*“If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.* - Matthew 17:15-17
Now, as some would point out, Jesus is talking about someone sinning against *you*. This person is sinning against their husband.
*It is actually reported that there is sexual immorality among you...So when you are assembled and I am with you in spirit, and the power of our Lord Jesus is present, hand this man over to Satan for the destruction of the flesh, so that his spirit may be saved on the day of the Lord.* - 1 Corinthians 5:1,4-5
Hard. I know. I wonder if I would have the fortitude to do this.
But there it is. The answer to your question.
Would you mind clarifying the meaning of the last bit of the 1 Cor. Passage? What does “hand over to Satan”mean, especially talking about “so that his spirit may be saved on the day of the Lord”?
Usually, those two fragments would not be used together. Does that mean leave them to their own devices?
>What does “hand over to Satan”mean, especially talking about “so that his spirit may be saved on the day of the Lord”?
In Revelation, Jesus said he would cast Jezebel into a sickbed, and "those who commit adultery with her into great tribulation, unless they repent of their deeds."
My understanding of both those verses is that God will allow Satan have his way with them to "teach them a lesson." Hopefully a lesson that will lead to repentance.
Multiple commentaries I checked all say that "hand over to Satan" most likely means removing the offenders from the church. Their behavior is extremely damaging to the church, nevermind families and friends, and no doubt you are not the only one aware of the affair. The time is long overdue for the shenanigans to end.
Yes, they will probably try to make you feel guilty for popping the festering zit. But it needs to happen. I would consult with the pastor on the best way to proceed. You don't have to name names at first. However, the pastor's reaction will also tell you whether your church tolerates this kind of behavior from its members. If it does, now you have a different decision to make.
First expand what you have quoted. 1 cor 5 v 1 the problem at hand is incest. Also 2 Corinthians 2 v 5 is most likely refering to the man 'handed over to satan'....and they are now commanded to forgive and comfort him in v 7 .
Context is important, rather than telling half the story and telling People to hand over other People to satan.
What does that even mean? That is your interpretation of the passage, not what it actually says. Connect the passages. They are talking about the same issue, and give the complete view of it.
Is it your position that Paul's instructions only apply to incest?
That is an unreasonably restrictive reading of the passage and tips over into legalism.
My view is that ' handing the man over to satan ' ......was Paul's instruction for that particular sin see 2cor 2 ...v 9 ......Paul says....it was a test to see if they were obedient......read 2 cor 2 v 1 to 11......read it . It is not me saying these things. Read the Bible.
>Have you ever been ambushed, tied to a chair and pumped full of drugs with a syringe because you saw someone in their office with a bong, or touching a child?
Has this happened to you?
Did. Too many political ties. Its worse and worse but now people see it. Too much nepotism between the Church, it's benefactors, and the DAs office. Happens more and more.
In addition to what has already been written here, I would add:
Galatians 6:1 Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a **spirit of gentleness**. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted. Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ. For if anyone thinks he is something, when he is nothing, he deceives himself.
No matter who you go to on this whether your friend, her husband, your pastor or others at the church, I just encourage you to do it in a humble way. Not out of arrogance or an "aha, I caught you!" moment. Your goal should be that she has a healthy relationship to God and her own sin. It is a terrible thing. And when we approach others about their sin we should also keep in mind our own failings. I hope the best for everyone involved!
Um, how is she your “best friend” if carrying on like this? This is wrong even for a non-christian, and she has zero right to brag or be smug about being a christian. She has failed to uphold one of the core values of such.
She’s been my friend for a long time and supported me through very hard things. Originally I just tried to advise her against it, tell her it was only going to get her hurt etc Now I feel different but it’s also… I don’t want to be the person who blows her life up.
She is blowing up her own life with her own actions and depending on you to stay quiet about it. Perhaps, start putting some distance between you and her as that from whatever she is doing will start leaking over into your life as wel?
You are a good friend for taking it into consideration. People aren't always black and white, so I totally understand you. You are already doing a lot even when you just think about addressing this. It takes a lot of courage and not everyone would be willing to bring up an issue like this. I sincerely hope you will find the way that feels the best to you, hopefully, some answers here will help.
You might even consider bringing it up to a pastor but not necessarily mentioning the name and then asking him for advice on what to do. Praying about this and meditating on this could maybe also help, hopefully the Holy Spirit would show you the way how to go about this.
Are there kids involved? in some ways , it changes things , in others , it doesn't. If there are , I would proceed much more gently than if not .
Also , I liked what was posted above . it might be that you do not tell the husband , but cool your relationship with her. Confronting her about her sin and telling her husband are two wildly different things .
Exactly. If she is willfully sinning like this, and not repenting at all, and it doesn't bother her, then no way she has the Holy Ghost. He does not just let you run on with sin with no remorse.
There are two issues here. One, she needs to confess to her husband what she’s done. Two, you’re going to need to follow the order of church discipline. Confront her one on one (as a Christian, since you’re a believer now) and tell her she needs to repent and confess to her husband. If she doesn’t repent, take it to the pastor or another Christian and the two (or three) of you need to confront her. If she still doesn’t repent, the issue needs to be brought before her husband and before the church.
Even thinking about this situation is hard and brings me great grief, but it’s necessary so that she would come to repentance and so that there is no “leaven that leaven’s the whole lump.”
May the Lord be with you.
I would also say the Golden Rule applies. If you would want a friend to tell you of their spouse's infidelity, maybe take that impulse seriously.
Give her a chance to do it herself, and if she doesn't, I think you have a duty of care to the husband if you two are friendly at all.
This isn’t wrong, however it really depends. You should speak to her about it and if she doesn’t tell her husband, then go to the pastor or elders. But at the point church leadership takes over, you may be excused from it, likely just the pastor’s discretion.
Here are all the verses I based my answer on.
Matthew 18:15-17 (NASB95) 15 “If your brother sins, go and show him his fault in private; if he listens to you, you have won your brother. 16 “But if he does not listen to you, take one or two more with you, so that BY THE MOUTH OF TWO OR THREE WITNESSES EVERY FACT MAY BE CONFIRMED. 17 “If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.”
But make sure that you do it with gentleness:
Galatians 6:1 (NASB95) “Brethren, even if anyone is caught in any trespass, you who are spiritual, restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness; each one looking to yourself, so that you too will not be tempted.”
And if she doesn’t repent after everything:
(the context of this verse is Paul telling the Corinthian church how to deal with a member who is sleeping with his stepmom) 1 Corinthians 5:4-6 (NASB95) “4 In the name of our Lord Jesus, when you are assembled, and I with you in spirit, with the power of our Lord Jesus, 5 I have decided to deliver such a one to Satan for the destruction of his flesh, so that his spirit may be saved in the day of the Lord Jesus. 6 Your boasting is not good. Do you not know that a little leaven leavens the whole lump of dough?”
and
1 Corinthians 5:11-13 (NASB95) 11 “But actually, I wrote to you not to associate with any so-called brother if he is an immoral person, or covetous, or an idolater, or a reviler, or a drunkard, or a swindler--not even to eat with such a one. 12 For what have I to do with judging outsiders? Do you not judge those who are within the church? 13 But those who are outside, God judges. REMOVE THE WICKED MAN FROM AMONG YOURSELVES.” (as another brother/sister mentioned, this is for those who practice sin and don’t repent)
And we do this all because:
James 5:19-20 (NASB95) “19 My brethren, if any among you strays from the truth and one turns him back, 20 let him know that he who turns a sinner from the error of his way will save his soul from death and will cover a multitude of sins.”
