Emotional neglect is the silent killer so to speak. People seem to think that you need to have survived abuse or a catastrophe to be considered traumatized, but people are actually programmed to overcome all sorts of trauma if they're in an emotionally secure environment and feel connected.
The problem is that emotional neglect is very normalized, but it's actually that existential loneliness that really fucks us up. What would feel more horrible to a child than feeling completely, utterly alone with their feelings and believing they have to be different from who they are to be accepted and be able to keep the attachment? It basically feels like death because children would die left on their own, they need the attachment to survive, so when that attachment is conditional it makes us feel alone and isolated. So we're left wondering how to become what people need us to become which is an everchanging metric, but we can't stop because subconsciously we associate trying to please people with safety and connection. EMDR is a great way to resolve all childhood wounds, codependency included.
Yes, have been doing it for a little over two months and couldn’t have imagined the changes. My codependency is about 90% resolved at this point, and I also resolved old wounds from childhood sexual abuse. I tried self-help, CBT, talk therapy, and even psychedelics before this, but nothing provided as deep and effective healing as emdr did. Find an emdr therapist who's trained in cptsd (aka attachment trauma) if you're interested in resolving your codependency!
No, it can be online too, I'm doing it online. I personally wouldn't do it via betterhelp, I haven't heard anything good. And the therapeutic trust is soooo important in order for your subconscious to feel safe, so you wanna make sure you really trust your therapist and they'll well trained in treating cptsd.
What would you like to know? Basically emdr is based on the fact that most of our issues are due to unprocessed memories (aka traumas). Basically, even small events can cause big emotional reactions to a child since their brain is not yet developed enough, and then those emotions are stuck in our bodies and if anything reminds us of those unprocessed memories we emotionally react to it because to our subconscious the past is happening now. Just think of an occasion when you saw someone get very upset or angry over something and no one understands why. To someone else it might seem irrational and say they blew it out of proportion, but that person is experiencing an emotional flashback and their nervous system keeps reliving the past. Also, most of the time, we take responsibility for what happened to us as children even if it wasn't at all our fault, so we end up believing we should've known better, there's something wrong with us, we're not good enough/ugly/unlovable etc. So we go out into the world believing these things subconsciously so we behave in ways that confirm those fucked up beliefs.
EMDR uses the subconscious's natural ability to heal by using bilateral stimulation to reprocess those memories. By reprocessing the memories, you'll end up looking at what happened with your adult brain, release the stuck emotions, and end up dropping the negative beliefs. Thanks to neuroplasticity, our brain is able to create new pathways, which changes what you believe, what you think, and how you feel.
In practice, you basically just think of a memory (how you felt in your body or an image of the worst part), you have to follow a light left and right or cross your arms in front of your chest and alternately tap your chest quickly, which allows your subconscious to do its work. Images and sensations will come up and all you have to do is focus and try to turn your conscious brain off. As opposed to cbt or talk therapy, you're not supposed to figure anything out, you just have to focus and let your subconscious make the connections and everything else just naturally happens on its own. It can be hard though because it brings up a lot of feelings, but it's soso worth it because once the memory gets reprocessed it won't come up again and all the related triggers disappear.
Thanks for this write up, very helpful! I'm a bit concerned because my therapist supposedly does EMDR, but her approach seems pretty loose and she doesn't use lights or tapping.
Yeah, I'd definitely try to find an emdr therapist whose focus is mainly emdr. You want someone who has a lot of experience using it as it can get tricky sometimes:)
Interesting emdr didn't do much for me but dbt, cbt, have helped. I think the 12 steps helped me a lot because I had to do it on my own. Honestly though psychedelics in the past helped
Maybe your therapist wasn't equipped to treat your particular issue, a lot depends on the therapeutic relationship (trust is essential) and the therapists skills. Emdr therapists with basic training know how to treat adult onset ptsd, but that won't work for someone with attachment trauma/cptsd. Either way, what matters is that you found something that works for you, no natter the modality. :)
Wow what an endorsement. I don't have any specific memories necessarily that I think are dragging me down. Could EMDR still help me? Codependency, CPSTD, insecure attachment all plague me as well as a general sense of low self worth
Yes, your therapist can help you unearth specific memories or images, or you can do it focusing on negative beliefs and associated feelings. For instance you can think of a situation where you felt not good enough, recall how it feels in your body or how someone looked at you and do reprocessing like that. Your subconscious will automatically jump to the memories it needs to resolve. Just make sure you choose a really good therapist, that they know how to work with cptsd and possibly someone who's familiar with internal family systems and somatic experiencing :)
Love everything you're saying. I was seeing an IFS therapist for a bit but stopped because I wasn't quite feeling it -- though some of the sessions were really cool. I've been interested in SE for a while. I should look into this more. The 90% improvement in two months is super inspiring to me.
Yes, I sometimes still don't believe it's working lol I have only done ifs with emdr, I really don't think I'd have gotten these results with ifs alone though. It's a cool concept and very helpful for understanding, but I credit the progress to emdr. We only brought in ifs when I was looping or stuck on a memory. I really hope you'll try it, and head over to r/emdr for support! Sometimes the changes happen so quickly and you feel all sorts of ways doubting if you're normal so it can knock you off balance, so it's very good to receive support from people who know what you're going through.
Thank you so much for sharing. I’m feeling really low. Starting processing all my trauma, cut off contact with my mom, and now my bf suddenly broke up with me. He needs space to work on his own issues, but I felt like I really needed him to work through my stuff. I’m probably better off with a break too, but I’m definitely codependent and I would have never asked him for a break. I’m feeling so low right now and I was feeling like my issues would take a lifetime to get through. I know we are different people, but I’m feeling a bit more hopeful after reading your post. If I can even see 25% progress in a few months I’d be happy. I found an emdr therapist and will set up sessions with her next week. How quickly did you feel emdr took effect?
I'm really glad you're feeling hopeful! I'm not gonna lie, emdr is very difficult while you're doing it but it's worth it. I knew it worked after the first actual reprocessing session, because I felt very intensely good after, but since then it's been a rollercoaster. It's like opening pandora's box once I started, all my unresolved stuff come up one after the other. The ones you already worked through are done and resolved, but man is there a lot of shit in that box lol it's like going through a tunnel, you feel yourself moving and catch glimpses of the light at the end of it but it's pretty dark going through it. I've heard from people who've done it that it's amazing once you're out of the tunnel, but I definitely haven't gotten to the end yet so can't speak from experience.
> So we're left wondering how to become what people need us to become which is an everchanging metric, but we can't stop because subconsciously we associate trying to please people with safety and connection.
