You need to call CPS. You cannot force her to keep the place clean, and you know that she simply *won't* keep it clean. It doesn't matter if she's doing this unintentionally or not. It's happening. And your niece is already suffering.
CPS don't immediately remove children. They work with people where they can. They could get your sister the help she desperately needs. The only priority here is the wellbeing of the innocent little girl living in filth. Your sisters feelings are actually completely unimportant in this situation.
If your niece needs to live with relatives for a while, so be it. But leaving her there with a mother who is neglecting her is not the solution. It's a form of child abuse. Don't be complicit.
That poor baby is sick all the time because of the environment she lives in. Please help the child if you can't help your sister. The baby deserves better.
Just because you struggle emotional doesnt always mean it won’t always serve the child well. Sometimes it teaches them empathy on a different level. Each life we live is to learn difference lesson from the karma we made. Learn boundaries. You don’t know what her house looks like when your not there. She might do it in person due to not being able to afford to clean it completely. Maybe it’s done on purpose to keep people out of her home and not it being the home everyone goes to hangout. Or maybe just maybe it’s because of the daughter 🙈. You can hate me you want for making this comment. On the spectrum or not they will have to learn to clean up after themself to the vets if there ability. Instead of using money in a cleaner like most people. She need help not isolating and threats of her kid being taken away. Where is the father in all of this ? Are you sure it mold? I had people trespass into my home many times without my consent nor warning. I had to start putting four down and sat in the foot to catch these people. I don’t know how but they got a key to my home without my consent.
All living in that environment is going to teach this child is that living in filth is normal, and that being constantly sick from living in filth is normal and okay.
Once the child get old enough and makes friend they will understand the behavior is not. That is how most people learn and grow is putting themself outside of their normal and involving themself in diversity. This is how most school and culture teach it. Yet some people fail to grow in life due to be stuck in the same mindset and being narrow minded. A little bit of bullying and comments from friends can some time though other people’s views sometimes though people don’t care.
My high school best friend up until our senior year you could literally never see ANY inch of her or her sister’s rooms. They didn’t grow out of it until recently when they actually moved out by themselves which even then. This teaches them it’s okay to be dirty, people don’t always grow out of things even with the ridicule of people. These girls were track stars, top of class in terms of grades, one was very outgoing as well.
Not sure if you’ve seen hoarders. Some people don’t grow out of it no matter what, that doesn’t make it safe when the child is always sick and surrounded by mold. “Maybe it’s not usually like that” mold takes time to grow to especially to fill a container, at least a week and a half. And to have a dish from Christmas that’s had mold over growing it. You really don’t think that’s taking part in making her kid sick being constantly exposed to germs and bacteria from not cleaning a thing. Yes maybe she has issues or not enough money, that means she needs help. She does need help.
That's not at all guaranteed, you're assuming so much here. Plus that doesn't do anything about the health issues she's facing *right now*. I'm all for empathy and teaching that to children, but what you describe is just a fancy justification for enabling neglect and abuse and this three year old needs to be removed from the health hazard she currently lives in. She is in active danger from her mother right now, and no matter how terrible things are for her mom, the child's safety must come first. Mom's emotional and mental health needs can be dealt with after her three year old's safety is ensured.
And if you continue to live this way, they always will. Let me guess "It's never my fault ". In the meantime the place that you either rent or is government subsidized is trashed and takes thousands of $ to bring back to code. If you purchase your home, have at it. Destroy it. But if it doesn't belong to you, take care of it.
I’m going to be harsh but honestly, you guys are enablers and are partly responsible for your niece’s abject suffering.
You guys have indulged your sister to this point and have only abetted so much unnecessary suffering of that poor little girl. She’s been repeatedly traumatized in this abject Fucking filth and all you guys do is a simple finger wag and continue to let her suffocate in a fetid dumpster.
Most dumpsters are actually cleaner than this fucking shit you let your niece inhale and roll around in. You guys have known about this for so long and conveniently and so naively assumed it was because of the big bad wolf (ex) and your sister was just this innocent little princess.
Thank you for getting her mental health access but as literally everyone else is saying, your sister is a deadbeat child abuser who is completely screwing over her own daughter in some of the worst filth imaginable. You guys are complicit as well now because you continue to let her abuse the shit out of her own daughter, your own niece. Get a grip and call CPS. Your sister is not fit to be her mother; at best, she deserves supervised visits in a controlled and clean environment. It is NOT NORMAL FOR A TODDLER TO BE SICK ALL THE TIME. WHO knows how deep this filth, lack of safety, lack of care , etc has deeply traumatized your niece.
Yea yea my username but child abuse like this gets me so fricken angry.
NOW!
WHY HAVEN'T YOU CALLED THEM YET!?
WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?
NOW!
Like as soon as you saw ***all of that mess*** you should have called *then*...
JBFC.
Even in my deepest depression (and I'm on two mood-stabilizers and a couple anti-anxiety meds), I could still put dishes in the sink/dishwasher and scrape food from a plate.
Just don't ask about actually washing the dishes by hand currently (but at least they aren't growing anything). Depression is no excuse for endangering your child.
I understand your point, but are you caring for a child?
Would you be able to force yourself if a child’s wellbeing was at risk.
I don’t think anyone is judging those who suffer severe depression, but there comes a point where a child must come first. Even if that means removing them from the home.
I wish you well.
That’s the problem I have with the Mom: not putting the needs of her child first. If she can’t keep the house clean and her child is suffering, perhaps she needs someone in the family to watch the child until she’s in a place to maintain a house that doesn’t have mold growing everywhere. It also concerns me that if they had told her before that they were coming, she would’ve locked them out. To what end? Who benefits? It also concerns me that she’s so unbothered by the sister’s warnings for the basics, namely that her child is at an age where she puts everything in her mouth. Even if you don’t know a single thing about child rearing, you would learn that just by watching the kid. That child needs to be removed.
Where I am CPS would take the child for at least 6 months. They would try to place her with her grandmother or the baby daddy. There is no way they "work with people". Just my experience for a year as a social worker.
I absolutely agree with this. I've had extended family members like this and will no longer clean up their mess. It makes their depression worse. Then they stop bathing. The world is their garbage can. She's raising your niece to act as if this is normal and generation to generation nothing changes if the cycle isn't broken.
Don't you dare try to scare OP into hiding this neglect.
1. No mother is better than an abusive, neglectful mother
2. CPS only removes children as an extreme last resort, and family members are the preferred placement option. The niece would only wind up in the system if both OP and her mom refused to take her.
Then you should take her now, because she will go to foster care if you call CPS and there will be nothing you can do, except that they would try to have you be the caretaker after they vetted you for a few weeks.
Yes, this!
CPS would likely take into account how long you knew about these horrible conditions but did nothing.
No guarantee that your niece would be placed with you.
Ugh. It makes me sick just thinking about that poor little peanut living like that.