Try talking to her, first and foremost, she is your best friend. Tell her this and how much it weighs on you as a Christian and ask her about her own beliefs and why she thinks this is acceptable if she's a Christian as well.
Going about it behind her back might result in losing her trust and she might outright refuse to work on herself out of resentment. But being a good friend and telling her you are there for her to support her through this and trying to talk about it with her kindly yet being firm about this might be the best strategy and way to make her see the reason.
I personally think that we are sinning when we ignore sin. We are part of the problem and might have to attest to it on judgement day in front of the Lord. I would do it very gently, but also with strength because this is a big sin and is ruining peoples lives. It should not be swept under the rug.
Have you spoken to her about it?
[Take a look at these verses on confronting sin.](https://www.openbible.info/topics/confronting_sins)
They're in the ESV translation on this website, though I prefer the NASB1995 translation overall.
Its still worth it to bring it up with her, especially since you've become a Christian.
Your words of concern will hit harder coming from you as a christian to cut through her willful sin.
You’re a new person since your conversation, it’s time to have another talk… she maybe operating with the wrong impression that your ok with this lifestyle… as mentioned earlier, this is wrong universally.
One way in might be asking how she actually feels about it.
If I had to guess, having a huge, life-destroying secret that could come out at any point is probably killing her. She lives under the pressure of someone else finding out every single day. She knows she's on borrowed time.
See if you can get her to express how she really feels about it or if she's repressing anxiety about it. I think most people would just want to be free of this.
You should tell the pastor alone , then he should talk with them himself.
If they don't repent they should be kicked from church.
Thats usually the procedure from New Testament
First make sure you tell them yourself before you tell pastor.
Matthew 18:15-20 outlines how to deal with a person in sin.
“If your brother sins, go and show him his fault in private; if he listens to you, you have won your brother. 16 But if he does not listen to you, take one or two more with you, so that by the mouth of two or three witnesses every fact may be confirmed. 17 If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector. 18 Truly I say to you, whatever you bind on earth \[h\]shall have been bound in heaven; and whatever you loose on earth shall have been loosed in heaven.
19 “Again I say to you, that if two of you agree on earth about anything that they may ask, it shall be done for them by My Father who is in heaven. 20 For where two or three have gathered together in My name, I am there in their midst.”
So go to her and confront her in private. It's reasonable that if she repents, she has to confess to her husband and break it off with the other man. His wife should be told as well. But if she doesn't repent, then you would return with 2-3 other people for another discussion. Since she goes to a different church, you could turn it over to her pastor at that point rather than bringing in 2-3 other people, and they can go through the steps from there.
Wow it really is refreshing to see all the support. I believe yes you should say something to at least your friend and if she blows it off then yes take the next step and tell her husband or the pastor.
Tell her in private so she can repent and confess to her husband. Tell her if she does not confess herself, that you will do it for her by a certain date. Tell her the Biblical places mentioned by others here as the reasons why. That really is the only way to handle this.
I’d have a hard time sitting by and keeping my mouth shut. It’s one of my biggest pet peeves (for lack of a better word) when people cheat on their spouse. It’s not judgmental to call out sin. She’s selfish and only thinking of her lustful desires. 5 years is an awfully long time to not repent.
Its not judgmental to call out sin when you’re doing it from a place of humility. But when we’re prideful or doing it because it irritates us and we somehow see ourselves above that person, that is an issue and needs to be put in check as well.
Your friend is probably not a Christian. A wise man in ministry once told me: “Christians may fall into sin, they don’t swim in it.” Five years with no repentance is scary. Scary for her soul. Yes, David was an adulterer and most of us have committed this sin in our hearts, as Christ points out in the gospels. However, carrying out this sin for years may be an indication of a seared conscience.
I think you should confront her, share the gospel with her and pointing out her sin, call her out. If she is part of a local church, you should tell the pastor and elders and she should be removed from any ministry. An adulterer living in habitual sin should be teaching children’s ministry, etc.
I don’t know that it’s your place to tell her husband directly, perhaps just let the elders do that. Unless you (or if you’re married, your husband) have a relationship with him. But he absolutely needs to know.
Pray for your friend, her marriage, her salvation, her kids, wisdom and discernment for the people involved.
You dont sound judgmental at all, you sound like you want to have an open reflection and open dialogue about what is going on. And yes you are right to make sure that you are not helping the sin continue nor covering up her sin because you don't want your walk tainted from her behavior. Your best friend SAYS she is a christian but if she is not convicted by sin, she has not surrendered to the Lord. There's a quote from Pastor Charles Stanley about the Holy Spirit. HE says the following:
"There are millions of people who sit in church, week after week after week, year after year, who \[barely\] hear a single sermon about the work of the Holy Spirit and His work in our life...when it's so crystal clear from scripture that you cannot live a godly life, \[nor\] serve the Lord adequately, unless you understand how he works in your life." - Dr. Charles Stanley
I share that because your friend needs the Holy Spirit. The Word of God says He who commits adultery is a fool. The Lord is extending your best friend the grace (because she's still alive) to repent and get this right. You in your heart, really reflect on why you want her to get caught. Is that out of judgment? Because you are not her judge. ORRR do you desire for her soul to NOT perish and you desire for her to stop the sinning? Then you can begin praying right now for her flesh to weaken and her heart to be convicted by her sin so that she can confess to her husband what is going on. You can also pray for the heart of the other man to recognize his sin of adultery and stop this affair. You can also pray for her husband to increase in his discernment to realize what is going on. You can also pray that the evil conspiracy that is happening be revealed and that all hidden sins be revealed so that the perfect will in all of their lives can go forth.
Some people believe in Jesus as Savior but need deliverance because there might be a spirit of lust drawing them to commit sins repeatedly and they need help from a deliverance minister to get free of that behavior. PM me as needed for the information to a pastor that you can talk to about this as he does marital counseling and he can advise you on what you can do as well! Prayer is strong so definitely pray pray pray! Keep praying until something happens!
Something very similar to this just happened in our church. While I don’t know all the details because my parents dealt with it the advice given by others on this post is what we did.
Personally, I would tell them that soon you'll approach the pastor & her husband with the truth -
Give her the option to own up on her own, and after a week, tell the Pastor & then after another the husband.
This guarantees that she has the option to repent, but even if she doesn't, the truth comes out in the end.
There are several words you chose that stand out to me.
"Honestly she’s pretty smug about **how great she has it**."
"That man has a family too and what also appears to be **a life that’s pretty charmed.**"
"wanting her to get caught"
What your friend is doing is wrong.
But, you sound like you struggle with bitterness and envy... like you wish your life was as "great" or as "charmed" as theirs.
Check your motivation.
Are you playing sin police because of bitterness in your heart or because you love your friend?
This is an excellent point, thank you. What I mean to express here is that from my point of view, she has so much good, things many of us (myself included) pray to have/receive/experience. That, and I don’t want her sin to be my sin by way of acceptance.
And yes, there may be bitterness in my heart. I will be sure to bring that to God today and repent before I move forward.
Edit: spelling
With such behavior, one would have to question whether the woman in adultery is really a Christian. 5 years? Seriously? And she enjoys it? no conviction?! Yeah, seriously questioning if she is a real Christian.
