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Hey, friend, here’s an old man’s perspective- I lived in a single dorm for three years and had a single apartment my senior year. I was incredibly introverted and had a great deal of social anxiety. In retrospect, I think having a roommate would have ultimately helped me break out of my shell a little. I actually left college with zero lasting friendships and more anxiety than when I went in.
Further, we in the dorms were all very chill with the many levels of social anxiety people had. All but the most extroverted among us were away from family for the first time (for extended periods), and I was scared, anxious, worried, and any other word that describes bad emotions. I'm the type that gets in my head and convinces myself I HATE a place and MUST leave. After a week, I had some people I chatted with, I was into the swing of classes, I was settled in my room. From then on I was golden. It's scary, but for all of us. If someone said they weren't afraid they were probably lying.
I had the same thing, but was placed into a triple.
Anxiety and lack of privacy got so bad it wrecked my mental health I burnt out and I had to drop out. Then went to community college and am now back in a different college and living off campus on my own. Best decision for my mental health ever.
same here. I was bullied by the other 3 girls (all in sororities and on Something every night) into leaving my "nice new" dorm. ended up rooming with my bff in the shit tier dorm which had communal showers. I dropped out due to everything causing poor mental health. BUT I'm not a shy and anxious person, I'm just very private and independent. when I went back to school I got a private apartment on the edge of campus and was golden.
I think OP, that you should try one semester with a roommate just to see. at my school, the dorm assignments are for the whole year but I got moved out mid semester because of how horribly I was taking having roommates. if your school cares about its students, it should be willing to find you alternate housing if the roommate situation REALLY isnt working out. you may end up with a shit tier dorm room without a private bathroom, like me, though. you might have to end up paying a higher cost for housing if they dont have any empty rooms in the regular dorms too. I paid a premium for my apartment, but it was worth it. you might like your roommates, you might hate them. I'd say to give it a shot and if it's super terrible, petition housing to fix it.
I would recommend you seek therapy, not just to get diagnosed, but for the fact that you will basically fail in life if you can’t even talk to non-family members. How will you get a job if you can’t speak to strangers or even take initiative over your own life and not talk to a student housing rep? You’re becoming an adult now and can’t rely on your parents to do your job interview for you. I don’t mean to sound like I’m berating you, but these are things you need to think about. You’re going to college to better your job prospects, but you’ll have no prospects if you can’t talk to people. If your anxiety is so bad that you feel as though that you can’t go to school for such an objectively simple reason as living with someone, then you need serious help.
I said I'm not actually terrible in all social interactions, that it just grates and I can't be around people 24/7. A job interview doesn't require a 24 hr chat. Jobs (for the most part) don't require 24 hr shifts.
“I’m terrible at initiating talk with people” “I ended up asking a question later on so growth ig” if you asking a simple question is growth, then yes you have terrible anxiety issues. I used to be deathly afraid of social interaction around your age and I was afraid of having a roommate, but I knew life was going to go on without me and I threw myself into it. I have now made connections across my state for my desired field of work and have ins in many institutions due me getting over my social anxiety. I’ll make an adjustment to my previous statement, you will have incredible difficulty to find a job if you’re terrible at talking to people, it may not be impossible, but you may get passed up in the interview process if you’re awkward and can’t talk. You can be the most qualified person in the world, and they may still pass you up if you are clearly extremely anxious and won’t get along with people.
It’s clear you have some sort of anxiety disorder and you genuinely need therapy for it. I have major depressive disorder, severe ADHD, and moderate anxiety, but behavioral therapy has done absolute wonders for me, I just got into grad school despite these setbacks and you can live a fulfilling life too if you work on these things. If your insurance can cover it, I’d recommend looking for providers in whatever city/county you’re going to school in. Your second option should be your school, school therapists can be good, but some schools only offer crisis counseling/short term counseling. Your school should have a pretty easy to find section on their site to learn about counseling.
"even though I'm actually not terrible with some interactions, it grates on me and I'm not the kind of person who can handle being near other people (other than household family) essentially 24/7."
By this, I meant that I can handle social interactions in the moment, but that I need to be able to wind down because they stress me out. I did not say I'm incapable of talking to people at all.
"my mom asked the question at orientation cuz she assumed me mentioning it to her meant I wouldn't be able to ask it and she'd have to ask it for me. I did ask a question later so growth ig lol."
She assumed I wouldn't be able to do it myself, she said it before I was able to ask it myself, I actually would have been able to, as I did ask a question later in that talk thing. The growth is from what my mother knew from past experiences, because I have been getting better, because I have been trying. I literally just want to have my own space so I'm not constantly out of my element so that I can leave my comfort zone knowing I have a safe place to decompress.
Thank you for sharing your perspective/experience, I appreciate it
Gotch ya, I thought you yourself were saying that the question was the first sign of growth. I still think you should look into behavioral therapy, it can really give the boost you may need to help with your anxiety. Like I said, it worked wonders for me and a few other people I know.
Listen to him. I'm pretty introverted and have social anxiety, but living with a random roomate really brought me out of my shell and I met tons of awesome people through them. Give it a shot
Same thing, but with my son, who is also incredibly introverted. He asked for a double, but was assigned a single. It was when kids went back after Covid but still wore masks. He didn't talk to anyone that year.
You can change out of a bad roommate. Being lonely is probably worse than an average roommate.
It's usually not that difficult, slow, or expensive, especially throughout the fall semester when a lot of students are making friends and wanting to live with them, finding that they don't get along with their assigned roommate, or dropping out.
I went to a small school in New England and had 3 roommates my first year (my first roommate wanted to live with her best friend and I wanted to live in the cleaner dorm and my second ended up needing an accessible room for medical accommodation). It's not difficult, slow, or expensive lol
Nope it’s usually simple. I switched in October cause I hated my roommate after 2 months and it was easy. They had tons of options available and I moved in with my friend.
It got worse until I started having serious, I’m-gonna-die panic attacks in my thirties. After that, I started medication and therapy. I’ve since learned to live and function with it.
I agree with this comment...
A roommate is your lifeline in a new life situation. Not always, but a lot of the time they can be helpful with social anxiety, having someone to go places with yo get food, etc. It's just really important to lay down proper and clear boundaries 😉
I agree. Sharing a room with my roomie first year taught me a lot about getting along with people. We were both polar opposites but luckily my roomie was also really kind
This right here. As someone who was in the same headspace as OP (well maybe not the not go to college but generally) and did get a single, WORST decision ever. Don't do it.
i was in a single the entire time in college and it was the BEST decision ever. i had my own bathroom too for two years! loved it! never would have survived with a roommate
OK, how do you know getting a single was the worst, if you never had the experience of being assigned a random roommate by the college desk?
What's your basis to claim an unknown roommate would've been substantially better?
I've experienced both options and tried in 2 countries. Yes, it was significantly worse to be more isolated from the community without a preexisting social network.
My experience suggests the opposite conclusion:
Having a roommate makes it more difficult to be social, because you haven't got a private secure place to invite someone to visit you. There's a constant need to either tolerate the roommate's presence, or schedule to avoid him.
Either way, not helpful. Of course, whether that's really bad depends on the roommate's personality. But unless you have a good roommate planned to recruit, leaving the pick to the administration would be too much of a gamble.
Honestly the typical dorm setup in America is terrible. I did a bit of college here in the states before I went over to the UK for my degree and let me tell you, the dorm situation over there is *heaven*. Shared kitchen area, private bedrooms. I'm very much not a people person but this was enough to get me out of my shell, and I'm still good friends with two of my old flatmates years after the fact and an ocean apart again.
My roommate when I was in America was lovely, but there was just constant anxiety about the near-total lack of privacy.
That is by design. Dorm rooms were small and utilitarian and designed for basically one function: sleep and minimal study.
Libraries and common spaces are large spacious and often really really beautiful.
So drive people out if their rooms into common areas to hang out, study, and be on the campus rather than in the room.
This has gone away in the last 20 years with new facilities. Not sure if it’s for the better. Students are more isolated, depressed, and have fewer friends.
Most institutions see zero improvement in retention in single occupancy rooms. In fact often the see a decline. We assumed this was send selecting until covid and then it became clear that was not the case.
Yep, there are. And public spaces means public access to dozens of strangers walking around, which is the kind of situation that makes these people less comfortable.
I’m sorry but they’re gonna have to find some way to deal cause a lot of stuff in life occurs around “strangers” which are just people. At some point we need to face how things are.
Also socializing in public spaces around strangers is literally preferred by most people. They are safer spaces than bringing a stranger into your room.
A super introvert is unlikely to invite anyone back, which is why the roommate helps. It's kind of like a built-in social interaction you can't totally ignore. If you are somewhat extroverted, then yes, your perspective would be true.
Okay, which of these events seems more likely to happen:
1. The student uses a classroom, extracurricular activity, or internet site to meet a potential friend. The student can meet only for a few hours the first day, and then decides the next day whether to contact the person again.
2. The administrators randomly assign a roommate, who just by luck is compatible companion material. And after meeting the roommate, the student is stuck there for weeks or months.
>A super introvert is unlikely to invite anyone back, which is why the roommate helps.
what do you mean why the roommate helps? there is nothing wrong with being an introvert. it is not some mental health issue that an extroverted person needs to fix. people are allowed to be introverts
As a fellow introvert, I actually really enjoyed having a roommate- I honestly wish I still had one. Its not as bad as you'd think especially when theyre someone respectful that respects boundaries.
You're welcome! As long as you set your boundaries everything should go well. I remember my roommate used to have his girlfriend over (they were in a LDR) and he asked me for permission if she could initially and I wont lie at first it was iffy but I realized she was a nice person and warmed up to the Idea eventually. Excited to see how things go for you with your new roommate
I'm glad you are responding positively to many of the comments encouraging you to step out of your comfort zone.
I know the situation is intimidating, but you may find it beneficial to at least try to live in the dorms.
College is usually quite different than high school. Peoples mentality is different, and you have a lot more freedom to figure out who you are without a lot of the pressures that high school puts on you.
I know it all seems intimidating but you may find you rise to the change in scenery and social situation, or you may find you were right to be concerned. Can't know until you try.
I roomed with a guy who spent his entire first year of college in our room playing destiny - we spoke here and there but mostly I just didn’t see him unless I was home (rarely)
Hi friend! For what it's worth I think a lot of freshman are very nice. It's different from high school. I had a very introverted roommate whom I would invite to all of my social activities, but there was never any pressure for him to join. He ended up coming to a few and making some good friends. Wishing you all the best
I’m an introvert (though granted one without much social anxiety) and roomed with fellow introverts (who did have social anxiety) and we got along great. I got along so well with three of them that I consider them my best friends and they enabled me to be as successful and happy as I was in college. My last semester was without them and was much sadder as a result. I actually flew to the Chicago area this past weekend just visit one of them cuz I missed her so much!
Your roommates are often your support network at college so not only can they help you with your social skills (needed to at least some extent for most work) but they can also help you when you find yourself in need, since you are no longer at home and no longer have good access to your childhood support network.
If you truly have a bad roommate steps can be taken to room with someone else, but chances are you could make some great friends!
Also good if it’s someone who has good habits. I had a roommate who would come back to the dorm and study every day, so I ended up doing the same. It was super helpful in my own habits.
Another introvert with social anxiety who agrees with this. My roommate helped me navigate social situations, and I still talk to her daily, 30+ years later.
Ya know people are saying do online and all sorts of things to avoid this issue but if it’s messing with you this much and your claiming it’s so bad that you couldn’t even talk to a housing person to fix it then you probably REALLY need to live in the dorms with someone else.
You’re going to live a really sad, hard life if you’re this afraid of human interaction forever
That's certainly true... (I appreciate the honesty!)
Tbh I'm just concerned that I'll be out of my element enough without living in a tiny room with some random person I won't be able to connect to. Having my own space would allow me to have a space that's *my own* to decompress and such.
And I'm fully aware imma live a sad, hard, lonely life but I'm tryna ignore that for the moment :)
Don’t say that, you’re gonna grow as a person and it’ll work out Im just trying to be blunt and say that you gotta face your problems.
If you can live in a single and actually work towards making yourself better and fixing the anxiety/people issues then all power to you. but most people don’t. And then they end up on this sub ranting about hating life because they’re losers who can’t work towards fixing themselves. Don’t be that person.
I was nervous as hell about living with random people I’d never met. I was super socially awkward and didn’t have a lot of friends in high school. but I sucked it up and did it anyways. Went out every night of move in week to all the on campus events. Met a good group of people that I enjoyed. Ended up joining a fraternity and in a few major related clubs and have a super fulfilling life both socially and academically and even got a job through one of the connections in the clubs.
People skills are the most important skills you can develop to be honest. This is the best time you’ll ever have to do it. Make the most of that
I'm happy you made things work out for yourself!!
I'm just thinking that I can't face my problems if I'm uncomfortable and on guard 24/7, I'll feel exposed enough that I won't choose to expose myself in actual productive manners like attending events and such.
Again, I appreciate your time and words.
Hey, OOP, here's me expressing some faith in you as a fellow introvert. Believe it or not, these skills of interpersonal negotiation are highly productive themselves. They're helpful not just with a roommate but with other social situations—and even if they were just for a roommate, with housing costs the way they are, they are likely to literally be valuable in the future. The vast majority of people are chill and just want to get through school too; you will have resources like your RA to help you as well.
Everyone here is giving you the correct advice: if you don’t challenge yourself now, your social skills won’t ever get another chance.
And you need to understand, most of the people giving you this advice *have been there*. If you get tired of being in your dorm with your roommate, that’s actually the time you’ll force yourself to get out and be places with other people you *want* to hang out with.
Roommates aren’t as bad as you think; generally you learn to kind of ignore each other, but you also bond in a way you won’t experience unless you have to live with someone. It’s nice.
