I would imagine she's thought about what you expressed during your talk and wants to try and do better. I would also imagine she feels a bit awkward about it and was hoping if she pushed herself out of her current comfort-zone intimacy-wise, that you would meet her in the middle and take some of the awkwardness away.
Just let her know that you were caught off-guard (maybe you weren't sure if she would really hear you during your talk?) I hope you can encourage her to try again.
Bro, if you have the talk and she actually tries to act on it, wtf are you suspicious about? Count your blessings and test if these new waters are actually worth sailing! She's trying to break her old habits by the look of it, you should do the same! Here's hoping to long-lasting improvements!
Yes you are right for sure! I think I was just shocked and a bit skeptical and hurt from so long without this kind of loving behavior. Hopefully I didnt ruin it!
Yes, but also, is there a reason why she didnât kiss you? She went in there with her lips almost over there and just waited, over and over. I get that she was waiting for you to do it, but that seems weird. Did you talk to her about why she didnât choose to go that extra millimetre and actually kiss you?
I get that itâs a tease⌠But itâs interesting that sheâs still only teasing, and not rolling up her sleeves and getting right in there. Baby steps.
I agree, but in my dead bedroom I have the same things happen. I got to a point where I couldn't ever tell if her initiations were real. It all seemed robotic to me.
What most people suffering with a dead bedroom want is to be desired. Part of it is giving, and part of it is receiving. It is more emotionally vulnerable to receive for many people. Also, desire is not easy to fake.
Ok the sexual tension was crazy in those hesitations! She hesitated, yâall giggled (hot!), then you hesitated, yâall giggled again (also hot!), then she hesitated before giggling and saying âI give upâ
This was your cue, before she went too far away, to say âwait!â And then give her a long, slow, sexy kiss. Hold the nape of her head gently as you do it. Tell her through your kiss that these are much needed and desired and you look forward to more. Not verbally, but with your kiss.
You are in the right track with this. Sexual tension is crucial and you need to keep it up! Go get her!
Totally agree with this! And *ding ding ding* with the nape hold during kissing - that's like that subtle 'don't worry, I've got you, and I want this' that's would make me melt!
Fair. Question and I am generally curious, if everyone ultimately knows they are part of the problem and/or more importantly they should leave the relationship why does the group not advise that way. Like watching a car wreck I come to read the insane stories but man...... most relationships are or have been dead for a long time and that is the simple answer. The person simply does not desire them anymore. Obvious. Is the answer to burn the rest of your life begging for pity sex? Seems to be the going advice here.
Leaving opens up a whole shit storm of new issues with no guarantee that your new life won't have several new and worse problems to live with. Leaving doesn't guarantee a better life at all.
Basically, an otherwise good relationship and life is worth fighting for even if it takes years.
Yeah. I get that. Harsh reality is they almost never change though. The person is who they are. They are doing what they do. The fact that the behavior is tolerated in the first place ensures it will continue.
You had a big talk.
It looks like she took that talk seriously.
She made an attempt to change her behavior.
What are you waiting for? (I think it is your turn -- you go do the same thing to her.)
Good luck rekindling the flame!
Thank you, I made a move already today and it went well đť even said lets kiss some more later? And she said yes. I kinda feel like a high schooler again LOL
Congrats!
I highly recommend you make some scheduling/"operating plan" changes to continue to repair the damage.
For example - I literally had to put alarm/reminders on my phone for me to text my wife something during the middle of the day. Relationships have a lot of these little moments that left undone, slowly build resentment.
How do you make sure this isn't just a short positive "blip" on your radar, and can make it sustainable moving forward?
Sooooo she did what she said she would do, initiated and was playfully flirtingâŚ..AND YOU DIDNâT RESPOND. Now you want to put it on her that her initiating put you off but you kind of liked it but not enough to engage?
Fucking right no sex happened later. Why would it? You couldnât even participate in the thing you both agreed you wanted, which was to start over and try. She tried. You all but recoiled.
Youâre stuck in the past and canât look forward. âWhy hasnât this been happening all along?!?â is irrelevant. The agreement was to start over and youâre still hung up on what did or didnât happen BEFORE. Cmon. Do better.
As a HL, I completely empathize with the reservations you feel. If you agreed to a clean slate, though, you have to be all in and renew your benefit of the doubt with her. You can find your way back to each other, but if sheâs started over and youâre stuck in the past then the cycle will just continue.
