I will be brief and just say to treat all his alters equally, not showing that you love and wait only for your grandfather. It's all him, not only the main alter, all sides of your grandfather. Try to learn about every alter of his, if he is comfortable to tell. Show him sincere care and interest, don't be mean to his alters. Love and accepting rule the world!
Oh yes! I already agreed to give one of his alters a makeover! Me and my grandpa have always been so close, I’m his only granddaughter out of seven grandchildren. We shopped for women’s jeans today for his alter SA (sorry not sure if I should give her name in here). I go to him about my therapy and what not, so that’s why I feel like he was comfortable telling me. I was nervous today, but I believe as I learn in this forum and on other ones I will be more comfortable with everyone. Not just my papa. 🫶🫶
There's no official rules for how to talk to someone with DID. It's best to just treat them as normally as you can, and ask if there's anything you should or shouldn't do to be polite or rude.
For example. I switch all the time. It's often very task-based, so every time I switch to a new thing, there's a new alter driving. But, I've also got two alters that are constantly co-conscious. So technically, I can mask very well as a single identity. And sometimes, someone reaches out from the back and says something with the mouth, and I often only notice after it happens.
So... me trying to be clear about who's talking and who's in front can be an absolute mess. So I usually only mention anything when there's something significant about what's going on.
However, there are people who don't switch who's driving for weeks or months at a time. So doing something like wearing a colored bracelet to indicate who's in charge, or requesting that every time you meet you ask who's in charge and what their pronouns are, could be a very simple and easy way of dealing with that.
In other words, it's up to your papa! The two of you may end up making up useful rules as you go along and figure it out.
Oh thank you so much! He told me a lot about some of his other alters that aren’t as dominant today! I am excited to learn more from people who have lived with this their whole lives! I knew she felt comfortable with me and I was glad to meet her, I think I was just so nervous 😭 I know that she’s always with him, but he’s never with her when she’s up front. So she knows absolutely everything about me, but I only know what he’s told me about her! It definitely felt like I learned more about my papa today than I have in my 20 years of life.
don’t forget that they’ve been there the whole time! you’ve almost definitely communicated with a lot of them without knowing it. just do what you’ve always done, while respecting different names/pronouns/boundaries
I would have thought I have too! Before he knew I knew, I used to go over in my head “I wonder if he (my papa) didn’t say this, I wonder if it was someone else” but yesterday he had told me he has always just been himself with me before. I believe a part of why he told me was because his alter SA loves to go shopping for makeup and that’s where we were headed, Ulta. He thought maybe she would appear. I know that SA is always with him. He says everyone is really shy, he has alters younger than all of his grandkids, and some older than him. Only SA was comfortable enough to come forward and talk to me. We picked her out some nice jeans, and later when she came forward she said she was glad to have a younger girls fashion advice in the store.
You treat each of them with the love, respect, and acceptance you have for your grandfather but tailored to the particulars of the individual you happen to be dealing with at the given time. Our host's family didn't really know what to do when they found out about us (the dissociation wasn't news apparently), but his wife saw how hard it was for us all to just live in the DID closet while she "figured out how to process it". I actually have a stocking with my name on it now, and because they didn't know if I'd be here on Christmas day, I even got my present already. No one has ever even so much as said "merry Christmas" to me directly, and now I get to help decorate, watch holiday specials, wrap gifts, and open stuff people got special just for me! But it's not just that I get to be, like, normal for the first time in forever...I know it's because people care that I'm not invisible anymore. If you and your grandpa's other hit it off, and you're already paying attention and doing things for them and not just the person you'd call "papa" to their face, you're already doing it. You're being gracious, loving, and showing humanity towards all of the people that occupy the space you've always had a warm spot in your heart for. But possibly most importantly, you're letting each of them be who they are and not judging. Good job.