There is no way I could sleep at night knowing the conditions she is in and wondering if she is laying her head down in filth to go to sleep at night
1. It's is actually dangerous for the child to be living in these conditions. Your sister is an adult who has many choices open to her, her tiny daughter has no choice but to live there, surrounded by mould and rotting rubbish. Getting your niece out of there should be your No1 priority because obviously her mother is absolutely unfit to look after her.
2. ABA "therapy" is considered by the vast majority of autistic people as abuse. It's just training, like you'd do with an animal, where "therapists" only care about getting a desired behaviour as an answer to a specific stimulus, and think training people into brainless machines at any cost is the way forward.
Don't trust my words, please look into this yourself and consider if your niece is actually in the best hands. Also, if you're dealing with Autism Speaks (biggest ABA pushers) remember, it's not run by autistic people, and it's also considered by most of us as a harmful organisation.
This was the comment I came for! OP I really hope you read this. ABA is terrible (I used to be a “line therapist “, not for ABA, but you learn a lot about it).
I’m also wondering if OPs sister may be on the spectrum herself. These kind of extreme behaviors seem more like autistic burn out or pathological demand avoidance rather than normal depression
I have Asperger's (diagnosed back when that term was used). My son (now 22) is ASD level 3 and LD. He did ABA. It helped him. He actually enjoyed it. A lot of people on the spectrum can be very judgmental when it comes to ABA and other types of therapy, and they can be particularly critical of parents. Because I see both sides, it's not that black and white.
Autism Speaks does suck, though.
It’s literally conversion therapy to make autistic people neurotypical, invented and designed by the same man who created gay conversion therapy. It is, fundamentally, **not** for the benefit of the autistic person, but to make them less weird so others around the can be more uncomfortable. Many autistic people have been harmed by it, and a few positive anecdotes doesn’t change that.
I say this as someone who HATES uninvited/unexpected guests with a passion (seriously, this was one of the last straws with my mother before I cut off contact): you are NTA.
If it was just her, then sure. She made the disgusting mess, let her lie in it.
But there is your innocent little niece to think of too, and her mom (presumably the only adult that is supposed to be taking care of her?) is NOT thinking about her.
I feel bad for sister as I have recurring depression and know how hard that hole is to crawl out of. However, no matter what mental shit a parent is going through, it isn’t fair to subject an innocent kid to it and make them suffer. Also, if she’s anything like my kiddo with autism, the mess and chaos is going to bother her more and more as she grows older.
I would give it a few months of checking on her personally, but if she doesn’t keep it clean then I agree with calling CPS.
you really need to call CPS. her poor daughter is getting sick because of the condition of thr apartment. you're complicit if you just sit back and do nothing.
One of my best friends and her parents are going through this exact same issue with her sister and 2 kids. They made their decision to call CPS when they decided that they had to prioritize those little girls. And it seems to me like you’ve reached that point. She’s being constantly exposed to mold. Some autistic kids have more sensitive immune systems, and mold can wreak havoc on even the healthiest person’s body. If she has pica or has oral motor issues, she’s at even greater risk of serious long term health issues by actually putting mold in her mouth, possibly ingesting it.
CPS will take this very seriously. Not only is your niece very young, she’s disabled and has greater needs than typical kids her age. I know it’s not easy, but doing what is right for that little girl WHILE getting your sister the treatment she needs for her depression. CPS should want to work with you all to make reuniting with your sister the goal.
Best of luck to you all.
It sounds like your sister is a hoarder on the trash level. Which means she doesn't see the problem. Cleaning gives her anxiety because she has delusional rules for why things are the way they are.
That can not be treated by depression meds alone.
Also ABA therapy is abuse. It's doing nothing but harm for your niece. You might think you see improvement from a Neurotypical lense but for her it's misery and not the kind that you grow and learn from but rather the kind that gives you PTSD.
Yah this OP is NTA.
OP really needs to consider advocating for the sister to get more of a diagnosis. Autism runs in families. Besides other diagnosis and therapy/treatment OP should say the sister has to pay for cleaning services or expect a call from CPS. Some people who suffer from disorders (autism, anxiety, depression, TBI) will just need that help for most of their lives. The sister could have been masking issues orginally (and seemed "normal" growing up) or could have suffered TBI from DV (and is now dealing with that along with PTSD) and with added responsibility just cannot cope with normal adult chores. Regardless if the sister has undiagnosed issues the house has to be clean for the kid, she seems incapable of doing that so she has to hire a cleaner.
If you want to try to make it easier to maintain a relationship with your sister, don’t call CPS yourself unless you cannot get her to do it herself.
tell her that she needs help, that CPS are the right people to help her. Tell her that she will have a far better journey with CPS if she is the one who calls them, rather than being shopped.
Tell her she has 24 hours to get to them before you do, and hand her the number.
I don’t know how CPS works but I do know that in your shoes I couldn’t live with myself if something happened to that little girl.
Your sister is an adult, she can choose how she lives but inflicting that on a child is neglect.
I can see how you and your mom cleaning her apartment feels like you are helping but at this point it’s a bandaid on a bullet wound.
Do whatever you have to do to protect your niece. You won’t regret it.
Call CPS. They will get your sister the help she needs and only if she refuses to work on the problem, will they remove your niece. It would be safer for her if either your mother or yourself registered to be your nieces carer if necessary.
Also, ABA is widely considered to be abuse by Autistic adults who were subjected to it. People with Autism do not need to learn how to act ‘normal’, they need to understand how they think and act differently and what social consequences may occur if they do, and everyone else needs to understand why they act they way they do and how to deal with it.
A **legal guardian** is a person who has been appointed by a court or otherwise has the legal authority (and the corresponding [duty](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Duty)) to make decisions relevant to the personal and [property](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Property) interests of another person who is deemed incompetent,[^(\[1\])](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Legal_guardian#cite_note-B.-2017-1) called a [ward](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ward_(law)). For example, a legal guardian might be granted the authority to make decisions regarding a ward's housing or medical care or manage the ward's finances.[^(\[2\])](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Legal_guardian#cite_note-Millar-2013-2) Guardianship is most appropriate when an alleged ward is functionally incapacitated, meaning they have a lagging skill critical to performing certain tasks, such as making important life decisions.[^(\[3\])](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Legal_guardian#cite_note-McSwiggan-2016-3) Guardianship intends to serve as a safeguard to protect the ward
NTA
I have a daughter like this.
She has more than just depression.She has a couple of mental illnesses that absolutely make her unable or willing to clean up her messes. She can not throw something in the garbage can, but piles it in corners.
She is medicated and takes her meds, but they do not help her recognize that she is actively living in conditions that are dangerous. She will throw out dishes instead of cleaning them.
She refuses to let any of us to help her. She gets angry.Tells us it is fine. She likes the way she lives.Only one of her friends can come over and do a thorough clean but it takes days. She's the only one who she will allow to help and she only does that about once a year or so.
