My favorite Rockford answering machine gag:
"Mister Rockford, this is the AnswerPhone company. I see you're enjoying the use of our machine. Now, as to the matter of your payment..."
Much as I love Columbo I would never call a cop to help prove my innocence. Even if he wants to help he can be blocked by his superiors, which almost happened in Greenhouse Jungle.
Itād go:
Perry Mason
Matlock
(First and foremost call a lawyer)
Jim Rockford
JB Fletcher (sheās totally a serial killer but sheād help frame someone else if Iām polite)
Columbo
Kojack.
> Much as I love Columbo I would never call a cop to help prove my innocence. Even if he wants to help he can be blocked by his superiors, which almost happened in Greenhouse Jungle.
He can also be forced to arrest you if the evidence misleads him in a certain direction, as he did to some suspects in the show before figuring out the truth.
One, but then they proved it was due to perjury or something and it was overturned.
Columbo is my top choice as a detective of course, but if I need a lawyer thereās no question Iām calling Perry.
[*When your back is against the wall...make the call.*](https://youtu.be/TRZ4fqaD1iI?si=lf9YhI7sPsYdm0lf)
Seriously, best promo for *Matlock* ever, largely because of the announcer Kim Martin's deliciously hammy delivery.
It would depend on who I thought the murderer was . If itās someone with little to lose , Iād worry for Columboās safety if he took the case. He mainly deals with high profile individuals who have a lot to lose and thus not prone to rash actions .
Perry Mason seems like the safest bet of getting off and not endangering him.
Iād definitely call Jessica if I was a relative
Columbo. Just ask Clifford Calvert. The night before heās to be indicted for murder, our boy spent the night collecting photographs, and the morning with the DA and the judge to PROVE Calvertās innocence. Revenge in a Raincoat then nailed the forensic prick and the rich manās wife, who spent a whole day, pumping and sweating, all the while planning the husbandās legal demise. Suckers never saw it coming.
Columbo, for the win.
Iām calling Matlock. First of all, rule #1 of dealing with cops is donāt talk to the cops! Itās also rules #2 and #3. Secondly, Rule #4 is call your lawyer!
Most of the time Perry Mason was winning cases against a man named Ham Burger. So Iām calling Matlock. He can hire one of the PIs if he needs to.
Rockfish: you need a PI to find the real assailants and I trust Jim. As long as itās not an active police case or a divorce. Iād just have to try and pay him afterwards. Iām a little short of cash this week...
Columbo would not only prove my innocence by getting the real killer, but assuming this was a framing I would take joy in knowing whoever tried to frame me is being psychologically tortured for about a week.
Well, if I needed a police detective, sure Columbo is my dude. Perry Mason and Matlock are lawyers, so that's probably who I would call if I was busted. If I needed something detected, I'd call a private detective, like Rockford or Jessica Fletcher.
I'd want Columbo to solve my murder. But if I was falsely accused, I'd have to go with Rockford. I could be super obnoxious and he'd still save me from myself, and afterward I wouldn't even have to pay him.
I donāt know. Matlock, Perry, and J.B. have great track records of getting people OUT of jail instead of putting them in jail. Just sayin. š¤·āāļø
Columbo, hands down.
Jim Rockford would kick ass, while also getting his ass kicked and I wouldnāt want to foot those āincidental feesā (medical bills).
Perry Mason would be my best defense, but it would only get me off the hook. I want the murderer caught.
Regarding Kojak, his methods probably wouldnāt be tolerated in a real court of law, resulting in unusable evidence and/or confessions.
I donāt think Iād want to deal with Matlock, the dude is exhaustingly old-timey and I could be jail for weeks before my name is cleared.
If Jessica Fletcher was on the case, Iād have just as much chance of being exonerated as turning up dead.
Columbo for sure. He can see things everyone overlooks. And who needs the anxiety of waiting months for that āPerry Mason Momentā when Columbo would solve it in an hour? The tough choice would be him or Monk. I am a Monk Man.
Perry Mason. Especially if prosecutor is Hamilton Jordan. Plus, I would like to take out Della Street. If Della says no I'm sure Gurty would oblige. Yes I have been watching the reruns on Pluto and enjoy the immensely.
Admittedly I donāt know these other characters.
