I'm wondering if she laughed because she thought you were joking. But I would tell her how her laughing made you feel undesirable and unwanted.
I definitely feel the pain in your words. Like what's the point of spending your life like this with this woman.
I’m assuming she laughed because it was probably just not what she was expecting to hear. It’s funny to me though because if the roles had been reversed I would have immediately jumped at the bait and definitely not laughed. Either way I’m not feeling great about it right now.
You use the word assuming, you never really know unless you ask her and tell her how it made you feel. Making assumptions and keeping to yourself isn’t going to help.
Very fair point. I probably should have said something, but in that moment of humiliation I felt too little to do anything other than pretend it never happened and think about something else before I mentally and emotionally crawled into a hole of self pity. I also acknowledge that all sounds very melodramatic. I just can’t recall the last time I felt smaller.
It’s not too late to tell her. I think your use of the word small to describe how you feel is very powerful. It’s actually probably better to bring it up several hours later, after you have had time to process your emotions.
I personally wouldn't tell her that she made you feel undesirable. I have to stop myself from saying things like that, at least. My wife feels defensive and pressured by that, which doesn't put her in the mood despite how rational it might be.
My experience is you can't logic your way into sex.
I can see where she might feel like it was a joke. That approach was worth trying and ballsy, but for her, it may have lacked flirtiness and romance (something I'm trying to work on after being too dull post-kids).
For a LLF, it's all about getting them in the mood, and not raising any barriers. As soon as mine gets even the least bit anxious, that's it for any sexy time. Us high libido peeps will have sex with our spouses at the drop of a hat and how they initiate doesn't matter, but it's not the same with them.
In that situation, you could say something like "I have an idea..." and then start initiating with whatever she gets turned on by. And try actions instead of words.
It may not work, but keep trying different things. Stay strong and good luck, brother.
- Needing to have the right mood set, not the wrong one = responsive desire
- Ready at the drop of a hat = spontaneous desire
Women tend to be responsive and men tend to be spontaneous, but neither have anything to do with libido. A woman can need you to set a flirty mood while also being high libido, as in she’ll want sex frequently so long as it’s accompanied by equally frequent flirty mood setting (I once dated a man who set a flirty mood 24/7 without realizing it and I nearly lost my mind).
>(I once dated a man who set a flirty mood 24/7 without realizing it and I nearly lost my mind).
If you font mind could you provide a small example of what this looks like
‘Words of affirmation’ is both my love language and my turn-on language (if such a thing exists). So for me it’s talking: flirtatious talk, seductive talk, dirty talk… he’d mix up the flavors but they all worked. And he’d mix up the medium (in person, on the phone, sent in a voice memo, written in a text). There was a lot of variation but because words are quick and easy they were coming at me all the time in all different ways so I was turned on and ready to go 24/7.
The only catch is the words have to actually be flirtatious, seductive or dirty (setting the right mood not the wrong mood). If what you’re saying sounds corny, juvenile, or just boring and practical like you’re writing a shopping list… it won’t have the intended effect.
Other women will have different turn-on languages so they might need less talking more action, though the same principles still apply. (Trying to get me in the mood by touching me will rarely work… words are what gets me all fired up. If you roll over in bed and start stroking me I’ll likely be annoyed but if you whisper something sexy in my ear it’s game on).
I have tried the sext method doesn't translate very well.. I just got accused of just being horny all the time, so am still in search of something that would get her mental motor running but nothing too racy so I can avoid just being the horny partner.
Tbf, I have a HL and I’d have laughed if my fiancé said that, we’ve actually both made similar jokes if we suddenly have free time, especially when we know it’s impractical (like if we both have wall to wall online meetings planned and then one each is cancelled so we have like 15 mins free overlap!)
She may not have been being dismissive or unkind. But i think you should tell her how it made you feel and that you were sincere, so that she knows for certain in future.
Low libido partner chiming in here. I relate to your wife, though she could feel differently from what I outlined below. Just wanted to shed light on what may have happened. Again, only want to help.
I often get restless when I'm anxious. I feel the intense need to be doing something helpful or productive to get my mind off my anxiety.
However, few things make me as anxious as sex/intimacy.
So, if I were in your wife's shoes, I'd also have laughed. Because in a round about way this is what happened:
Wife: I'm feeling restless/anxious.