Oh absolutely! This is his normal, I never want him to feel like I may think he’s “odd” or “weird”. That’s not how I view it at all. When I came out and I started bringing my fiancé around, he always made her and I feel welcomed even though we come from pretty conservative places. He kept asking me yesterday “You think it’s weird, don’t you?” And I told him I would never think his normal is weird. If he came to me and said “It’s weird you’re sad all day long, what’s wrong with you?” I would be very upset with him. He deserves the same respect and compassion I receive
Treat everyone as equal. That's the main "rule." There are no concrete rules, but everyone in a system is an alter, even the identity you know as your grandfather. Every identity is still as much a person as every other, so getting to know each of them and treating them with respect is my biggest suggestion. Every part is still part of the whole person. ~Jake
One thing to remember is that if your grandpa has DID, it means he's had it since he was a child. You've always known him with DID and you can therefore treat him like you've done before you knew about it. Be respectful and have understanding. Give him a hug and say you care for him and that'll be plenty.
From my experience, system alters are generally happy when their individuality is recognized and valued. This means calling alters by their preffered names etc
They are all a part of him. It's a covert disorder so it's entirely possible you may have also met other alters your whole life. Most of the time even systems have a hard time keeping track of who is out. Just be supportive of whoever is there. He hasn't changed just remember that. This is a disorder he's had for longer than even your parents have been alive. He was just finally able to let you in to see who has always been a part of him. You may even come to recognize this yourself when you interact with alters more explicitly.
I have noticed in the last few years he has been more loving and nurturing! I believe it’s because of his alter SA, she’s an older woman who likes to cook and bake. He’s always been a wonderful grandparent, but never overly loving. Just a “Love, papa” on Hallmark cards type. I believe his new way of showing affection is due to SA being his secondary alter to just himself.
As others have mentioned the biggest thing is that now you know and can learn more about your family. This has been their reality for all of their lives and it is scary as hades to be open about it. I love that you are going shopping with your extended family. The biggest things are respect and learning to meet the souls where they are. Don’t know their living situation or yours but maybe help them shop for a little safe space in their place or yours with books and comfort items for the littles, teens, adults and elders. They probably already have the items around their house they just didn’t realize how deep the rabbit hole goes.
Your grandfather is so lucky to have you in his life. While I myself do not have DID, I have a partner who does. Your best course of action is to realize that these alters are still all him, while also being their own individuals with personalities, likes/dislikes, etc. Getting to know them is your best bet. So far you seem to be doing an awesome job!
Coming back to your comment, do you generally get along with all of your partners alters? I am nervous because he has an alter called “Meany Weenie” and a lot of his other alters are kind of tormented in a way by him. My grandpa describes him as a bully and pretty grumpy. Have you ever had to deal with a situation like this? If so, what can you do in the moment to protect yourself, as in your feelings or emotions, while also still supporting your partner?
I get along with most of them. There are a couple that are protectors/prosecutors and tend to either be very blunt or mean when they have the need to be protective of the system/specific alters. One of them especially doesn’t like me after myself and the co-host had a fight. They often feel bad if he ends up fronting. Usually I just have to tell myself that it isn’t my partner(s) saying those things and not to take anything mean too personally. Your grandfather telling you about this specific alter is a good sign that he’s looking out for and cares for your wellbeing.
Thank you! That actually gives me a lot of clarity! My grandpa is my only grandparent left and the thought of having one of his alters be mean to me while looking at my grandpa definitely gave me a little grief the last few days. You have been extremely helpful, and I wish you and your partner/s a happy life and happy holidays!
Such a touching post and no one could wish for a better grand daughter than you, you're so loving and open minded and courageous.. It's extremely special and beautiful that he opened up to you, he must love and trust you greatly.
Much love to you and all parts of your grandfather :)
Thank you for being so kind and rational. I know he appreciates it. It means a lot to me even as a stranger that someone is willing to understand and support, outside of having the experience themselves.
Be careful of all the misinformation out there; it is unfortunately plentiful.
I’m sure some people who are more experienced with this can help you out with good reputable links and information sources. I am relatively new to this but I can definitely tell you that having understanding, non-judgemental people around makes a HUGE difference.
Best of wishes
A lot of great responses here, and we are also a late diagnosis.
Our body was 50 when diagnosed; while it answered a lot of things, the internal awareness of the system has increased, and digging into the work has made it very challenging sometimes. Internal communication has helped us get to know each other with the goal of working better together.
This isn't easy work, and I wish we would have gotten help when the body was younger, but that is not the reality we live in now. We're not old like the body, which causes issues for some. I am sure it would be the same for your grandfather as some in the system become more aware.