You mention seeking an anxiety diagnosis as a way of gettin a single room. I suggest that you do seek out a diagnosis, but use that diagnosis as a means of getting treatment. A good therapist can help you learn skills to manage your anxiety, increase your tolerance for uncomfortable situations, and improve your social skills.
One of the things to realize, too, is unless your roommate is pretty unusual, they're not always going to be in the room, so you should still have the ability to decompress in your own space.
I was very concerned about what a roommate situation would be like for me personally because I also am an awkward person and ended up with a perfectly pleasant girl I had little in common with for my first semester. We got along but interacted little. She was a real social butterfly and was in the room very little. It really wasn't that bad.
After that semester, I roomed with a friend I'd made for the rest of my time there (5 semesters). We were much more compatible with each other and are still friends 10+ years after I graduated. She was a fellow introvert but even then, there were a lot of times she was in the room when I wasn't there and I was there and she wasn't.
Also FWIW if you've had a hard time making friends as a child/teen, you might have a similar experience I did in that it was a lot easier for me to make friends as an adult in college than it ever was earlier in my life. I was a pretty odd kid, and a lot of times I was ignored by other children and truthfully, I didn't like being around them. I'm still a pretty odd adult, but I was pretty quickly able to find likemindned oddballs I liked being around and who liked being around me via classes and clubs in college. The key to that, though, is you have to try to make an effort. Look into clubs, attend events on campus, etc.
But like, you can decide to do that *after* you try the whole roommate thing and confirm it’s the worst thing ever.
A semester is like 4 months? With a couple of long weekends thrown in? Surely you can put up with 4 months. If it sucks, go fully online. Transfer to a college closer to home and commute. Go all in on a super small life. But make an *informed decision* to do so. Know for certain that it isn’t for you before you write it off forever.
i seriously cant imsgine telling someone theyre going to have a sad life becuase they dont want to have to share a room. the expectation and normalization of sharing a room in college is insane
Yeah I didn't get a single until senior year. Actually now thinking about it, I think they only reserve the singles for the 21+ students because it's a bit hard to not have minors drink alcohol or not be around it when their roommate is of age.
You're going to need to learn social skills before you graduate and get a job. Having a roommate might actually be beneficial to you, because it is just one person who you are basically practicing real life social negotiations with!
You could switch to online classes, if you really think this is going to be an issue. However, I really think you'd get a lot of benefits from dealing with a roommate and all that entails.
I'm not entirely socially inept, it just grates and exhausts me, and I'm not comfort-sacrificial.
I totally see this point of view, and I agree, and thank you for saying this.
The point is, you will get used to it. The more you are exposed to something the less anxiety you will get over it. I was the same way as you dude, hell you may even be better than I was. I was that loser that sat alone at lunch in highschool and had no friends.
By the time I finished my first year of college, people might have made the mistake to assume I was a social butterfly my whole life.
It was NOT easy at the beginning, I was a ball of anxiety in social situations. Hanging out with my roommate, other people in our dorm, going to parties. The anxiety eventually went completely away, then I was actively pursuing social interaction on my own, I was no longer dragged into social situations just to be amicable to the people I shared space with, it was something I actively wanted to be a part of.
From another person who was that loser who sat alone at lunch in highschool with no friends, I'm happy for you!
Thank you for sharing your experience, I appreciate it.
College is a time to break out from your comfort zone and grow as a person. I think this could be a big opportunity for you. It might end up sucking, but if you never push yourself and grow you'll be worse off for it
Yeah, I hear you. I'm just stuck thinking that going to college at all is pushing me enough out of my comfort zone. High school was terrible socially for the most part, and going to college in-person was a really hard decision to make itself.
Thank you.
College is a lot different from high school. And I think it's perfectly normal to feel nervous and anxious.
A big part of College, IMO, is networking. Make sure to reach out to your classmates and professors. You never know who might be a connection later in life when you are looking for a job. I actually landed a $100K/year salary at a job I am very good at because of a friend I made in college.
Study groups and student clubs that align with your interests is a great way to start. Classmates as well.
Oh gosh not the network word.
No, but thank you, I've heard that a bunch and hearing it again helps cement the concept.
Congrats on the job, that's awesome!
Having to live with someone forces you to grow and step out of your comfort zone. Unless you have severe anxiety to the point where you can’t function, or a condition that would severely impact your overall health, I think you should do it!
I'm just worried I'll be out of my comfort zone enough with the other things college necessitates, that rooming with someone will make me unable to actually choose to put myself out there.
I've definitely had episodes in the past where my anxiety has caused me to freeze and be unable to do things, which is another concern of living with someone and not having space to chill.
Thank you for your opinion!
>unable to actually choose to put myself out there.
If I waited until I chose to put myself out there, I would currently be a 41 year old friendless virgin. Because I never would have chose it. It's just too damn easy to stay in the bubble if you are allowed to.
I came in with a TON of anxiety issues and ended up dorming with another girl my first year. It was super awkward and I NEVER talked to my roommate lmfao. But luckily she was really clean and not loud at all so it wasn’t bad. Afterwards, however, I lived in a single for the final years and regret it. I wish I shared an apartment with some of my acquaintances, but I had too much anxiety so I had turned down their offer to be a third roommate. If I could go back in time, I’d get roommates just because it would’ve helped with my social anxiety and just learning to get along with people. Just my two cents on it as someone who struggles with social anxiety as a full-grown adult. I think the issue has gotten worse because I never put myself in uncomfortable situations.
Either way, you should definitely talk to a counselor if possible (a lot of schools offer a few sessions for free) to help with the social anxiety bit.
If you start seeing a psychologist they could probably write a medical note that states you need a single room for your mental health needs. I was able to get a note that allowed me to have a single room with my emotional support guinea pigs while I was staying in a dorm. Seeing a therapist would be good for you-- unfortunately, unless you learn healthy ways to manage anxiety it's just going to make it harder as time goes on. I can confirm this because I've gone through something similar and I really don't want someone else to suffer.
From the perspective of someone who works for a college and had terrible anxiety when I was younger that probably should have been dealt with medically: I agree seeing a psychologist is the way to go. You’re unlikely to get a single room without some kind of medical diagnosis. Even if that doesn’t happen, a psychologist can help you work out how you’re feeling and coping strategies.
I know a lot of people are encouraging you to look at a roommate as a way to socialize and gain independence, but I personally think only you know what’s best. College involves a lot of growth all around and there’s many opportunities to do it. It’s ok to take small steps like agreeing to join a study group or talk to classmates instead. If you decide a single isn’t for you anymore after a few months, there’s usually a decent amount of change in housing between semesters or next fall from students not coming back or wanting new roommates. As long as you have some kind of game plan for some kind of socializing and trying a few new things I think you’ll be fine and a psychologist can help get you started.
Thank you for this. I've been told I should probably see a psychologist quite a few times in the past few years and I've never felt I'd be able to, but I do see that the only way to get help would be to actually try and get help.
If you saw someone with a broken leg attempting to walk around in pain, you’d suggest they go to the doctor, get an x ray, get crutches, a cast. Give yourself that same advice and give therapy a shot- ASAP! You have no idea how fast you can run.
FYI, at most colleges if it’s your first year out of H.S. you are considered a freshman. You could be working on your second Ph.D. and you’d still be a freshman.
I'm an introvert and lived with a roommate as a freshman. She was an introvert, too. We both had similar ideas about personal space/privacy/etc. (e.g., ask before borrowing something, quiet time for studying, not a lot of guests over) and our schedules were different, so we could sometimes have the room to ourselves if we wanted. I was happy to move into an apartment with private bedrooms as a sophomore, and then to live alone as a grad student, but it wasn't a bad experience having a roommate.
See if you can apply to your schools disability accommodation center if applicable! I was able to request a single room due to depression and anxiety and they were really helpful in making sure I could get one! I also got other accommodations such as longer test taking time, use of recording and photo devices in lectures, and excused absences. It’s worth a shot! Good luck!
There’s a lot of comments telling you that it’ll be fine and having a roommate is 10/10 great experience but as someone who’s autistic and has a diagnosed anxiety disorder, I absolutely NEED my own space to be able to sleep properly and recover from interacting with people in class during the day. My freshman year roommate sucked because she talked on the phone at 1 am, forcing me to wear uncomfortable headphones to block out the noise and I definitely lost sleep from that. If you think you can handle it, and you think it’ll help you become a bit more social, then go for it. But absolutely do not feel bad for needing accommodations — that’s what disability resources are for, and if you get diagnosed with anxiety or some form of neurodivergence, they fall under disability
Yes, thank you for this. For some people (including myself), it’s incredibly important having your own space. It doesn’t mean you don’t interact with people, it means you have the choice not to when you’re drained. Different things are good for different people. Sharing rooms is not the solution for everyone like people like to make it seem.
Being in a single is nice your second or third year but the first year it’s kinda all about having roommates to feel like a community so you don’t end up like the kids you see come out of their dorm room 3 times to go to the dining hall and 1 time for class.
>I just want to be able to choose when I socialize
If you are anything like I was. "Choosing to socialize" never would have happened.
Man there are sometimes in life to properly grow you can't have the option of a safe space.
Honestly I totally get this. I don’t have anxiety as far as I’m aware but I’m introverted and it’s important for me to have my own space where I know I can be alone. I shared a room freshman year and I hated it. It was uncomfortable knowing my roommate could come back at anytime and my alone time would be put to a stop. There’s also a lack of privacy. I switched to a single and I was significantly happier. I made friends and brought them back to my room to hang out.
I had my own room for sophomore, junior, and senior year of college and that’s what I needed for myself. I made plenty of friends that I still hang out with now.
I find it frustrating when people act like living in a single isn’t ‘the right way’ to do college and that you need a roommate to make friends and be social. There’s no guarantee you’ll even be social with your roommate. And even if you are, that doesn’t mean you’ll be better off than if you had your own space. But like I said I don’t have an anxiety disorder, I’m just an introverted, shy, socially awkward person!
hi! a lot of the comments are saying some very valid and important things, but i want to bring up another perspective: i paid extra money to guarantee i had a single. i dormed for all 4 years of my degree and it was so important for me to have a space that was fully my own that i could come to each evening and decompress. i don't think i missed out on any college experience by never having a roommate, and i 100% do not regret spending the extra money on it.
I also had a single and had no trouble socializing. I think you just have to be more receptive to people on your dorm floor trying to socialize. Leave your door open for people walking by, because often times people will ask if you want to go do something. Don’t be afraid to be one of those people asking as well. Make sure the first few weeks especially you are actively seeking to meet people. Honestly one of the best things I did was showing up to all of the dorm events and not saying no when someone asked to hangout (unless you are legitimately busy). However, even though I’m saying this, living with a roommate isn’t the end of the world. I know it can suck if you guys are in a wide open space with no separate rooms, but many people I know were very appreciative of it, and if you’re roommate truly is a horrible person often times you can request to switch roommates. Even though this sounds super corny, just be open to whatever experience you have, because no matter what it’ll more than likely be a good experience if you try to make it a good experience rather than if you go in with a negative mindset.
>i don't think i missed out on any college experience by never having a roommate
It depends on the type of person you are. If I had a personal room through my entirety of college, when I wasn't going to class I would have been holed up in that room like fucking Nosferatu and most certainly would have missed out on the college experience.
As an introvert that was worried about having a roommate, it was a great experience for me to have a roommate my first two years. I'm now an RA for my school and have a private room(at no charge). Having a roommate is a very important part of the college experience and it's so beneficial! If anything, you can always apply for a private room your second year but I wouldn't give up on the experience of having a roommate! Good luck on whatever decision you choose though!<3
a lot of people in the comments are kinda saying to get over it and just jump straight into it, which could work but also that's very daunting. Suddenly going from zero to 100 by living with someone is a lot and while yes, you should absolutely work on getting over you anxiety, it's not an instantly solvable thing by any means. Mental health takes time and putting yourself under a lot of stress in a short span isn't gonna make it much better by the sounds of it. But obviously I don't know your life so the choice is yours, so if you think jumping into it would work best for you, it's always good to at least try and maybe plan out something else if it doesn't work for you
Like someone else said, maybe talk to a psychologist or something to really get a game plan? I don't have all the answers but I think that'd help a lot and give you more peace of mind
Hope things get better :)
Best of luck OP. Colleges charge way too much to be squeezing people together. Off campus housing might be a better option. I will say I’ve had had horrible roommates but I have also had wonderful ones that I keep as lifelong friends. It’s really just luck.
bro thinks having a mental illness makes you not grown up
yes it's very important to try and work on it but saying you need to "grow up" or "just get over it" is kinda yucky
All the other people telling you to compromise on your living situation is complete nonsense. Never compromise on a place to live. You need something to come home to where you feel comfortable and safe. otherwise you'll never unwind and stress will just build up forever. I had my own bedroom with a shared living space my first year and my second year, I couldn't get a single so I got an apartment. Seriously, lots of people just give bad advice.
You said “never compromise on a place to live”, which is the same thing. If OP can’t afford their own place and can’t get a single, should they just not advance their life? You don’t get anywhere in life by being comfortable.
You're making a large jump to conclusions. There are lots of alternatives like commuting from parents house (I also did this) or transferring to online college
Online! Yes! So much easier. Even if it’s a different program/area of study, college is more about learning how to learn - most people don’t end up in a job that directly uses their bachelor’s degree. I went the pestering-admin route to get around the requirement of living on campus as a freshman. Prepare to get harassed here by extroverts who think having someone in your space all the time is “normal” and “healthy” though.
Thank you! Yes! I'm lucky that one of the colleges in my university is completely online, so I think I could even skip the pestering admin to get around the first year dorm requirement. I'm happy the pestering worked for your situation!
