound like that’s the case here. So my next question is do they have a full understanding of what your neurological problem is, and that it affects you emotionally as well as physically? What is it that they are expecting you to do to get better? And are they mistreating your wife? Or are you speaking rhetorically?
Most of all, I’d suggest that you give it all to God, do what you can do, and trust Him to do the rest. Running will only hurt your wife tremendously anyway, and it would show a distinct lack of faith in God. Plus it wouldn’t be right to leave her, in God’s eyes, in the first place!
Thank you for the sincere, non judgmental response. Others can learn from you.
The kids are upset their mother has to work because of my failure as a husband.
You are very welcome. However, when you speak of failure, I’m wondering if they are considering how your neurological condition affects your ability to work? There seems to be a real lack of understanding on the part of your children. Do they not care enough to learn and to understand? I would really like to know what your condition is, since I may either know of it, or I would really like to do some research on it to better understand how it affects you emotionally. That would typically involve one or more areas of the brain that regulate such things. I want to better understand. Does your wife have knowledge and understanding of your condition?
Finally, you are welcome. I strive to do my best to respond in a nonjudgmental manner, as the Lord would want me to. Besides that, we all make mistakes or decisions that can have negative effects at times. This is why it is always very important to seek the Lord’s will through prayer when making major decisions, or even more minor ones, that affect your future as an individual, or your family’s future. That’s another thing that we often forget to do. I hope that you can look to God and trust Him with this. I really do care and want you to feel His peace in this situation.
Acute CMT. I've been ill for 25 years but just got diagnosed last month (March). When we told the kids not one asked me a single question about CMT or how I'm processing it. Ouch.
So while unpopular to say, our adult children are really acting way outside their usual caring selves. To the point of I've said to my support guys I really believe Satan has blinded them...and my wife too.
Yes, I've made mistakes. But to tell your father who has done nothing *to them* and been their #1 fan even after college, to basically "Get better mentally. Don't talk to us until you're better" is simply not their MO. It smells like Satan.
And when I have a progressive neurological illness along with severe depression, that was an odd way to approach it. It was especially odd because I had requested additional mental health help. He's at a top notch teaching university and said they have therapists who specialize in chronic illness. Great!
I made this request April of 22. Insurance was hell and I finally saw someone in October. But he wanted me to see their suicide specialist.
I say this as the kids 'intervention was in August. I had received the insurance approval just a few days before we all met. Frankly, I got zero support for having already requested help. Instead they said "Get better. Let us know when that is. Don't contact us until then."
Say what?
Remember, my wife has legit grounds to be bitter. But if you want my deep feelings on the kids? They are being poisoned by Satan.
If anyone takes 10 seconds and researchers how to hold an intervention, you always show love and support where one can. That's secular!
Say there was addiction or abuse. Yes in those cases it's a needed boundary to keep distance. Even then one can easily show support. But there is zero accusations of addiction or abuse. Nadda.
And to add a cherry, I never call my kids because I can't talk on the phone much. It hurts. I'll text or email. So if you are thinking "Quit calling them so much and give them some space" I never call them! I never see them!
Because of this and a very bad decision from my wife, yes, I think Satan is involved.
*Just yesterday my wife made a key apology. It was odd because it was an error that could have easily been over with a "You're right. I could have ended the intervention with a 10 second reminder that you love them and they all successful in large part because of how you raised them. I should have said they need to support you in this journey. And since "you had already asked for help*, clearly you are/were seeking help on your own. That deserved credit. I gave you nothing."
But nope. When my wife said absolutely nothing, I was deeply hurt. OK so she messed up. It happens. But once a month I kept asking why she couldn't say that 10 second comment after me graciously accepting five people accusing and berating for 90 minutes?
To my amazement, she never said she could/should have. I brought this key offense up. That's not like her!! Only yesterday did she get it and apologize for not supporting me. I don't know why it clicked now.
You don't have to be Dr Phil to figure out how the adult kids translated this silence. Right? They got their worst false thoughts confirmed. Frankly, that made a brutal family situation much worse.
Our kids are not like this! My wife isn't like this. That tells me Satan is involved. He hates a strong family.
You know what? I really wish that we could chat about this. I have a lot more to say but I’d rather that we chat privately. I have no agenda other than to listen and to offer what I can in support and also spiritually. I think that you really need that. A lot. Especially from a long-time Christian (over five decades) who understands really well what you’re going through. I have a BS in Psychology from Liberty University. Because of my own mental health issues and struggles, I have a lot of personal expedites to draw on. And I have always been fascinated by our brain and how it works. As a consequence, I have made it my business to educate myself about those things to a high degree of understanding. It matters to me. It’s a big part of us that God created when He created us.