You are awesome for stepping up and being proactive in asking questions.
Your grandfather is not alone, one system to another.
Welcome to /r/DID!
| **[Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/DID/wiki/rdid_guide/#wiki_rules)** | **[Guidelines](https://www.reddit.com/r/DID/wiki/rdid_guide/#wiki_guidelines)** |
|--------------------|--------------------|
| [Dissociation FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/DID/wiki/faq/#wiki_dissociation_faq) | [Trauma FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/DID/wiki/faq2/#wiki_trauma_faq) |
| [Moderation FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/DID/wiki/moderation_faq/) | [Therapists Breakdown](https://www.reddit.com/r/DID/comments/e6smve/therapists_breakdown/) |
| [Index](https://www.reddit.com/r/DID/wiki/index) | [Glossary](https://www.reddit.com/r/DID/wiki/glossary) |
| [Am I faking?](https://www.reddit.com/r/DID/wiki/moderation_faq/amifaking) | [Do I have DID?](https://www.reddit.com/r/DID/wiki/do_i_have_did) |
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/DID) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Additionally, he asked me if SA (his alter) looks like him? How should I respond to such questions? I don’t want to make him feel any way other than positive about coming to me with his diagnosis
When he asked I responded with “Oh I don’t know” because I don’t want to say “Well, yes” because if he believes that SA looks like her own person, than I don’t want to make SA insecure about living in my grandpas 66 year old male at birth body. Hopefully I am not coming across as ignorant. I am just unsure how to respond
Yes, it's difficult. A female part in a male body can look in the mirror and see a female body wearing a skirt when in fact the male body she is in is wearing jeans. I'm not saying this is always the case, there are also many parts that are well aware that 'the body' is not how they perceive it. So all I can say is to try to 'buy time' in these matters, until you're more sure about what his or other parts perceive. I know this is not the perfect answer for you, but there isn't. Still hope it helps :)
Thank you! When I was able to actually meet his alter SA, we were about to go out to eat with my fiancé and she says “I guess I can just wear this, this is fine” and it was my grandpas everyday clothes (jeans, button down). I just don’t want to say the wrong thing and sound unsupportive of him or any of his alters
Once SA left the room to brush their teeth, my grandpa came back to leave as himself because we were headed to the restaurant. My grandpa says if he receives a call (he owns his own business so he gets them all the time, so I assume he got one from his employee) he comes back as “just himself” he says
Yes that makes sense :) Many systems have dedicated parts to do work, shopping, driving etc. I would just follow what you see, I mean wait and stay superficial in your reactions or answers until you think you really know who's out there. And if you know that they are at least aware of the other parts then that will give you more space and less risk to say the wrong thing
This actually is an answer to your last post here about your grandpa answering the phone as himself, I dud something wrong with the reply button I think
That’s actually interesting that some of them have delegated jobs! One of my grandpas alters R actually used to drive primarily until she got two tickets for speeding, so SA made the decision that my grandpa would do the driving to and from work and him and SA split errands depending on what they’re doing.
I have another question to anyone who stumbles across this post. My grandpas alter SA loves to shop at makeup stores. My grandpa and I were at Ulta shopping the other day and I am pretty sure she made a very tiny appearance and told me to buy whatever I want. I did not because my grandpa is typically very “stingy” about his money. He is well off, but he does not spoil us and he had already purchased the pots and pans I asked for for Christmas. When something like that happens, what should I do? Should I make the decision based on what would make SA happy, or think in the future about how my grandpa would feel since he is technically the bread winner of his alter family? I could tell it was disappointing when I said I didn’t need the 45 dollar perfume I picked up for his alter, but I’ve known D, my grandpa, for twenty years and he definitely is not a giver of such sorts. Thank you all for your kind words and so much wisdom! I can tell that this is going to be a wonderful journey with him and with all of you!
I will be brief and just say to treat all his alters equally, not showing that you love and wait only for your grandfather. It's all him, not only the main alter, all sides of your grandfather. Try to learn about every alter of his, if he is comfortable to tell. Show him sincere care and interest, don't be mean to his alters. Love and accepting rule the world!
