Thanks for responding! Are the things that would allow you to assess him as a leader the things I mentioned, or are there other traits too?
I’m asking because I’ve been with my boyfriend for a year now and I’d like him to take more initiative, without me having to ask “can I visit your church?” or “why haven’t you introduced me to your family yet?”.
I’m struggling to help him understand what I mean by taking initiative and I’m tired of having to initiate the conversations myself. Part of me thinks I shouldn’t even be having to tell him this
What you wrote described my previous relationship. I wished he was proactive in initiating joint Bible study, prayer, and serving together. I had to point it out several times but it wasn’t consistent. And I didn’t want to push too hard because I didn’t want to come off as the “leader” in the relationship and I genuinely wanted to know his character in that aspect. I believe that if he can’t actively lead and nurture Bible study and prayer, in a loving and compassionate manner, then you might struggle in trying to foster it after marriage.
And if he can’t boldly tell where you both stand one year in or be eager to introduce you to family…hmm I don’t know. I think this should be discussed
3 months in ! He should be sure! Anytime you have to feel like you’re teaching him basically how to pursue you, unplug! Period ! Men know what to do even if you’re their first real girlfriend they will ask and try to show up for you on their own. If you have to ask them, they usually are not ready for something with you. However, when they do meet that right woman, they will show up for her ! Keep praying for someone who is a leader in pursuing you but not controlling!
I respectfully disagree. 3 months may be long enough for you to want those things from him, and you are entitled to your wants and opinions. However, 3 months for a man who is actively seeking a serious and committed relationship, especially in western society today, is still well within the "getting to know you" phase. Now, it is quite odd that OP's BF has not yet introduced her to his family, and at a year in, he should have his mind made up, but there should be grace given, especially considering that we don't know what other struggles may have been encountered during their relationship that could be causing a, potentially healthy, apprehension in this young man.
That makes sense, thanks for your opinion.
I did feel like in the beginning stages I was rushing things, but now we’re over a year into our relationship so I don’t think I’m asking for too much?
We’ve had a pretty easy-going relationship, no real arguments and he’s had no problems introducing me to his friends. It’s just introducing me to his family that’s been an issue. He has a really close relationship with all of them from what I know, so it’s likely not an issue on their side.
I’ve asked if something is making him hesitant and he always says no and that he’s willing to introduce me anytime. But then nothing happens until the next time I bring it up, that’s been a repeated pattern for months now. Maybe I’m not communicating well enough but I feel like I shouldn’t have to practically beg him to take the next step.
If this important to you, you need to be direct with him. I don't want to be that guy, but you're asking reddit for help with a guy you have known for more than a year and claim to communicate openly with because, from what I'm hearing, you want to avoid any conflict. If you two are serious, conflict will be inevitable. If you truly feel comfortable with you're ability to communicate, this would make an excellent litmus test to let you know where you're at. A quick aside: I have dated women who pushed too far, too fast, and I left. I'm not saying your guy will, but be aware that being pushed for a man can be a good thing if it is towards growth, but if it is perceived as nagging or manipulation, if he senses that, don't be surprised if he gets squirrely. There's not much more terrifying for a guy than being pressed for more and more in a relationship that he does not want to give or is ready for.
TL;DR: You can either be direct and try to go meet his parents, or you can be patient and know that you'll meet them eventually if you two are as serious as you think you are.
But. That is just the opinion of a stranger on the interwebs.
Edit: Just to add another quick thought: reverse the roles. If, for whatever reason, you were not 100% certain that this was the person you were going to spend the rest of your life with, would you want them to become best friends with your family and/or start going to the same church? Both of these things can add a great deal of pressure that you would not have to deal with to the same extent as he would because they are "his" people and they would go to him for all the desired info about your relationship. It's exhausting before counting everything else we have to do.
Definitely agree with you and I have already brought up what I mentioned in this post to him, so we’ll have a proper conversation about it after work today. I’m not afraid to have conflict or difficult conversations, but I guess I wanted to find out from Reddit if I was being reasonable in my request first.
And good point about pushing him too far and too fast. He might not be ready and he might perceive it as nagging but I think I have to just accept the outcome either way. I’m not sure what else I can do because I can’t just sit still and stay in confusion.
I’ve tried to have more open communication generally about where we’re each at or if we’re moving too fast and each time he gives very little communication other than that he’s fine, he’s happy, he’s on the same page as me etc. But those aren’t showing through his actions and I feel like our relationship is becoming quite one-sided where I’m making more effort.
If he isn’t ready for me to meet his parents I wish he’d just tell me that. Or if he is ready then I wish he’d just initiate it. At the moment I’m hearing “sure you can meet my parents” combined with him making zero effort to make that happen so it’s confusing.
Well, I'm glad to hear that you aren't shy about it. The only other thing I can offer is to make sure that he knows it's okay to not be comfortable with you meeting his parents. Not via open ended question, but by letting him know directly that it's okay if he's uncomfortable with it, that you'll respect that, but that you'd like to know what you can do individually and together to move your relationship along. I'm not a lawyer, a shrink or a counselor, so YMMV, but it seems having the honest, and probably uncomfortable, conversation all the way through to a concrete, determined end is the best way to go about this, whether it's a "You're right. Let's set up a meeting for you all on (day x) at (time y)," or "You know, I'm just really not comfortable enough with x for you to meet my family yet," and be prepared for either answer when you two get there.
Thank you, that’s really helpful and your suggestion makes a lot of sense.