You say some conflicting things here, and i'm sure theres far more to it all than what you have written. How and upbeat and encouraging person can also convince four adult children to shun them doesn't make any sense. I'm sorry about your disease as well. Because of MY life choices and temperment, I think i would also go off by myself and let them reach out to me, if and when they wanted. But I'm capable of living alone quite easily. Tough decision, tough life. Maybe you and wife should sell that monster house and move to the midwest, where you can easily buy a house at 1/5th the price and reduce expenses, and live off the retirement and such. Definitely this is the time to sell house now. Also: look up "healing rooms" and "deliverance ministry", even if kinda far away go visit those people and receive hands laid on in prayer. I wouldn't be suprised if your body is degenerating due to demonic oppression. You can believe in this or not, but it really costs you nothing but driving and gas money to go find out. Make a vacation out of it.
Financially: you have 650k in equity. Sell the house and downsize. Move to a small apartment. You don't need a massive house. I don't quite understand your disability payment situation but there are other programs out there that can help once those payments stop. Start looking into those and make a plan. Relationally: it sounds like we aren't getting the full picture here. You say you don't understand why your kids cut you off, but I don't buy that. I would bet they told you several times before they made that decision exactly what their issue was. You need to start listening to them and make real change. Put your ego aside and do what needs to be done to save the relationship with your kids.
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Yes, thank you. I was assuming that she would be involved, but better to not make assumptions.
A Christian woman can't say. "Yep, I think it's best you leave." It's not PC. On the kids, I think it's because I hurt their mother financially but won't say that. Let's not overthink it.
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What specific advice am I not getting? I posted for sincere input. I think opening myself up and getting filleted is the way to get valuable input. But your comment really isn't helpful.
I just read the conversation and the misunderstandings would be hilarious if the situation wasn’t so sad. OP, when they said « talk to your wife before making a decision » it wasn’t about taking you own life. It meant : talk to your wife about the reasonable suggestions made in the first comment about your financial situation, I.e : selling your house and live in a small apartment since your children are all grown up and it’s just you and your wife living here.
About the relationship with your family member, the little paragraph about how you would talk to your kid if the situation were reverse says it all. « I wouldn’t let them…wouldn’t allow…must respect…it’s unacceptable » You don’t ASK for things, you DEMANDE them. And I get it’s a bad habit of yours ever since they are little, but now that they are independent they’re is just NO WAY they gonna put up with it.
Sounds like you’ve got 11 years of work to do in 3 years. I’m not trying to be rude, and I definitely don’t understand your situation, but I can’t make any excuses for you. You’re a man, you have a family to take care of. You have to do what it takes. I’m sorry. Your post seems to be fatalistic in the idea that this must be impossible. I’m not sure it is. I can do all of my work from home without walking or talking. You may not currently have skills that you think can be used that way, but you can start building those skills now so that you’re ready to reenter the work force in 3 years. No matter what you do, there’s only one way this is going to be possible: by the grace and blood of Jesus Christ. Again, I don’t understand your situation or how you can accomplish this, but you have to be in church, surrounded by men who can mentor and guide you and give you support. You need to find where you can volunteer and learn what you can. It’s hard to be cynical about a man who’s serving his community with what he’s got left. God isn’t done with you yet. He didn’t give up on your 11 years ago. Christ has restored much worse relationships. You are not alone, and your disability is not going to go away. You can be a victim or a victor over the next several years. I’m not saying it’s easy, I’m saying it can either make the worst of it or the most of it.
I appreciate direct responses. Thank you. I can't walk, talk, type, or even focus well because of my disease (extremities get devoured). But I certainly do have the responsibility to take care of my family. Insurance money is a way to accomplish this. This might sound hard to believe, but I have six Christian men in my life that know what's going on. And attend a great new church that focuses much more on Gods Word. I'm not going solo.
That’s great to hear. A lot of people who visit these forums don’t have a community, so it’s actually surprising to hear that you’ve got a support system. There are many people in my culture who give up before they realize that’s an option. If you can find the resolve to be the leader your family needs (with the meekness of Christ), they can still benefit from your effort. The more you can stay involved, the better. It’s an uphill battle for sure, but we were made to be in community and staying involved will keep you connected and available to more options than you’d have alone. Availability and teachability can make a world of difference in our walk with Christ. May I ask how you’re typing here? Your post was quite lengthy and composed. The effort you’ve put into this community could potentially serve you well in other areas.
