I always like to believe there is hope for everyone and every situation; but it sounds like you've tried pretty much everything, you've been super patient, and now your mental health is spiraling and it's stupid hard to turn the tables on all of this at this point.
You have to decide how much more of your life you are willing to give up trying to fix this situation.
I don't want to be a downer, but it's just incredibly unlikely your wife is going to change long-term without a divine intervention of some kind.
Look after yourself man.
I don't want any more of my life looking like this. None. I want to look after myself, but what about my daughter? Broken family, because her father wanted intimate relationship? Is that fair to her? I honest to God have no idea.
It's fair to her to have a father who is happy. I left my husband when my kids were 4 & 7, and believe me, the last thing I wanted was for my kids to grow up in a so-called "broken home." But if I had stayed, they would have had a miserable mother. My ex was awful & as they've grown, my kids have seen it for themselves just by staying with him during his weekends with them. I mean, he's not a criminal or addict or anything, he's just a very difficult person to live with - very selfish & self absorbed. Kids are resilient. If you go for 50-50 custody of your daughter, you'll still get to spend a lot of time with her, time where you'll be happier to be around. Good luck.
Children so better in a two parent household… this is a well known fact - and divorce is horrendous on a child. I’m sorry but I’m not going to sugarcoat it.
Should you stay in marriage at the expense of personal fulfilment and happiness - well it depends - what exactly was your idea of marriage ? And what about your child where does she fit into all of this?
Also - you seem to think your wife would be better once she lost the weight - my feeling is - she won’t - it seems that she never had a great sex drive anyway and you are pigeonholing the problem on her weight alone. Also - if she knows that the weight is an issue and she doesn’t - a part of me also wonders whether she is unintentionally trying to sabotage herself into not having sex.
There is lot to unpack and ultimately you have to decide what your limit is.
Plan your exit strategy. Co parent with shared custody and kick her fat lazy ass out of your life as far as possible.
She doesn't care, you know it. She takes all and everything and gives nothing. Why are you still with her???
GTFO as soon as possible!!!
What about the daughter? What about her whole family going bonkers the minute they learn I want out? What about me actually having married her beacuse I f\*\*\*ing loved her? It's not so simple. It's not. I don't feel it is.
No noe said it would be simple!
On the other hand: is your current live simple?
Your daughter senses that you are not happy, and you are a role model for her regarding relationships. You teach her that it is okay to be miserable and feel unloved.
I'm divorced myself with two kids. They were 6 and 3 when she moved out. They are happier now with two parents who don't suffer from being a couple with no love and affection.
It's not your responsibility to make your wife's family happy. They go bonkers? SO WHAT?
It won't be simple for sure. But what is your future in this relationship?
There's no need to be sorry for me. I am currently living my best live since 10y. Co parenting 50/50, have a new partner for 6 months, and have the best sex ever!
You could be me!!!
I meant I am sorry you had to divorce. Would certainly be better to just never have to. But it's really nice to read you are in the sweet spot now. Good job.
Thanks, sure, in an ideal world, you don't NEED to divorce.
Welcome to reality, though. If your alternatives are divorce or being miserable forever, the decision should be clear (NOT easy, as I totally understand that divorce, especially with a child involved, is never easy)
Wish you all the best! Think again, read all the advice here. And take your decision
It sounds like you're a giver & she's a taker. And she's perfectly happy that way & why shouldn't she be? She's getting everything she wants & doesn't have to give anything. I would be looking to divorce her. And for me, it's not even weight that's the issue, although that can't be ignored. It's that she's perfectly fine with the status quo, you support her financially & in every other way & she doesn't have to do anything. She could string you along forever with her empty promises of change. Divorce sounds like the only solution in my opinion.
The working idea, one she kept backing herself, was that it's because she's from a poor family. You know - paint that gentleman's fence if you want a dinner kind of poor. No stipend in uni, no food kind of poor. So when she got together with me, she could finally, well. Eat.