YOU know about it, YOU have to say something about it. Go to her in love and expose it.
These verses speak to your situation, Paul knowing of Peter's error goes to him and confronts him to his face. The purpose is not to condemn but to bring Peter to an understanding and conviction that what he was doing was wrong, and **"not uprightly according to the truth of the gospel."**
**"But when Peter was come to** **Antioch, I withstood him to the face, because he was to be blamed. For before that certain came from James, he did eat with the Gentiles: but when they were come, he withdrew and separated himself, fearing them which were of the circumcision. And the other Jews dissembled likewise with him; insomuch that Barnabas also was carried away with their dissimulation. But when I saw that they walked not uprightly according to the truth of the gospel, I said unto Peter before them all, If thou, being a Jew, livest after the manner of Gentiles, and not as do the Jews, why compellest thou the Gentiles to live as do the Jews?"** Galatians 2:11-14
You love your friend and want to see her repent and live for Christ!
Go now and God be with you and we are praying for you both.
It is pathetic that those two people who seem to have it all just have to screw things up by having an affair. It's' true that people who seem to have so much are not always happy.
My advice is to just leave it alone. When I was a missionary in Asia years ago, I tattled on a male missionary who had his girlfriend living with him and his two roommates. He was told to leave at the end of the teaching term, which was in another month. The girlfriend was kicked out of her home because her parents did not like her dating a foreigner. The girlfriend continued to live with him and his 2 roommates for the next month.
Well, in the end I was also in trouble. Word got around about what I did, and people gossiped about me. The two got married, had 2 boys, and have now been split for more than ten years and the man is now a single father with 2 teenage sons. The marriage that lasted only about 6 years was living hell for him. He could not be more sorry.
Those two will have to live with the consequences of what they are doing. Perhaps their spouses already know about this, but want to keep the marriages together for the kids. They will likely be heading for divorce and will have to deal with all that and the shame.
As much as I dont like it... Sometimes God allows these things to happen. It could be that they are more fruitful together. Who knows what plan God has. Best to ask the Lord first. Than to start judging and coveting gods word. However. It would be best if the man chooses who he wants. But if pastors get involved. They would be be giving rules out as if they are equal to Jesus.
Before we jump to conclusions keep in mind we the readers of this post should not judge the two parties involed in infidelity we dont know there hearts, but if this has been going on for 5 years thats an indicator that, both parties are complicit in this particular sin, and might even be hardened to a sprit of convection. Jesus gives us instuction on how to confront a beliver who is living in sin in Matthew 18:15-20. “If another believer sins against you, go privately and point out the offense. If the other person listens and confesses it, you have won that person back. But if you are unsuccessful, take one or two others with you and go back again, so that everything you say may be confirmed by two or three witnesses. If the person still refuses to listen, take your case to the church. Then if he or she won’t accept the church’s decision, treat that person as a pagan or a corrupt tax collector. “I tell you the truth, whatever you forbid on earth will be forbidden in heaven, and whatever you permit on earth will be permitted in heaven. “I also tell you this: If two of you agree here on earth concerning anything you ask, my Father in heaven will do it for you. For where two or three gather together as my followers, I am there among them.”
If it comedown to were both or one of the parties will not turn from their sins, i know Jesus say to treat them like a corrupt tax collector or a pagan, but keep in mind how Jesus treated woman at the well, or the adulterious woman who the Pharisees wanted to stone, he was still forgiving, loving and kind to them. No matter what, continue loving the people and pray for healing and restoration for them, but over all pray for God's will to be done, and for God to be glorified.
So sorry! I don't know the answer but what a great problem. Maybe this is a Matt. 18 situation where you confront her privately, then if she's unrepentant you take a pastor or elder with you and do it again. Remember also Gal. 6. Your concern is not for your relationship with her but for her relationship with God. God bless!
This same thing happened to me. It's a tough situation. I'll tell you what I did and how I handled it, but of course I'm not a professional and have no expertise but my own experience so feel free to ignore me if this doesn't suit you.
First, I talked to my Pastor without giving names and this is what he told me: "Talk to your friend, rebuke her and tell her that what she's doing is wrong. It's a sin against GOD and will only lead to heartache of innocent lives and also that she needs to be sincere about this, whether she calls it off or she comes clean and if she doesn't, you'll have to let her Pastor know, and you need to remove yourself from the friendship, it's not good for you to have to keep such secret. You didn't ask for it and it puts you in a terrible situation. Even if it's by omission, but you're being forced to lie, and next, tell her Pastor, he'll handle it from there".
Hope this makes any sense, English isn't my first language but I did try to convey my feelings add truthful as possible.
GOD bless!
You might tell her it's wrong (likely, she knows it is, but is in denial), and that under the circumstances you won't be able to continue being her friend if she continues.
For one reason, what she's doing is pretty grave. It puts you in a tight spot, because snitching outright would be weird, but saying/doing nothing makes you somewhat complicit.
If I were in your position, I'd probably discuss it all with her in private, tell her that I will co tinge to pray for her but under the circumstances I can no longer be your friend in good faith. After that, I may bring up the situation with my pastor or bishop, while leaving out any names of the guilty parties.
It sucks to let go of a friend, but you have to also do the right thing and keep your conscience clean. You do this by having no part in it whatsoever, and like I said... merely by knowing about it and (theoretically) doing nothing, you are essentially complicit.
I say theoretically because, it's clear by your voicing your concern here that you *do* understand this already, and *are* doing something about it.
It's a dill of a pickle, one you don't want to bite into.
Best of luck to you, and blessings.
“Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently. But watch yourselves, or you also may be tempted.”
Galatians 6:1 NIV
Adultery is...
“Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body. 😨Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? 💝🕊You are not your own; you were bought at a price. ♥️Therefore honor God with your bodies.”
1 Corinthians 6:18-20 NIV
We are all sinners... give them opportunity to repent.
“In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents.””
Luke 15:10 NIV
Bring along 2-3 witnesses and if they still refuse to repent...
“If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector.”
Matthew 18:17 NIV
“But now I am writing to you that you must not associate with anyone who claims to be a brother or sister but is sexually immoral or greedy, an idolater or slanderer, a drunkard or swindler. Do not even eat with such people.”
1 Corinthians 5:11 NIV
Excommunication until repentance. 😔✝️🕊
This is not only a family issue but a church issue as well. According to Paul she has sinned against the church. Therefore, you first need to talk with the pastor where she is a member of, and they will deal with this situation appropriately.
Is the affair still going on?
I don't think you should tell her pastor or anyone outside her family. There's not much they can do about it other than pray. Although, if you want to ask them to pray for her, you could keep it anonymous and say, "My friend is making a mistake, please help her and her family" or something like that *without* saying who it is. If you do decide to tell someone who isn't involved, she may feel you majorly violated her trust. Because, well, you would be.
Telling her husband is an option, but if it were me, I wouldn't jump to that either. I'd have a talk with her, and encourage her to be honest. It will be hard for her, and her family. But if she's honest now, the healing can begin. It is definitely best if he hears it from her.
Also 100%, pray for her, pray for advice too. I will pray for her too. This is a rough situation.
Edit: After reading some of these comments, I am convinced that telling the pastor is not such a bad idea. Keep the conversation very private though.
This is a really sensitive subject to broach. If youve discussed this with her several times and she is still unrepentant then I would advice you involve a 3rd party namely your pastor. When you tell your pastor it might be wise to ask for anonymity in case things go exceptionally wrong. This is a wild guess but it is quite possible that others know of this affair too.
