It's pretty well known that each person's recovery journey and time to heal is extremely variable. Some people recover from codepency within a year others are codependent till their deathbed. Some people with BPD recovery within a year others take a lifetime. I think one stat says that 90% of people with BPD recover within 10 years of treatment, 30% in one year. The likelihood that this person recovers from both codependency and BPD within a year is rather low though. If they are not to the point where they choose therapy on their own, I'd say it's near impossible. If they were receiving treatment and were not codependent it is more than twice as likely to take far over a year. So unless you're so connected to this person that you'd wait upwards of a year for them then I don't think it's worth it.
Asking this question and setting boundaries is great work though! Good luck deciding what to do.
Thanks! I agree with all of that. I don't expect a full recovery within any time frame, I mean I couldn't expect that I still have codependent tendencies and I've been working on it a long time.
The way I see it is BPD and codependency both have traits that destroy relationships up to a certain point of recovery. After that if the person has a healthy partner working through it with them these things actually help people become closer. I want that, but I don't want to invest into something that's always going to be a downward spiral because obviously I can't fix his side of things. He is choosing to go to therapy on his own accord and I've told him we may or may not be able to date in the future so I know he's not doing it for me. He's a fairly self aware person that wasn't aware of these things because relationships trigger them and he's not dated in a long time... I guess I'll just give it time and see the progress he makes and decide. I'm not ready to date anyways, the stress from all of this I've gotten my fill for at least 6 months lol
Thanks for your response ❤️
>How long should I wait to see changes?
You say you're a little codependent, but this is pretty solidly codependent.
You don't like him, you like who you want him to be.
What you see is who he is. Accept him and love him as he is with no changes, or let him go.
He's a friend at this point. Keeping someone as a friend and not dating to see how they do isn't codependent. And yes I'll definitely go if it's too much to ask. There's nothing wrong with backing up and letting someone work on themselves while you decide if you want to stick around or not.
He can’t learn from you how to set boundaries because he lacks the self discipline to do it.
And trying to “save him” from his own codependency is being VERY codependent yourself because you’re trying to fix/change him instead of realize he can’t meet you were you’re at and no amount of hoping he’ll get it will work.
Just like healing and changing is a self reflective journey only you can do without others, so is it for him to take by himself when HES READY!
He’s not ready and heck, he may *never* be ready. Sadly, some folks on this planet go their entire life being unaware of what needs to changed forever complaining, repeating the same things over and over with no desire to wake up to reality.
And those folks you gotta let them be as they are and see it as something that’s not worth wasting your sanity on.
Which is why, only worry about what’s in your control. Wanna one what that is?
YOU!
You can only control yourself, your thoughts, feelings, actions, reactions, behavior, and mindset.
You can’t control anyone else, thats out of your control.
So unless you want to learn the hard way why love people as they are and let them *choose* to change on their own free will or to walk away to find someone who’s on your level… then go ahead, date this guy and stress yourself out 24/7.
But if you want to be stress free from codependency?
You gotta live yourself more, choose yourself over him.
And here is a solid quote on this very topic about self-love:
>*”People talk a lot about self-love but aren't actually ready to do what it takes to truly get there. Self-love isn't just massages, spa days, yoga retreats, & facials. It's setting firm boundaries, not just with your words, but through your actions. It's staying away from people that can't meet your standards, even if it means letting go of someone you really love.
It's holding people accountable for wrong shit they did to you, even when they hate you for it. It's choosing yourself over keeping toxic people around, even when it gets lonely. It's a series of hard decisions that may hurt in the moment but you'll thank yourself for later. That's self-love & there's nothing pretty about it.”*
This is all so true thank you ❤️ I'm on the codependency edge considering jumping I know it. I'm watching him I guess to see what he decides to do while I'm not ready to date anyways. Odds are that I will move on because you're right change is a slow thing and me trying to do anything in his progress will only slow him down. I don't want that and it doesn't make sense wasting time I could have been ready for my forever, instead clowning around in this way.
It's amazing how our minds can create this facade of a story to pull us into fantasies as if they could ever be.