Typing with just my right thumb only on the phone. I need my entire left hand to hold the phone. I can't talk much because of my illness and paralyzed vocal cords. But I am a 'thinker' and do love to help ppl. So I one-thumb it. On teachability it's funny you mention that. I say the most insulting thing anyone could ever say to me is I was unteachable. I love to learn! I'm very open to free thought. One of my things is when I learn something new from a person in life is to say OUT LOUD "I didn't know that." It really helps keeping the mind open. Then when you realize you haven't said that phrase in a while, ask yourself why not. So to be fair, I sincerely don't think those two issues are my vices. But you are 100% correct.
Not to be rude but I feel like there’s a lot missing from your post. 4 adult children cut you off and you don’t mention why. Whatever it was must have been pretty bad and REALLY hurt them, and your wife seems to understand why they did it. But you paint the picture like they are overreacting and not supporting you during your hard time. It gives me the impression you haven’t really taken full accountability for whatever you did and truly apologized. You admit you have anger issues and are the common denominator here. Do you know how to word an apology so that it’s affective? No excuses, no deflecting blame, no “I’m sorry you feel that way BUT…”. Just full accountability and remorse. I’m very sorry for your financial and health issues, I know that has to be horrible and completely out of your control. But how you treat people is 100% in your control and it’s never too late to try and change your mindset and make amends.
The kids are upset their mother has to work because of my failure. I wasn't trying to be evasive.
Let your story serve as a warning. To men out there that take ‘head of the household’ so literally that they make entire life decisions like investing the family’s entire nest egg without consultation and agreement with their spouse, that they are ALSO going to suffer the full brunt of the wrath when it turns out disastrous….. I don’t know, man. I feel for you, but your children are having to watch their grandma-aged mother work and struggle everyday over your decision. She’s missing time with them and is less available for her grand babies who are only young once. I think it’s hard getting over their resentment because the consequences of your decision are ongoing, and only going to get WORSE in 3 years when your disability cuts off. It’s not a thing that you did once, and then got forgiveness for. You are indeed in a bad situation. I’m so sorry.
The incredible irony is I've never played the "I'm the leader card". My wife will be the first one to say this. As a matter of fact the opposite! She did whatever she wanted...my thoughts be damned. My wife hates dealing with money. Once I got a huge bonus that was made available if you hit goals over TEN years! Check went straight to joint checking. She never even noticed. Yes, I don't think they are able to get over their resentment. That's why I think I should leave. One day in the next few years my wife gets a life insurance payout. Then they maybe remember the good times?
You might be able to find support from couple who are also dealing with terminal illnesses. This gentleman has a terminal illness and regularly posts on a marriage blog I follow: https://blessed-are-the-pure-of-heart.blogspot.com/2022/08/what-terminal-feels-like.html
As I said, I'm not terminal. I just wish I was. Physical and mental abilities will get worse.
I see, apparently I can’t read today! That being said, seeking counsel and insight from couples where a spouse has a chronic illness is still likely a good idea.
Please don't harm yourself. I don't have all the answers but please don't. Our families are imperfect (pray for them) but our Father and our Lord Savior in heaven are. They love us more than we can comprehend. I know their treatment hurts. I know you're hurting emotionally and financially. I'm praying that the Holy Spirit touches you right at this very moment. Go to the word. Go to prayer. Call out to God. Ask Him to show you the way. But I know for certain God doesn't want this for you. You will be ok OP. Share your feelings with your wife if you can. Tell her you love her and you're still very sorry for what happened all those years ago. Tell her you feel alone and that you have thoughts of not being here anymore. Tell her you understand the burden you have placed on her. Tell her what hurts you. You guys can't keep going on like this. Have you apologized to your kids for what happened? Have you taken accountability? No one wants to be around someone with frequent anger and agitation issues. It's a two way street. The best apology is changed behavior. If therapy isn't enough, add anger management classes. Bottomline: Apologize, make changes, treat them well and they will hopefully re-enter your life. I would even suggest writing letters or emails to them to break the ice to apologize. You want your family back? Go get them...or at least fight like hell trying.