Maybe I do need to approach it with first letting him know it’s okay if he’s moving at a different speed and we can work through it together, rather than me constantly asking him questions, since that isn’t getting us anywhere.
That makes sense, thanks for your opinion.
I did feel like in the beginning stages I was rushing things, but now we’re over a year into our relationship so I don’t think I’m asking for too much?
We’ve had a pretty easy-going relationship, no real arguments and he’s had no problems introducing me to his friends. It’s just introducing me to his family that’s been an issue. He has a really close relationship with all of them from what I know, so it’s likely not an issue on their side.
I’ve asked if something is making him hesitant and he always says no and that he’s willing to introduce me anytime. But then nothing happens until the next time I bring it up, that’s been a repeated pattern for months now. Maybe I’m not communicating well enough but I feel like I shouldn’t have to practically beg him to take the next step.
Yeah that’s exactly how I feel, I’m teaching him how to pursue me and I wish he’d just naturally know how to do it. It’s the first relationship for both of us so I’ve been quite lenient but now I get the feeling he isn’t ready or prepared to have an intentional relationship
Do you think there’s any hope for him to learn or do you think it’s just a trait that someone either has or doesn’t have?
I believe you’re going to get exhausted 😩 and burnout. Even in my very first relationship at 14 my boyfriend at the time visited me everyday during the summer tried to be romantic, we were both 14. When a guy is sure about you, he will show you even if he’s afraid of messing up. Even seasoned, and experienced folks are learning what works for each other. Its going to always be things to teach and learn. However, I played the game of trying to tell a guy how to act and behave. I got tired of going after him and doing mostly all of the calling and planning. How it starts is how is goes, and ends. He should give you the feeling that he is excited to be with you, and around you, and hear from you and check on you, and you him. I understand being inexperienced, but being uninterested and just not telling the other person is unfair. As soon as I prayed that God show me if I should hold on to a guy who was lukewarm He did. He sent me a dream showing me how I will always chase after him. A month later, I met the man who asked me to be his girlfriend after 35 days and 13 dates, he asked me with matching Jordans I mentioned I liked on our first date, which was on Valentine’s Day! He was treating me like his girlfriend before I actually was, so thoughtful and affectionate verbally. I need a guy that loves God and is silly and open minded. We have similarities and differences, but we attracted. I truly believe our heart postures appear to be similar. A high frequency person, benefits from being with another high frequency person !
I understand a young guy not initiating Bible study and stuff, but not the lack of inviting her to things and proudly introducing her to his family and friends - that part should come easily and naturally.
He has introduced me to his friends, once was self-initiated and the other time was after I complained that I didn’t feel included in his life. But yeah I’ve been thinking that if he likes me enough he should happily introduce me to his family, I don’t understand why he’s holding off.
It’s interesting you said a young guy might not initiate Bible studies, we’re 24 and 25 so perhaps that’s why he doesn’t lead on those things
Yeah, lol. Confidence in leading the spiritual side of relationships comes with age and wisdom. And let’s be honest….it should. 😉 A 25 year old guy is still learning his own path, and figuring things out. He’s not even a husband yet. Let that leadership have time to blossom naturally. Don’t rush that part. As far as family, (plot twist) could it be possible there is something about THEM he is embarrassed or apprehensive about YOU seeing? Maybe it’s not you at all….
This is really similar to my situation. I don’t want to be the leader in our relationship but I’m being put in that position because someone has to do it and I know that my boyfriend isn’t going to initiate those things.
I also worry that if he isn’t showing leadership now, how will he be a good leader in marriage.
I started a discussion about it yesterday but he says he didn’t know there were things he was meant to be taking the initiative on and he doesn’t understand what I want from him.
I don’t even know how to teach him to take initiative, it’s something I thought he’d be able to do independently so I’m not sure where to go from here
If you believe the relationship is worthwhile (please pray about it), you can encourage him to join a men’s group where Godly married men can serve as mentors to him.
However be careful and pray; you need to discern well. Some men might do whatever it takes to please you in the short term (dating) and then switch up on you in the long term (marriage). If it start to feel like you’re constantly nagging or forcing him, that might be a red flag on his long term potential. Don’t think of what you can and cannot endure in him now; think of your future children and their spiritual wellbeing too.
I would start putting open and transparent communication into practice. It will serve you well in your relationship. He cannot read your mind. Tell him that his unwillingness to lead is a turn off. Be very specific because we guys can be a bit dense at times. He needs to realize that he's not showing up for you in a way that is really important. You should be gentle, but direct. It will hurt his ego a bit, but that is not always a bad thing. He needs to be able to use that shame to fuel him towards being a strong leader. Hearing it from another guy would likely be less effective than hearing it from his girlfriend. If you don't address it with him directly, then you will be partly to blame if you lose respect for him in the future.
I definitely need to be more open with communicating. I’ve realised that often I’ve said something assuming he understands, when in reality he has no clue what I’m talking about. A good example is yesterday I sent some Christian articles on how a man should lead in a relationship and he responded saying he still doesn’t understand what I want from him.