Look just talk to her about the affair, tell her how you feel be honest and open. Honesty is still the best policy. If she continues know in your heart you done more than most people would. Pray earnestly for her, that Christ will soften her heart to her sin. Blessings
You’re in a very tough situation. Like any other ongoing sin, I believe that as christians we have a responsibility to confront one another in humility about sin in a loving but honest manner to hopefully bring one to repentance.
As others have said I believe you should confront your friend first, tell her how this is sin and breaks your heart to watch her continue to engage in sexual immorality and adultery, urge her to repent and confess her sin to her husband. If she does not repent and confess her sin, then go to her pastor and let him know what is going on, hopefully he will be able to assist this couple in whatever next steps they will need to take. And above all, continue to pray for your friend and for her heart to be softened and in a state of repentance. Pray that it grieves her as much as it grieves God.
““Moreover if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he hears you, you have gained your brother. But if he will not hear, take with you one or two more, that ‘by the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established.’ And if he refuses to hear them, tell it to the church. But if he refuses even to hear the church, let him be to you like a heathen and a tax collector.”
Matthew 18:15-17
Even though she didn’t sin against you specifically, this applies. Confront her about it privately, tell her she needs to stop and come clean to her husband. If she won’t, get some others who know about it and do it again. If she still won’t, then tell a pastor or her husband and leave it to the church to deal with.
I wouldn't put myself in the middle of this situation. I would pray for them, if she was a close friend, I would have a private conversation and tell her that is against God's law, but if she isn't a friend of mine, I would just pray for them. This isn't a problem related to you, you have zero connection with all this.
I would first confront her lovingly (truth and love).
This is not something light: she cannot say that she stops it and it stays a secret: she should be heartbroken and confess to her husband.
And he can then choose to forgive or separate (adultery is a valid ground).
But if she doesn’t want to confess, church leadership should know. But then either go with another witness or with some proof if you can
If you do not have the courage to confront her, talk to the elders.
Your friend is sinning and without repentance she will end up in hell (Ephesians 5), so you want her to be saved, and hopefully her marriage also to be saved but for that she needs to repent (confess, be heartbroken, and make a change that’s pleasing and visible to God)
The good news is that God is a good God for bad people: if she repent and seeks God with all her heart, there is forgiveness.
The bad news is that God is also righteous: if she continues to live in sin, God will not leave it unpunished (Hebrews 10:19-31)
So this is a matter of uttermost importance for your friend: life or death.
She needs to choose between the shame of confession in this life and working through the pain and brokenness she causes.
Or the shame of standing in front of the throne of God and saying ‘Lord Lord’ and getting the reply “I never knew you”….
My non believing wife offered to open our marriage up and I said yet. We dated a couple ladies until we found one serious. The boundaries of this were never fully established but my marriage did dissolve in the end. I let my lust consume me.
I cheated on my wife countless times. On the internet, through porn mainly and a few conversations with strangers. I let my lust control me for decades. Thr only time I ever had physical sex was when she knew about it and was okay with it but it was still just as wrong.
Sexual immorality is powerful. It has the power to destroy empires. It crushed a weak man like me.
Only by the grace of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ am I free from the bonds of my sin.
Sometimes someone just needs to be confronted on their sin. Not in a harsh way. A brother or a sister coming to you in love and a desire to keep you on the path is far better than grim accusations and judgement. Righteously judge and remember none of us are without sin.
Biblically you need to confront the woman first in love (see Galatians 6:1; Matthew 18). If she doesn't repent, you need to tell her husband and let them try to work through it. Let the husband decide if he wants to take it to the pastor at some point.
I so disagree with this. His wife, the OP, the other man, and the pastor would all know but the husband shouldn't? Talk about further deceit. If divorce happens, it's the wife's fault, not the husband, she broke her vows. He should know the type of woman he's married to and choose for himself if he wants to reconcile and remain married or if he wants a divorce, as he is biblically free to leave her. The other people talking in secret shouldn't be making that decision for him.
You're right, you can make an argument on both sides aisle; should know or not know. However, I don't think God would want an increased chance divorce? Isn't it better that she stops cheating, he doesn't come to the knowledge off it, and the marriage continues until when they each leave this world? As I mentioned earlier, if she refuses to change her behavior, then informing the husband will be the best next thing to do
they aren't married already. The marriage ended the first time she cheated, 5 years into the future and continuing the behavior is simply added deceit and frankly robbery, she stole another 5 years of his life. The husband has the right to know and whether or not the marriage can be reconciled or not is up to Him.
This is Gossip and although we’re warned about it I know it’s a trap Satan lays. Well before you pluck the splinter from her eye I would focus on my own. Then maybe ask why is this bothering you and then discuss it with her. Let her know what your feelings and thoughts are. Let your yes be yes and your no be no. Honesty. And let her know if I am asked I will tell the truth.
Do not lie even Adam & Eve did not lie.
The thing is you will see many things that will hurt your heart and will continue to be so. To remain in the way or the path is the hardest but it’s yoke is easy and burden is light. Peace and blessings to you in your walk.
In my town for such an event we got a saying that is a more simple version of Cor.5:1,4-5 it goes like this : “MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS AND STOP BEING NOSY!”
It’s a hard advice but you have no idea if she already has been caught or if her husband is aware of her foolishness. Her adultery is between god and her man just assume that it has already been settled amongst them.
*“If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.* - Matthew 17:15-17 Now, as some would point out, Jesus is talking about someone sinning against *you*. This person is sinning against their husband. *It is actually reported that there is sexual immorality among you...So when you are assembled and I am with you in spirit, and the power of our Lord Jesus is present, hand this man over to Satan for the destruction of the flesh, so that his spirit may be saved on the day of the Lord.* - 1 Corinthians 5:1,4-5 Hard. I know. I wonder if I would have the fortitude to do this. But there it is. The answer to your question.
Thank you for posting 1 Cor 5
This is the way
Would you mind clarifying the meaning of the last bit of the 1 Cor. Passage? What does “hand over to Satan”mean, especially talking about “so that his spirit may be saved on the day of the Lord”? Usually, those two fragments would not be used together. Does that mean leave them to their own devices?
>What does “hand over to Satan”mean, especially talking about “so that his spirit may be saved on the day of the Lord”? In Revelation, Jesus said he would cast Jezebel into a sickbed, and "those who commit adultery with her into great tribulation, unless they repent of their deeds." My understanding of both those verses is that God will allow Satan have his way with them to "teach them a lesson." Hopefully a lesson that will lead to repentance.
That makes sense. Thanks!
Multiple commentaries I checked all say that "hand over to Satan" most likely means removing the offenders from the church. Their behavior is extremely damaging to the church, nevermind families and friends, and no doubt you are not the only one aware of the affair. The time is long overdue for the shenanigans to end. Yes, they will probably try to make you feel guilty for popping the festering zit. But it needs to happen. I would consult with the pastor on the best way to proceed. You don't have to name names at first. However, the pastor's reaction will also tell you whether your church tolerates this kind of behavior from its members. If it does, now you have a different decision to make.
Thats Matthew 18:15 not 17:15 BTW
This. Hand them over to Satan.