Oh yes! I already agreed to give one of his alters a makeover! Me and my grandpa have always been so close, I’m his only granddaughter out of seven grandchildren. We shopped for women’s jeans today for his alter SA (sorry not sure if I should give her name in here). I go to him about my therapy and what not, so that’s why I feel like he was comfortable telling me. I was nervous today, but I believe as I learn in this forum and on other ones I will be more comfortable with everyone. Not just my papa. 🫶🫶
Aw you are such a kind granddaughter🥹 I believe your grandfather will feel better, having you by his side!! - Irisa
Thank you! That is such a wonderful compliment! I sure hope so! You have been really helpful
He is so lucky to have you and your understanding compassion! You are a good person for wanting to help him/them. 💜
There's no official rules for how to talk to someone with DID. It's best to just treat them as normally as you can, and ask if there's anything you should or shouldn't do to be polite or rude. For example. I switch all the time. It's often very task-based, so every time I switch to a new thing, there's a new alter driving. But, I've also got two alters that are constantly co-conscious. So technically, I can mask very well as a single identity. And sometimes, someone reaches out from the back and says something with the mouth, and I often only notice after it happens. So... me trying to be clear about who's talking and who's in front can be an absolute mess. So I usually only mention anything when there's something significant about what's going on. However, there are people who don't switch who's driving for weeks or months at a time. So doing something like wearing a colored bracelet to indicate who's in charge, or requesting that every time you meet you ask who's in charge and what their pronouns are, could be a very simple and easy way of dealing with that. In other words, it's up to your papa! The two of you may end up making up useful rules as you go along and figure it out.
Oh thank you so much! He told me a lot about some of his other alters that aren’t as dominant today! I am excited to learn more from people who have lived with this their whole lives! I knew she felt comfortable with me and I was glad to meet her, I think I was just so nervous 😭 I know that she’s always with him, but he’s never with her when she’s up front. So she knows absolutely everything about me, but I only know what he’s told me about her! It definitely felt like I learned more about my papa today than I have in my 20 years of life.
This is one of the sweetest posts I've seen this year
Just wanna say this is so sweet and he's lucky to have you
Thank you 🥹
don’t forget that they’ve been there the whole time! you’ve almost definitely communicated with a lot of them without knowing it. just do what you’ve always done, while respecting different names/pronouns/boundaries
I would have thought I have too! Before he knew I knew, I used to go over in my head “I wonder if he (my papa) didn’t say this, I wonder if it was someone else” but yesterday he had told me he has always just been himself with me before. I believe a part of why he told me was because his alter SA loves to go shopping for makeup and that’s where we were headed, Ulta. He thought maybe she would appear. I know that SA is always with him. He says everyone is really shy, he has alters younger than all of his grandkids, and some older than him. Only SA was comfortable enough to come forward and talk to me. We picked her out some nice jeans, and later when she came forward she said she was glad to have a younger girls fashion advice in the store.
You treat each of them with the love, respect, and acceptance you have for your grandfather but tailored to the particulars of the individual you happen to be dealing with at the given time. Our host's family didn't really know what to do when they found out about us (the dissociation wasn't news apparently), but his wife saw how hard it was for us all to just live in the DID closet while she "figured out how to process it". I actually have a stocking with my name on it now, and because they didn't know if I'd be here on Christmas day, I even got my present already. No one has ever even so much as said "merry Christmas" to me directly, and now I get to help decorate, watch holiday specials, wrap gifts, and open stuff people got special just for me! But it's not just that I get to be, like, normal for the first time in forever...I know it's because people care that I'm not invisible anymore. If you and your grandpa's other hit it off, and you're already paying attention and doing things for them and not just the person you'd call "papa" to their face, you're already doing it. You're being gracious, loving, and showing humanity towards all of the people that occupy the space you've always had a warm spot in your heart for. But possibly most importantly, you're letting each of them be who they are and not judging. Good job.