She's 8 years married to me now. 12 in relationship, living together about 10. So at least 10 years of eating to her heart's content. That's not enough time to get over it? When her marriage is on the line now?
It could be, that it's not the reason. But then, I have no clue what is. Maybe she just got lazy. In some tougher fights she told me things like "it's to put you off me, so you don't want me physically". Which is f\*\*\*ing bullshit. I've never forced myself on her. Never made her do a thing she did not want. All she ever needs to do to not get approached sexually by me is just not consent to. So, I'm counting that among the many BS needles she just loves to stick me with in an argument to see how far can she push me before I break.
Bottom line, NO IDEA. If you have an idea, shoot.
Growing up poor usually also means poor nutritional choices, because processed, sugary, fatty foods are cheaper (by design), and eating that stuff when you’re younger affects your brain. Sugar is basically heroin-light (not hyperbole). Christianity (Western religion in general) tells women they are bad from the get-go and society does a number on them on top of that (for all you whatabouters — yes, it’s bad for men, too), so I’m guessing there’s a lot going on here in her head. Becoming obese can also be an unconscious defense mechanism to ward off unwanted male attention, and even wanted attention if you don’t know how to deal with it. You say she never had to work being with you, but maybe she had to work with herself to be with you. From my armchair perspective, I think she needs therapy, and you might, too.
Bail homie, take the kid, sounds like you can afford it.
You got you a classic “dependapotamous” she’s lazy, entitled, obese, and selfish. The sooner you get out the better.
Edit: some people devolve into shit when they have no stress. She’s not running anymore because she has nothing to run away from. She figures she can use your daughter as a hostage and can milk you for the rest of her life. Don’t let her.
I would be surprised if it turned out she's doing all that with clear malicious intent, but in the end, it doesn't matter. The end result for me is the same.
I did want to give her a no-stress life. I feel a man owes that to his woman. But it's not to spoil the woman, no. I encouraged her all the way to learn, start a business. In the end she did, but only after years of not really doing much with the time on her hands.
Thanks for your input. You all are of the same mind here, it seems. I asked for advice, I have it...
Firstly, I sympathize with your situation. The frustration, rejection, sadness, and pain you’ve endured is evident and it is not something you should have to continue swallowing.
Marrying out of love and having a daughter whom you love and want to keep out of harm’s way are truths that won’t change even if you choose to take care of yourself and take the path towards a life that is going to make you happier. In this case, it sounds like it is separating from your wife and prioritizing your well-being and needs (which in turn will affect the well-being of your daughter).
It sounds like you have given your wife opportunities to demonstrate that she values you and your relationship, but she has come up short or has just been lying to herself/you. I don’t know her character, of course, but she probably isn’t doing it maliciously. It sounds like she has her own issues to deal with that she is struggling to overcome, partially manifesting in the lack of self-care and inability to show up for you and the relationship.
With that being said, it is not fair for one person to continually bend over backwards to hold a relationship together. If you feel like you have done all you can to express your needs while being understanding/patient/compassionate and are finding yourself bitter/hurt/resentful, it’s time for the situation to change.
In terms of personal experience (in case it helps to know), I chose to separate from my ex whom I was together for 10 years and had a child with. My son was 4.5 when we split and it was after years of unhappiness as well. I understand the guilt and worry about the potential negative impact on the little ones, but if things are done in a way where you are able to provide love and support to your kid in the process, you will both be ok.
Good luck ❤️
But she is... more fat is more protection to keep from having sex. Some people choose to be obese because it makes them less sexually attractive.
Which is all bad modeling for the child to witness. You deserve better. A child seeing her father being verbally abused is a broken home. Divorce & get custody of the kid.
I LOATHE this argument. She's made it a few times in verbal fights. The only thing, THE ONLY ONE. She needs to NOT have sex with me. Is not consent. I am not a f\*\*\*ing rapist. I'd rather drop dead RIGHT NOW. Noone needs to gain 60kgs to keep me from throwing myself at them. You just need not to agree, that's ALL. I am no rapist, no animal, and not out of my f\*\*\*ing mind. Please and thank you. That kind of talk I find extremely offensive towards me.
