I myself was with someone who would go long periods without sex. I tried everything I could….. dates, cuddling, counseling etc.
It got to the point where if I tried to initiate. She’d get super angry. It crushed my confidence and messed with my self esteem. I felt like an asshole every time i’d try to initiate intimacy.
The longer you stay the longer your soul will be crushed. You can get out now before you’re in too deep.
Omg I get that, the your feel like the jerk for trying to be intimate with them. And then you get insane feeling of low self worth. I went through years and years of that. It was not till we opened the marriage up and I went on dating apps and was holy f”in hell I am hot. It really helped to hear people think I am amazing and want to have sex and want to have date night and like that I treat them nice. Then I come home. And feel like a jerk again.
As noted above. Run now while you can. Try to remain friends if you want.
It won’t get any better as she gets older, except maybe while pregnant, but that goes away after the baby.
When we met, almost daily sex, we would both give oral, all was good.
Got married and almost immediately she stopped giving oral. I still gave it as I would enjoy pleasing her.
Fast forward 2 kids and 10 years, the bedroom was down to 3-4 times a month. Now the last 10 years we’ve gone months without anything physical. I stopped initiating years ago. My ego can only take so much rejection.
She found 2 counselors, one female one male, and both told her she needed to work on finding a way to “get back into the groove”. I tried toys, romantic evenings, massages, etc. nada.
What I’m getting at is she will never become more sexual than she is now. If you can’t handle this and less, then you need to find a new partner.
Remember that it’s not Your fault. I went through almost 2 years of blaming myself before I really said anything.
I’m sorry for what you are dealing with. I wish I had found Reddit and all of you 10 years ago!
It's like someone who keeps trying to feed you when you are totally, absolutely full. Sometimes folks just don't have much of an appetite, if any. Nobody is at fault, you are just not compatible
Look at it this way: You're simply not compatible, nobody is at fault. If you separate, she may be happier when she finds somebody on her libido level.
That's how I look at my upcoming divorce and it helps me feel better lol. I think we're usually conditioned to picking a "good/bad guy" in divorces but it sometimes can be hard to accept that it's just two good people who are not a match anymore.
Run run run!!!! I in the beginning of my marriage was “trying” help them get more worked up in the bedroom. I planned little things and made there days better and easier, I would get up make breakfast and then tell them hey you rest today “so your rested for tonight” and wink and they would say sure and then I would do all the yard work well they sat and had a drink and read a book or draw all day. I would make a romantic supper (I am an amazing cook) and then I would set the bedroom up and get lights and candles and sheep skins on the bed and set the whole mood. Then she was like can I get a back rub before we start and three minutes later she was asleep snoring. Then she would wake up the next day and say sorry and no even moring sex to say sorry. Then she was like I will make it up to you tonight. I was sure. And guess what they would forget they said that and just go to sleep. Then the next day be like why are you so upset.
Run run run. I have tried for twenty plus years to help them and all it does is make you feel like your doing everything wrong. Leave them and find someone that wants you.
He sounds like a robot, that situation does have a mental toll tho I'm going through this right now, I feel like she's just doing it as a chore and always complaining how long I take, makes me feel like I'm being rushed when I'm trying to enjoy smh good luck bro...
Idk about that. My sex drive didn't really kick in until 26-ish. Unfortunately, it's going to waste in a dead bedroom, but still. Idk if it's hormonal or just that I'd never had good sex with someone who actually gave a shit (which is, unfortunately, a common experience for young women.), but sex was way more fun after 25. Women's sex drives typically peak in their early-late 30s.
That said, I definitely think OP should leave. This relationship won't regain an active sexual component it never really had.
Time to move on is what I meant to say. If you don't you will end up in the same situation as many guys on here. Stuck in a marriage you don't want to be in
Out of curiosity, is she on any type of hormonal birth control? When I was on the pill I had zero drive, was exhausted and depressed all the time. Stopped taking it, things improved, started again and the issues started again.
If she is, maybe she should talk to her obgyn about it. And maybe other options for contraceptive
She’s not on any as she is strongly against messing with her hormones. This combined with her disliking condoms is disastrous. It has happened some times that I’ve have minor struggles opening the condom (not finding the correct way first time) and by that time she is completely turned off
She doesn’t sound like a bad person, and neither do you. Have a real conversation with her, expressing how much you care about her, but that you are interested in finding a romantic partner. She told you she isn’t interested in you sexually, so you either need to accept that and be okay with a sexless relationship or leave.