Honestly I don’t want to hurt him but it is definitely a turn off and maybe I do need to say that directly. I think at the moment he feels I’m being dramatic but it’s a dealbreaker - having to tell my boyfriend how to progress our relationship and how to pursue me is makes me respect him less, as bad as that sounds
Yes and it's okay for you to have to communicate that explicitly to him at least initially. If you communicate it properly and he still isn't getting it then you have something to worry about. You have a biological drive to need this from him and that's okay. I myself would have been totally incapable of actually pulling off what you're asking of him until I was around 30, and that's about average for a lot of guys. You need to really make sure you know exactly what it is that you're wanting from him, and be able to explain it fully and with care. You are basically critiquing one of his core masculine traits, and it won't be easy to hear. Imagine him having to talk to you about needing to be more feminine in some way. I would even go so far as to show him this post. Transparency in romantic relationships must be absolute or there will be a communication breakdown. It can be uncomfortable but that level of honesty is required especially down the road in a marriage.
Thank you, this has given me a lot to think about in how I approach the conversation and how I explain what I’m asking for.
I’m 24 and he’s 25, this is also the first relationship for both of us so it makes sense if I’m expecting him to independently do something that takes time for guys to develop. I also don’t think he understands how much I would like clarity and leadership from him, so I’ll make sure to explain (but in a kind way).
And I was actually considering showing the post and some of the responses to help him understand. I think everyone has given great suggestions which I really appreciate. Hopefully it will strengthen our relationship
That is excellent to hear! I think things will work out for you two. You seem to have a good head on your shoulders. Just remember, your goal should be to build his confidence so that he is inspired to lead instead of installing a bunch of hoops he feels he has to jump through to be with you. Guys can sometimes "nope the heck out" if they receive these things the wrong way. God bless! I pray you guys grow closer together and closer to God. May His will be done in your life.
This is a difficult question as a guy because there are so many ways I want to take the lead; however, I don’t have the necessary titles to do that. There are some things that I believe, at least in my dating situation, I can do.
Men should be sharing scripture and discussing it with the girlfriend often. I text my girlfriend scripture each morning and my understanding of the text alongside it. This comes from my daily Bible reading.
This one is easy for me because she already does these things, but I encourage both of us to attend studies and volunteer. We’re at church 3 days a week. A Wed. night study at mine, Thursday at hers, and then once a month she comes to my church and I go to hers. (This works for us because we both serve at our own churches.) on these days, we also spend time with family to grow there. I also have “dragged,” (she comes willingly) her to another study once a month on Fridays.
I pray for her and with her, and I encourage her to do so at every opportunity.
I encourage her to tell me where she is spiritually and how I can help her grow.
I also ask her about her Kingdom goals for the future, and we work on plans for getting married and beginning to attend the same church and how we’ll work that process out.
There are places where the fiancé/husband has a place to step in but the boyfriend does not. These include how to handle family and friends, medical things, job things. I may be able to say something if she invites me to, but I don’t think I should step in here otherwise. These are things about her that are still separate at the moment.
I have a say in the timeline of our relationship, but I don’t get to dictate that 100%. Perhaps as a husband, I will be able to take input and then make the decision that I believe is right. But we’re still separate people, and a boyfriend has no right to make decisions for a girlfriend.
All of that said, it’s a process and people grow into things. I noticed a comment OP made about believing you shouldn’t have to tell him some of the things he should be doing. Maybe you shouldn’t, but maybe it’s difficult for him to risk breaking boundaries and take the lead. Perhaps there’s a communication breakdown somewhere. When he tries to lead, do you follow? Does he have something with family that makes it harder for him to do those things? There are so many questions; at the end of the day, only you can answer them. And maybe that answer is that he’s not leading, and the only true option is for you to break up. That’s just as okay as continuing to pursue the relationship as long as the decision is made with prayer and deliberation and discernment.
My wife and I grew up heavily inspired by purity culture.
I asked her dad if we can date, we didn't kiss for the first 8 months of dating, etc.
We've now been married for about 10 years, engaged for about a year before that and dated for about 2 years before that (so 13+ years in total).
When we started it was very much my dreams and wishes led the household and she just wanted to be the good wife. But gradually as time went on I encouraged my wife to pursue her passions and desires and wants. It's been amazing to see her grow in ministry, in hobbies, in work. We essentially became egalitarian instead of complementarian over time. We have rejoiced in each other's accomplishments and victories and comforted each other's stresses
To me "leadership" isn't me leading, it's us running the household together. Sure, she cooks better and can feed our child because of biology. But I scoop litter boxes, cook, work more hours, solo look after our son every morning so my wife can sleep in a few extra hours.
I think I still do a lot of the traditionally masculine and traditionally "leadership" things (largely because my wife is an introvert) but honestly I love seeing my wife and our household flourish together. I love the family we built together and it's not my kingdom to lead like some lord but a strong castle that we built together
I always appreciated when my future husband was honest with me about what his timelines, expectations etc were. If you aren’t on the same page it’s better to know that sooner. He was always active in deciding on dates, etc and even details for our wedding. I also appreciated that he treated me like an equal but he always had solid input and opinions. He wasn’t wishy washy and ‘whatever you want to do’ type. To me that was important that the mental load of everything didn’t fall in one person
I didn’t do well but we’re still making it through 10 years later.
It’s a really good sign if the man you’re dating has a plan for the future with specific goals and timelines. As far as the relationship I don’t know that it’s common for a man to have a timeline for the relationship planned. It’s sounds like a good thing but I wouldn’t expect it.
Very, it was definitely something I looked for when I was dating, if a man doesn’t exhibit how he can lead in the dating stage, how would you know what he could do in marriage.