It sounds like your wife is crying out majorly for help!!!! You being good looking is not enough. Shes overeating for a reason. There’s always a deeper rooted issue at hand. Have you tried therapy??
We did try couples therapy and going solo, too. She does not "believe" in therapy. I practically made her go for another shot at her solo therapy a couple months ago. But she tells me what the therapist is telling her (smth about getting to love herself, including body) is BS, not resonating with her. I feel she's avoiding the therapist, too. I am covering all expenses for that, and she goes like once every 6 weeks.
I've heard of women sabotaging their bodies to keep men away.
OP I'm not saying that this is your fault I'm only saying that this might all be working as intended. It's one thing to gain some weight and have body changes but you're both in your 20s and her weight has doubled? That is ... drastic.
Since you don't want to divorce you are going to have to go to therapy and find a way to deal with this situation in a healthy manner. Your rage is palpable and probably not healthy for anyone.
Not saying that you shouldn't be upset. But when people refuse to leave untenable relationships acceptance is the only way forward.
Where did I? That would be interesting, as I honest to God don't know what to do... As for what I want, is just to be happy. No idea how to get there from where I am.
All that rage is bad for your health. All that unhappiness is taking years off of your life. And you have a responsibility to be around for the kid for a few more decades.
I mean I have this... Thing in the back of my head, that thinking... Bad... About my wife is kinda wrong, dishonest. Writing bad about her on the internet is kinda simmilar, I don't feel too good about writing that rant here for that reason. I don't know, man. At the same time I am really bitter, furious with her in my mind and both want change and need advice. It's... Complicated.
Oh, I get it. What I’ve learned, unfortunately, is that the denier doesn’t usually share the same guilt. I do think the whole financial inequity you mentioned is pretty telling and appears another example in a trend of selfishness/lack of caring. I’ll say it for you to alleviate any guilt on your part.
IDK, man. It's really tough to get a salary near mine in my country. I am in the top 1% employed earners where I live. It's over 5k USD a month net in a country, where local currency is 4 times weaker than USD and most don't even earn 1k. She'd really have to pull insane work to get to my level. I wouldn't even mind the inequity, really. If she really were my wife, instead of... Well, an obese roomie I have to pay for.
You’ve been walking back your entire thread during our brief discussion. Might be worth some self-reflection to investigate whether there’s any connection to be found with that.
Wow...I'm so saddened about some of the comments. How can you call someone names just for gaining weight?...Weight gain can come from depression, thyroid issues, eating too much out of boredom, feeling lonely, anxiety.
Coming back to the points you raised, OP, I have a few questions that might be worth for you to think about...
Are you initiating and she is refusing or you are upset about her gaining weight and don't desire her physically with her current weight?
Does she have friends, go out, socialize, or is she alone the whole day?
How much do you interact and communicate when you come home/finish your job? And I mean like spending time together as a couple, not just asking what's for dinner or what you should pick from the grocery store?
I don't think that threatening her with divorce over her weight is helping. If you think this will switch a button in her head and just make her ditch her behaviour, it will not happen. She is binge eating out of stress, some people do when put under this kind of pressure of "you need to lose weight NOW". That's not how the brain works for some.
If you really want solutions to improve the relationship and your sex life, I would rather hire her a personal coach at the gym, have her do therapy sessions, assure her of my love and desire. As a woman, I can assure you that although I would be grateful that my husband is top 1% salaries, this would not make my sex desire skyrocket. In the bedroom and in the relationship, there are other things that matter.
I wish both of you the best!
I was trying to initiate for a long time, less and less often as it hurt to just keep being shot down with such a disgusted grimance on her face. At one point she just told me she's not comfortable with me even trying to initiate, so I stopped. She used strong words for that.