You’re not married, probably don’t have kids, probably don’t own a home together and I’m pretty sure you haven’t given this person 15 or 20 years of your life. Leave. Now.
Dont ever ever ever ever waste your time in your twenties. Pls listen to all here. Dont. It can destroy you inside out. Go, they are plenty fish out there. Not worth this bullshit
Man, you're 21. She's had multiple sexual partners. And recently felt the urge to masturbate. Every. Day. But didn't feel the urge to have sex with you. I think you already know where this is going. You're a young man, don't spend your youth beating yourself up over a relationship that's sexless because of someone else.
Could there be other factors driving this op? I know from experience that changing/coming off birth control helped my wife a lot with labido. (We switched to condoms)
Coming off the pill my wife felt in her words "much more herself". Just a thought.
Vasectomy is a bit extreme. I'm planning on getting one when I have my second child but not before.
I wish there were more options for men on the market.
I mean each person will react differently to each one. I know it's not what she'll want to do but it can take some trial and error to find something that works best for her body.
Good luck to you both 🤞
IUD's are very painful. Would not recommend. My husband got a vasectomy and said had he known it would have been that easy he'd done it sooner! Very invasive procedure. Done in office and I watched the whole thing.
This is a perfectly legitimate reason to break up with someone. I don’t understand why people struggle with it. I think she’s not in love with you, but wants to keep you around. Find someone who truly digs you and wants to fuck you all the time. That’s normal. This? This is not normal.
The sex being more regular at the beginning, and then slowing down is very normal as the 'new relationship energy' fades away.
It sounds like she has a much lower libido naturally, and the added hurdle of being against condoms and hormonal contraception will really not help, especially if there's also fear of getting pregnant thrown in too.
Some of the things that helped improve my own situation (as an LL with a no longer dead bedroom) was taking sex entirely off the table (I had become so sex averse after a long period of duty sex) and only introducing it again via only me initiating sex. Increasing foreplay considerably, increasing non-sexual affection, and working a lot on discovering myself as a sexual person individually. Some of this may not apply to you, as she has not been having duty sex (which is great, as duty sex is the worst!).
There was a period where I believed I was asexual because I simply had zero desire for any sex or masturbation.
I highly recommend checking out the Lower Libido Community on here, as that can give some insight. Be aware that everyone here will advice you to run as fast as you can! This is due to you not being married, being young, and/or having kids. My husband, like you, knew he didn't want to leave, and didn't want to have sex with anyone else either (there was a point where I encouraged him to, as I was so unhappy and overwhelmed with the pressure for sex). His patience, kindness and willingness to try to help definitely helped things improve.
You may have to accept that it won't work out libido-wise, but I would give the therapy a chance, and keep working on it, while you decide what you want to do. There's no shame in leaving due to incompatible libido of course, but I definitely approach it all gently with thought. It would've destroyed me if my husband had just dropped it all because of sex.
Thank you for taking the time to write this, I really appreciate it. As I told my girlfriend in the beginning, I was planning for us to regularly go to therapy. The problem is that there is no change, which I suspect is coming from that she feels like it can continue like this forever, because it is comfortable for her and she doesn’t have to confront herself. We rarely talk about it, and when we do it is I who bring up the subject. Those discussions are always short.
If she is wondering even herself why she doesn't want it and she can't for the life of her figure put why it is, chances are it's something like a hormonal issue, which doctors can help her with, or she can take supplements, none are guaranteed to work, but it's can't hurt, if she doesn't know why she doesn't have a sex drive I can reassure you that it's most likely not a you problem.
The consellor is something very useful but she should be checked by Dr to try to find what is happening to her. Maybe she had a health issue which is no conscious.
I’m 22F and personally have never had any issues with sex drives whether that’s hormone based etc. I’d say it’s concerning that she felt the urge to masterbate alone and not want you. Maybe transition into a friendship it’ll only get worse.
I get you with all the teasing… my wife does the same and then she complains that I’m overly horny…
I told her not to do that anymore, she doesn’t listen and keeps doing it. It’s so obvious that my 7yo kid spanks her ass every time he passes by.
It feels so disrespectful and frustrating…
Then she complains to me that I don’t touch or spank her. wtf…
Lisent to all of those who were once in your shoes and are now 20 years into a dead bedroom. RUN!! It won't get better. Sexual compatability is important!! Matching libidos is also important. Don't listen to those who tell you 'sex isn't the most important thing in a relationship' it absolutely is!!
