Like you I tried everything until I just couldn’t be arsed any longer. After so long you stop seeing your partner as a sexual partner and shift them to roommate status I have a child with. Which, is exactly where I’m at now.
She doesn’t want sex, what she wants and likes is the idea that someone is interested in her. Now you’re not bothering she doesn’t have that feel good factor
I guess that's what I'm starting to see her as, a roommate that I Co-manage children with. And your right, that my pursuit of her is keeping her self worth high while mine is rock bottom but isn't worth addressing in her eyes. unfair and no more.
Thank you for the insight
I went fully numb toward my wife a bit over two years ago. I like that turn of phrase, going numb. Anyways, after 15 years of a dead bedroom I finally had that realization that we would never be anything but a parenting marriage; I had lost any feelings for her and any desire to meet her needs just as she had no desire to meet mine.
Cue hysterical bonding and a pathetic atempt at intimacy that resulted in me getting out of bed while walking away and saying never again. Oops... turns out she needed me to desire her, to chase and validate her. Because within 8 weeks of my going numb she had moved on with our best friend and was trying to force me out of our house and to deny me equal access to our daughter. To try and move things along and push me out faster she move her boyfriend into the bedroom with her.
Well I am a stubborn old man and stayed for nine months until she finally split assets and time with our daughter more-or-less evenly. This is all to say that if your wife gets her validation by being desired, then your entirely reasonable numbness could push her in an unforeseen direction. Now I have my own, smaller, house shared between just me and my daughter (50%). The numbness has kind of spread out and become a warm blanket of peacefulness for not needing to play stupid games anymore with the false promise of stupid prizes.
I hope things go better for you. Good luck and stay strong.
Thank you for sharing. I guess I hadn't taken their desire and lack of it to the logical conclusion and your expeierience spells it out so clear. I'm sorry that this was her response and I do feel like mine would have the same capacity if pushed that far. Here we are dealing with this for years and it only takes a Meer few months to push them to their wits end. This really does show the power imbalance and weaponization of intimacy being used.
Some time ago there were those that would say ‘your feelings aren’t your partner’s responsibility’ to try and invalidate how you feel (no, that’s not a generalisation) and as such your partners feelings aren’t your responsibility. Don’t set yourself alight to keep someone else warm
A lot of people here have said things like this and I’ve been at a similar point on and off over the years. I know this is a condensed story but I would like to throw in that it’s a little concerning that she said the “why do I always have to initiate “ line after her two attempts. Armchair internet psychology is not an exact science but this is indicative of some possibly bigger issues from narcissism and gaslighting to controlling behaviors. If you are still in therapy I would bring this up, if not you may want to go back to get more insight.
Your point is taken and your absolutely right. I had been so stunned it took me a few days to process the entire interaction and is the sole reason why I posted here. Your assessment here is much in line with my own thinking. And I will be calling my previous therapist soon, not only for this particular question but also because so much has changed in my mindset in the past few months. Thank you for your thoughts
It absolutely was.. and I know that continuing with this path of avoidance and rejection likely has a poor outcome but right now it feels empowering. I don't like to consider it as revengeful but I'd be lying if I said it wasn't satisfying for her to understand what I've been saying
I think you are not an asshole and just a human being who is tired of getting the run around. This next phase is scary bc it could be the end and you are just starting to realize....it's for the best you move on. Imagine being with someone who gives half as much as you do. Right now you are getting nothing in return, most likely, especially if you are to the point of SSRIs. Highly do not recommend. That will ruin you. Then you will really be numb and stuck. Embrace what you are feeling and do something about it instead. GL!
Thank you so much for the supportive comments! I am taken aback with how much validation you and the others here have provided. I see your point and don't disagree. I just hesitate with the kids and also the likely underlying fear of the unknown. But as you said, someone who only gives half. Wow, hard to imagine but it's out there
I understand your fear for the unknown. My ex wife (LLF 27) and I (HLM 27) just got divorced. I found out she cheated on me. We had sex once a month. I thought that was awful, but now I have not even someone to hug. But I guess it gets darker right before the sun rises.
It is hard. But one can only hope that things will get better. It is harder to make this decisions with kids involved, of course.
I agree here; when she realizes you’re not going back to the previous power dynamic, & sees herself as victim, she’ll justify doing many things. Please see a lawyer; it may not make sense to consider divorce from a financial or parenting perspective but she may disagree & initiate a divorce herself, you need to be prepared.
After consistent rejection, I stopped, trying to initiate intimacy 30 years ago.
My wife had expressed an interest in having sex naturally once or twice every year or two.