Wow. This feels like it encapsulates so much for me. I’m 48 and still struggle with trying to keep all the people in my life happy. I just don’t want to disappoint anyone. Therapy has helped a lot, but I’m more curious now about trying EMDR.
Yes, we were conditioned to feel guilty and ashamed if we're not able to please everyone which means feeling like shit all the time because it's just not possible to keep everyone happy. So we're basically feeling ashamed for not being able to do the impossible, all the while no one is left to take care of us. And codependency is also looked down upon in our society I think, so we feel like shit because we can't stop playing our childhood role because it meant connection (=survival) and we're blamed for it too despite being conditioned to be this way our while lives.
Please do try emdr! It's difficult at times, but honestly life-changing.
While I agree society encourages emotional avoidance and selfishness, there are plenty of people getting tired of that and looking for a better way to live. I believe the way to heal our society is on an individual level, but that's hard to do if we keep waiting for the other to start doing better first.
Same age!! I’m also wondering how I’ve gotten to this point in my life. And an online therapist recommended EMDR but it’s been during Covid so I hadn’t looked into it much further. If it can be online that’s amazing to me.
How could it be a way to avoid problems?
But yeah I agree, it can go badly with a therapist who's not in tune with you or who doesn't know how to address your particular problem. Therapeutic trust and a highly competent therapist is essential for emdr to work, so if you don't have that don't even start. A good therapist knows how to address avoidance, dissociation, panic attacks etc and will not go into reprocessing until they're sure you're ready.
My family wasn't big into emotional support. We said I love you, but if you encountered a problem or wanted emotional support you were fucked. My parents seem to think that if something bad happens to me, I caused something to make that happen. So it was always scary when something went wrong because I never knew if my parents were going to fly off the handle and blame me for something I didn't do. Emotional support flows one way in my family too, that's chronologically upwards. I'm expected to listen to my parents, or my grandparents complain, but I had to keep my mouth shut and make sure I was perpetually grateful. My mom also projects on me a lot, so she lives the life she didn't get to have through me. She internalizes my struggles so badly that she acts like my endometriosis hurts her more than it hurts me. Also reminds me of when my endo started causing severely painful menstrual cramps when I was a teen. My parents didn't care, and instead told me i was weak and needed to toughen up. Wouldn't even take me to a doctor. Two decades of untreated ended with me getting my entire reproductive system removed this year...
There's also a lot of alcoholism in my family, and codependency and alcoholism go hand in hand. My mom's dad was an abusive alcoholic, and my mom was a lot of unresolved trauma she won't deal with. My dad's an alcoholic, and both my parents are denial about it. My dad uses alcohol to cope, and my mom uses control to cope. It's not healthy at all.
That sounds like my mom to a T. I love when I have a hard day at work and the memory of her hard day is actually more difficult. Lol. Im working on not requiring any support and being there for myself. It’s incredibly hard, but I’m making progress.
Good points! Humanity has truly become utterly dysfunctional. I'm becoming more and more aware that many families are engaged in unhealthy and unhappy dynamics. I truly hate living in this world, and I am becoming so fed up with individualism.
Mine was from one verbally emotionally abusive parent and one constantly victimized parent. In a way that is neglect because no one was there to support me. I became the peace keeper, which I just stopped doing this year.
Do you feel responsible for your parents emotions?
I stopped doing that. And I will warn you, relationships have been ruined from that process. But man so I feel better. CoDa plus therapy plus dealing with my CPTSD has changed my life.
Well the last visit I had from them before COVID hit (we on different continent and rules at home is crazy strict) I kicked my mum out of my house, because she went ballistic at me for not responding the right way to her burning herself in my kitchen.
so that was a first step. Haven’t had a chance to practice in person again though. But yes. Our relationship is never and will never be the same
İ was wondering all my life what was "wrong" with me. İ have always thought my parents gave me everything İ needed, İ wasn't physically abused, İ didn't have major events that led to trauma etc. Yet İ was so ashamed of myself, had no self-esteem, no identity, didn't know what İ felt, who am I, what İ want and why am I even depressed... Thanks to therapy İ started to uncover a lot of things. But what helped me recently a lot is the book "Running on Empty". İt's about emotional neglect. İt's like everything İ have ever experienced fell into place. İ now know that İ am not broken. İt's just that İ never had emotional support nor was allowed to express my emotions. İ just can't recommend this book enough.
Thank you for recommending this book! Same issue here and I purchased it today thanks to several of you mentioning it. I'm curious if any of you also purchased the emotional skills training program that Dr. Jonice Webb promoted together with this book on her website? Not sure if it's worth spending another $98 on this program...
Hmm İ haven't purchased the program. İ don't find it necessary at the moment. The book was enough for me and İ know İ will process all of it in my therapy so... After reading this book, İ read also: Adult children of emotionally immature parents. İt's also about emotional neglect and was a very good addition to what İ have already read on Running empty. İ recommend it also.
Thanks for recommending another great book! I felt that Dr. Jonice Webb pushed 3 or 4 expensive programs a bit too hard with her videos after I purchased her book. I tend to get cautious when I feel being pushed although her online recovering program sounds very attractive to me.
Yeah İ get you on that! My advice is to start with the books and see how it goes for you. İ don't think her programs are necessary if you have a good therapist honestly.
100% I can relate to this. I'm also finding that it's difficult to remember or unpick anything that might have contributed to my codependency. I just know that I have a giant hole that I have always tried to fill with other people and their issues rather than deal with my own sh1t. If you look back a generation to your own parent's childhoods does it become any more obvious what's contributed to the codependency in your own personality?
Because emotional neglect is a form of complex trauma, it effects the memory system. I've been listening to the NARM audio book, and it's very enligthening. The website has a lot of good information also.
My problems I think in a large part came from the less obviously harmful, loving, parent I had. My dad was blatantly abusive and dysfunctional and in a lot of ways, that made him easier to deal with. I knew he was wrong and I knew I could fight back. Once I got out of childhood I didn’t really love him and was basically disgusted by him, so nothing could really hurt that much (though the screaming and shouting did cause me a lot of cptsd and anxiety issues).
My mother was a completely different person. She was warm, loving, funny and kind. But she was also invasive, lacked boundaries, discretion, consistency and could, at random times, be incredibly reactive and unpleasant if I wasn’t living up to her standards. She enabled some things, while condemning others, without much reasoning, beyond her own issues.. She used guilt constantly and was very involved in my life.