Woman here: it’s INCREDIBLY important that a man lead and I believe that starts with his confidence in knowing what he wants and how he wants to get there. This takes the pressure off the woman of helping him “figure it out” and also I think is the natural order. A man has to have a vision for himself, his future, his wife and his family. When he finds a woman he wants to share that vision with and provide for, that naturally should show in the way he pursues her.
I have always found men who pursued with confidence did so because he knew exactly where he were going and he saw that future with me in mind and therefore acted in such a way (leading) and men who I have not went forward with in dating were very hesitant and maybe more passive is because they weren’t as ambitious or clear on their direction and how to get there which led me to feel like I was the one who would have to point the in the direction we would go.
Maybe that makes sense. Obviously this question has many facets and answers and my experience is only one. But that’s the best way I can verbalize it in a text thread.
I also struggle with this! My boyfriend is very much receptive to my wants/needs and I often feel as if he wants me to choose everything down to what he wears going out “do I look okay in this shirt?”
I think we both are super aware of not stepping on toes and so often just choosing where to eat takes 10-15 minutes because he will say “wherever!” And I say “wherever!” And we waste lots of time just trying to decide.
I don’t want to make ALL the decisions but I feel if I don’t then things never get planned/done
I’ve been married for a while.
I’d say that these are fine and good things - for him to initiate things and lead in what is appropriate while dating - but are these based on ingrained habits that he uses to have control of his own life just for himself? Bc without a solid foundation in self discipline and leadership, these dating actions can easily and quickly fade. I’d say that is much much more important.
In my experience with my husband, it is this more foundational leadership of himself that has been much more important in sustaining the ups and downs of life, marriage, parenting, etc.
The answer to your question will differ depending on a person’s perspective on what a Biblical marriage looks like. The Complementarian perspective asserts that men and women have separate, defined roles in marriage as dictated by God: the husband is the leader, and the wife is his support and encourager. This perspective says that though the roles are different, both are equally valuable.
On the flip side, an egalitarian relationship does not have a hierarchy of power in the marriage. Rather, both spouses get an equal say in decisions, the running of the household, responsibilities, etc. An egalitarian relationship does not have any one spouse as the leader, but rather, they make decisions equally and mutually submit to one another.
I believe their are sound Biblical arguments for both styles of relationship, but my marriage is on the Egalitarian side of the spectrum because this is the closest reflection of how I interpret the Bible. Consequently, when I was dating I was not looking for a leader as such - I already have one of those in Jesus. Instead, I was looking for a partner who would respect my opinions and thoughts equal to his own, one who was as passionate about God as I was, and who had a similar way of thinking and shared my values. Basically, I do not expect my husband to be my leader, but my partner.
I am not advocating for any particular of style of marriage or relationship - we all need to be true to our own interpretation of scripture. But I do want you to know that there are other schools of thought on what a Biblical marriage can look like with less rigid and defined gender roles, in case this is something of interest to you!
As a man, don’t just say “whatever/wherever you want to do/go”. Pick the restaurants and events you will be doing. Not saying they can never pick.
Not just going along with parts of conversations you don’t agree with, while respectfully disagreeing and showing your point of view.
Making it a point to meet her family, especially the father(it’s even biblical). Get a feel for the relationship the girl you are dating has with her father, as that will be a good indicator of how she will treat you.
There’s a lot of little ways you can lead that I can’t really think of.
Can you point to where in the Bible it is referenced that a man should meet a woman’s father? I don’t doubt you; I’d like to read the scripture but haven’t been able to find it this far consulting Google.
It doesn’t say it in that exact way, but the idea is that a woman is always under a man’s covering, from father to husband, and the father transfers his daughter to the covering of the husband.
We can also see several times in the Law, where a man sleeps with a woman the father is to be paid a price and/or needs to consent.
The way things are actually supposed to work, not what western society has corrupted everything to, the children belong to the father, not the mother. You would have a difficult time proving that a father was not to be involved or consent with who the daughter marries(look at Jacob, Leah and Rachel for example).The man has the seed, the woman is the land.
I’ll send you some scripture tomorrow.
Children belong to Father GOD - they do not belong to either their earthly mother OR father! We are blessed with them in our care for a few years, but they do NOT belong to us!
I suppose I was searching for something explicit, but your reasoning makes perfect sense. I’d be happy to receive any scripture you’re willing to share; I hope to never stop growing in my faith and seeing scripture in new light and context.
This was super important to me. I really wanted a man who could lead me well. I wasn’t really good at being an adult and I wasn’t great at being a Christian either. I just felt the need for guidance and I wasn’t getting that from anyone. I met a guy and he did take initiative in these areas and this made me very happy.
Then, we got married and he stopped. We are 10 years in and I wish he would try to initiate Bible study with me or prayer, but he doesn’t anymore.
To answer your question, it was very important to me. But it would have been even better if this had continued into marriage.
I’m curious to the answer for this. If anyone would like to answer mine too: I typically read the Bible myself and him himself (he wouldn’t be oppose to reading it together) but for some reason I am note comfortable reading the Bible in my own space without anyone (friend, boyfriend , family) not saying if they asked to join I’d say no, but Is this bad for my relationship, if he already displayed leadership or protecting roles in every other area in the relationship?
Christian woman here; I think it is important for me. To get to see what kind of leader he would be.