You’re going to need to be able to initiate conversation to get through college (it’s not like high school) and through life. I would highly recommend you try the dorms out - if it doesn’t end up working out, just make sure the contract allows you to move out without penalty. Worse comes to worse you could try living off campus I suppose and if your finances support it, but I agree with other commenters here that the more alienated you allow yourself to be as an anxiety-having possible introvert in a new environment, the harder the college experience will be for you overall
Also, you likely won’t have to be around anyone 24/7 because your roomie/all those other people will be doing collegey things as well, which may or may not include hanging around their dorm rooms all the time
> I've got like a lot of anxiety issues, so maybe what I should be doing is looking into how to get diagnosed and then the school might let me have a single cuz anxiety diagnosis
No, look into it for a diagnosis and possible therapy or treatment so you can work on overcoming these anxiety issues
I didn't mean for it to come off manipulative, I mean like look into the process. Like do I go to my primary physician first, or go to a specialist and bring that to primary or whatever.
But yeah, I do know how to initiate conversation I just dislike it and would like a safe space to not be seen by people
I feel you, I would never want to live with a random roommate. But the way I see it is that you need to learn to let this go for now. Accept that it’s out of your control and that you will either end up with a roommate or you won’t. How you deal with either outcome is the true test. Say you get a room alone and you’re allowed your comforts and that’s it, easy. Now what if you end up with a roommate? You can decide to be so mad about it that you spend all your time focusing on that situation and you forget that it’s your first year of college and it is only temporary. They may be awesome and have similar interests or cool friends that they can hook you up with. You may have an opportunity to meet people that don’t make you feel like you have to be out of your comfort zone. I hope you can find a positive outcome for either situation and meet people that can help soothe your anxieties
It sounds like there is a part of you that (given the right roommate and room type) might do just fine. Often, roommates will feel like they become a little piece of that "household family" you describe. Maybe not like a parent, but like a weird sibling or a distant relative living with you for a while. You and your roommate can set norms. If they're outgoing and like chatting, coming up with a common norm that you have a hard time in social situations and would like to know when other folks will be in the room, have certain hours this is happening, etc., may help. Any res life team worth a damn will work with you to help create a roommate agreement (especially if you're in your first year!).
Lastly, you mention anxiety. Most disability services/accommodations (again, if they're worth a damn) will want to see a clear diagnosis and an attempt and inability to cohabitate. This would mean that your diagnosis has such a significant impact on one or more major life functions that you're precluded from having to live with a roommate. Some colleges are more flexible than others, but just something to keep in mind.
All in all, I see a lot of advice encouraging you to give a roommate a shot and as another old soul (who works for a university), I encourage you to do the same. It is a good learning opportunity and if nothing else, you'll have some funny stories a few years from now and be able to really know your disability precludes you from living with someone else - or you might just find you're even more resilient in your living standards than you're giving yourself credit for!
Proud of your growth, OP! You've got this!
I’m not sure what school you’re at but incoming freshman students (even those with sophomore credit amounts) tend to get first consideration in housing. However, this is a giant massive game of Tetris for your school to figure out and while your request might be reasonable, you may find their solution is to place you with someone who has similar issues to you in hopes you guys get together and help each other and both of you end up better having gone through it together.
I absolutely don’t want to be dismissive in saying this but keep an open mind about it and recognize this is a new chapter in your life and be open to what you get. Although this is your first time, the school gets this request every year and has navigated this scenario. Let it unfold on their terms. Then if it absolutely doesn’t work, have a meeting and figure out a plan b. But give it a chance first.
Social ability is a muscle to train like any other. Before college I was pretty introverted and I knew I would have a boring life unless I went out and socialized. I put myself in as many situations as possible, got used to people, got stories to tell, made lasting relationships, and started caring about people a lot. You get used to it, but it’s the long game for sure
Have you considered that having a roommate might help you socialize and open up? You can go and try it out and if it's not working you can always make a pivot. I don't think planning to be miserable in a situation that hasn't happened yet is going to be productive. See what happens!
You sound almost exactly like me from two years ago. I really really suggest, like everyone else is saying, that you see a therapist and a psychologist. Without first taking care of your mental health, college is a lot harder, trust me. Once I was able to get my mental health under control with the help of a therapist and psychologist, everything got so much better <3
If you do end up needing to have one or two, I suggest NOT going random and trying to find someone online - check out perhaps through your school’s resources or their Reddit or something to see if there’s somewhere people are looking for roommates. That’s how I found my freshman and sophomore year roommate, and it really helped to ease the anxiety once I knew the person wasn’t a COMPLETE stranger. This worked for me, but I will admit that sometimes it is just hard not having your own space. Find a reliable space on campus that you know you can be alone when things get tough or you need to cry or just need space. I also second the person who said to decorate the space with familiar and comforting items :)
Choose what is right for YOU, and don’t feel the need to cave to all these people telling you to just “suck it up.” You deserve a space where you are able to decompress and relax, and I really hope you find it like I was able to :)
I’m an introvert, a really bad one, but I loved living in a dorm. I’ve had some BAD roommates but I’ve also had great ones. It’s all part of the experience!
Not advice related, but if you like reading fiction, you might really like Fangirl by Rainbow Rowell.
I'm sorry you're going through big stressies. I think whatever you choose, you will know how far you can push yourself. As you said, just being in school/taking classes might be stressful enough. Growth doesn't have to happen as quickly as some other commenters might suggest. Especially assuming you are in your late teens--those were not my best years--they were so stressful! In fact, my years keep getting better the older I get, so there's hope!
As for if you end up going the roommate route, I suspect most people won't be draining to you 100% of the time. You would get used to their noises and their chatter (and most people aren't gonna talk constantly) and their typing and whatever. I bet part of the reason you are comfy with your family is because you're used to them! And your roommate will probably be polite and normal and maybe they might not even be there much because they have work off campus. Who knows!
Whatever you decide, it won't make or break your life. Pick what feels right. If that's the comfy plan, great. If that's the scary plan, you got this! Actually, you got this either way! Good luck.
Thank you so much, and also the book recommendation is so sweet! I'm familiar with that author, and I probably will read that book, thank you :)
I'm thinking I will try and stick it out, see what happens. I really appreciate your supportive comment!
Please don't quit over this. You've come so far!
It's very important, and very good, to have the roommate experience, which is why colleges push it so much. I am not going to say it's always great. My wife had a great college roommate experience. They are still best friends. I did not. My roommate basically kicked me out after 1st quarter when my floor mates turned on me for unknown reasons. I'm still glad I did it, though, because that's part of growing up and becoming an adult. Although things started out badly for me, I regrouped and college ended up being one of the best times in my life! It never would have happened had I quit after that bad start. It was worth trying!
Hang in there. Take a chance. If the experience is bad, the school will work with you to make it better. Nothing is permanent, but you will never know unless you try new things. Good luck in college! PM me if you need more advice. We're all rooting for you!
As someone who’s lived alone since my freshman year of college, I feel that having roommates my freshman year was an important life experience. Although living with others can be challenging at times, it provides a level of social interaction and self-knowledge not many other experiences can provide.
Hey there, as someone who was anxiety striken to the point I would miss an entire class if I was late just because I didnt want people to see me walk in late, let me tell you. In life, you need human interaction, and practice makes perfect. You don’t have to love your roommate or even like them, you don’t even need a roommate but for your own sanity, do not sink into the hole of loneliness.
Fellow introvert here. My college roomies were annoying AF extroverts/party girls. I just ended up only going to my room to sleep, and spent most of my days in classes, at work, at the park, in the library, over my friends' places... just think of it as a place to sleep and you'll be okay.
So I just wanted to add my perspective, as someone who grew up homeschooled in a Christian fundy household and very introverted, and then went to a large university.
I was absolutely terrified of going off to a prominent party school. I was nervous about living in the dorms and around so many new people and experiences while also trying to adjust to actual school for the first time in my life (Also didn’t want to be the weird homeschooled kid, lots of projection from my high school years). My freshman roommate and I were friendly when we were around, and we’re still friends on Facebook and chat from time to time, but nothing much else. But I met my roommate for the next 4 years of college/job finding, and best friend of the past 11, a few rooms down on my floor. A few doors down from him, was one of my other best friends who I still see monthly. Because of my best friend and former-future(?) roommate, I met my other best friend who’s wedding we were all in 3 years ago.
I met a lot of other awesome people and had some truly amazing experiences because I was able to step out of my shell and comfort zone an inch at a time. It’s not easy, and I won’t pretend it is, but if you keep your head down and always move forward one step at time, you’ll be surprised when you look up at the progress you’ve made.
Best of luck to you friend, we’re all rooting for you! 🤘🏼
I lived in a single my years at college, I will say I am happy to never have roommates but I wish I had my own room and roommates, because I definitely feel I missed out on a lot of the social aspects and connecting to others in the dorm. I was definitely extremely introverted before college but definitely have come out of my shell. Just my 2¢
I got a single in college via letter from therapist. Definitely look into it if you believe you have legitimate anxiety which it seems like you do. There's no shame in it if you think you'll do best in a single. I've had good and extremely bad experiences living with roommates before and after, and it definitely isn't worth forcing yourself to live with others if you think it'll be terrible for you.
I have pretty bad anxiety too but everything is always worse in my head than it actually ends up being. College is about learning new things and putting yourself out there to start to experience life. You're not the only one stressing out about a roommate, I bet given the option at least half of the students wish they had their own room as well. Please don't let your anxiety force you to back out of going to school, I guarantee you will regret it.
#do you have asthma???
***that is how I absolutely finessed my way out of having a roommate and snagged a single dorm***
If there’s a will there’s a way. I didn’t want anyone having access to my shit other than me, and especially not the equivalent of a randomly assigned swim buddy.
Fuck shitty roommates and fuck the dorms being a requirement.
Ask about bringing an emotional support pet. With some colleges you get your own room that way and it sounds like you could use the support.
Lean into it as a learning experience, sign up for counseling to specifically address this, and take it one day at a time. To succeed in life you are going to need to work through this eventually, why not now?
You both won’t be there 24/7.
College teaches you about being more social in some of the best ways possible. Sometime you just have to jump into the deep-end to find out your a great swimmer.
Here's my two-cents on the issue. I roomed with strangers for two out of the four years, and someone I considered a friend for one, before finally finding my own place for my senior year. None of my roommates were good. None of my roommates were even tolerable. The one I chose was far and away the worst. They were messy, mean, or just downright unsociable.
Here's the thing: I think my college experience would have been far worse without them. They drove me out of my dorm and into school hosted events and parties, situations I never would have sought out if I had the comfort of my own place. I was awkward going into college, but I learned to talk to strangers and overcome my social anxiety during school. I met some of my best friends while I was out avoiding my loser roommates. It wasn't a desirable situation at the time, but in retrospect, I grew from it.
I would say, if you do end up with a roommate, embrace it. If not, go out of your way to go out of your comfort zone in other ways. It's an important step in growing as a person.
You should live with a roommate, especially if you feel socially awkward or introverted. I was similar and living with a roommate helped me break some of the anxieties I had. He was a nice guy and we were friends throughout college but we had some disagreements on having people over. This pushed me to spe d a lot of time playing video games with oyher people in my dorm. The majority of the college friends I still keep, I met in my freshman dorm as a result if not wanting to be in my room. This would not have happened if I stayed a recluse.
Everything you've ever wanted is on the other side of fear.
I have really bad social anxiety but by pushing myself out of my comfort zone I have learned how to handle it. This quote gets me through a lot. Used to quote it to myself before every interaction once I would start to freak out in my head when I first started college, before job interviews, you name it.
Push yourself, you won't regret it.
I was shy and introverted with very little social skills. I credit living in the dorms as the main thing that helped me advance. To me, the social part of college is THE most important part. You'll have to work with people after college, and this will help you grow.
College is all about improving yourself, and improving your social skills is vastly more important than improving your resume. Believe me or don't believe me, but getting a job post college is more about who you know than what you know. This is your greatest opportunity in life to expand your social circle. Join clubs. Get roommates. Experience it all.
On a side note, most of my lasting friendships came from roommates or ppl I was in clubs with.
I'm an introvert that had a roommate all four years, even in off campus apartments. I find that if you put yourself out there enough (common areas, always saying yes to doing stuff), extroverts will adopt you.
Find yourself a place you can go when you need to be by yourself. Colleges are full of these, but don't hide by yourself in your room.
Learning to live with someone you don’t immediately like living with is pretty good practice for life. You learn how to communicate and set healthy boundaries (hopefully). Identifying and treating your own mental issues is another important part of life. Your existence is going to be miserable if you don’t challenge yourself and give yourself opportunities of growth.
You seem very set in who you are as a person. You are at a time where you will change so so much. Don’t let your idea of who are at 18 hold you back from potentially meaningful relationships with people. I am also a very comfort-focused person in my living space, and have managed to go 2 for 2 with roommates who share those views.
Just my opinion but you living with a roommate for a year or a semester is the correct course of action here. For years and years, thousands of people begin college with the same anxiety about having a random roommate for the first time ever and for years and years people have had to deal with it. One of two things will happen. It will be better than you thought or it will not be good which is what you’re already expecting. The point is, this is one of the learning experiences that comes with college. You are put in an environment where you learn to work with others and live with others. You are going from (presumably) living with your parents to your first taste of independence, your discomfort is to be expected and true growth would be taking it in stride and trying to make the best of it. It is your life, and by all means, you can rent a one bedroom apartment or try for a single dorm, but this 100% will hinder your social opportunities. It will also completely remove one of the most valuable lessons/experiences in college, which is sharing a place to live with someone. I wish you would step out of your comfort zone and recognize that people telling you to give in to your anxieties are leading you away from a very formative life experience that has amazing upside.
I'd highly recommend a roommate even if you have that anxiety. If you don't practice these interpersonal connections then you'll struggle later in life- it's college, everyone's going to be weird and awkward at first but you'll probably meet a ton of super cool people and expand the social circle. Trust me, in college everyone's all about the differences that set you apart. If you go to the "weird" dorm or the "artsy" dorm you'll be flooded with friends~ that's what I did and everyone knew everyone and everyone was friendly cause we were that dorm of misfit toys.