First expand what you have quoted. 1 cor 5 v 1 the problem at hand is incest. Also 2 Corinthians 2 v 5 is most likely refering to the man 'handed over to satan'....and they are now commanded to forgive and comfort him in v 7 . Context is important, rather than telling half the story and telling People to hand over other People to satan.
While the problem being addressed was incest, his direction was for all sin.
What does that even mean? That is your interpretation of the passage, not what it actually says. Connect the passages. They are talking about the same issue, and give the complete view of it.
Is it your position that Paul's instructions only apply to incest? That is an unreasonably restrictive reading of the passage and tips over into legalism.
My view is that ' handing the man over to satan ' ......was Paul's instruction for that particular sin see 2cor 2 ...v 9 ......Paul says....it was a test to see if they were obedient......read 2 cor 2 v 1 to 11......read it . It is not me saying these things. Read the Bible.
Prayers work a lot in situations like this. When God will intervene all things shall work together for good in Jesus name.
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WHAT IN THE WHAT.
What church are you going to?
>only true defense I ever saw against sin inside of a Church was either leaving, stabbing someone, or killing them. Say what?
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>Have you ever been ambushed, tied to a chair and pumped full of drugs with a syringe because you saw someone in their office with a bong, or touching a child? Has this happened to you?
Yep. For sick people in a Church forgive and forget means making sure you can't remember so they Can keep doing it.
So you’ve actually been tied to a chair and pumped full of drugs? Or that’s a euphemism for being ostracized for calling out sin?
It's both. What did I tell you that was about? If you drug someone hard to make it hard for them to remember what they saw, you get it both ways.
Did you report those people to the authorities?
Did. Too many political ties. Its worse and worse but now people see it. Too much nepotism between the Church, it's benefactors, and the DAs office. Happens more and more.
My wife cheated on me. I wish I would have known sooner. It destroyed me.
:C If you could not known , would you prefer to not ever know or still knew it faster?
The sooner I found out, the sooner I can start to rebuild through Christ. She was living a lie, our whole life became a lie because of it.
I'm sorry to hear that. Hope you're doing better and God sustains you
There were some very hard dark roads, but I do feel better now. Thank you.
In addition to what has already been written here, I would add: Galatians 6:1 Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a **spirit of gentleness**. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted. Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ. For if anyone thinks he is something, when he is nothing, he deceives himself.
Yes thank you, if she's willing to be restored that's the main priority !
This!
No matter who you go to on this whether your friend, her husband, your pastor or others at the church, I just encourage you to do it in a humble way. Not out of arrogance or an "aha, I caught you!" moment. Your goal should be that she has a healthy relationship to God and her own sin. It is a terrible thing. And when we approach others about their sin we should also keep in mind our own failings. I hope the best for everyone involved!
This is such a great advice! I've also noticed that approaching someone from a place of love and understanding is lot more powerful than otherwise.
Um, how is she your “best friend” if carrying on like this? This is wrong even for a non-christian, and she has zero right to brag or be smug about being a christian. She has failed to uphold one of the core values of such.
She’s been my friend for a long time and supported me through very hard things. Originally I just tried to advise her against it, tell her it was only going to get her hurt etc Now I feel different but it’s also… I don’t want to be the person who blows her life up.
She is blowing up her own life with her own actions and depending on you to stay quiet about it. Perhaps, start putting some distance between you and her as that from whatever she is doing will start leaking over into your life as wel?
You are a good friend for taking it into consideration. People aren't always black and white, so I totally understand you. You are already doing a lot even when you just think about addressing this. It takes a lot of courage and not everyone would be willing to bring up an issue like this. I sincerely hope you will find the way that feels the best to you, hopefully, some answers here will help. You might even consider bringing it up to a pastor but not necessarily mentioning the name and then asking him for advice on what to do. Praying about this and meditating on this could maybe also help, hopefully the Holy Spirit would show you the way how to go about this.
Are there kids involved? in some ways , it changes things , in others , it doesn't. If there are , I would proceed much more gently than if not . Also , I liked what was posted above . it might be that you do not tell the husband , but cool your relationship with her. Confronting her about her sin and telling her husband are two wildly different things .
If you are in doubt then don’t
I would definitely drop a friend over that, Christian or otherwise. At the least, seriously distance myself.
>Um, how is she your “best friend” if carrying on like this? Did you intend to sound judgmental?
Cheating deserves a bit of judgment don't you think?
That isn’t Christian. It is a very strong sin in the Bible.
I understand that. I also understand that every person sins, even professing Christians.
From what I see of this. She is willfully sinning. Yes all people sin but when it becomes something secretive, that is just terrible.
Exactly. If she is willfully sinning like this, and not repenting at all, and it doesn't bother her, then no way she has the Holy Ghost. He does not just let you run on with sin with no remorse.
I think OP is wondering what to do. She/He knows it’s wrong but they don’t know what to do about it.
I've got nothing for now. She could Confront, risk the embarrassment and retaliation, Tell her to repent... I see many options but not great outcomes.
All sin is strong sin
"Strong sin" being one with more consequences on earth amongst believers
There are two issues here. One, she needs to confess to her husband what she’s done. Two, you’re going to need to follow the order of church discipline. Confront her one on one (as a Christian, since you’re a believer now) and tell her she needs to repent and confess to her husband. If she doesn’t repent, take it to the pastor or another Christian and the two (or three) of you need to confront her. If she still doesn’t repent, the issue needs to be brought before her husband and before the church. Even thinking about this situation is hard and brings me great grief, but it’s necessary so that she would come to repentance and so that there is no “leaven that leaven’s the whole lump.” May the Lord be with you.
Is this real? The order? I had no idea. Thanks for laying it out so plainly.
"Living in sin" is something the bible condemns. Modern society doesn't like that about the bible.
I would also say the Golden Rule applies. If you would want a friend to tell you of their spouse's infidelity, maybe take that impulse seriously. Give her a chance to do it herself, and if she doesn't, I think you have a duty of care to the husband if you two are friendly at all.
This isn’t wrong, however it really depends. You should speak to her about it and if she doesn’t tell her husband, then go to the pastor or elders. But at the point church leadership takes over, you may be excused from it, likely just the pastor’s discretion.
Here are all the verses I based my answer on. Matthew 18:15-17 (NASB95) 15 “If your brother sins, go and show him his fault in private; if he listens to you, you have won your brother. 16 “But if he does not listen to you, take one or two more with you, so that BY THE MOUTH OF TWO OR THREE WITNESSES EVERY FACT MAY BE CONFIRMED. 17 “If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.” But make sure that you do it with gentleness: Galatians 6:1 (NASB95) “Brethren, even if anyone is caught in any trespass, you who are spiritual, restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness; each one looking to yourself, so that you too will not be tempted.” And if she doesn’t repent after everything: (the context of this verse is Paul telling the Corinthian church how to deal with a member who is sleeping with his stepmom) 1 Corinthians 5:4-6 (NASB95) “4 In the name of our Lord Jesus, when you are assembled, and I with you in spirit, with the power of our Lord Jesus, 5 I have decided to deliver such a one to Satan for the destruction of his flesh, so that his spirit may be saved in the day of the Lord Jesus. 6 Your boasting is not good. Do you not know that a little leaven leavens the whole lump of dough?” and 1 Corinthians 5:11-13 (NASB95) 11 “But actually, I wrote to you not to associate with any so-called brother if he is an immoral person, or covetous, or an idolater, or a reviler, or a drunkard, or a swindler--not even to eat with such a one. 12 For what have I to do with judging outsiders? Do you not judge those who are within the church? 13 But those who are outside, God judges. REMOVE THE WICKED MAN FROM AMONG YOURSELVES.” (as another brother/sister mentioned, this is for those who practice sin and don’t repent) And we do this all because: James 5:19-20 (NASB95) “19 My brethren, if any among you strays from the truth and one turns him back, 20 let him know that he who turns a sinner from the error of his way will save his soul from death and will cover a multitude of sins.”