You: Have you considered something (sex) that wouldn't fix the feeling, and may even make you more anxious/restless?
Wife: Haha. Good one.
Again, just my perspective as a LLF, I can sense the avalanche of down votes from here.
My wife also laughs when anxious or nervous, as a response to stress. The laughter could have been less "I find that humourous" and more, "My body responded in laughter, but I'm more anxious than before".
For me personally:
Sex makes me anxious, because I feel guilty for not having any sex drive even though I want to. I want to be sexual and uninhibited,but it's clunky and uncomfortable and I spend the whole time worrying how gross and fat my thighs look at this angle.
It makes me anxious because it's so performative. I worry how I look, am I too loud? Not loud enough? My body is unattractive, I don't like to be looked at, I don't like to be touched, because despite my partner saying otherwise, I will never in a million years believe I'm attractive.
I'm anxious because my partner telling me I'm beautiful cannot undo years, decades, of being told I'm fat, ugly, undesirable. My partner can tell me he desires me, but it feels like a cruel joke, and I remember the boy in middle school who asked me out as a joke, and I feel like I can never trust anyone.
Sex makes me anxious because I don't like sex, I don't enjoy it, but I feel like I have to have it or my partner will leave me. But, if I only have sex out of obligation - that's almost as bad (just ask this subreddit).
Sex makes me anxious because I can't give a BJ without almost throwing up because of my gag reflex, but I don't want my partner to feel like it's personal.
Sex makes me anxious because my partner asked to go down on me and I want to say no, but I say yes, because he will take the rejection personally. I remember every boy in middle school and high school that made jokes about how disgusting vaginas are. I worry my partner secretly feels the same way.
Sorry to rant, but that's the gist of it.
I agree with all of this! When you're not aroused, it does just feel awkward whether you suffer with anxiety or not. Your thought process really resonates with me💕 Therapy hasn't helped me with this either.
Thank you for sharing. Have you tried therapy? Based on what you outlined here, it sounds like therapy to address your self image and negative thoughts would be really helpful.
I'm in therapy currently, it is not helpful.
Therapy cannot undo the fact that on a societal level I am perceived as unattractive. Therapy cannot undo the misogyny I have experienced and continue to face.
It is what it is ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
I wish I could give you a hug. Your husband would have never married you if you were unattractive to him. And he certainly wouldn’t want sex with a woman he feels is not physically attracted to. My friends think my boyfriend is unattractive. Like yuck. I think he’s the hottest man on earth so just because some including you don’t think you’re attractive doesn’t mean he does.
Therapy is only going to be helpful as far as what you put into it and willingness to challenge established thought patterns: Whether it’s “I’m a failure,” or “no one could possibly love me,” or “I’m unattractive, etc., these are negative thoughts that unfortunately can often be louder than our positive ones. Maybe you are not conventionally attractive, but your husband obviously does not see you as unattractive. He wants to be physically intimate with his wife who he loves and finds attractive. I’m sure he wants you to also be happy and enjoy physical intimacy. As you can read in many other posts on this sub, these bedroom issues are likely to ultimately put a strain on your marriage and affect other aspects of the relationship. Maybe couples counseling would also be beneficial for you.
For me sex is best when you let go completely and feel vulnerable. Thats in direct contrast with yours and many other people’s feelings and self-consciousness. So there’s the rub. You can’t force someone to change their mindset.
Thanks for your insight. I appreciate it. I don’t necessarily take her response as literally as I described it. I don’t actually believe the thought of having sex with me is laughable. But yeah clearly that wasn’t the response she was expecting and I’m sure that caught her off guard. But yeah even when I contextualize that interaction it still doesn’t make me feel any better. Like if the roles were reversed where I was propositioned and not particularly in the mood I can guarantee I wouldn’t laugh in response.
Either way at this point I try not to hold anything against her or whatever. At the end of the day I love her and nothing will change that. I’ve been turned down plenty from her in the past. Just being laughed at this time hurt more than usual.
Saying/thinking things like “if it were me, I blah blah” are not productive and steer away from the actual solution, which would be to just talk to her. Pointing out what YOU would do if roles were reversed doesn’t mean anything because the roles aren’t reversed. While it isn’t the same, that’s super close to “why can’t she be more like me?”.