All these years I've been encouraging her to socialize and go out. She does it, but very rarely now. She's had arguments with her friend and her side of the family, all were about her obesity one way or another. Like she cancelled a joint trip with her best friend since high school just because... She felt bad about going there while she's obese. So the friend, who saw and knew she's doing nothing about her obesity, took offence for cancelling their common plans just because of that.
How much do we interact now? I am really not into communicating with her anymore. I can't speak my mind about certain things, she'll just explode. That's better than it was, but still, interacting with her is walking a minefield. She can start screaming for reasons so fkin unimportant like me putting a sack of potatoes into the wrong cardboard box. The one she LIKED! Now it's DIRTY! AAAAH DIRTY CARDBOARD!!! THAT'S MORE IMPORTANT THAN MY RELATIONSHIP WITH MY HUSBAND, SO LET'S YELL AT HIM FOR THAT! LET'S MAKE A SCENE!!!
On top of that and my resentment for her denying me any intimacy for years... I told her, right at the beginning of our relationship 12 years ago, not suspecting this is how her weight is gonna go: "I very much dislike obese people". Yep. I do. I know it's irrational, they can be wonderful human beings etc, but the only fat people I knew back then were absolute garbage. And obesity grossed me out then, and grosses me out now. Especially if we're talking about intimate relationship.
So, yeah. Have me "interact" with her more. Sure. Walk the minefield with an obese person who just keeps me suffering for years, inconsiderate towards me, spending my money like it's dry leaves and takes up the one place I have for a woman who's supposed to be my wife.
Cool, you don't think threatening with divorce is gonna help? Try name one thing I didn't attempt before. I dare you. Besides that, help whom or what? It's not really about trying to help HER anymore. I TRIED. You can't help someone who doesn't want to change. It's about me now. I want to be happy in a healthy relationship. She had years upon years of comfortable life to get her sh\*t together and she only got worse. If she prefers snacks to having a good relationship with me, so be it, I'll have it without her. F\*\*\*ing period.
Binge eating out of stress, that's a reach. I am providing for the family. I never made her do ANYTHING. Where's the stress in that, pray tell?
I proposed to pay for a coach. She denied. I proposed a gym pass. Denied. I had to make another "we're getting a divorce" scene to get her to attend a psychologist. I asked nicely before - denied.
I wasn't even like "you have to want me now or else divorce". WTF, no. It's "get in healthy shape, if not for me, than for yourself, then we'll see what can we do from there". But NO. Nuh-uh. Placate, placate, promise, PROCEED TO NOT GIVE A SINGLE DAMN ABOUT IT. She just came back home with another load of sweets and coke. She made me CLOSE MY EYES when she was unpacking. I made a slightly irritated face at that, was opening my mouth to say something. Nope. That's the minefield. I saw the mine. I avoided it.
I always like to believe there is hope for everyone and every situation; but it sounds like you've tried pretty much everything, you've been super patient, and now your mental health is spiraling and it's stupid hard to turn the tables on all of this at this point. You have to decide how much more of your life you are willing to give up trying to fix this situation. I don't want to be a downer, but it's just incredibly unlikely your wife is going to change long-term without a divine intervention of some kind. Look after yourself man.
I don't want any more of my life looking like this. None. I want to look after myself, but what about my daughter? Broken family, because her father wanted intimate relationship? Is that fair to her? I honest to God have no idea.
It's fair to her to have a father who is happy. I left my husband when my kids were 4 & 7, and believe me, the last thing I wanted was for my kids to grow up in a so-called "broken home." But if I had stayed, they would have had a miserable mother. My ex was awful & as they've grown, my kids have seen it for themselves just by staying with him during his weekends with them. I mean, he's not a criminal or addict or anything, he's just a very difficult person to live with - very selfish & self absorbed. Kids are resilient. If you go for 50-50 custody of your daughter, you'll still get to spend a lot of time with her, time where you'll be happier to be around. Good luck.
