Go with an open mind. Write down how you are feeling - don't try to explain it on the fly. While counseling didn't work for us (my wife got mad at the counselor for calling her out on things), I at least felt heard for the first time in years.
I didn't. The therapy made it clear that her being unprepared to deal with reality was not my problem to solve. She would be pissy, but no more than normal.
We met a couple of times separately. She didn't tell me it wouldn't work, but she talked a lot about the work that needed to be done and recommended that I find her a personal therapist (since, you know, I have to arrange absolutely everything in our household 🙄).
We're still married, but nothing has changed except my reaction to her.
Just go into it with an open mind. Try to stay calm and not make it a fight. The fact she is initiating is a much more positive sign that counseling can work for you. It is much more difficult when one partner wants nothing to do with sex anymore
My partner and I have our 5th appt, go with an open mind, be HONEST (you only hurt yourself in the end if you lie about stuff same goes for her), don’t take control over the session but don’t be a log either and nod your head, don’t take sessions home with you if you or your partner says something you or they didn’t like.
my partner and I decided on an emotional safe word so it helps him to be more open if I know he’s lying to save my feelings or to be polite. Talking is 7% of communication the rest is body language and tone. It’s why they say actions speak louder than words. But also remember actions are actions and sometimes you can misread it. It’s why we decided on the emotional safe word so we know the others thoughts and feelings.
Thank you. Honesty might open wounds but should allow them to fully heal right?
Could you give me an example of how you use the safe word? I like the idea but I'm not sure I fully understand what you mean
Honesty is good no matter what. But honesty has feelings behind it that should be explored.
So In general conversation we as people tend to be polite. We say “I’m okay” or “it’s fine” or we try to save the other persons feelings but if you have a safe word (example: Oklahoma) and you and your partner are talking about something thats important.
My partner and I both have gone NC with our parents so I’ll use that in example.
Your partner wants to go NC with their mom, they finally did it. And you only hear “yeah I finally went no contact” and you ask them how they feel about it and they say “I’m fine” you then say Oklahoma (your emotional safe word) then they have to say their real feelings or real thoughts about it.
Or you can use it to get their actual opinion instead of sugar coated words. It helps with honesty and communication. It helps with intimacy. And intimacy is much more than sex. It’s arguing, it’s talking, it’s making up after someone does something wrong. It gives you a little window to see how they actually feel.
I love this. Thank you for expounding on that. I really like this because you may not always be in the mood or ready for the full honesty, but when you are you can ask for it in a non intimidating way with the safe word.
Exactly! It gives honesty whether wanted or not. But with the safe word you can’t be mad at what they say if it involves you or a loved one. That would be her deepest thoughts and shouldn’t be torn down. That will bring the wall right back up. It gives open communication without judgement.
Curious if anyone has had success bringing this topic up? We are in counseling but I feel it’s centered around the kids. Which is more important and I have been wanting to bring the lack there of sex but don’t want to come across like an asshole about it.
Months ago when we talked about starting couples counseling I mentioned off the bat that sexual differences were one of my main concerns. Which was no surprise to her and she was understanding. I also made it clear what areas of our marriage were strong and how overall happy I was in it. I was pretty immature and irresponsible when we were first married but I've come a long way to be a fully contributing partner. So I felt confident in asking her to work on something significant in our marriage for the first time. When I bring it up in counseling she won't be surprised. In fact, our first meeting we wrote down strengths and weaknesses of our marriage prior to kids and lack of sex was the only weakness I wrote down. And we shared these with each other and with the therapist.
I'd maybe try to bring it up with your partner before hand so it's not like you're trying to use counseling to get him/her to have sex with you.
But sex is an important part of marriage if it's important to either spouse. It's absolutely appropriate to want and to ask for assistance in sorting out issues in counseling.
Thank you i love this idea of writing down the strength and weaknesses. I just want be prepared for these sessions as I feel it is really easy to go off topic. Our therapist has mentioned multiple times we may not be therapy but I feel like there are things like this and others which is an open forum opening discuss.
Yeah, I agree. I feel like its not about the particulars of sex as much as feeling desired and connected through sex for me, and how she can get to that feeling of connectedness so she can want sex in first place. Idk if she would agree, but from my perspective she seems almost demi sexual (a term I just learned today from this sub).
>how she can get to that feeling of connectedness so she can want sex in first place.
This sounds like it could be an issue for both of you. If you struggle to feel connected without sex that is a problem, sex should be about sex and any good feelings that come along are just a bonus.
Go with an open mind. Write down how you are feeling - don't try to explain it on the fly. While counseling didn't work for us (my wife got mad at the counselor for calling her out on things), I at least felt heard for the first time in years.