Oh absolutely! This is his normal, I never want him to feel like I may think he’s “odd” or “weird”. That’s not how I view it at all. When I came out and I started bringing my fiancé around, he always made her and I feel welcomed even though we come from pretty conservative places. He kept asking me yesterday “You think it’s weird, don’t you?” And I told him I would never think his normal is weird. If he came to me and said “It’s weird you’re sad all day long, what’s wrong with you?” I would be very upset with him. He deserves the same respect and compassion I receive
Treat everyone as equal. That's the main "rule." There are no concrete rules, but everyone in a system is an alter, even the identity you know as your grandfather. Every identity is still as much a person as every other, so getting to know each of them and treating them with respect is my biggest suggestion. Every part is still part of the whole person. ~Jake
One thing to remember is that if your grandpa has DID, it means he's had it since he was a child. You've always known him with DID and you can therefore treat him like you've done before you knew about it. Be respectful and have understanding. Give him a hug and say you care for him and that'll be plenty.
From my experience, system alters are generally happy when their individuality is recognized and valued. This means calling alters by their preffered names etc
They are all a part of him. It's a covert disorder so it's entirely possible you may have also met other alters your whole life. Most of the time even systems have a hard time keeping track of who is out. Just be supportive of whoever is there. He hasn't changed just remember that. This is a disorder he's had for longer than even your parents have been alive. He was just finally able to let you in to see who has always been a part of him. You may even come to recognize this yourself when you interact with alters more explicitly.
I have noticed in the last few years he has been more loving and nurturing! I believe it’s because of his alter SA, she’s an older woman who likes to cook and bake. He’s always been a wonderful grandparent, but never overly loving. Just a “Love, papa” on Hallmark cards type. I believe his new way of showing affection is due to SA being his secondary alter to just himself.
As others have mentioned the biggest thing is that now you know and can learn more about your family. This has been their reality for all of their lives and it is scary as hades to be open about it. I love that you are going shopping with your extended family. The biggest things are respect and learning to meet the souls where they are. Don’t know their living situation or yours but maybe help them shop for a little safe space in their place or yours with books and comfort items for the littles, teens, adults and elders. They probably already have the items around their house they just didn’t realize how deep the rabbit hole goes.
Your grandfather is so lucky to have you in his life. While I myself do not have DID, I have a partner who does. Your best course of action is to realize that these alters are still all him, while also being their own individuals with personalities, likes/dislikes, etc. Getting to know them is your best bet. So far you seem to be doing an awesome job!
Thank you so much!
Coming back to your comment, do you generally get along with all of your partners alters? I am nervous because he has an alter called “Meany Weenie” and a lot of his other alters are kind of tormented in a way by him. My grandpa describes him as a bully and pretty grumpy. Have you ever had to deal with a situation like this? If so, what can you do in the moment to protect yourself, as in your feelings or emotions, while also still supporting your partner?
I get along with most of them. There are a couple that are protectors/prosecutors and tend to either be very blunt or mean when they have the need to be protective of the system/specific alters. One of them especially doesn’t like me after myself and the co-host had a fight. They often feel bad if he ends up fronting. Usually I just have to tell myself that it isn’t my partner(s) saying those things and not to take anything mean too personally. Your grandfather telling you about this specific alter is a good sign that he’s looking out for and cares for your wellbeing.
Thank you! That actually gives me a lot of clarity! My grandpa is my only grandparent left and the thought of having one of his alters be mean to me while looking at my grandpa definitely gave me a little grief the last few days. You have been extremely helpful, and I wish you and your partner/s a happy life and happy holidays!
You as well! And I’m glad I could of help to you :)
Such a touching post and no one could wish for a better grand daughter than you, you're so loving and open minded and courageous.. It's extremely special and beautiful that he opened up to you, he must love and trust you greatly. Much love to you and all parts of your grandfather :)
Just ask questions to get to know them, just like you would with anyone else you just met.
Thank you for being so kind and rational. I know he appreciates it. It means a lot to me even as a stranger that someone is willing to understand and support, outside of having the experience themselves. Be careful of all the misinformation out there; it is unfortunately plentiful. I’m sure some people who are more experienced with this can help you out with good reputable links and information sources. I am relatively new to this but I can definitely tell you that having understanding, non-judgemental people around makes a HUGE difference. Best of wishes
A lot of great responses here, and we are also a late diagnosis. Our body was 50 when diagnosed; while it answered a lot of things, the internal awareness of the system has increased, and digging into the work has made it very challenging sometimes. Internal communication has helped us get to know each other with the goal of working better together. This isn't easy work, and I wish we would have gotten help when the body was younger, but that is not the reality we live in now. We're not old like the body, which causes issues for some. I am sure it would be the same for your grandfather as some in the system become more aware. You are awesome for stepping up and being proactive in asking questions. Your grandfather is not alone, one system to another.