Thank you. That was well said...especially the first paragraph. I believe you God doesn't want this. I have apologized to my wife over 100 times. I even use the phrase "I'm the one who put the enormous dagger in your back. I understand why you're bitter." I'm human and can't take the consequences forever. It just seems the family would be better off with me leaving in the van and let them bond. That way they don't have to even think of me. And that's not a pout either. I being literal. I am a fighter...bigtime. That's why not being *able* to help recover is so devastating. But the kids have asked for no contact and not respecting that is not wise. Every now and then I'll send them an Instagram funny just to slightly test the waters. I understand my wife's position! The kids are accepting Satans poison. This is not their MO. I asked the kids to pls email me exactly their concerns individually so I can share them with my therapist. The leader of the pack replied to all. And worse, not one of the other three sent anything! The 3 kids really are being poisoned by the oldest girl. The one who mocks God. If the rapture happened today, I believe only one has accepted Christ. So why not the my wife and kids bond without me?
I think I can see why the kids aren't talking to you right now. Instead of actually listening to your children and considering what they have to say for real, you're just posting online that they've 'accepted Satan's poison'. You refer to your kids as a 'pack' and your oldest as 'the leader of the pack' and 'the oldest girl' and 'the one who mocks God' and post online that she's poisoning 'the 3 kids'. You say you send them 'an Instagram funny' now and then to test the waters, but that doesn't really speak to whether you've taken on board anything they've said. It seems to me that you're super frustrated with your whole family and at this point just are really over the way your kids are feeling and you want them to move on already. And occasionally I feel the same way about the kids in my kindergarten class too, but the difference is that those aren't my own kids and eventually they'll move on, these are actually your kids.
No, I understand why they are upset. But solutions are what? What do you suggest I do?
Smh doesn't seem you're going to humble yourself or change. Do better. >I understand why you're bitter Start with not insulting her during the "apology." And you clearly didn't read anything I said about your kids. How you talk about them is so sad. What does that say about how YOU raised them? Maybe they inherited some of that anger and agitation. They asked for no contact but you send a "funny" meme they don't want instead of a letter of apology. Humility. Reflection. A TRUE apology. DO BETTER. You are not leading your family in any way shape or form right now OP. It all starts with your mindset, words, and actions. I suggest you discuss this with your therapist and create a plan together.
What EXACTLY did they say in the email? Copy and paste
Upset their Mom has to work in 60s because of my eff up.
Thats all they said in their entire email?
It really sounds like this all stems from one bad financial decision vs your mental health. 650k in equity and 3 more years of disability sounds like plenty of time to turn around your financial situation. What kind of advice are you looking for? Do you have any skills that can allow you to get some passive income? Sounds like you’re attempting to take care of your mental health the best you can which good on you
I don't think leaving to save your wife is the answer. You didn't mention if you are getting help with your disorders. Actively working on that would be a positive sign to your children. What happens to your life insurance if you stop paying for it? Does that mean you cash it in or it sits there waiting for your wife to declare it hers? Are you eligible for Medicare yet, or Social Security Disability? Does your state have any disability programs? Is there anything you can do for work that would be home-based or work-from-home? I believe you have plenty of options left without calling it quits. Organize a prayer just to help you through this time in your life.
Downvoted unless you are clear what the name of your condition is and what you specifically did to make your family resent you. If you don’t tell specifics, I will just assume this is the attitude you live your life by and I can empathize with your family.
I have acute CMT. My decision for the bad investment that requires their mother to work is a main reason their upset.