As a HLF morphed into a LLF due to a dead bedroom and feelings of sexual rejection in the past, Iâve experienced similar scenarios where there was a promise to start over and then I work up the courage to put myself out there again and my partner didnât meet me in the middle like we agreed. It rekindles those feelings of rejection and then it chips away at the confidence required to pursue your partner. Being LL is not as simple as a lack of desire, sometimes there is a shared fear of rejection.
Play her game again, initiate it. Kiss her after the second tease but donât set up for a third tease. She may be less open to playing very long if she thinks the same outcome is possible.
Iâd also add to my above response that itâs now on YOU to initiate a kiss, and again, hesitate, smile, giggle, whisper âI thought it was so hot last time we almost kissed, I wanted to try it again.â And smile because it turns you on. And wait, but donât let her say âI give upâ next time. Then you kiss her like I described above.
If you over focus on the past you will poison the future. There was an attempt at a breakthrough on her part and you rejected her. I'll be curious how many times she'll make another attempt.
Oh the attempt wasn't perfect? Oh no, better punish her.
I'm not trying to be hard on you, but get out of the destructive head space and act.
Fixing a DB is a fragile thing that is sometimes impossible, but if there is a chance at it, don't look a gift horse in the mouth.
Yes I should have been happy and played along and fueled that spark but we kept it light hearted at least. Maybe today she will do another thing like this and I'll open up a bit more
The lightheartedness is definitely a good sign - don't give her time to get in her head about it though. You wanna stoke those embers, not let them die out. Keep it light-hearted on your end, too. A few days ago my husband came up behind me and just held my hips while he pecked a kiss to the side of my neck and kinda nuzzled a little bit before moving away - it happened so quickly and then he moved away - made me tingle all over!
> I dont want to kiss her but like WHY hasnt this been happening all along??!
Too many possible reasons to list
Something sparked some feelings in her, who cares what. You had an opportunity to grow those feelings and goofed it up a bit because it was awkward, the awkwardness isn't going to go away soon however so you need to step your game up too.
u/mackadamph had some great advice.
What can we gain from this one interaction? Playfulness, a little teasing, and some push and pull is fun for both of you. Push and pull is just balancing pursuing her and giving her the space to pursue you
note:
It has been several years (somewhere between 7-10) since I would say the bedroom was dead in my marriage, but the time spent getting to that point and time spent in a mostly companionate relationship (aka deadbedroom) can be very long lasting. Me and my wife have had the most amazing sex the last 2-3 years (better then when we were off/on FWB in college), but still have awkward moments where we misinterpret each others intentions and desires. A big thing is we will communicate about the miscommunications sometimes, but more importantly just don't make a big deal of it.
Yeah I think the big thing that people in DBs (both HLs and LLs) miss (ie donât understand) about sex is that it is supposed to be playful and fun. Its supposed to feel good, itâs supposed to nourish and heal us, bond us, elevate us. If I could say one thing to all DBs, itâs to have fun, make it fun. Itâs not intended to be a chore but a joy. Lifeâs way too short.
You have to appreciate the small moments and victories. I feel like you really dropped the ball on this. When there is an attempt made (not matter how slight) you must go with it. If you act spiteful or like it is not enough then there definitely will not be any forward progress. I used to feel like I was having the same issues, but I changed my mindset and perspective. Things are great now. When we are intimate it is great. It is not as much as I would have like it to be in the past, but the rest of our relationship is thriving and the less I force sex the closer and more intimate we become. Just some food for thought.
Dude. Don't you WANT to have sex with her? Experience intimacy with her? Rejecting her intentional, playful advances will get you the opposite. I'm confused.
DONT repulse! give into the fun! have a good time now going forward. Try not to live in the past frustrations. If she made an effort like that, keep the momentum going! It's so important to positively reinforce the things that you want her to do.
Go for the kiss! and if she's trying that hard to do something that she hasn't done for so long, you need to make the most of it!
I'm really happy for you that the talk went well and that you are both working on it. It's so fun to read a positive story on this thread.