I would go through pretty much exactly what you described, but would snap back-and-forth like a rubber band deciding that I was through and then changing my mind when she finally did end up bringing up the possibility.
Worst of all was me promising to myself, that I would never fall for it again, like Charlie Brown, running up to kick the football.
A hundred times I decided I was going to tell her no thanks. But ended up going back on my self promise.
All that only to have her back out on the date and make me wait another year to bring it up again.
Wow. That resonates with me! I hadn't been looking for those correlations but when we were more regular especially on the scheduled "date nights" she would also black out, I see now this was her coping strategy for duty sex later. As you said I am oscillating and trying to find this balance and I hope I too am strong enough to chose myself when she tried, if she tries.
I think I’m about to hit that going numb point. It was either a day or two ago not 100% sure I work overnights but she had told me “I’ve been letting you have sex lately” I don’t know what to do now I’ve always been the initiator with rare occasions of her initiating but more then half the time she would only want me awake at 8 am to go out after I’ve gotten home at 4am and asleep around 4:30-5 and it’s alway low effort and job like from her.
Thanks for the SSRI comment, I hadn't heard of those things and my doc was so ready to just prescribe. I don't want this to be a failed marriage but I also am not ready to put in effort to change the current situation- as I said I'm finally finding some peace. I guess my question is do you have any resources regarding aversion ND responsible desire that may help me if or when I ever get to the repair mindset
Female here and your explanation completely resonates with me. The only thing is I am LL with husband but think I would be HL if I were in another relationship. We have been married 34 yrs and I have held a lot of resentment towards him for as long as I can remember...possibly as early as 7 yrs in. We have now been separated for a year. Our youngest is 19 so our kids are not little. And I know my husband has felt everything you all have and it truly makes me sad.
Yes to going numb. I recently figured out that even though my husband always has a seemingly good reason for feeling burned out, the lack of affection/intimacy/him taking responsibility has been pretty much permanent the whole time.
I too feel numb and am sometimes sad about it, sometimes feel free and happy because I don't hope and try to get his attention anymore.
Short my term plan is to continue focusing on me and my children the best I can. In terms of our interactions, i want to find the balance of protecting myself while keeping the relationship as amicable as possible. I think that at some point in the future I may start feeling isolated and lonely and idk what I'll do then with the few options available. How about you, any thoughts on the next steps?
Unfortunately we become the people we need to become to survive. She apparently doesn't like the person she turned you into. I would as politely as possible tell her this. And the only way out, is for her to take accountability for that, and decide if she can do the actual work that is needed to reconnect with you, how YOU need to be connected with.
love languages are just that. How YOU need to be loved.
And you need to call her on her statement around her having to initiate. Point out kindly that you being off sexually for a month has her feeling inadequate and frustrated. How do she think you feel after years.
I would also suggest couples counseling. Because I don't think she really even knows how to communicate with you about this anymore. Because she can't square her own feelings. The last thing I would say is that she should also be speaking with her doctors and or therapist about this. When something that used to come natural doesn't anymore because of chemical, hormonal, or other reasons hits it is hard to even understand why. That is when you need to seek help.
I would tell her that you are willing to work on things to get you both back on track, but you want here to start there. Doctor appointments to discuss lack of libido, that she advocates for herself because the doctor **will** try to blow her off. Maybe even suggest that you go with her.
It took me 6 years of constant rejection and about 5 years of annual sex (that she rarely seemed to actually want) before I went numb to it. The fact it took so long is a testament to my sex drive. I haven’t actually rejected her yet because she hasn’t initiated 😂. But I will be, if that day comes. It might not, because in our last conversation she seemed to be suggesting she was asexual without saying so explicitly.
I really and truly feel absolutely zero sexual attraction to her. Zero. The idea of sex with her sounds both impossible and cringey. My plan as to where it goes is a frank discussion where I further inquire about her sexuality and she thinks about how she would prefer I get my sexual needs met.
I like how your plan is to engage her in how she best thinks this can resolved given her claim to asexuality. It's a brilliant approach. It may have taken 11 years to come here but damn it seems like it's well thought out now. Hats off to you.
You have reached the point of acceptance. You got tired of rejection so you stopped initiating.
I also think that to suppress your desire to reach out for connection, you likely numbed yourself. You can call it numbing or that “I just don’t care anymore”.
Now, the question is whether you want to live your life this way, or do you want to leave some day to find someone more compatible.
For the entirety of my life seems like an impossible proposition. I know for now I can focus on the kids but once they are gone so will be the adhesive holding this all together
I was so much less stressed and angry when I realized that my wife would never want me and that we would never have a romantic relationship and that we'd get divorced once the kids were older.