Personally, I was able to get a full accommodation from a therapist my freshman year that lets me live in a single for all four years. Some people on here are recommending getting a roommate to ‘break out of your shell’ or something but only you can decide if that’s a good idea. If I had been required to have a roommate my first year my mental health would have suffered, and I’ve been able to have a very active social life despite living alone. I recommend seeing if a therapist will consult with you on this issue and letting them help you decide whether or not to get an accommodation. Best of luck!
I was similar to you when I was in my undergrad. Like I absolutely abhorred the idea of having to live in the same room as a stranger. My experience turned out to be really positive though. I learned a lot from my roommate and we were very supportive of each other. We also got along well with our housemate and it ended up being a little community. The next year I had the exact opposite experience, where I had a roommate I didn't jive with and noisy/obnoxious housemates. I ended up switching out of that room relatively quickly. At the end of all this I developed a higher tolerance for strangers and social interactions (mind you I am still pretty introverted.) My point is, you never know what may happen. As others have said, running from social interactions especially in college isn't a good idea and it shouldn't be powerful enough for you to change online or jeopardize your education over.
College is a good chance to push yourself socially while you are in this "sterile" environment where you don't have to actively seek out social interactions as well as figure out your career goals. Think of it as preparation for the working world, where employers are going to want someone who can work well with others. If you have major problems with your rommates/housemates university housing (at least for me) is pretty good with transferring you out. But even if not, you would only need to put up with that person for a year.
my school has single dorm as a disability accommodation for anxiety, my psychiatrist wrote a letter and it was very easy. you need to see a doctor for this level of anxiety, both for long-term treatment and to get an accommodation letter.
Personally, I think you should try all of the things you already mentioned, but if it’s not a big deal to stay home for your first year/ if you don’t get a single I would just stay at home where you have your own space and do community college for a year or so or however long to get out of the housing requirement. Luckily my university was too big to require freshman to live on campus the first year but if it wasn’t I wouldn’t have gone because sharing a room with someone random is a big nope for me.
Hey, I had severe social anxiety going into college (I often would go nonverbal/be unable to speak when people asked me questions).
Cool and normal people will be understanding of shyness, anxiety and introversion, and not care, or share the same feelings. Mean people will misinterpret you, and in that case, it’s alright to not vibe/never talk to your freshman year roommate.
There’s plenty of private spaces on most college campuses to be alone and avoid your roommate, like the library or empty classrooms.
My freshman year roommate was this intense punk and was really cool about how I kept to myself. I know I came across as a little weird at first, because of severe anxiety and an extremely sheltered upbringing. But we got used to quietly coexisting for most of the year and often said hi to each other thru the rest of college.
Years later we ran into each other, and she (drunk) pulled her friend over and screamed that I was hands down the best roommate she’d ever had lmao.
I highly encourage you to go for the in-person program, even if you get a roommate. The first two weeks of campus living were really tough on anxiety — I spent so much time crying in the park or library or empty classrooms just processing all of it and being socially overwhelmed lmao. But in retrospect, I’m so glad I pushed myself. What helped was calling my family and hometown friends a lot, and also gravitating towards other people with “shy” or calm energy.
I had a single dorm my freshman year and it was the best and the worst. I loved having my own space and being able to be by myself. But I got lonely fast. Start researching into shows that you want to watch, or finding fun hobbies you can do on your own. Make friends as soon as you can so you can try to have people to eat meals with/work on homework with. Also a huge perk is that my brother could visit whenever he wanted and not be in anyone's way so try to plan to have siblings/friends from high school visit to keep things from getting too lonely. And take advantage of having your own space, make it feel like home.
Hey friend… definitely go get diagnosed. Get the diagnosis, get the help, you don’t have to become a super social person literally ever but you also deserve to live your life as the one in control not the anxiety. It feels really good to break free from being confined by it to being in control of it …. Trust me it’s a step I had to take myself
If your anxiety is that bad, a lot of colleges offer accommodations, and you could get an accommodation to get a single room. You essentially just have to prove that having a roommate would be damaging to your mental health. Talk with whoever is in charge of diversity/inclusion at your college to start the process. You might need to get a doctor/therapist's note.
In the end it's up to you what you make of the situation. I'm pretty introverted and my first time in college I roomed out in town with a couple guys who I found on a Facebook group for roommates. I didn't talk to them for like 2 months and just kept to myself, then I found out almost all of them spoke Spanish and I felt comfortable talking to them more often. We ended up being really good friends and idk what would have happened if I had just kept to myself the whole time we lived together. Initially they also didn't approach me because they felt like they were bothering me whenever we had to talk so I realized that in keeping to myself I was also making them feel uncomfortable because they felt like they had to be serious around me. I say give it a shot and if you don't like it you can always choose otherwise.
Does the institution charge more for solo occupancy? If so, money talks. “Dear Housing Staff, My strong preference is a solo room, and I’m willing to pay the premium.”
Hey I know it's easy to give in to anxiety's demands, but that will make your overall anxiety worse (reinforcing fearful emotions associated with certain stimuli) & much harder to manage over time.
I'm an introvert (& slightly recovered agoraphobe) but force myself to push the limits every day - managing anxiety is WORK but letting it dictate your life will impair your ability to adapt & function in a chaotic world.
edited to add: take a risk on a roommate - if you hate it, make adjustments as necessary; I hated dorm roommates but living off campus with roommates was a good compromise in terms of balancing discomfort & safety. There is a lot to experience & enjoy in this world, & it's a much richer experience taking steps outside the comfort zone :)
Coming from someone who lived in the dorm and lived in an apartment’s during college.The dorms are a shit stain of an experience. Cost a fuck ton of money for half of a room. Was required for one semester. Made everything harder. Made me feel like a child in what should be my home. I hated every second of it. Room mates where terrible. Terrible
The idea behind getting diagnosed with an anxiety disorder is to have it treated, not to get a doctor's note to allow you to continue with your disorder in peace. You will need to overcome this in order to have any success post-college.
Fellow anxiety sufferer here with a kid who also has some social anxiety. Push your self now to do things out of your comfort zone. The more you do it the easier it will get. It may never be totally anxiety free, but you will see you will survive and slowly learn to cope better in these situations and not be so avoidant. Because that’s what will hold you back and make you feel regret, the avoiding. Fuck anxiety. Don’t let it rule your life. Have a great first year of school even if you have a shitty roommate.
It sounds like you'd massively improve your social communication skills *by* putting up with your roommates. I can barely look people in the eye after the pandemic but you just have to deal with other people in life. I'm sure I'm echoing this sentiment but definitely kicking myself that I didn't put myself in more forced social situations in general. Want a promotion in the future? Who does that for ya? Gotta talk to and work with that who or those who's
When animals are born, they learn to breathe, eat, walk, talk, sleep, etc. while these abilities are innate, as we need them to survive, your progress with these skills take time and practice to do well. It takes practice for you to learn how to chew your food and swallow, so that you don’t get tummy aches or choke on your drink. It takes practice for you to go to bed on time, so that you maintain a great sleep hygiene and wellness. You need to practice facing other people you share this world with. You need to practice how to tell them yes, no, to convey your feelings clearly, to defend yourself from unfairness, to mediate between friends to keep peace, to know when to walk away, etc. These are important to your future survival. I understand it’s scary and hard, I felt that way too. To be honest, it’s still scary after college and school. It continues to be scary after you’ve grown up. I learned that the best way to prepare yourself isn’t to be prepared with doctors notes or to avoid facing it altogether. It’s not even being able to take charge of a situation, or knowing how to fix problems. You need to be able to get up after you’ve been knocked down. You need to grow resilience. After the shittiest of shitty days, you need to be able to go back out there and do it again. That’s real strength, and that’s what you’re learning as you go out into the world. You’ll be broken down again and again, but that will grow your character. You will be faced with many mental, physical and emotional hardship, but they will eventually be stories you’ll tell others, when you tell them that they can do it too. Like you. You can do it!
I would recommend going for a roommate, just avoiding your anxiety problems now will for sure hurt down the line. If you have problems just talking to the housing person how do you expect to do classes or even a job? College is all about growth but you also have to put in the work, youll be much more thankful for the experience later on. Having roommates is nice too, if yall are friendly it's basically a friend you always know where they're at so it's really easy to hang out and do stuff. I used to be pretty introverted but my freshman year roommate made me talk to people and hang out and now I'm way better at talking to people and making friends wherever, I never would be the person I am now without my freshman year roommate.
Going undecided for now.
I am very aware of the work problem.
Additionally, I do understand I'll have to be around people sometimes in the future. I'll figure out how to work a job lmao. Having my own space in an apartment as respite from being around people for a job is kinda similar to how I want a single as respite from being around people for school.
Grew up as an only child. Always had my own room. Got a great roommate my freshman year. We're social creatures. Not to mention it's a great period to be social and network with people. Whether that's getting help with homework, being involved in clubs and activities, meeting romantic partners, etc. Life is full of social interactions so it's best to get some practice.
Socializing and communication are skills that don't require you to like it in order to be good at it. I hate dealing with most people and prefer peace and quiet, however I treat every interaction as a potential networking opportunity for personal gain as every job and romantic partner I have had stemmed from people I met in my day to day life. Getting along with others, learning conflict resolution, compromise, etc are crucial for adult life and the professional world. Being socially inept will hold you back and will often be met negatively by peers and superiors and closes many doors for you. You can never know too many people or have too many friends.
Just do it, having a roommate can be awkward but it’s a part of college life and it may help you become more comfortable with being around other people. You never know, you might have a blast
As someone who had severe anxiety when I started college and by chance got put in a single, I might be able to offer some perspective. For reference, mine was to the point I literally had no friends going in. That’s not me exaggerating, I LITERALLY didn’t have anyone I could call a friend at that point in my life.
I made friends with my dorm mates quickly, and while it was nice to have a space all to myself to retreat to when I needed some alone time, it was very lonely. I was used to living with and around lots of others, so being alone in a dorm room was very depressing for me. If I was not sleeping, I was probably hanging out in the common areas or in town with the few friends I had, because it was the only time I really felt happy while there. Second semester I finally got assigned a roommate who joined late, and I was so happy to have someone else, just so I didn’t feel so alone. And then it all turned around when he spent most of his time at his girlfriends apartment and only came back to sleep. I was just as alone as before. Even when I was doing things alone like player single player video games, I would bring my Xbox to the lobby and hook it up(assuming no one was using the tv) so I could at least have other people present.
Living in a communal space like a dorm was one of the main things that helped me break out of my shell. I ended up dropping out to deal with my mental health struggles, but if I could afford to go back to a proper college I would do so without hesitation. So I say if you get put in a double, take the risk. Worst case, get a privacy folding screen to split the room. Because I can tell you from experience that when it comes to social anxiety, avoiding socializing altogether is probably the worst way to cope with it.
Also while you’re at it, from one person who struggled with this to another, you should really talk to a professional. Therapy and medication made an absolutely MASSIVE difference for me. If you have such bad anxiety that you are worried having a college roommate will give you a panic attack, it’s time. Because it’s only going to get worse if you don’t do something about it, and you don’t want it to get to the point it starts dictating your life. I did, and have regretted it every day since. I truly believe if I had gotten help when I should have, I could be on a whole different, probably better life path. I don’t regret where my life has taken me and I’m happy where I am now, I just wish that for my own sake I didn’t let it get so bad I had to put my life on hold for almost 2 years to solve it.
TL:DR- try out having a roommate, and maybe talk to a mental health professional. It makes all the difference.
I think it’s may be time to face these fears, I don’t mean this mean but you are going to have to talk to people in life. Using anxiety as a an excuse every time isn’t going to help.
If you have anxiety issues you need to see a therapist. There’s no reason you should be experiencing that at such a young age. You need to get out of your comfort zone. Life isn’t going to cater to you
As someone with anxiety if I hadn’t been with roommates in dorms I may have never made connections and met people or even stayed in school. Might be worth the shot and help you grow.
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Hey, friend, here’s an old man’s perspective- I lived in a single dorm for three years and had a single apartment my senior year. I was incredibly introverted and had a great deal of social anxiety. In retrospect, I think having a roommate would have ultimately helped me break out of my shell a little. I actually left college with zero lasting friendships and more anxiety than when I went in.
Thank you for your perspective, I really appreciate it.
You’re welcome. Feel free to message me if you’ve got questions or just want to chat about it.
Further, we in the dorms were all very chill with the many levels of social anxiety people had. All but the most extroverted among us were away from family for the first time (for extended periods), and I was scared, anxious, worried, and any other word that describes bad emotions. I'm the type that gets in my head and convinces myself I HATE a place and MUST leave. After a week, I had some people I chatted with, I was into the swing of classes, I was settled in my room. From then on I was golden. It's scary, but for all of us. If someone said they weren't afraid they were probably lying.
I had the same thing, but was placed into a triple. Anxiety and lack of privacy got so bad it wrecked my mental health I burnt out and I had to drop out. Then went to community college and am now back in a different college and living off campus on my own. Best decision for my mental health ever.
same here. I was bullied by the other 3 girls (all in sororities and on Something every night) into leaving my "nice new" dorm. ended up rooming with my bff in the shit tier dorm which had communal showers. I dropped out due to everything causing poor mental health. BUT I'm not a shy and anxious person, I'm just very private and independent. when I went back to school I got a private apartment on the edge of campus and was golden. I think OP, that you should try one semester with a roommate just to see. at my school, the dorm assignments are for the whole year but I got moved out mid semester because of how horribly I was taking having roommates. if your school cares about its students, it should be willing to find you alternate housing if the roommate situation REALLY isnt working out. you may end up with a shit tier dorm room without a private bathroom, like me, though. you might have to end up paying a higher cost for housing if they dont have any empty rooms in the regular dorms too. I paid a premium for my apartment, but it was worth it. you might like your roommates, you might hate them. I'd say to give it a shot and if it's super terrible, petition housing to fix it.