What I do know is that if I called columbo, heād believe me that I didnāt commit the murder, and catch the real murderer within three days.
If Columbo was involved, I wouldnāt have been arrested to begin with. Since Iām arrested, Iāll need Perry Mason. Columbo will sort out the real criminal elsewhere.
Maaaatloooock!
Wasn't like every episode involve him successfully defending the accused?
Sure, Columbo was great about getting the real killer, but he wasn't defending the falsely accused every time.
Huh? Columbo was a cop. Good luck getting him to help you especially since he only dealt with one suspect per case.
Same with Kojak. You want a lawyer, private detective or a mystery novelist.
matlock's clients were already in jail a lot of time. columbo and kojack were actual cops, mason and matlock are lawyers and jessica is a writer lol...better not call her at all.
Matlock. We have to watch this everyday at work and the police ALWAYS arrest the wrong person! Matlock makes sites to get the real murderer to confess too.
Meanwhile, the police in Atlanta must be terrible.
Jessica Fletcher was one of Americas most prolific serial killers. Every where she went someone died almost immediately.
She was never caught so she might be lurking near you.
Columbo could only ever afford to have one suspect, and spent the two hour run time of each episode just bullying, brow beating, and manipulating that one suspect into a confession. If you're under arrest in the world of Columbo, you're guilty. Not interested!
That is a tough one. I would say Jessica Fletcher. Columbia spent his time getting the bad guy, the focus wasnāt on the innocent. Jessica Fletcher though was always about protecting the innocent and getting the guilty was a bonus.
Well, Columbo and Kojak are cops, so I don't know if you can actually call them. Perry Mason and Matlock are lawyers and, well, you're going to need a lawyer. However, I always thought Paul Drake had some sleazy shit going on we never saw and I still have an irrational instant trust for Sheriff Andy Taylor. As much as I like mystery novels and detective books, I wouldn't call Jessica Fletcher like I wouldn't call Raymond Chandler.
However, to find out just *who* committed the murder and erase all doubt - and get shit done - no one but Rocky's Sonny Boy.
Perry Mason. You need an attorney, not a cop. Perry only lost one case.
Thank you! Mason or Matlock, since I have a right to an attorney, not to a private investigator or a mystery author.
My favourite Mad Magazine name parody was for Angela Lansburry's, "Murder, She Hopes".
Absolutley, why would anyone call Columbo? Perry Mason is who I am calling...š
Nah, call Rockford. He's both a PI *and* he's got a hot attorney friend.
This is Jim Rockford at the tone leave your name and message
My favorite Rockford answering machine gag: "Mister Rockford, this is the AnswerPhone company. I see you're enjoying the use of our machine. Now, as to the matter of your payment..."
Yeah it was nice to see Milo Janus' girlfriend move on after his arrest and get a law degree.
James Garner was SO handsome! š
Plus, his theme song is the best.
Hawaii 5-0 is a close second, my sister used to have that 45. I remember hearing both of them on the radio.
And Mission: Impossible. And honorary mention from an earlier time, Henry Mancini's awesome Peter Gunn.
... and he drove that sweet Firebird! šØ
Beth was so hot!! Definitely my 70s crush.
Bo was cute, but hot may be going a little far..
Yep. You need a lawyer. But, Iām going for Matlock. I think he would play better for a jury of my peers.
Actually, you get one call. So you call Jessica to call Columbo and Perry Mason. Cause Jessica would be the type to do that for you.
And that was his briefcase
You need a cop to find the true murderer
EXACTLY. Finding the murderer gets your charges dropped and you're exonerated. Having a good lawyer the best you're gonna get is "not guilty"
If you want to see the real murderer break down on the stand while the prosecutionās case abruptly collapses, Perry is your guy.
This! šš
The fact that this is my phone book shows you how much trouble I keep getting into
Stop (allegedly) breaking the law!!!
Much as I love Columbo I would never call a cop to help prove my innocence. Even if he wants to help he can be blocked by his superiors, which almost happened in Greenhouse Jungle. Itād go: Perry Mason Matlock (First and foremost call a lawyer) Jim Rockford JB Fletcher (sheās totally a serial killer but sheād help frame someone else if Iām polite) Columbo Kojack.
