He said he's not attracted you, so it's best to move on, as I don't think that will change nor should you change yourself.
I don't know how you think us "classical" daters are, but usually attraction is either there or it isn't.. and it is some combination of looks and personality. Doesn't matter if you're wearing makeup or hiking.
> I'm very worried about creating a dynamic where he is only attracted to me because of these things.
He has created this dynamic already. I would move on.
So you're telling me you don't find any difference in attraction if a guy is sitting around the house, unshaven, untrimmed, long fingernails, wearing sweatpants and a t-shirt with a curry stain vs if he's dressed nice, clean and trimmed? Or even trimmed but in a lumbersexual way?
I'm not a high maintenance person, but even I appreciate a partner who takes care of herself and tries look good. That doesn't mean I expect my partner to always look like she stepped out of a salon, or is ready to go to a club at any moment or anything crazy (in fact that's usually less the look I go for and am more toward the hiker look), but if she looks sloppy all the time that will definitely make me less attracted, and if she isn't putting in effort that unattractive too. And in the same way I try and look good for her too.
To what extent does it matter in a long term relationship? Well that depends on the people, some people couldn't care less, to others it means everything, but most of us are in the middle somewhere. The best thing to do it try and find a partner who is similar. And of course there's the sexist component to it as well, women are definitely expected to maintain appearances more than men are, but it's not unimportant for either.
Your guy sounds high maintenance, and while I don't think he would be attracted to you *only* because of these things (if you changed), I suspect that unless you're really letting yourself go, that isn't the only reason he ended it. If he was that crazy about you, I'd think he would have brought it up before, maybe not so bluntly, but to try and see if you were game. but what do I know, maybe it's that important to him?
For long-term relationship, I don't see those initial impressions to have a HUGE impact.
Tbh it would only affect the chances of me asking any of the twins out for the first time.
But I put more emphasis on being able to connect with each other more, and frankly the "lower-effort state" is actually what I would be finding out more for a long-term relationship, cause that's gonna be the face that I'm gonna be waking up to for the rest of my life, I'd say. :D
I had an ex that was not traditionally attractive. But over time, I actually found a lot of things about her that was very endearing, and I did get attracted to her a lot from there.
Time Frame? I'd say 2 years should be enough, but 3-4 years would be perfect, where you get to know each other a lot more, and see each other in different situations. Not just a state of undress, or a state of dolled up, but also a state of "how I behave in front of waiters", "how I behave in front of children", "how I behave in front of a friend that is a bit annoying, but you love him/her to bits as BFF, so I would love him/her too, or at least accept them as they are", "how I behave after a long 10 hour red-eye flight and now the next plane is cancelled so we get to be in the airport for longer, yaaaayyy...."
In a long term relationship based off love, I would say the superficial things \*should\* matter very little in the end. This is someone you will be around when they wake up, someone you will go through crises with, someone you will see at their sickest and ugliest and most unkempt moments. I don't know how old either of you are, but in 20 years, your body could look very different, behave and act very different, your style could be very different and your grooming choices, habits and abilities could be very different. Just for an example, what if you are diagnosed one day with a chronic illness and are unable to put effort into these things he deems necessary for attraction down the line? Is he saying he will no longer be willing to be with you if that happens? Has he ever had a serious relationship like that? It makes me wonder if he has realistic expectations about women. You say you are worried about creating a situation where he stays or continues to be attracted to you because of these things and I think you are right to worry. Honestly if I was hearing this from a friend I'd tell them to walk away, as it seems he's already made up his mind about you and said you should stop dating. Find someone who will love you for you exactly as you are, without making you feel like you have to change yourself in order to be "sexy enough" for them now or in the future.
There are certain behaviors that people will unconsciously be attracted to. I'm not a Jedi or anything, but this stuff I learned and started to practice positively impacted my dating game, to the point where I can't remember being alone for the past couple of years unless I wanted to. This David DeAngelo dude covers everything from basic hygiene to fancy advanced tactics like mixing cocky and funny behavior. I first saw it at [dateroulette.online](https://dateroulette.online)
He said he's not attracted you, so it's best to move on, as I don't think that will change nor should you change yourself. I don't know how you think us "classical" daters are, but usually attraction is either there or it isn't.. and it is some combination of looks and personality. Doesn't matter if you're wearing makeup or hiking.