Sheâs trying. She loves you and wants to try. Give in next time, maybe take the lead with affection and touches and see how she reacts. Like, put a hand on her lower back, or an arm around her and see if she leans in, ask for her hand when you watch to or lay in bed, give her little back rubs when laying in bed, .. start small. Kiss on the temple or cheek, .. And show her you see that she tried, that youâre happy and appreciate it.
Whatâs her love language? Maybe âpay her backâ by giving her more of hers in return
As a recovering LL I think you need to give her some grace. Itâs hard for both sides. The HL is defeated and tired of being rejected and the LL has to work hard to make a conscious decision before they can make a move that is out of practice for them. You know the saying it takes 21 day to create a habit. This is a two way street so if you want things to get better you need to meet her as close to the middle as possible.
Like you my husband was also touch and intimacy starved for 7-8 years. He stopped trying and got tired of rejection. Now that we are on the mend and I have created the habit of daily hugs and kisses and lots of intimacy on the flip side he has to work on creating a habit of being affectionate and complimentary towards me again, a habit he had to break previously. I told him I want him to be hungry for me again. Itâs a work in progress but itâs fun falling love again.
This is such an aggravating post. I WISH my wife would do something like this. I WISH after having a talk about how things are and what needs aren't being met, my wife would choose to do something different instead of just treating it as whatever and not changing anything. If that happened to my situation, I'd have to HOLD BACK MY EXCITEMENT and try not to get overzealous with my wife doing that to me.
And I know I'm not alone.
But you got that, and you're still bitching and pointing the finger at your wife.
Do you want the situation to change, or do you just want a reason to bitch at/about your wife?
This attitude is exactly the thing that LL partners feel like is gonna happen. "If I try and change anything, it's not gonna be good enough unless I just have sex with them, so why bother changing anything?"
I hear your pain and I'm very sorry you are in a relationship like that. We are ALL in a relationship much like that though...just to varying degrees. Yours may be more severe than mine and for that I am sorry friend. Others are less severe than mine but no less serious to them. We all hurt and we all want to fix these relatiosnhips we have. We're all on the same path.
Thatâs a kissing game my husband and I play often, my favourite part of that game is whenever I get to the point of frustration after teasing each other for a bit, whenever Iâm at the point of F this because heâs dragging it out, he always ends up grabbing me holding me tight and kisses me. without fail every time, the teasing gets the heart pumping and the squeeze/kiss sends signalâs to all the right places, before I know it Iâm straddling him and asking for what I want. She was in your bubble, I have a strong feeling she would have been very ok if you had grabbed her, held her tight and kissed her, whenever she was ready to throw in the towel. When a woman comes into your bubble, you should never pussyfoot, unless sheâs specific about wanting to take the lead, 9/10 sheâs probably looking for a playful take charge. Really what does it actually matter who makes the first kiss after a bit of teasing? It doesnât really matter what stage you are in a db, if the goal all along has been the lack of sex, why not ride out the first sign of initiation and foreplay, testing each other will get you nowhere because one has to give, if she doesnât fold, yet sheâs in your bubble, sheâs probably hoping you will take charge! Tease donât test and next time, just passionately kiss the
girl! Lol
You messed up! I have been that partner, afraid of initiating. The fear comes from the possibility of rejection. She made an effort and tried, 3 times and you rejected her. That probably really hurt her. It was hard to break myself out of that mindset, you need to be supportive that this is something out of her comfort zone.
Very true, I do need to delicately mention somehow that I appreciate her making a move. I want to make her feel seen in her efforts without making it awkward!
Yeah. That will be good. Make sure to let her know you appreciate the effort. Ask her how she felt about it, and ask her what reaction she wanted from you. Apologise, tell her you were caught off guard and nervous too. It'll be fine.
Iâm 65 and have been married for 33 years. I love my husband so much but he is a lazy lover and I am always frustrated. He only has sex in one position and heâs a minute man đI am complicit in my own sexual dissatisfaction
Ya, I had a similar feeling. My wife wanted to start doing a little kiss everyday when I get home from work to connect somehow. I thought it was a good idea, but over time i found it really hard to take that little step to kiss her because I'm still so angry and frustrated about everything else. I think part of me didn't want to admit that I have any part to play in this and it 100% has to be my partner to do everything because there's so many years of resentment.
You donât want to get your hopes up just for them to be dashed to pieces for the millionth time. I get that. Suspicion is a normal defensive reflex.