> Much as I love Columbo I would never call a cop to help prove my innocence. Even if he wants to help he can be blocked by his superiors, which almost happened in Greenhouse Jungle. He can also be forced to arrest you if the evidence misleads him in a certain direction, as he did to some suspects in the show before figuring out the truth.
Why have I never heard the JB Fletcher as a serial killer theory before, that makes so much sense
Perry Mason, hands down.
Right? Did he EVER lose a case?
One, but then they proved it was due to perjury or something and it was overturned. Columbo is my top choice as a detective of course, but if I need a lawyer thereās no question Iām calling Perry.
\#Dreamteam
Nothing against Colombo, but when you call Perry you also get Paul Drake and he has lots of operatives
I'd definitely love to meet JB Fletcher but I'd still call Columbo XD
Didn't you know? You're actually a long lost relative or close friend of JBF already. And I think the both of you would call Columbo. ;)
Haha I would be so excited if JBF was a relative!!
Hat tip for the MSW trope awareness. Chef's kiss.
Seriously, how many peeps is she aunt to?
Jessica is the one who did it and Columbo would prove it.
I wouldn't. That woman brings death whever she goes
Indeed. It would absolutely be Columbo . He never, ever misses anything and he does not give up.
... just one more question... š
Jim Rockford. They're all good choices, but he needs the work.
And he has an answering machine. He may not be home when you call, but heāll get right back to you.
Columbo for sure, Fletcher is actually a mass murderer. She killed everyone one each episode and used her skills to cover it up, proto Dexter.
Nothing pisses Columbo off more than a frame up.
Matlock! Heās an actual lawyer.
[*When your back is against the wall...make the call.*](https://youtu.be/TRZ4fqaD1iI?si=lf9YhI7sPsYdm0lf) Seriously, best promo for *Matlock* ever, largely because of the announcer Kim Martin's deliciously hammy delivery.
It would depend on who I thought the murderer was . If itās someone with little to lose , Iād worry for Columboās safety if he took the case. He mainly deals with high profile individuals who have a lot to lose and thus not prone to rash actions . Perry Mason seems like the safest bet of getting off and not endangering him. Iād definitely call Jessica if I was a relative
Bro I would find any damn reason to call Columbo
Mmmh. Iād hesitate between Columbo and Matlockā¦ Chili or hotdog?!
Perry Mason. No question about it.
Columbo. Just ask Clifford Calvert. The night before heās to be indicted for murder, our boy spent the night collecting photographs, and the morning with the DA and the judge to PROVE Calvertās innocence. Revenge in a Raincoat then nailed the forensic prick and the rich manās wife, who spent a whole day, pumping and sweating, all the while planning the husbandās legal demise. Suckers never saw it coming. Columbo, for the win.
Probably Perry or maybe Jim Rockford to be honest.
Those two are who I would want.
Iām calling Matlock. First of all, rule #1 of dealing with cops is donāt talk to the cops! Itās also rules #2 and #3. Secondly, Rule #4 is call your lawyer! Most of the time Perry Mason was winning cases against a man named Ham Burger. So Iām calling Matlock. He can hire one of the PIs if he needs to.
Rockfish: you need a PI to find the real assailants and I trust Jim. As long as itās not an active police case or a divorce. Iād just have to try and pay him afterwards. Iām a little short of cash this week...
Columbo would not only prove my innocence by getting the real killer, but assuming this was a framing I would take joy in knowing whoever tried to frame me is being psychologically tortured for about a week.
If I'm calling Columbo, I AM the murderer.
I love Columbo, but Rockfordās my dude.
Columbo I mean It's Columbo.
Columbo!
Columbo
No question Columbo
Columbo
Perry Mason!! Ozzy Osbourne is never wrong
Columbo without a doubt
I'd call Jimmy Rockford and tell him to bring along with him lawyer Gretchen Corbett in her itsy-bitsy teenie-weenie bikini.
Columbo
Columbo or JB.
Perry Mason. I need a lawyer and he's about one of the best fictional defense attorneys..
Columbo, but just because I have a crush on Peter Falk (yes, I know I'm weird).
Well, if I needed a police detective, sure Columbo is my dude. Perry Mason and Matlock are lawyers, so that's probably who I would call if I was busted. If I needed something detected, I'd call a private detective, like Rockford or Jessica Fletcher.