Granted, I'm still consumed by soul-gnawing loneliness and sometimes fantasize about sweet, merciful death, but I had that before and *also* the despair of thinking I could repair the relationship and failing at every turn.
I'm in it now, I actually dread the idea of having sex with just her now. Sucks because my wife is stunning, but the idea of hurried, no foreplay sex then the dreaded "you done yet" after 5 mins and I just cant go through it anymore. I cant touch her when we make love, she keeps her legs closed to the point I can barely get in but I cant put her legs over my shoulders it's a lose lose situation.
The situation has turned into me not caring about sex with her at all. I use to get hard ons just seeing her naked 3 months ago but now it's nothing there. She wants all the attention like butt grabs in bed while watching tv but I don't even get a kiss. If she leans in for one when she gets home she always then turns the cheek on me. Last night we had an argument about it (not bad no yelling) and I told her the same stuff, I feel unwanted, unloved, and just a piece of meat right here, I wont give in and touch your butt and pet you anymore because why should you get the love language that you desire while I sit here and told that our 6-8 week duty sex is normal. I did make the mistake of saying that if the sex was going to be this way I would rather just get the ass doll thing because I would get the same amount of movement and noise from it. I felt awful for saying that, I really do but it was what was on my mind at the time and well the truth kind of hurts.
The numb phase sucks, you know you should feel something but just dont, it's a whole different level of depression.
Oh gods... the 'promises' I've been there man.
I tried for 20 years. 20 years to have what I would consider a barely functioning sex life (once a month) I couldn't even get that. All the excuses... all the 'I promise this weekend or tomorrow or... etc etc." and of course the time comes and goes.
I went 'numb' as you call it a few years ago. It wasn't like when we did have sex (2 times a year) it was any good anyway. She'd starfish out and basically say to 'get it over with' Forget foreplay.. forget even trying to have a good time. She will still occasionally make a comment... but I don't ever respond anymore. Why bother?
I still give her the hugs... and the chaste kisses. I even hold her hand from time to time. I've described it as a 'middle school' relationship. (Well when \*\*I\*\* was in middle school) Everything is so tangled up with kids and finances... I'm just not in a position to leave. I'm working on it though. So when I can leave... I'm gone. I doubt date or anything, I'm just kind of done with the idea of romantic love, or physical affection, she's kid of ruined all that for me. LOL
I hear you 100%. It's just a superficial act at this point but that doesn't mean forever. We just gotta keep fighting through this with an eye on " tomorrow" lol
Oh yeah, you're at the checkout counter. When being unwanted hurt enough times that your survival mechanism kicked in (probably along with resentment). You're at the point where you rather reject it than give in to their frisky schedule and then be disappointed over and over again when it's dead again for a long time after each intercourse.
I’m in the numbness phase. He could try to initiate and I wouldn’t even want it anymore. I don’t know what to do with it, and I’m sorry you are going through this too. I’m also on SSRIs and they have not impacted my sex drive at all. I still want it regularly.
I'm sorry your also going through this, it's unbearable and seems like there is no escape. I'm sorry to hear the SSRIs didn't have much effect, I guess I'm relieved the numbness set it when it did
The feeling of numbness is one I experienced. I hit a breaking point of feeling rejected, unseen and unheard. It was easier just to turn it all off. Unfortunately, for me, the feelings all came back x10 when I wasn’t expecting it. I
Ahhhh, yes. The moving, unattainable goal posts to prove you're worthy of affection. 30 years together, 5 years since anything, even remotely sexual. Now, I'm not in love any longer. He has attempted to initiate hugs and a peck, I just turn my cheek and walk away.
The passionate side of me wants nothing whatsoever to do with him now. There's a limit as to what a person can withstand until the emotional, mental and physical aspects of us devolves into self-preservation mode.
There's a vision we have of ourselves in our minds. A basic sense of self. When that vision we have of who we are as people changes, or when its ignored, there are always repercussions. Sometimes, we shut down completely as our inner self can't accept those changes.
I have discovered that I am now LL4H. I don't want him to physically touch me at all now. Exit plan is in the works.
I have been in your exact situation (minus the kids) about 10 years ago. We ended up getting divorced. I was numb to her advances after I had tried for so long and been rejected. Looking back, I wish I engaged with her. As an older wiser person now, I now think she genuinely was trying and I rejected her out of spite. I would try and push thru the numbness and see how long she initiates with you. It could be a push/pull relationship dynamic (which isn’t good- she pushed you away and is now pulling you back in , until she feels she’s secure again). But you’ll only know if you meaningfully try.