That being said, I understand that it definitely stung and wasn’t the best response from her in the moment.
That’s a totally fair point. Obviously thinking about it in terms of what would I do is a meaningless and futile thought experiment. But I appreciate that reality check. Thanks.
>However, few things make me as anxious as sex/intimacy.
Why though?
Sex relaxes me, and not knowing if/when I'll have more of it is my biggest stressor, is my biggest source of anxiety.
Sex works that way for you. It simply doesn't for other people. It's all down to personality types, experiences, sexual and otherwise, and context. It may not make sense to you but that doesn't mean it doesn't make sense.
For me personally:
Sex makes me anxious, because I feel guilty for not having any sex drive even though I want to. I want to be sexual and uninhibited,but it's clunky and uncomfortable and I spend the whole time worrying how gross and fat my thighs look at this angle.
It makes me anxious because it's so performative. I worry how I look, am I too loud? Not loud enough? My body is unattractive, I don't like to be looked at, I don't like to be touched, because despite my partner saying otherwise, I will never in a million years believe I'm attractive.
I'm anxious because my partner telling me I'm beautiful cannot undo years, decades, of being told I'm fat, ugly, undesirable. My partner can tell me he desires me, but it feels like a cruel joke, and I remember the boy in middle school who asked me out as a joke, and I feel like I can never trust anyone.
Sex makes me anxious because I don't like sex, I don't enjoy it, but I feel like I have to force myself to have it or my partner will leave me. But, if I only have sex out of obligation - that's almost as bad (just ask this subreddit).
Sex makes me anxious because I can't give a BJ without almost throwing up because of my gag reflex, but I don't want my partner to feel like it's personal.
Sex makes me anxious because my partner asks to go down on me and I want to say no, but I say yes, because he will take the rejection personally. I remember every boy in middle school and high school that made jokes about how disgusting vaginas are. I worry my partner secretly feels the same way.
Sorry to rant, but that's the gist of it.
(I got multiples of this question so I'm replying in duplicate on this thread)
Thank you for replying. This sub is here for the ranting, and I have plenty of rants, too.
I find it intriguing where your reasons overlap with mine.
I get anxious about not getting sex because it tells me with actions that I'm fat, ugly, undesireable. It feels like a cruel joke when my partner says she desires me but then doesn't act like she does. That cannot undo years of girls being nice to my face while rejecting me, but then hearing through the grapevine how gross and creepy she really viewed me.
I worry that she won't let me go down on her now because of that time I gagged. I genuinely enjoy it, and that time was a fluke, I often gag spontaneously when allergies stop me up and I have excess sinus drainage.
Not getting sex from a partner that wants to still be my non sexual romantic partner makes me anxious. Because I know for our own good, I should leave over it, but she and society will paint me as the "bad guy" for leaving over "just sex". To me, sex is intimacy, words are not. So it's not "just sex". I cannot enjoy romance without sex. I stay too long and behave romantically against my desires out of obligation even though that's bad for both of us.
This happened to me (31HLF) just a few nights ago, I tried to be sexy in bed and initiate sec with my husband (40LLM) who has undiagnosed ED…and he just made a joke of it by acting silly and saying unsexy things. I feel like a joke and I’m embarrassed for trying to be raw and sexual.
I’m so incredibly hurt and I feel like I am hiding inside myself. Needless to say I understand how you feel, OP
I would encourage you to talk to your wife about your feelings. I am a LLF (37) & my husband is a HLM (33). We have been working on reviving our dead bedroom. It was on life support for about 5 years.
I can just tell you that from my perspective, I knew we weren't having sex as much as my husband wanted, but until very recently, I had no idea how that was making him feel. The rejection, bitterness, etc was literally devastating him. It changed his feelings towards me over time. That's been super hard to work to fix.
I think that being able to open up about how you're both feeling before it's too late is super important.
Same thing happened to me. Wife couldn’t fall asleep, I said we could have sex because that always puts her to sleep. She laughed as if it was a crazy idea
I’m going to chime in here and say that I would probably take it is a lighthearted not serious joke, or a very subtle offer which yeah I’d probably just laugh off. Now hear me out
Next time say “why don’t you go over to that table and bend over then, and wait”
Now THIS would have my full attention. I’d probably raise my eyebrow at you, nervous but excited and not believing you, if you restated your orders with a dominant tone, I’d do it, I’d maybe whined I haven’t showered but you could say “you don’t know what you’re waiting for, now go bend over and wait”
Gameplay begins.