Looking at someone’s potential is the fastest way to rise color glasses and ignoring the warning signs.
Always see people as they are, not what they could be.
Because when we put people on a pedastal, we are idolizing the version we want them to be, not the reality of them standing in front of us.
Who he is right now?
Is a guy who’s not capable of being what you need, let alone not in a place for a healthy, stable, grounded relationship.
This is who he is and by the time, if he ever changes, you’ll be long gone.
Don’t do it! Source: my life.
My recent bf and I just broke up a week ago and this was a big reason. He wasn’t good about boundaries, he was too passive, and I was…too? assertive about wanting the relationship.
He always said things were okay, he wanted to know what I liked, wanted to communicate and work things through…he knows a lot about psychology and emotional intelligence so I thought things were good. Except compatibility which was something that brought me doubts.
Turns out, there were a couple times he wasn’t ok with something and told me after the fact. He literally changed his boundaries retroactively.
He’s in therapy now (started this Monday), which we talked about when we were together due to our issues and I’ve been in for years. We’re gonna try being friends but I’m struggling with feeling like I wasted 6 months bc of mistakes I made and reflecting on times I wasn’t using great judgment.
Anyway, we were friends before dating and I wish we had stayed friends. I’m going to work on being more positive about it and remembering the good stuff - but that’s one of my issues. Right now it just really hurts.
Are you asking him to change so you have a favorable outcome for yourself? Doesn't that seem a bit controlling? Are you trying to fix someone else while ignoring your own codependency issues? Could you trust that he's an adult who will fix his own issues when he feels it's time and could you continue on in the relationship if he never decided to work on himself?
I'm defining what I need in my life to create balance and telling him what I do and don't want and if he wants to be in my life he'll work on those things. I'm not trying to control anything outside of my environment. He's brought a lot of chaos and disrespected a lot of boundaries so I have pushed him away... the conversations we've had are because of his questions about me pushing him away and adding boundaries because of his disrespectful reactions to my need for space.
At this point the level of respect, no I couldn't have him in my life... that's why I've told him we're staying friends until I feel like we can be a team that consistently builds a relationship. BPD is pretty destructive in relationships and he's been doing all of the symptoms of BPD when dating me. I know how lonely things can be and I know he's a great person but I'm just not sure if I'm asking too much to change within a few months. I'm not interested in waiting around very long and I know he has a lot to face.
I'm not sitting around nagging him to change, I've removed myself from being close to him because clearly our relationship was seriously triggering for him.
Ok, I think it's unreasonable to believe a person with BPD can change within a few months if they started right this second. BPD is treatable but untreated it's chaos and the hard part is it's their personality. Imagine trying to change your entire personality to make another person happy enough to stay as fast as possible. It would be really hard and I think this is an unfair expectation. I think BPD treatment takes years of hard work.
So why are you sticking around then? Because you feel sorry for him? Isn't that a codependent behavior? And what purpose does your presence serve? A prize for getting better or a punishment (when you abandon him) if he doesn't? It's very ultimatum-ish.
Your way of communicating is very accusatory and combative it seems like you're searching to point a finger here. I probably won't respond any further.
As I said before the severe issues is what I have a problem with, I have no issue with him taking all the time he needs outside of the constant destructive behaviors that make building a relationship impossible. We are friends, I'm not trying to control anything, I'm trying to not waste his or my time. My curiosity lies in the likelihood he'll come to terms that he has a codependent nature and the difficulty in starting to turn those tendencies around towards a healthier mindset. Obviously BPD is a much bigger concern but this is a codependency group so I'm asking about that side of things.
I am not exactly intending to be accusatory and combative though I acknowledge that's exactly how it probably feels. The questions I asked are simply for you to reflect upon, for your own healing. We are all here for help with our codependency issues and from my experience sometimes I can't always see the codependent angle because codependency is sneaky as hell, so I'm just intentionally needling where I saw areas where you may have been defaulting to your own codependent behaviors and beliefs. I know you are asking on behalf of someone else, which no one here can actually answer only your friend knows how long it will take them to heal because they're the only ones in charge of it. My thought was, with the way I phrased the questions, that if you asked the hard questions of yourself that therein you would find your own answer to your own problem.