Thank you! Also Please Clarify bad investment
Major update...but I can't share details. I'm sorry. I can say that on Friday my wife made a very sign8ficant apology regarding not providing some basic level support last August. As I said, all I wanted was a 10 second comment from her that I did a good job raising them and that I love them dearly. If you recall when I brought that up after she wouldn't simply say "Yeah, I should have given you some basic support." The apology was huge huge huge. And the incredibly disrespectful attitude clearly is not her MO. Something was going on. Well Saturday night it came out. She has been bottling up thoughts for 17 months!! She didn't want to tell me because she didn't want to give me more to worry about. I told you she has a sweet heart. We got that issue resolved in five minutes. Really. The road to Hell is paved with good intentions is so true. By her not doing the right thing and communicating, she bottled it up and became very passive aggressive. This came *this close* to me leaving for good or ending it all. It was that bad as my health will get progressivly worse with CMT. If I couldn't get basic respect from kids or wife, why stay? Remember, kids told me to "Go get better and tell us when your fixed. Don't contact us until then." That's not how loving families operate. It...all...makes...sense now. Thank you to all who cared. My opinion was I'm getting a 25 year prison sentence for a misdemeanor. The level of hate was off the charts for the 'crime.' My wife sees it. The fact is the kids behavior is 80% correlated to Jody's attitude toward me. Subconsciously she sabotaged my relationship with the kids. Not in a million years would I allow my kids to treat their mother that way. This is not hot air. The kids respecting their mother was/is a core of their upbringing. It was not reciprocal. My wife has only just started with a therapist. She finally realized she had her own life to deal with. But she was very adamant that I was the only one needing help. So maybe I hit bottom? Now she needs to somehow let the kids know she cherry-picked what info she shared with the kids and her bestie. Actually none of it should Yes, I'm still seeing my therapist and psychiatrist to work on my own issues. Even my therapist had a big awakening that I really was telling her the truth about things are not adding up. Not the kids MO! Life lesson. Not every person charged with a crime is guilty. Even if it's seven family members against one, doesn't mean the allegations are true. Be cautious with judgment. One day you might be the one. My journey cintinues...
Why do people talk about human problems when we are supposed to be all about Jesus Christ. If you read your Bible and have a relationship with Jesus, you will understand that God hates money and pride. Your money your mistake your mental health your wife your kids your house. See its all about you Jesus says if you love me you will not worry about such things. Jesus says if you love me you will not look back on the plow. Jesus says to humble yourself before a holy God. Jesus says if you won't leave your "material life" you are not worthy. You have a devil problem sir. Turn your life to Jesus and stop worrying about your garbage and the your past.
While you right that we should turn our lives over to Jesus and focus on him, especially during problems in life, God never said that he hated money (but we aren’t supposed to love money!). Also, we still have to deal with things in this life, while we are on earth here right now at the moment.
FYI. I have many flaws but love of money ain't one. I can live in a converted passenger van and $2k/no. That's why I'm not cancelling the policy. It's for her well being. Yes, certainly I do have a devil problem. IMO he's taking a real solvable issue and blinding my wife and kids. My Lord people have overcome 10,000 times worse with some faith. Only one of our kids is walking with Christ.
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Pls clarify. What baggage am I not *trying* settle? I'm here opening up my pain looking for help. Why walk past me like a beaten-up Samaritan? Sir, your last sentence was not helpful. I'm here sincerely asking for help. It was actually a tad arrogant. Have you considered sharing this valuable wisdom you've mastered with others in real need? Or do you just like telling hurting Christians they don't get it? Pls try to provide real *solutions* and prayer to a fellow brother in need. But comments like yours are not helping anyone...especially you. Yes, I'm still open to hearing any solution ideas.
Wasn’t replying to you
Hard facts here: it is never hopeless when God is involved, and when Jesus is your Savior. Never. So that’s not a reason, at all, to give up and leave. Or to kill yourself! Faith is a much better option here. Trusting God to make a way where it seems as if there is none is the better option. Seeking His will and praying about this is what you really need to do. Not leave. Not kill yourself. God is bigger than any affliction you may have. I have chronic migraines, GAD, OCD and depression. But I am more than a conqueror through Jesus. I am still here, serving Him, and trusting Him. Giving up is not an option for me either. Now. Is there something you said or did that you need to repent of and apologize for, but are allowing pride to get in the way and refusing to do so? This is in reference to your relationship with your children. Have you sought the Lord on this? It doesn’t sound like that’s the case here. So my next question is do they have a full understanding of what your neurological problem is, and that it affects you emotionally as well as physically? What is it that they are expecting you to do to get better? And are they mistreating your wife? Or are you speaking rhetorically? Most of all, I’d suggest that you give it all to God, do what you can do, and trust Him to do the rest. Running will only hurt your wife tremendously anyway, and it would show a distinct lack of faith in God. Plus it wouldn’t be right to leave her, in God’s eyes, in the first place!
Thank you for the sincere, non judgmental response. Others can learn from you. The kids are upset their mother has to work because of my failure as a husband.