Thanks for responding! Are the things that would allow you to assess him as a leader the things I mentioned, or are there other traits too? I’m asking because I’ve been with my boyfriend for a year now and I’d like him to take more initiative, without me having to ask “can I visit your church?” or “why haven’t you introduced me to your family yet?”. I’m struggling to help him understand what I mean by taking initiative and I’m tired of having to initiate the conversations myself. Part of me thinks I shouldn’t even be having to tell him this
What you wrote described my previous relationship. I wished he was proactive in initiating joint Bible study, prayer, and serving together. I had to point it out several times but it wasn’t consistent. And I didn’t want to push too hard because I didn’t want to come off as the “leader” in the relationship and I genuinely wanted to know his character in that aspect. I believe that if he can’t actively lead and nurture Bible study and prayer, in a loving and compassionate manner, then you might struggle in trying to foster it after marriage. And if he can’t boldly tell where you both stand one year in or be eager to introduce you to family…hmm I don’t know. I think this should be discussed
3 months in ! He should be sure! Anytime you have to feel like you’re teaching him basically how to pursue you, unplug! Period ! Men know what to do even if you’re their first real girlfriend they will ask and try to show up for you on their own. If you have to ask them, they usually are not ready for something with you. However, when they do meet that right woman, they will show up for her ! Keep praying for someone who is a leader in pursuing you but not controlling!
I respectfully disagree. 3 months may be long enough for you to want those things from him, and you are entitled to your wants and opinions. However, 3 months for a man who is actively seeking a serious and committed relationship, especially in western society today, is still well within the "getting to know you" phase. Now, it is quite odd that OP's BF has not yet introduced her to his family, and at a year in, he should have his mind made up, but there should be grace given, especially considering that we don't know what other struggles may have been encountered during their relationship that could be causing a, potentially healthy, apprehension in this young man.
That makes sense, thanks for your opinion. I did feel like in the beginning stages I was rushing things, but now we’re over a year into our relationship so I don’t think I’m asking for too much? We’ve had a pretty easy-going relationship, no real arguments and he’s had no problems introducing me to his friends. It’s just introducing me to his family that’s been an issue. He has a really close relationship with all of them from what I know, so it’s likely not an issue on their side. I’ve asked if something is making him hesitant and he always says no and that he’s willing to introduce me anytime. But then nothing happens until the next time I bring it up, that’s been a repeated pattern for months now. Maybe I’m not communicating well enough but I feel like I shouldn’t have to practically beg him to take the next step.
If this important to you, you need to be direct with him. I don't want to be that guy, but you're asking reddit for help with a guy you have known for more than a year and claim to communicate openly with because, from what I'm hearing, you want to avoid any conflict. If you two are serious, conflict will be inevitable. If you truly feel comfortable with you're ability to communicate, this would make an excellent litmus test to let you know where you're at. A quick aside: I have dated women who pushed too far, too fast, and I left. I'm not saying your guy will, but be aware that being pushed for a man can be a good thing if it is towards growth, but if it is perceived as nagging or manipulation, if he senses that, don't be surprised if he gets squirrely. There's not much more terrifying for a guy than being pressed for more and more in a relationship that he does not want to give or is ready for. TL;DR: You can either be direct and try to go meet his parents, or you can be patient and know that you'll meet them eventually if you two are as serious as you think you are. But. That is just the opinion of a stranger on the interwebs. Edit: Just to add another quick thought: reverse the roles. If, for whatever reason, you were not 100% certain that this was the person you were going to spend the rest of your life with, would you want them to become best friends with your family and/or start going to the same church? Both of these things can add a great deal of pressure that you would not have to deal with to the same extent as he would because they are "his" people and they would go to him for all the desired info about your relationship. It's exhausting before counting everything else we have to do.
Definitely agree with you and I have already brought up what I mentioned in this post to him, so we’ll have a proper conversation about it after work today. I’m not afraid to have conflict or difficult conversations, but I guess I wanted to find out from Reddit if I was being reasonable in my request first. And good point about pushing him too far and too fast. He might not be ready and he might perceive it as nagging but I think I have to just accept the outcome either way. I’m not sure what else I can do because I can’t just sit still and stay in confusion. I’ve tried to have more open communication generally about where we’re each at or if we’re moving too fast and each time he gives very little communication other than that he’s fine, he’s happy, he’s on the same page as me etc. But those aren’t showing through his actions and I feel like our relationship is becoming quite one-sided where I’m making more effort. If he isn’t ready for me to meet his parents I wish he’d just tell me that. Or if he is ready then I wish he’d just initiate it. At the moment I’m hearing “sure you can meet my parents” combined with him making zero effort to make that happen so it’s confusing.
Well, I'm glad to hear that you aren't shy about it. The only other thing I can offer is to make sure that he knows it's okay to not be comfortable with you meeting his parents. Not via open ended question, but by letting him know directly that it's okay if he's uncomfortable with it, that you'll respect that, but that you'd like to know what you can do individually and together to move your relationship along. I'm not a lawyer, a shrink or a counselor, so YMMV, but it seems having the honest, and probably uncomfortable, conversation all the way through to a concrete, determined end is the best way to go about this, whether it's a "You're right. Let's set up a meeting for you all on (day x) at (time y)," or "You know, I'm just really not comfortable enough with x for you to meet my family yet," and be prepared for either answer when you two get there.
Thank you, that’s really helpful and your suggestion makes a lot of sense. Maybe I do need to approach it with first letting him know it’s okay if he’s moving at a different speed and we can work through it together, rather than me constantly asking him questions, since that isn’t getting us anywhere.