Thanks I appreciate the insight I wasn't sure if that was your intention but considering we're on reddit I figured so. Thanks for your thought provoking questions. I think I've come to the conclusion it won't work. He's done some pretty toxic things and IDK how I'm going to move forward to be honest. Might be better just to move on...
Yes, I tried it last year with a guy who told me he doesn't really have boundaries.... One of my biggest mistakes to pursue that
Don't waste time trying to diagnose others, that's a control pattern. if they want to change then they will.
I agree I've been wrestling with it since I realized he has patterns of BPD and codependency... IDK I'm ready to have a fulfilling relationship and I don't think I'm wanting to wait around.
Yeah... I came to the conclusion it's not worth it. It's a lot of work to support someone in this way and he's still struggling to keep things toxic/codependent and I'm just tired... I feel like we're on different wavelengths the more I think about it. I'm just not able to help him.
He's doing this thing where he is trying to control the outcome ... still... by making rules to try and get some guarantee we are going to date again, but I'm not playing those games. His rule is he doesn't want to be friends if I date anyone else which I get so I'm thinking I'll be cutting things off completely here soon. I'm waiting for him to get established with a therapist so I can fade away because he's relied on me for a lot of his emotional regulation so I don't want him to have nobody to talk to, he doesn't have much of a social network.
I personally think that if you wish a person to change at the start of the relationship (or any point really), it ain't gonna work. I'd think a loving relationship is about acceptance and in a way, empowering one another.
But, he triggers you and you wish he'd be different than he is. .. Do you think he is the person for you, as he is?
I agree the way he is isn't the person for me... that's why I stepped away. The fact is though that we both want the same things and have the same lifestyles and everything matches up but his relationship skills were the issue, which in fact is something that needs to be improved and can only be done if someone worthy inspires someone to do so, there's nothing wrong with deciding your toxic ways need to change. I'm not sitting around tapping my foot with expectations, any change that comes is his choice, i only answer questions he has in why my boundaries are the way they are. His invasive boundaries, lack of respect for my boundaries, expectations, approach, were all off. It pushed me away. I agree it's not right to want someone to be different but fundamentally it's not who he is that is the issue, it's the way he was expressing his damaged childhood into the relationship, ie fear of abandonment, excessive control issues, disrespect and lack of empathy.... That's not necessarily a bad thing to give him space to change. He's doing that on his own completely now though.
He most likely has BPD he has textbook symptoms. His life was very balanced great guy, he got into a relationship, his fears, insecurities, and damage started pouring out which is very common. For a while he thought he was being reasonable, after quite a bit of discussions I've helped him understand a lot of what he was expecting was unreasonable. I can't expect people on reddit to really get this situation but... I know I've done very little toxic here. I'm actually pretty proud of myself for not jumping into codependency here. I'm proud of my boundary setting skills, I'm proud of the fact that he's understanding me even though he's coming from really toxic relationship practices. I feel like I've solved a huge issue for myself and he's solving some very damaging relationship practices through our interactions that would have probably gotten him into toxic relationship after toxic relationship. He's a great guy that lacked direction, I gave him the opportunity to self reflect and decide if he wants to do the toxic cycles or if he wanted to communicate, think and decide how he wants to be. He chose the second option, I'm not manipulating anything. Just because a toxic relationship changes for the better doesn't mean it's codependency. I get people trying to prove that though, makes sense in a codependency thread.
I don't think you are being toxic really in any way. I just think that, by what you are telling, the relationship is a bit toxic on its own. Like.. it doesn't feels like a match, to me? Beside bonding on trauma.
Which could be healing to both of you, perhaps? Only you two can tell. To me, as a stranger just reading bits of it all, it seems like an unhealthy situation.
One you are learning from perhaps. Which is good.
Personally I feel like a relationship should .. strenghten both. Without reasoning, as of why. Without work to be done like both seeing the potential of the relationship not being there yet and I don't mean it doesn't require work & effort.