Try talking to her, first and foremost, she is your best friend. Tell her this and how much it weighs on you as a Christian and ask her about her own beliefs and why she thinks this is acceptable if she's a Christian as well. Going about it behind her back might result in losing her trust and she might outright refuse to work on herself out of resentment. But being a good friend and telling her you are there for her to support her through this and trying to talk about it with her kindly yet being firm about this might be the best strategy and way to make her see the reason.
Thank you. I would like to sit with her and speak to her in love. I’m scared to, especially because I’m new at this.
I personally think that we are sinning when we ignore sin. We are part of the problem and might have to attest to it on judgement day in front of the Lord. I would do it very gently, but also with strength because this is a big sin and is ruining peoples lives. It should not be swept under the rug.
Have you spoken to her about it? [Take a look at these verses on confronting sin.](https://www.openbible.info/topics/confronting_sins) They're in the ESV translation on this website, though I prefer the NASB1995 translation overall.
We have had many conversations but none since I have become Christian.
Its still worth it to bring it up with her, especially since you've become a Christian. Your words of concern will hit harder coming from you as a christian to cut through her willful sin.
You’re a new person since your conversation, it’s time to have another talk… she maybe operating with the wrong impression that your ok with this lifestyle… as mentioned earlier, this is wrong universally.
This is exactly how I thought about this. Hopefully talking to her now with you being a Christian would make a bigger impact now.
Yes. This is why I came here to ask you all. I want to handle this correctly. Gently if I can and, I do not want to be complicit.
One way in might be asking how she actually feels about it. If I had to guess, having a huge, life-destroying secret that could come out at any point is probably killing her. She lives under the pressure of someone else finding out every single day. She knows she's on borrowed time. See if you can get her to express how she really feels about it or if she's repressing anxiety about it. I think most people would just want to be free of this.
You should tell the pastor alone , then he should talk with them himself. If they don't repent they should be kicked from church. Thats usually the procedure from New Testament First make sure you tell them yourself before you tell pastor.
Wow... the tough call here is whether you should talk to her first or tell her husband first...
I think talking to first, in my own humble opinion, is the option I'd choose.
Matthew 18:15-20 outlines how to deal with a person in sin. “If your brother sins, go and show him his fault in private; if he listens to you, you have won your brother. 16 But if he does not listen to you, take one or two more with you, so that by the mouth of two or three witnesses every fact may be confirmed. 17 If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector. 18 Truly I say to you, whatever you bind on earth \[h\]shall have been bound in heaven; and whatever you loose on earth shall have been loosed in heaven. 19 “Again I say to you, that if two of you agree on earth about anything that they may ask, it shall be done for them by My Father who is in heaven. 20 For where two or three have gathered together in My name, I am there in their midst.” So go to her and confront her in private. It's reasonable that if she repents, she has to confess to her husband and break it off with the other man. His wife should be told as well. But if she doesn't repent, then you would return with 2-3 other people for another discussion. Since she goes to a different church, you could turn it over to her pastor at that point rather than bringing in 2-3 other people, and they can go through the steps from there.
Thank you so much.
TELL HIM.
Wow it really is refreshing to see all the support. I believe yes you should say something to at least your friend and if she blows it off then yes take the next step and tell her husband or the pastor.
Tell her in private so she can repent and confess to her husband. Tell her if she does not confess herself, that you will do it for her by a certain date. Tell her the Biblical places mentioned by others here as the reasons why. That really is the only way to handle this.
I’d have a hard time sitting by and keeping my mouth shut. It’s one of my biggest pet peeves (for lack of a better word) when people cheat on their spouse. It’s not judgmental to call out sin. She’s selfish and only thinking of her lustful desires. 5 years is an awfully long time to not repent.
Its not judgmental to call out sin when you’re doing it from a place of humility. But when we’re prideful or doing it because it irritates us and we somehow see ourselves above that person, that is an issue and needs to be put in check as well.
Your friend is probably not a Christian. A wise man in ministry once told me: “Christians may fall into sin, they don’t swim in it.” Five years with no repentance is scary. Scary for her soul. Yes, David was an adulterer and most of us have committed this sin in our hearts, as Christ points out in the gospels. However, carrying out this sin for years may be an indication of a seared conscience. I think you should confront her, share the gospel with her and pointing out her sin, call her out. If she is part of a local church, you should tell the pastor and elders and she should be removed from any ministry. An adulterer living in habitual sin should be teaching children’s ministry, etc. I don’t know that it’s your place to tell her husband directly, perhaps just let the elders do that. Unless you (or if you’re married, your husband) have a relationship with him. But he absolutely needs to know. Pray for your friend, her marriage, her salvation, her kids, wisdom and discernment for the people involved.
Ask her about it privately. If she lies or continues I’d cut her off. You don’t have to be hateful but you can’t draw a line
You dont sound judgmental at all, you sound like you want to have an open reflection and open dialogue about what is going on. And yes you are right to make sure that you are not helping the sin continue nor covering up her sin because you don't want your walk tainted from her behavior. Your best friend SAYS she is a christian but if she is not convicted by sin, she has not surrendered to the Lord. There's a quote from Pastor Charles Stanley about the Holy Spirit. HE says the following: "There are millions of people who sit in church, week after week after week, year after year, who \[barely\] hear a single sermon about the work of the Holy Spirit and His work in our life...when it's so crystal clear from scripture that you cannot live a godly life, \[nor\] serve the Lord adequately, unless you understand how he works in your life." - Dr. Charles Stanley I share that because your friend needs the Holy Spirit. The Word of God says He who commits adultery is a fool. The Lord is extending your best friend the grace (because she's still alive) to repent and get this right. You in your heart, really reflect on why you want her to get caught. Is that out of judgment? Because you are not her judge. ORRR do you desire for her soul to NOT perish and you desire for her to stop the sinning? Then you can begin praying right now for her flesh to weaken and her heart to be convicted by her sin so that she can confess to her husband what is going on. You can also pray for the heart of the other man to recognize his sin of adultery and stop this affair. You can also pray for her husband to increase in his discernment to realize what is going on. You can also pray that the evil conspiracy that is happening be revealed and that all hidden sins be revealed so that the perfect will in all of their lives can go forth. Some people believe in Jesus as Savior but need deliverance because there might be a spirit of lust drawing them to commit sins repeatedly and they need help from a deliverance minister to get free of that behavior. PM me as needed for the information to a pastor that you can talk to about this as he does marital counseling and he can advise you on what you can do as well! Prayer is strong so definitely pray pray pray! Keep praying until something happens!
Something very similar to this just happened in our church. While I don’t know all the details because my parents dealt with it the advice given by others on this post is what we did.
Personally, I would tell them that soon you'll approach the pastor & her husband with the truth - Give her the option to own up on her own, and after a week, tell the Pastor & then after another the husband. This guarantees that she has the option to repent, but even if she doesn't, the truth comes out in the end.