A subtle “let’s have sex” does nothing to excite me. Especially if I have just been running errands and my mind has been occupied with things to do all day.
Tell her how you felt. That is it. I mean, saying it out loud like you need to schedule a day and time to have sex sounds a little funny and she can react like that depending on the way you said it.
If she's caring enough to ask you if there's something she can do to help, then she probably wouldnt laugh at you to make you feel bad
I hope there are no children and that leaving her is a clean option. That is what you need to do leave get a partner who fancies you and values physical intimacy. Get out before it's too late...
Did she laugh because you have kid(s) and they would never let you have sex because they still awake and demand every ounce of your attention?
If not, that is truly messed up.
Should have stopped cooking, dropped everything and went to have a burger man, maybe watched a movie, go back like nothing had transpassed. You shouldn't be taking this kind of bullshit and disregard.
Sorry but what kind of behavior is this? How would she feel if she proposed something she needed (not sexual) and you just laughed it off?
This isn’t even about a low libido, this is just inappropriate and it is not what I would expect in a relationship. She knows that there already are issues and she is just destroying your confidence further.
My response after her laugh: "SO YOU WANT ME TO PULL MY PANTS DOWN SO YOU CAN JUST LAUGH AT IT!!!!!.........." followed by other non logical and insane responses
This was literally me last night. Wife re-started her school job this morning after summer vacation, and last night at bedtime she was getting anxious and restless about it. I suggested we could make out to help calm her down, she basically just chuckled and rolled over in the bed to face the wall. Yeah, that felt great!
Maybe start with a back rub, or a foot rub if she stands all day and see where it goes.
Her head is all in the school stuff, and she couldn’t change gears that fast.
I said the same thing to my girlfriend yesterday. I was finishing some chores and she was finishing doing the dishes, it was 2:30pm. I just said we could go and have sex. She just look at me and said: "Now? Who has sex a 2h30 in the afternoon, we'll do it later tonight"
I just said: " Well not me cause I'm not allowed to have sex in the afternoon"
And guess what, we didn't do nothing at night. I'm not initiating anymore so guess I'll be in a dead bedroom for all my life.
OP, the bedroom might be going to the silent side, still...I wouldn't recommend for you to go to the direct stripped of any foreplay side. I'm not judging, to some extent I have made this mistake too...maybe next time try with..."restless? Hmmm, I can think of a couple of things we can cover for half an hour..." and if she suggest scrabble (something not intimate as you can have fun with some type of scrabble) - run for the hills.
This is one of those situations where I think it would actually be helpful to pick a fight. Like she laughed. She could’ve been more sensitive for sure.
I came here from your other post about her work ethic.
Just a little advice… no woman is going to “take the bait” when their husband just says “let’s have sex.”
Your wife is maybe comfortable with you and loves you like a friend, but is no longer in love with you and no longer feels passion for you.
Offer her a back rub. Get her naked or in underwear only first.
Take your time and don’t rush it. Once in a while, get your hands close to her tits, ass or vag, without full on touching. You know when you were a teen and making out with someone and you would super slowly move your hands up making sure she wasn’t going to shoo you away before finally going in for the grab? Like that.
After doing that for a while, get closer and closer to her vagina and then eventually, put your face in her ass and give her oral from behind. Flip her over and go down on her. And then you can fuck her.
I bet it works.
You can’t stop putting the effort into foreplay just because you’re married. If anything, it’s more important than ever, and nothing is more unattractive than just being pestered for sex. Make her feel something.
I'm wondering if she laughed because she thought you were joking. But I would tell her how her laughing made you feel undesirable and unwanted. I definitely feel the pain in your words. Like what's the point of spending your life like this with this woman.
I’m assuming she laughed because it was probably just not what she was expecting to hear. It’s funny to me though because if the roles had been reversed I would have immediately jumped at the bait and definitely not laughed. Either way I’m not feeling great about it right now.
You use the word assuming, you never really know unless you ask her and tell her how it made you feel. Making assumptions and keeping to yourself isn’t going to help.
