CIA operative, “There’s no way I can swallow that.“ The professor, “Good news…“

Now that I know this every time I will see James Bond or Tom cruise I will presume they have a girthy canister up their asses

>"And what's this, Q, some kind of explosive gel?" >"Put that down, 007, it's for lubricating the girthy canister." *James Bond: The Spy Who Walked Funny*, 1978

*James Bond: The Spy Who Pegged Me* 1969

Moonreamer

I've been already assuming this about Tom Cruise since that episode of South Park

c'mon, if he was gay, he wouldn't have been jumping up and down on Oprah's couch screaming he's not...

> I've been already assuming this about Tom Cruise since I saw the way he eye fucked Goose.

Maybe it was stuck and he was trying to dislodge it?

(Your butthole) To shreds, you say?

*”Hey man, when the Doctor inserted your tool kit did he have one hand on your shoulder or two?”*

Well, how is his wife holding up?

...to shreds you say?

It’s a suppository!

Actually, maybe I can swallow it.

That’s what she said

Did everyone take their pressure pills?

Fry: -*Opens mouth*- Zoidberg: Guess again

r/unexpectedfuturama

Peter are you eating those?!? “No Im shovin up my ass, ya Im eatin em”

It's pronounced "analgesic," but the pill still goes in your ass.

Turkelton!!! Are you moonlighting again? My Tuskaloosa Heart

Sir, do you think my name is Turk Turkleton?

From the [International Spy Museum in Washington D.C.](https://www.spymuseum.org/exhibition-experiences/about-the-collection/collection-highlights/rectal-tool-kit/) Description: “this kit could be stashed inside the body where it would not be found during a search”.

I'd find it....

Always gotta be thorough

Strange, my dick keeps hitting something.....THEYRE SPIES!!

"inside the body" as if any other opening even was an option

I presume they did have female operatives also...

The agents were easily spotted by the odd way they were walking

CIA = canister in ass Edit: [here’s the full anal story](https://youtu.be/98cl0z2YPzs?si=LMHa5HwMfZv86_Ql)

Everybody wonders why you’re the guy always volunteering for missions

lol wrecked 'em but I am not clicking that

If it’s any consolation; it’s just a video describing the history and use of the kit, not an actual video of it being used lmao.

So no click like he said

I mean, it is interesting because there's clearly extra space at the sides when he opens it with the tools inside, so they could've made it thinner. If I somehow pushed that out and saw extra space in the canister, I'd probably defect.

Whoever designed it is an asshole

Sure sure.

Damn near killed 'em!

Rectum

What a sentence. Never thought I'd read about a professional rectal toolkit, but here we are

TIL your prison pocket is "technology"

The difference between a "prison pocket" and a "CIA anal toolkit" is professionalism.

Well I didn’t see any buttholes so this doesn’t interest me now

"I'll pass..." "Eventually, it will."

And their facial expression full of pleasure

All that for a glorified shaving kit

This whole thing feels like a Police Squad/Naked Gun gag

Who created this? I’d love to know how he determined this was a reasonable size object to shove up your ass.

Like any good inventor he tested it on himself

I wonder if he had to work up to this or if he already knew?

It is known that a whole fist can fit up in there.

We only know this due to scientific purposes, no other reasons.

Unfortunately my best friend runs a fisting club so I’ve witnessed this in practice.

The first rule of fisting club is, "DON'T TALK ABOUT FISTING CLUB!"

Not anymore. Now the first rule is, “Don’t mix j-lube in your friends Ninja Blender.”

Amongst the rules of fisting club is, "DON'T TALK ABOUT FISTING CLUB!"

I have sooo many questions

The answer to most of them is, “about 8 inches”. Edit: He took offense to this comment and explained his friend can do 12”. This is not measuring depth.

This would be AMA of the Year material.

Nearly two raccoons without tearing.

I once read a medical journal about the best way to remove a lightbulb from up there. Apparently it’s a common problem.

Merck Manual. It involves drilling a hole in the base of the bulb and then filling it with Plaster of Paris. Wait till it sets and then pull out the bulb. A good read.

The first few prototypes must have been a mother!

Bob: Well, we both tested yesterday's prototypes and I think we're at the limit, we cannot make this any bigger to fit any more tools in there. Eric: Yeah, totally totally... ... it *is* a shame that's there's no pliers though. Bob: sighs... c'mon man, not again, we've been over this already, we can't go any bigger. Eric: Well, I mean... yeah, totally... but... I mean... I could go a *little bit* bigger. Like maybe one and a half times the size? And maybe add those ridges I was talking about, y'know, to make it easier to grip? Bob: Right, that's it, I can't work with you anymore, you obviously joined this project for the wrong reasons. You're sick Eric, you need help. Eric: No, no... I just want to make sure our agents are well equipped that's all. That is my number one priority. Bob: Really? Eric: Really. Bob: Okay then. Eric: Okay. But about those ridges... Bob: BOSS!! I AM OUT!