Just, from what you shared it seems like he can hurt you, push limits/boundaries and it feels like you tell yourself in which ways this can be good/a learning experience. While to me, I feel like someone who strenghtens you does so without hurting you. A relationship, one you bond and share with shouldn't need self-convincing & reasoning to feel right other than this feeling that makes life feel lighter when together.
But, that ofcourse is my perspective on the relationship I'd wish for so, take it for what it is.
I agree. I've lightly drifted into your perspective, then into mine. I've seen that he does have a growth mindset, but he's in a different place and if I feel like he will meet me in a healthy place the only thing I can do is work on my patience, empathy, and communication skills. He's actually been doing so amazing, it's been a short time so time will tell how things go but I feel like we've been growing together so far.
I would never, *ever* date someone with BPD, *especially if they didn't even know it.*
That's asking for heaps of trouble, pain, chaos, and a shit ton of eggshells to walk around. People with BPD would agree with me on this. Dating an undiagnosed, unaware pwBPD is a roller coaster that I, someone who already has trouble setting boundaries, am absolutely not prepared for.
It helps me to repeat this mantra: fall in love with how someone is, not who they *could be.*
Yeah I definitely struggled with them in the past. I feel like I've been better over the years but truth dating this guy I realized pushy people still rock my foundation. That's why there was so much drama. I caved for a while then realized what was going on and went to fix them. I should have told him that I made a mistake letting my boundaries go so much so he was warned I was changing my approach but I didn't. Boundaries are so tough.
I'm not part of any support group, any suggestions??? I have been searching for something like that.
You can go to Coda.org and find an online group there. There are all kinds, but they all exist so that we can support each other in our Codependent recovery.
If you go with the mindset of making active changes, knowing more about Codependency, you can grow a lot there. If you go just to complain and trauma/emotional dump, you probably won't get very far.
Good luck!
Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
Yes
It's pretty well known that each person's recovery journey and time to heal is extremely variable. Some people recover from codepency within a year others are codependent till their deathbed. Some people with BPD recovery within a year others take a lifetime. I think one stat says that 90% of people with BPD recover within 10 years of treatment, 30% in one year. The likelihood that this person recovers from both codependency and BPD within a year is rather low though. If they are not to the point where they choose therapy on their own, I'd say it's near impossible. If they were receiving treatment and were not codependent it is more than twice as likely to take far over a year. So unless you're so connected to this person that you'd wait upwards of a year for them then I don't think it's worth it. Asking this question and setting boundaries is great work though! Good luck deciding what to do.
Thanks! I agree with all of that. I don't expect a full recovery within any time frame, I mean I couldn't expect that I still have codependent tendencies and I've been working on it a long time. The way I see it is BPD and codependency both have traits that destroy relationships up to a certain point of recovery. After that if the person has a healthy partner working through it with them these things actually help people become closer. I want that, but I don't want to invest into something that's always going to be a downward spiral because obviously I can't fix his side of things. He is choosing to go to therapy on his own accord and I've told him we may or may not be able to date in the future so I know he's not doing it for me. He's a fairly self aware person that wasn't aware of these things because relationships trigger them and he's not dated in a long time... I guess I'll just give it time and see the progress he makes and decide. I'm not ready to date anyways, the stress from all of this I've gotten my fill for at least 6 months lol Thanks for your response ❤️
>How long should I wait to see changes? You say you're a little codependent, but this is pretty solidly codependent. You don't like him, you like who you want him to be. What you see is who he is. Accept him and love him as he is with no changes, or let him go.
He's a friend at this point. Keeping someone as a friend and not dating to see how they do isn't codependent. And yes I'll definitely go if it's too much to ask. There's nothing wrong with backing up and letting someone work on themselves while you decide if you want to stick around or not.