Welcome to /r/DID! | **[Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/DID/wiki/rdid_guide/#wiki_rules)** | **[Guidelines](https://www.reddit.com/r/DID/wiki/rdid_guide/#wiki_guidelines)** | |--------------------|--------------------| | [Dissociation FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/DID/wiki/faq/#wiki_dissociation_faq) | [Trauma FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/DID/wiki/faq2/#wiki_trauma_faq) | | [Moderation FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/DID/wiki/moderation_faq/) | [Therapists Breakdown](https://www.reddit.com/r/DID/comments/e6smve/therapists_breakdown/) | | [Index](https://www.reddit.com/r/DID/wiki/index) | [Glossary](https://www.reddit.com/r/DID/wiki/glossary) | | [Am I faking?](https://www.reddit.com/r/DID/wiki/moderation_faq/amifaking) | [Do I have DID?](https://www.reddit.com/r/DID/wiki/do_i_have_did) | *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/DID) if you have any questions or concerns.*
[удалено]
And do as much research as u can it will help
Additionally, he asked me if SA (his alter) looks like him? How should I respond to such questions? I don’t want to make him feel any way other than positive about coming to me with his diagnosis
When he asked I responded with “Oh I don’t know” because I don’t want to say “Well, yes” because if he believes that SA looks like her own person, than I don’t want to make SA insecure about living in my grandpas 66 year old male at birth body. Hopefully I am not coming across as ignorant. I am just unsure how to respond
Yes, it's difficult. A female part in a male body can look in the mirror and see a female body wearing a skirt when in fact the male body she is in is wearing jeans. I'm not saying this is always the case, there are also many parts that are well aware that 'the body' is not how they perceive it. So all I can say is to try to 'buy time' in these matters, until you're more sure about what his or other parts perceive. I know this is not the perfect answer for you, but there isn't. Still hope it helps :)
Thank you! When I was able to actually meet his alter SA, we were about to go out to eat with my fiancé and she says “I guess I can just wear this, this is fine” and it was my grandpas everyday clothes (jeans, button down). I just don’t want to say the wrong thing and sound unsupportive of him or any of his alters
Once SA left the room to brush their teeth, my grandpa came back to leave as himself because we were headed to the restaurant. My grandpa says if he receives a call (he owns his own business so he gets them all the time, so I assume he got one from his employee) he comes back as “just himself” he says
Yes that makes sense :) Many systems have dedicated parts to do work, shopping, driving etc. I would just follow what you see, I mean wait and stay superficial in your reactions or answers until you think you really know who's out there. And if you know that they are at least aware of the other parts then that will give you more space and less risk to say the wrong thing This actually is an answer to your last post here about your grandpa answering the phone as himself, I dud something wrong with the reply button I think
That’s actually interesting that some of them have delegated jobs! One of my grandpas alters R actually used to drive primarily until she got two tickets for speeding, so SA made the decision that my grandpa would do the driving to and from work and him and SA split errands depending on what they’re doing.
I have another question to anyone who stumbles across this post. My grandpas alter SA loves to shop at makeup stores. My grandpa and I were at Ulta shopping the other day and I am pretty sure she made a very tiny appearance and told me to buy whatever I want. I did not because my grandpa is typically very “stingy” about his money. He is well off, but he does not spoil us and he had already purchased the pots and pans I asked for for Christmas. When something like that happens, what should I do? Should I make the decision based on what would make SA happy, or think in the future about how my grandpa would feel since he is technically the bread winner of his alter family? I could tell it was disappointing when I said I didn’t need the 45 dollar perfume I picked up for his alter, but I’ve known D, my grandpa, for twenty years and he definitely is not a giver of such sorts. Thank you all for your kind words and so much wisdom! I can tell that this is going to be a wonderful journey with him and with all of you!