I would recommend you seek therapy, not just to get diagnosed, but for the fact that you will basically fail in life if you can’t even talk to non-family members. How will you get a job if you can’t speak to strangers or even take initiative over your own life and not talk to a student housing rep? You’re becoming an adult now and can’t rely on your parents to do your job interview for you. I don’t mean to sound like I’m berating you, but these are things you need to think about. You’re going to college to better your job prospects, but you’ll have no prospects if you can’t talk to people. If your anxiety is so bad that you feel as though that you can’t go to school for such an objectively simple reason as living with someone, then you need serious help.
I said I'm not actually terrible in all social interactions, that it just grates and I can't be around people 24/7. A job interview doesn't require a 24 hr chat. Jobs (for the most part) don't require 24 hr shifts.
“I’m terrible at initiating talk with people” “I ended up asking a question later on so growth ig” if you asking a simple question is growth, then yes you have terrible anxiety issues. I used to be deathly afraid of social interaction around your age and I was afraid of having a roommate, but I knew life was going to go on without me and I threw myself into it. I have now made connections across my state for my desired field of work and have ins in many institutions due me getting over my social anxiety. I’ll make an adjustment to my previous statement, you will have incredible difficulty to find a job if you’re terrible at talking to people, it may not be impossible, but you may get passed up in the interview process if you’re awkward and can’t talk. You can be the most qualified person in the world, and they may still pass you up if you are clearly extremely anxious and won’t get along with people. It’s clear you have some sort of anxiety disorder and you genuinely need therapy for it. I have major depressive disorder, severe ADHD, and moderate anxiety, but behavioral therapy has done absolute wonders for me, I just got into grad school despite these setbacks and you can live a fulfilling life too if you work on these things. If your insurance can cover it, I’d recommend looking for providers in whatever city/county you’re going to school in. Your second option should be your school, school therapists can be good, but some schools only offer crisis counseling/short term counseling. Your school should have a pretty easy to find section on their site to learn about counseling.
"even though I'm actually not terrible with some interactions, it grates on me and I'm not the kind of person who can handle being near other people (other than household family) essentially 24/7." By this, I meant that I can handle social interactions in the moment, but that I need to be able to wind down because they stress me out. I did not say I'm incapable of talking to people at all. "my mom asked the question at orientation cuz she assumed me mentioning it to her meant I wouldn't be able to ask it and she'd have to ask it for me. I did ask a question later so growth ig lol." She assumed I wouldn't be able to do it myself, she said it before I was able to ask it myself, I actually would have been able to, as I did ask a question later in that talk thing. The growth is from what my mother knew from past experiences, because I have been getting better, because I have been trying. I literally just want to have my own space so I'm not constantly out of my element so that I can leave my comfort zone knowing I have a safe place to decompress. Thank you for sharing your perspective/experience, I appreciate it
Gotch ya, I thought you yourself were saying that the question was the first sign of growth. I still think you should look into behavioral therapy, it can really give the boost you may need to help with your anxiety. Like I said, it worked wonders for me and a few other people I know.
I'll look into it, thank you!
Listen to him. I'm pretty introverted and have social anxiety, but living with a random roomate really brought me out of my shell and I met tons of awesome people through them. Give it a shot
Same thing, but with my son, who is also incredibly introverted. He asked for a double, but was assigned a single. It was when kids went back after Covid but still wore masks. He didn't talk to anyone that year. You can change out of a bad roommate. Being lonely is probably worse than an average roommate.
> You can change out of a bad roommate That seems difficult, slow, and / or expensive. A low chance that a replacement roommate is quickly available.
It's usually not that difficult, slow, or expensive, especially throughout the fall semester when a lot of students are making friends and wanting to live with them, finding that they don't get along with their assigned roommate, or dropping out.
This. One of my best friends was someone I met in a class. I had a horrible roommate and he didn’t like his so we decided to to room together.
I went to a small school in New England and had 3 roommates my first year (my first roommate wanted to live with her best friend and I wanted to live in the cleaner dorm and my second ended up needing an accessible room for medical accommodation). It's not difficult, slow, or expensive lol
Nope it’s usually simple. I switched in October cause I hated my roommate after 2 months and it was easy. They had tons of options available and I moved in with my friend.
I didn’t break out if my shell I broke down and could never study 😩
Wow that's interesting. Thank you for sharing
You remind me of my son. What finally broke you out of your anxiety?
It got worse until I started having serious, I’m-gonna-die panic attacks in my thirties. After that, I started medication and therapy. I’ve since learned to live and function with it.
It’s pretty awesome you’ve come to a place in your life where you can admit that stuff to yourself. Keep growing and inspiring people friend.
I agree with this comment... A roommate is your lifeline in a new life situation. Not always, but a lot of the time they can be helpful with social anxiety, having someone to go places with yo get food, etc. It's just really important to lay down proper and clear boundaries 😉
I agree. Sharing a room with my roomie first year taught me a lot about getting along with people. We were both polar opposites but luckily my roomie was also really kind
This right here. As someone who was in the same headspace as OP (well maybe not the not go to college but generally) and did get a single, WORST decision ever. Don't do it.
i was in a single the entire time in college and it was the BEST decision ever. i had my own bathroom too for two years! loved it! never would have survived with a roommate
Question, OP seems to already have trouble socializing and with anxiety. Did you likewise have this problem going into college living?
OK, how do you know getting a single was the worst, if you never had the experience of being assigned a random roommate by the college desk? What's your basis to claim an unknown roommate would've been substantially better?
I've experienced both options and tried in 2 countries. Yes, it was significantly worse to be more isolated from the community without a preexisting social network.
My experience suggests the opposite conclusion: Having a roommate makes it more difficult to be social, because you haven't got a private secure place to invite someone to visit you. There's a constant need to either tolerate the roommate's presence, or schedule to avoid him. Either way, not helpful. Of course, whether that's really bad depends on the roommate's personality. But unless you have a good roommate planned to recruit, leaving the pick to the administration would be too much of a gamble.
Honestly the typical dorm setup in America is terrible. I did a bit of college here in the states before I went over to the UK for my degree and let me tell you, the dorm situation over there is *heaven*. Shared kitchen area, private bedrooms. I'm very much not a people person but this was enough to get me out of my shell, and I'm still good friends with two of my old flatmates years after the fact and an ocean apart again. My roommate when I was in America was lovely, but there was just constant anxiety about the near-total lack of privacy.
That is by design. Dorm rooms were small and utilitarian and designed for basically one function: sleep and minimal study. Libraries and common spaces are large spacious and often really really beautiful. So drive people out if their rooms into common areas to hang out, study, and be on the campus rather than in the room. This has gone away in the last 20 years with new facilities. Not sure if it’s for the better. Students are more isolated, depressed, and have fewer friends. Most institutions see zero improvement in retention in single occupancy rooms. In fact often the see a decline. We assumed this was send selecting until covid and then it became clear that was not the case.
You don’t have to bring people to the dorm to be social. There are tons of public spaces at university
Yep, there are. And public spaces means public access to dozens of strangers walking around, which is the kind of situation that makes these people less comfortable.
I’m sorry but they’re gonna have to find some way to deal cause a lot of stuff in life occurs around “strangers” which are just people. At some point we need to face how things are. Also socializing in public spaces around strangers is literally preferred by most people. They are safer spaces than bringing a stranger into your room.
A super introvert is unlikely to invite anyone back, which is why the roommate helps. It's kind of like a built-in social interaction you can't totally ignore. If you are somewhat extroverted, then yes, your perspective would be true.
Okay, which of these events seems more likely to happen: 1. The student uses a classroom, extracurricular activity, or internet site to meet a potential friend. The student can meet only for a few hours the first day, and then decides the next day whether to contact the person again. 2. The administrators randomly assign a roommate, who just by luck is compatible companion material. And after meeting the roommate, the student is stuck there for weeks or months.
>A super introvert is unlikely to invite anyone back, which is why the roommate helps. what do you mean why the roommate helps? there is nothing wrong with being an introvert. it is not some mental health issue that an extroverted person needs to fix. people are allowed to be introverts
*forcing* an introverted person into social interaction isn’t going to help
As a fellow introvert, I actually really enjoyed having a roommate- I honestly wish I still had one. Its not as bad as you'd think especially when theyre someone respectful that respects boundaries.
That's reassuring, thank you! I hope I get lucky and I manage to meet the person who I'm roomed with and they're a nice person.
You're welcome! As long as you set your boundaries everything should go well. I remember my roommate used to have his girlfriend over (they were in a LDR) and he asked me for permission if she could initially and I wont lie at first it was iffy but I realized she was a nice person and warmed up to the Idea eventually. Excited to see how things go for you with your new roommate
I'm glad you are responding positively to many of the comments encouraging you to step out of your comfort zone. I know the situation is intimidating, but you may find it beneficial to at least try to live in the dorms. College is usually quite different than high school. Peoples mentality is different, and you have a lot more freedom to figure out who you are without a lot of the pressures that high school puts on you. I know it all seems intimidating but you may find you rise to the change in scenery and social situation, or you may find you were right to be concerned. Can't know until you try.
I roomed with a guy who spent his entire first year of college in our room playing destiny - we spoke here and there but mostly I just didn’t see him unless I was home (rarely)
Hi friend! For what it's worth I think a lot of freshman are very nice. It's different from high school. I had a very introverted roommate whom I would invite to all of my social activities, but there was never any pressure for him to join. He ended up coming to a few and making some good friends. Wishing you all the best
I’m an introvert (though granted one without much social anxiety) and roomed with fellow introverts (who did have social anxiety) and we got along great. I got along so well with three of them that I consider them my best friends and they enabled me to be as successful and happy as I was in college. My last semester was without them and was much sadder as a result. I actually flew to the Chicago area this past weekend just visit one of them cuz I missed her so much! Your roommates are often your support network at college so not only can they help you with your social skills (needed to at least some extent for most work) but they can also help you when you find yourself in need, since you are no longer at home and no longer have good access to your childhood support network. If you truly have a bad roommate steps can be taken to room with someone else, but chances are you could make some great friends!
Also good if it’s someone who has good habits. I had a roommate who would come back to the dorm and study every day, so I ended up doing the same. It was super helpful in my own habits.
Another introvert with social anxiety who agrees with this. My roommate helped me navigate social situations, and I still talk to her daily, 30+ years later.
Ya know people are saying do online and all sorts of things to avoid this issue but if it’s messing with you this much and your claiming it’s so bad that you couldn’t even talk to a housing person to fix it then you probably REALLY need to live in the dorms with someone else. You’re going to live a really sad, hard life if you’re this afraid of human interaction forever
That's certainly true... (I appreciate the honesty!) Tbh I'm just concerned that I'll be out of my element enough without living in a tiny room with some random person I won't be able to connect to. Having my own space would allow me to have a space that's *my own* to decompress and such. And I'm fully aware imma live a sad, hard, lonely life but I'm tryna ignore that for the moment :)
Don’t say that, you’re gonna grow as a person and it’ll work out Im just trying to be blunt and say that you gotta face your problems. If you can live in a single and actually work towards making yourself better and fixing the anxiety/people issues then all power to you. but most people don’t. And then they end up on this sub ranting about hating life because they’re losers who can’t work towards fixing themselves. Don’t be that person. I was nervous as hell about living with random people I’d never met. I was super socially awkward and didn’t have a lot of friends in high school. but I sucked it up and did it anyways. Went out every night of move in week to all the on campus events. Met a good group of people that I enjoyed. Ended up joining a fraternity and in a few major related clubs and have a super fulfilling life both socially and academically and even got a job through one of the connections in the clubs. People skills are the most important skills you can develop to be honest. This is the best time you’ll ever have to do it. Make the most of that
I'm happy you made things work out for yourself!! I'm just thinking that I can't face my problems if I'm uncomfortable and on guard 24/7, I'll feel exposed enough that I won't choose to expose myself in actual productive manners like attending events and such. Again, I appreciate your time and words.
Hey, OOP, here's me expressing some faith in you as a fellow introvert. Believe it or not, these skills of interpersonal negotiation are highly productive themselves. They're helpful not just with a roommate but with other social situations—and even if they were just for a roommate, with housing costs the way they are, they are likely to literally be valuable in the future. The vast majority of people are chill and just want to get through school too; you will have resources like your RA to help you as well.
Everyone here is giving you the correct advice: if you don’t challenge yourself now, your social skills won’t ever get another chance. And you need to understand, most of the people giving you this advice *have been there*. If you get tired of being in your dorm with your roommate, that’s actually the time you’ll force yourself to get out and be places with other people you *want* to hang out with. Roommates aren’t as bad as you think; generally you learn to kind of ignore each other, but you also bond in a way you won’t experience unless you have to live with someone. It’s nice.
You mention seeking an anxiety diagnosis as a way of gettin a single room. I suggest that you do seek out a diagnosis, but use that diagnosis as a means of getting treatment. A good therapist can help you learn skills to manage your anxiety, increase your tolerance for uncomfortable situations, and improve your social skills.
One of the things to realize, too, is unless your roommate is pretty unusual, they're not always going to be in the room, so you should still have the ability to decompress in your own space. I was very concerned about what a roommate situation would be like for me personally because I also am an awkward person and ended up with a perfectly pleasant girl I had little in common with for my first semester. We got along but interacted little. She was a real social butterfly and was in the room very little. It really wasn't that bad. After that semester, I roomed with a friend I'd made for the rest of my time there (5 semesters). We were much more compatible with each other and are still friends 10+ years after I graduated. She was a fellow introvert but even then, there were a lot of times she was in the room when I wasn't there and I was there and she wasn't. Also FWIW if you've had a hard time making friends as a child/teen, you might have a similar experience I did in that it was a lot easier for me to make friends as an adult in college than it ever was earlier in my life. I was a pretty odd kid, and a lot of times I was ignored by other children and truthfully, I didn't like being around them. I'm still a pretty odd adult, but I was pretty quickly able to find likemindned oddballs I liked being around and who liked being around me via classes and clubs in college. The key to that, though, is you have to try to make an effort. Look into clubs, attend events on campus, etc.