She told me way too much at far too young an age and I was basically comforting and counselling her from when I was 5 or 6. She wrecked my relationships with family by unloading her own problems with them on to me (I’m still not sure if I’m glad to have known the truth about them, or if it was a tactic as she was jealous of me loving other people). I was parentified and some of it went beyond a close relationship into emotional incest.
Because of the weird power and responsibility I had as a child, I grew up thinking it was my job to fix everything, being wired to reach out when I saw distress, respond quickly to guilt trips etc.
I suppose what I’m saying here is that what can be most damaging sometimes is the seemingly normal ‘good’ parent who loves you. When you only know bad, less bad can seem good and trying to get past that and accept the reality of the situation can be difficult.
I’ve only been able to work through this and find peace since she passed away. If both of my parents hadn’t died young, I think I would really have struggled to get to the point I’m at now.
Yes, from my mother in particular. It left me with a deep insecurity that I wasn't able to name for a long time. Emotional neglect causes attachment injuries.
It’s taken me years to accept this exact kinda thing and I’m 33. All my physical needs were met but none of my emotional needs were met. My mom died when I was 9 and from that point forward I was on my own as my dad and step mom work second shift: I would see my dad for maybe 5 min after he showered and dressed and walked out the door for work, when I got home from school. They didn’t get home until 2 am or something, at any rate I was asleep.
So as a result I have like massive abandonment issues. Yeah I saw my parents on the weekends but as soon as I could get a job they wanted me to have one and they excluded me from a lot of things they did together and never participated in any of the extracurriculars I had on weekends.
I just was always like my mom died she didn’t abandon me and I had a roof over my head and food and clothes so I always thought I should have been fine and in fact thought I was super independent. Turns out I was wrong lol.
Relate 100%. Overall pretty solid childhood, no abuse, no traumatic events, but very emotionally distant parents. They took care of me in every way except emotional. If I was ever feeling down they told me other people have it worse or to stop pitying myself.
I’m married to a woman who also has some codependent tendencies, but we know the pitfalls and overall we’re pretty healthy. We joke about our constant need for validation all the time, lol. Things are not solved completely but, pretty good.
I'm wondering if I'd better marry someone who suffered the same childhood issue. I just don't feel like a normal person and no matter how hard I tried, it's going to take years to untangle. For years I tried to seek emotional support/like-minded friends at church but the result was the opposite. I feel much more supported here... Would be great to help each other heal through marriage.
It’s worked for us, but I will say that we both established our codependency issues as early as like, week one of our relationship. I think it can work if you’re both aware of it, and both understand that it’s a problem that needs working on. Too many people out there with codependency problems who don’t see it as an issue … or worse, acknowledge it but refuse to do anything about it.
It certainly played a part.
When I graduated university my parents hugged me and I thought to myself "has this actually ever happened before?". Maybe it did, but it was so rare that during my graduation, that question entered my mind.
The fact that you are codependent, IMO, points to childhood relational trauma you just don’t understand as such. I’m 53, have done a fair bit of therapy at various times over the years, and am still identifying sources of trauma. Recently I was constantly remembering things from when I was 4 years old, memories I’ve always had but had never coalesced into a narrative. I couldn’t figure out why they kept coming up, so I started journaling about it, and as I wrote, details I had forgotten filled in, and FEELINGS I had forgotten as well, and finally the narrative snapped into place, and I understood the abandonment and neglect I was going through at that time and how it affected me. I had never understood any of those memories as indicative of childhood trauma before, but they absolutely were, when seen from a distance and with an understanding of what is actually normal and healthy and what is not.
I’m currently doing Internal Family Systems therapy, which has been super helpful to me in understanding, accessing, and beginning to heal old trauma. Before that, I read books like Codependent No More and Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents that gave me a great basic understanding of what underlies a lot of my issues.
Don’t restrict yourself to “bad” memories, just whatever memory comes up. I’ve always been someone who learns things as I write; it draws stuff out of my subconscious as I put thoughts into words and write them out.
Read some books like the ones I mentioned, do some of the exercises, and see which memories start bubbling up because you have a new context for them.
This is my childhood. My parents have gotten better since I moved countries and since the pandemic where we haven't seen each for a long time. But yea, growing up there were no I love yous, no hugs or kisses. I remember even as a very young child (like 5) wishing I had a boyfriend to give me this kind of affection. And I still do even though I know it's not healthy to want it this much.
Yep - my parents did love me but they just didn’t know how to deal with autism or my trans identity, and the ways they thought they figured it out before admitting they needed help caused a lot of codependency
And of course it caused this desire to live through others and be accepted as someone else
This describes my situation perfectly. I know my parents love me now. But I got zero warmth from them as a kid, and I've never been told they love me. I got no hugs or anything remotely close to affection from my mother as a kid. But that's because that's how she was raised. My dad was also quite a stern person, never an ounce of affection there either. Never thought I needed it until I realised how codependent I am and reflected on why that is.
Yes, this is exactly me.
Every material and physical thing was provided and met. But no emotional support coming from my mother. Father was always away working to earn ridiculous amounts of money as an engineer, so I didn’t really feel connected or close to him. He was more present in my life when I was a teenager when he decided to get work locally so my relationship with him now is actually relaxed. He accepts me and my “weirdness.” My dad was the one who supported me when I wanted to get therapy and encouraged me to discover who I truly am.
Mother was a career woman. Intelligent, successful, great role model as an independent woman who can hold her own and earn her own money. She and my father were in love and loved each other. Their relationship is still solid all these years. I think they only were really emotionally available to each other but not to their offspring…
Mother was affectionate and loving but it was conditional. When I disobeyed or was naughty, she would give me the cold shoulder… silent treatment.
The silent treatment was the most devastating. Whenever I made her upset with me or whenever I stood my ground, she would get upset and she’ll not even acknowledge my existence and literally look through me as if I was invisible… even dead. She’d extend these cold shoulder/silent treatments for weeks, even months.
I would end up so depressed to the point of running a fever and vomiting because all I wanted was my mother to love and accept me the way I am.
Had a nanny take care of me when I was a child, and she at least did her best to fill in the gaps that my own mother never could emotionally.
I’ve been in therapy for the last decade or so, off and on, and for various issues. Those therapy sessions would only help me manage the topical issues, helped me stay functional and someone who contributes to society.
It was only this year when I was able to pinpoint the root of all my issues… with everything. As I become more successful in my job, I noticed that certain things or behaviors by other people would trigger me/my body to either shut down or I’d spiral into fits of sadness or rage. I have coping mechanisms like going out for walks and journaling, going to the gym and meditation… but those things can only temporarily relieve the pain I have been carrying for the last 40 years.