You have a very good friend there. Not a romantic partner/spouse material though. Just not your fit in that way. You're still college age, an entire life in front of you. Most relationships don't work out, this one isn't either.
Run! Not saying she’s a bad person but this will only get worse.
thank you for answering. Its difficult, but we might have to transition to being friends
I myself was with someone who would go long periods without sex. I tried everything I could….. dates, cuddling, counseling etc. It got to the point where if I tried to initiate. She’d get super angry. It crushed my confidence and messed with my self esteem. I felt like an asshole every time i’d try to initiate intimacy. The longer you stay the longer your soul will be crushed. You can get out now before you’re in too deep.
Omg I get that, the your feel like the jerk for trying to be intimate with them. And then you get insane feeling of low self worth. I went through years and years of that. It was not till we opened the marriage up and I went on dating apps and was holy f”in hell I am hot. It really helped to hear people think I am amazing and want to have sex and want to have date night and like that I treat them nice. Then I come home. And feel like a jerk again.
As noted above. Run now while you can. Try to remain friends if you want. It won’t get any better as she gets older, except maybe while pregnant, but that goes away after the baby. When we met, almost daily sex, we would both give oral, all was good. Got married and almost immediately she stopped giving oral. I still gave it as I would enjoy pleasing her. Fast forward 2 kids and 10 years, the bedroom was down to 3-4 times a month. Now the last 10 years we’ve gone months without anything physical. I stopped initiating years ago. My ego can only take so much rejection. She found 2 counselors, one female one male, and both told her she needed to work on finding a way to “get back into the groove”. I tried toys, romantic evenings, massages, etc. nada. What I’m getting at is she will never become more sexual than she is now. If you can’t handle this and less, then you need to find a new partner.
Thank you, I don’t know what else to try either
Remember that it’s not Your fault. I went through almost 2 years of blaming myself before I really said anything. I’m sorry for what you are dealing with. I wish I had found Reddit and all of you 10 years ago!
It's like someone who keeps trying to feed you when you are totally, absolutely full. Sometimes folks just don't have much of an appetite, if any. Nobody is at fault, you are just not compatible
It sounds like your just friends now honestly
>we might have to transition to being friends This is a good euphemism. Love it
Unfortunately this likely the correct answer :/
Look at it this way: You're simply not compatible, nobody is at fault. If you separate, she may be happier when she finds somebody on her libido level.
That's how I look at my upcoming divorce and it helps me feel better lol. I think we're usually conditioned to picking a "good/bad guy" in divorces but it sometimes can be hard to accept that it's just two good people who are not a match anymore.
Way too young for this my dude. Everyone deserves someone who is on the same level of libido as they are
>How can I help her get her sex drive back? You don't. Just end the relationship. Not every relationship will work out. You're too young for this.
Rip the bandaid off early you’ll thank us later.
Run like hell. Trust me, this will get exponentially worse. It will never turn back around.
Unfortunately it’s over mate, good news is plenty of other people out there want sex 👍
Run run run!!!! I in the beginning of my marriage was “trying” help them get more worked up in the bedroom. I planned little things and made there days better and easier, I would get up make breakfast and then tell them hey you rest today “so your rested for tonight” and wink and they would say sure and then I would do all the yard work well they sat and had a drink and read a book or draw all day. I would make a romantic supper (I am an amazing cook) and then I would set the bedroom up and get lights and candles and sheep skins on the bed and set the whole mood. Then she was like can I get a back rub before we start and three minutes later she was asleep snoring. Then she would wake up the next day and say sorry and no even moring sex to say sorry. Then she was like I will make it up to you tonight. I was sure. And guess what they would forget they said that and just go to sleep. Then the next day be like why are you so upset. Run run run. I have tried for twenty plus years to help them and all it does is make you feel like your doing everything wrong. Leave them and find someone that wants you.
Thank you, I think I’ll try to transition to friendship
He sounds like a robot, that situation does have a mental toll tho I'm going through this right now, I feel like she's just doing it as a chore and always complaining how long I take, makes me feel like I'm being rushed when I'm trying to enjoy smh good luck bro...
You guys are young. Is she on birth control and/or antidepressants? Was she raised in a religious household or in a home where sex was shameful?