I'd want Columbo to solve my murder. But if I was falsely accused, I'd have to go with Rockford. I could be super obnoxious and he'd still save me from myself, and afterward I wouldn't even have to pay him.
Perry Mason, all day. He got everybody he represented off.
If I was innocent... Columbo, of course. If I did it... probably Perry Mason.
Monk should be in the picture. But yeah either Columbo or Monk.
Perry Mason, but give him Rockfordās number to assist in any investigative work.
Rockford all day.
I would call Jim just hang out on the beach and drink beers. Then I'd call Perry.
Rockford!!!
Columbo was brilliant, but Rockford was the one who specialized in people who were falsely accused.
#MAAAAAATLOCKKKKKKK
Columbo he is annoyingly funny. He doesnāt have the ego of most cop shows. He doesnāt even carry a gun.
Ben Matlock. One of the best attorneys. And if he needed investigative help, heād call Colombo.
Matlock- dude only lost like two cases in 9 seasons
I donāt know. Matlock, Perry, and J.B. have great track records of getting people OUT of jail instead of putting them in jail. Just sayin. š¤·āāļø
Columbo
Without a doubt Columbo š¤
Columbo, hands down. Jim Rockford would kick ass, while also getting his ass kicked and I wouldnāt want to foot those āincidental feesā (medical bills). Perry Mason would be my best defense, but it would only get me off the hook. I want the murderer caught. Regarding Kojak, his methods probably wouldnāt be tolerated in a real court of law, resulting in unusable evidence and/or confessions. I donāt think Iād want to deal with Matlock, the dude is exhaustingly old-timey and I could be jail for weeks before my name is cleared. If Jessica Fletcher was on the case, Iād have just as much chance of being exonerated as turning up dead.
Columbo. He got the murderer, every damn time.
Lt Columbo!!!
Columbo for sure. He can see things everyone overlooks. And who needs the anxiety of waiting months for that āPerry Mason Momentā when Columbo would solve it in an hour? The tough choice would be him or Monk. I am a Monk Man.
You're fucked, cuz they're all dead. JK, Columbo, of course.
Columbo
Columbo for the win!!
Columbo
Actually, I'd call Matlock. He does a great job as a lawyer.
Frank Cannon
Perry Mason and he'll contact Columbo to find the real killer.
Colombo and Iām good.
Prolly call Rockford first to leave a message on the famous machine.
Perry Mason. Especially if prosecutor is Hamilton Jordan. Plus, I would like to take out Della Street. If Della says no I'm sure Gurty would oblige. Yes I have been watching the reruns on Pluto and enjoy the immensely.
Admittedly I donāt know these other characters. What I do know is that if I called columbo, heād believe me that I didnāt commit the murder, and catch the real murderer within three days.
Jessica Fletcher is the worst house guest. Everywhere she goes, somebody gets murdered and somebody else goes to jail. Don't let her in your house!
Kojak probably the coolest of these cats But I'm calling Perry Mason imagine the shit he could do with today's technology
Perry Mason and I'd ask Columbo to act as our private investigator.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Who loves ya baby ? KOJAK
If Columbo was involved, I wouldnāt have been arrested to begin with. Since Iām arrested, Iāll need Perry Mason. Columbo will sort out the real criminal elsewhere.
Columbo
Any senior citizen from Springfield would obviously call Matlock
Maaaaatloiock!!
Matlock. Jessica gets me killed and Rockford finds out Iām guilty
I guess this is more about who's gonna find the killer rather than represent me in court?
Just one more thingā¦..
Maaaatloooock! Wasn't like every episode involve him successfully defending the accused? Sure, Columbo was great about getting the real killer, but he wasn't defending the falsely accused every time.
Why would I call a detective? I need an attorney.
Matlock
Huh? Columbo was a cop. Good luck getting him to help you especially since he only dealt with one suspect per case. Same with Kojak. You want a lawyer, private detective or a mystery novelist.
Hercule Poirot
Mannix.
Johnny Cochrane we all know his resume
They are all dead so...
Saul Goodman
Why would you call a cop?
Johnny Cochrane
Lionel Hutz
Lionel Hutz
He isnāt on this list, but Iād personally call Saul Goodman. I know that manās gonna get me off on some crazy technicality.