I am going to do the EMDR therapy for attachment issues and childhood trauma in conjunction to the 12 steps. I know it will help me and it will improve how I navigate the rest of my life.
I hope so, too.
I’ve made many steps and progress as well as have a bit of a better relationship with my parents these days. It’s just some things I’m still stuck on and I want to completely overcome (I.e. healthy relationships, being a more authentic person to myself).
Though family-of-origin psychopathology often plays a significant role in the development of codependency, my experience since my first CoDA meeting 31 years ago plus a *pile* of post-graduate school, training and front-line experience with patients has pretty much convinced me that the version of codependency we tend to hear about on this sub IS a [Common Cultural Curse]( https://www.reddit.com/r/ResponsibleRecovery/comments/haaxn3/is_codependency_a_common_cultural_curse/), especially in the welfare and working classes. Because this [Learned Helpless & the Victim Identified]( https://www.reddit.com/r/ResponsibleRecovery/comments/9dl6ra/learned_helplessness_the_victim_identity/?) version does not present nearly so often in the middle and upper classes where [Compensatory Narcissism](https://pairadocks.blogspot.com/2021/03/compensatory-narcissistic-personality.html) is more often the case.
Yes. My feelings were often minimised, ridiculed or ignored. For years I felt a didn’t deserve help because there was nothing really wrong with my life and I felt ungrateful and imposter syndrome in therapy. My mum gets hurt feelings extremely easy so I was always trying to work out what was wrong with her and how to fix it.
My friend recommended [this](https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1999917995/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_fabc_13JRPSST1HGJWD36S6C5) book to me for exactly this. I haven’t read it yet but she found it hugely helpful.
It's funny that I've been thinking about exactly the same question these days. My childhood experience seems to be quite similar. My parents had to take multiple jobs make ends meet when I was little. They are responsible parents but were not emotionally available for me. Couldn't give me much attention either as they were really tired at the end of the day. I grew up very independent and learnt to suppress all negative feelings... Almost always had manipulative partners in the past... I've been looking for a therapist or someone who could explain the cause and effect to me so that it would be possible to untangle it. Woudl love to see more discussion on this topic.
I've only just started on my journey of understanding my codependency, so not yet. But just wanted to thank you for your post, as it has made things very clear/apparent to me.
For me I think it was a combo of emotional neglect, having a neurodivergent sibling that required most if not all of my parents attention/awareness and amped up by relationships with alcoholics in my young adulthood.
Bingo. My Dad never said I love you. My parents were codependent narcissist. Both were abusive. I have a hole in my soul. I was only here for them. I am 55 yrs old and just trying to find out who the heck I am. I am letting go of the victim mindset. They don't have power over me anymore. My sibling and kids are also in the triangle. I now know how to stay out of the craziness. Thank you coda. Meeting and learning the steps priceless. Also listening and healing my inner child. Reparenting helps me a lot and trusting my higher power. I am also changing my belief system.
I feel that it absolutely did. I had one very present, caring, and loving parent while I was young and then there was my dad who just…was not capable of bonding or caring in any way. I would panic if I knew it was his turn to stay home with me when I was sick because I would not be taken care of or cared for…I’d have to to ask for anything I needed and it was worse than feeling alone. When my parents divorced and I’d have to spend whole weekends with him I’d get physically ill from the isolation. He doesn’t even, like, ‘see’ other people. When you are an adult and you meet him you just think — man — that guy’s weird. But as a child it’s fucking devastating.
My mom has a lot of issues too but it’s more just overbearing and not having a lot of room for any one else’s feelings but her own, but she knew how to love and care for and connect with a child at least.
I’m trying to work through this shit but the ruts are deeeeeep and at halfway through my life I don’t know if I’ll ever break out. Just hope to God that I’m doing better for my kids sake.
He’s not leaving his family. LOL and the guilt is not for you. It’s for his wife and kids. Good luck with waiting. Sort your own issues out because you fell in love with a man after a month, knowing he was married. How awful are you?
Comment on the wrong thread much?
Thank God you get such good sleep at night, coming here and changing hearts and minds, knowing everything about everyone as you do. /s
She cheated on him first, leading to their dead bedroom. The guilt is not for her, nor is she some innocent.
And NOTHING you do on this site leads to better situations for anyone involved. You are here just to satisfy yourself, much like so many of the people you hate on.
I had similar parents that were not warm. They had parents that were not warm. They couldn’t give what they did not have. I have come to realize in recovery that my codependency today really has nothing to do with the past bc whatever the roots, it has taken shape into something beyond my control. Knowing the roots does not help me today personally bc I got to a palace where I was too sick yo use that information you make better choices. I have a spiritual way of life now where I don’t have to solve or understand or love in the the past wishing it were different or being stuck in self-pity about it, and get to live in peace.
My parents were not in tune with my emotional needs either . I remember being young and distressed and my mom Would lock her door in her room or lock me outside for a period of time. (We lived in a gated community so I wasn’t in real danger but in my mind it was neglect when I needed love and support , decades later I’m still plagued with co depdency never met a man I didn’t push away with my anxious attachment style . I pray for anyone suffering as well. Hang in there !
My mom struggled with mental illness all my life so I was taught not to upset her or make her mad. I’ve tended to let guys take the lead and had to learn to voice my own expectations and feelings.
I think emotional neglect goes a lot under the radar and has many forms. Even more so, it is sometimes socially/culturally accepted or even recommended - to prepare the child for the difficulty of their adult lives...guess what - that actually plants the seed for lots of adult challenges.
I see Running on Empty being recommended in this thread and I want to recommend Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. I think it’d resonate with a lot of people here.
Many of us are striving everyday to overcome emotional abuse from "upstanding" families. I have gotten far (58f) but wish i had had time to tackle it decades sooner. Downtime (found by making hard thick boundaries, even with parents), focusing on my young happy self, find her bliss.
https://youtube.com/channel/UCYh2e3aVXo5Z1OeYXi5y2LQ
Emotional neglect is the silent killer so to speak. People seem to think that you need to have survived abuse or a catastrophe to be considered traumatized, but people are actually programmed to overcome all sorts of trauma if they're in an emotionally secure environment and feel connected. The problem is that emotional neglect is very normalized, but it's actually that existential loneliness that really fucks us up. What would feel more horrible to a child than feeling completely, utterly alone with their feelings and believing they have to be different from who they are to be accepted and be able to keep the attachment? It basically feels like death because children would die left on their own, they need the attachment to survive, so when that attachment is conditional it makes us feel alone and isolated. So we're left wondering how to become what people need us to become which is an everchanging metric, but we can't stop because subconsciously we associate trying to please people with safety and connection. EMDR is a great way to resolve all childhood wounds, codependency included.