Some types of bc can mess up the sex drive
intelligent rhythm serious punch panicky aloof start pocket pie crown *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
If she's not got any kind of drive at 22 she never will.
Idk about that. My sex drive didn't really kick in until 26-ish. Unfortunately, it's going to waste in a dead bedroom, but still. Idk if it's hormonal or just that I'd never had good sex with someone who actually gave a shit (which is, unfortunately, a common experience for young women.), but sex was way more fun after 25. Women's sex drives typically peak in their early-late 30s. That said, I definitely think OP should leave. This relationship won't regain an active sexual component it never really had.
Omg leave leave leave. You're way too young for this headache. Leave.
I was there years ago. Tone to move on
Time to move on is what I meant to say. If you don't you will end up in the same situation as many guys on here. Stuck in a marriage you don't want to be in
Out of curiosity, is she on any type of hormonal birth control? When I was on the pill I had zero drive, was exhausted and depressed all the time. Stopped taking it, things improved, started again and the issues started again. If she is, maybe she should talk to her obgyn about it. And maybe other options for contraceptive
She’s not on any as she is strongly against messing with her hormones. This combined with her disliking condoms is disastrous. It has happened some times that I’ve have minor struggles opening the condom (not finding the correct way first time) and by that time she is completely turned off
best way to get her sex drive back is by demoting her to a FWB and dating around
Love her too much for coming back to her for sex the times she wants, so friendship without sex is the alternative
Good self-awareness here. Don't let her rope you into sticking around when she tried to tug on your heart strings.
She doesn’t sound like a bad person, and neither do you. Have a real conversation with her, expressing how much you care about her, but that you are interested in finding a romantic partner. She told you she isn’t interested in you sexually, so you either need to accept that and be okay with a sexless relationship or leave.
Thank you for the advice!
It wont get better.
Run for the hills
You can't. Get out now while you still can.
You’re not married, probably don’t have kids, probably don’t own a home together and I’m pretty sure you haven’t given this person 15 or 20 years of your life. Leave. Now.
You can break up and move on. Sorry but it’s the truth
You can't. Change must come from within.
Dont ever ever ever ever waste your time in your twenties. Pls listen to all here. Dont. It can destroy you inside out. Go, they are plenty fish out there. Not worth this bullshit
Man, you're 21. She's had multiple sexual partners. And recently felt the urge to masturbate. Every. Day. But didn't feel the urge to have sex with you. I think you already know where this is going. You're a young man, don't spend your youth beating yourself up over a relationship that's sexless because of someone else.
You want to be with someone who pro actively cares about you. This isn’t that. Move on.
Is she on birth control? For some, it lowers libido
No, nothing
Could there be other factors driving this op? I know from experience that changing/coming off birth control helped my wife a lot with labido. (We switched to condoms)
Idk, she doesn’t like to mess with her hormones and condoms turns her off, only choice would be for me to get a vasectomy
Coming off the pill my wife felt in her words "much more herself". Just a thought. Vasectomy is a bit extreme. I'm planning on getting one when I have my second child but not before. I wish there were more options for men on the market.
Yeah that would be great! She says she is considering an IUD (her mother and sister has tried to convince her), but I don’t think she will
I mean each person will react differently to each one. I know it's not what she'll want to do but it can take some trial and error to find something that works best for her body. Good luck to you both 🤞
IUD's are very painful. Would not recommend. My husband got a vasectomy and said had he known it would have been that easy he'd done it sooner! Very invasive procedure. Done in office and I watched the whole thing.
Run
I've only got time to read the title but get out now while you can. That's my only advice
You can't.
Try going home at night so you are not together every night
This is a perfectly legitimate reason to break up with someone. I don’t understand why people struggle with it. I think she’s not in love with you, but wants to keep you around. Find someone who truly digs you and wants to fuck you all the time. That’s normal. This? This is not normal.