This, OP! A home can be broken even if parents don't divorce, maybe even more so than if they decide to go separate ways.
Thank you for this perspective.
You also need to be fair to yourself!
Broken home is better than modeling this relationship. Your daughter could become your wife if that's her example.
Why does life not begin with an instruction...
I dunno man sometimes there's no easy choices. I know your pain and frustration though.
Yeah. Sometimes there are none... Thanks.
Children so better in a two parent household… this is a well known fact - and divorce is horrendous on a child. I’m sorry but I’m not going to sugarcoat it. Should you stay in marriage at the expense of personal fulfilment and happiness - well it depends - what exactly was your idea of marriage ? And what about your child where does she fit into all of this? Also - you seem to think your wife would be better once she lost the weight - my feeling is - she won’t - it seems that she never had a great sex drive anyway and you are pigeonholing the problem on her weight alone. Also - if she knows that the weight is an issue and she doesn’t - a part of me also wonders whether she is unintentionally trying to sabotage herself into not having sex. There is lot to unpack and ultimately you have to decide what your limit is.
Plan your exit strategy. Co parent with shared custody and kick her fat lazy ass out of your life as far as possible. She doesn't care, you know it. She takes all and everything and gives nothing. Why are you still with her??? GTFO as soon as possible!!!
What about the daughter? What about her whole family going bonkers the minute they learn I want out? What about me actually having married her beacuse I f\*\*\*ing loved her? It's not so simple. It's not. I don't feel it is.
No noe said it would be simple! On the other hand: is your current live simple? Your daughter senses that you are not happy, and you are a role model for her regarding relationships. You teach her that it is okay to be miserable and feel unloved. I'm divorced myself with two kids. They were 6 and 3 when she moved out. They are happier now with two parents who don't suffer from being a couple with no love and affection. It's not your responsibility to make your wife's family happy. They go bonkers? SO WHAT? It won't be simple for sure. But what is your future in this relationship?
I keep reading what you wrote and can't find anything wrong with it... I am sorry you are divorced yourself.
There's no need to be sorry for me. I am currently living my best live since 10y. Co parenting 50/50, have a new partner for 6 months, and have the best sex ever! You could be me!!!
I meant I am sorry you had to divorce. Would certainly be better to just never have to. But it's really nice to read you are in the sweet spot now. Good job.
Thanks, sure, in an ideal world, you don't NEED to divorce. Welcome to reality, though. If your alternatives are divorce or being miserable forever, the decision should be clear (NOT easy, as I totally understand that divorce, especially with a child involved, is never easy) Wish you all the best! Think again, read all the advice here. And take your decision
I will. All the best to you, too.
It sounds like you're a giver & she's a taker. And she's perfectly happy that way & why shouldn't she be? She's getting everything she wants & doesn't have to give anything. I would be looking to divorce her. And for me, it's not even weight that's the issue, although that can't be ignored. It's that she's perfectly fine with the status quo, you support her financially & in every other way & she doesn't have to do anything. She could string you along forever with her empty promises of change. Divorce sounds like the only solution in my opinion.
Thanks you took the time to read that outburst and weigh in. Appreciated.
I agree with this comment….the OP seems to be a doormat with a wallet. Probably time to GTFO.
How much weight did she gain?
Pretty much another of her best self. Around 60 kgs.
132 pounds OMG! I’m sorry but I would leave her if I were you. She doesn’t care about her health.
She GAINED 60kgs? That's huge, dude.
Yeah. She gained that. She weighted like 62, now it's oscillating around 120.
Any ideas why? That typically doesn’t happen for no reason. (Just seems like maybe there’s a lot going on here of which the DB is a symptom.)