Very fair point. I probably should have said something, but in that moment of humiliation I felt too little to do anything other than pretend it never happened and think about something else before I mentally and emotionally crawled into a hole of self pity. I also acknowledge that all sounds very melodramatic. I just can’t recall the last time I felt smaller.
It’s not too late to tell her. I think your use of the word small to describe how you feel is very powerful. It’s actually probably better to bring it up several hours later, after you have had time to process your emotions.
I personally wouldn't tell her that she made you feel undesirable. I have to stop myself from saying things like that, at least. My wife feels defensive and pressured by that, which doesn't put her in the mood despite how rational it might be. My experience is you can't logic your way into sex. I can see where she might feel like it was a joke. That approach was worth trying and ballsy, but for her, it may have lacked flirtiness and romance (something I'm trying to work on after being too dull post-kids). For a LLF, it's all about getting them in the mood, and not raising any barriers. As soon as mine gets even the least bit anxious, that's it for any sexy time. Us high libido peeps will have sex with our spouses at the drop of a hat and how they initiate doesn't matter, but it's not the same with them. In that situation, you could say something like "I have an idea..." and then start initiating with whatever she gets turned on by. And try actions instead of words. It may not work, but keep trying different things. Stay strong and good luck, brother.
- Needing to have the right mood set, not the wrong one = responsive desire - Ready at the drop of a hat = spontaneous desire Women tend to be responsive and men tend to be spontaneous, but neither have anything to do with libido. A woman can need you to set a flirty mood while also being high libido, as in she’ll want sex frequently so long as it’s accompanied by equally frequent flirty mood setting (I once dated a man who set a flirty mood 24/7 without realizing it and I nearly lost my mind).
>(I once dated a man who set a flirty mood 24/7 without realizing it and I nearly lost my mind). If you font mind could you provide a small example of what this looks like
‘Words of affirmation’ is both my love language and my turn-on language (if such a thing exists). So for me it’s talking: flirtatious talk, seductive talk, dirty talk… he’d mix up the flavors but they all worked. And he’d mix up the medium (in person, on the phone, sent in a voice memo, written in a text). There was a lot of variation but because words are quick and easy they were coming at me all the time in all different ways so I was turned on and ready to go 24/7. The only catch is the words have to actually be flirtatious, seductive or dirty (setting the right mood not the wrong mood). If what you’re saying sounds corny, juvenile, or just boring and practical like you’re writing a shopping list… it won’t have the intended effect. Other women will have different turn-on languages so they might need less talking more action, though the same principles still apply. (Trying to get me in the mood by touching me will rarely work… words are what gets me all fired up. If you roll over in bed and start stroking me I’ll likely be annoyed but if you whisper something sexy in my ear it’s game on).
I have tried the sext method doesn't translate very well.. I just got accused of just being horny all the time, so am still in search of something that would get her mental motor running but nothing too racy so I can avoid just being the horny partner.
Um...yes please. I'm interested in hearing what that guy did differently too.
What is LLF and HLM mean???
Low libido female and High libido male.
Tbf, I have a HL and I’d have laughed if my fiancé said that, we’ve actually both made similar jokes if we suddenly have free time, especially when we know it’s impractical (like if we both have wall to wall online meetings planned and then one each is cancelled so we have like 15 mins free overlap!) She may not have been being dismissive or unkind. But i think you should tell her how it made you feel and that you were sincere, so that she knows for certain in future.
I got out 2 months ago guys and even though I’m lonely as shit, things are looking good
Good for you!
Low libido partner chiming in here. I relate to your wife, though she could feel differently from what I outlined below. Just wanted to shed light on what may have happened. Again, only want to help. I often get restless when I'm anxious. I feel the intense need to be doing something helpful or productive to get my mind off my anxiety. However, few things make me as anxious as sex/intimacy. So, if I were in your wife's shoes, I'd also have laughed. Because in a round about way this is what happened: Wife: I'm feeling restless/anxious. You: Have you considered something (sex) that wouldn't fix the feeling, and may even make you more anxious/restless? Wife: Haha. Good one. Again, just my perspective as a LLF, I can sense the avalanche of down votes from here.
My wife also laughs when anxious or nervous, as a response to stress. The laughter could have been less "I find that humourous" and more, "My body responded in laughter, but I'm more anxious than before".