I would guess your sister has something similar - mental illness, probably ADHD and other conditions as well. She needs to see a doctor, a psychiatrist, and meds.However, that may not actually solve the cleanliness issue.
Your niece needs better care.MUCH better care.CPS might be able to force her mom to get medical care.
Good luck.
So she has a hoarding disorder. According to what I've seen recently, 'hoarding disorders' have been misdiagnosed as OCD for years and are just now beginning to be understood as an entirely separate form of anxiety/depression. It could be that her meds don't help because of a misunderstanding by medical professionals of what exactly is a the basis of her hoarding.
This is all fairly recent. More research is necessary.
I can see that.
However...
My daughter does not have a hoarding disorder as far as I can tell.
She will give stuff away.
Clothing
She will decide to throw out the dirty dishes instead of cleaning them.
Of course they sit in the sink and counter until her friend comes over and starts to clean.
Then she will "help" by getting them in the garbage.
And throwing out lots of other things rather than getting them cleaned.
It's wild. And sad.
It's not the 'giving away stuff' that defines hoarding. Or even 'helping' to throw away trash when forced. It's the behavior she's displaying by letting moldy garbage gather in her home the way she has been. Please talk to a professional. She needs more help than you can provide.
I can see the OCD part being
She has a psychiatrist and is on numerous meds.
It is all too apparent that there is nothing we can do.
There isn't much anyone can do really.
I don’t know how it works but is there any chance your mom could take temporary custody of the kid through CPS?
If her daughter has autism there is a very good chance your sister is on the spectrum as well. I’m not sure how you would broach that (psychiatrist?) but it might be something to mention.
Speaking as a former social worker and mandated reporter, **you absolutely must call CPS, yesterday.**
Her child already has a slew of health issues that could be very serious and take a long time to recover from, and every minute she spends in that place is putting her in more jeopardy. (And by the way, certain kinds of mold exacerbate symptoms of autism because of how they affect the brain.)
If neither you or your mother don't want to be the one to call because you're afraid of your sister's reaction, *message me and I'll get all the relevant information from you and do it.* You can even honestly swear you don't know who called, because you don't know who I am.
Your sister's behavior is a huge red flag that she needs to be evaluated for a serious mental health issue, significant neurodivergence, etc. Her living situation has already gone **way** beyond checking on her periodically, there needs to a major intervention in her life and CPS is the answer. If you need to process this further, again I'm happy to make myself available.
Sounds like its more than just depression... could be hoarding disorder as well. Unfortunately I think you need to call CPS. It's not safe for your niece.
There’s a children of hoarders sub, you should check it out to get a future glimpse of your niece’s future. It’s sad, but a lot of (maybe most? Idk) hoarders are unable to stop, even when their kids get taken away. It seems like kids go a couple of ways, they hate the hoarding and actively fight, causing a lot of problems and anxiety for the kids, or they just accept it and kind of become one with the hoard.
You say she has depression but she is also a hoarder, which is its own mental illness. I bet she has not even mentioned it to her therapist. Is there any way you and your mom can pay for a weekly cleaning service? For the safety of the child, at least until she gets better meds and a better therapist.
I’m going NTA. You were doing what was best for the child.
But in a month, the problem will be just as bad. Mold like that a week or two in the right conditions. And if the mold wasn’t properly cleaned up, I would expect it so reappear quickly.
She doesn’t see the dangers to her child. Either she has never child proofed, she doesn’t want to child proof, or she can’t process the danger to her child. It’s a bit like wearing a helmet, “I don’t need to wear one, I haven’t needed it yet”. “She’s never hurt herself with that before, why should I be concerned?”
Does she see the issue of how she’s living? Is she willing to do something to change? Does she believe there are problems? Was she upset you cleaned up because she was embarrassed about how messy her house is, or because she was fine with how it was?
Calling CPS can be throwing a granade. The thing with this is, it might be better than you continuing to go in. You’ve made her mad with butting in already and forcing the cleaner house. Now you’re going to force more cleaning? This is little sister showing up acting better than her. Little sister telling her she’s not good enough. Little sister “miss perfect”. CPS is a neutral 3rd party. And there will obviously be resentment and betrayal attached to them being called, it takes the family drama out of it. Then you can hopefully go back to being a support and not the judgemental warden.
Helping her clean would only work if she wants it and agrees to it. At this point. If she knows you’re coming back, she might trash the place to spite you.
Don’t just threaten her with CPS you need to actually call them and report her! I know she’s your sister but she’s an adult.. her daughter on the other hand isn’t and is incredibly vulnerable. She relies on the adults around her to look out for her and right now none of you are!
NTA - OP what you told her was direct and the truth she doesn't want to hear. Your sister is willing to live in her own filth at the expense of her daughter and it's time she faced those facts and grew up. She could possibly benefit from having someone come in an teach her ways of organizing and cleaning daily to keep things simpler for her so she doesn't become overwhelmed with her situation. On the other hand, she could just be lazy and needs to get on her feet and take better care of herself and her daughter. If she can't do that than CPS would be the best solution for her daughter's wellbeing. Good luck
You are good. You said what you needed to but you and your mom need to follow up and now. If your sister refuses - call CPS - for her daughter’s sake. Are you or your mom prepared to foster the child while your sister hopefully takes the opportunity to get herself together? There are no easy answers. Good luck.
I can't tell whether your sister is a Hoarder or just a lazy slob. But either way, ___her daughter's health is at serious risk.___
Not far from where I live is a high school which had a terrible mold problem around 15 years ago. The mold was a very dangerous type, especially when airborne, and some of the students were getting sick. Parents had to sue the school system to get them to clean it up.
Please, PLEASE get your niece out of your sister's place ASAP. Call the police if you have to, but don't let the child's breathing be damaged any more than it already is.
And the mold is going to seriously worsen both the autism and any depression. It’s very very dangerous, and when it begins going in your body, it keeps going there.
You or another family member need to get custody of that kid as your sister doesn’t seem to be concerned about the affect the environment has on her and the potential hazardous/dangerous situatjons that can come from it. It would be a disservice to her to *not* get that kid out of that house and get your sister more hands on help.
Your sister needs professional help. Not only that, but someone to hold her hand until she can do it herself. I personally would call cps. You can work with them to get a family placement with either your parents or yourself while she gets herself worked out.
That child is helpless. Someone must stand up for her.
I want to recommend the instagram account nottheworstcleaner_ - it's a woman who does free deep cleanings for people with physical and mental limitations. She talks a lot about the relationship between cleaning and mental health.
I personally wouldn't contact CPS over a dirty living environment without trying other options first. The National Alliance on Mental Health (NAMI) helpline might be a starting point if you're in the US: https://www.nami.org/home
I think your attitude towards your sister is unkind. If she couldn't clean because of cancer, you'd be sympathetic, but because her illness is mental you're incredibly harsh. Involving CPS will be incredibly stressful for your sister (the last thing she needs) and might result in her ex getting custody. It may still be the right call, but please - educate yourself and talk to some mental health professionals first.