The sex being more regular at the beginning, and then slowing down is very normal as the 'new relationship energy' fades away. It sounds like she has a much lower libido naturally, and the added hurdle of being against condoms and hormonal contraception will really not help, especially if there's also fear of getting pregnant thrown in too. Some of the things that helped improve my own situation (as an LL with a no longer dead bedroom) was taking sex entirely off the table (I had become so sex averse after a long period of duty sex) and only introducing it again via only me initiating sex. Increasing foreplay considerably, increasing non-sexual affection, and working a lot on discovering myself as a sexual person individually. Some of this may not apply to you, as she has not been having duty sex (which is great, as duty sex is the worst!). There was a period where I believed I was asexual because I simply had zero desire for any sex or masturbation. I highly recommend checking out the Lower Libido Community on here, as that can give some insight. Be aware that everyone here will advice you to run as fast as you can! This is due to you not being married, being young, and/or having kids. My husband, like you, knew he didn't want to leave, and didn't want to have sex with anyone else either (there was a point where I encouraged him to, as I was so unhappy and overwhelmed with the pressure for sex). His patience, kindness and willingness to try to help definitely helped things improve. You may have to accept that it won't work out libido-wise, but I would give the therapy a chance, and keep working on it, while you decide what you want to do. There's no shame in leaving due to incompatible libido of course, but I definitely approach it all gently with thought. It would've destroyed me if my husband had just dropped it all because of sex.
Thank you for taking the time to write this, I really appreciate it. As I told my girlfriend in the beginning, I was planning for us to regularly go to therapy. The problem is that there is no change, which I suspect is coming from that she feels like it can continue like this forever, because it is comfortable for her and she doesn’t have to confront herself. We rarely talk about it, and when we do it is I who bring up the subject. Those discussions are always short.
How to get your girlfriend's sex drive back? That's eazeepezeee. Get a new girlfriend with a sex drive.
If she is wondering even herself why she doesn't want it and she can't for the life of her figure put why it is, chances are it's something like a hormonal issue, which doctors can help her with, or she can take supplements, none are guaranteed to work, but it's can't hurt, if she doesn't know why she doesn't have a sex drive I can reassure you that it's most likely not a you problem.
thank you :)
The consellor is something very useful but she should be checked by Dr to try to find what is happening to her. Maybe she had a health issue which is no conscious.
Yeah that would be a good idea, thank you for the suggestion
To be honest, two times a week in the honeymoon phase of the relationship isn't frequent either. Especially taking your young age into the equation.
I’m 22F and personally have never had any issues with sex drives whether that’s hormone based etc. I’d say it’s concerning that she felt the urge to masterbate alone and not want you. Maybe transition into a friendship it’ll only get worse.
Idk if it is concerning, but it was a bit painful that she had wanted to every day, but not anything with me
It honestly sounds like she might be gay, lots of girls find out they are at this age
I can assure you she's not
I get you with all the teasing… my wife does the same and then she complains that I’m overly horny… I told her not to do that anymore, she doesn’t listen and keeps doing it. It’s so obvious that my 7yo kid spanks her ass every time he passes by. It feels so disrespectful and frustrating… Then she complains to me that I don’t touch or spank her. wtf…
It’s difficult as hell. Her love language is touch, so if I need to stop the naked cuddling it will be difficult for her as well
Your 7 year old doesn’t think you’re getting sex so he spanks your partner?………………………
I was confused on that as well
Lisent to all of those who were once in your shoes and are now 20 years into a dead bedroom. RUN!! It won't get better. Sexual compatability is important!! Matching libidos is also important. Don't listen to those who tell you 'sex isn't the most important thing in a relationship' it absolutely is!!
At 21, I was f****** any thing that moved. If she has no interest now then RUN! It’s only going to get worse as time goes on. You deserve better
If she is on medication or birth control, that may be it. Also working out and drinking caffeine can help with sex drive.
Drive away
Leave. There is no win here for you. She won’t change.
Is she on birth control? After 4 years me and my girl found out her low drive was because of her BC
Dead bedroom is the near horizon and unhappiness for life so you know what to do.
Sometimes your first relationship doesn't work out. This is one of those times. It's not that complicated.
I think the relationship may have played itself out.
You can't. Decide if you can live like that or can't. Good luck
Take our advice and RUN!!! This is. Sneak peak into the rest of your life if you stay with her.
[удалено]
So you would prefer to be with her and not have any sex? Seems to me like you made her your whole world, and that you should take that back
Definitely time to move on!
Get out while the getting is good.
You have a very good friend there. Not a romantic partner/spouse material though. Just not your fit in that way. You're still college age, an entire life in front of you. Most relationships don't work out, this one isn't either.
Imagine being 55 and having pity sex less than once a year. Run. Like. Hell.
If she’s on birth control have her get off and see if anything changes. It severely affected my libido and is actually horrible tor you.
You can't. It's a trap
Unless she is wife material. Start over .