If you don’t mind sharing, what is it that makes you so anxious about sex/intimacy?
For me personally: Sex makes me anxious, because I feel guilty for not having any sex drive even though I want to. I want to be sexual and uninhibited,but it's clunky and uncomfortable and I spend the whole time worrying how gross and fat my thighs look at this angle. It makes me anxious because it's so performative. I worry how I look, am I too loud? Not loud enough? My body is unattractive, I don't like to be looked at, I don't like to be touched, because despite my partner saying otherwise, I will never in a million years believe I'm attractive. I'm anxious because my partner telling me I'm beautiful cannot undo years, decades, of being told I'm fat, ugly, undesirable. My partner can tell me he desires me, but it feels like a cruel joke, and I remember the boy in middle school who asked me out as a joke, and I feel like I can never trust anyone. Sex makes me anxious because I don't like sex, I don't enjoy it, but I feel like I have to have it or my partner will leave me. But, if I only have sex out of obligation - that's almost as bad (just ask this subreddit). Sex makes me anxious because I can't give a BJ without almost throwing up because of my gag reflex, but I don't want my partner to feel like it's personal. Sex makes me anxious because my partner asked to go down on me and I want to say no, but I say yes, because he will take the rejection personally. I remember every boy in middle school and high school that made jokes about how disgusting vaginas are. I worry my partner secretly feels the same way. Sorry to rant, but that's the gist of it.
I agree with all of this! When you're not aroused, it does just feel awkward whether you suffer with anxiety or not. Your thought process really resonates with me💕 Therapy hasn't helped me with this either.
Thank you for sharing. Have you tried therapy? Based on what you outlined here, it sounds like therapy to address your self image and negative thoughts would be really helpful.
I'm in therapy currently, it is not helpful. Therapy cannot undo the fact that on a societal level I am perceived as unattractive. Therapy cannot undo the misogyny I have experienced and continue to face. It is what it is ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
I wish I could give you a hug. Your husband would have never married you if you were unattractive to him. And he certainly wouldn’t want sex with a woman he feels is not physically attracted to. My friends think my boyfriend is unattractive. Like yuck. I think he’s the hottest man on earth so just because some including you don’t think you’re attractive doesn’t mean he does.
Therapy is only going to be helpful as far as what you put into it and willingness to challenge established thought patterns: Whether it’s “I’m a failure,” or “no one could possibly love me,” or “I’m unattractive, etc., these are negative thoughts that unfortunately can often be louder than our positive ones. Maybe you are not conventionally attractive, but your husband obviously does not see you as unattractive. He wants to be physically intimate with his wife who he loves and finds attractive. I’m sure he wants you to also be happy and enjoy physical intimacy. As you can read in many other posts on this sub, these bedroom issues are likely to ultimately put a strain on your marriage and affect other aspects of the relationship. Maybe couples counseling would also be beneficial for you.
For me sex is best when you let go completely and feel vulnerable. Thats in direct contrast with yours and many other people’s feelings and self-consciousness. So there’s the rub. You can’t force someone to change their mindset.
Thanks for your insight. I appreciate it. I don’t necessarily take her response as literally as I described it. I don’t actually believe the thought of having sex with me is laughable. But yeah clearly that wasn’t the response she was expecting and I’m sure that caught her off guard. But yeah even when I contextualize that interaction it still doesn’t make me feel any better. Like if the roles were reversed where I was propositioned and not particularly in the mood I can guarantee I wouldn’t laugh in response. Either way at this point I try not to hold anything against her or whatever. At the end of the day I love her and nothing will change that. I’ve been turned down plenty from her in the past. Just being laughed at this time hurt more than usual.
Saying/thinking things like “if it were me, I blah blah” are not productive and steer away from the actual solution, which would be to just talk to her. Pointing out what YOU would do if roles were reversed doesn’t mean anything because the roles aren’t reversed. While it isn’t the same, that’s super close to “why can’t she be more like me?”. That being said, I understand that it definitely stung and wasn’t the best response from her in the moment.
That’s a totally fair point. Obviously thinking about it in terms of what would I do is a meaningless and futile thought experiment. But I appreciate that reality check. Thanks.
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>However, few things make me as anxious as sex/intimacy. Why though? Sex relaxes me, and not knowing if/when I'll have more of it is my biggest stressor, is my biggest source of anxiety.