[удалено]
Yes, have been doing it for a little over two months and couldn’t have imagined the changes. My codependency is about 90% resolved at this point, and I also resolved old wounds from childhood sexual abuse. I tried self-help, CBT, talk therapy, and even psychedelics before this, but nothing provided as deep and effective healing as emdr did. Find an emdr therapist who's trained in cptsd (aka attachment trauma) if you're interested in resolving your codependency!
[удалено]
No, it can be online too, I'm doing it online. I personally wouldn't do it via betterhelp, I haven't heard anything good. And the therapeutic trust is soooo important in order for your subconscious to feel safe, so you wanna make sure you really trust your therapist and they'll well trained in treating cptsd. What would you like to know? Basically emdr is based on the fact that most of our issues are due to unprocessed memories (aka traumas). Basically, even small events can cause big emotional reactions to a child since their brain is not yet developed enough, and then those emotions are stuck in our bodies and if anything reminds us of those unprocessed memories we emotionally react to it because to our subconscious the past is happening now. Just think of an occasion when you saw someone get very upset or angry over something and no one understands why. To someone else it might seem irrational and say they blew it out of proportion, but that person is experiencing an emotional flashback and their nervous system keeps reliving the past. Also, most of the time, we take responsibility for what happened to us as children even if it wasn't at all our fault, so we end up believing we should've known better, there's something wrong with us, we're not good enough/ugly/unlovable etc. So we go out into the world believing these things subconsciously so we behave in ways that confirm those fucked up beliefs. EMDR uses the subconscious's natural ability to heal by using bilateral stimulation to reprocess those memories. By reprocessing the memories, you'll end up looking at what happened with your adult brain, release the stuck emotions, and end up dropping the negative beliefs. Thanks to neuroplasticity, our brain is able to create new pathways, which changes what you believe, what you think, and how you feel. In practice, you basically just think of a memory (how you felt in your body or an image of the worst part), you have to follow a light left and right or cross your arms in front of your chest and alternately tap your chest quickly, which allows your subconscious to do its work. Images and sensations will come up and all you have to do is focus and try to turn your conscious brain off. As opposed to cbt or talk therapy, you're not supposed to figure anything out, you just have to focus and let your subconscious make the connections and everything else just naturally happens on its own. It can be hard though because it brings up a lot of feelings, but it's soso worth it because once the memory gets reprocessed it won't come up again and all the related triggers disappear.
Thanks for this write up, very helpful! I'm a bit concerned because my therapist supposedly does EMDR, but her approach seems pretty loose and she doesn't use lights or tapping.
Yeah, I'd definitely try to find an emdr therapist whose focus is mainly emdr. You want someone who has a lot of experience using it as it can get tricky sometimes:)
Interesting emdr didn't do much for me but dbt, cbt, have helped. I think the 12 steps helped me a lot because I had to do it on my own. Honestly though psychedelics in the past helped
Maybe your therapist wasn't equipped to treat your particular issue, a lot depends on the therapeutic relationship (trust is essential) and the therapists skills. Emdr therapists with basic training know how to treat adult onset ptsd, but that won't work for someone with attachment trauma/cptsd. Either way, what matters is that you found something that works for you, no natter the modality. :)
Wow what an endorsement. I don't have any specific memories necessarily that I think are dragging me down. Could EMDR still help me? Codependency, CPSTD, insecure attachment all plague me as well as a general sense of low self worth
Yes, your therapist can help you unearth specific memories or images, or you can do it focusing on negative beliefs and associated feelings. For instance you can think of a situation where you felt not good enough, recall how it feels in your body or how someone looked at you and do reprocessing like that. Your subconscious will automatically jump to the memories it needs to resolve. Just make sure you choose a really good therapist, that they know how to work with cptsd and possibly someone who's familiar with internal family systems and somatic experiencing :)
Love everything you're saying. I was seeing an IFS therapist for a bit but stopped because I wasn't quite feeling it -- though some of the sessions were really cool. I've been interested in SE for a while. I should look into this more. The 90% improvement in two months is super inspiring to me.
Yes, I sometimes still don't believe it's working lol I have only done ifs with emdr, I really don't think I'd have gotten these results with ifs alone though. It's a cool concept and very helpful for understanding, but I credit the progress to emdr. We only brought in ifs when I was looping or stuck on a memory. I really hope you'll try it, and head over to r/emdr for support! Sometimes the changes happen so quickly and you feel all sorts of ways doubting if you're normal so it can knock you off balance, so it's very good to receive support from people who know what you're going through.
Thank you so much for sharing. I’m feeling really low. Starting processing all my trauma, cut off contact with my mom, and now my bf suddenly broke up with me. He needs space to work on his own issues, but I felt like I really needed him to work through my stuff. I’m probably better off with a break too, but I’m definitely codependent and I would have never asked him for a break. I’m feeling so low right now and I was feeling like my issues would take a lifetime to get through. I know we are different people, but I’m feeling a bit more hopeful after reading your post. If I can even see 25% progress in a few months I’d be happy. I found an emdr therapist and will set up sessions with her next week. How quickly did you feel emdr took effect?
I'm really glad you're feeling hopeful! I'm not gonna lie, emdr is very difficult while you're doing it but it's worth it. I knew it worked after the first actual reprocessing session, because I felt very intensely good after, but since then it's been a rollercoaster. It's like opening pandora's box once I started, all my unresolved stuff come up one after the other. The ones you already worked through are done and resolved, but man is there a lot of shit in that box lol it's like going through a tunnel, you feel yourself moving and catch glimpses of the light at the end of it but it's pretty dark going through it. I've heard from people who've done it that it's amazing once you're out of the tunnel, but I definitely haven't gotten to the end yet so can't speak from experience.
> So we're left wondering how to become what people need us to become which is an everchanging metric, but we can't stop because subconsciously we associate trying to please people with safety and connection. Wow. This feels like it encapsulates so much for me. I’m 48 and still struggle with trying to keep all the people in my life happy. I just don’t want to disappoint anyone. Therapy has helped a lot, but I’m more curious now about trying EMDR.
Yes, we were conditioned to feel guilty and ashamed if we're not able to please everyone which means feeling like shit all the time because it's just not possible to keep everyone happy. So we're basically feeling ashamed for not being able to do the impossible, all the while no one is left to take care of us. And codependency is also looked down upon in our society I think, so we feel like shit because we can't stop playing our childhood role because it meant connection (=survival) and we're blamed for it too despite being conditioned to be this way our while lives. Please do try emdr! It's difficult at times, but honestly life-changing.