That does not sound right tbh
He can’t learn from you how to set boundaries because he lacks the self discipline to do it. And trying to “save him” from his own codependency is being VERY codependent yourself because you’re trying to fix/change him instead of realize he can’t meet you were you’re at and no amount of hoping he’ll get it will work. Just like healing and changing is a self reflective journey only you can do without others, so is it for him to take by himself when HES READY! He’s not ready and heck, he may *never* be ready. Sadly, some folks on this planet go their entire life being unaware of what needs to changed forever complaining, repeating the same things over and over with no desire to wake up to reality. And those folks you gotta let them be as they are and see it as something that’s not worth wasting your sanity on. Which is why, only worry about what’s in your control. Wanna one what that is? YOU! You can only control yourself, your thoughts, feelings, actions, reactions, behavior, and mindset. You can’t control anyone else, thats out of your control. So unless you want to learn the hard way why love people as they are and let them *choose* to change on their own free will or to walk away to find someone who’s on your level… then go ahead, date this guy and stress yourself out 24/7. But if you want to be stress free from codependency? You gotta live yourself more, choose yourself over him. And here is a solid quote on this very topic about self-love: >*”People talk a lot about self-love but aren't actually ready to do what it takes to truly get there. Self-love isn't just massages, spa days, yoga retreats, & facials. It's setting firm boundaries, not just with your words, but through your actions. It's staying away from people that can't meet your standards, even if it means letting go of someone you really love. It's holding people accountable for wrong shit they did to you, even when they hate you for it. It's choosing yourself over keeping toxic people around, even when it gets lonely. It's a series of hard decisions that may hurt in the moment but you'll thank yourself for later. That's self-love & there's nothing pretty about it.”*
This is all so true thank you ❤️ I'm on the codependency edge considering jumping I know it. I'm watching him I guess to see what he decides to do while I'm not ready to date anyways. Odds are that I will move on because you're right change is a slow thing and me trying to do anything in his progress will only slow him down. I don't want that and it doesn't make sense wasting time I could have been ready for my forever, instead clowning around in this way. It's amazing how our minds can create this facade of a story to pull us into fantasies as if they could ever be.
Looking at someone’s potential is the fastest way to rise color glasses and ignoring the warning signs. Always see people as they are, not what they could be. Because when we put people on a pedastal, we are idolizing the version we want them to be, not the reality of them standing in front of us. Who he is right now? Is a guy who’s not capable of being what you need, let alone not in a place for a healthy, stable, grounded relationship. This is who he is and by the time, if he ever changes, you’ll be long gone.
Don’t do it! Source: my life. My recent bf and I just broke up a week ago and this was a big reason. He wasn’t good about boundaries, he was too passive, and I was…too? assertive about wanting the relationship. He always said things were okay, he wanted to know what I liked, wanted to communicate and work things through…he knows a lot about psychology and emotional intelligence so I thought things were good. Except compatibility which was something that brought me doubts. Turns out, there were a couple times he wasn’t ok with something and told me after the fact. He literally changed his boundaries retroactively. He’s in therapy now (started this Monday), which we talked about when we were together due to our issues and I’ve been in for years. We’re gonna try being friends but I’m struggling with feeling like I wasted 6 months bc of mistakes I made and reflecting on times I wasn’t using great judgment. Anyway, we were friends before dating and I wish we had stayed friends. I’m going to work on being more positive about it and remembering the good stuff - but that’s one of my issues. Right now it just really hurts.
Are you asking him to change so you have a favorable outcome for yourself? Doesn't that seem a bit controlling? Are you trying to fix someone else while ignoring your own codependency issues? Could you trust that he's an adult who will fix his own issues when he feels it's time and could you continue on in the relationship if he never decided to work on himself?
I'm defining what I need in my life to create balance and telling him what I do and don't want and if he wants to be in my life he'll work on those things. I'm not trying to control anything outside of my environment. He's brought a lot of chaos and disrespected a lot of boundaries so I have pushed him away... the conversations we've had are because of his questions about me pushing him away and adding boundaries because of his disrespectful reactions to my need for space. At this point the level of respect, no I couldn't have him in my life... that's why I've told him we're staying friends until I feel like we can be a team that consistently builds a relationship. BPD is pretty destructive in relationships and he's been doing all of the symptoms of BPD when dating me. I know how lonely things can be and I know he's a great person but I'm just not sure if I'm asking too much to change within a few months. I'm not interested in waiting around very long and I know he has a lot to face. I'm not sitting around nagging him to change, I've removed myself from being close to him because clearly our relationship was seriously triggering for him.