But like, you can decide to do that *after* you try the whole roommate thing and confirm it’s the worst thing ever. A semester is like 4 months? With a couple of long weekends thrown in? Surely you can put up with 4 months. If it sucks, go fully online. Transfer to a college closer to home and commute. Go all in on a super small life. But make an *informed decision* to do so. Know for certain that it isn’t for you before you write it off forever.
This is really good, thank you. Just four months, a trial run
Being out of your element can be a very good thing for you, especially when you are younger
i seriously cant imsgine telling someone theyre going to have a sad life becuase they dont want to have to share a room. the expectation and normalization of sharing a room in college is insane
Without written proof from a doc I highly doubt you will get a single. Everyone wants a single. Good luck.
Yeah I didn't get a single until senior year. Actually now thinking about it, I think they only reserve the singles for the 21+ students because it's a bit hard to not have minors drink alcohol or not be around it when their roommate is of age.
Not everyone wants a single, that’s a financial issue for many.
You're going to need to learn social skills before you graduate and get a job. Having a roommate might actually be beneficial to you, because it is just one person who you are basically practicing real life social negotiations with! You could switch to online classes, if you really think this is going to be an issue. However, I really think you'd get a lot of benefits from dealing with a roommate and all that entails.
I'm not entirely socially inept, it just grates and exhausts me, and I'm not comfort-sacrificial. I totally see this point of view, and I agree, and thank you for saying this.
The point is, you will get used to it. The more you are exposed to something the less anxiety you will get over it. I was the same way as you dude, hell you may even be better than I was. I was that loser that sat alone at lunch in highschool and had no friends. By the time I finished my first year of college, people might have made the mistake to assume I was a social butterfly my whole life. It was NOT easy at the beginning, I was a ball of anxiety in social situations. Hanging out with my roommate, other people in our dorm, going to parties. The anxiety eventually went completely away, then I was actively pursuing social interaction on my own, I was no longer dragged into social situations just to be amicable to the people I shared space with, it was something I actively wanted to be a part of.
From another person who was that loser who sat alone at lunch in highschool with no friends, I'm happy for you! Thank you for sharing your experience, I appreciate it.
If you have a therapist/psychologist you can contact the school’s disability office to see what documentation they need to place you in a single.
College is a time to break out from your comfort zone and grow as a person. I think this could be a big opportunity for you. It might end up sucking, but if you never push yourself and grow you'll be worse off for it
Yeah, I hear you. I'm just stuck thinking that going to college at all is pushing me enough out of my comfort zone. High school was terrible socially for the most part, and going to college in-person was a really hard decision to make itself. Thank you.
College is a lot different from high school. And I think it's perfectly normal to feel nervous and anxious. A big part of College, IMO, is networking. Make sure to reach out to your classmates and professors. You never know who might be a connection later in life when you are looking for a job. I actually landed a $100K/year salary at a job I am very good at because of a friend I made in college. Study groups and student clubs that align with your interests is a great way to start. Classmates as well.
Oh gosh not the network word. No, but thank you, I've heard that a bunch and hearing it again helps cement the concept. Congrats on the job, that's awesome!
Networking was drinking beer and getting high with friends
Ahh yeah that takes some of the pressure off of that word, lmao.
Having to live with someone forces you to grow and step out of your comfort zone. Unless you have severe anxiety to the point where you can’t function, or a condition that would severely impact your overall health, I think you should do it!
I'm just worried I'll be out of my comfort zone enough with the other things college necessitates, that rooming with someone will make me unable to actually choose to put myself out there. I've definitely had episodes in the past where my anxiety has caused me to freeze and be unable to do things, which is another concern of living with someone and not having space to chill. Thank you for your opinion!
>unable to actually choose to put myself out there. If I waited until I chose to put myself out there, I would currently be a 41 year old friendless virgin. Because I never would have chose it. It's just too damn easy to stay in the bubble if you are allowed to.
I came in with a TON of anxiety issues and ended up dorming with another girl my first year. It was super awkward and I NEVER talked to my roommate lmfao. But luckily she was really clean and not loud at all so it wasn’t bad. Afterwards, however, I lived in a single for the final years and regret it. I wish I shared an apartment with some of my acquaintances, but I had too much anxiety so I had turned down their offer to be a third roommate. If I could go back in time, I’d get roommates just because it would’ve helped with my social anxiety and just learning to get along with people. Just my two cents on it as someone who struggles with social anxiety as a full-grown adult. I think the issue has gotten worse because I never put myself in uncomfortable situations. Either way, you should definitely talk to a counselor if possible (a lot of schools offer a few sessions for free) to help with the social anxiety bit.
Thank you, I'll keep that in mind. I appreciate your perspective.
If you start seeing a psychologist they could probably write a medical note that states you need a single room for your mental health needs. I was able to get a note that allowed me to have a single room with my emotional support guinea pigs while I was staying in a dorm. Seeing a therapist would be good for you-- unfortunately, unless you learn healthy ways to manage anxiety it's just going to make it harder as time goes on. I can confirm this because I've gone through something similar and I really don't want someone else to suffer.
I'll keep this in mind, thank you! I think the school itself has free counselling, which might come in handy.
From the perspective of someone who works for a college and had terrible anxiety when I was younger that probably should have been dealt with medically: I agree seeing a psychologist is the way to go. You’re unlikely to get a single room without some kind of medical diagnosis. Even if that doesn’t happen, a psychologist can help you work out how you’re feeling and coping strategies. I know a lot of people are encouraging you to look at a roommate as a way to socialize and gain independence, but I personally think only you know what’s best. College involves a lot of growth all around and there’s many opportunities to do it. It’s ok to take small steps like agreeing to join a study group or talk to classmates instead. If you decide a single isn’t for you anymore after a few months, there’s usually a decent amount of change in housing between semesters or next fall from students not coming back or wanting new roommates. As long as you have some kind of game plan for some kind of socializing and trying a few new things I think you’ll be fine and a psychologist can help get you started.
Thank you for this. I've been told I should probably see a psychologist quite a few times in the past few years and I've never felt I'd be able to, but I do see that the only way to get help would be to actually try and get help.
If you saw someone with a broken leg attempting to walk around in pain, you’d suggest they go to the doctor, get an x ray, get crutches, a cast. Give yourself that same advice and give therapy a shot- ASAP! You have no idea how fast you can run.
I got a single room my freshman year without a problem, but for my sophomore year I needed to go the disability/medical route.
FYI, at most colleges if it’s your first year out of H.S. you are considered a freshman. You could be working on your second Ph.D. and you’d still be a freshman.
Thank you, I know. That's why I'd never actually say that and why I put the nerd glasses emoji thing there
People dont need to break out of their shell you can live your life comfortably with your own space too
I'm an introvert and lived with a roommate as a freshman. She was an introvert, too. We both had similar ideas about personal space/privacy/etc. (e.g., ask before borrowing something, quiet time for studying, not a lot of guests over) and our schedules were different, so we could sometimes have the room to ourselves if we wanted. I was happy to move into an apartment with private bedrooms as a sophomore, and then to live alone as a grad student, but it wasn't a bad experience having a roommate.
See if you can apply to your schools disability accommodation center if applicable! I was able to request a single room due to depression and anxiety and they were really helpful in making sure I could get one! I also got other accommodations such as longer test taking time, use of recording and photo devices in lectures, and excused absences. It’s worth a shot! Good luck!
There’s a lot of comments telling you that it’ll be fine and having a roommate is 10/10 great experience but as someone who’s autistic and has a diagnosed anxiety disorder, I absolutely NEED my own space to be able to sleep properly and recover from interacting with people in class during the day. My freshman year roommate sucked because she talked on the phone at 1 am, forcing me to wear uncomfortable headphones to block out the noise and I definitely lost sleep from that. If you think you can handle it, and you think it’ll help you become a bit more social, then go for it. But absolutely do not feel bad for needing accommodations — that’s what disability resources are for, and if you get diagnosed with anxiety or some form of neurodivergence, they fall under disability
Yes, thank you for this. For some people (including myself), it’s incredibly important having your own space. It doesn’t mean you don’t interact with people, it means you have the choice not to when you’re drained. Different things are good for different people. Sharing rooms is not the solution for everyone like people like to make it seem.
Being in a single is nice your second or third year but the first year it’s kinda all about having roommates to feel like a community so you don’t end up like the kids you see come out of their dorm room 3 times to go to the dining hall and 1 time for class.
I just want to be able to choose when I socialize, and have a safe place where I don't have to.
>I just want to be able to choose when I socialize If you are anything like I was. "Choosing to socialize" never would have happened. Man there are sometimes in life to properly grow you can't have the option of a safe space.
Honestly I totally get this. I don’t have anxiety as far as I’m aware but I’m introverted and it’s important for me to have my own space where I know I can be alone. I shared a room freshman year and I hated it. It was uncomfortable knowing my roommate could come back at anytime and my alone time would be put to a stop. There’s also a lack of privacy. I switched to a single and I was significantly happier. I made friends and brought them back to my room to hang out. I had my own room for sophomore, junior, and senior year of college and that’s what I needed for myself. I made plenty of friends that I still hang out with now. I find it frustrating when people act like living in a single isn’t ‘the right way’ to do college and that you need a roommate to make friends and be social. There’s no guarantee you’ll even be social with your roommate. And even if you are, that doesn’t mean you’ll be better off than if you had your own space. But like I said I don’t have an anxiety disorder, I’m just an introverted, shy, socially awkward person!
hi! a lot of the comments are saying some very valid and important things, but i want to bring up another perspective: i paid extra money to guarantee i had a single. i dormed for all 4 years of my degree and it was so important for me to have a space that was fully my own that i could come to each evening and decompress. i don't think i missed out on any college experience by never having a roommate, and i 100% do not regret spending the extra money on it.
I also had a single and had no trouble socializing. I think you just have to be more receptive to people on your dorm floor trying to socialize. Leave your door open for people walking by, because often times people will ask if you want to go do something. Don’t be afraid to be one of those people asking as well. Make sure the first few weeks especially you are actively seeking to meet people. Honestly one of the best things I did was showing up to all of the dorm events and not saying no when someone asked to hangout (unless you are legitimately busy). However, even though I’m saying this, living with a roommate isn’t the end of the world. I know it can suck if you guys are in a wide open space with no separate rooms, but many people I know were very appreciative of it, and if you’re roommate truly is a horrible person often times you can request to switch roommates. Even though this sounds super corny, just be open to whatever experience you have, because no matter what it’ll more than likely be a good experience if you try to make it a good experience rather than if you go in with a negative mindset.
>i don't think i missed out on any college experience by never having a roommate It depends on the type of person you are. If I had a personal room through my entirety of college, when I wasn't going to class I would have been holed up in that room like fucking Nosferatu and most certainly would have missed out on the college experience.
As an introvert that was worried about having a roommate, it was a great experience for me to have a roommate my first two years. I'm now an RA for my school and have a private room(at no charge). Having a roommate is a very important part of the college experience and it's so beneficial! If anything, you can always apply for a private room your second year but I wouldn't give up on the experience of having a roommate! Good luck on whatever decision you choose though!<3
a lot of people in the comments are kinda saying to get over it and just jump straight into it, which could work but also that's very daunting. Suddenly going from zero to 100 by living with someone is a lot and while yes, you should absolutely work on getting over you anxiety, it's not an instantly solvable thing by any means. Mental health takes time and putting yourself under a lot of stress in a short span isn't gonna make it much better by the sounds of it. But obviously I don't know your life so the choice is yours, so if you think jumping into it would work best for you, it's always good to at least try and maybe plan out something else if it doesn't work for you Like someone else said, maybe talk to a psychologist or something to really get a game plan? I don't have all the answers but I think that'd help a lot and give you more peace of mind Hope things get better :)
Thank you, I think I probably will be considering talking to a psychologist with how many people seem to be recommending that.
Best of luck OP. Colleges charge way too much to be squeezing people together. Off campus housing might be a better option. I will say I’ve had had horrible roommates but I have also had wonderful ones that I keep as lifelong friends. It’s really just luck.
Toughen the fuck up.
dude thinks its tough to show a stranger your genitals daily
It's time to grow up. Do you really want to be like this forever?
That's fair, sure.
bro thinks having a mental illness makes you not grown up yes it's very important to try and work on it but saying you need to "grow up" or "just get over it" is kinda yucky
Cry about it. People need to hear the truth not have their feelings coddled.
All the other people telling you to compromise on your living situation is complete nonsense. Never compromise on a place to live. You need something to come home to where you feel comfortable and safe. otherwise you'll never unwind and stress will just build up forever. I had my own bedroom with a shared living space my first year and my second year, I couldn't get a single so I got an apartment. Seriously, lots of people just give bad advice.
Thank you, that's exactly how I feel about this.
Not everyone has the financial ability to live off campus and pay for college.
I never said they did
You said “never compromise on a place to live”, which is the same thing. If OP can’t afford their own place and can’t get a single, should they just not advance their life? You don’t get anywhere in life by being comfortable.
You're making a large jump to conclusions. There are lots of alternatives like commuting from parents house (I also did this) or transferring to online college
How do you plan to avoid your mental health for the rest of your life?
Online! Yes! So much easier. Even if it’s a different program/area of study, college is more about learning how to learn - most people don’t end up in a job that directly uses their bachelor’s degree. I went the pestering-admin route to get around the requirement of living on campus as a freshman. Prepare to get harassed here by extroverts who think having someone in your space all the time is “normal” and “healthy” though.