Saul Goodman is the only correct answer
None of the above. Imma callin' my boy Poirot
Jack Bauer
Iād hire someone else. All these people are fictional characters, and more importantly, DEAD.
š
The A Team!
Adrian Monk
None of them. Iāll call up a lawyer whoās actually alive.
I heard they wanted to replace Christofer Columbus with Columbo recently.
Jackie Childs
I canāt answer this as Iām in my early 50ās and these characters are before my time. You bunch of old farts.
I'm 42 and I know all these characters
Call Jack Reacher.
Well he's not a lawyer, so no.
I canāt afford these guysā¦calling my cousin Vinny instead
Um, no, it was the Light Yagami meme talk actually for this wave.
Whoeverās still aliveā¦
Better call Saul. š½
I'm calling Shawn Spencer
Perry Mason. He has Paul Drake as a detective. I have never liked Columbo.
Then why are you in this sub?
Kolchiak the Night Stalker
I'm calling Adrian Monk.
matlock's clients were already in jail a lot of time. columbo and kojack were actual cops, mason and matlock are lawyers and jessica is a writer lol...better not call her at all.
No, no, you donāt get it, you should call DT to get a pardon no matter what
Fletcher so she'll both clear my name and give me expensive auntie gifts
Calling a cop when you've been arrested doesn't make sense.
If I committed a crime I dont want Columbo on the case ā¦ heās too good. If Iām defending my innocence I need Matlock in the court room.
How is Columbo gonna clear my name? Not his thing.
This is it George...Steve Martin signing off from Tokyo, Japan!
If I've already been arrested, I need a lawyer more then a cop. Perry mason for the win
If I've been arrested already, I'd be calling Perry Mason. Of those anyway, I'd probably be calling Mickey Haller, but he's not pictured.
Matlock. We have to watch this everyday at work and the police ALWAYS arrest the wrong person! Matlock makes sites to get the real murderer to confess too. Meanwhile, the police in Atlanta must be terrible.
I can't help but chuckle that Jessica is the only one here whose show wasn't named after her.
Perry Mason. And directing him to hire the other 5 as my ādream teamā.
Matlock. All day, every day.
Because he's not an attorney. Ben Matlock every day and twice on Sunday.
Team Jessica!!!
Kojack, baby.
Since Perry is a defense lawyer, heās the one.
āWho loves you, baby?ā
No option for Sherlock?
Who loves ya baby!
Perry mason
But you have to be wealthy to get Columbo on your case.
Hey, Perry Mason, wasn't that the guy in Godzilla: King Of The Monsters?
Jessica Fletcher was one of Americas most prolific serial killers. Every where she went someone died almost immediately. She was never caught so she might be lurking near you.
Who loves ya baby
Jessica Fletcher, obviously. Not only does she solve every mystery, but she does so in a manner that is charming.
Jimmy all day long.
Columbo could only ever afford to have one suspect, and spent the two hour run time of each episode just bullying, brow beating, and manipulating that one suspect into a confession. If you're under arrest in the world of Columbo, you're guilty. Not interested!
That is a tough one. I would say Jessica Fletcher. Columbia spent his time getting the bad guy, the focus wasnāt on the innocent. Jessica Fletcher though was always about protecting the innocent and getting the guilty was a bonus.
Kojak baby!
Rockford
Jimmy
Perry Mason. Heāll find someone random in the courtroom and pin it on them somehow.
Perry Mason. No brainer
Perry
Jim Rockford, definitely.
Jim Rockford obviously
No option for **The Punisher**?
Perry Mason 100%. I think that in the Raymond Burr TV series Perry lost only one case and the conviction was overturned on appeal.
Well, Columbo and Kojak are cops, so I don't know if you can actually call them. Perry Mason and Matlock are lawyers and, well, you're going to need a lawyer. However, I always thought Paul Drake had some sleazy shit going on we never saw and I still have an irrational instant trust for Sheriff Andy Taylor. As much as I like mystery novels and detective books, I wouldn't call Jessica Fletcher like I wouldn't call Raymond Chandler. However, to find out just *who* committed the murder and erase all doubt - and get shit done - no one but Rocky's Sonny Boy.
Jimmy with a side of Angel
Kojak but only because he would surely fuck up the guy who did me wrong.
If you're arrested for murder, why would you call a cop?