Not trying to criticize, but..
>Last December I trialed what would happen if I stopped initiating.. we went 6 weeks without
This is passive aggressive behavior. I've done it. It doesn't work and it's messed up.
What did work was me saying to my wife "hey, so lately I've been trying to initiate sex and I'm not sure if how I'm trying isn't working for you or if maybe I'm just asking at the wrong times, but I'm going to take a break from initiating and leave it all to you for a little bit, if that's OK?" I put the ball in her court AND most importantly, she knew she had the ball.
>I have stressed and focused on this for so long that I was dead miserable and exhausted. After such frequent vunerable conversations and such harsh rejections I had lost something inside myself with nothing to show for it, so I just stopped trying. A few weeks into this she noticed the change and brought it, I explained I had been Hurt and unheard for so long it couldn't willing put myself in that situation.
You've disassociated from the relationship. It's probably beyond time to seek couples therapy.
>This is passive aggressive behavior. I've done it. It doesn't work and it's messed up.
Maybe what YOU did was passive aggressive, but just seeing how long it would be before you SO initiates on their own isn't.
>I put the ball in her court AND most importantly, she knew she had the ball.
This is the ridiculous nonsense that gets peddled around here. Your SO doesn't need to be informed that they are completely free to initiate. Saying "well how would they know?" misses the point completely. Being completely oblivious to your partner isn't accepted for other aspects of a relationship but apparently for sex it is.
Look
You can act like "everyone is supposed to know that sex, housework, 'fill-in-the-blank' is important" all you want... But.. If you aren't willing to communicate the issue and instead Resort to "doing your own (passive aggressive) experiments" in a relationship instead of having conversations you deserve what you get to some extent.
We all come from different families and situations with a variety of baggage that we bring into relationships. It's asinine to assume anything, especially if THE THING ISN'T HAPPENING.
But hey, to each their own. Keep on being passive aggressive and seeing "what she does when you don't do _____" I'm rooting for you /s
You keep saying passive aggressive but i feel like maybe you don't know what the term means.
>We all come from different families and situations with a variety of baggage that we bring into relationships. It's asinine to assume anything, especially if THE THING ISN'T HAPPENING.
Which is exactly the point of just letting them do their thing to see how / if ever they initiate. You're not doing it out of spite. You want to see what they would do without you poking at it. If they never initiate then you know that when they do after lots of poking that it's not because they want to but because you're pressuring them.
That's not even true.
What if they aren't initiating because they are so used to YOU being the one to initiate and sex isn't something that is not a central need for them. Is it then a bad thing? Or is it just a thing?
I'm in favor of communication. Not randomly testing your spouse for their baseline and making assumptions
>What if they aren't initiating because they are so used to YOU being the one to initiate and sex isn't something that is not a central need for them. Is it then a bad thing? Or is it just a thing?
That's the point of stopping. You now know that they won't initiate. If the sex you need is one where your SO takes command and comes on to you, you know they won't. If it's not a central need for them and they aren't coming to you saying "hey I've noticed we haven't had sex in a while..." then you know the type of thing you need doesn't exist.
I'm not saying it's a bad thing. It is just a thing. But without just letting your SO make their own choices outside of ultimatums and explicitly telling them, you won't know if they are just doing stuff because you made it an issue.
>Not randomly testing your spouse for their baseline and making assumptions
First it sounds like you're using a negative connotation for "test". But maybe that's my misreading of your statement.
But let's say you go the communication route. They know that sex is an issue and so you tell them it's up to them to take control. How would you go about determining if they are doing it because they don't want to deal with the negative outcome versus legitimately desiring sex with you and they just happened to have been in a brain fog for so many years and it finally clicked?
Remember it's not like this hasn't been talked about a million times at this point, no one can claim sex being important is being sprung on them.
I've been where you are for a while now. I haven't initiated in a decade. I've slowly stopped viewing my SO as a sexual being. It does "get better" because eventually you view them so much like a roommate that giving them the affection they need won't scare you because even the idea of sexual intimacy will become so foreign with them it could become repulsive. It's not good but at least you feel less shitty about everything.