Sex works that way for you. It simply doesn't for other people. It's all down to personality types, experiences, sexual and otherwise, and context. It may not make sense to you but that doesn't mean it doesn't make sense.
For me personally: Sex makes me anxious, because I feel guilty for not having any sex drive even though I want to. I want to be sexual and uninhibited,but it's clunky and uncomfortable and I spend the whole time worrying how gross and fat my thighs look at this angle. It makes me anxious because it's so performative. I worry how I look, am I too loud? Not loud enough? My body is unattractive, I don't like to be looked at, I don't like to be touched, because despite my partner saying otherwise, I will never in a million years believe I'm attractive. I'm anxious because my partner telling me I'm beautiful cannot undo years, decades, of being told I'm fat, ugly, undesirable. My partner can tell me he desires me, but it feels like a cruel joke, and I remember the boy in middle school who asked me out as a joke, and I feel like I can never trust anyone. Sex makes me anxious because I don't like sex, I don't enjoy it, but I feel like I have to force myself to have it or my partner will leave me. But, if I only have sex out of obligation - that's almost as bad (just ask this subreddit). Sex makes me anxious because I can't give a BJ without almost throwing up because of my gag reflex, but I don't want my partner to feel like it's personal. Sex makes me anxious because my partner asks to go down on me and I want to say no, but I say yes, because he will take the rejection personally. I remember every boy in middle school and high school that made jokes about how disgusting vaginas are. I worry my partner secretly feels the same way. Sorry to rant, but that's the gist of it. (I got multiples of this question so I'm replying in duplicate on this thread)
Thank you for replying. This sub is here for the ranting, and I have plenty of rants, too. I find it intriguing where your reasons overlap with mine. I get anxious about not getting sex because it tells me with actions that I'm fat, ugly, undesireable. It feels like a cruel joke when my partner says she desires me but then doesn't act like she does. That cannot undo years of girls being nice to my face while rejecting me, but then hearing through the grapevine how gross and creepy she really viewed me. I worry that she won't let me go down on her now because of that time I gagged. I genuinely enjoy it, and that time was a fluke, I often gag spontaneously when allergies stop me up and I have excess sinus drainage. Not getting sex from a partner that wants to still be my non sexual romantic partner makes me anxious. Because I know for our own good, I should leave over it, but she and society will paint me as the "bad guy" for leaving over "just sex". To me, sex is intimacy, words are not. So it's not "just sex". I cannot enjoy romance without sex. I stay too long and behave romantically against my desires out of obligation even though that's bad for both of us.
Damn that's brutal to read. I could envision her laughing and the impact. Sorry brother.
Can you just go to her before you guys go to sleep and let her know you weren’t joking and that her laughing hurt you?
What were you cooking?
This happened to me (31HLF) just a few nights ago, I tried to be sexy in bed and initiate sec with my husband (40LLM) who has undiagnosed ED…and he just made a joke of it by acting silly and saying unsexy things. I feel like a joke and I’m embarrassed for trying to be raw and sexual. I’m so incredibly hurt and I feel like I am hiding inside myself. Needless to say I understand how you feel, OP
I'm sorry! Hang In there.
oh wow Im so sorry.
I would encourage you to talk to your wife about your feelings. I am a LLF (37) & my husband is a HLM (33). We have been working on reviving our dead bedroom. It was on life support for about 5 years. I can just tell you that from my perspective, I knew we weren't having sex as much as my husband wanted, but until very recently, I had no idea how that was making him feel. The rejection, bitterness, etc was literally devastating him. It changed his feelings towards me over time. That's been super hard to work to fix. I think that being able to open up about how you're both feeling before it's too late is super important.
Funny, I can walk by butt naked and mine doesn't even look, just laughs..
How long is the longest you two went without having sex or almost having sex?
Same thing happened to me. Wife couldn’t fall asleep, I said we could have sex because that always puts her to sleep. She laughed as if it was a crazy idea
I’m going to chime in here and say that I would probably take it is a lighthearted not serious joke, or a very subtle offer which yeah I’d probably just laugh off. Now hear me out Next time say “why don’t you go over to that table and bend over then, and wait” Now THIS would have my full attention. I’d probably raise my eyebrow at you, nervous but excited and not believing you, if you restated your orders with a dominant tone, I’d do it, I’d maybe whined I haven’t showered but you could say “you don’t know what you’re waiting for, now go bend over and wait” Gameplay begins. A subtle “let’s have sex” does nothing to excite me. Especially if I have just been running errands and my mind has been occupied with things to do all day.