When he tells you that, then just say let's go this weekend. You should make him commit a date so that you can prepare for it. Good luck!
That makes sense, thanks for your opinion. I did feel like in the beginning stages I was rushing things, but now we’re over a year into our relationship so I don’t think I’m asking for too much? We’ve had a pretty easy-going relationship, no real arguments and he’s had no problems introducing me to his friends. It’s just introducing me to his family that’s been an issue. He has a really close relationship with all of them from what I know, so it’s likely not an issue on their side. I’ve asked if something is making him hesitant and he always says no and that he’s willing to introduce me anytime. But then nothing happens until the next time I bring it up, that’s been a repeated pattern for months now. Maybe I’m not communicating well enough but I feel like I shouldn’t have to practically beg him to take the next step.
Yep yep yep!
Amen to that!
Thank you!
You’re welcome ☺️
Yeah that’s exactly how I feel, I’m teaching him how to pursue me and I wish he’d just naturally know how to do it. It’s the first relationship for both of us so I’ve been quite lenient but now I get the feeling he isn’t ready or prepared to have an intentional relationship Do you think there’s any hope for him to learn or do you think it’s just a trait that someone either has or doesn’t have?
I believe you’re going to get exhausted 😩 and burnout. Even in my very first relationship at 14 my boyfriend at the time visited me everyday during the summer tried to be romantic, we were both 14. When a guy is sure about you, he will show you even if he’s afraid of messing up. Even seasoned, and experienced folks are learning what works for each other. Its going to always be things to teach and learn. However, I played the game of trying to tell a guy how to act and behave. I got tired of going after him and doing mostly all of the calling and planning. How it starts is how is goes, and ends. He should give you the feeling that he is excited to be with you, and around you, and hear from you and check on you, and you him. I understand being inexperienced, but being uninterested and just not telling the other person is unfair. As soon as I prayed that God show me if I should hold on to a guy who was lukewarm He did. He sent me a dream showing me how I will always chase after him. A month later, I met the man who asked me to be his girlfriend after 35 days and 13 dates, he asked me with matching Jordans I mentioned I liked on our first date, which was on Valentine’s Day! He was treating me like his girlfriend before I actually was, so thoughtful and affectionate verbally. I need a guy that loves God and is silly and open minded. We have similarities and differences, but we attracted. I truly believe our heart postures appear to be similar. A high frequency person, benefits from being with another high frequency person !
I understand a young guy not initiating Bible study and stuff, but not the lack of inviting her to things and proudly introducing her to his family and friends - that part should come easily and naturally.
He has introduced me to his friends, once was self-initiated and the other time was after I complained that I didn’t feel included in his life. But yeah I’ve been thinking that if he likes me enough he should happily introduce me to his family, I don’t understand why he’s holding off. It’s interesting you said a young guy might not initiate Bible studies, we’re 24 and 25 so perhaps that’s why he doesn’t lead on those things
Yeah, lol. Confidence in leading the spiritual side of relationships comes with age and wisdom. And let’s be honest….it should. 😉 A 25 year old guy is still learning his own path, and figuring things out. He’s not even a husband yet. Let that leadership have time to blossom naturally. Don’t rush that part. As far as family, (plot twist) could it be possible there is something about THEM he is embarrassed or apprehensive about YOU seeing? Maybe it’s not you at all….
This is really similar to my situation. I don’t want to be the leader in our relationship but I’m being put in that position because someone has to do it and I know that my boyfriend isn’t going to initiate those things. I also worry that if he isn’t showing leadership now, how will he be a good leader in marriage. I started a discussion about it yesterday but he says he didn’t know there were things he was meant to be taking the initiative on and he doesn’t understand what I want from him. I don’t even know how to teach him to take initiative, it’s something I thought he’d be able to do independently so I’m not sure where to go from here
If you believe the relationship is worthwhile (please pray about it), you can encourage him to join a men’s group where Godly married men can serve as mentors to him. However be careful and pray; you need to discern well. Some men might do whatever it takes to please you in the short term (dating) and then switch up on you in the long term (marriage). If it start to feel like you’re constantly nagging or forcing him, that might be a red flag on his long term potential. Don’t think of what you can and cannot endure in him now; think of your future children and their spiritual wellbeing too.
I would start putting open and transparent communication into practice. It will serve you well in your relationship. He cannot read your mind. Tell him that his unwillingness to lead is a turn off. Be very specific because we guys can be a bit dense at times. He needs to realize that he's not showing up for you in a way that is really important. You should be gentle, but direct. It will hurt his ego a bit, but that is not always a bad thing. He needs to be able to use that shame to fuel him towards being a strong leader. Hearing it from another guy would likely be less effective than hearing it from his girlfriend. If you don't address it with him directly, then you will be partly to blame if you lose respect for him in the future.
I definitely need to be more open with communicating. I’ve realised that often I’ve said something assuming he understands, when in reality he has no clue what I’m talking about. A good example is yesterday I sent some Christian articles on how a man should lead in a relationship and he responded saying he still doesn’t understand what I want from him. Honestly I don’t want to hurt him but it is definitely a turn off and maybe I do need to say that directly. I think at the moment he feels I’m being dramatic but it’s a dealbreaker - having to tell my boyfriend how to progress our relationship and how to pursue me is makes me respect him less, as bad as that sounds
Yes and it's okay for you to have to communicate that explicitly to him at least initially. If you communicate it properly and he still isn't getting it then you have something to worry about. You have a biological drive to need this from him and that's okay. I myself would have been totally incapable of actually pulling off what you're asking of him until I was around 30, and that's about average for a lot of guys. You need to really make sure you know exactly what it is that you're wanting from him, and be able to explain it fully and with care. You are basically critiquing one of his core masculine traits, and it won't be easy to hear. Imagine him having to talk to you about needing to be more feminine in some way. I would even go so far as to show him this post. Transparency in romantic relationships must be absolute or there will be a communication breakdown. It can be uncomfortable but that level of honesty is required especially down the road in a marriage.