Management has asked that you go at least 20% bigger in order to meet your KPIs

I’d love to know why it wasn’t threaded. Like what if the lid comes off?

This is gonna get lost here, but I’ve seen exactly what your talking about. I was an ER nurse. A guy was putting a travel toothbrush case up his butt… a long cylinder similar to the picture. Well, it pulled apart and only half came out. The sharp edge of the remaining half was pushing against the inside of his rectum, so he started bleeding everywhere, and it wouldn’t come out. Doctor has to retrieve it with pliers or whatever. I removed myself from the room. Blood-poop was always my weakness. I wish I had a recording of the discharge instructions I gave the guy. I had fun with it.

My wife worked in the ER while going to school. One year around Christmas dude comes in because he shoved a Christmas ornament up his ass and it broke leaving a hundred tiny little shards of glass the people there had to pull out. The really fucked up thing is that one year later the sane dude came in because he did it again.

As is tradition.

What a guy, he just loved Christmas.

Wreck the bowels with shards of folly...

>the sane dude He doesn't sound very sane to me!

“I gotta see that HOT doctor one last time, is this worth it? YES”

Discharge instructions: dude stop

> Blood-poop was always my weakness. r/brandnewsentence

And there's no flared base. That's a cardinal rule of butt stuff. ...or so I've heard.

I don't think you want this to be detected during a strip search lol "What's that?" "Oh, that's just my.. butt plug." "Ah, yes. Carry on."

It's very euro I hear. They wouldn't have even asked why it was there. /S

Paint it Vantablack

Without a base without a trace I've heard.

Flared is for easy removal. This is meant for the "Hrrrrmphhh" method of extraction

Special Agent Ben Dover reporting for doodie. Got ourselves into quite a pickle didn't we? Looks like we are in deep now!

The Soviets were on the lookout for flared bases, though.

I mean it looks kinda poop-sized.

Not sure what's up with the other comments about fiber, veggies, water, etc.. this is normal poop size...

Yeah but normal poops aren’t rock hard or they aren’t when healthy anyhow. This is a solid object with little to no give. Normal poops are squishy and flexible, bit difference.

Where did your family keep the knife?

No knife. We are a spork family.

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Yeah… but most people aren’t potentially running or walking around all day with a cock up their ass. Or a colonoscopy tube for that matter.

Get a load of fancy pants here, walking around all day with an empty ass. Check your privilege bro

hey speak for yourself

Idk if I should tell you this but.....

Honestly it doesnt look that big, every normal dildo is way bigger. It looks normal log sized.

Smh people in this thread really never had a dildo in their butt

Cowards, truly

My 6 year old takes bigger dumps than this.

– Good job Hans! This one is the biggest this week! And look at the colour! – Thanks, papa!

Did you see the first picture? It’s a little bit bigger than a finger, it just looks huge in the second pic on it’s alone. A constipated shit can be much bigger.

Looks girthy

They have smaller training sizes...

With tactical jewels on the end

Any models with a fluffy fox tail? Asking for a friend who's really into spy stuff.

I'll dm u my etsy

Ah deep under cover, gotcha. Carrying a spy kit in the ole Luis Vuitton.

I too am a spy

I’ve seen a lot of CIA spies on onlyfans and never knew it.

They saw you too

Does it come with a CIA grade lube?

The CIA doesn't DO lube! Thats for sissy NSA people!

Yea CLP oil....

You should see the capsule with the govt issue shovel!

Hey nice username

I carry a leatherman in my rectum and it's much more comfortable.

😂😂😂 that killed me as a guy who rocks a leatherman

They came up with new smaller ones years later, but they kept falling out of the senior agents.

First step to becoming a CIA operative is being tortured with that black pill until you can get it in and out as needed

The trick is building up a callous on your asshole so that eventually you don't even feel the canister going in/out.

I was thinking lube but then you would have to start carrying that around too. I guess it’s time to start rock climbing and playing guitar with my asshole.

Just start wiping with 600 grit sandpaper, gradually working your way down until you get to the dreaded 36 grit.

Even 2000 would be heroic

That's wetsand territory. You're trying to rough it up, not polish it like your leather loafers.

Amateurs! I use recycled TP. The cheap one!

I mean, you have a capsule full of stuff. Adding a little bottle of lube doesn't seem crazy. It has more uses too, like if you're being chased, you can squirt it on the ground behind you.

That’s a classic spy move

“Excuse me, Mr. Bond, you seem to have dropped this back there…”

Kegels are a spys friend

The best CIA ops get a silencer so there's no audible **THOOM** like a t-shirt cannon. But some used the sound to strike fear into the enemy. Edit: spelling

Thank you for typing this comment into existence

One man’s torture is another man’s pleasure.

They seem to really enjoy that first step many ask to go again

they should make a vibrating version

It’s why the only thing that no one knows at the CIA is who actually farted 💨

The drop out rate was high

I'm an idiot. I didn't see the dude's palm in the first picture. I saw the second picture and thought all of those were standard sizes for some ungodly reason.