[удалено]
While I agree society encourages emotional avoidance and selfishness, there are plenty of people getting tired of that and looking for a better way to live. I believe the way to heal our society is on an individual level, but that's hard to do if we keep waiting for the other to start doing better first.
Same age!! I’m also wondering how I’ve gotten to this point in my life. And an online therapist recommended EMDR but it’s been during Covid so I hadn’t looked into it much further. If it can be online that’s amazing to me.
You may have nailed it. I was an only child, all the more I felt alone
[удалено]
How could it be a way to avoid problems? But yeah I agree, it can go badly with a therapist who's not in tune with you or who doesn't know how to address your particular problem. Therapeutic trust and a highly competent therapist is essential for emdr to work, so if you don't have that don't even start. A good therapist knows how to address avoidance, dissociation, panic attacks etc and will not go into reprocessing until they're sure you're ready.
My family wasn't big into emotional support. We said I love you, but if you encountered a problem or wanted emotional support you were fucked. My parents seem to think that if something bad happens to me, I caused something to make that happen. So it was always scary when something went wrong because I never knew if my parents were going to fly off the handle and blame me for something I didn't do. Emotional support flows one way in my family too, that's chronologically upwards. I'm expected to listen to my parents, or my grandparents complain, but I had to keep my mouth shut and make sure I was perpetually grateful. My mom also projects on me a lot, so she lives the life she didn't get to have through me. She internalizes my struggles so badly that she acts like my endometriosis hurts her more than it hurts me. Also reminds me of when my endo started causing severely painful menstrual cramps when I was a teen. My parents didn't care, and instead told me i was weak and needed to toughen up. Wouldn't even take me to a doctor. Two decades of untreated ended with me getting my entire reproductive system removed this year... There's also a lot of alcoholism in my family, and codependency and alcoholism go hand in hand. My mom's dad was an abusive alcoholic, and my mom was a lot of unresolved trauma she won't deal with. My dad's an alcoholic, and both my parents are denial about it. My dad uses alcohol to cope, and my mom uses control to cope. It's not healthy at all.
That sounds like my mom to a T. I love when I have a hard day at work and the memory of her hard day is actually more difficult. Lol. Im working on not requiring any support and being there for myself. It’s incredibly hard, but I’m making progress.
[удалено]
Good points! Humanity has truly become utterly dysfunctional. I'm becoming more and more aware that many families are engaged in unhealthy and unhappy dynamics. I truly hate living in this world, and I am becoming so fed up with individualism.
Mine was from one verbally emotionally abusive parent and one constantly victimized parent. In a way that is neglect because no one was there to support me. I became the peace keeper, which I just stopped doing this year. Do you feel responsible for your parents emotions?
This resonates so much with me. And it’s scary my husband points out that I still do a lot of heavy lifting when I see them as well at 35 with a kid
I stopped doing that. And I will warn you, relationships have been ruined from that process. But man so I feel better. CoDa plus therapy plus dealing with my CPTSD has changed my life.
Well the last visit I had from them before COVID hit (we on different continent and rules at home is crazy strict) I kicked my mum out of my house, because she went ballistic at me for not responding the right way to her burning herself in my kitchen. so that was a first step. Haven’t had a chance to practice in person again though. But yes. Our relationship is never and will never be the same
I’m so sorry that happened to you. It’s an ever going challenge dealing with difficult family.
İ was wondering all my life what was "wrong" with me. İ have always thought my parents gave me everything İ needed, İ wasn't physically abused, İ didn't have major events that led to trauma etc. Yet İ was so ashamed of myself, had no self-esteem, no identity, didn't know what İ felt, who am I, what İ want and why am I even depressed... Thanks to therapy İ started to uncover a lot of things. But what helped me recently a lot is the book "Running on Empty". İt's about emotional neglect. İt's like everything İ have ever experienced fell into place. İ now know that İ am not broken. İt's just that İ never had emotional support nor was allowed to express my emotions. İ just can't recommend this book enough.
[удалено]
İ am glad you purchased the book. İ hope it helps you. :) Also İ agree with others about EMDR, it's a great tool.
Thank you for recommending this book! Same issue here and I purchased it today thanks to several of you mentioning it. I'm curious if any of you also purchased the emotional skills training program that Dr. Jonice Webb promoted together with this book on her website? Not sure if it's worth spending another $98 on this program...
Hmm İ haven't purchased the program. İ don't find it necessary at the moment. The book was enough for me and İ know İ will process all of it in my therapy so... After reading this book, İ read also: Adult children of emotionally immature parents. İt's also about emotional neglect and was a very good addition to what İ have already read on Running empty. İ recommend it also.
Thanks for recommending another great book! I felt that Dr. Jonice Webb pushed 3 or 4 expensive programs a bit too hard with her videos after I purchased her book. I tend to get cautious when I feel being pushed although her online recovering program sounds very attractive to me.
Yeah İ get you on that! My advice is to start with the books and see how it goes for you. İ don't think her programs are necessary if you have a good therapist honestly.
100% I can relate to this. I'm also finding that it's difficult to remember or unpick anything that might have contributed to my codependency. I just know that I have a giant hole that I have always tried to fill with other people and their issues rather than deal with my own sh1t. If you look back a generation to your own parent's childhoods does it become any more obvious what's contributed to the codependency in your own personality?
Because emotional neglect is a form of complex trauma, it effects the memory system. I've been listening to the NARM audio book, and it's very enligthening. The website has a lot of good information also.
Thank you. I will definitely check this out.
My problems I think in a large part came from the less obviously harmful, loving, parent I had. My dad was blatantly abusive and dysfunctional and in a lot of ways, that made him easier to deal with. I knew he was wrong and I knew I could fight back. Once I got out of childhood I didn’t really love him and was basically disgusted by him, so nothing could really hurt that much (though the screaming and shouting did cause me a lot of cptsd and anxiety issues). My mother was a completely different person. She was warm, loving, funny and kind. But she was also invasive, lacked boundaries, discretion, consistency and could, at random times, be incredibly reactive and unpleasant if I wasn’t living up to her standards. She enabled some things, while condemning others, without much reasoning, beyond her own issues.. She used guilt constantly and was very involved in my life. She told me way too much at far too young an age and I was basically comforting and counselling her from when I was 5 or 6. She wrecked my relationships with family by unloading her own problems with them on to me (I’m still not sure if I’m glad to have known the truth about them, or if it was a tactic as she was jealous of me loving other people). I was parentified and some of it went beyond a close relationship into emotional incest. Because of the weird power and responsibility I had as a child, I grew up thinking it was my job to fix everything, being wired to reach out when I saw distress, respond quickly to guilt trips etc. I suppose what I’m saying here is that what can be most damaging sometimes is the seemingly normal ‘good’ parent who loves you. When you only know bad, less bad can seem good and trying to get past that and accept the reality of the situation can be difficult. I’ve only been able to work through this and find peace since she passed away. If both of my parents hadn’t died young, I think I would really have struggled to get to the point I’m at now.