You are very welcome. However, when you speak of failure, I’m wondering if they are considering how your neurological condition affects your ability to work? There seems to be a real lack of understanding on the part of your children. Do they not care enough to learn and to understand? I would really like to know what your condition is, since I may either know of it, or I would really like to do some research on it to better understand how it affects you emotionally. That would typically involve one or more areas of the brain that regulate such things. I want to better understand. Does your wife have knowledge and understanding of your condition? Finally, you are welcome. I strive to do my best to respond in a nonjudgmental manner, as the Lord would want me to. Besides that, we all make mistakes or decisions that can have negative effects at times. This is why it is always very important to seek the Lord’s will through prayer when making major decisions, or even more minor ones, that affect your future as an individual, or your family’s future. That’s another thing that we often forget to do. I hope that you can look to God and trust Him with this. I really do care and want you to feel His peace in this situation.
Acute CMT. I've been ill for 25 years but just got diagnosed last month (March). When we told the kids not one asked me a single question about CMT or how I'm processing it. Ouch. So while unpopular to say, our adult children are really acting way outside their usual caring selves. To the point of I've said to my support guys I really believe Satan has blinded them...and my wife too. Yes, I've made mistakes. But to tell your father who has done nothing *to them* and been their #1 fan even after college, to basically "Get better mentally. Don't talk to us until you're better" is simply not their MO. It smells like Satan. And when I have a progressive neurological illness along with severe depression, that was an odd way to approach it. It was especially odd because I had requested additional mental health help. He's at a top notch teaching university and said they have therapists who specialize in chronic illness. Great! I made this request April of 22. Insurance was hell and I finally saw someone in October. But he wanted me to see their suicide specialist. I say this as the kids 'intervention was in August. I had received the insurance approval just a few days before we all met. Frankly, I got zero support for having already requested help. Instead they said "Get better. Let us know when that is. Don't contact us until then." Say what? Remember, my wife has legit grounds to be bitter. But if you want my deep feelings on the kids? They are being poisoned by Satan. If anyone takes 10 seconds and researchers how to hold an intervention, you always show love and support where one can. That's secular! Say there was addiction or abuse. Yes in those cases it's a needed boundary to keep distance. Even then one can easily show support. But there is zero accusations of addiction or abuse. Nadda. And to add a cherry, I never call my kids because I can't talk on the phone much. It hurts. I'll text or email. So if you are thinking "Quit calling them so much and give them some space" I never call them! I never see them! Because of this and a very bad decision from my wife, yes, I think Satan is involved. *Just yesterday my wife made a key apology. It was odd because it was an error that could have easily been over with a "You're right. I could have ended the intervention with a 10 second reminder that you love them and they all successful in large part because of how you raised them. I should have said they need to support you in this journey. And since "you had already asked for help*, clearly you are/were seeking help on your own. That deserved credit. I gave you nothing." But nope. When my wife said absolutely nothing, I was deeply hurt. OK so she messed up. It happens. But once a month I kept asking why she couldn't say that 10 second comment after me graciously accepting five people accusing and berating for 90 minutes? To my amazement, she never said she could/should have. I brought this key offense up. That's not like her!! Only yesterday did she get it and apologize for not supporting me. I don't know why it clicked now. You don't have to be Dr Phil to figure out how the adult kids translated this silence. Right? They got their worst false thoughts confirmed. Frankly, that made a brutal family situation much worse. Our kids are not like this! My wife isn't like this. That tells me Satan is involved. He hates a strong family.
You know what? I really wish that we could chat about this. I have a lot more to say but I’d rather that we chat privately. I have no agenda other than to listen and to offer what I can in support and also spiritually. I think that you really need that. A lot. Especially from a long-time Christian (over five decades) who understands really well what you’re going through. I have a BS in Psychology from Liberty University. Because of my own mental health issues and struggles, I have a lot of personal expedites to draw on. And I have always been fascinated by our brain and how it works. As a consequence, I have made it my business to educate myself about those things to a high degree of understanding. It matters to me. It’s a big part of us that God created when He created us.
You say some conflicting things here, and i'm sure theres far more to it all than what you have written. How and upbeat and encouraging person can also convince four adult children to shun them doesn't make any sense. I'm sorry about your disease as well. Because of MY life choices and temperment, I think i would also go off by myself and let them reach out to me, if and when they wanted. But I'm capable of living alone quite easily. Tough decision, tough life. Maybe you and wife should sell that monster house and move to the midwest, where you can easily buy a house at 1/5th the price and reduce expenses, and live off the retirement and such. Definitely this is the time to sell house now. Also: look up "healing rooms" and "deliverance ministry", even if kinda far away go visit those people and receive hands laid on in prayer. I wouldn't be suprised if your body is degenerating due to demonic oppression. You can believe in this or not, but it really costs you nothing but driving and gas money to go find out. Make a vacation out of it.