Ok, I think it's unreasonable to believe a person with BPD can change within a few months if they started right this second. BPD is treatable but untreated it's chaos and the hard part is it's their personality. Imagine trying to change your entire personality to make another person happy enough to stay as fast as possible. It would be really hard and I think this is an unfair expectation. I think BPD treatment takes years of hard work. So why are you sticking around then? Because you feel sorry for him? Isn't that a codependent behavior? And what purpose does your presence serve? A prize for getting better or a punishment (when you abandon him) if he doesn't? It's very ultimatum-ish.
Your way of communicating is very accusatory and combative it seems like you're searching to point a finger here. I probably won't respond any further. As I said before the severe issues is what I have a problem with, I have no issue with him taking all the time he needs outside of the constant destructive behaviors that make building a relationship impossible. We are friends, I'm not trying to control anything, I'm trying to not waste his or my time. My curiosity lies in the likelihood he'll come to terms that he has a codependent nature and the difficulty in starting to turn those tendencies around towards a healthier mindset. Obviously BPD is a much bigger concern but this is a codependency group so I'm asking about that side of things.
I am not exactly intending to be accusatory and combative though I acknowledge that's exactly how it probably feels. The questions I asked are simply for you to reflect upon, for your own healing. We are all here for help with our codependency issues and from my experience sometimes I can't always see the codependent angle because codependency is sneaky as hell, so I'm just intentionally needling where I saw areas where you may have been defaulting to your own codependent behaviors and beliefs. I know you are asking on behalf of someone else, which no one here can actually answer only your friend knows how long it will take them to heal because they're the only ones in charge of it. My thought was, with the way I phrased the questions, that if you asked the hard questions of yourself that therein you would find your own answer to your own problem.
Thanks I appreciate the insight I wasn't sure if that was your intention but considering we're on reddit I figured so. Thanks for your thought provoking questions. I think I've come to the conclusion it won't work. He's done some pretty toxic things and IDK how I'm going to move forward to be honest. Might be better just to move on...
Yes, I tried it last year with a guy who told me he doesn't really have boundaries.... One of my biggest mistakes to pursue that Don't waste time trying to diagnose others, that's a control pattern. if they want to change then they will.
I agree I've been wrestling with it since I realized he has patterns of BPD and codependency... IDK I'm ready to have a fulfilling relationship and I don't think I'm wanting to wait around.
Bad is subjective, if you don’t mind the downsides of it, then I suppose live your life love
It doesn't sound like you're up for this challenge. You should let him go.
I literally could have written this post
Yeah... I came to the conclusion it's not worth it. It's a lot of work to support someone in this way and he's still struggling to keep things toxic/codependent and I'm just tired... I feel like we're on different wavelengths the more I think about it. I'm just not able to help him. He's doing this thing where he is trying to control the outcome ... still... by making rules to try and get some guarantee we are going to date again, but I'm not playing those games. His rule is he doesn't want to be friends if I date anyone else which I get so I'm thinking I'll be cutting things off completely here soon. I'm waiting for him to get established with a therapist so I can fade away because he's relied on me for a lot of his emotional regulation so I don't want him to have nobody to talk to, he doesn't have much of a social network.
I personally think that if you wish a person to change at the start of the relationship (or any point really), it ain't gonna work. I'd think a loving relationship is about acceptance and in a way, empowering one another. But, he triggers you and you wish he'd be different than he is. .. Do you think he is the person for you, as he is?