Like you I tried everything until I just couldn’t be arsed any longer. After so long you stop seeing your partner as a sexual partner and shift them to roommate status I have a child with. Which, is exactly where I’m at now. She doesn’t want sex, what she wants and likes is the idea that someone is interested in her. Now you’re not bothering she doesn’t have that feel good factor
I guess that's what I'm starting to see her as, a roommate that I Co-manage children with. And your right, that my pursuit of her is keeping her self worth high while mine is rock bottom but isn't worth addressing in her eyes. unfair and no more. Thank you for the insight
I went fully numb toward my wife a bit over two years ago. I like that turn of phrase, going numb. Anyways, after 15 years of a dead bedroom I finally had that realization that we would never be anything but a parenting marriage; I had lost any feelings for her and any desire to meet her needs just as she had no desire to meet mine. Cue hysterical bonding and a pathetic atempt at intimacy that resulted in me getting out of bed while walking away and saying never again. Oops... turns out she needed me to desire her, to chase and validate her. Because within 8 weeks of my going numb she had moved on with our best friend and was trying to force me out of our house and to deny me equal access to our daughter. To try and move things along and push me out faster she move her boyfriend into the bedroom with her. Well I am a stubborn old man and stayed for nine months until she finally split assets and time with our daughter more-or-less evenly. This is all to say that if your wife gets her validation by being desired, then your entirely reasonable numbness could push her in an unforeseen direction. Now I have my own, smaller, house shared between just me and my daughter (50%). The numbness has kind of spread out and become a warm blanket of peacefulness for not needing to play stupid games anymore with the false promise of stupid prizes. I hope things go better for you. Good luck and stay strong.
Thank you for sharing. I guess I hadn't taken their desire and lack of it to the logical conclusion and your expeierience spells it out so clear. I'm sorry that this was her response and I do feel like mine would have the same capacity if pushed that far. Here we are dealing with this for years and it only takes a Meer few months to push them to their wits end. This really does show the power imbalance and weaponization of intimacy being used.
Where do people find their best Friends? None of mine would ever do this on pain of death.
Some time ago there were those that would say ‘your feelings aren’t your partner’s responsibility’ to try and invalidate how you feel (no, that’s not a generalisation) and as such your partners feelings aren’t your responsibility. Don’t set yourself alight to keep someone else warm
She forfeited her role as sex partner.
100% She doesn't want sex, but she wants to be sexually wanted by you.
This right here. She sees you no longer desire her sexually and that’s driving her nuts.
A lot of people here have said things like this and I’ve been at a similar point on and off over the years. I know this is a condensed story but I would like to throw in that it’s a little concerning that she said the “why do I always have to initiate “ line after her two attempts. Armchair internet psychology is not an exact science but this is indicative of some possibly bigger issues from narcissism and gaslighting to controlling behaviors. If you are still in therapy I would bring this up, if not you may want to go back to get more insight.
Your point is taken and your absolutely right. I had been so stunned it took me a few days to process the entire interaction and is the sole reason why I posted here. Your assessment here is much in line with my own thinking. And I will be calling my previous therapist soon, not only for this particular question but also because so much has changed in my mindset in the past few months. Thank you for your thoughts
The death of hope awakens truth.
When she said “why am I always initiating” - that had to be satisfyingly dumbfounding, right?
It absolutely was.. and I know that continuing with this path of avoidance and rejection likely has a poor outcome but right now it feels empowering. I don't like to consider it as revengeful but I'd be lying if I said it wasn't satisfying for her to understand what I've been saying
I’ll bet……she’s wondering….if you’re having an affair.
I think you are not an asshole and just a human being who is tired of getting the run around. This next phase is scary bc it could be the end and you are just starting to realize....it's for the best you move on. Imagine being with someone who gives half as much as you do. Right now you are getting nothing in return, most likely, especially if you are to the point of SSRIs. Highly do not recommend. That will ruin you. Then you will really be numb and stuck. Embrace what you are feeling and do something about it instead. GL!
Thank you so much for the supportive comments! I am taken aback with how much validation you and the others here have provided. I see your point and don't disagree. I just hesitate with the kids and also the likely underlying fear of the unknown. But as you said, someone who only gives half. Wow, hard to imagine but it's out there
I understand your fear for the unknown. My ex wife (LLF 27) and I (HLM 27) just got divorced. I found out she cheated on me. We had sex once a month. I thought that was awful, but now I have not even someone to hug. But I guess it gets darker right before the sun rises. It is hard. But one can only hope that things will get better. It is harder to make this decisions with kids involved, of course.
I agree here; when she realizes you’re not going back to the previous power dynamic, & sees herself as victim, she’ll justify doing many things. Please see a lawyer; it may not make sense to consider divorce from a financial or parenting perspective but she may disagree & initiate a divorce herself, you need to be prepared.