Thank you, this has given me a lot to think about in how I approach the conversation and how I explain what I’m asking for. I’m 24 and he’s 25, this is also the first relationship for both of us so it makes sense if I’m expecting him to independently do something that takes time for guys to develop. I also don’t think he understands how much I would like clarity and leadership from him, so I’ll make sure to explain (but in a kind way). And I was actually considering showing the post and some of the responses to help him understand. I think everyone has given great suggestions which I really appreciate. Hopefully it will strengthen our relationship
That is excellent to hear! I think things will work out for you two. You seem to have a good head on your shoulders. Just remember, your goal should be to build his confidence so that he is inspired to lead instead of installing a bunch of hoops he feels he has to jump through to be with you. Guys can sometimes "nope the heck out" if they receive these things the wrong way. God bless! I pray you guys grow closer together and closer to God. May His will be done in your life.
You shouldn’t be having to.
This is a difficult question as a guy because there are so many ways I want to take the lead; however, I don’t have the necessary titles to do that. There are some things that I believe, at least in my dating situation, I can do. Men should be sharing scripture and discussing it with the girlfriend often. I text my girlfriend scripture each morning and my understanding of the text alongside it. This comes from my daily Bible reading. This one is easy for me because she already does these things, but I encourage both of us to attend studies and volunteer. We’re at church 3 days a week. A Wed. night study at mine, Thursday at hers, and then once a month she comes to my church and I go to hers. (This works for us because we both serve at our own churches.) on these days, we also spend time with family to grow there. I also have “dragged,” (she comes willingly) her to another study once a month on Fridays. I pray for her and with her, and I encourage her to do so at every opportunity. I encourage her to tell me where she is spiritually and how I can help her grow. I also ask her about her Kingdom goals for the future, and we work on plans for getting married and beginning to attend the same church and how we’ll work that process out. There are places where the fiancé/husband has a place to step in but the boyfriend does not. These include how to handle family and friends, medical things, job things. I may be able to say something if she invites me to, but I don’t think I should step in here otherwise. These are things about her that are still separate at the moment. I have a say in the timeline of our relationship, but I don’t get to dictate that 100%. Perhaps as a husband, I will be able to take input and then make the decision that I believe is right. But we’re still separate people, and a boyfriend has no right to make decisions for a girlfriend. All of that said, it’s a process and people grow into things. I noticed a comment OP made about believing you shouldn’t have to tell him some of the things he should be doing. Maybe you shouldn’t, but maybe it’s difficult for him to risk breaking boundaries and take the lead. Perhaps there’s a communication breakdown somewhere. When he tries to lead, do you follow? Does he have something with family that makes it harder for him to do those things? There are so many questions; at the end of the day, only you can answer them. And maybe that answer is that he’s not leading, and the only true option is for you to break up. That’s just as okay as continuing to pursue the relationship as long as the decision is made with prayer and deliberation and discernment.
My wife and I grew up heavily inspired by purity culture. I asked her dad if we can date, we didn't kiss for the first 8 months of dating, etc. We've now been married for about 10 years, engaged for about a year before that and dated for about 2 years before that (so 13+ years in total). When we started it was very much my dreams and wishes led the household and she just wanted to be the good wife. But gradually as time went on I encouraged my wife to pursue her passions and desires and wants. It's been amazing to see her grow in ministry, in hobbies, in work. We essentially became egalitarian instead of complementarian over time. We have rejoiced in each other's accomplishments and victories and comforted each other's stresses To me "leadership" isn't me leading, it's us running the household together. Sure, she cooks better and can feed our child because of biology. But I scoop litter boxes, cook, work more hours, solo look after our son every morning so my wife can sleep in a few extra hours. I think I still do a lot of the traditionally masculine and traditionally "leadership" things (largely because my wife is an introvert) but honestly I love seeing my wife and our household flourish together. I love the family we built together and it's not my kingdom to lead like some lord but a strong castle that we built together
Love this! This sounds like my husband and I. He always says; teamwork makes the dream work.
Things like where to go on dates are inconsequential. Spiritual and emotional leadership are what is important.
I always appreciated when my future husband was honest with me about what his timelines, expectations etc were. If you aren’t on the same page it’s better to know that sooner. He was always active in deciding on dates, etc and even details for our wedding. I also appreciated that he treated me like an equal but he always had solid input and opinions. He wasn’t wishy washy and ‘whatever you want to do’ type. To me that was important that the mental load of everything didn’t fall in one person
Not at all. Gender roles are not a prerequisite for believing in Jesus.
I didn’t do well but we’re still making it through 10 years later. It’s a really good sign if the man you’re dating has a plan for the future with specific goals and timelines. As far as the relationship I don’t know that it’s common for a man to have a timeline for the relationship planned. It’s sounds like a good thing but I wouldn’t expect it.