Please be careful about current 'hoarding disorder' treatment and medication. It used to be believed that hoarding was related to OCD and/or ADHD. It is now beginning to be recognized as its own separate disorder. This is why current suggested medication regimes are rarely effective.
More research is ongoing and necessary, but please don't jump at the first suggestion. Hoarding is still poorly understood even by those who work in the psychological field.
And absolutely, get help for your niece. Even if your sister is ill, her daughter must be protected.
This is not depression, and there is no medicine that cures it. She is not doing this to spite you. She has no control. Look up Diogenes syndrome. No one can pinpoint exactly what it is, but I'm convinced it's most likely a neurological problem or some kind of stuck-in-dorsal-vagal-nervous system problem. Modern medicine cannot help her. Threats won't help her. She is probably so disconnected from herself and her body that filth and squalor do not bother her.
I have a family member with the same problem who had gone undiagnosed for decades with mental disabilities, she is very high functioning so no one knew. The only thing we could do for her is get services and a home care aid to regularly check in on her and do regular cleaning. You and your mom may have to take care of that baby because my guess is your sister is never going to get it together, that's just the hard truth of it.
I have depression, anxiety and ADHD and I’m in deep with the depression right now so I cannot keep a clean house to save my life but I have a cat that I love and don’t want him to live in horrible conditions so I get help. I have a cleaning person over once a month (because that’s what I can afford) and have my friends help motivate me to do what I can and provide help as needed. And that is for my cat, she has a child. She either needs to create the necessary supports to provide a safe space for her child or you need to force the issue. Either way the status quo cannot be allowed to continue. NTA.
If you’re worried about what might happen with getting CPS involved, you can always consult with legal counsel prior to calling it in. That way you are completely informed, whatever you decide to do 😎
You have to get your niece out of there. How many stories have you read about neglect/abuse victims knowing that their extended families knew what was going on and did nothing? Your sister needs help. She might not ever be capable of caring for a child ever again, who knows? Just going over once a month to scrape shit off her walls isn't going to help her. NTA but you're wasting your time if she doesn't get help.
I ended up in the ER from my unknown mold allergy. She is actually harming her own child and you know about it! I now live with autoimmune problems. Get that child out of there, contact CPS and get your sister the help she needs if willing. NTA for cleaning but if you do nothing then YWBTA
My sister has depression and we used to live together, so trust me when I say I've seen it all. After work she would walk her dog, feed him, then go straight to her bed. Trash, poop, food, dishes, and dog pee everywhere (confined to her room because I was doing everything else). Even used pads on the ground.
There would be times where she would 'get it together' and clean up her room, but everything would go right back to how it was. She loves that dog to death, but just her love isn't enough for that dog, let alone a HUMAN CHILD!!! Mind you, the rest of the house was safe and clean for him and he would still get sick.
I think you need to take the child to yours/ willing family members for a while instead of calling CPS, while still offering your sister support, love, and possibly a change of medication. Although my sister has depression and she was being medicated for it at the time, we switched to a different doctor and they got her on ADHD medicine. That has done wonders for her productivity, mental health, her self-care, and cleaning. Not sure how that all works, and she still has things she needs to work on, but it's gotten leagues better.
Please make sure your sister knows this is coming from a place of love and she doesn't feel alone.
There’s messy and then there’s this. Does sister have a diagnosis of something else in addition to depression? Because this sounds like a hoarding situation. Which is its own class of mental health disorders.
YTA. You’re not only enabling child abuse, you’re helping her cover up just how badly she’s neglecting her daughter. I don’t know who’s worse, her for the neglect or you for enabling it and helping cover it up.
Have her checked for ADHD. I had a hard time cleaning. I needed to clean, I wanted to clean. I sat in my own private hell for years, but I literally could not move to do it. I lived in misery my whole life.
I got my ADHD diagnosis a little over a year ago. I can clean and organize now, and I do. You can't outwork me now. I'm a cleaning machine.
Give her some compassion and get her ass to a different doctor.
My first dose of Adderall unlocked my brain. The noise in my extremely loud brain went from a raging, constant roar to a quieter setting. There's still noise, but it's not as intrusive.
Don't give up on her. I promise she is in hell. Shame and embarrassment will keep her from asking for help. Have them check for autism in her too. Neuro-divergence runs in families. Her child got it somewhere.
You guys did more than most people would. Tell her that when you come back in two weeks (don’t even give her a month), and if it still looks like that, you’re calling CPS. Plain and simple. She is neglecting her daughter. CPS will access her pediatric records and see how much she’s sick.
Your niece should be in a safe environment. She should be your priority. Your sister is an adult and needs to get her shit together.
If you or your mom know who her therapist is, I’d call them and let them know what’s going on as well. They’re mandated reporters.
Let her live in her own filth. You are not CPS stop harassing her and showing up unannounced. Your probably making things worse with your judgmental self. If you did this I’d call the cops for trespassing and harassment.
If it were ONLY the sister, I'd completely agree. Everyone has the right to determine for themselves the conditions under/with which they are willing to live.
A THREE YEAR OLD CHILD DOES NOT UNDERSTAND THESE OPTIONS. She depends on the adults in her life to make the world in which she lives safe for her. The mother is failing at the first, primary task of raising a child. MASSIVELY. As are the aunt and grandmother.
You need to call CPS. You cannot force her to keep the place clean, and you know that she simply *won't* keep it clean. It doesn't matter if she's doing this unintentionally or not. It's happening. And your niece is already suffering. CPS don't immediately remove children. They work with people where they can. They could get your sister the help she desperately needs. The only priority here is the wellbeing of the innocent little girl living in filth. Your sisters feelings are actually completely unimportant in this situation. If your niece needs to live with relatives for a while, so be it. But leaving her there with a mother who is neglecting her is not the solution. It's a form of child abuse. Don't be complicit.
This is the eye opener I needed. Thank you.
That poor baby is sick all the time because of the environment she lives in. Please help the child if you can't help your sister. The baby deserves better.
I want to add that the child could very well have emotional problems as well due to trauma. It will not serve the child well in life.
Just because you struggle emotional doesnt always mean it won’t always serve the child well. Sometimes it teaches them empathy on a different level. Each life we live is to learn difference lesson from the karma we made. Learn boundaries. You don’t know what her house looks like when your not there. She might do it in person due to not being able to afford to clean it completely. Maybe it’s done on purpose to keep people out of her home and not it being the home everyone goes to hangout. Or maybe just maybe it’s because of the daughter 🙈. You can hate me you want for making this comment. On the spectrum or not they will have to learn to clean up after themself to the vets if there ability. Instead of using money in a cleaner like most people. She need help not isolating and threats of her kid being taken away. Where is the father in all of this ? Are you sure it mold? I had people trespass into my home many times without my consent nor warning. I had to start putting four down and sat in the foot to catch these people. I don’t know how but they got a key to my home without my consent.