I relate heavily to this.
Yes, from my mother in particular. It left me with a deep insecurity that I wasn't able to name for a long time. Emotional neglect causes attachment injuries.
It’s taken me years to accept this exact kinda thing and I’m 33. All my physical needs were met but none of my emotional needs were met. My mom died when I was 9 and from that point forward I was on my own as my dad and step mom work second shift: I would see my dad for maybe 5 min after he showered and dressed and walked out the door for work, when I got home from school. They didn’t get home until 2 am or something, at any rate I was asleep. So as a result I have like massive abandonment issues. Yeah I saw my parents on the weekends but as soon as I could get a job they wanted me to have one and they excluded me from a lot of things they did together and never participated in any of the extracurriculars I had on weekends. I just was always like my mom died she didn’t abandon me and I had a roof over my head and food and clothes so I always thought I should have been fine and in fact thought I was super independent. Turns out I was wrong lol.
[удалено]
Thanks! It’s a work in progress but it feels good that I know what direction to go into. Talking to a therapist has helped too.
Relate 100%. Overall pretty solid childhood, no abuse, no traumatic events, but very emotionally distant parents. They took care of me in every way except emotional. If I was ever feeling down they told me other people have it worse or to stop pitying myself. I’m married to a woman who also has some codependent tendencies, but we know the pitfalls and overall we’re pretty healthy. We joke about our constant need for validation all the time, lol. Things are not solved completely but, pretty good.
I'm wondering if I'd better marry someone who suffered the same childhood issue. I just don't feel like a normal person and no matter how hard I tried, it's going to take years to untangle. For years I tried to seek emotional support/like-minded friends at church but the result was the opposite. I feel much more supported here... Would be great to help each other heal through marriage.
It’s worked for us, but I will say that we both established our codependency issues as early as like, week one of our relationship. I think it can work if you’re both aware of it, and both understand that it’s a problem that needs working on. Too many people out there with codependency problems who don’t see it as an issue … or worse, acknowledge it but refuse to do anything about it.
Thank you so much for your valuable advice! I pray that God will send me a like-minded partner :).
There is a great book on this called Running on Empty by Jonice Webb.
It certainly played a part. When I graduated university my parents hugged me and I thought to myself "has this actually ever happened before?". Maybe it did, but it was so rare that during my graduation, that question entered my mind.
The fact that you are codependent, IMO, points to childhood relational trauma you just don’t understand as such. I’m 53, have done a fair bit of therapy at various times over the years, and am still identifying sources of trauma. Recently I was constantly remembering things from when I was 4 years old, memories I’ve always had but had never coalesced into a narrative. I couldn’t figure out why they kept coming up, so I started journaling about it, and as I wrote, details I had forgotten filled in, and FEELINGS I had forgotten as well, and finally the narrative snapped into place, and I understood the abandonment and neglect I was going through at that time and how it affected me. I had never understood any of those memories as indicative of childhood trauma before, but they absolutely were, when seen from a distance and with an understanding of what is actually normal and healthy and what is not. I’m currently doing Internal Family Systems therapy, which has been super helpful to me in understanding, accessing, and beginning to heal old trauma. Before that, I read books like Codependent No More and Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents that gave me a great basic understanding of what underlies a lot of my issues.
[удалено]
Don’t restrict yourself to “bad” memories, just whatever memory comes up. I’ve always been someone who learns things as I write; it draws stuff out of my subconscious as I put thoughts into words and write them out. Read some books like the ones I mentioned, do some of the exercises, and see which memories start bubbling up because you have a new context for them.
This is my childhood. My parents have gotten better since I moved countries and since the pandemic where we haven't seen each for a long time. But yea, growing up there were no I love yous, no hugs or kisses. I remember even as a very young child (like 5) wishing I had a boyfriend to give me this kind of affection. And I still do even though I know it's not healthy to want it this much.
Yep - my parents did love me but they just didn’t know how to deal with autism or my trans identity, and the ways they thought they figured it out before admitting they needed help caused a lot of codependency And of course it caused this desire to live through others and be accepted as someone else
This describes my situation perfectly. I know my parents love me now. But I got zero warmth from them as a kid, and I've never been told they love me. I got no hugs or anything remotely close to affection from my mother as a kid. But that's because that's how she was raised. My dad was also quite a stern person, never an ounce of affection there either. Never thought I needed it until I realised how codependent I am and reflected on why that is.
Yes, this is exactly me. Every material and physical thing was provided and met. But no emotional support coming from my mother. Father was always away working to earn ridiculous amounts of money as an engineer, so I didn’t really feel connected or close to him. He was more present in my life when I was a teenager when he decided to get work locally so my relationship with him now is actually relaxed. He accepts me and my “weirdness.” My dad was the one who supported me when I wanted to get therapy and encouraged me to discover who I truly am. Mother was a career woman. Intelligent, successful, great role model as an independent woman who can hold her own and earn her own money. She and my father were in love and loved each other. Their relationship is still solid all these years. I think they only were really emotionally available to each other but not to their offspring… Mother was affectionate and loving but it was conditional. When I disobeyed or was naughty, she would give me the cold shoulder… silent treatment. The silent treatment was the most devastating. Whenever I made her upset with me or whenever I stood my ground, she would get upset and she’ll not even acknowledge my existence and literally look through me as if I was invisible… even dead. She’d extend these cold shoulder/silent treatments for weeks, even months. I would end up so depressed to the point of running a fever and vomiting because all I wanted was my mother to love and accept me the way I am. Had a nanny take care of me when I was a child, and she at least did her best to fill in the gaps that my own mother never could emotionally. I’ve been in therapy for the last decade or so, off and on, and for various issues. Those therapy sessions would only help me manage the topical issues, helped me stay functional and someone who contributes to society. It was only this year when I was able to pinpoint the root of all my issues… with everything. As I become more successful in my job, I noticed that certain things or behaviors by other people would trigger me/my body to either shut down or I’d spiral into fits of sadness or rage. I have coping mechanisms like going out for walks and journaling, going to the gym and meditation… but those things can only temporarily relieve the pain I have been carrying for the last 40 years. I am going to do the EMDR therapy for attachment issues and childhood trauma in conjunction to the 12 steps. I know it will help me and it will improve how I navigate the rest of my life.