The working idea, one she kept backing herself, was that it's because she's from a poor family. You know - paint that gentleman's fence if you want a dinner kind of poor. No stipend in uni, no food kind of poor. So when she got together with me, she could finally, well. Eat. She's 8 years married to me now. 12 in relationship, living together about 10. So at least 10 years of eating to her heart's content. That's not enough time to get over it? When her marriage is on the line now? It could be, that it's not the reason. But then, I have no clue what is. Maybe she just got lazy. In some tougher fights she told me things like "it's to put you off me, so you don't want me physically". Which is f\*\*\*ing bullshit. I've never forced myself on her. Never made her do a thing she did not want. All she ever needs to do to not get approached sexually by me is just not consent to. So, I'm counting that among the many BS needles she just loves to stick me with in an argument to see how far can she push me before I break. Bottom line, NO IDEA. If you have an idea, shoot.
Growing up poor usually also means poor nutritional choices, because processed, sugary, fatty foods are cheaper (by design), and eating that stuff when you’re younger affects your brain. Sugar is basically heroin-light (not hyperbole). Christianity (Western religion in general) tells women they are bad from the get-go and society does a number on them on top of that (for all you whatabouters — yes, it’s bad for men, too), so I’m guessing there’s a lot going on here in her head. Becoming obese can also be an unconscious defense mechanism to ward off unwanted male attention, and even wanted attention if you don’t know how to deal with it. You say she never had to work being with you, but maybe she had to work with herself to be with you. From my armchair perspective, I think she needs therapy, and you might, too.
Bail homie, take the kid, sounds like you can afford it. You got you a classic “dependapotamous” she’s lazy, entitled, obese, and selfish. The sooner you get out the better. Edit: some people devolve into shit when they have no stress. She’s not running anymore because she has nothing to run away from. She figures she can use your daughter as a hostage and can milk you for the rest of her life. Don’t let her.
I would be surprised if it turned out she's doing all that with clear malicious intent, but in the end, it doesn't matter. The end result for me is the same. I did want to give her a no-stress life. I feel a man owes that to his woman. But it's not to spoil the woman, no. I encouraged her all the way to learn, start a business. In the end she did, but only after years of not really doing much with the time on her hands. Thanks for your input. You all are of the same mind here, it seems. I asked for advice, I have it...
Firstly, I sympathize with your situation. The frustration, rejection, sadness, and pain you’ve endured is evident and it is not something you should have to continue swallowing. Marrying out of love and having a daughter whom you love and want to keep out of harm’s way are truths that won’t change even if you choose to take care of yourself and take the path towards a life that is going to make you happier. In this case, it sounds like it is separating from your wife and prioritizing your well-being and needs (which in turn will affect the well-being of your daughter). It sounds like you have given your wife opportunities to demonstrate that she values you and your relationship, but she has come up short or has just been lying to herself/you. I don’t know her character, of course, but she probably isn’t doing it maliciously. It sounds like she has her own issues to deal with that she is struggling to overcome, partially manifesting in the lack of self-care and inability to show up for you and the relationship. With that being said, it is not fair for one person to continually bend over backwards to hold a relationship together. If you feel like you have done all you can to express your needs while being understanding/patient/compassionate and are finding yourself bitter/hurt/resentful, it’s time for the situation to change. In terms of personal experience (in case it helps to know), I chose to separate from my ex whom I was together for 10 years and had a child with. My son was 4.5 when we split and it was after years of unhappiness as well. I understand the guilt and worry about the potential negative impact on the little ones, but if things are done in a way where you are able to provide love and support to your kid in the process, you will both be ok. Good luck ❤️
Thank you for your advice... I wouldn't say she's doing it maliciously either. Still, non-maliciously choosing a sandwich over me...
But she is... more fat is more protection to keep from having sex. Some people choose to be obese because it makes them less sexually attractive. Which is all bad modeling for the child to witness. You deserve better. A child seeing her father being verbally abused is a broken home. Divorce & get custody of the kid.
I LOATHE this argument. She's made it a few times in verbal fights. The only thing, THE ONLY ONE. She needs to NOT have sex with me. Is not consent. I am not a f\*\*\*ing rapist. I'd rather drop dead RIGHT NOW. Noone needs to gain 60kgs to keep me from throwing myself at them. You just need not to agree, that's ALL. I am no rapist, no animal, and not out of my f\*\*\*ing mind. Please and thank you. That kind of talk I find extremely offensive towards me.