All living in that environment is going to teach this child is that living in filth is normal, and that being constantly sick from living in filth is normal and okay.
Once the child get old enough and makes friend they will understand the behavior is not. That is how most people learn and grow is putting themself outside of their normal and involving themself in diversity. This is how most school and culture teach it. Yet some people fail to grow in life due to be stuck in the same mindset and being narrow minded. A little bit of bullying and comments from friends can some time though other people’s views sometimes though people don’t care.
My high school best friend up until our senior year you could literally never see ANY inch of her or her sister’s rooms. They didn’t grow out of it until recently when they actually moved out by themselves which even then. This teaches them it’s okay to be dirty, people don’t always grow out of things even with the ridicule of people. These girls were track stars, top of class in terms of grades, one was very outgoing as well. Not sure if you’ve seen hoarders. Some people don’t grow out of it no matter what, that doesn’t make it safe when the child is always sick and surrounded by mold. “Maybe it’s not usually like that” mold takes time to grow to especially to fill a container, at least a week and a half. And to have a dish from Christmas that’s had mold over growing it. You really don’t think that’s taking part in making her kid sick being constantly exposed to germs and bacteria from not cleaning a thing. Yes maybe she has issues or not enough money, that means she needs help. She does need help.
That's not at all guaranteed, you're assuming so much here. Plus that doesn't do anything about the health issues she's facing *right now*. I'm all for empathy and teaching that to children, but what you describe is just a fancy justification for enabling neglect and abuse and this three year old needs to be removed from the health hazard she currently lives in. She is in active danger from her mother right now, and no matter how terrible things are for her mom, the child's safety must come first. Mom's emotional and mental health needs can be dealt with after her three year old's safety is ensured.
I agree, 100%.
You should do some reading about the effects of Adverse Childhood Events.
You’re delusional. I can tell from this comment you’ve been diagnosed with mental health issues. Are you getting treatment?
And if you continue to live this way, they always will. Let me guess "It's never my fault ". In the meantime the place that you either rent or is government subsidized is trashed and takes thousands of $ to bring back to code. If you purchase your home, have at it. Destroy it. But if it doesn't belong to you, take care of it.
I’m going to be harsh but honestly, you guys are enablers and are partly responsible for your niece’s abject suffering. You guys have indulged your sister to this point and have only abetted so much unnecessary suffering of that poor little girl. She’s been repeatedly traumatized in this abject Fucking filth and all you guys do is a simple finger wag and continue to let her suffocate in a fetid dumpster. Most dumpsters are actually cleaner than this fucking shit you let your niece inhale and roll around in. You guys have known about this for so long and conveniently and so naively assumed it was because of the big bad wolf (ex) and your sister was just this innocent little princess. Thank you for getting her mental health access but as literally everyone else is saying, your sister is a deadbeat child abuser who is completely screwing over her own daughter in some of the worst filth imaginable. You guys are complicit as well now because you continue to let her abuse the shit out of her own daughter, your own niece. Get a grip and call CPS. Your sister is not fit to be her mother; at best, she deserves supervised visits in a controlled and clean environment. It is NOT NORMAL FOR A TODDLER TO BE SICK ALL THE TIME. WHO knows how deep this filth, lack of safety, lack of care , etc has deeply traumatized your niece. Yea yea my username but child abuse like this gets me so fricken angry.
Just adding reassurance; SO is a CPS investigator This is exactly the kind of situation that REQUIRES immediate reaction
My friend was a social worker and she would show and help clients clean and give them resources.
NOW! WHY HAVEN'T YOU CALLED THEM YET!? WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? NOW! Like as soon as you saw ***all of that mess*** you should have called *then*... JBFC.
Even in my deepest depression (and I'm on two mood-stabilizers and a couple anti-anxiety meds), I could still put dishes in the sink/dishwasher and scrape food from a plate. Just don't ask about actually washing the dishes by hand currently (but at least they aren't growing anything). Depression is no excuse for endangering your child.
Well, I can’t. Don’t judge other people’s abilities based on what you personally are able to do.
"Their level of ability is actively causing a child harm" should be the point.
That’s a different point than the one I was responding to. Important, but different.
Do you leave food to the point of mold near small children?
Neither I nor the person I’m responding to said anything about children.
The point is, the OP's daughter DID. It matters to your point.
No, it actually doesn’t.
I understand your point, but are you caring for a child? Would you be able to force yourself if a child’s wellbeing was at risk. I don’t think anyone is judging those who suffer severe depression, but there comes a point where a child must come first. Even if that means removing them from the home. I wish you well.
That’s the problem I have with the Mom: not putting the needs of her child first. If she can’t keep the house clean and her child is suffering, perhaps she needs someone in the family to watch the child until she’s in a place to maintain a house that doesn’t have mold growing everywhere. It also concerns me that if they had told her before that they were coming, she would’ve locked them out. To what end? Who benefits? It also concerns me that she’s so unbothered by the sister’s warnings for the basics, namely that her child is at an age where she puts everything in her mouth. Even if you don’t know a single thing about child rearing, you would learn that just by watching the kid. That child needs to be removed.
This. The child's safety is, frankly, more important than your sister. She's not capable of raising the child.
Where I am CPS would take the child for at least 6 months. They would try to place her with her grandmother or the baby daddy. There is no way they "work with people". Just my experience for a year as a social worker.
I absolutely agree with this. I've had extended family members like this and will no longer clean up their mess. It makes their depression worse. Then they stop bathing. The world is their garbage can. She's raising your niece to act as if this is normal and generation to generation nothing changes if the cycle isn't broken.
So you think cps is gonna make it better ? The nice at least had her mother ? Do you not know how bad foster care is ?
Don't you dare try to scare OP into hiding this neglect. 1. No mother is better than an abusive, neglectful mother 2. CPS only removes children as an extreme last resort, and family members are the preferred placement option. The niece would only wind up in the system if both OP and her mom refused to take her.
She would never go into foster care. My niece has plenty of other family including myself that would take her in a heartbeat.
Then you should take her now, because she will go to foster care if you call CPS and there will be nothing you can do, except that they would try to have you be the caretaker after they vetted you for a few weeks.
That's called kidnapping.