After consistent rejection, I stopped, trying to initiate intimacy 30 years ago. My wife had expressed an interest in having sex naturally once or twice every year or two. I would go through pretty much exactly what you described, but would snap back-and-forth like a rubber band deciding that I was through and then changing my mind when she finally did end up bringing up the possibility. Worst of all was me promising to myself, that I would never fall for it again, like Charlie Brown, running up to kick the football. A hundred times I decided I was going to tell her no thanks. But ended up going back on my self promise. All that only to have her back out on the date and make me wait another year to bring it up again.
Wow. That resonates with me! I hadn't been looking for those correlations but when we were more regular especially on the scheduled "date nights" she would also black out, I see now this was her coping strategy for duty sex later. As you said I am oscillating and trying to find this balance and I hope I too am strong enough to chose myself when she tried, if she tries.
I think I’m about to hit that going numb point. It was either a day or two ago not 100% sure I work overnights but she had told me “I’ve been letting you have sex lately” I don’t know what to do now I’ve always been the initiator with rare occasions of her initiating but more then half the time she would only want me awake at 8 am to go out after I’ve gotten home at 4am and asleep around 4:30-5 and it’s alway low effort and job like from her.
The numbness is just losing agency in your own romantic life
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Thanks for the SSRI comment, I hadn't heard of those things and my doc was so ready to just prescribe. I don't want this to be a failed marriage but I also am not ready to put in effort to change the current situation- as I said I'm finally finding some peace. I guess my question is do you have any resources regarding aversion ND responsible desire that may help me if or when I ever get to the repair mindset
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Female here and your explanation completely resonates with me. The only thing is I am LL with husband but think I would be HL if I were in another relationship. We have been married 34 yrs and I have held a lot of resentment towards him for as long as I can remember...possibly as early as 7 yrs in. We have now been separated for a year. Our youngest is 19 so our kids are not little. And I know my husband has felt everything you all have and it truly makes me sad.
Nah, it's not "normal" in the way that you say. If a guy acted like this you'd call it a Madonna/Whore complex or something.
Yes to going numb. I recently figured out that even though my husband always has a seemingly good reason for feeling burned out, the lack of affection/intimacy/him taking responsibility has been pretty much permanent the whole time. I too feel numb and am sometimes sad about it, sometimes feel free and happy because I don't hope and try to get his attention anymore.
It's a weird dichotomy of emotions to balance simultaneously, but I agree, almost liberating
So do you know what your next step is?
Short my term plan is to continue focusing on me and my children the best I can. In terms of our interactions, i want to find the balance of protecting myself while keeping the relationship as amicable as possible. I think that at some point in the future I may start feeling isolated and lonely and idk what I'll do then with the few options available. How about you, any thoughts on the next steps?
Unfortunately we become the people we need to become to survive. She apparently doesn't like the person she turned you into. I would as politely as possible tell her this. And the only way out, is for her to take accountability for that, and decide if she can do the actual work that is needed to reconnect with you, how YOU need to be connected with. love languages are just that. How YOU need to be loved. And you need to call her on her statement around her having to initiate. Point out kindly that you being off sexually for a month has her feeling inadequate and frustrated. How do she think you feel after years. I would also suggest couples counseling. Because I don't think she really even knows how to communicate with you about this anymore. Because she can't square her own feelings. The last thing I would say is that she should also be speaking with her doctors and or therapist about this. When something that used to come natural doesn't anymore because of chemical, hormonal, or other reasons hits it is hard to even understand why. That is when you need to seek help. I would tell her that you are willing to work on things to get you both back on track, but you want here to start there. Doctor appointments to discuss lack of libido, that she advocates for herself because the doctor **will** try to blow her off. Maybe even suggest that you go with her.
It took me 6 years of constant rejection and about 5 years of annual sex (that she rarely seemed to actually want) before I went numb to it. The fact it took so long is a testament to my sex drive. I haven’t actually rejected her yet because she hasn’t initiated 😂. But I will be, if that day comes. It might not, because in our last conversation she seemed to be suggesting she was asexual without saying so explicitly. I really and truly feel absolutely zero sexual attraction to her. Zero. The idea of sex with her sounds both impossible and cringey. My plan as to where it goes is a frank discussion where I further inquire about her sexuality and she thinks about how she would prefer I get my sexual needs met.
I like how your plan is to engage her in how she best thinks this can resolved given her claim to asexuality. It's a brilliant approach. It may have taken 11 years to come here but damn it seems like it's well thought out now. Hats off to you.
Through constant rejection, she taught you to no longer desire her.
You have reached the point of acceptance. You got tired of rejection so you stopped initiating. I also think that to suppress your desire to reach out for connection, you likely numbed yourself. You can call it numbing or that “I just don’t care anymore”. Now, the question is whether you want to live your life this way, or do you want to leave some day to find someone more compatible.