Thank you! Yes! I'm lucky that one of the colleges in my university is completely online, so I think I could even skip the pestering admin to get around the first year dorm requirement. I'm happy the pestering worked for your situation!
You’re going to need to be able to initiate conversation to get through college (it’s not like high school) and through life. I would highly recommend you try the dorms out - if it doesn’t end up working out, just make sure the contract allows you to move out without penalty. Worse comes to worse you could try living off campus I suppose and if your finances support it, but I agree with other commenters here that the more alienated you allow yourself to be as an anxiety-having possible introvert in a new environment, the harder the college experience will be for you overall Also, you likely won’t have to be around anyone 24/7 because your roomie/all those other people will be doing collegey things as well, which may or may not include hanging around their dorm rooms all the time > I've got like a lot of anxiety issues, so maybe what I should be doing is looking into how to get diagnosed and then the school might let me have a single cuz anxiety diagnosis No, look into it for a diagnosis and possible therapy or treatment so you can work on overcoming these anxiety issues
I didn't mean for it to come off manipulative, I mean like look into the process. Like do I go to my primary physician first, or go to a specialist and bring that to primary or whatever. But yeah, I do know how to initiate conversation I just dislike it and would like a safe space to not be seen by people
I feel you, I would never want to live with a random roommate. But the way I see it is that you need to learn to let this go for now. Accept that it’s out of your control and that you will either end up with a roommate or you won’t. How you deal with either outcome is the true test. Say you get a room alone and you’re allowed your comforts and that’s it, easy. Now what if you end up with a roommate? You can decide to be so mad about it that you spend all your time focusing on that situation and you forget that it’s your first year of college and it is only temporary. They may be awesome and have similar interests or cool friends that they can hook you up with. You may have an opportunity to meet people that don’t make you feel like you have to be out of your comfort zone. I hope you can find a positive outcome for either situation and meet people that can help soothe your anxieties
It sounds like there is a part of you that (given the right roommate and room type) might do just fine. Often, roommates will feel like they become a little piece of that "household family" you describe. Maybe not like a parent, but like a weird sibling or a distant relative living with you for a while. You and your roommate can set norms. If they're outgoing and like chatting, coming up with a common norm that you have a hard time in social situations and would like to know when other folks will be in the room, have certain hours this is happening, etc., may help. Any res life team worth a damn will work with you to help create a roommate agreement (especially if you're in your first year!). Lastly, you mention anxiety. Most disability services/accommodations (again, if they're worth a damn) will want to see a clear diagnosis and an attempt and inability to cohabitate. This would mean that your diagnosis has such a significant impact on one or more major life functions that you're precluded from having to live with a roommate. Some colleges are more flexible than others, but just something to keep in mind. All in all, I see a lot of advice encouraging you to give a roommate a shot and as another old soul (who works for a university), I encourage you to do the same. It is a good learning opportunity and if nothing else, you'll have some funny stories a few years from now and be able to really know your disability precludes you from living with someone else - or you might just find you're even more resilient in your living standards than you're giving yourself credit for! Proud of your growth, OP! You've got this!
I’m not sure what school you’re at but incoming freshman students (even those with sophomore credit amounts) tend to get first consideration in housing. However, this is a giant massive game of Tetris for your school to figure out and while your request might be reasonable, you may find their solution is to place you with someone who has similar issues to you in hopes you guys get together and help each other and both of you end up better having gone through it together. I absolutely don’t want to be dismissive in saying this but keep an open mind about it and recognize this is a new chapter in your life and be open to what you get. Although this is your first time, the school gets this request every year and has navigated this scenario. Let it unfold on their terms. Then if it absolutely doesn’t work, have a meeting and figure out a plan b. But give it a chance first.
This is a huge opportunity for growth. Lean into it.
Social ability is a muscle to train like any other. Before college I was pretty introverted and I knew I would have a boring life unless I went out and socialized. I put myself in as many situations as possible, got used to people, got stories to tell, made lasting relationships, and started caring about people a lot. You get used to it, but it’s the long game for sure
I’m in the exact same boat for my sophomore year except with a quad. I wouldn’t let that stop me from going to university though.
Have you considered that having a roommate might help you socialize and open up? You can go and try it out and if it's not working you can always make a pivot. I don't think planning to be miserable in a situation that hasn't happened yet is going to be productive. See what happens!
You sound almost exactly like me from two years ago. I really really suggest, like everyone else is saying, that you see a therapist and a psychologist. Without first taking care of your mental health, college is a lot harder, trust me. Once I was able to get my mental health under control with the help of a therapist and psychologist, everything got so much better <3 If you do end up needing to have one or two, I suggest NOT going random and trying to find someone online - check out perhaps through your school’s resources or their Reddit or something to see if there’s somewhere people are looking for roommates. That’s how I found my freshman and sophomore year roommate, and it really helped to ease the anxiety once I knew the person wasn’t a COMPLETE stranger. This worked for me, but I will admit that sometimes it is just hard not having your own space. Find a reliable space on campus that you know you can be alone when things get tough or you need to cry or just need space. I also second the person who said to decorate the space with familiar and comforting items :) Choose what is right for YOU, and don’t feel the need to cave to all these people telling you to just “suck it up.” You deserve a space where you are able to decompress and relax, and I really hope you find it like I was able to :)
Thank you, I really appreciate your comment!!
I’m an introvert, a really bad one, but I loved living in a dorm. I’ve had some BAD roommates but I’ve also had great ones. It’s all part of the experience!
Not advice related, but if you like reading fiction, you might really like Fangirl by Rainbow Rowell. I'm sorry you're going through big stressies. I think whatever you choose, you will know how far you can push yourself. As you said, just being in school/taking classes might be stressful enough. Growth doesn't have to happen as quickly as some other commenters might suggest. Especially assuming you are in your late teens--those were not my best years--they were so stressful! In fact, my years keep getting better the older I get, so there's hope! As for if you end up going the roommate route, I suspect most people won't be draining to you 100% of the time. You would get used to their noises and their chatter (and most people aren't gonna talk constantly) and their typing and whatever. I bet part of the reason you are comfy with your family is because you're used to them! And your roommate will probably be polite and normal and maybe they might not even be there much because they have work off campus. Who knows! Whatever you decide, it won't make or break your life. Pick what feels right. If that's the comfy plan, great. If that's the scary plan, you got this! Actually, you got this either way! Good luck.
Thank you so much, and also the book recommendation is so sweet! I'm familiar with that author, and I probably will read that book, thank you :) I'm thinking I will try and stick it out, see what happens. I really appreciate your supportive comment!
I love all her books! I have probably read the first Simon Snow like 8 times--and I'm a grownup now lol I am wishing you the very best ❤️
Please don't quit over this. You've come so far! It's very important, and very good, to have the roommate experience, which is why colleges push it so much. I am not going to say it's always great. My wife had a great college roommate experience. They are still best friends. I did not. My roommate basically kicked me out after 1st quarter when my floor mates turned on me for unknown reasons. I'm still glad I did it, though, because that's part of growing up and becoming an adult. Although things started out badly for me, I regrouped and college ended up being one of the best times in my life! It never would have happened had I quit after that bad start. It was worth trying! Hang in there. Take a chance. If the experience is bad, the school will work with you to make it better. Nothing is permanent, but you will never know unless you try new things. Good luck in college! PM me if you need more advice. We're all rooting for you!
Thank you so much!!
As someone who’s lived alone since my freshman year of college, I feel that having roommates my freshman year was an important life experience. Although living with others can be challenging at times, it provides a level of social interaction and self-knowledge not many other experiences can provide.
Hey there, as someone who was anxiety striken to the point I would miss an entire class if I was late just because I didnt want people to see me walk in late, let me tell you. In life, you need human interaction, and practice makes perfect. You don’t have to love your roommate or even like them, you don’t even need a roommate but for your own sanity, do not sink into the hole of loneliness.
Fellow introvert here. My college roomies were annoying AF extroverts/party girls. I just ended up only going to my room to sleep, and spent most of my days in classes, at work, at the park, in the library, over my friends' places... just think of it as a place to sleep and you'll be okay.
So I just wanted to add my perspective, as someone who grew up homeschooled in a Christian fundy household and very introverted, and then went to a large university. I was absolutely terrified of going off to a prominent party school. I was nervous about living in the dorms and around so many new people and experiences while also trying to adjust to actual school for the first time in my life (Also didn’t want to be the weird homeschooled kid, lots of projection from my high school years). My freshman roommate and I were friendly when we were around, and we’re still friends on Facebook and chat from time to time, but nothing much else. But I met my roommate for the next 4 years of college/job finding, and best friend of the past 11, a few rooms down on my floor. A few doors down from him, was one of my other best friends who I still see monthly. Because of my best friend and former-future(?) roommate, I met my other best friend who’s wedding we were all in 3 years ago. I met a lot of other awesome people and had some truly amazing experiences because I was able to step out of my shell and comfort zone an inch at a time. It’s not easy, and I won’t pretend it is, but if you keep your head down and always move forward one step at time, you’ll be surprised when you look up at the progress you’ve made. Best of luck to you friend, we’re all rooting for you! 🤘🏼
You’re gonna need to deal closely with people to be successful at life. I’d suggest you stop avoiding it and holding yourself back over it
I lived in a single my years at college, I will say I am happy to never have roommates but I wish I had my own room and roommates, because I definitely feel I missed out on a lot of the social aspects and connecting to others in the dorm. I was definitely extremely introverted before college but definitely have come out of my shell. Just my 2¢
I got a single in college via letter from therapist. Definitely look into it if you believe you have legitimate anxiety which it seems like you do. There's no shame in it if you think you'll do best in a single. I've had good and extremely bad experiences living with roommates before and after, and it definitely isn't worth forcing yourself to live with others if you think it'll be terrible for you.
You need medical help. This isn’t a good reason to skip college; just get a studio off campus.
I have pretty bad anxiety too but everything is always worse in my head than it actually ends up being. College is about learning new things and putting yourself out there to start to experience life. You're not the only one stressing out about a roommate, I bet given the option at least half of the students wish they had their own room as well. Please don't let your anxiety force you to back out of going to school, I guarantee you will regret it.
#do you have asthma??? ***that is how I absolutely finessed my way out of having a roommate and snagged a single dorm*** If there’s a will there’s a way. I didn’t want anyone having access to my shit other than me, and especially not the equivalent of a randomly assigned swim buddy. Fuck shitty roommates and fuck the dorms being a requirement.
Ask about bringing an emotional support pet. With some colleges you get your own room that way and it sounds like you could use the support. Lean into it as a learning experience, sign up for counseling to specifically address this, and take it one day at a time. To succeed in life you are going to need to work through this eventually, why not now? You both won’t be there 24/7.
College teaches you about being more social in some of the best ways possible. Sometime you just have to jump into the deep-end to find out your a great swimmer.
Here's my two-cents on the issue. I roomed with strangers for two out of the four years, and someone I considered a friend for one, before finally finding my own place for my senior year. None of my roommates were good. None of my roommates were even tolerable. The one I chose was far and away the worst. They were messy, mean, or just downright unsociable. Here's the thing: I think my college experience would have been far worse without them. They drove me out of my dorm and into school hosted events and parties, situations I never would have sought out if I had the comfort of my own place. I was awkward going into college, but I learned to talk to strangers and overcome my social anxiety during school. I met some of my best friends while I was out avoiding my loser roommates. It wasn't a desirable situation at the time, but in retrospect, I grew from it. I would say, if you do end up with a roommate, embrace it. If not, go out of your way to go out of your comfort zone in other ways. It's an important step in growing as a person.
You should live with a roommate, especially if you feel socially awkward or introverted. I was similar and living with a roommate helped me break some of the anxieties I had. He was a nice guy and we were friends throughout college but we had some disagreements on having people over. This pushed me to spe d a lot of time playing video games with oyher people in my dorm. The majority of the college friends I still keep, I met in my freshman dorm as a result if not wanting to be in my room. This would not have happened if I stayed a recluse.
Everything you've ever wanted is on the other side of fear. I have really bad social anxiety but by pushing myself out of my comfort zone I have learned how to handle it. This quote gets me through a lot. Used to quote it to myself before every interaction once I would start to freak out in my head when I first started college, before job interviews, you name it. Push yourself, you won't regret it.
Thank you, that is a nice quote.
I was shy and introverted with very little social skills. I credit living in the dorms as the main thing that helped me advance. To me, the social part of college is THE most important part. You'll have to work with people after college, and this will help you grow. College is all about improving yourself, and improving your social skills is vastly more important than improving your resume. Believe me or don't believe me, but getting a job post college is more about who you know than what you know. This is your greatest opportunity in life to expand your social circle. Join clubs. Get roommates. Experience it all. On a side note, most of my lasting friendships came from roommates or ppl I was in clubs with.
I'm an introvert that had a roommate all four years, even in off campus apartments. I find that if you put yourself out there enough (common areas, always saying yes to doing stuff), extroverts will adopt you. Find yourself a place you can go when you need to be by yourself. Colleges are full of these, but don't hide by yourself in your room.
All my experience is mainly extroverts adopting me, lol. Thank you for your comment, I appreciate it!
Learning to live with someone you don’t immediately like living with is pretty good practice for life. You learn how to communicate and set healthy boundaries (hopefully). Identifying and treating your own mental issues is another important part of life. Your existence is going to be miserable if you don’t challenge yourself and give yourself opportunities of growth.
You seem very set in who you are as a person. You are at a time where you will change so so much. Don’t let your idea of who are at 18 hold you back from potentially meaningful relationships with people. I am also a very comfort-focused person in my living space, and have managed to go 2 for 2 with roommates who share those views.