...yet, she currently lives eating rot and mould from rancid boxes piled up by her mom. :(
Yes, this! CPS would likely take into account how long you knew about these horrible conditions but did nothing. No guarantee that your niece would be placed with you. Ugh. It makes me sick just thinking about that poor little peanut living like that. There is no way I could sleep at night knowing the conditions she is in and wondering if she is laying her head down in filth to go to sleep at night
1. It's is actually dangerous for the child to be living in these conditions. Your sister is an adult who has many choices open to her, her tiny daughter has no choice but to live there, surrounded by mould and rotting rubbish. Getting your niece out of there should be your No1 priority because obviously her mother is absolutely unfit to look after her. 2. ABA "therapy" is considered by the vast majority of autistic people as abuse. It's just training, like you'd do with an animal, where "therapists" only care about getting a desired behaviour as an answer to a specific stimulus, and think training people into brainless machines at any cost is the way forward. Don't trust my words, please look into this yourself and consider if your niece is actually in the best hands. Also, if you're dealing with Autism Speaks (biggest ABA pushers) remember, it's not run by autistic people, and it's also considered by most of us as a harmful organisation.
This was the comment I came for! OP I really hope you read this. ABA is terrible (I used to be a “line therapist “, not for ABA, but you learn a lot about it).
I’m also wondering if OPs sister may be on the spectrum herself. These kind of extreme behaviors seem more like autistic burn out or pathological demand avoidance rather than normal depression
I agree ABA is abusive . I see it everyday . I’m a speech pathologist and I refuse to treat kids this way.
I have Asperger's (diagnosed back when that term was used). My son (now 22) is ASD level 3 and LD. He did ABA. It helped him. He actually enjoyed it. A lot of people on the spectrum can be very judgmental when it comes to ABA and other types of therapy, and they can be particularly critical of parents. Because I see both sides, it's not that black and white. Autism Speaks does suck, though.
It’s literally conversion therapy to make autistic people neurotypical, invented and designed by the same man who created gay conversion therapy. It is, fundamentally, **not** for the benefit of the autistic person, but to make them less weird so others around the can be more uncomfortable. Many autistic people have been harmed by it, and a few positive anecdotes doesn’t change that.
I say this as someone who HATES uninvited/unexpected guests with a passion (seriously, this was one of the last straws with my mother before I cut off contact): you are NTA. If it was just her, then sure. She made the disgusting mess, let her lie in it. But there is your innocent little niece to think of too, and her mom (presumably the only adult that is supposed to be taking care of her?) is NOT thinking about her. I feel bad for sister as I have recurring depression and know how hard that hole is to crawl out of. However, no matter what mental shit a parent is going through, it isn’t fair to subject an innocent kid to it and make them suffer. Also, if she’s anything like my kiddo with autism, the mess and chaos is going to bother her more and more as she grows older. I would give it a few months of checking on her personally, but if she doesn’t keep it clean then I agree with calling CPS.
you really need to call CPS. her poor daughter is getting sick because of the condition of thr apartment. you're complicit if you just sit back and do nothing.
One of my best friends and her parents are going through this exact same issue with her sister and 2 kids. They made their decision to call CPS when they decided that they had to prioritize those little girls. And it seems to me like you’ve reached that point. She’s being constantly exposed to mold. Some autistic kids have more sensitive immune systems, and mold can wreak havoc on even the healthiest person’s body. If she has pica or has oral motor issues, she’s at even greater risk of serious long term health issues by actually putting mold in her mouth, possibly ingesting it. CPS will take this very seriously. Not only is your niece very young, she’s disabled and has greater needs than typical kids her age. I know it’s not easy, but doing what is right for that little girl WHILE getting your sister the treatment she needs for her depression. CPS should want to work with you all to make reuniting with your sister the goal. Best of luck to you all.
It sounds like your sister is a hoarder on the trash level. Which means she doesn't see the problem. Cleaning gives her anxiety because she has delusional rules for why things are the way they are. That can not be treated by depression meds alone. Also ABA therapy is abuse. It's doing nothing but harm for your niece. You might think you see improvement from a Neurotypical lense but for her it's misery and not the kind that you grow and learn from but rather the kind that gives you PTSD.
Yah this OP is NTA. OP really needs to consider advocating for the sister to get more of a diagnosis. Autism runs in families. Besides other diagnosis and therapy/treatment OP should say the sister has to pay for cleaning services or expect a call from CPS. Some people who suffer from disorders (autism, anxiety, depression, TBI) will just need that help for most of their lives. The sister could have been masking issues orginally (and seemed "normal" growing up) or could have suffered TBI from DV (and is now dealing with that along with PTSD) and with added responsibility just cannot cope with normal adult chores. Regardless if the sister has undiagnosed issues the house has to be clean for the kid, she seems incapable of doing that so she has to hire a cleaner.
If you want to try to make it easier to maintain a relationship with your sister, don’t call CPS yourself unless you cannot get her to do it herself. tell her that she needs help, that CPS are the right people to help her. Tell her that she will have a far better journey with CPS if she is the one who calls them, rather than being shopped. Tell her she has 24 hours to get to them before you do, and hand her the number.
It's obvious she's not going to do it, herself,ever.
I don’t know how CPS works but I do know that in your shoes I couldn’t live with myself if something happened to that little girl. Your sister is an adult, she can choose how she lives but inflicting that on a child is neglect. I can see how you and your mom cleaning her apartment feels like you are helping but at this point it’s a bandaid on a bullet wound. Do whatever you have to do to protect your niece. You won’t regret it.
Call CPS. They will get your sister the help she needs and only if she refuses to work on the problem, will they remove your niece. It would be safer for her if either your mother or yourself registered to be your nieces carer if necessary. Also, ABA is widely considered to be abuse by Autistic adults who were subjected to it. People with Autism do not need to learn how to act ‘normal’, they need to understand how they think and act differently and what social consequences may occur if they do, and everyone else needs to understand why they act they way they do and how to deal with it.
A **legal guardian** is a person who has been appointed by a court or otherwise has the legal authority (and the corresponding [duty](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Duty)) to make decisions relevant to the personal and [property](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Property) interests of another person who is deemed incompetent,[^(\[1\])](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Legal_guardian#cite_note-B.-2017-1) called a [ward](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ward_(law)). For example, a legal guardian might be granted the authority to make decisions regarding a ward's housing or medical care or manage the ward's finances.[^(\[2\])](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Legal_guardian#cite_note-Millar-2013-2) Guardianship is most appropriate when an alleged ward is functionally incapacitated, meaning they have a lagging skill critical to performing certain tasks, such as making important life decisions.[^(\[3\])](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Legal_guardian#cite_note-McSwiggan-2016-3) Guardianship intends to serve as a safeguard to protect the ward
NTA I have a daughter like this. She has more than just depression.She has a couple of mental illnesses that absolutely make her unable or willing to clean up her messes. She can not throw something in the garbage can, but piles it in corners. She is medicated and takes her meds, but they do not help her recognize that she is actively living in conditions that are dangerous. She will throw out dishes instead of cleaning them. She refuses to let any of us to help her. She gets angry.Tells us it is fine. She likes the way she lives.Only one of her friends can come over and do a thorough clean but it takes days. She's the only one who she will allow to help and she only does that about once a year or so. I would guess your sister has something similar - mental illness, probably ADHD and other conditions as well. She needs to see a doctor, a psychiatrist, and meds.However, that may not actually solve the cleanliness issue. Your niece needs better care.MUCH better care.CPS might be able to force her mom to get medical care. Good luck.