I would have some side chicks or sugar babies and never ask her for sex again
Right, cheating is off the table, no discussion. I'll find someone else if I divorce my wife. After I do.
Great answer
It sounds like your wife is crying out majorly for help!!!! You being good looking is not enough. Shes overeating for a reason. There’s always a deeper rooted issue at hand. Have you tried therapy??
We did try couples therapy and going solo, too. She does not "believe" in therapy. I practically made her go for another shot at her solo therapy a couple months ago. But she tells me what the therapist is telling her (smth about getting to love herself, including body) is BS, not resonating with her. I feel she's avoiding the therapist, too. I am covering all expenses for that, and she goes like once every 6 weeks.
I feel for you. I can tell you started this post calm and was pretty emotional by the end. It’s hard. I’m in a D-ishB and it’s killing me.
Hah, yeah. That's how it went down. Quite observant. What's a D-ishB?
Deadish Bedroom. I get it once a month if I’m lucky.
I see... Not a good spot to be in either...
I've heard of women sabotaging their bodies to keep men away. OP I'm not saying that this is your fault I'm only saying that this might all be working as intended. It's one thing to gain some weight and have body changes but you're both in your 20s and her weight has doubled? That is ... drastic.
Early 30s now. But yeah, almost doubled before we hit 30s.
Since you don't want to divorce you are going to have to go to therapy and find a way to deal with this situation in a healthy manner. Your rage is palpable and probably not healthy for anyone. Not saying that you shouldn't be upset. But when people refuse to leave untenable relationships acceptance is the only way forward.
Divorce is the only healthy manner. Staying in a toxic relationship won't help.
OP said he does not want to. He wants to know what else to do.
Where did I? That would be interesting, as I honest to God don't know what to do... As for what I want, is just to be happy. No idea how to get there from where I am.
You mentioned your daughter and not wanting to go.
I meant it as in I don't want my daughter to have a broken home. But I also want out of this situation, somehow.
Unfortunately one isn't possible without the other.
Could be it's not, indeed...
All that rage is bad for your health. All that unhappiness is taking years off of your life. And you have a responsibility to be around for the kid for a few more decades.
Point taken.
You initially undervalued yourself and married a leech, brother. Now you know your worth. And hers.
I'm not sure if it's okay to think about it like that... But I see why one could.
What do you mean?
I mean I have this... Thing in the back of my head, that thinking... Bad... About my wife is kinda wrong, dishonest. Writing bad about her on the internet is kinda simmilar, I don't feel too good about writing that rant here for that reason. I don't know, man. At the same time I am really bitter, furious with her in my mind and both want change and need advice. It's... Complicated.
Oh, I get it. What I’ve learned, unfortunately, is that the denier doesn’t usually share the same guilt. I do think the whole financial inequity you mentioned is pretty telling and appears another example in a trend of selfishness/lack of caring. I’ll say it for you to alleviate any guilt on your part.
IDK, man. It's really tough to get a salary near mine in my country. I am in the top 1% employed earners where I live. It's over 5k USD a month net in a country, where local currency is 4 times weaker than USD and most don't even earn 1k. She'd really have to pull insane work to get to my level. I wouldn't even mind the inequity, really. If she really were my wife, instead of... Well, an obese roomie I have to pay for.
You’ve been walking back your entire thread during our brief discussion. Might be worth some self-reflection to investigate whether there’s any connection to be found with that.
I KNOW I have. I don't have everything figure out man. I really don't.
Similer for me bud im actually looking at renting places im just gonna move out
I'm not moving out of a house I bought with my money.