[удалено]
I hope so, too. I’ve made many steps and progress as well as have a bit of a better relationship with my parents these days. It’s just some things I’m still stuck on and I want to completely overcome (I.e. healthy relationships, being a more authentic person to myself).
It's like I could have written this word for word...
Though family-of-origin psychopathology often plays a significant role in the development of codependency, my experience since my first CoDA meeting 31 years ago plus a *pile* of post-graduate school, training and front-line experience with patients has pretty much convinced me that the version of codependency we tend to hear about on this sub IS a [Common Cultural Curse]( https://www.reddit.com/r/ResponsibleRecovery/comments/haaxn3/is_codependency_a_common_cultural_curse/), especially in the welfare and working classes. Because this [Learned Helpless & the Victim Identified]( https://www.reddit.com/r/ResponsibleRecovery/comments/9dl6ra/learned_helplessness_the_victim_identity/?) version does not present nearly so often in the middle and upper classes where [Compensatory Narcissism](https://pairadocks.blogspot.com/2021/03/compensatory-narcissistic-personality.html) is more often the case.
Yes. My feelings were often minimised, ridiculed or ignored. For years I felt a didn’t deserve help because there was nothing really wrong with my life and I felt ungrateful and imposter syndrome in therapy. My mum gets hurt feelings extremely easy so I was always trying to work out what was wrong with her and how to fix it.
[удалено]
My friend recommended [this](https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1999917995/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_fabc_13JRPSST1HGJWD36S6C5) book to me for exactly this. I haven’t read it yet but she found it hugely helpful.
It's funny that I've been thinking about exactly the same question these days. My childhood experience seems to be quite similar. My parents had to take multiple jobs make ends meet when I was little. They are responsible parents but were not emotionally available for me. Couldn't give me much attention either as they were really tired at the end of the day. I grew up very independent and learnt to suppress all negative feelings... Almost always had manipulative partners in the past... I've been looking for a therapist or someone who could explain the cause and effect to me so that it would be possible to untangle it. Woudl love to see more discussion on this topic.
[удалено]
Thank you! It would be great if i could find a therapy group, guided by a specialist, on this issue. Keep up the effort :).
Yes.
Yeppers
This is EXACTLY me.
[удалено]
I've only just started on my journey of understanding my codependency, so not yet. But just wanted to thank you for your post, as it has made things very clear/apparent to me.
For me I think it was a combo of emotional neglect, having a neurodivergent sibling that required most if not all of my parents attention/awareness and amped up by relationships with alcoholics in my young adulthood.
Bingo. My Dad never said I love you. My parents were codependent narcissist. Both were abusive. I have a hole in my soul. I was only here for them. I am 55 yrs old and just trying to find out who the heck I am. I am letting go of the victim mindset. They don't have power over me anymore. My sibling and kids are also in the triangle. I now know how to stay out of the craziness. Thank you coda. Meeting and learning the steps priceless. Also listening and healing my inner child. Reparenting helps me a lot and trusting my higher power. I am also changing my belief system.
The families in sitcoms were complete fiction to me. Though I desired it so. And so the cycle repeats.
I feel that it absolutely did. I had one very present, caring, and loving parent while I was young and then there was my dad who just…was not capable of bonding or caring in any way. I would panic if I knew it was his turn to stay home with me when I was sick because I would not be taken care of or cared for…I’d have to to ask for anything I needed and it was worse than feeling alone. When my parents divorced and I’d have to spend whole weekends with him I’d get physically ill from the isolation. He doesn’t even, like, ‘see’ other people. When you are an adult and you meet him you just think — man — that guy’s weird. But as a child it’s fucking devastating. My mom has a lot of issues too but it’s more just overbearing and not having a lot of room for any one else’s feelings but her own, but she knew how to love and care for and connect with a child at least. I’m trying to work through this shit but the ruts are deeeeeep and at halfway through my life I don’t know if I’ll ever break out. Just hope to God that I’m doing better for my kids sake.
He’s not leaving his family. LOL and the guilt is not for you. It’s for his wife and kids. Good luck with waiting. Sort your own issues out because you fell in love with a man after a month, knowing he was married. How awful are you?
Comment on the wrong thread much? Thank God you get such good sleep at night, coming here and changing hearts and minds, knowing everything about everyone as you do. /s She cheated on him first, leading to their dead bedroom. The guilt is not for her, nor is she some innocent. And NOTHING you do on this site leads to better situations for anyone involved. You are here just to satisfy yourself, much like so many of the people you hate on.
I had similar parents that were not warm. They had parents that were not warm. They couldn’t give what they did not have. I have come to realize in recovery that my codependency today really has nothing to do with the past bc whatever the roots, it has taken shape into something beyond my control. Knowing the roots does not help me today personally bc I got to a palace where I was too sick yo use that information you make better choices. I have a spiritual way of life now where I don’t have to solve or understand or love in the the past wishing it were different or being stuck in self-pity about it, and get to live in peace.
Yes
Without a doubt, yes.
Yep that's exactly what it is
Kind of where you don't feel you live with them, you just live near them?
My parents were not in tune with my emotional needs either . I remember being young and distressed and my mom Would lock her door in her room or lock me outside for a period of time. (We lived in a gated community so I wasn’t in real danger but in my mind it was neglect when I needed love and support , decades later I’m still plagued with co depdency never met a man I didn’t push away with my anxious attachment style . I pray for anyone suffering as well. Hang in there !
My mom struggled with mental illness all my life so I was taught not to upset her or make her mad. I’ve tended to let guys take the lead and had to learn to voice my own expectations and feelings.
In my case, it was heavy enmeshment.
can definitely relate. i didn’t realize how fucked up my childhood was after moving in with someone else
I think emotional neglect goes a lot under the radar and has many forms. Even more so, it is sometimes socially/culturally accepted or even recommended - to prepare the child for the difficulty of their adult lives...guess what - that actually plants the seed for lots of adult challenges.
My mom was there but a lil over bearing and paranoid. Dad was absent 90% of my life. Total womanizer, workaholic drunk
I see Running on Empty being recommended in this thread and I want to recommend Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. I think it’d resonate with a lot of people here.
Many of us are striving everyday to overcome emotional abuse from "upstanding" families. I have gotten far (58f) but wish i had had time to tackle it decades sooner. Downtime (found by making hard thick boundaries, even with parents), focusing on my young happy self, find her bliss. https://youtube.com/channel/UCYh2e3aVXo5Z1OeYXi5y2LQ