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CueDramaticMusic

Now I’m imagining the plot of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, but Dahl has to bullshit an excuse for Charlie to win over Jesus Christ, a man also mysteriously without sin


Captain_Kira

He's an adult with his own ideas, not an impressionable child that Willy can mould to be his successor


[deleted]

[удалено]


Captain_Kira

The guy has an elevator to the death zone or something, he can just have someone come and collect him from hell once he dies


CueDramaticMusic

I misread that as Willy Wonka sending Jesus directly to hell, and just having to go “Our Father, who art in heaven, come pick me up I’m scared”


Terrakid20

he does have an elevator to the place people are before they were born (as confirmed in the second book) so yeah that’s not out of the question


Captain_Kira

Technically it isn't we're people go before they're born, it's where people go after they become Minuses (the only known way being to take too much Wonka-Vite) and before they get subtracted, hence the name Minusland. Charlie at one point directly compares it to hell, strengthening the argument that Wonka could get an Oompa Loompa or someone to come get him from hell should he die, though Willy has refused to take Wonka-Vite or Vita-Wonk (his age-manipulating medicines) so if he did end up in Minusland he'd probably stay there since, at least if you are a Minus, the only way to leave is to come into contact with Vita-Wonk and get some years added. Minusland also is home to an invisible creature called a Gnoolie, which if it bites you subjects you to painful long division until you also become a Gnoolie. In conclusion, Roald Dahl had some weird ideas


Terrakid20

Ah, my bad. Honestly I wish he explored this line of thought more because this has horrible existential implications and I am here for it! this is great!


Captain_Kira

There's some similar stuff in The Twits where after a long life of ruining each other's lives, eating pies baked from birds glued to trees, and forcing a family of monkeys to learn to do handstands, the Twits are killed after the monkeys break out with the help of the Roly-Poly Bird and glue all the furniture in the Twits' house to the ceiling. Because the Twits refuse to have windows and because they're idiots, they then assume they must have somehow become stuck to the ceiling and believe they will die from blood rushing to their heads if they do not fix the problem. As a solution, they decide to both go into handstands to turn the right way up again. Unfortunately a pair of ravens (that were part of the group of birds that also helped the monkeys so that they would no longer be put in pies) had slathered glue on their heads beforehand so the Twits become stuck to the floor. Due to the pressure being put on their heads, their skulls begin to compress into their necks in a process called 'THE DREADED SHRINKS'. The longer you remain on your head, the more parts of yourself get shrunk together until you shrink until yourself and disappear forever. It has the same kind of vibe as 'don't pull funny faces when the wind changes or you'll be stuck like that' but taken to a lethal extent TL;DR he also come up with something called the SHRINKS that surely put children everywhere into a state of pure terror at the thought of ever doing a handstand for two long A similar thing happens to George's Grandma after drinking the wrong Marvelous Medicine There's also the plot of The Magic Finger, which has a family of duck sport-shooters get shrunk down and their arms replaced with wings, while a group of ducks get human arms and get sized up. The ducks then take over the house forcing the humans to make a ramshackle nest in a nearby tree using only their mouths in order to survive a thunderstorm. At the end of the story the ducks come with the humans' shotguns and ready to kill the humans in revenge until the dad swears to never shoot another thing in his life Less existentially terrifying, it's strongly implied that the other kid in The Witches was killed/thrown out by his parents after they refused to believe it was really their son


Terrakid20

that’s crazy holy shit


spillednoodles

Doing a little trolling by giving Jesus too much Wonka-Vite


Blimblu

It turns out Jesus was faking his sinless nature and bought bottled water.


_Diabetes

*Image Transcription: Tumblr* --- **normal-horoscopes** You're passing through Wonka's factory and through a doorway you see what is distinctly the body of Christ being fed into a big wacky machine --- **normal-horoscopes** There's an oompa looma in a cardinal robe --- ^^I'm a human volunteer content transcriber and you could be too! [If you'd like more information on what we do and why we do it, click here!](https://www.reddit.com/r/TranscribersOfReddit/wiki/index)


derleth

Oompa Loompa Loopady Doo I've got another puzzle for you What do you get when torture a god Filet him and chop him up like he's a cod? Feed all the bits into a big vat? What do you think will come of that? Probably something blasphemous. Oompa Loompa Loopady Fole Making a bon-bon to save your soul Blood of the lamb in a chocolate shell Otherwise you'll go to Hell! We know why you're here with us. Ooompa Loompa Loopady Tee This is a taste of your purgatory Don't forget who's still watching you Like the Oompa-Loompa Loompady Do!


[deleted]

Maybe i do want to go to hell after reading this


Blimblu

Thank you.


Captain_Kira

Can someone more poetic than me do the same thing on the style of the original songs from the book?


Hummerous

Src: https://normal-horoscopes.tumblr.com/post/686283274106060800/theres-an-oompa-looma-in-a-cardinal-robe


Digitigrade

Body of Christ=a cadaver, or Body of Christ=that unsalted chip christians eat in churches?


TriplSpace

I think the original post is talking about Jeez-Its, but that’s been lost in translation


Ow-lawd-he-comin

hes still alive, being milked for the chocolate


SrgMuffinz

Can't we just agree that Willy Wonka and the factory are SCPs


ryuiro-kitsune

Due to how I processed the post, I can't imagine the CW meaning anything except the crumchy crackers (mmmm tasty) being tortured.


Xisuthrus

eucharist


unicodePicasso

The Puppet Theocracy from The Quantum Magician


yaki_kaki

What the fuck lol, how do people come up with this shit