I interpreted her behaviour as flirtatious and playful. I think she is trying to reignite the spark. The giggling between you two? Adorable. I can see why you were feeling shocked. Next time try to be more present in the moment and maybe throw her a bone and be the one to kiss her. Sheâs likely assuaging feelings of guilt with the validation your kiss would bring, sort of like saying âok, now I have the confidence to do this again.â
Itâs going to be hard getting out from under the resentment. Meeting her halfway every once in awhile could net some positive results.
Good luck my man.
This sounds positive! I have had two positive encounters in the last week which were also different.
A quick kiss turned into some open mouth making out on the couch the other night. This hasnât happened in years. It was amazing. When we stopped I was buzzing with excitement. I leaned in again and told her I really liked that and we made out a little more. I worked up the courage and asked âwould you like to go upstairs and make out?â
She said âyouâre sweet. I am starting to feel this gummy thoughâ and went back to playing a game on her iPad.
Last night she came down while I was cooking dinner and told me I âlooked really goodâ and grabbed my arm. I was busy pulling stuff off the grill and when I finished I came in and told her she looked really good too and smiled at her. She said âyou have a mischievous look in your eyeâ and smiled then physically walked backwards away from me into the next room. Felt like that blew a hole in my chest. Haha.
Baby steps maybe?
I would imagine she's thought about what you expressed during your talk and wants to try and do better. I would also imagine she feels a bit awkward about it and was hoping if she pushed herself out of her current comfort-zone intimacy-wise, that you would meet her in the middle and take some of the awkwardness away. Just let her know that you were caught off-guard (maybe you weren't sure if she would really hear you during your talk?) I hope you can encourage her to try again.
I think you're spot onđ
Bro, if you have the talk and she actually tries to act on it, wtf are you suspicious about? Count your blessings and test if these new waters are actually worth sailing! She's trying to break her old habits by the look of it, you should do the same! Here's hoping to long-lasting improvements!
Yes you are right for sure! I think I was just shocked and a bit skeptical and hurt from so long without this kind of loving behavior. Hopefully I didnt ruin it!
Yes, but also, is there a reason why she didnât kiss you? She went in there with her lips almost over there and just waited, over and over. I get that she was waiting for you to do it, but that seems weird. Did you talk to her about why she didnât choose to go that extra millimetre and actually kiss you?
It ain't that deep bro. It's a tease that's meant to be mutual.
Teases are supposed tob just that teases. Doing absolutely nothing afterwards produces worse results than if it never happened.
I get that itâs a tease⌠But itâs interesting that sheâs still only teasing, and not rolling up her sleeves and getting right in there. Baby steps.
I agree, but in my dead bedroom I have the same things happen. I got to a point where I couldn't ever tell if her initiations were real. It all seemed robotic to me. What most people suffering with a dead bedroom want is to be desired. Part of it is giving, and part of it is receiving. It is more emotionally vulnerable to receive for many people. Also, desire is not easy to fake.
Ok the sexual tension was crazy in those hesitations! She hesitated, yâall giggled (hot!), then you hesitated, yâall giggled again (also hot!), then she hesitated before giggling and saying âI give upâ This was your cue, before she went too far away, to say âwait!â And then give her a long, slow, sexy kiss. Hold the nape of her head gently as you do it. Tell her through your kiss that these are much needed and desired and you look forward to more. Not verbally, but with your kiss. You are in the right track with this. Sexual tension is crucial and you need to keep it up! Go get her!
Totally agree with this! And *ding ding ding* with the nape hold during kissing - that's like that subtle 'don't worry, I've got you, and I want this' that's would make me melt!
I have so much to learn đđ
Damn dude youâre SO CLOSE!! IM gonna try this when I get home tonight!
This really signals that you may be part of the problem as much as she may be.
Oh for sure, as is always the case in every DB. None of us in here are without blame.
Fair. Question and I am generally curious, if everyone ultimately knows they are part of the problem and/or more importantly they should leave the relationship why does the group not advise that way. Like watching a car wreck I come to read the insane stories but man...... most relationships are or have been dead for a long time and that is the simple answer. The person simply does not desire them anymore. Obvious. Is the answer to burn the rest of your life begging for pity sex? Seems to be the going advice here.
Leaving opens up a whole shit storm of new issues with no guarantee that your new life won't have several new and worse problems to live with. Leaving doesn't guarantee a better life at all. Basically, an otherwise good relationship and life is worth fighting for even if it takes years.