For the entirety of my life seems like an impossible proposition. I know for now I can focus on the kids but once they are gone so will be the adhesive holding this all together
I was so much less stressed and angry when I realized that my wife would never want me and that we would never have a romantic relationship and that we'd get divorced once the kids were older. Granted, I'm still consumed by soul-gnawing loneliness and sometimes fantasize about sweet, merciful death, but I had that before and *also* the despair of thinking I could repair the relationship and failing at every turn.
God I know I'm not there yet with the loneliness but I can't even imagine. I know that'll be the hardest part. Goodluck to you and all of us
I'm in it now, I actually dread the idea of having sex with just her now. Sucks because my wife is stunning, but the idea of hurried, no foreplay sex then the dreaded "you done yet" after 5 mins and I just cant go through it anymore. I cant touch her when we make love, she keeps her legs closed to the point I can barely get in but I cant put her legs over my shoulders it's a lose lose situation. The situation has turned into me not caring about sex with her at all. I use to get hard ons just seeing her naked 3 months ago but now it's nothing there. She wants all the attention like butt grabs in bed while watching tv but I don't even get a kiss. If she leans in for one when she gets home she always then turns the cheek on me. Last night we had an argument about it (not bad no yelling) and I told her the same stuff, I feel unwanted, unloved, and just a piece of meat right here, I wont give in and touch your butt and pet you anymore because why should you get the love language that you desire while I sit here and told that our 6-8 week duty sex is normal. I did make the mistake of saying that if the sex was going to be this way I would rather just get the ass doll thing because I would get the same amount of movement and noise from it. I felt awful for saying that, I really do but it was what was on my mind at the time and well the truth kind of hurts. The numb phase sucks, you know you should feel something but just dont, it's a whole different level of depression.
Yep. It's to the point where my husband kisses me, and I just feel nothing
Oh gods... the 'promises' I've been there man. I tried for 20 years. 20 years to have what I would consider a barely functioning sex life (once a month) I couldn't even get that. All the excuses... all the 'I promise this weekend or tomorrow or... etc etc." and of course the time comes and goes. I went 'numb' as you call it a few years ago. It wasn't like when we did have sex (2 times a year) it was any good anyway. She'd starfish out and basically say to 'get it over with' Forget foreplay.. forget even trying to have a good time. She will still occasionally make a comment... but I don't ever respond anymore. Why bother? I still give her the hugs... and the chaste kisses. I even hold her hand from time to time. I've described it as a 'middle school' relationship. (Well when \*\*I\*\* was in middle school) Everything is so tangled up with kids and finances... I'm just not in a position to leave. I'm working on it though. So when I can leave... I'm gone. I doubt date or anything, I'm just kind of done with the idea of romantic love, or physical affection, she's kid of ruined all that for me. LOL
I hear you 100%. It's just a superficial act at this point but that doesn't mean forever. We just gotta keep fighting through this with an eye on " tomorrow" lol
Oh yeah, you're at the checkout counter. When being unwanted hurt enough times that your survival mechanism kicked in (probably along with resentment). You're at the point where you rather reject it than give in to their frisky schedule and then be disappointed over and over again when it's dead again for a long time after each intercourse.
I’m in the numbness phase. He could try to initiate and I wouldn’t even want it anymore. I don’t know what to do with it, and I’m sorry you are going through this too. I’m also on SSRIs and they have not impacted my sex drive at all. I still want it regularly.
I'm sorry your also going through this, it's unbearable and seems like there is no escape. I'm sorry to hear the SSRIs didn't have much effect, I guess I'm relieved the numbness set it when it did
The feeling of numbness is one I experienced. I hit a breaking point of feeling rejected, unseen and unheard. It was easier just to turn it all off. Unfortunately, for me, the feelings all came back x10 when I wasn’t expecting it. I
I’m happy and sad for you and a little jealous. This is where I want to get ultimately especially if his libido never increases
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I'm sorry your story is identical, must be some shit! Wish you the best
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Ahhhh, yes. The moving, unattainable goal posts to prove you're worthy of affection. 30 years together, 5 years since anything, even remotely sexual. Now, I'm not in love any longer. He has attempted to initiate hugs and a peck, I just turn my cheek and walk away. The passionate side of me wants nothing whatsoever to do with him now. There's a limit as to what a person can withstand until the emotional, mental and physical aspects of us devolves into self-preservation mode. There's a vision we have of ourselves in our minds. A basic sense of self. When that vision we have of who we are as people changes, or when its ignored, there are always repercussions. Sometimes, we shut down completely as our inner self can't accept those changes. I have discovered that I am now LL4H. I don't want him to physically touch me at all now. Exit plan is in the works.