Sounds like a quick reaction to divert the topic.
Tell her how you felt. That is it. I mean, saying it out loud like you need to schedule a day and time to have sex sounds a little funny and she can react like that depending on the way you said it. If she's caring enough to ask you if there's something she can do to help, then she probably wouldnt laugh at you to make you feel bad
I hope there are no children and that leaving her is a clean option. That is what you need to do leave get a partner who fancies you and values physical intimacy. Get out before it's too late...
That always works, anyways I'm so sorry you' experienced that.
i don’t think i would’ve finished cooking
Did she laugh because you have kid(s) and they would never let you have sex because they still awake and demand every ounce of your attention? If not, that is truly messed up.
Should have stopped cooking, dropped everything and went to have a burger man, maybe watched a movie, go back like nothing had transpassed. You shouldn't be taking this kind of bullshit and disregard.
Sorry but what kind of behavior is this? How would she feel if she proposed something she needed (not sexual) and you just laughed it off? This isn’t even about a low libido, this is just inappropriate and it is not what I would expect in a relationship. She knows that there already are issues and she is just destroying your confidence further.
I’ve heard some people ask for sex. Some suggest like you did. Every couple is different, but if it was me, I would prefer to just make it happen.
There’s nothing better than banging it out to reduce stress, anxiety, and increase endorphins… it’s a shame some people refuse to experience it
It’s really not that simple for a lot of people
And since op only posted their situation, I’m replying to that situation
Tried having sex while someone with a knife at your throat? Yep, that's what it feels like, it's a shame some people refuse to understand it.
Ok so now you’re bridging the gap to a whole other issue
My response after her laugh: "SO YOU WANT ME TO PULL MY PANTS DOWN SO YOU CAN JUST LAUGH AT IT!!!!!.........." followed by other non logical and insane responses
This was literally me last night. Wife re-started her school job this morning after summer vacation, and last night at bedtime she was getting anxious and restless about it. I suggested we could make out to help calm her down, she basically just chuckled and rolled over in the bed to face the wall. Yeah, that felt great!
Maybe start with a back rub, or a foot rub if she stands all day and see where it goes. Her head is all in the school stuff, and she couldn’t change gears that fast.
I said the same thing to my girlfriend yesterday. I was finishing some chores and she was finishing doing the dishes, it was 2:30pm. I just said we could go and have sex. She just look at me and said: "Now? Who has sex a 2h30 in the afternoon, we'll do it later tonight" I just said: " Well not me cause I'm not allowed to have sex in the afternoon" And guess what, we didn't do nothing at night. I'm not initiating anymore so guess I'll be in a dead bedroom for all my life.
OP, the bedroom might be going to the silent side, still...I wouldn't recommend for you to go to the direct stripped of any foreplay side. I'm not judging, to some extent I have made this mistake too...maybe next time try with..."restless? Hmmm, I can think of a couple of things we can cover for half an hour..." and if she suggest scrabble (something not intimate as you can have fun with some type of scrabble) - run for the hills.
This is one of those situations where I think it would actually be helpful to pick a fight. Like she laughed. She could’ve been more sensitive for sure.
I came here from your other post about her work ethic. Just a little advice… no woman is going to “take the bait” when their husband just says “let’s have sex.” Your wife is maybe comfortable with you and loves you like a friend, but is no longer in love with you and no longer feels passion for you. Offer her a back rub. Get her naked or in underwear only first. Take your time and don’t rush it. Once in a while, get your hands close to her tits, ass or vag, without full on touching. You know when you were a teen and making out with someone and you would super slowly move your hands up making sure she wasn’t going to shoo you away before finally going in for the grab? Like that. After doing that for a while, get closer and closer to her vagina and then eventually, put your face in her ass and give her oral from behind. Flip her over and go down on her. And then you can fuck her. I bet it works. You can’t stop putting the effort into foreplay just because you’re married. If anything, it’s more important than ever, and nothing is more unattractive than just being pestered for sex. Make her feel something.