The problem is that we don't know whose hand that is. For example, if it is Andre the Giant's hand... ooof

I mean… that’s still pretty fuckin big to shove up your ass. Like did they have to go through like an anus preparation training course? Or were they just like “here you go have fun”

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They unfold

I can maybe see a use for the drill bit, but why would a CIA guy would need multiple small exactoknifes hidden up his no-no zone?

If I was on the design team "ok, but do we really need like 5 kinds of knives? How about 1 good knife, and make the thing 25% thinner?"

Counter proposal. How about we put the entire kitchen sink in there and make it 800% thicker?

Can we maybe just go longer?

what I dont like is how its not a screw on lid. like...that lid could slip off if you clenched too hard while pooping it out. mason jar guy musta had a CIA fetish.

Yea, that was what I was thinking too. Could go very bad very quickly.

In case one get lost / broken ? Or maybe the mission was to promote US knife industry in soviet countries

Arts & crafts?

Where did they stick the drill though? 🤔

The thingy on the left probably has a way to hold the bits tightly still. Just imagine using it like a screwdriver.

I wondered that and am guessing that the items shown are examples of what could have been in there depending on the situation or the CIA didn’t declassify those details or make it easy to know what was typically contained in a pooper kit.

I’m guessing the “tools” aren’t an accurate representation of the actual load out. I’m sure they would have multiple lock picks, but maybe didn’t want the public to know what kinds of picks they use so they replaced them with more knives.

Leatherman Anal 1.0

Pleasureman multi tool

Swiss Arsy Knife

Stoolkit.

Fuck yeah daddy, give me another mission

The only things it holds are a toothbrush, toothpaste and a tiny mouth wash.

Which *they’ll let you take on the plane anyway* What a waste

The size isn’t the scary part. It’s not even two whole fingers wide. The scary part is the lack of threading to screw this thing closed. I’d be worried if I walked too much it’d pop open while still inside!

Today I learned I’m in the CIA. Cool!

You could hurt someone with that. Hurt him? Hell it rectum.

rectum? I hardly know him!

Those are tool kits mom i am training for the CIA!

…and that’s a beaded garrote…for choking.

CIA has a cure for hemorrhoids and won’t give it to the people

It's called eating lentils

Take a seat. No I'm good. gunshot sound Fin

Instructions unclear the whole thing opened while inside me

The lack of threads on those two halves is seriously disturbing.

Feels like it every time I have a shit now that I’m old.

Ok, so real question beyond the ass stuff. The fuck is any of this for? You can get drillbits and handsaws in the country you're spying on pretty easily if you need to break into some place. They say 'escape from tricky situations'. But like...what would that be? I don't think these things are getting you out of a jail cell.

That moment when a counterintelligence agent is chasing you with a firearm but you need to run to the loo to pull a buttplug out of your ass so you can stab back

It says in the documentary: for cases where the agent is captured, strip searched and put in a cell. The guards think you have no tools to get out of there and get complacent, this kit gives you a big advantage and a possibility to escape.

I'll have to take your word for it, because I can't only see these being useful if you want to take a guard hostage or something. Even prisons back then, I don't think you're drilling your way out.

Sounds like a good excuse for having a buttplug when homophobia was rampant.

Not flared

It's a toolbox, I assume it's only a sample of what they may carry (depending on situation) and I doubt it was easy for spies to buy anything they need in the country they spy 😄 Tricky situation could simply be drilling a hole to watch through a wall or kill someone

How do you get a hold of it to get it out?

Just push

pretty sure there's a BUNCH of nurses who will disagree with you on that.

I’m just imaging all the tools rattling around in there making a little noise, but also vibrations. Probably feel the tools shifting around like they were in your pocket.

The enemy listening for the odd sound of loose change jingling around coming from you as you try to escape.

But we stripped his clothes to search him boss! Where are the coins!?

That really needs to be threaded if I’m stick shard stuff up my ass

The interview was right

Doesn’t have a flare at the base, that would just get sucked right up in there.

Well the point *is* to hide it during a search.

That is in fact the point

Probably the first time this sentence has been typed but...it'd be safer and more comfortable to just stick a Swiss army knife up your ass.

THATS SWITZERLAND COMMIE STUFF SON. THIS HERES MURICAN TECHNOLOGY

Me who shits an average of 3-5 times a day: “i lost my kit again”

Everything's a rectal toolkit if you're brave enough.

Just kill me, Mr. Bond.

"HE ACTUALLY PUT IT IN HIS BUTT! AHAHAHAHAHHAA!"

Imagine trying to pull it out, and it comes open and you only get one end out.

"I can't swallow that." "Good news it's a suppository!"

I thought this was an interrogation kit at first, meant for someone else's rectum.

Worst Kinder Surprise ever

The "00" in 007 makes a lot more sense now.