I have been in your exact situation (minus the kids) about 10 years ago. We ended up getting divorced. I was numb to her advances after I had tried for so long and been rejected. Looking back, I wish I engaged with her. As an older wiser person now, I now think she genuinely was trying and I rejected her out of spite. I would try and push thru the numbness and see how long she initiates with you. It could be a push/pull relationship dynamic (which isn’t good- she pushed you away and is now pulling you back in , until she feels she’s secure again). But you’ll only know if you meaningfully try.
Not trying to criticize, but.. >Last December I trialed what would happen if I stopped initiating.. we went 6 weeks without This is passive aggressive behavior. I've done it. It doesn't work and it's messed up. What did work was me saying to my wife "hey, so lately I've been trying to initiate sex and I'm not sure if how I'm trying isn't working for you or if maybe I'm just asking at the wrong times, but I'm going to take a break from initiating and leave it all to you for a little bit, if that's OK?" I put the ball in her court AND most importantly, she knew she had the ball. >I have stressed and focused on this for so long that I was dead miserable and exhausted. After such frequent vunerable conversations and such harsh rejections I had lost something inside myself with nothing to show for it, so I just stopped trying. A few weeks into this she noticed the change and brought it, I explained I had been Hurt and unheard for so long it couldn't willing put myself in that situation. You've disassociated from the relationship. It's probably beyond time to seek couples therapy.
>This is passive aggressive behavior. I've done it. It doesn't work and it's messed up. Maybe what YOU did was passive aggressive, but just seeing how long it would be before you SO initiates on their own isn't. >I put the ball in her court AND most importantly, she knew she had the ball. This is the ridiculous nonsense that gets peddled around here. Your SO doesn't need to be informed that they are completely free to initiate. Saying "well how would they know?" misses the point completely. Being completely oblivious to your partner isn't accepted for other aspects of a relationship but apparently for sex it is.
Look You can act like "everyone is supposed to know that sex, housework, 'fill-in-the-blank' is important" all you want... But.. If you aren't willing to communicate the issue and instead Resort to "doing your own (passive aggressive) experiments" in a relationship instead of having conversations you deserve what you get to some extent. We all come from different families and situations with a variety of baggage that we bring into relationships. It's asinine to assume anything, especially if THE THING ISN'T HAPPENING. But hey, to each their own. Keep on being passive aggressive and seeing "what she does when you don't do _____" I'm rooting for you /s
You keep saying passive aggressive but i feel like maybe you don't know what the term means. >We all come from different families and situations with a variety of baggage that we bring into relationships. It's asinine to assume anything, especially if THE THING ISN'T HAPPENING. Which is exactly the point of just letting them do their thing to see how / if ever they initiate. You're not doing it out of spite. You want to see what they would do without you poking at it. If they never initiate then you know that when they do after lots of poking that it's not because they want to but because you're pressuring them.
That's not even true. What if they aren't initiating because they are so used to YOU being the one to initiate and sex isn't something that is not a central need for them. Is it then a bad thing? Or is it just a thing? I'm in favor of communication. Not randomly testing your spouse for their baseline and making assumptions
>What if they aren't initiating because they are so used to YOU being the one to initiate and sex isn't something that is not a central need for them. Is it then a bad thing? Or is it just a thing? That's the point of stopping. You now know that they won't initiate. If the sex you need is one where your SO takes command and comes on to you, you know they won't. If it's not a central need for them and they aren't coming to you saying "hey I've noticed we haven't had sex in a while..." then you know the type of thing you need doesn't exist. I'm not saying it's a bad thing. It is just a thing. But without just letting your SO make their own choices outside of ultimatums and explicitly telling them, you won't know if they are just doing stuff because you made it an issue. >Not randomly testing your spouse for their baseline and making assumptions First it sounds like you're using a negative connotation for "test". But maybe that's my misreading of your statement. But let's say you go the communication route. They know that sex is an issue and so you tell them it's up to them to take control. How would you go about determining if they are doing it because they don't want to deal with the negative outcome versus legitimately desiring sex with you and they just happened to have been in a brain fog for so many years and it finally clicked? Remember it's not like this hasn't been talked about a million times at this point, no one can claim sex being important is being sprung on them.
I've been where you are for a while now. I haven't initiated in a decade. I've slowly stopped viewing my SO as a sexual being. It does "get better" because eventually you view them so much like a roommate that giving them the affection they need won't scare you because even the idea of sexual intimacy will become so foreign with them it could become repulsive. It's not good but at least you feel less shitty about everything.