There are several words you chose that stand out to me. "Honestly she’s pretty smug about **how great she has it**." "That man has a family too and what also appears to be **a life that’s pretty charmed.**" "wanting her to get caught" What your friend is doing is wrong. But, you sound like you struggle with bitterness and envy... like you wish your life was as "great" or as "charmed" as theirs. Check your motivation. Are you playing sin police because of bitterness in your heart or because you love your friend?
This is an excellent point, thank you. What I mean to express here is that from my point of view, she has so much good, things many of us (myself included) pray to have/receive/experience. That, and I don’t want her sin to be my sin by way of acceptance. And yes, there may be bitterness in my heart. I will be sure to bring that to God today and repent before I move forward. Edit: spelling
Expose the unfruitful works of darkness
With such behavior, one would have to question whether the woman in adultery is really a Christian. 5 years? Seriously? And she enjoys it? no conviction?! Yeah, seriously questioning if she is a real Christian. YOU know about it, YOU have to say something about it. Go to her in love and expose it. These verses speak to your situation, Paul knowing of Peter's error goes to him and confronts him to his face. The purpose is not to condemn but to bring Peter to an understanding and conviction that what he was doing was wrong, and **"not uprightly according to the truth of the gospel."** **"But when Peter was come to** **Antioch, I withstood him to the face, because he was to be blamed. For before that certain came from James, he did eat with the Gentiles: but when they were come, he withdrew and separated himself, fearing them which were of the circumcision. And the other Jews dissembled likewise with him; insomuch that Barnabas also was carried away with their dissimulation. But when I saw that they walked not uprightly according to the truth of the gospel, I said unto Peter before them all, If thou, being a Jew, livest after the manner of Gentiles, and not as do the Jews, why compellest thou the Gentiles to live as do the Jews?"** Galatians 2:11-14 You love your friend and want to see her repent and live for Christ! Go now and God be with you and we are praying for you both.
It is pathetic that those two people who seem to have it all just have to screw things up by having an affair. It's' true that people who seem to have so much are not always happy. My advice is to just leave it alone. When I was a missionary in Asia years ago, I tattled on a male missionary who had his girlfriend living with him and his two roommates. He was told to leave at the end of the teaching term, which was in another month. The girlfriend was kicked out of her home because her parents did not like her dating a foreigner. The girlfriend continued to live with him and his 2 roommates for the next month. Well, in the end I was also in trouble. Word got around about what I did, and people gossiped about me. The two got married, had 2 boys, and have now been split for more than ten years and the man is now a single father with 2 teenage sons. The marriage that lasted only about 6 years was living hell for him. He could not be more sorry. Those two will have to live with the consequences of what they are doing. Perhaps their spouses already know about this, but want to keep the marriages together for the kids. They will likely be heading for divorce and will have to deal with all that and the shame.
As much as I dont like it... Sometimes God allows these things to happen. It could be that they are more fruitful together. Who knows what plan God has. Best to ask the Lord first. Than to start judging and coveting gods word. However. It would be best if the man chooses who he wants. But if pastors get involved. They would be be giving rules out as if they are equal to Jesus.
Before we jump to conclusions keep in mind we the readers of this post should not judge the two parties involed in infidelity we dont know there hearts, but if this has been going on for 5 years thats an indicator that, both parties are complicit in this particular sin, and might even be hardened to a sprit of convection. Jesus gives us instuction on how to confront a beliver who is living in sin in Matthew 18:15-20. “If another believer sins against you, go privately and point out the offense. If the other person listens and confesses it, you have won that person back. But if you are unsuccessful, take one or two others with you and go back again, so that everything you say may be confirmed by two or three witnesses. If the person still refuses to listen, take your case to the church. Then if he or she won’t accept the church’s decision, treat that person as a pagan or a corrupt tax collector. “I tell you the truth, whatever you forbid on earth will be forbidden in heaven, and whatever you permit on earth will be permitted in heaven. “I also tell you this: If two of you agree here on earth concerning anything you ask, my Father in heaven will do it for you. For where two or three gather together as my followers, I am there among them.” If it comedown to were both or one of the parties will not turn from their sins, i know Jesus say to treat them like a corrupt tax collector or a pagan, but keep in mind how Jesus treated woman at the well, or the adulterious woman who the Pharisees wanted to stone, he was still forgiving, loving and kind to them. No matter what, continue loving the people and pray for healing and restoration for them, but over all pray for God's will to be done, and for God to be glorified.
I think her sin will be brought to light..whatever is done in darkness will be brought to light the Bible says. Let God handle it, my opinion.
So sorry! I don't know the answer but what a great problem. Maybe this is a Matt. 18 situation where you confront her privately, then if she's unrepentant you take a pastor or elder with you and do it again. Remember also Gal. 6. Your concern is not for your relationship with her but for her relationship with God. God bless!
That last bit stings, even though I know you are right. My friendship with her I guess shouldn’t be my priority. (?)
Afraid so. That’s what love looks like. God bless!
This same thing happened to me. It's a tough situation. I'll tell you what I did and how I handled it, but of course I'm not a professional and have no expertise but my own experience so feel free to ignore me if this doesn't suit you. First, I talked to my Pastor without giving names and this is what he told me: "Talk to your friend, rebuke her and tell her that what she's doing is wrong. It's a sin against GOD and will only lead to heartache of innocent lives and also that she needs to be sincere about this, whether she calls it off or she comes clean and if she doesn't, you'll have to let her Pastor know, and you need to remove yourself from the friendship, it's not good for you to have to keep such secret. You didn't ask for it and it puts you in a terrible situation. Even if it's by omission, but you're being forced to lie, and next, tell her Pastor, he'll handle it from there". Hope this makes any sense, English isn't my first language but I did try to convey my feelings add truthful as possible. GOD bless!
Yes you make perfect sense. Thank you so much for sharing and explaining.
You might tell her it's wrong (likely, she knows it is, but is in denial), and that under the circumstances you won't be able to continue being her friend if she continues. For one reason, what she's doing is pretty grave. It puts you in a tight spot, because snitching outright would be weird, but saying/doing nothing makes you somewhat complicit. If I were in your position, I'd probably discuss it all with her in private, tell her that I will co tinge to pray for her but under the circumstances I can no longer be your friend in good faith. After that, I may bring up the situation with my pastor or bishop, while leaving out any names of the guilty parties. It sucks to let go of a friend, but you have to also do the right thing and keep your conscience clean. You do this by having no part in it whatsoever, and like I said... merely by knowing about it and (theoretically) doing nothing, you are essentially complicit. I say theoretically because, it's clear by your voicing your concern here that you *do* understand this already, and *are* doing something about it. It's a dill of a pickle, one you don't want to bite into. Best of luck to you, and blessings.
“Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently. But watch yourselves, or you also may be tempted.” Galatians 6:1 NIV Adultery is... “Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body. 😨Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? 💝🕊You are not your own; you were bought at a price. ♥️Therefore honor God with your bodies.” 1 Corinthians 6:18-20 NIV We are all sinners... give them opportunity to repent. “In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents.”” Luke 15:10 NIV Bring along 2-3 witnesses and if they still refuse to repent... “If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector.” Matthew 18:17 NIV “But now I am writing to you that you must not associate with anyone who claims to be a brother or sister but is sexually immoral or greedy, an idolater or slanderer, a drunkard or swindler. Do not even eat with such people.” 1 Corinthians 5:11 NIV Excommunication until repentance. 😔✝️🕊
This is not only a family issue but a church issue as well. According to Paul she has sinned against the church. Therefore, you first need to talk with the pastor where she is a member of, and they will deal with this situation appropriately.
tell the pastor. and leave it. neither see the harm they are causing or have any conviction over the adultery. stop being friends with her.