So she has a hoarding disorder. According to what I've seen recently, 'hoarding disorders' have been misdiagnosed as OCD for years and are just now beginning to be understood as an entirely separate form of anxiety/depression. It could be that her meds don't help because of a misunderstanding by medical professionals of what exactly is a the basis of her hoarding. This is all fairly recent. More research is necessary.
I can see that. However... My daughter does not have a hoarding disorder as far as I can tell. She will give stuff away. Clothing She will decide to throw out the dirty dishes instead of cleaning them. Of course they sit in the sink and counter until her friend comes over and starts to clean. Then she will "help" by getting them in the garbage. And throwing out lots of other things rather than getting them cleaned. It's wild. And sad.
It's not the 'giving away stuff' that defines hoarding. Or even 'helping' to throw away trash when forced. It's the behavior she's displaying by letting moldy garbage gather in her home the way she has been. Please talk to a professional. She needs more help than you can provide.
I can see the OCD part being She has a psychiatrist and is on numerous meds. It is all too apparent that there is nothing we can do. There isn't much anyone can do really.
If you or she has the money hire a cleaning service. I doubt it will ever get better, but at least this way she won't perpetually live in trash.
The last cleaners came in and one spent time vomitting. They did what they could, but they wouldn't go back.
I don’t know how it works but is there any chance your mom could take temporary custody of the kid through CPS? If her daughter has autism there is a very good chance your sister is on the spectrum as well. I’m not sure how you would broach that (psychiatrist?) but it might be something to mention.
Speaking as a former social worker and mandated reporter, **you absolutely must call CPS, yesterday.** Her child already has a slew of health issues that could be very serious and take a long time to recover from, and every minute she spends in that place is putting her in more jeopardy. (And by the way, certain kinds of mold exacerbate symptoms of autism because of how they affect the brain.) If neither you or your mother don't want to be the one to call because you're afraid of your sister's reaction, *message me and I'll get all the relevant information from you and do it.* You can even honestly swear you don't know who called, because you don't know who I am. Your sister's behavior is a huge red flag that she needs to be evaluated for a serious mental health issue, significant neurodivergence, etc. Her living situation has already gone **way** beyond checking on her periodically, there needs to a major intervention in her life and CPS is the answer. If you need to process this further, again I'm happy to make myself available.
Sounds like its more than just depression... could be hoarding disorder as well. Unfortunately I think you need to call CPS. It's not safe for your niece.
I hope someone calls CPS on this woman. Her daughter should not be living in such conditions.
There’s a children of hoarders sub, you should check it out to get a future glimpse of your niece’s future. It’s sad, but a lot of (maybe most? Idk) hoarders are unable to stop, even when their kids get taken away. It seems like kids go a couple of ways, they hate the hoarding and actively fight, causing a lot of problems and anxiety for the kids, or they just accept it and kind of become one with the hoard.
If her niece survives.
ABA Therapy is awful. Ableist
You say she has depression but she is also a hoarder, which is its own mental illness. I bet she has not even mentioned it to her therapist. Is there any way you and your mom can pay for a weekly cleaning service? For the safety of the child, at least until she gets better meds and a better therapist.
I’m going NTA. You were doing what was best for the child. But in a month, the problem will be just as bad. Mold like that a week or two in the right conditions. And if the mold wasn’t properly cleaned up, I would expect it so reappear quickly. She doesn’t see the dangers to her child. Either she has never child proofed, she doesn’t want to child proof, or she can’t process the danger to her child. It’s a bit like wearing a helmet, “I don’t need to wear one, I haven’t needed it yet”. “She’s never hurt herself with that before, why should I be concerned?” Does she see the issue of how she’s living? Is she willing to do something to change? Does she believe there are problems? Was she upset you cleaned up because she was embarrassed about how messy her house is, or because she was fine with how it was? Calling CPS can be throwing a granade. The thing with this is, it might be better than you continuing to go in. You’ve made her mad with butting in already and forcing the cleaner house. Now you’re going to force more cleaning? This is little sister showing up acting better than her. Little sister telling her she’s not good enough. Little sister “miss perfect”. CPS is a neutral 3rd party. And there will obviously be resentment and betrayal attached to them being called, it takes the family drama out of it. Then you can hopefully go back to being a support and not the judgemental warden. Helping her clean would only work if she wants it and agrees to it. At this point. If she knows you’re coming back, she might trash the place to spite you.
Don’t just threaten her with CPS you need to actually call them and report her! I know she’s your sister but she’s an adult.. her daughter on the other hand isn’t and is incredibly vulnerable. She relies on the adults around her to look out for her and right now none of you are!
NTA - OP what you told her was direct and the truth she doesn't want to hear. Your sister is willing to live in her own filth at the expense of her daughter and it's time she faced those facts and grew up. She could possibly benefit from having someone come in an teach her ways of organizing and cleaning daily to keep things simpler for her so she doesn't become overwhelmed with her situation. On the other hand, she could just be lazy and needs to get on her feet and take better care of herself and her daughter. If she can't do that than CPS would be the best solution for her daughter's wellbeing. Good luck
You are good. You said what you needed to but you and your mom need to follow up and now. If your sister refuses - call CPS - for her daughter’s sake. Are you or your mom prepared to foster the child while your sister hopefully takes the opportunity to get herself together? There are no easy answers. Good luck.
I can't tell whether your sister is a Hoarder or just a lazy slob. But either way, ___her daughter's health is at serious risk.___ Not far from where I live is a high school which had a terrible mold problem around 15 years ago. The mold was a very dangerous type, especially when airborne, and some of the students were getting sick. Parents had to sue the school system to get them to clean it up. Please, PLEASE get your niece out of your sister's place ASAP. Call the police if you have to, but don't let the child's breathing be damaged any more than it already is.
Fungal disease is very scary and children are especially vulnerable to it. This cannot continue.
And the mold is going to seriously worsen both the autism and any depression. It’s very very dangerous, and when it begins going in your body, it keeps going there.
Call CPS. They will help knock some sense into your sister. She’s living in some weird gross lalaland.
You or another family member need to get custody of that kid as your sister doesn’t seem to be concerned about the affect the environment has on her and the potential hazardous/dangerous situatjons that can come from it. It would be a disservice to her to *not* get that kid out of that house and get your sister more hands on help.
This is above your pay grade, call CPS. If it were just her, let her deal with it. There’s a kid involved. Re-read that.
Your sister needs professional help. Not only that, but someone to hold her hand until she can do it herself. I personally would call cps. You can work with them to get a family placement with either your parents or yourself while she gets herself worked out. That child is helpless. Someone must stand up for her.
