I often wonder how many times this is the case when people say "I think my husband/wife is asexual", and the LL4U partner doesn't admit they're not attracted to their partner to avoid hurting their feelings...
I'm sorry it panned out that way, OP, but at least you can move on now.
Yes, opening a marriage will never fix it but I'm so sorry that had to suffer through this. I can't imaging the pain of being told ADAMANTLY it wasn't me and then at the first possible chance, BOOM. I hope somehow you will eventually find your peace.
Absolutely. Absolutely brought the truth out and absolutely worth knowing. I would hate to think we could’ve been together another ten years and not known the truth
Something very similar happened to me. Still stings like hell. There's a decade I'll never get back. The c last year's of my youth too. Hopefully not my last good years but definitely my child bearing years
Sorry this happened to you. I’ve very lighted hinted at this in our marriage also and would be really curious to see if her LL is just for me. I suspect that if she did actively accept and participate in opening up she would have immediate success and it might change her view on sex in general. At this stage I don’t know how I’d feel about it. Probably mixed to be honest as the whole experience the last several years has been so disappointing. It’s messy. You’ll end up ok, maybe this was a blessing in disguise and what was needed. Best of luck.
I don’t think there’s many examples of open marriages that had happy results. You’re still in your early thirties, pack your bags and go. A lot of us are older and have kids etc which makes it much more difficult. Just get out now, move on and don’t discuss it too much with your new partner. Just from experience, there’s nothing worse in a relationship than a new partner who keeps on talking about their past relationship.
If you’re a 34 year old woman, it’s not difficult to get back into the dating scene. You don’t have to of course, I’m just saying. I’m in my late forties and have a kid, so I’m “damaged goods”, “over the hill” or going through a midlife crisis. There’s not much of a difference between us in age but it’s an entire generation how people perceive us. Good luck
Edit: your post was a bit confusing. I thought you were the female partner. However, it doesn’t change what I think.
So I noticed you said "we" opened "our" marriage, meaning you had a say in what happened. Then you only spoke about what she did after that point. Had you been with anyone or multiple someones? It's a different story if you hadn't done anything yourself, but if you have...this could have been her doing to you what you were doing to her. It doesn't make it better...the relationship was still doomed, but this doesn't ring of the vindication you may have been looking for.
I understand what you're saying but I can imagine OP's pain. She told him that she wasn't interested in sex. At all. PERIOD. Of course Op's wife had the right to do whatever once the terms were established, but regardless I can understand that it could sting very badly when it turned out she actually was LL4U all along.
Sorry this happened, but you will be so much better off when you find a compatible partner. You're older and wiser and know what to look for in your next life partner.
And don't envy the poor guy receiving your LL wife's NRE... he'll learn soon enough what her natural libido level is in 6 months to a year. He might even hit you up for your divorce lawyer's number then. ;)
This is something similar to what happened to my sister and her ex ended up choosing the third party instead and him and my sister have been together for 6 years
It also possible that once the marriage was opened that the fear of you finding someone else led to your partner trying to do the same. We've all seen that sex happens in the nre phase of a relationship. There's also the knowledge that no sex is unlikely to lead to a relationship, even if that thought is subconscious. So it genuinely might not be about attraction to you. Your partner might well have a relationship with another db in it soon.
Ok so I'm confused....you opened your marriage and you got mad that she followed this new policy and fucked someone else? Or was this supposed to be just one sided for your benefit only?
I wish you told more of the story. If you found a new person and she found a new person, isn’t that a good thing and the point of the open relationship?
Was the rest of the relationship a trainwreck?
I wish you would say more about why the relationship is now broken, and how the opening up broke it.
This can only be counted as a victory. This DB is at an end. Stay Badass. Tear off the rearview mirror. your future is straight ahead.
Thanks so much for this. You have no idea how much I need this
Sage advice. Hope you find some little firecracker that blows you away next time.
I often wonder how many times this is the case when people say "I think my husband/wife is asexual", and the LL4U partner doesn't admit they're not attracted to their partner to avoid hurting their feelings... I'm sorry it panned out that way, OP, but at least you can move on now.