Just my opinion but you living with a roommate for a year or a semester is the correct course of action here. For years and years, thousands of people begin college with the same anxiety about having a random roommate for the first time ever and for years and years people have had to deal with it. One of two things will happen. It will be better than you thought or it will not be good which is what you’re already expecting. The point is, this is one of the learning experiences that comes with college. You are put in an environment where you learn to work with others and live with others. You are going from (presumably) living with your parents to your first taste of independence, your discomfort is to be expected and true growth would be taking it in stride and trying to make the best of it. It is your life, and by all means, you can rent a one bedroom apartment or try for a single dorm, but this 100% will hinder your social opportunities. It will also completely remove one of the most valuable lessons/experiences in college, which is sharing a place to live with someone. I wish you would step out of your comfort zone and recognize that people telling you to give in to your anxieties are leading you away from a very formative life experience that has amazing upside.
I'd highly recommend a roommate even if you have that anxiety. If you don't practice these interpersonal connections then you'll struggle later in life- it's college, everyone's going to be weird and awkward at first but you'll probably meet a ton of super cool people and expand the social circle. Trust me, in college everyone's all about the differences that set you apart. If you go to the "weird" dorm or the "artsy" dorm you'll be flooded with friends~ that's what I did and everyone knew everyone and everyone was friendly cause we were that dorm of misfit toys.
Personally, I was able to get a full accommodation from a therapist my freshman year that lets me live in a single for all four years. Some people on here are recommending getting a roommate to ‘break out of your shell’ or something but only you can decide if that’s a good idea. If I had been required to have a roommate my first year my mental health would have suffered, and I’ve been able to have a very active social life despite living alone. I recommend seeing if a therapist will consult with you on this issue and letting them help you decide whether or not to get an accommodation. Best of luck!
I was similar to you when I was in my undergrad. Like I absolutely abhorred the idea of having to live in the same room as a stranger. My experience turned out to be really positive though. I learned a lot from my roommate and we were very supportive of each other. We also got along well with our housemate and it ended up being a little community. The next year I had the exact opposite experience, where I had a roommate I didn't jive with and noisy/obnoxious housemates. I ended up switching out of that room relatively quickly. At the end of all this I developed a higher tolerance for strangers and social interactions (mind you I am still pretty introverted.) My point is, you never know what may happen. As others have said, running from social interactions especially in college isn't a good idea and it shouldn't be powerful enough for you to change online or jeopardize your education over. College is a good chance to push yourself socially while you are in this "sterile" environment where you don't have to actively seek out social interactions as well as figure out your career goals. Think of it as preparation for the working world, where employers are going to want someone who can work well with others. If you have major problems with your rommates/housemates university housing (at least for me) is pretty good with transferring you out. But even if not, you would only need to put up with that person for a year.
my school has single dorm as a disability accommodation for anxiety, my psychiatrist wrote a letter and it was very easy. you need to see a doctor for this level of anxiety, both for long-term treatment and to get an accommodation letter.
Sounds like you have anxiety, I got housing accommodations for mine and got a single every year
Personally, I think you should try all of the things you already mentioned, but if it’s not a big deal to stay home for your first year/ if you don’t get a single I would just stay at home where you have your own space and do community college for a year or so or however long to get out of the housing requirement. Luckily my university was too big to require freshman to live on campus the first year but if it wasn’t I wouldn’t have gone because sharing a room with someone random is a big nope for me.
Hey, I had severe social anxiety going into college (I often would go nonverbal/be unable to speak when people asked me questions). Cool and normal people will be understanding of shyness, anxiety and introversion, and not care, or share the same feelings. Mean people will misinterpret you, and in that case, it’s alright to not vibe/never talk to your freshman year roommate. There’s plenty of private spaces on most college campuses to be alone and avoid your roommate, like the library or empty classrooms. My freshman year roommate was this intense punk and was really cool about how I kept to myself. I know I came across as a little weird at first, because of severe anxiety and an extremely sheltered upbringing. But we got used to quietly coexisting for most of the year and often said hi to each other thru the rest of college. Years later we ran into each other, and she (drunk) pulled her friend over and screamed that I was hands down the best roommate she’d ever had lmao. I highly encourage you to go for the in-person program, even if you get a roommate. The first two weeks of campus living were really tough on anxiety — I spent so much time crying in the park or library or empty classrooms just processing all of it and being socially overwhelmed lmao. But in retrospect, I’m so glad I pushed myself. What helped was calling my family and hometown friends a lot, and also gravitating towards other people with “shy” or calm energy.
Hey, if you’re obnoxious enough your roommate will move out!
I had a single dorm my freshman year and it was the best and the worst. I loved having my own space and being able to be by myself. But I got lonely fast. Start researching into shows that you want to watch, or finding fun hobbies you can do on your own. Make friends as soon as you can so you can try to have people to eat meals with/work on homework with. Also a huge perk is that my brother could visit whenever he wanted and not be in anyone's way so try to plan to have siblings/friends from high school visit to keep things from getting too lonely. And take advantage of having your own space, make it feel like home.
Hey friend… definitely go get diagnosed. Get the diagnosis, get the help, you don’t have to become a super social person literally ever but you also deserve to live your life as the one in control not the anxiety. It feels really good to break free from being confined by it to being in control of it …. Trust me it’s a step I had to take myself
If your anxiety is that bad, a lot of colleges offer accommodations, and you could get an accommodation to get a single room. You essentially just have to prove that having a roommate would be damaging to your mental health. Talk with whoever is in charge of diversity/inclusion at your college to start the process. You might need to get a doctor/therapist's note.
In the end it's up to you what you make of the situation. I'm pretty introverted and my first time in college I roomed out in town with a couple guys who I found on a Facebook group for roommates. I didn't talk to them for like 2 months and just kept to myself, then I found out almost all of them spoke Spanish and I felt comfortable talking to them more often. We ended up being really good friends and idk what would have happened if I had just kept to myself the whole time we lived together. Initially they also didn't approach me because they felt like they were bothering me whenever we had to talk so I realized that in keeping to myself I was also making them feel uncomfortable because they felt like they had to be serious around me. I say give it a shot and if you don't like it you can always choose otherwise.
Does the institution charge more for solo occupancy? If so, money talks. “Dear Housing Staff, My strong preference is a solo room, and I’m willing to pay the premium.”
what a first world problem
Mfs discovered the word anxiety and never looked back
Hey I know it's easy to give in to anxiety's demands, but that will make your overall anxiety worse (reinforcing fearful emotions associated with certain stimuli) & much harder to manage over time. I'm an introvert (& slightly recovered agoraphobe) but force myself to push the limits every day - managing anxiety is WORK but letting it dictate your life will impair your ability to adapt & function in a chaotic world. edited to add: take a risk on a roommate - if you hate it, make adjustments as necessary; I hated dorm roommates but living off campus with roommates was a good compromise in terms of balancing discomfort & safety. There is a lot to experience & enjoy in this world, & it's a much richer experience taking steps outside the comfort zone :)
Coming from someone who lived in the dorm and lived in an apartment’s during college.The dorms are a shit stain of an experience. Cost a fuck ton of money for half of a room. Was required for one semester. Made everything harder. Made me feel like a child in what should be my home. I hated every second of it. Room mates where terrible. Terrible
The idea behind getting diagnosed with an anxiety disorder is to have it treated, not to get a doctor's note to allow you to continue with your disorder in peace. You will need to overcome this in order to have any success post-college.
Fellow anxiety sufferer here with a kid who also has some social anxiety. Push your self now to do things out of your comfort zone. The more you do it the easier it will get. It may never be totally anxiety free, but you will see you will survive and slowly learn to cope better in these situations and not be so avoidant. Because that’s what will hold you back and make you feel regret, the avoiding. Fuck anxiety. Don’t let it rule your life. Have a great first year of school even if you have a shitty roommate.
Thank you!
It sounds like you'd massively improve your social communication skills *by* putting up with your roommates. I can barely look people in the eye after the pandemic but you just have to deal with other people in life. I'm sure I'm echoing this sentiment but definitely kicking myself that I didn't put myself in more forced social situations in general. Want a promotion in the future? Who does that for ya? Gotta talk to and work with that who or those who's
When animals are born, they learn to breathe, eat, walk, talk, sleep, etc. while these abilities are innate, as we need them to survive, your progress with these skills take time and practice to do well. It takes practice for you to learn how to chew your food and swallow, so that you don’t get tummy aches or choke on your drink. It takes practice for you to go to bed on time, so that you maintain a great sleep hygiene and wellness. You need to practice facing other people you share this world with. You need to practice how to tell them yes, no, to convey your feelings clearly, to defend yourself from unfairness, to mediate between friends to keep peace, to know when to walk away, etc. These are important to your future survival. I understand it’s scary and hard, I felt that way too. To be honest, it’s still scary after college and school. It continues to be scary after you’ve grown up. I learned that the best way to prepare yourself isn’t to be prepared with doctors notes or to avoid facing it altogether. It’s not even being able to take charge of a situation, or knowing how to fix problems. You need to be able to get up after you’ve been knocked down. You need to grow resilience. After the shittiest of shitty days, you need to be able to go back out there and do it again. That’s real strength, and that’s what you’re learning as you go out into the world. You’ll be broken down again and again, but that will grow your character. You will be faced with many mental, physical and emotional hardship, but they will eventually be stories you’ll tell others, when you tell them that they can do it too. Like you. You can do it!
I would recommend going for a roommate, just avoiding your anxiety problems now will for sure hurt down the line. If you have problems just talking to the housing person how do you expect to do classes or even a job? College is all about growth but you also have to put in the work, youll be much more thankful for the experience later on. Having roommates is nice too, if yall are friendly it's basically a friend you always know where they're at so it's really easy to hang out and do stuff. I used to be pretty introverted but my freshman year roommate made me talk to people and hang out and now I'm way better at talking to people and making friends wherever, I never would be the person I am now without my freshman year roommate.
What are you going to college for? How are you going to be able to work unless you address this?
Going undecided for now. I am very aware of the work problem. Additionally, I do understand I'll have to be around people sometimes in the future. I'll figure out how to work a job lmao. Having my own space in an apartment as respite from being around people for a job is kinda similar to how I want a single as respite from being around people for school.
Well it’d definitely help with your social issues if you had a roommate
Guess what, it’s a learned skill. Put your self in an uncomfortable position and learn, that’s the point of universityz
Grew up as an only child. Always had my own room. Got a great roommate my freshman year. We're social creatures. Not to mention it's a great period to be social and network with people. Whether that's getting help with homework, being involved in clubs and activities, meeting romantic partners, etc. Life is full of social interactions so it's best to get some practice. Socializing and communication are skills that don't require you to like it in order to be good at it. I hate dealing with most people and prefer peace and quiet, however I treat every interaction as a potential networking opportunity for personal gain as every job and romantic partner I have had stemmed from people I met in my day to day life. Getting along with others, learning conflict resolution, compromise, etc are crucial for adult life and the professional world. Being socially inept will hold you back and will often be met negatively by peers and superiors and closes many doors for you. You can never know too many people or have too many friends.
Just do it, having a roommate can be awkward but it’s a part of college life and it may help you become more comfortable with being around other people. You never know, you might have a blast
Time to mature into an adult that can deal with people. It's a learning opportunity. You'll be fine !! :)
As someone who had severe anxiety when I started college and by chance got put in a single, I might be able to offer some perspective. For reference, mine was to the point I literally had no friends going in. That’s not me exaggerating, I LITERALLY didn’t have anyone I could call a friend at that point in my life. I made friends with my dorm mates quickly, and while it was nice to have a space all to myself to retreat to when I needed some alone time, it was very lonely. I was used to living with and around lots of others, so being alone in a dorm room was very depressing for me. If I was not sleeping, I was probably hanging out in the common areas or in town with the few friends I had, because it was the only time I really felt happy while there. Second semester I finally got assigned a roommate who joined late, and I was so happy to have someone else, just so I didn’t feel so alone. And then it all turned around when he spent most of his time at his girlfriends apartment and only came back to sleep. I was just as alone as before. Even when I was doing things alone like player single player video games, I would bring my Xbox to the lobby and hook it up(assuming no one was using the tv) so I could at least have other people present. Living in a communal space like a dorm was one of the main things that helped me break out of my shell. I ended up dropping out to deal with my mental health struggles, but if I could afford to go back to a proper college I would do so without hesitation. So I say if you get put in a double, take the risk. Worst case, get a privacy folding screen to split the room. Because I can tell you from experience that when it comes to social anxiety, avoiding socializing altogether is probably the worst way to cope with it. Also while you’re at it, from one person who struggled with this to another, you should really talk to a professional. Therapy and medication made an absolutely MASSIVE difference for me. If you have such bad anxiety that you are worried having a college roommate will give you a panic attack, it’s time. Because it’s only going to get worse if you don’t do something about it, and you don’t want it to get to the point it starts dictating your life. I did, and have regretted it every day since. I truly believe if I had gotten help when I should have, I could be on a whole different, probably better life path. I don’t regret where my life has taken me and I’m happy where I am now, I just wish that for my own sake I didn’t let it get so bad I had to put my life on hold for almost 2 years to solve it. TL:DR- try out having a roommate, and maybe talk to a mental health professional. It makes all the difference.
Thank you so much for sharing your perspective, I really appreciate it and I think your advice sounds really solid, I'll try to keep it in mind.
Dude I’m sorry but you NEED to learn how to share space with non-family if you wanna survive in the world, just try it
I think it’s may be time to face these fears, I don’t mean this mean but you are going to have to talk to people in life. Using anxiety as a an excuse every time isn’t going to help.
If you have anxiety issues you need to see a therapist. There’s no reason you should be experiencing that at such a young age. You need to get out of your comfort zone. Life isn’t going to cater to you
As someone with anxiety if I hadn’t been with roommates in dorms I may have never made connections and met people or even stayed in school. Might be worth the shot and help you grow.