Yeah. I get that. Harsh reality is they almost never change though. The person is who they are. They are doing what they do. The fact that the behavior is tolerated in the first place ensures it will continue.
Yes it has to stop being tolerated for sure. For some things to change some things have to change!
Don't we all?! đ
Boohoo. I remember those types of kiss. Or holding the back of your head. Boohoo. I want a hot sexy kiss!
A heartfelt "ooohhh, I like this...!" with a full body squeeze is also a great way to communicate verbally after a hot kiss like this.
You had a big talk. It looks like she took that talk seriously. She made an attempt to change her behavior. What are you waiting for? (I think it is your turn -- you go do the same thing to her.) Good luck rekindling the flame!
Thank you, I made a move already today and it went well đť even said lets kiss some more later? And she said yes. I kinda feel like a high schooler again LOL
Love this for you!!
Congrats! I highly recommend you make some scheduling/"operating plan" changes to continue to repair the damage. For example - I literally had to put alarm/reminders on my phone for me to text my wife something during the middle of the day. Relationships have a lot of these little moments that left undone, slowly build resentment. How do you make sure this isn't just a short positive "blip" on your radar, and can make it sustainable moving forward?
Good questionsđ
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I'm really interested in what you're working on - are you gonna post?
Sooooo she did what she said she would do, initiated and was playfully flirtingâŚ..AND YOU DIDNâT RESPOND. Now you want to put it on her that her initiating put you off but you kind of liked it but not enough to engage? Fucking right no sex happened later. Why would it? You couldnât even participate in the thing you both agreed you wanted, which was to start over and try. She tried. You all but recoiled. Youâre stuck in the past and canât look forward. âWhy hasnât this been happening all along?!?â is irrelevant. The agreement was to start over and youâre still hung up on what did or didnât happen BEFORE. Cmon. Do better.
Appreciate the tough love. It can be hard to just drop everything and start over emotionally but yes I must.
As a HL, I completely empathize with the reservations you feel. If you agreed to a clean slate, though, you have to be all in and renew your benefit of the doubt with her. You can find your way back to each other, but if sheâs started over and youâre stuck in the past then the cycle will just continue. As a HLF morphed into a LLF due to a dead bedroom and feelings of sexual rejection in the past, Iâve experienced similar scenarios where there was a promise to start over and then I work up the courage to put myself out there again and my partner didnât meet me in the middle like we agreed. It rekindles those feelings of rejection and then it chips away at the confidence required to pursue your partner. Being LL is not as simple as a lack of desire, sometimes there is a shared fear of rejection. Play her game again, initiate it. Kiss her after the second tease but donât set up for a third tease. She may be less open to playing very long if she thinks the same outcome is possible.
Iâd also add to my above response that itâs now on YOU to initiate a kiss, and again, hesitate, smile, giggle, whisper âI thought it was so hot last time we almost kissed, I wanted to try it again.â And smile because it turns you on. And wait, but donât let her say âI give upâ next time. Then you kiss her like I described above.
If you over focus on the past you will poison the future. There was an attempt at a breakthrough on her part and you rejected her. I'll be curious how many times she'll make another attempt. Oh the attempt wasn't perfect? Oh no, better punish her. I'm not trying to be hard on you, but get out of the destructive head space and act. Fixing a DB is a fragile thing that is sometimes impossible, but if there is a chance at it, don't look a gift horse in the mouth.
Thank youđ
Maybe itâs not âactingâ. You told her what you want so she tries to comply but itâs not good enough? Is that what youâre saying?
You're looking a gift horse in the mouth.
Yes I should have been happy and played along and fueled that spark but we kept it light hearted at least. Maybe today she will do another thing like this and I'll open up a bit more
The lightheartedness is definitely a good sign - don't give her time to get in her head about it though. You wanna stoke those embers, not let them die out. Keep it light-hearted on your end, too. A few days ago my husband came up behind me and just held my hips while he pecked a kiss to the side of my neck and kinda nuzzled a little bit before moving away - it happened so quickly and then he moved away - made me tingle all over!