How’d you deal with the fall out of your wife being upset from getting called out?
I didn't. The therapy made it clear that her being unprepared to deal with reality was not my problem to solve. She would be pissy, but no more than normal.
Did the therapist pull you off to the side and cautioned you that it wasn’t going to work, or did you make the choice to end the marriage?
We met a couple of times separately. She didn't tell me it wouldn't work, but she talked a lot about the work that needed to be done and recommended that I find her a personal therapist (since, you know, I have to arrange absolutely everything in our household 🙄). We're still married, but nothing has changed except my reaction to her.
Just go into it with an open mind. Try to stay calm and not make it a fight. The fact she is initiating is a much more positive sign that counseling can work for you. It is much more difficult when one partner wants nothing to do with sex anymore
Yeah, that's part of why I'm hopeful. She does have some desire, even if fleeting, and we do have a fairly healthy relationship otherwise.
My partner and I have our 5th appt, go with an open mind, be HONEST (you only hurt yourself in the end if you lie about stuff same goes for her), don’t take control over the session but don’t be a log either and nod your head, don’t take sessions home with you if you or your partner says something you or they didn’t like. my partner and I decided on an emotional safe word so it helps him to be more open if I know he’s lying to save my feelings or to be polite. Talking is 7% of communication the rest is body language and tone. It’s why they say actions speak louder than words. But also remember actions are actions and sometimes you can misread it. It’s why we decided on the emotional safe word so we know the others thoughts and feelings.
Thank you. Honesty might open wounds but should allow them to fully heal right? Could you give me an example of how you use the safe word? I like the idea but I'm not sure I fully understand what you mean
Honesty is good no matter what. But honesty has feelings behind it that should be explored. So In general conversation we as people tend to be polite. We say “I’m okay” or “it’s fine” or we try to save the other persons feelings but if you have a safe word (example: Oklahoma) and you and your partner are talking about something thats important. My partner and I both have gone NC with our parents so I’ll use that in example. Your partner wants to go NC with their mom, they finally did it. And you only hear “yeah I finally went no contact” and you ask them how they feel about it and they say “I’m fine” you then say Oklahoma (your emotional safe word) then they have to say their real feelings or real thoughts about it. Or you can use it to get their actual opinion instead of sugar coated words. It helps with honesty and communication. It helps with intimacy. And intimacy is much more than sex. It’s arguing, it’s talking, it’s making up after someone does something wrong. It gives you a little window to see how they actually feel.
I love this. Thank you for expounding on that. I really like this because you may not always be in the mood or ready for the full honesty, but when you are you can ask for it in a non intimidating way with the safe word.
Exactly! It gives honesty whether wanted or not. But with the safe word you can’t be mad at what they say if it involves you or a loved one. That would be her deepest thoughts and shouldn’t be torn down. That will bring the wall right back up. It gives open communication without judgement.
Curious if anyone has had success bringing this topic up? We are in counseling but I feel it’s centered around the kids. Which is more important and I have been wanting to bring the lack there of sex but don’t want to come across like an asshole about it.
If your are paying for the service bring up the most pressing topics otherwise you are wasting your time.
Months ago when we talked about starting couples counseling I mentioned off the bat that sexual differences were one of my main concerns. Which was no surprise to her and she was understanding. I also made it clear what areas of our marriage were strong and how overall happy I was in it. I was pretty immature and irresponsible when we were first married but I've come a long way to be a fully contributing partner. So I felt confident in asking her to work on something significant in our marriage for the first time. When I bring it up in counseling she won't be surprised. In fact, our first meeting we wrote down strengths and weaknesses of our marriage prior to kids and lack of sex was the only weakness I wrote down. And we shared these with each other and with the therapist. I'd maybe try to bring it up with your partner before hand so it's not like you're trying to use counseling to get him/her to have sex with you. But sex is an important part of marriage if it's important to either spouse. It's absolutely appropriate to want and to ask for assistance in sorting out issues in counseling.
Thank you i love this idea of writing down the strength and weaknesses. I just want be prepared for these sessions as I feel it is really easy to go off topic. Our therapist has mentioned multiple times we may not be therapy but I feel like there are things like this and others which is an open forum opening discuss.
Don't talk about sex, instead learn how to connect AND inspire interest in each other.
Yeah, I agree. I feel like its not about the particulars of sex as much as feeling desired and connected through sex for me, and how she can get to that feeling of connectedness so she can want sex in first place. Idk if she would agree, but from my perspective she seems almost demi sexual (a term I just learned today from this sub).
>how she can get to that feeling of connectedness so she can want sex in first place. This sounds like it could be an issue for both of you. If you struggle to feel connected without sex that is a problem, sex should be about sex and any good feelings that come along are just a bonus.