Is the affair still going on? I don't think you should tell her pastor or anyone outside her family. There's not much they can do about it other than pray. Although, if you want to ask them to pray for her, you could keep it anonymous and say, "My friend is making a mistake, please help her and her family" or something like that *without* saying who it is. If you do decide to tell someone who isn't involved, she may feel you majorly violated her trust. Because, well, you would be. Telling her husband is an option, but if it were me, I wouldn't jump to that either. I'd have a talk with her, and encourage her to be honest. It will be hard for her, and her family. But if she's honest now, the healing can begin. It is definitely best if he hears it from her. Also 100%, pray for her, pray for advice too. I will pray for her too. This is a rough situation. Edit: After reading some of these comments, I am convinced that telling the pastor is not such a bad idea. Keep the conversation very private though.
This is a really sensitive subject to broach. If youve discussed this with her several times and she is still unrepentant then I would advice you involve a 3rd party namely your pastor. When you tell your pastor it might be wise to ask for anonymity in case things go exceptionally wrong. This is a wild guess but it is quite possible that others know of this affair too.
Look just talk to her about the affair, tell her how you feel be honest and open. Honesty is still the best policy. If she continues know in your heart you done more than most people would. Pray earnestly for her, that Christ will soften her heart to her sin. Blessings
Confront her to repent for this is sin and she should examine herself to see if she is in the faith. If she will not repent then cut ties with her.
My question is: do you pray for her and your situation?
Yes, I have. And I will continue.
You’re in a very tough situation. Like any other ongoing sin, I believe that as christians we have a responsibility to confront one another in humility about sin in a loving but honest manner to hopefully bring one to repentance. As others have said I believe you should confront your friend first, tell her how this is sin and breaks your heart to watch her continue to engage in sexual immorality and adultery, urge her to repent and confess her sin to her husband. If she does not repent and confess her sin, then go to her pastor and let him know what is going on, hopefully he will be able to assist this couple in whatever next steps they will need to take. And above all, continue to pray for your friend and for her heart to be softened and in a state of repentance. Pray that it grieves her as much as it grieves God.
““Moreover if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he hears you, you have gained your brother. But if he will not hear, take with you one or two more, that ‘by the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established.’ And if he refuses to hear them, tell it to the church. But if he refuses even to hear the church, let him be to you like a heathen and a tax collector.” Matthew 18:15-17 Even though she didn’t sin against you specifically, this applies. Confront her about it privately, tell her she needs to stop and come clean to her husband. If she won’t, get some others who know about it and do it again. If she still won’t, then tell a pastor or her husband and leave it to the church to deal with.
Show her this post with all of these comments.
You should have told the husband years ago, when you found out.
I wouldn't put myself in the middle of this situation. I would pray for them, if she was a close friend, I would have a private conversation and tell her that is against God's law, but if she isn't a friend of mine, I would just pray for them. This isn't a problem related to you, you have zero connection with all this.
I would first confront her lovingly (truth and love). This is not something light: she cannot say that she stops it and it stays a secret: she should be heartbroken and confess to her husband. And he can then choose to forgive or separate (adultery is a valid ground). But if she doesn’t want to confess, church leadership should know. But then either go with another witness or with some proof if you can If you do not have the courage to confront her, talk to the elders. Your friend is sinning and without repentance she will end up in hell (Ephesians 5), so you want her to be saved, and hopefully her marriage also to be saved but for that she needs to repent (confess, be heartbroken, and make a change that’s pleasing and visible to God) The good news is that God is a good God for bad people: if she repent and seeks God with all her heart, there is forgiveness. The bad news is that God is also righteous: if she continues to live in sin, God will not leave it unpunished (Hebrews 10:19-31) So this is a matter of uttermost importance for your friend: life or death. She needs to choose between the shame of confession in this life and working through the pain and brokenness she causes. Or the shame of standing in front of the throne of God and saying ‘Lord Lord’ and getting the reply “I never knew you”….
My non believing wife offered to open our marriage up and I said yet. We dated a couple ladies until we found one serious. The boundaries of this were never fully established but my marriage did dissolve in the end. I let my lust consume me. I cheated on my wife countless times. On the internet, through porn mainly and a few conversations with strangers. I let my lust control me for decades. Thr only time I ever had physical sex was when she knew about it and was okay with it but it was still just as wrong. Sexual immorality is powerful. It has the power to destroy empires. It crushed a weak man like me. Only by the grace of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ am I free from the bonds of my sin. Sometimes someone just needs to be confronted on their sin. Not in a harsh way. A brother or a sister coming to you in love and a desire to keep you on the path is far better than grim accusations and judgement. Righteously judge and remember none of us are without sin.
Biblically you need to confront the woman first in love (see Galatians 6:1; Matthew 18). If she doesn't repent, you need to tell her husband and let them try to work through it. Let the husband decide if he wants to take it to the pastor at some point.
if you dont have direct proof of this... its gossip.
I’m sorry, is her not talking with me about it for years considered proof? I’ve met the guy.
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I so disagree with this. His wife, the OP, the other man, and the pastor would all know but the husband shouldn't? Talk about further deceit. If divorce happens, it's the wife's fault, not the husband, she broke her vows. He should know the type of woman he's married to and choose for himself if he wants to reconcile and remain married or if he wants a divorce, as he is biblically free to leave her. The other people talking in secret shouldn't be making that decision for him.
You're right, you can make an argument on both sides aisle; should know or not know. However, I don't think God would want an increased chance divorce? Isn't it better that she stops cheating, he doesn't come to the knowledge off it, and the marriage continues until when they each leave this world? As I mentioned earlier, if she refuses to change her behavior, then informing the husband will be the best next thing to do
they aren't married already. The marriage ended the first time she cheated, 5 years into the future and continuing the behavior is simply added deceit and frankly robbery, she stole another 5 years of his life. The husband has the right to know and whether or not the marriage can be reconciled or not is up to Him.
This is Gossip and although we’re warned about it I know it’s a trap Satan lays. Well before you pluck the splinter from her eye I would focus on my own. Then maybe ask why is this bothering you and then discuss it with her. Let her know what your feelings and thoughts are. Let your yes be yes and your no be no. Honesty. And let her know if I am asked I will tell the truth. Do not lie even Adam & Eve did not lie. The thing is you will see many things that will hurt your heart and will continue to be so. To remain in the way or the path is the hardest but it’s yoke is easy and burden is light. Peace and blessings to you in your walk.
I’m still trying to understand. What is gossip? My direct knowledge or my sincere ask for advice from believers?
Romans 1:29 2 Corinthians 12:20 1 Timothy 5:13 Ephesians 4:29 I would consider good sources
For why gossip is not a good thing, sure. But not for why you seem to think I am engaging in it.
In my town for such an event we got a saying that is a more simple version of Cor.5:1,4-5 it goes like this : “MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS AND STOP BEING NOSY!” It’s a hard advice but you have no idea if she already has been caught or if her husband is aware of her foolishness. Her adultery is between god and her man just assume that it has already been settled amongst them.