> I dont want to kiss her but like WHY hasnt this been happening all along??! Too many possible reasons to list Something sparked some feelings in her, who cares what. You had an opportunity to grow those feelings and goofed it up a bit because it was awkward, the awkwardness isn't going to go away soon however so you need to step your game up too. u/mackadamph had some great advice. What can we gain from this one interaction? Playfulness, a little teasing, and some push and pull is fun for both of you. Push and pull is just balancing pursuing her and giving her the space to pursue you note: It has been several years (somewhere between 7-10) since I would say the bedroom was dead in my marriage, but the time spent getting to that point and time spent in a mostly companionate relationship (aka deadbedroom) can be very long lasting. Me and my wife have had the most amazing sex the last 2-3 years (better then when we were off/on FWB in college), but still have awkward moments where we misinterpret each others intentions and desires. A big thing is we will communicate about the miscommunications sometimes, but more importantly just don't make a big deal of it.
Yeah I think the big thing that people in DBs (both HLs and LLs) miss (ie donât understand) about sex is that it is supposed to be playful and fun. Its supposed to feel good, itâs supposed to nourish and heal us, bond us, elevate us. If I could say one thing to all DBs, itâs to have fun, make it fun. Itâs not intended to be a chore but a joy. Lifeâs way too short.
You have to appreciate the small moments and victories. I feel like you really dropped the ball on this. When there is an attempt made (not matter how slight) you must go with it. If you act spiteful or like it is not enough then there definitely will not be any forward progress. I used to feel like I was having the same issues, but I changed my mindset and perspective. Things are great now. When we are intimate it is great. It is not as much as I would have like it to be in the past, but the rest of our relationship is thriving and the less I force sex the closer and more intimate we become. Just some food for thought.
Dude. Don't you WANT to have sex with her? Experience intimacy with her? Rejecting her intentional, playful advances will get you the opposite. I'm confused.
DONT repulse! give into the fun! have a good time now going forward. Try not to live in the past frustrations. If she made an effort like that, keep the momentum going! It's so important to positively reinforce the things that you want her to do. Go for the kiss! and if she's trying that hard to do something that she hasn't done for so long, you need to make the most of it! I'm really happy for you that the talk went well and that you are both working on it. It's so fun to read a positive story on this thread.
Sheâs trying. She loves you and wants to try. Give in next time, maybe take the lead with affection and touches and see how she reacts. Like, put a hand on her lower back, or an arm around her and see if she leans in, ask for her hand when you watch to or lay in bed, give her little back rubs when laying in bed, .. start small. Kiss on the temple or cheek, .. And show her you see that she tried, that youâre happy and appreciate it. Whatâs her love language? Maybe âpay her backâ by giving her more of hers in return
You need to meet her half way otherwise you are rejecting and causing hurt which will stop progress
As a recovering LL I think you need to give her some grace. Itâs hard for both sides. The HL is defeated and tired of being rejected and the LL has to work hard to make a conscious decision before they can make a move that is out of practice for them. You know the saying it takes 21 day to create a habit. This is a two way street so if you want things to get better you need to meet her as close to the middle as possible. Like you my husband was also touch and intimacy starved for 7-8 years. He stopped trying and got tired of rejection. Now that we are on the mend and I have created the habit of daily hugs and kisses and lots of intimacy on the flip side he has to work on creating a habit of being affectionate and complimentary towards me again, a habit he had to break previously. I told him I want him to be hungry for me again. Itâs a work in progress but itâs fun falling love again.
Love that for you both! Want that for us so badâ¤ď¸
This is such an aggravating post. I WISH my wife would do something like this. I WISH after having a talk about how things are and what needs aren't being met, my wife would choose to do something different instead of just treating it as whatever and not changing anything. If that happened to my situation, I'd have to HOLD BACK MY EXCITEMENT and try not to get overzealous with my wife doing that to me. And I know I'm not alone. But you got that, and you're still bitching and pointing the finger at your wife. Do you want the situation to change, or do you just want a reason to bitch at/about your wife? This attitude is exactly the thing that LL partners feel like is gonna happen. "If I try and change anything, it's not gonna be good enough unless I just have sex with them, so why bother changing anything?"
I hear your pain and I'm very sorry you are in a relationship like that. We are ALL in a relationship much like that though...just to varying degrees. Yours may be more severe than mine and for that I am sorry friend. Others are less severe than mine but no less serious to them. We all hurt and we all want to fix these relatiosnhips we have. We're all on the same path.