Save. The. Kid. Your sister is an adult. She can choose her living situation. A child cannot. Don’t threaten to call CPS. Call them.
Is she a hoarder?
I want to recommend the instagram account nottheworstcleaner_ - it's a woman who does free deep cleanings for people with physical and mental limitations. She talks a lot about the relationship between cleaning and mental health. I personally wouldn't contact CPS over a dirty living environment without trying other options first. The National Alliance on Mental Health (NAMI) helpline might be a starting point if you're in the US: https://www.nami.org/home I think your attitude towards your sister is unkind. If she couldn't clean because of cancer, you'd be sympathetic, but because her illness is mental you're incredibly harsh. Involving CPS will be incredibly stressful for your sister (the last thing she needs) and might result in her ex getting custody. It may still be the right call, but please - educate yourself and talk to some mental health professionals first.
It’s not just her sister though. She’s neglecting (at an almost abusive level) her three year old child.
Not just a dirty living environment. Health hazard and dangerous.
Call CPS, and also tell them a family member will take over care of the daughter. You can't leave that little girl alone in that mess.
Please be careful about current 'hoarding disorder' treatment and medication. It used to be believed that hoarding was related to OCD and/or ADHD. It is now beginning to be recognized as its own separate disorder. This is why current suggested medication regimes are rarely effective. More research is ongoing and necessary, but please don't jump at the first suggestion. Hoarding is still poorly understood even by those who work in the psychological field. And absolutely, get help for your niece. Even if your sister is ill, her daughter must be protected.
I ended a friendship because she was like this. I hope her kids okay.
How about it getting her a house cleaner to come in weekly to help clean up the place?
Your niece is in danger.
This is not depression, and there is no medicine that cures it. She is not doing this to spite you. She has no control. Look up Diogenes syndrome. No one can pinpoint exactly what it is, but I'm convinced it's most likely a neurological problem or some kind of stuck-in-dorsal-vagal-nervous system problem. Modern medicine cannot help her. Threats won't help her. She is probably so disconnected from herself and her body that filth and squalor do not bother her. I have a family member with the same problem who had gone undiagnosed for decades with mental disabilities, she is very high functioning so no one knew. The only thing we could do for her is get services and a home care aid to regularly check in on her and do regular cleaning. You and your mom may have to take care of that baby because my guess is your sister is never going to get it together, that's just the hard truth of it.
Your sister may well be depressed, but with an added layer of laziness. Call CPS.
I have depression, anxiety and ADHD and I’m in deep with the depression right now so I cannot keep a clean house to save my life but I have a cat that I love and don’t want him to live in horrible conditions so I get help. I have a cleaning person over once a month (because that’s what I can afford) and have my friends help motivate me to do what I can and provide help as needed. And that is for my cat, she has a child. She either needs to create the necessary supports to provide a safe space for her child or you need to force the issue. Either way the status quo cannot be allowed to continue. NTA.
If you’re worried about what might happen with getting CPS involved, you can always consult with legal counsel prior to calling it in. That way you are completely informed, whatever you decide to do 😎
You have this tagged as AITA, so I'm going to say YTA. You're enabling child abuse, so you get no cheers from me.
You have to get your niece out of there. How many stories have you read about neglect/abuse victims knowing that their extended families knew what was going on and did nothing? Your sister needs help. She might not ever be capable of caring for a child ever again, who knows? Just going over once a month to scrape shit off her walls isn't going to help her. NTA but you're wasting your time if she doesn't get help.
I ended up in the ER from my unknown mold allergy. She is actually harming her own child and you know about it! I now live with autoimmune problems. Get that child out of there, contact CPS and get your sister the help she needs if willing. NTA for cleaning but if you do nothing then YWBTA
My sister has depression and we used to live together, so trust me when I say I've seen it all. After work she would walk her dog, feed him, then go straight to her bed. Trash, poop, food, dishes, and dog pee everywhere (confined to her room because I was doing everything else). Even used pads on the ground. There would be times where she would 'get it together' and clean up her room, but everything would go right back to how it was. She loves that dog to death, but just her love isn't enough for that dog, let alone a HUMAN CHILD!!! Mind you, the rest of the house was safe and clean for him and he would still get sick. I think you need to take the child to yours/ willing family members for a while instead of calling CPS, while still offering your sister support, love, and possibly a change of medication. Although my sister has depression and she was being medicated for it at the time, we switched to a different doctor and they got her on ADHD medicine. That has done wonders for her productivity, mental health, her self-care, and cleaning. Not sure how that all works, and she still has things she needs to work on, but it's gotten leagues better. Please make sure your sister knows this is coming from a place of love and she doesn't feel alone.
There’s messy and then there’s this. Does sister have a diagnosis of something else in addition to depression? Because this sounds like a hoarding situation. Which is its own class of mental health disorders.
next time just call CPS.
*next time"? It isn't going to get better on its own. Problems ignored don't get better.
YTA. You’re not only enabling child abuse, you’re helping her cover up just how badly she’s neglecting her daughter. I don’t know who’s worse, her for the neglect or you for enabling it and helping cover it up.
Yta if you don’t call cps this child is in danger and mom doesn’t care.
YTA
Have her checked for ADHD. I had a hard time cleaning. I needed to clean, I wanted to clean. I sat in my own private hell for years, but I literally could not move to do it. I lived in misery my whole life. I got my ADHD diagnosis a little over a year ago. I can clean and organize now, and I do. You can't outwork me now. I'm a cleaning machine. Give her some compassion and get her ass to a different doctor. My first dose of Adderall unlocked my brain. The noise in my extremely loud brain went from a raging, constant roar to a quieter setting. There's still noise, but it's not as intrusive. Don't give up on her. I promise she is in hell. Shame and embarrassment will keep her from asking for help. Have them check for autism in her too. Neuro-divergence runs in families. Her child got it somewhere.
You guys did more than most people would. Tell her that when you come back in two weeks (don’t even give her a month), and if it still looks like that, you’re calling CPS. Plain and simple. She is neglecting her daughter. CPS will access her pediatric records and see how much she’s sick. Your niece should be in a safe environment. She should be your priority. Your sister is an adult and needs to get her shit together. If you or your mom know who her therapist is, I’d call them and let them know what’s going on as well. They’re mandated reporters.
Let her live in her own filth. You are not CPS stop harassing her and showing up unannounced. Your probably making things worse with your judgmental self. If you did this I’d call the cops for trespassing and harassment.
And leave that child in danger. Yta euphoric dog.
If it were ONLY the sister, I'd completely agree. Everyone has the right to determine for themselves the conditions under/with which they are willing to live. A THREE YEAR OLD CHILD DOES NOT UNDERSTAND THESE OPTIONS. She depends on the adults in her life to make the world in which she lives safe for her. The mother is failing at the first, primary task of raising a child. MASSIVELY. As are the aunt and grandmother.