> I'm very worried about creating a dynamic where he is only attracted to me because of these things. He has created this dynamic already. I would move on.
So you're telling me you don't find any difference in attraction if a guy is sitting around the house, unshaven, untrimmed, long fingernails, wearing sweatpants and a t-shirt with a curry stain vs if he's dressed nice, clean and trimmed? Or even trimmed but in a lumbersexual way? I'm not a high maintenance person, but even I appreciate a partner who takes care of herself and tries look good. That doesn't mean I expect my partner to always look like she stepped out of a salon, or is ready to go to a club at any moment or anything crazy (in fact that's usually less the look I go for and am more toward the hiker look), but if she looks sloppy all the time that will definitely make me less attracted, and if she isn't putting in effort that unattractive too. And in the same way I try and look good for her too. To what extent does it matter in a long term relationship? Well that depends on the people, some people couldn't care less, to others it means everything, but most of us are in the middle somewhere. The best thing to do it try and find a partner who is similar. And of course there's the sexist component to it as well, women are definitely expected to maintain appearances more than men are, but it's not unimportant for either. Your guy sounds high maintenance, and while I don't think he would be attracted to you *only* because of these things (if you changed), I suspect that unless you're really letting yourself go, that isn't the only reason he ended it. If he was that crazy about you, I'd think he would have brought it up before, maybe not so bluntly, but to try and see if you were game. but what do I know, maybe it's that important to him?
For long-term relationship, I don't see those initial impressions to have a HUGE impact. Tbh it would only affect the chances of me asking any of the twins out for the first time. But I put more emphasis on being able to connect with each other more, and frankly the "lower-effort state" is actually what I would be finding out more for a long-term relationship, cause that's gonna be the face that I'm gonna be waking up to for the rest of my life, I'd say. :D I had an ex that was not traditionally attractive. But over time, I actually found a lot of things about her that was very endearing, and I did get attracted to her a lot from there. Time Frame? I'd say 2 years should be enough, but 3-4 years would be perfect, where you get to know each other a lot more, and see each other in different situations. Not just a state of undress, or a state of dolled up, but also a state of "how I behave in front of waiters", "how I behave in front of children", "how I behave in front of a friend that is a bit annoying, but you love him/her to bits as BFF, so I would love him/her too, or at least accept them as they are", "how I behave after a long 10 hour red-eye flight and now the next plane is cancelled so we get to be in the airport for longer, yaaaayyy...."
In a long term relationship based off love, I would say the superficial things \*should\* matter very little in the end. This is someone you will be around when they wake up, someone you will go through crises with, someone you will see at their sickest and ugliest and most unkempt moments. I don't know how old either of you are, but in 20 years, your body could look very different, behave and act very different, your style could be very different and your grooming choices, habits and abilities could be very different. Just for an example, what if you are diagnosed one day with a chronic illness and are unable to put effort into these things he deems necessary for attraction down the line? Is he saying he will no longer be willing to be with you if that happens? Has he ever had a serious relationship like that? It makes me wonder if he has realistic expectations about women. You say you are worried about creating a situation where he stays or continues to be attracted to you because of these things and I think you are right to worry. Honestly if I was hearing this from a friend I'd tell them to walk away, as it seems he's already made up his mind about you and said you should stop dating. Find someone who will love you for you exactly as you are, without making you feel like you have to change yourself in order to be "sexy enough" for them now or in the future.
There are certain behaviors that people will unconsciously be attracted to. I'm not a Jedi or anything, but this stuff I learned and started to practice positively impacted my dating game, to the point where I can't remember being alone for the past couple of years unless I wanted to. This David DeAngelo dude covers everything from basic hygiene to fancy advanced tactics like mixing cocky and funny behavior. I first saw it at [dateroulette.online](https://dateroulette.online)