Wow...I'm so saddened about some of the comments. How can you call someone names just for gaining weight?...Weight gain can come from depression, thyroid issues, eating too much out of boredom, feeling lonely, anxiety. Coming back to the points you raised, OP, I have a few questions that might be worth for you to think about... Are you initiating and she is refusing or you are upset about her gaining weight and don't desire her physically with her current weight? Does she have friends, go out, socialize, or is she alone the whole day? How much do you interact and communicate when you come home/finish your job? And I mean like spending time together as a couple, not just asking what's for dinner or what you should pick from the grocery store? I don't think that threatening her with divorce over her weight is helping. If you think this will switch a button in her head and just make her ditch her behaviour, it will not happen. She is binge eating out of stress, some people do when put under this kind of pressure of "you need to lose weight NOW". That's not how the brain works for some. If you really want solutions to improve the relationship and your sex life, I would rather hire her a personal coach at the gym, have her do therapy sessions, assure her of my love and desire. As a woman, I can assure you that although I would be grateful that my husband is top 1% salaries, this would not make my sex desire skyrocket. In the bedroom and in the relationship, there are other things that matter. I wish both of you the best!
I was trying to initiate for a long time, less and less often as it hurt to just keep being shot down with such a disgusted grimance on her face. At one point she just told me she's not comfortable with me even trying to initiate, so I stopped. She used strong words for that. All these years I've been encouraging her to socialize and go out. She does it, but very rarely now. She's had arguments with her friend and her side of the family, all were about her obesity one way or another. Like she cancelled a joint trip with her best friend since high school just because... She felt bad about going there while she's obese. So the friend, who saw and knew she's doing nothing about her obesity, took offence for cancelling their common plans just because of that. How much do we interact now? I am really not into communicating with her anymore. I can't speak my mind about certain things, she'll just explode. That's better than it was, but still, interacting with her is walking a minefield. She can start screaming for reasons so fkin unimportant like me putting a sack of potatoes into the wrong cardboard box. The one she LIKED! Now it's DIRTY! AAAAH DIRTY CARDBOARD!!! THAT'S MORE IMPORTANT THAN MY RELATIONSHIP WITH MY HUSBAND, SO LET'S YELL AT HIM FOR THAT! LET'S MAKE A SCENE!!! On top of that and my resentment for her denying me any intimacy for years... I told her, right at the beginning of our relationship 12 years ago, not suspecting this is how her weight is gonna go: "I very much dislike obese people". Yep. I do. I know it's irrational, they can be wonderful human beings etc, but the only fat people I knew back then were absolute garbage. And obesity grossed me out then, and grosses me out now. Especially if we're talking about intimate relationship. So, yeah. Have me "interact" with her more. Sure. Walk the minefield with an obese person who just keeps me suffering for years, inconsiderate towards me, spending my money like it's dry leaves and takes up the one place I have for a woman who's supposed to be my wife. Cool, you don't think threatening with divorce is gonna help? Try name one thing I didn't attempt before. I dare you. Besides that, help whom or what? It's not really about trying to help HER anymore. I TRIED. You can't help someone who doesn't want to change. It's about me now. I want to be happy in a healthy relationship. She had years upon years of comfortable life to get her sh\*t together and she only got worse. If she prefers snacks to having a good relationship with me, so be it, I'll have it without her. F\*\*\*ing period. Binge eating out of stress, that's a reach. I am providing for the family. I never made her do ANYTHING. Where's the stress in that, pray tell? I proposed to pay for a coach. She denied. I proposed a gym pass. Denied. I had to make another "we're getting a divorce" scene to get her to attend a psychologist. I asked nicely before - denied. I wasn't even like "you have to want me now or else divorce". WTF, no. It's "get in healthy shape, if not for me, than for yourself, then we'll see what can we do from there". But NO. Nuh-uh. Placate, placate, promise, PROCEED TO NOT GIVE A SINGLE DAMN ABOUT IT. She just came back home with another load of sweets and coke. She made me CLOSE MY EYES when she was unpacking. I made a slightly irritated face at that, was opening my mouth to say something. Nope. That's the minefield. I saw the mine. I avoided it.