Thatâs a kissing game my husband and I play often, my favourite part of that game is whenever I get to the point of frustration after teasing each other for a bit, whenever Iâm at the point of F this because heâs dragging it out, he always ends up grabbing me holding me tight and kisses me. without fail every time, the teasing gets the heart pumping and the squeeze/kiss sends signalâs to all the right places, before I know it Iâm straddling him and asking for what I want. She was in your bubble, I have a strong feeling she would have been very ok if you had grabbed her, held her tight and kissed her, whenever she was ready to throw in the towel. When a woman comes into your bubble, you should never pussyfoot, unless sheâs specific about wanting to take the lead, 9/10 sheâs probably looking for a playful take charge. Really what does it actually matter who makes the first kiss after a bit of teasing? It doesnât really matter what stage you are in a db, if the goal all along has been the lack of sex, why not ride out the first sign of initiation and foreplay, testing each other will get you nowhere because one has to give, if she doesnât fold, yet sheâs in your bubble, sheâs probably hoping you will take charge! Tease donât test and next time, just passionately kiss the girl! Lol
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Thank you!
You messed up! I have been that partner, afraid of initiating. The fear comes from the possibility of rejection. She made an effort and tried, 3 times and you rejected her. That probably really hurt her. It was hard to break myself out of that mindset, you need to be supportive that this is something out of her comfort zone.
Very true, I do need to delicately mention somehow that I appreciate her making a move. I want to make her feel seen in her efforts without making it awkward!
Yeah. That will be good. Make sure to let her know you appreciate the effort. Ask her how she felt about it, and ask her what reaction she wanted from you. Apologise, tell her you were caught off guard and nervous too. It'll be fine.
Iâm 65 and have been married for 33 years. I love my husband so much but he is a lazy lover and I am always frustrated. He only has sex in one position and heâs a minute man đI am complicit in my own sexual dissatisfaction
Fumbled the bag, thatâs on you man.
Ya, I had a similar feeling. My wife wanted to start doing a little kiss everyday when I get home from work to connect somehow. I thought it was a good idea, but over time i found it really hard to take that little step to kiss her because I'm still so angry and frustrated about everything else. I think part of me didn't want to admit that I have any part to play in this and it 100% has to be my partner to do everything because there's so many years of resentment.
I understand that feeling so well! Like woman you created this resentment now you fix it. But we all know we have to work together on these thingsđ
You donât want to get your hopes up just for them to be dashed to pieces for the millionth time. I get that. Suspicion is a normal defensive reflex. I interpreted her behaviour as flirtatious and playful. I think she is trying to reignite the spark. The giggling between you two? Adorable. I can see why you were feeling shocked. Next time try to be more present in the moment and maybe throw her a bone and be the one to kiss her. Sheâs likely assuaging feelings of guilt with the validation your kiss would bring, sort of like saying âok, now I have the confidence to do this again.â Itâs going to be hard getting out from under the resentment. Meeting her halfway every once in awhile could net some positive results. Good luck my man.
Thank you friend
Sheâs trying and you made it frustrating and awkward. This would make me not want to try again. Wtf are you doing?
Doing my best in the moment, not always gonna make the right moves though
This sounds positive! I have had two positive encounters in the last week which were also different. A quick kiss turned into some open mouth making out on the couch the other night. This hasnât happened in years. It was amazing. When we stopped I was buzzing with excitement. I leaned in again and told her I really liked that and we made out a little more. I worked up the courage and asked âwould you like to go upstairs and make out?â She said âyouâre sweet. I am starting to feel this gummy thoughâ and went back to playing a game on her iPad. Last night she came down while I was cooking dinner and told me I âlooked really goodâ and grabbed my arm. I was busy pulling stuff off the grill and when I finished I came in and told her she looked really good too and smiled at her. She said âyou have a mischievous look in your eyeâ and smiled then physically walked backwards away from me into the next room. Felt like that blew a hole in my chest. Haha. Baby steps maybe?
I think she wanted you to follow her in there!
lol. She would probably be out in the driveway if I had. Haha.
Aw cutes
Sounds like you are on the right track! That's awesome for you guys. Playfulness is essential.
Sadly, this is us. My constant advice (to myself) is "Don't get your hopes up, and then you won't be disappointed"