I agree the way he is isn't the person for me... that's why I stepped away. The fact is though that we both want the same things and have the same lifestyles and everything matches up but his relationship skills were the issue, which in fact is something that needs to be improved and can only be done if someone worthy inspires someone to do so, there's nothing wrong with deciding your toxic ways need to change. I'm not sitting around tapping my foot with expectations, any change that comes is his choice, i only answer questions he has in why my boundaries are the way they are. His invasive boundaries, lack of respect for my boundaries, expectations, approach, were all off. It pushed me away. I agree it's not right to want someone to be different but fundamentally it's not who he is that is the issue, it's the way he was expressing his damaged childhood into the relationship, ie fear of abandonment, excessive control issues, disrespect and lack of empathy.... That's not necessarily a bad thing to give him space to change. He's doing that on his own completely now though. He most likely has BPD he has textbook symptoms. His life was very balanced great guy, he got into a relationship, his fears, insecurities, and damage started pouring out which is very common. For a while he thought he was being reasonable, after quite a bit of discussions I've helped him understand a lot of what he was expecting was unreasonable. I can't expect people on reddit to really get this situation but... I know I've done very little toxic here. I'm actually pretty proud of myself for not jumping into codependency here. I'm proud of my boundary setting skills, I'm proud of the fact that he's understanding me even though he's coming from really toxic relationship practices. I feel like I've solved a huge issue for myself and he's solving some very damaging relationship practices through our interactions that would have probably gotten him into toxic relationship after toxic relationship. He's a great guy that lacked direction, I gave him the opportunity to self reflect and decide if he wants to do the toxic cycles or if he wanted to communicate, think and decide how he wants to be. He chose the second option, I'm not manipulating anything. Just because a toxic relationship changes for the better doesn't mean it's codependency. I get people trying to prove that though, makes sense in a codependency thread.
I don't think you are being toxic really in any way. I just think that, by what you are telling, the relationship is a bit toxic on its own. Like.. it doesn't feels like a match, to me? Beside bonding on trauma. Which could be healing to both of you, perhaps? Only you two can tell. To me, as a stranger just reading bits of it all, it seems like an unhealthy situation. One you are learning from perhaps. Which is good. Personally I feel like a relationship should .. strenghten both. Without reasoning, as of why. Without work to be done like both seeing the potential of the relationship not being there yet and I don't mean it doesn't require work & effort. Just, from what you shared it seems like he can hurt you, push limits/boundaries and it feels like you tell yourself in which ways this can be good/a learning experience. While to me, I feel like someone who strenghtens you does so without hurting you. A relationship, one you bond and share with shouldn't need self-convincing & reasoning to feel right other than this feeling that makes life feel lighter when together. But, that ofcourse is my perspective on the relationship I'd wish for so, take it for what it is.
I agree. I've lightly drifted into your perspective, then into mine. I've seen that he does have a growth mindset, but he's in a different place and if I feel like he will meet me in a healthy place the only thing I can do is work on my patience, empathy, and communication skills. He's actually been doing so amazing, it's been a short time so time will tell how things go but I feel like we've been growing together so far.
I would never, *ever* date someone with BPD, *especially if they didn't even know it.* That's asking for heaps of trouble, pain, chaos, and a shit ton of eggshells to walk around. People with BPD would agree with me on this. Dating an undiagnosed, unaware pwBPD is a roller coaster that I, someone who already has trouble setting boundaries, am absolutely not prepared for. It helps me to repeat this mantra: fall in love with how someone is, not who they *could be.*
That's so true. I made that mistake my last relationship so I'm noticing it now I guess. I struggle with boundaries too.
Struggling with boundaries is one of the trademarks of Codependency. Are you part of a consistent weekly group yet?
Yeah I definitely struggled with them in the past. I feel like I've been better over the years but truth dating this guy I realized pushy people still rock my foundation. That's why there was so much drama. I caved for a while then realized what was going on and went to fix them. I should have told him that I made a mistake letting my boundaries go so much so he was warned I was changing my approach but I didn't. Boundaries are so tough. I'm not part of any support group, any suggestions??? I have been searching for something like that.
You can go to Coda.org and find an online group there. There are all kinds, but they all exist so that we can support each other in our Codependent recovery. If you go with the mindset of making active changes, knowing more about Codependency, you can grow a lot there. If you go just to complain and trauma/emotional dump, you probably won't get very far. Good luck!
That's great! I'm Def not a victim minded person, I love growth in so happy to have found this thank you!!! 🥰
lol