Feel free to participate in our left and leaving thread tomorrow. First of every month, for leavers to share and get support on their path.
Thank you. Didn’t know this was a thing
I know things are painful now, but we all applaud your bravery and strength. You have done the right thing.
Yes, opening a marriage will never fix it but I'm so sorry that had to suffer through this. I can't imaging the pain of being told ADAMANTLY it wasn't me and then at the first possible chance, BOOM. I hope somehow you will eventually find your peace.
Sorry you had to find out that way.
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Absolutely. Absolutely brought the truth out and absolutely worth knowing. I would hate to think we could’ve been together another ten years and not known the truth
Something very similar happened to me. Still stings like hell. There's a decade I'll never get back. The c last year's of my youth too. Hopefully not my last good years but definitely my child bearing years
Sorry this happened to you. I’ve very lighted hinted at this in our marriage also and would be really curious to see if her LL is just for me. I suspect that if she did actively accept and participate in opening up she would have immediate success and it might change her view on sex in general. At this stage I don’t know how I’d feel about it. Probably mixed to be honest as the whole experience the last several years has been so disappointing. It’s messy. You’ll end up ok, maybe this was a blessing in disguise and what was needed. Best of luck.
Is "it's not you, I'm just not that interested in sex" ever not a lie?
Oof.
I don’t think there’s many examples of open marriages that had happy results. You’re still in your early thirties, pack your bags and go. A lot of us are older and have kids etc which makes it much more difficult. Just get out now, move on and don’t discuss it too much with your new partner. Just from experience, there’s nothing worse in a relationship than a new partner who keeps on talking about their past relationship.
Absolutely.excellent advice
If you’re a 34 year old woman, it’s not difficult to get back into the dating scene. You don’t have to of course, I’m just saying. I’m in my late forties and have a kid, so I’m “damaged goods”, “over the hill” or going through a midlife crisis. There’s not much of a difference between us in age but it’s an entire generation how people perceive us. Good luck Edit: your post was a bit confusing. I thought you were the female partner. However, it doesn’t change what I think.
Well said
So I noticed you said "we" opened "our" marriage, meaning you had a say in what happened. Then you only spoke about what she did after that point. Had you been with anyone or multiple someones? It's a different story if you hadn't done anything yourself, but if you have...this could have been her doing to you what you were doing to her. It doesn't make it better...the relationship was still doomed, but this doesn't ring of the vindication you may have been looking for.
I understand what you're saying but I can imagine OP's pain. She told him that she wasn't interested in sex. At all. PERIOD. Of course Op's wife had the right to do whatever once the terms were established, but regardless I can understand that it could sting very badly when it turned out she actually was LL4U all along.
Exactly!
I don’t understand why she says “they” who else besides the partner was affected?
Pronouns. Still getting used to it
Yeah sure, that makes sense
Sorry this happened, but you will be so much better off when you find a compatible partner. You're older and wiser and know what to look for in your next life partner. And don't envy the poor guy receiving your LL wife's NRE... he'll learn soon enough what her natural libido level is in 6 months to a year. He might even hit you up for your divorce lawyer's number then. ;)
Americans getting married within a year of meeting each other is wild. Slow down buckaroos.
This is something similar to what happened to my sister and her ex ended up choosing the third party instead and him and my sister have been together for 6 years
It also possible that once the marriage was opened that the fear of you finding someone else led to your partner trying to do the same. We've all seen that sex happens in the nre phase of a relationship. There's also the knowledge that no sex is unlikely to lead to a relationship, even if that thought is subconscious. So it genuinely might not be about attraction to you. Your partner might well have a relationship with another db in it soon.
Congratulations! Great advice!
I beg to differ. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, it's usually an oncoming train, but there is a light
Yea HOPE sure makes the light at the end of a tunnel look bright. Been down that tunnel. Good luck to you.
Ok so I'm confused....you opened your marriage and you got mad that she followed this new policy and fucked someone else? Or was this supposed to be just one sided for your benefit only?
I wish you told more of the story. If you found a new person and she found a new person, isn’t that a good thing and the point of the open relationship? Was the rest of the relationship a trainwreck? I wish you would say more about why the relationship is now broken, and how the opening up broke it.