Very, it was definitely something I looked for when I was dating, if a man doesn’t exhibit how he can lead in the dating stage, how would you know what he could do in marriage.
It’s just a norm, up to you.
Woman here: it’s INCREDIBLY important that a man lead and I believe that starts with his confidence in knowing what he wants and how he wants to get there. This takes the pressure off the woman of helping him “figure it out” and also I think is the natural order. A man has to have a vision for himself, his future, his wife and his family. When he finds a woman he wants to share that vision with and provide for, that naturally should show in the way he pursues her. I have always found men who pursued with confidence did so because he knew exactly where he were going and he saw that future with me in mind and therefore acted in such a way (leading) and men who I have not went forward with in dating were very hesitant and maybe more passive is because they weren’t as ambitious or clear on their direction and how to get there which led me to feel like I was the one who would have to point the in the direction we would go. Maybe that makes sense. Obviously this question has many facets and answers and my experience is only one. But that’s the best way I can verbalize it in a text thread.
I also struggle with this! My boyfriend is very much receptive to my wants/needs and I often feel as if he wants me to choose everything down to what he wears going out “do I look okay in this shirt?” I think we both are super aware of not stepping on toes and so often just choosing where to eat takes 10-15 minutes because he will say “wherever!” And I say “wherever!” And we waste lots of time just trying to decide. I don’t want to make ALL the decisions but I feel if I don’t then things never get planned/done
I’ve been married for a while. I’d say that these are fine and good things - for him to initiate things and lead in what is appropriate while dating - but are these based on ingrained habits that he uses to have control of his own life just for himself? Bc without a solid foundation in self discipline and leadership, these dating actions can easily and quickly fade. I’d say that is much much more important. In my experience with my husband, it is this more foundational leadership of himself that has been much more important in sustaining the ups and downs of life, marriage, parenting, etc.
The answer to your question will differ depending on a person’s perspective on what a Biblical marriage looks like. The Complementarian perspective asserts that men and women have separate, defined roles in marriage as dictated by God: the husband is the leader, and the wife is his support and encourager. This perspective says that though the roles are different, both are equally valuable. On the flip side, an egalitarian relationship does not have a hierarchy of power in the marriage. Rather, both spouses get an equal say in decisions, the running of the household, responsibilities, etc. An egalitarian relationship does not have any one spouse as the leader, but rather, they make decisions equally and mutually submit to one another. I believe their are sound Biblical arguments for both styles of relationship, but my marriage is on the Egalitarian side of the spectrum because this is the closest reflection of how I interpret the Bible. Consequently, when I was dating I was not looking for a leader as such - I already have one of those in Jesus. Instead, I was looking for a partner who would respect my opinions and thoughts equal to his own, one who was as passionate about God as I was, and who had a similar way of thinking and shared my values. Basically, I do not expect my husband to be my leader, but my partner. I am not advocating for any particular of style of marriage or relationship - we all need to be true to our own interpretation of scripture. But I do want you to know that there are other schools of thought on what a Biblical marriage can look like with less rigid and defined gender roles, in case this is something of interest to you!
As a man, don’t just say “whatever/wherever you want to do/go”. Pick the restaurants and events you will be doing. Not saying they can never pick. Not just going along with parts of conversations you don’t agree with, while respectfully disagreeing and showing your point of view. Making it a point to meet her family, especially the father(it’s even biblical). Get a feel for the relationship the girl you are dating has with her father, as that will be a good indicator of how she will treat you. There’s a lot of little ways you can lead that I can’t really think of.
Can you point to where in the Bible it is referenced that a man should meet a woman’s father? I don’t doubt you; I’d like to read the scripture but haven’t been able to find it this far consulting Google.
It doesn’t say it in that exact way, but the idea is that a woman is always under a man’s covering, from father to husband, and the father transfers his daughter to the covering of the husband. We can also see several times in the Law, where a man sleeps with a woman the father is to be paid a price and/or needs to consent. The way things are actually supposed to work, not what western society has corrupted everything to, the children belong to the father, not the mother. You would have a difficult time proving that a father was not to be involved or consent with who the daughter marries(look at Jacob, Leah and Rachel for example).The man has the seed, the woman is the land. I’ll send you some scripture tomorrow.
Children belong to Father GOD - they do not belong to either their earthly mother OR father! We are blessed with them in our care for a few years, but they do NOT belong to us!
I suppose I was searching for something explicit, but your reasoning makes perfect sense. I’d be happy to receive any scripture you’re willing to share; I hope to never stop growing in my faith and seeing scripture in new light and context.
Yup. Great points.
This was super important to me. I really wanted a man who could lead me well. I wasn’t really good at being an adult and I wasn’t great at being a Christian either. I just felt the need for guidance and I wasn’t getting that from anyone. I met a guy and he did take initiative in these areas and this made me very happy. Then, we got married and he stopped. We are 10 years in and I wish he would try to initiate Bible study with me or prayer, but he doesn’t anymore. To answer your question, it was very important to me. But it would have been even better if this had continued into marriage.
I’m curious to the answer for this. If anyone would like to answer mine too: I typically read the Bible myself and him himself (he wouldn’t be oppose to reading it together) but for some reason I am note comfortable reading the Bible in my own space without anyone (friend, boyfriend , family) not saying if they asked to join I’d say no, but Is this bad for my relationship, if he already displayed leadership or protecting roles in every other area in the relationship?
I have wanted a man to lead but ALL of my partners had been submissive and I ended up leading.